Real Time with Bill Maher - Episode #365 (Originally aired 9/25/15) - Update

Episode Date: September 29, 2015

Episode #365 (Originally aired 9/25/15)See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to an HBO podcast from the HBO late-night series, Real Time with Bill Maugh. I think I know why you're happy tonight. Because the... Doesn't really add anything to the whole proceeding. No, I think I know why you're happy because the Pope came to Washington and cast. John Boehner out. No, the two, John Boehner,

I love announcements on a Friday. We get to get at it first. Yes, absolutely. John Boehner stepping down is the Speaker of the House and liberals cheer like that. But you know what? Don't be so happy. This is the Republican Party. It always gets worse.

We thought Bush was the worst. And then Sarah Palin came along. And then Ted Cruz and Donald Trump. The new speaker is going to be, you know, Representative Hillbilly Quasimodo and his platform of permitting guns and maternity wards and rescinding the no shirt, no shoe rule in Congress.

That's what you're going to get next. But this week, oh my God, did you watch TV this week? All Pope all the time. Pope, Pope, Pope, Pope. I get it. The Pope is here. He's doing Popeing stuff. I mean, the last time a guy in a dress got this much attention, it was

Caitlin Jenner. It's like one direction, is there? People lining the root of the motorcade were passing out. And that was just from the fumes from the Volkswagen. People get very emotional. John Boehner didn't stop crying for three days.

Of course, he was an altar boy, very Catholic. He's a... Bainer's a dyslexic Catholic. He's always turning wine back into water. But, you know, Bainer was so happy because he's the guy, he's been trying to bring the Pope, you know, to America for 20 years. And having done that, he said he had nothing left to accomplish. And that's why he quit.

I don't know. The cynics say it's really because of pure politics. He lost a battle with the Tea Party, who, of course, always hated John Bainer because they said he was slowly destroying Washington and they wanted him to pick up the pace. But who knows what's in a man's heart? You know, I mean, Bainer has always been terrible on immigrants,

terrible on the environment, and the ultimate crony capitalist, so the Pope comes to town and basically shits on everything he stands for. Maybe after hearing Francis speak, he decided to devote his life to helping the poor and fighting climate change. No, no, he's going to be a lobbyist for Volkswagen. Promise you, that's where his future is.

Yeah, it has nothing to do with the show. No. Maybelline discontinued his shade of bronzer, and he had to quit. Trust me, he's going to be working for Volkswagen, who I'm sure you know this week that was the other giant story. Faking their emissions test, can you believe these bastards? And Volkswagen today said they conducted a thorough investigation, and they know who to blame the Jews.

You joke. Well, I tell you, with all the corporate greed that is in the news this week, the Pope could not have picked a better time, right, to come to this country with his message, greed, bad. And there is no concealing that the conservatives do not like this and do not like him. The three Catholics on the Supreme Court, no shows at his speech before Congress. I could read you a list of quotes from Republican politicians. telling the Pope to stick his nose out of anything that they are doing.

Michael Savage, the conservative commentator, said, the Pope sounds like a false prophet from Revelations. Revelations fans, I couldn't agree more. Compared him to the Antichrist. Rush Limbaugh said he's a Marxist. Take a chill pill, guys. Of course, thanks to the wonders of capitalism, chill pills are now $750 a piece. Amazing.

And I tell you, this Pope, This Pope has balls. He does not back down when he arrived at the White House on Wednesday. First thing he said, a not-so-subtle dig at the Republicans. He said, as the son of an immigrant family, I am happy to be a guest in your country, which was largely built by immigrant families. And that was...

It was kind of a mouthful, so the translator just said, fuck you, Trump. And the Pope was in New York today. what a schedule this guy keeps at the age of 78. A lot of poping he did today. Started with an interfaith ceremony at Ground Zero. The Pope was there with a rabbi, an imam, a Hindu, a Buddhist, and a Sikh.

And the Pope was very gracious. He said, we may hold different faiths, but we are brought together by the knowledge that we all believe in some form of utter nonsense. And then he... I lived in New York for three. five years, I never did all this stuff. He went to the UN, he gave the speech. He drove through

Central Park. He went to a school in Harlem. He gave mass at Madison Square Garden. Unbelievable. He said, the Pope said, the one regret he had is that he didn't go to the Statue of Liberty. Because it would be nice to be able to say that at least once in his life, he spent some time inside of a woman.

Okay, we got a great show. John Cleese, St. C. Cup, and Ron Reagan are here, and a little later I'll be speaking with the car matchmaker, Spike Ferrison. But first, she's the iconic founder of the Jane Goodall Institute, who recently wrote the forward to a book called Alter Jeans' Twisted Truth. Please welcome Dame Jane Goodall.

You're a dick? How are you? What a great pleasure to meet you. Oh, and he got there. Cow. Look at that. You brought you a little blankie. This is cow. This is cow.

