Reddit Stories - PARTNER'S RELATIVES CONSTANTLY requested I chauffeur them and cover their meals while she

Episode Date: July 22, 2025

#redditstories #askreddit #aita #relationships #family #partners #etiquette #boundariesSummary: My partner's relatives constantly requested I chauffeur them and cover their meals while she stood by silently. Feeling taken advantage of, I struggled to set boundaries without causing conflict in our relationship.Tags: redditstories, askreddit, reddit, aita, tifu, relationships, family, partners, etiquette, boundaries, communication, conflict, boundaries, respect, support, compromise, understanding, assertiveness, selfcareBecome a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/reddit-stories--6237355/support.

I hope you enjoy this story. Partners' relatives constantly requested I show for them and cover their meals while she covertly handed over 50% of her income to them each month, then accused me of being controlling and fabricated. Her choose between me and them. I, 28M, have been dating my girlfriend Tiffany, 25F, for about eight months. We don't live together yet, but we spend most weekends together and have started discussing moving in together next year. Here's the issue, Tiffany's family calls her constantly, and whenever they do, she immediately drops whatever we're doing to accommodate them. I'm talking about her parents, two siblings, and even extended family like aunts and cousins.

They treat her like their personal taxi service and emotional support system. Last weekend is a perfect example. We had planned to go hiking on Saturday morning, something we've been planning for two weeks. Friday night, her mom called. and said her dad needed a ride to the auto shop at 7 a.m. because his car was making noise. Tiffany immediately said she'd drive him, which meant our 8 a.m. hiking plans were shot. When I suggested her dad could call an Uber or ask one of Tiffany's siblings who live closer, she looked at me like I'd suggested abandoning a baby on the highway.

This happens constantly. We've had dinner reservations canceled because her cousin needed someone to watch her kids. We've left movies halfway through because her brother got into an argument with his girlfriend and needed Tiffany to come mediate. I've lost count of how many plans we've scrapped because someone in her family had some minor crisis that apparently only Tiffany could solve. But here's what really bothers me, they don't just expect Tiffany to drop everything, they expect me to drive her places.

Her car is older and sometimes unreliable, so when family calls, Tiffany assumes I'll drive her to their house, which is 45 minutes away. Last month, I drove her to her parents' house four different times because various family members needed help with things like moving furniture, cooking for a barbecue, and helping her mom shop for a dress for some event. I don't mind helping occasionally, but I feel like I'm being treated as a chauffeur service. Her family never thanks me directly, never offers gas money, and acts like my time is completely disposable. When I mentioned to Tiffany that I'd like us to have at least one weekend per month that's just for us, she said I was being selfish and that family always comes first. The breaking point came last

Tuesday. We were having dinner at a nice restaurant for my birthday when her aunt called crying about her water heater leaking. Tiffany wanted to leave immediately to go help, and when I said we we should at least finish our meal since the aunt has a husband and two adult sons who could handle it, Tiffany accused me of not understanding family loyalty. I told her that while I respect her close family ties, I feel like our relationship always takes a backseat to whatever her family needs, no matter how minor. She said that's just how families work and that I should understand since I'll hopefully be part of the family someday.

Am I the asshole for wanting some boundaries here? I love Tiffany, but I feel like I'm dating her entire extended family, and they all seem to think my time and car are at their disposal. Edit, thanks for all the responses. To clarify a few things people are asking about, Tiffany doesn't have a job that would conflict with family time. She works a regular 9-5 office job. Her family isn't dealing with any major health issues or emergencies. These are usually things like help me move this couch or drive me to the store.

I've tried talking to Tiffany about this multiple times, but she always says I'm overreacting and that helping family is normal. Her siblings are all adults, ages 22 to 30, with their own cars and lives, but they also call Tiffany for help constantly. Top comments, commenter 1. NTA. This isn't normal family closeness, this is codependency. Healthy families don't expect one member to drop everything constantly, and they certainly don't expect a boyfriend to serve as unpaid transportation. You're not asking her to cut contact, just for reason or something. boundaries. Reply from Op, Tiffany keeps telling me this is how real families work, but none of my friends deal with anything like this. When I mentioned that my family doesn't call me multiple times a week expecting immediate help, she said my family must not be very close. It's made me question

whether I'm from some weird emotionally distant family or if this really is excessive. I've started keeping track, and in the past month, Tiffany has cancelled or interrupted our plans 11 times for family requests. That seems like a lot to me, but she acts like it's completely normal. Commenter too. Does Tiffany help them financially too, or is it just the time and transportation? Also, how does her family treat you when you do drive her over there? Reply from Op, I'm not sure about the financial aspect. We don't share finances and she's pretty private about money. As for how they treat me, it's polite but distant. They'll say hello and thank Tiffany for coming, but they don't really acknowledge that I drove her there or gave up my time.

