Reddit Stories - UNVEILING Hidden Truths Tracking My Wife's AFFECTION Unleashes A Journey Of CONFRONTING Past Demons

Episode Date: June 21, 2025

#redditstories #askreddit #aita #relationshipadvice #marriageproblems #secretsrevealed #personaldevelopment #confrontingthepastSummary: A journey of uncovering hidden truths about a wife's affection leads to confronting past demons. The narrator navigates marriage problems and personal growth while seeking resolution.Tags: redditstories, askreddit, reddit, aita, tifu, relationshipadvice, marriageproblems, secretsrevealed, personaldevelopment, confrontingthepast, hiddenaffection, confrontingdemons, uncoveringtruths, marriagejourney, personalgrowth, seekingresolution, emotionalhealing, confrontingsecrets, marriagechallenges, personaldiscoveryBecome a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/reddit-stories--6237355/support.

I hope you enjoy this story. Monitored my spouse's love in a document for a month which prompted me to address my past pain, work on self-improvement, and uncover an unexpected revelation about our relationship. 34M and my wife, 43F, have been together for 16 years and married for 7. We have a 4-year-old daughter. After the first few years where my wife was very kind, present, loving, and affectionate, things have changed a lot. I rarely receive kisses from her, let alone hugs or kind words. She doesn't ask how I am in the morning, let alone say good morning or good night. I am tired of this.

I have told her in every possible way that, as a man, I need these expressions of love to feel loved. Her excuse is that she is too stressed because of the child, but these things were happening even before our daughter was born, or that everything depends on my behavior towards her. Every time, it always depends only on me. When we argue about this, she says I'm exaggerating. Hired of arguing about this for a year, I have recorded in a diary all her expressions of love over the past month. I know it may seem exaggerated, but believe me, I am exhausted and don't know how else

to show her the lack of love I feel from her. Can you tell me if you, who have a beautiful marriage and are deeply in love with your husband slash wife, have so few demonstrations of affection during the month? What I don't understand is that, sexually, things are fine and we have sex two to three times a week, sometimes initiated by her. I am fed up, I don't feel loved as I would like, and I have lived like this for many years and now I can't take it anymore. Please don't get mad at me, everyone needs their own time to understand certain things, and I realize this over the past year. I am a romantic, passionate, and attentive man. Normally, I can give five to six hugs a day, kisses, compliments, surprises, and I can talk about anything and discuss things in different ways. However, being treated like this makes me shut down and withdraw because of the lack of reciprocity.

I am seriously thinking of divorcing because I don't feel heard or understood. I don't see a person who understands and takes action to change the situation. Additional info, what is the breakdown of the sacred chores or household work? I'm doing 50 to 50, working, watching the kid, trash, laundry, blah, blah, blah. The fact is that even before the kid she behaved like that. I don't want my wife to be my mommy and I'm fully taking. capable to live alone and do everything, because I already had, gold pico, or that everything depends on my behavior towards her, can you elaborate on this one?

Oop, basically we're running in this circle until some months ago, I don't receive what I ask, affection, and I'm treated poorly, so after a long time of patiently waiting for change I stonewole, get offended. We have a fight because of this. She says she has enough of the stonewalling and me being offended because it hurts her. We end the fight with me being the one that swallows it and try to let it go, I try to tell her what is causing this and to take action. Time passes and we're again from the start. Some months ago I read about stonewalling and how bad it is so I ended it but still, it's really hard for me to get through this lack of affection. The problem is that I've been also treated very bad during this fights, yelled at, called names,

divorce threatening by her side. I'm hurt on so many levels. What are you doing to love her back? I feel like the diary can backfire because it focuses your emotions on her actions rather than on what you can control. Oop, the diary is about facts, not my emotions. If I receive no hugs for five days in a row,

it's no hugs for five days in a row. I tell her I love her, I tell her how beautiful she is, I joke with her, I buy her preferred premium soda when I do groceries, I ask her how she feels when she's ill and I take care of her. But do I feel reciprocated? Naup elaborate more, exactly this. I feel felt with this comment. Even if we have a difficult for yo child I mean, we have a lot of relaxed moments where I do kiss her, hug her for some seconds, tell her something nice.

