Real Time with Bill Maher - Episode #406 (Originally aired 10/07/16)

Episode Date: October 8, 2016

Episode #406 (Originally aired 10/07/16) - Bill’s guests are Al Franken, Armando Perez a.k.a. Pitbull, James Carville, Mark Cuban and Johann Hari. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to an HBO podcast from the HBO late-night series Real Time with Bill Maugh. I know why you're... Oh, listen to this excitement. Thank you very much. I know why you're excited. It's California and you're dry.

A little too dry. You know, to our friends in Florida on the southeast coast of America, we wish you the best. Looks like we dodged a bullet a little bit with that storm. However, with Donald Trump talking about women.

It's it has been upgraded to a category five shitstorm. Did you? I mean, every week I say this. This is really happening.

It came out today. They got a tape. Did you see this? It's from 2005, I think, and it's Trump talking to Billy Bush, you know, because he's such a serious guy. Billy Bush. Of access?

They don't know their mic is on. That's one indication you're a fucking idiot. And Trump says, you know, I'm automatically attracted to beautiful. I just start kissing them. I don't even wait. When you're a star, you can do anything. You can grab them by the pussy. This is what he says.

Grab them by the pussy? Sounds like what Hillary did to him at the first debate. Is this really happening? The guy who's running for president? grab them by the pussy? Even Bill Cosby today was like, Jesus, at least I'm thoughtful enough to give them a drug in their drink.

I cannot wait until the Sunday morning talk shows to see what the Trump surrogates are going to spin this into... Look, George, people are tired of Washington politicians who won't grab the voters by the pussy. Donald Trump

and Mike Pence are making sexual great again. And this is a week where only just a few days ago, Donald Trump, out on this dump, accused Hillary Clinton with no evidence of cheating on Bill. Donald Trump, the only person he's ever been able to stay loyal to is Vladimir Putin.

What does Mike Pence, evangelical Catholic choir boy, Boy Scout values person, a guy you said for thousands of years, thousands of years, marriage has served as the glue that holds families and societies together. Mike, when Donald Trump hugs your wife, that's not glue. I mean, no wonder at the vice presidential debate, did you see the debate, by the way? Oh, the Republican said it was a game changer. Game changer. Channel changer. Jesus Christ. Oh, my. These are good.

Tim Cain, who looks like the dad who answers the door on Halloween night, and he's wearing a costume, too. And Mike Pence, who looked like the albino assassin in the Da Vinci Code. Anyway, Mike Pence, interesting guy. The whole debate, first of all, Mike Pence denies evolution, denies climate change, and now denies the existence of Donald Trump. This is... Apparently...

No, really. His whole strategy was to pretend we live in an age where a videotape has yet to be invented. Tim Cain would quote Donald Trump verbatim about Mexicans, about Muslims, about Putin, about using nukes, and Mike Pence would say, Trump, you say? I don't, a Donald Trump. I know a Forrest Gump. I don't know a Donald... I don't think I know a Donald Trump.

And by the way, if I did, he would never say those things you're quoting, even if he did exist, which he doesn't. Mike Pence has a bumper sticker now. It just says Pence plus one. And of course, right after the debate, you know what Donald Trump said? He said, Mike Pence did an incredible job, and I'm getting a lot of credit.

I'm getting a lot of credit. I mean, is there anything this guy will not take credit for? When the sun comes up, the sun. I always said this about the sun, because when it comes, I say, the sun, unbelievable, the sun, when this sun comes up every day, and people are worried about the sun.

We've got to find out what's going on with the sun. But I said it would come up, and it did. I'm taking a lot of credit for that. I mean, I made the sun come out. Okay, so actually, you know, there is an actual scandal that happened this week, not that there isn't every week with Donald Trump, but at the beginning of the week,

we found out in 1995, Donald Trump filed a tax return $916 million loss. Probably hasn't paid taxes in 18 years. And what did Donald Trump say? I used the tax laws brilliantly. Well, they found Donald Trump's accountant. He said, Donald Trump didn't understand the tax code.

He didn't do anything but sign his name to it. So if you're keeping score, he's a huge business failure, which he exploited by cheating. and then bragged about it with a lie. Somewhere in the showers at Sing Sing, Bernie Madoff is going, shit, I should have run for president.

Didn't pay taxes for 18 years? I've got an accounting question. How is this election close? Oh, that's right. Fucking idiots. I try not to say that every week, and yet it seems to be so apropos. Fucking idiots vote.

And speaking of fucking idiot, The next debate on Sunday is a town hall format. The questions will come from undecided voters. For fuck's sake, undecided voters. They've been running for over a year. They've been famous both of these people for 30 years. It's like being undecided about Santa Claus and Dracula. You know, I know both of you work at night.

Which one sucks blood? So you know what, people, don't fuck around with this election. Don't fuck around. I know Hillary isn't your favorite a lot of you. Please, don't vote for Gary Johnson or do some stupid shit like that. Gary Johnson, who, as we know, couldn't name Aleppo, the city at the heart of the Syrian War, which is going on for five years, couldn't name any foreign leader.

