Reddit Stories - Spouse COVERTLY TRANSFERRED $800 monthly to her jobless SIBLING, causing strain in our

Episode Date: November 1, 2025

#redditstories #askreddit #aita #relationships #friendship #communication #boundaries #jealousySummary: My partner's close male friend frequently messages her and makes sly comments about me. I feel uncomfortable and unsure how to address the situation without causing tension in their friendship.Tags: redditstories, askreddit, reddit, aita, tifu, relationships, friendship, communication, boundaries, jealousy, partner, male friend, messages, sly comments, discomfort, tensionBecome a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/reddit-stories--6237355/support.

I hope you enjoy this story. Spouse covertly transferred $800 monthly to her jobless sibling, causing strain in our marriage and resulting in us falling behind on our home loan. When I decided to stop the financial support, it led to a major argument. Off the money her sister magically found a job within a week. I'm a 36-year-old man and my wife is 34. We've been married eight years, and overall we have a pretty solid relationship. but I just uncovered something that's putting a huge strain on our marriage and our finances.

It turns out my wife has been secretly sending her younger sister $800 every month for the past two years, supposedly as temporary help after the sister lost her job. I only found out about this recently, and it's a massive shock to me. To make matters worse, we're now behind on our own mortgage payments, and a bunch of home repairs have been put off because we couldn't afford it, all while money was quietly fly. flowing out to her sister. For context, my sister-in-law, let's call her Jane, is 29 years old. She lost her job during the height of COVID like a lot of people did. Back then, around two years ago, my wife, I'll call her Emily, told me she wanted to help Jane out with a bit of money for

a couple of months until Jane could get back on her feet. I was totally fine with helping at that time, it was a rough period for a lot of folks, and I understood lending a hand to family. I assumed this meant, like, maybe covering a bill or two or helping with rent for a short while. We never discussed a fixed amount or a long-term plan, it was framed as a one-time or short-term goodwill thing. I figured maybe we'd send a few hundred bucks once or twice, end of story. Fast forward to now, I discovered, by combing through our bank statements in detail, that my wife has been sending Jane $800 every single month for two freaking years. That's roughly $19,000 that I had no idea was gone from our accounts.

I nearly fell out of my chair when I realized the pattern. The way I found out is that I've been noticing our joint checking account was a lot lower than expected, even though we tried to budget carefully. We had been struggling to pay some bills on time and we delayed a couple of necessary home repairs, like fixing our leaky roof and replacing an aging water heater because we didn't have enough money. It never made sense to me, we both have decent jobs, nothing luxurious but enough that we shouldn't be living paycheck to paycheck. So I finally sat down and poured over our online banking history line by line. That's when I saw it, a recurring online transfer of $800 each month,

always going out to the same account, which I eventually realized is Jane's account. The transaction just had a shorthand note I didn't recognize at first, and when I clicked for details I saw my sister-in-law's name. I confronted my wife about it immediately. I wasn't screaming or anything, I was honestly confused and worried. I asked her why $800 had been going to Jane every month, and why she hadn't told me about it. At first, Emily tried to deflect. She said, it's nothing, just helping out Jane a little, what's the big thing? deal. As if this were a trivial expense. $800 a month is not trivial for us, that's a chunk of our

mortgage or basically our entire grocery budget for the month. I kept pressing, and eventually she admitted that yes, she's been giving $800 each month to her sister to help with living expenses since Jane lost her job. According to my wife, this was supposed to be temporary help. Jane was laid off during the pandemic and had a tough time. Emily told me back. then that she might send her sister some money for a bit, but she framed it like just a few months of help. She never mentioned an exact amount or time frame, and I, naively, didn't pry for details. I trusted that my wife would be reasonable and that if it was more than a token amount or longer term, she'd loop me in. Clearly, that trust was misplaced. When I asked why