Cow is my spokesperson for abused farm animals. And she... Can I see him? Does he speak? Do I stick my hand up his ass? I wouldn't do that. I want you tonight, cow! You know what comes out that end?

You know what comes out that end? Yes, I do. Methane gas. Methane gas, yes. Which is very powerful gas. Absolutely. Warming up the planet. Cow farts are no joke.

They're not. That's my bumper sticker on my Prius. Cow farts are no joke. Well, thanks. Thank you very. Is this for me or just, you just, no. Well, I just say, first of all, you look great. Have you had work done? No, I'm just joking. You're in the jungle all the time. They don't have... I wish I was in the jungle all the time. I'm now 300 days a year on the road.

Really? Talking about the kind of things you've been laughing about. Which I think are very important. Yes, well, I do too. We use humor as a scalpel. know all about it, and I think you do it brilliantly. Well, finish your thought. But, so you don't spend that much time

in the jungle, but in your life you've spent years and years in the jungle. I was really fortunate. I spent years and years out in the forest doing what I dreamed of as a child of ten. With chimps? With chimpanzees. Yes, absolutely. So, when you're with the chimps that much,

do they know that you're a friend? Do they treat you as one of their own? They don't treat me as one of their own because I don't want them to. I want to be like looking through a window. I want to see how they behave when there's nobody there. And how do they behave? Very much like us. Yeah, they do.

Right. They throw their feces. That's only in zoos because they're so bored. Right. Great point. Yes. That's right. That is right. In the wild they do not throw. Right. Of course. And I never thought

that. I would never do that in nature, throw his species. No, you wouldn't. That's his way of saying, I can't talk. But I have shit. Right. Oh, okay. So we learned something already. And how are the chimps doing? I'm sure they're endangered. They're in danger. Like the orangutans and the gorillas and the bonobos and the elephants and the rhinos and the tigers and can we go on and on and on? It's so depressing, but the World Wildlife Fund came out with the survey this week and they said, I mean, I'm sure this goes on

the land too, but they said in the sea, marine life, we've wiped out over half of the species since the 1970s. We have one. We're wiping it out on the land too. You know, we're polluting the ocean so that it can't absorb CO2. We're destroying the

forest so that they can't absorb CO2 and they release it into the atmosphere. And so we have climate change. And I would think probably everybody listening to us is not a climate change denier. No, we are not. Unless Donald Trump is

hiding in the order. Right. I'm so glad you brought up Donald Trump because, you know, Jane, he sued me a couple of years ago. We are? Yeah. He actually sued me because I offered him. He offered Obama $5 million to release

his college record. So I offered Donald Trump $5 million if he could prove that he was not the son of his mother and an orange hair orangutan? Do we have the picture? Sorry. That's...

And that... That... That... That... That... That is very insulting to that poor orangutan. It is.

But we didn't... We didn't pick that out of thin theirs because I thought that I've never seen that color in nature except in Donald Trump and that orangutan. Is that... Or accurate, do you think?

few other animals that have that same kind of orange, like the red panda and so forth. But it's not common. It's not common. Right. Anyway, he went into court to prove that he was not the... He literally produced his birth certificate as if it would say orangutang on it. So whenever you hear him say, I'm really smart. He's not the really bad story.

Anyway, so the Pope used the phrase today at the U.S. made a speech again hit climate change. I love him for it. He said, the right of the environment. I've never heard that. But that should catch on, right? It should because, you know, the last book I wrote, Seeds of Hope, is all about my exploration of the amazing world of the plants,

the green kingdom. And these amazing trees that can live 5,000 years, and we can go along and chop them down because we want to do a development. And that's not right. And you're against GMOs. I am very, very much against GMOs. Okay.

Now, the critics would say there's been a lot of research done, and they're not harmful, but you say no. There is a book called Altered Genes and Twisted Truth. Right. You wrote the forward. Sure. And this is a lawyer, and he spent 15 years researching, and it shows absolutely conclusively, not only that the technology is dangerous. but that there was tremendous complicity

from very high up people in the American government and the scientific world. Well, to say that the politicians are in the pocket of Monsanto would be an understatement. Exactly. Exactly. Here here.

Now, you've spent so much time in Africa. What did you think of the whole thing with Cecil, the lion, getting killed, and big game hunters saying, oh, actually, we help preserve. species. Isn't that just annoying to hear that? It's actually makes me sick. I've really

tried, but I cannot get into the mind of somebody who will go out and shoot a beautiful animal. They have a small penis. They must have a very small penis. No main orange or otherwise. Yes, no, I know. It's just hard. I mean, that's not really

the way to preserve a species is to kill. And they say, you know, well, it doesn't have any effect. The numbers are so small. But in fact, they pick out the very males who are the most important for the continuity of the species. The ones with the biggest maids, the biggest tusks, the biggest horns, and it makes me completely sick. And, you know, we've all criticized this one Minnesota dentist correctly, but he's one of many. Right. And when he said, I wouldn't have taken him if I'd known he had a name.

