Reddit Stories - Partner DECLINED my offer to cover EXPENSES, so they covertly secured an ADDITIONAL

Episode Date: July 20, 2025

#redditstories #askreddit #aita #relationships #partners #moneyissues #communication #trustSummary: Partner declined my offer to cover expenses, so they covertly secured an additional. This led to a breakdown in communication and trust, causing strain in our relationship.Tags: redditstories, askreddit, reddit, aita, tifu, relationships, partners, moneyissues, communication, trust, declinedoffer, covertlysecured, additionalexpenses, breakdown, strain, conflictresolution, financialdisagreement, relationshipadvice, personalboundaries, honestyBecome a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/reddit-stories--6237355/support.

I hope you enjoy this story. Partner declined my offer to cover expenses, so they covertly secured an additional occupation, laboring for 70 hours weekly to steer clear of financial burden until experiencing a physical breakdown. From exhaustion at work and had to be hospitalized. I, 26F, have been dating my boyfriend, 28M, for almost a year now, and there's this ongoing issue that's starting to really bother me. He absolutely refuses to let me pay for anything when we're together. Not just dinner dates, I'm talking about everything. Coffee, movie tickets, groceries when we shop together, gas when we take his car somewhere,

even something as small as a pack of gum at the convenience store. At first, I thought it was sweet. I've dated guys before who were very much about splitting everything down to the penny, so having someone who insisted on treating me felt nice. But it's gotten to the point where it feels weird and controlling, and he gets genuinely upset when I try to pay for things. Last weekend, we went to brunch with some of his co-workers and their partners. The bill came to about $120 for our portion, and when I pulled out my card to split it, he actually raised his voice at me in front of everyone. Not yelling, but definitely sharp enough that the whole table noticed.

He grabbed my wrist, not heart, but firmly, and said I've got it in this tone. that made it clear the conversation was over. I was mortified. His co-worker's girlfriend later pulled me aside and asked if everything was okay, which made me realize how it must have looked to other people. When I brought it up to him later, he got defensive and said I was making a scene and disrespecting him by trying to pay. Here's what makes it even more confusing.

We both work full-time and make similar salaries. I'm making about $58,000, and he's making around $1,000. and he's making around $62,000. So it's not like there's a huge income disparity where it would make sense for one person to always pay. I've tried approaching this different ways. I've suggested we alternate who pays, or that we split things proportionally based on our salaries, or even just let me pay for small things like coffee. Every suggestion gets shut down.

He says he was raised to take care of his woman and that a man should provide. When I point out that we're not married and we both contribute financially to our own lives, he gets this look like I'm attacking his character. The weird part is that he's not traditional or controlling in other aspects of our relationship. He does his own laundry, cooks for himself, doesn't expect me to clean his apartment or anything like that. He's actually pretty progressive about most things. It's literally just the money thing.

It's also starting to affect our relationship in practical ways. I feel guilty every time we go out because I know he's spending money on me that I could easily cover myself. I've started suggesting we stay in more often or do free activities, but then I feel like I'm limiting our relationship because of this weird hang-up he has. Last month, I wanted to take him out for his birthday, like, actually treat him to a nice dinner at this restaurant he'd mentioned wanting to try. The place was a bit upscale, probably $200 to $250 for both of us with drinks and apatathe. I made the reservation and explicitly told him it was my treat for his birthday. We had a great time, the food was amazing, and when the check came, I immediately handed my card to the server. He completely lost it. Not screaming or anything, but he got this panicked look

and kept trying to flag down the server to change it to his card. When the server had already walked away, he sat there looking like I'd slapped him. He barely spoke for the rest of the evening, and when we got back to his place, he said I'd humiliated him and made him feel like less of a man. I tried to explain that it was supposed to be a gift, that I wanted to do something nice for him for his birthday, but he said that accepting money for me made him feel like a deadbeat. This is a guy who has his own apartment, a reliable car, a good job, and pays all his own bills. The idea that letting his girlfriend buy him dinner makes him a deadbeat seems completely irrational to me. We've been together almost a year, and I really care about him.

