Reddit Stories - Spouse has been BEHAVING oddly RECENTLY, and when I INQUIRED, they became quite

Episode Date: November 2, 2025

#redditstories #askreddit #aita #relationships #advice #marriage #communication #conflictSummary: Spouse has been behaving oddly recently, and when I inquired, they became quite distant. I'm unsure how to approach the situation and would appreciate advice on how to address this issue with my partner.Tags: redditstories, askreddit, reddit, aita, tifu, relationships, advice, marriage, communication, conflict, spouse, behavior, inquiry, distant, approach, partner, issue, advice needed, relationship adviceBecome a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/reddit-stories--6237355/support.

I hope you enjoy this story. Spouse has been behaving oddly recently, and when I inquired, they became quite defensive. Now, I'm beginning to question if there is something amiss. It never crossed my mind before. I'd be writing something like this about my marriage. My wife, 32F, and I, 34M, have been married for seven years, together for 10. We have a four-year-old son, and up until recently I would have said things were solid between us. We both work full time. Our life is busy with jobs, raising our kid, and trying to

squeeze in some time for ourselves here and there. A bit about us, I'm the more introverted type, I enjoy a quiet night playing video games or reading after the little guy is asleep. My wife Anna, not her real name, is more social. She's the kind who actually likes going to those after work happy hours or networking events. I've always admired. I've always admired. how outgoing she is because I kind of suck at small talk. But we balance each other well. She pulls me out of my shell for the occasional barbecue or neighbor's party, and I help her slow down when she's juggling too much. Until recently, I really thought we made a good team. Some possibly relevant context. About six months ago, Anna's department at work got a new project

lead, Jake, 35M. I met him briefly at my wife's office holiday party last year. He seemed friendly enough, kind of a loud guy who laughs a lot, honestly, he struck me as one of those people who makes friends instantly. Over the next few months, I started hearing his name more often. Anna would mention how Jake organized a team lunch, or how he shared a recipe with her for something she was making. She didn't talk about him in any weird way or anything, just to be a casually, the way you talk about anyone at work. I didn't think twice about it at first. Around March, Jake apparently went through a rough patch. From what Anna told me, his wife left him and he was getting divorced. I felt bad for the guy when I heard that. I've been lucky not to go

through something like a divorce, and I figured the guy could use friends. Well, fast forward a few months to now. Over the past few weeks, I've started to feel uneasy about how close they've gotten. And I want to be clear, I'm not the type who gets jealous easily. Anna's always had guy friends and I've had female friends and it was never an issue. But this feels different and I'm struggling to pin down exactly why. One thing is he started texting her more outside of work. Initially it was about work stuff or his divorce drama, which I understood. Anna would sometimes vent to me that Jake was having a hard time, like Jake asked for advice about finding a new apartment where Jake is really down today. I feel bad for him. I would just nod and say I hoped he was doing okay.

Then I noticed the texts were coming at later hours. Like we'd be watching TV and she'd get a ping at 9 or 10 p.m. She started holding her phone a little closer or stepping out of the room to talk when he needed to vent. I thought it was a bit odd, but I also didn't want to jump to conclusions or be the controlling husband who polices who she can talk to. So one night I simply said, He's leaning on you a lot lately. Are you doing okay with that? It seems like it might be getting to be a bit much. She looked a little defensive and said, It's fine, he just doesn't have many friends to talk to right now. I dropped it because she seemed touchy, and I figured maybe she was just feeling pity for him. A couple of weeks ago, things escalated a little. We had this plan to

watch a movie together after our son went to sleep. We hadn't had a proper date night in a while. But as I was setting up the movie, she got a call from Jake. This was around 8.30 p.m. I could tell from her face it was him, and she kind of sighed and said, sorry, I got to take this, it might be important. She went out to our back porch to talk. I could sort of hear the murmur of her voice through the glass door. At one point, I heard her saying, no, you're not a burden, it's okay. She was out there for maybe 20 to 30 minutes. By the time she came back in, the movie was halfway over and my mood was kind of killed. She apologized, but then said, he was having a really bad night. I didn't know what to say. I just said, okay. Is he all right? She said, yeah,

