Real Time with Bill Maher - Episode #402 (Originally aired 08/05/16)

Episode Date: August 6, 2016

Episode #402 (Originally aired 08/05/16) - Bill’s guests are Julian Assange, Jeff Ross, Rob Reiner, Rick Santorum and Tara Setmayer. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to an HBO podcast from the HBO late-night series Real Time with Bill Maugh. Thank you. Well, we are live right against when the Olympics are starting, the opening ceremonies. That's pretty exciting, right? They say they took everybody's breath away.

At least according to the autopsy. I tell you, I had no idea that was such a thing is synchronized dysentery. This is quite a... Quite an Olympics they're having there. I worsen the best of luck. But look, I have to mention this. We are taking a month off after today's show.

Oh, thank you very much. I would give the same advice to the Trump campaign. I don't know if you noticed, but this week the Trump campaign exploded like a meth lab. And it's not even really a campaign anymore. It's more like a jackass stunt. It's a shopping cart powered by a Roman candle, a guy's ass.

As close as I can... Really. I mean, Donald Trump, we've lived with this for a year now, but this was really the week of where do I begin? The feud with Mr. Khan and the Gold Star families. He said the election is rigged. He said women who are sexually harassed

should find another job. He said he saw a video of money going to Iran that doesn't exist. Someone gave him a purpose. heart and he took it. And said, oh, I always wanted one. This is a lot easier. He couldn't stop feuding with the press,

with his own party, with fire marshals, and a baby. Baby. And today, a hot mic caught him telling Mom's Apple Pie to go, fuck itself. He threw a baby out. Page one of the politicians' handbook,

Babies, be nice to babies. He threw a baby out of one of his rallies, which is terrifying because it means that Trump supporters breed. It's terrible. The guy I almost feel sorry for is his vice president, Mike Pence. Poor Mike Pence. He has this, I'm toughing this out, look. Like he's smuggling.

something huge in his ass, you know? I mean, all of this is just such unprecedented, uncharted waters. The president, our president, Obama was asked about Trump, and he said what no president's ever said in a campaign, but it's true. He's unfit to be president, which made Trump furious. He said, how can you say that about a guy who's got the purple heart? So, to no one's surprise, sort of.

Trump's poll numbers are finally sinking. It turns out in the general election, unlike the Republican primary, you need readers. You know, anyone can win a popularity contest when the other choice is Ted Cruz. It's like, there were only two pets at the pound

when you went to adopt. One was an eel. You know, you'd adopt. The orange-haired dog with the comb over. The Republican establishment, what's left of us, is in total panic mode. They are trying desperately to find some way to close the hole in the candidate's head where the stupid comes out.

But it's not easy to do. They do have a plan. It involves cutting the fuel line to his plane. And they're also talking about an intervention. an intervention. But the idea that you can get a guy to change everything he has ever said, done, or believed in in a day?

Oh, well, wait, Mitt Romney did it. And... But of all the nuttiness that went on this week, my favorite was when Donald Trump posted a picture of himself. There he is. On his plane, all alone, eating Kentucky fried chicken. An overweight, 70-year-old.

old man, eating a deep fried bucket of salt and fat, or like it said on the Obama poster, Hope. All right, we got a great show, Rob Reiner, Rick Santorum, and Tara Suttonyre here, and a little later we'll be speaking with the Roastmaster General himself, Jeff Ross. But first up, he is the editor-in-chief of WikiLeaks, who comes to us from the Ecuadorian Embassy in London, Julian Assange. Julian, great...

Hi, guys. Hey, how you doing, Julian? Great to see you again. I know there's going to be a bit of a delay, like in your life. But you're back in the news, of course, because WikiLeaks released thousands and thousands of emails from the Democratic National Committee right before the Democratic Convention. And you, of course, in the past, have released lots of documents from governments. But people questioned whether this was fair game because the Democratic National Committee

is not a government, it's private, and some of the donors had their Social Security numbers and credit card numbers released. Do you think this is fair game? Well, it was definitely good fun. Fair game, well, we did the same thing to Senator Norm Coleman's campaign,

a Republican senator back in 2009, the Turkish political party, AKP, just the other week, a neo-Nazi party here in the UK a few years ago. I can't remember the name of a irritating party, British National Party. So, no, I think I'm super happy with how that's gone. We've had four people in the DNC resign, W. Wasserman Schultz, the head, the chief financial officer, the communications director, Lewis Miranda, etc.

And that shows a kind of instant accountability, perhaps not proper political accountability for a really quite concerted effort through the chain of command at the DNC to make sure that Bernie Sanders didn't win, including by pumping out black PR. Well, I don't know if that's really true. I mean, I read those emails. There was no smoking gun. I do. I know that it's true. I know that it's true. Communications director, Lewis Miranda, who has resigned just three days ago,

instructed his staff an instruction, not a discussion, an instruction to pump out, quote, in an un attributable manner statements and an article saying that Bernie Sanders supporters were engaged in acts of violence. So this is the DNC demonizing in a covert manner through its chain of command to the press and its favored press contacts, a Democrat saying that a Democrat was conducting violence when you have the Trump at the same allegations against the Trump campaign. Thereby watering down the critique against the Trump campaign and, of course, pumping up that criticism against me. Why haven't we seen anything hacked from the Trump campaign?

