Reddit Stories - Decided against ALTERING my birthday CELEBRATION ARRANGEMENTS for my nephew with special needs.

Episode Date: July 31, 2025

#redditstories #askreddit #aita #familydrama #birthdayparty #specialneeds #decisionmaking #relationshipsSummary: I chose not to change my birthday plans for my nephew with special needs. Tags: redditstories, askreddit, reddit, aita, tifu, familydrama, birthdayparty, specialneeds, decisionmaking, relationships, celebration, arrangements, nephew, birthday, change, plans, choice, family, supportBecome a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/reddit-stories--6237355/support.

I hope you enjoy this story. Decided against altering my birthday celebration arrangements for my nephew with special needs. Nevertheless, my sibling assumed I would relocate and care for his child around the clock while he spends time with his spouse. On their dream vacation. Backstory, my sister and I, early 30s, have an older brother. He's on his second marriage. His first marriage gave me my nephew, Connor, 15.

Connor is autistic. When he was born, my, at the time, sister-in-law's family was the village. My parents were also the village. My sister and I were not. This resulted in many arguments until I told my parents they could either have my brother and his family and I would go and see or they could respect my boundaries and I'd still be around. They agreed. Eventually, my brother got a divorce because of marital problems, one of which was his ex-wife insisting that I and my sister step up and help. I felt bad for him, still do, but I wasn't going to change my stance. My sister didn't either. I have lived out of state for a bit and recently accepted a new job off her close to home. It came with a nice bonus, so I decided to invite my parents, sister,

and brother out for dinner at my favorite KBBQ spot. My parents confirmed that it wasn't my brother's week with my nephew, so all was well and good. About a week before I'd got back home, my brother called and said his ex had something come up and that he had Connor the upcoming week and his current wife was going to be out of town with her sisters. I said no worries and asked if he wanted to call his regular babysitter for Connor and I'd cover it for our dinner night. He said no, he wanted to bring Connor to the dinner and asked if we could change the venue because Connor gets overstimulated. I said no. This was my dinner, I'm paying for it, I'm going to my favorite place. He said, you know, your nephew really can't handle a place like that, I said

yes, I know. That's why I'm offering to cover paying for a babysitter for that night. He argued that he'll just bring Connor with him. I said he's welcome to do that, but then I'm not going so it'll just be him and our parents. He told me that was messed up, that if Connor gets over-stimulated, he'll just take him and go outside until he calms down. I reminded him the last time we went to a KBBBQ place. Conor had a meltdown and they had to leave. My parents always feel bad for Connor, so they'll usually leave and go to my brother's house to help. I said I didn't want that happening. I wanted to have a nice dinner without having to worry about that. He told me to go fuck myself and hung up. We went to dinner, my sister, my parents, and I. My brother did not show up. It was a nice dinner. My parents enjoyed it too,

but they said they wished my brother had come. I agreed. They then said they wished my nephew had come too. I did not agree. I said it would have likely resulted in my brother leaving after maybe 30 to 40 minutes of being there, and they would have followed him too. They agreed, but said I should have let him come anyway and just deal with it. I said that sounds like a good reason for me not to do that and we didn't talk much that night after that. Ida. Edit, I've baby-send. sat Connor before, even now I will watch him for a few hours if my brother has to do something. I don't watch him all day or overnight, though. It's not his fault and he is no way a bad kid. However, I had to set boundaries because my parents and brother, mostly his ex-wife, would take a

mile if you gave them an inch. They wanted my sister and I to stay local after high school so we could help with babysitting, and I was not about to do that. I did see both of them before I left, since I wanted to, but I did not apologize for wanting to eat my favorite spot and have it done my way for just one night. Whenever he, my brother, wants to have to dinner, we basically go to the same local spot because it's quiet and doesn't upset my nephew and it's his fixation when it comes to food. That's perfectly fine, and I go to those dinners, but for my dinner, I wanted it somewhere I enjoyed. Update 1. First, I wanted to thank everybody, positive or negative for giving feedback. Whether it good or bad, I did read every one of them, even the ones who called me an asshole. Totally

valid. While I did see my brother and Connor before I left, it was more of just playing with Connor and making small talk with my brother. I decided today to call my brother to try and get more info and smooth things out. We talked for about five minutes before I broached the subject. I told him I was sorry if it felt like I was being unnecessarily mean or exclusionary to Connor, but that I felt I had a right to decide how to celebrate the way I wanted to. He said he was sorry that he snapped the way he did, and looking back, he realized Connor would have had an awful time and it would have been a big waste of money for me. The place we went to was about $80 a person, $40 for Connor whether he ate or not.

