Reddit Stories - Spouse of two DECADES had an affair with a PARAMOUR and I DISCOVERED

Episode Date: May 16, 2026

#redditstories #askreddit #aita #infidelity #marriage #betrayal #relationshipadvice #divorce  Summary: After discovering that my spouse of two decades had an affair with a paramour, I was left devastated and confused. The betrayal shattered my trust and forced me to confront the reality of our marriage. Seeking advice on how to navigate this painful situation and decide on the next steps.  Tags: redditstories, askreddit, reddit, aita, tifu, infidelity, marriage, betrayal, relationshipadvice, divorce, heartbreak, trustissues, emotionalpain, healing, movingon, lifechanges, support, advice, personalstory, copingstrategiesBecome a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/reddit-stories--6816713/support.This episode includes AI-generated content.

I hope you enjoy this story. Spouse of two decades had an affair with the paramour and I discovered their intimate photographs and upcoming arrangements, now I'm shattered. I am 48 years old and have been in a marriage for 20 years. Years in January. A little history, I come from a broken, violent, alcoholic childhood. Trust is key to me and structure, safety, and providing our paramount to my existence. I met my wife when we were working in a restaurant. I was a manager and she was an employee, five years younger than me. She lost her parents to a car accident as a toddler and was raised by her uncle.

She has huge abandonment issues, is extremely emotional and can be violently rageful in certain situations. She is mostly kind and loving, and the support and dedication I have shown her over the last 20 years has helped to quiet her soul and rage. When we first started working together, I found her very attractive, but I did not pursue anything because I was her manager. I had a part-time gig bartending and she used to come down to the bar to see me and flirt. I didn't encourage her behavior, but I was always nice in turning her about a month into her coming down to visit she came in one night, walked right up to me, jumped into my arms, and started making out with me. This time I didn't turn her away, I mean, who would? Here was a striking, young, full of energy girl who obviously was extremely attracted to me.

I had just ended a five-year marriage that was a huge mistake, and I had a young daughter. I was just getting back out on the scene, was fit, and enjoying the company of several women. Who was I to pass up on someone like this? We spent that night together and I told her the next day that she would have to quit her job at the restaurant if she wanted us to continue seeing each other. She put in her notice that day. We were together pretty much every day after that. She basically moved in with me, and we went and got all her things from where she was staying a week later. I stopped seeing anyone else and even had to turn one of the other girls down when that girl came into my work and told me she needed to F.

I told her I couldn't because I was in a relationship, and the girl said, no one will know. I told her I would, and she left. My current wife and I had some small disagreements early on, and there was a lot of the dating games that young people play going on. I felt I was too old for all of that crap, and one night, after she had decided to stay out with her friends, instead of coming home with me, I went to her apartment, packed all of her crap, and placed it all on the doorstep. I sat on the couch and waited for her to come home. I saw the headlights from her friend's car as they dropped her off, and I watched through the people as she walked. up to the doorstep. She stood there, frozen, looking at all of her suitcases standing before her. I opened the door, saw the tears streaming down her face, and said the following,

I am too old for these games. I am here, right now, in front of you and you need to make a choice. You have to love my daughter, and take care of me and I will always take care of you. If you can do that, then grab your things and come inside. She came in and we have been together. She came in and we have been ever since. During the first few years of our marriage, I was clearly not ready to be the man I am today. I racked up two DUIs and I cheated on her four or five times. She never knew about the infidelities, and after the last DUI she told me I love you more than anything, but I can't do this. If you ever get another DUI, I will have to leave you. That was the end of all the drinking and extramarital stuff for me. I was 100% dedicated after that.

I spent the next 20 years building my career. I took jobs all throughout the state, and we had to move an hour and a half away from our hometown for a job. My wife just couldn't do it. We had a baby by then, and she felt too isolated, so I moved her back to town and started commuting to work. For seven years. It was rough, but I did it to provide for my family and so I got through it. Eventually a spot came open in our hometown with my company and I took it. Later, I was grabbed up by a private owner to run his businesses, and finally another private group brought me on and gave me an ownership slice to run their units. After 15 years together I had reached the pinnacle in my business life, my family was doing well, and I was making more money than I ever had. My wife wanted to go back to school to further her education, and I was at work so much that I thought it was fine. Work became pretty toxic at work, and that environment began to grind me down. I began to close off and internalize, and my relationship with my wife really suffered. We were rarely intimate, only having segs a few times a year, and she has an