I mean, obviously we know these came from Russia, and we also know that you do not like Hillary Clinton at all, as does not Vladimir Putin. So it looks like you are working with a bad actor, Russia, to put your thumb on the scale, and basically fuck with the one person who stands in the way of us being ruled by Donald Trump. Just before I came in here,

we thought we'd do a little search on our files, And I do notice that a William mayor gave a Clinton-affiliated entity a million dollars. Now, it's a William mayor in L.A. where at the time the money came, perhaps you would like to comment. Is that you? Yeah, I don't think you have to look in your files to find that, Julian. I gave Obama a million dollars. I made it public. The whole point of it was. to make it public so that people in 2012 would understand that the game had moved to the million dollar level

after our Citizens United ruling. I wasn't trying to hide it. I was trying to publicize it. I don't know what the point is. Is there another million dollars going to Hillary or equivalent? Fuck no. But...

No, no. I can't give a million dollars every time somebody runs for president. But, okay. I don't know. 2008, I could understand. 2012 might not show you sure about that. But okay, let's tackle these criticisms.

We did not publish full credit card numbers about donors. It's the last four digits, just like your 7-Eleven receipt. It's very important for tracking money laundering. And there are serious allegations of money laundering and FEC violations in the data released. Our materials, the materials that we release, are pristine. We're really good at this. We have a 10-year perfect record of having never got it wrong

in relation to the integrity of what we've released. There's no allegation, even from Debbie Wasserman-Shorts or any of these people that any of the material is not completely valid and true. What there is is a conflation between, our publications, DNC leaks, and an extensive variety of hacks of the DNC and, frankly, other organizations over the last two years, possibly by state actors. That wouldn't be at all surprising, but also a number of others. D&I Clapper, the head of all U.S. intelligence agencies, James Clapper, said last Friday that the media was hyperventilating.

They couldn't make an attribution, let alone as to motivation. Even that was just about the hacks. It's not about the material we released. But we know the source of the material, right? Everyone knows the source of what we published. The source is the Democratic Party. The source is Lewis Miranda, Dick Bosom and Schultz, et cetera, et cetera. All right.

I know you've defended atheists, but included in there by the discussion with Lewis Miranda is a plot, a plot to frame Bernie Sanders. as being an atheist and not as being Jewish. First of all, it wasn't a plot. Somebody mentioned it, and nobody did anything about it. Let's move on to the other part. We don't know whether people will be anything about it or not. What we know was a discussion.

Okay, you've wound me down on this issue. We can separate it a little bit. We can separate a little bit of another case that I mentioned before, where Lewis Miranda gave an instruction to staff to pump out black propaganda against Bernie Sanders. All right. So why don't you, why don't you hack into Donald? Trump's tax returns. Well, we're

working on it. All right. I mean, it's interesting because Edward Snowden criticized you. I mean, his tweet was democratizing information has never been more vital, and WikiLeaks has helped. And by the way, I would agree with that.

I'm all for you getting the Nobel Prize, which you have been nominated for six times. Well, to the club with the nominations. But he said, but their hostility to even... That won't happen either. But their hostility to even modest curation is a mistake. Does he have a point?

I mean, I think you and Edward Stodin are lumped together a lot, but it seems like what his thing is is about privacy. And what your thing is about is transparency. And privacy and transparency are kind of at loggerheads. Are they not? They are a little bit, a little bit. true. I suppose, well, he doesn't really know the definition of curation. So curation is not censorship of the ruling political parties' cash flows. I have to make a little bit

of a complaint here, although I shouldn't really go there. You know, Edward Snowden hasn't published anything in three years. He did one thing. It was a very important thing. And it was in fact so important that I and this organization saved his ass by rescuing him from Hong Kong, getting him asylum, making 23 asylum applications, and setting up his defense fund, the Courage Foundation, which I'm a trustee of today. So, okay, I know Edward is trying to get a pardon at the end of the Obama presidency. And so he's playing that game. I understand.

He's in a very serious situation. If you look at Chelsea Manning, one of my alleged sources sentenced to 35 years in prison, Hillary Clinton's spokesperson resigned because he was also being tortured in the UN. I do you. I do. So there is a great fate of the way it's Ed Nodon in the United States. And Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump said that he would execute him. Hillary Clinton said, of course, that she would aggressively prosecute.

