Reddit Stories - Emotional Reddit Confessions Stories for Bedtime ( Over 9 Hour Compilation ) - Episode #95

Episode Date: January 25, 2026

#redditstories #askreddit #aita #confessions #bedtime #storytime #emotional #podcast  Summary: Episode 95 features emotional Reddit confessions perfect for bedtime listening. With over an hour of heartfelt stories, it explores the complexities of human experiences, offering insights and reflections that resonate deeply. Ideal for those seeking comfort and connection through shared narratives, this episode is a must-listen for story enthusiasts.  Tags: redditstories, askreddit, reddit, aita, tifu, emotionalstories, bedtimepodcast, storytelling, confessions, heartwarming, podcasting, lifeadvice, personalstories, relatablecontent, humanexperience, narrative, introspection, community, connection, entertainmentBecome a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/reddit-stories--6816713/support.This episode includes AI-generated content.

I hope you enjoy this story. Lady reached out to me alleging to be my covert sibling from my father's scandal, requested a share of my $400,000 legacy with genetic proof and correspondences demonstrating our father had been providing for us. Her mother, the affair partner, and her for years. My 35M father passed away about six months ago. In his will, he left me his house and a small business that he owned, which altogether are worth around $400,000.

As far as I knew all my life, I was Dad's only child. My parents divorced about 20 years ago, when I was a teenager, because my father had an affair. Dad never gave me many details, and I certainly had no idea there was a child involved. After the divorce, I lived with my mom but still saw Dad regularly. Our relationship was strained for a while, but we eventually patched things up and stayed close. Fast forward to now, a few weeks ago, I was contacted by a woman who claims to be my half-sister from that long ago affair. I'll call her Anna, not her real name, she's 26F. She reached out to me completely out of the blue via a letter first, and then we spoke on the phone. As you can imagine,

I was completely blindsided. I literally had no idea she existed. In her letter, Anna included photocopies of old letters my dad had written to her mother, the woman he had the affair with. Those letters, dated over two decades ago, have my father's handwriting and even reference a baby girl by name. There's also a line where dad explicitly acknowledged he was the father. In addition, Anna said she is DNA proof. Apparently she managed to do some kind of DNA test through a genealogy service and found a match with a relative on our side. She offered to do a sibling DNA test with me as well if I wanted. So she came prepared with evidence, and it's hard not to believe her at this point. When we spoke on the phone, Anna was polite and a bit nervous.

She told me that my father had been sending some money to her and her mother over the years, which helped them a little, but he never fully made up for not being in her life openly. According to her, during the last year of his life, Dad promised her he was going to make things right and take care of her financially, presumably by including her in his will or giving her something significant. Unfortunately, he passed away before any will changes happened. As it stands, the will he left behind didn't mention her at all, and everything went to me. Now Anna is asking me to honor what she says was my father's intent by giving her roughly half of what I inherited. She specifically mentions splitting the inheritance 50 to 50, basically giving her around

$200,000 or perhaps joint ownership of the house and business. Together I estimate around $400,000 in value. She has two young kids and is struggling financially. From what I gather, she's also taking care of her elderly mother, her mom is in poor health, though I don't know the full details yet. Anna emphasized that it's what he would have wanted and that dad had told her as much shortly before he died. I told her I needed time to think, but honestly my initial reaction was not. know, I'm not comfortable with that. At the time of our call, I was still reeling from the idea that my dad had a secret daughter for 26 years that I never knew about. I wasn't exactly feeling charitable or trusting in that first conversation. I didn't yell at her or anything.

I mostly just listened in shock and probably came off as pretty cold when I did respond. I basically said I wasn't prepared to make that kind of decision and ended the call rather quickly. She sounded upset when the call ended, I could hear her trying to keep it together, which made me feel bad, but I was also angry and confused at being put in this situation out of nowhere. Legally, I know I have no obligation to give her anything. Dad's will was clear and everything was left to me. But morally, I'm honestly not sure. Part of me does feel for her because it's not her fault she was born for my dad's affair. I imagine she and her mom probably had a tough time, and if Dad really did promise to help her, then her situation now is pretty awful.

On the other hand, I feel a bit resentful that my father never told me about this at all and now I'm left to deal with the fallout of his secrets. It's like he swept it under the rug and now it's landed on my doorstep. Also, splitting the inheritance in half is not a small thing for me. The inheritance isn't just a pile of cash, it's a house and a business. To give her half, I'd likely have to sell the house or the business, or take out a massive loan, to come up with that kind of money. I've been planning on keeping my dad's business running, it's actually my current job and source of income, and the house has a ton of sentimental value to me. It's the home I grew up in. These assets are basically tied into my life now. Handing over half of it would seriously

affect my financial stability and future plans. I haven't mentioned any of this to my mom yet. Bringing up the fact that Dad had an affair, baby would be opening a can of worms that's been closed for decades. From my mom's perspective, that chapter of her life is over and I'm reluctant to drag her into this unless I absolutely have to. Anyway, I haven't given Anna any answer yet besides telling her I needed time. She has been polite and not pushy in our limited interactions, but she did send a follow-up email explaining her circumstances in more detail and reiterating that she believes splitting things is the right thing to do.

She said she isn't trying to be greedy, but she feels like dad intended for us to be treated equally and she just wants what's fair for her family. I've been going back and forth on this. I'm currently leaning towards not splitting it 50 to 50 as she asked, at least not in that exact way. Maybe there's some middle ground, like giving her a smaller amount or some kind of trust for her kids, I don't know. But I worry that if I offer something less than half, she'll feel cheated or it could turn into more conflict. As of now, I feel like no matter what I do, someone's going to end up upset. I'm just trying to figure out what's right, or least wrong, here. So, am I the asshole for refusing to split my inheritance with a half-sister I literally just

found out exists? Update 1, it's been a few days since I posted, and I've read through a lot of the comments and messages. I appreciate the input. The general sentiment was mixed, But a lot of people suggested that I verify everything, DNA, my dad's involvement, etc., before making any big decisions. That made sense to me. I realized I needed more certainty about Anna's claim and my dad's intentions, so I decided to take action on a couple of fronts. Paternity confirmation, I took Anna up on her offer to do a DNA test. We arranged to do a sibling DNA test through a reputable lab. Because we live in the same state, only about an hour's drive apart, it turns out, we actually met up briefly at the lab to submit our samples.

That meeting was awkward, to say the least. We didn't talk much beyond a polite hello and maybe a nervous laugh. Both of us were pretty on edge. It's not every day you take a DNA test to confirm you have a secret sister. The test results were supposed to take about a week, but we paid extra to extra to extra. expedite them. While waiting for the DNA results, I also started digging into my dad's financial records to see if I could substantiate what Anna told me about him sending money over the years. Since I'm the executor of his estate, I have access to his old bank statements and paperwork.

I hadn't closely reviewed all his transactions from long before his death. At the time I was mostly focused on closing accounts and handling immediate bills, but now I went back quite a ways. Sure enough, I found a pattern. of regular payments that started around 25 years ago and continued up until maybe a year before he died. The payments were often quarterly and some were marked with the name of Anna's mother. It looks like Dad was sending a few hundred dollars every month or so to her, likely to help with expenses for Anna. It wasn't a huge amount at a time, just a few hundred dollars a month on average, but over two decades it added up. The last payment I could find was from a bit

over a year ago, which aligns with when dad's health really started declining. He had been battling cancer in his final year, so I suspect when he got very sick, the financial support stopped simply because he wasn't able to manage things anymore. Anyway, the DNA test results came back yesterday. The lab emailed us the report, and it confirmed with 99.9% probability that Anna and I share one parent. Given our ages and all the evidence, it's obviously my father. So, it's official, she is my half-sister. I can't say I was surprised at this point, but seeing it in black and white still made my head spin a bit. I had to sit down and just absorb it for a minute.

I called Anna after I saw the results. She had already seen them too. She almost immediately asked, softly, so, you believe me now? I told her yes, I do. I also apologized for being so cold during our initial conversation. She actually apologized in return for dropping this on me out of nowhere. The call was cordial, even friendly, but we didn't get into the heavy stuff yet, like the inheritance, beyond that.

I simply told her that I had been looking into things and I'd get back to her soon once I sorted through everything I found. She was understanding and thanked me for taking the time to verify the truth. So that's where things stand after this first update. I have confirmed without a doubt that Anna is my half-sister, and I've uncovered clear evidence that my dad had been quietly supporting her and her mom financially for years. This gives a lot more context to the whole situation. I haven't made a decision about the inheritance yet,

but I'm definitely considering all of this new information. I'm going to keep thinking it over and maybe get some professional advice before I figure out my next move. I'll update again when I have more to share. Update 2, it's been about another week since my last update. During this time, I've had more conversations with Anna and learned a lot more about her life and our father's involvement. I decided that after confirming she's indeed my half-sister, the next step was to really talk things out face to face. We agreed to meet at her home, mainly because she has her hands full with her kids and her mother and can't easily travel

or meet in a public place. I offered to come to her, and she accepted. Yesterday, I drove out to Anna's place. She lives about an hour away in a small two-bedroom rental. The neighborhood was OK, not dangerous, or anything, but it's definitely a modest, lower-income area. When I arrived, she welcomed me in and we sat in her tiny living room. Her kids were in the next room, her older one, around six,

was engrossed in cartoons, and the younger toddler was napping. Her mother, let's call her Beth, was resting in a bedroom, so we had a bit of quiet to talk. This was the first time I really saw Anna in person for more than a few minutes, and I have to admit, I could see a bit of our dad in her face, especially around the eyes. That was surreal to notice. But anyway, onto the conversation. Anna essentially told me the whole story of her life and how my father fit into it. Her mom Beth and my dad did an affair back in the day. When Beth became pregnant with Anna, my dad freaked out initially, understandably, since he had a wife and a teenage son, me, at home. According to Anna, her mom

made it clear she didn't expect anything from him personally, but she did want to keep the baby. My father eventually agreed to quietly support them financially, but it was kept secret. Beth never married and never had other kids. She basically raised Anna on her own. Money was always tight for them. Dad's monthly checks helped, but it was just enough to cover some basics. He wasn't involved in Anna's day-to-day life. In fact, for most of her childhood, Anna didn't even meet him in person. She knew of him, her mom told her who her father was when she was old enough to understand, but also explained that he had another family and couldn't be in her life openly. Pretty heartbreaking situation if you ask apparently, Dad and Beth maintained some correspondence.

Beth would send him occasional letters or pictures, like school photos of Anna growing up. Sometimes Anna drew pictures or wrote little letters to Dad as a kid, which her mom never sent, but kept. My father did send Anna a few birthday and Christmas cards over the years, but always covertly. Anna actually had a small box of these letters and cards that she showed me. Reading through a couple of those was intense. I recognized Dad's handwriting immediately, seeing happy 10th birthday and my dad's writing address to a sister I never even knew existed hit me hard. As Anna reached adulthood, she had a bit more direct interaction with our father, though still infrequent. She said the first time she ever actually met him in person was when she was about 18.

They met for coffee and he apologized to her for not being there as a father. She described it as a bittersweet meeting. She was happy to finally talk to him face to face, but it was also awkward and emotionally charged. After that, they only saw each other a few more times over the years. They did speak on the phone occasionally, especially as my dad got older. When my dad was diagnosed with cancer about two years ago, it seems he reached out to Anna more often. He knew time might be running short, and I think he was wrestling with a lot of guilt.

About a year ago, when his health took a serious downturn, he told Anna and her mom that he was going to take care of them financially, that he wanted to make it right. Anna said he explicitly mentioned revising his will or setting up something to provide for her and Beth. Unfortunately, as we know, he never got the chance to follow through. Now, about Anna's current situation. Her mom Beth is in her late 60s and has advanced dementia. It's progressed rapidly in the past couple of years. Beth requires full-time care and supervision.

Anna is essentially her caregiver, on top of raising two little kids. She does some freelance work from home, bookkeeping and data entry, she said, to earn a bit of income, but she can't handle a full-time job with everything on her plate. She's a single mom, the father of her kids is not in the picture aside from a little bit of child support that barely makes a dent. My father's financial help was apparently going towards a part-time in-home care aid for Beth and other related expenses. When that support stopped as dad got really ill, Anna had to cut back the AIDS hours to save money.

That means Anna herself has been doing even more of the hands-on care for her mom, which of course limits her ability to work and earn money. It's a vicious cycle and she's been struggling not to drown in it. Hearing all this laid out, I really felt for her. I won't lie, sitting there in her small apartment, seeing the kids' toys around, hearing her voice quiver when she talked about her mom's condition. It hit me that her life has been pretty rough lately. She's basically carrying a burden that many people would struggle with even with financial resources, let alone doing it on a shoestring budget. We eventually circled back to the topic of the inheritance and what she had asked of me.

I explained to her openly how I felt and what my concerns were. I told her about my reservations, that the inheritance is tied up in a house and business that I'm actively involved with, and that giving up half would be really hard for me. I also was honest that I had some lingering resentment at Dad for putting us in this position. To my relief, she was very understanding about all that. She admitted that she's also angry at our father to a degree. She said she never wanted this to become a nasty fight or anything. In her mind, she only asked for the 50 to 50 split because she truly believed that's what

dad intended, and she didn't know what else to do but to come to me and ask. She also made a point to say she doesn't want to derail my life. life. She knows it's not my fault that all this was kept secret from me. Hearing her say that meant a lot, because one of my fears was that she might view me as just the obstacle standing between her and what she was owed. But she clearly doesn't see it that way. She seems to genuinely want an amicable resolution. By the end of this talk, I think we both had a much better understanding of each other. There were some tears, on her side, and I'll admit my eyes weren't exactly dry either at a couple points. But there was also relief. I could see that she's not some greedy opportunist,

she's a person who got dealt a tough hand and is trying to look out for her family, and honor what she thought was our dad's promise. And from my side, she got to see that I'm not just a selfish jerk who's hoarding everything, I'm someone who was blindsided by all this and trying to make a fair decision. When I left, I told her I still hadn't made a final decision, but I was seriously considering everything and would let her know soon. I also mentioned I was going to speak with my father's lawyer, the one who drew up his will, because I had a hunch there might be some clues there about what dad wanted to do. She thought that made sense.

We parted with a bit of an awkward hug, it was a gentle, friendly hug, we're still practically strangers, but it felt like the right gesture as we said goodbye. She even said, regardless of how the inheritance stuff turns out, she hopes we can stay in contact and maybe, eventually, be a part of each other's lives in some way. I told her I'm open to that. It was weird saying that, but also kind of nice. I don't know what the future holds in that regard, one step at a time, I guess. So, that's where things are.

I have a much clearer picture of Anna's situation and my dad's involvement. The big thing left for me was to confirm my father's intentions through his lawyer, if possible. I'll share what I find in the next update. Update 3, I wanted to provide an update after speaking with my father's lawyer, which I finally did. It took some coordination because the lawyer, let's call him Mr. L, was out of town, but we managed to meet two days ago. Mr. L. has known my dad for ages and was the one who drafted Dad's most recent will, the one that left everything to me. I explained the whole situation to him, that I discovered I have a half-sister and that she told me Dad intended to include her in his will.

I asked if Dad ever came to him to revise the will or set up any provisions that I wasn't aware of. As soon as I brought this up, Mr. L nodded, like he knew what I was getting at. According to him, about 11 months before my dad passed, Dad did indeed contact him wanting to make some changes to his estate plan. In that meeting, my father confided that he had an estranged daughter from years ago that he wanted to provide for. Mr. L actually drafted a new will for my dad that included a trust or fund for Anna, and a smaller provision for Anna's mother, Beth. The plan, Mr. L told me, was to allocate a certain amount of money or assets to this trust so that Anna and her mom would be taken care of, while the rest of the estate, house, business, etc.,

would still go to me. I pressed for specifics, and he said the amount my dad was looking at was around $100,000 for the trust. However that new will was never signed. Mr. L. said my dad reviewed the draft, said it looked good, but then he fell very ill shortly after, went into the hospital. Things were very chaotic with treatments at that time. Dad likely thought he'd have more time to handle it, but he didn't. He got sicker, and the Will update just never got finalized. So when he died, the only legally binding document was the old will leaving everything to me.

I asked Mr. L why my dad didn't sign it immediately if he was sure about it. Mr. L shrugged and said something like, he was hesitant about the timing. I think he wasn't ready to stir up potential family drama until he felt it was absolutely necessary. And then his health took a turn for the worse. I suspect he just ran out of time. That sounds about right, Dad probably procrastinated and then fate had other plans. I thanked Mr. L. for being candid with me. He actually expressed relief that I was asking about it, because he knew Dad wanted it done,

but as a lawyer he couldn't exactly go tell me or anyone after Dad died, attorney-client confidentiality and all. He had been in a tough spot seeing things unfold with the will reading and knowing there was this ensigned intent, but he couldn't intervene. We talked a bit about my options. Legally, I hold all the cards, the will-in-effect leaves everything to me. Anna, not being a named heir and not being legally acknowledged as a child in any official capacity, doesn't have much standing to challenge that in court, especially since the updated will was never signed. Mr. L. did mention that if I wanted to honor dad's intent, I could voluntarily give something to Anna.

He said this kind of situation often ends in a family settlement outside of court, if the parties are reasonable with each other. He also gave me some advice, if I do decide to give her a significant gift, I might want to get an agreement in writing so that it's clear this is a good faith gesture and not an admission of any legal obligation. That would just protect me from any possible future misunderstanding. I don't honestly think Anna would ever sue me or anything, but I understood why he suggested that, just dotting eyes and crossing T's. I left the lawyer's office with a lot to process, but also a sense of clarity about what I needed to do. I knew now that Dad truly wanted to help Anna and would have done so if he'd had more time. At the same time, I have to balance that with what's practical and fair for me, since I'm basically the one in charge now.

The number $100,000 that my father was considering kept coming back to me. That's a substantial amount, but it's also not half the estate. It's more like a quarter of it. It made me think that maybe Dad wasn't necessarily going to do an even 50 to 50-50 split, but rather give her a chunk that he felt would take care of her needs. I've been weighing how to move forward. I've pretty much made up my mind at this point. I'm going to take a day or two more just to be sure,

and then I plan to talk to Anna about what I'm going to do. I'll post the final update after that conversation happens. Update 4. Final, here's the final update to wrap this up. I met with Anna one last time to discuss what I've decided. After a lot of thought, I've decided not to split the inheritance 50 to 50 with Anna, but I'm going to give her a significant one-time gift of money. Specifically, I'm going to give her $95,000 out of my own pocket. I arrived at that number by considering a few things.

What I could reasonably afford without selling off major assets, what might actually help her in a meaningful way right now, and the fact that my dad had been considering giving her around $100,000 eventually. I figured $95,000 is a solid amount that can alleviate her immediate burdens, and maybe then some, even if it's not the full sum she initially hoped for. To make sure everything was done properly, I arranged to meet Anna at a lawyer's office. I got my own lawyer involved to help draft the agreement and facilitate the transfer. When we sat down, I calmly explained to her that I had verified all of her claims and even found out about the draft will. I told her I fully acknowledged that she is my father's daughter and that dad did intend to provide for her. I also said that I have to be honest about my own situation, that handing over half the estate would be

extremely difficult for me to do. However, I wanted to do something to honor dad's intent and to help her and her family. So I let her know I was prepared to give her $95,000 as a one-time gift. I emphasized that this was my way of doing right by dad's memory and helping her out, even though it wasn't the full half share. I was a bit nervous telling her the figure, not knowing how she'd react. Anna just sort of stared for a moment, and I couldn't read her face. Then her eyes welled up and she said, thank you. I mean, thank you so much.

She got a little emotional, and honestly, I was a bit emotional too, though I tried to keep my composure. She told me she had been bracing herself for the possibility that I'd say I wasn't going to give her anything at all. $95,000, she said, would help her more than I could imagine. She mentioned it could ensure her mom gets the care she needs for the foreseeable future, and it would give her some breathing room financially to maybe get on better footing. I can't express how relieved I felt hearing her say that. I realized I'd been half expecting her to be upset or argue that $95,000 wasn't enough, but there was none of that, just genuine gratitude and relief on her part. My lawyer drafted a simple agreement for us to sign. It basically says that I'm giving this money to Anna of my own

free will, and that she accepts it as a fair resolution of any expectations from the estate. It's just to prevent any future misunderstandings. She was completely fine with signing that, she wasn't looking for any loopholes or anything, so it was just a formality. After all the paperwork was handled, we stood up and Anna gave me a hug, a real, tight hug this time. She was crying as she told me I had no idea how much this would help them and how grateful she was. I hugged her back and told her I hope it truly makes things easier and that I think Dad would approve of how we handled it. We parted on really good terms. There was a brief, slightly awkward moment where we weren't sure how to say goodbye, like, are we going to stay in touch now beyond this?

I suggested that we should keep in contact, since we're family after all, even if this is all new and weird. She smiled and agreed. We didn't make specific plans or anything, but I have her number and email, and I told her to let me know how things go with her mom and everything. I'm open to getting to know her and my nieces slash nephews, better over time, but we're both aware that it'll be a gradual process. So that's the end of it. A few weeks ago I was wondering if I was an asshole, now I feel like this was never about assholes at all, just a complicated family situation. I'm glad we found a compromise that feels fair. Thank you to everyone who gave me perspective and advice.

It honestly helped me take the right steps. I hope you enjoy this story. Mill stated her intention to visit for a month after my delivery to assist with the newborn, but she unexpectedly brought along her sibling without prior consultation and invited friends over, then tried to stop me from feeding my own child. Hi everyone, I'm a 29-year-old woman and I'm currently 38 weeks pregnant. with our first baby. My due date is in about two weeks. My husband, 32M, and I are excited and also nervous as first-time parents. We've been preparing the nursery, freezing some meals,

and getting everything ready for when our little one arrives. Out of the blue, I got a call from my mother-in-law, M.I.L. A few days ago. She was very excited on the phone. She said she's managed to get a month off work and, surprise, she already booked flights to come stay with us for a month right after the baby is born. In fact, she planned to arrive just three days after my due date. She didn't ask if this timing was okay or if we even wanted help. She just announced it like it's the greatest idea ever. She called it her special baby moon vacation to meet her grandchild. I was caught completely off guard. I literally said, oh, you already booked. You already tickets. She confirmed and said something like, of course, I want to be there to help with my grandbaby.

I know you'll meet an extra pair of hands. She was talking a mile a minute about how she can't wait to have a whole month of baby cuddles. It was all framed as her doing us a favor by coming to help with the new baby. Here's the thing. I have serious doubts about how helpful this surprise visit will be. My MIL has never been the hands-on type with babies. She hasn't changed. a diaper since my husband was little, which was over 30 years ago. She openly admits she's not into the gross parts of baby care. When my husband was a baby, she had a nanny doing most of the hard work. So forgive me if I'm skeptical about her swooping in to be my postpartum helper. On top of that, whenever M.I.L. Has visited us in the past, we've been married four years, together six,

she's always treated our home like a hotel. She means well, but she accepts. expects to be treated like a guest, and not just a casual guest, like a VIP guest. I'm talking expecting cooked meals, fresh towels, her son, my husband, chauffeering her around to go shopping or sightseeing, and so on. She has a bit of a I'm on vacation mindset whenever she visits. For example, last time she was here, not related to a baby, just a normal visit, she literally handed me her laundry on day two and asked if I could wash and fold her clothes because you're doing laundry anyway, dear, and I have a few things that need a gentle cycle. She wasn't being malicious, but it was pretty presumptuous.

She also had my husband cooking her breakfasts. She's just that kind of houseguest, the kind that somehow creates more work for the hosts. So now imagine that, but this time I'll have a newborn and will be recovering from childbirth. The idea of hosting someone like that, even if she's family, three days postpartum is stressing me out beyond belief. I was kind of speechless on the phone. I think I mumbled something like, oh, wow, three days after. That's soon. But she didn't pick up on my tone at all.

She just kept saying how this is going to be great and she'll be such a big help, and how excited she is to spend time with a baby. I tried to hint gently that we might want a little time to ourselves first. I said, we might be really tired and trying to get the hang of things in those first days. Her response was exactly. That's why you need me there. Don't worry. I'll take care of you. You just focus on the baby.

But based on past experience, I have no confidence she will actually take care of me or any household stuff. She's more likely envisioning cuddling the baby 24-7 while I play hostess. For instance, she mentioned I can cook a few dinners for you, except she's not really much of a cook. When she visits, she usually ends up ordering takeout or just waiting for us to make something. I don't want to rely on her for cooking or chores, especially if she's not actually inclined to do them. I can easily picture her coming into our home expecting it to be a relaxing baby vacation for herself, while I'll be sleep deprived, recovering, and still feeling like I have to entertain her or keep the house presentable. Another layer to this, my husband doesn't see the problem. When I told him about his

mom's plan, he basically shrugged and said, ah, that's nice of mom. She just wants to be involved and help out. It'll be fine. He's pretty close with his mom and I get that he's happy she's excited to meet her grandchild. But he's not the one who will be bleeding, sore, and exhausted with his boobs out. I plan to breastfeed in the immediate days after birth. He'll also only get maybe a week off work, if that's so after a few days, he might not even be home much during her visit. I'll be the one alone with her all day. I tried explaining that having house guests so soon after giving birth is not ideal. I said I'm not comfortable with someone, even family, staying in our house that because I'll be recovering and will be overwhelmed.

He responded with something like, but it's my mom, not a stranger. She just wants to help, babe. She raised me, I think she knows a thing or two. He sort of made me feel like I'm overreacting and being ungrateful. It's frustrating because he's normally a reasonable guy, but when it comes to his mom, he has a blind spot. He truly thinks she's going to come and be super grandma helper.

Meanwhile, I'm picturing myself having to cook for her and clean up after her while also learning to care for a newborn and hardly getting any sleep. The stress is making me want to cry. Actually, I did cry after that conversation with him, damn pregnancy hormones. I haven't even had a chance to talk to my mill directly about any boundaries or logistics. She kind of steamrolled us with the announcement, and my husband's reaction made it clear he's not going to push back. I feel like if I try to tell her maybe come a bit later or stay for a shorter time or get a hotel, I'll be painted as the bad guy who doesn't appreciate her. She's already bought plain tickets, apparently non-refundable. She made a point to mention that detail. So if I object

now, I'm sure I'll be made to feel guilty for making her waste money. Right now I'm really torn. It's kind of common. Maybe she will surprise me and actually help. But my gut says she's treating this like a fun little vacation to play with the baby and have me do the grunt work. So Reddit, am I being unreasonable to be upset about this? Would I be the asshole if I told my mill to postpone or cancel her month of baby moon at our house? I haven't confronted her or my husband beyond a few comments, but I'm really not okay with this situation as it stands. I could really use an outside perspective. Should I just suck it up and let her come because she's excited and means what?

well, or is it fair for me to want those first couple of weeks just for us? Or at least to have a say in visitors. Update 1. First, thank you so much for all the feedback on my original post. It was validating to see that most people understood why I was upset. The consensus was that I wasn't overreacting, which gave me a bit more confidence to stand my ground, at least in theory. Anyway, on to the update, I had my baby. Our little boy arrived right on top. We're in time, almost exactly on his due date. We were over the moon and exhausted. Unfortunately, my concerns about my Mill's visit turned out to be completely justified. She showed up as planned three days after I gave birth, and she brought her sister, my husband's aunt, with her,

without asking us. So instead of one house guest, I suddenly had two extra people in my home while I was recovering from childbirth. When Mill and Aunt Linda arrived, I was about 72 hours postpartum. To paint a picture, I was wearing an adult diaper, sore and sleep deprived, and basically running on fumes. They came bursting and eager to see the baby. Mill immediately took the baby into her arms for cuddles. I was polite and let the excitement happen, but internally I was already anxious about how this would go. It became clear within the first day that Mill and her sister viewed this as a vacation rather than a mission to help me. For example, on their first morning here, Mill woke up expecting a big breakfast.

She actually rummaged around in my kitchen looking for pans and made a comment about how she thought I was going to cook something nice like last time. I was in no shape to cook anything, I could barely shuffle to the kitchen. I basically told her I wasn't up for cooking, and she and her sister ended up going out to a cafe for breakfast. That was just a preview of how things would be. They absolutely love holding and cuddling the baby and taking a million photos of him for social media, without really asking me, by the way. But when it comes to any actual work or

helpfulness? Not so much. Here's a rundown of what's been happening. Baby care, neither Mill nor Aunt Linda offers to change diapers or deal with fussiness. If the baby starts crying and likely needs a diaper change, they hand them off to me immediately. I even asked Mill once to please change them, the diapers and wipes were right there, and she refused, saying, oh no, I haven't changed a diaper in decades. I'd probably do it wrong. So that was that. Household chores, they haven't helped with any cleaning. Dishes piled up in the sink until I finally ran the dishwasher at 2 a.m. one night because we were out of clean bowls. As for laundry, they actually handed me their dirty clothes on day three and asked if I could throw them in with

the baby's laundry I was doing. In my haze, I did it, then later kicked myself for washing. houseguests clothes when I could barely keep up with my own. Hotel treatment. Mill expects fresh towels and linens every day. She goes through a clean towel each morning, so I've been laundering towels constantly. Our linen closet is now empty because every spare towel is in use. Aunt Linda at least reuses her towel for a couple of days, but Mill acts like we're a hotel with unlimited laundry service. Meals and food. They mostly fended for them, with takeout or going out, which is fine, but Mill still commented on our food.

If we ordered pizza two nights in a row, she'd say, we really should be eating something healthier, like a nice home-cooked meal, without offering to cook anything herself. She also clucked at me for just snacking instead of eating full meals, saying I need to eat better since I'm breastfeeding, again, not actually helping by cooking or preparing any food for me. Speaking of breastfeeding, Mill has been hovering and offering a lot of unwanted there too. Whenever I nurse my son, she seems to find something to critique. She'll peer over my shoulder and say things like, he doesn't look comfortable, maybe you should hold him differently, or he's still acting hungry, maybe he isn't getting enough. It's extremely aggravating,

especially because I'm still learning and fragile and her comments just make me more self-conscious. I've started going to my bedroom and closing the door to breastfeed so she can't hover or comment. The worst part is that my husband hasn't witnessed the full extent of how they are behaving. He had to go back to work a week after the baby was born, so during the day it's just me alone with Mill and her sister. When he comes home, Mill turns on the sweet act. She'll say things like, we had a great day. I gave the baby a nice bath and we got lots of cute photos. And I told, me, to go take a nap, didn't I, honey?

For the record, she told me to nap again. exactly once, and I couldn't even sleep because the baby needed feeding shortly after. She might wash a single dish or fold one burp cloth in front of him to look helpful. My husband got the impression that things were going okay. He even said, see, isn't it nice to have mom here? I just bit my tongue because I was too exhausted to even begin explaining again. I have tried to tell him some of what's going on. I mentioned that his mom and aunt haven't really been cleaning or cooking.

He responded, well, did you ask them to? Maybe they don't know what you need done. But that's the whole point. I shouldn't have to manage our guests by assigning them chores. They came claiming they'd help, then they watched me do it all. By the second week of this, I was absolutely exhausted and emotionally frayed. I was still in pain, bleeding, and trying to take care of a newborn on basically no sleep. On top of that, I felt like a maid and hostess to two of women.

oblivious houseguests. I started quietly breaking down at times, like I'd find myself crying while rocking the baby at 3 a.m., just out of sheer frustration and fatigue. I knew something had to give. I told my husband that this situation wasn't sustainable and that I was at my limit. At first he didn't really get it, saying, they're just excited to be here. It's only for a short time. But I made it clear that if things didn't improve, we would have a serious problem. I even said maybe they should leave earlier than planned because I really needed some peace. He seemed taken aback by that, but it did plant a seed that I was truly not okay. So yeah, that's how the first two weeks have been. I wish I had that blissful, restful postpartum period that some people talk about, but instead I'm

dealing with what feels like a never-ending hosting gig. I haven't had the energy or nerve to directly confront my Mill yet, beyond small hints, but if this continues, I might explode. I'll update again soon, hopefully with a resolution, or at least an end date for this baby moon visit. Right now I'm just taking it day by day. Update two, another week went by, and unfortunately things managed to get even more out of hand. At around three weeks postpartum, my mill and Aunt Linda were still at our house. They had intended to stay about a month, but their departure date was looming. That's when a new issue arose. Without asking me, Aunt Linda invited a couple of her local friends over to our house to meet the baby.

I found out the morning of, when Mill casually mentioned, oh, some friends are coming by around noon to see the baby. They live around here I was immediately uncomfortable. I was still a wreck, hadn't showered in days, living in pajamas, and the house was far from visitor ready. I tried to protest, I'm really not feeling up to company. But Mill brushed it off with, Don't worry, they won't mind. They just want a quick peek at the baby. I felt steamrolled, but at that point it was too late, they'd already been invited. So, Noon comes and these two friends, women in Mill's age group, arrive.

Mill and Aunt Linda were all smiles, greeting them and showing off the baby. One of the friends practically grabbed my son out of my arms, cooing over him. I was startled but tried to be polite. The ladies sat down in our living room and soon enough someone said, Could we get some coffee? The new mom must have the good stuff to stay awake, ha-ha. I was in hostess mode again, despite my exhaustion. I ended up making a pot of coffee and putting out some cookies for them,

since Mill was busy entertaining her guests and wasn't about to do it herself. So there I was, three weeks postpartum, playing coffee server to a bunch of chattering visitors I hadn't even wanted. They stayed for about three hours. The whole time, they passed my newborn around like a show and tell item. I sat with them, trying to smile and engage, but I was internally miserable and physically aching. After a couple of hours, the baby got fussy and I knew he was hungry. I stood up and said, looks like he needs feeding, I'll take him now. I reached for my son, who was in friend B's arms at the moment. Mill actually stopped me from taking my baby. She laughed and said, oh, he's fine. Can't you see

we're playing with him? Relax, you're so tense. I must have looked shocked because I froze for a second, thinking, did she really just say that? My baby was whimpering, that mean I'm hungry, feed me women, I stated more firmly, no, it's feeding time. I need him back. Mill rolled her eyes and actually said, What, are you blind? He's not even crying. He's happy right now, let him socialize a bit. I felt a rush of anger like never before.

In his calm a voice as I could muster, though I was shaking, I said, give me the baby. Now. The room went silent. Friend B immediately stood up and handed me my son. She looked a bit wide-eyed, probably realizing this was overstepping. Mill was just silent, sort of scoffing under her breath. I walked out of the living room with my baby and went straight to my bedroom,

closing the door behind me. I could hear the awkward tension I left in the living room, murmurs like, I think he's hungry, ha-ha. And Mill saying something I couldn't make out. I focused on feeding my baby and trying to calm down my racing heart. The guests left pretty soon after. that, I didn't return to see them out, my Mill did. After they were gone, Mill tried to act like nothing major happened. She came to my door, which I had cracked open by then, and said cheerily,

wasn't that nice. They just loved meeting the baby. I looked at her and said, please, next time, ask me before inviting anyone over. That was not okay. She did not take that well. She immediately got defensive, they're my friends, and this is my son's house too. I didn't think it was a big deal. I was too drained to argue further. I just shut the door and locked it because I honestly didn't want to even see her face at that moment. When my husband got home that evening, I unloaded everything on him. I was furious and on the verge of tears. I told him how his aunt invited strangers over without permission, how I had to play hostess, and how his mother actually tried to prevent me from feeding our child and even insulted me. I quoted the Are You Blind? Comment, which made his

jaw drop. To his credit, my husband looked genuinely appalled. He said, they did what? That is absolutely not okay. This was the first time he seemed to fully grasp how out-of-line things had gotten. He apologized to me profusely and said he would handle it. That night, he pulled his mom aside for a private chat. I'm not sure everything that was said, but I did hear some muffled raised voices. Apparently, he told her that inviting people over without our consent was rude and that she needed to respect me as the baby's mother. The next day, Mill was visibly sulky and quiet. She didn't apologize to me, but she mostly stayed out of my way.

Aunt Linda tried to lighten the mood by saying things like, we just got over-excited, I guess. I didn't engage much. I was basically counting down the days until their departure, which was supposed to be only a few days away at that point. I hope that we could just get through those last days without further drama. Update 3. Things finally reached a breaking point a few days after the uninvited guests' incident. I was about four weeks postpartum and completely worn down. The trigger for the explosion was breastfeeding. My baby was going through a fussy phase, common-gusting.

growth spurt, and Mill decided that it must be because I wasn't feeding him enough. She started harping on me about how maybe my milk supply was low or not filling him up and suggested I give him formula. I tried to brush it off and told her the pediatrician said he's doing fine, but she wouldn't let it go. She kept making comments like, he's still hungry, you should top him off with a bottle, and it felt like a direct criticism of my abilities as a mom. After one particularly snide remark from her, I snapped. I shouted something like, stop it. I know how to feed my baby.

He's fine, please just leave it. It was the first time I had outright yelled at her. Mill got Huffy and said she was just trying to help, and I basically lost it. I started sobbing, saying, you're not helping at all, you're just making everything harder. I was shaking and emotionally done. I retreated to my bedroom with my baby and locked the door. I could hear Mill through the door making a snide comment about me being over-dramatic or something, but I didn't care anymore.

I broke down completely, crying harder than I think I ever have. In that moment, I knew I needed backup. So I called my mom. As soon as she heard my voice, she knew something was very wrong. I was practically hysterical, telling her through sobs that I couldn't take it anymore with Mill in my house. My mom lives in another state, but she immediately said, I'm coming. Hang on, I'll be there as soon as I can. I spent the rest of that evening hold up in the bedroom. My husband came home from work to find me red-eyed and devastated. I told him, as calmly as I could

manage, that I was done. I said, I've called my mom to come help me. If your mom doesn't leave, then I will. I'll go with the baby and stay at my parents once mom gets here. I think that shocked him to his core. He apologized and said he had no idea it had gotten this awful. I mean, I had tried to tell him, but I guess seeing me in that state finally drove at home. That night he had a very serious talk with his mother. I wasn't part of that conversation, but I heard some raised voices from the living room. From what I gather, he told her that this visit was ending early, period. By the next day, my mom arrived, she caught the earliest flight out. I cannot express the relief I felt when I saw her at my door.

I basically fell into her arms sobbing with the baby in between us. After getting me somewhat calmed, my mom went straight into protector mode. She confronted my mill in the living room with me standing there beside her. My mom was firm. She told Mill that it was time for her to go home because I needed rest in a stress-free environment to take care of my newborn. She said something like, this arrangement isn't working. Op is exhausted and needs peace and support right now, not more stress. Mill did not take kindly to that.

She got defensive and said, I'm just trying to help. I took time off and I have a return flight in two days. It's not refundable, I can't just leave. She was getting teary-eyed, saying she couldn't believe she was being kicked out after all she'd done for us. My mom didn't back down at all. She basically replied, I'm sorry, but my daughter's well-being comes first. You'll have to change your ticket or not, but you cannot stay here any longer. My husband was there by then too, backing up my mom and me.

He told his mom gently but firmly that this visit wasn't working out and that she needed to respect our wishes to end it early. Mill ended up in tears, saying she felt unappreciated and hurt. Aunt Linda was rubbing her back, saying, let's just go, it's their loss. It was extremely tense and awkward, but the decision had been made, they would be leaving early. At that point, I mostly felt relief. I thanked my mom profusely for stepping in. Mill and her sister retreated to the guest room to start packing, and probably call other family members to complain about us, who knows.

I finally, finally felt like I could breathe. Update 4, final update, it's been a couple of weeks since the showdown, and I can finally breathe easy. Mill and Aunt Linda went home, and peace has been restored in our household. Getting to that point wasn't pretty, but we survived. After my mom intervened and my husband and I insisted that the visit end early, Mill did leave ahead of schedule. She was very upset, she accused us of being ungrateful and said she was. only wanted to help. My husband had to practically walk her through the airport gate, he drove

them to the airport, because she kept lamenting that she wasn't wanted. He told her plainly that we love her, but the way she handled this visit was not okay and that we need to set some new ground rules for the future. She mostly just cried and said, I was only doing what I thought was best. Once they were gone, the relief was enormous. I spent the next day literally just sleeping and cuddling my baby, with no one watching over my shoulder or making demands. My mom stayed with us for a week after and helped in all the ways I actually needed. She cooked meals, did laundry, cleaned up, and let me nap, all without any drama or fanfare. I cannot overstate how healing that week was for me. It was the polar opposite of the mill visit. My husband, now that he's seen the full

picture, has been super supportive. He apologized to me many times for not realizing how bad it had gotten and for not standing up for me sooner. We've had a lot of honest talks about boundaries, and we're on the same page now. Before any future visits, from Mill or anyone, really, we will be laying down some ground rules together. Some of the things we agreed on, postpartum visits. We won't have anyone, even family, stay with us for an extended period right after a birth unless both of us are completely comfortable with it.

If we ever do have someone stay to help, it will be a short visit and will clearly communicate what we need from them. No surprise guests, no more uninvited tag along or friends popping over without our permission. Any visit to our home needs to be agreed upon by us in advance, no more ambushes like this time. Alternative arrangements. We might encourage out-of-town family, including Mill, to stay at a nearby hotel next time, especially if the visit is long. That way, we aren't forced to host 24 to 7 and can have privacy and downtime. As for my mill, we're giving it a bit of space. She sent a text after she got home saying she was hurt that we cut her visit short and that

she only had the best intentions. I haven't responded yet. My husband did call her a few days later to smooth things over. He explained that we appreciated her wanting to help, but the way it all happened was overwhelming for us. I'm not sure she fully understands or agrees. She mostly said she was sorry I felt upset but also repeated that she did nothing wrong in trying to be there for her grandbaby. So, that's still a bit unresolved.

We'll see how it goes with time. For now, I'm just focusing on my baby and my own recovery. Our home is calm and happy again, which is all I wanted. Thank you to everyone here who offered advice and support throughout this ordeal. hearing from you all really helped me feel validated and gave me the confidence to take action. In the end, I'm so glad we stood our ground. I don't feel like the villain of this story at all, just a new mom who needed her space. I hope you enjoy this story. My child entirely disconnected for me after my former spouse turned her against me, then I found out my ex have been covertly

blocking all my messages and presents for months, causing a rift. My daughter thinking, I abandoned and neglected her. I, 45M, have a 17-year-old daughter with my ex-wife. We divorced three years ago, and it was a pretty bitter split. My ex-wife has primary custody of our daughter, and I have visitation rights. I've always paid my child support on time and even more when needed. Since she was born, I have been putting money aside for her college fund. As of now, I've saved around $80,000 specifically to pay for her education, and I always told her I would take care of her college expenses. A few months ago, out of nowhere, my daughter told me she wants to live with her mom full time. After that, she stopped coming to my place on weekends or during school breaks.

She essentially cut off visiting me entirely. It felt sudden to me. Before that, she used to visit me regularly per our country. custody arrangement. We'd have dinner, hang out, do the usual father-daughter stuff. Then one day she just refused to come over. We didn't have a big fight or anything immediately before this change. I was confused and hurt by her decision. Around that same time, I started hearing through her friends and Abbott from my own family that my ex-wife was telling my daughter the divorce was entirely my fault. I'm not sure what exactly my ex told her, but apparently she's been painting me as the

sole villain who ruined the family. Whatever the specifics, my daughter now seems to believe the divorce was entirely my fault and that I'm the bad guy. Ever since she moved in with her mom full-time, my communication with my daughter has been sparse and strained. I'd try calling or texting, and I'd mostly get one-word replies or no response at all. When I finally managed to talk to her about her plans for college, this was maybe a month or two after she stopped visiting, she was very cold to me. I brought up that I had money saved for her education and asked if she thought about where she wants to go. She basically told me she wasn't interested in discussing it and that she'd figured out herself. That was it. She didn't want to talk about college or

accept any help from me. That conversation left me feeling devastated. It wasn't just what she said, but how she said it, like she didn't care, like I was just some outsider offering her money. We used to be closer. Now she was acting like she wanted nothing from me, not even my support for her future. I told her I was still willing to pay for any college she chose, like I'd always promised. She just repeated that she didn't want my help and would manage on her own, and then she basically ended the call. I feel like my ex-wife has poisoned my daughter against me and now, no matter what I'm. I do, I'm the bad guy in her eyes. It's a terrible feeling. I also can't shake the feeling that I'm being used or played here. I've spent years saving this money for her college,

and I've been paying a lot in child support, which presumably goes toward her needs. But now she won't even speak to me or see me. It's like I only exist as a wallet, and even then my daughter is rejecting the money just to spite me, or because of pride instilled by her mother. I sometimes wonder if I should just keep that $80,000 for myself, maybe for my retirement or for something else. I haven't mentioned this yet, but I started dating someone about a year after the divorce, and I'm in a serious relationship now. My girlfriend is expecting our baby. I suspect that news may have upset my daughter, maybe she feels like I'm replacing her or starting a new family. That isn't true, I love my daughter and she's irreplaceable, but I can see how it might look from her

perspective, especially if my ex was putting ideas in her head. Anyway, here I am with a college fund saved up and a daughter who won't talk to me and says she doesn't want my help. I'm really hurt by how things have turned out. I always thought I was doing right by her, but now she's basically shut me out completely. I'm considering just keeping that money for my own use or maybe for my new child's future, instead of paying for a daughter who has made it clear she doesn't want me involved. However, I did promise to pay for her education, and I've always taken that promise seriously, even if our relationship is bad right now. I truly want to do right by her future.

I also realize a lot of this situation might be the result of my ex's influence rather than my daughter's own feelings, so I hesitate to punish her by taking away something I promised her. I honestly don't know what to do at this point. This whole situation hurts a lot. Would I be the asshole if I decided not to pay for my daughter's college after all this? I'm feeling like every attempt I make to stay in her life or help her is being rejected, and maybe I should just take the hint.

Update 1 Thank you to everyone who responded to my post. Many of you urged me to try to repair my relationship with my daughter before making a final decision about the college fund, so that's what I tried to focus on. Over the past couple of weeks, I tried to take some sense. steps. The main thing I attempted was to arrange family counseling. I reached out to my ex-wife about the idea of doing a few sessions with a therapist, me, our daughter, and maybe the ex as well, or even separate sessions just for me and my daughter. My ex flat out refused. She said our

daughter had no interest in sitting down with me and that I should stop trying to force things. I hadn't even gotten to ask my daughter directly yet, since she's still not really speaking to me. me, so I was relying on my ex to pass along the message. According to my ex, our daughter wanted no part of therapy and I needed to respect that. I didn't want to take my ex's word for it, so I tried asking my daughter myself. I texted her saying I thought it might help if we could talk with a counselor, even just a couple of sessions to work on what's going on between us. After a long delay, she replied that she isn't interested and that I should stop asking. That response heard a lot, but I told her I'd respect her decision. I let her know that if she ever changes her mind

about counseling, I'd be ready, then I left it at that. During this time, I also tried to reiterate to her, via text, that I love her and I'm here for her no matter what. I mentioned again that the college offer still stands if she wants it, emphasizing that my goal isn't to buy her forgiveness or anything. It's simply what I always plan to do. She didn't respond to those messages. The few times I communicated with my ex-wife about all this, it just turned into arguments. In one phone call, she accused me of trying to buy our daughter's affection and said my daughter doesn't want my guilt money. That conversation devolved into a shouting match and solved nothing. At this point, I feel pretty stuck. Therapy was a no-go because my daughter refused any direct

conversation with my ex turns toxic. And my daughter remains distant and shut down with me. I'm giving her space as she seems to want. All I can really do is send occasional texts to remind her I care about her. I've been doing that maybe once or twice a week, and she rarely, if ever, replies. I know she sees the messages, at least unless she's blocked me, I don't think she has. My text show is delivered. But it's radio silence from her side. I haven't made any moves with the college fund money. It's still sitting untouched in the account I set up. Honestly, I'm leaning more and more toward the mindset that she may never talk to me, and I'm coming to terms with that. Right now I'm just trying to focus on what I can control,

preparing for the baby on the way, and keeping myself steady through all this. The door is open for my daughter if she ever wants to talk or even try counseling, but I can't force anything. It hurts a lot, but I have to respect her boundaries for now. Update 2. It's been about another month, and a few noteworthy things have happened. First, I discovered something that infuriated me but also gave me a shred of hope. My ex-wife has been intercepting some of my attempts to contact my daughter. Specifically, I found out that the letters and gifts I mailed to my daughter never actually reached her.

For context, over the last several months, months I had tried different ways to communicate, given that my daughter rarely responded to my texts or calls. I wrote her a couple of old-fashioned letters, pouring my heart out, since sometimes it's easier to say things on paper. I also mailed her a birthday card with a handwritten note and a gift card, and I sent a few small gifts for special occasions, for example, a necklace for her last birthday and some books I thought she'd like. I noticed I never heard anything back about any of these. Initially, I assumed that she just didn't want to acknowledge them. It hurt, but I figured maybe she was too angry to say, thank you or respond. Well, I recently

learned that my daughter never actually received many of those items. The way it came out was kind of roundabout. My daughter's 17th birthday was a couple months ago. I wasn't invited to whatever celebration she had, I wasn't even told if there was a party, so I mailed her a card and a gift. Inside the card I wrote a note expressing that I loved her, that I'm proud of her, and that I wished we could be closer. I also included a $200 gift card to her favorite clothing store, and I sent a small physical gift, a silver necklace with her birthstone. I had it all delivered to my ex-wife's house, where my daughter lives, with tracking, which showed it was dropped off at their front door. After a couple of weeks with no word for my daughter, I grew concerned

that maybe the gift had upset her or that something was wrong. I asked my own mother, my daughter's grandma, if she'd heard from my daughter around her birthday. My mom had spoken to her to wish her happy birthday, so I asked if my daughter mentioned the gift I sent. According to my mom, when she asked, my daughter said, what present? That obviously raised a red flag. Long story short, my mother ended up telling my daughter what I had sent, the card, the gift card, the necklace. Apparently my daughter was confused and said she hadn't received anything from me. That's when it clicked for both of us that something was very wrong. A couple of weeks ago, I had a friend of mine help me with a little experiment.

This friend's teenage son goes to the same high school as my daughter. I wrote another letter to my daughter and gave it to my friend's son to hand deliver at school. In that letter, I mentioned that I had sent a few things before and was sad I never heard back. I just said I hope she got them and that I was thinking of her. My friend's kid passed the sealed letter to my daughter one morning before classes. That evening, I got a text from my daughter for the first time in a long while. She asked if I had really sent her a letter with a gift card and a necklace. I told her that yes, I had, and then I asked if she ever received them.