It's like I'm invisible furniture. Her mom will sometimes ask me to help move something heavy while I'm there, but it's more like I'm expected help rather than asked. I've never been invited to stay for dinner or anything like that, I'm clearly just the transportation. Commenter 3 NTA but this is a preview of your future if you marry this girl. The family dynamics aren't going to change just because you put a ring on her finger, they'll probably get worse because then you'll be official family and expect it to help even more. Reply from Op, that's honestly what I'm afraid of. We've talked about moving in together, and I worried that it'll just mean her family has easier access to both of us.

Tiffany mentioned that when we get our own place, we'll have more room to host family gatherings, and I'm already dreading the idea of our apartment becoming the family headquarters. I love Tiffany, but I don't want to sign up for a lifetime of being on call for her extended family's every need. Update, original post is in my history. TLDR, girlfriend cancels our plans constantly for family, expects me to drive her places, I ask for some boundaries. After reading your comments on my original post, I decided to have a serious conversation with Tiffany about setting some boundaries. I wasn't asking for anything dramatic, just that we have one weekend per month that's completely ours, no family obligations unless there's a genuine emergency. Tiffany's reaction was not what I expected.

She immediately got defensive and said I was trying to isolate her from her support system. I tried to explain that I wasn't asking her to cut contact with anyone, just that we prioritize our relationship occasionally. She said she needed to think about it. Apparently, thinking about it meant calling her mother to discuss our conversation. Two days later, Tiffany's mom called me directly. I've only spoken to this woman a handful of times, and suddenly she's calling my personal phone to lecture me about family values. The conversation was surreal.

She told me that Tiffany had always been the responsible one in the family and that everyone depends on her. She said it was disrespectful and concerning that I was trying to keep Tiffany. away from people who love her. When I tried to explain that I wasn't trying to keep Tiffany away from anyone, just asking for some balance, she cut me off and said that if I really loved Tiffany, I would support her family commitments instead of making her choose. The part that really got to me was when she said, Tiffany has been part of this family for 25 years, but you've only been around for eight months. You need to understand your place.

She also mentioned that several family members were concerned about my controlling behavior and that they'd been discussing it in their family group chat. I was honestly shocked. I had no idea that my request for occasional couple time had become a family-wide discussion, or that wanting some boundaries made me controlling. Tiffany's mom ended the call by saying she hoped I would reconsider my priorities and start being more supportive of Tiffany's family obligations. When I told Tiffany about the call, I expected her to be upset that her mother had overstepped.

Instead, she said she understood why her mom called and that maybe she was right about me not understanding how important family is. She said she'd been thinking about our conversation and realized that asking her to put our relationship before her family felt wrong to her. We had a pretty intense argument where I tried to explain the difference between supporting someone's family relationships and being treated like an unpaid, taxi service. Tiffany kept saying I was exaggerating and that her family doesn't ask for much. When I pointed out that we'd canceled plans 11 times in the past month for family requests, she said I was keeping score and that you don't keep track when you're helping people you love. The argument ended with Tiffany saying she needed some space to think about whether we want the same things in a relationship. She's been staying at her parents' house for the past week,

and our communication has been minimal. I'm starting to wonder if I'm fighting a losing battle here. Tiffany's family has made it clear that they see me as an outsider who's trying to disrupt their family dynamic, and Tiffany seems to agree with them. I love her, but I don't know how to have a relationship with someone whose family treats couple time as selfish and boundaries as controlling. The irony is that Tiffany's mom accused me of making Tiffany choose,

but it feels like they're the ones forcing a choice by refusing to a, accept any compromise or boundaries. Edit, a lot of people are asking about Tiffany's upbringing and family dynamics. From what I've observed, Tiffany was definitely raised to be the helper in the family. She's the middle child, and her parents seem to have always relied on her to manage family conflicts and logistics. Her older brother has kids and a demanding job, so he's too busy to help much. Her younger sister is in grad school and is considered too stressed to take on family responsibilities. Tiffany works full-time too, but somehow that doesn't excuse her from being available 24 to 7 for family needs. Top comments.

