Reddit Stories - My PARTNER'S pals REPEATEDLY insisted that she was SQUANDERING her prime by spending

Episode Date: July 24, 2025

#redditstories #askreddit #aita #relationships #advice #friendship #opinions #judgmentSummary: My partner's pals repeatedly insisted that she was squandering her prime by spending.Tags: redditstories, askreddit, reddit, aita, tifu, relationships, advice, friendship, opinions, judgment, partner, pals, squandering, prime, spending, advicecolumn, socialdilemma, peerpressure, lifestylechoices, decisionmakingBecome a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/reddit-stories--6237355/support.

I hope you enjoy this story. My partner's pals repeatedly insisted that she was squandering her prime by spending weekends with me while I was putting in 55 hours at work, so we attempted to heed their advice, but both ultimately failed. Up miserable until we realized we'd grown into different people. I, 26M, have been with my girlfriend Mia 25F, for about 2.5 years, living together for the past year. We're having an ongoing disagreement about how we spend our weekends, and I honestly can't tell if I'm being unreasonable or if we just want different things. For context, I work in a lot in a startup.

The hours can be pretty intense, usually 50 to 55 hours a week, sometimes more during crunch periods. I genuinely love what I do, but by Friday evening I'm mentally drained. My ideal weekend involves sleeping in, cooking a nice dinner together, maybe watching a movie or playing some video games. Occasionally I'm up for going out, but maybe once or twice a month Max Mia also works for a mid-sized company with much more regular hours. She's naturally more extroverted and has always been the social one in our relationship. She wants to go out most Friday and Saturday nights, bars, clubs, parties, dinner with friends, concerts, etc. Before we moved and together, this wasn't as much of an issue because we just do our own things on weekends and hang out during the week. Now that we're living together, it's become a

source of constant tension. She says I become boring and that she feels like she's dating someone much older. She's not wrong that I've changed. When we first started dating, I was working a different job with better work-life balance and had more energy for going out. But she's also changed She's gotten more into the party scene since making new friends at work about a year ago. The issue came to a head last weekend. She wanted to go to her co-worker's birthday party on Friday, which I was fine with, then Saturday she wanted to go bar hopping with the same group. I told her I'd rather stay in Saturday, and she could go without me.

She got upset and said it feels like I never want to spend time with her anymore, and that her friends are starting to ask why I never come out. I tried to explain that spending time together doesn't have to mean going out and drinking, but she said that I'm being selfish and only thinking about what I want to do. She also mentioned that her friend Rachel has been making comments about how domestic we've become, which is apparently not a good thing according to Rachel. I don't think I'm being unreasonable. I work hard during the week and just want to relax on weekends. I'm not trying to control what she does. She's free to go out whenever she wants.

But I also shouldn't be forced to go out when I don't want to, right? I'd offer preferring to stay home most weekends. Am I really being boring and selfish? Edit. To clarify a few things people have asked about, yes, I do occasionally go out with her, probably two to three times a month. And yes, we do spend time together at home, but she's usually on her phone texting her friends about plans for the next night out.

Comment one. Nah. This sounds like a fundamental compatibility issue rather than either of you being assholes. You both have legitimate needs, you need downtime to recharge, she needs social stimulation to feel fulfilled. The concerning part is that she's letting her friends influence how she sees your relationship. Rachel sounds like she's stirring the pot. Have you two had a serious conversation about what you both need from the relationship? Because this might be bigger than just weekend plans. Op reply. You're probably right that we need to have a bigger conversation.

The thing about Rachel is spot on, she's single and seems to think that being in a relationship means you should still be living like you're single. She's constantly making comments about how Mia is missing out or how we're too settled for our age. I've tried to bring up the compatibility thing gently, but Mia always says I'm overthinking it and that I just need to lighten up. But honestly, I'm starting to feel like we want fundamentally different lifestyles. When we first moved and together, I thought we'd find a good balance, but it feels like we're both just compromising and neither of us is really happy. The frustrating part is that I genuinely enjoy the time we spend together at home, cooking dinner, watching shows, just talking. But she seems restless during those times now, like she's waiting for something better to come