he's calmer now. I tried to salvage the evening by suggesting we still watch something shorter or just hang out, but she said she was tired and had a headache from the call. So she just went upstairs to bed. I stayed up for a while, feeling a little put out. After that incident, I really started paying attention. She was on her phone more often, like Facebook Messenger or WhatsApp or something. I occasionally saw the green chat bubble notification pop up. If I entered the room, she'd sometimes click out of it quickly. Once or twice, I casually asked, how's Jake doing? And she'd give pretty short answers like he's okay or work's been rough on him. It felt like she didn't want to talk about him as much with me anymore, which was weird because earlier she'd tell me all this stuff about his

divorce process and everything. The real turning point that made me post here was an argument we had three nights ago. That evening, she mentioned kind of offhand that she was planning to grab coffee on Saturday, which was yesterday at the time, with some work friends, including Jake. She phrased it like it was a group thing. A few of us from the team might grab coffee in the morning, just to catch up outside the office. Normally I'd have no issue with that. I encourage her to maintain her friendships, but given everything, I had a feeling it wasn't sitting right with me.

So I asked who was going. She listed two other names, a female colleague and another guy from her team, along with Jake. Cool, fine. Saturday morning comes. She left around 10 a.m. for this coffee meetup. I was home with our son. Around noon, she texted that they decided to get brunch after coffee, and that she'd be home a bit later, by 2 p.m.

Okay. 2 p.m. rolls around, then 3. Our son was getting fussy, so I fed him lunch and we watched cartoons. She finally got home close to 4 p.m. She immediately went upstairs saying she needed to use the bathroom and freshen up. I was like, uh, you okay. How was brunch? She shouted down from the bathroom, it was fine.

Sorry it ran long, everyone was chatting. Something about it felt off to me. For one, she normally tells me a bit about her friends or funny stories from their meetups, but this time basically nothing. And being gone from 10 to 4 for coffee and brunch seemed longer than usual. When she came back downstairs, I was in the kitchen cleaning up. I asked casually, so, who all made it to coffee finally? She mentioned the same people she told me before.

Then I asked, what was the place you guys went for brunch? Maybe we could take, our son, there's some time. She hesitated just a second and said, oh, just a diner near the office. Something in her tone or body language. I don't know. It could be my imagination, but she seemed off. She changed the topic quickly, asking what our son and I did while she was out. That night I couldn't shake the feeling that something was weird about the whole thing.

If it really was an innocent group hang, why did I feel like I was being fed a story? I don't have any proof that anything is wrong. She did mention names of actual co-workers and for all I know they were all there. But my gut has been turning over this. I ended up asking her point blank if everything was okay with us. She looked surprised and said, yeah, why? I told her, I feel like we haven't spent much time together lately, and I notice you're often busy with your phone or with coworkers.

I just miss you, I guess. She softened a bit and hugged me, saying, I know, I'm sorry. Work and life have just been so hectic. I'll try to be more present. That actually made me feel better, temporarily. Then I brought up the specific issue, I said, I think the stress with helping Jake through his divorce might be a lot. Maybe you could encourage him to talk to a therapist or other friends too, so it's not always on you. But she immediately got defensive.

She said, why are you so hung up on this? He's a friend who needed support. I can't just tell him to screw off, I said, that's not what I'm. I'm saying, I'm just feeling like it's taking a toll on you, on us. Like the other time, we barely spent any time together because he called. She rolled her eyes and replied, It was one night, and I told you I was sorry. You're being overdramatic. Things kind of spiraled from there. I admitted that it bothered me how much they text and that she was hiding her screen and stuff. She then got angry and said, I'm imagining things. When I mentioned the coffee

turning into a long brunch, she got really upset. She said I was basically accusing her of something inappropriate when she was just out with work friends. She said, if you don't trust me, just say it. She was almost yelling at that point, which is rare for her. I responded, I want to trust you, but something feels off and I can't ignore it. She shot back that if something feels off, it's probably just me projecting my own insecurities, and that she has never given me a real reason not to trust her. By the end of this fight, I was the one apologizing. I kind of panicked at how angry she was. I said maybe I was being paranoid and that I'm sorry for making her feel like I don't trust her. She went to bed without really accepting my apology, just said, whatever, I'm tired,

and that was that. Today, Sunday, has been awkward and cold. We barely talked, just took turns with the kid and did our own chores. Now I'm sitting here typing this out because I genuinely don't know if I'm reading too much into a bad situation. On one hand, I feel like my concerns are valid, something in my marriage feels wrong lately and it seems connected to this guy. On the other hand, I can't pinpoint any concrete evidence of actual wrongdoing. She says they're just friends and co-workers, and maybe he's monopolizing her time a bit, but does that make me an asshole for getting upset about it? So I could use an outside perspective.