It didn't make any difference to the lion that he had a name. And all the others. are just as important, even though we haven't given them a name. Jane Goodall, your treasure. Thank you so much for doing what you do. Please keep doing it. Thank you. Jane Goodall, everybody.

All right, let's meet our panel. All right, here they are. He is the author, MSNBC political analyst, and contributed to the nationally syndicated radio program, both sides now. Ron Reagan. Hey, Ron. Great to see you over here.

She's a CNN commentator, a nationally syndicated columnist who grew up on this show, S.E. Cup. Weren't you a teenager when you first came here? I feel like it's been a long time, yeah. All right. And he is the comedy legend whose memoir, so anyway, is now in paperback and whose tour with fellow ex-Python Eric Idol starts October 1st. John Cleese is over here. Remember to follow me on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram,

and send us your questions for tonight's overtime, so we can answer them on YouTube. You know, John, I'm supposed to be impartial about the guests, but I have to say, since you're old now, I think I think I can get some... I'm not old, Bill. I'm very, very old. You're not very old, but

it is a special kick to have you here. It really is. And I got to say, I know you only drag yourself out to a place like this because you have large alimony payments. Oh, no, I finished. Last payment, last July. I'm free.

Oh, you're free. you know. Yes. So you're working just for the pleasure of it. Yes, just for the pleasure. That's awesome. All right. So the Pope. We have to talk about the Pope. It's all that's on TV 24-7. The Pope, the Pope, the Pope. I have mixed feelings about the Pope. Let's start with the positive, the climate stuff. I think it's just awesome that this Pope took on this issue. Because first of all, it's not even an issue that if a religious figure didn't take it on, you would miss it. No one would say, Why isn't the Pope talking about climate change? So I just love him for his balls for doing that.

And I love it that Boehner invited him to talk to Congress, and there he was the grandmaster flash of crazy non-evidentiary nonsense, lecturing the Republicans on reality. It was fascinating to watch the conservatives and the Republicans swallowing their tongues, too, when they were talking. talk about the Pope, and they'd always do it, they'd trot out that thing that they do, where, well, you know, he's not a scientist. Right. And yet he is.

We really, he has a degree in chemical engineers. Right. Exactly. It happens to have. But they, you know, he's not, he should stick to religion, and there's science to the scientists. And then in the next breath, they turn around saying, by the way, ignore those scientists. Right. They never do that either. Right. You know. I mean John Boehner

I will miss old leather face I really will He said we should open our hearts To his message But a lot of the Republicans Did not get that memo They I mean for those three

Supreme Court Catholics Not to even show up It's pretty funny That they're big Catholics And yet when the guy Who they pretend Is the Vicar of Christ Or believe

is the vicar of Christ, who talks through God, says something they don't agree with? There's no humility. No humility. Wouldn't you think if you believe that? Yeah. I mean, I'm talking to the guy you made life of Brian. And there's not a thing to be said about religion

that was not better said in that moment. Well, religiosity wasn't too bad. Religious. Yeah. It's nice to say that political ideology Trump's theology for certain conservatives. Well, look, I think, you know, liberals have some selective hearing

when it comes to the things that they like about the Pope. The Pope is not on record with them on every issue, and certainly conservatives have selective hearing when it comes to science and religion. I know, because I'm pro-life, a lot of us love that science and scientific technologies are helping to better illustrate early development. I don't imagine a conservative would ever say,

say the Pope should stay out of science if he were talking about the science that applies to pro-life positions. So I think conservatives and liberals both use the Pope selectively when it's politically expedient. You're right. And he gives both a lot of ammunition? He does, yeah. But I just like a question, though, have you heard any liberals actually saying about the Pope, well, you know, he shouldn't really be talking about abortion or any of those things? No, in fact, what they're saying is Congratulations, conservatives. He didn't even discuss abortion. We win. And actually, of course, he did.

Yes, he did. The church is quite clear on its position. But can I just say, and I want to warn you, I'm going to cuck-servative my way through this entire panel tonight. Wait, wait. Cuckervative. Oh, yeah, you don't know this. It's the new rhino. It's the new rhino. Because I don't think that Donald Trump's foreign

policy of, I know it, but it's secret, is sufficient. That makes insufficiency conservative. Right. So I just want to say that if Ben Carson can talk about politics,

then the Pope can talk about politics and science and everything else. I mean, Carson, that only fails to sound like a president most of the time. He fails to sound like an actual doctor. And he is one. Yeah, a doctor is a form of scientist and he believes

the earth is 5,000 years old. And then going to prison makes you gay. I mean... It's amazing. And evolution didn't happen. There's no point in being a comedian anymore, is it? No. We cannot compete.