This week, he was asked to name the leader of North Carolina. Korea said, I'm not going to do it. Gary Johnson, I think, should not be my president. He should be my weed dealer. All right, we've got a great show. James Carville, Mark Cuban, and Yohan Hari are here. We will be speaking with Mr. Worldwide himself Pitbull. The first step, oh, this guy, I used to laugh my ass at him on Saturday Night Live

and politically incorrect what he was on. Then he went on to other things. That's right. He's a senator. Al Franken is over here. It's a senator. Gary Johnson. Gary Johnson

did not know the name of the president of Mexico when he was the governor of New Mexico. Right. It's like Jerry Brown, the governor of California, not knowing the city where people go to gamble. Las Vegas. Okay, I'm sorry.

Anyway. Al, it is so good to see you telling jokes again. I mean, you haven't been on this show in a very long time. You had to, for a very good reason, you had to take a humor hiatus. You were known as, I don't think it's ever been a comedian, right? Elected to the Senate?

No. Right. You were breaking new grin. And you had to prove to people that you were serious before you could go back to being funny. But now you can go back to be funny because you not being funny is like Trump not being an asshole. It just, it's the Thank you.

Oh, that is. So, gosh, that's the nicest thing anyone said to me. It's your essence. Well, you know, I really enjoy this job, and I really enjoy making a difference. And in my 2008 election, which was very close, what they used against me was stuff I had said in comedy, and they put it through a machine called the dehumorizer. And so it robbed it of all its context, et cetera. The dehumorizer.

And then, you know, I came to the Senate and I wanted to make sure that people in Minnesota, especially, but also my colleagues in the Senate, knew that I was there to be a workhorse and not a show horse. And in many ways, I used Hillary as a model, not that she had been that funny. She was funny, but not that funny. But that she had come with...

She had to prove herself. She had some of the same issues that her report. Republican colleagues are maybe suspicious of her that Democratic colleagues might thought that she was going to take their camera time. But she did was, she was a workhorse. And I had the same thing because I had come from comedy about the camera time and the Republicans. I had used a lot of my career to keep scorn and ridicule on Republicans.

So, but... Well, but my Republican colleagues soon learned that I was there at the hearings. I was prepared. I was there early. I stayed late. I knew my stuff. And they also got to know me. You were the anti-Marco Rubio.

Well, you showed up and you knew shit. Okay. And, uh... But they actually got to know me and said... And they got to know, like, oh, I see. He was a community. because he was funny. Right.

And I laugh a lot. Right. So I work across party lines when we can find common ground, and I stand my ground when I have to. Right. And you do it well. And speaking of heaping scorn, you know, 2003, you had your book out,

lying, liars and the lies they tell. Lies and the lying liars who tell them, yes. Okay. But, and, you know, it's a great book. And it put the, you know, it put the focus where it should be on the lies and the liars. But, I mean, can you imagine where we've come with lying now? I mean, someone like Donald Trump has broken ground in a way that science never thought we were.

I mean, he lies sometimes within the same sentence. He lies about lying. The thing is, when I did that, it was President Bush, W, and it was kind of quaint. to point out that things were lies or distortions. And it's just changed. We're in a post-Trump era in terms of lying. And politicians don't seem to pay a penalty for insulting your intelligence with lies, lying about lying, lying for the sake of lying.

You don't pay any price for that. In fact, it's just the opposite. We seem to be a very pro-lawful. society right now. Right. And... Well, because people don't know anything. Well, many of his supporters... See, when people don't know anything,

politicians can say anything. I also think... I think they like it because it... It takes the reality that they think is boring, the boring political reality, and makes it fun.

It's like taking... It's like making a movie out of a... a true story, but loosely basing it, you know. And so, yeah, so I think the public has become decidedly pro-lie. Yeah, I mean, it must be very hard to, you mentioned working across the aisle, it must be very hard in that atmosphere. And we have seen, I mean, just in the time you've been there, they won't vote on the Supreme Court justice?

I mean, something like that. Unprecedented, unprecedented. Things like Zika virus, something like that used to be very nonpartisan, There's a killer mosquito. Let's do something about it. Right. Can't vote on that. Is there any hope to ending this kind of stalemate?

Yes, I like to think there is. First of all, I'm obviously hope that Hillary wins. Sorry. I should have put that... How brave up you, Al! I'm sorry to... They killed time with the applause. I'm sorry.

But, and then I hope we have a lot. And then I hope we have a Democratic Senate. Don't, you know, I know you like that. But here's the thing. And then I think we get a new Supreme Court justice. And Citizens United was decided 5'4. And I would like to think that we can reverse that. And this is what's been so pernicious about Citizens United

is that I see a lot of my Republican colleagues who fear getting primary on the right and, for example, on climate change, which you care tremendous about and I do, they will not acknowledge the existence of climate change and it's manmade because they're afraid that in their state they can only lose on the right and that the Koch brothers can dump immediately $10 million on them to be primaried by someone who's pro-fossil fuels. So if Citizens United goes away, a lot of that fear goes away, I think, from my Republican colleagues. Now, last time I say you I mentioned this in private, I'm going to ask you it again. I said, I have an idea about Citizens United because Congresspeople spent an ordinary amount of time begging for money.