He's funny, smart, thoughtful in other ways, and we have great chemistry. But this money thing is becoming a real problem. I feel like I can't be an equal partner in the relationship, and it's making me resentful. I also worry about what this means for our future, if we moved and together, got married, had kids, would he still expect to pay for everything? What if one of us lost our job or wanted to go back to school? I've tried talking to a few friends about it, and they're split. Some think it's sweet and old-fashioned, others think it's a red flag.

My best friend thinks I should just let him be a gentleman and enjoy being treated, but my sister thinks it's controlling and weird. I'm starting to feel like I'm the asshole for not just accepting this and being grateful, but it genuinely bothers me. Am I wrong for wanting to contribute financially to our relationship. Comment one, this isn't about being a gentleman, the fact that he gets angry when you try to pay, especially in public, is concerning. A healthy relationship involves financial equality when both people are capable of contributing. His reaction to you trying to pay

for his birthday dinner is especially telling, that's not normal. Op response, everyone's always complaining about guys who don't pay, so I felt weird being upset about the opposite problem. The birthday dinner thing really bothered me because it wasn't even about our regular dates, it was supposed to be a gift for me to him, and he still couldn't handle it. What really gets to me is that he seemed genuinely distressed, not just annoyed. Like, he was almost panicky about it. I don't understand why letting me spend money on him is so threatening. It makes me feel like he doesn't see me as an equal partner, just someone he's supposed to take care of,

which isn't the dynamic I want in a relationship. Comment two, nah, but this sounds like it might be rooted in something deeper than just old-fashioned values. The level of distress he shows when you try to pay suggests this might be tied to his self-worth or past experiences in some way. Have you tried having a calm conversation about why this is so important to him? Not during or right after an incident, but just sitting down and really talking about it. Op response, we've tried to talk about it a few times, but he always gives the same responses about being raised to provide and it being about respect. When I push for more details, he gets uncomfortable and changes the subject.

You might be right about it being tied to something deeper. His family situation growing up is something he doesn't talk about much. I know his parents divorced when he was young and his mom raised him and his sister mostly on her own, but he's pretty private about the details. I've been with him for almost a year and I've only met his mom twice, both times briefly. Maybe there's something there I don't understand, but I don't know how to get him to open up about it without seeming like I'm prying or psychoanalyzing him. Comment three, why ta for making this into such a big deal? Some guys show love by providing, and you're turning his generosity into a problem.

You're literally complaining that your boyfriend wants to treat you well. If you don't like being treated nice, find someone who'll let you pay for everything and see how that works out. Op response, I think you're missing the point. This isn't about not appreciating generosity, I do appreciate when he wants to treat me. The problem is that it's become absolute and non-negotiable, to the point where he gets visibly upset if I try to contribute anything. That's not generosity, that's rigidity. In a healthy relationship, both people should be able to express care through giving, whether that's time, attention, or yes, money. When one person completely shuts down the other person's attempts to contribute, it creates

an imbalance. I'm not asking him to stop treating me, I'm asking for the occasional opportunity to treat him too. The fact that he literally cannot accept a birthday dinner from his girlfriend of almost a year suggests this goes beyond just wanting to be generous. Comment 4. How does he react to non-monetary gifts or gestures? Like if you cook for him, buy him something small, plan a free act.

activity, etc. I'm wondering if this is specifically about money or about receiving anything from you in general. Op response, he's fine with non-monetary things, he loves when I cook for him, he appreciates little gifts like picking up his favorite snacks or something he mentioned wanting. And he's totally happy when I plan free activities like hiking or going to the farmer's market. He even lets me drive sometimes when we take my car places. It really does seem to be specific. about money. Which makes it even weirder to me, because if he was just someone who couldn't accept anything from a partner, at least that would be consistent. But he can accept my time, effort, cooking, small gifts, just not my money. I don't understand the distinction or why money

specifically is so threatening to him. Update, it's been about three weeks since my original post, and several people suggested that this might be rooted in something deeper than just old-fashioned values, and it turns out you were right. After reading the comments, I decided to try approaching the conversation differently. Instead of focusing on the money aspect directly, I tried to ask more about his childhood and family background. I know that sounds manipulative, but I genuinely wanted to understand him better, and several commenters pointed out that his reaction seemed extreme enough to suggest some underlying issues. We were having dinner at his apartment last week, just a quiet night in, and I asked him about what his family did for fun