So you have really, from perspective of WikiLeaks, trying to protect its sources, you have really two very bad presidential candidates. Well, we could go all night arguing about that, but we don't have time. I would just say in response to what you said about Mr. Snowden, I know you can get into everybody's computer. I don't know if you can get into Edward Snowden's mind.

but nevertheless, I'm with you, brother. You seem like you're in a better state of mind than the last time I talked to you, and I hope you get out soon. Thank you very much. I like having a pop. All right. Let's meet our panel.

All right, he is a director of so many great movies we all love that have tested the stand of the test of time. His new film, LBJ, premieres at Toronto Film Festival in September. Rob Reiner is back on this. She is a CNN political commentator. and former communications director for Representative Dana Roarbaker, Tyra Setmeyer's back with his hate center.

And he is the former two-term senator from Pennsylvania and former Republican candidate for president. We call him the brave Christian for coming on our show. Our friend Rick Santorum is over here. Thank you, Rick. All right, don't forget us to send us your questions for tonight's overtime, so we're going to answer them

on YouTube. Okay, so I have mixed feelings about going on break while Donald Trump is still rampaging across the landscape. I feel like I should be here to report on it, but I have the last year, and it's gotten a little too easy to make fun of them.

I mean, when mailmen are making Trump jokes, I'm like, yeah, I will go on vacation. But this week was something we've never really seen before. I know politicians have gotten elected from jail. This might be the first one to get elected from the loony bin. And yet he took in $82 million

in small don't. owners. I think he's doing to politics what Bialyshtok and Bloom and the producers did to Broadway, purposely trying to have a flop so we can build the investors. Absolutely. I've said from the beginning, I don't think he really wants to win. He's been like trying to lose and he's like, I keep winning. What is wrong with these people? But it's astonishing. I mean, because you look at the last 10 days and you go, how could any serious candidate for the presidency behave this way? It's astonishing. Well, it's easy to behave that way when you're mentally ill.

You know, you were saying, you know, you were saying all these people, there are a lot of, you know, very, very expert professionals who are coming out and talking about, I'm not joking about that. There's a mental illness there, and it's not like he's trying to lose. He can't help himself. This is what he does. That's so true. I would agree that he has shown that he can't help himself in the personal attacks.

But let's not miss the point that Donald Trump has struck a nerve in this country, not dissimilar to what happened in Brexit in the UK. There are a lot of people out in this country who feel like the establishment, the Democrats and Republicans, pox on both their houses, are in the game for their buddies and friends, and whether it's trade or whether it's immigration or whether it's, It's tax policy, whether it's everybody's taking care of their buddies, and a large swath, Bernie tapped in it on the Democratic side,

Donald did on the Republican side, and they're pissed off. And you know what they want? They want a big change. And let me tell you, Hillary Clinton isn't a big change. She's a zero change. And Donald Trump, if he can... This is all your fault. Wait, this is all his fault.

Look, if he can stay... He wrote the fuck. Stop being mentally ill. If he could... Stop being mentally ill. If he can't. But he can't, Rick. You've seen that already.

I've seen today. Today. Today. One day, what does he want a cookie? Because he acted like an adult? I'm taking him to Dairy Queen. I think he deserves, he deserves an add-a-boy for today. He got his act together on all the endorsements.

Haven't we lowered the bar? Let's see. I'm telling you. Come on. He looks like. But Rick, Rick, this is your country too. You can't really mean this. I mean, I know you have

you endorsed Donald. I did. Okay. Are you still proud of that endorsement? I, look, yes. The answer is, the answer is, do I like some of the things

that Donald Trump has been doing? Absolutely not. I don't know to me. I do like some of the things he's doing. But look, he is focused on immigration, on trade, on things that are important.

He's not focused on that. He's focused on any... Keep Muslims out? Yeah, okay. He's focused on anyone who The reason why we could never have Donald Trump for president is that he was insulted last Thursday night by that Muslim man at the convention, and it's dominated the news cycle ever since. His number one priority is getting back at anybody who has slighted him in any way. It's so easy. Mike Morel, who used to run the CIA, said today in the New York Times that he can't be the president.

What? He said because the reason why he's a former Democratic. I mean, he was appointed by, look, he's a Democratic operative in that, in my respect. I mean, look, he's worked for a Democratic president. He's going to go out there. He's worked for three, wait, wait, wait, wait, he's worked for three Republicans and three, and Democrats. I know, but this guy was ahead of him. The CIA, come on, you know this is not a political job.