Did I handle this wrong? Update 1, I want to say I read through as many of the responses as I could. I honestly didn't expect that volume of feedback. The general consensus seemed to be that my concerns were valid and that I'm not crazy or evil for feeling uneasy. A lot of people told me to trust my gut. Some suggested I talked to a couple of Anna's coworkers or friends to verify things, while others said I should straight up confront her or even check her phone.

Opinions were mixed on that. A few did say I might be overthinking, but the majority made me feel less like an insecure idiot and more like someone who senses a real issue. So thank you for that perspective. It's been a few days since my post. I did, however, find a way to confirm some suspicions about that Saturday coffee slash brunch. And it basically confirmed that she wasn't fully honest with me. On Monday, purely by coincidence, I ran into our neighbor Tom while grabbing the mail. Tom is a friendly guy a few years older than us. We sometimes chat about sports or yard work. Over small talk, he mentioned, oh hey, I think I saw Anna on Saturday. I was driving by the downtown cafe strip around noon and I could have sworn I saw her sitting outside

a Java cafe with a guy. I only caught a glance at the back of her head from the car, but I thought it was her. Was that you with her? I didn't see a kid, so I wasn't sure. I played it cool though. I just said, oh, I wasn't there. She was out with some co-workers on Saturday, maybe you saw them. He responded kind of casually, ah, okay, I only saw two people and thought one looked like Anna, but I was driving so I could be wrong. We wrapped up the chat, but now I was pretty sure he wasn't wrong at all. He basically confirmed that my wife was with just one guy and no one else, at least at that moment he drove by.

This hit me hard. It's one thing to have a hunch, it's another to have someone else corroborated. She had looked me in the eye and told me it was a group thing. That was a flat-out lie. I spent Monday evening turning this over in my head. I knew I had to talk to her about it. I was initially going to wait a bit and see if anything else happened, but I couldn't. The lying about something so straightforward was eating at me.

So Tuesday night, after our son was asleep, I approached her. I told her a short version of what I heard, I ran into Tom, and he mentioned he thought he saw you at Java Cafe on Saturday with someone. He didn't see the others around. Is there something you want to tell me about that? meet up. Her face went through a few emotions quickly, surprise, then a kind of panic, then she settled on annoyed slash defensive. She said, Tom must have been mistaken or not seen everyone. We were sitting outside and people came and went. I responded that it seemed like he only

saw her and one guy. She then sighed and admitted, okay, fine. The others canceled last minute. It ended up being just me and Jake. I knew you'd get upset about it, so I didn't mention that detail. That's all it was, we had coffee, then brunch, just talking about everything he's going through. I'm sorry I lied, I just didn't want to deal with another argument. I was pretty upset. I told her the lying is a huge deal to me. I said, do you understand how bad it looks that you hid that for me?

How is that supposed to make me feel okay about this friendship of yours? She got angry at that, flipping it around. I hid it because you were already accusing me of who knows what. You were judging me just for trying to be there for a friend. So yeah, I didn't want to poke the bear. That phrase, poke the bear, rubbed me wrong. I'm her husband, not some angry bear to manage. I told her as much.

If nothing inappropriate is happening, why are you treating me like I'm unreasonable for even being concerned? All I want is honesty. You didn't have to lie about a group hang that wasn't happening. She retorted, if I'd told you up front it was just him and me, would you have been chill about it? Honestly? I admitted I would have been uncomfortable, but my point was that I should have been given a chance to have that discussion rather than being deceived. She then dropped this on me, he needed to talk one on one, okay.