What if they made a law that said, okay, we can't overturn that. You can get money. but the politician themselves can't do it. You have somebody in your office has to do it. You can never legally get on the phone with someone. Wouldn't that be a good law? Wouldn't they all vote for it because they don't really want to do it? Well, actually, we can't literally ask for the citizen.

That's not the money we asked for. But you've been hours and hours asking for money. You've done it with me. What if it was illegal? You weren't giving citizens. You know, I had money. Okay. The distinction is any campaign fine.

I would like to see. public financing of campaigns. Me too. But short of that. That I would like to see. You're right. I spend an awful lot of time. What happens is when I call you for money, we just

end up talking. And if you're just a big waste of... Well, you're not a waste of time. You give me money, but... It's great to see you. Set it around, Frank, and one of you... Let's meet our panel. Here they are. He is a journalist and author of Chasing the Scream. Now in paperback, Johann Hari back with us.

Hey, Aramah. How you doing? He is an entrepreneur and an actual billionaire. He's supporting Hillary Clinton for president. Good move. Mark Cuban. And he's a Democratic strategist and author of We're Still Right and They're Still Wrong, the Democrats case for 2016. From the War Room, James Carville. All right.

So don't forget us to send us your questions for tonight's overtime. You can answer them after the show on YouTube. All right, every week I say, when are we going to reach the bottom with Donald Trump? Obviously, this was not the week. You were around when the Republicans were saying, what do we tell the children? Yeah, I remember that well.

What do we tell the children about I grab pussy without permission? Well, you know, what was interesting is that you watch, Mike Pence in the debate, you know, he was so religious I thought he was going to start speaking in tongue. What does he say about this? He kicked the reporters out. He said nothing, but we're going to stop gays from getting married. But, you know, maybe the good thing is they won't be grabbing people there, you know. He said if gay people applied for a marriage license, they should be arrested. He's a nut. He says that people who get abortions should have to have a funeral.

for the fetus. He's... He's... A lie path. Yeah. At the lie path. A funeral... He said that gay people who want treatment...

What do you say at the eulogy? He said that gay people who want treatment for HIV should have to be required to go to courses that would cure them of their homosexuality. He's a seriously extreme person. And now he's defending the guy who says you can grab any woman's pussy you want. And he's the one on the ticket who is same. Yeah. That's...

That's... That people want to put at the top of the ticket. That's crazy. Well, I understand now... Donald Trump was supposed to have a rally tomorrow with Paul Ryan. Right. And now he has been disinvited. Right.

And it's... This just happened before we went on. And it's going to be Mike Pence and Paul Ryan. Wow. When the top of the ticket is disinvited to his own rally? He's finally toxic. Donald Trump is finally toxic. And I...

Yeah. Mark and I got into a discussion before this. I think he's going to quit. I don't, no, really, right now, I'm saying right here. Yes, it's just no way. You know why he's not going to quit? He caused his basket of deplorables. Right.

And if the basket fits, they'll stick with it. He's not smart enough. No, he has a problem, though. He is completely unaware. Right. And we've had so many moments when it looked like he was in attack on the Khan family. And particularly as a British person, I feel very self-conscious about this here, you know, because of the Brexit debate, you look at two things are happening all over the world right now.

countries are acting to self-harm in insane ways. Britain will be permanently poorer, weaker and shittier because of Brexit. This week in Colombia, they voted to reject a peace deal that would have ended a 50-year war. And the second thing that's happening is people are lying to opinion pollsters about it. They're saying they won't vote for it, then they're going into the polling station

and they're voting for it. I think we should be working on the assumption that Trump will bounce back from this and that he will win. And anyone watching this who wants to stop that happening, I think it's the most likely scenario and anyone who wants to stop that happening. I know I will never forgive myself

for not who he's done more. People should be signing up now to volunteer. Well, maybe this will help people not. Again, this is a guy. Let's remember. He has said both, nobody knows the Bible better than me. And this week, he said,

nobody respects women more than me. Right. Okay. He knows more than the generals. Right. He knows what? I don't know what that's to do with this. Here's what he said we found out today.

He was talking to Billy Bush. I moved on her and I failed. He's talking about a married woman. I'll admit it, I did try and fuck her. She was married. Mike Pence, your move. And I moved on her very heavily. In fact, I took her out furniture shopping.

Who takes somebody furniture shopping? I knew. I've heard him buying dinner to get into a woman's pants. But you have to buy the whole date himself. He's never heard of jewelry? Furniture to buy a... That's crazy. That's crazy. All right.

