Reddit Stories - My PARTNER'S CLOSEST male friend has been TREATING me poorly for a couple

Episode Date: November 8, 2025

#redditstories #askreddit #aita #relationships #friendship #conflict #communication #adviceSummary: My PARTNER'S CLOSEST male friend has been TREATING me poorly for a couple. It's causing tension and affecting our relationship. I'm unsure how to address the situation without causing conflict between my partner and his friend.Tags: redditstories, askreddit, reddit, aita, tifu, relationships, friendship, conflict, communication, advice, partner, male friend, treating poorly, tension, relationship, address, situation, conflict, communicationBecome a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/reddit-stories--6237355/support.

I hope you enjoy this story. My partner's closest male friend has been treating me poorly for a couple of years, so I decided to stand up for myself when he suggested at our gathering that my partner could find someone superior to me. She gave me an ultimatum to apologize to him or were done. Hey everyone, I need to vent and get some perspective on a situation that's been driving me up the wall. I'll throw in some fake names to keep things clear. I'm Mike 26M, my girlfriend is Jess 25F, and her best friend, the source of my headaches, is Ryan 26M. Ryan has a girlfriend of his own, Ava 24F, who often hangs out with us too.

Jess and I have been together for a little over two years. We met at work, and we hit it off pretty quickly. She's smart, funny, gorgeous, honestly, the whole package, and I feel lucky to be with her. We moved in together about six months ago into an apartment. Everything between us has been really good except for one thing. Ryan, her so-called male best friend. Jess and Ryan have been best friends since college. They met in some freshman orientation event and became tight. By the time I came into the picture, they'd already been friends for years. When Jess first told me about Ryan, I didn't think much of it, I mean, having friends outside a relationship is totally normal. Plus, Ryan had a girlfriend, Ava, so I didn't feel any kind of jealousy initially.

Boy, was I naive. The first time I met Ryan was about a year ago, not long after Jess and I started dating seriously. Jess was excited for me to meet her best friend, so she set up a double date, the two of us, plus Ryan and his girlfriend Ava, going out for dinner at a casual restaurant. I remember being a little nervous, I wanted to make a good impression on anyone who was important to Jess. I was all smiles and handshakes when we met. Ryan, though. From the get-go, his attitude was, well, icy. He barely shook my hand, gave me this quick once over like he was sizing me up, and then almost immediately cracked some joke at my expense. I don't remember his exact words, but it was something about my height, I'm a bit shorter than him. him. It was phrased as a joke, and everyone kind of chuckled awkwardly. I tried to brush it off

and be a good sport. We all sat down to eat, and the whole dinner was like that, Ryan would make these snarky little comments directed at me, hidden under a thin veneer of humor. Just really unnecessary jabs. I could tell Jess was a bit uncomfortable with his tone, but she mostly just rolled her eyes or gently told him to knock it off. At one point, Ava, Ryan's girlfriend, even elbowed him and whispered for him to chill. It was clear to everyone at the table that Ryan didn't like me, though I had no idea why. I'd literally just met the guy. Despite all that, I kept a polite smile plastered on and tried to engage him in normal conversation. I asked about his job, his interests, you know, basic friendly small talk. He's a

He answered in curt sentences, then would divert his attention back to Jess, chatting with her like I wasn't even there. After that dinner, I talked to Jess about it. I asked, is Ryan always like that? She sighed and apologized for him. She said he could be very protective and a bit blunt, but that he was a good person once you get to know him. She also added that he had a rough childhood and some trust issues, which she thinks is why he standoffish with new people. I wasn't thrilled with how he treated me, but I decided I'd give it time for Jess's sake. I told her I understood, and that as long as he makes her life better and not worse,

I'd try to get along with him. Over the next several months, getting along with Ryan became an uphill battle. He comes over to our apartment pretty often, usually with Ava but sometimes alone if Ava's busy. His behavior is not just comments either. If we're all hanging out in a group, say, having drinks in our living room, Ryan will constantly interrupt or talk over me. If I tell a story or make a joke, he jumps in with a one-liner that undercuts me. It's subtle sometimes, but I notice it.