on earth this has been going on for two years, Emily got defensive. She said her sister is going through a rough time and that I wouldn't understand because it's family. I told her I do understand wanting to help family, but this has gotten out of hand. We have our own bills and future to consider. We are literally behind on our mortgage right now. We had to defer a payment last year because money was tight. Not to mention, we've been living with a partially busted roof and a water heater that fails randomly because we haven't had the money to fix them. I pointed out that the $800 a month could have easily covered those missed mortgage payments or the home repairs. Like $800 monthly is almost our entire mortgage payment on its own. Emily's response was basically shrugging it off and doubling

down that her sister needed help. She insists Jane has been going through a rough time. That phrase came up a lot, and that I'm being cruel by wanting to cut off the support. She argued that Jane has had a really hard go of it, losing her job, struggling with what she claims is depression, and that it's not easy for her to find a new job. My wife maintains that Jane has been looking on and off, but nothing has worked out. From where I stand, it doesn't look like Jane is trying very hard at all. She's 29, with no kids, in good health as far as I know, and has a college degree and work experience. Yet she's been unemployed for over a year and a half now. The job market isn't stellar, sure, but it's not so bad that a capable person is.

person can't find anything for that long, at least not if they're actually trying. What really gets under my skin is that while Jane has been getting this $800 monthly from us, well, from my wife, but it's our joint money, she's also been living it up on social media. I didn't follow her closely online before, but after learning about the money, I checked out her Instagram and Facebook to see what her life looks like. It's full of pictures of her at concerts, going to trendy restaurants, buying new clothes, and even a couple of weekend getaways. For someone who supposedly can't afford rent or bills without our help, she sure manages to afford Taylor Swift tickets and spa days with friends. I get that people want some enjoyment even in

tough times, but if I were broke and taking money from family to survive, I wouldn't be posting about champagne brunches and beach trips, you know? To me, that just feels like a slap in the face. Either she's using our money for fun stuff, or she's getting money elsewhere and using ours to free up her fun budget. Neither scenario sits right with me. I told all of these points out to my wife. I tried to stay calm but I was definitely upset. I told her I feel completely blindsided that she had something this big for me for so long. We are partners, and any regular financial commitment that large is something I should have known about and agreed to.

I also said it seems like Jane is taking advantage of her goodwill, and by extension, our finances. $800 every month for two years is insane with no end in sight. Where is the incentive for Jane to get a job if she's basically getting a paycheck from us for doing nothing? At this point, Emily completely flipped the script and got angry at me, turning the argument around. She accused me of being heartless and said I just don't care about her family. She said her sister is going through a rough time and needs help and that I'm being cruel by wanting to pull the plug. I shot back that we're not Jane's personal ATM and we have to worry about our own financial stability first. We went around and around.

She kept justifying it with emotional appeals. Jane is my little sister. I can't abandon her. She'd do the same for me if I was in need, which I'm not so sure about. I kept pushing practical realities. we could literally lose our house if we keep draining money like this, how is that fair to either of us and our future? The conversation ended with no real resolution. Emily basically told me she's going to keep helping Jane because family comes first and

that's that. I told her this situation is unsustainable and that I'm really not okay with it continuing as is. I felt furious and hurt that she would jeopardize our finances and lie to me for years. She was furious that I was forcing her to choose between me and her sister, her words. Honestly, I don't see it as making her choose, I'm asking for basic respect and a say in how our money is used, and for her to set some boundaries instead of bankrolling her sister indefinitely. Right now I'm just in disbelief. We rarely fight about anything, certainly not about money to this extent. This whole thing blindsided me.