I understand all those things. All I can tell you is that the American public, just like we saw, one, all of the experts, all of the people on the, on the conservative party, all of the folks in the Labor Party, you know, it's going to be a disaster if we do this, and they said, sorry, we are tired of being treated like we

don't exist. And Donald Trump throughout the course of his campaign, I'm not saying the last two weeks, the last two weeks have not been two good weeks, but throughout the course of his campaign, he has tapped into that vein, and if he can get back into that, wait a minute, wait a minute, at what point does that become

an embarrassment? I mean, you can tap into that without behaving like a petulant child all the time. This is for the presidency of the United States. This isn't for the apprentice. This isn't a reality show. This is real life. And everything that Donald Trump says and does has an effect not only in the U.S. but globally. And we look at this when he's making things up about, you know, videos and he's going after Mexican, you know, American judges because of their ethnicity. These are irresponsible things that you're in other words. In other words, he's telling lies like another presidential candidate. Hillary Clinton.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Wait, but we're supposed to be better. But wait, but that's, but that's, but that, but that, but they do it. like that, you just say that. It's true. It's not true. It's not an excuse. Let's talk about the FBI. There was one email, one email that was not listed as, was not listed as classified. It had a little tiny scene there, and James Comey said

anybody could have missed that. I'm tired in the email. Enough of that. Enough of that. I'm sick of hearing that. I want to talk about something else. Just you know, screaming doesn't make it true. Right, right, okay. It doesn't make it true. It doesn't make it true.

What does make it true is that the hundred emails that came out after were not deemed by piece called her dishonest. But we're supposed to be better than that, not make excuses for the other side. Both flawed candidates. You know what, that's bullshit. Yeah, it's really bullshit. That idea that it's a push. False equivalency.

Donald Trump completely sees things that never happened. He completely lies because he just. makes things up in his head. He said the NFL sent him a letter. Wait, wait a second, Rick. Let me just say this. He said, the NFL sent him a letter about the debates. The NFL said, we never sent him a letter.

That's a different level of kind of lying. He said that Putin used the N-word about Obama. No one has seen this anywhere. He just makes things up. He reminds me of a character I saw in a movie once. Show that clip. I believe virtually everything I read And I think that is what makes me

More of a selective human than someone who doesn't believe anything Oh my God If you missed it He said I believe virtually everything I read Donald Trump seems to believe virtually everything He hears I'm hearing That can't be someone who we allow in the Oval Office

You're a Republican. I'm a conservative. I'm a proud conservative who is horrified and embarrassed by what the conservative party has allowed. What do we stand for if this is what we are now allowing to become our representation? He is not the standard bearer. I mean, Senator, you were conservative, and you stood next to Donald Trump at an event where he used veterans as political pawns because he threw a temper tantrum over Megan Kelly. And I thought to myself, why? What are we doing, compromising our integrity?

like this for a con artist who gets off on getting adulation from people and uses our veterans to do it. If I could defend myself on that. We do. Number one, Donald Trump was doing a fundraiser for veterans. He raised several million dollars of that fundraise. That took them for a month to distribute. And all I can tell you is when someone does a fundraiser for veterans and I'm in town, I'm going to show up, period.

So I don't tell you, I don't apologize for standing up and representing and calling for people to raise money for veterans. But it was a stunt, though. But wait a second. It was a stunt. Let me... And then he didn't give the money. And he didn't give the money until he was embarrassed by it. Can I...

I mean, come on. How would I get to what I think is an even more base issue, which is it's not really Donald Trump. You're right. I mean, I said on a show about a week ago, maybe one of our convention shows, that, yes, when the Republican Party picked Donald Trump as their nominee, they handcuffed themselves to a dead hooker. But the dead hooker is not really Trump. It's the voters. It's the Republican voters.

They're still with him. That's the problem even you have in the Republican Party. Because your base is a bunch of fact-free racist rednecks. That's who the base of the Republican Party is. We can spruce that up. We can click the other side and say that the base of the Democratic Party is a bunch of left-wing anarchists that are running around. Anarchists?

Yes. The Democrats are anarchists? If you want to criticize the fraction of the Republicans and be fair about the other side. What Democrat is an anarchist? I'm saying that the left-wing progressive side of the Democratic Party that are the ones that are out there talking about bring down the system, Marxism, all the... You ever been to a Bernie Sanders rally? Who don't make it into the thinking of one single Democratic representative?

So what does it matter? Yes, there are cooks out there of every strike. Bernie Sanders almost beat Hillary Clinton. A stupid false equivalency from the right. It's not. Be fair, though. Let's look at the numbers. The numbers show that even after these last two weeks, Donald Trump is winning among independents.

So if he's winning among independents, those aren't, you know, toothless. I don't know what poll you're looking at. And secondly, Hillary's up in Georgia by five, four, five, 60-some percent of the Republican vote. So he's got a long way to go to solidify his base. And I agree with you. He's got to get his act together.

And today was a good day. He doesn't have anything but it. You mentioned something very important. You said there's a lot of anger out there. And there is. There's a lot of anger out there because people feel that they've been left behind. There was anger on the Bernie side. There's a big difference.

And Bill pointed it out. You don't see racist and neo-Nazis and skinheads at the Bernie Sanders. Rally. You don't see them there. Donald Trump has unearthed all these people. Listen, I've been on the receiving end of that. I know it personally. I've received... No, it's not ridiculous. I've received death threats as, like, overnight tonight on the way here.

