Reddit Stories - Spouse FREQUENTLY cracked unkind jokes that caused me EMOTIONAL pain, but I BELIEVED

Episode Date: November 2, 2025

#redditstories #askreddit #aita #relationships #marriage #emotionalabuse #communication #copingSummary: My spouse frequently cracked unkind jokes that caused me emotional pain, but I believed it was harmless banter. Over time, I realized the impact on my mental health and sought advice on how to address the situation.Tags: redditstories, askreddit, reddit, aita, tifu, relationships, marriage, emotionalabuse, communication, coping, mentalhealth, support, advice, counseling, therapy, selfcare, boundaries, toxicbehavior, personalgrowth, empowermentBecome a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/reddit-stories--6237355/support.

I hope you enjoy this story. Spouse frequently cracked unkind jokes that caused me emotional pain, but I believed I was simply overreacting until I came across a book on mistreatment and recognized all my assumptions. I knew about my marriage was wrong. So grateful to have found this community and hoping that getting some outside opinions on my situation will help me understand things and figure out how to address this in a constructive way with my husband. I, 31F, have been with my husband, 40 S.M.

for ten years, now married. I always knew I wanted to have kids only after I was married, and now that we finally are I've allowed myself to start thinking more in-depth about it and I had an inconvenient realization. I could not bring a child into this situation without seeing change in his behavior. While he has this one bad habit, our relationship is not inherently verbally abusive. So I'm having trouble finding resources and stories from others who have been in similar situations. The good, he is a great provider, he would be a very fun dad, he is very generous and supportive. I love him, he loves me. The bad, he makes jokes that are hurtful and make me feel a fundamental lack of respect.

I'm fine, but when I imagine me as a child growing up with a father like him, I just can't even fathom how broken I would be. I know I need to address this before having kids. We have had conversations about this in the past and it's just who he is not. not aimed only at me, and I am a very sensitive person. The problem, how can I have a conversation about this with him? I'm not perfect, so why is it okay for me to point out his flaws? Is there a playbook here, a guide? I just can't stand feeling like I'm issuing an ultimatum or holding him hostage. And I feel so awful that I didn't have the insight or personal awareness to address this

before we got married. I'm struggling to frame this in a way that is supportive, us as a team against this issue instead of me attacking him. How do I address this? Update 1. I, 31F, have been with my husband, 43M, for 10 years, married six months. Posted on an advice sub and I'm realizing it's a bigger issue than I thought. So, what now? I'm having a really hard time digesting all of this. I read why does he do that? Yesterday, couldn't put it down, and while I see some things that my partner does, it's not many and it's honestly not often. It really boils down to making mean jokes and unsolicited advice slash critiques. That's all. And not all the time, I've been thinking it over for three days and he hasn't said anything bad in that time. When he does it just sticks out in my

mind because it's hurtful. Here is what I think need help understanding. Is it possible that this isn't intentional? He learned his behaviors from his mother and has low emotional intelligence. I know that he truly loves me. I can't understand how he could do this on purpose. How is he such a truly great, supportive, kind partner in other ways? Does that outweigh his faults? He is such a great provider. He is supportive of my career and pays all of our expenses which allows me to work doing what I love. This is a big sacrifice for him and something he did very intentionally for me. How could someone do that to someone they want to hurt? What if it really truly is me?

I am sensitive and insecure. I do make things that are benign about me when I'm feeling down. I know these things are true. Couldn't it be a combination of an awful outdated, unfunny sense of humor and me being hypersensitive to criticism? I think we both share fault here. Update 2. Okay.

I talked to my therapist, who I was seeing because husband had me believing I had emotional regulation and communication problems, came armed with research and concrete examples of his manipulative, controlling and demeaning patterns. She was supportive but firm, recommended I reach out to my local DV organization to help me work out a safe exit plan and get legal aid regarding the divorce. She said sooner rather than later, and I trust her. But I am stunned. I feel like my whole entire world is upside down. I keep flipping back in forth between, thank God other people can see this too, I'm not crazy and it is that bad and he's my best friend. I'm heartbroken and he's the only one there for me, he needs me and I could never

leave him. I know I should leave but I don't know what to do. I just want to talk to him and work it out and this will all just be one big misunderstanding, right? I'm heartbroken. I can't have kids here, but if I leave I'll be alone and also probably won't have kids. And I'll be broken and ashamed. all those conversations. He's going to want me back or want an explanation. I really think that's what I'm hung up on the most. He has so little emotional awareness that I know he won't have any idea what I'm talking about. I know he'll think I'm crazy.

