Reddit Stories - PARTNER'S close male friend FREQUENTLY MESSAGES her and makes sly comments about my

Episode Date: November 1, 2025

#redditstories #askreddit #aita #relationships #friendship #communication #boundaries #jealousySummary: My partner's close male friend frequently messages her and makes sly comments about me. I feel uncomfortable and unsure how to address the situation without causing tension in their friendship.Tags: redditstories, askreddit, reddit, aita, tifu, relationships, friendship, communication, boundaries, jealousy, partner, male friend, messages, sly comments, discomfort, tensionBecome a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/reddit-stories--6237355/support.

I hope you enjoy this story. Partners close male friend frequently messages her and make sly comments about my inadequacy as a partner, so I informed her that he clearly harbors romantic feelings for her and she became aware of the situation. Mad at me for being paranoid, but what happened next proved I was right all along. I, 28M, have been dating my girlfriend Jess 26F for three years. Our relationship has been really good overall, we get along great. communicate well, and I genuinely see a future with her. The only consistent source of tension has been her best friend Alex, 27M.

Jess and Alex have been close since college, long before I came into the picture. I've tried my best to be cool with their friendship, but over time I've started feeling like something is off. Jess has a pretty wide circle of friends and I get along with all of them, except Alex. He's the only one who really bothers me. To give some context, when Jess and I first started dating, I noticed Alex was around a lot. At first, I figured he was just a protective friend making sure I was a decent guy, that's normal. But even after it was clear that Jess and I were serious, Alex kept inserting himself into her life constantly.

He texts her all the time. I'm not exaggerating, morning, afternoon, night, he'll message her about random little things from their day or inside jokes from years ago. If she mentioned something like a job interview or even a dentist appointment, he'll remember to ask her about it, sometimes even before I do. It's like he keeps a calendar of her life events. I found it a bit odd, but I brushed it off initially as him just being an unusually attentive friend. What really started bugging me were the subtle digs and comments Alex would make about me,

often when Jess wasn't around, but sometimes even in front of her. For example, one time I joked in front of our friends about messing up a dinner I made, and Alex chimed in with something like, Good thing Jess can cook for herself, huh? It was framed as a joke, but it definitely felt like a dig at me. Over the next couple of years, there were countless little things like that. If I forgot a small detail about Jess's preferences, Alex would be the first to remind me, and not so subtly imply I was a bad boyfriend for not knowing. One time I planned a surprise birthday dinner for Jess and coordinated with her roommate to get her to the restaurant. Alex knew about the plan, the roommate looped him in, since he's part of the friend group,

and he actually reminded me to order Jess's favorite cake, some specialty flavor she loves. I appreciated the heads up, but the way he did it rubbed me wrong. It came off less like a friendly suggestion and more like he was the one who really knows her best. I felt like an outsider being coached by the guy who truly gets her. Alex also has this habit of questioning whether I treat Jess right. For example, if Jess mentions to him that I had to work late and cancel our movie night, Alex will immediately respond with, Wow, he cancelled on you. That sucks.

You deserve someone who makes time for you. Jess usually defends me and says it was a one-time thing or unavoidable, but Alex always finds a way to plant a seat of doubt. It's never an outright your boyfriend is trash, but the undertone is there. When Jess and I have even minor disagreements, I can almost guarantee Alex will text or call her that same day to check in and offer a sympathetic ear. It's uncanny.

We don't publicly announce our arguments, so either she's venting to him or he just has a sixth sense for when we're not on good terms. For instance, a couple months ago, Jess and I had a small argument about me spending too much time on work projects. That evening, Alex sent her a silly meme about deserving to be treated like a queen and followed up with, You OK? I'm here if you need to talk, you know I got you. Maybe that doesn't sound terrible on its own, but in context with everything else, it felt like he was waiting for an opening to play the support of White Knight. I've tried to be understanding because I know Jess values Alex's

friendship. I don't want to be the controlling boyfriend who dictates who she can or can't hang out with. Plus, Jess has other guy friends and I have zero issues with them. The difference is, those friends respect boundaries. With Alex, I feel like I'm in a silent competition that I never agreed to. He seems to know exactly what he's doing. One particularly frustrating pattern I've noticed, and Jess is aware of this too, though she insists it's just coincidence, is how Alex's own dating life seems to revolve around hers. In the past, whenever Jess was single, Alex would also somehow end up single. Jess once told me about an ex she had before me.