I love my wife, but I love my wife, but I don't know. I feel betrayed and I'm really worried about our future if this is how financial decisions get made, in secret, based on guilt or obligation rather than mutual agreement. We haven't really talked much since the blow-up, we're both still pretty angry. She basically thinks I'm the asshole for wanting to stop giving her sister money, and I think she's in the wrong for hiding it and endangering our finances. So, I'm turning to you all, am I the asshole for being extremely upset that my wife secretly sent $800 per month to her sister for two years, and for insisting that this arrangement

end immediately. Update 1, it's been about three weeks since I made my original post, and things have been. Tense. After the initial blow up, my wife and I barely talked for a couple of days except for surface-level stuff. We were walking on eggshells around each other. I knew we needed to address this mess properly, so I came up with an idea, I suggested that we sit down with Jane together and have a frank talk about her situation and set some kind of timeline or plan for ending the financial support. I tried to frame it as us wanting to help her get on her feet rather than attacking her or something. When I first brought this idea up to Emily, she did not take it well. She immediately got defensive on her sister's behalf and asked, what, you want to drag

her in here and interrogate her about money? Are you trying to humiliate her? I said no, that's not the point. The point is that we all need to be on the same page about how Jane is going to become self-sufficient again, because this open-ended arrangement isn't working for us. Emily accused me of being cold and heartless, again, and claimed I was treating her sister like a burden or a problem to solve. I responded that, well, financially speaking it is a problem, one that's affecting our lives. That led to more bickering, but eventually I convinced her that a meeting might actually help. I think I said something like, if you trust your sister and believe she's really trying, then having an open talk shouldn't be a big deal. We can make it about helping her plan,

not cutting her off. So, we invited Jane over to our house for dinner and a talk. I admit I was nervous leading up to it, and I suspect Jane was too because she must have known on some level what it was about. We didn't ambush her, Emily let her know we wanted to discuss how she's doing and what the plan is for the future. Jane showed up looking a bit sheepish and anxious. She's usually very bubbly and talkative, but that evening she was quiet. After some awkward small talk and dinner, I gently opened the conversation about her job situation. I said something like, we know you've been having a tough time since losing your job,

and we've been happy to help out. But we also want to talk about how you're doing with the job search and if there's an end goal in sight for this arrangement. I tried to sound supportive, not accusatory. I even offered to help with her resume or introduce her to people I know in her industry. I work in a field adjacent to hers. Well, as soon as we delved into that, Jane burst into tears. She started sobbing about how hard it's been for her. She said she really appreciates what we've done and that she doesn't know where she'd be without Emily.

She also insisted she has been looking for jobs, but that nothing. is working out. According to Jane, the job market in her field is impossible right now. She claimed she's applied lots of places but rarely even gets interviews. I asked if she had considered jobs outside her old field or even part-time work just to get some income. Jane immediately had an answer for that. Most of those jobs wouldn't even cover my rent, or I'm overqualified for those minimum wage jobs and they won't hire me, and if I take some random job, it'll set my career back years. Basically every suggestion I made, she had a reason it wouldn't work for her. She also mentioned she's been feeling really depressed and anxious,

to the point where some days she can barely get out of bed. I do sympathize if she's having mental health struggles, I'm not heartless. But I also take it with a grain of salt, because her social media paints a different picture of her energy when it comes to leisure activities. Throughout this, Emily was next to her sister, holding her hand and shooting me glances like I was some corporate boss firing an employee. The vibe definitely became them, Emily and Jane, versus me. I felt outnumbered in my own living room. Jane said over and over that she hates being a burden and that she is trying and will really try harder to find work soon. Of course, then both sisters were in tears, Jane from feeling like a burden, and Emily because her sister was upset.

set. At that point, I knew any hope of setting a firm end date to the payments was gone. I did manage to bring up the idea of a timeline in a very careful way. I said something like, we're absolutely willing to keep helping for a little while longer, but maybe we should all agree on how much longer, so we can plan our finances too, like, perhaps we check in after a couple more months. I tried to make it sound like a plan. Jane nodded through tears but didn't commit to anything specific. She just kept saying, I understand. I'm so grateful for you both. I will find something soon, I promise. Meanwhile, Emily jumped in with, of course, will help you until you get back on your feet. Don't worry about some deadline. That pretty much undercut the

whole point of me mentioning a timeline. My wife basically assured her sister that we're not about to abandon her and will support her as long as she needs. So, yeah. That was the opposite of what I'd hoped. Instead of agreeing to phase this out, my wife essentially offered to continue the status quo indefinitely. I didn't want to start another fight in front of Jane, so I mostly went quiet and let them talk it out. The rest of the conversation was the two of them about how hard it is to find a good job these days, and my wife reassuring Jane that we've got your back, no matter what.

