Reddit Stories - Half a year FOLLOWING my FATHER'S cerebral INFARCTION, my mother appeared to be

Episode Date: November 10, 2025

#redditstories #askreddit #aita #family #health #relationships #support #recoverySummary: Half a year following my father's cerebral infarction, my mother appeared to be adjusting well to the new normal, balancing caregiving responsibilities with self-care and seeking support from family and friends.Tags: redditstories, askreddit, reddit, aita, tifu, familycare, healthjourney, caregiverlife, supportsystem, recoveryprocess, familylove, mentalhealthsupport, caregivingchallenges, familybond, healthupdate, relationshipgoals, familystruggles, healthawareness, familydynamics, emotionalwellbeingBecome a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/reddit-stories--6237355/support.

I hope you enjoy this story. Half a year following my father's cerebral infarction, my mother appeared to be managing adequately until she confessed that she has felt lifeless within for two decades and desires to relocate him to a care establishment. So she can live her best life. My dad had a stroke six months ago on a Wednesday morning while he was making coffee. Mom found him on the kitchen floor around 7 a.m. when she came downstairs. The paramedic said it was lucky she found him so quickly.

quickly because it could have been much worse. The stroke affected the left side of his brain. He can walk but needs a walker for anything longer than going to the bathroom. His right arm is weaker than it used to be so he struggles with buttons, zippers, and opening jars. His speech is mostly clear but he gets tired talking for long periods and sometimes loses words in the middle of sentences. He forgets to take his blood pressure medication unless someone reminds him. He can shower but need someone nearby in case he falls. The physical therapist comes twice a week and says Dad's doing well for someone his age. The occupational therapist taught him techniques for dressing and cooking simple meals. Dad tries really hard during these

sessions. He practices walking up and down the hallway with his walker every morning. He does his arm exercises while watching the news. But by afternoon he's exhausted and needs to nap for a couple hours. Before the stroke, my parents seemed solid. They'd been married 44 years this December. They had their routine, coffee together every morning. Dad would read the paper while Mom did crossword puzzles. They'd watched Jeopardy every night and argue about the answers. They went to Florida every winter for two months and stayed in the same condo complex where they'd made friends over the years. Dad worked as a mechanic until he retired at 65. Mom was a second at the school district until she retired at 62. When dad first came home from the hospital,

Mom stepped up like I expected she would. She learned how to help him shower safely, figured out which foods were easiest for him to manage, drove him to all his appointments. She rearranged their bedroom so his walker could fit next to the bed. She moved his favorite chair closer to the TV so he didn't have to walk as far. She even learned how to operate the new shower chair and grab bars the occupational therapist recommended. For the first few months, Mom seemed like she was handling everything fine. She complained a little about having to drive everywhere since Dad can't drive anymore, but that seemed normal. She mentioned being tired more often, but caring for someone is exhausting work. When I asked if she needed help,

she'd say she was managing okay. Last Wednesday everything changed. I came over for dinner like I do every week and Mom was acting strange. She barely spoke during the meal. Dad was telling me about his physical therapy progress and Mom just sat there pushing food around on her plate. After Dad went to lie down for his evening rest, Mom asked me to stay and talk. She said she's done being Dad's caregiver. Not taking a break, not getting more help, completely done. She wants dad in a care facility and she's already called three places to ask about availability and costs. She said she's not spending what might be her last healthy years being a full-time nurse. I asked what brought this on so suddenly. She said it wasn't sudden, she'd been thinking

about it for weeks. She's booked a trip to Italy with her sister Linda for next month. Three weeks in Tuscany, something she's always wanted to do. She also mentioned looking at smaller condos closer to downtown so she can walk to restaurants and shops instead of being stuck in their suburban house. My brother Mark lives two hours away with his wife Jenny. When I called him that night to tell him what Mom said, he couldn't believe it. We both remembered how Mom took care of her own mother when Grandma had dementia. Mom never complained about the extra work or talked about putting Grandma in a facility. She moved Grandma into their guest room and cared for her until she died four years ago. Dad seems completely confused by Mom's sudden change. He keeps asking what

he did wrong. I even watched him struggling to button his shirt and when Mom walked by without helping, he asked if she was mad at him about something. She just said no and kept walking to the laundry room, so I helped him instead. The thing that bothers me most is how Mom looks at Dad now. Before the stroke, she'd smile when he walked into a room or laugh at his terrible jokes. Now when he needs help reaching something or takes a long time walking to the bathroom, she gets this expression like she's watching something unpleasant. Not frustrated or tired, disgusted. I told Mom I could help more with Dad's care.