Hell, everyone notices it. I kept trying to be the bigger person. I really did. I'd laugh along or play it cool externally, even though inside I'd be boiling. Whenever Jess and I were alone after hanging out with Ryan, I'd bring it up gently. I'd say, it felt like Ryan was kind of harsh tonight, or does Ryan have an issue with me? I get this vibe he doesn't like me much. Jess would usually sigh and say things like, he just doesn't realize how he comes across,

or he is kind of harsh, but he jokes like that with everyone, I promise. She would defend him more directly, saying, Ryan's been my friend for so long. He was there for me through some tough times. I think he's just protective and maybe worried about me. That one made me ask, worried about what exactly? She insisted, nothing specific, he just wants to make sure I'm happy. Give him a chance, he'll come around. So I did give him chance after chance, I'd invite him along to things like movies or bowling,

but he always found a way to put me down or make me look foolish. It seemed like I couldn't win with this guy. Jess did tell him off here and there. They even had a couple of private talks that I know of. At least once, I overheard Jess scolding him in the hallway outside our apartment after a game night, basically saying he was out of line and needed to cut it out. That made me feel a bit better because at least she acknowledged it was an issue. Still, the behavior never truly stopped.

One particularly frustrating incident happened a few months ago. Ryan's car had broken down and he didn't have the cash to fix it. Jess put me on the spot by volunteering me to help him out, maybe fix it and even lend him some money until he got paid. I spent my whole Saturday in his garage working on that car and ended up lending him $300 for parts. He muttered a promise to pay me back, but barely even thanked me. Later, I told Jess how unappreciated I felt. She apologized on his behalf and said he does appreciate me, he's just bad at showing it. She insisted Ryan likes me deep down and just takes time to warm up.

I wasn't convinced. Two years in, and I'm still waiting for this guy to warm up. If anything, he's gotten worse. At times I wonder if I'm missing something obvious, like did I unknowingly offend him? Does he secretly have feelings for Jess or something? I never wanted to think that, because he has a girlfriend and Jess always insisted their friendship was totally platonic, like siblings. But the way he behaves, it's like he's trying to one-up me or push me out of Jess's life. I haven't outright accused Jess of that, but I have gently

asked questions like, has Ryan ever, you know, had a thing for you? She always laughs and says, no, absolutely not. He's like a brother. Plus, he's with Ava. trust me, there's nothing like that. She even told me at one point that Ryan had once confided in her that he planned to propose to Ava, though as far as I know, that hasn't happened yet. So I thought, okay, maybe he's not trying to steal her or anything. Maybe he's just an overprotective friend who thinks no guy is ever good enough for Jess. I can sort of understand that if I'm being generous, maybe he had seen her go through a bad

relationship before. I know her last ex was kind of a jerk to her, and he's on high alert. But I'm not her ex. I've been nothing but good to Jess. I treat her with respect, I support her ambitions. She recently started taking classes to get an MBA, I'm super proud of her, and we have a pretty healthy relationship. We have our small fights now and then like any couple, but we communicate and work things out. We love each other. Everyone who actually knows me, including Jess' other friends and her parents,

has told me I'm good for her, that they've never seen her this happy. Everyone can see that, except apparently Ryan, who still seems to think I'm some villain. I don't know, read it. It's been two years of this. How much longer am I supposed to wait?

And what if he never sees the real me, or worse, what if the real me is exactly who he has? for whatever reason. I hate feeling this wedge between Jess and me whenever Ryan's involved. I fear that if I make her choose, she might actually choose him. Their friendship is that strong, and I honestly don't know what she'd do. It hurts to even think about that. I love Jess, and aside from this issue, we have a great life together. I want a future with her, I've even thought about proposing sometime in the next few years. How do I handle this situation?

without coming off as the bad guy. Any advice or perspective would be appreciated. Update one, two weeks later. Well, things kind of exploded this past weekend. I wish I was coming here with a positive update, but nope. After posting here two weeks ago, I did talk to Jess more seriously about Ryan. She agreed to try to talk to him again about easing up and being respectful. I don't know if that talk ever happened or if it made any difference, because what went down at our party has probably changed everything. So, last Saturday, Jess and I hosted a party at our apartment. It was sort of a belated housewarming slash just for fun gathering. We invited a bunch of friends, some of my buddies from work, a couple of Jess's friends from her MBA classes, and of course