overactive libido. I was depressed and unapproachable, and really I was just dying inside. My wife started asking to go hang out with some of our friends while I was at work. I didn't like it, but at that point I was dead inside and just said okay to whatever she wanted to do. It was easier for her to be gone than to face her disappointment with me when I got home from a soul-crushing work environment. Her outings became more and more frequent, but I was okay with it because she was spending time with people I had been friends with for 20 years. I completely trusted everyone in the circle that she was hanging out with. I know, I'm an idiot. About a year ago I started to realize that this work environment

was not going to work for me anymore. I was constantly at odds with the partners, and we were not even on speaking terms anymore. I started to look back at my life and what I saw was that I had shut out everything that I had ever valued about myself. I had turned myself into a soulless ATM to provide comfort and stability for my family. I was barren of emotion. Don't get me wrong, there were great times as a family during those two decades, but as a person I was empty. I decided that after my wife completed her education I was going to look for another way to make money, and I was going to try and recapture some of myself. It was during this exact time when my wife decided she would try a new life on for herself. One of the guys in the

group, someone I had been friends with for 20 years, decided to hold her hand on one of those group outings, and that started a year-long emotional affair. During that time I could feel some discomfort in the back of my head when she went out with our friends, but I was so dead inside that I just ignored it. I didn't want to face any more pain or discomfort at the time. We went on through the beginning of this year, and I noticed that my wife was becoming more aloof and distant, but I was still in no place to address her behavior emotionally. Then COVID hit. We were sequestered and locked down for months, and she later told me that she felt this would be the time that she and I could reconnect and revitalize our marriage. Unfortunately, I was still in the

process of shedding that work life and I was unable to bridge the gap initially. We started lockdown in April, and by June she had decided that she was going to leave me when she completed her program. Of course, I had no idea. During quarantine I didn't have work, so there were more opportunities for me to start seeing my friends again. My wife and I were invited to a wedding that one of the guys in the group was having and it was the first time in over a year that I was going to be able to see them all. I was super excited and I had a great time, but my wife's AP was forced to face what he was doing when I showed up. He started to cut off their interaction, and after a second gathering during the same month, he basically cut it all the way off.

So now my wife of 19 years is facing multiple decisions. Her program was almost complete, her marriage to me was over, and the relationship she hoped to carry on after she left me was finished as well. She still didn't have the courage to tell me she was leaving because she needed my support to get past the finish line, but she had to start planting seeds for how her new life would develop. Three weeks before she was to take her boards and get her license, she brought up the idea of taking a job at the coast two hours away. She said it was because there were no jobs in town, she would make a lot of money at the coast, and she could start working right away. She then said she had an interview the next day. I, of course, did not agree, and it was during

that discussion slash argument that I felt we were no longer having a conversation about my wife working at the coast, but that we were discussing her leaving me. I confronted her about what she was really talking about, but she wasn't ready to pull the trigger. I told her that I loved her more than anything, but that I wouldn't beg her to stay. I told her that she wasn't responsible for me, and she didn't need to feel guilty because I had taken care of them for the last 20 years. I just want to know what you are going to do so I can start putting my life back together. It took me a minute to get my wits about me, and then the investigation began. I got into her computer and found archived drafts of letters she had written AP over the last year.

I scoured all of the avenues in her computer and discovered she had stopped sinking all of her devices the previous year. I started piecing things together, and then I found AP's name. At first, I was shocked, but a second later I thought, of course it was him. I set up counseling for us, but it had to be through Zoom because of COVID. I had sent everything I found and how I felt to our counselor. We had seen her, off and on, for about 15 years. and she is really the reason my wife and I had lasted as long as we did. On the day of my wife's appointment I was out driving around, having a mental breakdown.

I was driving through the foothills outside of town screaming and howling at the top of my lungs. I felt guilty about pushing her away and I was taking responsibility for the end of our marriage. I felt like it was me who had violated her and I wanted to die. I wanted to point my truck at a brick wall and drive into it at 100 miles per hour. Just as I was calming down and heading back home my wife called me. I didn't answer because I couldn't talk. Well, during their session our counselor used AP's name and my wife freaked out. My wife hadn't told anyone about the affair and she couldn't figure out how our counselor knew.

She went and opened my iPad and found the evidence I had scraped from her computer. My wife was frantically calling me to see where I was because... Get this. She was afraid for AP. My wife asks if I have confronted AP and I say no. She is horrified at the prospect of me contacting him saying it wasn't his fault and he doesn't deserve this. What she forgets is that AP and I have been good friends for 20 years and his violation is just as much a betrayal as hers. This conversation follows the arch that many of the following ones where we settle, we talk, and then we resolve to continue trying with each other. We start going to counseling separately, and our therapist lets it be known that my wife will have a long road getting over this love that she had for AP. As I was not emotionally available for my wife for so many years.