I work full-time as an office manager, but I could come over on weekends to give her breaks. I suggested hiring a home health aide for a few hours during the week so she could go shopping or visit friends. I even offered to pay for it since I know they're on a fixed income. now. Mom said that's not what she wants. She doesn't want to manage dad's care schedule or supervise other people helping him. She wants complete freedom to come and go as she pleases without thinking about whether someone needs help getting dressed or remembering to take pills. She said she's 67 years old and she deserves to enjoy her retirement instead of being tied down to someone who requires

constant attention. When I pointed out that dad doesn't require constant attention, just help with certain tasks. She said I didn't understand how exhausting it is to live with someone who can't do basic things anymore. She's talking about Dad like he's some burden she never agreed to take on. She mentioned that marriage vows say in sickness and in health, but she didn't think it would actually happen to her. She said she thought they'd both stay healthy until they died peacefully in their sleep like her parents did. Dad has been asking me if I think Mom still loves him. He noticed she doesn't sit next to him on the couch anymore when they watch TV. She used to hold his hand during movies but now she sits in the chair across the room.

When he tries to tell her about something funny he saw on the news, she responds with one-word answers while scrolling through her phone. I don't know what to tell Dad because honestly, I'm not sure Mom does love him anymore. The way she talks about him has changed. She used to refer to we and us when discussing their plans or opinions. Now it's all I want and I'm going too. It's like she's already mentally divorced from him. Is this normal caregiver burnout that will pass with some support and respite care?

Or has something fundamental shifted in their relationship that can't be fixed? I'm terrified that if mom goes through with this plan, it'll destroy dad emotionally on top of everything else he's dealing with from the stroke. Update 1, posted four days later. I thought if we all sat down together like adults, we could figure out a solution that worked for everyone. Everyone in the comments advised that I should at least have a conversation with the entire family. But I guess I was completely wrong about that. Mark drove down Saturday morning with Jenny.

Jenny is five months pregnant with their first baby and she's been having some morning sickness issues, but she wanted to come support Mark through this family crisis. We all gathered in my parents living room at 2 p.m. after Dad finished his nap. Dad was sitting in his recliner wearing the blue sweater mom bought him for Christmas last year. He looked nervous and kept asking if he was in trouble for something. Mom sat on the couch with her arms crossed like she was preparing for an argument. Mark and Jenny sat on the love seat, and I pulled over a chair from the dining room. I started by explaining that we wanted to discuss Dad's care needs and make sure everyone was

on the same page about the best way forward. I said we all loved Dad and wanted him to be safe and comfortable while also making sure mom wasn't overwhelmed by caregiving responsibilities. Before I could even finish my opening statement, Mom cut me off. She said we were all missing the point. She doesn't want to modify dad's care or get additional help or take breaks. She wants out of the caregiving role entirely. She wants dad somewhere else so she can live independently. Mark asked why she felt this way so suddenly. Mom said it wasn't sudden at all. She said she'd been unhappy. She said she'd been for a long time, but the stroke made everything worse because now she feels trapped in a marriage

she doesn't want to be in anymore. That's when she dropped the bomb that changed everything. She looked directly at Dad and said, I've been dead inside for 20 years. Dad's face turned pale and his hand started shaking. Mark asked Mom what the hell she meant by that. Mom said she fell out of love with Dad years ago but stayed in the marriage because it was easier than starting over. She said they'd built a comfortable life together, owned their house outright, had good health insurance, and shared friends and routines. Divorce would have meant splitting assets, finding new places to live, explaining to everyone why they were separating after so many years. Dad started crying. Not just tears, full sobbing like a child. He kept saying, but I thought we were happy.

I thought you loved our life together. We had good times, didn't we? Remember our trips to Florida? Remember when we danced at Mark's wedding? Mom just sat there watching him cry with no expression on her face. She said yes, they had some good times, but that didn't mean she was happy overall. She said she'd been going through the motions for years, pretending to enjoy things she actually found boring or annoying. Mark lost his temper.

He called Mom a selfish bitch for dropping this revelation on Dad when he was already dealing with recovery from a major medical event. He said even if she'd been unhappy, the timing of this announcement was cruel and unnecessary. Mom shot back that she's not required to sacrifice the rest of her life to take care of someone she doesn't want to be married to anymore. She said she's done pretending to be the devoted wife when she feels nothing but resentment toward dad. She said looking at him now, needing help with basic tasks, just makes her angry instead of sympathetic. The fight escalated from there. Jenny started crying, which set off her morning sickness and she had to run to the bathroom.

Mark followed her, leaving me alone with my parents. Dad was still sobbing, asking Mom why she stopped loving him and when it happened. I asked Mom how she could say such horrible things to someone she'd shared a bed with for 44 years. She said sharing a bed doesn't mean sharing feelings, and she was tired of pretending her feelings were different than they actually were. Then Mom said something that made me realize this situation was even worse than I thought. She admitted she's been looking for divorce lawyers along with care facilities. She said she's planning to file for divorce while Dad is in a care facility so she doesn't have to deal with the emotional drama of him living in the same house during the

process. Dad heard this and started asking if he could just try harder to get better. He promised to work extra hard in physical therapy and try not to need so much help with things. He said he'd do whatever mom wanted if she would just not leave him. Seeing my 69-year-old father beg his wife not to abandon him was heartbreaking. Mom said dad's level of recovery wasn't the issue. She said even if he made a full recovery tomorrow, she still wouldn't want to be married to him anymore. The stroke just made her realize she couldn't keep pretending indefinitely. Mark came back from helping Jenny and heard that last part. He got in Mom's face and said she was destroying Dad at the worst possible time in his life.

