Reddit Stories - Mom CONTINUOUSLY referred to my spouse using my former PARTNER'S name THROUGHOUT our

Episode Date: November 5, 2025

#redditstories #askreddit #aita #relationships #family #conflict #communication #boundariesSummary: Mom continuously referred to my spouse using my former partner's name throughout our interactions, causing tension and discomfort. I struggled to address this issue without hurting her feelings, but ultimately had to have a difficult conversation to set clear boundaries.Tags: redditstories, askreddit, reddit, aita, tifu, relationships, family, conflict, communication, boundaries, mother, spouse, partner, name, discomfort, tension, conversation, feelings, boundaries, difficultBecome a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/reddit-stories--6237355/support.

I hope you enjoy this story. Mom continuously referred to my spouse using my former partner's name throughout our special anniversary meal, only for me to discover that she had been covertly messaging him for an extended period in an attempt to sabotage our marital bond. So he cut off her monthly medical support. I, 30F, have been married to my husband, John, 32M, for three years. Before John, I was in a long-term relationship with an ex, Mike, 33M. who cheated on me, which is why I ended things with him about four years ago. My mother, however,

never really let go of my ex. She absolutely adored Mike and was very upset when we broke up. She even tried to talk me out of leaving him despite his infidelity. My mom has had a hard time accepting John as my husband, even though John has been nothing but respectful and generous to her. For context, my mother is in her mid-60s and has some health issues. About a year and a half ago, she was diagnosed with a chronic illness that requires expensive treatment and medications. She's on a limited income and was struggling to pay for her care. John, being the generous man he is, offered to help cover some of her medical costs. Since early last year, he has been paying roughly $2,000 a month toward her medical bills. This has been a huge help to my mom, and frankly

without it, I'm not sure how she would have managed. John never complained about helping her, He saw it as supporting my family, and we both felt it was the right thing to do at the time. Fast forward to last week. John and I were celebrating our third wedding anniversary. We had planned a nice dinner out at a restaurant. My mother lives alone and doesn't get out much due to her health, and she had been dropping hints about wanting to celebrate with us. Feeling a bit guilty and wanting to include her, I invited her to join us for an anniversary

dinner. It was maybe an unusual choice for an anniversary, but I thought a low-key family dinner might be nice, and John was okay with it. We also invited my younger brother, 28M, and his girlfriend, but they couldn't make it, so it ended up just being my mom, John, and me at dinner. The evening started fine. However, not long into the meal, my mom accidentally called John by my ex-Mike's name. The first time, John politely corrected her, it's John, not Mike. I gave her a look, but she just laughed it off and said, oh, you know me, I'm so forgetful. I was a bit annoyed but let it go. Then it happened again, she directly addressed him as Mike while asking him to pass the bread. This time I said, Mom, his name is John. She responded

with a casual, oh, right, John. Sorry, sweetie, just a slip of the tongue. John was quietly stewing at this point, but he still stayed polite. I thought that would be the end of it, but I was wrong. She did it yet again, a third time, when the waiter asked if we wanted dessert. My mother said, Mike, do you think we should get the tiramisu to share? John stiffened and before he could say anything, I interjected firmly, his name is John. Why do you keep saying Mike? Instead of apologizing, my mom sighed and said something along the lines of, well, Mike was practically like a son to me. You know I still sometimes think of him that way. She then looked at John and actually said, no offense, but you remind me of him. It was an incredibly

awkward moment. My husband, to his credit, didn't explode or make a scene. He very calmly said, I think I've lost my appetite. I'll wait for you in the car, and he got up and walked out. I didn't know what else to do but end the dinner immediately. I told my mom that what she said was hurtful and out of line, and that we were leaving. She started to protest, I didn't mean it like that. You're overreacting, but I wasn't having it. I paid for the meal, cut her off mid-excused with We'll talk later, and left. On the drive home, John was silent at first.

I apologized for my mother's behavior. He finally said, I'm not angry at you, but I'm done with this. I refuse to be disrespected like that. That's when he told me he would no longer pay my mother's medical bills. He said something like, if she thinks Mike is so wonderful, she can ask him for help. I'm not giving her another dime. I didn't try to talk him out of it. Honestly, I completely understand why he feels that way.

