Reddit Stories - My partner INSISTED on SPLITTING all EXPENSES evenly, even though he earned twice

Episode Date: July 27, 2025

#redditstories #askreddit #aita #relationships #finance #partnership #equality #moneySummary: My partner INSISTED on SPLITTING all EXPENSES evenly, even though he earned twice. It caused tension in our relationship as I felt it was unfair. We had to have a serious conversation to find a compromise that worked for both of us.Tags: redditstories, askreddit, reddit, aita, tifu, relationships, finance, partnership, equality, money, expenses, earnings, tension, compromise, communication, fairness, budgeting, financialplanning, relationshipadvice, personaldevelopmentBecome a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/reddit-stories--6237355/support.

I hope you enjoy this story. My partner insisted on splitting all expenses evenly, even though he earned twice as much as me, and closely monitored my spending when he eventually agreed to contribute more. When he asked me to marry him, he me a pre-nup that left me with nothing and called me a GLD digger when I refused to sign. I, 26F, have been with my boyfriend Elijah, 29M, for three years.

We moved and together eight months ago into a really nice apartment. Here's where the issue started. Elijah Works makes around $140,000 annually. I make $70,000. When we were apartment hunting, Elijah kept pushing for places that were at the top of my budget but well within his comfort zone. I expressed concerns about affordability, but he said we'd split everything 50 to 50 and it would be fine. I trusted him and went along with it. Our monthly expenses break down like this, rent, $3,200,000.

I pay $1,600. Utilities, around $200, I pay $100, groceries, around $600, I pay $300, I pay $300, internet slash streaming, $150, I pay $75. So I'm paying $2,075 monthly just for basic living expenses, which is about 35% of my take-home pay. I also send a bit of money back home for my parents to take care of themselves and other than that I also pay for my student loans. Elijah pays the same amount, but it's only about 18% of his take home. This leaves me with very little discretionary income while Elijah has plenty left over for savings, hobbies, vacations and eating out. The problem came to a head last month when Elijah suggested we book a weekend trip to Napa Valley. The total cost would be around

$1,500 split between us. I had to tell him I couldn't afford it because, you know, I had to tell him I couldn't afford it because I'm already stretched thin with our current expenses. He seemed genuinely surprised and said I should just budget better. This led to a larger conversation where I explained that while our arrangement is technically equal, it's not equitable given our income difference. I suggested we split expenses proportionally to our incomes instead, so I'd pay about 33% and he'd pay 67%. This would free up about $700 monthly for me, which isn't huge, but would make a real difference in my quality of life. Elijah's response was pretty firm. He said he's worked hard to get where he is and shouldn't be penalized for earning more. He thinks 50 to 50 is the most fair

arrangement and that asking him to pay more is essentially asking him to subsidize my lifestyle choices, meaning my work. He said if I wanted to afford our lifestyle, I should consider switching to a higher paying field. I tried explaining that I'm not asking him to subsidize luxury items. I'm asking for help with basic living expenses so I can occasionally do things like go out to dinner or buy new clothes when needed. I also pointed out that he was the one who pushed for this expensive apartment. He said he's not stopping me from enjoying life, but that financial independence is important to him and he doesn't want to set a precedent of being my financial provider. He suggested I could always move somewhere cheaper if our current place is too expensive for me.

Now I'm wondering if I'm being unreasonable. We're not married, so maybe I don't have a right to expect him to pay more just because he makes more. But the current situation feels unsustainable for me, and I'm starting to resent that he can easily afford our lifestyle while I'm constantly stressed about money. We haven't talked much about it since our argument three days ago, and things have been pretty tense. I'm considering looking for a cheaper place on my own,

but I'd really rather work this out because I do love him and see a future with us. So Reddit, I'd offer asking my boyfriend to contribute more to our shared expenses, based on income, or should I accept that 50 to 50 is fair regardless of our earnings difference? Comment 1. NTA. This is a huge red flag. He pushed for an expensive apartment knowing your income, then acts surprised when you can't afford extras. A true partner would want to ensure you're both comfortable, not just technically equal. The fact that he called your career a lifestyle choice is especially concerning. Ops reply, the lifestyle choice comment really stung

because I'm genuinely passionate about my work and feel like I'm making a difference. It's not like I'm just working part-time for fun. I have a master's degree and work full-time with overtime. I guess I'm starting to see that this might be about more than just money. Comment two. Did he know your salary when you were apartment hunting? And has he ever offered to cover anything when you've had to decline activity? due to cost?