He just really wanted him to be there too. I told him going forward, for things like my birthday, I would be more than happy to have lunch as a family with Connor at somewhere he likes so he can have a good time, then go to dinner at somewhere I want to eat at and I'd pay for a babysitter or his mom, my brother's ex, can watch him. He asked if Connor would be welcome at the dinner too, and I said I don't think so because I still plan to have KBBQ slash hot pot slash sushi slash fine dining and Connor doesn't do well in those environments light slash sound slash smell slash atmosphere. Which is why I brought up having lunch the day of slash beforehand so we can all celebrate and it be okay for him. But I was still standing

firm that for my birthday or something like another promotion, I wanted to go somewhere that I enjoyed without having to worry. I brought up also that when he took us out to lunch, was once a month before I moved, he picked or my parents picked and they always catered to Connor. I had no problems with that and attended almost all of them. This time, I wanted something for myself. He wasn't over the moon about it, but said it sounded good and thinks Connor would enjoy it too. He also looked into getting him sunglasses, as one of you suggested, for bright-slash-overly stimulating environments. He then had a question for me, which I knew was going to be asked at some point.

Now that I'm closer to home, he asked if I was going to be more involved as an uncle. I said yes, but not in the way he probably wants. I said I'd be more than happy to go over to his house and hang out with him, his wife and Connor and bring food he likes, as well as babysitting him once or twice a month so he and his wife could go see a movie or have dinner together. But I wasn't going to be an on-call babysitter like my parents are. Several times he's dropped Connor off at their house for a week-slash-weekend with little notice because he and his wife wanted to go on a spontaneous vacation. I told him that was not going to happen with me, especially since I'm the process of adopting a cat and he and Connor

are allergic. I wasn't allowed to have a cat while I lived in my parents' house, which was fine because it's their house and it wasn't fair to my brother and Connor who were over super often. So him getting dropped at my new place was out of the question. He thankfully didn't press the topic and said it's okay, mom and dad don't mind and that he missed hanging out with me and was happy that I could be around Conor Moore. So, everything worked out as well as I could have hoped. I'm excited move back home in a few weeks and thank you all again for the advice slash criticism. Update 2, May 25, 2025. Hi. Me again. Was hoping I wouldn't have to post here again, but well, life had other plans. I, 31M, moved back to L.A. from Texas for a new job. My parents live here, as does

does my brother, 40M, his wife, and my nephew Connor, 16. Connor is autistic, and while he's made a lot of progress since he was 10, still struggles with a lot of things. He is nonverbal, stims often, and frequently has meltdowns. My brother, his wife, his ex-wife, and my parents are the only ones really able to calm him down. I regularly watch him once or twice a month so my brother and his wife can go see a movie or hang out. I do not watch him overnight or for several days consecutively, and it's always at their house. After our argument last time, my brother and I have been on pretty good terms.

He hasn't really pushed boundaries about babysitting and we've mended our relationship quite a bit. However, something came up recently that has us on rocky terms. My brother recently got news that he was selected to attend a conference out of the country. The company is putting him up in a hotel for 10 days and while they won't pay for his wife to go, They have no problems if he pays her airfare and everything and occupies the room with him. I'm very happy my brother got this opportunity. The issue is child care. The conference happens to a line when my parents and sister are going to NYC for a week to celebrate my sister's birthday.

Nothing is refundable and my parents promised my sister this over a year ago they do this. His ex-wife, Connor's biological mother, will also be out of town for work. So that leaves me. When he called me up to explain everything and ask, I told him no. However, I listed reasons for why I wouldn't do it. One, I live about 90 minutes away. Distance-wise, not that far, but L.A. traffic makes a lot of things more difficult than they should be. I don't mind making the drive once or twice a month when I'm watching him, but I do not want to make it ten days in a row.