It is impossible that she's so stressed that she can't even hold my hand for some seconds. I think that the issue with her is that she comes from a family where the father was really abusive, hitting, calling name, etc., an inconstant fight with the mother, cheating. I think that she received love from her mother, but she didn't from his father, and that's the result. But from the other side I don't understand how she could give me what I needed the first half years of the relationship. just because it was new. I also asked how her two previous relationships were with the partners, if they complained about these things,

but she says they didn't and that she was giving them hugs, etc. But in this case they were three quarters years older than her, commenter. I'm not saying you were immature for your age, but you were still an 18-year-old. You can only be so mature at that age, you know. I'm saying she had to be very immature for her age because it didn't. doesn't make sense otherwise. There had to be some manipulation there from her that you missed because you were an unassuming young man. Like you said, she had experienced from previous relationships. She knew how to woo you in and get you to commit. Oop, thanks, but why would a

nice 27 years old woman pursue a 18 years old and manipulate him and get him to commit? What are your high photosies? Thanks, Oop, but again, if you're 27, young and beautiful, won't you be able to do the same to same age men like you or older? They also already have everything in their life, commenter. No, because older men have more experience too and are harder to manipulate. Maybe they didn't want her for a reason. Maybe they saw she didn't have enough to offer for a long-term relationship. I'm just guessing, only you know the truth who, so you think they already understood her lack of affection and attention for a long-term relationship.

The issues I'm having right now. I always thought that she doesn't have respect for me because, also, of the age gap so she doesn't treat me well. Commenter, when you think back to getting married, did she lack affection the majority of the marriage? If so, then yeah, I'd guess the other men probably noticed early on and didn't want to put up with it. If you feel she doesn't respect you, then that is a whole other problem. Do you feel she looks down on you? Oop, yep she did, I don't know how they were able to spot this Oop response to multiple comments regarding the age gap, him being 18 and her at 27 at the time she was not pursuing me.

We just met in chat back in the old days, we talked and talked and then the interest born. She was very skeptical to consider me seriously because of the age, but after some time she did, we met, we engaged. Could you please elaborate on feel like the age gap could play a huge part? What is you, POV? I was way more mature at my age because of my hard life before 18, so I wasn't an immature 18-year-old freshman. I get your point, but you're missing some info. Maybe I was more mature and she was less mature. But still, I don't get why she had two relationships with guys three-quarters years older than her so you think they already understood her lack of affection and attention for a long-term relationship. The issues I'm having right now.

I always thought that she doesn't have respect for me because, also, of the age gap so she doesn't treat me well. Did Upp do something for his wife and if so, what was her response? Oop, yes, two months ago I even questioned myself to the point I treated her like a princess for two weeks straight, not getting offended, telling her constantly how I love her, how sexy she is, hugging, kissing a lot of times with hearth but what I received in the way. return. Just two compliments and one I love you in two weeks. After this I felt so bad and not reciprocated that I decided to not do this test, if you want to call it this way, anymore. It hurt too

much update number one, August 18th, 2024. These days, after publishing the post, I've spent a lot of time reading online, watching reels, watching YouTube videos to better understand my situation, and thanks to one of these, I discovered the issue of a void and attachment style. I was stunned by how closely my wife fit the description, and I set out to thoroughly study the case. I also identified other things I should do in my relationship, set clear boundaries, demand that my requests are understood, respected, and fulfilled, stand firm in my position, and if necessary, make it clear that I'm willing to leave. I showed the Excel sheet to my wife the next day.

Her first response was, but yesterday we cuddled. I told her, look at the facts over the past month, there are things you never do and the few things you do are a result of my complaints or arguments. They're not debatable, I'm sorry. Then I told her what I discovered and how she fits into the case, I read her the main characteristics of these people and the types of traumas they have gone through in their lives. I explained to her, knowing her personal family story, that this was mainly thanks to the abuse she received when she was a kid from her parents.

