Reddit Stories - My child ENTIRELY DISCONNECTED from me after my former spouse turned her AGAINST

Episode Date: November 4, 2025

#redditstories #askreddit #aita #relationships #family #parenting #divorce #communicationSummary: My child entirely disconnected from me after my former spouse turned her against. It's a heartbreaking situation that has left me feeling lost and confused. I'm struggling to understand how to rebuild our relationship and navigate this difficult dynamic.Tags: redditstories, askreddit, reddit, aita, tifu, relationships, family, parenting, divorce, communication, disconnected, former spouse, estrangement, heartbreak, rebuilding, dynamic, challenges, emotional, support, guidanceBecome a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/reddit-stories--6237355/support.

I hope you enjoy this story. My child entirely disconnected for me after my former spouse turned her against me, then I found out my ex had been covertly blocking all my messages and presents for months, causing a rift. My daughter think I abandoned and neglected her. I, 45M, have a 17-year-old daughter with my ex-wife. We divorced three years ago, and it was a pretty bitter split. My ex-wife has primary custody of our daughter, and I have visit. I've always paid my child support on time and even more when needed.

Since she was born, I had been putting money aside for her college fund. As of now, I've saved around $80,000 specifically to pay for her education, and I always told her I would take care of her college expenses. A few months ago, out of nowhere, my daughter told me she wants to live with her mom full time. After that, she stopped coming to my place on weekends or during school breaks. She essentially cut off visiting me entirely. It felt sudden to me. Before that, she used to visit me regularly per our custody arrangement. We'd have dinner, hang out, do the usual father-daughter stuff. Then one day she just refused to come over. We didn't have a big fight or anything immediately before this change. I was confused and hurt by her decision.

Around that same time, I started hearing through her friends and Abbott from my own family that my ex-wife was telling my daughter the divorce was entirely my fault. I'm not sure what exactly my ex told her, but apparently she's been painting me as the sole villain who ruined the family. Whatever the specifics, my daughter now seems to believe the divorce was entirely my fault and that I'm the bad guy. Ever since she moved in with her mom full time, my communication with my daughter has been sparse and strained. I'd try calling or texting, and I'd mostly get one-word replies or no

response at all. When I finally managed to talk to her about her plans for college, this was maybe a month or two after she stopped visiting, she was very cold to me. I brought up that I had money saved for her education and asked if she'd thought about where she wants to go. She basically told me she wasn't interested in discussing it and that she'd figure it out herself. That was it. She didn't want to talk about college or accept any help from me. That conversation left me feeling devastated. It wasn't just what she said, but how she said it, like she didn't care, like I was just some outsider offering her money.

We used to be closer. Now she was acting like she wanted nothing from me, not even my support for her future. I told her I was still willing to pay for any college she chose, like I'd always promised. She just repeated that she didn't want my help and would manage on her own, and then she basically ended the call. I feel like my ex-wife has poisoned my daughter against me and now, no matter what I do, I'm the bad guy in her eyes. It's a terrible feeling. I also can't shake the feeling that I'm being used or played here. I've spent years saving this money for her college, and I've been paying a lot in child support, which presumably goes toward her needs. But now she's

She won't even speak to me or see me. It's like I only exist as a wallet, and even then my daughter is rejecting the money just to spite me, or because of pride instilled by her mother. I sometimes wonder if I should just keep that $80,000 for myself, maybe for my retirement or for something else. I haven't mentioned this yet, but I started dating someone about a year after the divorce, and I'm in a serious relationship now. My girlfriend is expecting our baby.

I suspect that news may have upset my daughter, maybe she feels like I'm replacing her or starting a new family. That isn't true, I love my daughter and she's irreplaceable, but I can see how it might look from her perspective, especially if my ex was putting ideas in her head. Anyway, here I am with a college fund saved up and a daughter who won't talk to me and says she doesn't want my help. I'm really hurt by how things have turned out. I always thought I was doing right by her, but now she's basically shut me out completely. I'm considering just keeping that money for my own use or maybe for my new child's future, instead of paying for a daughter who has made it clear she doesn't want me involved.

However, I did promise to pay for her education, and I've always taken that promise seriously, even if our relationship is bad right now. I truly want to do right by her future. I also realize a lot of this situation might be the result of my ex's influence rather than my daughter's own feelings, so I hesitate to punish her by taking away something I promised her. I honestly don't know what to do at this point. This whole situation hurts a lot. Would I be the asshole if I decided not to pay for my daughter's college after all this?