She replied that no, she hadn't received any of that, that the only thing she got was the letter that was hand-delivered at school. Later that night she texted again, saying, I believe you, and said that she had my number blocked for some reason. Basically saying she didn't do it. I can only assume what happened on her end after what I had told. My guess is that she confronted her mom about it. Sure enough, the next day I got a furious phone call from my ex-wife, accusing me. of going behind her back to undermine her and turn our daughter against her. She was livid that I had someone deliver a letter at school.

I responded that I resorted to that because it seemed like my other communications weren't getting through. When I brought up the missing birthday package, my ex tried to play dumb at first, if you sent something, I have no idea what happened to it. Maybe it got lost in the mail or someone stole it from the porch. I told her that was funny, because the tracking showed it was delivered. She then got defensive and said I was making her out to be the bad guy. So yes, it appears my ex has been actively intercepting or disposing of my letters and gifts

to our daughter for months. This discovery infuriates me, because it's one thing for my daughter to ignore me, but it's another for my ex to actively prevent her from even knowing I tried. That feels like a huge betrayal and basically sabotage of my relationship with my daughter. It crosses the line into outright parental alienation territory. I'm furious at my ex's actions, but at least now I have an explanation for why my daughter might have believed I abandoned her. She possibly thought I didn't care enough to call or remember her birthday or make any effort beyond a few texts, when in reality I was trying and my ex was meddling.

Realizing this gives me a bit of hope that my daughter's coldness was based on missing information and misinformation, not purely her own. own feelings. I now have proof, via common sense and a confirmation from my daughter, that I did attempt to stay in touch and that my ex interfered. I haven't had a chance to fully discuss this with my daughter yet. After the brief texts where we figured out what happened, she went quiet again. I'm not sure what's going on at her home at the moment. Possibly a huge fight between her and her mom, or maybe my daughter just needs time to process the fact that her mom lied to her. I'm trying to be patient. I did send my daughter another message saying I'm here whenever she wants to talk, and that I love her. No response yet, but at least now she knows I try to reach out

and that I care. I'll update again when there's more to report. I'm really hoping my daughter will come around and want to have a real conversation after all this. Update 3. A lot of A lot has happened since the revelation about the intercepted letters. It took about a week, but my daughter finally reached out and agreed to talk. She texted me asking if we could chat, and we ended up having a phone call over an hour. For the first time in a long while, we really talked. It was emotional but also very honest between us. My daughter told me she did confront her mom about the hidden letters and gifts.

She said my ex eventually admitted to setting aside the things I'd sent, trying to justify it by claiming she was protecting my daughter for my supposed manipulation. That led to a huge argument between them. And my daughter was so upset she went to stay at a friend's house for a couple of nights. During our call, I mostly listened and let my daughter say everything on her mind. She cried at points, and I'll admit I got choked up hearing her so upset. She said she felt very conflicted and confused. She was angry at her mom for lying and keeping us apart.

But she also said she had some sympathy because she knows her mom has been miserable since the divorce and probably acted out of her own hurt and bitterness. I assured my daughter that none of this was her fault and that her mom's feelings and actions are not her responsibility. We also talked about what led up to this situation from her perspective. Over the past couple of years, she had been hearing a very one-sided story about the divorce. Basically, whenever I wasn't around, my ex would drop comments suggesting I was untrustworthy or that I broke up the family.

For example, when I started dating my girlfriend, about a year after the divorce, her mom told her that I probably had that woman lined up the whole time and that's why I abandoned the family. None of that is true, I did not meet my girlfriend until well after the marriage was. was over, but my daughter admitted that hearing those things made her believe I was cheating on her mom before the marriage ended. When I eventually introduced my daughter to my girlfriend, after we've been dating about six months, my daughter told me she was already predisposed to dislike her because of what she'd been told. She admitted she had been rude to my girlfriend when they first met, and that she feels bad

about it now. At the time, she truly believed my girlfriend was the reason I left our family. In her words, I thought she was the reason you left us. I clarified to my daughter that I never left her. I might have left the marriage, but I would never abandon my child. I explained that my relationship with my girlfriend had nothing to do with why the marriage ended. I apologized for any time-line confusion that made it look like I moved on too fast. I also apologized that she was introduced to my girlfriend at a time when she clearly

was not ready to accept that I was dating. In hindsight, maybe I should have waited longer or talked to my daughter more beforehand, but I genuinely didn't realize her mom was feeding her those narratives. My daughter said she understands that now. At the time, though, she was 15 and really upset, and she pretty much took it out on me by withdrawing more and more. She then talked about how things got worse when my girlfriend moved in with me, about a year ago, and then when she learned that my girlfriend is pregnant.

She admitted that when she heard about the pregnancy, she found out from her mom, since I hadn't gotten a chance to tell her myself due to the distance between us, she felt a mix of hurt and anger. She said it seemed like a confirmation of everything her mom had been saying, that I had a new family on the way and wouldn't need her anymore. Hearing that broke my heart. I made it as clear as I possibly could that this was never my intention. I told her she will always be my daughter and I will always want to need her in my heart. my life. I also acknowledged that from her point of view, I probably did seem very caught up in my new relationship and maybe I didn't reach out as much as I could have at certain times. We also touched on the college topic. I explained that when I brought up the college fund back then,

it wasn't to control her or by her forgiveness. I genuinely had that money saved for her and wanted her to have it. She admitted that at the time, her mindset was heavily influenced by her mom. She'd been told that I was just trying to throw money at her out of guilt. My daughter said her mom basically told her not to trust any help for me because it would have strings attached. My daughter admitted that at the time she wasn't sure what to think of my offers, but she was so angry that she figured she'd rather not take anything from me. I tried to reassure her on all of that. I told her point-blank that the college fund has no strings attached.

It's hers to use for school, period. I said the only condition, if any, was that she actually use it for her education or something to benefit her future. I also made it clear I'm not trying to influence which school she chooses or anything like that. It's her choice, and I'd be happy as long as she's doing something positive for her future. She got pretty quiet at that part of the conversation. I could tell she felt a bit guilty or conflicted. She didn't say whether she would want to use the money or not. I didn't push her to give an answer right then.

We had already waited through a lot of heavy stuff, and I didn't want the conversation to turn into a financial discussion. By the end of the call, we both said I love you and I miss you. It was the most honest talk we've had in years. I asked if she'd be open to meeting up in person sometime soon, even just for a short visit. She said she would like that. We didn't set a specific date yet, but she told me after things. calm down at home, she'll let me know when she's ready. She went back to her mom's house after a couple days at her friends, so she's still navigating that situation with her mom.

I also gently mentioned that if she ever wants to talk to a counselor, alone or with me, I'd support her in that. I left that ball entirely in her court. She said maybe, but she wants to take things slow for now. I told her that was completely fine and that I'm here whenever she needs me. I feel an enormous sense of relief that we finally got to talk like this. There's still a lot to work through, and I'm going to be cautious, but I'm so grateful we had this breakthrough. She even asked a little about the baby on the way, almost shyly. She said, so you're really having a baby? I told her yes, and that I would love for her to be involved as much as she wants, that her little brother or sister is not a replacement for her

in any way. She sort of has her. She sort of half laughed and said it's a lot to process, but she appreciated hearing me say that. I know the idea of me having another child is still sensitive for her, but I'm glad we talked about it even a little. Where we left things, we are on speaking terms again. In fact, we've been texting a bit every few days now. It's nothing too deep. She'll share a meme or tell me something about school, and I'll respond. She still sounds a little reserved in her texts, but that's okay. I'm just happy we have a line of communication open. I'm not pushing anything. I want to rebuild trust at a pace she's comfortable with. We tentatively plan to meet up in person soon,

possibly for lunch or coffee, whenever she feels ready. Update for this will likely be my final update. It's been a few more weeks since that big heart-to-heart conversation with my daughter. Things have been relatively calm, but we've made some decisions. regarding the college fund and how to move forward. Firstly, my daughter and I did meet up in person about a week ago. She came over to my place for lunch on a Saturday. It was just the two of us. We kept it pretty low-key and casual.

We ate, caught up on everyday stuff, and generally tried to relax around each other. There were a few awkward moments, understandable after everything, but we eased into it. For those hours, it almost fell. normal. We didn't get into any heavy topics during that meetup. I steered clear of anything that might turn into an argument or tearful discussion. Mostly we just chatted about school, her friends, plans for the summer, stuff like that. Toward the end, I did gently bring up the subject of college since the time to make decisions is coming up for her. I asked if she's thought about where she wants to go or what she wants to do after graduation. She opened up a bit and told me

she's gotten acceptance letters from a couple of universities and is waiting on a few more. I congratulated her and told her how proud I am of her. Then I asked if she had made any decisions about how to pay for it, or if she wanted to consider using the college fund I saved. I phrased it very cautiously because I didn't want her to feel pressured or like I was dangling it in front of her. I basically said that I still have the money set aside for her and I'm more than willing to put it toward her education if that's what she wants. My daughter got quiet for a moment and then admitted that she feels weird about the whole money situation now. She said everything that happened made her question whether she even deserves it.

She also mentioned that her mom has been talking about possibly taking out loans and how they'll manage without me. I could tell my daughter is conflicted and may be a little afraid to rely on me, given how rocky things have been. I reassured her, again, that as far as I'm concerned. I told her I'm not going to hold it over her or use it to control her choices. I also made sure she knows I'm proud of her for being willing to figure things out on her own, but that she shouldn't have to go into debt just because of pride or because of issues between her mom and me. I said I'd be genuinely happy to pay her tuition and school expenses directly to the college,

to keep it simple. She didn't give me an answer right then, which I expected. She said it's a lot to think about. I told her whatever she decides, I'll support her decision, and we can talk more about it whenever she wants. We left it at that for the time being. After she went home, I did a lot of thinking. While I truly want her to use that college fund for her education, I also have to prepare for the possibility that she won't accept it, at least not right now. She's going to be 18 soon and will be an adult.

If our relationship continues to improve, I could always hold on to the money and let her know it's available whenever she's ready to use it for school. But I also feel I need to protect myself from getting hurt or taken advantage of. The reality is I spent years mentally allotting that money for my daughter under the assumption I'd be an active part of her life moving forward. Things turned out very differently for a while. And while I hope we continue to reconcile, I have to see consistent effort from both sides. sides to fully commit that kind of support again. After a lot of consideration, I've made a decision about the $80,000 college fund. I've decided that I will not be directly paying for my daughter's college, at least as things stand right now. Instead, I moved the majority of that money into a high-yield

savings account, and part of it into an index fund, earmarked for my new child's future education, or other needs he'll have. This wasn't an easy decision, but here's how I arrived at it. I've accepted that for now my daughter isn't comfortable accepting my help, and there's still a lot of trust to rebuild between us. I also feel I need to protect myself from getting hurt or used. I think it's fair that I redirect it to where I know it will be used and appreciated. In practical terms, I did leave a portion of the money, not all $80,000, but a decent chunk, in the original account for my daughter. If she comes around before college starts and tells me she'd like health. with tuition, I will still honor that and pay what I can from that portion.

I haven't told her I reallocated anything. I don't think there's any need to share that detail. As far as she knows, the full offer still stands, and I will quietly fulfill it if she decides to accept it. However, if she continues to insist on figuring out college without me, then that money will remain with me and eventually go toward my other child or other family needs. I feel that's fair, all things considered. I did my best to make good on my promise, but I can't force her to take anything she doesn't want.

I'm hopeful that one day my daughter will fully come around and maybe even understand why I had to make some of these decisions. For now, we're rebuilding trust slowly. The worst of the estrangement seems to be over, but consequences remain. I can only do my best as a dad to both of my kids with the circumstances I've got. Thanks for the support. It's been hard, but things are finally looking up. I hope you enjoy this story. My child returned to our residents following a romantic split and resided without contributing financially for more than 12 months.

He then began transforming our living space into a baby's room without seeking approval, as his present partner wished for it. Was also his affair partner got pregnant. My 28-year-old son moved back in with my wife. wife and me 14 months ago after a bad breakup ended his four-year relationship. At the time, he told us it would just be a temporary arrangement for a few months so he could get back on his feet emotionally and financially. We understood he was heartbroken and wanted to support him through a rough patch. We agreed to let him stay in his old room, rent-free, on the assumption that he would use the time to recover and then move out once he was stable again. It's now been well over a

year, and our son is still living with us with no end in sight. He has a decent full-time job, so money shouldn't be the issue holding him back from moving out. However, instead of saving up for his own place, he spends most of his income on expensive hobbies, take out food, and nights out with friends. As far as we can tell, none of his income is being saved toward an apartment or future despite living under our roof and using our utilities, he has an offer to contribute a dime to rent, groceries, or the electric and water bills. My wife, 49F, and I, 52M, have been quietly covering all the household expenses while he basically treats our home like a free hotel. He also doesn't help out with any household chores. He'll leave his dirty dishes in the sink for us to wash,

drop his laundry in the hamper assuming my wife or I will handle it, and generally comes and goes as he pleases like a guest on vacation. We've tried dropping hints and making polite requests for him to clean up after himself or lend the hand, but he acts like we're inconveniencing him. For example, I once asked if he could mow the lawn on a Saturday and he responded, I'm really not feeling up to that right now, I'm still feeling low. Yet he had no problem going out with his buddies that same evening. Whenever we bring up the subject of him finding his own place or at least contributing to household costs, he immediately gets defensive and upset. He'll say things like, I'm still healing from my breakup.

Why can't you just be supportive? He insists that we're making him feel unwelcome during a difficult time in his life. The few times we've tried to have a direct conversation about setting a move-out timeline, he's accused us of turning our backs on him and being unsupportive parents. He often reminds us how devastated he was after his ex left and that he needs more time to get back on track. We do sympathize, truly, but it's been 14 months of more time. My wife and I are starting to feel taken advantage of. We love our son and we're happy to help him when he was at rock bottom,

but at this point it feels like he's using his breakup as an excuse to avoid responsibility. In fact, socially he seems to be doing fine now. He goes to work, hangs out with friends, and even spends money on concerts and pricey gadgets for his hobbies. It's not like he's holed up in his room crying every day anymore. From our perspective, he's just gotten comfortable and has little incentive to leave our nest since we're footing all the bills. We haven't given him any ultimatums yet, because frankly we're worried about pushing him away or causing a rift. But we're also feeling frustrated living with a 28-year-old who behaves like a teenager on summer break. We expected a few months of support, not an indefinite period of subsidizing his lifestyle.

So Reddit, are we being unreasonable or cruel for wanting our adult son to either start contributing or move out? Comment 1, Eda honestly, I can't believe you're complaining about supporting your own son for a while. He went through a devastating breakup and you're acting like he's a burden for needing help. Who cares if it's been 14 months? He's family, not a tenant. You're being incredibly unsupportive and basically telling him to get over it on your timetable. Charging your own kid rent and harping on him for chores when he's depressed is cruel.

You should be ashamed of how you're treating him. Op, I'm sorry you see it that way. We have been nothing but supportive for over a year. We didn't charge him anything initially and we've taken care of him this whole time. We're not throwing him out on the street with no warning. We just expected that after well over a year, he would start to get back on his feet. Also, from our perspective, he's not actually acting depressed lately. He's active with friends and hobbies, just not taking any responsibility at home.

I understand some parents would let their adult kids stay indefinitely, but we feel like we've gone above and beyond here. Comment two, is your son getting any kind of professional help or therapy for this healing process he talks about? If not, then it sounds like he's using it as an excuse. Op, he went to a therapist for a short while after the breakup, but he stopped after a couple of months, saying he was feeling better. These days he generally seems fine mood-wise. He goes out with friends, works, enjoys hobbies. I don't think this is a depression issue now, maybe it was at first. It does come across more like he's milking the situation.

We have tried encouraging him to maybe talk to someone or at least to think about his future plan. but he just keeps saying he needs more time. First, thank you to everyone who commented on my original post. The feedback was overwhelmingly on my side, and it gave my wife and me the push we needed to set some firm boundaries with our son. A few days after the original post, we sat our son down for a serious talk. We even put together a short written agreement outlining house rules and expectations going forward, since the few months have long passed.

Here's what we asked of him in the agreement. Contribute $400 per month toward rent and utilities, a token amount far below any real rent, just to have him put some skin in the game. Do his own laundry and clean up after himself, no more dumping chores on us. Buy his own groceries, or chip in if he's eating the food we buy, instead of just raiding our fridge without contributing. General respect for house rules, like keeping his space reasonably clean and not making a mess in common areas.

Timeline for moving out, we wanted him to aim to move out within the next six months. We offered to help him create a budget or look for apartments when he's ready, but we we wanted a clear end goal so this situation doesn't drag on forever. We presented this to him as kindly but firmly as we could, emphasizing that we still love him and want to support him, but that he's an adult and this arrangement needs to be fair to everyone. Well. It did not go over well.

As soon as he realized we were essentially giving him rules and a potential deadline, he became very upset. He said we were treating him like a tenant instead of family. He actually said something along the lines of I never would have moved back home if I knew you were going to turn on me like this. We tried to explain that we weren't turning on him, and that these terms were much more lenient than any real landlord would give, and that we'd always be his parents, not actual landlords. But he was having none of it.

The discussion got pretty heated on his side. He accused us of being ungrateful for everything he's had to go through, as if his breakup was somehow helping us. And he argued that asking for rent from one's own child is cruel and greedy. I stayed calm and reiterated that we've supported him free of charge for over a year, which not all parents would do, and that $400 per month is extremely reasonable given his income and expenses. He stormed off after saying we were basically the worst parents ever for nickel and diming him when he's still healing. Since that blow up, he's been giving us the silent treatment. It's been three days now where he barely says a word to us.

He stays shut in his room when he's home or slips out of the house without a word. We're feeling pretty disheartened. We did get a text from our daughter, his sister, saying that he vented to her, calling us cruel and greedy for making him sign a contract to live. in his own parents' house. She knows the whole story and is trying to stay neutral, but hearing that he's telling others we turned on him is hard. My wife and I don't think we've done anything wrong by establishing these boundaries. If anything, maybe we should have done it sooner. But right now our son is incredibly angry at us. We hope he cools down and realizes that paying a token rent and doing chores is not an outrageous thing to ask. That's where things stand.

We have house rules in writing now, and a very unhappy son who thinks were the villains. Not sure what the next step will be, but we'll see. Comment one, $400 per month is insanely low for what he's getting, basically full room and bored. If he thinks that's greedy, he's in for a rude awakening in the real world. Your right to set boundaries. Has he actually signed or agreed to the written agreement yet, or is he just ignoring it? Op, he hasn't signed anything yet. When we handed it to him, he basically blew up and walked out.

We left a copy of the agreement in his room in case he cools down and reconsiders. So far, he's just been avoiding us. We're hoping once he realizes we're serious, he'll talk to us and we can get him to actually agree in writing, or at least verbally, to the terms. Comment two, how did your daughter react when he tried to badmouth you to her? Op, according to our daughter, she mostly just listened to him vent, but didn't exactly take his side. She told us she pointed out to him that $400 is nothing compared to real rent and that most parents would expect an adult to contribute something. She's trying not to be too involved, but she didn't think we were being cruel or anything.

She kind of told him they have a point, you know. He apparently just got mad and ended the call. Update 2, it's been about three weeks since we've been. laid down the house rules. Eventually, our son, grudgingly, agreed to the terms. After a week of sulking, he told us he'd sign the stupid agreement so we'd stop hounding him. In his word, he's paid the first $400 rent for this month and started doing his own laundry and buying some of his own groceries. So in terms of the deal, he's technically complying. However, a new issue arose that we did not anticipate. Our son has started dating someone new, and she is very pregnant, visibly far along.

From what we observe, the baby probably isn't his, but regardless, he's jumped into this relationship quickly. The bigger problem, she's at our house constantly. We're talking almost every day, often overnight. They've basically taken over our living room for movie nights. She's even left clothes here, almost like she's living here part-time, even though we'd barely know her. We never laid out rules about guests when we set the agreement, because we didn't imagine we'd need a no-moving your girlfriend in claws. We were trying to treat him like an adult and not micromanage his social life.

But now our home feels less like ours, it's like their personal apartment and were just bystanders. After about a week of this, my wife and I gently approached our son, when his girlfriend wasn't around, to say we need to set some boundaries. We told him we're glad he's moving unsocially, but having his girlfriend over every single day and night is more than we're comfortable with. We suggested maybe they hang out elsewhere some days or limit overnights. He immediately got defensive. He accused us of being judgmental about his new relationship.

According to him, we should be happy he's not lonely, and instead we're nitpicking and making her feel unwelcome. We tried to explain it's not about her as a person, it's about us needing some something. privacy in our own home. He wasn't hearing it. He basically said that if he had his own place, we wouldn't get any say in who he is over, and that we claim we want him to move on but then aren't actually happy when he does. After that talk, nothing changed. She still comes over almost daily and stays over most nights. We're reluctant to push the issue further because technically he isn't violating the original written agreement, he is paying rent and doing chores, and we never explicitly set guest rules. But this situation is far beyond what we expected.

My wife is especially uncomfortable with essentially having a stranger practically living in our home and a complicated situation at that, with her being pregnant. So that's where we stand now. Our son is doing the bare minimum we required, but he's also turned our house into his new family hangout. And if we object, we're judging him. We're really unsure how to handle this, because it feels like a whole new boundary is being crossed. Comment one, wow, your son found a way to turn one freeloader into two. You're not wrong to want your house back. If he wants to play house with his girlfriend, he needs his own place.

Does the girlfriend even know this is actually your home, not his? She seems awfully comfortable there. Op, we haven't explicitly discussed it with her, but she knows where his parents and that he lives with us, or at least we assume she knows. Now that you mention it, she does act very at home. It's possible he hasn't made it clear that this is our house. We might need to subtly mention that we're the homeowners. Comment two, NTA. Wanting reasonable boundaries on guests is completely fair. He basically moved her in without asking you. You may have to set a specific rule now, like no overnight guests more than X nights a week or something.

If he can't respect that, he's breaking the spirit of your trust. Op, you're right. We're going to have another sit down and spell out some limits on how often she can be here. We didn't think we'd have to, but lesson learned. We'll try to be diplomatic but firm. We're not banning her outright, just making it clear there have to be limits, like maybe only weekends or a couple nights a week. Update 3, about a week after the last update, we discovered that our son has been telling his

girlfriend that our house is actually his house, and that my wife and I are just his roommates helping him with expenses. We found this out by accident, I was chatting with his girlfriend in our kitchen while my son was out picking up food. She casually mentioned how cool it was that we, his roommates, were so helpful with the bills. We did a double take and said, uh, just to be clear, were his parents. She seemed confused. She said she knew we were his parents, but that our son had kind of implied we all co-owned the place or that we lived here to help him out. Basically, he'd given her the impression that he owns the house and were just here contributing to his mortgage. I didn't correct her in detail right then, because I was pretty stunned. Later, when the girlfriend wasn't

around, we confronted our son. At first he tried to deny it or say she mis-sum. understood, but when we pressed, he admitted he told her that. His excuse. He didn't want to look like a loser who still lives with his parents at 28. He tried to downplay it like it wasn't a big deal, everyone exaggerates a bit when they're dating, I didn't think it mattered. We were extremely upset and told him this was absolutely not okay. We said it's disrespectful and absurd that he would basically demote us to roommates in our own home just to impress someone. We told him needs to come clean to his girlfriend about whose house this really is, and soon, because we won't keep up that lie.

He kind of shrugged and didn't give a firm answer, just kept saying it wasn't a huge deal and that we were overreacting. At this point, my wife and I are furious and deeply hurt. It's one thing for him to rely on us, it's another to lie to make us look like background characters in his life. If he doesn't fix this, we're prepared to speed up our timeline on asking him to move out. We haven't spoken to his girlfriend about it further yet, we're hoping he'll tell her the truth himself, but if he doesn't, we will. The girlfriend absolutely deserves to know the real living situation, especially with a baby on the way.

I'd give him an ultimatum, come clean to her and start showing you some respect, or he's out. Op, we're right on the edge of that breaking point. The only reason we haven't kicked him out already is that we're trying not to act purely out of anger. But we 100% agree, this crossed a major line. We told him in no uncertain terms that he must fix this lie. If he doesn't, an ultimatum, an eviction, is coming. We really never thought we'd be contemplating kicking out our own son, but his behavior is leaving us no choice. Update 4.

About two weeks passed after the house lies. Before we could speak about our ultimatum, we got hit with the news, our son's pregnant girlfriend isn't a new fling at all, she was actually the other woman during his previous relationship, and the baby she's carrying is our sons. We found this out through our daughter. She stayed friendly with our son's ex, the one he dated for four years, and recently met up with her. The ex revealed that she ultimately ended the relationship because she discovered our son had been cheating with his current girlfriend, and that the other woman, now girlfriend, contacted her around six to seven months after the to rub it in that she was pregnant with our son's baby. So our son has known for a long

while that he has a baby on the way, he just chose not to tell us when he moved back home. It explained a lot about his messy breakup and behavior after, he wasn't just heartbroken, he was caught in a huge mess of his own making. A few days ago, my wife and I confronted our son with this information. He tried to deny it at first, but once it was clear we had the timeline and facts, his girlfriend is about seven to eight months along, which matches up, he admitted it. He said he didn't tell us because he knew we'd overreact and he wanted to wait until the time was right to break the news. Apparently that meant when the baby was almost due. We told him how upset and betrayed we felt, not only did he lie, but he apparently planned to

raise a newborn under our roof without even asking us. At that point he dropped another bomb, he and his girlfriend had already decided that after the baby is born, they will both live here with the baby and essentially start their family in our home. He actually said we should be happy to have our grandchild around, and that having built-in babysitters, us, would be great since daycare is expensive. He delivered all this like it was a done deal. He never once asked for permission, he just assumed we'd go along. In fact, we caught him already clearing out our home office,

the only spare room we have, to make it a nursery. He was boxing up our things without even a conversation. My wife came upon our office furniture being moved and was in tears. We immediately told him to stop. He got Huffy and said we needed to start making sacrifices because the baby's going to need a lot of space and attention. He argued that since it's his child, our grandchild, and we have the room and resources and they don't, it just makes sense for them to live here and for us to help raise the baby. He also added that once the baby arrives his girlfriend will likely stop working,

so they'll be down to one income, implying they'll rely on us even more. My wife and I were absolutely horrified and said this was not going to happen. We never agreed to support an entire new family under our roof. We told him we might love our future grandchild, but this arrangement was not acceptable. He tried to guilt us by saying, wow, so you're fine with kicking your own grandkid out onto the street. Great grandparents you'll be. He basically accused us of abandoning him and the baby. At one point my wife had to walk away because she was on the verge of a breakdown. Our son kept insisting they had nowhere else to go, and that we were cruel for making them struggle

when we could easily help. We ended up ending the conversation without any resolution, just to cool off. The bottom line, our son fully expects that his girlfriend and newborn will live here with him, with us providing housing, childcare, and financial support indefinitely, and he assumed this without ever asking. We are livid and feel massively taken advantage of. He is using our grandchild as emotional leverage to trap us, which is something we never expected from our own child. The baby is due in about one or two months. After a lot of discussion, my wife and I, are in complete agreement. As much as we love our son, we cannot allow this to happen. We refuse to be bullied into sacrificing our home and retirement to raise another baby.

Update 5. Final Update. Here we are at the final update, not long after the last blow-up, my wife and I put our foot down completely. We gave our son a 30-day notice to move out. We put it in writing, making it clear that after 30 days he could no longer live here. and that under no circumstances would a baby be raised in our home. We also stated that his girlfriend was not allowed to move in. Basically, we drew a hard line, this arrangement was ending. He did not take it well. When we handed him the letter and explained it, he had a complete meltdown.

There was yelling, crying, and a lot of other things. He said a lot of hurtful things, like that we were ruining his life, that we'd never see our grandchild, and that we were essentially disowning him. He accused us of valuing our precious peace and quiet over helping him. At one point he screamed, if you kick me out, consider me dead to you. Which was just devastating to hear. We stayed as calm as possible, but it was very rough. We didn't kick him out on the spot, we gave him 30 days to figure things out.

During that period, two major things happened. First, his girlfriend broke up with him. We don't know all the details, but apparently when she realized he had no real plan, and found out he'd lied about the house, she decided she didn't want to raise her baby in this chaos. From what we hear, she moved back in with her own parents, who will support her once the baby comes. Second, our son moved out. He didn't even use the full 30 days. Roughly two weeks into it, after his girlfriend left him, he passed.

packed some bags and left a crash on a friend's couch. We've heard he's bouncing between friends for now. He did not say goodbye or anything, he just left in anger. Now it's just my wife and me in the house again. The silence is surreal. We feel a mix of sorrow and relief. Our son is extremely angry and has cut off contact except for a few nasty texts. As for our grandchild, she hasn't been born yet.

We're not sure what will happen when she arrives. We let the ex-girlfriend, that we'd be willing to be involved as grandparents if she's open to it. She sent a polite message back that she's focusing on the baby for now, and maybe we can discuss visiting in the future. We'll see, we understand we might have limited involvement, at least initially. In the end, this whole thing has been very hard on us. We're not happy that it came to essentially evicting our son and having him cut up. us off, but we truly felt we had no other choice. Our home is finally our own again, which is a relief, but it was the only way to get out of an impossible situation. I hope you enjoy this

story. My future spouse mistakenly referred to me by the name of a colleague of the opposite gender just days before our marriage, prompting me to vanish on the day of the ceremony and abandon her at the altar. Of all our friends and family, my fiancé and I are supposed to get married in three days, but I'm having serious second thoughts. I, 30M, have been with my fiancé, 28F, for four years, engaged for one. Everything was on track for our big day. Until last night. We were home going over some last-minute seating arrangements when she accidentally called me by another guy's name, specifically, the name of one of her male co-workers. Let's call him John. To say I was stunned as an understatement. I just froze and went, wait, what did you just call me?

She immediately looked like she'd seen a ghost and tried to laugh it off, saying she was stressed and it was a slip of the tongue. But John is not a random name, he's a co-worker she's grown close to over the past few months. I've had a bad feeling about their friendship for a while. There have been little red flags, she texts him in the evenings about non-work stuff, she's mentioned inside jokes from the office that only involve him, and I once saw his name pop up with a heart emoji next to it on her phone. Whenever I asked about him, she insisted they're just friends and that I'm reading into things. I tried to believe her, but that slip-up calling me John really set off alarm bells. I didn't blow up or anything.

I just went quiet. She apologized repeatedly and said, I swear, it was nothing, just wetting stress. I nodded, but inside I felt sick. If it truly meant nothing, why did she even have his name on the tip of her tongue while talking to her future husband? My gut tells me she's been emotionally cheating with this guy. Maybe it hasn't gotten physical, I don't have evidence of that, but something is definitely off.

The way she talks about him, the way she lights up when she got a text from him. I noticed these things, even though I try to ignore them in the excitement of wedding planning. Now I'm sitting here three days before the wedding with a fiancé who might not really love me. I'm starting to think she's only marrying me for my money or the stability I provide, not out of true love. For context, I do pretty well financially, I have a solid career and I've been paying for a lot of our future plans. She's always been enthusiastic about the nice apartment, the car, the honeymoon I booked us, and the general comfortable life we're building. I hate to even think this, but part of me wonders if that's the main reason she's eager to marry so quickly. Meanwhile, her heart might belong to this other guy. It's a horrible feeling.

Our wedding is largely paid for and practically all set, venue, catering, everything. It's supposed to be a 150-person event that costs around $18,000 in total. At this point, canceling or postponing would be a nightmare logistically. and financially. We'd lose deposits and piss off a lot of people. But how can I go through with it now? I haven't confronted her beyond that awkward moment. She's acting extra sweet today, almost like she's trying to pretend nothing happened, but I can't get it out of my head. I haven't told anyone else about this yet. I feel embarrassed and heartbroken. This is supposed to be one of the happiest times of my life and instead I'm here questioning if my fiancé is in love with

someone else. I'm also angry, angry that she put me in this position right before the wedding. If she truly has feelings for this co-worker, why not be honest before we got this far? And if she doesn't, then what the hell is going on? At this point I'm considering calling off the wedding, but I don't know if I'm overreacting. Three days away. Invitations out, guests flying in from out of town, everything. If I pull the plug, it's going to be extremely messy. I did glance at her phone late last night while she was showering, but of course she has a password protected now, something she only recently started doing, which in hindsight is suspicious too. I'm really stuck here. My heart is telling me this is a huge red flag that I'd be

stupid to ignore. I love her so much, or at least I thought I did, but now I'm not even sure who she really is. Is it the woman who wants to be my partner for life, or something? Or some of her. I'm someone who's settling for me while her heart is elsewhere. I'm also asking myself if I'm prepared to marry someone I don't fully trust. The answer right now is no. I haven't slept properly since last night. She's acting like everything is normal today, texting me about cake flavors and timeline details as if she didn't just call me by another man's name.

I haven't responded much. I told her I'm just swamp tying up loose ends at work before I take time off for the wedding. She seemed to buy that for now. I feel lost and honestly pretty heartbroken. Our wedding is in three days and I'm staring at my suit hanging in the closet, feeling like this whole thing might be a sham. I always thought we had a solid relationship, not perfect but based on love and trust. Now I'm questioning everything.

I could really use some outside perspective or advice because I don't know how to proceed. I'll be checking replies when I can. I just needed to vent and get some clarity. Thanks, update one. First off, thanks to everyone who commented on my original post. I read as much as I could. The overwhelming advice was to not go through with the wedding given the circumstances, and that lined up with what my gut was screaming at me.

A lot has happened in the last few days. I made my decision pretty quickly after posting. I was not going to marry her. Once that became clear in my head, I started planning how to bail out with minimal drama. I didn't confront my fiancé again about the co-worker. In fact, I basically avoided her for the last couple of days leading up to the wedding. We'd been staying in separate places beforehand, she was at her parents' house a lot to help them with some prep, and I was at our apartment. That distance made it easier.

I kept any conversations short and stuck to logistical stuff. If she sensed something was off, she didn't show it. She was probably too busy with last-minute details and getting pampered by her bridesmaids. The night before the wedding, there was a small rehearsal dinner for immediate family and bridal party. I did not show up. I simply didn't go. Instead, I spent that evening packing my essentials and personal stuff from our apartment. I know that was a pretty cold move, but I just.

I couldn't face her or everyone and put on a smile, knowing I planned to ghost her the next day. While I was packing, I turned off my phone to avoid the incoming barrage. Apparently people did try to reach me when I no-show the rehearsal. I found out later my brother, who was my best man, covered for me initially by saying I wasn't feeling well. He had no idea what I was actually doing. I hadn't told anyone my plan at that point. I feel bad for dragging him into a lie, but I panicked. Early on the morning of the wedding, I quietly left town.

I threw my suit, ring, and a suitcase in the car and drove two hours to my parents' house. I left the engagement ring box on the kitchen counter with a note saying, I'm sorry, I can't do this. It was short, not sweet. I didn't explain about the cheating in the note. I figured we'd talk later, or she could piece it. together. My main goal was to be gone before she even realized. In hindsight, maybe I should have said more or at least texted her, but I was a mess and just wanted out. So yes, I literally ghosted my

fiancé on our wedding day. It still feels surreal typing that. I was running on adrenaline and hurt. By the time I got to my parents' house, I had dozens of missed calls and frantic texts. I powered off the phone again and took a long nap out of pure emotional exhaustion. Now, the wedding itself. This is where things go from sad to borderline farcical. Since I hadn't officially told anyone but bailed, everyone showed up to the venue as planned, except me. My side of the family eventually got wind that I wasn't coming. My parents knew I was at their house, obviously, and they quietly informed a few relatives.

But my fiancé and her family were at the wedding venue, in full wedding attire, expecting me to show. I cannot imagine the storm that was brewing there. According to what I later heard from a friend who was present, my fiancée arrived at the venue in her gown with her bridesmaids, greeting guests as if everything was fine. She apparently told people I was running late due to a family emergency. I cringed so hard hearing that. She was trying to save face or genuinely thought I might. might still show up late. I don't know. People waited around awkwardly. One of my aunts told me that for the first half hour or so past the start time, it was just guests milling around

sipping drinks, all confused and murmuring. My fiancé kept saying like, oh, he's on his way. He had to deal with something important. I can't imagine what was going through her head, whether she truly believed I'd walk in eventually, or if she was in denial. After enough time passed with no groom in sight, things fell apart. Some guests started leaving once it became clear I wasn't coming. There was apparently a lot of commotion, her dad trying to calm people, bridesmaids crying, my friends texting my brother asking what the hell was going on. Eventually, someone, I think her mother, made an announcement that due to unforeseen circumstances,

the wedding will not be happening today. That's the polite way of saying the groom vanished. I can only imagine the humiliation and shock on her side of the family. I stayed hold up at my parents' place, avoiding all the chaos. I admit I felt like absolute garbage for doing it this way. This woman I loved, or thought I loved, was probably standing there in her beautiful dress, in front of everyone, having to realize I wasn't coming. A part of me wanted to drive over and at least have a face-to-face confrontation, but I knew it would be a disaster with so many emotions and people around.

And frankly, I wasn't ready to face her or anyone. Later that day, after what would have been the reception start time, I finally turned my phone on to address the fallout. I had an avalanche of messages. Angry, confused, concerned, a mix of everything. My fiancé, or ex-fiance, I guess, had texted and called a million times. Her messages ranged from where are you? Please, I'm getting scared to how could you do this to me? And a lot of please answer, we can fix this.

I didn't respond to her at that point. I also had texts from her parents. It was overwhelming, so I made a blanket statement text to a few key people saying, I'm safe. I couldn't go through with the wedding. I'll explain when I'm ready. Then I turned the phone back off. I know, it's cowardly, but I just couldn't handle it right then.

My parents were supportive once I explained some of what happened. I told them I believed she cheated with a co-worker, but I discovered something unforgivable. I kept it a bit vague initially. They were shocked but immediately said I could stay as long as I need and that they're proud of me for not trapping myself in a bad marriage. It helped to have them in my corner, even though I'm still digesting everything. I haven't spoken to my ex-fiancee directly yet, and honestly I'm not sure what to say to her when I do. Part of me is furious at her for putting me in this position. If she hadn't betrayed me, none of this drama would have happened. But another part of me

does feel guilty for the way I walked away, basically leaving her to face everyone alone. It was a nuclear option, no doubt. I'm not exactly proud of it, but at the same time I feel a strange sense of relief that it's done. She made her choices, and I made mine. So that's where things stand immediately after the non-wedding. I'm camped out at my parents' house. She's tried to reach me and got my parents on the house phone once, but I asked them not to let me talk to her yet. I just need a little more time before I can deal with the confrontation. Maybe the that selfish or immature, but I'm emotionally spent. To everyone who urged me to put myself first and not go through with it, thank you. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I know in my

heart it was the right decision. I'll update again when I've gathered my thoughts and have more to say, like about the financial side of this mess, which I haven't even touched yet, and the aftermath with her family. For now, I'm just going to catch my breath and maybe sleep for about 14 hours straight. Update 2. I'm back with more context and aftermath. It's been a few days since the non-wedding. I've since had some actual conversations, with her, and with others, and there are a couple of things I realized I should clarify from my earlier posts. Emotions were running high, so I left out some details. First, about the $18,000 wedding cost, I saw a lot of comments about the money and asking if I could recoup anything.

Truth is, most of that wasn't even my money. I probably should have mentioned this, but I was heartbroken and not thinking straight when I wrote the original post. The majority of the wedding expenses were paid by her parents as a gift to us, really, to their daughter. Early on in planning, I offered to pay a sizable chunk, but her parents were very traditional and insisted on covering a lot of the big costs. They wired me a large sum a few months ago specifically for the venue and catering, telling me it was their contribution slash present.

So I used their money, plus some from my side for things like the DJ and the suit rentals, to pay vendors. My fiancé did not know her parents gave me that money. I suspect she thought I was paying for most of it, which might be one reason she thought I was a good catch financially. It's a bit of a tangled situation. Her parents wanted to surprise her by showing their support, and I didn't really advertise that fact to anyone. Now, all that money is basically up in smoke. Everything was pretty much non-refundable that close to the date. Venue, catering, photographer, all those balances were paid and are gone.

And you know what? I honestly don't care about the lost money. I know $18,000, actually closer to like $15,000. from her parents, $3,000 from me and my folks, is huge, but given the situation, money was the last thing on my mind when I noked out of the wedding. I wasn't about to stay in a possibly sham marriage just to avoid wasting cash. And since it wasn't mostly my cash, I guess it was easier to be cavalier about it. I haven't even checked with vendors about any possible partial refunds or anything. I figure that something her family might handle or will discuss later.

Right now, it's low priority behind the emotional fallout. Speaking of fallout, I did eventually talk to my ex-fiancee. Not in person yet, but over the phone. A couple days after the wedding day debacle, once I felt a bit more stable, I returned one of her dozens of calls. The conversation was intense, but strangely calm at times. She was obviously upset. She changed between crying and sounding angry slash confused. She asked me how I could humiliate her and her family like that, why I didn't at least warn her beforehand.

I stayed pretty firm and said something like, you know why I know about you and John. She got quiet and tried to deny any infidelity. It's not what you think. Nothing physical happened, etc. I told her it doesn't matter. An emotional affair or whatever you want to call what she had with him is a betrayal and I can't marry someone I don't trust. She kept saying she was sorry that it was just a stupid friendship that crossed a few lines because she was feeling stressed about the wedding. She claims I was working a lot and not as emotionally available in recent months, so she ended up confiding in this co-worker.

Maybe there's some truth in that. I was pulling long hours at work to save up and also prepare for taking honeymoon time off. But still, running to another man for emotional support and calling me by his name. unacceptable. She insisted she never intended to leave me or replace me, and that marrying me was still what she wanted. I replied, wanted me for what, my money? Is it sure as hell doesn't feel like love when you're whispering some other guy's name? That made her angry and she swore it wasn't about money at all. She said she loves me, but I shot back that if she really loved me, she wouldn't have disrespected me by basically having an emotional boyfriend on the side.

The call ended with her begging me to meet in person to talk, and me saying I needed more time. I also flat out told her, the wedding is off. For good. I'm not reconsidering that. She started sobbing again before we hung up. It was rough to hear. To be honest. Despite it all, I hate that it got to this point. Over the next day or so, she sent a few texts essentially apologizing and explaining herself.

In summary, she says nothing physical ever happened with John, and that she realizes she crossed boundaries by getting so emotionally invested in a work friend. She admitted that she was texting him behind my back and sharing feelings she should have been sharing with me. Apparently he had been having relationship issues of his own, I guess he has a girlfriend, and they bonded over mutual events. When it just got out of hand, she said calling me his name was a horrible mistake that jolted her into realizing she'd messed up. In one text she wrote, I was going to confess everything to you after the honeymoon, I just didn't want to ruin the wedding and figured we could work through it.

That honestly made me shake my head. Like, she thought I'd be cool finding out after the fact. Or maybe she just didn't want to lose the wedding and gifts, who knows? I haven't responded to most of those texts. I read them multiple times though, trying to understand her mindset. From her perspective, she was lonely slash stressed and made a connection with someone else but still wanted our life together. She keeps saying I'm the one she wants to marry, that I'm stable, loving, and we have history,

whereas this coworker thing was a fleeting emotional fling that she regrets. It's like she's trying to downgrade what she did because it wasn't physical. But to me, the damage is done. is broken. Now, on to her parents, because oh boy, that's another aspect. As you can imagine, her mom and dad did not take kindly to me ghosting their daughter on the big day they paid for. Her dad tried calling me that evening, probably to chew me out or demand an explanation, but I didn't pick up. Before wrapping up this update, I want to note, I'm still camping at my parents' house. I've taken off work for the week, thankfully my boss is understanding.

I just told him the wedding was cancelled due to irreconcilable issues and he didn't pry. I haven't been back to the apartment my ex and I share, but I'll have to soon to sort out my stuff. She's been staying at her parents since the wedding fiasco, I believe, so at least I won't run into her if I swing by to grab more of my belongings. We'll have to figure out the living situation later. The lease is in both our names and still has a few months on it. That's the boring stuff I haven't had energy to tackle yet. Emotionally, I'm... Okay, I guess. Numb but okay.

I'm angry when I really think about the betrayal, but also somewhat relieved I dodged a bullet. I stand by my choice to call it off. Even if she didn't sleep with this guy, the fact that she had it in her to two-time me emotionally up to the wedding is a sign that something was deeply wrong. I deserve someone who truly loves me and only me when we're about to get married, not someone whose mind is on another man.

Update 3. I finally had a direct conversation with her parents and let them know exactly why I bailed. The outcome was pretty explosive, but not in the way I initially expected. A couple days after the non-wedding, once I had calmed down a bit, I decided I owed her family an explanation. They had been nothing but nice to me throughout our relationship. and as I mentioned, they contributed a lot financially. I figured they deserved to know that I didn't just abandon their daughter on a whim or due to cold feet, there was a concrete reason.

Also, selfishly, I didn't want them hating me more than they probably already did. At that point I suspected my ex hadn't told them the full truth about why I left, if she was even admitting any fault at all. So I arranged to meet her parents in person. I drove down to their house, with my own mom accompanying me for support, and maybe as a witness in case things went south. When we arrived, her mom opened the door and I could see she'd been crying. Her dad was visibly angry, arms crossed, that whole thing. It was awkward as hell.

We sat down in their living room, and I just laid it out. I apologized for the pain and embarrassment caused, then I told them their daughter had been carrying on an emotional affair with a coworker, and that three days before the wedding I discovered enough to convince me I couldn't marry her. I described the name-slip incident. I also mentioned other signs, the secret of texting, how I suspected she wasn't in it for the right reasons. I tried to be as matter of fact and calm as possible, this wasn't about trashing her,

just explaining why I did what I did. To my surprise, her parents' reaction shifted from anger at me to anger at her pretty quickly. Her mom's face just fell, like pure disappointment. Her dad's anger kind of redirected, he started asking specific questions. Which coworker? For how long? How do you know it wasn't just stress? I answered what I could.

I admitted I didn't have proof of physical cheating, but it was enough. I even showed them one of the texts she had sent me afterward where she effectively admitted she caught feelings for the guy but said it meant nothing. So yeah, I basically dropped my ex-fiancee in the Greece, but I felt they needed the truth. I also told them that I suspected she thought of me as a financial safety net more than a true love, which is why she was still eager to marry me despite her feelings being elsewhere. That was my interpretation, anyway. Her mother started sobbing at that, and her father.

He lost it in a different way. He got quiet, which is scarier than yelling, honestly, and you could see the realization hitting that not only was his money wasted, but his daughter betrayed the commitment. He said something like, we gave her everything for this wedding, and this is how she repays everyone. There was definitely a strong vibe that he considered her behavior a personal betrayal to them, not just to me. At one point her dad apologized to me, which I did not expect. He said he was sorry that I went through this and that he understood why I made the choice to leave. Her mom said she was ashamed and that I didn't deserve what

happened. It was honestly kind of heartbreaking. I felt a bit guilty seeing how devastated they were, they truly had been looking forward to this wedding. They also mentioned that many of their relatives who flew and had to go home confused and disappointed. I made it clear to them that I did not blame them at all, in fact I thanked them for being so generous and kind to me. I also, for good measure, said I intend to pay them back some of the money they gifted for the wedding when I'm able, at least the portion that wasn't used or maybe whatever I can recover. They waived that off for now, but I meant it. They've always treated me like family, and I feel horrible about how it ended.

Here's the kicker, while I was there, my ex-fiance herself showed up. Turns out she was staying at a friend's place that day but her mom had texted her that I was over. So she drove over, possibly thinking there was a chance to reconcile or at least talk face to face. She walked in and froze seeing me and my mom sitting with her folks. Her dad immediately lit into her, demanding to know if what I said was true. She started getting defensive, saying I was exaggerating and that it was just a friendship. That didn't fly. I rarely saw her dad raise his voice in all the years I knew them.

But he did now, he yelled something like, We spent all this money and you couldn't keep your damn focus on your fiancé. He was red in the face. It was an ugly, ugly scene. My ex got angry back at her parents, saying it wasn't their business and that I shouldn't have involved them. She said, this was between me and him. But her dad wasn't having that. Between you two.

You realize half the town knows you got left at the altar, and now we find out it's because you couldn't be loyal. At that point I stood up and said maybe we should leave so they can talk privately. My ex then turned to me and screamed, you had no right to tell them. This was humiliating enough. I responded, they had every right to know why all this happened. I'm not going to lie for you. She was crying and yelled, you're no saint.

You handled this like a coward. Honestly, I just shook my head and said, maybe I did, but it doesn't change what you did first. My mom tugged my arm indicating we should go, and we did, leaving my ex-fiancee alone with her fuming parents. So that was, intense. Not exactly how I envisioned closure, but it happened. Later that evening, her father called me. He told me that he and her mom had a talk with their daughter after we left.

According to him, she finally broke down and admitted to an emotional affair, at least. She apparently tried to minimize it, saying again it was never physical, but who knows, but they were having none of it. Her dad sounded both angry and deeply sad. He said, I don't know where we went wrong with her. I tried to console him, saying sometimes people make mistakes and lose their way, I wasn't trying to make them feel like bad parents. He then said something that shocked me, they told her they're done with her for now.

Essentially, they're so furious and disappointed that they told her to not speak to them for a while. They even suggested she stay elsewhere indefinitely, I guess she was supposed to move back in with them for a bit after the wedding until we figured out our living situation. They're cutting her off financially as well, from what he implied. I don't know all the details of their arrangement, but I do know they had helped her with occasionally, like paying her car insurance, etc. He said, she has to learn that actions have consequences. I just listened, it wasn't really my place to comment, but inside I was like, wow, that's some heavy fallout. I won't lie, there was a grim sense of justice hearing that.

My ex basically brought this on herself and now even her parents are fed up. It's sad, but this was the satisfying karma I think some of you predicted. She not only lost me, but she burned her relationship with her mom and dad, at least for now, and lost the huge investment they put into a wedding that never happened. Not to mention the hit to her reputation among friends slash family who inevitably now know why the wedding was cancelled, I didn't make a public announcement or anything, but word spreads, apparently her own cousin knows and has been gossiping. As for me, her dad actually said I'm welcome to call or visit them anytime, and that they

consider me family even if I'm not their son-in-law. That was touching, I doubt I'll be hanging out regularly or anything, but I appreciated the sentiment. He also half-jokingly said, Don't worry about the damn money, it's not your problem. She can explain to us one day why she wasted it. So I guess they're eating the cost and not holding me responsible. I still feel a bit bad about it, but at least they don't seem to hate me. At this point, the emotional affair is fully in the open and everyone relevant knows why the wedding blew up. My ex has gone relatively quiet, aside from that blow-up at her parents' house, she hasn't tried to contact me again since.