Ops reply, yes, he knew my exact salary. We had discussed our finances pretty openly early in the relationship. And no, he's never offered to cover me when I can't afford something. Usually he just does the activity without me or suggests I find the money somehow. Last month he went to a concert with his friends that I couldn't afford, and when I felt a bit left out, he said I could have prioritized differently to afford the ticket. Comment 3 NTA but I think you have bigger problems than finances

His attitude suggests he sees your relationship as a business partnership rather than a romantic one The fact that he'd rather you move out than adjust the split is telling Ops reply, in the end if I move out it's going to cost him more or he will have to get a new roommate I'd give out the business partnership part because other than this we had no problems before Comment 4. Have you considered what would happen if you moved and together permanently or got married? Would he expect S-O-M wife to pay 50% of expenses? What about if you had kids and couldn't work full-time? His attitude suggests he hasn't thought through the practical realities of a long-term partnership. Ops reply, this is something that's been worrying me too. We've talked about marriage

and kids in general terms, but never the financial things. When I brought up the hypothetical of me staying home with future kids, he said we'd figure it out when the time comes but maintain that right now, we're both working full-time so 50 to 50 makes sense. Update, so I posted here about four months ago asking if I was TA for wanting my boyfriend to contribute more to household expenses based on our income difference. The overwhelming response was NTA, and many of you pointed out some red flags in his behavior that I hadn't fully recognized. After reading through all your comments and doing some thinking, I decided to have another conversation with Elijah about our finances.

I showed him some of the proportional payment calculators people had suggested and explained how the current arrangement was affecting my mental health and our relationship. To my surprise, he actually agreed to try the proportional split. He said he'd been thinking about what I said and realized he didn't want me to be stressed about money all the time. I was really hopeful that we'd turned a corner. For the past four months, we've been splitting expenses roughly 65. to 35 based on our incomes. The extra $650 per month has honestly been life-changing for me.

I've been able to start a small emergency fund, by groceries without checking my account balance first, and actually participate in activities with Elijah and our friends. But here's where things have gotten weird and honestly worse than before. Elijah has become incredibly focused on tracking where his extra money goes. He initially asked me to show him my budget so he could see how the additional money was being used. I thought this was reasonable since he was contributing more, so I showed him my monthly expenses. That's when the comments started. He began questioning purchases he deemed unnecessary. Some examples, I bought a $12 lipstick. And he said that was excessive since I already have lipstick. I get coffee twice a week on my way to work, $6 each time.

and he calculated that $624 annually that could go to savings. I bought a $45 dress for a work event, and he said I should have shopped at Target instead. I spent $30 on a birthday gift for my sister, and he suggested I should make something instead. The thing is, none of these purchases prevented me from meeting my financial obligations. I'm still contributing my 35% to all shared expenses on time. I'm building my emergency fund, and I'm not going into debt.

But according to Elijah, since he's subsidizing my lifestyle, he should have input on how I spend my extra money. It's gotten to the point where he'll check our grocery receipts and question why I bought name brand items instead of generic, or why I bought ingredients for cookies when we don't need dessert. He started commenting on every package that arrives, asking what I ordered and how much it cost. Last week, I spent $25 on a streaming service for true crime documentaries, something I really enjoy and helps me relax after work. Elijah saw the charge and said it was wasteful since we already have Netflix and Hulu. He suggested I cancel it and just find something to watch on the services we already have. When I told him I felt like he was micromanaging my spending,

he said he's just trying to help me be more financially responsible since he's contributing more to our household. He said if I want complete financial autonomy, we should go back to 50 to 50. The funny thing is that Elijah regularly spends money on things I'd consider unnecessary, $200 gaming headphones, $80 dinners with coworkers, a $300 smartwatch upgrade when his old one worked fine. When I pointed this out, he said it's different because it's his money and he can afford these things without impacting his financial goals. Elijah even suggested I switched to a different grocery store because it's more budget-friendly, even though the store he suggested is 20 minutes further from our apartment and would cost me time and gas money.