No, we can't. It's very honest. It's amazing. So, yes, the Pope can weigh into matters of scientific scrutiny and politics as well. And he would tell you the point that he's making is not to ignore politics, but to bridge politics. Okay. But there was some news today, the president of China's in America. And China is going to have cap and trade now.

So the Republican talking point about, hey, you know, Marka Rubio said at the last debate, America's great, but it's not a planet, okay? China does bad shit, and of course, logically, if some other country does bad shit, we should too. It's a good principle. Isn't that a Christian principle? That's a very Christian principle. Do bad shit under others? Yes.

Do bad shit under others as you would expect. But now they're not doing it. Okay. But I want to agree with your point that the Pope, you know, I think a lot of liberals think he's Bernie Sanders. Okay, he's, he opposes gay marriage, he opposes gay adoption, opposes transgender rights against all forms of contraception. Condoms. All, right, well, I said all forms. Yeah, yeah.

Condoms, I mean, yeah. Well, that's the main form. Yeah, he's not coming around to abortion any time soon. You still use condoms. Is it American? What do you use in England? You don't know? I'll tell you afterwards.

It's much better. It's just not weird. Tell me now, really. Okay, against contraception. No, no, no, no. Are you going to write it down? I'm going to have a pencil. It's better.

Do the next one. It's so awful you can't even say it out loud. Oh, no, it's so good you can't even say. I can't even imagine what this is, and I've done a lot of thinking about my penis in my life. Okay, so what else? Oh, the Pope is against all forms of abortion, ruled out women priests.

That sounds more like Rick Santorum than Bernie Sanders. And also, I must say, you know, gosh, I was watching the TV all week. And first I see the Pope, and they spent, it seemed like days, I know it wasn't, on MSNBC, talking about the fact that when he blesses the crowd, he doesn't have to bless you directly for you to get it.

It's like Wi-Fi, you know. It's him. And then I, and then like in the next thing they care, and there's 700 people trampled to death in Mecca, which seems to happen to a varying degree every year. And I know you're an atheist. I think you are. I hope you are.

I know I am. Can we all just agree and then go on to the Pope is great? Religion, stupid, dangerous, pointless, just fucks everything up. Okay. Can I say... Well, I think organized religion fucks everything up. What about disorganized religion, no? I think there's some interesting stuff out there.

Like what? Like what? Well, the mystics. I think that they do have experiences, and they might be more than justice. psychological experience. But the trouble is those guys aren't interested in power, so they never finish up running anything. Do you see what I mean? Right. Yeah, so we never hear the interesting bit. The rest of it is put forward by organization. If the teaching of Jesus Christ about anything, it's about trying to get your own ego under control. Are you listening Donald?

No, he's not. He's not. Definitely not. And you've got to sympathize with the Pope because, like for the people who see that list that he's against, gay marriage, transgender, and they say, you should change, he's got to be thinking, but eternal is my brand. That's what we're selling, is that it came from God, it's written in stone, it's forever. Yes, but it didn't come from Jesus Christ. I mean, is there anything in the Bible about what Jesus said about abortion? Well, no, no, there is not. No, there's nothing about abortion in the Bible. How about the Pope, though, saying that atheists can go to heaven? We don't care.

We don't care. It's an imaginary place. But all of us have a backstained. It was a nice gesture. It was such a nice gesture. Do they have to become Catholics after they've died? Boy, that's a good question. I don't know if he went that far.

Also, can I say one more thing about the media with the Pope constantly saying he has the hardest job in the world? I think it's the easiest job in the world. I mean, you've got tenure. You're selling an invisible product. You never have to prove exists. You never have to prove exists. Everything you say people listen to and you can play the infallible card.

I mean, what other business could you be in where you were involved with a horrible child fucking scandal and you didn't lose most of your customers? I don't think it's that hard at all. And speaking of playing the infallible card, The women thing. I mean, he's such a smart guy.

He must know that it's caveman time to be still saying that women can't be... He was talking to the nuns at St. Patrick. He said, I love you, but apparently not enough to put you on equal footing with men. He could play that infallible card and say, hey, this just in.

I got it. And especially in the third world where women are abused so much... Supposing you think of him as a basically very... guy who's been put in charge of an absolutely dreadful organization. How much can he be expected to achieve? You can't change it overnight.

No, and he has changed the tone. And all those monotheisms, they're terrified of women, aren't there? Whether it's Judaism, Islam, or Christianity. They hate women. They hate genitals. They hate... You know, they just don't want to know nothing about that. You only have to see what the early Christian said about sex, which is really.

it's bad. Don't do it. But if you absolutely have to, then it's sort of all right. If you're married and it's totally for the purpose of having children. Right. I mean, if you start with a bit of theology

like that. Unless, on the other hand, angels come to visit your home, and then the townspeople arrive and they want to rape the angels, you offer your daughters instead. You're talking about the Sodom and Demo. Because why not?

