RedHanded - Drunk Women Caught RedHanded
Episode Date: March 14, 2021Welcome to our Acast Red Nose Day Mashup podcast for Comic Relief For Red Nose day two of the UK’s finest crime podcasts have mashed up for an episode unlike any other. Join Hannah Magu...ire and Suruthi Bala from RedHanded alongside Hannah George, Catie Wilkins, and Taylor Glenn from Drunk Women Solving Crime to bring us 'Drunk Women Caught Redhanded'. This powerhouse of super-sleuths leaves no stone unturned in solving a true crime from history, whilst imbibing their favorite adult beverages and inviting us to play along too. We also get to hear some personal true crime tales of woe from hosts and listeners alike and whilst the gang may not be able to solve everything, they sure as hell don't make it worse. Please donate whatever you can. Donations have the power to help people living incredibly tough lives. If you can, please, head to comicrelief.com/podcastmashup and give now. Or give £5 by texting ‘COMIC’ to 70205. To donate £5 text the word COMIC to 70205. Texts cost your donation amount plus your standard network message charge and 100% of your donation will go to Comic Relief, a registered charity. You must be 16 or over and please ask the bill-payer’s permission. For full terms and conditions visit comicrelief.com/podcastmashup See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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Bonnie Crombie and the Ontario Liberals.
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A message from the Ontario PC Party.
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BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. Welcome, everyone, to Drunk Women Caught Red-Handed. That is the name that we have decided to go with
because it's excellent and it describes exactly what is happening in this situation. If you don't
know, it is a mash-up between red-handed and drunk women solving crime. What more could you want in
your lives? Nothing, probably. So what is this?
What's going on?
What are you all watching slash listening to?
Well, this is a very special bonus brought to you by Acast,
who are actually bringing you an exclusive series of bonus podcasts like this
from your favorite podcasters for the Red Nose Day podcast mashup.
That's right.
Red Nose Day is back.
And this year, it's more powerful than ever because let's face it, we all need a big old laugh right about now. And this laugh
can help create change around the country and around the world. No matter what you're able to
give, you have the power to make a difference. So if you can, please give now at comicrelief.com
slash podcast mashup, and we will leave the link in the episode description so that you can find it
very easily and have no excuses for not being able to find it. So with that, that's what you're
listening to. Hello, everyone. Hello. Welcome. Should we introduce ourselves? Hi, I'm Saruti from Red Handed.
Hi. Oh wait, that made it look like an AA meeting. Hi Saruti.
It's the very opposite of an AA. It's a really bad AA meeting.
It is. It's a failing, failing AA meeting. It's an enablers, enablers anonymous meeting.
Pre-AA. So if you're new
to Red Handed,
I can tell you
what we are
because I know that one.
We are Red Handed,
Saruti and I,
and we are
a true crime podcast
that we started
in a cupboard
under the stairs
and somehow managed
to still be doing it
three to four years later.
And nobody stopped us
and we're super excited
to be here with Katie,
Taylor Glenn
and another Hannah,
Hannah George.
So we're going to have
to call her
the big HG
because HM doesn't really work
and my middle name's Mary,
so my initials are...
Hannah, my middle name's Mary as well.
Oh my God, two Hannah Marys.
Yes, mate.
Hannah is an anagram of...
So that's just something
that other Hannahs like.
That's my friend Jim Campbell's jokes.
I should say that.
I was so happy when he sold me.
I was like, yeah.
Niche Hannah material.
Yeah.
We're going to launch our own podcast.
It's called Hannah Mary.
Oh my God.
That's incredible.
It's so big of you to credit
the writer of that little joke.
You are a magnanimous HD.
Absolutely.
Even in conversation, if I do a joke, I have have to go like that was sarah melkins or whatever that is magnanimous amazing just credit after credit
did you like that one yeah stupidly already i've lost the plot but when we've lost the plot so much
that we've shamelessly stolen your entire format for this mashup
We're not bringing very much to it at all
apart from the stories that you asked us to bring
about crimes that have happened to us
Should we kick off with those?
Yes, that's what we only have one question
on this podcast
and that is
Have you ever been the victim of a crime?
Saruti, was it just now where I said
I was going to start a podcast with Hannah
because I'm sorry
Yes, that's theft
Because that is a bad podcast That is theft HG. You can't just take her away. What is happening? I'm outraged. I did give
this a lot of thought and I have to be honest, in my life, I have not been the victim of many a
crime, despite my very best attempts at becoming a victim of crime. Because I don't know, anyone who listens
to the show knows that I do love a bit of a hitchhike. I have hitchhiked many a place.
I will argue that it's always been a necessity. I have been trapped. I have been on the side of
a road in a place I shouldn't, and I had to get in a car or just hang out there.
That's so untrue.
No, it isn't no Tell me one story
Of my hitchhiking
Where I had another choice
When you're in Croatia
And you could have got a taxi
Number one
I couldn't
There wasn't any
There was
Anyway
We can't have this argument
You're an international
Hitchhiker too
This is
Almost exclusively
International
Almost exclusively
Almost exclusively
I try not to
Hitchhike domestic
Now Oh my god That's so passe not to hitchhike domestic now. Oh my God.