Connor cannot come to my place because I have a cat and he is allergic, as well as me having things around the house. house that are fragile. I do not WFH and Connor would still be in school, so I would have to likely put in PTO to do it logistically. Two, the longest I've watched Connor was about six hours. He had a meltdown near the end that I was unable to calm him down from, and it was only my brother and his wife getting back 20 minutes later that saved me. I cannot picture myself doing it for 10 days straight. Three, this one might sound really selfish, but I don't want to set a precedent. If I watch him overnight even once, I know my brother and his wife would push it on me again. I don't want that to be a thing. I'm happy with our arrangement of me watching him

a once or twice a month and hanging out with him with my brother and our parents. That being said, would not hesitate to watch him during an emergency. But that is a totally different story. I explained this all to him. He wasn't happy. He went off on me about how he thought me being back. would mean he could rely on me for this. I have said before, I am not an on-call babysitter, and his wife would really like to go on this trip. I said I'm sorry, but I'm not doing this. I said I would be happy to go and help her on the weekend he's not here and hang out with Connor, to give her a break, but I'm not going to risk my own mental health for 10 days and use eight days of PTO to watch him for a non-emergency. He had a few choice words for me and hung up.

He got my parents involved in the family group chat, and they surprisingly were on my side. They said it would be a really nice gesture if I did it, but reminded him that I've never watched Connor overnight and his wife doesn't have to go on this trip. He hasn't really talked to me since. I feel bad for his wife not being able to go, but I also don't trust myself to be able to handle Connor for 10 days. Ada Update 3, May 31, 2025. First, thank you to everyone who provided advice. I really appreciate it, and it helped know that I wasn't out of line.

I messaged my brother. I said he has two options. Either he and or his wife stay home and watch Connor or he works with the local agencies slash care facilities. I apologize if I'm not using the right terms, to get respite care for him for as long as they are gone and I check on him during the weekend. I would not be watching him, and I will not be watching him, and I will never be. not hear him out in regards to that. He called me and his wife got on the line and said that I know

how she feels about other people watching him overnight, and how his mom feels too, and she's never been to this location before and it's on her bucket list. I said I'm aware, and that I'm assuming in that case she'd be staying home with Connor and maybe she and my brother can take Connor there in the future. My brother tried to interject and I cut him off. Said I really don't care what he has to argue, I'm not here for it. As some of you suggested, I again pointed them towards local organizations and government entities dedicated to helping parents with children with special needs but didn't really get anywhere. I was really burnt out over everything. So I said good luck with the situation and hung up. I made a group chat with him and his wife

and told him that, going forward, I will be visiting them once or twice a month. Meaning, one of them has to be there when I'm there. I'm not watching Connor alone anymore. I feel like this is a good compromise, letting me still hang out with Connor and also not being a caretaker. I told them that, maybe in the future, we can work back towards what we had before. But not anytime soon. They both wrote back paragraphs on how they were sorry but they had no other choice and thought maybe I'd do it for them. That this could be like a second honeymoon for them, and to please keep watching him, him for a day or two a month. That they'd even pay me for it. I told them no amount of payment is worth it. It's not fair to me, it's not fair to Connor. He is not my son, he is theirs.

That they need to start working with agencies now, and get him accustomed to care and other people watching him. Because our parents are getting old and soon they won't be an option. My brother responded that he and his wife will start the process, and get his ex involved too, but if that doesn't work, what are they going to do? I told them that it's on them. I'll happily join them in researching organizations and benefits, but if they have an inkling in their head that I'm going to do for them what my parents do, they are out of their minds. His wife asked if I would consider getting training and learning how to care for Connor like they do, and I shot that down. I am more than happy to be the fun uncle that drops by and hangs out, but I value my independence

and I won't let that be compromised. Both of them eventually just gave me me thumbs-up emojis. His wife said she was going to stay home with Connor and not go on the trip, and said they'd see me in two weeks to have a hangout. We'll see what happens then, but at the very least, I'm not on the hook for watching him and someone that can calm him is. I will do my best to keep pushing them to expand their circle and seek out other options and programs that help them with Connor, as I think that would greatly benefit the quality of life of all of them and prevent a situation like this from ever coming up again. Next story, work best friend helped me every day and stayed late to support me, then he confessed he had feelings for me since

day one, but I accidentally rejected his offer. So I, 25F, just moved to this city and was honestly really grateful to have found a friend. My co-worker, 29M, and I started getting close and he became my work best friend, having lunch and breaks together. Then eventually he started offering for me to come along to concerts, movies, etc., with his friends and the whole time it was quite friendly like I never got the vibe he was interested. We would even ride together sometimes and started going for runs together. We started sending each other reels or videos and just staying in touch throughout the day. Then he started coming over to my place because we started watching White Lotus together since we both liked it before so we thought, oh, let's watch it together. But throughout all this