I was, and am, furious with my mom for how she treated him. The thing is, my mom's treatment is expensive and and she really does rely on that $2,000 from us each month. Without it, she's going to be in a tough spot financially. I do feel Abbott guilty because I know this will have serious consequences for her health if she can't afford her medications or some of her therapy sessions. My mom does not have a lot of savings and her insurance doesn't cover everything. But like she brought this on herself.

John has been incredibly kind to her, going above and beyond what any son-in-law should have to do, and she couldn't show him a basic level of respect during what was supposed to be a special night for us. As of now, John has already stopped the automatic payment that was set up for my mom's bills. He's serious about this. I haven't told my mom yet that the money is being cut off. She will find out soon enough when the next bill is due in a week or so. I honestly dread that conversation. Knowing her, she will call me as soon as she realizes and throw a fit,

or accused John and me of abandoning her. She's probably going to say I'm choosing my husband over her or that I'm ungrateful. We haven't spoken since that disastrous dinner aside from a short text exchange where I told her how inappropriate and hurtful her behavior was. She replied with something like, I was just joking, you two are so sensitive nowadays, which did not feel like an apology at all. I'm very upset and torn. I feel what my mom did was completely disrespectful and out of line.

and I fully support my husband's decision to pull back financial support. We work hard for our money and I believe respect is a two-way street. If my mother can't respect my husband, or me, honestly, then it's hard to keep sacrificing to support her. But I know cutting off that money will hurt her. Am I the asshole for backing my husband and cutting off the money we've been giving my mom for her medical bills after she repeatedly disrespected him in our marriage? Comment one, wow, your mom's behavior

is absolutely outrageous. She called your husband by your ex's name three times in one dinner and then basically said she thinks of your ex as a son? That is unbelievably disrespectful. Your poor husband must have been humiliated. Honestly, he's a saint for helping her at all after the way she acted. I don't blame him one bit for wanting to cut her off financially. She was totally biting the hand that feeds her.

Definitely, NTA. Your mom needed a wake-up called. that she can't treat people like that." Op reply, it really was outrageous and humiliating for us. My husband has been so generous to my mom and she couldn't even show him basic respect during a special night. To clarify, this wasn't completely out of the blue, my mom has always held my ex up on a pedestal. She's made little comments before comparing John to my ex, like, Mike used to do X for me or

Mike was so good at Y. We always found it uncomfortable, but we tried to bring up to my ex. rush it off or gently ask her to stop. This dinner was the worst it's ever been, though. Update 1. First, I want to thank everyone for the support and responses on my original post. I read a lot of the comments to my husband as well, and he appreciated the support too. It's been about a week since the anniversary dinner incident, and unfortunately things have gotten even more upsetting. A couple days after my original post, my husband John finally revealed something to me that he had been keeping to himself for a while. My mother has been secretly

texting him for months, and the content of those messages is pretty sad. He showed me his text messages with my mom. I was shocked and horrified. Basically, since shortly after we got married, and especially once he started handling her medical bill payments, my mother has been sending him unsolicited messages comparing him to my ex-mic and telling him he's not good enough. There were dozens of texts over the past several months. Some were kind of backhanded like, Mike would have visited me by now, you know. He used to drop by just to say hi, or it was so nice when Mike fixed things around the house for me, he was so handy.

Others were more direct and cruel. In one message she straight up told John, you try, but you'll never be the man Mike is. In another, she said, I think, Op, was happier back when she was with Mike. Reading those words from my own mother made my blood boil. I had no idea she had been essentially harassing my husband behind my back like this. I asked John why he never told me until now. He admitted that he didn't want to upset me or cause a rift between me and my mom earlier. He said he mostly ignored her texts or responded very neutrally.

For example, when she would praise my ex or compare them, he'd just not engage or he'd reply with something short like I'm doing my best. or sometimes he just wouldn't respond at all. He was hoping she would stop on her own if he didn't give her any fuel. He also said he knew it would hurt me to see those messages and he wanted to protect me from that while I was already stressed with my mom's health situation. I felt so bad that he'd been enduring this in silence for months. The worst part is that these texts show that my mom is still very much in contact with my ex.