So passe. Don't hitchhike where you eat or whatever. Go hitchhike somewhere else where
you're in much more danger because you don't know the language or anything that's happening to you.
Anyway, despite all of those situations, never been a victim of a crime internationally. But
what did happen in quite a plot twist
Was when I was on holiday, my house was burgled
Oh
It was actually my parents' house
So I was on holiday with my parents
And we were there for a couple of days
And then we get a call from our neighbour saying
Oh, you guys have been burgled
And I was like, oh, that's really shit
So my poor dad had to get on a flight and come home
To deal with the burglary
And he got home and I called him and I was like, dad, what's happened? Have they taken anything?
And he's like, it's a very weird thing that's happened. So these people have broken into the
house and my parents live in a very safe suburban middle England, nothing town. They had unscrewed all of the shower heads in the house.
Yes, gets weirder.
Then they had torn up a bunch of floorboards around the house and poured a bunch of bleach around because the house stunk of bleach.
And the only thing that they had actually nicked was a briefcase
that my dad kept in his wardrobe that had my
birth certificate in it. Isn't it? So I was like, what the bloody hell is going on? And I really
wanted to try and understand. So then the police officers came around and like, talk to us about
it. And I was like, what's the deal? They said there have been a spate of burglaries exactly like this around the area,
exclusively to Asian households. And what these burglars have discovered is that for some reason,
my Asian brethren around here have been hiding gold jewellery in their floorboards and in their
shower heads. Oh my gosh. Okay. Oh my gosh. And I think the whole bleach situation was when they were
frantically tearing up these floorboards. I think one of them cut themselves and got blood everywhere
and then poured a bunch of bleach around to get rid of the DNA. That's what I think.
Oh, interesting. Wow. That is like a golden shower that I could get behind.
Old HG, big HG.
Sorry, I'm sorry, Kate.
You could be old and big, trust me.
But yeah, that is my crime. The bleach was making me think more of a crime scene.
Like maybe they did something there.
Like maybe they didn't just try and rob.
Maybe they.
That's way worse.
I hope it wasn't.
But you have the intel that that is not what happened.
They were looking for gold.
They were looking for gold.
I'm glad there was a little bit of a method to the madness.
And you'd think I would be a little bit more savvy after three years of doing this like I would have picked up some logic or something because I was like okay it's probably
who hosts grand designs I bet it's him they went crazy and he's just tired of hosting and that's
literally where my head was like it's a disgruntled presenter I've seen it a thousand times yeah and
he's just really angry at these rainfall shower heads that everyone has now.
Let's fucking get this shit out.
What the hell are you doing?
And these floorboards, they're disgusting.
Also, the other thing that makes me think,
maybe it was someone that used to live there or somebody,
and they had left something there, you know, that they wanted to go back for.
But again, it's solved because you know that they would fit to loads of other people.
This was the theory that was told to us, but I think I prefer yours.
And I think I'm more scared by yours, Katie.
Oh my God.
What if it's some sort of like...
It's like parkour.
Oh my God.
No, I'm scared.
That's a horror film.
That's a good horror film.
That is a good horror film.
Gosh.
And then like you've redecorated the bathroom.
Yeah.
And you're not in the shower head anymore.
Oh my God. My favourite part of that story though,
is literally when you're on holiday with your mum and your dad and you get the
call and you're like, Oh my God, dad, I think you're going to have to go.
Like you and your mum, like, Oh my God, you're just like so manly and like a protector.
I think that you should have done that.
It's such a shame for you.
I know, me and mum just slowly turn and look at him. I'm like, shall I's such a shame for you I know Me and mum
Just slowly turn
And look at him
Like
Shall I book you
A fine dad
And I now
Have lost a birth certificate
As well
So
Yeah what a pain
That's sad
Just a briefcase
With a combination lock
That they just ran off with
Thinking maybe the gold
Was in there
No
You could have rattled it around
And felt that there was
Just papers in there Maybe someone will steal Your identity rattled it around and felt that there was just papers in there.
Maybe someone will steal your identity
like they steal the dead baby's identity.
I know, this is what I'm thinking.
What if somebody steals my identity?
Yeah.
I don't know.
Could they do it with a birth certificate?
Because birth certificates, I feel like
they're at the very bottom of the list of ID
for like a bank account, aren't they?
They're like,
just go with a birth certificate and nothing else
i've got my footprints and i know my name
we gotta do some business here hsbc and you don't look like a 30 year old indian woman
why have you got that birth certificate what's happening i don't know but anyway that's all i've
got guys wow that's a I've got, guys.
Wow, that's a great story.
Because, I mean, horrible for like your family.
Yeah, but I'm glad it happened.
Otherwise, I'd have had nothing for this.
Swings and roundabouts, really.
Hannah, are you going to be able to top that organised crime?
I don't think so, but mine's definitely more embarrassing for me.
So yes, please. So I used to be an English teacher in Korea, South Korea, don't panic.