Commenter 1 The fact that your private conversation became a family group chat topic tells you everything you need to know about boundaries in this family. You're not dealing with just Tiffany here, you're dealing with an entire family. system that's designed to keep Tiffany as the designated helper slash problem solver. Reply from OP, this really hit home. I knew Tiffany was close with her family, but I didn't realize how much they discuss her personal life among themselves. After the call with her mom, I started paying more attention to how often Tiffany mentions

we were talking about you in the family chat or everyone thinks. It's like her family has a collective opinion about everything in her life, including our relationship. I'm starting to understand that dating Tiffany means dating a committee, and any decision has to be approved by the whole family. Update 2. Previous posts in my history. Brief recap, GF's family expects constant help. Her mother called me controlling for wanting boundaries. Tiffany has been staying at her parents' house for a week while thinking. I wasn't planning to update so soon, but Tiffany came back to her apartment yesterday to get more clothes, she's been staying at her parents' house. She called me over and we ended up talking for a few

hours, and it seemed like we might be able to work things out. She said she understood my perspective better after having some space, and she was willing to try setting some boundaries with her family. But then I noticed a bank statement on her kitchen counter. I wasn't trying to snoop, but I caught a glimpse of a large monthly transfer to what looked like her parents' account. When I asked Tiffany about it, she got really flustered and tried to change the subject. After some pressing, she finally admitted that she's been giving her parents $1,200 every month. This explains so much. For months, Tiffany has been saying she can't afford to split certain expenses with me.

When we go out to dinner, I usually pay because she says money is tight. She's mentioned several times that she can't afford to contribute more to groceries, when we spend weekends together, or chip in for gas when we take trips. I've been covering probably 80% of our shared expenses because I believe she was struggling financially. But she's not struggling, she's giving half her money to her parents every month. When I asked why, she said her parents needed help with their mortgage and bills. I asked if this was a temporary thing, like helping them through a rough patch,

and she said no, she's been doing this since she started her current job two years ago. It's just expected. I asked what her parents do for work, and here's the kicker, her dad works full-time as a supervisor at a manufacturing plant, and her mom works part-time as a school aide. They're not wealthy, but they're not destitute either. They own their home, both have cars, and they go out to eat regularly. When I pointed out that her parents seem to manage their lifestyle just fine, Tiffany said the extra money from her helps them live more comfortably and that it's normal for her. adult children to help their parents. She also mentioned that her siblings contribute to, though apparently not as much as Tiffany does. The part that really bothers me is that Tiffany

has been lying to me about money for months. Every time I've suggested we split something more evenly, she's claimed she couldn't afford it. Meanwhile, she's been voluntarily giving away half of probably what she makes. We had another huge fight about this. I told her I felt deceived and that I wouldn't have been covering so many expenses if I'd known she was choosing to give half her money to her parents. Tiffany said I was being selfish and that helping family should be more important than splitting dinner bills perfectly. I tried to explain that it wasn't about the money itself, but about the dishonesty and

the fact that our future financial planning was based on false information. If we move in together, how can I trust her to contribute fairly to shared expenses when she's committed half her income to her parents indefinitely. Tiffany said she couldn't believe I was attacking her for helping her family and that this proved I don't understand family loyalty. She said her parents have always been there for her, and now it's her turn to be there for them. I asked if her parents had ever actually asked for this money or if she just started giving it to them. She admitted that she offered, but said they really appreciate it and that it helps them a lot. The conversation ended with Tiffany saying that her family comes first, period, and that any future partner needs to accept that.

She said if I can't understand why helping her parents is important to her, then we're not compatible. She's right that we're not compatible, but not for the reasons she thinks. I don't have a problem with someone helping their family financially. I have a problem with someone lying about their financial situation and making unilateral decisions that affect our relationship without discussing it with me. Tiffany packed more clothes and went back to her parents' house. I think we're headed for a breakup, which honestly might be for the best. I can't build a future with someone who's already committed half their income to someone else without being honest about it. Edit, since people are asking, yes, Tiffany could afford to live on $1,200 a month because she splits

rent with a roommate, and her living expenses are pretty minimal. She drives an older car that's paid off, doesn't spend much on clothes or entertainment, and rarely goes out except with me, when I pay. I had assumed she was being frugal by necessity, but now I realize she's being frugal by choice so she can send more money to her parents. Update 3. Previous Posts in my history. Tiffany and I have been trying to work things out over the past month. We've had several long conversations about boundaries and finances, and I thought we were making progress. She agreed to have an honest discussion with her parents about reducing the monthly payments and setting some limits on family obligations.