She would mention things like, Mike got a big promotion at work, he's really doing well, or I ran into Mike's mother at the store. Such a lovely woman, they invited me to a family barbecue next week. My mom has apparently been attending my ex's family events. I had suspected she kept in touch with him, but I didn't know it was to this extent. In one message, from a couple of months ago, after my mom had asked for some extra money for a new medication, she literally told my husband, maybe, op, should ask Mike for help instead. He'd take care of her and me without complaining.

The audacity of suggesting that I go to my cheating ex, who is now married to someone else, by the way, to ask him for money, instead of my own husband who's been due to flee helping her. I have no words. At this point, I was livid and heartbroken. I can't believe my mother would go behind my back and try to undermine my marriage like this. It really does seem like she's trying to sabotage my relationship with John and push me back towards Mike, which is just insane to me. Mike and I have been over for years, and I have zero interest in anything to do with him. It blows my mind that my mom would rather cozy up to the

guy who cheated on her daughter than support the man who's been here for me and for her. After I found all this out, I did call my mom. It was not a pleasant conversation. I was shaking with anger and I confronted her about the messages. I asked her how she could do this, and told her I saw everything she's been sending to my husband. At first she tried to deny it, I don't know what you're talking about, you must be misinterpreting things. When I quoted some of the exact things she said, she switched to making excuses like, I was only texting him those things to motivate him to be a better husband to you, which is the most ridiculous justification. I told her she was way out of line and that she's grossly disrespecting me and my marriage. She then got defensive and

said I shouldn't be spying on her conversations, with my own husband, no less. She also said something along the lines of, well, I can't talk to you about these things because you get so sensitive, so I was trying to talk sense into him privately. I just lost it at that point and yelled that she had no right, and that she's only driving us further away. The call ended with me telling her that she'd better stop this behavior immediately, and her telling me I'm being dramatic. So, that's where we are now. My husband has completely cut off communication with my mom. He blocked her number after showing me the texts. As for the financial side, he's absolutely sticking to his decision not to pay her bills anymore. After seeing those

messages, I 100% support him. Actually, I feel he was way too patient to have endured that for months. I haven't officially informed my mother that she's on her own financially now, but I'm pretty sure she's noticed that the payment didn't come on the first of the month. So far, she hasn't reached out to me about the missing money, probably because she knows I'm furious with her from our phone call. I'm bracing myself for that fight, because it's only a matter of time before she demands to know why we suddenly stop the payments, even though it should be obvious why. frankly, after reading her texts, I feel less guilty than I did before. She really was biting the hand that feeds her.

Anyway, I wish I had a more positive update, but that's what's happened. My trust in my mom is pretty much shattered at this point. I don't know where we go from here. I'm still extremely angry and haven't been able to bring myself to speak to her again since that phone blow up. My husband, thankfully, has been very understanding and just keeps reminds. me that none of this is my fault. We are both just kind of processing this new betrayal. I'll update again if anything major happens. For now, I'm just taking a breather and figuring out

what to do next about my mom. Comment one, this is beyond messed up. Your mom was basically waging a secret campaign against your husband and your marriage. It's like she's actively trying to break you two up or something. I'm so sorry you and your husband had to deal with that. I think you're absolutely right that she was trying to sabotage things to push you back toward your ex, which is bonkers given he cheated on you. Honestly, going low or no contact with her sounds completely justified at this point. She doesn't respect you or your marriage at all. Op reply, I still can't fully wrap my head around it.

My mom has always been overly attached to my ex, but I never imagined she would go this far. You're right, it's bonkers. Mike cheated on me and is married to someone else now, there's no reality in which he and I would get back together. My husband pointed out that it seems my mom is living in some fantasy where Mike is the golden boy who can do no wrong. I haven't gone fully no contact with her yet, but right now I'm definitely not speaking to her until I cool down and figure out what boundaries to set. My trust is pretty much broken. My brother knows what's going on now too, he's equally shocked and disgusted by her behavior. He told me he had a feeling mom never got over my ex, but he didn't know