Mom said Dad would be fine once he adjusted to his new living situation and realized he could make friends and have activities at a care facility. The argument got loud enough that our neighbors next door came over to check if everything was okay. Mark told her our family was having a private discussion and basically slammed the door in her face. Jenny was still feeling sick and asked Mark to take her home. They left without hugging anyone goodbye or making plans to talk again soon. After Mark and Jenny left, I tried to have a conversation with Mom. I asked if she would consider couples counseling to work through these feelings, or maybe taking a trial separation instead of jumping straight to divorce and institutionalization. Mom said she'd already made up her

mind and nothing was going to change it. She's going to Italy in three weeks regardless of dad's situation. She's moving forward with the condo purchase and the divorce filing. She said dad could either cooperate with the transition or make it harder on himself, but the outcome would be the same either way. I helped Dad get ready for bed that night because Mom went to her bedroom and closed the door. Dad couldn't stop crying. He kept asking me to explain why Mom doesn't love me anymore like he was a confused child instead of a grown man. He asked if there was something he could do to make her happy again. I didn't know how to answer because I honestly don't think there's anything Dad could do to change Mom's mind at this point. She seems completely detached from

him emotionally. I stayed the night on their couch because I was afraid to leave Dad alone with Mom. I woke up around 3 a.m. and heard Dad crying in the guest room. Mom was snoring peacefully like nothing had happened. The Italy trip is still three weeks away. Mom made it crystal clear she's going no matter what arrangements get made for dad's care. That means I have three weeks to find a solution for a situation I never imagined having to handle. I called my boss this morning to explain I might need to take some time off to deal with a family crisis. I also called Mark to apologize for the disaster yesterday turned into. He said Jenny cried the whole drive home because she couldn't believe Mom would be so heartless to Dad. I don't know if I'm angry or at

mom for lying about her feelings for 20 years, or for choosing to reveal the truth at the worst possible moment in dad's life. Update 2, posted 10 days later. Everything completely fell apart yesterday and I'm typing this because I can't sleep and need to get this all written down before I lose my mind. Mom spent Tuesday looking at condos across town. She had appointments with three different real estate agents and was gone from 9 a.m. until 6 p.m. This left dad alone for 7 hours. which goes directly against what the doctor said after a stroke. Dad is supposed to have someone check on him every few hours in case he falls or forgets his medication.

I didn't know Mom had left Dad alone all day until my neighbor called me at work around 5 p.m. She said she heard yelling from my parents' house and wondered if everything was okay. I called Dad's cell phone but he didn't answer. I called the house phone and it went to voicemail. I tried calling Mom but her phone went straight to voice-mail. voicemail too. I was in the middle of a client presentation when my neighbor called back.

She said she used her spare key, we had given her in case of emergencies, to get into my parents' house and found Dad on the bathroom floor. He'd been there for at least two hours based on what he told her. He tried to get to the bathroom by himself, lost his balance, and couldn't get back up. Out neighbor is 74 years old herself and couldn't lift Dad, so she called an ambulance. She stayed with him until the parent, paramedics arrived, holding his hand and telling him everything would be okay. Dad kept apologizing to her for causing trouble and asking where mom was. I told my boss I had a family emergency and left immediately.

The drive to the hospital took 45 minutes in traffic and I called Mark on the way to fill him in. He said he'd leave work early and meet me at the ER. Dad was conscious and talking when I got there, but he looked shaken up. He had rode rash on his right arm from trying to catch him. himself when he fell. His ribs were bruised from landing hard on the bathroom floor. The ER doctor said X-rays showed no broken bones, which was lucky considering his age and the blood thinners he takes. Dad kept apologizing to everyone, the nurses, the doctor, me. He said he was sorry for being trouble and he didn't mean to worry anyone. He asked about ten times where

mom was and if someone had called her. Each time I said we were trying to reach her, his face would fall a little more. Mom finally showed up around 7 p.m., an hour after I called her for the fourth time. She didn't rush in looking worried or scared. She was carrying shopping bags from stores and talking on her phone with someone about putting a deposit down on one of the condos she'd seen. Dad's whole face lit up when Mom walked in. He tried to reach for her hand and said he was sorry for falling and causing problems. He promised he'd be more careful and wouldn't try to go to the bathroom alone anymore. Mom barely touched his fingers before pulling her hand away and asking the nurse how long dad would need to stay. The doctor came in to discuss Dad's discharge plan and that's when

things got really bad. The doctor explained that Dad's fall was a wake-up call about his safety living at home. He said Dad needs 24-hour supervision now, not just someone checking on him periodically. He recommended either live in care or a monitored living situation where help is always available. Mom interrupted the doctor in the middle of his explanation to answer her phone. It was her real estate agent calling about the condo deposit deadline. Mom stepped into the hallway to discuss financing options and closing dates while the doctor I lost my temper. When Mom came back into the room still talking about square footage and appliance upgrades, I told her she was being a heartless bitch.