along. Last Sunday we had a really nice morning making breakfast together, but by afternoon she was already texting her friends about plans for the upcoming weekend. I'm starting to wonder if this is just who we are now, and whether that's sustainable long term. Comment two. I work a lot too and I totally get the exhaustion thing. Working at a startup is no joke, and people who haven't done it don't understand how mentally draining it can be. You're definitely not an asshole for needing downtime. That said, your girlfriend isn't wrong for wanting to go out and have fun. You guys might just be in different life phases right now. The question is whether you can find a middle ground that works for both of you. Op reply. Thanks for understanding the

work situation. I think you're right about being in different phases. The weird thing is that Mia used to be more understanding about my work schedule. When I first started to start, at the startup two years ago, she was actually really supportive and would bring me dinner when I was working late, stuff like that. But something shifted when she started hanging out with this new group from work. They're all really social and seemed to go out multiple times a week. I think being around them has made her feel like she's missing out on something, even though before this she was perfectly happy with our quieter lifestyle. I've been thinking about whether I should look for a job with better work-life balance, but honestly I love what I do and I'm learning

so much. Plus we're potentially going to get acquired next year, which could be life-changing financially. It feels like bad timing to make a major career change just to have more energy for partying, you know. I guess I'm hoping we can find that middle ground you mentioned, but I'm not sure what it looks like yet. Comment 3. I'm going to go against the grain here and say why TA relationships require effort and compromise. Going out two to three times a month is not exactly being a social butterfly. Your girlfriend is 25 and wants to have fun, that's completely normal. You're acting like an old married couple when you're not even engaged. If you can't be bothered to participate in her social life, don't be surprised when she starts questioning the relationship.

Op reply, I get what you're saying, and maybe I haven't been compromising enough. But I think there's a difference between not being bothered to participate and genuinely not having the energy or desire to go out multiple times every week. I've been trying to think about this more objectively, and here's what our typical month looks like. She goes out with friends two to three times during the week, happy hours, dinner, etc. And wants to go out both Friday and Saturday most weekends. That's roughly 12 to 15 social events per month. I join her for maybe two to three of those. So while I understand that relationships require compromise,

I'm already going out more than I naturally would, and she's staying in more than she naturally would. The question is whether we're meeting somewhere in the middle, or if the middle ground just doesn't work for either of us. You're right that she wants to have fun, and I don't want to stop her from doing that. But I also don't think I should have to pretend to enjoy things I don't actually enjoy just to keep her happy.

When I go out and I'm clearly not having a good time, it affects her enjoyment too. Update. It's been about three weeks since my original post, and unfortunately things have gotten worse rather than better. I wanted to update because a lot of people gave really thoughtful advice, and I've been trying to implement some of it. After reading the comments, I decided to have the serious conversation that several people suggested. I picked a quiet Sunday morning when we were both relaxed and brought up the compatibility

concerns that had been bothering me. The conversation didn't go as well as I'd hoped. When I explained that I was feeling like we might want different things from our weekends and our relationship in general, Mia got defensive. She said she felt like I was trying to make her feel bad for wanting to live her life and that I was being dramatic about what she called normal relationship growing pains. But then she said something that really stung. I feel like I'm dating someone who's 40, not 26. I missed the person you used to be when we first started dating. We used to have fun together, and now you act like going out as some huge burden. I tried to explain again about the work situation and how my energy levels have changed, but she cut me off and said,

everyone works, most people don't use their job as an excuse to become a hermit. That hurt because I don't think I'm a hermit, I just have different ideas about what's fun and relaxing. But it made me realize that she's not just disappointed about weekend plans, she's disappointed in who I've become as a person. Since that conversation, things have been pretty tense. I made an effort to go out more often to show that I was trying to compromise. Over the past three weeks, I've gone out with her and and her friends six times. But honestly, it's been miserable for me. I spend the whole time feeling drained and checking my phone to see what time it is. Her friends have definitely noticed, last Friday, her friend Rachel made a comment about how I look like I'd rather be anywhere else,

which was accurate. The problem is that when Mia stays in with me, she's equally miserable. She'll agree to a movie night, but she spends the whole time on her phone, either scrolling social media or texting her friends about what they're doing. Last Saturday we ordered takeout and tried to watch a series together, but she was clearly distracted and kept making comments about how dead our Saturday night was. So now we're in this weird situation where we're both compromising, but neither of us is actually happy. When we go out, I'm counting down the minutes until we can leave.