I want him to know what he's done, but he just... He's not going to. He might not ever understand. We're so happy so much of the time, I don't know if I can do this. Anyways, hi, worst update. But you all were right. For anyone in a similar situation, Lundy Bancrofts, why does he do that? Was very eye-opening and described him in ways I couldn't articulate on my own.

He fits the profile of the water torture perfectly. Additionally, very, very helpful these past few days. The hotline, looks like I can't link, but you can search, they have a text or chat service. and for anyone out there like me, it's not just emotional slash verbal abuse, it's abuse and they are there to help and support. I spent a few hours over a few days just talking through things with people who really understood and it was exactly what I needed. Please reach out if it's something you need. Update 3, just discovered this sub, relieved to have a place to vent to people who will get it. Very recently realized that my 10-year-long relationship is, not healthy.

No need to go into details because the profile of a water torture from Lundy Bancrofts why would he do that fits him like a glove. Cruel, cutting remarks disguised as jokes or helpful comments. Constant criticism. That man could darvow the pants off of Trump. If I take a step back, it's impressive. All in all, it's taken me completely by surprise. In the last few weeks I've found out that I'm not the source of all our relationship troubles.

I'm not a complete fuck-up of a wife, and none of this is normal. It's a mind fuck. Now I'm biting time. I have an exit plan, but I'm saving for the next few months before I execute it. It's been about a week. I am fucking exhausted. All of that energy I used to spend twisting myself into exactly who I knew he wanted, regulating my reactions, hiding me.

It is not enough. Not nearly enough. Now that I see this shit in every interaction and spend my time cycling through rage and shame and excitement and mourning, I'm spent. Y'all, I have no idea how I'm going to get through the next few months. I'm so excited to start living again, but fuck. Update 4. Brief background. My husband's verbal abuse and coercive control have increased over the past decade.

I've recently realized the state of this marriage and am planning as I've become more aware of his behaviors and can see things more clearly it has been harder to maintain my good wife attitude, I'm standing up for myself more. I'm growing concerned about my safety but not sure if the incident today is enough to involve police. He has never been physically violent. Incident. Today, after I had upset him by standing up for myself in a conversation, he talked for at least a full minute about how he would KLL me as a joke. He said, roughly, that, because I was speaking this way to him lately, he would K-L-L me in my sleep, it would be easy because I'm such a sound sleeper.

Then went back and said I'm surprisingly strong when I'm asleep, I toss and turn, and that it might give me an advantage. More talk about how easy it would be than the part that bothered me most. No, if I'm going to go to all the trouble of Kaling you, I'd strangle you while you're awake, I'd want to see the light leave your eyes. I'd have to get something good out of it. The fact that it was fairly specific and in direct response to me upsetting him has me concerned for my safety between now and leaving, especially if he finds out or grows suspicious.

My gut says it might be worth involving the police and moving up my exit timeline. My concerns and questions, is what he said legally considered a threat? Is it actionable considering this is just based on my word? What would, likely, happen if I did chose to report this? Is there any way for me to report this without his knowledge? comment where OPP has replied, Car Queen, null, move up your exit date to now. Involving police at this very moment will give him an advantage on you and could anger him more.

Get your important documents out of their ASAP and move your funds from your joint account to an account he doesn't have access to. I would also suggest saving your photos from your phone somewhere and doing a hard reset on your phone to ensure he doesn't have phone tracking or that he doesn't have remote access to your phone. change passwords everywhere. But get out now. Oop, thank you, I appreciate the concern and advice. Working on putting a go bag together now with important documents and things I'll need.

I'm on high alert and moving up my exit date too. Okay, not now, but significantly sooner than I was planning. Update 5, hi. I'm not sure if anyone will see this, but I had such an outpouring of support over a whole bunch of suburb. so I thought this might be the best way to give an update. First, thank you. Thank you all. Everyone who reached out with support, everyone who shared their stories, everyone who pushed back and gave me the opportunity to form my own viewpoints and advocate for myself. Without the reality check that came from my posts, I'm sure I would have been stuck in this for much longer

than I was already. The update, I'm out. It was a long process, it wasn't linear, and there was so much self-doubt along the way. But I wanted to share the moment that it finally stuck. We had been going back and forth with the divorce. He's doing all the things, he's being the best version of himself, he's improving. Lots more details that ultimately aren't important. But he kept asking, Are you sure? And I wasn't for a long time. He worked his magic and I thought that maybe I'd made the worst mistake of my life. But he kept asking, and I kept listening to my gut. And I kept listening to my gut. I tried saying no, let's call this all off and work on us, but that didn't feel good. I felt heavy, like it was putting back on this huge burden that I had just started to get out of.