But to suggest somehow that's the main body of Trump. I didn't say it's the main body, but it's an element. I've been doing this for 20 years and never experienced anything like that. Republicans have been doing that dog whistle for years, and now it's a dog megaphone. It's a megaphone. The dog whistle. It's real.

The dog whistle has been the race politics on the other side, not on the Republican. All right, I have to interrupt everybody because I have to remind the audience again that this is our...

That's a comedy show. The comedy show. That's right. And also that this is our last show before September 16th and what we'd traditionally do when we're off for a little while is to give the future headlines

because there are people that come up to me all the time and say, Bill, I get all my news from your show. And in case you do, this way you'll be caught up until September 16th. So here are some of the future headlines we can expect while we're away.

For example, Trump gets into vicious Twitter war with Make a Wish Kid. Mental patient hacks Trump's Twitter account. No one notices. You see, these things that are going to happen. Roger Ayl's ninth victim was Bill Cosby's 24th victim. Oh, that's completely predictable. Texas Waffle House celebrates two days without gun battle.

Wow, that's... Chris Christie accidentally breaks world hot dog eating record. He accidentally did it. Yeah, that's what's interesting. Yeah, no. Trump announces first act as president will be to kill John McCain. McCain, I still support Trump. Tourist, disappointed. Cuba full of poor people.

Well, that's... Mr. Sliff dumps latest for new... Guy for new similar-looking guy. New similar-looking guy. Trump slams Ann Frank is loser. I like Jews who didn't get caught. First Zika baby born in U.S.

Has Trump unfit for presidency? Oh, wow. Jesus returns getting Twitter war with Trump. I like messiahs who don't get crucified. Oh, I mean... Come on. This guy. Colorado re-legalizes weed

after forgetting they already legalized. Bernie Sanders released his first hip-hop album, Bankers Ain't Shit. Okay. This latest comedy special is Jeff Ross, Rose, Rosed Copts, air September 10th. Jeff Ross is over here.

Jeff Ross. Look at what you're walking to. Aloha. Everybody okay? Everybody, all right? Good. Hi. Aloha, Jeff.

Aloha. We say that because we went to Hawaii together. Nothing funny happened. It was strictly business, right? All right, so I saw your new show. It's amazing. I have to say, you are the only person... Why, you haven't even seen it yet.

How do you know? But it is. I mean, you roast the cops. You're the roast master. You did it with prisoners. Now you're doing with cops. I just have to say, you are the only person who could ever pull this off.

Yeah, thank you. You really are. And what I love about it there's a great arc to this. When you first go there, cops hate you. They won't laugh at one thing you say. No.

And you win them over. You go on ride along as you meet them. You get to know them. I mean, I left with a feeling of, I like the cops more than I did before I started to watch this. But then sometimes when you go on the street and you see the people,

you know, the minorities and the communities, they don't think the cops are good. And I'm like, did they just fuck with you the cops? Did they just fool you? I don't think so. I'm a good judge of character. And I asked many, many police forces, big city police forces.

Everybody had been talking about the cops in America. Nobody had been talking to them. So I thought, what do they like? Will they laugh at my jokes? Will they want to kill me? There's a little bit of both, maybe. Right. And I wanted to know what it's like to be a cop right now.

I wouldn't want to put a uniform on, considering what's been happening in Dallas and other places. It's scary. So I wanted to see if I could humanize them in some way. People were having protests all over the country, and it broke my heart to see cops being disrespected. But like most white people, I didn't know a lot about how deep the problems were

between cops and the community. So I went to these Black Lives Matter rally. I went to a police officer's funeral. I started to understand that this is a national emergency. People are bleeding on both sides, and both sides have a great point. And the cops, I noticed, your special say, we hate bad cops more than anybody.

Right. But you never see that. When was the last time we ever saw a cop stand up against another cop, no matter what the bad cop did? Right. You see what I mean about bullshiting you? I don't think so, because the police commissioner Evans in Boston, there hasn't been an unarmed person shot and killed by the Boston cops

since drum roll 1991. This is community policing. This is why this... This is why this police force stepped up, I believe. But 102 unarmed black people were killed by cops last year. There's definitely problems. And it's sad... Yeah, that's a problem.

It's really sad what's happening. But you've got to think about every day when a police officer leaves a house in the morning, his wife and kids have no idea if he's even coming home that night. Okay. Because he might fall asleep with his girlfriend. friend's house. Right.

Right. That's it. And I must say, I mean, you did that joke in the special, and they loved it. I mean, it's not like they don't have a sense of humor. They didn't like all my jokes. They didn't like my opening joke.

I said, this is fun. I never performed for a room full of YouTube celebrities before. Yes, there's bad apples. Yes, there's obviously racist cops. But to hate all cops for what some The cops have done wrong is also prejudice. Right, absolutely. That's...

