Reddit Stories - PARTNER was COVERTLY taking out large AMOUNTS of money from our shared account

Episode Date: July 22, 2025

#redditstories #askreddit #aita #relationships #moneyissues #trust #partnership #financialconflictSummary: PARTNER was COVERTLY taking out large AMOUNTS of money from our shared account, causing tension and mistrust. The situation escalated as secrets were revealed, leading to a difficult decision on how to address the betrayal.Tags: redditstories, askreddit, reddit, aita, tifu, relationships, moneyissues, trust, partnership, financialconflict, secrets, betrayal, financialdispute, deception, personalfinance, communication, conflictresolution, financialtransparency, financialtrust, financialsecurityBecome a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/reddit-stories--6237355/support.

I hope you enjoy this story. Partner was covertly taking out large amounts of money from our shared account every other week and deceiving me about its destination until I eventually confronted them and found out the truth. Giving it to someone. I, 30F, have been with my boyfriend Justin, 32M, for three years, living together for the past year and a half. We opened a joint checking account eight months ago specifically for shared expenses for rent, $1,400,000. per month, utilities, usually $180 to $220, groceries, and household items. We each contribute $1,100 monthly to this account, which should more than cover our shared costs. For the past

three months, I've noticed our joint account balance has been consistently lower than expected. When I finally sat down to review the statements properly, I found Justin has been making cash withdrawals of $300 to $400 every two weeks, all. always on Fridays, always from the same ATM near his work. The memo line always says groceries when I ask him about it. Here's the thing, we don't have $600 to $800 worth of groceries every month. Our actual grocery spending, when I shop or when we shop together, is maybe $320 to $400 monthly. Our pantry isn't overflowing, our freezer isn't packed, and we're not eating significantly

better than before. I've been doing most of the grocery shopping anyway because I work from home and have more flexible hours. I've asked Justin about it twice in the past month. First time, he said he'd been picking up lunch for coworkers and would get reimbursed, never happened. Second time, he said he was buying groceries from a different store that had better prices and buying in bulk, but again, no evidence of bulk purchases anywhere. Last Friday, I decided to check the ATM location on Google Maps. It's not near any grocery stores, it's in a strip mall with a laundromat, a cell phone repair shop, and a small restaurant.

The nearest grocery store is 0.8 miles away. Yesterday, I confronted him directly with the bank statements printed out. I told him I knew he wasn't buying groceries and I needed to know where our money was going. He got defensive immediately, said I was tracking his every move and that he didn't need to justify every purchase. When I pointed out this was our shared money for shared expenses, he said he was contributing to our household and left for his friend's place. He's been texting me saying I'm being controlling and that he's allowed to make purchases without interrogating him.

But I feel like I'm being reasonable, this is our money for our expenses, and $1,200 to $1,600 over three months is a significant amount that's clearly not going toward what he claims. His behavior is really out of character. Justin has never been secretive about money before, and we've always been pretty open about our finances. He makes $52,000 annually, I make $48,000. We're both pretty budget conscious normally. Ida for demanding to know where this money is really going. Edit, some people are asking about our individual.

accounts, yes, we both maintain separate personal accounts for our own discretionary spending. The joint account was specifically set up for shared household expenses only. Comment one, joint account means joint transparency. $1,200 plus over three months isn't pocket change, and his explanations don't add up. The fact that he's getting defensive instead of just explaining flag. You have every right to know where shared money is going. Op reply, that's exactly how I feel. We specifically set up this account with the understanding that it was for transparent shared expenses.

If he needed money for something personal, he has his own account for that. The defensiveness is what's really bothering me because it's so unlike him. Comment two, have you considered that he might be dealing with something embarrassing? Like a gambling problem, that you don't know about, or helping someone financially that he doesn't want to tell you about. The regular withdrawals and defensive behavior suggests something more than just grocery shopping. I'll reply, I've considered all of those possibilities, which is honestly why I'm so worried. Justin doesn't gamble, he thinks it's a waste of money and always complains about his co-workers who buy lottery tickets. As for debt, we were pretty open about our financial situations before moving in together.