Ryan and Ava. In total, maybe 10 to 12 people. We had music, drinks, the usual chill hangout vibe. I actually was looking forward to it, hoping that with a larger group around, Ryan might behave, or at least I'd have enough other people to mingle with that I could avoid him if needed. For the first part of the night, things were actually okay. Ryan showed up with Ava, and he gave me a nod when I handed him a beer, not exactly friendly, but at least civil. I thought, maybe he got the hint from Jess to cool it. He wasn't going out of his way to talk to me, but he also wasn't making any snide remarks that I could hear. I relaxed a bit, enjoying playing host. Jess and I were circulating separately, chatting with our

respective friends. Maybe an hour later, a bunch of us were gathered in the living area. Someone had put on a cheesy pop song and a few people were dancing, others were just lounging and talking. I ended up on the couch with Jess on my lap. We were a little tipsy and being affectionate, nothing overboard, just cuddling and laughing as we watched our friend Tina do some goofy dance moves. It was a really good time, actually. For a moment, I felt that happy glow. Here was my amazing girlfriend in my arms, our friends all having fun together. Even Ryan seemed to be having a decent time. He was laughing with a couple of my friends about something. Then it all went to hell. During a lull in the music, the topic of conversation shifted to relationships.

Our friend Carlos, who was a bit drunk, raised a toast to the happy couple, meaning me and Jess, saying something about how we were great hosts and great together. A few people awed and lifted their drinks. Jess squeezed my hand and smiled. I was feeling pretty warm inside at that comment. But out of nowhere, I hear Ryan's voice cut through the moment. He was standing a few feet away, arms crossed, and he says loud enough for everyone to hear, Jess, you know you could do way better than Mike, right? The room went awkwardly silent, except for someone muttering dude, what the hell? Under their breath.

Jess immediately sat up straight, like she was snapped out of a trance. What did you just say? She asked Ryan, sounding genuinely shocked. Did I really just hear that? that this guy, in front of all our friends, told my girlfriend she could do better than me. Ryan didn't even look embarrassed or drunk or anything. He just shrugged and said, I'm just being honest. He actually had this slight smirk, like he'd been waiting to say it.

I felt white-hot anger flare up. Two years of biting my tongue around this guy, trying to be civil, and this is what he pulls. Before Jess or anyone else could respond, I stood up, gently me. moving Jess off my lap. I looked directly at Ryan and said, excuse me. Ryan said, you heard me. I'm saying Jess could do a lot better. He then gestured vaguely at me and added, I mean, look at this. It was the tone of utter disrespect, like I was some kind of joke to him. I completely saw a red and said something like better than me. You've got some nerve, man. At this point, Jess jumped up and grabbed my arm, saying Mike, calm down. And Carlos

stepped closer too, like he was ready to intervene if we started swinging. But I was too far gone. I pointed at Ryan, practically shouting now, I bust my ass to make Jess happy. I treat her better than her jerk of an ex ever did. I pay for damn near everything because I want to take care of her. For context, I do earn a bit more than Jess, so I cover a lot of our expenses, but throwing it out there like that was definitely not a cool move on my part. I was enraged and not thinking straight, Ryan sneered, hear that, Jess. He's keeping score. I pressed on, and you, Ryan, you're supposed to be her best friend. You think she could do better?

What, like you? The guy who can't even pay for his own car. repairs and comes begging us for money. As soon as I said that, I knew I'd hit below the belt. A collective who went around the room. Ryan's face went from smug to absolutely live it in a split second. You son of a, and then it all blurred. He lunged at me, chaos erupted. People gasped and started moving out of the way. I felt his fist clipped me and that was it, I swung back, catching him in the jaw. Next thing I know, were grap and knocking into a side table, Jess was screaming for us to stop, and my friend Carlos was

trying to pull me back while Ava and another friend grabbed at Ryan. We were probably only tussling for maybe ten seconds, but it felt like a long, drunken eternity. I remember shoving Ryan hard, and he stumbled backward over the coffee table, knocking over empty beer bottles. He tried to get up and come at me again, but by then I was in full fight or flight mode, and definitely chose fight. I basically tackled him towards the front door. We slammed into the door itself, and I pinned him there for a moment,