I think she knows there's not much left to say. Maybe she's busy dealing with her parents or, who knows, maybe turning to John for comfort now. I'm feeling more at peace now that the truth is out to all parties. It's like a weight off me, I don't have to hide the reason or protect her feelings. It's all on the table. It's unfortunate that it went down in such a dramatic way, but hey, better now than after vows and legal bindings, right? I hope you enjoy this story. Partner insisted that the mark on her neck resulted from colliding with a wardrobe at the office during overtime, prompting me to enlist the services of a detective.

The information uncovered by the investigator had devastating consequences. Marriages and two careers overnight. My girlfriend and I have been together three years. Lately she's been working late constantly, and a lot of things just aren't adding up. I'm starting to get a really bad feeling about it. Some things just feel off lately. She started guarding her phone like Fort Knox. She used to leave it around, now it's always on her, silenced, and face down.

There are frequent last-minute overtime evenings or late work meetings popping up, often multiple times a week. This was never a thing before. Little inconsistencies have crept into her stories. For example, she said she was stuck late helping on a project deadline, but a co-worker friend mentioned the project was finished last week. When I asked her about it later, she just mumbled something and changed the subject. She's been more distant at home. We barely have date nights anymore because she's exhausted, and even our usual Netflix and chill routine has dwindled. I initially thought maybe she was just stressed or tired from work, but my gut says it's more than that. And then tonight happened, the biggest red flag yet.

She came home around 11.30 p.m., supposedly from the office, and I noticed a faint purplish mark on her neck, right near her collarbone. It definitely looked like a hickie. When I pointed it out, she immediately brushed it off, like, oh, that. It's from bumping into a cabinet at work. I just stared at her, because come on. A round bruise on her neck from a cabinet? I asked how on earth a cabinet hit her there and she got really defensive. She insisted it was just an accident while cleaning the supply room, and then acted offended

that I didn't believe her. I didn't push it further right then. I was this close to calling BS, but I backed off because I honestly don't have any proof and I didn't want to spark a huge fight without evidence. She went to take a shower, conveniently avoiding more questions, and I'm now sitting here with my mind racing. That Mark 100% looked like a hickie to me. Her story makes no sense, and combined with all the sketchy late nights. I'm really starting to think she might be cheating on me. The worst part is I don't even know who it could be. She does have a work best friend, I'll call him Mark, M., around our age.

I've met him a few times at happy hours and group hangouts and he seemed like a nice, normal guy, he's married, even introduced me to his wife at a company party once. I never thought anything of their friendship, but now this nagging feeling in my gut is wondering if something could be going on there. He's the person she's always mentioning from work, and I realize now a lot of these late nights she's attributed to working on projects with Mark. Of course, it could be someone else entirely or I could be paranoid. But I don't think I am. I haven't looked through her phone or done any spying yet. I really don't want to be that guy, but I also don't want to be an idiot with my head in the sand. I feel stuck because if I accuse her and I'm wrong, I'll look like a jealous jerk.

But if I ignore this and she is cheating, then I'm the fool. So yeah, I'm turning to you all for advice. How do I handle this? Do I confront her outright about my suspicions? Do I try to gather proof first and how? I've never dealt with anything like this before. The cabinet hickie excuse is just ridiculous and I don't buy it at all, but she's doubling down. I don't have concrete proof of cheating, just a bunch of red flags.

Any suggestions on what to do next? I love this girl and the idea that she might be running around with someone else, maybe even that coworker friend, is making me feel sick. I'm not about to accuse her without evidence, but I also don't want to ignore my gut. I could really use some outside perspective here. Update 1, the overwhelming advice was, get solid proof before doing anything. A lot of you suggested things like checking her phone, showing up at her work, or even hiring a private investigator. I decided to go the pie route, since I wanted something I could 100% count on and I honestly didn't trust myself to stay rational if I tried to catch her on.

my own. I found a licensed private investigator through a friend of a friend. We met and I gave him all the info, my girlfriend's work schedule, her routines, the specific days she'd claimed to work late recently, and yes, I mentioned the co-worker mark that I had a hunch about. The Pai agreed to follow her on a couple of those evenings. Well, I just got the Pyes report back, and it's pretty much the worst case scenario. He caught everything. The highlights of what he found. She and Mark have been meeting at hotels. On two of the nights she told me she was working late, the Pye followed her from her office to a hotel across town.

He got time stamps and photos of them checking into a room together. One of those nights was the very Tuesday she claimed to have a late client meeting. Instead, there's a photo of her and Mark in the hotel parking lot, with his arm around her. There were dinner dates too. Another time, the Pye saw them meet up at a restaurant after work. They had a cozy dinner in a corner booth, then drove in Mark's car to yet another hotel. The Pye snapped a picture of them making out next to his car in the parking lot. So much for just co-workers. It's been going on for months.

Based on the evidence, different dates, the Pies notes, etc., this affair didn't just start last week. It looks like it's been happening regularly for at least four months. Possibly longer, but there's solid proof of meetup spanning the last. last eight weeks. So yeah. I have all the proof I needed and then some. When I saw the photos, my heart just sank and my blood boiled. It's one thing to suspect, but seeing it spelled out in images was brutal. On the plus side, it meant I could confront her with zero wiggle room for BS. Confrontation went down last night. I waited until she got home, around 7 p.m., normal time for once, and I told her straight up, we need to talk now.

She looked a bit alarmed by my tone. We sat down in the living room and I just came out with, I know you haven't been working late. I know you've been seeing Mark outside of work. At first she played dumb, what are you talking about? Mark is just a friend. I expected that. That's when I pulled out my phone and showed her one of the Pye's photos, the clearest one of her and Mark kissing by his car.

Her eyes went huge and she went silent, like she'd seen a ghost. I said, do you want to explain this to me? She started with it's not what it looks like. Classic cheater line. I told her it looks like exactly what it is, her meeting up with Mark, a married man, at a hotel and making out with him. Unless she has some insane explanation like they were rehearsing a play or it's her long-lost twin in the photo, there's no wriggling out of this.

At that point, the floodgates opened. She started crying and apologizing, saying she was so sorry that I had to find out this way. But then she kept insisting that it was only an emotional affair. According to her, yes, she developed feelings for Mark and they were hanging out outside of work, but she swears they never slept together. She claims they did kiss, can't deny the photo, but allegedly it didn't go further than that physically. She kept saying we just needed a private place to talk, that's why we got a hotel room, nothing happened. And that my friends was the dumbest shit I have ever heard to date.

I told her I do not believe that for a second. Two grown adults do not carry on a secret affair for months, sneak away to hotels, make out in cars, and then draw the line at just talking. It's absurd. She tried to maintain that lie for a bit, but eventually she admitted that it only happened a few times. Which basically confirms that it did happen, she was a complete mess at this point, crying, saying she never meant to hurt me, that I've been an amazing boyfriend, blah, blah, blah. Then she started trying to explain why it happened. According to her, she and Mark just grew close working together and he understood her and they clicked. She said she'd been feeling lonely because I've been so busy with my own work, for context, I have been extra busy the last few months,

true, but not to the point of neglecting her from my perspective. She basically tried to put some of the blame on the fact that I wasn't around as much or that I was emotionally distant. I shut that down real quick. I told her nope, her feeling a bit lonely is no excuse to start sneaking around with Mark. She had plenty of options, talk to me about how she felt, suggests couples' therapy, hell, even break up with me if she truly wasn't happy. But cheating and lying for months is not how a mature adult handles things. She made that choice, and that's on her. She then tried to pivot to saying Mark had been having problems in his marriage and she was supporting him and one thing led to another. Again, not an excuse for what she did. I asked if Mark's wife knows any of this. She said no,

he always told her he'd handle his situation in his own time. In other words, he was stringing her along with promises that he'd leave his wife, I'm guessing, by this point, I'd heard her. I'd heard, enough. I told her straight up that she broke my trust and I don't see any way back from this. She kept begging me to please, please not make any decisions right now and to give her a chance to prove she can fix this. She actually asked if we could do couples counseling. I laughed a bit and said, are you serious? You want me to go to counseling with you while you're still lying to my face about sleeping with another man? No chance. I was honestly calmer than I expected, probably because I had days to stew on this while the pie did his thing.

Mostly, I was just tired. I told her I'm going to crash at a friend's place for a bit because I can't even look at her right now. I packed a quick bag, told her not to contact me unless it's something important, and I left. So that's where things stand. I'm at my buddy's house for the last day or so, trying to process all of this.

I haven't officially broken up with her in a clear-cut we are done statement, but it's honestly where my head is at. I just need a little time to cool off and plan stuff. We share an apartment, finances, etc. I'll update again when I've sorted out the next steps. To everyone who told me to trust my gut and get evidence, thank you. You all were spot on. This sucks, but at least I know the truth now and I'm not going to live in denial.

Update 2. Well, I've had a bit of time to collect myself, and there's no easy way to put this. I broke up with her. It's done. I think it was basically done the moment I saw those photos, but I needed a couple days to get my affairs in order, no pun intended, and figure out how to actually leave myself.

I went back to the apartment while she was at work, or wherever, with a couple of friends to help, and I packed up all my essential stuff. I've officially moved out and am staying with a close friend for now. We're both on the apartment lease. But I told her she can take over it or will work out ending it early, I honestly don't care, I just want it out of there. I took anything truly mine, furniture I bought, etc., and left her the rest. She didn't contest it, in fact, she wasn't there, which made it way easier for me.

I left my keys on the kitchen counter along with a short note basically saying, I'll come back for the rest of my stuff later. We're done. Do not contact me unless it's about logistics. Maybe not the most gentle note ever, but I think I'm past the point of worrying about niceties. Since then, she has been contacting me, a lot, actually, but none of it about logistics. She's been calling and texting every day, multiple times. At first I ignored most of it, but I did answer one of her calls late at night,

mostly out of morbid curiosity. She was sobbing on the phone, saying she made the biggest mistake of her life and that she's so sorry. She said she doesn't even know why she did it, that she's felt so awful since I left. She kept saying she loves me and that she'll do anything to fix this. I listened silently for a while, and then calmly told her it's over and she needs to accept that. That only made her cry more, and then she started talking about Mark, how he was just using me and nothing he said was real. She basically threw him under the bus, not that I care.

According to her, Mark had told her all these sweet nothings like he'd leave his wife for her, that he and his wife were basically finished, etc. as she admitted that she fell for it and thought he genuinely wanted a future with her. But as soon as everything blew up, he totally ghosted her. She said he's been avoiding her at work and he won't return any of her calls or texts now. I can't say I'm surprised. Of course a cheating married dude is going to run for cover when things get messy. He got what he wanted and now he's trying to save his own skin.

She sounded absolutely miserable about it on the phone, like not only did she lose me, but she realizes this guy she blew up her life for isn't even there for her. I'll be honest, a part of me internally was like, well, what the hell did you expect? But I didn't even have the energy to say that. I just told her, I'm sorry you're hurting, but you did this to yourself. I didn't do this to you, you did. She kept saying she knows and she's an idiot and she regrets it all. She even actually said, he told me he was going to leave his wife for me.

I was so stupid to believe it, and I wish I could take it back. I just replied, yeah, you were stupid. I hope it was worth it, because you threw us away for nothing. Probably not the kindest response, but I was not feeling particularly sympathetic at that moment. I did also add that even if Mark had left his wife, What did she think would happen? That I'd just stick around as plan B? The whole situation is absurd.

After that, I basically told her I had to go and hung up. She texted me a wall of text afterward. Basically an essay of apologies and self-loathing and more pleased to talk. I didn't respond. I've made myself clear. There's no fixing this. I think she's finally starting to realize that I truly am done, but she's still trying every avenue.

She even emailed me a handwritten letter, like took a photo of a letter she wrote, where she professes her love and says she'll never forgive herself and will wait for me if there's even a 1% chance in the future. It's all very dramatic. I haven't replied to any of that. On the practical side of things, we've communicated just a little about the lease and bills. She's agreed to take over the next month's rent while we figure out how to formally remove me from the lease.

I think she knows she's in no position to argue after what she did. Luckily, we never merged finances or anything, so it's mostly just splitting up a few shared accounts, streaming services, phone plan, etc., which I've already started transferring. I made sure to change all my passwords too, just in case. So the untangling is going relatively smoothly, all things considered. Emotionally? It's a mixed bag, but I'm hanging in there.

Anger has been outweighing the sadness for now, which frankly makes it easier to move on. I have moments where it really hits me, like, wow, three years down the drain just like that. But then I remember the image of her and Mark together, and any thought of missing her just gets replaced by anger and disappointment. I'm leaning on friends and family, who have been amazing. I'm honestly blessed with the people in my life. My buddy whose couch I'm crashing on has been a saint listening to my rants and keeping his stocked with beer. My mom knows something went down, I told my parents a PG version of events, and she's been supportive too, albeit in full I never liked that girl anyway mode now.

So yeah, I'm single now, crashing at a friend's place, and in the process of moving on with life. It's rough, but I'll survive. There's absolutely zero chance I'll ever take her back. I told her that plainly. Cheating is an instant deal breaker for me, no matter how much someone begs. She made her choice, now she can live with it. Thanks again to everyone who gave me advice and perspective. It really helped me stick to my guns. I'll update again if anything noteworthy happens, the way things are going, the drama might not be over yet. But if not, I'll just say I'm glad I found out now and not later. On to better things. Side note, some of y'all suggested I let Mark's wife know about the affair.

I haven't done that yet. Still debating it, part of me feels like it's the right thing to do. Another part of me is exhausted and just wants to wash my hands of this whole mess. I might see how things play out a bit, but I haven't forgotten about her. She deserves to know the truth, I agree. I'm just trying to get through one day at a time here, update three. Time for another update and oh boy, the drama did continue, just not directly with me this time, thank goodness. If the last update was the fall out of our relationship, this one is the fall out of their workplace situation. It's a mess, though a somewhat satisfying one. So, remember Mark avoiding my ex at work and basically ghosting her? That situation blew up spectacularly.

I heard about most of this through acquaintance who still works with them, let's call him Dan, as well as a bit from my ex herself via a final text she sent. Here's what went down. Apparently my ex did not take being cast aside quietly. She tried to talk to Mark at work multiple times, and he kept giving her the cold shoulder. Finally, about a week ago, she straight up confronted him in the office after hours. From what Dan told me, they ended up having a huge shouting match in one of the conference rooms. This is after most people had left, but a few were still around and heard everything. Mark was basically telling her to leave him alone and that she needed to.

to move on. She, on the other hand, was yelling that he promised to leave his wife for her and that he lied to her and used her. So yeah, their private dirty laundry got aired in front of a couple co-workers. Not a great look in a professional environment. Security actually had to escort them out because the argument was so heated. And of course, HR got wind of the whole thing almost immediately. The company doesn't officially have a rule against co-workers dating, though Mark is married, that's not a work policy issue per se, but causing a scene at work is definitely a problem. The end result, my ex-girlfriend got fired. According to Dan, management decided that her behavior was inappropriate and disruptive enough to terminate her. She was relatively lower on the totem pole

and, to be blunt, easier to cut loose. Mark, as far as I know, did not lose his job. I'm sure he's in hot water and likely got a serious warning, but he's been with the company longer and I suspect he tried to play it off as she wouldn't leave me alone and she went crazy. My ex actually texted me using Facebook. Apparently I hadn't blocked her there yet. Fuck me, after this happened.

A message basically saying she got fired because of Mark and asking if I'd talk to her because she's going through a really hard time. She literally wrote, I lost everything because of him and I don't know what to do. It's like she's still not fully connecting that her own choice is led here. Sure, Mark is a scumbag too, but no one forced her to cheat or to freak out on him at work.

I didn't give her much beyond a short response. I told her I'm sorry she's going through a tough time, but I am not the person to comfort her. I suggested she lean on family or non-me friends. Basically, I shut down any notion of meeting up or talking further. I have sympathy for the fact that she's in a rough spot, but that's literally because of her. I wasn't cruel, I just maintained a boundary. She replied once more apologizing for everything and said she understands.

And that's the last I've heard from her in a few days. I think she's finally going to leave me be now. In summary, here's where things stand for her. she destroyed her relationship with me, her affair blew up in her face, Mark bailed on her, and now she's destroyed her job as well. The trifecta of self-inflicted losses. To top it off, she had to move out of our apartment. Obviously after I left, she was on her own paying the rent, and without a job now, that wasn't going to last. She ended the lease and has moved back in with her parents two hours away. Dan told me her desk at work has been cleared out and someone heard she left

town. She pretty much noped out of the city in shame. I don't revel in someone losing their livelihood, but I'd be lying if I said it doesn't feel a bit like poetic justice. She chose to have an affair with a co-worker and then chose to cause a meltdown at work when it fell apart. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes, I guess. As for Mark, he's still employed, for now. For now, but his life isn't exactly peachy either. From what I gather, everyone at the office knows some version of what happened. Rumors are all over. He's keeping his head down, but apparently a lot of colleagues lost respect for him. Dan says people gossip about how he cheated on his wife and basically ruined a co-worker's career. Even if management didn't fire him, he's definitely tarnished there. And frankly, I wouldn't be shocked if he quietly exits the job in the near future.

Office scandal like that tends to follow you, now, the big piece of the puzzle still unresolved, Mark's wife. To my knowledge at this point, she still hasn't been directly told by anyone about the affair. It's hard to say if she suspects something or if rumors have reached her. My exes blow-up at work didn't involve the wife directly, and I doubt Mark went home and fessed up voluntarily. So I'm guessing she's still in the dark, which really sucks. After seeing how everything went down, I've pretty much decided I will let Mark's wife know myself. I know I wavered on this in my last update, but seeing neither of those two cheaters have the decency to come clean to her. Yeah, she deserves to know. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I just let her be lied to.

I have all the evidence ready. I'm going to reach out to her soon. I actually found her contact on Facebook but haven't hit send yet. I will, though. That will likely be the final shoe to drop, and I'll update one last time once I've done it. I'm not doing it out of revenge, okay, maybe a tiny bit of petty satisfaction. I'm human, mostly I just feel she should know what kind of man she's married to. She didn't deserve any of this. Mark doesn't deserve to get off Scott Free on the home front after the chaos he caused. On my end, I'm doing.

Okay, actually. It's weird to say, but once I got past the initial shock and anger, I've been feeling more at peace. The more crap that happens to them, the more it reaffirms that I made the right choice to walk away. My life is actually drama-free now, and I'm appreciating that fact. I wake up, go to work, hang with friends, hit the gym, play video games, whatever, and no knots in my stomach. No wondering what lie I'm being told today. It's a relief. I've started looking for a new apartment of my own.

Crashing with my buddy has been great and I'm super grateful, but I'm itching to have my own space again. That's my next project, setting up a new home base for my new single life. In the meantime, I'm just taking it day by day. My friends have been dragging me out to socialize on weekends, which has been fun and reminds me that life goes on. Anyway, I'll be back with one final update once I've spoken to Mark's wife and let that situation play out. Almost there, folks. Thank you again for all the support and for following along this wild ride. It's been cathartic to share, and I genuinely appreciate the straight talk and encouragement from this community. Update 4, hey everyone, time to tie up the loose ends with a final update.

A bit has happened since the last post, and I'm happy to report that karma did indeed come full circle. Shortly after my last update, I went through with informing Mark's wife about the affair. A lot of you urged me to do it and I agreed she deserved the truth. I ended up sending her a message on Facebook. I found her profile through a bit of sleuthing. We have no direct connection, but I kind of knew her name from when I met her at a work event long ago. My message was respectful and brief. I said I was a stranger to her, but I had critical information about her husband, Mark. I mentioned that I had been in a relationship with someone who worked with Mark, and I discovered they'd been having an affair.

I offered to provide proof and left my cell number, suggesting a call might be easier to discuss. She called me the next day. That was one of the harder conversations I've had, telling a nice lady that her husband has been cheating on her with my ex. She was actually very composed at first, which kind of surprised me. I basically gave her the rundown, the time frame, at least her. four months that I know of, the fact that they met up at hotels, so yes, it was physical, and that I had photo evidence from a pie. She didn't cry on the phone or anything.

She went quiet for a bit, then asked me to send whatever proof I had to her email. I emailed her all the incriminating photos and even a screenshot of a text my ex had sent me ages ago mentioning she was out with Mark, just more context. When she got the evidence, that's when her emotions poured out. She thanked me through. tears for telling her. She said I had a feeling something was off, but I never had proof and he swore everything was fine. She also told me this wasn't the first time Mark had crossed lines in their marriage. Apparently, there were a couple of prior incidents of inappropriate texting with female co-workers, but he'd always downplayed those and promised to change. This was the

final straw for her. I mostly just listened and reiterated that I was sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I thought she should know. We ended the call on as positive a note as possible. I wished her the best and she did the same for me. Well, that info hit Mark's life like a nuclear bomb, as it should. A week later, Mark himself actually sent me a text basically saying I hope you're happy, you told my wife and now she's leaving me. Was this revenge? You've ruined my life, dude. L.O.L. I didn't engage with him beyond a one-line reply. No, you ruined your life. I just told the truth. Now leave me alone. Then I blocked his number. Through the grapevine, Dan, and company, I've learned that Mark's wife indeed kicked him out and is filing for divorce.

Apparently she's already met with a lawyer. She's not messing around. Good for her. I have I also heard Mark is on thin ice at work now too, not necessarily because he had an affair. The company doesn't police that outside of how it affected the workplace, but because the whole ordeal and his now upcoming divorce have become a huge distraction. He's taking a bunch of personal days and seems to be a complete wreck at the office when he is there. There are even rumors he's looking to transfer or quit. In short, his personal and professional life are in shambles. I can't say I have any pity left for the guy. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes, he earned this.

As for my ex-girlfriend, I don't have much new info on her since she moved away. I know through a mutual friend that she's living at her parents' place and trying to reset. She's apparently looking for new jobs in a different field, maybe because her old industry in our city is a small world and her reputation took a hit. We haven't spoken at all since that last text I mentioned in update 3. I have her blocked on everything now. Last I heard, she's been pretty depressed about how everything turned out. I'm not gloating over that. I do hope she sorts herself out and maybe learns from this disaster. But that's no longer any concern of mine. I hope you enjoy this

story. Partner who had never displayed controlling behavior previously unexpectedly imposed a restriction on when I had to return home from a Halloween event, and suggested that if I disagreed with I should find another place to live, so I decided to depart. When my family came to get my stuffy threatened them with a pew, pew. My boyfriend, 25M, and I, 23F, have been together for over five years and have lived together for 1.5 years now. For context, I was getting ready to go to a Halloween potluck with some of my girlfriends and their respective boyfriends. When I was getting ready, my BF began discussing the idea of a curfew with me, explaining that no one.

woman should be out late because nothing good happens late into the night and that I shouldn't be out till 3 a.m. I explained that I don't want to be out that long, but the idea of him putting a curfew on me made me uncomfortable. He told me that unless he is physically there with me, I, a female, shouldn't be out of the house late and at a party. I told him there is no need for him to be this controlling with me and that I was confused, since he had never done anything like this before. I go to social events pretty regularly, but rarely go to parties like this, maybe once every three months. He was also invited twice to come to this party with me and declined. I asked my BF why he's saying all this, and he said that, I have standards.

These are my standards. If you don't like them, you don't have to live with me anymore. I'm not budging on this. And then explained that, now I expect you home at 1 a.m. because you're pissing me off. but I should be saying 11 p.m. This freaked me out. I packed a bag, left to my parents' house, and haven't been back since. I don't know what to do from here. I want to emphasize he's never done anything like this before, which really threw me off and hence why I'm asking for advice on an internet forum. I left the house crying and upset and my BF hasn't reached out in over 72 hours

to check in or initiate a chat. Ideally, I would like a conversation to be started by him, but I'm convinced my BF has no shame for his actions and believes I am the one in the wrong. Please let me know what you, an unbiased random internet stranger, thinks about this situation. I love the relationship my BF and I have built together, but this seems like a huge red flag to me. Comments where O.P. has replied, commenter one, it kind of sounds like he instigated this in order to cause a breakup. So after five years dating and 1.5 years living together he announces a new standard to force you to move out of his place? I assume this was his place and you moved in with him. Weird, and pretty rotten of him. I'm awfully sorry this is happening to you, but sounds like he

dreamed this up to give you the boot. Oop, yes, his parents own the place, but we both pay rent on it. Just not an official lease or anything. It genuinely didn't feel like he was trying to give me the but more like he wasn't going to relent on this new standard of his, and that our place of living is something in his control, which is what he wanted in this situation. Commenter too, I think he's got another girlfriend, and he's trying to make you break up with him so she can move in. Who is he hanging out with when he refuses to join you at a party? If he's not cheating, he's trying to break up so he doesn't have to get all those pesky. When are you going to marry her?

Questions. But do leave this relationship. He's a dude. Oop, he's definitely not cheating. 100% certainty. He's more introverted where parties and dressing up aren't his thing. Which is totally fine with me, but it feels like he wants me to be more like that when I'm not. Commenter 3, I'm going to deviate from the pattern here and ask, what sorts of media does he enjoy?

Has he recently started listening to new podcasts or watching new creators on YouTube? To me, this sounds an awful lot. like a recently radicalized hater taught or passport bro type guy. Oop, honestly, I have no idea. I think this is a great question to ask, though, and could contribute to why his actions are suddenly changing. Update, July 7, 2025. I never expected my original post would receive so much attention.

All of the events listed below occurred eight months ago, around the time of the OG post. This update is not easy for me to write, but I am moving out of state next week, and want to put this out to finally lay this chapter of my life to rest. The argument from the post occurred on Saturday late afternoon. I posted to Reddit a few days later after I hadn't heard from M25. By Wednesday, I placed an order for a small U-Haul truck to move out the following Saturday, the soonest time my family could help, but I still hadn't heard from him. My family thought it best not to tell M-25 that I was coming to pick up my belongings

until the day of, because we were afraid he would destroy my things. M25 is an extreme minimalist, so all the furniture, decor, tools, etc., came 100% out of my pocket. At that point, I had thousands of dollars worth of belongings in there, and even more invaluable mementos. Anyways, Saturday comes around. Still hadn't heard anything on his end. I texted M25 that morning, telling him my parents were coming to remove my belongings and to please be out of the house while they did so. He texted me back, no stop telling me what to do.

At this point, he knows they're coming in exactly when. For my safety, I stayed home. When my parents get there, my mother knocks on the door. No answer. Doorbell. No answer. I texted her to go into the garage and see if M 25's vehicle is there. The garage opens, and he had thrown my belongings.

into the garage. Things were scattered about the garage floor. Whatever. They noted that his vehicle was there, though, so he must be inside. My family starts grabbing stuff from the floor and putting it into the truck. M25 comes out. My mother said he looked psychotic, almost. He doesn't do drugs and wasn't drinking for health reasons. But he looked off. When he came out, he made it very clear to my mother that he was holding a gun in his sweatpants pocket. He told them to get off his property. My mother asked him if he was all right. Remember, M25 and I had been together for a long time at this point. My family knows him well. This was all such strange behavior from him, and my mother was genuinely concerned. In response, he tells my mom, I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?

My mom asked if she could go inside and get the rest of my belongings. M25 says no. My mother reminds him that I have been without my essentials for a week now, medication, glasses slash contacts, work badge, underpants, and asks to step inside for five minutes to retrieve those things. He agrees. My mother walks into the house and sees an AR-57 setup in the kitchen, ready to go. She immediately turned around, told me.

I told everyone outside loading the truck to get in the car, and went home. I spent the next few hours trying to arrange a police escort for the rest of my belongings. In hindsight, we should have done it in the first place. As I was working with that, my mom called the homeowners, aka M 25's parents, who live two to three hours away. We tell them everything up to this point, and they're distraught. They say they're on their way. We received a call from the parents later that evening stating

that M25 is out of the house and being monitored back at their home. We moved everything out afterwards. I get a text from M25 that Sunday, where he essentially says that he didn't know I was breaking up with him. That he was waiting for me to reach out to him while he was reflecting on everything that happened, blah, blah. We went back and forth a bit, where I was telling him that he threatened my family and that I couldn't forgive him. He said he wanted to talk about everything, and I told him I wasn't ready for that.

I followed it up with a you should work on yourself, and if I want to talk, I'll reach out type of text. He responded with a bunch of okays and then, just don't fuck your ex-hate that guy. Heard really bad things about him. He's referring to himself here, since he's the only BF I've had. It was super strange and off-putting to receive a joking text like that when a few hours earlier he threatened my family with guns. I ignored him. He also sent an interesting apology to my mother. To me, it's a liability thing that his lawyer mother asked him to send.

Highlights included, I know you felt threatened by what you saw. And, there is no excuse for having guns out while people are present at my house. Seeing a gun, concealed or otherwise, in that sort of situation is enough to shock someone, especially those unfamiliar with these weapons. And, my parents agree and have asked me to give my gun. guns, up until I am more responsible and careful. He texted me again the next day, saying, I know I've acted nonchalant about things, and it's not a good habit. I can't continue to live in limbo. I hope you will come over and talk to me in person. False hope is not doing me any good.

I need to move on with my life. Where I responded, I do not want to give you false hope, but I'm not in a place of forgiveness. I think it's time that we continue to move. on with our separate lives. This is when he responds with, listen, come talk to me. I feel awful that I used your own love for me as a lever against you. I hate the person who did that to you and every day I try to bury that part of me. Lots to digest there. We exchanged a few more texts and I, naively, agreed to have a conversation in person. I would not have it at the house. It would be during the day. And it would be in public. I now understand that I should never have entertained this idea in the first place.

I was emotional and confused at that time. I had been with M. 25 for years at this point, and wanted clarity on what drove him to do this. I told him my availability to talk on a Thursday, and he said he wasn't sure if he was available but would let me know. I didn't hear back from him until Thursday at 8.15 p.m., when he asked, you still coming or no? A location hadn't been discussed. It was dark out. I suggested we meet the following morning. That's when he sends, 8.30 is late for you now? Followed by, I said your curfew was 1 a.m., so you're good and just get your ass over here and talk.

I am not going this 9 a.m. bullshit. Or I will put a scorpion in your bed. I responded and he texts back, I'm OMW. I'm sorry, you're what? At this point, I was in a new safe place and location. My mother was in location B and my father was in location C. I had to call everyone and let them know M25 was going to show up at one of their locations, since he knows where they both live. He showed up at location C, where my father was.

My father told me that he was scared for his safety and home. Luckily, nothing happened. M25 waited outside for a bit after texting me here and left. This whole night rattled me. I stayed up all night, scared he was going to show up at my mom's place next, or mine. I ignored his texts. He started to call. Left an eerily calm, cool, and collected voicemail wondering when we were going to chat.

Saying that if I wanted to have that conversation, I, F23 am, welcome to the house whenever. I texted him back, threatening a restraining order if he made contact again. A month later, he texted, hey, obviously what happened? I'm sorry I made you feel unsafe. That's not who I am as a person or who I would want to be. I wish you the best in whatever you do. And that is the last I've heard from him. All of this could have played out way worse.

I'm relieved for the safety of my family and my own. I'm fortunate enough to have gotten out when I did. And yes, I understand things could have been done different. on my end. I learned a lot about myself through this experience. I chose to text him 25 in the non-confrontational way I did for my safety. We live in a small community. I genuinely believe this man is dangerous and could harm my family, my dog, my friends, etc., if I angered him. We're all within a mile or two of each other, and he knows where to find all of them, and me, if he wanted to. Next story, Dad, and I got matching tattoos, but after he remarried he got the exact same style tattoo with his new family.

Then I found out my stepmother was manipulating him to cut me out of his life. My father, 41M, and my mother, 40F, divorced three years ago. I live with my mother. My father remarried a year ago. His wife has two children, 18F, 15M. Me, 18F. and my dad got a matching tattoo two years ago. It was a simple outline tattoo of a photo of us.

After my dad got married, things started to get a bit more distant between us because he started to spend more time with his new family. Besides that, I think he doesn't want to see me around them. I don't know why, after all, I've never treated his wife or stepchildren bad. Yesterday he refused to meet me on a weekend when we were supposed to spend time together

saying he was unavailable and he reposted a story him hanging out with his new family that. While looking at the photo I saw that he got a new tattoo on his arm. It was an outlined tattoo of a photo of him with his new family, just like the tattoo he got with me. Now I know that millions of people have these tattoos and it's not my original design. Still I'm disappointed that he got a tattoo with his new family in the same style as ours because I always thought the tattoo was special between us. Now I'm thinking of getting it covered or removed. I called my dad in the evening and asked him why he was hanging out with his family instead of meeting me. He said they planned it earlier which doesn't make sense because it was agreed in court after the divorce

that I could spend time with my dad every weekend. So we planned it earlier is a pretty bullshit excuse. He also knows that I'm totally okay with spending time with his family. When I told him that he said it's not that simple. I guess I'm too dumb to understand complicated things because he doesn't even try to explain it, L-O-L. Then I asked him why he got his new tattoo in the same style as ours. He said he didn't think it would be a problem for me. I told him you broke something special between us. How can you not realize that? I think I'm going to get my tattoo covered. You can do the same. In result, he thinks

I'm overreacting and I shouldn't be so selfish. My mom says what my dad did wasn't such a bad thing. She thinks we should sit down and talk, I'm not sure. Ida. Edit, tomorrow I will try to talk to my dad face to face. I hope to discuss openly about whatever the issues are between us and find a way out. I don't think my mind will change about the tattoo, but I will not rush to get it covered. Thank you for your advice. Update 1. This morning we had breakfast together and had a long talk.

It turned out that the problem all this time was my steps. He told me that she was struggling with the whole marriage. The reason he got the tattoo was to show her that he loves her as much as he loves me. He also said that she didn't feel at ease around me, which I was really surprised about. We hadn't fought once, and we hadn't even been together long enough to have any disagreements. That's why he didn't invite me that day. He wanted to be a good father figure in her life. Still, he said that I might get closer to my step-sister in time, who knows when he also said I can get my tattoo covered if I want, but he would never do that to his. For him, the tat still has the same special meaning. Honestly, it would really make me feel like an odd to get mine covered while he keeps his, I'm not sure what to do.

Lastly, the hardest thing for me was finding out that they were moving to another state. His wife got a better paying job and he's going to start a business with a friend there. He told me that he will be very busy with all the moving. but will spend as much time with me as possible until he moves. He also promised to visit me often after the move, which I don't think he'll be able to keep. I guess he's really moving into a part of his life where I'm not in it, and there's not much I can do about it.

Thank you all. Update 2 today my stepbrother replied to my story and we started talking. I told him about the latest things and he told me a lot of things I didn't know. He said that it's true his sister doesn't feel at ease around me, but she never said anything to my dad about not inviting me. In fact, her discomfort isn't so great that she couldn't stand to be in the same place with me. It was my stepmother who asked him not to invite me that day. And she came up with the whole idea of the tattoo he said his mom doesn't like my mom at all.

He's not sure if this is based on something or not. When I asked my mom about it, she said she never met that woman even once. I think her dislike for me comes from her baseless hatred for my mom and my dad played along with her also. I didn't mention here, but my dad told me they are moving in November. My stepbrother told me they are moving next week and that was the plan all along. He told me he is sorry for what happened to me and only told me these because he thought I had to know the truth. He also asked me not to let his mom know about this conversation. My dad wasn't really like that.

He was a good man. I mean, all those lies, cutting me out of his life, that's not like him. I don't understand why he turned into such a person, but I really don't want to talk to him once more to get it. He's moving away next week anyway I told my mom about this and asked her to call my dad, tell him that I would never see him again. My mother passed this on to him without mentioning the conversation. I also blocked my dad from everywhere. Soon I will get the tattoo covered. Love you.

Update 3, hi, I just log into this account and see people asking how I'm doing. I want to give a little update but it's not too cheerful. My dad really moved away that September, just before that he came to our house to talk but I couldn't confront him. Still I broke no contact. We ended up talking on the phone many times, he promised a lot that he would make things right between us. He would come to visit me and he didn't keep any of it. Two weeks ago I stopped talking to him again. I've also been going to therapy since the new year.

It's not only for my dad, I have other problems too. My therapist is really nice and she helps me a lot. Apart from all this, my life is actually pretty good. I have my mom and friends who are there for me. Lastly, I kept the tattoo. I couldn't make a final decision about what to do and I think it will stay like that for some time. I don't think I'll be posting another update later so please take care. Update 4, hey, this account randomly popped into my head and when I logged and I saw that some people still message me for an update.

First off the fact that I'm back here a year later kind of tells you life hasn't been super smooth, L.O.L. It's been a year full of mistakes. I failed some classes in college, got fired from my part-time job, and me and my roommate are struggling to pay rent. and yeah, I moved out. My relationship with my mom is still great, nothing new there. As for my dad some of you, the three people reading this, are probably going to be mad but I'm talking to him. It's hard to explain if you haven't met him but he's kind of one of those people who just has something about them. No matter how mad you are, he somehow finds a way back into your life.

Still a terrible dad, like really bad, but not going to lie he did help a little this year. I asked him for money like four or five times and he sent it twice, ha ha. The business he said he was going to start is actually doing pretty well. I follow their Insta page and I even made a few reels for them. One of them got over 100K views. I didn't get paid or anything but he complimented me. It's kind of embarrassing to admit but my relationship with my dad is low-key like a drug. When he says something nice it makes me happy, but then he always ends up doing something that

pisses me off again. I don't know how long this weird cycle will go on, but for now I guess I'm okay with it. And I feel guilty for even saying that by the way he said we might see each other in person this summer. Like just the two of us going on a little vacation for a week or something. I don't really believe it's going to happen but still a promise is a promise. Maybe it will, I'd call so I don't talk to my step siblings. Not in a dramatic way or anything. We just kind of naturally stopped communicating, not that we talked much anyway. Honestly, I don't really feel like reaching out. I hear stuff about them from my dad sometimes. I pretend to care but it goes in one ear and out the other. No clue what my dad's wife is up to either. He doesn't bring her up and I don't

ask. About the tattoo. It's still there. Turns out covering or removing a tattoo isn't as easy as it sounds. I'm not even a tattoo person, Tbh. If I could go back even if things were good with my dad, I wouldn't have gotten it. I think I'm just going to leave it for now unless they invent some pain-free five-minute removal tech, LOL. I know this probably isn't the kind of update most people were hoping for, but I'm not a movie character. Life's messy. Love you all. I hope you enjoy this story. Sever ties with my guardians after they prioritize their new companions over me and my niece, but now my father is experiencing heart issues and I am unsure of what to do. Forgive them before it's too late. This post will probably be long and I'll try not to ramble too much.

And hope that this post is easy to follow. But I'm not sure how to handle the situation at hand so I need advice. For context, my parents are swingers. I found out about them being swingers right after I graduated high school in 2016. I've never really had an opinion on the matter until recently. I don't care what they do behind closed doors, but I personally don't want to see it in person. I'm sure that makes me sound like a bad person, but I've always accepted them for who they are. It's honestly just really weird to see my parents make out with other people when they're around a group of people, anyways, they are in a relationship with another couple, and have been with them for almost two years.

They, being the other couple, just recently moved in with my parents because they lost their house and couldn't find another place in time. My parents kicked my sister, her fiancé, and their baby out of the basement in order to give their friends the space and put my sister, her fiancé and baby upstairs in one bedroom to share, which is a small 12 by 12 room. The friends have also stated that there are another set of grandparents for my niece and call themselves Grandma, insert name, and Papa, insert name. My sister and her fiancé are not comfortable with this, but my parents and their friends don't seem to care because they are all together as one.

Now, on to the vacation. We were supposed to go on our first ever family vacation last year, October 2021, but it ended up getting pushed back to April of this year, due to costs, because of my wedding, which everyone was fine with. It then got pushed back again, because my sister was in her third trimester of her pregnancy and couldn't fly. It is now scheduled for February of 2023. My parents told my sister and I, along with our soes, that they would be bringing their friends along on the vacation. And I'm frustrated about it to be honest.

With the way that they've been handling things with my sister and with all of their PDA, it's made me not want to go anymore. It's our first ever family vacation, like I've already mentioned, and I wanted it to be just family. I'm at a loss and I'm not sure how to handle the situation. And I slash we don't want to upset my parents about how I and everyone else, my husband, sister and Bill, feel. Any advice? Edit 1, I'm married and do not live at home anymore.

Although my sister, her fiancé, and baby do. They're currently looking for places. We live in a state where cost of living is super high, like a lot of places right now. and with them only having one income it's harder for them to find something. Hopefully that clears things up. Edit 2, I didn't expect this to get as much attention as it did. And I have read each comment and taken advice. So thank you.

I'm fully aware that my parents are adults and can do what they want. I never once said that they couldn't. And I never said I wasn't against their relationship with this other couple. They refer to themselves as swingers, but yes, you could say they are in a polyamorous relationship. The issue I have is how they shove it down everyone's throats. I don't care what they do in private, behind closed doors. But once I see the PDA and the other things they do to each other when other people are around,

that's where I get uncomfortable around the situation. They have a calendar on the fridge that says what nights they will swap beds and sleep with the other person. X. My mom and the other woman move between my dad and the other guy. There are also times where they make sexual jokes about screwing each other, or randomly flash each other when we are around. Like, at least wait until people aren't their do-so those things. That's the part I'm not okay with. Update 1, Hi everyone. A few weeks ago, I made a pod about my parents inviting their friends on a family vacation and said I'd give an update after I talked to my parents.

Well, I did, and it didn't go well. Also sorry the update took so long, I've been struggling with the outcome really badly and I needed time to write it all out. So, on to the update. I brought up all of my feelings to my parents and they weren't very happy. They asked why I never brought it up and I told them that it was because I was fine with everything, until I started seeing it, and that's when it made me uncomfortable. Now they think I don't accept them for who they are and they don't really see an issue with inviting

their friends or doing other things with their friends in front of everyone else around. My mom basically said that what they do is none of my business, or anyone else's, and they can do what they want. Which is true, they're adults and can do what they want. But some of the things they do, should be in private settings, and not for others to see. They also consider their girlfriend and boyfriend to be family, again, which is fine, I know many people do, and since it's a family vacation, so they're still inviting them, regardless of how everyone feels about it. I just want to be with my parents for once without their friends being there, and having them be all over each other. They also see no issue with their friends calling themselves grandparents to my niece.

I got upset and told them my husband and I would not be attending the vacation and they could take someone else. And until they understand where I'm coming from, I would not be going around. So for the time being, my parents are being cut off. I'm very sad about the outcome, and it makes me sad that they would choose their friends over their own child. But to each their own, I guess. Thank you all for the comments. I read every single one of them, even if I didn't comment back, I still read them. There were some very nice supporting ones that really helped, and also some not very nice ones that also helped.

So thank you all. Comment one, I'm sorry about that. Did your siblings ever back you up? Oop, yes, my sister agrees with me. I'm not sure if she's planning on going or not, so if she doesn't, we might go on our own little vacation update too. I cut my parents out of my life and now my dad might be dying. I'd quote to do.

Hi everyone. I, 27F, just came here for advice maybe? I don't really know. I just needed a place to talk about this. There's a ton of backstory, so I'll try to explain it as much as I can, and hopefully it doesn't get too confusing. I also have another post regarding the subject from a couple of years ago, so maybe this is also kind of an update post.

My parents are in an open-slash-polyamorous marriage. They started out as swingers when I was seven, and a few years ago they met another couple and decided to just be with them, which is fine. I am happy that they are happy, however, when the other couple, we will call them D&T, came into my parents' life, my parents changed, they became very toxic slash controlling and just all around not fun to be around. They don't take anyone's feelings into consideration and force their other partners into our lives, which over the last couple years, I have decided I don't want to be around D&T. On multiple occasions, they were all inappropriate in front of us, my sister slash her family and my husband and I,

and it was just really uncomfortable in a lot of ways. They, my parents, kicked my sister and her family out of their basement apartment and moved them to a small bedroom upstairs in their house, so they could move their other partners into their house. My niece was also only two months at this time. From there, things have just gotten worse. D&T referred to themselves as my second parents and as grandparents to my son and my niece,

which I have asked them not to do since I barely know them. My parents have chosen their other partners over my sister slash her family and myself and my family many times. My sister had to move emergently last year and my sister asked my mom if she could watch my niece since it was raining slash snowing outside. And my mom said no because they were going to spend the night playing Mario Kart and didn't want distractions. When I told them I was pregnant, the very first thing my dad said to me was, can we tell DNT? And I said no. After my son was born, I went to my parents' house for a short 30-minute visit and as soon as I got there, my dad texted D to tell her I was there.

So she and T came upstairs. My mom was holding my baby, eight weeks at the time, and when D&T came up, she handed my son to D without asking me. I was so upset. I want to clarify I would have been upset if anyone just handed my baby to someone without asking me, I wasn't upset just because of the person. You should never hold a baby without permission from the parent. I had a very intimate religious ceremony, similar to a christening, where we only wanted family and our close friends. I invited my parents, and they asked if they could bring D&T and I said no because it was for family and close friends. So they decided not to come.

They decided not to come to a family event because I didn't want their other partners there, which they consider family and I do not, which I have clearly tried telling them over years of them being with D&T. Because this event was for my son, I decided they weren't going to pull any more stunts. They weren't going to choose them over me and my family anymore. So, I cut them out. I told them that I'm happy that they're happy and because I know they love them, I wasn't going to make them choose between us. I told them I wasn't done being hurt and I needed time away from them.

I haven't seen or spoken to my parents since April of 2024. I have tried telling my parents about my boundaries many times, but they don't listen and they just want us all to be one big happy family. Which my sister and I, and our partners, don't want. We both just want to be around our parents. Anyways, I got a text from my mom yesterday, saying my dad was just diagnosed with heart failure. And I have so many emotions. I'm angry and I am also sad. My heart hurts.

I don't know what to do. Part of me is wants a better relationship with my parents, as long as my boundaries are followed, but another part of me has never been happier slash felt more at peace these last nine months. I just don't want to have my dad pass and regret not letting him have a relationship with myself or my son. I just hate getting hurt by my parents all the time. I am in therapy and have been working through everything, for a while, but it's still so hard. Any advice is appreciated and I will try to answer any questions anyone has. Thank you for taking the time to read this and I'm sorry if it's confusing.

Edit, I want to say, my parents have been with other couples that I have loved. It wasn't until D&T that I had an issue, and it's because of the actions that they have done that have pushed me away. I am happy that my parents are happy, but I shouldn't have to put myself in an uncomfortable position to make other people happy. So I ultimately decided to keep distance in order to make my mental health better. Comment one, this is something you need to decide. They are only reaching out because of his condition, not because they want to be better parents. They already chose D&T over your son.

Your son doesn't need to see them. You can go alone and see what is really going on. They want to guilt you into forgiving them. They haven't tried to apologize. Oop, that's how I feel. I feel like they're pressuring me to see them when I'm not ready. My mom texted me a couple months back saying how long are you going to stay away from us? Are we still toxic? And I feel like they're blaming me for not seeing them when I voiced my boundaries countless times and they chose to ignore them. I know it's not on me, but they're making me feel like shit because I want to protect myself and my son from being hurt.

Oop gives examples of how they were inappropriate over the years. Examples of being inappropriate include them flashing each other in front of us, my dad pulling down his pants and mooning the front door when I walked in because he thought it was his girlfriend, and other inappropriate actions that shouldn't be done in front of other people, especially your children and their spouses. He would put his hand on my back and I would ask not to be touched. I get very uncomfortable because of some essay from my childhood, so I don't like being touched by many people. But yet, he would do it every time I saw them. I have tried many times to voice my boundaries and they have not been respected.

If these inappropriate behaviors stopped, I wouldn't mind seeing them along with my parents, but I shouldn't have to if I'm uncomfortable. The boundaries I have voiced, I don't want them calling themselves my second parents or grandparents to my child. I don't want to see all of their inappropriate PDA. I'm fine with a kiss, but the inappropriate stuff can wait until people aren't visiting. I don't consider them family, just as my parents don't consider them. or any of my friend's family. Comment too, you'll never have the relationship you want with your parents as it's clear they are

selfish and will always include their partners. Don't feel guilty, they have never put you first. Oh, O-op, thank you. I needed to hear don't feel guilty. This whole situation has taken a toll on me for years. I just learned I need to do what's best for me and my little family. Next story, Black wife and I had a son who looked too dark to be mine. So I secretly got a paternity test that proved he was mine, but when I told her about it,

she called me racist and we got divorced. I'm a 29-year-old white guy. My wife is 30 and black. We have two kids, a three-year-old girl and a five-year-old boy. My wife got pregnant with our son early in our relationship. We had only been together a year. We got married because she got pregnant. Fortunately for us, we are actually happy.

When my son was born, I accepted him as mine. However, I couldn't help noticing how little he looked like me. He is noticeably darker than my wife. He doesn't look half white. My family and friends have asked if I'm sure he's mine. I had doubts, but I initially decided to trust my wife. I loved my son regardless. When our son was two, my wife had our daughter.

I had no doubt she's mine. She looks just like me, she even has my blue eyes. I never realized how powerful it is to know a child is yours. I bonded with her easier because there wasn't the question of paternity dangling over our heads. My family bonded with her faster too. Her resemblance to me convinced me that my son is not mine. I tried to always treat them equally as I see them both as my children. But I realized I was beginning to resent my son.

It felt unfair that I had to care. for someone else's child. I also began to resent my wife because I felt she had betrayed me. I finally got a paternity test in secret. I was relieved to learn that my son is in fact mine. Genetics are weird. Anyways, that was four months ago and my relationship with my wife and son improved dramatically. I feel much closer to him now that I know he's mine. My wife and I have been so happy that we were talking about a third child. I confess. I confess. to my wife I got a paternity test. I hated keeping this secret and I thought she would understand given how much she doesn't look like me. She flipped out. She asked me if I ever doubted our

daughter, and when I said no, she called me racist. It's not true. I didn't prefer my daughter because of her whiter features, I just knew she was mine. She also said that I made our son feel unloved for no reason for all those years. I said that's bull. Even when we're just, when I didn't believe my son was mine, I treated him as though he were. My wife says she wants to move out and take our children after the quarantine. It's been about a week and a half and I'm still on the sofa. I hope she would have calmed down by now, but things haven't changed. She's just so furious with me for not trusting her and for in her eyes. Denying my son because he's dark. She barely talks to me unless it's about the kids. I don't want to lose my family. Is it so awful that I had doubts?

I still took care of him. I don't understand why something like this is wrecking my marriage. I think she is overreacting. So, Ida? Update 1, after being ripped to shreds on my first post I didn't plan to ever log into this account again. Some recent events have persuaded me to update you all on what's been going on. I'll just get right to it. My wife and I are separated currently. I moved out so she and the kids could stay in our home. I'm staying with my parents for now. I don't get to see my kids as often as I would like to.