Then I tried saying maybe. I was being honest, I was confused and I told him that. I said I needed time, I needed space. But that felt restrictive, it felt like my body was being compressed. And one morning I realized I hadn't tried saying yes yet. I hadn't tried telling him that yes, I wanted this to be over. So I tried it, I said yes, let's end this. And it felt like all of the weight was lifted off of me.

It felt like I could fill my lungs fully again. It felt like the sort of warmth in your chest that you get when your mom gives you a hug. So it's stuck. I'm learning to listen to myself again and to trust my instincts. I'm not judging myself for my path to get here. I'm treating myself with all the compassion and kindness I deserved for all those years. I'm on my own path now and it feels so amazing to be here. So thank you all again for everything.

Thank you for your concern and outreach. I'm happier and healthier than I have been in a very long time. Next story, girlfriend disappeared for hours on the day we had wedding plans, so I panicked thinking something might have happened to her, but she was cheating with multiple guys and texting them while I was looking for her. A 29 male caught my girlfriend 31 female cheating on me. This time, I have undeniable proof after she lied to my face about it. We've been friends for five years and started dating three years ago.

I loved this woman with everything I had. I truly thought she felt the same. A few months ago, we hit a rough patch and argued a lot. I really thought we were going to break up. I hit rock bottom. I was severely depressed. One Saturday, we had plans to attend a wedding together. You live a fair distance away, and neither of us had a car, but we didn't mind taking the extra

steps to make it work. That morning, I asked what time you'd be coming over so we could get ready and head out. I even offered to pay for your Uber. You said, okay. Hours went by. I didn't hear from you, and I started spiraling. I had a panic attack. I checked your location and it wasn't your house.

It was some random parking lot. I messaged you. No reply. After a while, your location just turned off. I was worried sick. I kept calling. No answer for six hours. I was panicking.

Then, at 9.30 p.m., note this time, you finally picked up. Your first words were, are you okay? And I just broke down crying asking, are we okay? You told me your phone died and that you were just out with your friends from school and I believed you. You'd never lied to me before or so I thought. The next day, I couldn't even get out of bed. Depression hit me like a truck. You came over to comfort me.

But something felt off. I tried to shake it off thinking maybe it was just in my head. The morning, I placed your Apple watch on the charger. That's when I saw messages from you to your friend from school that you hung out with the day of the wedding. One said, he was growling in my ear. Another said I had to cover up my hickies like I was in school. Sent around 9.30, the exact time I was crying to you on the phone.

When you got out of the bathroom, I saw the marks on your neck. When I asked, you said they were from scratching. On our way to work, I brought up the messages. You said you were lying to your friend, that you made it all up. I didn't believe you but I swallowed it, and I swept it under the rug. Today, I was at your house as your family had a birthday party for you. Your family was there, some of your friends and our mutual friends too were there too, including the one that celebrated you cheating and lying.

The house was packed. I drank quite a bit because I knew I wasn't going to have the courage to do what I did. I went to your room to lie down in your bed, saying I didn't feel well. And after some time I told you I was going home and ordered an Uber. I'm in the Uber now typing this up, along with the iPad I gave you. While lying in your bed, I found it and on it I didn't just find proof of you cheating, I found everything. The day you turned your location off, you were with the guy you play Call of Duty with.

I'm mad at myself for not catching how often you played with him, and how you'd laugh at his jokes. I saw the messages, how you two talked for months, and how you planned a hotel meet up the day after he picked you up from work, how you kissed him in his car, how you told him we broke up, you sending a pick of the hickies he gave you, and guess what, those messages. Send at 9.45 p.m. the same time I was breaking down on the phone, and you were telling me everything was okay. How inconsiderate could you fucking be hearing some you claimed you love cry on the phone and while there you're texting your school friend and him about your infidelity?

Speaking of the school friend, I saw conversations celebrating your decision to cheat and laughing about how you got away with it gassing each other up for lying to me. And there are more shit I found. I found flirty messages with multiple Uber drivers. I found out the ring you said was from your late grandmother was actually from your ex-boyfriend. You wore it our entire relationship. I found messages to him too telling him you were single. That you will always love him. I saw more messages with your call of duty duo with him saying very sexual things and you saying how nice that sounded.