And the culture there is like you as an English teacher, your job is super easy. You get paid loads of money and you can just like go out drinking all the time. And I am a sesh goblin. So I was out on a Friday night, slave to the sesh and was walking home
from my taxi to my apartment building, which was probably like a 200 meter walk. In those 200
meters, I like world-endingly had to piss. Like it could not wait the extra like 200 meters to
my house. So I had to do a street. I had no option. I had
to piss in the street. In the process of my street, we put my handbag down and then got up,
sorted myself, kept walking. I was like, shit, I can't find my handbag. What have I done with it?
Oh no. Where have I put it? And I was like, I'm too pissed to figure this out. I'm just going to
have to figure it out in the morning. The other thing I should say is Korea is so safe. Like
stealing is not in their culture at all. Like my friend left their laptop on a bus bench.
It was there three days later.
Like you just, yeah, no one's like,
you can go to a McDonald's and like leave your phone on the table
and no one will touch it.
It's just culturally not a thing.
So when I came back here, I had to do some relearning.
So I go home and it didn't matter that I didn't have my keys because everyone has like keypad
combination locks on their doors in Korea. So it was fine. I could get into my house,
but I didn't have my bag or my phone. And I wake up in the morning, not feeling too hot.
And there was a knock on my door and I was like, oh God, like, what did I do last night? Like,
who is it? Who did I piss off? Like someone going to come and like beat me up. Like what
is happening? Opened the door and it was a policeman with my bag.
Wow. Oh, wow.
So like in Korea, as an alien, you have to have your alien residency card on you at all times.
It's the law. So, but that did not have my address on it.
It had my school's address. So that means on a Sunday, they rang my school.
Like, where is this drunk foreigner?
Where did she go?
Oh, no.
Did they tell them that we found it next to, well, it had a strong smell of urine.
We're not quite sure.
It was slightly damp.
We haven't had a chance to test it yet.
Yeah.
If they did, they didn't tell me.
I just went into school
on Monday
and not a word was said.
That's my favorite thing
about that culture.
Yes, please.
Let's ignore
anything that's embarrassing.
Yeah, exactly.
They'll talk about you
behind your back
to no fucking end.
But to your face,
absolutely nothing.
I don't need to know.
That's fine.
You can talk about me
all you want behind my back.
What a snapshot
of such a different
way of life.
I mean, that's unbelievable.
I did not see the story going this way,
even though you said like, it's not part of the culture.
I'm like, something bad still get it.
Well, we recently did some research on the homicide rate in South Korea.
And guess in every 100,000 people, how many are murdered in South Korea?
Annually?
Yeah.
One.
Like, can I say half a person?
That's weird.
You can say half a person.
Big HG, that's no problem.
Yeah, 0.5 maybe.
I'm sticking with one.
I'm going to say seven.
It's 0.6.
Oh, I was so close.
Yeah.
Actually, if you round up, it's technically me.
No, it's you.
What you'll learn about Katie is she likes to win and that's what we like about her just so we can all be embarrassed you said this was an embarrassing story so i'll top it a little
bit with my own embarrassment that reminded me because i'm like have i ever weed outside like
properly in public not just like camping.
And I was like, of course you have.
And that reminded me that my friend in New York said,
it sounded like this.
So I might as well do the accent.
Don't put your bag down.
If you got a piss on the street, that's my top tip.
I was like, okay, what do you, what do you do with it though?
So you don't get it when she's like, put it around your neck,
hang it around your neck, like a giant fuck off necklace.
And so I just had a flashback of the poshest place I've ever had a piss, which was on Park Avenue at 3.30 in the morning with my handbag just around my neck, like bouncing on my boobs as I went.
And I clearly remember like a gentleman walking by, like a proper gent.
He looked like the Monopoly man. I think he had a top hat. And I was just like, remember like a gentleman walking by like a proper gent he looked like the
monopoly man I think he had a top hat and I was just like you should be a good sir
and listener she married him
a pissing outside story is always fun though anyone got any more oh endless yeah my best
one's quite short I was at what's that, Lovebox, the one that's in like Victoria Park or some shit
when we were still allowed outside.
I'm just absolutely about to have some sort of internal hemorrhage situation
if I do not urinate.
Crept into some bushes and weed,
emerged with quite a lot of urine all over my black boots
that showed quite how wet they were.
Yeah, it's not great. July in a park in London with your feet covered in piss even if MIA is on stage it's still not
gonna distract you enough MIA has seen your shame yes she has I think summer 2020 was very much the
summer of the alfresco wee I had to get very comfortable This is true
Yeah because everything was shut
Yeah
Yeah there's a
a favoured tree
in Clissold Park for me
it's got a nice little curtain
there's a frog in it
Everyone's got their favourite tree
like we're all dogs now
I sometimes go to Clissold Park
I have a sniff
I love that our producer
was like
you know guys
keep it tight
we want to keep it tight
for this episode
and we're like who else is pissed outside because let's chat about that for a bit please I love that our producer was like, you know, guys, keep it tight. We want to keep it tight for this episode.
And we're like, who else is pissed outside?
Because let's chat about that for a bit, please.
I remember I pissed outside.
This doesn't really count because I was fishing with my dad when I was about 10.