Apparently when that ex and Jess broke up, Alex broke things off with his girlfriend around the same time and spent a ton of time with Jess to help her through it. She swears it was just friendly support. Then, when Jess and I got together, Alex magically started dating someone new within a month. It felt like he only got a girlfriend because Jess was off the market. That relationship of his fizzled out after maybe eight or nine months, and Alex hasn't had a serious girlfriend since. It's been over a year now that he's single, while Jess and I are happily together. I can't help but suspect he's intentionally keeping himself available for Jess.

He's had a few casual dates, from what I hear, Jess gives me occasional updates about his life, but nothing ever sticks, and he pours most of of his energy into being at Jess's Beck can call instead. Despite all these red flags to me, Jess has always defended Alex. If I point out something, she immediately takes his side. He's always been an amazing friend to me, you're reading it wrong. For the longest time I bit my tongue and tried to coexist with Alex for Jess's sake. I figured as long as he was just being a slightly overbearing friend, whatever, I trust Jess, and she chose to be with me.

But it's gotten harder and harder to ignore. I started feeling resentful that he gets a chunk of her time and emotional energy that normally a boyfriend would get. It's like he's a second boyfriend, except without any of the boundaries or commitments. The breaking point came last week. Jess and I had a minor disagreement, honestly, it was something trivial about our weekend plans. We'd scheduled a Saturday date together, but my boss asked me, last minute to come in for a few hours, so I wanted to push our plans to later in the afternoon.

Jess was a bit upset since she'd kept the whole day free for us. We eventually worked it out, I apologized and we agreed we'd still have a date night. It wasn't a huge fight or anything. But apparently Jess must have vented to Alex or he somehow found out we rescheduled. That same night, out of nowhere, Alex sent me a text directly. For context, we never took talk unless needed. We're not buddies, we just interact in group chats or in person. His text said, hey, I heard you bailed on plans with Jess for work. Everything cool between you two. You know she deserves to be prioritized, right? That pissed me off. It felt like a huge overstep for him to contact me about my own relationship as if he's some guardian angel of her happiness.

I replied something short along the lines of, we're fine and this really isn't your business, but thanks for your concern. I was fuming inside, but I didn't want to escalate things over text. After that incident, I finally sat down with Jess for a serious talk about Alex. I basically told her, as calmly and plainly as I could, that from my perspective, Alex is not just a platonic friend looking out for her. I said his behavior over the last few years shows that he's in love with her, or at least wants to be with her, and that I suspect he's actively trying to undermine our relationship.

I gave her all the examples, the constant need to one-up me in remembering details about her, the way he's always right there to play a perfect supportive friend whenever we have a conflict, and that inappropriate text he sent me basically implying I'm not treating her right. I told her it feels like Alex is waiting for me to fail so he can swoop in. Jess did not take this well. She immediately defended Alex, as expected. She accused me of being paranoid and jealous. She said, Alex has never tried anything, ever.

You're imagining it. He's just a really caring friend. I responded that even if he hasn't made a move, his behavior is way beyond normal friend territory. She was pretty angry that I was attacking her best friend. Her stance was that I was reading malice into completely innocent actions. She said something like, I've known Alex for years. He's like family to me. Just because he cares about me doesn't mean he's in love with me.