He had about $8,000 in student loans left, which he's been paying off normally through automobes, payments from his personal account. The helping someone financially angle is possible, but I can't think of who. He's not close with his coworkers, definitely not $400 every two weeks close, and he's mentioned before that he doesn't have much family. His parents died in a car accident when he was 19, and he's never mentioned siblings. He has a few close friends from college, but they all seem to be doing okay financially. Comment three, have you considered just following him on one of these Friday withdrawals. I know it sounds extreme, but if he won't tell you the truth, maybe you need to find out for yourself. Off reply, I've thought about it,

but I don't want to become the person who's following their partner around. I'd rather end the relationship than to babysit someone. I understand why you're suggesting it. The mystery is driving me crazy too. Update, original post is in my history. After Justin, came back from his friend's place, I told him we needed to have a serious conversation about our relationship and that I couldn't continue living together if he wasn't going to be honest about our shared finances. I wasn't trying to give him an ultimatum, but I was honest that the lying was more concerning to me than whatever he was actually spending the money on.

He sat quiet for about ten minutes, then completely broke down crying. I've never seen Justin cry before in three years together, he's usually very composed. It turns out he has a younger brother, Scott, who's 28 and has been homeless for the past two years. Scott is a military veteran who served two tours in Afghanistan and came back with severe PTSD. After their parents died, I knew about this but didn't know Justin had a brother. Justin was Scott's only family support system. Scott was struggling to readjust a civilian life and ended up losing his apartment about two years ago when he couldn't hold down a job due to his PTSD symptoms.

Justin has been giving Scott $300 to $400 to $400 every two weeks to help him survive on the streets. The money goes toward food, occasional motel rooms when the weather is bad, clean clothes, phone service, and other basic necessities. Justin meets him every Friday after work at different locations around the city, the ATM I found is just one of several spots where they meet. The reason Justin never told me about Scott is because he's deeply ashamed of not being able to do more to help his brother, and he was worried I'd think less of his family or try to convince him to stop giving Scott money. Justin has tried multiple times to get Scott into shelters or VA programs, but Scott refuses most help because his PTSD makes it difficult for him to trust institutions or stay in confined spaces with lots of people. Justin showed me some text messages between them. Scott seems coherent and grateful, but also very proud and resistant to accepting more structured help. He usually asks for specific amounts for specific things, need $60 for food this week or

motel room is $85 tonight, it's supposed to rain. He's never asked for money for alcohol or drugs, and Justin says he's never seen Scott under the influence when they meet. I feel terrible that Justin has been carrying this burden alone for two years. He's been giving Scott about $800 monthly, which is a significant portion of his income. Before we moved and together, this money was coming from his personal account, but after we set up the joint account, it was easier for him to withdraw from there since he was contributing less to his personal account. Justin apologized over and over for lying to me. He said he wanted to tell me but was scared I'd either think he was being taken advantage of or that I'd want him to cut Scott off. He also said he was embarrassed

that his only remaining family member was homeless and he couldn't fix the situation. We talked for about three hours. I told Justin I understood why he felt he couldn't tell me, but that I wished he had trusted me enough to share this burden. I also said that if we're going to build a life together, we need to be honest about major financial commitments like this, especially when they affect our shared resources. Moving forward, we've made some changes. 1. Justin will continue supporting Scott, but the money will come from his personal account,

not our joint account. We're adjusting our joint account contributions so Justin puts in $700 instead of $1,100, and I'll cover the difference in our shared expenses for now. 2. Justin is going to be more honest with me about how Scott is doing and well. there are ways I can help. Three, we're going to research VA resources and local programs that might be better suited for veterans with PTSD who resist traditional shelters.

I asked Justin if I could meet Scott sometime, when Scott feels comfortable with it. Justin said he'd ask, but that Scott is very wary of new people and might not be ready for that yet. Honestly, I'm relieved that this wasn't gambling, drugs, or an affair. I'm sad that Justin felt he couldn't trust me with something this important, but I understand why he was scared to tell me. This is a complicated situation without easy answers. Comment 1. This is actually really heartbreaking. Your boyfriend has been trying to keep his brother alive for two years while dealing with grief from losing his parents.