But it's just a lesson in looking where you piss because I pissed.
Outdoor pissing 101.
Yeah.
I was pissing on a red ant's nest who had then, yeah,
I noticed, I was like, what's crawling at my leg?
And it was lots of red ants and they bit me.
And I screamed quite a lot and scared the fish away,
as my dad said.
That's bullshit, David.
It was the scapegoat he'd been waiting for.
He was happy. I'm surprised with all the like warning videos in the uk that we've talked about
like from the 70s that they never touched on like don't piss on a red ant's nest you could die it
just feels like something would have been it's a missed opportunity yeah exactly they just made us
watch endless videos about not playing on the train tracks when we were kids where was the
advice not to piss on a red ant's nest? Yeah. And not pirating VHS.
That too.
That too.
Got burned into my memory.
You wouldn't steal a car.
How do you know, Brenda?
You don't know.
You don't know me.
Segway time.
I think we all know each other
a little bit better now.
So maybe it's time to move on.
Thank you for sharing those
stories with us they were great absolutely yeah top draw stuff thank you why does my voice sound
sarcastic the whole time it's genuinely meant it that's the only way we sound we take it with love
they get shot don't worry americans in particular find us really insincere
taylor give us a report at the end of the...
Yes, I will.
I've lived here too long.
I'm so jaded.
We'll wait.
I'm the worst kind of American
because I sound
completely American still,
but I hear another American
in the UK and I'm like,
oh my God, shut up.
Shut up.
You're a fool.
I love her. Shut up You're a fool So The way we do it
On our podcast
Is that I've got
All the details
Of the crime
You guys know nothing
You know
But you know nothing
About the crime
And so I'm going to
Feed you some information
And ask you some questions
And you're going to
Flex your detective muscles
And we're going to solve this
Okay
I've got a pen and paper
I'm ready to flex.
Oh, I love it
when people take notes.
We play to win.
This is some serious shit now.
We didn't have a note taker
until Jenny Eclair
and then we did
our first live show
and she came out
with a notepad
like she was into it
and we're like, yes.
We've had very few.
We've had very few cents
and there are special... Yeah yeah there's a handful of people
yeah okay welcome well the elite members of the force that's why we made the pod squad
i'm gonna pretend to write because i don't have i've got you we're a team okay
today we're in 1870 and we're discussing the crimes
of the chocolate cream killer.
Now...
Sounds delicious.
Wait till you hear what she did.
This killer laced...
Oh, fuck.
My first question was,
was it a man or a woman?
Yes, she did.
Okay.
That's okay. You know, we took some extra piss time exactly and you made up for it with with gender quiz yeah you got it you got us back on track so the chocolate cream killer who was a
lady she would lace chocolates with poison but before we get to this stage of her life this is
christiana edmonds now Now, Christiana was born
in Margate and was the eldest child of William Edmonds, who was an architect. So she had quite
a privileged upbringing. She was privately educated and led a sort of normal-ish life for the first
40 years of her life. And then when she was 40, she wanted to change, guys. She moved to Brighton
with her widowed mother and started up an affair with a high
standing member of the local community now this guy was known for being a bit of a flirt
who do you think that could have been the the main guy I just moved to Brighton and I'm really keen
on the history here so I'm gonna go with the guy the one guy i don't know anything about
bright but it feels vague taylor the palace building playboy prince which which what's
his fucking name so the guy who built the pavilions yeah i don't know his name either
or is this too early is this too early for that guy? I will give you a clue. You don't have to know his exact name.
It's a guy within a community.
I'm going to go with the mayor.
I was going to say, that feels like a good guess.
I'm going to say, oh, no, I don't know enough.
So he's a bit of a flirt.
He's a bit of a flirt.
Bit of a flirt.
But he's an upstanding member of the community, is he?
Sure is.
Is he like the church man?
You were going to say the Pope, weren't you?
I was like, what's the right word?
Is it father?
Is it vicar?
Vicar.
The vicar of Brighton.
I was going to guess the vicar as well.
Interesting. Two for vicar. One for mayor. I'm going to raise the vicar and brighton i was gonna guess the vicar as well interesting two for vicar one for
mayor i'm gonna raise the vicar and say archbishop oh arch very high standing or it could be some
kind of lord of the manor but actors weren't respected in those days were they he couldn't
be an upstanding member of the community i could see stereotype hat on, actors can be flirty,
but they wouldn't be respected in those days.
No.
I think it's a,
it's a something gaudy
or something political.
Yeah.
It's got to be power.
Yeah.
I'm sticking with Maya.
Duke Bish Prince.
Yeah.
Duke Bish Prince.
We've got it covered.
It was,
well,
he was a doctor.
Ah, that's good. Yeah. and i always say there's nothing better
than a flirty doctor he's not the man you want to be flirty is he really no but i can't stand it
when doctors have like no crack at all like that makes me upset like when it's something really
embarrassing and you're like oh i'm gonna make a joke about how like my face looks like the phantom
of the opera or whatever and they're like like, just flat. I appreciate that.
If I'm coming over to like, you know, get some fucking thrush cream.
I don't want, don't even want eye contact.