When we stay in, she's mentally somewhere else entirely. I'm starting to think that the people who said this was a fundamental compatibility issue were right. We want different things from our free time, and more importantly, we want different things from our relationship. I love the quiet, intimate moments we used to share, but she seems to find them boring now. She loves the excitement and energy of going out, but that world feels exhausting and artificial to me. I don't know what to do next. Neither of us is wrong for wanting what we want, but I'm not sure there's a solution that makes both of us happy.

Comment 1. This is heartbreaking to read, but you're showing a lot of maturity and recognizing what's happening. It sounds like you've both outgrown the relationship, but neither of you wants to admit it yet. The fact that she's miserable when you stay in and you're miserable when you go out means the compromise isn't actually working. You're just taking turns being unhappy, which isn't sustainable. Op reply. You've put into words exactly what I've been feeling but couldn't put into words. We are taking turns being unhappy, and it's starting to affect everything else in our relationship. The worst part is that we used to balance each other out really well. She helped me be more social and spontaneous, and I helped her appreciate quieter moments.

But now it feels like instead of balancing each other, we're just pulling each other in directions we don't want to go. I keep thinking about something she said during our conversation, I miss the person you used to be. The thing is, I don't think I fundamentally changed as a person. I think my circumstances changed and my priorities shifted accordingly. But maybe she's right that the person I am now isn't who she fell in love with. The question I keep asking myself is whether people can grow in different directions and still make a relationship work, or if growth is supposed to bring you closer together.

Right now it feels like we're growing apart, and I don't know if that's fixable. or if it's just. What happens sometimes? Comment two. I went through something similar with my ex-husband. We tried to force compatibility for almost two years before finally admitting we wanted different lives. Looking back, we both knew it wasn't working much earlier than we admitted it. The friend group dynamic you mentioned is also a red flag. When outside people are actively undermining your relationship, it adds pressure that makes everything harder. Op reply. The friend group thing has definitely become more of an issue than I initially realized.

After reading comments on my first post, I started paying more attention to how Mia talks about our relationship when her friends are around. Last weekend we went to a birthday party for one of her coworkers, and I overheard Rachel telling someone that Mia is too young to be tied down and that she should be living it up instead of staying home with her boyfriend. Later that night, another friend asked Mia if she ever missed being single, right in front of me. I think her friends genuinely think they're looking out for her, but they're basically telling her that being in a committed relationship is something she should regret.

That's really hard to compete with, especially when I'm already struggling to make her happy. What's interesting is that my friends have started making comments too, but in the opposite direction. A couple of them have mentioned that I seem stressed all the time now, and one of them directly asked if I was happy in my relationship. So we're both getting outside pressure, but it's pushing us further apart rather than encouraging us to work things out. You mentioned knowing it wasn't working earlier than you admitted it. I think I'm at that point now.

The signs have been there for months, but I kept thinking we could fix it if we just tried harder or communicated better. But maybe some things can't be fixed with effort alone. Update 2. I wish I had better news, but things continue to spiral downward. It's been about two months since my last update, and we've been trying even harder to make compromises work, but it's becoming clear that we're just delaying the inevitable. After my last post, several people suggested we try a more structured approach to compromise,

like alternating weekends or setting specific expectations. We decided to try a system where we'd go out one weekend night and stay in the other, with the person whose choice it was having full control over the activity. It lasted about three weeks before we both admitted it wasn't working. On the nights we went out, I found myself having what I can only describe as anxiety attacks. Not dramatic panic attacks, but this constant low-level dread and exhaustion that made it impossible to enjoy anything. I'd try to smile and participate in conversations, but I felt like I was wearing a mask the entire time. Mia could tell, and it made her feel guilty for dragging me out, which then made her resentful that I was ruining her fun by being obviously uncomfortable.

On the nights we stayed in, Mia was physically present but mentally elsewhere. She'd suggest a movie, but then spend the entire time texting her friends about what they were doing. She'd put her phone away when I asked, but then she'd be visibly agitated and would start conversations about how dead our neighborhood was or how we never did anything spontaneous anymore. The breaking point came a two weeks ago. It was my turn to choose, so we stayed in and I cooked this elaborate dinner that took me most of the afternoon to prepare.

I was actually excited it felt like the kind of evening we used to love. But halfway through dinner, her phone kept buzzing with messages from her friends. who were at some rooftop party downtown. She kept apologizing and putting the phone away, but I could see how much she wanted to be there instead. Finally, I told her she should just go meet them. She initially protested, but when I insisted, she was out the door in 15 minutes.