yelling something like get the hell out of my house. He shoved me off just enough that I lost my grip, and he took a swing again, this time connecting with my left cheek. I retaliated with a punch to his stomach, making him double over. Someone, I think it was Dave or Carlos, unlocked and flung open the front door behind Ryan, and I used that opportunity to literally push slash drag Ryan through it. We stumbled out into the apartment hallway. Ryan was cursing and yelling in my face, but he was also trying to swing at me even as I forced him out. I shoved him

one final time, causing him to fall back against the opposite wall in the hallway. Stay out, I shouted. Then I stepped back and slammed my apartment door shut in his face. Inside the apartment, everyone was stunned. The music had stopped at some point, and the only sound was heavy breathing, mostly mine, and a broken lamp buzzing on the floor. My heart was pounding out of my chest. I realized my lip was bleeding, might have been from when he first swung and caught my mouth or maybe I bit it during the scuffle. Jess ran toward the door and opened it, yelling to Ryan, oh my God, are you okay? That stunned to hear.

Ryan shouted a curse back at us as he stormed off with Ava chasing him. Then Jess looked at me and said, what is wrong with you? Why would you say those things? She practically shrieked, referring to me blurting out the money stuff. I was still furious. Are you serious right now? I snapped. You're asking me that instead of why your friend told you in front of everyone that you could do better than me?

He was drunk and talking nonsense, she yelled. But you embarrassed me, Mike. You said that stuff in front of everyone. She was trembling with anger and shock. Some of our friends were still standing around in shock. But Jess snapped, parties over. Leave. Within a couple minutes, everyone had grabbed their things and left,

leaving just me and Jess in a living room full of knocked over furniture and spilled drinks. Finally Jess said, I can't believe you did that. which part the part where I defended myself against your asshole friend or the part where I finally said I'm tired of his disrespect you shouldn't have done it she muttered it was wrong to bring up money or get physical you could have just ignored him Mike he was drunk ignore him he basically told you to break up with me how was I supposed to ignore that she snapped back, by trusting me, knowing I wouldn't listen to him. We went in circles for a few minutes, both of us yelling. She was furious that I had humiliated her with my outburst and for fighting

her friend. I was furious that she was more mad at me than at Ryan, who started it. It felt like she had blinders on for him. Finally she pointed at the door and told me to leave. Something in me cracked at that moment. Maybe she would never see myself. side, I thought. I grabbed my jacket and keys. As I opened the door, Jess asked him I seriously leaving. I turned back and told her I now know what's important to her. She started to reply, but I didn't stick around to hear it. I walked out and shut the door behind me while she was mid-sentence. I crashed at Dave's place that night. My phone blew up with messages, friends checking on me, and multiple texts from Jess. I just sat on Dave's couch, passed him a controller,

and we fired up a co-op video game to take my mind off things. Now it's the next day. My cheek is bruised and I have a small cut on my lip. Dave joked I look like I got in a bar brawl. I haven't seen Jess since I left. We exchanged a couple of texts earlier, but it was basically her asking if I'd calm down and me asking if she had, not exactly productive. To be honest, I'm still angry, at both of them. I know I shouldn't have lost my cool like that and I do regret how far it went. But I also feel seriously betrayed that Jess immediately jumped to scolding me without really holding Ryan accountable. She even excused him as drunk. Like, come on. Drunk words are sober thoughts, right? I don't know where this leaves.

leaves us. Part of me worries this is the beginning of the end of our relationship. And the messed up thing is, if it does end, it'll basically be because of Ryan. How twisted is that? Anyway, I thought I owed an update given the responses I got earlier. Not exactly the happy resolution I was hoping for. Update 2, 3 days later. It's been a few days since the party fight, and things have gone from bad to worse. After taking some space to cool off, I stayed at Dave's place for a few nights, I finally went back home to talk to Jess. I found Jess on the couch. We sat together in heavy silence for a moment. What followed was a long, circular discussion slash argument about the party, about Ryan, about everything. We were both calmer than

the night of the fight, but it was tense. I apologized for breaking the lamp and causing the scene at our place that part one I'm sorry for. I told her I regretted how out of hand it got. But I also firmly told her I felt extremely disrespected by what Ryan said and heard that she seemed to defend him over me. Jess's stance was that both of us were in the wrong, Ryan for his comment, and me for my reaction. She said, you should have been the bigger person, Mike. You know how he is. He was drunk and mouthing off. I responded. I I tried being the bigger person for two years, Jess. And look where it got me.