He's been a mess. I figured it was better to say it was a group so you're not. you wouldn't overreact to me helping him out. At this point I was struggling to keep my voice down. The last thing we need is our four-year-old waking up to mom and dad shouting. I told her, this isn't about me overreacting. This is about the fact that you're prioritizing his comfort over being honest with me. You chose to lie to me so you could have a meetup with another man one-on-one.

She shot back, secret meetup. Jesus, listen to yourself. It wasn't secret, I told you I was going out, you knew where I was. I reminded her that she explicitly told me others would be there, which was a lie by omission at best. The conversation went in circles for a bit. She kept insisting nothing happened and that I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I kept emphasizing that her lying in defensiveness are exactly what makes it a big deal. Eventually she kind of threw her hands up and said, I can't do this.

You're not going to trust me no matter what I say. Then she said she was going to sleep at her sister's place for the night because she can't be around this paranoia. She packed an overnight bag and left. That was last night. She's not back yet as I write this Wednesday evening. She picked up our son from daycare today and apparently dropped him off at my parents. We often have my parents babysit if one of us can't. She texted me that our son is spending the night at my folks because she's,

She needs time to think and assume I do too. So here I am alone in a very quiet house. I'm torn up. Part of me is like, what the hell is going on with my marriage? Another part of me is angry that she's turning this around on me, as if I'm the problem for not blindly accepting whatever. I haven't told anyone else in real life about this yet, besides inadvertently Tom, who doesn't even know the context of what he saw.

I'm debating reaching out to one of her close friends to see if they know anything, but I'm not sure if that's a good idea. To be honest, I have expected her to come home today apologetic, but instead she's doubling down and avoiding me. It's hard to describe how surreal this feels. A week ago I was second-guessing myself for even being suspicious. Now it's blown up into a situation where my wife left rather than talk it through. This all feels so messed up and I'm riding a of emotions from one hour to the next, hurt, then angry, then terrified, then numb. Update 2. It's been about a week since my last update. I wish I had better news. A lot has happened, and none of it is great. After that night when Anna left to stay at her sisters, we had very minimal contact for a couple days. We kept communication strictly about our son's schedule. She stayed at her sister's place through the rest of the week. I was basically on single dad duty except when she'd come by to take our son for a few hours or when he stayed with my parents.

It was awkward and painful. When she'd come to pick him up or drop him off, we barely spoke beyond a strained higher logistics like I'll bring him back by seven. It was like we were divorced roommates or something. Finally, this past Saturday, she asked if we could talk that evening after we handed off our son to my parents for an overnight. My folks offered to watch him so we could have a conversation, they could tell something was very wrong, and I ended up confiding in my mom a bit. I agreed. So Saturday night, she came to the house and we sat down in the living room. I don't think I'll

ever forget that conversation. We kind of danced around it at first, both of us just sitting there in heavy silence. Finally I said, just tell me why. I deserve to know. I deserve to know. I was a know what's going on in your head. She started apologizing immediately, I never meant to hurt you. She was tearing up, and that actually made me soften a bit despite everything, seeing her cry. I told her I needed her to be honest, no matter how painful. I asked straight up if she was having an affair with Jake. She admitted, sort of. She said, I have feelings for him. I won't lie about that. But it was a little. But it was a little. wasn't like I set out intending for this to happen. According to her, it started out as friendship.

She said she didn't realize how attached she'd become to him until the last couple months. They spent a lot of time talking, at work, then about his personal struggles, and then apparently about her feelings too. She said she'd been feeling lonely and disconnected in our marriage for a while, and that having someone who listened to all her anxieties and appreciated her made her feel a spark she hadn't felt in a long time. Hearing that was devastating. I asked her, disconnected how. I thought we were doing okay.

Why didn't you tell me any of this? She said she wasn't even sure how to bring it up and that she didn't want to burden me because I always seemed busy or stressed with work and the kid. That stung, because yeah life has been busy, but I had no idea she felt that neglected. I would have done anything to fix it if I'd known. I pressed on to the big question, did it go beyond feelings? Did you two do anything physical?