Poor angels? You're a very naughty man you are. All right, so let me just turn to politics briefly. John, I know you probably don't know all of our American politicians. You shouldn't. There's no reason why you should. But we have two quitters this week, John Boehner. You've probably heard of him. But then there's Scott Walker. I don't know if you've

there's Scott Walker. Yes. He wanted to spend more time petting his rabbit. And I think he's the more interesting quitter because it really proves, you know, this guy was huge in the state of Wisconsin. He's a real arch conservative. Wisconsin was kind of a blue state.

And he took it over. And it just shows you what I learned back in the clubs. Some people could be good on the local level. And on the national level, they just don't cut it. You know, and if I was a conservative, the Koch Brother type conservative, I would just concentrate on ruining America state by state, which is kind of what they're doing. You know, it's unfortunate because, you know,

I had talked to Scott Walker a year ago and throughout the campaign and talked to his campaign, and he would constantly say, you know, I'm not going to do the personal attack thing. I'm going to talk about my record. I'm going to talk about what I did in Wisconsin. I'm just not going to do it. And yet, he branded himself as the fighter, the fighter who took on the unions,

the fighter who took on tenure, the fighter who's going to take off. And the brand was good. The man is good. They were not compatible. And they certainly weren't compatible or saleable in this environment of Donald Trump and Ben Carson. They just didn't work.

Because if you are in this party today. And that face. Well, I mean, I like him a lot. The face. He just, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he. No, he's a good man, but in today's Republican Party... He may be a good man, but he's a bad thing. He's not a good man.

And in today's Republican Party, if you aren't, light your hair on fire mad at someone, you're right. You're not conservative enough. And that's a really unfortunate devolvement of where conservatism used to be. He was never more than a minor leaguer, though. Right. Scott Walker is a triple A ball.

I disagree, but obviously, obviously he didn't work. It didn't work. Well, I think the whole point is that democracy has failed. and the question, well, it's dependent on a fairly intelligent electorate who have fairly well informed. Well, we don't have one. Right? I mean, so were the Obama voters that the Obama voters that informed? No, but just the Republican ones, right?

Oh, no, no, no. I think, I don't think anyone's well informed these days. I don't think this is any more serious country. It's all about entertainment. There are shows like this when they should be having really serious. serious important programs on the end. All right. So the question is, what do we have now that democracy's

finished? Well, democracy isn't finished. I'd agree with you. I always say the problem in our country is that politicians can say anything because people don't know anything. And when you're working with the tabula rata, you can say anything, and they do,

and people just hear it and go, yeah. Indeed. Well, you know, and they lie a lot. It's not the sign. They come on a lie. Two weeks ago, I think it was. Rick Santorum comes on your show and comes out with this thing about 57% of climate science. Right.

Say that humans aren't causing global climate change. But I busted him the next week. Thank God. You busted him right there. Okay. I actually, all right. You know, this Volkswagen thing is crazy. Even by the standards of corporate malfeasance, it was pretty disgusting to hear about the lying and what they did.

knowing what they were... Bill, there's only lying now. You know what I mean? It's appalling, but you must have noticed that everyone lies all the time about everything. It is sort of the go-to... It's hopeless, that's the point.

Our situation is completely hope. All right, I'll go home. I don't mind. No. Can I get a drink? You can get a drink. You can have my drink. Okay. I'll be back in... No, no. Are you really going to get a drink? Go get a drink.

I'll do this Volkswagen. It's just hopeless. This is the point. I just want everyone to understand. There is no... Isn't he great the last time he's on? Well, how about the CEO of Volkswagen, though, apparently going to get a $68 million

golden parachute. Did he read his little statement when he said he'd quit where he described what was going on as irregularities are discovered in the engine. But I have to say... The consumers should take some blame for this because we didn't notice... We went back and looked at some of the old Volkswagen print ads.

We should have seen this coming. Would you like to see some of the... Okay. Like, look at this one. Volkswagen, the first name in clouds of poison gas. Now, right there... The Volkswagen Turek, it's German for asthma. Oh.

Don't fuck with me. Volkswagen, getting you back for Indiana Jones. Volkswagen, we call it the rabbit because we can't stop screwing you. Volkswagen, we made a green car that pollutes and people say Germans aren't funny. And Volkswagen, it works fine when we tested it. All right, he is the host of Esquire's Network's car matchmaker with Spike Barrettin. Spike Barrettin is over here. Spike, how are you, my friend?

Spike Barriston, ladies and gentlemen. So we introduced the subject of cars because you were coming out and you are, you are yet another comedian who's crazy into cars. Lennon and Sign Fitt. What is it with comedians and cars? You would know. comedians are fun experts, and cars are really fun. Not to me. What do you drive?

Well, I... That's interesting. I drive a Volkswagen. I have a Tesla. And when I need to go far, I also have an Audi, which I want to get rid of now because Volkswagen owns Audi. They own Audi, and what else? Porsche. Porsche, right.