Why do you have to make it weird? The conversation got heated with her essentially insisting that I was inventing a problem due to my own insecurities. I backed off eventually because it was turning into a bigger fight between us, which wasn't my goal. I just wanted her to acknowledge what seems obvious to me. Instead, I ended up feeling like I was the bad guy for even saying it. Jess was really upset, and to be honest, I felt pretty lousy too. It's not a great feeling to have your girlfriend think you're attacking someone she cares about. Now things are a bit tense between us. Jess has been a little cold. since that talk, and I'm walking on eggshells, not wanting to bring it up again.

Part of me is frustrated as hell, and part of me is wondering if I really screwed up by confronting her with this. I seriously doubt myself even though I know what I see in Alex's behavior. So, Reddit, am I the asshole for telling my girlfriend that her best friend is obviously in love with her? I felt she needed a reality check, but now I'm second-guessing whether I handled it all wrong. Update 1, I want to thank everyone who weighed in on my original post. The general consensus was that I'm not the asshole for pointing out what I did.

It was validating and frankly a relief, to see that a lot of people saw the same red flags with Alex that I did. Jess didn't see the post, I never told her I wrote it, but our conflict over Alex was still happening. It's been a couple of weeks since that blow-up conversation where I told Jess I thought Alex was in love with her. We kind of agreed to disagree at the time and tried to move on, but there was definitely some underlying tension. We got back into our normal routine for the most part, when on a nice dinner date the following weekend and acted like everything was fine. I avoided mentioning Alex at all, and she didn't either. I could tell she wanted to pretend that argument never happened. Now on to what's happened since.

Last week, I had an out-of-town work trip scheduled from Friday through Sunday. I'd travel occasionally for my job, and this was a conference I had to attend. Jess knew about it well in advance. A few days before my trip, Jess mentioned that Alex had invited her to go with him to a cabin by a lake for that same weekend. According to her, Alex felt they hadn't hung out one-on-one in a while and thought a weekend getaway would be a fun way for them to reconnect as friends. Apparently the cabin belongs to Alex's family and he offered to drive her up there for a little mini-vigree. As soon as Jess brought this up, alarm bells were ringing in my head. A one-on-one weekend trip with her single best friend, conveniently while I'm out of town.

How is that not blatantly inappropriate? Jess framed it like Alex just wanted some platonic chill time in nature, and she actually asked me, you'd be okay with that, right? I tried my best to stay calm and honest. I told her no, I was absolutely not comfortable with that plan. I reminded her of the conversation we had about Alex's intentions. I said, look, I trust you, but I do not trust Alex alone with you for an entire weekend. This is exactly the kind of situation I was worried about.

I also asked why I wasn't invited or why this trip couldn't happen some other time when I was around. She said it was because I be away and she figured she'd be bored, and that this would be a chance for her and Alex to catch up like old times. That led to an argument. Jess felt I was trying to control her by forbidding a trip with a friend. I felt like I was just enforcing a reasonable boundary given the circumstances. I asked her, if the roles were reversed and I wanted to spend a weekend alone with a female friend who has a history of overstepping, wouldn't you be uncomfortable? She said that's different and insisted she knows nothing would happen and that I should trust her.

She kept repeating that Alex had no ulterior motive and I was turning something innocent into something ugly. I basically put my foot down. I told her flat out, I really don't want you to go on this trip. It doesn't sit right with me. I very rarely draw hard lines like that in our relationship, but this felt like common sense to me. Jess was not happy. She said she'd already told Alex she would go, and that backing out last minute would be letting him down. I said, seriously, you're more worried about disappointing Alex than about

how this makes me feel. Things got pretty heated. I did say something like, I can't physically stop you, but if you choose to go, don't expect me to be all smiles about it. Well, she went. Despite my strong objection, just decided to go on the trip with Alex. She left on Friday afternoon while I was literally mid-flight to my work conference. When I turned my phone on after landing, I saw a text from her saying, heading up now, talk to you later. I was upset, but being a few hundred miles away,

I couldn't exactly continue the argument. That weekend was rough for me. I was supposed to be focusing on work stuff, but my mind was completely elsewhere. I couldn't stop my mind from cycling through worst-case scenarios, like them getting too close or something happening between them. At the same time, I was really hurt that she went through with it knowing exactly how I felt. I did my best to stay occupied with the conference during the day, but at night back in my hotel I was just stewing in my thoughts.