This is a kind of good opportunity to really... assess some of the things we already knew about Donald Trump. For example, when he got divorced in 1989, his wife Ivana said that he raped her, right? This is just a fact. She gave a sworn deposition. We should be looking at a lot of the evidence. Eve Ansela wrote a very good piece this week in the Huffington Post, just going through the evidence about him.

Well, if you will grab a woman's vagina without being invited, I... He had tic tic tic tics. He did have tic tic tic. That was... I see that he didn't need some... Let me just say, for people who may be watching and thinking all celebrities act this way, we don't.

We don't. I've been single my whole life. I've never treated a woman anywhere near like this, always with the utmost of respect. I'm sure you have to. No question. Okay. So, and I'm going to ask Mr. Pitbull the same question. Even though he's a pit bull, I'm sure he was always a total gentleman. Okay. Let me, let me,

let's go to the thing that was going to be a giant scandal before this, which is the fact that at the beginning the week we found out, it in a 1995, he, at $916 million loss, you're a billionaire, an actual billionaire. For real. Did they teach... Did they teach losing a billion dollars a year in business school? That's crazy.

So first of all, when you look at that tax return, it shows he didn't have a billion dollars in cash, right? You can work backwards from the amount of tax and interest that he earned and all it kept. So first, that means if he didn't have it, he didn't have it to lose, so he had to borrow it. So not only did he lose it, but he lost somebody else's money. I mean, how do you do that? You've been doing that his whole life. You've got to remember how he lost it.

He lost it bankrupt in three casinos. I mean, that's a rigged deal. You're not supposed to. No, no, no, no, that's not how he did it, right? No, he actually took the loans that he got from somebody else for we don't know what, sold those loans because he had personal guarantees, sold them to the shareholders of those casinos. So not only did he fuck the people he borrowed the $915 or a billion from, he then fucked the casino shareholders who are little guys

who were just trying to own a stock and make some money. So he got double the fun. And don't you think this reveals a kind of deeper systemic problem as well, right? And he's an idiot? That's definitely a taste. But the reason he can do this is because we have a tax code that was written by lobbyists for Richmond. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. You know, John... Wait, that's not true. That's definitely true. You don't have a tax code that was written for rich people? I know you're a red, non-evil. Let me just...

I'm not defending him at all, but let me just say, I've taken net operating losses forward, right? I've used that opportunity. But let me tell you where I did it. I made an investment in companies that just didn't work out. And if you get rid of being able to carry forward a net operating loss, you're going to have people who would have taken chances that might not take those risks.

And so while some of my companies didn't work, unlike Donald Trump, I have had more than 100 that have created, more than 300 millionaires that have created a ton of jobs. So there is a value to it, but the way they did it for the real estate,

that part was wrong. How about the fact that his, Giuliani and Chris Christie, his gerbils and gory? I can see Giuliani's daughters. Yeah, she's for Hillary. We're all over TV saying he's a genius. I find that so interesting,

because in 2012, when Mitt Romney was running, and it was all about the takers, the people who don't pay any income tax, evil takers. Now when you don't pay any income tax, you're a genius. How they switched that around in four years is pretty amazing. And if you want to know that, and do an experiment with that,

take any one of Donald Trump's businesses and take away all the things that everyone in this audience paid for with tax, so he can't have the garbage collected. He can't have, nothing can be delivered on roads. No one who works for a public school can go... All the military. He wants all the new programs.

The whole thing would collapse in a second. You can't do it without a tax base, and he hasn't contributed a damn penny to it. Yes, sir? No, I mean, I couldn't agree more. Here you could root Giuliani, if we were saying, his daughter wasn't for him, his son refused to endorsement of Iran.

You got Chris Christie, who's some kind of a robot for Trump, and this is all gone. It's all collapsing around him. He's not a robot. He's a companion animal. Especially... But here's... Here's what they said.

Here's what the Trump campaign said on the tax issue. Mr. Trump is a highly skilled businessman. Doubtful. No. Who has a fiduciary responsibility to his family, his business, and his employees. This is the same argument. Every corporation...

Same argument they use when they poison a river or move a factory overseas. Hey, please, mic drop. We did it for our family. We did it for our stockholders. We have to act like a sociopath because we have stockholders. And Donald Trump has been going around the country for a year talking about how Ford do assholes.

You move jobs overseas. Can't Ford make the same argument? What about them? We got to feed our families. We've got to do our stockholders, right? Well, Ford's actually running a company, trying to make money, adding jobs, you know, creating a product. But Trump has done nothing.

But Trump is in their face when they do things for their... But just to be fair, a Ford because I drive a Ford F-150, the CEO said they were actually adding jobs in America. Yeah. And no, he did. The Trump is a good company. He's just clueless. Don't you especially love the argument when he says, well, I'm the guy to fix this because I'm the one who worked the system?

It's like, where else do we apply the logic? Do we say, I don't know, that Bill Cosby should be put in charge of the rape squad. Because, well, he knows how to do. It's absurd. They have never... I do use Charles Manson Home Security. It is very, very good. But, you know, usually people who are good at business, like Warren Buffett, I've never heard him lose money.