I ended up eating dinner alone and felt like an idiot for thinking a home-cooked meal could compete with a rooftop party. Last weekend was her turn to choose, and we went to a club with her usual group. I spent $120 on drinks I didn't want, stood around making small talk with people I barely know, and watched Mia have the time of her life. She was dancing, laughing, completely in her element. It was the happiest I'd seen her in weeks. But here's the thing that really hit me, watching her that night, I realized that the person she is when she's out with her friends is who she really is now.

She's vibrant and energetic and social in a way that she never is when we're alone together anymore. And conversely, the person I am when I'm at home on a quiet evening is who I really am. We're not just wanting different activities, we're becoming different people. The ride home that night was silent. I think we both realized what I had just realized. We haven't made any weekend plan since then. She's gone out both nights for the past two weekends, I've stayed home. We're basically living like roommates who happen to share a bed. I know what everyone is going to say, and you're probably right. But it's hard to end the 2.5 year relationship over something that feels like it should be solvable. We're not fighting about money or family or

cheating. We're fighting about how to spend nights together. It feels so trivial and so massive at the same time. Comment 1. Stop calling this a fight about night. This is a fight about fundamental values, lifestyle choices, and what you each need to feel fulfilled in life. Those aren't trivial things, they're the foundation of long-term compatibility. You've already answered your own question when you said you're becoming different people. Listen to that instinct. Op reply. You're absolutely right, and I think I've been minimizing the significance of what's happening

because it's easier than facing the reality of the situation. I've been doing a lot of thinking since that night at the club, and I keep coming back to this moment when I was watching me a dance with her friends. She looks so genuinely happy and free in a way that I realized I haven't seen when she's with me in months. That should have made me happy for her, but instead it made me extremely sad because I understood that I'm not the person who brings out that side of her anymore. And the reverse is true too. Comment 2

Dude, I've been following your posts and I keep seeing myself in your situation. I'm also exhausted by weekend social obligations, and my girlfriend and I went through something similar last year. The difference is that we were able to find a balance that worked, but only because we both genuinely wanted the same core thing, a committed relationship with space for individual interests. It sounds like you and Mia want different core things now. Op reply.

I'm really glad you and your girlfriend were able to work it out, and I'm curious about what that balance looks like for you too. I think you've identified the key difference, though, you both wanted the same core thing. I've been trying to figure out what Mia and I each want at the deepest level, beyond just the surface level activities. I think what I want is a partnership where we can build something together, whether that's a quiet life, shared hobbies, deep conversations, working toward common goals. I want to feel like we're a team that's creating something meaningful.

What I think Mia wants now is a relationship that enhances her social life and gives her freedom to explore who she's becoming as a person. She wants a partner who can keep up with her energy and her desire for new experiences. Those aren't necessarily incompatible in theory, but they are for us, in practice. I can't keep up with her energy without burning out, and she can't slow down to my pace without feeling stifled. I keep hoping there's some magical compromise we haven't thought of yet, but I'm starting to accept that some differences can't be compromised away. Update 3. I think we're finally facing the reality that many of you have been gently pointing toward in your comments. Two weeks ago, Mia came home from a girl's night and asked if we could have a

serious talk. She sat me down and said that her friends had been asking her some hard questions about our relationship, and now she was questioning things too. Apparently, her friend Rachel had been particularly direct, telling Mia that she was settling for someone who couldn't match her energy and that she was going to regret spending her 20s with someone who made her feel guilty for wanting to have fun. Rachel also said that watching us together was painful because it was obvious we weren't on the same wavelength anymore. But it wasn't just Rachel. Mia said that multiple friends had made comments about how different she seemed when I wasn't around, apparently more vibrant and outgoing. Someone had even said that I seemed like deadweight when we went out as a group.

Hearing all of this was brutal, but I tried to stay focused on what Mia was actually saying rather than getting defensive about her friend's opinions. She told me that she'd been doing a lot of thinking, and she was starting to wonder if we were really compatible long term. I love you, she said, but I don't know if I'm in love with the life we're building to And I don't know if you're in love with who I'm becoming either. She was right about that last part. We decided to take a week to think about things separately. I stayed at my friend David's place, and Mia had the apartment to herself.