The fact that he was ashamed to tell you shows how much he cares about your opinion of him. You handled this really well. Awp reply, Justin has been dealing with survivors' guilt about his parents' death, worry about his brother's safety, and the financial strain of supporting Scott, all while trying to maintain a normal relationship with me. I can't imagine the stress he's been under. I just wish he had felt safe enough to tell me sooner so I could have been supportive instead of suspicious. I've been thinking about it more, and I realize Justin was probably protecting Scott too.

Scott doesn't know me, and Justin might have worried that telling me would somehow put Scott at risk or make him feel exposed. Veterans with PTSD often have trust issues, and Justin was probably trying to respect that. Comment two, have you looked into HUDVSH vouchers? It's a program specifically for homeless veterans that combines rental assistance with case management services. The waiting lists can be long, but it might be worth getting Scott on the list now. Also, some VA medical centers have specialized PTSD programs that work specifically with homeless veterans.

Op reply, I hadn't heard of HUDVSH vouchers, but I looked them up after your comment and they sound like exactly what Scott might need. The combination of housing assistance with mental health support seems ideal for a situation. I shared this information with Justin, and he's going to research the application process and waiting lists in our area. Justin mentioned that Scott has been to the VA Medical Center before but had bad experiences with crowded waiting rooms and feeling rushed during appointments.

But you're right that there might be specialized programs that are better designed for veterans who've had negative experiences with traditional healthcare settings. We're going to compile a list of different options and see if any of them might work better for Scott. Comment three, it sounds like Scott has agoraphobia or severe social anxiety on top of his PTSD. That's actually pretty common for combat veterans. Your boyfriend might want to look into mobile outreach programs.

Some cities have vans services that bring medical and mental health services directly to homeless individuals where they are, rather than requiring them to come to a facility. Op reply, Justin has mentioned that Scott gets very uncomfortable in crowded or enclosed spaces, which definitely fits. Scott seems to do better with outdoor meetings and familiar locations, which makes sense if he's dealing with hypervigilance and needs to feel like he has escape routes. I looked up mobile outreach programs in our city and found two organizations that specifically work with homeless veterans. One of them has a van that parks in

different locations throughout the week and provides basic medical care, mental health screening, and help with VA paperwork. They don't require appointments and let people approach when they feel ready. I think this kind of low pressure, meet them where their approach might be more appealing to Scott than going to a traditional clinic. Update 2, previous updates in my post history. Thanks again to everyone who offered resources and support. Last month, Justin asked Scott if he'd be comfortable meeting me, and Scott agreed under specific conditions. Outdoors, during daylight, and Justin had to be there the whole time. We met at a public park on a Wednesday afternoon when it wasn't too crowded. Scott is noticeably thinner than Justin,

but you can tell their brothers, same dark hair and build. He was polite but very quiet at first, and he positioned himself so he could see all the entrances to the area where we were sitting. He shook my hand but didn't make much eye contact initially. What surprised me was how intelligent Scott is. Once he warmed up a bit, he talked about books he'd been reading, he gets them from the library, current events, and even ask thoughtful questions about my work.

He's clearly well-educated and thoughtful, which made his current situation even more heartbreaking. Scott served as an Army combat medic for six years, including two deployments to Afghanistan. He was responsible for treating wounded soldiers in active combat zones, which means he saw horrific injuries and death regularly while also being targeted by enemy fire. Scott's PTSD symptoms include severe hypervigilance, insomnia, panic attacks, and what he described as trust issues with authority figures. He's been to the VA several times but said the bureaucracy and wait times made his anxiety worse. He tried group therapy once but left after the first session because being in a room with other traumatized veterans was overwhelming rather

than helpful. The reason Scott refuses shelter services isn't just pride, it's because most shelters have rules and structures that trigger his PTSD. Mandatory check-in times, shared sleeping quarters, restrictions on personal belongings, and staff members he doesn't know all make him feel trapped and unsafe. He stayed in shelters during particularly bad weather, but never for more than a night or two. Scott has been sleeping in various locations around the city, sometimes in 24-hour laundromats, sometimes in his old car, which barely runs, and when he has money, in cheap motels. He showers at the YMCA when he can afford a day pass, and he uses the public library for internet access and a warm place to spend daytime hours.