She hesitated. Eventually she nodded and said, we kissed. A couple of times. She swore that was the extent of it physically, no sex. She said the first time was about a month ago, after a late work night when he was upset about some legal news with his divorce. She claims it was an impulsive moment and they both immediately said it shouldn't have again. But then it happened again one other time. She didn't specify exactly when, just

recently. She kept insisting that she never slept with him and that she couldn't go through with that because every time she got close to that line she thought of our family. I sat there, just numb and shaking my head. I remember saying something like, you do realize a kiss is already a huge betrayal, right? You've been emotionally checked out with me and invested in him. That's an affair, whether you had sex or not, she said she knows and that she feels horrible and guilty. She actually got somewhat angry at herself, I think, and said, I don't expect you to forgive me. I don't even forgive myself. I asked her what she wanted to do now.

She didn't answer at first. She responded, I don't know, she said she's deeply confused and that she cares about Jake a lot but also loves me and loves our life together. that hearing herself say it out loud, she realizes how ridiculous it sounds to have feelings for two people. She said she hates herself for messing everything up. But she also admitted that part of her is drawn to him and she can't just turn that off overnight. That was devastating to hear. But weirdly I appreciated the honesty in that moment. It's better than her feeding me some easy answer. I told her I can't be in a marriage where she's on the fence about wanting to be with me. I said if she's not 100% committed to working on us, then I can't do this.

She cried a lot at that and said, I understand. I just. I need time to sort myself out. I'm sorry. So, as of now, we are effectively separated. Not officially legally or anything. We haven't talked about lawyers or divorce yet, but she is continuing to stay at her sisters. We agreed to keep a routine for our son, which is the main thing we actually aligned on.

We're splitting time with him so he has consistency. So far he's so young he doesn't really understand. He just thinks Mommy is having a sleepover at aunties a lot. It breaks my heart, honestly. This whole situation is breaking my heart. I'm trying to keep it together. I did inform my older brother and a couple of close friends about what's going. on, and they've been supportive. My mom knows we're having serious problems, I spared her the details,

but she knows we're taking time apart. From the outside we probably look like the least likely couple to be in this kind of situation, so everyone is pretty shocked. As for Jake, well, I asked her if she's still talking to him. She claims that since our blow-up fight and her staying at her sisters, she has not seen him outside of work and that she told him they needed to cool things down while she figures out her marriage. She says he knows that she's on thin ice with me. I didn't know how to respond to that. Part of me wanted to grab my keys, drive to wherever the hell he lives, and have it out with him. But I didn't. I have not spoken to him at all, I don't even have his number, and I'm not about to show up at her office. So that's where we stand. She's asked for some time and space to figure out

what she really wants. I'm here at home trying to pretend to our son that everything is normal, when it's absolutely not. I don't know what's going to happen. I told her I can't wait forever, and that she should make whatever decision she's going to make sooner rather than later. She said she understood. I'm not going to lie, a part of me still hopes she chooses us, chooses our family. I know some of you will think I'm pathetic for that, but after 10 years together it's hard to turn off that love and hope like a switch. Another part of me is furious and feels betrayed and thinks maybe I should be the one making the decision.

Maybe I should just file for divorce and end it. I go back and forth hourly. We haven't set a firm timeline or anything. We're just in limbo. I guess she needs to see if the grass is greener or whatever terrible cliche fits here. I told her I'm not going to be intimate with her or play happy couple while she's figuring herself out. For now, it's like we're cooperative co-parents and civil exes, except we're still technically married and I'm just a mess inside every day. Update 3, since the

last update, we continued our awkward limbo for a while. We were living apart, her at her sisters, doing the kid handoff routine, and only talking when necessary. Every time I saw her, it was painful. Sometimes she looked just as miserable as I felt, other times she put on a brave face. Ultimately, I reached a breaking point last week, during one of the kid exchanges, she mentioned that she wanted to talk about a schedule change because she and her sister, with whom she's staying, were planning to take our son to a zoo event on a day that was originally my day. I had no issue with the zoo, but then my son, overhearing us, said excitedly, yeah, mommy and me and Uncle Jake are going to see the lions. I swear I had to pause to keep my

composure. Uncle Jake. My wife's friend has now been introduced to my four-year-old, apparently. I just said, we'll figure out the schedule later. I think Anna realized how that sounded because she looked a bit panicked and quickly told our son, oh, it's not for sure, buddy. She then left pretty quickly after that. That was it for me. That night, I sat down and thought long and hard. Actually, let's be real, I mostly just stared at a wall seething with anger. Introducing our child to him, framing him as uncle. How dare she? That moved me from heartbroken to angry.