Dad was lying in a hospital bed after falling and being stuck on the floor for hours, and she was worried about whether the condo had granite countertops. Mom screamed back that she died the day me and brother were born and she's already mentally divorced from Dad. She said she's not responsible for managing his medical care anymore because she's done being his caretaker. Then she said the absolute worst thing possible. She hopes Dad dies before she gets back from Italy

so she doesn't have to deal with arranging long-term care for him. Dad was lying right there listening to this whole conversation. He heard his wife of 44 years say she hoped he would die for her convenience. His face went completely blank and he stopped trying to talk to any of us. He just stared at the ceiling like he was somewhere else entirely. Mark showed up about an hour later. Jenny stayed home because she was having a bad pregnancy day with nausea and fatigue, but she sent her love and said she was praying for Dad.

Mark took one look at Dad's expression and asked what had happened. When I told him what Mom said, he lost it completely. Mark got in Mom's face right there in the hospital corridor. He called her a monster and said she was destroying Dad when he was most vulnerable. Mom said Dad was manipulating everyone with his helpless act and his fall was probably on purpose to get attention and make her feel guilty about the Italy trip. Their argument got loud enough that other patients started complaining. Hospital security came to break it up and threatened to escort both of them out of the building

if they couldn't control themselves. Mom left without visiting Dad again or discussing his discharge plan with the medical staff. Dad wouldn't speak for the rest of the evening. When nurses asked if he was in pain or needed anything, he just stared straight ahead. When I tried to talk to him about what the doctor had recommended, he acted like he couldn't hear me.

The nurse said sometimes stroke patients have delayed emotional reactions to trauma, and watching your spouse wish for your death definitely qualifies as traumatic. The discharge planner said I needed to make arrangements for Dad's care before he could leave the hospital. I called three home care agencies but the earliest anyone could start is next week, and even then it's just for a few hours a day. The rates for 24-hour care are $300 to $400 per day, which is way more than Dad's insurance covers. I called the Adult Day Care Center where Mom had looked into programs for Dad. They said they can't accept clients who are recent fall risks without a full medical

evaluation and clearance from his doctor. That process could take weeks. My boss called while I was dealing with discharge planning. She said missing the client presentation was problematic, and taking any more unscheduled time off could affect my job security. I explained the family emergency situation, but she said I need to find a way to balance my work responsibilities with personal issues. Mark's wife Jenny is being supportive from a distance, but she made it clear they can't help with hands-on care for dad. She's having complications with her pregnancy and needs to rest as much as possible.

Mark feels torn between helping his father and taking care of his pregnant wife. Insurance is being a complete nightmare. Dad's Medicare covers some skilled nursing care but not the kind of 24-hour supervision he needs now. The supplemental insurance mom bought us all kinds of restrictions and waiting periods. The social worker at the hospital gave me a stack of forms

to fill out for various assistance programs, but everything has waiting lists or requirements Dad doesn't meet. Mom texted me at midnight asking me to handle Dad's situation while she's in Italy. She said she's already arranged for someone to take care of their cat and water the plants, so Dad is the only loose end that needs to be tied up. She also said Dad's fall was probably intentional to make her feel guilty about pursuing her own happiness. I'm supposed to pick dad up from the hospital this morning and I still don't have a solid plan for his care. I can't take him to his house because mom won't be there to help. I can't take him to my apartment because it's not set up for someone with mobility issues. The temporary care facilities all have

waiting lists or costs I can't afford. I'm running on three hours of sleep and too much coffee. I keep thinking there has to be some solution I'm missing, but I've called every resource the hospital gave me and I'm running out of options. I have no idea how I'm going to manage this alone. Update 3, posted three weeks later. Mom actually went to Italy. She left last Tuesday morning while dad was sitting in a temporary respite care facility that costs $400 per day. I had to place him there because I couldn't find any other option that would take him immediately.