The therapist says that the affair, though only an emotional one, was strong and will be difficult for my wife to let go of for some time. It is gutting to hear this, but I know that I contributed to putting my wife in this mindset. It didn't matter that I had worked my crap off for 20 years, slept in cars and bathed in mop sinks to provide for my family. What mattered was that my wife was left, for all intents and purposes, alone in our marriage. I felt tremendous guilt for that. As we progressed in counseling, I obviously struggled with trust. I tried to manage my desire to go through all of her devices and find everything. I wanted to know if they were still communicating, and I didn't believe that they had not been physical. It shouldn't have mattered

because trust was broken either way, but it nodded me. I started watching videos and reading books about infidelity and most of them stated that the cheater was most often expected to provide access to all of their devices and communications if they truly desire to reestablish trust. I hated the idea of asking for that access, but I wanted it too. I just avoided the situation for the time being. At this point I was very weak emotionally. I was terrified that I was going to lose my wife of 20 years, and I felt no power to ask or demand anything from her. It was as if I had betrayed her after 20 years. I was walking on eggshells in our communication. We did reconnect physically, getting after it sometimes three or four times a day. We had more SEGs in the first

two weeks after I discovered her infidelity than we had in the last five years. It was amazing. The times in between our intimacy were excruciating. After a couple weeks I could not shake the need to contact AP, so I did. I sent him a text letting him know that I had discovered he had an affair with my wife. I explained to him that I had placed her in a terrible situation in our marriage and that I understood how it happened. I told him that I wanted to talk it out with him so that the three of us could move on. Because we all shared a very close-knit set of friends and I didn't want it to be awkward forever. The next day, as I was driving to work, my wife sent me a text asking if I had contacted AP. I lied and said no and she immediately responded, don't lie to me. I would later

learn that AP was no longer responding to her messages. Their preferred app to communicate was Snapchat, and he left her messages unattended. She deduced that I had contacted AP and he was spooked. I fessed up that I had indeed contacted him, but I told her that the text was less about her and more about the long relationship that I had with AP. I wanted to try and salvage what I could for the three of us. Wife was furious, of course, and immediately left our house to meet with AP at his home. I was an hour away for work and immediately set off for home. Wife was at AP's house for under five minutes before heading home. I called her, but she responded that she needed a minute.

Later learned that she needed a minute because she was messaging him and he was not responding. When she got home she called and we talked until I got home, and then for an hour after before making love and falling asleep. She asked me not to contact AP anymore unless he requested and I agreed. I was still a fragile little shell inside. This could not feel worse. We spent our days together, carefully watching each other, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Every move, every phrase, every turn of the eye took on its own significance and signaled something that had to be deciphered.

It was exhausting. We started taking trips away from town, and when we were away the shadows of AP seemed less looming. We worked on rebuilding this marriage that we had lived for 20 years, but there was always this whisper in the back. of my mind. For weeks into the rehabilitation we were shopping at a Lowe's, and as we were talking an alert popped up on her phone. Wife looks at phone, and then turns away to enter code. Devastated. I knew that she was still hiding things. I felt like this would never be over. Because I didn't think things would end unless I did something. I contacted AP again and arranged a meeting, which he agreed to. I didn't tell wife until the day of the meeting,

and 30 minutes before heading over I told her that AP had asked to meet. The light and loving face that she had been carrying daily turned to a nasty scowl. She told me I won't be here when you get back. I was thrown back and I almost said I wouldn't go, but I told her I needed for this piece to be done. What are you guys going to do? Talk about what a piece of crap I am. I told her, again, that it was about my relationship with AP and not just about her. I left and met AP at a restaurant.

We took some shots and got right into it. He explained how he had just gotten out of a terrible relationship and that the attention wife provided him helped his depression. He said he let it go too far, and I said, yeah, the bears she sent you and the digital flirting were too far. His gaze fell to the floor and he acknowledged it was wrong. We talked for about an hour, and then I headed home. Wife wasn't there when I got home. She was driving around town, probably blowing off some steam, and was drunk, so I went to bed.

She got home around 1 a.m. She had stopped by a couple's house that we were friends with and had gotten a call for a ride from our daughter. She woke me up when she got home and asked what was said during my meeting with AP. I told her again that it had not been about her, but that we were talking about how it happened, and how we should proceed together. We talked for a while, made love again, and went to sleep. At this point the ping-pong effect of being blissfully physical and emotionally betrayed was wearing on me. During one of my sessions the therapist had emphasized that there should be no communication between AP and wife. Therapist explained that wife would never get past the affair with continued contact.