My wife was stunned and listened, then asked me, so what should I do to solve this? My answer was I don't know because I really don't know. The thing I do know, and what I told her, is that these problems were generated in her childhood and need to be addressed now. I'm now informing myself about the options available to solve or a little. least alleviate these issues. Sadly, we have difficult schedule so a therapist is now off the table. During the day I cried a lot because finally, after 16 years, I understood why we had these problems. A strong sadness came over me because I recalled all the situations where I was

treated badly, with indifference, and did not receive the affection I wanted. I also remembered all the lies and manipulations used over time to cover up her shortcomings. I think the first step is to focus on myself and solve my own problems since I developed an anxious attachment style. I'll probably use an online course and books to do this since I have very little time between my daughter and work. If it works, I will propose it to my wife, who says, I understand, don't worry, now I know what I need to give you without courses or anything.

But I have serious doubts about this statement and will continue to track what happens in my diary to have objective data. I've already told her that if, unfortunately, this situation doesn't resolve, I will proceed with divorce, and when I do, if forced, I won't go back. That will be the end. I will also follow the excellent advice from Reddit in the meantime. I will let you know what happens. Personally, I want to see how things go next week. I am sure, unless I am mistaken, that my wife will only last three days. In any case, I will continue on my path to heal and be ready for a new relationship when the time comes. Stay tuned.

If anyone has experience with a spouse healing from an avoid-in-attachment style, please let me know. Update number 2, August 23, 2024. So, as expected, my wife lasted less than three days, actually just one, in terms of giving kisses, hugs, cuddling. But it doesn't matter, I found all the things I need to fix in me so I'm starting the journey alone in order to grow and be able, without hesitation, to proceed with a divorce and don't go back to her. I'm also seeing a lawyer to have everything checked before I proceed in the future. The interesting thing is that I listed all my insecurities and issues related to the trauma I experienced in my childhood and I see a lot

of thing that I need to work about and a fix in me I asked out of curiosity to my wife what are the top three things she thinks. Should be fixed, expecting them to be at least ten items. But she just told me that defensiveness and stonewalling are the only two things and that, without them, I would be a perfect husband. I was stunned and confused the whole day. I also asked her if removing these two things would result in her loving me more, but she told me no because she already loves me the way I am and this is just my cross. So it seems she's happy with the marriage while I'm not. I want more from a relationship, at least the basic caring of a wife I don't think I'll

give you any other update because I'll be focused improving things in myself, but once the times come for me to proceed with the divorce, I'll let you know what happens. Stay tuned. Additional info, OOP responds on how he is moving forward and working on himself. Thanks for sharing your story. While I'm trying to start my healing process, I'm literally crying every day preparing myself for divorce. The probability of her change is less than 1% and the issues we have are deep-rooted in the past. I tried everything to get her attention, I gave her all the love I could possibly give, I tried so many times to accommodate to her way of being but I have enough.

I'm heartbroken. My dear wife, my dear lovely wife, my first woman in my life. I did everything I could to love her with all my heart and be recognized for this, loved for this. Every small bid for attention is lost in the dark. I'm really heartbroken, I'm just preparing myself for the divorce, trying to cry out all the tears before I finally tell her I'm leaving. It's one of the most difficult things to do in my life, and believe me, I did crazy in difficult. things in the past. This one is probably going to kill me, but I need to proceed. I can't live like that any longer and I don't want my child to see and become like this because the chances for

her to find a good partner will lower considerably. Did Upp try to connect with his wife over the years, being affectionate in their marriage? Upp, yes I tried that for a couple of years, also during COVID, but man, it was hell. Me just working, playing video games till half in the morning, sometimes watch a movie with her where she always fell asleep. No real connection. Just me doing something and she on her phone. I remember one time one friend of ours saying that he was about to disconnect from the game because he was requested by his girlfriend that wanted to stay with him and watch something together. I tried this but it feels to me like I'm always missing something, I don't have that deep connection, I'm alone, and feel alone. Then, when we have

arguments, I have no love bank filled to be able to face that, you know sort of. Okay, you're mean to me but three hours ago you were kissing me telling me I love you, I have only negative feelings. Also this way of being it's not me. I want to feel wanted. I want to be cuddled. I need love. If I'm feeling bad I want someone being able to hug me and tell me sweetheart, don't worry, everything is going to be all right. She never does this. Instead says things like level up life is hard blah, blah, blah. I know that it's her traumas and I don't have any resentment towards her. I just can't keep up with this.