she was actively doing all this behind the scenes. So at least I have his support as well. Going forward, I agree that some serious low contact, at minimum, is going to be necessary. I just can't see myself interacting normally with her after this. Update 2. I honestly wish I didn't have more drama to report, but here I am. Two weeks have passed since the original incident, and about one week since my last update. After discovering all those texts and confronting my mother over the phone, I took a bit of time before speaking to her again. I needed to calm down and also gather more information,

because some new revelations came up. Remember how in my last update I suspected my mom was attending events with my ex's family? Well, that was confirmed. A family friend, from my previous marriage, mentioned seeing my mom at my ex's sister's baby shower recently. So yes, my mother has indeed been regularly socializing with my ex's family behind my back. I decided to confront my mom in person. My younger brother came with me for support, and a witness, honestly. We went to mom's house a few days ago to have a very frank discussion. As soon as we arrived, my mom looked a bit nervous, like she knew she was in trouble.

We told her we needed to talk. I started by laying it all out. I said I knew she had been meeting up with and attending events with my ex and his family, and I knew she had been bad-mouthing my husband and trying to undermine my marriage. At first, she tried the usual deflections. Oh, you're making too much of that. They invited me as a friend, that's all. She claimed she only occasionally sees them and it's no big deal. I didn't let it drop.

I told her it was extremely inappropriate and hurtful that she would rather spend time with the family of the man who cheated on her daughter than respect her actual son-in-law. Things really blew up when I pressed her on the bigger issue, whether she has been intentionally trying to sabotage my marriage. I directly asked, are you trying to break up me and John, so I'll go back to Mike? Because that's what it feels like you're doing. My mom initially gaslit me by saying,

You're crazy for even thinking that. Of course I want you to be happy. I kept pushing, giving specific examples, the comments at our anniversary dinner, the nasty text to my husband, her staying close with my ex's family. My brother chimed in two, saying that it really seemed like she never let go of the idea of me and Mike. Eventually, my mom snapped and her true feelings poured out. She yelled something like, fine, you want the truth? Yes, I don't think John is right for you. You should have never left Mike. You too belonged together and everyone could see it but you.

Even though I expected this, hearing it out loud was stunning. She ranted that my marriage never felt right to her, that I threw Mike away over one mistake and that I'd regret marrying my husband. Essentially she was justifying Mike's cheating and insisting I should have worked it out with him. Hearing her bash my husband and defend my ex so fervently was surreal. She even outright admitted she'd been trying to keep the door open for me and Mike. In her twisted view, she was nudging things because she thought I'd realized that I'd realize

my marriage was wrong and be happier with Mike. I told her this was delusional, I'm happy with my husband, and what she's doing is only causing harm. My brother asked what she expected to happen, and that's when Mom let slip that she had even told Mike's wife that I'm still in love with him and that marrying my husband was a mistake. I lost it at that point. For the record, I have absolutely zero feelings for my ex. For her to lie to his wife like that is beyond malicious. She is literally willing to risk wrecking his marriage to pursue her fantasy. I feel awful for Mike's wife, who was dragged into this. At that point, I was done.

I told my mother that she had crossed every line imaginable. I said she is risking not only my marriage but also causing chaos in other people's lives, my ex and his wife, with her lies. She started crying and yelling about how she's only doing it because she loves me and that I'm being ungrateful and brainwashed by my husband. I told her the only person who seems to be brainwashed here is her. She's built up this perfect image of my ex that has nothing to do with reality. My husband, my brother, and I all tried to get through to her,

but she was hysterical at that point, claiming we were ganging up on her. She accused me of choosing a man over, my own mother and said I'm cruel to abandon her when she's sick. It devolved into a screaming match for a bit, until I just went cold and sick. said, enough. You either need to get it through your head that I'm not getting back with Mike and stop this insanity, or you won't be in my life at all. Those are your choices. My mom kind of scoffed at that and said, you don't mean that. I'm your mother. I responded, I absolutely mean it. I told her she owes everyone involved a huge apology, to my husband for disrespecting

him, to me for interfering in my life, and even to my ex and his wife for spreading lies. She refused and got very quiet and sullen at that point, just shaking her head. My brother and I left because it was clear nothing more could be resolved in that moment. We were both just exhausted and emotionally wrecked. Since that confrontation, I haven't initiated any contact with my mom. Neither has my brother, as far as I know. She did send me one text a couple days after we met, but it wasn't an apology or anything coherent. It was basically a guilt-trip message. I can't believe how you spoke to your poor mother. I hope you're happy, I haven't been able to