Even if she thought she might end up with this guy, doing that now, before we've even decided our marriage as fate, felt incredibly disrespectful. After I cooled down a little, I realized I can't live in this limbo anymore. It's tearing me up and it's not fair to our kid either to have things so unsettled. I ended up consulting a divorce attorney. I just needed to know my options and how this might go, especially regarding custody of our son, the house, etc. The lawyer explained my options regarding separation, custody, etc. It was a depressing conversation, but oddly I felt a small sense of control afterward,

like at least I was doing something proactive. A couple days ago, I met with Anna in person, at the house, after our son was asleep, she came over specifically to talk. I told her that this situation isn't sustainable and that I was planning to file for divorce if we couldn't find a clear path to reconciliation immediately. I was pretty firm about it. I expected her to either say okay, I understand or maybe to argue. Honestly, I wasn't sure.

Her reaction was tears. She started crying and saying, Is this really what you want? Do you really want to end it like this? I told her, I don't want any of this. But I also can't keep doing what we're doing. It's killing me, and it's not fair to anyone. I said if she wanted to truly work on our marriage,

like marriage counseling, cutting off contact with Jake entirely, being fully transparent, all of that, then I was willing to try, if she showed me she was 100% in. But if she couldn't commit to that right now, then there was no point dragging this out. She didn't give me a direct answer. She mostly cried and said, I'm sorry, repeatedly. I asked what exactly she was sorry for, was she sorry for hurting me and ready to rebuild, or sorry that things were ending but still unable to let go of him? She just said, I never meant for any of this. I was so stupid.

I ruined everything. I pressed again, do you want to fix this marriage or not? I need an answer, because I'm ready to walk away if you can't decide. She then said something like, maybe you're right, maybe you should walk away. You'd be better off without me.

It was almost like she was too cowardly to directly say she doesn't want it, basically pushing me to be the one to end things. I told her, I'm going to talk to the lawyer about drawing up the papers. She just nodded through tears. I admit, I was angry at that moment and said something I probably shouldn't have. I hope he was worth it. She started sobbing more and ran out without responding. So, yeah, I guess I'm moving forward with a divorce. I haven't filed yet.

I have another meeting with the lawyer to get paperwork started in a couple days. But unless she has some miraculous change of heart and clarity before then, that's where this is headed. Ungutted. This is not the outcome I wanted when I first posted. It feels surreal to be researching custody schedules and who gets the house when a month ago I was just worried about some texts on her phone. But here we are. Our son still doesn't know anything concrete. We haven't used the word divorce and won't until it's actually in motion and we figure out living arrangements. For now, he just knows Mommy isn't at home as much. We're trying to keep his world as stable as possible. Update 4, final, it's been a couple more weeks since I last updated.

I guess this will be my final update for now, since there's not much more to do except live through the aftermath. I did go ahead and file for divorce. She was served the papers about a week ago. We've started the process of working out the separation details. Surprisingly, or maybe not surprisingly, she didn't contest anything. In fact, she seemed almost defeatist about it, like she expected it. I'm an individual therapy, which is helping me keep my head on straight. We're hammering out a co-parenting plan that we both agree is fair to our son. Neither of us wants a nasty court battle, and I do give her credit for being cooperative on custody and

finances so far. It's all painfully civil. We mostly communicate via email or brief exchanges about our son. Every time I see her, it opens the wound all over again, I see the woman I loved, and then I remember what happened. That's going to take a long time to reconcile internally. I'm leaning toward sticking with the divorce. Maybe once the dust settles and we're officially apart, I can truly start healing. Right now it still feels raw. I have good days and really bad days. I've been leaning on friends and family a lot and focusing on being the best dad I can be. My little boy is the bright spot in all of this. He's young enough that I think he'll adapt, especially since we're aiming for a stable joint custody arrangement and plan to both

be in his life as cooperative co-parents. There's no tidy or satisfying ending to this. My marriage is over, my trust is broken, and I'm just trying to pick up the pieces day by day. I'm glad the truth is out, even if it hurt more than I could have imagined. Life goes on, I guess.