Just let's get it done.
Give me that canister.
I want to get out of here, please.
It's not quite the same thing, but I remember going into Boots when I was a teenager in my hometown.
And the woman behind the counter, of course, was my friend's mum.
And I was like, no, absolutely not.
I'm not having that.
I'm waiting for someone else to come to the counter.
How did you buy your pregnancy tests?
Well, I went in to buy the very thing that would hopefully stop that happening.
So I went in to buy condoms.
I can't fucking like, yeah, 19 guys.
But anyway, I need that. And again, my friend's mum was at the anyway, I was like, I need it.
And again, my friend's mum was at the counter.
I was like, I've just got to wait.
So I waited and this woman came out who I had no idea who she was.
And I was like, brilliant.
So I went up to the counter and she said the immortal line to me.
She said, do you want a bag hammer?
I don't know where the fuck she knew me from.
But yeah, you're right.
You don't necessarily want...
You want a degree of anonymity.
I can't say it.
Don't you want to cover up
your shame sheets there, Hannah?
Yeah.
Exactly.
Daughter of Jill,
who lives at 147.
Hannah Mary George.
This is becoming A great episode
For anyone that wants
To steal my identity
So
Yes
It was a local doctor
Oh they need us
Your birth certificate
Yeah
Got the wrong briefcase
Yeah
He was called
Charles Beard
Now there's some dispute
Over the nature of their relationship,
whether or not they were actually sleeping together.
Was he a beard?
Well, this is the thing.
It would be a very literal surname.
Ah, OK, sorry.
But I do like, I like the fact that he's called Dr Beard
because it just makes me think that everyone's forgotten his name
at the first place.
He just knows more than he did.
He had to go with it.
HG, sorry. Was she married, this killer lady?
No, the killer wasn't married
Charles was married
So he was married to a woman
Okay
Mrs Beard
Mrs Beard, indeed
Mary?
Mary Beard, yeah
Oh, shit
She's about that age
Plot seconds
We'll never tempt her on if you slag her off Oh, shit. She's about that age. Plot seconds.
We'll never tempt her on if you slag her off.
God.
We don't want to ruin that for you guys.
Taylor actually said you were 160 years old.
It was really out of order.
I can't do maths, it might not be that. All she needs to do is be like,
and what have you done with your life?
And I'll be like, yeah, no.
You're right.
You don't
have several shows on channel four about the romans do you no none of us do but if i did
you'd watch it because it would be great it's the guy it's that guy who it's that guy the
guy he built something they're probably probably rome so So people didn't know that they were definitely sleeping together, these two.
Okay.
But there is some proof still exists about whether or not they were more than just friends.
So what do you think that was?
What physical evidence could still exist now?
That they were more than just friends.
Sexy letters.
Sexy letters, okay.
Smart.
Was it the shame sheets?
Have they been fossilized like Taylor suggested?
Yeah.
We'll just put it on you.
In amber.
Taylor's fossilized shame sheets.
They've had fossilized shame sheets.
Ambered.
Next to a mosquito and then a shame sheet.
In amber.
Jurassic Spunk.
Taylor, any ideas above and beyond shame sheets?
Well, I think letters is a very good.
Okay.
I'm going to go engraved jewellery.
Good one.
Oh, a photograph of them.
Just hold still for 10 minutes or so while I take this quick photograph of us having a little kiss
very very hard to take a selfie with the size of cameras yeah or like maybe a photograph of him
with his family but he's wearing a watch that she gave him or something hey is it something creepy
like a photograph of this family,
but she's cut his wife's face out
and drawn her face in?
Yeah.
Oh, we've all done that.
Come on.
Guys, Hannah, you were right straight away,
straight off the bat.
Love letters.
It was love letters.
There's one thing I know,
it's pastime sex.
The dick pics of this time
Yeah
Just a
A romantic letter
A doodle
He's just put it on a piece of paper
And traced around it
And sent it in the post
Oh my god
That's what happens
If your dick dies
Okay
Sorry
Or he's murdered I suppose
But anyway The the point is
Yes, they write each other love letters
I've heard that too of you guys
Am I right?
I'm bringing the chalk
So basically
She was very much into Charles Beard
And so she tries to kill his wife.
She thinks, this is how I'm going to get him.
So her first victim is Mrs. Beard.
Now, Christiana became friends with her, visited her one day,
and gave her a box of chocolates that she'd bought from a local confectioner that she'd laced with poison.
Right. What do you think was her poison of choice?
Do we know much about the poisonings of this era?
Arsenic. Yeah, I was going to say about the poisonings of this era? Arsenic.
Yeah, I was going to say arsenic.
We've got two for arsenic.
I'd say strychnine to be different.
It could be cyanide.
I was going to go cyanide,
but I don't think it was actually popularised until World War II.
But it kills you quicker than strychnine does.
Also, cyanide smells like almonds, which is better in a chocolate,
where arsenic smells like garlic,
which is terrible in a chocolate.
That's good.
Yeah, that's better in an omelette.
Sorry.
Better in a poisoned omelette.
Or an Ilex.
Or a poisoned spaghetti.
Yeah.