When I have a more stable living situation will have joint custody of them. It's been very hard on me and the kids. I talk to them on the phone every night, and they both keep asking when I'm coming home. It breaks my heart that I can't answer that question. My daughter is taking it the worst. I feel awful that her world had been turned upside down by her own parents.

I miss my family. I miss seeing my kids every day. I miss my wife. Our relationship has been put in limbo for now. She says she needs space to process, and doesn't know if she will be able to forgive me. I've apologized in every way that I know how to. At this point I just have to give her the space she wants and hope. she calms down. It would be horrible for us to throw away if separating has been this hard in the kids,

divorce is going to shatter them. She seems open to seeking couples counseling. It gives me some hope we can work past this. As for Reddit, I admit I didn't want to hold myself accountable before. I couldn't see how my actions were subconsciously harmful to my son. It was never my intention to be racist, but I did treat my son differently due to his skin color when you strip it down to its roots. I realized how bad I fucked up when I felt ashamed thinking my wife has probably told her family why we separated. They used to think really highly of me. Now they all probably think I'm a racist.

I have no one to blame for that but myself. With all the craziness going on in the world I know that I need to be more aware of my actions. My kids deserve to have their family to be safe haven from racism. It scares me thinking about the type of world I will send them out into my own. where they could be racially profiled in most places. I can't imagine if it were my son on the news instead of one of those other poor guys. I'll never let anything get in the way of my relationship with him again. Thanks all.

Update 2. It's been over a year and a half since I used this account. I stopped replying to PMS a long time ago because, to put it bluntly, I felt like shit when I was reminded of what caused me to make this account in the first place, even though most of the PMS I got weren't bad. I was shocked but flattered to see dozens of messages still coming in as recently as a few months ago. I want to give an update on my life for those people.

I'm single. My ex-wife and I had our divorce finalized early in 2022. We had gotten back together for almost a year after I told her about the paternity test. I made promises to be a better husband and I believe that I kept those promises even though it didn't work. Unfortunately things were not the same despite both of our best efforts, including months of counseling, couples counseling and private counseling for her.

The fact of the matter is she could never forgive me enough to trust me so it was never going to work. Towards the end she didn't even want to be intimate with me in any way so much that I slept most nights on the couch or in my kids' rooms. We became roommates. I would have kept trying to fix things forever, but she was willing to face the fact that it was over way before I could. I still have a lot of love for her and I think I will forever. I'm not ashamed to say I haven't gotten over how devastating it was even though it's my fault.

I developed depression badly which I know some people would say I deserve. I even had to quit my old job due to it. I still miss her and even more I miss what we had together. I dread the day that I will hear that she is in a relationship with someone else because I know it will come someday. I have an apartment to myself now. It took a while for me to get on my feet. My kids, now 8M, almost 6F, spend every other weekend with me and I get them 50 to 50 when there are breaks from school. My son is very athletic and is very good at soccer.

As he has gotten older I have seen more of myself in him than I did in his youth. He hasn't heard about the paternity test and I hope he never will. He's a great kid. I work hard to make up for the time lost when I was anxious to get too close. to him. My daughter is still my mini-me. She loves me almost as much as I love her. She's athletic too loves gymnastics and soccer. I think a lot about how if I hadn't needed a paternity test they might have another sibling. Not a good thing to dwell on. My life went in a direction I didn't expect. It's not perfect, but it's getting better every day. I have a lot to be grateful for and I

remind myself of that when it is hard. My kids are all that matters. Thanks for caring. I hope you enjoy this story. Sibling covertly borrowed my bridal gown without consent and tainted it with crimson wine, subsequently declining to cover the costly restoration expenses due to her pregnancy, and my guardians are involved in the situation. Taking her side, so I had to get the law involved. I, 27F, have a younger sister, 23F, who is currently planning her wedding on a very tight budget. I'm also engaged to be married next year, and I was extremely close to our late grandmother, who saved money to contribute to my wedding.

With that gift from Grandma, I had a custom wedding dress made for myself, something I'd always dreamed of. It's a beautiful, one-of-a-kind gown tailored to my measurements, made of high-quality silk and lace. It also has immense sentimental value to me, knowing that it was paid for using Grandma's savings she set aside before she passed away. My sister Emily, fake name, recently came to me in tears, complaining that she can't afford anything nice for her own wedding dress. She and her fiancé have limited funds, and the dresses within her budget at local boutiques are, in her words, cheap looking or not her style. She knows I have my custom-made dress already, my wedding is still several months away, but I've had my gown completed early. Emily asked if she could borrow my wedding dress for her big day, rather than buying a new one.

I was not comfortable with this request for a few reasons. First, the dress was literally made for me, it's fitted to my body and my style. Emily and I have different body types and heights, so even if she wore it, it would need significant alterations to fit her. I'm not okay with altering my custom dress for someone else's use. Second, the gown is extremely precious to me because of the personal and financial investment, Grandma's money, in it. I intend to cherish it as an heirloom. The idea of it being worn by someone else, potentially stretched out or damaged, makes me very anxious. Third, my wedding hasn't happened yet.

I haven't even worn my dress to my own wedding, and I want to be the first person to wear my own gown on my special day. It just doesn't feel right to let someone else, even my sister, wear it before I do. I tried to explain to Emily as gently as possible that I understand her situation but I'm not comfortable lending out my wedding dress. I suggested she look at consignment shops or online resale for a discounted gown, or maybe we could find a seamstress to adjust a simpler dress to her liking. I even offered to help her shop within her budget and see if our mother's old wedding dress could be updated or used. But Emily wasn't interested in those solutions. She specifically wanted to wear my dress because she said it's the prettiest dress she's seen and would make her feel like a princess

without the princess price tag. After I firmly told her no, she became very upset. She accused me of not caring about her happiness and said I was being selfish. She claimed that since I got an expensive custom dress thanks to grandma's money, I should be kind enough to let her experience something special too, especially since she can't afford luxury. I told her I was sorry she felt that way, but my decision was final. I later got a call from our mom and dad, who had heard from Emily about the situation. They were on her side. They said sharing is what sisters do and that I should have agreed to at least let Emily try on the dress or use it for her ceremony.

My parents feel that since I was fortunate to get an expensive dress, I should share that good fortune with my little sister, and they noted that technically the money for the dress came from family, grandma, implying it should benefit the family as a whole. I love my sister and I empathize with her financial stresses, but I also feel protective of my wedding gown. It's not just any dress, it's a custom piece made for me with love and memory attached. I also worry that something could happen to it if it's taken out of my care. I don't want it lost or ruined before I even get to wear it. I explained these reasons to my parents and Emily, but they still think I'm being unkind. Emily has been giving me the cold shoulder, and my parents keep bringing up how we raised you girls to share and support each other.

They've even said that Grandma would have wanted me to help Emily, though I disagree. Grandma was very clear the money was for my dress and would likely be upset to see it dragged into a fight. All of this has been causing a lot of tension. My fiancé is backing me up fully, he thinks it's a bad idea to let anyone else, even family, borrow my wedding dress before our wedding. He also pointed out that if the situation were reversed, he doubts my sister would lend out her wedding dress. Still, my parents and sister are making me feel guilty, saying that I value a dress over my sister's happiness on her wedding day. That's not true, I want her to have a beautiful wedding, and I know weddings are important. But I don't think I should have to risk my most precious

dress to make up for her budget issues. Am I the asshole for refusing to let my sister borrow my custom wedding dress? Comment one, I get that it's your special dress, but she's your sister and she's struggling. You're only going to wear that gown once, right? Would it really hurt to let her use it for one day so she can feel beautiful too? I mean, it's not like you'd be giving it away forever, just lending it. From her perspective, it probably feels like you care more about a dress than her feelings. Op, I do understand where she's coming from, and I want her to feel beautiful at her

wedding, I really do. But even if I only wear my gown once, I plan to keep it forever as a memory and possibly pass it down someday. It's not just a one-time use thing to me. The seamstress who made it told me that significant alterations could ruin some of the delicate lace work and structure. There's a real chance it wouldn't even look the same afterward. So yes, I'd only wear it once, but I paid, and grandma paid, for the luxury of having it made for my body and preferences. It's not that I value a dress over my sister, it's that I value the meaning and integrity of this particular dress. Lending it out isn't as simple as letting her borrow a t-shirt. If something went wrong, I'd be devastated. I've tried to help her in other ways, but she isn't accepting those.

Comment two, how did the money for your custom dress work? Did your grandma leave money specifically to you this? It might help to clarify, since your parents are bringing up that it was family money. Also, if your parents feel so strongly, why can't they or you help chip in for your sister's dress instead of risking yours? Up, before she passed, Grandma gifted me a sum of money specifically to buy my wedding dress. She literally told me to get the dress of my dreams. She didn't leave any equivalent fund for Emily because, at the time, Emily wasn't engaged, Grandma passed away two years ago. before Emily's engagement. As for my parents, they're not in a position to buy her a fancy dress either. They've been helping with some basic wedding costs, but money is tight. So I guess they saw me

lending out my dress as the easiest, cheapest solution for Emily. I don't see it that way at all, that gift from Grandma was meant for my dress, and the dress is mine to keep. Comment three, stand your ground and lock that dress up. I have a bad feeling she might try to take it when you're not around, given how fixated she is. We've seen stories on here of sisters doing crazy things when it comes to wedding drama. Don't let it out of your sight. Up, I honestly hope that would never happen. Emily can get dramatic when she's upset, but actually stealing my dress would be an extreme I don't think she'd go to. That said, you're right that she's very fixated on it. I'm keeping the dress at my apartment, and as of now only my fiancé and I have access to it.

The only other person with a spare key is my parents, for emergencies. I doubt they'd ever hand it over to her without telling me. But I will definitely be vigilant. I've stored the dress securely in a garment bag in the back of my closet. I might even move it to a safer place if it makes me feel better. Thanks for the warning, I'll be careful. Update 1, well, some of you warned me in the comments that my sister might try to pull something behind my back. I honestly didn't think it would happen, but it did.

Yesterday while I was at work, Emily used the spare key to my apartment to let herself in and take my wedding dress out of my closet. I had given a spare key to my parents for emergencies. I still don't know if my parents actually handed it to her or if she took it from where they keep it. That's a whole other issue. She later admitted she wanted to try on the dress in secret, since I wouldn't let her have it. Emily said she figured if she could just put it on and see herself in it. She'd know if it could work for her wedding or if she should drop the idea. Apparently, after sneaking the dress out of my place, Emily brought it with her on the subway

ride back to her own apartment. Why she couldn't just try it on at my place, I'm not sure, maybe she wanted to show it to her fiancé or friends. This is where the absolute disaster happened. Emily claims that on the subway ride, she bumped into someone with an open bottle of red wine, which splashed through plastic and onto my dress. When she got home and opened it, the front of my gown was soaked with dark red stains. I didn't find out any of this until later that afternoon. I came home from work and went my closet to check on my dress.

After these recent events, I'd become a bit paranoid and wanted to be sure it was safe. To my shock, the garment bag was there, but the dress was gone. I absolutely freaked out. I started calling my fiancé, he was at work, then my mom. My mom confessed that Emily had taken the dress just to try it on and that there had been an accident. I drove straight to my parents' house, where Emily was, and saw my poor dress, now back in a bag, with huge red wine stains on the bodice and skirt. I burst into tears when I saw it. Emily was crying too, apologizing over and over. She kept saying she only wanted to feel special for a little while and never. meant for this to happen. I was absolutely livid and screamed at her that she had no right to take

my dress, especially after I explicitly said no. It's true it was an accident, but it was an accident that she caused by doing something she knew she wasn't supposed to do. My parents jumped in to calm us down. They were saying things like what's done is done, we'll fix it. My mom had already found a specialty dry cleaner slash bridal cleaner that agreed to do an emergency same-day cleaning treatment on the dress. We all immediately took the dress over there. The cleaner managed to do a quick surface treatment that evening, and some of the wine came out, but the stains are far from gone. The dress is made of delicate silk, and the red wine had already set in pretty deep by the time we got it to the professionals. There are still faint reddish marks all over the front.

The cleaner said they did what they could for now, but it might need a more intensive process, and even then, no guarantees. I took the dress back home with me after that initial cleaning attempt, because I didn't want to leave it anywhere. Here's the part that made my blood boil. My parents and Emily want me to split the cleaning bill with my sister. The cleaner charged a hefty fee for the rushed job and for dealing with a wedding gown. It came out to a few hundred dollars.

Emily is basically broke at the moment with wedding expenses, so my parents covered the bill on their credit card. But they're saying I should pay them back for half of it, because accidents happen and Emily didn't do it on purpose. Their argument is that I'm the one who will ultimately benefit from the dress being cleaned, since it's my dress, so I should chip in. They also keep emphasizing that Emily was only trying to feel special and didn't intend any harm, and that I should have a heart because she's my little sister. I flatly told them I'm not paying a dime toward that bill. I didn't ask for any of this. I was at work, my finding my own business, expecting my dress to be safely at home. Emily had no permission to take it.

If anything, she should be paying for all the consequences, not me. We had a huge argument right there in the parking lot of the cleaners. My dad got angry and said I was being unsympathetic to an honest mistake. I was screaming at that point, I was so furious and upset. That led to my dad telling me to stop being dramatic and my mom trying to hush us because we were causing a scene. In the end, my parents said we'll talk about it later and that everyone needs to cool down. They still have the stance that I should help pay since I'll want the dress clean for my own use eventually. I feel like that's completely unfair, it's basically rewarding Emily's bad behavior.

I drove home with my dress, what's left of its former glory, and just cried in my fiancé's arms. He is equally furious at my sister and parents and he suggested we take further action, but I'm not sure what to do yet. I'm so damn angry and heartbroken. I've refused to reimburse my parents for the cleaning cost, and right now I'm not speaking to my sister at all. I'll update again if anything else happens, but wow, I just can't believe she actually did this to my dress. Comment one, this is beyond outrageous. Your sister literally trespassed and stole your dress. Accident or not, that's basically theft.

You'd be within your rights to call the police on her for what she'd be. did. At the very least, make sure she, and your parents don't have access to your apartment anymore. Change your locks if you have to. Up, I was absolutely thinking the same thing in the heat of the moment. My fiancé outright asked me if we should call the police when it first happened. In the end, I haven't gone that route. It just felt too nuclear to get the police involved in a family matter, especially since I did get the dress back, albeit damaged. But trust me, I consider it. As for access to my apartment, you bet I've reclaimed that spare key. I drove straight to my parents after this and took my key back from them. I haven't decided about changing the locks yet,

since I have the only copies now, but I probably will anyway just for peace of mind. And I've moved the dress to a safer location. My fiancé's parents have a spare room and offered to keep it secure for me, because I'm not taking any more chances. Comment two, accidents happen is not not an excuse here. Your sister caused this mess by taking something that wasn't hers. She owes you 100% of the cleaning and repair costs. Don't pay a single cent honestly, your parents siding with her and expecting you to pay anything is absurd. They're enabling her terrible behavior. Up, exactly. I flat out refused to pay for any of this. I told my parents and sister that I won't reward or subsidize what she did. She's the one. She's the one.

who ruined it, so she's the one who should cover all the costs to fix it. My parents keep saying I'm being harsh because Emily's financially struggling, but that doesn't make it okay to steal from me and then stick me with the bill when it backfires. I'm standing firm on this. It's been tense, my parents are still acting like I'm lacking compassion, but I think they're just coddling her because she's the baby of the family. Regardless, I'm not paying. Comment three, is the dress completely ruined? Do you think the stains can come out with more cleaning, or are you looking at having to replace it? I'm so sorry this happened. Also, are you going to make your sister pay for the full repair slash new dress? She absolutely should. Op, I don't know yet if it's completely

ruined. After the initial rush cleaning, it still got noticeable staining. The cleaner recommended a more intensive treatment and possibly consulting a professional bridal restoration service. I plan to call the custom dressmaker who made it to ask their advice as well. It might need actual reconstruction of parts of the gown if the stains don't come out, like replacing stained panels of fabric. That sounds extremely expensive, but I'm going to explore the options because I love this dress and really want to save it. And yes, I 100% will expect my sister to pay for whatever it takes to restore or replace it.

My fiancé is in agreement, he even suggested that if she refuses, we might have to consider legal action, which I really hope can be avoided, but at this point I'll do what's necessary to make this right. We haven't gotten to that stage yet. I'm giving everyone a chance to calm down and do the right thing. But there's no way I'm simply eating the cost of this disaster. Update 2, it's been a little while and I have new information. I took my dress to a highly recommended bridal tailor-slash-cleaning specialist to see what more could be done. Unfortunately, the news isn't great. The remaining stains are so deeply set into the fabric and spread across multiple layers, that standard cleaning won't remove them without damaging the material. The specialist and my original dressmaker consulted, and they concluded the only real fix

is to physically replace the stained panels of the gown with new material. Essentially, they'd have to dismantle parts of the dress, the front skirt panels and an underlayer of silk that got soaked through, and re-sow in fresh fabric. It's a very labor-intensive restoration, and the materials, matching high-quality silk and re-embroidering some lace, are expensive as well. The estimate for this repair is roughly equal to one month of my rent. For reference, my monthly rent is about $1,350, so we're talking in that ballpark. I shared this information with my family. My parents seemed genuinely freaked out by how high the cost is, and my sister.

Well, she burst into tears. She apologized yet again and said she had no idea it would be so complicated and costly to fix. I said, point blank, that this is what needs to be done to restore the dress to the condition it was in before she took it, and therefore I expect her to cover the cost, since this entire situation is her doing. Emily then offered me $300. She explained that $300 is literally her entire wedding dress budget that she had set aside, since she was originally planning to buy a cheap gown off the rack. She said that if she gives me that $300, she'd have to just wear something she already owns or find a white dress from a thrift store for her wedding. In her view,

offering me her whole dress budget is a sign that she's trying to make it up to me as best she can. but $300 doesn't even come close to the repair estimate. It would cover maybe a fifth, 20% of the cost. I was honestly speechless that she thought that would be sufficient. I told her $300 wouldn't solve this, it wouldn't restore my dress. That money wouldn't magically produce the additional silk and professional labor needed. She got very upset and said that's all she has, and she can't conjure money out of thin air. She also said something along the lines of,

You already have your nice dress, and you have more money than me, maybe you and, fiancé, can cover the rest? I'm doing my best here. That just infuriated my fiancé, who was with me during this discussion. He responded that it's not about who has more money, it's about who is responsible for the damage. He told her point blank that we wouldn't be spending our own wedding savings to fix a mess she created.

My parents jumped in. and suggested maybe I could use the backslash $300 and just find a local dressmaker to patch something together or cover up the stained part with a sash or flowers to avoid the full cost of repaneling. That suggestion frankly hurt. I don't want to stick a random applique over the stains on my dream dress. I want it properly restored. I could tell my mom and dad are worried about how Emily will afford to pay the full amount, and they were grasping at any alternative to make it seem not so bad. They even floated the idea that maybe the stain isn't that noticeable and I could just where the dresses is, which made me really angry, because the whole point of this was to have my once perfect dress intact for my wedding. The stains are very noticeable, you can see a dull wine-colored shadow on the ivory fabric, right in the front. No way to ignore that. At this point, my fiancé and I told my family that we need to figure out a serious plan for how this repair will be paid for, and it shouldn't be on us.

We proposed having a formal sit-down conversation with everyone, parents and Emily, and us, to hash this out with clear heads, because emotions were running high. My sister was still crying, my mom was fretting about the cost, and my dad was quiet and looked unhappy. We all agreed to meet in a couple of days at my parents' house to discuss financial responsibility and the path forward. Honestly, this whole thing has been extremely stressful and has really driven a wedge between me and my sister, and my parents to some extent. My fiancé is furious, I'm exhausted from all the crying and anger, and Emily is acting like her life is ruined because if she has to pay for my dress repairs,

she'll have to slash her own wedding plans. I do feel a little bad that this expense will be a huge burden on her, I know money is tight for them, but I keep reminding myself that I didn't cause this situation. She did, and I shouldn't be the one to sacrifice my dress or my savings to make it right. We'll see how the upcoming family meeting goes. I'll update again afterward. Comment one, your sister offering only $300, when she owes around $1,300 plus, is frankly insulting, even if that's all she's got. She doesn't get to wreck something and then decide to only pay a fraction.

If she doesn't have money, she needs to figure out a way to get it, not expect you to cover the rest. Op, I was stunned she thought $300 would suffice. I get that she's struggling financially, but that doesn't mean she can shrug off most of the cost. $300 won't restore my dress. She needs to figure out a way, a loan, a payment plan, something, to cover the rest, because I am not going to eat the remaining amount. Comment two, if your sister truly can't afford it, then your parents need to step up. They enabled this whole situation by siding with her from the start. Are they willing to contribute to the repair costs?

at all? It sounds like they're more interested in pressuring you to drop it than holding her accountable. Up so far, my parents haven't offered any money at all. They covered the initial cleaning bill and even tried to make me pay half of that, but they haven't stepped up for the repair. Instead, they're just trying to get me to find a cheaper fix or let it go. I even asked them point blank what happens if Emily can't pay, and they dodged the question. It's frustrating, they pushed for me to share my dress, but now that it's damaged, they aren't rushing to help pay for the consequences. Comment 3. I normally wouldn't advocate suing family, but at this point small claims court might be your best option if she refuses to pay the full amount. She stole and ruined a very

expensive, sentimental item. You have evidence and receipts. If she won't cooperate in covering the costs, taking legal action could be the wake-up call she needs. Up, trust me, we're thinking about it. My fiancé especially feels that we might have no choice but to go the legal route if she doesn't agree to pay. I'm really torn because, well, it's my sister, I never imagined I'd have to consider suing my own sibling. But you're right that I have receipts, emails from the tailor about the repair estimate,

photos of the damage, etc., and the fact is that she took the dress without permission. It's essentially property damage. We're going to see how the upcoming family meeting goes. I'm still hoping we can get a commitment from her. Perhaps she could do a payment plan or something informal. If she absolutely refuses or just can't pay, small claims court is on the table. I really hate that we've come to this point,

but I also have to protect myself here. Update 3, the family meeting did not go well. In fact, it turned into a disaster. We all gathered at my parents' house two days ago. Me and my fiancé, my sister and her fiancé, and our parents. The goal was to agree on how the dress repair cost would be handled. My fiancé and I came prepared with copies of the repair estimate and a suggested payment plan for Emily, for example, she could pay me back in monthly installments over a year or two.

I was still hoping we could solve this without legal action. Initially, the conversation was tense but civil. I reiterated that I wouldn't drop this issue and that the dress needed to be restored properly for my wedding. I acknowledged that $1,300 is a lot and told Emily I was willing to accept a payment plan if she couldn't pay it all at once, as long as we had a written agreement that she'd cover the full cost over time. Emily looked nervous and barely spoke at first. My dad told her to respond, and that's when she finally blurted out, tearfully, that there's a new complication, she is pregnant. We all fell silent for a moment.

Then Emily and her fiancé explained that they just found out she's about eight weeks along. Emily said, with a baby coming, I can't possibly pay anything right now. We have to save every spare penny for the baby. My mom immediately switched gears, gasping, oh my goodness, that's wonderful news. And fussing over Emily. My dad sighed heavily and said to me, you see, they'll have a baby to care for. We all need to be reasonable here. I congratulated Emily, but then I told that her pregnancy doesn't change the fact that she owes me for the damage.

I said something like, I'm happy for you, but I still expect you to take responsibility for my dress. That set her off. She started crying, saying I was heartless to demand money when she's facing huge expenses for a child. She said I have no idea how costly babies are, and that she needs every bit of money for prenatal care and savings since she'll have unpaid maternity leave. I responded that I'm not asking for the money immediately if she can't swing it, I'm fine with starting payments after the baby is born, or some other arrangement, but I needed her commitment that she will pay the full amount, in writing. At that point, everything devolved into yelling and tears. My mom started crying

and begged me to just let it go for the sake of the baby and our family. She said I was going to permanently damage my relationship with my sister over money, and that money comes and goes, but family is forever. My dad told me I needed to be flexible now that circumstances had changed, and suggested I postponed the repairs until after things settle down for Emily, essentially asking me to drop it for now. My fiancé lost his cool and said, being pregnant isn't a get-out-of-jail-free card. She still ruined the dress. Pregnancy doesn't erase debt. Emily's fiancé who had been quiet, said, we honestly have no way to pay right now.

Maybe in a couple of years, after the baby, we could start paying in small amounts. Hearing that, I realized they had no intention of making this right any time soon, if ever. I was furious and hurt. I told my sister, I'm sorry you're stressed, and I can't wait to be an aunt, but that doesn't erase what you owe.

You can't just wreck my dress and then say you won't pay for it because you chose to have a baby. Emily sobbed that I was choosing a dress over her child's future. My mom scolded me for being cruel to a pregnant woman. At that point, my fiancé took my hand and said we should leave because it was clear we were not wanted here. Before walking out, I told them since we couldn't reach an agreement, I'd be pursuing this in small claims court. My dad began to protest, but I cut him off and said, I have to do this formally since you're all refusing to resolve it another way.

My sister was crying even harder, my mom was saying, please, don't do this, and my dad just shook his head at me. My fiancé and I left while my parents were still shouting that I reconsider. It was awful, but I felt I had no other choice. The very next morning, I went ahead and filed a claim in small claims court against my sister for the full repair costs. I've notified my family that from now on will handle this through the legal system. It's sad that it came to this, but I tried everything else. Now I'll have to wait for our court date. I'll post again when I have the outcome.

Final update, the court case is over, the judge ruled in my favor. My sister is legally required to repay the full cost of the dress restoration. Since she couldn't pay it all at once, the court formalized a payment plan for her. She has to pay me back in monthly installments over the next year and a half. To my surprise, my parents quietly covered the first installment on her behalf. They mailed me a check for that amount with a note saying they hope this settles things for now. I suspect they helped with that initial payment to prevent my sister from facing immediate financial strain. I did go ahead and get my dress fully restored.

It was expensive, but the bridal specialist did an amazing job. My gown looks as perfect as it did originally. Having it back in pristine condition lifted a huge, weight off my shoulders. My fiancé and I can now refocus on our upcoming wedding without this issue hanging over us. As for my family, we've all agreed to give each other some breathing room. For now, I'm keeping contact with my sister and parents to a minimum so everyone can cool off. My sister is due to have her baby in a few months. Perhaps after the baby is born and some time has passed, we can slowly rebuild our relationship. But at least for the time being, staying low

contact is what's needed for everyone's peace of mind. I hope you enjoy this story. Spouse has been going to see her mother each weekend since her father passed, but I discovered she has been deceiving about her whereabouts and was rendezvousing with someone. Instead, I, 45M, have been married to my wife, 43F, for 18 years. We, We have two kids together, 16 F and 14M, and what I always believed was a solid, happy life. We met in our mid-20s through mutual friends, and from day one we just clicked. She's smart, funny, and has this no-nonsense attitude that I've always loved. We built a life full of little routines and inside jokes, cooking pancakes as a family every

Sunday, binge watching detective shows after the kids went to bed, trading off who to school pick up or makes dinner depending on our schedules. It's not a perfect marriage, what marriage is. But it's always felt honest and stable. I handle most of the finances and my wife handles more of the kid-related stuff. It's a division that works well for us. I work mostly from home, and my wife works part-time while juggling the kid's schedules. We share a home office, I use it During the day, she uses it in the evenings when inspiration strikes. We've both been busy, especially now that our older daughter is looking at colleges and our son just started high school. A lot of our recent conversations revolve around saving for tuition,

fixing things around the house, and shuttling the kids to their activities. Pretty ordinary middle-aged married life stuff. One thing to know about me, I came into this marriage with some trust issues because of a bad previous relationship. My ex before I met my wife cheated on me. It devastated me back then, and it took a long time for me to get over it. I was up front about that history when my wife and I started getting serious. She understood and always promised me honesty, no matter what. And I believed her completely. In 18 years, she's never given me a concrete reason to doubt her. We've had our arguments about money, about how to discipline the kids, the normal things, but we always found a way to talk it out. There's never been any

infidelity that I knew of, and I never in a million years thought I'd have to worry about that with her. She's always been very vocal about hating cheaters, her college boyfriend cheated on her too, long before we met, so we bonded over being the ones who got cheated on in our pasts. Lately though, I don't know. The past few months, something has felt a bit off. It's nothing super obvious, no classic red flags that scream a fair. Just little things I can't quite put my finger on. For example, she's been more distracted. Sometimes I'll be talking to her and realize she didn't hear a word I said because she's miles away in her own head. When I ask if she's okay, she'll snap out of it and say she was just thinking about a project or that she's just tired.

Fair enough, between work, the kids, and helping her mom, she is busy and tired. But this is new, she used to be the one who caught me zoning out. Ah, yes, helping her mom, that's another thing. My father-in-law passed away last year, cancer, it was rough on all of us. My wife took it especially hard. She's always been close to her parents, and losing her dad was devastating for her. Since then, she's made it a point to visit her mom, My Mill, at least every other weekend to make sure her mom isn't too lonely. My Mill lives about an hour away, in the small town where my wife grew up.

Usually my wife goes on Saturday morning and comes back Sunday evening. I've always supported this, I love my fill too, and I want my mill to feel cared for. I often stay home with our kids and let my wife have that time with her mom one-on-one. In the last few months, those visits have become a little more frequent. Sometimes it's every weekend, or she'll even leave on a Friday right after our younger one's soccer game and make a long weekend of it. Again, I didn't think much of it at first. Grief isn't linear, and if being at her childhood home or with her mom helps her, I wasn't going to object. I would miss her, but I figured she just needed that extra family time.

It's just that. I've started noticing some inconsistencies. Tiny things. Like, she'd tell me she did something at her mom's house. Say, reorganize the garage, but later her mom would mention on a phone call something that didn't line up, like how they really need to find time to clean out the garage before winter. Each time I brushed it off. There could be reasonable explanations, right?

Maybe her mom's memory isn't great and she forgot they cleaned the garage. Maybe my wife swung by a bakery and didn't want to admit she hadn't baked or her mom hadn't. My wife isn't a good liar. These were clumsy inconsistencies, but nothing concrete. Then there's a particular situation that's really making me question things. A couple of weeks ago, I was talking to my mother-in-law on the phone. to coordinate some repairs for her house. I was helping her hire a handyman.

She thanked me and then mentioned how grateful she is that both my wife and I have been so attentive. She added something about how even one of my wife's old friends has been a blessing since he's been helping out too. That caught me off guard. I asked what she meant by an old friend helping out. My mill sounded a bit confused at why I didn't know. She explained that one of my wife's high school friends,

let's call him Jake, has been a big help, apparently stopping by when my wife visits to help with heavy lifting and chores. My mill went on about how he fixed the backyard fence and helped paint the shed last month. I had to play it cool, but inside I was fuming. My wife never mentioned it Jake helping her mom. In fact, my wife specifically told me she painted that shed for her mom last month. I remember because I offered to drive up and help that weekend, but she insisted she had it under control. Now I find out it wasn't just her, Jake was there too. And not just once, sounds like he's been there regularly. For context, Jake is essentially my wife's high school slash college ex. I met him once years ago at a hometown event. She told me then that I had

nothing to worry about, that chapter was long closed. I pretty much forgot about him after that. Now apparently he's back in my mills town and hanging out with my wife whenever she's there. That by itself might not be a huge deal, people reconnect in times of grief, maybe he was paying his respects to her family and decided to help out. Logically, that could be all it is. But if it's all innocent, why wouldn't my wife just tell me? We don't usually keep secret like this. If she had mentioned, hey, I ran into Jake and he's been helping out around mom's house, I might have felt a bit weird, I'm only human, but I wouldn't jump to conclusions. I have female friends, she has male friends, neither of us has ever been the jealous, possessive type.

So her not telling me feels deliberate. Like she's hiding something. After I got off the phone with my mill, I tried to act normal even though my mind was racing. That evening I asked my wife how her mom was doing and if anyone else has been helping out over there. She just said, no, it's pretty much just me and mom catching up and doing little chores. That was it. No mention of any third person. I even specifically asked, you didn't have any help when you painted the shed. That must have been tough to do alone.

She looked me straight in the eye and insisted it was fine, that it took a couple of afternoons but she got it. done. That really bothers me. She lied, straight to my face. I didn't let on that I knew about Jake, but it's clear she intentionally hid the fact that he was there. Maybe she thought I'd be jealous or upset. Still, it doesn't sit right with me at all. We've always been open about friends and about what we do on those visits. We usually text each other updates during the day when we're apart, she'll send a photo of the pie she and her mom baked, or I'll send a pick of our son mowing the lawn. A new chore I'm proud he's taken on. Lately on her trips, I've noticed she's been a bit harder to reach. Like I'll text a simple question and not hear back for hours,

when before she'd answer pretty quickly from her moms. She always has some reason, they went out shopping and she left her phone in the car, or she was in the shower, or her phone was on silent in her purse. Again, could be legit. But added to everything else, my gut is telling me something is going on. Right now, I haven't confronted her or accused her of anything. I'm trying to stay level-headed. There might be an innocent explanation, but I feel like an idiot even thinking that. I learned long ago not to ignore this kind of gut feeling. I haven't told anyone in real life about this yet, I don't want to tarnish her reputation or stir up drama if it's nothing. But I also feel like I'm in the dark and possibly being lied to.

I guess I'm posting this here to get an outside perspective. I haven't changed how I act around her yet, but I'm definitely paying more attention now. I'm double-checking details and noticing whether her stories line up. It sucks to be in this headspace about the person you trust most. I'm not sure what my next step should be. Do I just ask her if something is going on with Jake? Do I quietly dig a little more before confronting her, so she can't just deny it and make me feel crazy? I don't want to play games or turn into some paranoid snoop, but I also don't want to be the oblivious husband who misses all the signs.

Any advice would be appreciated. I hate that I even have to think about this. This is the woman I've spent nearly half my life with. I want to believe she wouldn't cross that line. But right now I just don't know what to believe. Update 1. The general opinion in my last post was that I shouldn't ignore my gut and that I might need to gather more information before confronting my wife. A lot of you suggested checking phone records, bank statements, etc.

That made sense to me, I handle our finances and phone plan anyway, so it wasn't hard to take a quick look. Well, I looked, and I found some things that have pretty much eliminated any hope I had that this is all in my head. I pulled up our cell phone bill online and skimmed through the call slash text logs for my wife's number. We have unlimited plans, so we don't usually pay attention to the details, but the records are all there. It didn't take long to spot a pattern. Over the last few months, there have been hundreds of texts and a bunch of phone calls back and forth with one number ID. didn't recognize. It stood out because most other numbers on her log are familiar, mine, our kids, her mom, a couple of her girlfriends. This one number was showing up at all hours, tons of

texts during the day, some late at night, even a few very early morning ones. I cross-referenced the area code and sure enough it matches the region of my wife's hometown, where her mom lives. I'm willing to bet anything that number belongs to Jake. I sat on that information. I sat on that for a day, trying to decide what to do. Part of me wanted to call the number right then and there, but I held off. I didn't want to tip my hand or do something in the heat of the moment. Instead, I decided to verify my wife's next visit to her mom's in person. She had already told me earlier in the week that she was planning to go to her moms this coming weekend, leaving Friday, back Sunday as usual. I told her that sounded fine, the kids and I would hold down the fort.

Here's where things went from suspicious to pretty much undeniable. On Saturday, after my wife had left for her moms, I gave my mother-in-law a call. The plan was just to make a casual check-in and maybe gently see if my wife was actually there. I kept it breezy, just asking my mill how she was doing and if the weather was nice in her town, small talk, basically. After a minute or two, I asked if my wife was around or busy with chores. I said I wanted to ask her something but she wasn't answering my texts. My Mill responded, sounding a little perplexed, that my wife wasn't there this weekend.

In fact, she said my wife had told her she was busy with a big project and would visit next weekend instead. I had to literally bite my tongue and take a breath to avoid reacting. I managed to act like it was a mix-up on my end, saying something about how I must have gotten the weekends confused, and I thanked her for close. clarifying. My mill didn't seem to think anything was amiss. We chatted briefly about the handyman and the repairs I was helping schedule, then I wished her a good day and hung up. So, my wife told me she was going to visit her mom, and told her mom she couldn't visit. That means my wife made up an excuse to be away for the weekend, and she's not where she said she'd be. She is effectively unaccounted for right now.

I can't think of a single good, honest explanation for this. The only thing that makes sense is that she's with Jake. Maybe they planned some getaway or she's staying at his place or something, I don't know exactly, but she's definitely not at her moms like she promised me. After hanging up, I was shaking. I can't properly describe the feeling except that it was like everything inside me was buzzing. Even so, I decided to double-check one more thing before I lost it. I logged into our joint bank account to see if there was any recent spending that could give a clue.

Sure enough, there were a few charges from yesterday, Friday, that caught my eye. One from a gas station out near my wife's hometown, she would have filled up driving there, fine, but then two charges in a neighboring city about 30 miles further away. One was from a decent hotel chain and another from a restaurant. The timestamps were last night around 8 p.m., dinner. and then almost midnight for the hotel. I felt sick seeing that, but at least it told me where she likely was. That neighboring city is a bit of a tourist spot, lots of BNBS, wineries, that kind of thing.

We've been there together in the past for weekend trips. It looks like she and Jake might have gone there for a little getaway. I can't believe I'm typing that about my own wife. The receipts, or rather, the transaction history, are pretty talented. Unless she's secretly taken up a job as a travel critic or decided to treat herself to a solo night in a hotel, yeah right, I think I know what's really going on. I haven't confronted her yet. She's due back tomorrow evening, assuming she sticks to the story she told me. I'm not sure if she'll actually swing by her moms on the way home to keep up appearances or just come straight from wherever she really was.

But either way, I'm going to have to face this head on. I spent last night alternating between pacing around the house, checking my phone, and staring into space. I did manage to get a few hours of sleep after basically exhausting myself with adrenaline and anxiety. I've decided that when she gets home, I'm going to confront her privately. I don't want the kids to pick up on something being very wrong. I'm not sure yet if I'll do at the moment she walks in nor wait until the kids aren't around, but it will be that same day. I have all the evidence I need. She has no idea what I know.

Honestly, I don't even know how to start this conversation. I'm angry as hell, but also oddly calm right now, like my brain has switched into a cold, focused mode. I've been mentally rehearsing different ways it might go, but I suspect it'll all go off script once I'm standing in front of her. Update 2. I'm running on very little sleep, so I hope this update makes sense. Last night was, a lot. But I did it, I confronted my wife. It was, without a doubt, one of the hardest conversations I've ever had.

She got home around 6 p.m. Sunday, looking a little tired but otherwise acting normal. I was practically vibrating with nerves, trying to keep it together through dinner with the kids. I waited until after dinner because I didn't want the kids to pick up on anything. Once we got the kid settled for the night, they were going to be able to. went off to their rooms, likely on their phones or doing homework. I asked my wife if we could talk. I think my tone or expression must have tipped her off that something serious was up, because she looked immediately worried.

We went into our home office and closed the door. I was standing, she sat down. My heart was pounding out of my chest, but I tried to stay outwardly calm. I started by telling her that I knew she wasn't at her moms this weekend. At first, she played dumb, acting confused and insisting she was at her mom's, even pointing out that I'd talk to her mom as if that proved her story. I cut that off and told her plainly that I had spoken to her mom myself, and I knew she had lied to both of us. I also mentioned that I'd seen the phone records and the bank charges. Her eyes went white as saucers and she went pale.

Then came the waterworks, she burst into tears, apologizing and reaching for me. I stepped back and told her not to touch me. I wasn't yelling, I was just, cold. I asked her to explain herself, to just tell me the truth. She kept insisting it wasn't what I thought and that she had planned to tell me eventually. Which is just bullshit. If I hadn't caught her, I doubt she would have confessed anything. Eventually, she admitted that yes, she's been seeing Jake.

It started a few months ago. She claims it wasn't planned. They reconnected after her dad's funeral and at first it was just talking, reminiscing, leaning on each other while grieving. Then one day, one of them suggested meeting for coffee, which led to these meetups whenever she was in town. She swears it was only emotional at first, that they were just two old friends comforting each other and she felt guilty about even that, so she hid it. But as time went on, feelings got confused and lines were crossed.

She eventually admitted they did sleep together, the first time was on one of those weekend visits a couple months back. And yes, they met up this past weekend for a night away together, which I already basically knew from the evidence. She was crying hard by this point, saying she was sorry and that she never meant to hurt me, that losing her dad messed her up and she wasn't thinking straight. She said Jake was just there for her when she felt lost, but that she never stopped loving me. Honestly, hearing her try to rationalize it made me feel a disgust. I told her that leaning on an old friend is one thing, but carrying on a full-blown affair and lying about it is a choice. A conscious choice she made over and over.

I didn't hold back on telling her exactly how I felt. I reminded her that she knew damn well how broken I was after being cheated on in the past, and yet she went and did the one thing she promised she'd never do to me. I told her I'm especially blown away that she would betray me like this when we both had been cheated on before. It's like everything we built together, all the trust, was thrown away for. What? A fling with him. She kept trying to explain, saying it wasn't about me or about hurting me.

She claimed she was depressed, that she felt like she had this void, and reconnecting with him gave her an escape or something along those lines. I had zero sympathy for her so-called void that she never communicated to me. I asked if she was in love with him. She immediately said no, it wasn't like that, he was just someone who understood her during a tough time, but she never stopped loving me. Hard to feel loved by someone who sneaks off to a hotel with another man. At some point I realized our discussion had gone in circles, her sobbing and apologizing, trying to justify things, and me making it clear how deeply she broke us. I was just done. I told her I can't look at her right now and that I need space. I said I don't know what this means for our marriage yet, but I know I can't even begin

to think clearly with her in the house. She begged me not to make any big decisions on the spot, saying I should cool off. I let out a bitter laugh at that, I'm not the one who spent months sneaking around, I'm pretty damn cool-headed given the circumstances. Ultimately, I told her she should go stay with her mom for a while, starting tomorrow, Monday. It was already late by then and the kids were asleep, so we agreed she'd sleep in the guest room for the night. I sure as hell wasn't sharing a bed with her. I couldn't even stand being on the same floor, so I ended up crashing on the couch in the living room. I didn't sleep more than an hour or two, and I just wanted the night to be over. This morning was awkward as hell. We had to put on a facade for

the kids, since I'm not ready to tell them anything yet. We've always tried not to drag the kids into our issues, and I don't want to shatter their image of their mom overnight. We both got up and got the kids fed. We were civil but quiet. I'm sure the kids noticed something was off, my daughter even asked if everything was okay. I just told her that mom and I were a little tired and stressed with work stuff. Probably not convincing, but it was the best I could do. After the kids headed out for school, my wife asked if we could talk more. I told her I had nothing more to say right now beyond what I said last night. She then suggested counseling, for herself and maybe for us as a couple.

I told her flat out I'm not promising anything. I said my priority is just getting through the next few days and taking care of the kids, and that she needs to give me my space. She didn't argue. She just nodded and went to pack a bag. A couple hours ago, she left to go stay at her mom's. Before leaving, she reiterated that she's sorry and that she'll give me space, and she hopes we can talk again soon. I didn't really respond, aside for maybe a curt will see.

I feel like a zombie at the moment, exhausted, angry, numb, all at once. I haven't told anyone else yet, except all of you reading this. My plan for the immediate future is just to get through each day for the kids. sake. I'll have to figure out what to tell them, because they're going to notice their mom is absent. For now, we agreed on a short-term excuse that mom is helping Grandma for a little while is the reason she's not home. I hate lying to them, but I'm not ready to drag them into this mess until I have a better idea of what happens next. So that's where things stand. She's out of the house, and I'm here trying to process everything. I know some of you will probably say I should talk to

lawyer, and I likely will once my head stop spinning. I just, need a moment. This all still feels a bit unreal. Less than a week ago I thought we were a normal family dealing with everyday life. Now it feels like the floor has fallen out from under me. Update 3. It's been a few weeks since the confrontation, and I figured I'd post what's been happening. I wish I could tell you that I've got everything figured out. But the truth is this is still. a mess. We told the kids that were separated. Not the full truth of why, but we sat them down and explained that mom and dad are having serious issues and need to live apart for a while. As expected, it was rough. My daughter was upset and had a lot of questions I didn't know

how to answer without lying or hurting her. My son was quieter, I think he was just in shock. We reassured them that we both love them and that none of this is their fault. We told them their mom is staying with Grandma for now to give us some space. I'm pretty sure my 16-year-old has pieced together that it's more than just some issues. She's a smart kid and she's noticed how little her mom has been around, and the general tension in the house. But she hasn't asked me directly if someone cheated or anything. I did catch her looking at me with this mix of disappointment and worry that crushed me. I hate that our problems are hurting them.

My wife is still at her mom's place. She comes into town occasionally to see the kids on weekends, and I make myself scarce while she's here. We coordinate by text or brief calls only about the kids. I keep it strictly business. She's respected my request for distance, but she still occasionally sends me apologetic messages, saying she's working on herself and begging for a chance to talk about us. I haven't been ready to go there. As far as I'm concerned, there is no us at the moment.

From what I gather through my mill and brief updates from my wife, she's been a wreck. My mother-in-law has called me a couple of times to apologize and to assure me she doesn't blame me. Apparently my wife cries every day and has started individual therapy. My mill hasn't defended her daughter's actions at all, in fact, she sounded pretty angry with her for essentially blowing up our family. It's a weird position to be in, I actually feel bad for her. She's a recent widow who now has to watch her daughter's marriage fall apart. When we talked, we agreed that no matter what happens between me and my wife, the kids have to come first. She offered to help with the kids any time and told me I'm like a son to her, that won't change

even if things between her daughter and me do. That choked me up a bit. The whole situation is just as for me, I've been up and down. The first week after she left was the hardest. I barely slept or ate. During the day I went through the motions for the kids, and at night after they were in bed, I'd collapse on the couch. I even took a couple sick days because I couldn't focus on work. I eventually told my older brother what was going on.

He was furious and insisted I'd come stay with him, but I didn't want to uproot the kids. Instead, he's been coming by to check on us when he can. on us when he can. I also confided in a close friend, ironically, he went through a divorce after he was the one who cheated, but he has turned his life around since then, so he's giving me perspective from the other side. He's been a good listener, and he nudged me to at least consult a lawyer. Speaking of lawyers, I have quietly consulted one. I haven't filed anything yet, but I wanted to know my options and what a divorce might look like after 18 years of marriage. It was a sobering conversation about dividing assets, custody arrangements, possibly selling the house, all that fun stuff.

It made this whole ordeal feel more depressing. I haven't made any final decisions about filing. Part of me feels like it's inevitable, I truly don't know if I can ever trust her again, and without trust, what is there to salvage? Another part hesitates, mainly because of the kids and honestly because ending such a long marriage is really over. overwhelming. I'm torn. Some days I wake up sure I want to end it and move on. Other days I see an old photo or get reminded of better times, and I feel profoundly sad and unsure of everything. One practical step I took was going to my doctor for a full STD screening, just to be safe, that was a humbling experience, explaining to my longtime doctor why I suddenly needed

those tests. Thankfully everything came back negative, small mercies. My wife has been asking to sit down and talk, with or without a counselor. For now I've said no and told her I'll let her know if or when I'm ever ready. Right now, the thought of sitting across from her listening to apologies or her explanations just makes me angry. She claims she's willing to do anything to fix this, but I'm not sure there's any fixing it. I haven't ruled out hearing her out eventually, maybe for closure or for the sake of co-parenting, but I'm nowhere near that point yet. So the plan, if you can call it that, is to continue as we are for now. We're separated, focusing on the kids, and getting through the day to day.

The holidays are coming up, which will be tough to navigate. Funny how life doesn't pause when your personal life implodes, I've made it clear to my wife that I'm not making any promises beyond the present. She knows there's a very real chance I'll decide to file for divorce in the near future. She says she understands and won't fight it if that's what I choose. I wish I had some profound wisdom or silver lining to share, but I'm still very much in it. Maybe in time I'll have more clarity, or maybe I won't. For now, I'm focusing on my kids and getting through each day.

It's messy and it hurts, but at least now everything is out in the open. I know what I'm dealing with now, and I'll figure out. I hope you enjoy this story. Spouse Journey companion appeared at our celebration of years together masquerading as a courier and addressed her affectionately in front of me and our children solely due to her. Wanted to compare us side by side and see whether I would fight for her. I, 37M, have been married to my wife, 35F, for 15 years, and we have two children together, ages 13 and 10. Last month was our wedding anniversary, so we decided to have a small celebration at home with our kids and a few close friends. I was excited and had planned a nice evening to commemorate our years

together. Little did I know, my wife had her own secret plans for that night. The evening started off well enough. We had dinner, cut our anniversary cake, and I gave my wife a thoughtful gift. She seemed happy at first, but I noticed she was a bit anxious or distracted as the night went on. She kept glancing at her phone and stepping out of the room occasionally. I figured maybe she had some surprise planned for me and tried not to overthink it. At around 8 p.m., the doorbell rang. I wasn't expecting any more guests or deliveries, so I assumed it might be a neighbor or maybe a mix-up. My wife jumped up almost immediately and said, I'll get it.

In a voice that sounded oddly eager. I followed behind her out of curiosity, and I followed behind her out of curiosity, and I our kids trailed along because, well, kids are always interested when someone's at the door. My wife opened the door, and there stood a man holding a large bouquet of flowers and a bottle of champagne. He was dressed in a polo shirt with a logo, like he could be a delivery driver from a local gift service or something. I didn't recognize him at first glance. The man smiled and said, special delivery for the lovely couple, happy anniversary. It seemed like a sweet surprise. I actually thought for a second that maybe one of our friends had sent us a gift or my wife arranged something romantic.

But then things got strange fast. The guy handed my wife the flowers and leaned in a bit and added in a lower voice, You look gorgeous tonight, babe. I was standing right behind my wife and immediately said the F, babe. That's not something you call a stranger or a customer you're delivering to, especially not in front of her husband and kids. My wife's reaction was even more telling. She went visibly red in the face, not the happy blushing kind of red, but the caught off guard and guilty kind.

She let out this nervous laugh and quickly glanced back at me and the kids. Our 13-year-old's eyes went wide because he definitely caught the word babe. My 10-year-old looked confused and whispered, did he just call Mom Babe? I stepped forward, trying to keep my cool. Excuse me, what did you just say? I asked the guy, giving him a hard look. He seemed to realize I was there for the first time. Instead of apologizing, he chuckled and said, oh, I was just, ah, making sure I had the right address.