Well, that discussion happened, and it did not go the way either of us expected. Tiffany told her parents that we were having some relationship challenges around family time and finances, and that she needed to find a better balance. Instead of being understanding, her parents apparently decided that I was the problem and needed to be brought into the family properly. This led to me being invited to dinner, something that had never happened before in eight months of dating Tiffany. I thought this was a positive step, maybe a chance to start fresh and build better relationships with her family. The dinner was at a nice restaurant and Tiffany's parents, both siblings, and their partners were there.

Right off the bat, the atmosphere felt weird. Everyone was being overly friendly to me in a way that felt forced and uncomfortable. About halfway through dinner, Tiffany's dad started talking about how nice it was that Tiffany had found someone who was financially stable and could help support the family. I wasn't sure what he meant, so I just nodded politely. Then the bill came. The total was about $480 for eight people. Tiffany's dad looked right at me and said, since you're doing well for yourself and you're

part of the family now, you can take care of this. I was completely caught off guard. I looked at Tiffany, expecting her to say something, but she just looked uncomfortable and avoided I contact. I didn't want to make a scene, so I paid the bill, but I was pretty confused and annoyed. On the drive home, I asked Tiffany what that was about, and she said her dad probably just wanted to let me treat everyone and that it was nice of him to include me as family. I did take $450 back from Tiffany, $30 was for my. food, but it didn't stop there. Two days later, Tiffany's mom called her and mentioned that they

were planning a family weekend trip to a lake house they want to rent. The cost would be about $2,200 for the rental, plus food and activities. Tiffany's mom specifically said they were hoping I would help make it happen since I was part of the family now. When Tiffany told me about this, I asked if they expected me to pay for the entire trip. Tiffany said they probably just wanted me to contribute since I make more money than everyone else. Which isn't even true, I make about the same as Tiffany's dad. I told Tiffany I wasn't comfortable being expected to finance family activities for people I barely know, especially when I wasn't even consulted about the plans. Tiffany said I was overreacting. This is when I realized what was happening. Tiffany's parents had figured out that I'd

been covering most of Tiffany's expenses, which freed up her money to give to them. Now they wanted to have me contribute directly to family expenses. I told Tiffany absolutely not. I said I was happy to contribute to activities that I was actually involved in planning, but I wasn't going to be the family ATM. Tiffany said I was being selfish and that if I wanted to be part of the family, I needed to step up and help when they needed it. The conversation escalated quickly. Tiffany said her family had been generous enough to include me in their plans, and the least I could do was help contribute.

When I pointed out that they'd never included me before and that this felt like they were only interested in my wallet, Tiffany accused me of being paranoid and ungrateful. I asked Tiffany point-blank, if I stopped paying for most of our shared expenses, would she be able to afford her half and continue giving her parents $1,200 a month? She got quiet and eventually admitted that no, she probably couldn't do both. So I asked if she expected me to essentially fund her contributions to her parents by covering her portion of our expenses. Again, she got quiet and then said that couples should support each other's family obligations. That's when it clicked. Tiffany's family has created a system where Tiffany gives them half her income. I subsidized Tiffany's lifestyle to make that possible. And now they want me to contribute directly to family expenses on top of that.

They've basically turned me into an indirect sponsor of their family activities. When I explained this to Tiffany, she said I was making it sound worse than it is and that I should be happy her family wants to include me. She said if I really loved her, I would want to help her family. I told her that what I wanted was an honest, balanced relationship where financial decisions were made together, not dictated by her family's expectations. Tiffany said that sounded cold and transactional and that real families don't operate that way. We're at an impasse. Tiffany thinks I'm being selfish and unsupportive. I think her family is financially manipulative and that Tiffany either doesn't see it or doesn't care as long as she keeps her parents happy.