I told her point-blank that I didn't think I owed Ryan anything at this point, if anything, he should be apologizing to me. Not just for the party, but for all the other disrespect over the years. She bit her lip and went quiet for a bit, then said, he shouldn't have said that, okay. I agree. But. There was always a but, but you really crossed a long. mind bringing up money like that and physically attacking him. I countered that I only got

physical after he swung first, which is true, though I'll admit I provoked him with my words. She kind of waved that aside, saying, it wouldn't have gotten physical at all if you hadn't lost your temper. Around and around we went. It was frustrating as hell. I felt like she was making this false equivalence, like he insulted me in front of everyone and I responded, so we're equally to blame. I don't see it that way. Finally, Jess sighed and said something that floored me. She said, Ryan's basically like family to me. This whole thing is killing me. He's hurt, you're hurt. I just want it fixed. I was about to say me too when she continued, I think the only way to move past this is. You need to apologize to him. I stared at her, thinking I must have

misheard. You want me to apologize to him. I asked. For what? For how you acted, she said. For the things you said. If you just apologize, he'll apologize too and we can all move on. I shook my head in disbelief. He told you to your face to dump me. He swung at me. And you want me to apologize? She crossed her arms, yes. Because you provoked. You him and made everything worse. He's my best friend, I know he was out of line, but so were you. Both of you need to apologize, honestly, but you need to go first to show you're willing to make peace. I just couldn't believe what I was hearing. I'm not apologizing to him, Jess. That's when she issued it, the ultimatum. She said, if you won't even try to mend things

with Ryan, I don't see how this relationship can work. But she held up a hand. when I started to speak. Listen to me, Mike. I've known Ryan a lot longer than I've known you. He's like a brother. I hate what he said and did, but I can't have you two at each other's throats. I need peace between the two most important men in my life.

If you really love me, please just apologize and make things right. Or what? I asked, apologize to Ryan or we're over. I left because I couldn't stand. being in that apartment right then. I'm back crashing at Dave's for now. I'm honestly heartbroken and angry and just lost. I get that she loves Ryan as a friend slash brother, but I feel like she's completely failing to see how messed up this situation is. She's effectively choosing him over me by making this ultimatum. We haven't officially broken up yet, but it feels

like we're hanging by a threat. She's texted me saying she hopes I'll reconsider and that she loves me but can't be stuck in the middle. I told her I love her too, but I'm not going to change my stance. I'm firm that I shouldn't have to apologize for defending myself. Unless something changes, I don't see how we can get through this. Update 3, one week later. A miserable week passed with neither of us budging. She wouldn't drop the ultimatum, I refuse to apologize. I stayed at Dave's the whole time, avoiding any face-to-face conflict. After seven days, I decided to rip off the band-aid. I told Jess I would come by the apartment to pick up my things, and she simply said okay. That evening I showed up. Jess was sitting at the kitchen

table, we hadn't officially said the words were done. I grabbed a duffel bag from the closet and started collecting some clothes, my laptop, a few personal items I didn't want to leave behind. Jess quietly followed me from room to room. Finally, as I was zipping up the bag, she spoke, so, this is it. You gave me a choice, apologize or we're over. I won't apologize. So, this is it.

She started to cry and said she never wanted things to end like this, that she wasn't really choosing him over me, just trying to fix things. I told her she was the one who drew that line by siding with him. She admitted she thought I'd eventually just say sorry rather than lose everything with her. For a moment I wondered if I was making a huge mistake, but then I remembered how betrayed I felt when she took his side. I told her I couldn't be with someone who didn't have my back. I can't apologize when I don't mean it. She was sobbing as I walked out the door. leaving her like that was the hardest thing i've ever done as soon as i got outside later that night she texted that she was shocked i actually left and never thought it would come to this i didn't know how to respond so i didn't as of now i guess we're really over and that reality hurts like hell