I'm feeling like every attempt I make to stay in her life or help her is being rejected, and maybe I should just take the hint. Update 1. Thank you to everyone who responded to my post. Many of you urged me to try to repair my relationship with my daughter before making a final decision about the college fund, so that's what I tried to focus on. Over the past couple of weeks, I tried to take some steps. The main thing I attempted was to arrange family counseling. I reached out to my ex-wife about the idea of doing a few sessions with a therapist, me, our daughter, and maybe the ex as well, or even separate sessions just for me and my daughter. My ex flat out refused. She said our daughter had no interest in sitting down with me and that I should stop trying to force things. I hadn't even gotten to ask my daughter directly yet, since she's still not really speaking to me, so I was relying on my ex to pass along the message. According to my ex, our daughter wanted no part of therapy and I needed to respect that. I didn't want to take my ex's word for it, so I tried asking my

daughter myself. I texted her saying I thought it might help if we could talk with a counselor, even just a couple of sessions to work on what's going on between us. After a long delay, she replied that she isn't interested and that I should stop asking. That response heard a lot, but I told her I'd respect her decision. I let her know that if she ever changes her mind about counseling, I'd be ready, then I left it at that. During this time, I also tried to reiterate to her, via text, that I love her and I'm here for her no matter what. I mentioned again that the college offer still stands if she wants it, emphasizing that my goal isn't to buy her forgiveness or anything.

It's simply what I always plan to do. She didn't respond to those messages. The few times I communicated with my ex-wife about all this, it just turned into arguments. In one phone call, she accused me of trying to buy our daughter's affection and said my daughter doesn't want my guilt money. That conversation devolved into a shouting match and solved nothing. At this point, I feel pretty stuck.

Therapy was a no-go because my daughter refused any direct conversation with my ex turns toxic. And my daughter remains distant and shut down with me. I'm giving her space as she seems to want. All I can really do is send occasional texts to remind her I care about her. I've been doing that maybe once or twice a week, and she rarely, if ever, replies. I know she sees the messages, at least unless she's blocked me, I don't think she has. My text show is delivered. But it's radio silence from her side.

I haven't made any moves with the college fund money. It's still sitting untouched in the account I set up. Honestly, I'm leaning more and more toward the mindset that she may never talk to me, and I'm coming to terms with that. Right now I'm just trying to focus on what I can control, preparing for the baby on the way, and keeping myself steady through all this. The door is open for my daughter if she ever wants to talk

or even try counseling, but I can't force anything. It hurts a lot, but I have to respect her boundaries for now. Update 2. It's been about another month, and a few noteworthy things have happened. First, I discovered something that infuriated, me but also gave me a shred of hope. My ex-wife has been intercepting some of my attempts to contact my daughter. Specifically, I found out that the letters and gifts I mailed to my daughter never actually reached her. For context, over the last several months I had tried different ways

to communicate, given that my daughter rarely responded to my texts or calls. I wrote her a couple of old-fashioned letters, pouring my heart out, since sometimes it's easier to say things on paper. I also mailed her a birthday card with a handwritten note and a gift card, and I sent a few small gifts for special occasions, for example, a necklace for her last birthday and some books I thought she'd like. I noticed I never heard anything back about any of these. Initially, I assumed that she just didn't want to acknowledge them. It hurt, but I figured maybe she was too angry to say, thank you or respond. Well, I recently learned that my daughter never actually received many of those items. The way it came out was kind of roundabout. My daughter's 17th birthday was a couple months ago.

I wasn't invited to whatever celebration she had, I wasn't even told if there was a party, so I mailed her a card and a gift. Inside the card I wrote a note expressing that I loved her, that I'm proud of her, and that I wished we could be closer. I also included. I also included a $200 gift card to her favorite clothing store, and I sent a small physical gift, a silver necklace with her birthstone. I had it all delivered to my ex-wife's house, where my daughter lives, with tracking, which showed it was dropped off at their front door. After a couple of weeks with no word for my daughter, I grew concerned that maybe the gift had upset her or that something was wrong. I asked my own mother, my daughter's grandma, if she'd heard from my daughter around her