Porsche, as well. What do people... What are supposed to people supposed to do now who have these cars, who thought they were buying a green or pretty green car and find out they're not, they want to get rid of that car. They're screwed. They're screwed, frankly. And nobody knows how they're going to fix this,

whether there's going to be an update in the software or whether, you know, they're going to get a letter from the California DMV who's going to, they're just going to say, we're not going to re-register your car next year because it doesn't conform to EPA standards. No one quite knows. I will tell you this. You can tell how serious it is at Volkswagen

because they hired the same law firm that the BP people did after the oil spill. That's how big this is. That's the number of lawsuits and the number of upset consumers and the number of countries. Is it going to be more than just Volkswagen, though? That's what people want to know.

Is it kind of like Deflategate where they all did it, but one of them did it worse and got caught? Everyone... It's my opinion. Everyone's gaming the EPA. Really? Yeah, everyone is gaming the EPA. And I'll tell you, this is going to...

analogy. Imagine that the EPA is the casino, right? And the car manufacturers are the gamblers. And they love to gamble. Some of them like to count cards. And then you have Volkswagen that likes to hack a slot machine, right? Right. And

Volkswagen should really be in the back room with De Niro getting its hand hammered like this for what they did. That's how bad this is. That's how bad it really is. And here's the reason why. The EPA established the test for the new car. So you come up with a new car. They establish this emissions test.

But they don't have the funding to conduct the test. So what they say is, you go conduct your test and let us know how it turned out, right? It's, you know, so imagine, you know, you're in school, you're a teacher, and it's in finals time. And they say, you're going to take this final. I'm going to, I'm going to go to another country. You email me your grade and let me know how it turned out. And everybody's surprised that this happened. Hopeless. Yeah. You're confirming your theory, John.

Well, if you... You pegged it, sir. What can I say? If you fund the EPA properly and you give them the proper budget, you know, this isn't a problem. This really isn't a problem. And it's important because the stuff that's coming out of these tailpipes, this nitrogen oxide,

is the stuff that affects you and me today, you know, 40 times higher. It's the stuff that affects your lungs, it's asthma sufferers. It's really bad. It's not something you have to wait to happen. It's been going on now since 2009. So let me ask you another question about cars and you are the expert. I read a lot about driverless cars.

Google, I guess, is the one that's pioneering this. Spending a lot of money on it. Everybody is. How soon are we going to have them? And do we all have to have them? Because I don't want one. What about us people who like driving? I get sick as a passenger.

I'm a control freak. Yeah, I mean, I like driving. Right. Well, a couple of things about that. Here's how you should think about it. It should be a conversation about safety. A driverless car is not going to drink and drive. A driverless car is not going to tie a dog to their roof like Mitt Romney did.

This is, if you look at it... It's never going to get blown. It's never going to get blown. You could... Well... Well, that's true. Mm-hmm. Right.

Like nobody on this panel ever got blown behind the wheel. I did not. Come on. Wait a second. Nobody on this panel did ever get blown. Yeah, you can join the 405 club now, like the Mile High Club. Just get on the back. Here's the deal.

For me, it's a conversation about safety. The top five things that can kill you, the top five things are you've got heart disease. Number one, cancer number two, lung disease number three, car accidents number four, right? So if I came to you and said, I have the cure for cancer, we should, you'd say, let's get going on that. We can eliminate cancer. Sure. I'm coming to you now saying we can eliminate the number four thing that kills us here in the United States, and it's a pretty interesting argument. What's five?

Number five is, well, I know suicide is 10. I don't know what five. I didn't get that. Why are you so fixated on 10? Because it was some sort of lung capacity thing I didn't understand. I just didn't understand it. Five might be hospital error. Doctor error.

Medical error kills about 100,000. Okay. Great stuff. But, I mean, pursuant to your point, you made a great point, shouldn't someone ask a Republican candidate who are always going on about how we have too much regulation and we should get rid of the EPA? Jeb Bush said it, I think, today.

wants to crack down on the EPA, that if it wasn't for the EPA, we wouldn't have found out about this at all. Right? Right. Right. Okay. Well, it's the idea of all these job-killing regulations, as they say.

Job-killing, right? Regulations, they're all job killers. Obama. He introduces all these new regulations, and look what happened to jobs when he came in, right? They were... Oh, well, forget it. Never mind.

Yeah. You should never. You should never, when you're dealing with this, you should never kill jobs. I mean, if you do some of regulation, if you say, all right, torture is now outlawed, a whole lot of torturers are out of a job life. Right? Forensics improves what happens to serial killers. Right.

I mean, I said this to I remember who somebody was on was very mad at me for saying because they were getting rid of of the oil rig jobs in Louisiana. Fuck your jobs. If you have a job that kills people, get a different job. You know, I've had many jobs. A job is not, you know, a cynicure for life. Okay, so, now, speaking of corporate malefessent,

this douchebag, Martin Schrelli. Oh. Martin Screlly, do we have his picture? He's, yeah. Doesn't he look like it, his name and his face? He looks like he should be an American pie. Screlly! Thank you, Spike.