The respite facility is designed for short-term stays while families arrange permanent care. It's clean and the staff is professional, but it's clearly instant. institutional. Dad's room has a hospital bed, a small TV, and one chair. Dad has gotten significantly worse since the incident at the hospital three weeks ago. He barely eats anymore. The staff says he picks at his meals and leaves most of his food untouched. He sleeps 12 to 14 hours a day, which isn't normal even for someone recovering from a stroke. When he's awake, he just sits in his chair staring out the window or at the TV without really watching anything. The most concerning change is that Dad has stopped talking unless someone asks him a direct question. Before the

stroke, Dad was chatty. He'd tell long stories about his work as a mechanic, joke around with cashiers at the grocery store, call me just a chat about the weather or what he saw on the news. Now when I visit, I have to carry the entire conversation. The facility's medical director says Dad is showing classic signs of giving up. She's seen it before with elderly patients who experience sudden major life changes or emotional trauma. She said Dad's physical health is stable, but his mental state is affecting his appetite, sleep patterns, and motivation to participate in activities. Five days after Mom left for Italy, Dad had another stroke. It happened at 3am on a Sunday morning. The facility staff found him during their routine checks and called

an ambulance. This stroke was smaller than his first one, but the doctor thinks it might have been stress-induced. The combination of the fall, mom's abandonment, and the upheaval of being placed in care created the perfect conditions for his body to break down further. The second stroke affected Dad's speech more than the first one. His words are more slurred now and he has trouble finding the right phrases for what he wants to say. He also has more difficulty remembering conversations from day to day. Yesterday he asked me three times if I knew when Mom was coming back from her trip. When Dad is lucid enough to understand the situation, he asks for Mom constantly. He doesn't understand why she left or why she isn't visiting him.

I've tried explaining that she's traveling, but he gets confused about why she would travel without him when he's sick. On his better days, he asks me to call her so he can hear her voice. I did call mom once away from Dad while she was in Rome. She answered and sounded annoyed that I was interrupting her dinner. When I told her dad had another stroke, she was quiet for about 10 seconds. Then she asked if he was going to die, and when I said probably not immediately, she said she couldn't do anything about it from Italy anyway. She told me to handle whatever needed handling and hung up.

I've been taking unpaid leave from work for two weeks now. My boss wasn't happy about the sudden change but agreed to let me use accumulated sick time and vacation days. The problem is that I'm burning through my savings fast. His care costs $400 per day and his insurance only covers about 60% of that. I'm paying $160 per day out of pocket, plus my own living expenses. I even had a panic attack in the grocery store. I was standing in the checkout line behind a woman buying ingredients for what looked like a big family dinner. She was talking to her teenage son about whether they needed anything else for dinner with the grandparents. I started crying right there in line because it reminded me of how our family

used to be before everything fell apart. I sat in my car in the parking lot afterward thinking about just driving away. Getting on the highway and driving until I ran out of gas, then figuring out how to start over somewhere far away from all this responsibility and heartbreak. The only thing that stopped me was knowing Dad would be alone with no one to visit him or advocate for his care. Mark has been helpful with phone calls and research, but he can't handle seeing Dad in his current condition. He visited once since Dad had the second stroke. He said seeing Dad so diminished and confused was too painful. Mark's wife Jenny had some bleeding early in her pregnancy and is on bed rest now, so Mark is focused on taking care of her. The permanent care facility I wanted Dad and

has a one-month waiting list. The places with immediate openings are either way too expensive or have terrible reviews online. I toured one facility last week that had a smell in the hallways that made me gag, a combination of disinfectant and something rotting. Another place had residents just sitting in wheelchairs facing a TV that was playing infomercials for kitchen gadgets. No one was interacting with the residents or leading any activities. I've started having alcohol with lunch just to get through the daily phone calls with insurance companies, social workers, and medical staff. Not enough to get drunk, just enough to take the edge off the constant anxiety about money and making decisions I'm not qualified to make. The alcohol

helps me stay calm when insurance representatives put me on hold for 45 minutes or tell me dad doesn't qualify for services he obviously needs. Mom has extended her trip twice. She was supposed to come back last Thursday but decided to visit her sister Linda's friend in Florence for another week. Then she extended again to spend time on the Italian Riviera because it's so peaceful and beautiful. Her Instagram is full of photos of herself at outdoor cafes and scenic overlooks with captions about finally living for myself. The postcards mom sends to Dad are generic tourist cards with messages like having a wonderful time. The weather is beautiful here. and wish you were here.

Dad keeps them carefully organized on his nightstand and reads them over and over. He shows them to the nursing staff and tells them his wife is having a nice vacation and will be back soon to take care of him. I'm running out of options fast. The respite facility wants Dad out by Friday because they need the bed for other short-term clients. I found a place that might work long-term, but it costs $6,000 per month and dad's insurance only covers about half of that. Even if I sell something of mine to help cover the costs, I'm not sure how long I could sustain

paying $3,000 per month plus my own living expenses. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only person in this family who actually gives a damn about what happens to dad. Mom is posting photos from Italian beaches while her husband of 44 years recovers from his second stroke alone in a facility. Mark avoids visiting because it's too depressing. Jenny is focused on her pregnancy. I'm the only one dealing with the daily reality of Dad's decline and the impossible logistics