Also I love to give love, stopping from doing this is devastating. I also have other issues like she almost never initiate any discussion, doesn't allocate time for me, it's always me chasing her and I have enough of it. Sex can't be our only way of connection. She's always with me but her mom. mind is somewhere else. I tried to enter in her mind, but no luck in 16 years. It's been a full year that I'm talking about this issue with my wife. And she frequently denied it by saying things like it's not true tomorrow. I'll show you this very morning I gave you a kiss,

I'm affectionate, see other couples they don't engage anymore after all these years, blah, blah, blah. How would you feel after one full year of sweet attempts to talk about an issue? And frequently she would say that her lack of affection is due to me doing XYZ. I decreat the spreadsheet to have evidence of an issue. And the evidence shows that the affection I receive it's only when I have a fight

with her or I complain the day before. One day of change followed by weeks of nothing. It bothered her and she was angry. Sure, I get the frustration of seeing something like that, but does she get my one-year frustration? And I'm not threatening divorce

over a spreadsheet, I'm threatening over one year of trying to talk and solve the issue. I could have said just I'm done, bye-bye one year ago, I rather fought with everything that came to my mind yeah, so I created a spreadsheet after months, months, of no affection. So you could create a spreadsheet with zero in every cell for 90 days. You don't know what you're talking about and surely you don't know what it feels like to receive no affection in a marriage for so long. Do I have personal issues and traumas. Yes, sir, and I'm going to address them. Does my wife have issues and traumas? Yes, sir, but is she going to do something about it? Nope, at least this will be the most probable

scenario. So hence the divorce so she can provide her careless to whoever she wants to update. Number September 3rd, 12, 2024. I decided to write an update on my story and let you know how things are going. I began my journey of shadow work on my own. I thoroughly read about how to do it, studied everything carefully, and started confronting, with much pain, my past and what I experienced in my family of origin. The first thing I realized was this very clingy and needy part of me that craved love, a bit too much, and I understood what a wounded and defenseless child lived inside me. I realized I needed to embrace him, hold him, and take care of him myself, as I was the only one who could give him unconditional and always available love.

It might sound strange, but realizing this allowed me to somehow talk to my deep self, embrace him, and make him understand that now I comprehend, I am here, I protect, and I am here for him. From that moment, I stopped seeking attention from my wife, a total reset, and with the new love I now know how to show myself, I feel calm, secure, and most importantly, no longer needy. I stopped seeking my wife entirely, no kisses, no hugs, no sweet words, and zero conversations initiated by me. If she wants to, she can do it, otherwise, I am no longer interested. I am happy with myself. In the two weeks this has been happening, she hasn't complained about anything. This made me realize that my hypotheses regarding her type of attachment were correct.

After realizing this, I understood almost all the things that trigger me in my marriage and why, linking them to the traumas I experienced in the past. I first tackled the issues of criticism and stonewalling. I discovered that because of how my mother treated me and all the physical and verbal abuse from my stepfather, who hated me, I was always hypervigilant and trying to understand if I was in danger and if anyone wanted to harm or criticize me. I suffered immensely reliving all this again, but I managed to understand why I was triggered, reasoned about why all this happened,

tried to put myself in my mother's and stepfather's shoes to understand why they became the way they did, I know both of their childhood stories, and I have radically desensitized myself from this. Without going into details, I told my wife that I resolved that one problem she always talked to me about, and to see the results in the following days. In the following days, there were countless situations

where I would normally have exploded and or stonewalled, but I got through them calmly and enscathed, without being triggered. Even in important situations. This made me happy because I realized how much my past was negatively impacting my present. Unfortunately, although we no longer have frequent arguments with my wife, she hasn't had significant changes. I just saw her happier and calmer, but she hasn't changed at all. I had asked her before starting this journey if resolving this issue would make her the loving, present, in love woman from 2008 again.