when he was growing up. He got this far off look and said they didn't really do much because there wasn't money for activities. When I asked him to tell me more about that, he was quiet for a long time, and then it all came out. He grew up really poor. Like utilities getting shut off, generic cereal for dinner sometimes, his mom working two jobs and still struggling to pay rent kind of poor. His dad left when he was eight and apparently didn't pay child support consistently. His mom did her best, but there were times when they genuinely didn't know how they were going to pay for basic necessities. He told me about being a teenager and watching his mom cry over bills, about wearing the same pair of shoes until they literally fell apart, about being embarrassed to bring friends over because their apartment was in a rough neighborhood and sparsely furnished. He said he promised himself that when he grew up, he would never.

never let anyone he cared about worry about money the way his mom did, and he would never be the kind of man who couldn't provide for his family. When he told me all this, so much of his behavior started to make sense. The panic when I try to pay isn't about control, it's about this deep-seated fear that if he's not providing financially, he's failing as a partner the same way his father failed his family. In his mind, letting me pay for things means he's not fulfilling his most basic responsibility as a boyfriend. I felt horrible for not understanding this earlier, and I told him how much I appreciated him sharing that with me. But then I started thinking about our lifestyle and how much we've been going out, and I got worried about whether he could actually afford all the things he's been paying for. I very gently asked him about his budget and whether covering all our expenses was putting strain on his finances.

He got defensive at first, insisting that he was fine and could handle it. But when I pressed a little and pointed out that we've been going out multiple times a week, plus weekend activities, plus his birthday dinner, which he ended up repaying for despite my protests, he finally admitted that he's been using credit cards to cover some of our dates. It gets worse. Apparently, he's been doing this for months. He currently has about $4,000 in credit card debt that's almost entirely from taking me out places. He makes decent money, but after his regular regular business, he makes decent money, but after his regular

expenses, rent, car payment, student loans, groceries, etc., he doesn't have a huge amount left over for entertainment. Instead of suggesting cheaper activities or letting me contribute, he's been putting our dates on credit cards and telling himself he'll pay it off later. When I found this out, I was honestly a little angry. He'd been lying to me about his financial situation while refusing to let me help. I told him that this was exactly what I'd been worried about, that his insistence on paying for everything wasn't sustainable and was creating problems. He got defensive and said that it was his choice and his responsibility, and that the debt wasn't my problem. I explained that it absolutely was my problem because I care about him

and because I've been unknowingly participating in something that was hurting his financial stability. I said that if I'd known he was going into debt to take me out, I would have insisted we do cheaper things or that we split costs. We had a pretty long conversation. We had a pretty long conversation about this, and I think he's starting to understand that his approach isn't actually protecting me or our relationship, it's creating problems. But he's still struggling with the emotional side of it. He keeps saying that he knows logically that it makes sense for us to split things, but that it feels wrong and makes him anxious. We're trying to compromise. He's agreed to let me pay for smaller things like coffee and lunch, and we're going

to alternate who pays for bigger date nights. He's also agreed to focus on paying down his credit card debt, which means we'll be doing more budget-friendly activities for a while. I suggested we have more nights in, do free things like hiking or going to farmers markets, and save the expensive dinners for special occasions. It's been an adjustment. He still tenses up when I pay for things, and I can tell it bothers him, but he's trying. I'm realizing this is going to be a longer process than I initially thought. The debt situation is still concerning to me, though. $4,000 isn't catastrophic, but it's not nothing either, especially when it's all high-interest credit card debt. I've offered to help him pay it down faster since it was partly for

activities with me, but he's adamant that he needs to handle it himself. I'm respecting that for now, but I'm keeping an eye on the situation. Comment 1. I'm glad he opened up to you, but I'm concerned that he's already $4,000 in debt and still resistant to letting you help pay it down. That kind of financial stress can really damage a relationship, and if he's willing to go into debt rather than let you contribute, what happens if you move in together or get married? Will he take on a second mortgage rather than let you help with house payments? Op response, that's definitely something I'm worried about, too. The long-term implications of this mindset are what concern me most.