That was the same day I surprised you be coming over to your house for Thanksgiving. I found you sending sexy selfies to multiple men. Some of those pictures were from outing that we were out together. All this shit and yet you talked about marrying me? You're a piece of shit. Normally, I'm not a petty person but fuck it. By the time I press post, I will have already sent screenshots of everything to your friends, the ones who would be ashamed of you, to your family the ones who would disown you, to your call of

duty buddies, who knew nothing about your double life, to my family, to our friend group and to the shitty school friend who knew everything. Smiled at my face at the party and is still there thinking everything is great. Every person who ever believed in us will know the truth. I've never been more disappointed in anyone in my entire life. You made this bed. Now lie in it. Update 1, July 3rd, 2025.

Thank you all for the overwhelming support and kind messages after my last post. If anyone's wondering yes, I'm doing okay. Something just clicked while I was going through those messages. For the first time, I truly realized I'm worthy of love and that the first person who needs to give that love to me is me. Out of all the options I had in that moment, the one I chose. felt like the smartest. If I had confronted her in private, she could have manipulated the narrative or gaslit me into doubting what I saw. If I had gone downstairs and made a scene, would have been surrounded by her family and friends which would have turned into a screaming match where I'm

outnumbered. So I removed myself from the situation and let the truth unravel on its own. Just to clear a few things up. We both had our locations shared on iPhone. I wasn't stalking her. The sexy photos weren't nudes. And even still, I didn't send those pictures out only the text conversations between her and the guys she was messaging. Sending those to people is wrong on another level and I would never stoop that low. After I left, I took an Uber home, grabbed a few things and went to stay at my friend's place for the night. I felt okay, but I thought that's just the adrenaline. One and one I'm going to crash hard.

I've already signed up for therapy, scheduled an STI test, and I'm planning to take boxing and pottery classes just to keep myself active and focused. While I was staying over, one of her call of duty friends messaged me. Turns out the guy she slept with has a wife and kid. I'm not sure how that situation is unfolding, but I hope his wife finds out. That friend also told me she's been removed from their squad. Our mutual friend group has shown a lot of support. One of them even removed her as a bridesmaid from their upcoming wedding, and blocked her entirely. I thought everything had finally calmed down until I came back home this morning.

I had already blocked her on everything, so there was no way for her to reach me. Instead, she showed up. She drove her parents' car to my house and sat outside until she saw me. As I walked to my door, she came out crying hysterical, a messy mix of sadness and rage. I didn't say a word. Just walked inside and closed the door while she yelled from the other side until she eventually left. Nothing was mentioned about the Reddit post so I guess she didn't see it. Later that day, her brother called me.

He apologized on behalf of the family. He said everything seemed normal after I left until their mom check her phone. She pulled my ex aside, trying to keep things quiet. But then her aunt, the one who talks a lot. shouted, You're cheating on your boyfriend. In front of everyone. That blew the lid off. According to him, their family has a history with infidelity,

and it caused serious pain in the past. So this incident not only reopened old wounds but more cheating scandals within the family were exposed that same night. This party was supposed to be a reconciliation moment for relatives who hadn't seen each other in years. And the friend who celebrated the cheating with her? She got cussed out so badly by the family that she left in tears. Her brother told me he doesn't blame me for anything.

He even said I handled it better than most would have, and he's here if I need anything. Honestly, the only thing I feel bad about is unintentionally ripping apart a family that was trying to move forward. I had no idea all that was going on behind the scenes, and I do feel like an asshole for being the granade that set it all off. Update 2, July 15, 2025. Mentally, I've been doing okay. I'd be lying if I said this hasn't been hard, it has.

Some days are better than others. Part of me still have the urge to unblock her, just to see what she might say, but I haven't and I won't. One quote I saw on Twitter has been helping me stay grounded. It said, because no amount of I love you can erase the fact that you looked at my worth, waited against your urge, and picked the urge. I made that quote my phone's lock screen. It's a constant reminder not to give in.

On the health front, I'm clean so far, thankfully. I'm staying cautious and planned to continue regular checkups just to be safe. I'm also currently looking to move. I don't want to risk her showing up at my place again. Therapy's been going great. Pottery, though, I suck horribly but will still continue to go. I still carry some guilt at. about what happened with her family. I know I didn't cause the fractures, but I lit the match

that exposed all of it. According to one of her friends, she's aware of the post. That same friend messaged me calling me a dick, claiming this was an invasion of privacy and that I should have talked to her one-on-one instead of going public. I didn't respond. After everything that's happened, I've said my peace. I'm not interested in debating my healing process with people who is enabling her. Right now, I'm focused on moving forward.