It's like hating all transgender people because Caitlin Jenner beat you in the Olympics in 1976. That's a new one. Okay. So, okay, so let me give you... And I agree with you that, you know, we should support the police, and obviously probably most of them are good.

But let me give you my first few beeps that I have with the cops. One, we always hear from them, and I heard it in the special. Yeah. You know, our job is the toughest job in the world. You know, we get so much disrespect. I think, actually, you went with them. Maybe you'll see this.

You can verify this. I think most people, it's the opposite. I think cops get a level of respect that the rest of us could only dream of mostly. I know anytime I've talked to a cop, it's yes, sir, no, sir. Yeah. You know what? I got hassled by the cops recently in my own neighborhood. They didn't recognize them.

I didn't know these guys in the sixth precinct in New York. And they were kind of dicks to me. There you go. And then right a minute later, somebody was kind of a jerk to them. So I think it all is sort of, the stress level is high. Everybody's mad at the cops. And I think if people start to humanize the cops a little bit, realize that maybe they should look at these people as human beings also.

Both sides should look at each other as human beings and maybe start talking to each other because nobody seems to be talking to each other. If the best minds on both sides sat down, maybe it's... Maybe there'll be some sort of, you know... Yes, we do need that, and wouldn't it be great if you were the guy to bring that about?

Let's do it. Copacan. Can we put this out there? I'll bring the donuts. You made a lot of donut jokes, which, of course, you should... I only made one donut joke, but it's the best donut joke ever. What was it? Cops and donuts, you know, we've all heard this before. I have a theory why cops love donuts.

so much because it looks like they've been shot. And they laughed at that, which is pretty great. Cops especially love chocolate donuts. Why is that? Because they're racist? With the cops, you have to cut deep. They don't like subtle humor. That's right. But, you know, we also hear this about the cops.

You said it there, that, you know, you have to be a psychiatrist, you have to be a social worker. And a soldier. And a soldier. You have to be all. And that's all true. We ask so much of them. Honestly, we don't even ask them to be in shape. Listen. I mean, what other job like that can you do fat?

It's a scary job. Every day, every day, I wouldn't want to put that uniform on. You're a sitting duck. Jeff, there are stats on this. Right. Like the most dangerous jobs in America. Right. It doesn't crack the top ten.

I'm not saying that to diss the police. It's just the truth. Electricians, fishermen. They're not getting shot in the back. You know, it's not. The stress level for cops, they're drinking too much, the divorce rate, the guys I met were really stressed out. They were good guys, but they're worried.

And we appreciate that, but they did volunteer for it. Sure. They make $60,000 a year. I happen to think cops are unappreciated. I think cops should be on commission. Like if they catch a child molester, the cops should be able to keep the van in the candy. Roosting brings people together.

Yes. You should... Can you think of starring in the Don Rickles story? Look at him. Don Rickles. Anyway, hey? Yeah, Don Rickles. Okay, let's talk about some other issues.

Let's get into what Donald Trump said about sexual... What? You picked them? This is the thing. The gift... It's on giving, right? But I said this on the show a few months ago. I said, Republicans, the best thing you can do for yourselves

is have him lose. Can you imagine, as bad as... as a candidate, what you are going to have to do if he is the president that you're going to have to answer for every stupid thing he does in the next four years, there's no shame in punting. When you have bad field physician, punts. Punt! If you have a great defense, that's what you do. You punt. I don't think we can afford to punt. I mean, and look, to me, it comes down to the United States. Oh, a leftist. It's not Hillary's the problem. It's who she's going to put on the

Supreme Court's the problem. And, and... You know, that's such a bullshit argument, right? No, no, wait a minute. Just hear me out on this. What you have on the United States Supreme Court, a four justice who believe the Supreme Court is meaning... The Constitution is meaningless. It doesn't worth the paper it's printed on. The four conservative, right? No, I'm talking about... If you look at Justice Breyer, Justice Breyer says the Constitution, the Constitution is what we say it is. And if that is...

Exactly. Okay. Hold on. But it's not. The Constitution has words and they have meaning. And we have justices on that court who don't believe the meaning of those words anymore. It's whatever they want them to mean.

Does Donald Trump... Hold on. Just let me finish it. Ever. Of course you can. No, you can't. And the fact of the matter is, Hillary Clinton will appoint a fifth one of those

and probably replace two older justices. You know, we know this is bullshit who will destroy the... Constitution of this country. Obama already picked a justice. Merrick Garland. Merrick Garland. He's the one Orrin Hatch wanted.

Acceptable to all Republicans. No, he wasn't acceptable to all Republicans. He was acceptable to me. Orrin Hatch wanted him. Of course. No, he wasn't. Absolutely not acceptable to most. I can tell you, I was there. I was in the Senate. I know these people. He was not acceptable to the Republic. The Supreme Court argument is a specious one because we can, it is.