We've talked a little bit about the future, and he insists that he understands things would need to be different if we live together or got married, but I'm not sure he's really internalized that yet. Right now, he can conceptualize our current expenses as dates that he should pay for, but what happens when it's rent and groceries and utilities? I think he'd struggle with the idea of me contributing to household expenses just as much as he struggles with me paying for dinner. I'm hoping that therapy might help him work through some of these deeper beliefs, but I can't force him to go. For now, I'm focusing on the small progress we're making and hoping that as he gets more comfortable with me paying for small things, it'll be easier for him to accept bigger contributions later. Comment two, have you considered that his willingness to go into debt rather than accept help might be a sign of financial irresponsibility rather than just childhood trauma? I get that his upbringing was difficult, but lots of people. grow up poor without developing this kind of rigid thinking about money.

The fact that he hid the debt from you is also concerning. Op response, I've definitely thought about that, and you're right that the hiding part bothers me. But I don't think this is about financial irresponsibility in the traditional sense. He's not spending money on himself or making impulse purchases. He's been very disciplined about his personal spending and his good credit otherwise. This debt is specifically about maintaining what he sees as his role in our relationship. That doesn't make it okay, but I think it's different

from someone who just can't manage money. The hiding part, though, that does concern me. He said he didn't tell me because he didn't want me to feel guilty or try to change how we do things, but that's exactly the kind of protecting me that created this problem in the first place. I've made it clear that financial transparency is important to me going forward, especially if we're going to have any kind of future together. I think he's starting to understand that keeping financial secrets isn't actually protective, it's just creating bigger problems down the line. Comment three, you mentioned suggesting therapy but not pushing it. I think you should reconsider pushing it, honestly. This level of anxiety around money and masculinity isn't something that's likely to resolve

just through willpower and good intentions. He needs professional help to work through the underlying beliefs that are driving this behavior. Op response, I've been hesitant to push the therapy thing because I don't want to make him feel like I think there's something wrong with him, especially after he was vulnerable enough to share his childhood experiences with me. But I'm starting to think that my hesitance might be doing him a disservice. The anxiety he experiences when I pay for things is clearly really distressing for him. And it's not fair to either of us to just hope it gets better on its own.

I think I'll bring it up again, maybe framing it as something that could help him feel more comfortable with financial flexibility in our relationship rather than something he needs to fix about himself. The tricky part is that therapy costs money, and given his current financial stress, that might create another barrier. But maybe there are sliding scale options or something through his work's benefits that could make it more accessible. Update 2, this is going to be another difficult update, and I'm honestly not sure what to do at this point. The situation with my boyfriend has gotten more complicated, and I'm starting to realize that the financial issues I wrote about before were just the tip of the iceberg. It's been about six weeks since my last update,

and we've been making slow progress on the money thing. He's been letting me pay for small things like coffee and lunch without too much resistance, and we've managed to alternate who pays for bigger dates a few times. It's still clearly uncomfortable for him, but he's been trying. Last week, I noticed he seemed more tired than usual. He's always been someone who stays up late, but he was falling asleep during movies, yawning constantly, and just seemed generally worn down. When I asked him about it, he said he'd been having trouble sleeping, which I accepted because he's mentioned having insomnia issues before. But then on Saturday, we had plans to go hiking in the morning. This is something we do regularly, and he's usually the one pushing to get an early start.

When I got to his apartment at 8 a.m., he was still asleep and didn't hear me knocking. I used the spare key he gave me to let myself in, planning to just quietly make coffee and let him sleep a bit longer. That's when I saw work clothes laid out on his chair that I didn't recognize, a polo shirt with a logo I'd never seen in name tag that said Mike with some restaurant name on it. At first I thought maybe it was old or something he was donating, but it was clearly freshly laundered and ready to be worn. When he woke up around nine, he was obviously disoriented and seemed surprised that it was already mourning. I asked him about the work clothes, and he got this panicked look and started making excuses about helping out a friend or picking up a one-time shift. But I could tell he was lying because he's a terrible liar and was stumbling over his words. I sat him down and told him I knew something was going on and that I was worried about him.