I felt pretty frustrated and frankly a bit sidelined. It was like my input didn't matter. As soon as Jane got emotional, Emily was 100% on her side and my concerns were steamrolled. After Jane left, I told Emily I wasn't happy with how the meeting went. She snapped that I was insensitive and that I made her sister cry. I argued that I was simply trying to make a plan for the future, not upset anyone, but we went in circles. In the end, nothing was resolved. By the end of week three since my original post, the bottom line was, nothing actually changed.

Jane is still jobless and still receiving $800 from our account every month. Emily is still determined to be there for her baby sister as long as it takes. And I'm now even more aware that my wife has a serious issue with saying no to her sister. In hindsight, this seems to be a long-standing dynamic. My wife has always been the responsible older sister who swoops in to rescue Jane. I'm feeling pretty defeated, to be honest. That family meeting was my big idea to solve things, and it backfired. I'm not sure what my next move is.

I still firmly believe we cannot support Jane forever, especially at the cost of our own financial stability. But right now, if I try to put my foot down, I'm going to look like the villain who makes poor Jane homeless or something. something. This is a tough spot. Update 2, 6 weeks have passed since my original post, about 3 weeks since the last update, and unfortunately things escalated this past week, our monthly mortgage payment was rejected due to insufficient funds. That was a huge wake-up call. We have never missed a mortgage payment before. When I got the notification from the bank that the payment bounced, I panicked. I had to scramble to cover it, we incurred a late- fee and a lot of stress. I was furious and also freaked out, because missing a mortgage payment

is serious business. We were already on thin eyes from the prior financial strain. Right around the time I'm dealing with the mortgage fiasco, I see on social media that Jane was at a luxury spa resort over the weekend with a friend. She posted photos on Instagram of herself in a plush robe, sipping a mimosa by a fancy pool. The caption was something like much-needed girls' girls' get away spa self-care. The timing could not have been worse, here we are scrambling to pay our mortgage, partly because money is flowing to her, and at the same time she's splurging at a spa. I showed these posts to my wife and, I'll be honest, I was angry. I said, look at this, we're paying for her life while she's out here living it up. How is this okay? Emily immediately rushed to her sister's

defense, insisting I was jumping to conclusions. She claimed I had not. She claimed I had not. She had no proof Jane paid for the trip, maybe her friend footed the bill as a gift, and said I was basically stalking Jane's social media just to find reasons to be mad. I retorted that friend paid or not, Jane clearly wasn't living like someone whose flat broke and desperately job-hunting. If I was scrutinizing her posts, it's only because our money keeps vanishing and I'm trying to get a grip on why. That conversation turned into another shouting match. I admit I was less composed this time, the mortgage scare and then seeing those spa picks really set me off. The very next day, Jane called my wife crying, again. This time it was about her car,

apparently her car broke down and needed repairs, and of course she doesn't have the money for the mechanic. The bill was about $500. Jane was sobbing on the phone, my wife put it on speaker initially because she was in the middle of something when the call came, so I overheard. She was saying she needs her car to get to potential job interviews and to live her daily life, and without it she's completely stuck. I could hear the panic in Jane's voice and, predictably, I could see my wife's heart-breaking for her sister. As soon as that call ended, Emily looked at me with pleading eyes and said, we have to help her. She needs $500 for the car or she won't even be able to job hunt. I swear, hearing that just made me snap. I told Emily absolutely,