birthday. My mom had spoken to her to wish her happy birthday, so I asked if my daughter mentioned the gift I sent. According to my mom, when she asked, my daughter said, what present? That obviously raised a red flag. Long story short, my mother ended up telling my daughter what I had sent, the card, the card, the necklace. Apparently my daughter was confused and said she hadn't received anything from me. That's when it clicked for both of us that something was very wrong. A couple of weeks ago, I had a friend of mine help me with a little experiment. This friend's teenage son goes to the same high school as my daughter. I wrote another letter to my daughter and gave it to my friend's son to hand-deliver at school. In that letter, I mentioned that I had sent a few things

before and was sad I never heard back. I just said I hope she got them and that I was thinking of her. My friend's kid passed the sealed letter to my daughter one morning before classes. That evening, I got a text from my daughter for the first time in a long while. She asked if I had really sent her a letter with a gift card and a necklace. I told her that yes, I had, and then I asked if she ever received them. She replied that no, she hadn't received any of that, that the only thing she got was the letter that was hand-delivered at school. Later that night she texted again, saying, I believe you, and said that she had my number blocked for some reason, basically saying she didn't do it. I can only assume what happened on her

end after what I had told. My guess is that she confronted her mom about it. Sure enough, the next day I got a furious phone call from my ex-wife, accusing me of going behind her back to undermine her and turn our daughter against her. She was livid that I had someone deliver a letter at school. I responded that I resorted to that because it seemed like my other communications weren't getting through. When I brought up the missing birthday package, my ex tried to play dumb at first, if you sent something, I have no idea what happened to it. Maybe it got lost in the mail or someone stole it from the porch. I told her that was funny, because the tracking showed it was delivered. She then got defensive and said I was making her out to be the bad guy. So yes,

It appears my ex has been actively intercepting or disposing of my letters and gifts to our daughter for months. This discovery infuriates me, because it's one thing for my daughter to ignore me, but it's another for my ex to actively prevent her from even knowing I tried. That feels like a huge betrayal and basically sabotage of my relationship with my daughter. It crosses the line into outright parental alienation territory. I'm furious at my ex's actions, but at least now I have to. have an explanation for why my daughter might have believed I abandoned her. She possibly thought I didn't care enough to call or remember her birthday or make any effort beyond a few texts, when in reality I was trying and my ex was meddling. Realizing this gives me a bit of hope

that my daughter's coldness was based on missing information and misinformation, not purely her own feelings. I now have proof, via common sense and a confirmation from my daughter, that I did attempt to stay in touch and that my ex interfered. I haven't had a chance to fully discuss this with my daughter yet. After the brief texts where we figured out what happened, she went quiet again. I'm not sure what's going on at her home at the moment. Possibly a huge fight between her and her mom, or maybe my daughter just needs time to process the fact that her mom lied to her. I'm trying to be patient.

I did send my daughter another message saying I'm here whenever she wants to talk, and that I love her. No response yet, but at least now she knows I try to reach out and that I care. I'll update again when there's more to report. I'm really hoping my daughter will come around and want to have a real conversation after all this. Update 3. A lot has happened since the revelation about the intercepted letters. It took about a week, but my daughter finally reached out and agreed to talk. She texted me asking if we could chat, and we ended up having a phone call.

over an hour. For the first time in a long while, we really talked. It was emotional but also very honest between us. My daughter told me she did confront her mom about the hidden letters and gifts. She said my ex eventually admitted to setting aside the things I'd sent, trying to justify it by claiming she was protecting my daughter for my supposed manipulation. That led to a huge argument between them. And my daughter was so upset she went to stay at a friend's house. for a couple of nights. During our call, I mostly listened and let my daughter say everything on her mind. She cried at points, and I'll admit I got choked up hearing her so upset.

She said she felt very conflicted and confused. She was angry at her mom for lying and keeping us apart. But she also said she had some sympathy because she knows her mom has been miserable since the divorce and probably acted out of her own hurt and bitterness. I assured my daughter that none of this was her fault and that her mom's feelings and actions are not her responsibility. We also talked about what led up to this situation from her perspective. Over the past couple of years, she had been hearing a very one-sided story about the divorce.