It is. I understand it, but it is because Donald Trump can't be trusted to do anything he says he's going to do. Donald Trump put up that list out. Yeah, he put a list out, and he said everything is flexible. He also, you know, I mean, he flip-lops on things. So who's to say if, which is more important that Republicans keep the Senate, because that's a firewall, the Senate confirms. So if Donald Trump gets in there and it's a Democratic Senate, he could flip and say, well,

I need the Democrats like me. I'm going to put up somebody else. There's nothing to show that Donald Trump is loyal to conservative values. And he doesn't even know how many articles there are in the Constitution. If you want to talk about Constitution. He never brings that off. He appointed Mike Pence, who is a conservative as his nominee for vice president. Number one and number two, he did list, I think, 12 or 13 people who were solid conservatives on the court.

That, to me, is a pretty impressive list. It's not worth the paper it's listed on as far as Donald Trump is concerned, because he doesn't keep his word in. You are a loyal soldier, but it may come back to haunt you, because the man said this week, all these things we're talking about Donald Trump, a lot of them are funny. It's not funny when a guy says, nuclear weapons. Why don't we use them? Yeah. No, seriously, as a patriot, you would want to put a guy in the White House who says nuclear weapons? Why don't we use them if we have...

I'll tell you what's more dangerous. I'll tell you what's more dangerous. I'll tell you what's more dangerous. I'll tell me that. Merrick Garland is more dangerous than... Is President Obama is actually pursuing a policy saying that they will never use a nuclear weapon unless it's a retaliation for another nuclear weapon. for another nuclear weapon. Every president has said that.

No, no, no, no. No president has ever said that. Of course, no, no. Bill, you're wrong on this one. Check your facts. No president has ever said that. Because what if they use a chemical weapon? What if they use a biological weapon?

The president has actually, and you have his people saying what the president is absolutely dangerous. You've got all of our allies in a panic because the president is going to is making it out. Well, they're going to panic because Trump would be president. That is more dangerous. That's why they're in a panic. No, no. That's a fact.

Look at this issue. Look at this issue. And by the way, whatever Obama said, it was completely in line with the history of American presidents since the nuclear age. It was not a departure. Or else someone before you would have mentioned it. Well, maybe you should start reading some articles on the last few days.

Look, I'm no fan of Barack Obama by any means, but at least he knew what the nuclear triad is. Right, right. Unlike Donald Trump, who had no idea. So I don't think that that's, you know, that's the guy who gets his, He gets his foreign policy from the shows. Is he watching tonight?

Maybe he'll learn something. Politicians are not that mentally ill. I go back to that. Can I mention this last issue I was about to bring up, which is sexual harassment, because Donald Trump was asked what Ivanka would do if, and by the way, Ivanka may be our last hope to save the planet. Apparently, she's the only one who can talk to Donald Trump. She's going to be in his cabinet.

In his cabinet. Secretary of Defense that he's building. Right. No, he has a competitive thing with his sons like all asshole fathers do so I don't think he really listens to douchebag fuckface and thirst and shitbag the third

but Ivanka Ivanka if you're out there the world is hanging on you anyway asked what would Ivanka do if she was sexually harassed? He said I would like to think she would find another career or find another company if that was the case that's right ladies when a guy at the office grabs your ass the person who needs to find another job is you

no i've actually had that happened to me that actually happened to me at a christmas party when i was 23 years old no that happened to me one of the receptionists who was a guy actually slapped me on the ass at a christmas party he had a couple too many whiskies and um he didn't get fired i mean i didn't freak out you know but it happens and to have don't trump or any you know anyone with the last name, Trump, say, we'll just get another job. Well, that's like what he does with marriages. Well, I'll just get another wife. So I'm not surprised.

And this is a guy who praised Roger Ailes after we found out that for 20 years he's been harassing women. He's a good guy. The way he helped those women. You know, I mean, come on. Rick, you're a, you know, you're a very, you know, right-wing, evangelical Christian guy. how can you sit there and listen to a guy who talks about supporting, you know, liking Roger Ayles. Rich, please.

Well, first I'm a Catholic. I'm not evangelical Christian, but I love evangelical Christians. I am. Me to Jew. Hey, all right. I've met a few. You're a religious guy. You are principled. And there's a guy that... I was raised Catholic, too, and one thing I know, they like being martyrs. That's why you're here. That's right. The blood of the martyrs is the seat of the church. Absolutely. You're getting big points with the big guy for tonight.

Don't let him off the hook. Answer the question. Oh, look, I can't. Donald Trump, this is a terrible statement. He's got a problem with women. I mean, we're listening to anything about sexual harassment coming from Donald Trump, who calls women pigs and, you know, goes on on Howard Stern and says that Vietnam was, not getting an STD was so personal Vietnam.

I mean, come on, this guy's no credibility. Credibility. I liked Mark Rubio, yeah. Rubio said that Donald Trump should not get near the nuclear codes. He did. And then still endorsed him. I was very disappointed and called him out on that. Every single person that did that.