She said yes, but I have yet to see any changes. Some evening she has come to hug me for barely three minutes. Once she gave me a quick kiss calling me love, that's it. It's okay, at the moment the focus is that I need to heal. What surprised me the most instead was the rapid response of my four-year-old daughter. Becoming calmer and more confident, I saw a surge in her tranquility and happiness, and now she wants to play and spend time with me much more willingly. She immediately noticed the change and feels very secure with me.

This filled me with joy, and I bonded even more with her. Continuing the shadow work, I am now dealing with another theme. The constant arguments and rejections from my stepfather whenever I ask for something. Every time I ask for something, like going out with friends, going to eat a pizza, playing soccer, or some money to buy a sandwich in the evening, there were always constant arguments where he said no, I had to fight with him, argue endlessly. Besides the many knows, he always repeated that the nose were tied to things I hadn't done or things I had done wrong.

I won't go into details now because otherwise, this post would become too long, but believe me, he hated me to death and nearly drove me to suicide. Reliving all this crap, I understood the dynamics and the relationship with my wife who, although she does a lot wrong, always tells me that everything depends on me and what I did slash didn't do with her. I am almost done addressing this aspect, the rejections from my stepfather, my inferiority, anxiety, low self-esteem, and little by little, I am discovering a sea of self-esteem, grit, determination, and anger that lies within me.

With my wife, I am becoming a different person, confident, strong, understanding her needs as well. In these two weeks, I have experienced a calm and serenity that I hadn't felt in a long time. Zero arguments with my wife and zero dramas. But unfortunately, there is a but. As you know, we have a stressful situation with our daughter, and sometimes the days are very heated. Like two days ago. In one of these, my wife verbally insulted me, using various bad words, but I confronted her, without using bad words or anything, that she can save the behavior for her street friends,

not for me, her husband. I hadn't done anything wrong in that situation. The next day we had another situation where she physically threatened to slap me, again I wasn't scared but rather, a strong anger and desire to defend myself arose within me. I told her that she absolutely must not dare, and I no longer tolerate these things, I am not the same person anymore, and I am not afraid of her. So my life now is really heated with many problems and changes happening, doing this shadow work hurts, but the results are there and are evident.

I am finally understanding myself, helping myself, my self-esteem is rebuilding, and it is drastically changing my family dynamics. I am also going to the lawyer next week to clearly understand my situation and what a divorce would entail regarding my daughter, money, and other factors. Finally, I am no longer afraid of being left or leaving my wife, which is what has held me back for 16 years from taking this step if necessary. I'll end with two things, I hope to heal quickly. now that I am healing I can more easily recognize my wife's problems and how to help her.

I aim to be at least 90% healed before explaining to her how I resolve my issues and what I am now. Many of you criticized me for my Excel diary, but it was useful to do it, not so much for my wife, but for me. Now that I recognize my flaws, insecurities, fears, anxieties, and triggers, I know what to work on. Until next time. Additional information from OOP. OOP, I'm using the time to heal, having someone who triggers you helps you understand better yourself. Once I'm healed then I'm sure, I can proceed with the divorce with calm and serenity, if things don't improve. She needs to heal as well but now I'm not in the position to tell her anything or to expect anything.

First I need to heal. If she decides that she is okay the way she is then a bye-bye is guaranteed. OOP on what resources he used to deal with his trauma. OOP, nothing specific, I'm just using a moleskin and a pen. I'm exploring my traumas with five questions. What am I doing right now? And I explain what triggers me, how, what are the emotions involved, what are the people involved? I try to be as honest as possible.

What are the past experiences that lead me to this behavior? I explore my child trauma related to this behavior, what happened, just stating facts I remember in connecting the dots. Why this happened? Where I explore the people involved, mostly my mother and stepfather. I put myself in their shoes and understand their trauma and POV, so they know more are monsters now but simple grown children with traumas and issues. I then have compassion for them and I forgive them. What did I understand? Where I reason on what I understood by answering the three questions above.