Basically, whenever I wasn't around, my ex would drop comments suggesting I was untrustworthy or that I broke up the family. For example, when I started dating my girlfriend, about a year after the divorce, her mom told her that I probably had that woman lined up the whole time and that's why I abandoned the family. None of that is true, I did not meet my girlfriend until well after the marriage was over, but my daughter admitted that hearing those things made her believe I was cheating on her mom before the marriage ended. When I eventually introduced my daughter to my girlfriend, after we've been dating about six months, my daughter told me she was already predisposed to dislike her because of what she'd been told. She admitted she had been rude to my girlfriend when they first met, and that she feels bad about it now. At the time, she truly believed my girlfriend was the reason I left our family. In her words, I thought she was the reason you left us.

I clarified to my daughter that I never left her. I might have left the marriage, but I would never abandon my child. I explained that my relationship with my girlfriend had nothing to do with why the marriage ended. I apologized for any timeline confusion that made it look like I moved on too fast. I also apologized that she was introduced to my girlfriend at a time when she clearly was not ready to accept that I was dating. In hindsight, maybe I should have waited longer or talked to my daughter more beforehand, but I genuinely didn't realize her mom was feeding her those narratives. My daughter said she understands that now.

At the time, though, she was 15 and really upset, and she pretty much took it out on me by withdrawing more and more. She then talked about how things got worse when my girlfriend moved in with me, about a year ago, and then when she learned that my girlfriend is pregnant. She admitted that when she heard about the pregnancy, she found out from her mom, since I hadn't gotten the chance to tell her myself due to the distance between us, she felt a mix of hurt and anger. She said it seemed like a confirmation of everything her mom had been saying, that I had a new family on the way and wouldn't need her anymore.

Hearing that broke my heart. I made it as clear as I possibly could that this was never my intention. I told her she will always be my daughter and I will always want to need her in my life. I also acknowledged that from her point of view, I probably did seem very caught up in my new relationship and maybe I didn't reach out as much as I could have at certain times. We also touched on the college topic. I explained that when I brought up the college fund back then, it wasn't to control her or by her forgiveness. I genuinely had that money saved for her and wanted her to have it.

She admitted that at the time, her mindset was heavily influenced by her mom. She'd been told that I was just trying to throw money at her out of guilt. My daughter said her mom basically told her not to trust any help for me because it would have strings attached. My daughter admitted that at the time she wasn't sure what to think of my offers, but she was so angry that she figured she'd rather not take anything from me. I tried to reassure her on all of that. I told her point-blank that the college fund has no strings attached. It's hers to use for school, period.

I said the only condition, if any, was that she actually use it for her education or something to benefit her future. I also made it clear I'm not trying to influence which school she chooses or anything like that. It's her choice, and I'd be happy as long as she's doing something positive for her future. She got pretty quiet at that part of the conversation. I could tell she felt a bit guilty or conflicted. She didn't say whether she would want to use the money or not. I didn't push her to give an answer right then. We had already waited through a lot of heavy stuff, and I didn't want the conversation to turn into a financial discussion. By the end of the call, we both said I love you and I miss you.

It was the most honest talk we've had in years. I asked if she'd be open to meeting up in person sometime soon, even just for a short visit. She said she would like that. We didn't set a specific date yet, but she told me after things constantly. down at home, she'll let me know when she's ready. She went back to her mom's house after a couple days at her friends, so she's still navigating that situation with her mom. I also gently mentioned that if she ever wants to talk to a counselor, alone or with me, I'd support her in that. I left that ball entirely in her court. She said maybe, but she wants to take things slow for now.

I told her that was completely fine and that I'm here whenever she needs me. I feel. I feel an enormous sense of relief that we finally got to talk like this. There's still a lot to work through, and I'm going to be cautious, but I'm so grateful we had this breakthrough. She even asked a little about the baby on the way, almost shyly. She said, so you're really having a baby? I told her yes, and that I would love for her to be involved as much as she wants, that her little brother or sister is not a replacement for her in any way. She sort of half laughed and said it's a lot to but she appreciated hearing me say that. I know the idea of me having another child is still sensitive for her, but I'm glad we talked

about it even a little. Where we left things, we are on speaking terms again. In fact, we've been texting a bit every few days now. It's nothing too deep. She'll share a meme or tell me something about school, and I'll respond. She still sounds a little reserved in her texts, but that's okay. I'm just happy we have a line of communication open. I'm not pushing anything.