I texted her a couple times to see how it was going, and her replies were short and generic, like the lake is pretty and all good here. I didn't press for details, I figured we'd talk when I got back. She returned from the trip Sunday evening, a few hours before I got home from the airport. I went straight to her place when I got back to town. As soon as I saw her, I could tell something was off. She was quiet, kind of distant. Usually when I come back from a trip, she's excited to see me, she'll hug me, ask about my flight, etc. This time she gave me a brief hug and avoided eye contact.

I asked how the weekend went. She said, it was fine, relaxing, in this flat tone. I tried to lighten the mood and joked, so, still think I was just being paranoid for worrying. She just sighed and said, I don't want to talk about that right now. I'm tired. That pretty much killed the conversation. The rest of that evening was awkward. We ordered takeout and watched a little TV, but she seemed a million.

miles away. I could tell she wasn't really present. Before I left that night, we don't live together, by the way, we stay over at each other's places a few nights a week, but we still have our own apartments. I told her that if something happened or if anything was bothering her, she could tell me. She just shook her head and said, I'm fine. I'm just tired from the drive. I went home feeling very uneasy. My gut was screaming that something had happened. My gut was screaming that something had happened on that trip, maybe not outright cheating, but at least some kind of confrontation or something. Her behavior just wasn't normal. You know when you can just tell your partner is holding something back. That's the vibe I got. At this point, I'm not sure how to

proceed. I want to support Jess if something did upset her on the trip, but I'm also kind of angry that she went in the first place and put us in this situation. I haven't pushed her for more info yet. I'm sort of hoping she'll open up to me when she's ready, but not knowing what really happened is driving me a little crazy. So that's where things stand after the infamous weekend trip. Jess is back home, but acting distant. I'm back home feeling uneasy, and Alex. Well, I have no idea what Alex is thinking because I haven't spoken to him. I hate this situation.

I'm trying to be patient and not jump to any wild conclusions, but it's hard. I'll update again if I learn more, because right now I feel like I'm in the dark. Update 2. It's been a few days since Jess got back from that trip, and unfortunately my intuition was right that something was up. I wasn't sure whether to post an update this soon, but a lot just went down. Since the weekend, Jess had still been pretty quiet and distant. We continued to hang out as usual, but there was this unspoken wall between us. I tried once or twice to gently ask if she wanted to talk about the trip or if something happened,

but she shut it down each time with, everything's fine. Let's not go over that again. So I let it drop, figuring she'd tell me in her own time if she needed to. Well, last night we were at Jess's apartment watching TV, and she got a call on her phone. I glanced at the screen and saw it was Alex. She gave me this quick, sort of nervous look and said, I'm just going to take this real quick, then stepped into her bedroom and shut the door halfway. I unmuted the TV and tried to mind my business at first.

But after a minute or two, I heard her voice getting louder like she was upset about something. I could only make out a few muffled bits, which obviously made me anxious. I ended up walking over towards the bedroom. The door was ajar, and I could hear her pretty clearly. She sounded upset, saying things like, This isn't fair, and, I can't believe you would. That definitely got my attention. Then I heard Alex's voice on speaker or just loud enough through the phone.

The first clear thing I caught him saying was, I've always wondered what if, you know? What if it was you and me together? I froze. He kept talking and I heard, he doesn't appreciate you like I do. I know you better than he ever will. At that point I wasn't about to listen quietly anymore. I pushed the door open.