I'm starting to accept that this relationship isn't going to work. Tiffany's loyalty will always be to her family first, and they've made it clear that they see me as a resource. rather than a person. Edit, people are asking if Tiffany's siblings contribute to family expenses the way she does. From what I can gather, her older brother gives them some money occasionally but nowhere near $1,200 a month, and her younger sister doesn't contribute financially at all because she's in school. Tiffany is definitely carrying the heaviest load, which makes the family's expectations

of me even more frustrating. Final update, this will be my final update because the relationship is over. After my last post about the financial expectations, things went downhill fast. Tiffany and I continued arguing about boundaries and money for another week. I kept trying to explain my perspective, and she kept defending her family's behavior. The end came when Tiffany's parents decided to force the issue. Last week, Tiffany got a call from her dad asking her to come to the house for a family meeting. She invited me to come with her, saying maybe we could finally hash everything out.

Against my better judgment, I agreed. The meeting was essentially an intervention with me as the target. Tiffany's parents, both siblings, and their partners were there. Her dad started by saying they were concerned about changes they'd seen in Tiffany since we started dating. According to them, Tiffany had become distant and rebellious and was putting our relationship ahead of family loyalty. They had a whole list of grievances. Tiffany had started questioning family requests instead of just saying yes immediately. She had mentioned wanting to reduce her monthly financial contributions.

She had skipped two family gatherings in recent months, both times because we had prior plans. She had stopped responding to family group chat messages as quickly as before Tiffany's mom said they felt like I was manipulating Tiffany and turning her against her family. She said Tiffany had never acted this way before I came a little. long, and that I was clearly a bad influence. The most ridiculous part was when Tiffany's brothers said I was being controlling and possessive by wanting alone time with Tiffany on weekends. He said healthy relationships don't require partners to isolate each other from family. I tried to defend myself, explaining that I'd never asked Tiffany to cut contact with anyone

or skip family events for no reason. I said I just wanted some balance and honesty about finances. but they had already made up their minds about my motives. Then came the ultimatum. Tiffany's dad said they discussed it as a family, and they didn't think I was right for Tiffany. He said Tiffany needed to choose between maintaining her family relationships or continuing a relationship that was clearly damaging her family bonds. Tiffany's mom said they missed the old Tiffany who put family first and was always available

when needed. She said if Tiffany wanted to keep prioritizing. a boyfriend over family, she was welcome to do that, but she shouldn't expect the family to support a relationship that was hurting everyone. The whole time, I kept waiting for Tiffany to speak up and defend our relationship, or at least point out how unfair and manipulative this was. Instead, she sat there looking miserable and conflicted. Finally, her dad asked Tiffany directly, what's more important to you, this relationship or your family? Tiffany started crying and said she didn't want to choose. Her mom said that refusing to choose was itself a choice, and that the old Tiffany

would never have hesitated to put family first. This went on for about an hour, with various family members taking turns explaining why I was bad for Tiffany and why she should end things with me. The basic message was that I was stealing Tiffany away from them and manipulating her into being a different person. Eventually, Tiffany said she needed time to think. Her dad said thinking was fine, but she needed to decide quickly because this uncertainty was hurting the whole family. On the drive back to Tiffany's apartment, she was quiet for a long time. Finally, she said she felt like she was being torn in two and didn't know what to do. I told her that what had just happened was incredibly manipulative and unfair. I said her family had essentially told her that

having any boundaries or independent thoughts meant she was betraying them. Tiffany said she understood my perspective, but she also understood theirs. She said maybe I really had changed her, and maybe that wasn't entirely good. She said she missed how simple things used to be before we started dating. That conversation made it clear that Tiffany was leaning toward choosing her family. She kept talking about how much stress our relationship had caused and how much easier things were when she just focused on making her family happy. Three days later, Tiffany texted me saying she had decided to end our relationship. She said she loved me, but she couldn't handle being caught between me and her family anymore. I asked if we could talk in person, but she said her mind was

made up and that talking would just make things harder. So that's it. After eight months, Tiffany chose her family's manipulation over our relationship. In her final text, she said she hoped I would understand and that she wished things could have been different. The thing is, I do understand. Tiffany was raised in a family system that taught her that independence is betrayal and that questioning family demands is selfish. She's been programmed to prioritize their happiness over her own autonomy, and breaking free from that would have required more strength than she was willing to invest. Thanks to everyone who commented on my previous posts. The support and perspective really helped me understand that I wasn't crazy for wanting a normal, balanced

relationship. Edit. A few people have asked if I think Tiffany will ever realize what happened and try to reach out. Honestly, I doubt it. Her family has probably reinforced the narrative that I was manipulative and that she made the right choice. Even if she does have doubts later, I can't imagine her going against her family again after choosing them so definitively. And frankly, I wouldn't take her back. Trust and independence can't be rebuilt after something like this.