After a lot of back and forth, he finally admitted that he's been working a second job for the past three months. He's been working his regular job during the day, then working at a casual dining restaurant four nights a week as a server. I was completely shocked. This means he's been working about 65 to 70 hours a week and only getting maybe 5 to 6 hours of sleep most nights. When I asked him why, he said it was to pay off the previous credit card debt faster and to make sure he could keep taking me out without going further into debt. This whole time I've been thinking we were making progress on the financial issues, but apparently he dealt with my concerns by just working himself to death instead of actually accepting help. When I pointed this out, he said he didn't want to burden me with his financial problems and that this was his way of handling it responsibly. I asked him how long he was planning to keep this up, and he said until the debt was paid off and he had a better cushion for our expenses.

At his current rate, that would probably take at least six to eight more months, possibly longer. I told him this was completely unsustainable and that he was going to make himself sick. He's already lost weight, he's constantly exhausted, and he told me he's been making mistakes at his day job because he's so tired. I said I was worried about his health and that this wasn't what I wanted when I asked him to be more responsible about our finances. He got defensive and said that working extra to pay for things was better than taking my money, and that he was handling it fine. But he's clearly not handling it fine. He fell asleep in the middle of our conversation and didn't even realize it until I woke him up. We got into a pretty big argument about it.

I told him that I'd rather split all our expenses 50 to 50. and do cheaper activities than watch him work himself into the ground. He said that wasn't an option for him and that I needed to trust him to handle his own problems. I said that his problems were affecting our relationship and his health, which made them my problems too. The argument ended with him saying he needed space to think, which usually means he wants me to drop the subject. But I can't drop this.

Watching someone you care about destroy their health to avoid accepting help is incredibly frustrating and heartbreaking. I've been doing some math, and the numbers don't even make sense. If he's making maybe $15 to $20 an hour at the restaurant job and working 20 to 25 hours a week there, that's probably $300 to $500 extra per week before taxes. That's decent money, but it's not worth sacrificing his health and well-being for, especially when I could easily cover my share of our expenses. I've tried talking to him about this several times since Saturday. but he keeps insisting that he's fine and that this is temporary. He won't commit to a specific timeline for when he'll quit the second job,

and he won't agree to let me take on a bigger share of our expenses to make it unnecessary. I'm starting to feel like I'm in a relationship with someone who sees me as a burden to be provided for rather than a partner who can contribute. It's not the dynamic I want, and it's not sustainable for either of us. I don't know what to do. I love him a lot and I understand that his child, childhood experiences shape these beliefs, but I can't watch him destroy his health over this. I also can't force him to accept help or change his mindset if he's not ready to.

I'm not sure if I should give him an ultimatum about the second job, or if that would just make him more defensive. Comment 1, I'm confused about how you didn't notice he was working a second job. Wouldn't his schedule have been obviously different? How was he hiding 20 plus hours of work per week from you? Op response, I feel pretty stupid about this. There were definitely signs that I either missed or rationalized away. He'd often say he was tired from work or had to stay late at the office, and I just accepted

it because his job does sometimes require overtime for emergencies. He was also getting home later on certain nights, but he explained it as traffic or stopping by the gym or running errands. Since we don't live together, I wasn't tracking his daily schedule that closely. The restaurant job was mostly evening shifts, he'd work his regular job until five, then go straight to the restaurant from six to eleven or seven midnight on Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday. On those nights, he'd just say he was too tired to hang out or that he had early meetings the next day. Also, he's always been someone who needs a lot of alone time to recharge, so when he said he needed quiet nights at home, that seemed normal for his personality. The biggest red flag that I ignored was how exhausted he always seemed, but again, I attributed that to his regular job being stressful rather than him working 65 to 70 hours a week.

Comment 2, your boyfriend needs therapy, not an ultimatum. This level of compulsive providing behavior is a trauma response, and until he deals with the underlying issues, he's just going to find new ways to avoid accepting help. Working two jobs is just the latest version of the same problem you've been dealing with all along. Op response, I brought up therapy again, more directly this time, and he's been resistant, but not completely dismissive. He says he doesn't want to make his problems into a big psychological thing, but I think he's starting to understand that this is bigger than just a disagreement about who pays for dinner. The challenge is that he's so exhausted from working two jobs that he barely has time to sleep, let alone add therapy appointments to his schedule.