You know, when he invests in something, you're like, wow, he's investing in railroads, and then you read a week later, oh, the railroads are doing well. Here's all you need to know about Donald Trump. He's not a good business man. He's horrible. Right. Here's how you know, right? Has there been anybody who's come forth and said, Donald Trump was a great mentor to me? I learned so much it helped me build my business.

Has there been anybody... If you rape this, he'd say that. Well, has there been anybody who's come forward and said, you know what? Yeah. I invested in Donald's business, and I made so much money. Has there been anybody who came forward and said, Donald Trump invested in my business, and he helped me make...

No! Right? All you see is, he took this, he stiffed me, he sucks. I mean, he's horrible at everything. Right. He hasn't been successful with everything. Okay, so... Speaking of Donald Trump, and hopefully next year, we won't anymore.

Thank you. You know, we started a segment on the show a couple of years ago called, I don't know it for a fact. I just know it's true. You know, it was those things where, like, I can't really prove it. I just know it's true. And I realized this is whole, this is Donald Trump's whole campaign. But we claim this first.

So we're going to do it one more time this year. Would you like to hear it? It's, I don't know it for a fact. For example, I don't know for a fact that jack-o-lanterns always have better teeth than Rudy Giuliani. I just know it's true. I don't know for a fact that when these pastors laid their hands on Trump, they were thinking, can you catch herpes through a suit?

I just know it's true. I don't know for a fact that the guys who tied up gagged and robbed Kim Kardashian actually brought the gag for Kanye. I just know it's true. I don't know for a fact. that after an orgasm, Tim Cain says, OK-dokey.

I just know it's true. I don't know for a fact that after an orgasm, Mike Pence says, whore. I just know. I don't know for a fact that doctor's offices

pick the employee with the thickest accent to come out into the waiting room and announce the next patient. He doesn't look like she has an accent. I don't know for a fact that Gary Jones has Gary Johnson tattooed on his arm?

In case he can't name himself. I just know it's true. I don't know for a fact that my Uber driver's name isn't really Kevin. I just know it's true. I don't know for a fact that Trump's Taco Bowl is 38% spit. I just know it's true.

All right, he is a Grammy Award winning. musician whose fathered charter schools in his native Miami. His name is Armando Christian Perez. But you know him as Pitbull. Hey, sir. What a very pleasure, yes. Thank you. Hello, folks. How you doing? Mark, good to see you, boss. Good to see you, boss. That's very polite. No one ever did that on our show, and everyone probably should. You were very polite.

Right. Right, exactly. There are people sitting there. It's called GP, general principles. General Principles. That's right. And I'm going to call you Armando, right? Are you switching to that name now?

Like Lerok gave up that, and now he's Dwayne? No, not at all, but you can call me Armando. I don't know if this is your cup of mine, but I appreciate it. No, that's yours. All right, cool. Unless it tastes like gin and then it's mine. Hold on, hold on. Definitely yours.

Listen, I'm a fan of yours. I think we have a lot in common. I hope you're a fan of mine. Let me tell you, it's definitely an honor to be here. I appreciate it. I'm a big fan of real time. I'm also a big fan of vice and everything that you guys got going on. I'm always trying to keep myself informed with what's going on.

Absolutely. And you do. And I think what else we have in common? I used to be a drug dealer. You used to be a drug dealer. What? It's a kind of a gateway to show business. Well, let me tell you.

Jay-Z was a drug dealer. Great people were drug deals. I think it's called, you know, especially with Mark Cuban here, it's called entrepreneurship. Yeah. Right? Right? Yeah, we have two Cubans here now. We have two Cubans, yeah.

And the thing is, it's funny because now they deal all the drugs except the commercial tells you what it can do to you and then everything is going to do bad to you, which is about a minute and a half of the commercial. And I'm going, wow, imagine that in the street. It's like, hey, here's this Coke, here's this crack. It's going to get you high for five minutes, but it's going to fuck up your whole family. You're going to rock for everybody. about it. It's going to fuck with your community and they're still going to do it. It's amazing. Wow. And now they just do it and it's approved.

God bless him. It was an excellent anti-drug person. This is your brain and this is your brain on drugs. Right. And thank you to Nancy Reagan. What did she say? Or just say no? Just say no. And we all know she said yes.

I don't know what that means, but your laughter. Your laughter is infection. Mr. Pitbull. So, listen, you are Mr. Worldwide. That is true. And, you know, you say that in your record, International Love, which I love,

you have some great records. I appreciate it, thank you. Give me everything, great record. You want me to give you everything right now? No, no, the song. I mean, you're already giving me the gin. I don't know you're going to give me there. I'm not too good on gin.

I'm just letting you know I'm going to get a little loose. But you say, you know, you've been all over the world and you say, you know, like, hi, I go to these places. I can't pronounce the name. It's the truth. I could do that for you. Okay. See, that's what I know these places.