When I said the convenience of our current store is worth the slightly higher prices, he said I'm not taking our financial partnership seriously. I feel like I'm in a no-win situation. The 50-to-50 split was financially stressful and limited my quality of life. But this new arrangement comes with a level of control and judgment that's making me feel like a child asking for an allowance. I'm starting to think this isn't really about money at all, but about control. The person who suggested that in my original post might have been right. I'm not sure what to do here. Has anyone else experienced something like this? Any advice would be appreciated. I'm feeling pretty lost right now. Comment one, this is financial abuse. He's using money as a tool to control your

behavior. The proportional split was never about fairness for him, it was about gaining leverage over you. Please consider whether this is the kind of relationship you want long-term. Ops reply, I hadn't thought of it as financial abuse, but you might be right. The control aspect is what's really bothering me. He never monitored my spending when I was paying 50%, even when I was struggling. Now that he's paying more, suddenly every purchase needs his approval. It feels manipulative. Comment two, my ex-husband did this exact thing. Started with helping with finances, then became controlling every penny. It escalated to him hiding money and making me ask permission for basic necessities. Please protect yourself. Comment three, does he track and justify

his own spending to the same degree he expects from you? Also, have you considered opening a separate account that he doesn't have access to? Ops reply, no, he doesn't track his own spending at all. He has a general budget but doesn't scrutinize every purchase like he does mine. And I do have my own checking account, we never combine finances completely. But he still monitors my spending through comments and questions about everything that arrives or every charge he notices when we're together. Update 2, it's been a while a year since my last update, and I honestly don't know where to begin.

For those who missed my previous posts, my boyfriend Elijah and I had issues with financial arrangements that escalated into him micromanaging my spending after agreeing to pay proportionally based on our income difference. Things had actually gotten a bit better after my last post. I had a direct conversation with Elijah about his monitoring of my purchases, showing him some of the comments you all left. He seemed to understand that his behavior was crossing boundaries and backed off significantly. We established some ground rules about our finances, and I thought we were moving in a positive direction. Fast forward to two months ago. Elijah proposed. It wasn't a complete surprise. We'd been talking about marriage more seriously

over the past year, and I knew he'd been looking at rings. The proposal itself was lovely, he planned a weekend trip to the mountains, and I genuinely felt happy and loved in that moment. but then came the conversation about the pre-nup. Elijah said he wanted to get the business side sorted out quickly so we could focus on planning the wedding. He presented me with a document that his lawyer had drafted. I'm not exaggerating when I say my jaw dropped reading through it. The pre-up basically stated that, all assets acquired before marriage remained separate, this part seemed reasonable.

All assets acquired during marriage would be considered separate property belonging to whoever earned the money to purchase them. In case of divorce, I would have no claim to any property, including our home. Even if I contributed to household expenses or child care, I would not be entitled to any spousal support regardless of the length of marriage or circumstances of divorce. Any debt incurred by either party during marriage would be the sole responsibility of that person. The document also included provisions about me potentially becoming a stay-at-home mother. Elijah said he'd been thinking about our future and really wanted me to focus on

raising our children rather than working. The pre-nup stated that if I chose to stay home with kids, would receive a monthly allowance for personal expenses, but this would not create any claim to marital property. I was honestly stunned. I asked Elijah to explain the reasoning behind such an extreme pre-nup, especially given his expectation that I'd stop working to raise our children. His response was that he wanted to protect what he'd worked hard for and ensure that if things didn't work out, we could separate cleanly without complex property division. When I pointed out that staying home to raise children would put me at enormous financial risk if we divorced, he said that was why we needed to make sure we didn't get divorced.

He said the pre-nup would actually strengthen our marriage because we'd be together for the right reasons rather than financial security. I asked what would happen if I became disabled and couldn't work, or if he lost his job and I needed to support the family. He said those were unlikely scenarios and we'd figure it out if they happened. The more I read through the document, the more I realized it essentially treated me like an employee rather than a spouse. I would contribute labor, child care, household management, and receive compensation, the monthly allowance, but would never build any equity or security in our partnership. I told Elijah I needed time to think and wanted to have a lawyer review the document.