Meals that go with garlic.
I love that.
How to match,
how to pair your poisons
and your poisoning vessel.
We should write a cookbook, ladies.
That's right.
That's colleagues.
Murder on a plate.
I love it.
Guys, it was strychnine.
So that's the garlic one, right?
No, that's the almond one.
No, cyanide is almond.
It's neither.
Arsenic is garlic.
I can't comment on what strychnine tasted like,
but I'm pretty sure you could put fucking anything in chocolate
and I'll gobble it down.
That was classic Mrs. Beard.
She knew.
Classic Mrs. Beard.
How is she getting it in the chocolate?
Is she injecting the bottom?
Like as a kid, I don't know if you ever did this but sometimes there was
no guide for the chocolate so we'd have to flip them upside down stick my finger in it
I started we did that and then I just went to me because I'm the only one who did it
to look at what was inside so she like injecting them I would have been in so much trouble if I
did that Taylor I may have only seen this on the sitcom. Sometimes I'm not sure the difference with my childhood.
No, I was trying to make a joke about her.
I was always in trouble.
It didn't work.
Let's move on.
Oh, man.
So I don't know exactly how she did it,
but all I know that it was straightening
that she got from the local chemist,
as they did in the day.
What do you think she said to the chemist
as to why she needed it?
I don't know, but I bet they said, do you need a bag with that?
Christiana.
Was it thrush?
Thrush.
I need to murder my thrush.
With the strychnine.
Was it rat poison?
I feel like that's the thing, the olden times one.
Yes. It's so plausible that the olden times one. Yes.
It's so plausible that it was probably also for thrush.
That's what's really...
I mean, just burn that shit right out.
That'd be funny.
Yeah, and then put it on your eyes.
It's more beautiful.
It'll brighten your visage.
It'll kill your rats and it'll deal with that thing down there
that's going on down there
welcome to victorian england yeah and the rats living inside you
so christiana she said that it's because she needed it to poison stray cats oh okay i was
one step down the food chain yes and i kind of read that and I was like, dude, like, just go in on rats. Like, yeah, I'd be like, you're lying anyway.
Yeah. Say you're going to murder a cat or a bunch of cats.
Fucking hell. Chill out.
Yeah. And it will draw attention to like, yeah, this weird lady wanted to kill some cats.
Then she's like, she's on the radar. She's gone too big.
She has gone too big, you're right.
So, Mrs. Beard, she eats one of the chocolates.
Does it kill her?
Do we think that Christiana has nailed her first murder?
I feel like she doesn't die straight away, at least.
I think she's going to survive this.
This is going to be like a farcical comedy of errors now, isn't it?
Okay, we've got comedy of errors now isn't it okay we've got comedy of errors from kankana
i have a really dark forest gump sketch going on in my head now
yeah i feel like she didn't like the chocolate so she didn't eat enough of them
because i did look it up and apparently strychnine just has a really bitter taste which also
doesn't pair well
Well maybe it pairs well
With chocolate
I don't know
But maybe it was like
One of those yucky
Like liquor chocolates
You get at Christmas
And you're just like
And she didn't eat enough of them
And so she doesn't die
So she has to try again
Yeah she maybe just gets sick
Yeah I agree
I feel like she's going to
Survive several attempts
In some sort of Kill Bill situation And eventually like she's going to survive several attempts
In some sort of Kill Bill situation
And eventually Christiana's going to be chasing her
Across England by a train
Okay
So we've got Kill Bill
I like it
I like the idea of the Victorian
Kind of costume version
Of that yellow suit
What would that look like?
That's what they need.
They need a period drama Kill Bill.
Yes.
Killeth Billeth.
That would be great.
So apparently, I mean, great research, like, in the moment,
because, yeah, she bit into a chocolate, said it tasted bitter,
so spat it out, but she did suffer from a violent illness um but she did then recover from it now this is bad for
christiana because well basically dr beard had his suspicions it was her did he raise the alarm
do you think oh well he doesn't want to get busted for fucking her. No, I don't think he did.
Oh, how awful.
Yeah.
I want to save your life.
I do.
But I got my own problems that I've created.
So sorry.
For myself.
I'm sorry, Mary.
I'm sorry, Mary.
I'm too respected.
It would destroy the town to know that I'm like a big old fuck man.
I love it.
Halfway through that, you were like,
remembered he was a doctor and you're like, okay.
Hello, Dr. Fuckman's office.
He's currently fucking.
Oh, no, no.
Yes, he'll call you back after.
Come on.
It's like that bit in in Breaking Bad
you know when what's his name is doing heroin with that the girlfriend that's Jessica Jones
yes and she's yeah and she's choking and like what's his name Walt Whitman could put her on
is it what we Jesus Christ I love it when someone starts a story
and they can't remember a single character
I'm not even drunk
I'm just on a bone fillers
Oh my god
I can't believe my mouth was full
and then
Walt Whitman
Walt Whitman does feature quite heavily
in Breaking Bad
He does I'm clever Remember that Walt Whitman does feature quite heavily in Breaking Bad. Oh, right. That's amazing. I mean, I believe that that's why.