Jess was sitting on the edge of the bed with the phone to her ear, and she was crying. She looked completely startled seeing me. On the phone I could hear Alex's voice going, Jess. Hello. Jess just said into the phone, I have to go, and hung up on him. For a few seconds we just stared at each other. other. Jess was crying, which I honestly didn't expect. Finally I said, so I guess I wasn't being paranoid after all. I know, not the most sensitive thing, but I was angry and in shock

from what I'd just heard. She broke down and said, I'm sorry. I should have told you. She was really upset. I sat down next to her and tried to stay calm, even though inside I was furious at Alex, and pretty upset in general. I asked her to please tell me what exactly was going on, both right now on this call and during that weekend trip, because obviously there was more to the story than I knew. Jess admitted that on the weekend trip, Alex basically confessed to her that he has feelings for her. Which, yeah, called it, she said at the cabin he started talking about how he's always cared

about her and wondered if they could ever be more than friends. According to her, she shut him down. She told him that she loves me and only sees him as a friend. I asked, is that why you were acting weird when you got back? She nodded and said she felt guilty and overwhelmed. She said she didn't tell me right away because she was afraid I'd be mad, or say I told you so, or even that I might break up with her for going on a trip in the first place. I was trying to process it myself, she said.

I didn't want to make you more angry after I'd already gone against your wishes by going. I did my best to bite my tongue on the hole I told you so thing. I did say, I wasn't trying to control you, I was trying to protect us. I saw this coming. She just kept saying, I know. You were right. I just didn't want to believe it about him. As for the phone call I walked in on, Jess said that Alex was trying to talk it out with her after she'd been avoid.

him for days. I hadn't realized it, but after coming home she apparently ignored a bunch of his texts and calls, not ready to deal with him. She finally answered him last night because, as she put it, I thought maybe he wanted to apologize or clear the air. Instead, Alex basically doubled down on his confession. That's when he started saying all that stuff I overheard, about how he's always wondered if they should have been together, and implying that I don't value her enough. Jess told me she was telling Alex that this was not okay and that he needed to stop, but he wasn't hearing it, and that's when I walked in. At this point, I'm incredibly angry at Alex.

Any benefit of the doubt I ever had is gone. Jess was friends with him for years, and he couldn't respect her boundaries or her relationship. He put her in a horrible position. Honestly, I'm also still a bit angry that Jess went on that trip and basically delivered herself into this situation despite my warning, but I kept that to myself for now, since she was already feeling guilty. We talked for a long while after that. There were a lot of tears on her end. She said she feels awful for not listening to me and for letting it get this far. She apologized for accusing me of being paranoid when I first brought it up. I told her I appreciated that,

and that I understand how hard it must have been for her to realize her best friend had crossed that line. I had to ask if he tried to push things further physically. Jess absolutely denied it and seemed offended I'd even think she'd let him. I have no reason not to believe her. By the end of this conversation, Jess and I were basically on the same page about Alex. She told me she's going to take a big step back from the friendship, at least for now. I told her that's for the best, frankly, from where I stand, he burned the bridge. She didn't disagree.

That said, she's also genuinely sad. She told me it feels like she's losing a friend who I thought would be in my life forever. I did my best to comfort her. I get that this is a huge betrayal for her, even if I saw it coming a mile away. Honestly, I feel like I was right in my concerns, but I'm trying hard not to gloat or do and I told you so victory lap. She's hurting, and the last thing she needs is me rubbing it in. I did make one thing clear, I'm not comfortable with her spending time with him anymore, under any circumstances. She understood that. I think, for the first time, she truly understands

where I was coming from. Edit, she also showed me her texts and stuff with him which I forgot to mention. Nothing criminal and out of place there. There are no gap message. There are no gap or messages that seemed out of place like being deleted. So yay, I trust her. Update 3, I didn't expect to be back with an update so soon, but here we are. It's the next day, and Jess ended up revealing one more piece of the story that she initially held back. Last night was emotionally exhausting for both of us.