I agreed. Therapist also said that wife should allow access to all devices to reassure me and that she should be trying to build trust instead of me doing all of the heavy lifting. When I mentioned it to my wife, she said, I will give you the code if you want it. That was not the response I wanted from her. I wanted her to just turn her phone over to me and tell me the code. She was bluffing, and I knew it, but I didn't call. Still so weak.

During the next therapy session my counselor told me that I was being a doormat, and that I needed to set some firm parameters. She told me that at this point I was tramping myself for emotional love for my wife, and if I didn't stop we would never make it long term. She told me that wife should block AP on all social media and give me full access. I told her I would bring it up with wife. Wife and I headed out of town for her job at the coast and as we were discussing where to eat, I told her to find somewhere quiet so we could talk.

I had been riding my bike over with her, and we would stay at a hotel for a couple of nights together before I headed back home for work on Wednesday. This was the third week we had done it, and I wanted to get the boundaries established before I headed home. We had discussed her blocking AP the day before and she had agreed. I was going to let her know I wanted access to all of her stuff at dinner and make sure that she had deleted slash blocked him on all her social media. I mockishly brought up the conversation I had with the therapist and laid out the list of boundaries. I was so afraid to ruin the good times that we were sharing that I had a hard time

bringing this stuff up, and I never did when we were arguing because I didn't want to become rageful, say something terrible, and ruin everything. I was a mess. Wife was apprehensive about the code to her phone, but ultimately gave it to me. She also agreed to the boundaries, and I felt like we had made real progress. Then I asked her, did you delete AP from Snapchat? She responded, I unfriended him. I told her that wasn't the same thing, and she said I did whatever it is so he doesn't appear on the app.

I should have asked to see her phone, but I knew she was lying, and I didn't want to F up the whole night. We finished dinner and headed back to the hotel. I resolved in my mind what I was going to do that night. I hadn't slept through the night in over a month, and I knew that I would wake up in the middle of the night. I was going to take her phone into the bathroom and go through everything, and when I found all of the lies I was going to hop on my bike, head home and on to the rest of my life. Wife had to work early so we turned in around 9 p.m. I had pre-packed all of my stuff knowing that I would most likely be leaving in the middle of the night.

Wife just thought I was packing to leave the next day anyway, so there were no red flags for her. I woke up around 3 in the morning, walked over to her side of the bed, grabbed her phone off the charger and walked into the back. bathroom. I opened the phone and selected the Snapchat app. I had Google searched how to find friends in the app to see if she had deleted him, but I didn't need to because as soon as the app opened there was an alert of a message from AP. I opened the message and saw that they had been messaging all through the night. I wasn't even sad anymore. Not mad. Not hurt. Just disappointed. I then went through her entire phone, taking pictures of all the messages, all the picks she sent him. All the text to her one friend that she had confided in, and when I felt like I had everything

I returned the phone to the stand, got dressed, and hit the road. She woke up around 7 a.m. and sent me a text asking where I was. I just replied with a screenshot of her message to AP the previous evening. All of a sudden wife was in a panic. All of the stoic strength, she had presented the previous 10 weeks vanished and she started begging for another chance. She apologized for betraying me, and she promised she would delete the app and allow me access to everything. She told me that she only ever loved me and that she would do anything to keep us together. I told her that we would talk when she got back home on Friday. That was six weeks ago. She did delete the app, and things have been going relatively well for us. This is an opportunity

for us to have the marriage that the both of us had always intended. I still have these lingering doubts, and I still find myself peering over her shoulder when she is on her phone. When I walk into the room I watch to see if she is swiping out of some secret messaging app. I confronted AP that day I'd found her messaging him and basically told him to F off and that he was ruining our marriage with continued communication. He ghosted her, but not before he made some belittling remarks about her saying that he was doing his best to respond, in a short and concise manner hoping that eventually it would stop.

During a later conversation with Wife I showed her that text and she was devastated. It was gross to see her disappointment, but at the same time it was cathartic. Hopefully she would better be able to move on. My question now is, does anyone think we can get through this? My doubts linger, but soften as time goes on. I struggle with thinking how they were communicating with each other while I was laying next to her, or while we were on family vacations. I don't think she would ever do this again,

but I am not sure that she won't wake up and just want to leave. I don't know that I might not do the same. All I want is for us to move on into our twilight years together, but I wonder if we will be able to do it.