I'm clever.
But anyway, he could, you know, she's choking and he's trying to steal the money.
And Jesse James is very impressive.
He's on a horse.
He has the choice to save her life or let her die.
And his life is so much easier if she dies because she's about to out him to everybody.
So he lets her die. And it just feels a bit like that scene yes it does it does absolutely absolutely um so no he didn't he did not at all however christiana she was worried because she
was like okay so he's not going to job me in but if mrs beard works it out and thinks well she gave
me the the chocolates so christiana's like i'm going
to cover my tracks here what do you think she does now this part is bonkers just to give you a clue
so she's trying to cover her tracks yeah because for a start she doesn't want dr beard knowing that
she tried to poison his oh got it and also obviously she didn't want it all to come out
anyway because she would get done for it.
Does she hire a beard and then wear it as a disguise?
Okay, disguising.
I like it.
I wonder if she tries to get the rest of the chocolates back.
Yeah.
So there's no evidence.
Oh, nice.
So it's like, I'm sticking with my comedy of errors.
She's like, I need to get the answer phone tape.
You cause a distraction.
Oh, I'll get the answer phone tape you cause a distraction oh i'll get the chocolates
i wondered if she planted it in her home to make it look like well it wouldn't be a suicide attempt
but to make it look like well she ingested it of her her own accident someone tricked her
so she's a victim unknowingly passing it on. Or just that she has it in her house.
In her house, yeah.
And she's sprinkled it, you know,
I confused the salt with the strychnine.
I'm a terrible cook.
I don't know.
That's a good one.
Her eating it too would be a good one to exonerate herself.
I was going to say,
did she poison herself with a little bit of strychnine?
Yeah.
And then say, there's a poisoner on the loose, ladies.
Don't eat any chocolates that anyone gives you.
Yeah, and then you'll burn down the chocolate shop.
Exactly. Yes.
Well, if she had half the intelligence of you guys,
maybe she would just have done that.
Intelligence being slightly sinister.
I mean, these are good answers, guys.
I mean, does she even know who Walt Whitman is?
Because she's an idiot.
Basically, Christiana goes on a poisoning spree.
So, does that cover her tracks?
It's like the Tylenol people, right?
Where they, like, poisoned...
Yeah, who was it that wanted to kill one person,
but it would have looked too suspicious,
so they poisoned a bunch of other people as well?
Oh, my gosh.
To throw off the scent.
I feel like it's like a housewife-y type situation.
Very similar to this.
I can't remember.
There's like a very famous case that I've forgotten.
Anyway.
Well, it's very similar to that.
Yeah, it's like if loads of people are getting poisoned,
then it's not going to look suspicious
that the wife of my lover or the man I'm in love with
has been poisoned.
Because she can be directly connected to that.
Is it like when I have like a proper sharing size bag of Doritos
and I've had half of them, but I'm like, oh God,
I don't want anybody to know that I've had half.
So I have to finish them, get rid of it.
Yes.
There were never Doritos.
Exactly.
It's that.
What she did is that she bought bought loads more chocolates from and this was
over a series of sort of weeks and months from the local confectioner john maynard she laced
them with strychnine took them back to the shop saying they weren't what she wanted over time she
got like children to take them back into the shop for her to make it look less suspicious oh jesus
i know and then she her plan was to frame maynard like she was just like she
chose this guy because he was a he's like a chocolate guy like literally he makes chocolates
for a living and like i think surely people that run sweet shops are nice people i mean i don't
know but there was no reason why she would try to no motivation to go after him no to pin it on him
other than she couldn't be responsible for it so she had boxes of chocolate sent under an alias
to prominent people in Brighton,
including a politician,
a newspaper editor,
a surgeon.
And who else do you think
she sent a box of chocolates to?
Herself.
The video guy.
Herself, that guy.
The Queen of England.
The Queen of England.
The wife again.
Yeah, to send it to them again.
That's what she did.
She sent it to Mrs. Beard.
She sent Mrs. Beard another box of chocolates
because it hadn't worked the first time.
So basically Maynard unknowingly sent these poison chocolates
and also sold them to anyone who came into the shop.
There was one other thing.
We've actually, somebody's already guessed it,
but let's see if we can go back to it.
One other thing Christiana did
to properly make sure
it looked like it was nothing to do with her.
Oh, she ate some.
I mean, yes.
Yeah.
I was going to say.
I'm going to open it
and see if anybody had.
It's always annoying
when someone gets the right answer
straight away,
but well done, Katie.
Sorry.
No, you're completely spot on
because yes,
she sent herself
a box of poison chocolates.
What do you think she did to make it look like it wasn't from her?
Some elaborate Valentine's poem about how beautiful she is.
Picked horrible flavours and then went out into the street
and yelled about how she hates orange cream
and they were all orange creams.
I would never have bought these.
I don't like orange creams.
Someone doesn't know me at all.
Did she pull out a hair of someone else
that was like the opposite colour hair of her hair
and put that in the box?
Do you know what?
She quite simply misspelt her name on the front.
Oh, hilarious.
This woman!
Wow.