The plan was to reconvene the following weekend and decide what to do next. That week apart was incredibly revealing. I felt, relieved. Not happy, exactly, but like I could finally bring. I didn't have to worry about making weekend plans or compromising on activities I didn't want to do. I could work late without feeling guilty, sleep in without being made to feel lazy, and spend Sunday reading without someone sighing dramatically in the background. When I talked to David about it, he said something that stuck with me, you see more like

yourself than you have in months. That was hard to hear, but I think it was true. Meanwhile, Mia apparently had the best week she'd had in ages. She went out three times, had friends over twice, and generally lived the social life she wanted without having to consider my preferences or energy levels. When we talked on the phone midweek to check in, she sounded happier and more energetic than I'd hurt her in months. When we met up last weekend to talk, we were both pretty honest about how the week had gone.

Neither of us wanted to hurt the other, but we also couldn't pretend that we hadn't both been happier apart. I think we've been trying so hard to make this work that we've lost sight of whether it should work, Mia said. Maybe some people just aren't meant to be together long term, even if they love each other. We haven't made any final decisions yet, but we're both acknowledging now that this might not be fixable. We're going to try one more week of living together and seeing if we can find any path forward, but honestly, I think we both know where this is heading. The hardest part is that there's no villain in this story. Neither of us did anything wrong. We just grew in different directions, and now we're trying to figure out if

love is enough to bridge that gap. I'm starting to think it might not be. Comment one. The fact that you both felt relief and happiness when you were apart tells you everything you need to know. You don't need to wait another week to figure this out. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do someone go so they can be happy with someone who's actually excited about the same things they are." Op reply. You're right, and I think we both know it. The week apart was like a preview of what our lives could be like if we weren't constantly trying to force compatibility that isn't there anymore. What's been weighing on me is the question of whether we're giving up too easily.

We've been together for 2.5 years, lived together for over a year, and we do still love each other. Shouldn't that count for something? Shouldn't we be willing to fight harder for the relationship? But then I think about what fighting harder would actually look like. Final update. This will be my final update, and I wanted to thank everyone who followed along and offered advice throughout this process. We ended things. After our week apart and the follow-up conversation I've described in my last post, we both knew where we were heading.

We tried the one more week we had planned, but it felt forced and sad. We were both going through the motions of being a couple while knowing it wasn't working. The final conversation happened last Sunday evening. We were sitting on our couch, trying to watch a movie together, and I could feel both of us mentally counting down until it was over. Finally, Mia paused it and said, this isn't working, is it? We talked for about three hours. It was honest and painful and surprisingly mature.

We acknowledged that we both changed over the past year, and that those changes had taken us in different directions. We talked about all the ways we tried to compromise and how those compromises had left us both feeling like we were performing rather than living authentically. I think we were trying to love each other back to who we used to be, Mia said at one point, instead of accepting who we are now. She was right. The hardest part of the conversation was acknowledging all the good things we were losing. We have incredible emotional intimacy when we're not struggling over lifestyle differences. We make each other laugh. We have similar values about honesty, loyalty, and treating people well.

We were genuinely best friends for most of our relationship. But we also acknowledged that those good things weren't enough to build a sustainable future on if the day-to-day reality of living together made us both feel trapped and misunderstood. We decided that I would move out at the end of the month. She's keeping the apartment, which makes sense since she loves the neighborhood's nightlife and I've been wanting to find somewhere quieter anyway. We're going to take some time apart to figure out who we are as individuals before trying to maintain a friendship.

Edit. I moved my stuff out yesterday. It was surreal and sad, but also peaceful in a way I hadn't a way. expected. We hugged goodbye, and Mia said, I hope you find someone who love staying home as much as you do. I told her I hope she found someone who could keep up with her energy. The weird thing is that I'm not angry or bitter. I'm sad, obviously, but I also feel like we handled this in the most mature way possible. We recognized incompatibility before it turned into resentment. We ended things while we still cared about each other's happiness.

We didn't try to force someone to change or blame them for being who they are. I'm staying with David for a few more days while I finalize a lease on a new place. It's a quiet apartment in a more residential neighborhood, with a good kitchen and space for a home office. For anyone who followed this saga from the beginning, you were right. This was always about fundamental compatibility, not weekend activities. Sometimes two people can love each other and still not be right for each other long term. It still hurts, but I am probably going to be fine. Thank you for helping me see this situation clearly.

I hope Mia and I both find partners who are excited about the same things we are, rather than just tolerating them. Forward slash forward slash.