What do you want to say to yourself? Where I talk to myself and I hug myself and explain to myself that is okay to feel the way I feel, that I'm strong now, that I'm here for me. And then I feel free. Update number four, September 19th, 2024. It has been seven days and I want to give you an update on how things are going. I'll break it down into points to make it easy. to read. One, my healing process. It's going really well, I've dealt with more issues from my

childhood and all of this has given me incredible confidence and self-esteem. After years of hating myself and calling myself awful names, I looked in the mirror and loved myself. I actually said, I love you, and you are the most important person in my life. I love you exactly as you are, with your strengths and weaknesses. These were the words I always sought from a woman, but my wife never said or made me feel this way. I did it for myself. Now that I've matured, I've become a man for the first time.

I realized that no one was going to come help me and that it was all and only up to me. I understood that everything is my sole responsibility, and I alone can change what happens in my life. From this moment on, when I have difficult and sad, times because of my situation, I no longer end up in despair. I'm there to console myself and lift my spirits. This is so new for me that I'm genuinely happy for the first time in my life. In the coming weeks, I'm tackling the remaining issues. I think I'll be done in one to two

weeks. Why is everything progressing so quickly? Because I'm extremely clear about my problems. I have the will to descend into hell each time to face everything again, and I know how to proceed. I described it last time. 2. Relationship with my daughter. My daughter is quickly understanding who's taking control and leading this family. I've noticed that she has started to respect me more, look for me more, and trust me more. She is the one who's grasping what's happening the fastest. I am falling more and more in love with my daughter, and I am falling more and I'm.

I'm realizing how much my personal self-esteem issues were negatively impacting her life. Now that I'm healing, she's healing too. I'm over the moon about this. 3. Relationship with others. I've stopped being a people-pleaser. I no longer care about looking nice, being agreeable, or thanking people too much. Simple, precise, and well-formulated interactions without fear. I don't even recognize myself.

Every time I act differently from the past, I feel a fire of self-esteem inside that confirms what I've resolved in my mind. 4. Relationship with my wife. Obviously, it's not going well, which shouldn't come as a surprise. I'm discussing everything with my lawyer to prepare for the divorce. In my country, there are specific laws and situations to be aware of. My wife is not taking the power shift well, but the disrespect has declined. I no longer accept being yelled at in the face, it's unacceptable. After several times of trying to calm her down, she threatened me, saying that we need to talk about going our separate ways, that the chances she gave me have run out, that it's necessary to separate for the common good, etc. One particular day, she mentioned it several times in the afternoon, and I replied, okay, let's talk. I agree, we should go our separate ways.

I need a real woman who loves me. I don't need to stay with you. Each time, she watched my reactions. By the evening, she was silent and didn't say anything. Two days later, she said again that we should talk about separation, and I again said, okay, no problem. This morning, she put on makeup, I ignored her, and came to give me a kiss, saying that for the sake of the family,

we need to give the relationship another chance. However, I have understood what happened and why I'm in this situation. When we met, I was 18 years old and insecure. I felt ugly, lonely, and miserable in my family home and was desperately looking for a woman to be with. She is very beautiful and probably, after two relationships with bad boy archetypes where she was treated poorly in many dates with people with healthy attachments who recognized her, avoid an attachment, and didn't continue. She found me an insecure, good guy with nice ideals to drain all the love and sweetness she could, offering me only her beauty and sex as a reward. Without the need to invest herself, without the need to commit to this relationship.

I was very hurt to discover all of this, but we move forward. Sometimes I am angry with her, other times I think about how broken I was, and it was my fault too. But it doesn't matter, my healing process moves. forward and takes precedence. To remove further power from her, I told her that I no longer want to have sex with her. I don't intend to let my mind get clouded by sex. I need a person who loves, esteems, and cares for me 24 to 7. Then sex happens because it is the cherry on top of all the love, not a tool to control me. Until next time.