During our conversation, Scott mentioned that he'd been thinking about trying some form of treatment again, but was worried about finding something that wouldn't make his symptoms worse. I brought up some of the mobile outreach programs that people had suggested in my previous posts, and he seemed genuinely interested in learning more about them. Justin has been researching different treatment options for months. He found a non-profit organization called Veterans Community Connection. that specifically works with combat veterans who have had negative experiences with traditional VA services.

They offer individual therapy with therapists who are combat veterans themselves, and they have a program that helps veterans transition from homelessness to independent living at their own pace. The program Justin found has several components, individual therapy with therapists who are also combat veterans, gradual housing assistance, starting with transitional housing where veterans have their own rooms and more autonomy than traditional shelters, job training, and placement services specifically for veterans. Ongoing case management that focuses on veteran-led decision-making. Scott was interested but hesitant about the cost.

The program isn't fully covered by VA benefits, and the full program costs about $8,000 over six months. Veterans can get partial VA reimbursement for some components, but there's still a significant out-of-pocket cost of around $4,500. Justin immediately said he wanted to pay for it, but Scott was resistant to accepting that much money. They've been having ongoing conversations about it for the past few weeks. Scott wants to contribute something toward the cost himself, even though he doesn't have

stable income. I've been thinking about this situation a lot since meeting Scott. He's clearly intelligent and capable, and with the right support, he could probably rebuild his life. But he needs treatment that's designed for his specific trauma and trust issues, not a one-size-fits-all approach. I told Justin I'd be willing to contribute toward Scott's treatment costs too, if Scott would be comfortable accepting help from me. It's a significant amount of money, but it's potentially life-changing for Scott, and I can see how much stress Justin has been under trying to handle this alone. We haven't made any final decisions yet, but we're all

planning to meet again next week to discuss the treatment program in more detail. Scott wants to visit the facility and talk to some of the staff before committing to anything. People are flaming me in the comments telling that why I didn't invite Scott to live with us. Honestly, both me and Justin have tried multiple times but Scott doesn't want to bother us with his problems. Comment 1, Veterans Community Connection sounds like exactly what Scott needs. The fact that the therapists are combat veterans themselves is huge, they'll understand his experiences in a way that civilian therapists might not.

The cost is significant but honestly seems reasonable for six months of specialized treatment. Aw, reply, that's exactly what impressed me about the program. Scott mentioned during our conversation that one of his biggest frustrations with previous therapy attempts was feeling like he had to spend time explaining military culture and combat experiences to therapists who had no frame of reference. The idea of working with someone who's been through similar experiences and understands the specific challenges of transitioning from military to civilian life seems like it could make a huge difference. The cost breakdown Justin Got shows that about $3,000 goes toward the transitional housing, which gives Scott his own room

and access to kitchen facilities, $2,500 toward individual therapy sessions, twice weekly for six months, $1,500 toward job training and placement services, and $1,000 toward ongoing case management. When you break it down like that, it's actually a comprehensive package of services that would normally cost much more if you were paying for each component separately. Comment 2, I'm a combat veteran myself and I want to say that what you and Justin are doing for Scott is incredible. A lot of us come back with issues that make it hard to accept help, but having family who understand and don't give up on us makes all the difference. The fact that Scott is even considering treatment shows how much Justin's support is meant to him.

I'll reply, it really helps me understand Scott's situation better. Justin mentioned that Scott has talked about feeling like he failed somehow by not being able to just get over his experiences and move on with his life like some other veterans he knows. I think Scott puts a lot of pressure on himself to be strong and independent, which makes accepting help feel like admitting defeat. But you're right that Justin's consistent support has been crucial. Even when Scott was refusing other types of help, Justin never gave up on him or stopped showing up every week. I think that reliability and unconditional support has probably been what kept Scott going during his darkest periods. Now that Scott is considering treatment,

I want to make sure he knows that accepting help isn't a sign of weakness. It's actually a really brave step toward getting his life back. Comment three, have you considered setting up a formal plan for how Scott could contribute to his own treatment costs? Even if it's a small amount, it might help him feel more invested in the process and less like he's accepting charity. Maybe he could commit to paying back a portion over time once he's stable and employed. Op reply, Scott did mention wanting to contribute something himself.