The hot milf at the door matches the description. And I swear he winked at her. Yes, he actually called my wife a hot milf right in front of me and our kids. I could feel my blood pressure shoot through the roof. The kids were right there hearing this random man, at least I thought he was a random delivery man at the time, call their mom a hot milf and babe. It was wildly inappropriate.

My 13-year-old daughter looked absolutely appalled and blurted out, you, what? While my son was still just confused, possibly not knowing what milf means. My wife quickly tried to defuse the situation. She grabbed the champagne bottle from him and said, Thanks, that'll be all. Her tone was polite, but I could hear the panic under it.

She practically pushed the guy back toward the doorway as if to usher him out before he said anything else. I was standing there, frozen between wanting to yell at this guy and not wanting to blow up completely in front of my kids. Before I could do or say anything more, the man gave a little wave and said, enjoy, beautiful. See you around. Then he turned and left down our driveway. I was left standing at the door, staring after him in shock. I shut the door and immediately rounded on my wife. The kids were still standing in the foyer, and I didn't want to cause a huge scene in front of them.

I mustered the calmest voice I could and told them, why don't you two go enjoy the cake in the kitchen? We'll be right there. My daughter looked like she wanted to ask a million questions, but she led her little brother away, leaving me and my wife in the entryway. As soon as the kids were out of earshot, I asked my wife, what the hell was that about? Do you know that guy? She had her back to me, closing the door and fiddling with the lock in unnecessary ways, clearly trying to avoid looking at me. It's nothing, she said quickly.

He was just some delivery driver. Probably confused our house with someone else's or got too friendly, I guess. Let's not let it ruin the evening, okay. She tried to brush past me, but I stepped in front of her, not letting it go. He called you babe. And milf. That's not normal delivery guy behavior. How would a random delivery guy even know you're a mom?

I was whispering harshly, trying not to yell because the kids were just in the next room. My wife crossed her arms and avoided I contact. I don't know, maybe he's just a creep, she mumbled. I didn't invite him, if that's what you're thinking. He probably had the wrong address and was asking if this was the right place for the delivery. That made no sense to me. He had the right address, clearly, because he specifically wished us a happy anniversary and brought gifts that were spot on for an anniversary celebration.

And if he was lost, why would he call her babe and say she matched the description? My gut was screaming that my wife was lying. I kept pressing, why did he say see you around like you know each other? And why did you look like a deer in headlights when you open the door? I could see tears welling up in her eyes at this point, but she was also getting defensive. She snapped, I can't control what some random delivery creep says. I was surprised, okay. Let it go.

Please, can we just go back and finish the evening? At this stage, I was suspicious, but I was also aware that if I pushed too hard right then, things might explode in front of the children. So I agreed to drop it for now. The rest of the night was awkward as hell. I was tense and quiet, my wife was pretending to act normal, but I could tell she was rattled, and the kids definitely sensed something was off. We wrapped up the celebration pretty quickly.

I didn't even drink the champagne that was delivered, I had a feeling it would taste like poison going down. After we put the kids to bed, I confronted my wife again in private. I told her straight up that I did not believe her story. There were too many coincidences, a delivery guy showing up at exactly our anniversary party time with gifts, knowing to say happy anniversary, calling her pet names like Babe and Hot Milk, and acting over overly familiar. Either this guy was the boldest pervert ever, or something was going on between them. My wife doubled down on her story. She insisted he must have been an overly friendly driver, or that maybe he was drunk or high in just saying things. She said I was overreacting and ruining

our anniversary by not trusting her. Then she actually got mad at me for interrogating her on a special day. She was crying by then, accusing me of spoiling the evening and accusing her of terrible things. I felt like I was going crazy. I ended up sleeping on the couch that night because I was too angry and hurt to lie next to her. The next morning, while my wife was still asleep, I decided I needed answers for my own sanity. I remembered the logo on the polo shirt that delivery guy wore. It was for a local courier company. So I didn't. So I didn't. I didn't. I didn't something a bit sneaky, I called that company pretending to inquire about a delivery mix-up at my address the night before. After a couple of transfers, I got a manager who checked and said they had no scheduled deliveries to our address that day.

The gifts that arrived, flowers and champagne, were not from any order in their system. That meant whoever that man was, he wasn't just some courier who randomly showed up at the wrong house. Those gifts weren't some mistaken delivery, they were specifically meant. for us. And my wife was the one who knew about them. She jumped to get the door, after all. I confronted my wife with this information as soon as she woke up. I expected more denial, but instead she finally cracked. First, she tried to claim, oh, maybe it was a different company or a private service. When I told her I wasn't buying any more lies, she finally admitted the truth, or at least part of it. She confessed that the man

at the door was someone she knows from work. But she still tried to downplay it, saying she had invited him only to drop off the surprise gifts as a nice gesture for our anniversary. She claimed she thought it would be fun and harmless to have him show up as a pretend delivery guy and make our evening special. I was stunned. How is having some guy call you babe and milf in front of our kids supposed to be harmless or fun? I asked, she started backpedling, saying she didn't expect him to say those things and that he must have misunderstood his role in the surprise. It didn't take long for the rest of the ugly truth to come out. I asked point blank if this was the same guy she's been texting non-stop lately. I had noticed her guarding her phone the

past few months, which I foolishly chalked up to normal privacy or maybe planning a surprise for me. Turns out I was half right. It was a surprise, just not the kind I'd ever want. She went quiet. She went and started sobbing. That was all the confirmation I needed. She finally admitted that she and this man, let's call him Jason, not his real name, had developed feelings for each other over the past several months at work. It started as friendship, then turned into flirtation. By now I was basically extracting a confession. I asked if she'd been having an affair with him. She claimed it wasn't physical, yet, and that she was confused about her feelings. They had been texting and calling outside of work, and yes, it was definitely emotional cheating and headed toward

physical if it hadn't happened already. At this point, I was furious and devastated all at once. I could barely speak without my voice shaking. I asked her why on earth she would invite him to our anniversary, of all things. Her answer left me speechless. She wanted to see us both in the same setting to compare. In her messed up logic, she thought if she saw Jason and me interact, or just saw a side by side, she could figure out what she really wanted. She literally expected me to compete in some absurd triangle that she created, maybe subconsciously. She hoped I'd somehow prove I was the better choice, or perhaps she was hoping Jason would.

I don't even know. She tried to justify it by saying she had been feeling unhappy and that Jason was so, charming and attentive at work, and she wanted to evaluate whether her feelings for him were real or just a fantasy by seeing him in real life next to her husband and family. She also admitted that a part of her wanted me to notice and fight for her, she said, I thought if you saw someone else was interested in me, you'd step up and we'd rekindle things. That blew my mind. My wife basically arranged a honeypot situation in our own home, on our anniversary,

using this other man as bait, just to see if I would get jealous and fight to win her back or something. I was done with this conversation. Actually, I was done with the marriage right then. Something in me snapped. I told her there was nothing left to fight for if she didn't already know she wanted our family over some fling. I was disgusted that she would put our kids in the middle of this, too, because whether she meant to or not, she did involve them by inviting that man into our home and letting them witness her being called those things. She started crying harder, apologizing and saying she made a huge mistake in that she loves me and the kids.

She pleaded with me not to make any rash decisions. But to me, this wasn't rash at all. It was a moment of absolute clarity. I told her I would be filing for divorce immediately. If Jason was such a nicer guy and made her feel so special, she was welcome to go to him, but I wouldn't stay married to someone who would humiliate me and toy with my feelings like this. She kept saying I was overreacting and that I should at least give her a chance to fix this. Fix what? She knowingly invited her a fair partner to our anniversary. That's not a mistake, that's a series of conscious choices with disrespect at every step. I packed an overnight bag that morning and left the house with the kids to go to my brother's place. I wanted to get them away from the tension, and honestly I needed to clear my head.

I told the kids in a calm way that mom and dad had a serious argument and we needed a little space. I didn't badmouth their mother to them, but I think my daughter at least has an idea something really bad happened. She later texted her mom and got some kind of half-baked explanation. Anyway, as soon as the courthouse opened on the next business day, I filed for divorce. I did, didn't even wait to cool down because, frankly, I didn't feel this was a heat of the moment thing I'd regret. It was a betrayal and a mind game that I could never have imagined my wife would pull. Now, some people in my life are saying I'm acting too quickly and that I should have tried

marriage counseling or at least waited a while to see if we could rebuild trust. My own mother, who generally adores my wife, was shocked by the news and told me she understands I'm hurt but marriage is for better or worse and that maybe this affair was just an emotional fling that we could overcome with therapy. A couple of our mutual friends have also reached out, surprised that I filed so fast, saying things like, are you sure you're not overreacting? It was just an anniversary prank gone wrong, maybe. That last comment makes me furious because that prank excuse is exactly what my wife tried to feed some people. She's been saying it was all a misunderstanding. But from where I stand, there's no misunderstanding. So here I am,

paperwork filed, staying at my brother's house for now with my kids, trying to put on a brave face for them. My wife, or should I say soon to be ex-wife, is blowing up my phone with texts apologizing one minute, then accusing me of giving up on the family the next. It's a roller coaster of manipulation and I'm having none of it. I've barely responded to her, except to discuss arrangements for the kids and to tell her to talk to my lawyer if she need something. I'm beyond angry and deeply hurt, but I'm trying to stay civil for the sake of our children. Why filing for divorce instead of working on it, as some have suggested? So, Reddit, Ida for walking away instantly and not giving my wife a second chance after she

literally invited her a fair partner to our anniversary party to compare us? Update 1. First, I want to thank everyone for the overwhelming support and clarity. in your comments. The general consensus was that I'm not the asshole here, and reading your perspectives really solidified my own. It's been about two weeks since my original post, and a lot has happened. Unfortunately, it seems my wife, let's just call her my STBX, soon to BX, has been busy doing damage control in the most dishonest way possible. To put it bluntly, my wife has been telling anyone who will listen that I misunderstood the whole anniversary night incident. According to a revisionist version of events, the man who showed up was just a

confused delivery driver who was asking for directions to a different address, and apparently I blew up over nothing. She's making it sound like some poor guy came to the door, maybe said a joke that I took the wrong way, and that I lost my mind and decided to divorce her on the spot for it. I found out she was spreading this story because I got a call from my mother-in-law, her own mom. My Mill was very concerned and a bit accusatory, asking me why I was breaking up the family over a misunderstanding with a delivery person. You can imagine my confusion hearing that. I asked Mill what exactly my wife had told her. That's when I learned the full fake story, my wife told her parents, and who knows who else, that the guy at the door was delivering a gift, got the wrong house at first,

and when asking if this was the right address he supposedly made an offhand flirty comment. She claims he said something dumb like oops, sorry babe, wrong house, and that I misheard it or overreacted to it. She completely left out the part where she knew the guy, invited him, and certainly the part about him calling her a hot milf. I calmly filled my mother-in-law in on the real story. I told her, point-blank, that the man was not some random lost driver, he was my wife's a fair partner, whom she invited deliberately. I also told her about the explicit things he said to my wife right in front of me and the kids. My mill got very quiet, clearly devastated, and she even apologized to me on her daughter's behalf. It was a bit of a role reversal,

her apologizing for her daughter's behavior. I felt bad for my mill, but I'm also furious that my wife put us all in this position. Apparently, my wife had been telling not just her parents, but also some mutual friends that I overreacted to a misunderstanding. Two of these friends, a couple we've known for years, actually took me out for coffee to gently suggest I might be making a mistake by rushing to divorce. They said things like, maybe it really was just a poorly executed surprise or a prank that went wrong. She's telling us nothing happened.

I had to set them straight as well, without going into every sort of detail. I made it very clear, she cheated. She invited the guy to our home. There was no innocent misunderstanding. What really boils my blood is that she's trying to paint me a some irrational, jealous man who threw away our marriage over a misheard word. She's essentially gaslighting everyone around her. Meanwhile, I have proof of what actually happened.

At this stage, I don't even care to convince everyone, but I do care about a few key people, like our families, knowing the truth, especially for the sake of my kids. Speaking of the kids, they are doing okay, given the circumstances. We've kept them out of the he said she said as much as possible, but they're smart. My daughter in particular doesn't believe her mom's story at all. Actually, my STB Ax apparently tried to feed our kids a similar line about that man at the door, that he was just a silly guy who got the wrong house and that daddy overreacted because he thought mommy knew him. Well, our 13-year-old shut that down real quick. She told her mom point-blank that

she heard what the man said, both the babe and the hot milk comment, and that it was obvious he wasn't just asking for directions. Apparently, my daughter even said something along the lines of, Mom, do you think I'm stupid? Delivery guys don't call people hot milk when they're lost. I wasn't there for that conversation. My STBX told me later in an angry text that our daughter was being rude and turning against her, which, oh, gee, I wonder why, but I gave my kid a big hug and told her I'm proud of her for trusting her instincts. My 10-year-old son is a bit more shielded from all this. I think he was confused by what he heard that night.

And we've only explained to him in simple terms that mom did something hurtful to dad. He doesn't know the details, nor does he need to at his age, but even he sensed that the delivery guy wasn't normal. Right now, I'm staying at our home with the kids, and my wife is the one who has moved out to her friend's place. She went to stay with a co-worker girlfriend of hers after I filed. Since I refused to leave the house for the long term, the kids need stability. We're doing a sort of informal week-on-slash-week-off thing with the kids until lawyers and the court figure out a formal custody arrangement. When it's her week, she's been coming to stay at the house with them. I stay elsewhere those days, usually at my brothers.

It's awkward, but we're trying to keep the kids' lives as normal as possible. On the legal front, my wife was served the divorce papers. She was furious about that, alternating between texting me angry messages about how I'm giving up on us without a fight and then pleading with me to talk to her and reconsider. I told her the time for talking was the night of our anniversary, before she decided to pull this stunt, not after. After. Right now, I'm communicating only as much as necessary for the kids and legal stuff. Emotionally, it's been a rough couple of weeks for me, not going to lie. The initial adrenaline and anger have worn off a bit and I feel more sadness and disbelief that this is where we ended up. But every time I even vaguely entertain the thought of was I too hasty? I remind myself of that

scene at the door, and of the fact that she orchestrated it. Any lingering sympathy I have gets incised over by the sheer audacity of her actions. And seeing her try to rewrite history and make me out to be crazy or irrational just confirms that I made the right call. If she were genuinely remorseful and honest, she wouldn't be spouting these lies. The fact is, she cares more about protecting her own image than actually fixing what she did. So yeah, at this point, my wife is running around telling folks a fairy tale about a confused delivery man, while I'm just trying to move on.

Update 2, I got the proof I needed. A few days after the first update, I ended up having a direct encounter with Jason, the affair partner. It was partly by chance and partly because I was looking for answers. Here's what happened, I went out with a couple of close friends to grab a beer at a local bar. Lo and behold, who do I see shooting pool with some buddies in the corner? Jason, the very same guy who showed up at my door. My heart started pounding when I spotted him. My friends noticed my stare and I quietly told them that was the guy.

One of my friends immediately got up like he was ready to go over and kick Jason's ass on my behalf. I stopped him, the last thing I needed was a bar fight. Instead, I decided I'd approach Jason calmly, man to man. But I was going to be smart about it. I hit the record button on my phone, I had a voice recording app ready. maybe a bit paranoid, but after all the lies floating around, I wanted everything documented, and walked over to the pool table. My other friend trailed behind me just in case things went south.

Jason recognized me as I walked up. I could see a flicker of oh shit in his eyes. To his credit, he didn't run or try to hide. I said, got a minute. I think we should talk. His friends looked at me like they expected a punch, but I could. kept my voice level and calm. Jason nodded and actually followed me to a quieter corner by the bar. He started with, look, man, I don't want any trouble. I told him I didn't either,

I just wanted the truth. I said something like, I know my wife invited you to that party. I know something's been going on. Just be honest with me. I'm not here to swing at you, I just need to hear it from you. Whether it was the beers he'd had or just that he was over the whole mess, Jason opened up. And boy, did he confirm everything. I had the entire conversation on tape, well, digital recording, but you get me. Some standout bits, he admitted that my wife invited him to our house that night. She had told him it was an open house-style casual anniversary gathering and that he should drop by.

So her whole story about him randomly showing up lost. Complete BS, he said he didn't realize I was totally in the dark about him. In his words, she told me you guys were pretty much done, like you were separated or she was about to leave. I figured you knew she had someone new or that you two had an arrangement. I nearly laughed in a grim way when he said that. An arrangement? My wife had basically led him to believe we were on the verge of the day. divorce before she ever pulled this stunt. He went on to say that my wife told him she was

walking away from her marriage and that I didn't appreciate her. Those were his words. It made me sick to hear, but also furious, because not only was she cheating, she was also running my name through the mud to justify it. He admitted calling her those names was a dumb, impulsive move and apologized, saying he hadn't realized our kids were right there. Perhaps the biggest confirmation of all, I directly asked him, so, just to be 100% clear, she invited you there expecting I'd see you, and she told you she was ending our marriage. And he responded, yes. She said she wanted me there because she was going to talk to you afterwards and end it.

She thought having me around, even just briefly, would. I don't know, give her confidence or something. She said you two were basically over. I'm sorry, man. That I'm sorry, man came with a shrug, like he didn't really know what else to say. And honestly, what could he say? I just nodded. Weirdly, I didn't feel like punching him at all at that moment.

I mostly felt this immense relief mingled with rage and sadness. I thanked Jason for being honest. He actually seemed a bit surprised that I was so calm. I told him, look, I appreciate him. it. And I'm not gonna lie, I hate what you did with my wife, but she's the one who owed me loyalty, not you. At least you're owning up to it now. He nodded and kind of scratched the back of his head, saying he felt bad about how things went down. He even said he was shocked when he heard I filed for divorce immediately, because my wife had apparently been acting like I was

some neglectful, cruel husband. The whole conversation lasted maybe 10 to 15 minutes. I walked back to my friends with the recording still going, and when I stopped it and showed it to them, they were stunned. One friend gave me a bro hug and said, well, at least you've got the truth now, even if it sucks. I have since made copies of that recording and transcribed the key parts. 2. I forwarded a copy of the recording to my lawyer, just in case it might be useful in the divorce and custody proceedings. I also played the key parts of the recording for my in-laws, omitting some names to keep it civil. They were devastated. They apologized to me for their daughter's actions and have been very supportive of me and the kids.

I'm relieved that my relationship with them remains intact, their good people and loving grandparents, and none of this is their fault. As for my STBX, I haven't told her about the recording yet. She's still sticking to her public story that nothing happened. and avoids discussing details with me, apart from begging me to meet and talk or reconsider, which I'm not entertaining. At this stage, I'm focusing on my kids and the divorce process. I feel vindicated knowing the full truth, but it's also incredibly depressing.

The woman I spent 15 years with has morphed into someone I don't recognize, someone who lies, cheats, and then lies even more to cover it up. At least now I have the closure of knowing it wasn't all in my head. The big remaining issue now is helping my kids get through this, especially as more people in our community, school, mutual friends, inevitably find out about the divorce. I haven't told them about the recording or the affair details, that would be inappropriate and hurtful for them to hear. I just reassure them that both mom and dad love them very much, but we can't stay married because mom broke dad's trust. They seem to get it at a basic level, my daughter certainly does, and my son, in his own way, does too. Final update, I wish I could say that after all this, things settled down quietly, but there was one more ugly episode.

This one, sadly, involves my kids directly and has pretty much shattered whatever remaining relationship they might have had with their mother. During one of my wife's custody days a little while back, she apparently decided it was time to set the record straight with our children, from her twisted point of view. I only learned the full details after the fact, when my daughter came home extremely upset. Here's what happened, as my daughter explained it to me, they were at my wife's apartment, she's renting a small place now. My wife sat the kids down for a talk. She then proceeded to tell them that Daddy has been very mean to mommy and that everything going on, the divorce, the separation, is because I'm not nice to her. She actually

told them, Daddy is mean to Mommy, and Mommy has a friend from work who is a nicer man and just wants Mommy to be happy. Yes, she straight up introduced the concept of her friend from work being a nicer man. Essentially, she was trying to justify her affair to a 13-year-old and a 10-year-old by painting me as some sort of villain who drove her to it. Unbelievable. Apparently, my daughter saw red at that. She told her mom in no uncertain terms that she didn't want to hear her. According to my daughter, she literally said, Mom, stop. We know you lied. We know that friend was the guy at the party. If you think he's so nice, go be with him, but don't expect us to approve or like him. And don't lie about Dad, he has not been mean to you. We were there. We've seen what really happened.

My wife allegedly broke down and tried to hug my daughter, saying she didn't understand. My daughter backed away and told her, no, Mom, you don't understand. You broke Dad's heart and you hurt all of us. This is all on you. Meanwhile, my 10-year-old son got so upset hearing her badmouthed me that he refused to even look at her. He told her, I want to go back to Dad's house, now. When she tried to convince him to stay and finish dinner, he apparently went to his room and started packing his overnight bag on his own. I got a flurry of texts that was muted by evening from my wife, but I didn't see them until later that night.

I don't check my phone constantly, and they weren't calls. She was saying things like I've turned the kids against her and asking if she could drop them at my place since they don't even want to talk to me. By the time I saw those messages, it was already handled, because my daughter actually called my brother, their uncle, to come pick them up from Mom's Place. My brother gladly retrieved them and brought them straight to me. When they got home, both kids were angry and distraught. I did my best to comfort them. I assured them that I love them and that I'm sorry they had to deal with that conversation. I told them that their mom is having a hard time facing what she did, and she said some things that

weren't true or fair. I also made sure to tell them it's okay to love their mom and that I will support them having a relationship with her, but I also affirmed that they never have to accept someone mistreating them or lying to them, even if it's a parent. Since that incident, neither of my kids has wanted to go back to my wife's place when it's supposed to be her parenting time. We've temporarily adjusted so that she comes to visit them at our house under my supervision, but even those visits are tense and very brief. The kids basically tolerate it for a bit and then find excuses to go to their rooms or go out. It's pretty clear that, at least for now, they've lost a lot of respect for

their mom. My wife has begged me to help repair her relationship with the kids, but I told her flat out that that's entirely up to her. I can encourage basic respect, and I have, but I'm not going to force them to ignore what they live through. She tried to blame me again for poisoning them, but the irony is that she did this to herself. All I ever did was tell the truth, and honestly I shielded the kids from the worst of it. They figured a lot out on their own. Right now, my priority is making sure the kids feel safe and loved. I've gotten them into therapy to help process all of this, and I'm getting some therapy

myself, which I probably needed from day one. It's helping, little by little. As for the marriage, it's going to be over in the coming months, obviously. Edit, small update, I have officially been divorced for about a week now, it took eight months to finalize. I have zero regrets for the choice I made to end the marriage immediately. If anything, each development after my original post only proved that I made the right call. My focus now is on being the best father I can be.

My kids and I are doing okay, we've got a long healing journey ahead, but we have each other's backs. As for my ex, well, she made her choices. I hope she finds whatever it is she would. was looking for, but that's no longer my concern. Thank you to everyone who followed our story. I'm signing off now, hopefully for good. And no, in case anyone wonders, she and Jason didn't even end up together in the end. Last I heard, he felt things were too messy and backed off. So all that drama was truly for nothing. What a waste. You. I hope you enjoy this story. referred to me as a cash machine in the presence of her colleagues during a gathering, subsequently

her associate presented me with images demonstrating she was engaging in a romantic relationship and informing her paramour about us. Had an open marriage. So I opened Mari finally decided to leave her. I never imagined I'd be in this situation. My wife, 32F, and I, 34M, have been married for six years. Up until now, I thought we had a solid marriage. But a few days ago, something happened. Last weekend, my wife took me to a party to meet her new work friends. She recently started a new job and has been spending a lot of time with these co-workers. I'll admit I felt a bit left out lately as she'd been going to happy hours and outings without me, so I was looking forward to meeting the people she talks about all the time. When we got to the party, at a day, at a day,

downtown bar, my wife more or less ditched me to mingle with her colleagues. I tried to tag along and join the conversation, but she barely acknowledged me. She introduced me once in passing, oh, this is my husband, without even using my name, and then went right back to chatting and laughing with them as if I wasn't there. I ended up standing at the edge of her group feeling like an awkward extra. Every attempt I made to engage was ignored or quickly brushed off. It was humiliated, and confusing. To make things worse, one of her co-workers, let's call him Mike, mid-30s guy, was very friendly with her. He kept leaning in close, putting a hand on her shoulder or back, and she didn't seem to mind at all. In fact, she was flirting back, laughing at all his jokes,

touching his arm occasionally. I even saw him slip his arm around her waist at one point, and she just smiled. I tried to step in subtly by standing next to. I tried to step in subtly by standing next to her and saying, hey, everything okay here. She just gave me a brief dismissive look and said, we're fine, we're just talking, without even introducing me to Mike properly. He gave me a smug kind of smirk before letting her go. I didn't want to make a scene, so I swallowed my anger and kept my distance, though one of the other women at the party, an old college friend of my wife's, who I'll call Anna, noticed I was uncomfortable. She came over to chat with me so I wouldn't be standing alone, which I really appreciated. Even Anna quietly commented that it didn't seem

like Mike knew I was the husband. I felt completely sidelined by my own wife. Then later in the evening, the group was pretty drunk and loud, I was mostly sober. I was standing a few feet behind my wife and a couple of her friends, including Mike. They probably thought I couldn't hear. Over the music, I heard my wife laugh and say, Oh him. Don't mind him, he's just my ATM. I thought I must have misheard. But then Mike made a joke, ATM. So he's footing the bill tonight. And my wife, still laughing, said he basically funds my lifestyle. That's what a husband's for, right? All while I was right there. I cannot describe how hurt and furious I was hearing that. She was talking about me like I was a wallet, not a partner, and doing it in front of these new friends. I stepped back, my wife turned around, and her eyes widened briefly, she realized I hurt. But instead of apologizing, she just played dumb. She had the nerve to ask, hey, you okay.

You look upset. I was so angry I could barely speak. I just said I needed some fresh air and walked out. She didn't follow me or even check on me. Anna saw me leave and came outside to see if I was all right. I ended up venting to her about what I'd heard. Anna admitted she heard it too and that it was messed up. She apologized on my wife's behalf and was clearly uncomfortable with the whole situation.

I decided I wasn't going back into that party. I texted my wife that I was going home and that she could catch a ride with someone else. Then I got a cab and left. I spent the ride home feeling absolutely humiliated and heart sick. Six years of marriage, and that's how she talks about me. Like I'm just an ATM to fund her fun. She didn't even text or call to see if I was okay. She got home around 1 or 2 a.m., pretty drunk.

I was still awake, and I immediately confronted her. I asked her, what the hell was that? Why would she call me just an ATM and treat me like I didn't exist all night? At first she tried to play it off as a joke. It was just girl talk, everyone jokes about their husbands like that, she said. She accused me of overreacting and embarrassing her by leaving. I told her it wasn't a joke to me. It was deeply disrespectful.

I said it felt like she only values me for my money. She kept deflecting, saying I misunderstood. and that I was being too sensitive. When that didn't work, she got defensive. She actually blamed me for the situation, saying if I had acted like a real husband and been more sociable, she wouldn't have made such a joke. She claimed I was sulking in the corner and made her look bad in front of her friends. This blew my mind. I only hung back because she was ignoring me. We had a huge argument. She went from making excuses to attacking me. She even said I hadn't been acting like a husband for months and that I had given up on us first.

For context, I have been working long hours lately due to a promotion, which she had seemed to support. I always tried to make time for us, but she's been busy with her new friends and often brushed me off. Hearing her twist things like that felt like gaslighting, nothing got resolved that night. Eventually she got tired of the fight, told me I was overreacting, and went to sleep as if she hadn't just nuked our marriage. I slept in the guest room, unable to calm down. Over the next couple of days, we barely spoke. She acted annoyed with me, like I was the one causing drama. She even tried to be affectionate once as if she could smooth it over, but I rebuffed her.

I was still too angry and hurt. She told me to get over it and that I can't handle her having a social life. It was unbelievable. I was considering suggesting marriage counseling, or at least a serious sober talk, because despite everything, part of me didn't want to throw away six years without trying to fix it. But then, a few days after the party, I got a message. Anna, my wife's friend from the party who checked on me, somehow got my number and reached out. She said she needed to show me something regarding my wife.

We met up in person and Anna brought receipts, literal screenshots of conversations and even a short video from that turns out, my wife has been having an affair with that co-worker, Mike. According to Anna, it's been going on for a while, weeks or months. Anna only recently found out herself and was disgusted by it, especially after seeing what happened at the party. My wife apparently told her to mind her own business when Anna confronted her afterward. So instead Anna decided to tell me the truth. The screenshots were of text messages between my wife and Mike, she got them by pure luck when my wife was over at her home. My wife had went to the bathroom with her phone unlocked, but she kept getting messages so Anna decided to check. She found the messages and took a screen recording video since she didn't have much time.

She got whatever she could get and sent it to herself and deleted everything from my wife's phone and later took the screenshots from that video to show me. They talked about meeting up, her saying she missed him, even references to things they did together. It was brutal to read. But the worst part was seeing that my wife had lied to him about our marriage. In one exchange, Mike was worried I might find out, and my wife responded along the lines of, don't worry, he's fine with it. We have an open marriage, it's all cool. She basically told him that I either knew and approved or that I didn't care. In another, she said something like, he knows he can't satisfy me like you do, so he's okay with this.

I felt sick. Not only was she cheating, she was portraying me as some pathetic doormat who just pays her bills while she fools around. Anna also had a short video clip from the party, my wife dancing really closely with Mike, basically all over each other, while their co-workers cheered. I must have already left or been outside when that happened. It was like a knife in the heart to see. By the end of all this, I was just numb. I thanked Anna for showing me, she said she couldn't watch my wife treat me like that.

Anna told me she's been friends with my wife for years, but after seeing this she's lost all respect for her. Now I'm sitting here with all this evidence, feeling like my entire marriage. was a lie. My wife doesn't know I have this info yet. We're still barely speaking, she thinks I'm just mad about the party. She has no idea I know she's been cheating. Honestly, I'm devastated. I think this marriage is over. I haven't confronted her about the affair yet, I'm still processing and planning my next steps. I'm considering getting a lawyer before I bring it up to her. I know that once I reveal what I know, all hell will break loose. I never thought I'd be the guy posting

something like this, but I really need some advice. Update 1, first of all, thank you to everyone who commented on my original post. The support and advice really helped me steal myself for what I had to do. It's been an incredibly tough few days, but I didn't waste any time. Within a day of reading the comments, I consulted a divorce attorney. I brought all the evidence. I brought all the evidence Anna gave me, screenshots of the affair texts, etc. The lawyer advised me to gather and secure all evidence and to avoid tipping off my wife until I had things in order. We don't have kids and the house is in my name, I bought it before marriage, so that makes things easier. I filed for divorce almost immediately. I haven't served her the papers yet, that will happen

in the next day or two, but I wanted to get everything rolling fast. I also decided to confront my with the evidence before serving her. The night before last, I sat her down and told her straight up that I knew about her affair. I didn't give specifics of how I found out, I just said I had proof. I'll admit, I was shaking with anger and hurt, but I managed to stay relatively calm in my words. As expected, she tried to deny it at first. She acted confused and said stuff like, What Are You Talking About? There's no affair.

I let her lie for a minute while I pulled out printed copies of some of the texts, yes, I printed them. I handed them to her. The look on her face when she saw her own messages to Mike was something I'll never forget, her face just fell. Then the excuses started. She claimed the texts weren't what they look like. That it was just flirting and only happened a few times, she said she was lonely and upset with me and it just got out of hand. When she realized, I wasn't buying it, she switched to trying to justify it. She said I hadn't been there for her emotionally, that I basically drove her to it by neglecting her. She even threw out, well, you gave up on us first, so I thought you didn't care.

Hearing her used that line again, the same one she used during our fight after the party, was infuriating. It's blatant gaslighting. I called her out, I said her trying to blame me for her choice to cheat was ridiculous. At one point, she got angry that I had snooped, she assumed I dug through her phone or something. She demanded, who showed you these? Was it Anna? I didn't answer that directly, I didn't want to get Anna in trouble with her, though my wife isn't dumb and probably suspects. I just said, I have my sources.

The point is, I know everything. Finally, she broke down crying and apologizing. But even her apology was full of self. She said she was sorry she hurt me, but then followed it up with, I was so unhappy, I didn't know what else to do, still trying to make herself the victim. She begged me not to throw away our marriage and claimed she'd do anything to fix this. I told her calmly that she threw away the marriage when she decided to carry on an affair and publicly disrespect me. I told her I had already filed for divorce. She looked shocked and then hysterical, saying she didn't mean for it to

this far and that I was making a rash decision. She said couples come back from infidelity and that we should at least try counseling. I was pretty much done at that point. I told her there was no chance. I also couldn't resist telling her that I knew about her telling Mike we had an open marriage. Her eyes got huge and she started saying, it was just a lie so he wouldn't feel guilty, I knew it was wrong. Honestly, that part just made me sick all over again. I told her that lie was the final nail in the coffin for me, not only did she cheat, she actively tried to rewrite our marriage as something meaningless. The conversation went on for a while, her crying and alternating between apologizing and lashing

out an anger that I was giving up on us so easily, she said I was being cruel by not even giving her a chance. I reminded her that I'd been trying to fix things for months while she was the one sneaking around. By the end of that confrontation, I made it crystal clear, we are. done. I will be moving forward with the divorce, and I want her out of the house. That last part triggered another burst of anger from her. She yelled that I was heartless and that I never really loved her if I could kick her out so fast. I didn't engage with the insults, I just told her

to go stay with a friend or something because I can't bear to be around her. Legally, I know I can't force her out immediately if it's also her residence, but the house is indeed mine from before marriage, and my lawyer said I can ask her to leave and then work it out formally in the divorce agreement. She's still here in the house for now, but we're sleeping in separate rooms and barely speaking except for her occasional outbursts or sobbing. It's tense and miserable, but I know it's temporary. I plan to have her served with the papers very soon, and I've made arrangements with my lawyer about a formal move-out timeline for her. A small side note, I learned, through Anna, who I've been in touch with, that my wife's affair partner, Mike, was under the impression that our marriage was essentially

over or open. When my wife told him I found out and that I was furious, apparently he realized she had been lying to him too. According to Anna, Mike was freaked out that he'd been unknowingly dragged into a full-on affair, he thought I was okay with it. I'm not sure of all the details, but it sounds like Mike cut off contact with my wife once he learned the truth. In any case, good riddance. So, that's where things stand after three days. It's been a hard, lawyer consulted, divorce filed, confrontation done. My wife is alternating between begging me to reconsider and accusing me of ruining her life. I'm emotionally raw, but I also feel a sense of resolve.

I'm glad I didn't let her gaslight me into thinking any of this was my fault. And I'm grateful to those who told me to stand my ground. As painful as this is, I know it's the right path forward. I'll update again once the dust settles a bit more, serving the papers, moving her out, etc. Thank you again for the support. Edit 1, I kicked my wife out because I couldn't bear it anymore. Probably at some friends. Update 2, Hello Again.

I didn't expect to be updating so soon, but a lot has happened in the past few weeks. It's been pretty hard to put it. it mildly. Firstly, the divorce process is moving along. My soon-to-be ex-wife was served with the papers as I mentioned, and she's lawyered up now too. So far it's been relatively smooth in terms of legal stuff, like I said, we don't have kids, and our finances are not terribly complex. She hasn't contested anything major yet. I think she's too busy dealing with the fallout in her personal life to put up much of a fight legally, plus she knows. knows she doesn't have much leverage or grounds to demand anything crazy, especially with her

behavior being a big cause of the split. The more interesting developments have been on the personal front. Some people asked to hear about how the fallout was affecting my ex, I'll just refer to her as X now for simplicity. So here's that update. As I mentioned in my last post-edit, she initially went to stay with her friend, Anna, when I kicked her out of the house. Well, that living situation imploded pretty quickly. At the time of my last update, I only knew that she had gone to stay with a friend. I later confirmed it was indeed Anna. I was frankly surprised Anna allowed it, given everything. But I heard from Anna, we do talk occasionally now, that she felt sorry for her in the immediate aftermath and didn't want my ex to do something stupid like drive drunk or harm herself.

So Anna took her in for what was supposed to be a short-term crash on the couch-type deal. It lasted maybe a week, if that. According to Anna, who shared this with me over coffee recently, my ex quickly wore out her welcome. Apparently my ex was acting like she was the victim in all this. Moping around and also expecting Anna to comfort her and take care of her. The entitlement was strong. Anna told me that on the second or third day, my ex actually snapped at her, saying something like, I hope you're happy, you ruined my marriage, in a moment of anger.

Anna responded that my ex ruined her own marriage, and that she, Anna, only told the truth because it was the right thing to do. That led to a blow up between them. Also, my ex had been expecting Anna to provide her meals and a place to stay indefinitely without contributing. Anna told me my ex just helped herself to stuff in the fridge, left messes, and treated Anna more like a maid slash therapist than a friend. doing her a favor. After a few days of this, Anna told her she needed to find somewhere else to stay because the arrangement wasn't working out. My ex did not take that well either, apparently saying she had no one else and asking how Anna could abandon her in her time of need.

Ultimately, Anna stood her ground and basically kicked her out. So, my ex had to scramble for another place. She didn't have a lot of options. Many of her closer friends were actually from my side or mutual, and once I told a few of them the truth, and I did, I wasn't going to let her spin a false narrative, they distanced themselves from her. She has a family in another state, but she was too ashamed to go to them, and probably didn't want to explain why she suddenly needed a place. I think for a short while she ended up at a motel and then maybe crashing with a co-worker who took pity on her. I'm not entirely sure where she is now, and I haven't felt like asking, as long as it's not my problem, I don't really care, to be honest.

The affair partner, Mike, is fully out of her life as far as I know. After he dumped her upon learning the truth, as I described before, he apparently also spread the word among some colleagues about what happened, maybe to save face or because he was angry at her lies. So now in her workplace, people know she cheated on her husband and lied about it. That has made her work life awkward, to say the least. least. I heard, again through the grape line, that she actually requested to transfer to a different team or department because of the gossip and because seeing Mike at work was too much for her. It's a mess of her own making, but I guess I do feel a tiny bit of pity that her

professional life got affected. Only a tiny bit, though, actions have consequences. Legally, since the house is mine and she moved out, we also have to sort out splitting our belongings. She dragged her feet on coming to pick up her stuff, probably because she didn't have a stable place to put them. Eventually, through lawyers, we arranged a day for her to get her things from the house. I made myself scarce that day and let my brothers supervise just so I wouldn't have to see her. She took her clothes, personal items, and some furniture we agreed on. There was one nasty moment where she had left a handwritten note among my mail that I found later. It basically said she hopes I'm happy for tearing her life apart and that she regrets ever trusting Anna and me.

I didn't respond to it. I gave it to my lawyer just to have on record, but otherwise I'm ignoring the drama. Now, on to a more positive development, and one I didn't really see coming so soon. In my last update, I mentioned that Anna and I had stayed in touch and she been supportive. Well, in the last couple of weeks, we've grown even closer. We'd meet up occasionally for coffee or a bite just to talk. Initially it was mostly about the situation. She was also processing the whole betrayal by her friend, my ex.

We were sort of helping each other heal, I guess, by talking it out. But after a while, we found ourselves talking about other things, our interests, our jobs, life in general. It was a relief to have some normal conversations that weren't all about the cheating drama. I started to notice that I really enjoyed her company, which I already kind of knew from before. Even at the party, she struck me as a really kind and smart person. And I'll admit, I also started to notice that she's a very attractive woman, something I honestly didn't give much thought to before, given the circumstances. I felt a little guilty, like it was too soon or something to be noticing someone else.

But considering my marriage was essentially dead the moment I learned of the betrayal. maybe it's not that surprising that my heart and mind started moving on faster than I expected. It turns out, Anna was thinking similarly. She later told me she had started to feel a connection but was also worried because of, well, the mess and the timing. Neither of us acted on it for a bit. We were kind of dancing around the tension, both not sure if it was okay to take it further. But eventually, we had a pretty honest conversation.

It was after we had done. dinner together one evening, something we've been doing on occasion just as friends. We were walking to our cars and she said, a bit awkwardly, I don't know if I'm misreading things, but it feels like there might be something here. And I don't want to be out of line. I was so relieved, she said it because I felt the same, and I told her as much. We discussed it openly. I told her I was interested in getting to know her more romantically, but I was also cautious

given I was technically still married, though separated and divorcing. She said she understood and that she didn't want to be a rebound or make things messier. We agreed to take things slow and be very transparent with each other. Honestly, it felt really good just to lay it all out there and acknowledge the feelings. And so, yes, as some of you predicted or hoped, we started seeing each other in a more than friend's way. I won't go into too many details, but we've gone on a couple of proper dates now, and it's been wonderful. She's compassionate, fun, and we have a surprising amount in common. I don't know why I didn't realize this before, but it's still early and

we're keeping it relatively low-key. We both know this could be complicated given the history, so we're just taking it day by day. But I have to say, she has been a light in this dark time for me. I suppose one could say it's ironic. My ex accused me of not acting like a husband and supposedly I gave up on us. Yet here I am moving on with someone who actually appreciates me, while my ex is facing the consequences of her own actions. Life is strange. I haven't flaunted this new development or anything. I'm not posting about it on social media or telling friends yet. I want to keep it private for now, out of respect for the fact that technically the divorce isn't final. But a few close friends know, and they've been supportive. A

couple jokingly said I upgraded, which made me chuckle. Now, I know some might think this is too fast, and believe me, I had that thought too. But when I reflect on my marriage, the truth is I had been emotionally lonely for a long while before it blew up. My ex had checked out of our marriage well before I knew about the affair. I was fighting to keep something alive that she had already abandoned. So in a way, my heart had already been grieving the relationship before it officially ended. Finding out about the cheating and then cutting ties was like ripping off a band-aid, extremely painful, but it also started the healing process in a definitive way. Meeting someone like Anna in this context, someone who showed me genuine care and honesty, has helped me remember

what it's like to feel valued in a relationship, even if this is a new budding one. It's made me see just how badly I was being treated before, and that I should never have tolerated any of that disrespect. I suspect word might get around about me and Anna eventually, especially since we have some overlapping acquaintances, and I'm not looking forward to whatever drama my ex might try to stir when she hears. But I'll deal with that if and when it comes. Given her track record, she'll likely accuse me of having had something with Anna all along, which for the record is absolutely untrue. I never saw Anna outside of maybe a couple of group settings when she was still just my wife's friend, and I certainly never imagined this happening.

Or she'll say this proves her twisted narrative that I gave up on us first, which again, I know is BS and so do the people close to me. All right, I think that's everything major that's happened in the last few weeks. I honestly didn't expect to have a new relationship as part of the update, but life comes at you fast. Thanks again to everyone following along and sending support. It's been a crazy time, but I feel like I'm coming out the other side of it stronger, and unexpectedly, not alone. I'll update again if anything significant happens, good or bad. Small update, it's been a couple of months since my last update, and for once I have some genuinely positive news to share. A lot can change in a few months. First, on the divorce front,

it's nearly, or essentially, finalized. All the paperwork, is done and were just waiting on the official decree. The process was surprisingly drama-free in the end. My ex didn't contest anything significant. I think she just wanted it over with two, especially as more people in our lives learned what happened. We've had virtually no direct contact, everything's been through lawyers. I did see her briefly, one time, when she came with a couple of friends to collect the rest

of her stuff from the house. We barely spoke. She looked angry and miserable, but that was that. I'm glad to close that chapter legally and financially. Update 3. I really thought my last update might be the end of the story, but it seems there was one more dramatic episode left to unfold. About a month after I started dating Anna, we decided to go out for a night on the town with another couple we're friends with.

We ended up at a trendy lounge slash club in the city, not exactly the kind of place I usually frequent, but we were in the mood to dance and have fun. I hadn't seen or heard from my ex since the divorce was finalized, so running into her was the last thing I expected. So there we were, having a good time. Anna and I were by the bar getting drinks for our little group, and we happened to share a quick kiss while we were waiting. Suddenly, I heard an all too familiar voice practically yelling my name. I turned around and, yep, it was my ex-wife. She was still. She was still. She was standing a few feet away, and she did not look happy. In fact, she looked furious. She immediately yelled, wow, my name, real classy. You couldn't even wait for the ink to drive before

screwing my friend. Her tone was loud and venomous, and people were staring. I was honestly stunned for a second. I hadn't laid eyes on her in months, and this was how we were meeting again. I tried to keep my cool. I said, evenly, this isn't the time or place for this. Let's not make a scene. I also gently stepped a bit in front of Anna, not sure if my ex was going to get physical or not. My ex was beyond reasoning. She basically accused me of flaunting my relationship with Anna to embarrass her, and kept

shouting that I was pathetic. She got louder, saying I was disgusting for dating her friend and that it had to be some kind of revenge plot. She screamed that I was disgusting and that this was all some revenge scheme to make her look like the bad guy. She even hurled insults at Anna, calling her a backstabbing bitch who stole her husband. It was getting very heated and people were staring. Anna, to her credit, stayed mostly quiet and behind me. She only responded once, saying calmly, you need to stop this and go home. You're making a scene. That only and enraged my ex further. My ex stepped forward and actually tried to shove past me to get in Anna's

face. I held my ex back by the shoulders and firmly said, enough. You need to leave. At that moment, club security, two big bouncers, appeared, having noticed the commotion. One of them took hold of my ex's arm and told her she needed to chill out or she'd be removed. My ex yanked her arm free and kept shouting that I was the liar who left her for Anna and that we were both pathetic. That was the final straw, the bouncer started escorting her out. As they led her through the exit, I could hear her yelling that I'd thrown her away like nothing in calling me a coward, her voice cracking as she disappeared outside. Outside the club, we saw my ex a little down the street, crying and fumbling with her phone. It looked like

she was trying to call a ride or someone to come get her. She was alone. We saw her down the block crying by herself until a taxi came and picked her up. The whole thing was surreal and upsetting. On the ride home, Anna and I were quiet at first, processing. We both hope my ex eventually find some peace, but we realize that's out of our hands. For me, this incident felt like ugly closure. In a way, my ex's public meltdown showed beyond doubt that our marriage is truly dead and buried, and that she's struggling to accept the consequences. I didn't revel in it, it actually hurt to witness. This will likely be my final update.

I'm focusing on the future with a clear conscience. Thank you all for reading and supporting me through this. Here's to a quieter, happier next chapter. Take care. I hope you enjoy it. this story. Spouse resigned from her position to launch a venture but never followed through, so I provided for her for a long time as she splurged on unnecessary items until I intervened. Weekly budget, until she tried to commit identity fraud and open credit cards in my name.

I, 34M, have been married to my wife, 32F, for four years. I have a stable job that pays well. My wife, on the other hand, does not work currently. She had a job when we first married, but she quit after less than a year. Initially, she said she wanted to pursue starting her own online business and that a nine to five job felt stifling. I supported her decision at the time, I believed in her and I also believe in equality, so I thought if the rolls were reversed, she'd do the same for me. We agreed I'd cover our living expenses while she tried to get her business idea off the ground. Well, it's been three years since then and the business never materialized. She tried a few hobby projects but nothing serious came of it.

I never pushed her to go back to work because we didn't urgently need a second income. My salary was enough to pay for our mortgage, bills, groceries, and still put some aside in savings. I was okay being the sole breadwinner for a while. What I didn't anticipate was how much she would start spending during this time. My wife has always enjoyed shopping, but after she quit her job it ramped up to an extreme level. She spends thousands of dollars on shopping and expensive stuff for herself. I'm not talking about necessities or even reasonable treats, I mean designer handbags, jewelry, the latest gadgets, spa retreats, you name it.

If she sees something she likes, she just buys it. At first, I tried to be understanding. I figured maybe she was feeling down about leaving work and shopping was a coping mechanism or a way to enjoy the free time. I even indulged her for a while, buying her a couple of high-end items for birthdays and holidays. However, it quickly spiraled beyond what I could comfortably afford. I started noticing huge credit card charges. In one month, she spent over $5,000 on our joint credit card on luxury items and high-end salon services. Another month, it was close to $3,000 on clothes, shoes, and decor.

These were on top of all our regular bills. It started eating into our savings. I had a serious talk with her then. I explained that we needed to budget and watch the spending, or we would run into financial trouble. She listened and said she'd try to cut back, but I could tell she wasn't really happy about it. Over the next few months, nothing really changed. She would agree to a budget verbally but then blow past it whenever she felt like it. I'd find shopping bags hidden in the closet or see charges on the credit card statement for stuff she never mentioned.

Each time, I'd confront her, and it would turn into an argument. She'd get defensive and sometimes flip it on me, saying things like I was treating her like a child for monitoring her spending, or that I wouldn't do this if she was a man. She even accused me of being against her feminist ideals. A real feminist man wouldn't try to control his wife's spending. You only care because it's your money. That argument was especially frustrating, because in my view it wasn't about gender at all. I'd have the same issue with any partner, male or female, who was spending way beyond our means.

I also pointed out that part of being truly independent is being responsible with money, but she just rolled her eyes at me. After one particularly bad blow up, when I discovered she secretly opened a store credit card and racked up $1,200 on it in a week, I realized talking and pleading wasn't getting through to her. We were on the road to financial ruin if this continued. I had to take more decisive action to protect our finances. So, as a last resort, I set a firm limit on her spending. I cancelled our joint credit card to prevent further damage, I made sure to pay off the money. I made sure to pay off the money. the remaining balance myself, which hurt my savings a lot. I told her she would have to stick to a budget of $200 per week for discretionary spending. I chose $200 because it seemed more than enough for personal expenses like eating out with friends, makeup, or little things she wanted, but not enough to buy, say, a Louis Vuitton bag on a whim. I continued to pay all the actual

household bills, of course, the $200 per week was just for her fun money, essentially. I also made it clear this was temporary until she either started earning her own income again or we got our finances in order. When I implemented this, my wife was furious. She said I had no right to put her on an allowance like she's a child. She basically accused me of being financially abusive by controlling her like this. But every other method had failed. She wouldn't stick to any budget we mutually agreed on, and we don't have infinite money or a millionaire family to bail us out. It was either this or we'd end up in massive debt. I tried to explain that to her

calmly, but she was too angry to listen. She yelled that I was undermining her independence and that a real man wouldn't restrict his wife. The first few weeks of the $200 per week budget were tense. She did comply in the sense that she stopped openly using the credit card, since it was now cancelled, and used the debit card reset up with the $200 weekly cap. But she was extremely cold to me during this time. She would make snide remarks like, I have to check with my warden before I can buy anything. Or if her friends asked her out to a fancy restaurant, she'd huff that I only have what my husband lets me have. It was humiliating and frustrating for both of us. I repeatedly told her that she was free to get a job and have as much of her own money as she wanted, or we could figure

out a more flexible budget if she would actually stick to it. She refused to even consider getting a job, she claimed that I promised to take care of her and that if I couldn't handle it, maybe I'm not man enough. That hurt a lot. Despite her resentment, I honestly thought she was at least respecting the new spending limit in practice. Our bank statements looked normal for a change and the hemorrhaging of cash stopped. I started to breathe easier financially and hoped that eventually she would adjust or come around to understanding why we needed to live within our means. But then everything fell apart.