He seemed annoyed by this and said prenups were standard and that I was overthinking things. He suggested we just sign it so we could move forward with wedding planning. When I continued to express concerns, Elijah became defensive. He said he was offering me a comfortable life where I wouldn't have to work, and that I was being ungrateful for questioning the arrangements. He pointed out that many women would love to be stay-at-home mothers and that I was making problems where none existed. I ignored him and consulted with a family law attorney,

and she was honestly horrified by the document. She said it was one of the most one-sided prenupt she'd ever seen and strongly advised against signing it. She explained that prenups are supposed to be fair and reasonable, not strip one party of all financial protection. I went back to Elijah and explained what the lawyer had told me. I suggested we worked together to create a more balanced agreement that would protect both of us while ensuring I wouldn't be left destitute if something happened to our marriage. Elijah's response was not what I hoped for. He said he wasn't interested in negotiating and that the pre-nup was fair as written.

He accused me of being money-focused and said he was disappointed that I couldn't trust him to take care of me. When I explained that love and legal protection weren't mutually exclusive, he said I was thinking like a divorce lawyer instead of a fiancé. The conversation escalated when I pointed out the irony of him calling me money-focused given our entire relationship history with financial issues. I reminded him of how he'd monitored my spending and questioned my purchases, and how he'd prioritized his financial comfort over mine for years. Elijah said he thought we'd moved past those issues and that bringing them up now proved I was holding grudges instead of moving forward. He said the pre-nup was actually a solution to our financial conflicts because it would establish clear boundaries from the beginning.

When I asked what would happen if I simply refused to sign, Elijah said he'd need to reconsider the engagement because marriage without a pre-nup wasn't something he was willing to do. He said he loved me but wasn't going to put his financial future at risk, even for love. We've been in limbo for the past month. Elijah has been staying at his friend's apartment while he thinks about whether we want the same things. He's made it clear that marriage with the pre-nup is written is his only acceptable option, while I've maintained that I won't sign something that leaves me completely vulnerable. The ring is sitting in my jewelry box, and I honestly don't know if I'll ever wear it again. I keep thinking about the person who commented on my first post about what would happen if I became a stay-at-home mom.

Turns out they were exactly right to be concerned. I feel like I'm seeing Elijah clearly for the first time, and I don't like what I'm seeing. The financial control, the dismissal of my concerns, the expectation that I trust him completely while he refuses to offer any legal protections. It all feels like a pattern I should have recognized sooner. Has anyone else dealt with a situation like this? Is there any middle ground here, or should I accept that we want fundamentally different things from marriage? I love Elijah, but I'm starting to think love isn't enough if we can't agree

on basic principles of partnership and mutual respect. Comment one, do not sign the pre-nup. What he's proposing isn't a marriage, it's indentured servitude. He wants you to give up your career and financial independence while keeping all the power for himself. This man does not see you as an equal partner. Op's reply, that's exactly what it felt like reading it, like I'd be an employee rather than a wife. I'm realizing that our financial issues were never really resolved, just temporarily masked. Comment two, I was a psalm for 12 years before my divorce. Even with a fair pre-up and spousal support, rebuilding my career and financial independence was incredibly difficult. What he's proposing would leave you in an impossible situation if anything went wrong.

Please don't sacrifice your future security." Ops reply, this is what terrifies me. I'd be giving up years of career development and earning potential with zero protection if things went wrong. The attorney I consulted said that in my state, I might not even be eligible for spousal support with this pre-nup, since I'd be voluntarily choosing not to work. Comment 3. Look at the pattern.

to 50 split despite income inequality, then monitoring your spending when he paid more, then pre-nup that gives you no protection while expecting you to give up your career. This man has shown you who he is repeatedly. When someone shows you who they are, believe them and leave them. Don't be a stupid doormat. Final update, this will be my final update on this situation, and honestly, I'm writing it from my new apartment feeling sad. When I left you all last, Elijah and I were taking a break, while he decided whether he wanted to marry someone who wouldn't sign his extremely one-sided pre-up. I had been hoping that some time apart might help him understand my concerns and we could work toward a compromise. I was wrong. Three weeks ago, Elijah texted me asking to meet for dinner.