And I think you're right that having some financial stake in the process. might help him feel more motivated rather than dependent. When we meet next week, I'm going to suggest that we work out a plan where Scott pays maybe from odd jobs or his small disability payments, and he can pay us back whatever amount feels manageable once he's working. The program Justin found actually has a track record of helping veterans find employment. They report that about 60% of program graduates are employed within three months of completion. So it's reasonable to think that Scott could start paying us back.

relatively quickly if he wants to. But I want to make sure any repayment plan is flexible and doesn't create additional stress for him. Comment 4, just want to point out that you're going above and beyond here. Not many partners would be willing to contribute thousands of dollars to help their boyfriend's brother, especially someone they just met. Scott is lucky to have both of you in his corner. Op reply, I appreciate that. Before I met him, I was thinking about this primarily in terms of how it affected my relationship with Justin. But after talking with Scott and understanding what he's been through, it became clear that this isn't just about helping Justin's brother,

it's about helping someone who served our country and came back with wounds that aren't visible but are just as real as physical injuries. Update 3. Previous updates in my history. Thank you to everyone who has been following Scott's story and offering support and resources. Scott decided to enroll in the Veterans Community Connection. program after visiting their facility twice and talking extensively with their intake coordinator, who is also a combat veteran. What ultimately convinced him was meeting two program graduates who shared their experiences and showed him that it was possible to get better while maintaining

independence and dignity. The program started three weeks ago, and Scott is currently in the transitional housing phase. He has his own furnished room in a building with six other veterans, shared kitchen and common areas, but no mandatory group activities or strict curfews. There's a staff member on site 24 to 7, but they're trained to give resident space and only intervene when specifically asked for help. Scott's daily schedule includes individual therapy sessions twice a week, one group session per week, which took in two weeks to work up to attending and various optional activities like job skills workshops, financial planning classes and recreational outings. He's also working with a case manager to address practical

issues like getting his ID documents updated, applying for additional VA benefits he wasn't receiving, and dealing with some old debts that had gone to collections. The financial arrangement we worked out is that Justin and I are covering the $4,500 out-of-pocket cost up front, and Scott is contributing $150 monthly from his disability payments plus whatever he can earn from part-time work once he's ready. The program allows residents to work part-time after their first month, and they help with job placement through partnerships with veteran-friendly employers in the area. Justin is contributing $2,500 and I'm contributing $2,000. For me, this means cutting back on some discretionary spending and using most of my emergency fund, but it feels like the right

thing to do. For Justin, it means he's basically living paycheck to paycheck for the next few months, but he says it's worth it to finally see Scott getting professional help. Scott was initially uncomfortable with me contributing money, but I explained that I wanted to do this not just to help Justin, but because I believe in Scott's potential to rebuild his life. We agreed that once Scott is working full-time, he'll pay us back whatever amount feels manageable, there's no pressure or timeline.

So far, Scott seems to be adjusting well to the program. He called Justin last week to say that his therapist, a former Marine who also dealt with PTSD after combat deployment, is helping him understand his triggers and develop coping strategies that actually work for his specific symptoms. He's also been sleeping better in his own room than he has in years. The program includes family therapy sessions, and Justin had his first session with Scott and their therapist last week. Justin said it was emotionally difficult but helpful, they talked about their parents' death,

how that trauma affected both of them, and how Justin's well-meaning efforts to fix Scott's problems sometimes made Scott feel more ashamed of his struggles. I haven't been included in family therapy yet, but Scott asked if I'd be willing to attend the session in a few weeks. His therapist thinks it could be helpful for Scott to practice building trust with new people in a controlled environment, and Scott specifically requested that I be the first new person he tries this with. We've also learned more about Scott's situation before he became homeless. After his military service, he tried college on the GI Bill but struggled with concentration and social anxiety. He worked several jobs but had difficulty

with supervisors and quit or was fired multiple times due to conflicts that were likely related to his trust issues and hypervigilance. He was eventually evicted from his apartment when he couldn't hold down steady employment. Scott has been carrying a lot of shame about failing at civilian in life, especially since Justin seemed to transition successfully after their parents' death. The therapist is helping Scott understand that his struggles weren't personal failures but symptoms of untreated trauma, and that seeking help now is actually a sign of strength. The job training component of the program focuses on positions that might be good fits for veterans with PTSD. Scott is particularly interested in learning IT skills, since he's always