of arranging care he can afford. Posted six weeks later. Mom came back from Italy three days ago looking like she'd spend a month at a spa. She has a tan, new clothes. She didn't visit Dad immediately after getting back. Instead, she went straight to her new condo to get it set up with the furniture she'd ordered while she was traveling. I found out Mom was back from our neighbor, who saw the moving truck at Dad's house. The neighbor mentioned it when I stopped by the old house to pick up some of Dad's clothes and medications. She said Mom had movers there for two days getting her personal things. Dad had his second stroke while Mom was touring Italian vineyards. He's now in a skilled nursing facility called Sunset Manor that costs $8,000 per

month. He needs help eating because the second stroke affected his swallowing reflexes. He can't walk without a staff member holding onto him because his balance is worse. He has trouble recognizing people on his bad days, but on good days he remembers that mom is supposed to be his wife and asks when she's coming to visit. The facility is actually quite nice. Dad has a semi-private room with a view of a garden. The staff is attentive and patient with residents who need extra help. They have activities like bingo and music therapy, though dad doesn't participate in much.

His roommate is an 85-year-old man named Frank who talks non-stop about his military service and keeps Dad entertained on days when Dad is alert enough to listen. Getting Mom to visit Dad required threats. I told her I would call adult protective services and report her for spouse abandonment if she didn't see him within 48 hours. She finally showed up yesterday afternoon and stayed exactly 22 minutes. I know because I timed it. Dad's face transformed when Mom walked into his room.

His eyes lit up and he tried to sit straighter in his wheelchair. He reached for her hand and started telling her about the postcards she'd sent and how nice everyone at the facility was. He said he'd been worried about her traveling alone and was so glad she was back safely. Mom sat stiffly in the visitor chair answering emails on her phone while Dad talked. She responded to his comments with a hum and that's nice without looking up from her screen. When Dad asked if she was ready to take him home now that she was back from vacation, Mom said she was living nearby.

Dad doesn't understand why Mom seems like a stranger to him now. He keeps asking the nursing staff why his wife doesn't hug him anymore or why she only visits for short periods. The staff tries to be encouraging and says sometimes it takes time for families to adjust to major changes, but I can see in their faces that they think Mom's behavior is abnormal. Mark's marriage has been falling apart during this. whole crisis. Jenny told him she'd leave him if he kept obsessing over our parent's situation instead of focusing on preparing for their baby. She said dealing with family drama was

causing her stress that could affect the pregnancy. Mark has been avoiding any discussions about dad's care or mom's behavior since then. When I call Mark to update him on dad's condition or ask his opinion about medical decisions, he gives me short answers and changes the subject quickly. Last week when I asked if he wanted to visit Dad together over the weekend, Mark said he was too busy painting the nursery and couldn't spare the time. I've been on antidepressants for a while now. My primary care doctor said caregiver stress can trigger clinical depression even in people with no prior history of mental health issues. I wake up every morning with a nod in my stomach thinking about all the forms I need to fill out, calls I need to make, and decisions I need to

research about dad's care. The worst part is that I'm making all these decisions alone. Mom has legally removed herself from dad's medical care decisions by filing for divorce and requesting that I be designated as his health care proxy. Mark doesn't want to be involved in day-to-day decisions because it's too stressful for his family situation. The nursing facility is good, but it's not home. Dad keeps asking when he can go back to his house and work. He doesn't understand that Mom sold the house while he was having his second stroke. Mom also mentioned while we were signing paperwork at the facility that she's planning another trip. She's going to have time to Greece with her sister Linda, scheduled for next

month. She said she's finally living the retirement she always dreamed about and she's not going to waste any more time feeling guilty about things she can't control. When I asked Mom how she could go on vacation again so soon after Dad had another stroke, she said, medical condition isn't her responsibility anymore since she's divorcing him. She said I seemed to have his care well organized and there was nothing she could do by staying that would change his prognosis. I've been looking at job postings in other states, Portland, Seattle, Denver, anywhere far enough away that I wouldn't accidentally run into mom or hear updates about her social life. After Dad's situation is resolved one way or another, I want to start

completely over somewhere nobody knows my family history. The financial stress is getting worse. Dad's care costs are eating through his savings and my emergency fund. I had to put $4,000 on my credit card last month to cover the gap between what insurance pays and what the facility charges. I'm looking at possibly having to sell my car to keep dad in decent care, which would mean moving back in with roommates at 41 years old. Mom's divorce attorney contacted me about dividing assets. Apparently mom wants to keep the proceeds from selling the family house, her retirement accounts, and the newer car. She's willing to let Dad keep his older pickup truck in half of their checking account,

which amounts to about $8,000. The attorney said this is generous considering Dad's medical expenses will likely consume any assets he retains anyway. The most infuriating part is how Mom talks about Dad now. She refers to him as your father when talking to me, like he's not her husband of 44 years. She mentions his situation and his condition like he's a distant relative she barely knows. When people ask her how Dad is doing, she says he's being well cared for and changes the subject quickly. Meanwhile, Dad sits in his wheelchair at Sunset Manor asking every visitor if they know