Name any place in the world. I can tell you about it. Where have you been that was confusing to you? Oh, man, a lot of places, to be honest with you. A lot of places, that's why I say. Can't even remember them. You're like Gary Johnson. I'm,

no, I'm almost like, I'm almost like pins trying to figure out if he really wants to be with Trump. You know what I mean? Okay, all right. We'll move on from that. But let's talk about something closer to home, because your heart must be with Florida right now,

your home state. Yes, sir. Luckily, they seem to have not been getting the brunt of the flood as the poor people in Haiti did. That was awful what happened there. But Florida, kind of an interesting place for Cubans these days, because for years, what? Yeah.

No, because for years, I mean, they were pretty solidly in the Republican column because of Castro and all that. And now things are changing. your generation, I think, is moving away from that. Is that true? Absolutely the truth. The way that I look at it also is that I think that

when you look that we're having with Elian Gonzalez in the late 90s, and Janet Reno came through, she snatched up, or snatched up Elian Gonzalez, during the Clinton administration, Al Gore, running against Bush, and you see that, guys, if you ever seen the best robbery in the history of United States of America, look at the 2000 presidential election, Yes.

It was very interesting. Oh, yes. Absolutely. So when you look at networks that were running off, and they said, oh, well, Al Gore is the president of the United States. And they were running, and they were running and they were running. And then all of a sudden it's like, oh, I think we need to recount these ballots. And so, wow.

And then it ended up in Dayton County. Day County, being in Miami. That's right. You know, 305. And, you know. Mr. 305. To like that, baby, you already know what it is. Not a missus.

But I think that had a lot. I grabbed my pussy. Yeah. Come on. Come on. I hate that worldwide. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If he only wish, he could grab pussy and get it.

But either. No, and I was going to say, like I was saying before in the panel, you may have missed it, you were probably backstage. But celebrities don't act that way. In no way shape of form. Right. I bet you were always a general. And I know you say you're single, bilingual.

And ready to mingle. Always. And you have children? I have children. I have children. And now that, you know, to me, I'm always far from a celebrity. I think that anybody here, yes, we're in the public eye, but I feel like I'm more of a hard worker. I'm someone that...

You're a hardworking celebrity. You're a total celebrity. You're pit bull. But the thing is, the thing is with celebrity this day and age, it's... They live through different means. I don't live through social media. I don't live to sell myself. I would say I live more to send off a message.

Guys, I'm a prime example on what it is to focus, to work hard, to, I'm here to motivate, inspire, and show you guys that there's no, thank you. By the way, I appreciate that mark. I really look at it like everybody looking for instant gratification, and looking for short-crust, they're looking for like this magic bullet, and it just doesn't exist. Right.

And that's what these celebrities try to do, and that's where Trump talk about, oh, okay, all I do is grab a pussy because I'm a celebrity, I'm gonna get some pussy, bulls, shit. And even if you got some pussy, you probably came quick. I, I, sir, I, you know, I, I had a bad image of footbills before tonight, but

I may get a putt bill myself. They're a very misunderstood animal, right? Isn't that why you took that name, pit bull, because they're misunderstood. They're actually... They're misunderstood. Right. You have... Very nice, like you. You just don't want to upset them. You don't want to switch. You don't want that switch now.

We bite, we lock, we don't understand what lose is, and we... Would that happen to you? You're fight to the death. You're such a nice guy, but if I turn the switch, you'd fight me to the death? Let me give me some more. This gin and me, Bill, and I'll tell you right now, you don't want to see it. One thing I love about you, and I'm going to turn this back to the panel about this. You have

your new album, it's going to be called Global Warming, right? Climate Change. And the new album is called Climate Change. And the old one is called Global Warming and Globalization. That's awesome. That somebody in your position is is bringing light to that. I remember way back, you may not Remember this? Marvin Gay, remember him?

Remember the song, Mercy, Mercy, Me? The Ecology. 1970, this guy was on that shit. Brilliant stuff. I commend you for doing that. Thank you. Now, what's going on in Florida, okay, listen to this. The people who run Florida,

the Department of Environmental Protection, who run that part of the state, are not allowed to mention global warming. Not allowed to mention climate change. This came down. Governor Rick Scott denies it's coming from him, but who else could it come from? This is the state probably most in the path of global warming, as we see today. The storm is bad because the ocean is warmer. This is obviously tied to climate change.

There's no doubt about it anymore. And these people in this state, the state most in, should be worried about this, are denying it. It's just... Well, it's funny you say it because I was watching... Back to you, Pitt. I was watching... talk about there. If we're going to call it

it real time, now it's the pit bull show. But now I'm not messing with you. But look, no, real talk is this. I was watching him having the conversation and it's funny how they would not, I wouldn't say, exaggerate about things, exaggerate about things that were going on, but he would say it's a catastrophic

category four. Mind you, 1992, Andrew hit in Florida. This is the hottest year ever recorded since human beings. And they expect you. No, and it's hard. It's only going to get hotter. And it's only going to get...