Sketchy. But, yes, right. But he bought a company that makes a drug called Daraprim, which treats a disease called toxoplasmosis. It's the number two most harmful bacteria in the world after salmonella and before E. coli. I heard of those. I never heard of this one.

Must need a better publicist. Anyway, the pill to cure this, and by the way, most of us, or many of us get it, but we have an immune system that works fine, so we get rid of it. But if you're an AIDS patient, an infant, if you have malaria, you don't. You need this drug. Cost a dollar to make a pill.

They were selling it for $13.50, which already is greed. He bought the company and up the price to $750 a pill. And can I read what Pope Francis said about the stench of the dung of the devil? An unfettered pursuit of money rules. This is why the Republicans hate him. Once capital becomes an idol and guides people's decisions, once greed for money presides over the entire socioeconomic system,

the service of the common good is left behind. And this asshole said, and the problem is... This is why I don't think Republicans can ever be real Catholics. Because... Well, how could Democrats be real Catholics? They don't subscribe to many of the things that the Pope or the vatians. Americans say about abortion or... I know, but this is more fundamental.

Why is that more... Because you decided this? Have you ever read the New Testament? Because you decided this is more important? Have you ever read the New Testament? Yes, many times. It's almost all about be nice to poor people and don't be a greedy asshole. That's not a liberal...

That's not a liberal policy. I know, it's not a liberal policy, but it's only the Republicans who worship Mammon. Let's just agree that no one should be a real Catholic. How about that? I won't agree to that. But look, the Polk also said some very nice things about capitalism. He said some very nice things about free enterprise, lifting people out of poverty.

Which it does. And when we're talking about popsicles and show business and basketball shoes, the free market is a terrific thing. When we're talking about health care and education and the prison system on the other hand. Probably not such a good idea. He didn't find out about this asshole because of law, you know, the law enforcement found out about this asshole because the free market. decided we're not okay with that and we're going to make a huge example of you.

I don't know that they free market decided. You know what? There's many examples of this. He's not the only one who does it. All the drug companies do that. There's one called Zavromax or something. It's a, it's a herpes medicine that sells for $2,500 a tube here and in Canada you can get it for 50 bucks. So it's not just this douchebag. Johnson & Johnson, big series on the Huffington Post. They developed a drug called Rospadol. It was originally anti-psychotic for schizophrenics. But, you know, schizophrenics kind of a small market.

So they decided, why not old people and kids, too? And so they did, well, they found out that if you give this to boys, let's say, teenage boys for ADHD, they tend to grow breasts. They discovered this, but, you know, so what? So we'll let kids, and some boys grow breast. We're making money off us. The pot does that to you, too, they say. And I'm here to tell you it doesn't. You know what I like about the story, though?

Can I just say, this is a great example of internet shaming working, doing something positive. Right. And so many people say internet shaming, it's all bad, and it's such a simplistic idea. It's not. It actually affected change here. Right. That, you know, it takes a village. Now we have this internet village that fixes things. I want to do, speaking of the end of the story we covered last week about the 14-year-old boy in Texas, who, they said, invented a clock.

Okay. A little update on this. His parents took him out of school, and he's just doing TV now, and he's on, like, a tour. And look, I'm not anti this kid. I hope this kid has a wonderful life and does great things. But the mostly liberals, you'll like this,

who have glommed on to him as a mascot are ninnies. Because somebody showed that he did not invent anything. Show the tape of somebody that this was on the internet. It took 20 seconds for somebody to do what this kid did. He didn't invent a clock. He took the guts out of a clock radio that he bought in this door and put it in a pencil box. Okay?

This is like pouring Cheerios into a bowl and saying you invented cereal. And then made it look like a bomb. And made it look like a bomb. Nobody's saying the kid's Thomas Edison, but did they deserve to be arrested for making this point? That's not what we did that last week. That's not the point. I wouldn't hear.

He didn't deserve to be arrested. Okay. But they did absolutely do the right thing, thinking that it could be a bomb. I thought we had zero tolerance for no safety in the school. If you can get expelled for drawing a picture of a gun, I think you can be detained for bringing something that looks like a bomb to school. But it didn't look like a bomb. It looked exactly like a bomb. Have you not seen die-horred movies? That looks exactly like a bomb. Here's the thing about bombs, right? They have the little timer that's the clock part, and then those wires that come out, they're attached to fist.

material that explodes. Okay. That was the missing element in this bomb. Excuse me, Ron. The thing that blows up. Nothing blew up. I don't notice all that when I see that hump of metal there. Would you see a clock?