when his wife is coming back from her vacation. The staff has started telling him gently that his wife is busy right now because saying she's divorcing him would be too cruel to repeat every day as his memory resets. Update 5, posted eight weeks later. Dad's health declined rapidly after Mom's last visit. Within two weeks of seeing her act like a distant acquaintance instead of his wife of 44 years, Dad stopped participating in physical therapy. He refused to get out of bed for activities. The facility staff said he was failing to thrive, which is apparently medical terminology for giving up on living. The staff adjusted Dad's medications and order tests to rule out infections or other medical causes for his sudden decline.

Everything came back normal. She said sometimes elderly patients simply lose the will to continue fighting when they experience severe emotional trauma combined with major life changes. Dad's body was shutting down because his spirit was broken. Three weeks ago, Dad had a third stroke. This one was different from the first two. It affected his ability to swallow safely, which meant he needed a feeding two. to prevent aspiration pneumonia.

The stroke also impacted his cognitive function more severely. Some days he doesn't recognize me at all. Other days he thinks I'm a nurse or a volunteer visitor. The medical team at the hospital explained that Dad's brain had suffered too much damage to recover meaningful function. His body was still working, but the person he used to be was essentially gone. They recommended transitioning him to hospice care focused on comfort rather than aggressive treatment. treatment. Moving dad to hospice was the hardest decision I've ever made. The hospice facility is peaceful and the staff specializes in end-of-life care, but signing those papers felt like giving

up on him. The social worker assured me that hospice doesn't mean abandoning hope. It means prioritizing dad's comfort and dignity during whatever time he has left. Dad's hospice room has a big window overlooking a garden with bird feeders. When he's awake and alert on his good days, he'll squeeze my hand when I hold it. On his bad days, he stares at the ceiling without acknowledging that anyone is in the room with him. The hardest part is that when Dad does have lucid moments, he still asks for Mom. Sometimes he remembers that she left and starts crying. Other times he thinks she's just running errands and will be back soon with groceries. I've stopped correcting him when he's confused about Mom's whereabouts because what's the point of making his final days more

painful with the truth? The hospice medical director said Dad's condition could stabilize for months or change rapidly within days. There's no way to predict the timeline, but his body is gradually shutting down. His appetite is completely gone now. He sleeps 18 to 20 hours per day. His breathing has become more labored and irregular. Mom visited Dad exactly once since he moved to hospice care. I practically had to drag her there, and she stayed 15 minutes. Dad was having one of his better days and recognized her immediately. His whole face lit up when she walked in. But she ignored him the whole day and left. I followed Mom to the parking lot and asked how she could be so cold to someone she'd lived with for 44 years. She said Dad made his choices in life

and now she was making hers. When I pointed out that getting a stroke wasn't a choice Dad made, she said staying married to him for years when she was unhappy was a choice she made, and now she was choosing differently. Mark has been visiting Dad more frequently since the hospice admission. I think the reality of the situation finally penetrated through his avoidance and denial. He sits with Dad for an hour or two at a time, talking about work, the weather, memories kids, anything except the obvious fact that we're watching our friends.

father die. Jenny came with Mark last week, despite being seven months pregnant and having trouble with her back. She held dad's hand and told him she was naming the baby David after him if it's a boy. Dad smiled, the first real smile I'd seen from him in weeks. He whispered that he hoped he'd get to meet his grandson. The hospice social worker asked about funeral arrangements. Mom said she wants something simple and inexpensive, basic cremation, maybe a small memorial service at the funeral home. She mentioned that she's leaving for Greece the day after whatever service gets planned, regardless of the timing, because she's not canceling her trip for funeral logistics. Mom said Dad wouldn't want her to interrupt her plans for his funeral, which is probably

true because Dad spent 44 years trying to make Mom happy and accommodate her preferences. But saying it out loud while he's dying miles away in hospice care demonstrates a level of selfishness I didn't know was possible. I've started making my own plans for after Dad dies. I found a job in Portland that pays well and offers good benefits. I'm planning to sell my apartment and move across the country within two months of dad's funeral. People keep asking if there's anything they can do to help or if I need support during this difficult time. The honest answer is that I need my father to not be dying alone while his wife plans Mediterranean cruises. But nobody can help with that. I need my mother to show some basic human decency toward the man

who loved her for 44 years, but that's apparently impossible too. Mark asked if I want him to try talking to Mom about visiting Dad more often before it's too late. I told him not to bother. Mom has made her position clear, and nothing Mark or I say is going to suddenly give her a conscience or make her capable of empathy. Update 6, posted two months later. Hi there again, Dad died died on a Tuesday morning in October while I was holding his hand. It happened quietly around 8 a.m. while the morning shift nurses were doing their rounds. One minute he was breathing slowly but steadily, and the next minute he simply stopped. The hospice staff said it was peaceful, which is the only comfort I can take from any of this. Mark was there too. He'd driven