And it's the 15th month in a row. Yeah, it's been the hottest month ever. I think it's so important that what you're doing, you know, I've been to so many places in the world already... One thing we keep doing is we keep saying, oh, when you're worried about global warming, you say, think about your children and grandchildren. I'm just start saying, fuck that, worry about yourself, right?

I've been to so many parts of the world. Bangladesh, for example, lowest-lying country in the world. They are moving people to live in place. Yes, and they're migrating over to India, which I've seen also, and actually I've seen on viruses. But, Judge, in Rush Limbaugh and Alex Jones, said the government is making the hurricane up. The government controls the thermometers.

Don't you know that Trump said it was a hoax? They're exaggerating everything. It's not real. I want to read that. The palm trees falling over were not real. I have just with a month to go before the election, I have had it just about up to here. I have zero tolerance for false equivalency anymore. And people who don't know about Hillary

because her emails might kill us. It's ridiculous. Here's what Hillary said about climate change. Climate change is the most consequential, urgent, sweeping collection of challenges we face as a nation and a world. I agree 150,000. Thank you. Here's what Donald Trump said. It's a hoax by the Chinese.

But you're the same people he buys a steel from, right? You don't need to know anything more about this election. Just got to walk outside. I mean, you don't have to be a genius just to open the door. Oh, it's hot as fuck. Let's go back in. Correct. But they can measure this shit.

They throw a snowball. A snowball. Guy Burke, 1.6 billion data points and they got a snowball to say, well, we have snow. They're telling you, it's not just Trump that says it's a hoax. There's a whole infrastructure out there. There's a big worry, I think, as well. So there's going to be a lot of people who I think,

I have a bit more sympathy than you, have legitimate criticisms of Hillary Clinton and were thinking about voting green, because they live in safe states. And I think it's really worth warning them that there's a real risk in this election that Donald Trump could win the popular vote but lose the electoral college, just like Al Gore did, right?

If he does that, he won't do what Al Gore did. Which, coincidentally, he spoke about... Exactly, he won't grow a beard and make a documentary about global. Most of his supporters, 65% say the election will be rigged if he loses. By the way, you know what a rigged election is? The governor of Florida, Rick Scott said today, a lot of people don't have power on this date. The deadline for registering to vote is a couple of days,

He's not going to advance it. Because, of course, Republicans only cheat to win elections. You should be able to register right up to the day of the election. It's what Naomi Klein said about the shock doctrine. They always use disasters to advance their agenda. But wait a minute, the whole Gary Johnson thing, you know, this guy, I'm just telling you, you don't say dope doesn't hurt anybody.

He smoked a lot of dope, and he doesn't know a lot. You saw that heavy dope use don't have something to outside to it. Now, James. I'm just saying, I'm not saying... You're going to get the pit bull and meat. I'm not saying causation, correlation. But it is a fact that he smokes a lot of dope

and it is a fact he don't know jack shit. You know what? If I may, you would have to go to the first day of any logic course to know that's some fucking bullshit that you said. You know that's not... I think it is. You're being facetious.

I just wanted to get you. I just wanted to... I just wanted to say to, there is it, there is, I'm not saying it to a connection. I'm just saying. James, James, it's super dangerous to say that in California at the moment. They're about to have a historic vote on whether to legalize cannabis, which will really resonate across the world if they do that. And it's really important.

You know, I'm going to say, I will say to all what you say all the time. Get a life, take a joke. Gary Johnson is a joke. He's a big, huge joke. Okay, I want a real joke. Let's say one more thing about this. there. FEMA, right? You don't hear about FEMA anymore. Back in 2005, it was a big deal because they fucked it up. Because George Bush appointed his college roommate or something.

The reason you don't hear about it anymore is because Democrats appoint people who do the job. By the way, the guy that does it is a guy named Craig Thugate, who was Bush's FEMA guy when they had five hurricanes in Florida in 2004. He was put in there because just like James Lee Witt, who playing is a professional disaster guy. Right. And that's like a good idea. He doesn't run an Arabian horse show. And that's why you don't.

You don't when they had the floods in Bad Rouge. They were totally competent, unbelievably competent, and that's what you want. You want the FEMA director to be like the umpire. Is Mary Matlin an independent now? I let Mary Madeline speak for Mary Madeline. I read that that she's an independent.

I think what is a fact that she changed her registration to libertarian. James, it's been 25 years, but you're slowly winning the battle. All right. It's time for new rules, everybody, new rules. All right. New rule, conservatives who wear t-shirts that say things like, bend over, here comes your stadiums, stacket.

Bend over, America, this is going to hurt, and bend over, here comes Uncle Obama. Have to see a professional about their desire to be anally penetrated by a powerful black man. As for the guys who wear the bend over here comes Hillary shirt, whatever. New Rule, now that Playboy has eliminated pictures of naked women, and this month features a fully clothed Muslim woman wearing a hijab, they must be congratulated for finally giving readers what they want.