You know what? Ron, try to take that through airport security tomorrow. And see if they take it... It's a clock. It's a clock. It's a clock only because we were told it was a clock. And by the way, it's only the guts of a clock. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Nope. Show the tape from Good Morning America. Here he is this week on Good Morning America. Do you have something with you? Can we see it? It's the motherboard of the entire media player. Have you always been fascinated with things like that and doing things like that, Ahmed?

This isn't my first invention and it won't be my last invention. It's not an invention. Again, he took the back out of something. Let me just say Google invited into their science where a 15-year-old invented an automated method for finding and characterizing gravitationally-lensed quasars.

And a 16-year-old invented an inexpensive test for the Ebola virus. Well, he's only 14. He's only 15. Next year. I made a bong out of an apple. Thank you, panel. It is hopeless, but we have to go to new rule.

New Rolls, New Rule, if you really want to assure conservative Catholics that you're holding the line on gay marriage, don't pose like you're on top of a gay wedding cake. New Roll, stop acting like this viral video of The Rat. Making off with an entire slice of pizza is cute.

That could have been a meal for a homeless person. And for dessert, he could have had the pizza. New Rule of cab drivers is serious about competing with Uber. They should start by getting rid of these things. This isn't really an air freshener. It's more a sign that says my air conditioner's broken.

I have no idea how to get to your destination, and my radio is blaring Pakistani disco. New Roe, the next politician who says he wants to restore America to how it used to be, has to go to the beach without sunscreen and sit there all day running his toes through cigarette bus. touchy crowd. New rule, since America loves Pope Francis

and Hillary Clinton, needs a boost, she should start wearing a two-foot hat and call herself the other leader who gave up having sex for power. And finally, new rule, Republicans have to stop being surprised when their instant heroes turn out to be embarrassments. They're so anxious to buddy up to the forgotten good people

that when a Kim Davis or a Joe the Planned, or a Cliven Bundy come along, they rush to say, now here's a real American, when they should be saying, what's up with this asshole? And if these better than the rest of us, real Americans, really do exist, how come every time you find one they turn out to be a creep? Either you're a terrible judge of character, or else there's nobody home at the Good People House.

Now, a few weeks ago, America met Kim Davis, the Kentucky court clerk, who was sent to jail. for her principled belief that marriage is a sacred union between one woman and one scarecrow. Kim refused to perform her job marrying gay people on account of her Jesus freedoms, and overnight became a martyr, a Joan of Arc for the deep-fried twinkie crowd.

Here she is getting her official Religious Freedom Award, still wrapped in plastic so it'll match her furniture. But... But Kim Davis turned down. to be everything conservatives hate. She gave birth to two children

out of wedlock and she's been married four times. According to her, the answer to what would Jesus do is everybody. Now,

last year's Kim Davis was a guy perfectly named Cliven Bundy if you forgot he's the not-so-jolly rancher who wanted

to graze his cattle on public lands without paying the fees like everybody else. Sorry, Mr. Bundy, if you're getting your grass from the government for free, then I should get my grass

and I'm going to. And predictably, Cliven went off script at a rally and said, quote, I want to tell you one more thing about the Negro. And that sentence never ends. Well, as it didn't

this time when he went on, they abort their children and put their young men in jail because they never learned to pick cotton. And that was the end of open mic night at the OK Corral. But not the end of racist mascots, because before Cliven, we had George Zimmerman, the freelance defender of cul-de-sacs,

who conservatives insisted was neither racist nor angry, but since his trial, he's had more contact with the police than Dunkin' Donuts. And I would be remiss in this rundown of Republican nut of the month, Club members if I didn't mention Joe the plumber, who during the 2008 election, became famous as the guy who didn't want to pay

high taxes on his small business, which it turned out he didn't have, because it would hold back his career as a plumber, which it turned out he wasn't either. And his name wasn't Joe. I'm not kidding. Guys, it's called

Google. But the Republican mascot, who for my money takes the prize is Joshie. Dugger, one of the famed, one of the famed 19 and counting Dugger kids beloved by conservatives for

their homespun values, their modest clothing, and their mother's womb nicknamed Old Faithful. Josh traded on his family's image to work as a lobbyist for the ultra-conservative family research council, and all the Republican

presidential candidates wanted a picture with him until it turned out he had two, Ashley Madison accounts, had paid for rough sex with porn stars, and had molested his sisters. Although, to be fair, I guess molesting your sisters could be considered family research. That's our show. Vice has an awesome special on prisons. This Sunday at 9 o'clock, I'll be at Chays in Buffalo tomorrow. At the auditorium theater in Rochester on the 27th and at the Cy Stevens Auditorium in the Iowa State Center.

And Ames on November 7th, I want to thank Ron Reagan. S.E. Cops, John Police, Spike Ferrison and Jane Goodall. Join us now on overtime on YouTube. Thank you, folks. All new episodes of Real Time with Bill Marr, every Friday night at 11, or watch him anytime on HBO On Demand. For more info, log on to HBO.com.