he never alluded to anything romantic. Never touched me or flirted. Introduced me to other people saying, here's my friend. For my job, I often have to stay late to set things up for the next day. He started gradually offering more and more to stay and help me even though our other co-workers would go for drinks. So he would leave himself out of things to help me. That's when I started getting the vibe. At some point I even broke down to him about how hard moving away from my family was for me. I told him how guilty I felt leaving my parents and missing valuable time with them and also how guilty I was about leaving my 11-year-old sister and missing milestones. I'm the oldest sister if you couldn't tell LOL.

He was so understanding and really talked me through it and helped me. Then one day he was helping me set up a conference room and I said, why are you doing this? Like you are in no way obligated to do this, it has nothing to do with your job at all. He then kind of started opening the floodgates and said, well, when you like someone, you do things for them. And I was like what? What do you mean? And he said, well, in case you couldn't tell I have feelings for you.

And I was like baffled. I asked him since when. He said, well, I liked you from the moment I saw you. Which puzzled me even more like why not just ask me out from the start. And he said, I guess I just wanted to get to know you first. Anyway, then he said, well, do you want to go on a real date? And I kind of freaked out. My fear of commitment kicked in and I just reactively declined the date and said,

I don't think that's a good idea. I got really scared and anxious I've always fled when something is about to become real. Then he just shut down and it was awkward and silent until we left. Well, biggest regret because ever since then he hasn't engaged with me. It's been two days and he's avoiding me hard. No text, no eye contact. I couldn't even find him at lunch. When I finally went up to him and said, what about the date? He said, never mind, don't worry about it and walked away. Did I miss my shot? Would he want me to push more about it? Because now that I've processed it and thought about what we could be, I'm into it. Well, if I'm being honest, I always thought he was a great guy and exactly what I needed because he is the more chill, soft-spoken type,

and I love that because I grew up with a very fiery dad with an extremely short fuse, so I always dreamed of finding someone who is more on my wavelength. I mean, there's a reason why we worked so well as friends, but I just didn't really think he would see me like that like I didn't even let myself go there. I think I heard his feelings by rejecting his date off or even though I didn't mean to. Do I still have a chance to fix this or does it seem like I've put him off being with me? Update, May 26, 2025. First of all, thanks everyone for the great advice I really appreciated. Well, the most common advice I got was to go and be honest and plan a date for him. So I wanted to do that, but in a more intimate setting so I was feeling bold and got his favorite, Wingstop.

and went to his apartment and just knocked. I would pay to have footage of the look on his face because he was so taken aback, L-O-L. Anyway, I said, do you mind if I come in? He was a bit hesitant, but he said yes, then we sat and I explained everything that I said in this post. How I just freaked out because I was taken aback and also scared. Scared about anchoring myself to a place away from my family,

scared to lose my only friend, scared that the idea of having me would end up being better than actually having me. I told him that after having time to process the idea I am very much into it and see all the ways we are great for each other. I told him how grateful I was for everything he has done for me. And that if I reacted negatively it had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. So when I finished my speech he apologized, this man is too good for me. He was like, okay, I'm also sorry I didn't mean to ice you out, I was just disappointed and needed a little time and I would have eventually started speaking to you again like I would still rather be your friend than not. And that was a big relief because I saw comments of people saying, well, if he was

just hanging out with you to get in your pants, then he's not your friend or he's immature act. Well, he proved that he's not and that he's great actually smile. Another thing is people said, well, if you didn't like him romantically at all, then you should just leave him alone or you just miss the attention. I genuinely just didn't even entertain the idea because the nature of our relationship was so platonic. In my brain I was just like, well, we're just friends if he was interested he would have said so or shown it, flirted, or been more tactile. I just accepted that as the reality so him saying he actually did like me was a complete surprise. Anyway, so we have officially decided to give it a go. We had a pretty deep convo about where we see our lives going

and it's very much in alignment with each other. I'm super happy but still fearful, I admit, but I just keep telling myself that if I don't try I'll regret it. I still have a date that I'm planning involving all of his favorite things that I'm working on in my back pocket because I still feel like I have some making up to do. Oh, and we ended up kissing and it was great smile.