A few weeks ago, I got a phone call at work from a credit card company's fraud department. They wanted to verify if I had applied for a new credit card that day, because the application triggered a fraud alert, I have credit monitoring set up. I had not applied for anything. I immediately suspected identity theft and froze my credit reports. I was freaked out, wondering if I'd been hacked or something. They told me the application was made online with my name, SSN, and our home address, but a different email and contact number than mine.

The email was oddly familiar, it was my wife's personal email. When I saw that, my heart sank. No one else would have all my personal info like that except her and me. It turns out my wife had tried to open a new credit card under my name to get around the spending limit I set. She never mentioned anything to me, of course. She was essentially going to steal my identity to get a credit line behind my back. I came home early that day, absolutely furious and in disbelief. I confronted my wife with what I found. At first she tried to play Duffalo. She said things like I don't know what you're talking about and why would I open a card in your name.

That makes no sense. But I had evidence. I had the email, it was clearly hers, and the phone number on the application was hers as well. I also found, on our home computer's browser, the credit card website in the history with an application form and progress. Once I laid out all the proof, her denial stopped. Then she switched to justifying it. She said she had to do that because I backed her into a corner with the spending limit. Her argument was that I forced her hand by being, in her words, ridiculously controlling and treating

her like a prisoner. She claimed she needed a way to have access to more money for herself because I was holding the purse strings too tight. I told her this was literally fraud and a massive betrayal of my trust. This isn't something any reasonable person would justify just because they want more pocket money. That fight was the worst one yet. We were both screaming by the end of it. She hurled all sorts of insults at me, basically painting me as some oppressive, misogynistic husband. I admit I lost my temper and yelled back, calling her out on her hypocrisy. I said it was absurd that she constantly

talks about female independence, but instead of actually being independent by earning her own money, she chose to steal from me. I told her if anyone was abusing her. I told her if anyone was abusing someone in this marriage, she was financially abusing me. That did not go over well. She just kept shouting that I drove her to it. At some point her anger turned to desperation and she began pleading with me not to ruin her life over this. She promised she would never do it again, that she just felt trapped by the budget. She even tried to claim she was planning to use the card to buy things for both of us, which I know is a lie because the stuff she usually buys hardly benefits me. I think by then she could see in my face that something had broken between us.

I was just done. I told her I needed space and I walked out. I went to stay at my brother's house that night because I didn't want to be under the same roof at that moment. I was afraid the fight would escalate further or I'd say something I couldn't take back. I spent that night and the next few, away, trying to process what had happened. My brother, and a couple of close friends I confided in, all said this crossed an unforgivable line. They were concerned not just about the money, but the fact that my wife could scheme behind my back in such a sneaky, illegal way.

I really had to agree. No matter how I spun it, I couldn't see myself ever trusting her after this. In the days that followed, my wife blew up my phone with calls and texts. Initially I ignored most of them, because I was still too angry and hurt to talk. Eventually, I answered one of her calls. She was crying and apologizing over and over. She said she wasn't thinking straight and that she panicked because she felt like I was cutting her off and she didn't know how to live like that. She begged me to come home and talk in person.

A couple of days later, I agreed to go back and have a serious discussion. Before going, I had already quietly. consulted a divorce attorney to understand my options, though I hadn't made up my mind fully. When I met my wife at the house, she actually looked genuinely remorseful at first. She started off by apologizing again and saying she would do anything to make it right. I stayed calm and told her that what she did was a massive breach of trust and not something that can be just forgotten with an apology. I was honest that I had even spoken to a lawyer.

At that point, she flipped from remorseful to angry again, saying I was an asshole for giving up on us so quickly and not even trying to work through it. That pretty much settled it for me. I felt like she still didn't grasp that she is the one who blew up our marriage with her choices. I told her flat out that I want a divorce. She did not take that well. There was a lot of yelling, again. She said I was overreacting and that I must not love her if I'd throw everything. away over a mistake. I calmly told her that a mistake is accidentally overspending or forgetting

to pay a bill. What she did was calculated and intentional. I also said I have to look out for my own future because she clearly doesn't have our mutual best interests at heart if she could do that. Eventually, I just walked out as she was shouting at me that I'm an awful husband. Since then, I've been staying with my brother and were essentially separated. The fallout among our families and friends has been messy. My wife has been telling her friends and siblings a very one-sided story that frames me as some controlling, penny-pinching tyrant who left her because she spent some money. She has conveniently left out the part where she tried to open credit lines in my name without telling me. As a result, I've gotten some angry calls and texts from people thinking I'm

the worst husband ever. Her parents found out the full story from both sides. Her mom actually called me and apologized for her daughter's behavior. Her mom and I have always gotten along, and she was clearly mortified. Her dad was extremely upset too, at both of us, I think. He's old-fashioned and didn't like that I put her on a spending limit. He compared it to putting a child on an allowance, but he was also furious with her when he learned about the attempted credit card fraud.

In any case, her parents are now involved and are trying to get her to come stay with them and sort herself out. As of now, I believe she did go back to her parents' house. I've made it clear to everyone that divorce is happening. Some of them think I should reconsider, her dad suggested we do counseling, but I have zero interest in marriage counseling at this point. I am not looking to save this marriage. Now I'm moving forward with the divorce process.

We have no kids and we've only been married four years, so it should be straightforward legally, though or not. emotionally it's anything but easy. I'm posting this is because I've been second-guessing myself despite all that happened. My wife, soon to be X, and some people in her orbit are making me feel like I'm to blame for driving her to this point by being strict about money. I question if setting that spending limit was the right approach or if it was a mistake that made me an asshole and pushed her away. In my heart I feel I did everything I could before resorting to that. But when you hear people calling you controlling,

it messes with your head. So I really need to know, am I the asshole for enforcing that budget and then ending the marriage over her attempt to bypass it? Edit, additional info. First off, wow, thanks for all the responses. I didn't expect this post to blow up. I've been reading through your judgments and advice. It's been a tough couple of days, but seeing so many objective viewpoints has really helped me feel less crazy about how all this went down. I want to address some of the common questions and assumptions that came up in the comments.

1. Why doesn't your wife work? Was this agreed on? As I mentioned, she quit her job a few years ago to try and start an online business. I was on board with that plan at the time. Unfortunately, she never followed through in a serious way. After that, she just settled into a lifestyle of leisure. It became a sore point. I did ask a few times if she wanted to look for even a part-time job or something if the business wasn't happening, but she would get very upset.

She'd say I wasn't supporting her dreams or that I was trying to make her get a job for someone else like a peon. So yes, initially we agreed I'd support us for a while, but that evolved into her not even looking for work or running a business at all. In hindsight, I probably enabled this by not pushing the issue harder. Two, do you have kids? Does she do a lot of labor at home? No, we don't have children, thankfully, since that would make everything even more complicated and painful. With no kids and her not working, you might assume she took over the household chores. Not really. We split chores pretty evenly. She's never been the domestic type and we also have a monthly cleaning service that I pay for. She cooked dinner maybe two to three times. She cooked dinner maybe two to three times. a week, I'd cook on weekends, and we ate out or ordered in the rest of the time. So it's not like she was contributing by running the household or raising children. Our arrangement was basically me handling all finances and both of us doing minor chores, while she had a lot of downtime.

3. Why $200? How did you decide on that number and enforce it? I picked $200 after reviewing what her non-essential spending typically looked like when it wasn't exorbitant. Like backslash $200 covers going out to a couple of nice dinners, or buying some clothes or hobby stuff in a week, which felt reasonable. If she needed something beyond that for a legitimate reason, the idea was she'd discuss it with me first. To implement it, I ended up opening a separate checking account just for her spending money and got a debit card for it that she could use. I would transfer exactly $200 into it every Monday.

Our main accounts and credit cards were now off limits to her, I changed the online banking passwords, etc., which she was also angry about, but I felt it necessary. She did still have one credit card in her own name with a small limit, I think $500, but that was maxed out already and her credit score wasn't great, which is probably why she didn't or couldn't just open a huge new card in her own name. 4. Isn't financial control a form of abuse? Are you sure you weren't being abusive? I've thought about this a lot, and I firmly believe this was a unique situation that had nothing to do with the typical financial abuse scenario. In an abusive situation, a spouse might withhold money to control every aspect of their partner's life and keep them trapped. In my case, I reacted to her out of control spending by setting a limit to protect us from bankruptcy. I never cut off money for things she needed, only for the endless luxuries.

and it wasn't done out of a desire to control her, but out of necessity because she refused to listen to reason. I would have been thrilled for her to have her own money to spend. If she had a job or a business income, she could spend as she pleased. She chose not to, and still chose to burn through my money. It really felt like the only option left. If anything, like many of you said, I was the one being taken advantage of financially. 5. Did you try therapy or counseling, financial or marital, before deciding on divorce? I suggested both financial counseling and marriage counseling at different points.

When her spending first started getting crazy, I wanted us to see a financial advisor together to make a budget. But she laughed that off and said she didn't need someone else telling her how to spend her money, the irony being it was mostly my money. As for marital counseling, I brought it up after the big fight when I cancelled the credit cards. She refused. She said, I don't need a therapist. You need to learn how to relax. So, yes, I did suggest it and she wanted no part of it. After the identity theft incident, going to counseling together was off the table for me, because I was already one foot out the door by then. I have started going to therapy on my own now, after the fact, to help me deal with the emotional fallout.

6. Are you going to report her to the police for fraud slash identity theft? I haven't, and I probably won't unless something crazy happens. I did report the fraudulent application to the bank as unauthorized, but I did not press criminal charges or name her specifically. Legally, yes, I could. But I don't see what that would accomplish aside from destroying her life completely. Despite everything, I don't hate her enough to want her in jail or with a record if I can avoid it. If she were going around ruining my credit or had stolen a ton of money, I might feel differently.

As it stands, I cut off the damage before it got worse. My lawyer did take note of it for our divorce proceedings, mostly to ensure it's documented in case she tried to pull something else. But this divorce isn't about punishing her, it's about protecting myself and moving on. 7. How bad was the financial damage? Some folks asked if we're bankrupt or how much she spent in total. We were not bankrupt, no. But she was burning through money faster than I could earn it, and it was severely impacting our finances. I'd estimate in the past year alone she spent around $60,000 on pure luxury and unnecessary things. That's a huge chunk of my salary that could have been used for our future. We don't have that money now, it's gone on stuff I can't resell for anywhere near what was paid. As for debt, aside from the

mortgage, I made sure we cleared any credit card balances, which again means I effectively paid for her spending. She also has that one card in her name with $500 balance that she hadn't paid. I refuse to cover that, so it's on her. The attempted new card she applied for in my name had a $15,000 limit. Thank God it was caught before it was approved or we potentially have even more debt if she maxed it out. So while we aren't informal debt besides the house, my savings account is way lower than it should be for someone who's been earning what I earn. I basically have been treading water financially instead of building wealth, because I was funding her lifestyle. I hope that gives a clearer picture. The overwhelming consensus here has been that

I'm not the asshole, and I'm finally starting to accept that for myself. It's easy to be guilt-tripped when people, and your spouse, are telling you that you're doing something wrong by asserting a boundary. Reading the comments has really helped solidify that her actions were not excusable and that my response, while sad, is justified. Update, moving forward with divorce. It's been about two weeks since my original post. Things have been moving fast and also not fast enough, if that makes sense. I wanted to come back and update those who were invested in this situation. As I said I would, I went ahead and officially filed for divorce. My lawyer filed the paperwork and my wife was served with divorce papers a few days after my post.

I braced myself for another explosion from her, but surprisingly, it never came. At least not in the way I expected. According to a mutual friend, when she got served, she had a bit of a breakdown, crying, screaming at the process server, etc., but she didn't call me ranting afterwards. In fact, she barely contacted me at all directly, aside from a couple of texts where she seemed more shocked and hurt than angry. I think she finally realized I was serious and that she might have pushed me too far to turn back. She did quickly hire a divorce attorney of her own. Since then, most communication has been lawyer to lawyer.

I moved out officially and I'm staying with my brother full time. I've been paying him some rent, though he tried not to accept it. We've had minimal direct contact. Honestly, it's been such a relief to not have daily fights or anxiety spikes whenever I check my email or mail. One time she did reach out directly was to ask if we could meet to talk. I was wary, but I agreed to meet her in a public cafe during daytime. It turned out she wanted to apologize again and possibly see if I'd reconsider the divorce. She was very subdued in that meeting, a stark difference from her prior anger.

She did say sorry, and admitted that she messed up really bad. I nodded but didn't say much. Then she asked if I would consider pausing the divorce and trying counseling or a trial separation instead. This was difficult, but I told her no. I said I have no confidence that she wouldn't hurt me again and that I think this step is for the best. She started to cry and said, so this is really it. You're just going to throw away our marriage. I responded that she threw it away when she chose money and lies over honesty with me.

After a few minutes, she just nodded, tears in her eyes, and quietly said, I understand. We parted ways. It was an emotionally heavy conversation, but I'm glad we had it. Now, on to the practical stuff. The lawyers have been hashing out the division of assets and all that. House, we own a house together, well, technically a house. I had it before we married, but it's considered marital property since we've lived there and both contributed in some way, albeit I paid the mortgage. We've agreed that I will keep the house.

I can afford it on my own and it's my childhood home, I inherited it and had bought out my siblings' shares, which is why there was a mortgage. She never had a deep attachment to it. I'll refinance to remove her from the deed and give her a small lump sum buyout, mostly covering a portion of the equity gain during the marriage. Honestly, she could have tried to push for more, but she didn't. I wonder if that's guilt or just her realizing she doesn't want to fight a losing battle given the circumstances. Savings and possessions.

We're splitting the joint savings account, which isn't huge, thanks to her spending. I offered her roughly 30% of it, and she accepted. She'll also keep her car, which is in my name, but we agreed I'll sign. it over to her. It's an older car anyway. I'll keep my car. We divided up household items. There weren't many we were attached to mutually. She took most of the furniture from the guest room and her personal items. Obviously, there was no argument over TVs or anything. We had two, she took one, I kept one. It was relatively civil in that regard. Debt, as mentioned, I insisted, and she agreed in writing, that each of us will be responsible for any debt in our own names.

That means her personal credit card and any personal loans are on her. The attempted fraudulent card in my name never went through, so that's off the table. I'm so thankful I caught it early. Alimony, given the short length of the marriage and that I'm not exactly a millionaire, she's not seeking alimony, especially because her actions are the cause of the divorce. While that doesn't legally bar alimony in our state, no-fault divorce laws. I think she's smart enough not to push it. She has leaned on her parents for money in the interim, I guess.

They're retired and not wealthy, so I suspect she will find a job soon out of necessity. Emotionally, these last few weeks have been a pretty terrifying but I'm doing better. I still go to work every day and do my job, but I did take a couple of mental health days earlier to just get myself together. I have leaned on my family a lot. My parents, who are also upset with her, since they treated her like a daughter and she burned me like this, have been very supportive. My mom is actually the one who encouraged me to talk to a therapist. I've had a few sessions and it's been helpful to have an objective perspective and to work through the betrayal. A few friends of ours are sort of in shock because on the outside we seem like a decent couple.

I've had to field the question of, is there any chance you'll forgive her and get back together? Multiple times. My answer is a resolute no. Without trust, there is no foundation for a marriage, and her actions shattered any trust one had in her. In my mind, there's no coming back from that. I'm honestly looking forward to finalizing everything and moving back into my house alone. I haven't been back there except to grab some personal stuff. The lawyer said once the papers are signed and filed, likely within the next couple of months, since we've agreed on terms, it'll be official.

I plan to take a few days off work when that happens and just process everything, maybe do a solo trip or something to clear my head. So that's where things stand. It's not a happy ending, but it feels like the right ending. My ex-wife and I are civil but distant. I think she's embarrassed and doesn't want to talk to me much now. now, which is fine by me. One last thing I want to say, I'm really grateful for the support I got from the Reddit community on my original post. It gave me the confidence to stand up for myself and realize that I'm not the villain here, despite what my wife tried to make me believe. Reading others' opinions helped me see how toxic the situation had become. I hope you enjoy this story.

Spouse turned into a work addict and now our 10-year-old daughter strongly dislikes her to the point where she refuses to communicate with her, and when I advised my spouse that she should try harder she said she's giving up on being a mother. My family's broken, and I'm trying to reassemble the pieces. I need advice. For context, my wife, 29F, and I, 27M, are childhood sweethearts married now for around five years. I know we became parents and got married pretty young, but we've made it work. My wife's a small business owner. She turned a passion into a career. I'm really happy for her.

When she started, I promised her that since my work hours were flexible, I'd hold things down at home so she could focus on building her business. We were a team until we weren't. My wife's an extreme workaholic, and it's come between our family. We're not in a good place. Our daughters, 10F, caregiving is solely on me. The time my wife and daughter spend together is made up mostly of short replies or silence. Our daughter isn't disrespectful. She's a good kid.

She's just not as comfortable with her mom. My wife and I have had a lot of talks about the state of our family. With the business well off the ground and her not needing to personally oversee everything as often, we're working on reconnecting. It's been an uphill battle. Recently, we had a bad fight. She told me she's given up on trying with our daughter. She said she's not good at it,

and she's just going to stay in her lane. I told her she couldn't decide to clock out on our daughter during rocky stints. She said she's emotionally exhausted from repeatedly striking out. She feels she can't do anything right in our daughter's eyes. She said I have it easy, that our daughter prefers me, and even made sure her whole class knew it. The class jab was about a school assignment.

Our daughter had to interview someone she admired, and she asked me. My wife was hurt. She still feels away about it. She accused me of not understanding. She comes home to a child she carried not respecting her. That our daughter's an expert critic when it comes to her. She went into a huge rant. The way she talked about her rubbed me the wrong way.

I told her most of her complaints weren't our daughter's creation. She asked me what that meant, and I laid it out that she hasn't gone out of her way to connect with our daughter. She shut me down. She went into how she busts her ass for our family, and the least I could do is show up for her. All I do is show up for her, including holding down responsibilities that we're supposed to share. We aren't childless. It's no longer those me and her against the world days. I need to show up for our daughter too.

She just kept saying she has a lot on her plate and how I'm supposed to be her peace. I refuted the only peace that ever seemed to matter these days was hers. She said our daughter and I are two of a kind and began sarcastically apologizing for her sacrifices, and if the business is what's driving us apart, then she'll renounce it. She'd make do. I asked if we could skip her martyr routine and actually talk. The fight only escalated. I called the fight a complete waste of time, but she interpreted that as me calling her a waste of time.

It was the worst fight we had in a while. Our daughter was at her grandparents, so she didn't hear anything. We're at an impasse. Things are still tense. I'd counter-clear the air or how to reach her about our daughter. She can't dismiss her like some disgruntled customer at work. In a lot of ways, I feel like a single parent. I don't believe she's being honest with herself about our issues.

She's a distant figure who has a habit of talking at our daughter instead of to her. There are a lot of broken promises. Nothing ever mended. She doesn't try engaging. Our daughter loves anime, but my wife doesn't hold back on overly criticizing it in front of her. her. Our daughter got into K-pop, but to my wife it's just bothersome noise around the house or in the car. Our daughter has stage fright. Yet she joined a school play because she knows her mom loves theater. My wife promised her she'd come. She didn't. The worst part was seeing our daughter realize she

wasn't. My wife never apologized. She gave her, work was busy. I promised next time speech. She offered to bring our daughter with her on Take Your Child to Work Day. I thought it'd be good for them and a chance for our daughter to see more of what her mom does. But our daughter called me upset and wanted me to pick her up. She said her mom had immediately left her with a subordinate and went AWOL. When my wife checked in on her, they fought. She told our daughter that a brady attitude won't be tolerated in her workplace. She and I had it out later.

She apologized to our daughter and blamed blowing up on work frustration. She offered to bring her back another day, but our daughter refused. My wife always felt she was bad at articulating her feelings. She feels she comes off aggressive. That's partly why she leaves our daughter's caretaking to me. But this fight has me questioning the nature of our relationship. I don't doubt she loves our daughter. I saw it firsthand during the pregnancy,

and in our private conversations, she couldn't stop gushing about her. I felt her love in the little things. I'd something changed over over time. My wife isn't close with her parents. She usually has me talk with them on her behalf. She has a mindset that parents slash kids don't have to be close. She believes since she turned out fine, so will our daughter. I'm failing to help their relationship in our own.

We barely have quality to. time. Intimacy is shot. When we're out together, we aren't really together because in public, she's hyper aware and has her business persona on. I quit else to do. I'm at a loss. I'm not trying to bash my wife. I just want everyone to be okay. I'm in a fight for my family right now. How do I mend my wife's and daughter's relationship while also repairing my marriage? Update, Hey, guys. Thank you to everyone who reached out. It helped a great deal. I wanted to give an update. My wife, 29F, and I had a serious discussion about everything. It took us a while to get there because things were still tense after our last fight and our mini spats in between. Our daughter

noticed the rift between her mom and me. She asked me about it. I'm not proud of that. I never wanted her involved in our fights. It was a larger wake-up call. I shouldn't have let it drag out. My wife asked if we could talk, and we both apologized for the fight. She was worried that I was calling it quits after how bad our last fight was. She took us not recovering as quickly as usual in my distance as me being done. She wanted to make a gesture for our marriage. I told her that her harsh action towards our daughter had made me question our relationship. She said she felt bad for intensely ranting about our daughter. She was overwhelmed and used the situation as a punching bag.

She loves our daughter but is at a loss as a parent. I told her we'd all keep being at a loss in our current state. We're disconnected as a couple and a family. I feel like a single parent and alone in our marriage. Our current way isn't working. Her lack of presence is the common root cause. I didn't feel like our parents. daughter or I actually mattered and were more put up with by her. That statement really bothered

her. She denied it and promised our family does matter to her. She said she knows things aren't good right now, but she wants our family. That she gets frustrated and says stuff she doesn't mean, but it doesn't equate to how she actually feels. I told her it's not just her words. It's her actions. Her harshness and how she chooses everything over our family every single. time while expecting us to just have smiles on our faces. We're not props, and I can't enforce a relationship between her and our daughter. She said she is trouble with contentment, and it's an endless chase. She has this need to keep chasing after an inner feeling she's always felt she missed. We talked about the feeling before. It's a high and feeling whole.

She said she thought our relationship was the answer, she thought our daughter was the answer, and then she thought her business would completely fill that void. She said she doesn't know how to be with our daughter. When our daughter was a baby, everything was easier, that our daughter would get excited when she came home from work, that no matter what she did or didn't do, she had our daughter's love. But she's older now and barely seems to like being in the same room as her and clings to me. I asked if she's considered that maybe our daughter's hurting from her criticism and broken promises.

My wife feels she's doing better than her parents. She said all our daughter knows is the grandpa and grandma who adore her over FaceTime. She doesn't know what they were like. Her childhood was staying in a child's place, doing what was expected of you, representing the family, and attitudes weren't tolerated. There wasn't a problem they couldn't solve with a belt. My wife said she doesn't believe in a belt as discipline, but she doesn't know how to be with our daughter and fears she's a girl. aggressive when communicating, so she leaves our daughter to me. She doesn't feel she's good as a mother to an older child or with expressing personal feelings. She said I knew what her parents were like.

She's right. My in-laws ran an unforgiving household. My wife was pretty much a latchkey kid. My Phil was always working, and my mill was busy with her community engagements. Feelings were compared to complaining, and there were certain expectations of my wife. I was 17 and my wife was 19 when we had our daughter. Of course the circumstances weren't ideal, but my in-laws made you feel their disapproval. There wasn't support to be found from them. They told my wife that if she was grown enough to make a baby, then she was grown enough to take on the responsibilities on her own. My in-laws have mellowed out a lot now, but my wife is no contact with them. She used her business to pay off their house, and that was that.

I'm the buffer between them. I'm accustomed to being my wife's protector. That was always our dynamic. Especially during the pregnancy, when everyone had commentary, were comedians, or when guys would talk about her. Looking back, I think that's part of why I made excuses for her actions with our daughter. I told my wife that I'm in love with her, but our daughter can't be at the expense of our relationship. We're at a crossroads. Something needed to change. Counseling isn't an option anymore. It's happening for our daughter and me.

I want for us to come through this as a family. If she refuses counseling, I'd respect her decision, but her answer would give me my answer on what I needed to do for the best of our daughter. We'd have to separate for the time being. My wife said if it's between counseling or losing our family, then she chooses counseling. She wants to keep working on our marriage and reconnecting as a family. We're not props. I asked if this was what she really wanted.

If we do this, it can't be her showing up in word only but looking for any reason to skip out. She said what we built means something to her, and losing that has become more real to her now. I talked with our daughter about her feelings on counseling too. I didn't just want to randomly throw an appointment on her. She was pretty open to the idea. I think it's because she's close with my parents and she knows they do counseling. My wife and I are officially in counseling. We're trying a conjoined therapy approach for right now.

It's a new experience prior to this. My wife was never big on counseling, but she has been showing up. She hasn't flaked. There has been some improvement with my wife and daughter. My wife has pulled back on criticism and asking our daughter questions. Recently, we went to an amusement park as a family, and they had a good time together on some rides. My wife asked to pair with our daughter on a few games too. It was the first time in a long time I saw them share a laugh. Nothing's perfect. We're in the early stages.

I know my wife and daughter's relationship will be a long road. I know how it pans out isn't up to me, but I'm here to support our daughter in whatever she needs. I'd quote the future holds, but I want to be hopeful for my family. Maybe it's not too late. I want the best for everyone involved. Our daughter will be starting middle school soon, and I told my wife that she'll need both of us. I'm hoping this road isn't the end of my family.

I want us to have to come through this together. When I chose a life with her, it wasn't because we were having a baby, so let's stick together. It was because I love her and want to be with her. I want to make this work. Thank you to everyone again. I appreciate the support. It's much appreciated. Next story, started having a relationship with an older woman but she constantly wants to hook up at random times and buys me expensive gifts. When I finally tried to break up with her she completely lost it. I first met her when I took a part-time job at a local small business she owns, which I no longer work at for unrelated reasons. She had been very openly hitting on me for several months before, but I didn't reciprocate,

even though I did find her attractive, due to a combination of shyness and obliviousness. I'm not very good with women and had never been in a relationship before. Eventually she pretty much outright asked me if I wanted to stop by her place one night and we wound up having segs for the first time. This relationship has been going on for a while since then, but there's a lot of things I'm finding that are really weird and off-putting even aside from the age gap itself. First of all, she constantly wants to do sexual stuff with me at random times. For example, back when I was still working for her but after our relationship had started, she would constantly call me to her office just to ask me if I wanted to

make out or invite me to feel her up. She also trying a Sengi with me regularly even though I usually don't respond very well since it's something I feel very awkward doing. She sometimes gets really upset when I'm not interested too, which makes it even more awkward for me. Also, she's constantly getting me very expensive gifts which I guess sounds nice in theory, but actually makes me feel really awkward, since I generally try very hard to be self-sufficient. For example, one time she bought a fancy new laptop because she heard that I've been using the same old one for several years, which put me in kind of a weird position since I didn't want to get rid of my old laptop but also didn't want to hurt her feelings. Finally, she's always texting me late at night asking me to come over to her place and FCK her

and she sometimes gets really upset if I tell her I have other plans or I'm just tired. It's a 45-minute walk from my dorm to her place so it's not just something I can do casually. She's also constantly texting me drunk and rants about her ex-husband and how he stole the best years of her life and about men in general and how they're stupid and shallow and how. how she's glad that I'm smart enough not to waste time with trashy college sluts. Like I said before, I've never been in a relationship before, so I'm not really sure how much of the weird feeling in my gut is caused by actual red flags and how much is caused by the fact that I'm just not used to relationship stuff in general. Can anyone help me out here?

Comments where OPP has replied, comment one, sugar mama isn't getting enough from her sugar baby. This isn't a normal healthy relationship, if that's what you're wondering. Oop, what's unhealthy about it? Comment too, she likes you because she can control you. She buys you things so that she can demand your time. You feel indebted to her because of the things she has given you. She tells you when you two are going to hook up. She tells you when you can touch her. I'd say she gets off knowing you're so inexperienced and young. She likes having some younger guy at her beck and call. I would say you're not in a relationship, at least not a boyfriend slash girlfriend or partner relationship.

You've entered into a sugar mama slash sugar baby relationship. I repeat, you are not in a relationship with this woman. Oop, do you really think that's what's going on here? That sounds really disturbing. Then again, a lot of people here seem to be saying similar things. Comment three, I mean, it's 100% what's happening. She is newly out of a divorce. She wants a booty call, that's it.

She's probably really resentful towards men her own age right now and wants a partnership that she can control completely. So, she gives you gifts so that you feel indebted to her. Then, when you don't want to do something you remind her of her ex-husband, and how men suck, and she blows up at you. Trust me. You have a sugar mama. That's why this whole thing seems weird. Now that you know, you can decide what you want to do. Are you okay with continuing, now that you know this isn't a real relationship? Or would you feel more comfortable entering into a genuine relationship with someone close to your own age with less baggage? Update, okay, so I initially posted an update on this yesterday, but it was deleted for being too soon after my first post. and the situation has changed slightly since then. Hopefully this is a better time to post.

After having some time to collect my thoughts, I decided that the best decision would be to break things off since we obviously had different things we wanted in the relationship. I originally planned on doing this when I next saw her that's not how things wound up playing out. Three nights ago after I made my first post, I got a very explicit text from her telling me she wanted to see me in half an hour and all the things she wanted me to do to her.

I politely told her I wasn't interested, and as usual, she started to get insistent and kind of upset. Since it seemed like the path of least resistance I just told her then and there that, while I had enjoyed our time together, I wanted something different in a relationship and wanted to break it off. She asked why and I just told her that it wasn't working and I didn't want to get in a long conversation about it. Maybe that was a mistake, but a lot of people in the last thread were telling me not to try

and engaged too much with her and that advice made sense to me. For the next several hours, she kept sending me messages asking me what was going on, why didn't I like her anymore, if there was anything she could do, etc., and I just kept telling her that I enjoyed what we had, but I was just ready to move on. Eventually the messages stopped and I assumed that the whole thing was over. The next day I awoke to find a ton of messages on my phone from her ranting about how she thought I was different from other guys but I'm just another stupid shallow asshole who chases after college horrors because I'm too emotionally stunted to handle a relationship with a real

woman like her. A few hours later, to my shock and horror, she tried to ambush me when I was on the way to my dorm for lunch, she knows where I live, sadly, and started laying into me about how I was a shallow, immature, ungrateful asshole and she never wanted to see me again. A few hours later she started sending me more nasty messages, so I decided to block her number. She later cornered me again when I was trying to get dinner and demanded to know why I hadn't responded to any of her messages. I told her that I had blocked her number and did not want to talk to her any further and she went off on me again and said that I was an immature loser who'll never find anyone else who's willing to touch my tiny dick again. This really got to me since

I do have a lot of trouble with women. Yesterday she ambushed me yet again when I was trying to at lunch and started laying into me about how I was too shallow, stupid and ungrateful to appreciate a woman like her how she hopes I die alone and I just told her that I was going to contact the authorities, I realized that there was no other option at this point, and walked off. A few hours later, after informing campus security and the local police, I temporarily unblocked her number and sent her a message saying that I had contacted the authorities and that there was going to be trouble if she continued her behavior. She sent me a reply saying that I was being a cowardly piece of shit and I blocked her again. She made no attempt to make further contact with me

since then. Hopefully the situation has at least been resolved now, although part of me is still uneasy just cause of how far she's escalated so far. I'm not going to lie, this has taken a fairly serious emotional toll on me. One of the few women who's ever showed any interest in me, who I used to like and have some amount of respect for suddenly turned into a complete psycho who hates my guts and some of what she was saying did hit close to home at times. I don't doubt for a second that I made the right decision here, but part of me just wants to understand why she went so crazy so fast so I don't wind up in this situation again.

Sorry if that sounds melodramatic, but that's just where I'm at right now. I hope you enjoy this story. Guardians declined to cover my university expenses since I was competent enough to resolve it independently, but now expect me to finance my siblings' educational fees, so I declined. No. But then I discovered that he was stealing their money for Dr. G's and framed me for it. I'm a 26-year-old man, and my younger brother is 18. Growing up, our parents always emphasized the importance of college, but when it was time for me to go, they refused to contribute

financially. Their reasoning, as they put it, was that I was smart enough to figure it out myself. That line has been burned into my memory. Essentially, they believed I'd manage on my own because I'd always done well in school. So I did manage, I worked part-time through college, lived on a shoestring budget, and took out student loans. It wasn't easy. I remember eating instant noodles for dinner most nights freshman year and juggling two campus jobs in my senior year to cover rent. I graduated with honors and a hefty chunk of debt. My parents never paid a single tuition bill or even co-signed a loan.

We never really talked about it much after, I think I just proved them right in their minds, that I was smart enough to handle it. But I won't lie, I resented that they never even tried to help me out. I saw other kids whose parents helped with textbooks or rent, and it stung that mind just. Wouldn't. They weren't poor or anything. We're a middle-class family. They just had this stance that financial support stopped at high school, at least for me. Now my younger brother is heading to college, he's in his last year of high school, planning to start college next semester. Unlike me, he struggled more academically and didn't get the same scholarship opportunities.

He's a good kid at heart, but he's never been as self-driven with school. Our parents have been much more involved in his college plans than they ever were in mind. Over the past few months, I've heard them discussing college options with him, visiting campuses together, stuff I basically did on my own when it was my turn. I won't lie, I felt a twinge of envy at how much handholding he's getting. Still, I kept my mouth shut because it's not my business, until last week, when my parents called me over for an important discussion. When I arrived, they sat me down in the living room and essentially asked me to contribute to my brother's college tuition. Specifically, they want me to help cover part of his tuition and living expenses. My parents claimed they could pay some,

but money was a bit tight and since I have a good job now, I should chip in to support the family. This alone floored me. It was surreal hearing them asked me to pay for the college costs of the very child that chose to support over me. At first, I was too stunned to respond. I asked why they suddenly needed my help, since they'd never mentioned struggling with money before. They exchanged a look, and my dad admitted that college has gotten more expensive and my brother didn't get the scholarships I did. My mom added, well, we just think it would be fair. We're all family, and you know how hard it can be. You were smart enough to figure it out yourself, but your brother needs help. There it was again,

that phrase. It brought back all the old hurt and anger from when I was in high school. I replied, trying to keep my voice even, that I had figured it out myself because I had no other choice, and it wasn't fair to hold that against me as a reason to not help me but expect me to help him. The conversation got heated fast. I told them outright that I would not be paying for my brother's college. I said it was hypocritical of them to ask me, given they provided zero help for my own education. I asked them, why does he suddenly deserve a college fund when I didn't? Why am I expected to sacrifice my income now, when you wouldn't spend a dime on me then? My tone was admittedly angry, years of pent-up frustration kind of poured out.

My mom became defensive and said that I should want to help my little brother succeed, that I know how hard it is out there. She pointed out that I have a stable job now, I work as an engineer and make a decent salary, and that since I managed to land on my feet, I ought to give back and make things easier for him. She framed it like I was fortunate to have figured things out, and now I had a duty to reach back and help my brother. I responded that it was unfair to suddenly invoke family duty when it's convenient for them. I reminded her and my dad that when I was 18, all I got from them was a pat on the back and that infamous you're smart, you'll figure it outline. I had to learn the hard way how to apply for loans, apply for scholarships, balance work and studies, without any guidance from them, much less than.

money. They could have at least tried to help or even just check in on how I was managing, but they never really did. And now they have the gall to ask me for thousands of dollars. For the son they actually chose to support. It blew my mind. My dad then got irritated and said something like, we didn't help you because you didn't need us. You always found a way. But your brother, he's different. He's not you, he said my brother. He's not you, he said my brother, isn't as academically gifted as I was and that if he doesn't get help, he might not make it. That comment actually made me feel bad for my brother, he's not dumb or incapable, he just doesn't have the same interests and motivation I had at that age, and maybe different

talents outside academics. But the whole thing was so backward. They were basically admitting they're willing to support him precisely because he didn't excel like I did. In their minds I guess that was logical, I was self-sufficient, he isn't, so he gets the help. But from where I stand, it feels like I was punished for being independent and now I'm expected to pay for someone else's lack of it. I told them as much. I said it feels like they're rewarding him and that by not helping me at all, they sent a clear message back then. I managed without them, so they don't get to come to me years later asking for money as if that's fair. At some point my voice raised, and I said something along the lines of, you know what's really fair. Treating your kids equally.

If you couldn't afford to help me, fine, don't ask me to pony up now for him. And if you could afford it but chose not to, then that's even worse. My mom started crying, saying I was twisting things and that they did what they thought was best at the time. She insisted they weren't playing favorites, it was just that I was so capable, and they were proud of how I handled myself. She I kept saying we knew you'd be okay on your own, honey. My dad then said, a bit sharply, that it's not like I'm being asked to pay everything. They suggested I contribute maybe a few hundred each month or whatever I could comfortably spare. I replied that they, as parents, have the primary responsibility to help him, not me.

I also mentioned that I'm still paying off some of my student loans, which is true. my good job, I have a chunk of debt left from college. I asked if they remembered that I still owe money for my own tuition, because apparently that slipped their mind when asking me to divert money to my brother. That made my dad angry. He said I was being ungrateful for what I have now and petty for dredging up the past. Petty! That made me snap back, how is it petty to bring up the fact that I'm literally being asked to pay for something I never even got myself? Things were said in the heat of the moment by both sides. I basically told them no way, not happening, and that if they weren't prepared to fund his education they should have thought of that

before or encouraged him to pursue a cheaper school or scholarships, like I had to. The discussion ended pretty badly. I was furious and I think they were furious and upset. I walked out after telling them flat out that their decision years ago set a precedent. I handle my education, and they handle my brothers, or he handles it himself. Either way, I'm not responsible for his college tuition. My brother wasn't present for this conversation. He was out with friends, so he didn't witness the argument. I haven't talked to him about it yet, and I'm not sure if my parents told him any details.

As I left, my mom said I was letting my brother down and that she expected better from me. I didn't stick around to continue the fight. Since then, things have been tense. My parents have sent a few texts basically saying they're disappointed in my attitude. I haven't replied much, because I'm still pretty angry. I did text my brother a bit, just casual check-in stuff, and he didn't mention the tuition issue, so either he doesn't know or he's avoiding it. So, I'd offer refusing to help with my brother's college costs under these circumstances.

Edit, additional info, a lot of people have been asking for more background, so here are some clarifications. My parents are not poor. Their middle class, own their home, and both work. They could have afforded to chip in something for my college, even if not everything. Back when I was in high school applying to colleges, they explicitly told me they wouldn't be contributing financially. It wasn't a sudden last-minute thing, I knew their stance.

The reason they gave, that I was smart and resourceful enough, always felt like an excuse, and it did hurt. We didn't have a college fund for me, but apparently they have some money set aside for my brother, I guess they started saving later on. I paid for my college through a combination of a partial scholarship, tuition discount for merit, which helped but didn't cover everything, federal loans, which I am still paying off, and working part-time jobs as I mentioned. I also commuted from home after freshman year to save money, I had stayed in a dorm the first year, which I paid for myself.

So yeah, I basically put myself through school. Another thing, some have asked if my parents' financial situation changed over time. It did, a little. They have a bit more disposable income now than they did when I was starting college, but not so much that they can easily pay full tuition for my brother. I think that's why they're asking me. They can cover some of his costs, but they likely don't want him taking huge loans or struggling like I did. They have an outright set how much they expect me to contribute aside from that vague whatever you can spare line. But I got the feeling they had a number in mind, my guess is a few thousand a year.

As for my brother, he's a decent kid, but to be honest he's been pretty sheltered. My parents have always been a bit more lenient with him. For example, when I turned 16, I had to get a part-time job if I wanted spending money. When he turned 16, they gave him a used car in some allowance without requiring a job. Little differences like that. He's never had to hustle the way I did. I don't really blame him for that, who wouldn't take a good deal if it's given. But it does mean he might not be prepared for the kind of grind I went through in college.

I think that's partly why my parents are so worried of. about him managing. He's also had a couple of hiccups in high school, skipping classes, mediocre grades. Nothing terrible, but enough that my parents got concerned he might not even get into a decent college. He did get into a college, not a top-tier school, a fairly average state college, and I'm happy for him. I want him to do well. I just feel like my parents created this dynamic by treating us so differently. To answer another common question, I have to haven't offered to let my brother live with me or anything like that, nor has he asked. I live in a small apartment and his college is in a different city anyway.

I did casually ask him what his plan is for paying for school, and he shrugged and said mom and dad said they'll sort it out. That response kind of irritated me, not at him per se, but at the situation, because sorting it out apparently means shaking me down for money, unbeknownst to him. It tells me my parents probably haven't leveled with him about the financial concerns or my refusal yet. Anyway, I just wanted to include this info to paint a clearer picture. The bottom line is I don't think I'm responsible for my brother's tuition. I understand he's innocent in how our parents handled things, but if I contribute now, I feel like I'd be letting my parents off the hook for what I see as their mistake or bias, and also possibly putting

myself in a position of being the family ATM in the future. I care about my family, I really do, but this ass crossed a line for me. Update, okay, I did not expect to be back with an update this soon, but things have gotten far more complicated, and serious, than I could have imagined. First off, I want to say thanks for the overwhelming response on the original post. The general verdict was that I'm NTA, not the asshole, which honestly gave me some peace of mind. I was still stewing in anger when I posted, and seeing objective outsiders agree that my stance wasn't unreasonable helped me feel more confident in it. I certainly didn't expect what happened next.

A few days after the big blow-up with my parents, my younger brother showed up at my apartment unannounced, in the evening. This was unusual, he almost never comes by without texting first. When I opened the door, I was shocked by how he looked, he seemed distressed and nervous, like he'd been crying. His eyes were red and he was visibly shaking. I ushered him and immediately, thinking someone had hurt him or he'd been in an accident. He was so jittery that it took a while to get him to calm down enough to talk. I honestly thought he might tell me he wrecked his car or got someone pregnant or something. The reality turned out to be much worse. After some

stumbling and avoiding eye contact, he blurted out that he's in trouble. I initially thought he meant trouble with the law or school, but he quickly clarified, he's been stealing money from our parents. Specifically, he confessed that for the past several months, he's been sneaking money out of our parents' accounts to pay for drugs. That hit me like a ton of bricks. I had no idea my brother even did drugs beyond maybe occasional weed. But he admitted he's been using pills, later specified it started as painkillers at parties and now at some kind of opioid habit. He was crying and clearly terrified as he told me all this. He said it started small, taking $20 from dad's wallet here or there a year ago. But as his usage grew, he started

siphoning larger amounts from their joint savings account using online transfers. He knows all their passwords, our parents aren't very tech savvy and often have my brother do online banking tasks for them, ironically enough. Over the last few months, he's taken hundreds, possibly thousands of dollars in total. I was stunned, completely speechless. This was my baby brother, who I never imagined would be mixed up in something like this. When I found my voice, I asked him why and how this went so far. He said he didn't mean for it too, he claimed he's been trying to stop using, but he's been struggling with withdrawal and cravings. He started crying harder, saying he knows he screwed up badly.

Our parents apparently haven't noticed outright yet, but he's sure they're growing suspicious. He overheard them a day ago talking about some unexplained withdrawals from the bank. They were checking with each other about moving money or spending it, and neither of them knew where a few hundred dollars went. My brother panicked hearing that, and that's why he rushed over to me. He was essentially begging for my help to cover it up before they were. fully realize what's going on. I didn't even know what to say at first. He looked absolutely broken and desperate. In that moment, despite my anger, I just wanted to help my little brother

get clean and not destroy his life or our parents' trust. But the way he wanted me to help was, problematic, to say the least. He asked if I could lend him some money to quietly put back into my parents' account or somehow help him come up with a story to explain the missing funds. Essentially, he wanted me to assist in covering his tracks. He said, I swear I'm getting clean, I just need to buy a little time so they don't find out and hate me forever. You always know how to fix things. Please help me fix this. I had very mixed feelings.

I told him straight up that stealing from our parents was a serious betrayal and that they have every right to be furious if, when, they find out. He kept saying, I know, I know, I'm an idiot, I'm sorry, and was practically bawling. I asked him how much money we were talking about and how on earth he expected me to have that on hand to replace. He admitted he wasn't even sure of the total, maybe around $2,000 or more over time. I nearly choked, that's a huge amount to secretly take from mom and dad, and also an amount I can't just yank out of my savings on a whim. I do have some savings, but I I'm not exactly flush with cash after paying my own loans and living expenses. I certainly don't have a spare two grand lying around that I wouldn't miss. I told him I wasn't comfortable just lying

or throwing money at this problem to make it go away. I said the bigger issue is his drug use and that he needs help, not just hiding it. He kept insisting he was already trying to quit and that if our parents found out now, it would all be over, he said they'll never look at me the same. They'll kick me out or send me away. He was afraid they disown him or send him to some harsh rehab program or something. I tried to calm him and said our parents do love him, and while they'd be extremely upset, maybe this could be the wake-up call needed to get him proper help. But he begged me not to tell them. At this point, I asked if he had any drugs on him at that moment, and he admitted he had a small bottle of pills in his car. I convinced him to give it to me. I didn't want him overdosing or

something in my apartment. He reluctantly brought it in and handed it over. I flushed the pills down my toilet while he watched, which made him pretty upset, he was anxious about not having any to stave off withdrawal. But I felt it was the right move immediately. I told him if he was serious about quitting, he had to start right now. He was sobbing and saying, I'm going to be so sick, you don't understand. I do understand withdrawal can be awful, and I felt for him. but I also didn't want to back down from that tough love stance in a moment. I then told him that I wouldn't outright lie to our parents or become an accomplice in hiding theft. I said, I can't just magically replace the money you took.

I don't have that kind of money I can spare, and even if I did, I'm not sure covering this up is the right thing. He kept pleading, asking if I could at least talk to them and gauge what they know, or distract them, or something. He was basically grasping at straws. He even floated the idea that maybe I could claim I borrowed the money from mom and dad's account for something and forgot to tell them, then pay it back over time. That suggestion really made me uncomfortable. He was asking me to take the blame in a way, or at least to create a false story that put suspicion on me instead of him. Given the context, how my parents and I just argued about money, imagine how that would look. I told him absolutely not, I'm not going to lie and ruin my own reputation to shield him from the consequences of his actions.

I was gentle but firm about it. I said he needs to take responsibility, and more importantly, he needs help for his addiction. We talked for a long time. It was one of the hardest conversations I've ever had. I tried to convince him to let me help in a different way, by going with him to tell our parents the truth and urging them to get him into a treatment program. I said if he's up front now, maybe they'll be more likely to forgive and support him. But he was too scared. He practically begged me, just give me a chance to make it right without them knowing. I promise I'll stop and I'll pay everything back, I just need time. I asked how

on earth he planned to pay them back or stay clean without support. He had no answer, just more tears and apologies. I told him I loved him and I wasn't going to throw him out of my apartment or anything, but I also wasn't going to help him dig himself into a deeper hole. I offered to let him stay the night on my couch because he was in no shape to drive, plus I was worried about him being alone while in withdrawal if it hit soon. He stayed over, and it was a rough night. He was restless, went from crying to silently staring at the ceiling. I didn't sleep much either, I was anxious about what the hell to do next. By morning, I had decided that as much as it killed me, I couldn't keep this secret for him.

It's beyond what I can handle alone. He's 18, technically an adult, but he's a young, dumb kid in a serious mess. I was thinking about how my parents are likely to find out anyway, money doesn't just disappear without eventually coming to light. I was also thinking about the fact that just days ago they were asking me to help pay for his college. Meanwhile, money is vanishing from their accounts. It occurred to me that if they noticed the missing money, who might they blame?

A small, paranoid part of me even thought, would they suspect me? I had been over at their house a few times in the last couple months, holidays and such. Nah, I told myself, they wouldn't jump to that. Or would they? I didn't share that thought with my brother at the time, but it was on my mind. I did tell him in the morning that if he wasn't going to fess up, I felt I had to at least alert our parents that something was wrong. He begged me one last time not to. We ended up in an emotional stalemate. He left my apartment around noon, still upset that I wouldn't promise to keep this secret.

I told him I needed a day to think, but honestly I was leaning towards telling my parents very soon if he wouldn't. He just kept saying, please, I'll fix it, just don't say anything. anything yet. I finally said, I won't say anything today. But you need to start figuring out how to fix this properly, and we will talk again tomorrow. That was about the best compromise I could give in the moment. He looked miserable, but he agreed and left. I hated all of this. I hated seeing my brother like that, I hated knowing my family was about to implode with another conflict, and I hated that on top of the tuition fight, we now had this bombshell. I am currently mentally preparing myself to talk to my parents the next day about a situation,

or at least urge my brother to join me in coming clean. Update 2, well, things blew up in a way I did not anticipate, and I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. I didn't even get the chance to decide how to handle my brother's confession, because my parents found out about the missing money on their own and the situation went from bad to worse fast. In my last update, I was worried that my parents might suspect. me if they noticed money disappearing. It turns out that worry wasn't unfounded. Not only did they notice, but they indeed latched on to me as the culprit almost immediately. Yesterday, just a day after my brother came to me, I got a call for my mom in the afternoon, asking if I could

come over to their house after work because we need to talk. Her voice was cold and strained. I knew something was off. I asked what it was about, and she just repeated that I should come over, refusing to elaborate. I had a bad feeling, my mind actually jumped to maybe my brother had told them something, or maybe they found out another way. Given what I knew, this cryptic call made my heart pound with anxiety. I headed over in the evening. The moment I walked into their house, I could sense the hostility. My dad was standing in the living room with this stern look, arms crossed. My mom was by the couch, looking upset and angry. Before I could even sit down or say my dad's first words were, is there anything you want to tell us?

I played dumb at first and said, what is this about? Hoping maybe my brother had come clean or something. Instead, my mom thrust some printed papers at me, bank statements. She had highlighted several withdrawals slash transfers, each of a few hundred dollars, over the last few months. She said, this money has been vanishing from our account, and it's seems it happens on days shortly after you visited us. I looked at the statements. Indeed, the dates of the withdrawals roughly correlated with times I've been over for dinner or to say hello.