been good with computers and that kind of work would allow him some work freedom. One unexpected development is that Scott has started volunteering at the local animal shelter on weekends. Apparently, interacting with animals is therapeutic for him and doesn't trigger his social anxiety the way interacting with people does. Overall, Scott still has bad days, and this is clearly going to be a long process, but he's engaging with treatment and seems hopeful about his future for the first time in two years. Comment 1. This is such a positive update. It sounds like you found exactly the right program for Scott, something that treats him like

an adult who can make his own decisions rather than a problem to be managed. The fact that he's volunteering with animals shows he's starting to rebuild his confidence and sense of purpose. Op reply, that seems to be the key difference from his previous experiences with VA services. The animal shelter volunteering was actually Scott's own idea. He mentioned to his therapist that he missed having a sense of purpose and feeling needed, which were big parts of his identity when he was a medic. Working with animals gives him that feeling of being helpful and protective. Comment two, the financial arrangement you worked out sounds really fair and thoughtful.

How is Justin handling the financial stress of contributing so much? Op reply, Justin is definitely feeling the financial strain, but he says it's manageable because he finally has hoped that. this situation will improve. Before Scott entered the program, Justin was spending $800 monthly indefinitely with no clear end in sight. Now he's made a larger up-front investment, but there's a realistic timeline for Scott to become self-sufficient. We've adjusted our household budget to account for both of our reduced personal spending money. I'm cooking at home more often, we're not going out to restaurants or movies as much, and Justin has picked up some weekend overtime shifts when available. It's tight, but we both feel like we're investing in something meaningful rather

than just throwing money at a problem with no solution. Final update, I can't believe it's been two years since my original post about the mysterious ATM withdrawals. For anyone just finding this story, previous updates are in my post history. Scott graduated from the Veterans Community Connection program 18 months ago and has been living independently since then. The transition wasn't completely smooth, he had a few setbacks and had to extend his time in transitional housing by two months, but he successfully completed all components of the program. Scott now works as a network security specialist for a government contractor that specifically recruits veterans. He started part-time during his last month in the program and transition to full-time employment

six weeks after graduation. His job allows him to work remotely most days, with only one required office day per week. He's been living in his own one-bedroom apartment for 14 months now. It's a small place about 20 minutes from Justin and me, but it's clean, safe, and affordable on his salary. Scott has paid Justin and me back the full $4,500 we contributed to his treatment program. He insisted on paying us back ahead of schedule, even though we told him there was no rush. He made payments of $300 to $400 monthly for 15 months. until the debt was cleared. He said being able to repay us was important for his sense of independence and self-respect. Justin's relationship with Scott has evolved significantly.

They now text regularly and have dinner together every few weeks, but Justin is no longer Scott's primary support system or financial lifeline. The animal shelter volunteering turned into a part-time job for a while. Scott worked there on weekends during his first year of independent living, and he's now fostering a retired military working dog named Ranger who was having difficulty being placed due to behavioral issues related to his service experience. Scott says Ranger understands him in ways that humans don't, and taking care of Ranger gives him a sense of purpose beyond his regular work. Justin and I also got engaged eight months ago and are planning our wedding for next spring.

Scott will be Justin's best man, which would have been unimaginable when I first discovered those ATM withdrawals. Scott has also become a genuine friend to me, and he's helped me with some computer issues at my job. He's funny, intelligent, and thoughtful, and I'm grateful to have him as part of our family. Our joint finances are completely transparent now. We learned our lesson about the importance of honest communication about money, even when the circumstances are complicated or embarrassing.

We've also both gotten better at asking for help when we need it rather than trying to handle major stresses alone. I wanted to post this final update because I know there are other people dealing with similar situations with family members who are struggling with PTSD, homelessness, or addiction. Sometimes the right program and support system can make all the difference, but it takes time, patience, and often significant financial investment. Scott's success story took more than four years of professional treatment, family support, and his own hard work to achieve.