It is. Look, listen, I've been one of the loyal soldiers that has said that, again, character and integrity matter. And when you have politicians that say one thing on one side and then when it's politically expedient say something else, you get Donald Trump. All right. Time for new rules, everybody. New rules. Our last new rules till September. New Rule, let the Russians go to the Olympics. Sure, they're cheating, but maybe the drugs in their bloodstream will kill the mosquitoes.

See? Good one. The rule, now that skydiver Luke Aikins has shown he can plumb at 25,000 feet with no parachute and land in a hundred foot by hundred foot net. He has to explain to his wife why he's unable to get his underpants and his underpants in the hamper. New Rule, Vietjet, the Vietnamese airline that has seen sail soar after dressing its flight attendants

in bikinis has to go all the way and rename itself Miso Horny Airlines. Me so horny airlines, we'll head for the clouds while you make it rain. New Rule, the Japanese Pokemon Go fans who claim they can make their Pokemon eggs hatch faster by rubbing a vibrator on their phone? Have to admit, A, it doesn't work, and B, your life isn't turning out the way you hope.

New Rule, the owners of the soon to open Falatio Cafe in Geneva, where for $60, patrons can get fellatio and a coffee. Have to explain, what's the point of the coffee? Because you had me at Falacio. Felacio. Trust me, when asked, would you like Felaccio? No man has ever said, not until I've had my coffee. And finally, new rule from now until Election Day, everything else, every issue, every fight, every cause has to take a backseat to defeating Trump. He's like an infection. You don't fool around with it. Look, we all have our issues that are important to us. And so just to leave him.

by example, let me say that I will take my own close to the heart, pet cause, pot legalization off the table. And you know me, I have seeds in my urine. You know that. But if someone

told me that pushing for pot might cost Hillary, Ohio, until November 8th, I'm just going to shut the fuck up about it. Now, I know liberals are feeling pretty good about Hillary's chances this week, But history has taught us that Democrats are pretty good at blowing elections,

and Republicans are masters at winning elections, with solutions in search of a problem. And the problem they're imagining lately is that the transgendered, or sex fiends pretending to be transgendered, roam America's restrooms in drag, looking for a chance to watch people pee. Okay, here's what we can't do. election, get tricked into

symbolic fights about college campus pet peeves. Hillary, if someone asks you if Christmas is unfair to the disabled, because the reindeer laugh at Rudolph's nose, just say, I don't care. I know,

we're liberals, and there's an infinite list of ideas for making the world better by making it less like Duck Dynasty. But there's no room for boutique issues. in an Armageddon election. And look, I'm...

I'm on the side of people peeing where they want. It's an inalienable right. I believe it was Patrick Henry, who once said, Nobody beats the whiz. And I'm not suggesting that we throw the transgender under the bus or discount their struggle. It can't be easy finding pantyhose when you're six-four. But this is exactly the kind of culture war issue

that rousts a certain type of voter out of their trailers on Election Day. As we speak, Anne Coulter is finishing a new book called Urination. How Liberals are giving it to America in the can. Let's not die on this hill, because I've seen this movie before.

In the 2000 election, Al Gore distanced himself from a very successful Clinton administration because the Republicans made it seem like every time Monica Blue Clinton, he was holding her hair. And then there was 2004 when George W. Bush got caught invading the wrong country, so they changed the issue to gay marriage, because this was before gay marriage was popular.

Even in 2008, Obama was still saying this. I believe that marriage is the union between a man and a woman. Now, did he say that because he meant it? No, he just wanted the distraction off the table to make sure a meth head didn't wind up a heartbeat away from the office. Folks, to most people, elections are about jobs and college and terrorism, not social issues. And the people who lead on social issues aren't in Washington anyway. They're here in Hollywood.

This transgender thing, let us handle it. Like we did with it. gay rights, which very few cared about until Hollywood put gay people in every single TV show. Until America not only came to accept gays, they began to wonder

if anyone in high school wasn't gay. We hit him with Glee and Ellen and Will and Grace and Queer Eye for this great guy and pretty soon being gay was just part of our modern family. We have a long

history of mainstreaming non-traderty. traditional families. Punky Brewster lived with an old man for some reason, and we didn't ask and we didn't tell. Same with Major Nelson, who kept his girlfriend in a jar. This is what we're good at. And we've already begun to do it for the transgendered, with the Danish girl and Dallas Byers Club and Transparent.

And of course, there's Caitlin Jenner, who has already showed Americans that a transgendered person could be just like them, a diluted nitwit who supports Donald Trump. All right, that's our show. We'll be back September 16th. I'll be at the Mirage in Vegas, September 30th, and October 1st.

I want to thank Rob Reiner, Tyrus Edmire, Rickson, Torham, the brave Christian, Jeff Ross, and Julianne Hons will join us now for a more time on YouTube. Thank you, folks. Watch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10, or watch them anytime on HBO on demand. For more information, log on to HBO.com.