I can't tell you how many times as an adolescent, leafing through Playboy, I'd say to myself, this is good. This is very good, but you know it would make it even better? More clothing and religious overtones. New Rule, Jane Allen, the Georgia grade school teacher who was fired after posting on Facebook that Michelle Obama is a, quote, gorilla who needs a makeover,

needs to buy a mirror. I'm sure they sell them at the 99-cent store where she bought that dress. And the hacksore she used to cut her hair. I know it's not nice to make fun of someone's looks. I'm just trying to teach Jane Allen a lesson. Besides, she's really ugly. New Rule, if you're in the market for a motorcycle

with saddlebags, a windscreen, a sidecar, a trunk, and a trailer, buy a car. This doesn't say easy rider, it says homeless hoarder. New Rule, Tucko Bell, doesn't need a makeover to honor its mex. heritage, I don't go to Taco Bell for ambiance. I go because it's

the only place I can get a colonic for a dollar. Oh my goodness. And finally, new rule in the next debate when Donald Trump starts going on about how everything in this country is a total disaster,

Hillary must lean into the mic and say wrong. Donald Trump's campaign. Okay, quiet, quiet. No, no, no. We're into the end now. Donald Trump's campaign is built, of course, on many fallacies, but the one we really need to debunk is that America is in such a desperate place

that a wild card like Trump is worth the risk. Trump fans talk like they live in a western town where the banditos are so out of control, only a maverick gunslinger can save them. And with no tax code. The fastest tweet in the West covered in Man tan. Not really worth that, was it? So, please.

I don't need your pity. Wait, wait, I may need your pity. But I give Donald Trump supporters a little credit. They know he's an asshole. It is hard to hide. They just don't care. They'll admit, yes, he's dangerous and thin-skinned and unhinged and clinically insane.

And an egotomaniac, a compulsive liar. a charlatan with the impulse control of a grease fire. But we have to take the risk because America is hanging by a thread. How do we know it is? Donald Trump told me. The situation is worse than it has ever been before. The generals have been reduced to rubble.

Our country is going to hell. Our infrastructure is going to hell. African-Americans Hispanics are living in hell. You walk down the street, you get shot. The American dream is dead. It's insane. I mean, one of the popular

memes on the right these days, I'm not kidding, is that this election, they're calling it the Flight 93 election, as in the plane on 9-11 that crashed in Pennsylvania after the passengers rushed the cockpit. In other words, things have gotten so bad. It's time to rush America's cockpit.

As the creator of the metaphor put it, you may not make it into the cockpit, but if you don't try, death is certain. Really? President Hillary equals certain death? What do they think she's going to do? Pour lead in the water supply? Oh, wait, that was the Republicans in Michigan.

So there's that view, and then there's the facts. Remember them? Facts. So old school, aren't they? But they tell us the country is actually in pretty good shape. Violent crime at its lowest since 1970. The military, better funded than ever. Trump says our health care is a horror show.

But more Americans have insurance than ever. Fewer are smoking. Cancer is down. Teen pregnancy is down. Alcohol abuse is down. Somehow Dick Cheney is still alive. Eight years ago, we were losing 800,000 jobs a month. Now, we've added 14 million.

The stock market went from under 7,000 to over 18. Consumer sentiment is as high as it was in the 80s under St. Reagan. The economy today is actually better than the one Mitt Romney promised in 2012 when he said he would get unemployment under six. Trump says, You have great economists that will tell you the unemployment rate is 30, 30, 32. do. No. Every economist knows it's five because they get their numbers from the Bureau of Labor Statistics,

not from the Department of I'm Hearing. If Mitt Romney were running on this economy, the people with the Make America great hats would have re-elect Romney stickers on their rascal scooters. But the president isn't a white man with an R next to his name, so it's Flight 93. You know, I've read so much crap about how Trump voters are hurting, and we should respect their anger and their pain.

It's a myth that the media swallowed whole. The average Trump primary voter makes $72,000 a year. No more likely to be hurt by immigration or trade or to be out of work. Donald Trump doesn't really have solutions, and his supporters don't really have problems. The only thing poor about them is their judgment. they're hysterics, and they think President Tupac spent eight years spent eight years turning the American dream into nightmare on Black Street,

and Hillary's going to finish the job. The reason why Trump is so popular with a certain type of voter is because they're kindred spirits, these white men sitting at the end of the bar, nursing a gin and tonic because their dick doesn't work anymore. and life didn't pan out the way they wanted. So they sit there crabbing about how the system's rigged against them, and America's not winning anymore, and we're getting pushed around by everybody.

China and Mexico and women and blacks who have so many advantages over white people. At the convention, Trump said, I am your voice. For once, he wasn't lying. He is your voice, because you're a whiny little bitch. At first show, I'll be at the Blaisdell in Honolulu, New Year's Eve, and at the Maui Arts Center New Year's Day. I want to thank Yohan Hari, Mark Huber, James Carville, Pitbull, and Al Franken. I appreciate you so much to have it. I love your records.

I wasn't kidding. All those tunes I was trying to drill off. Watch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10, or watch them anytime on HBO on demand. For more information, log on to HBO. com.