I want to rebuild trust at a pace she's comfortable with. We tentatively plan to meet up in person soon, possibly for lunch or coffee, whenever she feels ready. Update for this will likely be my final update. It's been a few more weeks since that big heart-to-heart conversation with my daughter. Things have been relatively calm, but we've made some decisions regarding the college fund and how to move forward. Firstly, my daughter and I did meet up in person about a week ago. She came over to my place for lunch on a Saturday. It was just the two of us. We kept it pretty low-key and casual. We ate, caught up on everyday stuff, and generally tried to relax around

each other. There were a few awkward moments understandable after everything, but we eased into it. For those hours, it almost felt normal. We didn't get into any heavy topics during that meetup. I steered clear of anything that might turn into an argument or tearful discussion. Mostly we just chatted about school, her friends, plans for the summer, stuff like that. Toward the end, I did gently bring up the subject of college since the time to make decisions is coming up for her. I asked if she's thought about where she wants to go or what she wants to do after graduation. She opened up a bit and told me she's gotten acceptance letters from a couple of universities and is waiting on a few more.

I congratulated her and told her how proud I am of her. Then I asked if she had made any decisions about how to pay for it, or if she wanted to consider using the college fund I saved. I phrased it very cautiously because I didn't want her to feel pressured or like I was dangling it in front of her. I basically said that I still have the money set aside for her and I'm more than willing to put it. toward her education if that's what she wants. My daughter got quiet for a moment and then admitted that she feels weird about the whole money situation now. She said everything that happened made her question whether she even deserves it.

She also mentioned that her mom has been talking about possibly taking out loans and how they'll manage without me. I could tell my daughter is conflicted and may be a little afraid to rely on me, given how rocky things have been. I reassured her, again, that as far as I'm concerned, that as far as I'm concerned, and I'm concerned, I told her I'm not going to hold it over her or use it to control her choices. I also made sure she knows I'm proud of her for being willing to figure things out on her own, but that she shouldn't have to go into debt just because of pride or because of issues between her mom and me.

I said I'd be genuinely happy to pay her tuition and school expenses directly to the college, to keep it simple. She didn't give me an answer right then, which I expected. She said it's a lot to think about. I told her whatever she decides, I'll support her decision, and we can talk more about it whenever she wants. We left it at that for the time being. After she went home, I did a lot of thinking. While I truly want her to use that college fund for her education, I also have to prepare for the possibility that she won't accept it, at least not right now. She's going to be 18 soon and will be an adult. If our relationship continues to improve, I could always hold on to the money and let us.

her know it's available whenever she's ready to use it for school. But I also feel I need to protect myself from getting hurt or taken advantage of. The reality is I spent years mentally allotting that money for my daughter under the assumption I'd be an active part of her life moving forward. Things turned out very differently for a while. And while I hope we continue to reconcile, I have to see consistent effort from both sides to fully commit that kind of support again. After a lot of consideration, I've made a decision about the $80,000 college fund. I've decided that I will not be directly paying for my daughter's college, at least as things stand right now. Instead, I moved the majority of that money into a high-yield savings account,

and part of it into an index fund, earmarked for my new child's future education, or other needs he'll have. This wasn't an easy decision, but here's how I arrived at it. I've accepted that for now my daughter isn't comfortable accepting my help, and there's still a lot of trust to rebuild between us. I also feel I need to protect myself from getting hurt or used. I think it's fair that I redirect it to where I know it will be used and appreciated. In practical terms, I did leave a portion of the money, not all $80,000, but a decent chunk, in the original account for my daughter. If she comes around before college starts and tells me she'd like help with tuition, I will still honor that and pay what I can from that portion.

I haven't told her I reallocated anything. I don't think there's any need to share that detail. As far as she knows, the full offer still stands, and I will quietly fulfill it if she decides to accept it. However, if she continues to insist on figuring out college without me, then that money will remain with me and eventually go toward my other time. child or other family needs. I feel that's fair, all things considered. I did my best to make good on my promise, but I can't force her to take anything she doesn't want. I'm hopeful that one

day my daughter will fully come around and maybe even understand why I had to make some of these decisions. For now, we're rebuilding trust slowly. The worst of the estrangement seems to be over, but consequences remain. I can only do my best as a dad to both of my kids. I can only do my best as a dad to both of my with the circumstances I've got. Thanks for the support. It's been hard, but things are finally looking up.