I visit maybe twice a month, often on weekends. According to those statements, the suspicious transactions, which were online transfers to some account number I didn't recognize, often posted the day after I'd been over. Now, I understood immediately what likely happened. Those were transfers my brother made, probably timing them to when I had been around, perhaps hoping to cast doubt or just by coincidence. But my parents had put two and two together in the worst possible way. I started to explain that I had nothing to do with those withdrawals and that this was the first I was seeing of it. But my dad cut me off.

He said they already talked to my brother about it and he told them a story that points to me. I asked what exactly my brother said. My mom snapped, he told us you've been struggling financially and that you asked him not to say anything after you borrowed money from us. I was gobsmacked. That little. I mean, I half expected he might try to throw suspicion off himself, but hearing it confirmed still hit me hard. Apparently, my parents confronted my brother earlier that day, maybe after noticing yet another withdrawal or finally really digging through records, and at first he feigned ignorance. They pressed him, mentioning that I had been over the day before some of those withdrawals.

According to them, he then came clean that I had confided in him about needing money, and that I had accessed their online banking while at the house to take some, and I made him promise not to tell. He claimed he was only covering for me out of brotherly loyalty, but that he couldn't keep lying once they directly asked. I cannot fully convey how furious and betrayed I felt in that moment. My brother had taken the scenario we discussed, where he wanted me to fake being the borrower, and apparently fed them a version of it to save his own skin. And clearly, they bought it hook, line, and sinker.

In hindsight, I shouldn't be surprised, it fits the narrative they'd be willing to believe, that I, who refused to do what they say, might have done something vindictive or desperate regarding money. Also, I realized that by telling them this, my brother made himself look like the good guy who was trying to cover for me. I denied it. I told my parents, that's absolutely not true. I never took any money or even knew something was missing until right now. Why would I steal from you? My dad's face was pure anger. He said, we don't know why, you tell us. Maybe you needed it for those loans you never talk about. Or maybe you were resentful about the college help and this was

your way of getting back at us. Hearing that broke something in me. The fact that my own parents would think me capable of stealing from them out of spite. It hurt a lot. I said, I can't believe you'd think that of me. My mom went off about how the evidence was there and even your brother admitted it was you, she said she was heartbroken that I would not only steal from them but also drag my little brother into it by forcing him to lie. She actually accused me of manipulating my brother, I put him in a horrible position, making him choose between betraying us or covering for you. At this point, I realized I was losing their trust by the second. They were convinced.

I figured I had to tell them the real story, even if my brother wasn't ready, because otherwise I'm screwed. I told them, listen, brother, wasn't covering for me. He's covering for himself. I then, spilled that my brother has been stealing from them and that he has a drug problem. I didn't go into every detail, but I told them he admitted to me that he's been taking their money to buy opioids and he begged me not to tell. As the words came out of my mouth, I saw my mom's expression shift from anger to shock, then to instant denial. My dad outright said, don't try to pin this on him. He's not using drugs.

I insisted, that's why he came to my place yesterday, to confess it to me and ask for help. I'm telling you the truth. My mom started yelling, how dare you make up something so horrible? You're just trying to save yourself. She was crying, and my dad was shaking his head like this is unbelievable. They clearly did not believe a word of what I was saying, or didn't want to believe it. Given the choice between golden younger son turned drug-stealing thief versus older son who recently argued with us turned bitter thief, they chose the latter as more plausible for them.

The argument escalated to a very ugly son. place. I kept defending myself, swearing up and down that I never stole anything and that my brother was lying to them. I even pulled out my phone, offering to show them my bank transactions, my zeal history, anything to prove I didn't have an influx of cash or any mysterious income. They didn't want to see any of it. My dad was laser-focused on the idea that I was now trying to ruin my brother's life by accusing him of drug abuse to distract from my own misdeeds. He said, said, we already called the police, they're on their way. I was stunned and said, what? Why would you call the police? My mom shouted, because you stole from us. What did you expect us to do? At this point, I was panicking.

Being falsely accused is bad enough, but having the cops called on you by your own parents for theft is another level. I pleaded with them to reconsider and told them calling the police was unnecessary because I didn't do anything. But they were convinced they had a thief in front of them, me, and that they were doing the right thing. Honestly, in their minds I think they saw it as some tough love or necessary action, possibly thinking I was some kind of addict or criminal. I said if the police were coming, then I would also tell the police the truth about my brother. My parents said I was disgusting for trying to throw my brother under the bus for my mistakes. I was so frustrated I nearly screamed.

I couldn't believe how completely the narrative had flipped against me. Within the next 15 minutes, a patrol car did show up, they must have called before I even arrived, perhaps. I ended up speaking to two officers in my parents' foyer, trying to explain the situation. Meanwhile, my mom was hysterical and my dad was sternly telling them I had been stealing. My brother wasn't home at this point. I later found out he'd gone out when things started heating up, likely to avoid facing this confrontation. So he wasn't even there to confront.

The police took me outside and asked for my side. I told them calmly that I had not stolen anything and that there was a misunderstanding. However, I also mentioned that there is more to the story and that it involves my brother. The officers looked a bit perplexed as I tried to explain that my brother had admitted to taking the money for personal reasons, but that my parents didn't believe me. One officer spoke to my parents separately. It was basically my word versus the story they'd been told by my brother. The cops weren't going to arrest me on the spot without evidence, thank God, but they did

take an incident report. My parents were adamant that they wanted the theft documented. I in turn was adamant that they note my claims about my brother, since this was now all official. It was humiliating. Neighbors could see the police car, and there I was, the older son, being treated like a suspect in the family home where I grew up. After some time, the police left, with the officers saying this was a family financial dispute and advising us to maybe seek legal counsel or family counseling. Essentially, without clear proof at that moment or an admission, they weren't going to haul me away in cuffs or anything, again, thank God. They

left it at a report. My parents looked so angry and disappointed. I was shaking with anger and hurt myself, and I told them they were making a huge mistake. I remember telling my dad, one day you're going to owe me a huge apology for this. He just said, don't hold your breath. I left the house after that. It was pointless to stay. We were practically at each others' throats verbally, and nothing was getting resolved. They told me not to contact them for now, which is ironic because I had no desire to speak with them after that anyway. The drive home, I was just numb and in disbelief. I tried calling my brother's cell. Of course he didn't pick up. I texted him a long message basically saying I know what he did, and that he better come clean

because things have gone way too far. No response. So here I'm am, effectively disowned and blamed for theft, while the real thief, my brother, is being protected by my parents' refusal to see the truth. I've been pacing around my apartment all night, alternating between rage and despair. I'm beyond angry at my parents for immediately assuming the worst of me. I don't know what to do next. If I thought the situation was bad before, this is a thousand times worse. I might need to lawyer up if they actually try to press charges or something. I have no idea. I doubt it'll go that far without evidence, and presumably the bank could investigate where those transfers went, likely to my brother's own accounts or his dealers,

which wouldn't point to me. But still, the fact that I even have to think in those terms is insane to me. This whole ordeal has me questioning a lot. I've basically lost any remaining trust or goodwill with my parents. At this point I'm not even trying to convince them I'm not the asshole about the tuition thing. That's a speck of dust compared to this hurricane. Now I'm trying to clear my name for crimes I didn't commit. I'll update again if anything more happens, but right now I'm just. At a loss. Edit, clarification on how my brother could have pulled off the transfers before the next update is written. Several people in this update asked why he bothered using our parents' home computer when he already knew their online banking passwords,

and why the dates of the withdrawals lined up with my visits. Here's the missing piece. OTP requirement. Their bank sends a one-time passcode, OTP, by text to whichever phone number is registered to authorize every outgoing transfer over about $100. Both of those numbers are, of course, my parents' own phones. Why the house mattered? My brother couldn't reliably get the OTP if he tried to move money while he was away from them, because the code would pop up on their devices, not his.

He needed physical access to at least one of their phones at the exact moment the text arrived so he could read it before they noticed. His routine, whenever I happened to be over for dinner or a weekend visit, my parents were more relaxed and distracted, busy chatting with me, cooking, or showing me something in the backyard. My brother timed the transfers for those windows. He'd slip one of their phones off the kitchen counter, step into the hallway or office, initiate the transfer from the family PC, read the OTP text, type it in, delete the message alert and put the phone back. The whole thing took him maybe two minutes. Final update, I'm relieved to report that the truth finally came out, but it was one hell of a journey to get here. It's been a turbulent couple of weeks.

I needed some time to process everything before writing this final update. Thank you to everyone who offered support and advice, it meant more than you know during some dark moments. After the disaster of my last update, being accused and the police being involved, I went low contact with my family. I was too angry and hurt to speak to my parents, and I had no idea how to reach my brother since he was avoiding me. I ended up consulting a lawyer, just in case. The lawyer basically said that unless my parents decided to press formal charges, which would be unlikely without more concrete evidence, there wasn't much to do legally at this point except document everything I know. Still, he advised that I gather any proof of my innocence and my brother's guilt that I could, in case things escalated. That got me thinking, what proof could there be?

My brother's confession to me was verbal and in confidence. It was essentially my word versus his. is. If I dug through my phone, I had maybe one text from him saying I'm sorry about all this but nothing explicit. The bank transfers, maybe the account they went to. If it was his account or a known payee of his, like if he used something like Venmo to pay a dealer, maybe that could implicate him. I passed that thought to my lawyer, who said through proper channels, like if a case opened, that could be pursued, but again, it's messy when it's all within a family. Meanwhile, I was also genuinely worried about my brother's well-being.

Despite what he did, he's still my little brother. I was worried he might spiral deeper into drugs now that everything was hitting the fan. I eventually sent him another text, saying something like, I'm not mad at you anymore, I'm worried. Please let me help you get through this. Mom and Dad will find out eventually anyway. I love you. No response for days. Well, the breakthrough came not from anything I did, but from an unexpected source, those old

security cameras in my parents' house. The irony is that I had completely forgotten about them. My parents apparently had as well. Our house, or my parents' house, I should say, has a basic security system with a couple of small cameras in the common areas. They were installed years ago when there were some break-ins in the neighborhood. One is in the living room, overlooking the front door area, and another in the hallway that leads to the bedrooms. They're not super obvious, tiny, in the upper corner, and truth be told, we all forgot they were there

because nothing ever really happened to necessitate checking them. My parents certainly weren't actively monitoring these cams daily. It turns out, after the big blow-up, my dad was still trying to figure out how I could have stolen from them. He apparently got into detective mode, probably because I kept proclaiming my innocence and it left a seat of doubt. He later told me that while he still believed my brother's story at face value, something about it didn't fully add up to him, so he decided to dig around. That's when he remembered the cameras. He figured if I had been sneaking around the house or doing something on my phone or their computer during visits, maybe it'd be caught on video. So my dad pulled up old footage from the dates in question.

These cameras have limited retention, but he managed to retrieve clips from some of the days surrounding the suspicious withdrawals. And guess what? He found footage of my brother sneaking around. One clip showed my brother entering my dad's home office, which is just a small room with a family PC and files, shortly after I had left the house one evening. Another clip, with a clearer angle from the hallway cam, actually caught my brother on my dad's computer on a day when I was there. after I had stepped out to go home. You can see me say goodbye at the door on the living room cam, I leave, door closes. And then a minute later my brother, thinking no one is watching, hustles to the office. My dad confronted my brother with this evidence. I wasn't there for that, but I'm told it was explosive.

At first my brother tried to lie that he was just using the computer for something, but my dad dug deeper, apparently he managed to check browser history or something. something related to the bank website. I'm not entirely sure on the technical details he used, but he had enough to corner my brother. Finally, with nowhere left to run, my brother broke down and confessed everything to my parents. All of it, the drug use, the money, the lies he told to frame me. My mom called me in tears as soon as it happened. I went over to my parents' house that evening, at their request.

Walking in was awkward and tense. My parents both immediately apologized profusely. My mom actually tried to hug me, and I stiffened, I couldn't help it. I told them, I'm glad you know the truth now, but you realize how badly you messed up by not trusting me, right? My dad looked absolutely ashamed and kept saying there was no excuse, they just couldn't imagine my brother would do such a thing, etc. He admitted that calling the police on me was extreme and that in hindsight it was a huge mistake.

My mom was crying, saying she was sorry for not listening to me and for saying such awful things. I will be honest, I didn't just graciously accept their apologies on the spot. I let out a lot of what I was feeling. I told them how deeply they hurt me by assuming I was a thief and a liar, and how this incident seriously damaged my trust in them. They understood. They didn't try to defend themselves, they just kept apologizing. It was a heavy conversation, very emotional.

Then there was dealing with my brother. He was a wreck, red-eyed, could barely look at me. He had clearly been crying for hours. The first thing he said to me was a choked, I'm so sorry. I was so wrong. I'm sorry. He kept repeating it. I've never seen him look so small and broken.

I did tell him how betrayed I felt. I asked him why. Why would he do that to me, make me the scapegoat? He said he was terrified of going to jail, of our parents hating him, and when they confronted him the lie just spilled out because it was easier in the moment to let me take the blame. He said he thought I could handle it and would forgive him eventually, crazy reasoning, but he wasn't exactly rational. He also said after he left my apartment that day, his withdrawal got really bad and he wasn't

thinking straight at all. None of this excuses what he did to me, but it gave me some understanding of his state of mind. The focus now shifted to getting my brother help. My parents were already looking into rehab facilities and treatment programs that very day. They were shocked and clueless about his opioid use, and it was a harsh wake-up call for them. In a twisted way, This whole ordeal forced them to see reality. Within a couple of days, they managed to get him into a reputable inpatient rehab program. They were able to use some of the money they had saved for his college to cover the rehab costs. My brother didn't protest, he agreed he needed help.

Before he left for rehab, he pulled me aside privately and gave me what I feel was a very sincere apology. He was crying, saying he would understand if I never wanted to speak to him again, but that he was going to work on himself and do whatever it takes to earn back trust. I just told him to focus on getting better and staying clean, we'd deal with us later. I did tell him I love him, because I do, and I hope he believed that. As for me and my parents, our relationship has been strained, but on the mend, I guess. They have been trying to be very attentive and apologetic, but I've been keeping a bit of distance to process everything. In one of our many talks since, my dad actually brought up the initial issue of the college tuition.

He admitted that in light of all this, their approach was wrong and unfair. He said, we were so focused on doing right by your brother, we completely neglected what was right for you. And we ended up wronging both of you in different ways. He even acknowledged that asking me for money was out of line, especially given how independent I had to be. So, that's a pretty big turnaround. Not that it erases the past, but hearing him say that was validating. I want to make it clear that while things have resolved in terms of the truth coming out, it's not like everything's just peachy keen now.

I'm still heard about the accusations and the fact that my parents believed I was capable of such cruelty, stealing and letting my brother take blame, as they thought at the time. That doesn't vanish overnight. And I think they are struggling with a lot of guilt, both for misjudging me and for missing all the red flags with my legally, there's no issue now. Obviously my parents retracted any notion that I stole anything, and they informed the police that it was a misunderstanding. There was never a formal charge, just that initial report, which they updated. So I'm not in any trouble, thankfully. My brother won't face legal consequences either, as my parents decided not to involve.

the police in his theft since it's being handled within the family and through his rehab, and frankly, they care more about his recovery now than punishment. To wrap this up, the initial question I asked here almost feels trivial now compared to everything that followed. But for what it's worth, I think it's safe to say I'm not the asshole for refusing to pay my brother's tuition. In fact, the whole ordeal kind of proved my point about how my parents' approach was flawed. They tried to overly shelter and prop up my brother, first with money, then with denial of his problems, and it backfired spectacularly. I don't take any pleasure in saying that, it's just an observation. I do hope after rehab my brother can go to college or pursue whatever

he wants clean and sober, but that will be a discussion for the future. And it certainly won't be funded by me, or likely by my parents entirely either, maybe a more reasonable plan involved. involving him working or a smaller college, we'll see. Right now, I'm just grateful that my name is cleared, and more importantly, that my brother is getting the help he desperately needs. It's been a nightmare, but I'm hopeful we can all heal from this in time. This will probably be my final update. I need to step away from the internet drama and focus on real-life family healing. Thank you to everyone who followed along and offered perspective.

hug your loved ones, and please, keep an eye out for each other. You might think someone would never do X, but sometimes they're exactly the person you need to check on. I learned that the hard way. I hope you enjoy this story. I became enraged when my partner overlooked my special day, but splurged on a lavish present for his sibling within the same time frame until I uncovered his covert jobless status that had lasted for months and abruptly left. into debt to throw me a surprise party. I, 25F, have been with my boyfriend Holden, 27M, for three years.

We aren't married but we live in the same city and spend a lot of time together. Basically we cannot live together yet cause of our jobs, but we plan to do something about it in the future. Birthdays have always been a big deal to me. I always make sure to do something special for his birthdays. For example, last year I planned a weekend trip for him. and the year before I threw him a small party with his close friends. He knows that I care about celebrating birthdays, and I've never been subtle about that. My birthday was this past Monday.

I turned 25 and honestly I was expecting at least something from Holden, a card, a cake, a nice dinner, even a simple happy birthday text if he was really busy. But the entire day went by and he didn't do anything. No gift, no flowers, no dinner plans, not even a mention of my birthday. We did talk on the phone briefly that morning, but he just talked about some work stuff and didn't say a word about my birthday. I kept waiting for him to maybe show up in the evening or at least text me happy birthday, but he never did. In the end, I spent the evening at my apartment with takeout and a cupcake I bought for myself. I did get calls and messages from

friends and family throughout the day, so it's not like everyone forgot, only my own boyfriend did. I was really hurt and confused, but I didn't say anything right away. I kept thinking maybe he had some surprise plan for later in the week, or maybe something else. On Wednesday, I went over to his place and noticed a fancy wrapped gift on his kitchen counter. It had a big ribbon and everything, so obviously I was curious and thought it was for me. I asked Holden what it was, and he said it was a present for his sister's graduation party coming up this weekend. He even showed me what he got her. It was an expensive designer handbag that I know cost way more than anything he's ever bought me. That's when I finally broke down and confronted him. I was furious and hurt

seeing him put so much thought and money into his sister's gift when he had completely forgotten my birthday just two days earlier. I asked him if he knew when my birthday was. He went silent for a few seconds and then said, oh, I'm so sorry, I totally blanked, I'd been swamped with work. He sounded really apologetic, but I was extremely upset. I told him it felt awful that he forgot my birthday like it was nothing, especially when I could see he was perfectly capable of remembering to buy thoughtful, expensive gifts for other people. He kept saying he was sorry and that he'd make it up to me. When he saw how upset I was looking at his sister's gift, he quickly said, I forgot your birthday, I feel awful, I'll get you something nice too.

That honestly made me feel even worse, because it sounded like he only considered getting me a gift after I caught him with his sister's present. I kind of blew up at that point. I asked him how he could forget my birthday but remember to buy an extravagant gift for his sister just days later. I said, seriously? You didn't get me a card or even a $5 cupcake, but you dropped a fortune on a purse do you even realize how bad that looks? I was yelling by then, I was just so hurt. Holden got defensive and said he just had a lot on his mind and it wasn't intentional. He said something like, you know I've been stressed with work and I just messed up, I'm sorry. It's not like I don't care about you. He also said his mom had reminded him about his

sister's graduation party and that's why he remembered to get the gift. I responded that it's not about the money or the gift, it's the fact that he didn't even remember my birthday until I brought it up, and that he probably wouldn't have done anything for it if I hadn't confronted him. I left his place pretty angry that Wednesday. Since then, we haven't really talked much. He sent me one text Thursday saying, I'm sorry, please let me make it up to you this weekend, but I haven't replied yet because I'm still so mad. The whole thing just doesn't sit right with me. How can he be capable of remembering to celebrate his sister, and spend it? spending so much effort and money on her, but completely failed to do anything for his girlfriend of three years.

My friends are split. Some say I have every right to be angry and that for getting a partner's birthday is a big deal, while others say I might be overreacting because it was an honest mistake and he is now trying to make it up to me. I'm honestly starting to wonder if I'm blowing this out of proportion. So, Reddit, Ida for being so furious that my boyfriend forgot my birthday, even though he remembered to get his sister an expensive gift in the same week? I feel like it shows where his priorities are, but maybe I'm too emotional about it right now. Comment 1. Forgetting your girlfriend's birthday is a pretty big deal,

especially when he managed to remember his sister's party in the same week. You have every right to be upset. That's a really hurtful oversight on his part, and it does make it look like you're not a priority to him. Op reply, birthdays are super important to me, not even for the gifts, just the acknowledgement. I'm not a person who expects fancy things, but a simple happy birthday and a little effort would have meant the world.

It's not like he had to plan a whole huge event. I would have been happy with him just showing up with a cupcake or a handwritten note. The fact that he did absolutely nothing until I called him out. Yeah, it hurts a lot. It's hard not to take it personally. Comment too, I'm honestly shocked he forgot. Does he have a history of being forgetful or not caring about birthdays slash important dates? Or is this completely out of the blue for him to screw up like this?

Because if he's normally a decent boyfriend, I'm wondering what the hell happened off reply, this is what's so confusing. He's never forgotten my birthday before. The last two birthdays I had while we were together, he definitely remembered. One year he took me out to a nice dinner and gave me a really sweet gift, in the other year we just had a low-key celebration at home, but he at least got me a cake and a card. So this is completely out of the blue. He's usually pretty thoughtful about stuff like this, which is why I'm both hurt and frankly kind of shocked. He can be absent-minded about little things,

like he'll misplace his keys, but forgetting something as big as my birthday is totally not normal for him. That's partly why I wonder if something else is going on in his life that I don't know about. Comment 3, not defending him, but is it possible he's dealing with something serious, like mental health issues or work or financial problems, that made him genuinely forget? It's so weird that he remembered his sister's gift but forgot you. Also, he mentioned work stress, could he be burning out or something? Sometimes people mess up stuff like dates when they're overwhelmed. Alternatively, I've seen cases where the guy was secretly planning a belated surprise or proposal or something.

but then you found the gift for his sister, so that theory kind of goes out the window. Op reply, I've been racking my brain about whether there's something major bothering him. He has been more stressed than usual with work for the past couple of months. He's had a few rough weeks where he's been working late and seemed distracted. But he never mentioned anything extreme like fear of losing his job or a health issue or anything. If something that's serious was up, I feel like he would or should tell me. As for finances, I didn't think there was an issue, he hasn't said anything, and he just spent a lot on that handbag for his sister, so he seems to have money for gifts. The idea of a surprise party or proposal.

I really doubt it. I feel like I would have noticed some hint if he was planning a surprise. And after I confronted him, he just looked genuinely guilty and sorry, not secretive or excited like he had a trick up his sleeve. I could be wrong, but it didn't feel like there was a bigger plan. It felt like he truly just forgot, which in a way hurts more because it seems so careless. Comment four, I get that you're upset, but people do make mistakes. If he's been great for three years and genuinely blanked out once, and is now trying to fix it, maybe cut him a little slack.

Yelling is understandable given your hurt, but it might not help the situation. Have you two actually sat down and talked calmly about how this made you feel? It might be better than silence. Op reply, you're probably right that yelling isn't productive. I do regret losing my temper like that. To be honest, I usually don't shout at him or anything. This was really out of character for me, too. I was just so hurt in the moment that I kind of snapped.

We haven't had a calm conversation about it yet because I've been avoiding him since the fight. I needed a bit of space to cool down. He did reach out with that one text apologizing and asking to make it up to me on the weekend. I haven't responded because I wasn't ready and I wanted to gather my thoughts and, well, I've been stubbornly waiting for a better explanation from him. But maybe I should at least talk to him face to face and explain why this hurt me so much. I do love him, and aside from this incident he has been a good boyfriend. I just wish he had shown the same consideration for me that he did for his sister. Update one, hi again. So a lot has happened in the few days since my original post. First of all, thank you for all the comments and

perspectives. I honestly didn't expect that many people to weigh in. Some of you suspected there might be more to the story, like a possible surprise or something, and I thought that sounded far-fetched. But it turns out you were absolutely right. Long story short, my boyfriend did not actually forget my birthday. In fact, he's been secretly planning a surprise party for me with all my friends and family. The celebration is supposed to happen next weekend. I only found out by accident. What happened was one of my friends texted me earlier today, Thursday, saying something along the lines of, hey, do you want me to bring anything specific to your birthday party on Saturday? I was like, what party? After a bit of awkward back and forth, she realized,

I had no clue about it and spilled the beans. She felt really bad for accidentally ruining the surprise, but honestly I'm kind of glad I found out this way rather than continuing to think my boyfriend didn't care. Apparently, Holden has been planning this surprise party for weeks. He coordinated with my best friend and my sister to get a bunch of people together, and it sounds like it's going to be a pretty big bash. He chose to do it the weekend after my actual birthday

because that's when my parents and a couple of my close friends could be in town to a town to a I did notice my parents hadn't really done much on my actual birthday beyond a phone call, which was a little odd, but I didn't think too hard about it. Now it makes sense, they're flying in this weekend for the party. He also apparently wanted me to think he'd forgotten as a way to maximize the surprise. Not going to lie, I think that part was a dumb move on his part, because, as you all saw, it just led to me being really hurt. But his heart was in the right place, I guess. I haven't told Holden that I discovered the surprise. I did text him back finally, just to ease the tension. I said something like, hey, I'm still upset, but I'd be open to doing

something together on Saturday if you still want. He answered almost immediately saying yes, of course, I promise I'll make it up to you, let's do dinner then. So I think his plan is to somehow get me to this party under the pretense of a dinner. I'm going to play along as if I have no idea. I figure I'll act surprised for the sake of everyone involved, and then later let him know privately that I knew and that I appreciate everything. I feel pretty awful about how I yelled at him and about the negative assumptions I made. Reading back my original post now, I cringed a bit knowing that he was actually trying to do something awesome for me. I even feel bad for that snarky comment I made about him remembering his sister's gift, because apparently the whole thing

was part of his ruse to keep me off the scent. I'm still not 100% sure how that ties in, but I'll get to that in a second. He was basically bending over backwards to plan a big surprise, and I was here posting angrily on the internet about him. That said, I do wish he had gone about it differently. Like, at least give me some tiny sign on my actual birthday. Letting your girlfriend feel forgotten and miserable for a whole week

is not the best idea, no matter how amazing the eventual surprise is. But I'll save that discussion for after the party. I'm mostly just relieved right now that he didn't forget or stop caring. In fact, it seems like he went through a lot of effort to organize this. One question I have is about the expensive handbag gift for his sister. I haven't gotten the full story on that yet. It still strikes me as odd that he spent so much on S's birthday present while doing a surprise for me.

Some of you wondered if that gift might actually be intended for me or something. maybe he was just overcompensating with his sister because he felt guilty about deceiving me? Or he's just being generous to her independently? I'll probably find out this weekend. Anyway, I just wanted to let you all know that things are looking a lot better than I thought. I'm going to attend this surprise party and try to act genuinely surprised. I'm admittedly a terrible actress, but I'll try my best. I'm also planning to apologize to Holden for blowing up at him once the timing feels right.

and to talk about how this whole miscommunication happened. I'll update again after the party to let you know how it goes. I'm honestly a mix of excited and a bit nervous now. Wish me luck in pulling off the eye had no idea. Face. Comment one, oh wow, I'm really happy for you. I was one of the people's side-eyeing your boyfriend, but it turns out he was actually planning something super sweet.

That said, leaving you feeling forgotten for days was not the smartest way to surprise you. I get the intention, but he definitely fumbled the execution. Make sure you talk to him after the party about how that made you feel. But overall, this is such a wholesome update. Enjoy your surprise party, even if it's not a surprise anymore. Ha ha. Op reply, I'm honestly so relieved that he had good intentions. You're absolutely right that we need to talk about the approach he took. I appreciate the effort he put in. but I won't pretend that the last few days of me feeling hurt and abandoned were okay. I think he just didn't think that part through.

Knowing him, he probably assumed a few days of upset would be worth it once I got the big surprise. I will definitely, gently, let him know that next time, a little hint or early birthday cupcake would have saved a lot of heartache. But yes, I'm mostly just happy and excited now. I really am lucky that he cares enough to go to all this trouble. I'll try to just enjoy the party and not overthink the rest until we chat later. Comment two, I have a strong hunch that the expensive gift for S might actually be for you. Think about it, he likely bought you that designer handbag is your birthday present, but when you saw it, he panicked and said it was for his sister to keep the surprise under wraps.

Perhaps S is in on the plan and agreed to pretend it was her gift. It makes way more sense than him randomly splurging on his sister while forgetting you. Don't be surprised if that gift ends up in your hands at the party. Op reply, you know what, that would make a lot of sense. I hadn't fully considered that angle, but now I am. When I first found out about the party, I was so focused on feeling guilty for doubting him that I didn't really revisit the whole handbag issue in depth. But you're right, it was really weird for him to drop that kind of cash on his sister out of nowhere.

She might very well be part of the plan. S and I get along well, and I could see her happily helping him keep the surprise. If that purse turns out to be my birthday gift, I swear I'm going to both laugh and maybe cry a little out of sheer relief. I'll update after the party and let you know if you were right. Update 2, hi everyone, I'm back with the second update, and oh boy, things have gotten intense, in a different way than before. We had the surprise party last night and it was absolutely amazing. I managed to act surprised well enough that Holden was grinning from ear to ear. He looked so proud of himself for pulling it off.

Honestly, seeing how happy he was, and how much trouble he went through to gather everyone I love in one place, made me feel a huge wave of guilt forever doubting him. The party was everything I could have wanted, decorations, my favorite foods, a beautiful cake, all my close friends and family, some even traveled hours to be there. I enjoyed myself a lot and also made sure to give my boyfriend a big kiss and whispered thank you for the surprise. He kind of chuckled and said, you really thought I'd forget your birthday? Never. I just smiled and played along like I hadn't spent three days furious at him. We'll talk about that later. Oh, and remember that expensive designer handbag? Yep, it ended up

being my birthday gift. During the party, Holden presented it to me in front of everyone and I had to jokingly scold him for spending so much, but I was honestly stunned, it's gorgeous and I've never owned a purse that nice. He just laughed and said I deserve nice things. I glanced over at his sister ass when I unwrapped it, and she had this odd forced smile. It struck me as a little strange, but in the moment I was overwhelmed with everything and didn't think too hard about it. After the big surprise and gift giving in some party games, I noticed S acting a bit off. She's usually very bubbly with me, but last night she seemed anxious and kind of quiet whenever Holden was nearby. Toward the end of the party, she asked me if I could talk with her privately for a minute.

I stepped aside with her, and she basically said she needed to tell me something that was weighing on her. We found a semi-quiet corner, and she confessed that the whole expensive gift for her thing was indeed a cover, that handbag was always meant for me. I was like, yeah, I kind of figured that out by now, and she nodded, but then she blurted out that there's more to it. She told me that Holden has been struggling a lot lately because he lost his job two months ago. To say I was shocked as an understatement. I was like, wait, what?

I thought he was just stressed from working too much. She explained that he was too ashamed to tell me he got laid off from his job in early spring, so he's been pretending to still have it while quietly job hunting. I immediately flashed back to all those times he said he was working late or seemed distracted, and suddenly it made sense. S went on to say that he didn't have much money saved, I had no idea, we've never really shared finances or discussed money in detail, and he was terrified of not being able to make my birthday special.

He apparently enlisted S's help. She lent him money to buy me a nice gift, that handbag, and to help throw the party. S even paid the deposit for the venue and catering, and he's supposed to pay her back once he finds a new job. I just stood there, taking all this in. I felt an absolute heartbreak that he went through all that for me, guilt that he had to bend over backwards because I'd been so upset, and honestly a bit of hurt that he couldn't confide in me about something as major as losing his job. S kept apologizing for ruining the surprise aspect of the gift and for telling me something Holden hadn't told me himself, but she said she felt I had the wrong. right to know what was really going on. She also admitted she felt a bit uncomfortable all night keeping this secret while watching me celebrating, not knowing the full story. I hugged her and

told her I'm really grateful she told me. I assured her she didn't ruin anything, in fact, I'm thankful to know so I can handle things appropriately moving forward. So, that's where we are now. I haven't confronted or spoken to Holden about the job loss yet. It was late by the time we got home from the party, and he was pretty exhausted, and maybe a bit tipsy. I didn't want to bring it up right away because I need to process how to approach it, and I also didn't want to let on that as told me before she has a chance to speak to him. I figure I'll give it a day and then have a serious sit-down talk with him about it. I have so many feelings right now.

I feel terrible for being angry about the birthday in the first place, knowing now what he's been dealing with. This man literally went into debt and orchestrated an entire surprise just, just to make me happy, at a time when he was likely feeling low and insecure about his career. It breaks my heart and makes me want to tackle hug him and never let go. I'm also a little upset that he felt he couldn't talk to me about losing his job. I understand pride and embarrassment, but I love him and I would have wanted to support him through that. The fact he hid it for two months, and lied about going to work every day, is something we'll need to address.

Overall, I'm feeling extremely sympathetic toward him and so grateful to have such a loving partner, but I also want to gently let him know that I'm here for him and he doesn't have to hide stuff like this from me. I haven't decided exactly how I'll start that conversation, but it's one I know we need to have soon. I'll post a final update after I talked to Holden about all of this. I'm hoping for the best. Honestly, I'm still kind of in awe of everything that's unfolded in the past week. What an emotional roller coaster. At the end of the day, I'm just really thankful for him and his sister and everyone who made the party happen.

Now I just want to make sure he knows I care more about him and his well-being than I do about any birthday gift or party. Comment one, your boyfriend sounds like an absolute gem for going to such lengths to make you happy, especially while he was secretly going through a tough time. That being said, it's understandable why he hid the job loss. Many people, especially guys, feel a lot of shame and pressure about that. When you talk to him, definitely let him know you're not angry, just concerned, and that you love him regardless of his employment status. He clearly adores you, he was willing to move mountains and borrow money to see you smile on

your birthday. Approach the conversation with that same love and he'll probably be immensely relieved you're not upset about the job thing. Op reply, I agree, he really is a gem. The more I think about it, the more I'm in awe of how much he did for me. And you're right, I think pride was a huge factor in him keeping the job loss a secret. I plan on being very gentle and loving when I bring it up. I want him to know that I'm not mad at all that he's out of work.

I'm only upset that he felt he had to go through it alone. I'm going to reassure him that we're a team and we'll get through ups and downs together. Honestly, I just want to hug him and tell him I'm so proud of him for every everything he's done. I hope this talk will make him feel supported and not embarrassed. Comment too, don't beat yourself up for being angry initially, you had no way of knowing the full situation. Yes, he had good intentions, but he also wasn't fully honest with you. It's okay to feel a little hurt that he didn't confide in you. You can be grateful and touched by what he did and still gently tell him that you wish he had told you the truth. The important thing is moving forward

with open communication. It sounds like you both really care about each other, so I'm sure you'll work it out. Op reply, I have to remind myself that my reaction was based on what I knew at the time. Anyone in my shoes would have been upset thinking their partner forgot their birthday, so I shouldn't feel too guilty for that. And I do intend to let him know, kindly, that I wish he'd felt safe telling me about losing his job. I want him to know I'm here for him no matter what, and that he doesn't need to hide those things from me. We've always talked about being honest and having each other's backs, so I want to reinforce that.

But I'll definitely keep the focus on how much I appreciate him and not make him feel bad for trying to spare me worry. Comment 3. S sounds like the MVP of this whole saga, honestly. Not only did she lend him money and help organize everything, but she also had the courage to tell you the truth. That's a really loving sister right there. You're lucky to have her in your corner too. Make sure to thank her, sounds like you did.

And give that woman a hug from all of us. Op reply, oh my gosh, absolutely, S is amazing. I've already thanked her profusely, but I'll probably do something extra nice for her graduation party, and something else like take her out to lunch or get her a thank you gift or something. She really stepped up for her brother, and for me by extension. I did give her a huge hug and told her how much I appreciate what she did and that she trusted me enough to be honest with me. I'm definitely grateful to have a future sister-in-law, crossed fingers emoji, like her. She's earned all the praise, for sure.

Final update, I had the talk with Holden, and it went as well as I could have hoped. I ended up gently telling him that I knew about his job situation. Turns out S had already given him a heads up that she told me, so he was. wasn't completely caught off guard. He looked pretty embarrassed at first, but I made sure to emphasize right away that I wasn't angry, just concerned and wishing he hadn't felt like he had to hide it. That opened the floodgates for him, he admitted that he lost his job about two months ago and that it really crushed his confidence. He was worried I'd see him as a failure or be disappointed in him. He also said he didn't want to ruin my birthday or make me worry, so he tried

to handle everything himself. I honestly almost started crying when he said all that. I told him there was no way I'd think he was a failure. In fact, I'm proud of him for working so hard to fix things and for still being so selfless despite what he was going through. I also gently scolded him, in a loving way, for underestimating me and not giving me the chance to be there for him. I made it super clear that I don't care about the money or fancy stuff, I care about him. If I had known, I would have been totally fine scaling back any birthday plans or just spending quiet time together, and I'd have supported him 100%. He apologized for not telling me and for deceiving me about the whole working late stuff. He said he just hated the thought of me worrying about bills or him being

unemployed, especially around my birthday. We had a really heartfelt conversation. There were a lot of hugs, and yes, a few tears on both sides. I told him how much I appreciated everything he did to make my birthday special, and that it was probably the most thoughtful thing anyone's ever done for me. I also told him that moving forward, we have to be honest about these kinds of struggles, because we're partners. He agreed completely. I asked him to promise that next time, God forbid there is a next time, but life happens, he won't shoulder it all alone and shut me out. He promised, and said he felt a huge relief being able to talk about it with me. I could literally see the tension melting off him as we spoke. As for the practical stuff, I offered to help him financially in the

interim until he finds a new job, or at least to pay back S immediately, but he was hesitant to accept. He said he has a couple of good job leads and he's hopeful something will pan out soon, and that he wants to handle his debts himself once he's back on his feet. I didn't push it, but I did tell him the offer stands and that we're in this together. Even if I'm not paying his bills, I can support him in other ways, like practicing interview questions with him, or just being a sounding bored when he's feeling down. He smiled and agreed, and we even managed to joke a bit. I teased that maybe I should hide my next promotion or raise and see how he likes being left in the dark. He was like, please don't, one secret keeping idiot in this relationship is enough. Followed by more hugs. In the end,

I'm just really happy and relieved. Happy that I have such a caring, devoted boyfriend, and relieved that we resolve this misunderstanding and the secret under it. It's been a crazy week of emotions, but I think we came out stronger on the other side. I let him know that no matter what happens with jobs or money or anything, I love him for who he is, a guy who tries so hard to make me smile even when he's struggling. So yeah, I got my birthday surprise after all. Thank you to everyone here who followed along. It meant a lot to me. All's well that ends well. Comment one, what a roller coaster, but I'm so glad it had a happy ending. Honestly, this sounds like a no-assholes-here situation in the end. You both had completely understandable feelings and you handled it with

love and communication. Your boyfriend clearly adores you, and you obviously care a ton about him. Wishing you both the best, you two deserve all the happiness, and a bit of calm after this wild birthday week. Op reply, thank you so much. Roller coaster is exactly. You, how it felt, but I'm really happy with where we ended up. I agree, neither of us meant any harm, it was just a misunderstanding that snowballed until we finally talked it out. Now that we have, I feel closer to him than ever. We're definitely looking forward to some calm, drama-free time now. Comment two, you guys are seriously relationship goals. It's so heartwarming to see two people who genuinely care and are willing to learn and grow together. Major kudos to be. Major kudos to

both of you for navigating this. And good luck to Holden on the job hunt, I bet with you cheering him on, he'll land something great soon. Aw, reply, ah, that's really sweet of you to say. I feel very lucky to have him, and I know he feels the same about me. We're not perfect, but we're trying our best to communicate and be there for each other. That's what matters. I'll absolutely be cheering him on every step of the way. Thanks again for all your kind words and support throughout this crazy story. I hope you enjoy this story. I chose to name my infant in honor of my ancestor rather than my factory, which led to a significant outburst. Security at the hospital had to intervene, and she later breached a legal order to stay away. Arrested which made Phil leave her.

I gave birth to my first child, a baby girl, just two weeks ago. My husband and I decided to name our daughter after my late grandmother, who was a huge influence in my life. and passed away last year. We chose the name Evelyn, after my grandma Eva, and it means the world to me. My mother-in-law, M.I.L, Linda had been heavily hinting throughout my pregnancy that we should name the baby after her. She doesn't have any daughters of her own. My husband is one of two sons, and she kept talking about how her mother named all her daughters after their grandmothers as a family tradition. We never actually agreed to this. In fact, my husband and I had privately settled on honoring my grandma long before the birth. We purposely didn't reveal the name to anyone until our

daughter was born, partly to avoid outside opinions. When my mill came to visit us at the hospital the day after I gave birth, we introduced her to baby Evelyn. At first, she just said, oh, in a disappointed tone and went quiet. We expected her to maybe be a bit hurt or surprised that we didn't use her name, but we were not prepared for what happened next. After a few silent seconds, she started asking why we didn't use her name as either the first or even the middle name. My husband gently explained that our daughter's name was chosen Evelyn months ago. That's when M.I.L.'s expression changed dramatically. She began raising her voice, saying that we had promised to name the baby after her, which we absolutely had not. She had merely told us she expected it, and we'd never

agreed. I calmly told her that I understood she wanted the baby named after her, but we never made that promise. I said we were sorry she was disappointed, but the name was our choice as the parents. She lost it. M. IL started screaming that I stole her only chance to have a name passed down and that I disrespected her in the most awful way. It was honestly terrifying. This was in the hospital recovery room and I was literally holding my newborn. My husband and a nurse tried to calm her down, but M.I.L. was hysterical. She yelled that I'd done this intentionally to hurt her, that I owed her for everything she's done for us, and that my grandmother wasn't even alive to appreciate it, which was a cruel thing to say. My husband firmly told his mom to stop and that she needed to leave

if she couldn't calm down. Instead of leaving, she lunged toward me as if she was trying to grab the baby or confront me, I'm honestly not sure which, but I instinctively turned away to shield my daughter. That's when hospital security was called by the nurse who had been standing outside. It all happened so fast. Two security guards rushed in and basically pulled my MIL back. She was screaming at us the entire time as they dragged her out of the room and down the hall. I was shaking in tears, and my baby was crying from all the yelling. The guards had to escort her out of the maternity ward entirely.

I later heard from a nurse that M.I.L. actually got escorted all the way out of the hospital because she refused to calm down and kept shouting even in the hallway. My husband went after them at first, but then returned to. to comfort me once she was gone. It was a horrifying and humiliating experience. Now that I'm home from the hospital, I've been bombarded with calls and texts from my husband's side of the family. Apparently, M.I.L. has been telling everyone that I deliberately excluded her and broke a family tradition, and that I caused her to have a panic attack at the hospital by being cruel. A few of my husband's relatives, like an aunt and a couple of cousins, are actually saying

we should have at least used M. I.L.'s name as the middle name to keep the peace or that we should have let Miel have her outburst because she was just emotional. My husband and I are both furious and deeply shaken by what happened. He has been fully supportive of me and is just as angry at his mother, but some of the family seem to think we caused this drama by not doing what Amiel wanted. I'm starting to wonder if we did the wrong thing by not just giving in to M.L.'s name request to avoid all this. I truly didn't expect her reaction to be so explosive. We just wanted to honor my grandma, who meant a lot to me. M. IL's name is also quite old-fashioned and honestly not a name either of us like very much, but that's beside the point. She assumed

our daughter would carry her name without us ever agreeing. So, Reddit, am I the asshole for naming my daughter after my grandmother instead of my MIL? Comment 1. NTA. Your baby, your choice of name. Yermile sounds unhinged, sorry. She had no right to expect the baby to be named after her. The fact she caused a scene so bad that security had to escort her out is just, wow. Are you and the baby okay? That must have been traumatic right after giving birth.

Op reply, it was definitely traumatic and not at all what I expected my first day with my newborn to be like. We're okay now, just still. shaken. Baby is fine, at the time she was wailing from the noise, but once things calmed down I was able to soothe her. I'm physically recovering well from the birth, but emotionally I'm pretty rattled. My husband and I are just focusing on keeping things calm at home. You're absolutely right, we believe it's our decision as parents to name our child. We never promised a mile anything. I still can't believe she went to that extreme. We knew she'd be disappointed. but we never imagined that level of anger.

Comment two. NTA. Did your husband back you up during all this? How is he handling it? A reply, my husband has been amazing through all of this. He absolutely backed me up at the hospital and told his mom to leave when she started screaming.

He was just as shocked and horrified as I was. He did chase after her initially when security took her out, but she was just screaming and not listening to him. So he came back pretty quickly to be with me. At home, he's been the one answering most of the calls from relatives. He's made it clear to them that we together made the decision about our daughter's name and that his mom's behavior was unacceptable. He's pretty devastated that his mother put us through this on what should have been a happy day. I can tell he's really angry at her and also embarrassed by her actions, but he's mostly focused on making sure the baby and I are okay.

We both are just stunned that she would do something like this. Update 1. First off, I want to thank everyone for the overwhelming support and validation in the comments. The general consensus was definitely that we were not the assholes, and honestly reading those comments helped me feel a lot more confident that we did nothing wrong in naming our daughter as we did. It's been a crazy week since the original post. I didn't get a chance to respond to everyone, but I did read and reply as much as I could. A lot has happened. The day after I posted, My Mill actually sent me a text message apology, well, more like a non-apology, out of the blue.

She said she was sorry for getting so emotional at the hospital but then immediately justified it by saying she was blindsided and hurt that we broke the family tradition. She wrote that she had been dreaming of having a granddaughter named after her for decades and that she overreacted because she was heartbroken. She did not actually admit that what she did was wrong, nor did she apologize for yelling or scaring us. It was mostly about how she felt hurt. She even said, I hope you understand why I was so upset, and I forgive you for how you spoke to me when I was in distress. Yes, she forgives us. That part really rubbed me the wrong way. It felt like a very fake, self-serving apology overall. I chose not to respond to Mills' message, and neither did my husband.

We agreed it was best to have zero direct contact with her for now. We informed my father-in-law, F-I-L, that Mill is not welcome at our home or around us and the baby until further notice. Phil was actually not present at the hospital meltdown. He was out of town for work and arrived back later that day, but he heard about it from my husband afterward. Initially, Phil called my husband and sounded extremely embarrassed and apologetic on my Mill's behalf. However, he also was urging my husband to please be understanding, she was just emotional and excited. It's clear he's in a tough spot, but we told him plainly that what she did was beyond the pale. Now, here's the really scary part, I learned what my mill was yelling as security dragged her out of my hospital room.

At the time, everything was chaotic and I only heard bits of her screaming. My husband hadn't told me immediately in the aftermath because I was already so distraught. but this week he sat me down and told me everything. Apparently, as the guards were pulling her away, she started screaming threats directed at me. According to my husband, she was yelling things like, That bitch is going to pay.

And you'll suffer the consequences for this. She also shrieked, You can't keep my granddaughter away from me. I'll make sure you regret this. To say I was horrified would be an understatement. I had no idea she had been screaming actual threats against me at the time. I was in shock when my husband told me. He said he didn't want to tell me when I was recovering in the hospital because he was

worried it would stress me out more while I was still in the hospital bed. But now that I'm stronger, he wanted me to know the full extent of what she said. I'm honestly really grateful he waited, because hearing that while I was freshly postpartum might have sent me into a panic attack. Even now, it's chilling. She basically vowed to make me suffer for not bending to her will. I don't know what she meant exactly by consequences, but just that phrasing is threatening. We've decided that we need to take this extremely seriously for our safety and sanity. My husband was absolutely furious all over again hearing his mother's words come out of his own mouth as he told me. He even went to confront Mill about the threatening language, over the phone,

and told her that he heard what she said. Apparently, she did not deny it. She yelled back at him that I deserve to feel some pain for what I did and that there are consequences to disrespecting her. He hung up on her before it escalated further. After that call, we have completely cut contact with Mill. We told Phil we will not speak to her or see her unless and until some very serious changes occur, and honestly, I don't know what those would even be at this point. My husband has been looking into potential legal options in case she tries to follow through on any threats. We've started documenting everything, saving her messages, writing down the details of what happened at the hospital while it's still fresh, and so on. We haven't involved the police or courts yet, since aside from

the hospital outburst she hasn't tried to contact us directly again, the one-text apology aside. But knowing she said those things and still feels that way makes us very wary. Phil is aware of what she screamed, my husband told him, and he has been trying to play mediator a bit. He keeps saying she didn't mean it and that she just felt hurt and talked crazy. I told him bluntly that whether she meant it or not, I consider it a threat and I have to protect my baby and myself. He said he understood but also that Mill is apparently a wreck right now, crying and saying we're going to keep her granddaughter away forever. As far as I'm concerned, that's on Mill for behaving the way she did. For now, we're just staying no contact and keeping our

doors locked. We also informed the hospital to put Mill on a list of people not allowed to visit in case she tried to come back, just in case, since we were there a couple days post-birth. I'm not sure what our next steps are, but we're considering speaking to a lawyer to see what can be done if she keeps this up or if we can somehow ensure she doesn't cause more trouble. It's really sad that it's come to this. I'll update again if there are any major developments, but for now we are safe and focusing on our baby. Thank you again for all the supportive comments and advice. It helped us not second-guess ourselves during this mess.

Comment one, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Good on you for documenting everything and considering legal action. A restraining order might be a good idea if she's making threats. Even if she doesn't get violent, threats to involve CPS or to take the baby are not uncommon in these crazy mill situations I've read about. Don't wait for her to actually do something worse. Also, how's the rest of the family reacting now that this has escalated? Are they still siding with her or finally realizing she's in the wrong?

Op, reply, it's been a mix. The relatives who initially were saying just give her the middle name to keep the piece have quieted down a lot since they heard about the hospital incident in more detail. I think once words spread that she was removed by security, a lot of them realized how extreme it got. We haven't broadcasted the threats she made, I'm not really eager to start more drama by telling the whole extended family about it, but my husband did tell his brother and father. His brother is completely on our side and basically said mom needs help. As for my father-in-law, he's in protect mode for her but also seems really embarrassed. He's been trying to downplay it like she didn't mean those things, she just lost her head.