not, not this time. We literally didn't have $500 to spare unless we shorted something else, like, say, our next mortgage payment. I reminded her we just dealt with a bounced payment and that we can't keep throwing money we don't have at her sister's problems. She argued that this car repair is an emergency and that her sister will pay us back once she finds a job, an empty promise I've heard before. Things got heated. Emily was almost hysterical, saying if we don't have help her, how is she going to survive? She'll be stranded. You're being so cruel. I responded that if it's truly an emergency, Jane might have to consider other options like taking out a small loan, borrowing from a friend, or, God forbid, using a credit card. We are not the only possible

lifeline. Emily kept insisting, she has no one else. At this point, I laid down a hard ultimatum. I told her that if she sends one more dollar to her sister without us both agreeing, I will remove her access to our joint account. I said I would separate our finances entirely if I have two. That is an extreme step in a marriage, and I didn't threaten it lightly. But I felt I had no choice. Every reasonable attempt I made to rein this in was steamrolled. Emily went dead silent and just stared at me, like she couldn't believe I said that.

Then she got red in the face and yelled, I can't believe you're talking about cutting me off from our own money. What the hell is wrong with you? She called me unbelievable and said I was basically choosing money over her. I snapped back that she was the one choosing her sisters once over our needs. I also said threatening to cut off the finances isn't about control, it's about survival for us. We have to pay our mortgage and bills, I can't let those slide because she refuses to say me. know to her sister. That fight was probably the worst we've ever had up to that point. We were both yelling and said some harsh things. By the end of it, Emily was in tears and went to

sleep in the guest room. I barely slept at all, I was so wired and upset. I hated that it came to issuing an ultimatum, but I genuinely felt backed into a corner. I can't just sit by and watch our finances implode. In the aftermath, Emily and I barely spoke for a couple of couple days. She did not send the $500 to Jane, as far as I know. I ended up monitoring our bank account very closely. I'm basically on high alert now, checking the accounts daily. I've even been considering actually moving my direct deposit to a separate account if I catch any hint of secret transfers again. This whole ordeal has taken such a toll. Emily thinks I'm overreacting and acting like a tyrant about the money, but I honestly don't see any

other way to get through to her that enough is enough. The stress levels in our house are through the roof, and I worry what might happen next if we can't get on the same page. Update 3, it's now been about two months since my original post, roughly a month and a half since the last update. I truly wish I could say things got better, but instead they took a turn for the sneaky. After the huge fight where I threatened to cut off the joint account, Emily and I had a pretty fragile piece for a few weeks. We were civil but distant. I noticed she suddenly started volunteering for a lot of overtime at work. She was picking up extra shifts and staying late almost every day. I initially thought she was doing this to help us out financially, maybe to

make up for the money that went to Jane, or to show me she was committed to fixing our budget issues. In a way, I appreciated it because we definitely needed the extra income. I did find it a bit odd, though. Emily has never been one to work tons of overtime unless we had a specific goal, like saving for a vacation. I had a small nagging suspicion in the back of my mind, like, was it possible she had another plan? But I brushed it aside because I wanted to believe we were finally on the same page after that blow-up. During this period, I didn't see any more $800 transfers leave our joint account. I was monitoring it like a hawk. For a brief moment, I felt some relief.

Maybe the worst was behind us and we could slowly recover financially and emotionally. I was wrong. The other weekend, we had a family gathering at my mother-in-law's house, a belated birthday for one of my wife's relatives. A bunch of extended family were there, including Jane. I was civil to Jane, but I was definitely still resentful in keeping my distance a bit. To my surprise, Jane came up to me at one point, when my first. My wife was out of earshot and said, Hey, I just wanted to thank you for being so generous and understanding about the money recently.

I know it's a lot, and I'm really grateful. I was caught off guard and just said something like, ah, sure, no problem, kind of stiffly. Then Jane added, I really appreciate the $1,200 you and Emily sent me for that emergency last month. It really saved me. Q record scratch in my brain. I literally felt my face get hot. I managed to mutter, oh, ah, you're welcome, and then I quickly excuse myself.

Inside, I was like what, $1,200. We, my wife and I, gave her $1,200 for an emergency. The only thing I could think of was maybe she was referring to the car repair, but I handled that directly by saying no and it was nowhere near $1,200. This was something new entirely. I immediately found my wife and pulled her aside. I quietly asked, what is Jane talking about? What $1,200 emergency?