Comment three, have you considered talking to his mom or sister about this? I know that might feel like overstepping, but if this behavior is rooted in his childhood experiences, maybe they could provide some insight or help him understand that he's misinterpreting what being a good partner means. Op response, I've thought about reaching out to his family, but I'm hesitant for a few reasons. First, he's very private about our relationship issues, and I think he'd feel betrayed if I went behind his back to talk to his mom or sister about our problems. Second, I'm not sure his family would be helpful in this situation.

His mom struggled financially as a single parent, and she might actually reinforce his beliefs about men needing to provide rather than challenge them. From the few conversations I've had with her, she seems to appreciate that he's taking good care of me, which suggests she might see his behavior as positive rather than problematic. His sister is closer to our age and might be more understanding, but again, I don't know her well enough to predict how she'd react. I think at this point, any intervention needs to come from a neutral third party like a therapist rather than from family members who might have their own complicated feelings about money and relationships based on their shared

childhood experiences. Final update, I wasn't planning to post another update so soon. On Tuesday, my boyfriend collapsed at his day job. His co-worker called me from his phone because I'm listed as his emergency contact. When I got to the hospital, they told me he'd passed out at his desk and hit his head on the way down. They were keeping him for observation because of the head injury, but the main issue was severe dehydration and exhaustion. The doctor was pretty blunt about it. She said his blood work showed signs of chronic sleep deprivation and stress, and that his body basically just shut down. She asked about his work schedule, and when I told her he'd been working two jobs and getting five to six hours of sleep for two

months, she said it was amazing he hadn't collapsed sooner. Seeing him in that hospital bed was terrifying. He looked so small and exhausted, and he kept apologizing to me for causing trouble. Even after literally collapsing from overwork, his first concern was that I'd had to leave work to come to the hospital and that the medical bills would be expensive. We had a long conversation while he was recovering. I told him that I couldn't watch him destroy his health anymore, and that something had to change immediately. I said I understood his feelings about providing, but that his current approach was hurting both of us and could have killed him. For the first time since I've known him, he didn't argue with me about it. I think the collapse scared him as much as it scared me.

He said he'd been feeling dizzy and having headaches for weeks but didn't want to admit he couldn't handle the schedule. He also admitted that he'd been making serious mistakes at both jobs because he was so tired, and that he was worried about getting fired from his main job. The doctor recommended he take at least a week off work to recover, and she strongly advised against continuing to work two jobs. She said that level of sleep deprivation was dainable. and that his body needed time to recover from months of chronic stress. When we got home from the hospital, he called the restaurant and quit the second job immediately.

He was clearly anxious about it, I could see his hands shaking while he made the call, but he did it. He told his manager that he had a family emergency and couldn't continue working there. We've spent the past week having a lot of difficult but necessary conversations about money, our relationship, and what needs to change going forward. He's agreed to let me take over paying for all our activities until he gets back on his feet financially and physically. He's also agreed to split our expenses 50 to 50 going forward, though I can tell it's still hard for him.

The first time I paid for our groceries after he got out of the hospital, he had what I can only describe as a mild panic attack. His breathing got shallow, he started sweating, and he kept apologizing and saying he felt like he was failing me. I had to sit with him in the car for about 15 minutes until he calmed down. It was really eye-opening to see how deep this anxiety goes for him. We've been taking things very slowly. I'm handling all the finances right now while he recovers,

and we're doing a lot of free activities like walking around our neighborhood or watching movies at home. He's still getting anxious when I pay for things, but he's not fighting me about it anymore, which feels like he's also finally agreed to start therapy. I helped him find a therapist who specializes in trauma and anxiety. His first appointment is next week. I think the collapse was a wake-up call that this isn't something he can just power through on his own.

The financial situation is improving. Without the second job, he's not making extra money, but he's also not spending money on gas and food for work, and his stress levels have decreased significantly. I have paid off the credit card debt and while he protested, I told him it's either this or I'm going to leave to which he finally accepted it. I want to thank everyone who commented on my previous posts. A lot of you predicted that this situation would escalate if we didn't address the underlying issues, and unfortunately, you were right.

But your advice about therapy and about this being a trauma response rather than just stubbornness really helped me approach the situation with more understanding and patience. I'll probably update again in a few months after he's been in therapy for a while, and we've had more time to work on these issues together. But for now, I'm just grateful that he's okay and that we're finally moving in the right direction.