I thought this might be the conversation where we could finally work through our issues like mature adults. Instead, it turned into the most eye-opening evening of our entire relationship. Elijah started by saying he'd been doing a lot of thinking and talking to friends and family about our situation. He said multiple people had warned him about women who change after engagement and start making financial demands. He'd apparently decided that my refusal to sign the pre-up was evidence that I was more interested in his money than in building a life together. I tried to explain, again, that I wasn't asking for his money, I was asking for basic protections that would prevent me from being financially devastated if our marriage ended,

especially if I gave up my career to raise our children as he wanted. I pointed out that a fair pre-nup could protect his premarital assets while still ensuring I wouldn't be left with nothing after potentially years of unpaid domestic labor. That's when Elijah said something that made everything crystal clear. If you're so worried about being financially devastated by divorce, maybe you're already planning for our marriage to fail. He said that a woman who truly is a woman who truly is in a woman who truly is in a little bit of loved him would trust him to take care of her and wouldn't need legal guarantees. He said the fact

that I wanted protections showed that I didn't really believe in our relationship and was essentially planning an exit strategy. I asked him why, if he truly believed our marriage would last forever, he needed a pre-nup at all. If he was so confident we'd never divorce, why not just skip the pre-nup entirely? His response was telling, he said men always need to protect themselves because you never really know what someone's true intentions are. The double standard was staggering. He needed legal protection because you never know, but I was supposed to trust completely and need no protection at all. The conversation got worse from there. Elijah said he'd revised the pre-nup to be even more clear about expectations. The new version included, a specific monthly allowance amount,

$2,000, for my personal expenses if I stayed home, a clause stating that if I chose to work part-time or full-time after having children, would still not be entitled to any marital property. A morality clause that would void any financial support if I was unfaithful or abandon the marriage when I read through this revised document. I realized that Elijah fundamentally viewed marriage as a business transaction where he would be the owner and I would be a contractor with very limited rights. I told Elijah that I couldn't sign this document and suggested we postpone the engagement until we could work with both of our attorneys to create something more balanced. I said that if he truly loved me and wanted a partnership, he should want me to feel secure

and protected, not vulnerable and dependent. Elijah's response was the final straw. He said he was disappointed that I had turned out to be just like every other woman who was trying to get her hands on a man's money, he said he thought I was different because I had my own career and seemed independent, but that my true colors were showing now that marriage was on the table. He called me a gold digger and said that asking for any financial protections in marriage proved I was just after his money, he said real love meant trusting completely and that I was showing

I never really loved him by wanting legal safeguards. I was honestly speechless. This is the same man who had insisted on protecting his own financial interests with an ironclad pre-nup, but somehow my desire for basic security made me a gold digger. I took off the engagement ring and told Elijah that we clearly wanted different things from marriage. I said that if he couldn't understand why I needed financial protection, especially if I was going to give up my career for our family, then we weren't compatible for the long term. Elijah seemed shocked that I was ending things. He said I was throwing away a good relationship over money and that I'd regret this decision when I was older and still single. He said he had offered me a comfortable life and that I was

being foolish and greedy to turn it down. I moved out of our shared apartment two weeks ago. Elijah kept the place, his name was on the lease, and I found a cute one-beau. bedroom closer to my work. It's smaller and more expensive relative to my income, but it's mine, and I make all the decisions about how I spend my money. The relief I feel is overwhelming. I didn't realize how much stress I was carrying about our financial dynamics until it was gone. I can buy coffee without justifying it, I can choose my own grocery store, and I can make plans for my future without worrying about someone else controlling my access to resources. Thank you to everyone who commented on my previous posts.

Your perspectives helped me see patterns I was too close to recognize on my own. I truly think I dodged a bullet, and I'm grateful I figured it out before legally tying myself to someone who saw me as a financial liability rather than a life partner. Edit, a lot of people are asking about the apartment situation. Elijah and I were both on the lease, but he's taking over the full rent and getting my name removed. I forfeited my security deposit, but honestly, it's worth it for a clean break. My new place is about $200 more per month than my share of the old rent, but I'm managing fine and actually enjoying having my own space. Edit 2, some people are asking if I tried couples counseling.

We briefly discussed it during our break, but Elijah said the only thing we needed to work on was my trust issues and unrealistic expectations. He didn't think there was anything wrong with his approach to find. finances or the pre-nup. You can't fix a relationship when one person doesn't think there's a problem.