She stammered something about, I was going to tell you. She had an urgent situation. I didn't want to worry you. Long story short, my wife had opened a separate bank account in her name and had been funneling her overtime pay and possibly other money, into that account. She used it to continue supporting Jane behind my back. The $1,200 was a lump sum she sent her sister for what she called an emergency.

From what I gathered, Jane was two months behind on rent and about to be evicted, and my wife swooped in with a big payment to save the day. Emily hadn't told me any of this. She deliberately hit it, likely because of the ultimatum I gave about not using our joint funds. I was absolutely livid. I tried not to make a scene at the family event, so I kept my voice low and my words very brief, but I let her know I knew. I asked something like, so all that overtime.

That was just so you could keep sending money to Jane behind my back. You lied to me. Again. She tried to justify it by saying, I used my own extra money that I earned. It's not like I took it out of our regular budget. You were so adamant about not using the joint account, so I found. found another way. What's the issue? It was my overtime pay. I told her, money earned during our marriage is still our money to discuss, especially when she's working overtime just to give it away.

It's not like we're flush with cash, that overtime could have gone toward our mortgage or fixing up the house or into our actual emergency fund, which, by the way, is now perilously low. Then she admitted that, in addition to using her overtime, she had also pulled money from our joint emergency savings to help reach that $1,200. My jaw just about dropped. That savings account is something we both contribute to for real emergencies, like if one of us loses a job or we have a major unexpected expense. That fund had been our safety net, and she rated it for her sister's rent. The argument that followed, once we got home, was explosive. Emily accused me of forcing her hand. She basically claimed that I drove

her to lie by being, in her view, unreasonable and controlling about the finances. I told her this wasn't about me trying to control her, it was about trust and making decisions together. She not only lied and hit things again, she went and opened a secret account and funneled money into it. That felt incredibly sneaky and deceitful to me. I asked how she could possibly think it's okay to keep doing the very thing she promised to stop, just under a different table. How are we supposed to a marriage if she's going behind my back like this. She kept deflecting, saying that I gave her no choice because I didn't care about her sister and I only care about money. She also said something along the lines of, you're driving a wedge between me and my sister. She's my only sister,

my family. You're making me choose between you and her. I think I failed to mention this before, but my wife's direct family passed away years ago. So she only had her little sister. It was a painful, ugly fight. I told her plainly that I'm not okay with this marriage functioning like this, where she makes huge financial decisions in secret and then blames me for it. I said if this is how it's going to be, I don't know how we can move forward. She reacted very strongly to that, and there was a lot of yelling and crying on both sides. No one else was around, we were in our house by ourselves, as of now, we're at a stalemate.

It was our worst fight yet. Update 4. It's been about four months since my original post. After the blow-up over the secret account, I moved all remaining joint funds into a personal account under my name only and redirected my paycheck there. I told Emily what I was doing and why. She was furious and said if I thought she was that untrustworthy, maybe we needed time apart. Not long after, she moved out to stay at her sister's place.

So we've been essentially separated for the past. few weeks. I hated that it came to this, but at least our money wasn't draining away anymore. And sure enough, as soon as the money stopped, Jane landed a job within a week of my wife moving in with her. That pretty much proved my point to my wife, with no more free support, her sister quickly stood on her own two feet. Eventually, Emily reached out saying she wanted to reconcile. We met up, and she apologized. She admitted the situation with her. She admitted the situation with her sister got out of control and that by trying to help Jane, she was really just enabling her. I told her how much her deception hurt me, but also that I still love her. We've decided to

give it another shot. Couples counseling is starting next week. We agreed that any future financial help to Jane, or anyone, will be a joint decision from now on. Now that Jane is employed, hopefully it won't even be an issue. For the time being, we're still living apart and taking things slow. Trust won't be rebuilt overnight, but we're both trying.