I stayed over at Jess's place, and this morning we were having a calmer conversation over coffee. That's when Jess told me she needed to come clean about something. She admitted that during the weekend trip, when Alex confessed his feelings, he tried to kiss her as well. According to Jess, it happened on the first night at the cabin. They'd had a couple of drinks by a campfire, because of course a just friend's weekend involves sitting by a campfire, I had to roll my eyes at that. She said Alex started going on about how much their friendship meant to him and how he'd sometimes wondered if fate meant for them to be together. Jess says she was caught off guard and told him,

You're drunk, let's not do this. But Alex kept at it. And then he leaned in and tried to kiss her. That's when she pushed him away. She said she was completely in shock that he actually did that. After it happened, she went inside and basically stayed in her room the rest of the night, away from him. Things were so awkward and tense that she insisted they drive back.

home first thing Sunday morning, cutting the trip short. Hearing this, I was furious at Alex all over again. And I was also hurt that she hadn't told me this detail immediately. I asked her why she didn't mention the attempted kiss when we talked last night. She teared up and said she was ashamed, she felt guilty for even going on that trip and letting it reach that point, and she was afraid I'd think she cheated or that I'd never forgive her. She kept saying, I didn't kiss him. I would never do that to you. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you everything right away. I just.

I handled it badly, I reassured her that I do believe she didn't reciprocate anything. I could see how upset she was, she genuinely feels terrible about all of this. I told her I understood why it was hard to tell me, but that going forward I really need her to be fully honest, even about uncomfortable stuff. I emphasized that what upset me most wasn't her pushing him away, she did the right thing in the moment, it was that she kept it secret afterward. She acknowledged that and apologized again for not telling me the whole truth initially. I let it go because, at this point, I think she's doing everything she can to make things right. So, what now? Jess has decided to cut off contact with Alex, at least for the foreseeable future, honestly, I think it should be permanent. This morning, she actually blocked his number in his social media.

She's even drafting a message to formally end the friendship without meeting him in person, making it clear he disrespected her and our relationship and that she can't have him in her life anymore. Honestly, I'm feeling a lot better about us now than I was a week ago. The air is clear between Jess and me. She's reiterated multiple times that I'm the one she wants to be with and that she's sorry she ever doubted my judgment about Alex. Jess asked if I can forgive her for going on that trip and everything. I told her I was really hurt and angry at first, but I do forgive her because she ultimately did the right thing, she didn't cheat, she rejected him, and now she's removed him from our lives. That's what matters to me, and I want to move forward rather than dwell on how upset I was.

At this point, the only loose end is Alex. He hasn't realized yet that he's been blocked and essentially dumped as a friend. I won't be surprised if he causes some drama when he figures it out, and if he does, I'll let you all know. Update 4. Final, quick final update to wrap this up, Alex did not go quietly after being cut off. As expected, he found a way to get in some parting shots. Earlier today, Jess discovered a string of messages from him. He sent them via email, since he couldn't reach her by phone or text anymore. In these messages, Alex completely dropped the concerned friend act and was just outright nasty. He accused me of manipulating and controlling Jess, and claimed I'm forcing her to cut out her true

friends. He wrote things like, He's brainwashing you against Can't You See It? And, I know you better than he ever will. I've known you longer and I've always been there for you. Don't throw that away because some guy is telling you too. It was a whole mess of angry, delusional ranting along those lines. Reading his tirade made me simultaneously angry. He's calling me controlling and manipulative, when I wasn't the one trying to weasel my way into a taken woman's life.

And him insisting that he knows her better than I ever will is just laughable and kind of pathetic at this point. Jess showed me the emails, she didn't reply to him at all. She just shook her head and said, if I had any doubt I was done. doing the right thing cutting him off, this pretty much seals it. She's actually more angry than sad now. She said the part that really got to her was him implying that I'm making her do this, as if she can't think for herself. In his attempt to paint me as controlling, he basically insulted her by suggesting she's weak-minded. Anyway, Jess went ahead and blocked his email and any other way he might try to contact her. We're also actually planning a low-key weekend trip

together soon, just the two of us, of course, as a sort of reset.