sleep or eat since you yelled at me. I have not replied. At this point, I am strongly inclined to cut her off, at least for the foreseeable future. She's shown zero remorse and even doubled down on thinking she's right. My husband is hurt but supportive of whatever I decide regarding my mom. He says he hates what she's doing, but he's mostly worried about how it's affecting me. My siblings, my brother, and I also filled in our sister who lives out of state, are all on the same page that our mother has gone way overboard. We're considering a sort of family intervention with her, basically all of us sitting down and laying out some serious boundaries and consequences. Honestly, after the last blow-up I'm not even sure she'll listen to reason,

but we feel we should give it one formal attempt to get through to her. If that doesn't work, I think no contact might be our only option. I love my mom, or at least I love the mom I thought I had, but right now I have zero trust in her and very little empathy given how far she's taken this. Update 3, this will likely be my final update. A lot has happened in the past couple of weeks, and we have reached a resolution of sorts. First, my ex's wife did end up contacting me, about a week after my last update. She got my number from someone and sent me several screenshots of messages my mother had sent her.

In those messages, my mom was essentially telling her that I was unhappy in my marriage and still held a torch for my ex, which is completely false. I was mortified. I immediately replied to my ex's wife, apologizing on behalf of my mother and assuring her that none of it was true. Thankfully, my ex's wife was very kind and understanding. She said she had a feeling, though, those claims were coming only from my mom, but it still made her uncomfortable, understandably. I made it crystal clear that I have no feelings for my ex and no intention of ever interfering in their lives. We had a good conversation, and by the end she said she believed me and appreciated me clarifying things. My ex also reached out to me shortly after, I suspect after talking

with his wife. He apologized for not stopping things sooner as he believed he was helping a poor old woman with health conditions feel happy by having her join his family functions and stuff. Apparently she had been pestering him too, and he admitted he should have firmly cut contact with her earlier. He told me he definitively informed my mom to leave him and his family alone and has now blocked her number. He also apologized for any part he played in encouraging my mom. He said he would sometimes politely reply to her texts out of respect, but he now realizes that gave her the wrong idea. It was a cordial conversation, and We wished each other well.

I felt a sense of closure knowing that even my ex was disturbed by my mom's actions and has now severed ties with her. Now, on to the final confrontation with my mom. My siblings and I went through with the family intervention we were planning. We all sat down with her, in person, about a week ago. We laid out our conditions and boundaries very clearly. The main points were, she must stop all contact with my ex and his family entirely, she must cease any negative talk about my husband or our marriage, and she needed to acknowledge

that what she's done is extremely hurtful. We also stated that without these changes and a sincere apology to those she wronged, we would no longer have her in our lives, and she could no longer expect any support, financial or otherwise, from me or my siblings. Well, it didn't go well. My mother refused to accept our terms. She became very angry and defensive, saying things like, you can't tell me who I can talk to, and accusing us of ganging up on her again. When we reiterated that this was the only way we'd continue a relationship with her, she basically told us we were being cruel and that she won't apologize for trying to save me from a mistake. That pretty much answered it for us.

We all got up and calmly told her that since she can't agree, we will be going no contact. She started yelling as we left, but there was nothing more to discuss. So as of now, my siblings and I, and our respective partners, are no contact with my mother. We have informed her in writing, via email, of our decision as well, just to have it in record form and to make it clear this is intentional, not an emotional bluff. We also made sure she has information for some local social services slash financial aid programs, because with us withdrawing support, we don't want her to be completely adrift for her medical needs. The stress and drama she was causing had become unbearable.

It's a heartbreaking outcome, but I feel it's the right one. My husband fully supports the no-contact decision and says he wants nothing to do with my mom unless she gets serious help and shows genuine remorse. I feel the same. I don't know if my mom will ever come to terms with what she's done, but the door is closed unless she makes a miraculous turnaround. In the meantime, I'm focusing on my marriage and our own happiness, free of my mother's toxicity.