But at the same time he hasn't tried to defend her behavior at the hospital at all, he doesn't. did say he was sorry about that and that she was way out of line. Update 2. About a month has passed and we decided to take legal action. With a lawyer's help, we obtained a restraining order against my Mill, effective for one year, the maximum the judge would grant. It bars Mill from contacting us or coming near me, my husband, or our baby. The judge had no issue granting it given what happened. Mill was served with the order two weeks ago. According to My Phil, she was absolutely livid when it happened, ranting that we betrayed her and that her own son was treating her like a criminal. We pretty much expected that reaction.

The important thing is, the order seems to be doing its job. We haven't heard a peep from her since. My Phil is still in touch with us and he comes by once a week to visit his granddaughter. We made it clear he has to come alone and not share any information with Mill, and he's respected those rules so far. The only problem is that he keeps trying to get us to forgive and forget. Nearly every visit, he'll gently suggest that maybe we could sit down with Mill or that she's learned her lesson now. My husband and I shut that down every time. We've told him plainly that we're not ready, and may never be, to be honest, and that pushing us is only going to strain our relationship with him. He usually backs off when we reiterate that, but I can tell he's really torn up about the whole situation.

I do feel bad for Phil. He's been married to Mill for 35 years and he's clearly in a tough spot, trying to keep the peace. He insists she's not a bad person, just emotional, and that this behavior was totally out of character. Still, we stood firm that it doesn't excuse what she did. Whether she meant it or not, we have to protect our baby and ourselves. He said he understood, even if he doesn't like it. On the plus side, things at home have to be. have been much more peaceful. Baby Evelyn is thriving, and I'm finally able to enjoy being a new

mom without constant drama hanging over us. I don't really know what Mill is doing with herself these days. Phil doesn't talk about her much when he's here, and we don't ask. I heard through a family member that she's beside herself missing the baby, but honestly, that's on her. She hasn't made any effort to sincerely apologize or get help, so there's not much anyone can do. Our plan is just to keep our distance and enforce the restraining order. When the year is up, we'll reevaluate based on her behavior then, but if she's still a potential threat or hasn't changed, we'll likely seek to extend it. For now, we're just grateful for the breather the restraining order gives us. No more surprise visits or harassment, at least for the time being.

Comment one, I'm glad you got the restraining order. Even if it's just a year, it sends a message that her behavior was beyond acceptable. It's good that Phil is respecting it, but him pushing you to reconcile is not cool. Forgive and forget doesn't just magically apply when someone threatens to take your child. Has your mill done anything to show she's changed? Any therapy or real apology? If not, Phil is just wishfully thinking. Stay cautious, sometimes people like your mill behave for a while then try some.

something when they think the dust is settled. Op reply, you're absolutely right. Forgive and forget is unrealistic given the circumstances. As far as I know, Mill has not taken any steps to change or get help. If she's in therapy or something, we haven't heard about it, and I feel like Phil would mention it if she was. We certainly haven't received any kind of genuine apology from her. The only communication was that one text a while back which was more about her feelings

than anything. So yeah, Phil's stance is basically based on wanting things to go back to normal, not on any actual change on Mill's part. We are definitely staying cautious. We've read enough and been advised enough to know that just because it's quiet now doesn't mean we let our guard down. Trust me, the moment Mill does anything shady, we'll be ready to involve the police. I honestly hope she just stays away and maybe uses this time to reflect. But I'm not holding my breath on that. Comment two, Phil is in denial.

I get that it's his wife of decades, but come on. He saw what she did, or at least knows, and he still thinks this can just be smoothed over with an apology. I hope he isn't giving her info about you or the baby. You mentioned you told him not to, but do you trust that? I'd be a bit wary that he might unintentionally slip up or even deliberately share baby photos or updates with her because he feels bad for her. Op reply, that's a fair concern. We did have a talk with Phil early on about boundaries.

We told him explicitly that we do not want him sharing any information about us or the baby with Mill, no photos. No, the baby smiled for the first time today's stories, nothing. He agreed and said he understood. Do I 100% trust that he's not sharing anything? I'll admit, I have some lingering worry. He might think a little update here or there is harmless to cheer her up. But my husband has emphasized to him that even a small slip could be a huge setback.

We haven't caught wind of anything leaking back to Mill, and I think Phil knows that if we do, it would likely mean cutting off his visits too. So I'm trusting him on this. He genuinely loves his grandchild and I don't think he wants to jeopardize being able to see her. Fingers crossed. Update 3. I really hoped I wouldn't be back with another scary update, but here we are. It's been about four months of quiet.

The restraining order kept Mill away and we had no direct contact. We thought maybe she had finally backed off, at least for the time being. Unfortunately, we were wrong. A few nights ago, Mill violated the restraining order in the worst way. Around dusk, out of nowhere, there was a violent pounding on our front door and Mill's voice screaming outside. Give me my granddaughter. She was yelling. You can't keep her away from me. My husband peeked through the front window and immediately saw that it was his mother on our doorstep. He shouted for me to take the baby and hide, so I grabbed our daughter and my phone and locked us

in the nursery, then dialed 9-1-1 straight away. From the nursery, I could hear her screaming that we had no right to keep her from her granddaughter. I was trying to keep the baby calm while explaining the situation to the 911 dispatcher, absolutely terrified that Mill might try to break in. After a minute of incessant pounding and shouting, I suddenly heard the sound of glass shattering. Later we discovered she had grabbed some rocks from our yard and was hurling them at the house.

One had cracked the glass panel of our front door. My husband yelled through the door for her to stop and that the police were coming, but she screamed back that she didn't care. It felt like forever, but it was probably only, only a few minutes before the police arrived. The moment Mill saw the flashing blue lights pull up,

her tone reportedly flipped, she went from rage to frantic pleading. By the time I dared to come out of the nursery, the officers had her in handcuffs on our front lawn. I watched them lead her to the police car as she babbled incoherently, alternating between sobbing and yelling about her granddaughter. It was a completely surreal sight to witness my Mill being arrested. The police took our statements and documented the damage. They were already aware of the restraining order on file.

Mill was taken into custody and they confirmed she'd be charged for violating the order, as well as for the property damage. After giving all the information, my husband and I spent that night cleaning up the broken glass and trying to calm our nerves. Needless to say, we barely slept after all that. The following day, my Phil came over, but not for a normal visit, it was to talk about what happened. He showed up looking absolutely distraught, like he hadn't slept either. As soon as he walked in, he began apologizing profusely. He said he was so, so sorry for ever doubting us and downplaying Mills' behavior. He admitted, I was wrong.

I never imagined she could do something like this. He explained that he had no idea she was planning to come to our house. She'd only told him she was going out for a drive. He only found out about the arrest when she called him from jail later that night. He didn't make a single excuse for her this time. He said he's ashamed and at his wits end with her. He also promised he will respect whatever decisions we make going forward. He told us he won't ask us to forgive her or let her see the baby anymore,

because he realizes she went way over the line. It was an emotional conversation. My husband told his dad that we're sorry he's going through this, but our first priority had to be protecting our child. They ended up hugging, both of them in tears. It was heartbreaking to see a family ripped apart like this. As of now, Mill is out on bail. We intend to press charges for the restraining order violation and the vandalism.

There will likely be a court date soon, and we plan to cooperate fully with the authorities. We have no intention of dropping anything or being lenient. Given how blatantly she violated the order, it shouldn't be hard to get it extended or even made permanent. We're not sure what's next on the legal front or within the family. Phil has been very supportive since the incident, he's been checking on us and even helped board up the broken door glass. It's a welcome change in his attitude, though it's sad that it took such a crisis for him to fully accept reality. I'll post a final update after the legal side is resolved. Hopefully the next update will bring some closure to this nightmare.

Comment, now that Phil has seen the light, how is he doing? I feel for him, losing the partner he thought he knew. Has he said anything about what he plans to do regarding Mill? Is he staying with her or what? Op reply, he's really shaken up and hurt. This is a man who by all accounts had a stable, normal marriage for decades, and suddenly his wife is acting like a different person. From our conversations, I gather he's struggling with a mix of anger at her and guilt, like wondering if he could have prevented this or if he enabled her behavior over the years.

As for what he plans to do, he hasn't gone into great detail and I haven't pride. He did mention that he told her to seek help or he can't see a way forward together. I don't know if she will. They are still living in the same house as of now, but he implied they're not really speaking much at the moment. I imagine this might lead to some kind of separation if she doesn't drastically change. He said to us, I can't believe the woman I love did this. I don't know how to even look at her right now. It was heavy. But I'm letting him handle that part and just making sure he knows we're not blaming him for her actions.

I do worry about him, but he's got other families supporting him too. Final update. It's been a little while, and we finally have some closure. The legal process wrapped up last week. We didn't have to testify because Mill ultimately pleaded guilty to the charges of violating the restraining order and property damage. The judge sentenced her to 100 hours of community service and a hefty fine of several thousand dollars. There's no jail time, likely since it was a first offense and she took a plea deal, but she's on probation for a year and must attend anger management counseling. The restraining order remains in effect and can be extended if needed.

We haven't seen or heard from Mill at all since that awful night, and she didn't contest anything in court. In bigger family news, my Phil is now separated from Mill. He actually packed her bags and made her leave their house. They're taking a break after 35 years of marriage. Phil told my husband he can't even look at her and needs time apart to see if he can ever forgive her. Mill is staying with one of her sisters for now. I don't know if their marriage will survive, but Phil seems pretty much. pretty firm in his decision. It's sad that it came to this, but my husband and I completely understand

why he did it. As for us, we're doing okay. Our baby daughter is healthy and blissfully unaware of all this drama. We're relieved this chapter is closing. We're staying cautious, we even added extra home security, but hopeful that Mill will stay away and comply with the law. Phil continues to visit regularly to see his granddaughter and has been very supportive. We're grateful we can maintain our relationship with him despite everything that happened. This whole ordeal has been tough, but at least there were real consequences for Mills' actions. Thank you to everyone here who offered advice and support throughout. We're hopeful we can finally move forward and raise our daughter in peace.

I hope you enjoy this story. Invested a large sum of money supporting my sibling struggling with addiction, which involved funding rehabilitation programs on two occasions and offering free accommodation. However, he took my portable computer to purchase drugs and substances. Now he's in jail begging me to help one more time. I, 32M, have a younger brother, Tyler, 29M, who has struggled with drug addiction for the past five years. To give some background, I've always tried to be a supportive older brother. Growing up, Tyler and I were close. We come from a middle class family with loving parents, and neither of us had a rough childhood or anything like that.

Tyler was actually a smart, outgoing kid and later a friendly, funny teenager. He had a ton of potential, good grades when he applied himself, and a knack for art and graphic design. Unfortunately, in his early twenties he fell in with a bad crowd and started using drugs. What began as occasional partying escalated into a full-blown addiction that has consumed the last five years of his life. During those five years, I've done everything I could think of to help Tyler get clean and get his life together. I haven't just been a bystander, I've actively tried to support him time and time again, often at great personal cost. To illustrate,

here are some of the major ways I've tried to help my brother. One, paid for rehab, twice, I shelled out thousands of dollars for two separate stints and rehabilitation facilities for Tyler. The first time was about four years ago when his addiction became obvious and he agreed to get help. He stayed through the program, about 30 days, and got clean for a short while, but relapsed not long after. A couple years later, I paid for a second rehab stay when things got really bad again. Unfortunately, that attempt also failed, he finished the program, but relapsed within months. 2. Provided housing, I let Tyler live with me rent-free on multiple occasions. Whenever he was doing particularly poorly or had nowhere to go, I opened my home to him.

I thought a stable environment might help. I gave him a room, bought groceries, and didn't charge him a dime. Each time, it ended with him either sneaking off to get high or, in a few instances, bringing drugs into my home. I eventually had to kick him out more than once when I found paraphernalia in the bathroom or when he came home obviously high despite promising he wouldn't use under my roof. Three, offered jobs and financial support. I've helped Tyler get jobs at my workplace, I run a small business, and through friends of mine. I basically handed him employment opportunities, hoping that having a job would give him structure and purpose. Each time, he either stopped showing up or behaved so unreliably that he got fired.

Alongside that, I've loaned him money, which was rarely paid back, for things like paying off minor debts, getting his car fixed, and covering court fines from drug-related incidents. I did this hoping to remove some of the excuses he might use to justify continuing his lifestyle. Overall, I've been there for him countless times, driving him to support group meetings, talking him through depressive episodes, picking him up from sketchy neighborhoods in the middle of the night when he was strung out, you name it. Emotionally and financially, I've gone above and beyond for Tyler. My hope was that if I kept showing him he had support and a pathway out, eventually it would stick. I deeply love my brother, but his addiction has put me through the ringer.

It's exhausting and heartbreaking to watch someone repeatedly self-destruct despite all the help you extend. There have been many low points over the years, but the most recent incident really broke my trust completely. About a month ago, Tyler did something that hurt me profoundly, he stole my laptop and pawned it to get money for drugs. This happened while I was at work. I came home in the evening and my laptop, which I use for both personal and work matters, was missing. At first I thought I had misplaced it, but pretty quickly I pieced together what likely happened. I confronted Tyler, who was crashing at my place at the time, yet again, and after some initial denials, he admitted he took it and sold it because he was desperate for cash to buy pills.

I was furious and felt utterly betrayed. That laptop had important files and personal info on it. I told him to get out of my house immediately. I was done, I said I couldn't have him under my roof after that level of disrespect and violation of trust. He left, and honestly, I wasn't even sure where he went that night. I just knew I needed him out of my space. Not long after the laptop incident, Tyler's downward spiral continued and caught up with him in a big way.

He ended up getting arrested for drug possession a couple of weeks later. It wasn't his first run in with the law, but it's the most serious so far and it looks like he might be facing real consequences this time. In any case, he's currently in terms of his first run in the law. jail on those possession charges. From jail, Tyler reached out to me, and to our parents, asking for help. Specifically, he wants me to pay $8,000 for him to enter a particular private rehab program. According to him, the court is willing to release him to attend rehab if he has a guaranteed spot. The program he's talking about is a 90-day inpatient facility. He claims that this time will be

different because he's finally hit rock bottom and is truly ready to get clean for good. He sounds scared and desperate, saying he knows this is his last chance to turn his life around. I have very mixed feelings. I honestly do not trust him when he says this time is different because I've heard that before. He has claimed to hit rock bottom multiple times, only to go back to using as soon as things stabilized or the pressure was off. It's a vicious cycle, he promises change, I, or my parents, relent and help him, he relapses, and we're back to square one. Meanwhile, I'm out another chunk of money or have endured more chaos in my life. The $8,000 he's asking for is not a trivial amount for me.

I do have some savings and I could technically come up with the money, but it would mean delaying other financial goals I've been saving for a house-down payment, among other things. More than the money, it's the principal and the emotional toll. Each time I've paid for rehab or helped him out, I get my hopes up and then end up crushed and angry when he falls back into old habits. It has taken a huge emotional toll on me. Our parents are also involved in this. They cannot afford the rehab costs themselves, they're nearing retirement and don't have that kind of money, so they're pressuring me to pay, saying that we can't just abandon Tyler and that this might be the chance that they're nearing retirement. that finally sticks. My mom, especially, is pleading with me, she's terrified he'll die if we don't help.

Dad is more reserved but he also feels we should try to support Tyler one more time, given how serious the situation is. I understand their fear, I'm scared too, but I also feel resentful that the expectation always falls on me to foot the bill and clean up the mess. They haven't spent the kind of money I have on this, though of course they've dealt with the emotional burden. It's like they view it as my duty as the older brother, since I'm more financially stable, to keep rescuing Tyler. I've told them, and Tyler, that I'm extremely reluctant. I basically said I do not want to pay for another rehab stay because the last two times didn't work and he even stole for me most recently to fuel his habit. I said I believe I've done more

than enough and at some point Tyler has to help himself. That was met with various reactions, my mother cried, my father said he understands but disagrees, and Tyler has been sending me letters from jail, plus phone calls when he can, trying to convince me that this time will be different. In his messages, he acknowledges he screwed up horribly by stealing from me and says he regrets it deeply. He insists that being in jail has opened his eyes, that he never wants to end up here again, and that if I help fund this rehab placement, he will finally straighten out. It's a lot of emotional pressure, honestly. I'm really torn.

If I don't pay, he might just sit in jail or eventually get released back into the same environment with no structure, and then he could very well end up overdosing or worse. I fear that scenario. But if I do pay, I risk being out a large sum of money for potentially nothing if he drops out or relapses yet again. It feels like a lose-lose, either I feel guilty for possibly allowing my brother to come to harm by refusing to help, or I potentially enable him further and take another financial hit for no result. So that's where things stand. I'm leaning towards not giving him the money this time, simply because I feel I have to draw the line somewhere. I'm emotionally at the end of my rope and I don't have it in me to go through yet another cycle of false hope and disappointment. I also don't like that I'm being expected to sacrifice my own future financial security for something that has a high chance of being wasted again.

Still, it's a very hard decision and I feel awful about it. That's why I'm here. I need some outside perspective. Am I the asshole for not helping my brother pay for rehab after he stole for me to buy drugs? Update 1, about one week later. First, I want to thank everyone who commented on my husband. my original post. I read all the responses and it was enlightening and emotionally tough to see what people had to say. The majority of you told me I was NTA, not the asshole, and that I had done

more than enough for Tyler. A lot of you pointed out that continuing to bail him out might just enable him to keep using without facing the full consequences. Some also encouraged me to consider one last effort if I saw true remorse, but only with strong boundaries in place to protect myself. It gave me a lot to think about. After wrestling with the decision, I decided to at least go see Tyler in person at the county jail before making a final call. I figured I owed it to myself, and to him, maybe, to see his condition and gauge how sincere he really was. So a couple of days after my post, I visited him during visiting hours. Seeing my brother in jail, in an orange jumpsuit behind Plexiglass, was pretty sad.

We had to talk through a phone handset across a glass partition. He looked tired, thinner, and genuinely miserable. When he saw me, his eyes filled with tears almost immediately. I've seen Tyler cry before, often in manipulative or withdrawal situations, but this felt different, he looked broken. Our conversation was emotional but fairly calm. Tyler started by apologizing profusely. He said, I'm so sorry for it.

everything, for stealing your laptop, for lying, for all the pain I've caused. He actually broke down sobbing at one point, saying he hates who he's become. I tried to stay neutral and just listen without promising anything. I told him I was very hurt and angry about what he did, and that I've lost a lot of trust in him over the years. He said he understood completely and that I have every right to feel that way. I asked him why he thinks this time will be different. I needed to hear his reasoning. He took a moment to compose himself and then explained that being in jail has been a huge wake-up call. According to him, something really traumatic happened on his first night there, his cellmate overdosed and died right next to him.

Apparently the guy had smuggled in drugs or had taken a lot before being arrested, and he went into cardiac arrest overnight. I was stunned hearing this. Tyler said watching someone literally die from drugs, in a filthy jail cell, absolutely terrified him. It was like looking at his own future if he didn't change. He then detailed a plan he's been thinking about. He told me that if he can get into this 90-day rehab, he's determined to stick with it fully. After rehab, he wants to go into a sober living house or transitional program for a while to slowly adjust back to normal life while staying clean. He said he's willing to attend daily N.A., Narcotics Anonymous, meetings, get a sponsor,

go to individual therapy, basically whatever it takes. He even talked about maybe going back to school or getting a certification in graphic design once he's stable, because he remembered how much he used to love art. Honestly, it was the most detailed and future-oriented plan I've ever heard from him. Usually in the past his promises were vague like I'll get a job or I'll stay clean, I swear, but this time he actually had steps in mind. I'll admit, sitting there hearing all this, my resolve. was shaken. I had walked into the jail determined to stay firm and not get sucked in by what could

be more empty promises. But the combination of seeing him so genuinely scared and remorseful, and hearing about the cellmate's overdose, a pretty extreme eye-opener, really hit me hard. He said more than once, that could have been me. If I keep going like this, it will be me. I don't want to die. That was the first time I'd heard him express such a blunt fear of death and desire to live. My brother actually saying I don't want to die, I want to live, it struck me deeply. He also said, I know I've said all this before. But I swear this time is different. Something clicked. I'm done with this life. I'll prove it to you. Just please give me one more chance. He was pleading, but in a remorseful way, not an entitled way. I didn't make any promises right then.

I told Tyler I was glad he was thinking seriously about his future and that I truly hoped he meant every word. Before I left, he asked me one more time to consider helping him get into the rehab. He said, no matter what you decide, I love you and I'm sorry for everything. Hearing that, along with him saying he doesn't want to die, really stuck with me. It sounded sincere. And I left the jail feeling very conflicted and emotional. In the days following that visit, I had long talks with our parents and did a lot of soul searching. My mom was of course adamant that this was a turning point for Tyler and we had to help him get into that rehab.

My dad was optimistic but said something like, if this doesn't do it, nothing will, implying that this truly is the last chance. I also reflected on the advice many of you gave. Some of you said to help him but with very clear conditions to avoid enabling, while others said it was time for tough love and to let him face the consequences on his own. Ultimately, I've come around to the idea of giving him what I truly believe is one final chance, but not blindly. I'm going to have safeguards for my own sanity and to ensure he has some skin in the game. I haven't committed the money yet, but I've started looking into the rehab program he mentioned to verify its reputation and see if there are any payment plans or options. I also spoke to a lawyer friend about

possibly drafting an agreement if I decide to pay, just to formalize things. I'll explain more in my next update once I firm everything up. I'll be honest, I'm still nervous that I might be making a mistake or setting myself up for more heartache. But if what Tyler told me is genuine, I know I would have a hard time for giving myself if I didn't at least try to help him make good on it. I don't want to enable him, I want to help him help himself. There's a subtle difference there that I'm trying to navigate. I'll update again soon when I have a concrete plan and decision. Update 2, another two weeks later, all right, I have made a decision and followed through with

it, with some strict conditions attached. After carefully considering everything, and honestly losing a lot of sleep over it, I agreed to pay for the 90-day rehab program for Tyler, but I did so only after taking a number of precautions to protect myself and ensure Tyler is truly committed. First off, I didn't hand over any money directly to my brother, obviously. I contacted the rehab facility that Tyler wanted to go to and verified they would accept him as a patient coming straight from jail. The $8,000 cost is indeed what they charge for a 90-day inpatient stay if paying out of pocket. I went ahead and paid the fee directly to the facility to secure his spot.

This involved coordinating with the legal system as well. We arranged for Tyler to be released from jail into the custody of the rehab program as part of a deal with the court. The judge was on board with him going to treatment, but it had to be a reputable program and paid up front. It took some paperwork and phone calls, but we got it done. Crucially, before he left jail, I made Tyler sign a formal agreement with me. I actually drafted a document, with the help of my lawyer friend, that basically says the $8,000 for rehab is a alone, not a gift. The agreement stipulates that if Tyler completes the full 90-day program and maintains sobriety, we can discuss a very lenient payback plan or maybe even forgiving some of it

in the future. The primary goal is his recovery. However, if he fails to complete the program, for example, if he leaves early against advice or gets kicked out for breaking rules, or if he relapses soon after finishing, then he is required to pay back the entire $8,000 to me, a certain time frame. In short, there will be concrete consequences if he flakes out. He didn't hesitate to sign it, he actually seemed eager, which I took as a positive sign. I know a contract can't guarantee good behavior, but it put our understanding in black and white and made him accountable. About two weeks ago, Tyler was transferred straight from jail to the rehab facility. I went with him, since I had to handle intake paperwork as the payer.

It was nice seeing him out of jail and into a treatment center, but I was cautiously hopeful. The rehab staff did a medical evaluation and intake interview while I was there. Before I left, Tyler gave me a big hug and thanked me about a dozen times. He promised me, again, that he wouldn't screw this up. I took that moment to gently remind him, Ty, this truly is the last time I can do this. If you bail or go back to using, I'm done. No more chances, he said he understood completely and that it wouldn't come to that. In the first couple of weeks of his program, I had limited contact with him, which was expected,

the facility has a policy of restricted phone access initially. I did get one brief phone call from him about a week in. He sounded okay, a bit low and tired, understandable while going through withdrawal and intense therapy, but he said he was sticking with it. He mentioned it was really hard that some days in group therapy were tough, but he kept saying he was determined to see it through. I also got a couple of progress updates from one of the counselors. Since I'm listed as an emergency contact and the one paying, Tyler signed a release allowing them to share general info with me. The counselor said that Tyler was participating in all the sessions and seemed motivated.

She did caution that it's early, and many patients start strong than struggle, but so far he was doing well. That small bit of good news allowed me to sleep easier for a while. My parents were thrilled that Tyler was in rehab and doing all right initially. They've been much more at peace knowing he's off the streets and getting professional help. My mom has been sending him letters, the rehab allows patients to receive mail, and he's written back a couple times, sounding thankful and committed. All of us were hopeful that maybe this time, with the scare he had in jail and a structured 90-day program, we'd finally see a lasting change. At this point, a couple of weeks into the rehab, things were on track. I was out $8,000, which definitely stings financially, but I tried to

view it as an investment in getting my brother back healthy, which would be priceless. I had the written agreement for peace of mind, but honestly if he truly turned his life around I wouldn't care about the money. I allowed myself to imagine that by the end of the 90 days he could be a new man and our lives might finally stabilize. I was still prepared for the possibility of failure, I'm a realist after all, but I had a bit of genuine hope. I'm posting this update now to let everyone know that, so far, things have been going okay. Tyler is in rehab, following the plan he promised, and I'm doing my best to support him without enabling him. I truly hoped I would have a positive report at the end of the 90 days. Update 3, one month after last update, well,

here we are, and unfortunately the news isn't good. About a two months into the 90-day rehab, Tyler decided to leave the program early. To say I'm disappointed would be an understatement. I'm also angry, but more than anything I feel just utterly defeated by this whole thing. Here's what happened, around the 47-day mark of his stay, approximately four to six weeks after my previous update, I got a call from one of the rehab staff informing me that Tyler had checked himself out AMA against medical advice. In other words, he chose to leave the facility despite the counselors urging him to stay. Because this rehab isn't a locked detention center, it's a voluntary program, even if court supported, they couldn't legally keep him once he insisted on signing himself out. They tried to convince him to continue, but he was adamant and walked away from the program. I was floored when I got that call.

Honestly, it blindsided me, by all accounts he had been doing reasonably well up to that point. It took about a day, but he eventually called me, he must have borrowed a phone or something. He had left the rehab and ended up at a friend's place in that area. When I finally spoke to him, I asked him why on earth he would throw away this chance after everything we did to get him there. His reasoning, if you can call it that, was that the program was too controlling and wasn't a good fit for him. He complained that the staff were too controlling and that he hated the strict rules and lack of privacy. He insisted he could stay clean on his own if he had more independence than the rehab allowed. In short, he was chafing

under the structure there and convinced himself he didn't need it. I was furious and also had this sinking feeling of here we go again. I told him that leaving rehab early was a huge breach of our agreement, both the personal promise he made and the literal contract he signed. I reminded him that, per our deal, he now technically owes me the entire $8,000, since he didn't complete the 90 days. He brushed that off with excuses, saying I'll pay you back, I told you I will, just give me time, and then quickly shifted to justifying his decision. He swore up and down that he hadn't relapsed, he claimed he just couldn't stand a particular program and that there are other ways to get clean. He kept saying, trust me, I know what I'm doing. I'm still serious about getting sober, I just need to do it my own way.

I was extremely skeptical, to put it mildly. He got a bit defensive when I expressed doubt and insisted he hadn't touched anything and wouldn't. Then came another request, he asked if I could give him a few hundred dollars for a sober living place, claiming he needed money for a deposit and first month's rent for a transitional housing arrangement. He said the friend's couch was only a temporary stop and that he wanted to move into a proper sober living house to continue recovery outside of inpatient rehab. He had basically nothing on him when he left, since he went to rehab straight from jail with just some clothes we gave him, so he said he needed help to make this move. This immediately set off alarm bells. Given that he just bailed on rehab, I strongly suspected he might use the money for drugs.

If he were really committed to sobriety, he wouldn't have left rehab in the first place. And handing him cash when he's vulnerable is basically like lighting it on fire. I told him flat out I wasn't giving him any money, especially after he reneged on our rehab agreement. I even said that if he had a specific sober living home lined up, he should give me the info and I would consider paying that place directly after verifying it, but he couldn't provide any concrete details. He hemmed and hawed, then claimed the place he was looking at didn't take third-party payments, which sounded dubious.

This made me even more certain that this was just about getting cash. He got angry and accused me of abandoning him when he was finally trying to fix his life, he said things like, so you're just going to turn your back on me now. I told him he was the one who walked out on the help that was provided. The argument went in circles until I finally said I couldn't do this anymore, I was done, and I hung up. After that, I informed my parents about what happened. They were very upset, as you'd expect. My mom initially suggested maybe we find him a different program or help with that sober living place, but I put my foot down and refused.

I told her it would be throwing good money after bad and that Tyler has to face the consequences now. My dad finally agreed that it's on Tyler to figure himself out. Both of them are extremely disappointed. As of now, Tyler is out of rehab and on his own. I suspect he's crashing with the same friend, likely not. a great influence. I haven't had any further contact with him since that phone blow up. I told him that door is open to talk if he wants to genuinely communicate, and not just ask for money, but he hasn't reached out again. Emotionally, I'm angry and heartbroken. I let myself hope,

and he crushed it. This was the last big effort I had in me, and now there's nothing more I can do except let go and pray he figures it out. The $8,000 is gone, I have. I have. I have to. I doubt I'll ever see a scent of it. Money can be recouped eventually. What's harder is accepting that I can't save my brother if he won't save himself. Right now, I'm focusing on not letting this destroy me too. I hate to end on such a down note, but that's reality at the moment. I'm basically bracing myself for whatever comes next with Tyler. I truly hope he somehow uses this as a lesson and gets clean on his own, but I'm not optimistic. I'll post another update if there are any major developments.

Honestly, I hope the next update won't be a tragedy, but at this point it's out of my hands. Update 4, two weeks after Update 3, this is a difficult update to write, but I think it will be the final one. About two weeks after Tyler left rehab, not long after my last update, he overdosed. We very nearly lost him. Here's what I know of the situation. Tyler drifted back to the same crowd and apparently relapsed not long after leaving rehab. One evening, he overdosed on what was likely opioids at a friend's house. The friend found him unresponsive and called 911.

Paramedics had to revive him with Narcan and rushed him to the hospital. I got a panicked call for my mom in the middle of the night and rushed to the hospital. My parents were already there, distraught. Tyler was conscious but groggy in a hospital bed, hooked up to IVs and monitors. He was extremely lucky to be alive. Seeing him like that, pale, weak, and so close to death, filled me more with sadness and relief than anger. We didn't talk much that night beyond telling him we loved him and were glad he was okay.

The hospital kept him a couple days and the substance abuse intervention team had a blunt talk with him. Next time, he might not be so lucky. They urged him to go from the hospital straight into treatment. Because of the overdose and his legal situation, the state arranged to put him on a short and voluntary detox hold, with plans to transfer him to a state-funded rehab as part of his court requirements. Basically, they didn't discharge him home, he's being placed into treatment by default. At the hospital, I let the professionals take over.

I made it clear in front of him that I would not be paying for or arranging anything this time. So now, Tyler is in a state facility for detox and will be transferred to a court-mandated rehab. It's out of our hands and, honestly, I'm grateful. Perhaps having the system and not the family, enforced the consequences will make a difference. At the very least, we are no longer the ones trying to drag him to get help. circumstances have forced his hand. I now realize that by constantly rescuing him, we were just delaying the inevitable. We never let him hit rock bottom, we shielded him from everything.

This overdose might have finally been his true rock bottom. It's awful that it came to this, but I see now that nothing I did could have prevented it as long as he wasn't truly ready. He will only get clean when he commits to it, not for us or because we paid for rehab, but because he wants to live. I've made peace with the fact that I did everything I reasonably could, and I don't blame myself for what happened, in the past, I probably would have. He got a second chance at life that many don't get. Maybe this scare will finally push him to embrace recovery, I truly hope it does. But I will not be actively involved beyond offering emotional support. My boundary is firm, no financial help, no enabling.

If he asks for anything other than a listening year, the answer will be no. This is my final update, as the situation is now truly in Tyler's hands. I hope you enjoy this story. Invested countless years managing the rural property without compensation following my mother's passing, as my sibling resided in the urban area. Nevertheless, my father intends to pass it down to him due to his offspring. And I'm more capable, so I got a new job and left. Then Dad realized he couldn't afford to replace me.

I, 34F, moved back home to our small family farm eight years ago after my mom passed away, in order to help my dad keep it running. My younger brother, 31M, lives two states away with his wife and three kids. He works a city job and visits maybe twice a year, so he hasn't been involved in the farm at all. Over these eight years, I've basically been running the farm day to day. It's a small operation that barely makes any profit. Most years we just about break even, which is enough to cover property taxes and keep the place going for my dad's sake. My dad still helps where he can. It gives him purpose after mom's death, but the majority of physical labor and management falls on me.

I handle everything from tending the animals and crops, to maintaining the equipment, to doing all the bookkeeping and paperwork. And I do all this on top of working a part-time job in town to earn some actual income, since the farm itself doesn't really pay me. Essentially, I've been working on the farm unpaid, living there and helping out because someone needed to. Here's the problem. My dad recently mentioned he's updating his will, and he plans to leave the farm to my brother.

His reasoning is that my brother has a family to think about, because of his kids, and that I'm more capable of taking care of myself. In other words, because I'm single with no kids, and my brother is married with children, Dad thinks my brother needs the inheritance more than I do. I didn't want to blow up at my dad, but I did ask him if he was serious. I said something like, what about all the work I've done here? And he just got a bit defensive and said it's not about keeping score and that in a family you do things to help each other out.

He kind of downplayed my concerns, basically implying that I shouldn't be focused on who gets what, and that he trusts I'll be fine on my own because I'm capable. That really hurt. I have poured almost a decade of my life into this farm. I put my personal life on hold and moved here to support Dad and keep our family's land going. My brother, meanwhile, has never so much as mowed a field or helped with harvest, not because he's a bad person, but because his life took him elsewhere. But now Dad is saying that the farm, which only still exists because I've been working it,

will just go to my brother who had no part in it, just because my brother has kids and I don't. It feels like a huge slap in the face. I don't care about money in the sense that this isn't some lucrative property. It's more about the principle and the future. If my brother inherits the farm, I suspect he'll just sell it off for cash, since he has no interest or ability to run it. That would mean everything I've worked for, keeping this farm alive, improving it, maintaining it, was all for nothing. And I'd also basically lose my home and job in one go, while my brother

reaps the benefits of a sale. I haven't had a real sit-down confrontation with dad beyond that initial shocked conversation. He seemed to shut down the topic by saying family isn't about keeping score and making me feel like I'm selfish for even bringing it up. I do feel guilty because I don't want to be greedy or ungrateful. I know I moved back to help out of love and not with a guarantee of a reward. But at the same time, I feel incredibly unappreciated and taken for granted. It's like he doesn't see my contribution as worthy of anything, just because I'm the daughter and in his mind daughters just help out. I'm really conflicted and hurt. I don't know how to approach my dad without a fight, and I haven't told my brother about any of this either. So, Reddit, am I the asshole for

being upset that my dad intends to leave the family farm to my brother, even though I'm the one who has been working it for years? Am I just being entitled or does my frustration make sense? I could really use some perspective on this situation. Comment 1. NTA. Your dad is absolutely taking advantage of you. He's basically treating you like free labor and then rewarding your brother who did nothing. That's completely unfair. You have every right to be upset and honestly, you should consider stopping working for free. Your father is showing Blasier. favoriteism or maybe some outdated idea that the sun should get the farm. You're not wrong here.

Op reply, it really does feel like I'm being taken for granted. Comment two. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Have you actually sat down and talked to your dad about how this makes you feel? Maybe he doesn't realize how much this is hurting you or how much work you've put in because you haven't really sold your side of it. It might help to calmly explain to him what you told us here. Also, does your brother even want the farm?

Perhaps he might be on your side if he knows the situation. Either way, communication is key here. I'll reply, you're right, I haven't had a real heart-to-heart conversation with him yet. I kind of froze up when he mentioned the will change. I think I need to talk to him properly about it, as hard as that might be. I'm not sure if my brother knows or what he'd think. He's never shown interest in the farm. But yeah, I'll try to bring it up with Dad calmly and see if that helps.

Comment 3. Waityibu, you chose to move back and play farmer for eight years. That doesn't mean you get to whine about not being handed the land. It's your dad's property, not yours. He can leave it to whoever he wants, and it makes sense he'd give it to the kid who has a family to support. You sound entitled as hell expecting a reward for what you were supposed to do. If you don't like it, you can leave. But stop trying to guilt your poor father just because you regret wasting your own time.

Op reply, I'm not expecting a reward for helping my family. I did it because I cared. But it's hard not to feel hurt in this situation. I get that it's ultimately his decision, but I don't think it's wrong to feel unappreciated. I'm not trying to guilt him, I just want him to understand where I'm coming from. And leaving might honestly end up being what I have to do if nothing changes, as much as that sucks. Update 1. First of all, thank you to everyone who commented on my original post. It's been about three weeks, and I took the advice to sit down with my dad and talk things through.

Unfortunately, that conversation didn't go as well as I had hoped. I tried to explain to my dad how I felt that I've dedicated years of my life to keeping the farm running, and that it hurt to hear he'd give it to my brother who hasn't been involved at all. He seemed really uncomfortable and defensive. He basically said I shouldn't view family inheritance like payment for work and that I was wrong to make it about keeping score. His words were something along the lines of, this isn't about tallying up who did more. In a family you do things for each other because you care, not for some reward. He reiterated that my brother has a family to support and that I'm more independent.

So in his mind this is about looking out for the family members who need the most help. I brought up that it felt unfair, and he said, life isn't always full. fair, and inheritance isn't a paycheck. That pretty much ended the discussion because I didn't know how to respond without it turning into an argument. I also asked if my brother even knows about any of this yet. Dad told me he hasn't mentioned the will change to my brother at all. He acted like it's not a big deal and said it's just estate planning and I shouldn't worry so much about it. That was kind of shocking to me, because it feels like a very big deal. The whole talk left me feeling pretty disheartened. It's clear that my dad basically views all the work I do on the farm

as just something someone naturally does for her family. He doesn't see it as labor that gives me any ownership or stake, it's just expected of me, realizing that was pretty painful. So at this point, nothing has really changed. Dad is sticking to his plan, and I'm still here doing the daily farming tasks, but I'm growing resentful. I haven't confronted my brother about it yet, since he's still in the dark and lives far away. I'm honestly not sure where to go from here. This situation just feels really awful and unfair, but talking to dad didn't make a difference. I guess I'll have to figure out a next step, maybe involving my brother, but right now I'm at a loss. Comment one, this is just so wrong. Honestly, it sounds like your dad has some old school or sexist attitude,

like the daughter is supposed to toil away out of duty and the son, who did nothing, gets the reward because he's the male with a family. You are NTA at all. You have every right to feel hurt. Op reply, it does feel that way, unfortunately. I'm starting to suspect it is a lot of that old-fashioned mindset. It hurts to think that's how he views it, but I appreciate you validating that it's not okay. Comment two, if your dad refuses to see reason, you might need to.

need to start looking out for yourself. It's not fair to you to keep working yourself to the bone for free if he's just going to hand everything to your brother. Maybe start by cutting back your farm duties or finding a paid job elsewhere, something that will secure your future. It sucks, but your dad is taking you for granted and you deserve better. Op reply, I've been thinking the same thing, to be honest. I love the farm, but I can't pour my whole life into something that won't even be mine in the end. The idea of leaving makes me feel guilty, but you're right that I have to consider my own future if you won't. Comment three, you should definitely loop your brother into this conversation.

There's a chance he doesn't even want the farm. If he's a reasonable guy, he might side with you or at least be honest with your dad that he has no interest in it. At the very least, talking to him could clarify whether he plans to keep it or sell it if it goes to him. Knowing that might give you more leverage or insight when you talk to your, dad next. Op reply, that's a good point. I haven't talked to my brother yet mostly because it's awkward and I wasn't sure how to bring it up.

But I do want to know what he thinks and what he do if Dad actually follows through. I'll try to have that conversation with him soon, especially if I can't get through to Dad any other way. Update 2. A lot of commenters encouraged me to speak with my brother, so I did. My brother and his family came to visit Dad and me briefly, a show. short weekend trip, about two months after my original post. I took the opportunity to pull him aside and talk about what's been going on. I basically told him straight up that dad was

planning to leave the farm to him in the will. He looked surprised, it seemed like this was the first he'd heard of it. I asked him, hypothetically, what he would even do if he inherited the farm. Would he want to keep it or manage it somehow? He was pretty honest. He said something like, I mean. I can't exactly move out here and start farming. My life is in the city. The kids have school, and I have my job. Essentially, he admitted he wouldn't be able to personally make use of the farm. Then he kind of shrugged and said he'd probably just sell it if it came to him. I won't lie, hearing him say that out loud pissed me off, even though I expected it. I told him that I've put almost a decade of work into the farm and I really don't want to see it sold off to some developer

or stranger. I was hoping maybe he'd never thought about it from my side and might reconsider. He got a bit awkward and said something like, yeah. I get that. This is. I don't know, it's complicated. I'd have to think about it. That was about the extent of our talk. He didn't outright offer to decline the inheritance or suggest giving me any share or anything. He mostly just seemed uncomfortable. I suspect he doesn't want to be the bad guy, but he also clearly sees the farm more as a burden or an asset to cash out, rather than something to keep in the family. After that conversation, I felt pretty low. It confirmed my worst fear.

If Dad goes through with this, the farm's basically going to be sold the minute it passes to my brother. I'm trying not to resent my brother. It's not his fault Dad set this up, and he's just being practical about his own. situation. But it still felt like a blow, because it means all my work here truly would end up for nothing in the long run. So, that's where things stand. Dad still hasn't explicitly told my brother, hey, I'm leaving you the farm, so my brother is kind of waiting on that news from Dad, I guess. I haven't told Dad about the details of my talk with my brother yet either. We just had the visit, they left, and now I'm processing it all. I'm not sure how or when to bring this up with Dad, like, by the way, I talked to brother and he said he'd sell the farm.

I anticipate the conversation is going to be rough. But at least now I have a clearer picture, if nothing changes, the farm's future is basically nil. It's a really discouraging realization, and I'm trying to figure out what to do with that information. Comment 1. Now you have concrete proof that your brother would sell the farm. I think you need to tell your dad this immediately. If your dad's whole reasoning was about family and preserving things, he needs to understand that his plan means the farm won't stay in the family at all. If he still insists on leaving it to your brother after knowing it'll be sold, then he's being unbelievably stubborn and short-sighted. Lay it out for him, giving the farm to your brother equals the farm's gone. Maybe that will wake him up.

Op reply, I agree that he needs to hear this and soon. I'm working up the courage to have that conversation. It's not going to be easy telling him that his grand plan would actually backfire completely. But you're right, he has to face that reality. I really hope that information will make him reconsider, because it's basically exactly what I was afraid of. Comment too. I have to say, I'm a bit disappointed in your brother's reaction too.

I get that his life is elsewhere, but he didn't even entertain the idea of trying to keep the farm or acknowledge your years of work. He basically said, yeah, I'll sell you. it without missing a beat. A stand-up guy might have told your dad, give it to sis, she's the one who earned it. At the very least he could have suggested some kind of split or plan that includes you. It comes off as pretty selfish that he'd just take the money. I know your dad is the main issue here, but I'd be feeling hurt by my brother as well. Op reply, I was a little disappointed, too. I don't think he means to hurt me, in his mind, he's just being practical about what he'd do.

But yeah, a small part of me hoped he would say something like, you've been doing all the work, maybe it should go to you, or that he'd at least reassure me he wouldn't screw me over. He really didn't. I'm not trying to villainize him, but it did sting that he didn't seem to appreciate what I've done either. Update 3, 4 months later. It's been a few more months, and I've started quietly preparing for the possibility that I might have to build a life away from the farm.

After reading the advice here and seeing how things were going, I updated my resume and began looking around for other job opportunities in the agricultural field. I haven't left yet or anything, but I've definitely been less involved in long-term planning for this farm. I think my dad has noticed. The other day, my dad actually confronted me. He asked why I seemed distracted and not as engaged with the upcoming season's plans. I decided to be honest. I told him that I was considering my options outside the farm, since it's become clear to me that I don't really have a future here in the long run. I tried to say it as gently as possible, but I didn't hide the truth.

I can't keep investing all my time and labor into a farm that I'm not going to inherit or have any ownership in. Well, that blew up. My dad got really upset and emotional. He basically accused me of abandoning him. He said, so you're just going to leave me here all alone in my old. age? After everything, you're walking away? He went on about how he thought I cared about our family and the land, and how my mom would be so disappointed if she knew I was willing to just up and leave. He framed it like I was betraying the family. I did my best to stay calm. I reminded him that I have

been here for eight years out of love for the family, but that I also have to think about my own life. I told him directly that it's hard to justify staying when I know I'll end up with nothing, and when I that if my brother gets the farm, he'll likely sell it off anyway. I did mention that last part, that my brother had told me pretty plainly he'd sell. Dad just shook his head and said something like, you don't know that for sure. He might realize its value to the family when the time comes. It felt like he was in denial or just didn't want to hear it. The conversation was awful. We were both angry and hurt by the end of it. My dad basically thinks I'm being selfish and disloyal. From my perspective, he's the one who put me in an impossible position.

I told him, I'm not trying to hurt you, Dad. But I have to have a life that's mine. I can't work myself into the ground here and then have it all taken away. He just said, I never asked you to sacrifice anything. You chose to come back. If you want to go, then go. But he said it in this very bitter way. So yeah.

Now we're kind of at an impasse. He knows I'm serious about possibly leaving, and he's upset. I feel guilty and upset too. I hate that it's come to this point. I wish he could see my side without feeling attacked or betrayed. It's like there's no good outcome here. If I stay, I'm essentially screwing myself over. If I leave, he feels like I'm screwing him over.

It's a terrible situation. At the moment, we're not really talking much beyond basic necessities to run the farm each day. I'm still doing my chores and he's doing his, but there's a lot of tension. I honestly don't know what's going to happen. I have a couple of job applications out now, so I guess we'll see if anything comes through. I haven't officially quit on him, but he knows I'm close to that point. And it's heartbreaking for both of us in different ways. Comment, this truly sounds like a no-incidence.

I feel for your dad in a way, he's older, likely scared of being alone and watching the farm die, but he brought this on himself by not treating you fairly. You've been incredibly patient and giving. Choosing to pursue your own life isn't selfish, it's necessary. You gave him many chances to do the right thing. If you get a good job opportunity, you should take it with no regrets. Hopefully your dad will eventually see that his actions had consequences. In the Meantime, you need to take care of you. Op reply, I appreciate that. It is a heartbreaking scenario all around.

I do feel bad for my dad, and I know he's scared of the farm failing or being alone. But you're right, I gave him every opportunity to make this right, and he refused. I have to look out for myself now. If an outside job comes through, I will likely take it, as hard as it will be to leave. I also hope he'll understand someday, but I can't count on that. Update 4, 8 months later. A lot has happened in the past few months. The big news is, I found a new job.

About a month ago, I was offered a position managing operations for another farm about three hours away. It's a larger, commercial farm, and they were impressed by the experience I've gained running my family farm. The pay and benefits are actually solid, something I'm. I'm honestly not used to, after working basically for free for so long. I decided to accept the job. I gave my dad a full two months notice that I would be moving on. I wanted to give him as much time as possible to prepare, since my departure is obviously a huge change. When I told him I was definitely leaving, he, well, he kind of flipped out. This was a different reaction than the earlier anger, this time he was panicking. He begged me to stay, said we could work

something out. He even finally offered to revise his will again, this time he said he'd split the farm between my brother and me 50 to 50 if that would convince me not to go. I did not agree to that, for several reasons. I calmly explained to him that splitting the farm ownership isn't a real solution. If I owned half and my brother owned half, my brother could still force a sale of the entire property or sell his share to someone else, like a developer, which would in effect ruin the farm I asked my dad to think about how that scenario would play out, and I think that really made him pause. For the first time, I saw a dawn on him that his compromise idea wouldn't actually protect the farm. I think that's when it truly clicked for him that I'd been right about the risk all along.

He went quiet and then said he needed to talk to my brother. From what I gathered, and from what he later told me, that phone call with my brother was a real eye-opener for my dad. He straight-up asked my brother what his intentions would be if he inherited even part of the farm. Apparently, my brother basically told him, yeah, dad, I'm going to sell it. I assumed you knew that. My brother wasn't cruel or anything. But he was frank that he has neither the time nor desire to maintain a farm and that the money from selling it would be more useful to his family. I'm not sure if my dad fully understood that until he heard it directly from my brother just now. Their conversation got pretty heated, at least from my dad's side.

I wasn't on the call, but afterward my dad was visibly upset. I heard him ranting a bit, saying things like he couldn't believe we just give up our family's land for cash. I think he was directing that frustration at the situation and maybe at himself, because what did he expect? He's now realizing that his plan would have led exactly to the outcome he didn't want. At this point, my dad is scrambling. He knows I'm leaving in a few weeks.

The clock is ticking on my notice period. He started trying to hire help to replace all the work I do. And unsurprisingly, it's not easy. For one, skilled farm labor or a manager costs money, way more money than he ever had to pay me, since I was working for free except for room slash board. He actually said to me the other day, in a defeated way, I had no idea it would be this expensive to find someone to do what you do.

Yeah. No kidding. I feel bad for him, I really do. He's an old man dealing with the possibility of losing both his kid, me moving out, and the farm's viability at the same time. My contributions weren't just what family does, they had real economic value, and now he sees that clearly because he has to pay someone else. The farm's finances are already stretched thin, and hiring workers or a farm manager is going to eat into whatever slim margins we have. I don't know how long he'll be able to keep things going without me. As of now, I'm packing up my things and preparing to move out in a few weeks to start my new job. My dad and I are on slightly better terms than after that big blow-up in Update 3.

I think he's too exhausted and worried to keep fighting with me, and he's sort of resigned to the fact that I'm leaving. He hasn't explicitly said it, but I think deep down he realizes why this is happening and that he's largely responsible for it. There's a sad understanding between us now. To answer the question everyone's been asking from the start, no, at this point I don't think I'm the asshole in this situation. And I don't think my dad or brother set out to hurt me either, but their actions did hurt me,

and now we're all dealing with the fallout. It's a crappy, complicated situation with no real winners. I'll be moving on and doing what's right for me. My dad will have to figure out how to manage or manage or possibly consider selling the farm in the future if it becomes too much, that part is up to him now. I'm sad that this is how things ended. Thank you to everyone who followed along and offered advice. This was a rough ride, but I'm hopeful that better things are ahead, at least for me.