down the night before because the hospice staff called to say Dad's condition was deteriorating rapidly. We spent Dad's last night taking turns sitting with him, playing music from his era, and telling him stories about good memories from when we were kids and the family was still intact. Mom was not there when Dad died. I called her Monday night to say the hospice staff thought Dad might not make it through said there was nothing she could do to change the situation so she saw no point in disrupting her schedule. When I called Mom at 8.30 a.m. to tell her dad had passed away. She was quiet for about 15 seconds. Then she asked about funeral arrangements and whether she needed to cancel her travel plans. I told her the funeral home could accommodate a service

on Thursday, which would give her one day between the burial and her flight to Athens. The funeral was exactly what you'd expect from this whole nightmare situation. The funeral crowd, generic flower arrangements, moms sitting in the front row checking her watch every ten minutes. The funeral director had to remind people twice to turn off their cell phones during the service. About 30 people came, some of Dad's former co-workers, a few neighbors, our neighbor and her husband, Mark's wife Jenny despite being eight months pregnant, and some distant relatives I hadn't seen in years. The reception after the burial was held at Mark's house because Mom said she was too busy packing for Greece to host it at her new condo.

About 20 people came back for sandwiches and coffee. Mom left after 30 minutes, saying she still needed to finish laundry and confirm her travel arrangements. That's when I completely lost it. I told Mom in front of everyone that she was a selfish bitch who destroyed Dad's last year of life for her own convenience. I said she'd abandoned him when he needed her most and then couldn't even be bothered to stay for his entire funeral reception. Mom responded that I was being dramatic and emotional. She said Dad's stroke wasn't her fault, and she'd done everything reasonably expected of a spouse during a medical crisis. She said she'd arranged for dad's care and made sure he was in a good facility when he needed long-term care. Jenny actually

stood up for me, which was surprising given how she'd avoided family drama throughout this whole situation. She told Mom that abandoning a spouse during a major medical crisis was unforgivable regardless of personal feelings about the marriage. She said even if Mom had been unhappy for years, the timing and manner of her departure was cruel. Mom said young people don't understand how exhausting it becomes to maintain a marriage over decades when your feelings have changed. She said 44 years is a long time to pretend you're happy, and dad's stroke just made her realize she couldn't keep pretending indefinitely. Mark's father-in-law, who barely knows our family, said he'd been married 38 years and couldn't imagine walking

away from his wife if she became sick or disabled. He said marriage vows specifically mention in sickness and in health because everyone knows that health problems are part of life as you get older. Mom said marriage vows are idealistic promises people make when they're young and don't understand what decades of daily life actually entail. She said she'd fulfilled her obligations as a wife and mother, and now she deserved to pursue her own happiness without being judged by people who hadn't lived her life. The argument got uncomfortable enough that people started leaving early. Mom went home to finish packing without saying goodbye to most of the guests. Mark walked her to her car and had a brief private conversation that he won't discuss with me.

Mom left for Greece as planned. I moved to Portland six weeks after Dad's funeral. My new job started in November and I'm renting a small apartment in a neighborhood where I can walk to coffee shops and bookstores. I don't talk about my family much because the whole story sounds too insane to be believable. Most people can't imagine a wife and mother just walking away from her family the way mom did. When I mentioned that my father died recently, people offer condolences and ask about my mother. I usually say she's doing fine and changed the subject because explaining the real situation takes too much emotional energy.

Mark and I talk on the phone every few weeks, but we don't discuss mom unless necessary. He's focused on taking care of his baby boy who was born a few weeks ago. Jenny is doing well as well and they've decided to name the boy David Michael after dad. Mark said they want their son to know about his grandfather's kindness and work ethic. I changed my phone number before moving and didn't give the new one to mom. Mark said she asked for it once when she needed me to sign some paperwork related to dads but she didn't seem particularly concerned when he said I preferred no contact for now. She could have divorced dad 10 to 15 years ago when he was healthy and able to rebuild his social life,

maybe even find someone new who appreciated him. Instead, she waited until he'd had a stroke and needed care, then abandoned him at the moment he was most dependent on her support and love. That level of cruelty isn't something you get over or rationalize away. Dad died thinking the woman he'd loved had stopped caring about him for reasons he couldn't understand. He spent his final months confused and heartbroken instead of feeling secure in their shared history and partnership.

I'm doing okay in Portland. I go to therapy twice a month to process everything that happened. But I know I'll never trust marriage or long-term relationships the same way again. Watching someone promised to love and honor another person for 44 years, then abandon them the moment that love becomes inconvenient, changes how you think about commitment and loyalty. Thanks Reddit for sticking it out with me even though I never expected it to end like this. Miss My Dad.