It's just like, I love that when people do things
where you can just see when they get the idea and they're like
oh yeah
I know what I'll do
this has just
escalated
so far
from one little murder
it's absolutely bonkers
and predictably
and this is the very sad part
is that one person died
from her poisoning spree
I'm glad it was only one though
yeah lots and lots of people
got ill across Brighton over this time,
but the person that died, which, yeah, is predictable,
unfortunately, was a kid, so it was a four-year-old.
Yeah.
So in 1871, Sidney Albert Barker, on holiday with his family,
died as a result of eating the chocolates from Maynard's shop.
It is amazing it was only one person that died,
but before long it was all in the papers,
and eventually Dr Beard comes forward and says, Ah, says ah shit okay i think this might be christiana so her brilliant
plan didn't put him off the scent it was all the random chocolates yeah if anything it whiffed even
harder to talk like a detective i don't know were they still i guess you said it's disputed whether
they were even having a proper relationship so we don't know i'm they still, I guess you said it's disputed whether they were even having a proper relationship.
So we don't know.
I'm just so curious, like,
were they still seeing each other while this is going on?
Well, there's lots of different sort of versions of events,
but the version of event that is the most sort of like common one
is that basically after she'd done the first chocolates,
he broke up with her.
Okay.
And that was what led her to do this.
Okay, okay.
Bloody hell.
All this for some doctor beard dick.
That was it.
She killed a kid for that.
Yeah.
I know.
It is crazy.
It is crazy.
I feel like also,
I'm like,
this doctor's version of events
is going to be either
no affair took place or, yeah, I immediately broke it off with her once I knew she was trying to kill my wife.
Whereas actually the real story might be that we kept fucking her, but that just that bit didn't make the history books.
He's like, she's crazy. Bitches are crazy.
But he was like, I wonder.
Yeah, I feel like it's option three.
Yeah. I mean, he he turns up in the court case
and he does not redeem himself.
Wow.
I can't wait.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, we'll get to that.
Yeah, I can totally picture him rolling off of her like,
but you're done with the chocolates, right?
I promise.
Basically, and as well, of course, like he's a doctor, he's a bloke.
They have his testimony, so that's almost enough to sort of convict.
But they did another thing.
They matched Christiana's handwriting to a letter.
Now, it wasn't a love letter.
What do you think Christiana wrote in a letter during this time
that would incriminate her, not just because she has the same handwriting,
but because of what she'd written?
Because she's not going to be daft enough to confess.
And she has a writing from Margate, my childhood friend.
I've been into ever so much in Brighton.
Dear diary, murdered a kid this morning by mistake.
Whoops.
And she didn't write the Like chocolate notes
To people herself
Oh, in icing
Just misspelling her name
And I don't know
Maybe
I'll go with that
That she wrote out
The notes for the chocolate
Gifts that she was sending
Your secret admirer
It's not quite there
Something that she's written
Incriminated her
Because it matched The handwriting on the...
Yeah, and who she was writing to.
Did she have to sign, not just sign for it,
but just because it wasn't always this conventional,
like you go in the shop and you buy it,
but was she like putting in an order for strychnine
and they just happened to get a copy of that?
Ah, okay.
Katie, anything to add?
She wrote... I got nothing. and to get a copy of that. Ah, OK. Katie, anything to add? Tea?
I got nothing.
Well done for starting, though.
I love that one.
Most of my sentences start
when I don't know
exactly what I'm going to say.
So basically,
she wrote three letters
under three different aliases
to Sidney Albert Barker's parents.
Basically, she was implicating John Maynard
in the crime, saying they should sue him. So she's really going hard down this, it's this guy,
it's this guy. And he's had a chocolate shop for 18 years in Brighton. He has no reason to be
killing people suddenly. So basically, she was charged with the murder of Sidney and the attempted
murder of Emily Beard. Did she plead guilty? What do you think? No, I think she stuck to it to the end.
She might have tried a cheeky insanity plea.
Cheeky insanity, okay.
I'm going to say she might have pleaded guilty,
but be all like, I'm so in love.
Okay, so insanity.
Taylor?
It depends.
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Search for Haunted Canada on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music,
or wherever you find your favorite podcasts. I wonder how much she was starting to believe
her own little story.
Like, who is doing this?
I got the chocolates too, I ate them.
They spelled my name wrong.
Like, really delusional.
Yeah, proper.
My name's not Cristiolo.
So, yeah, I'm going to say she pled not guilty.
Well, Hannah, you're spot on.
It was a cheeky bit of insanity.
She pled insanity.
They always do.
She also was insane from the sounds of this.
I mean, I think it's probably legit, to be fair.
Like, at age 20, she was diagnosed with with hysteria but then at the same time so was
every woman yeah the wandering womb just means she had period pains yes i almost thought i'm
yeah i'm not even going to include it because i just think if i told you that at the beginning
another woman with a uterus
better orgasm her her better Quick Yeah
Does not exist anymore
I've asked for it
I can't get that on the NHL
I thought you said
You had a flirty doctor
She was trying
That does mean
She could have had
Some kind of childhood trauma
That obviously
Hasn't been cured from
Basically
Like her dad
Who was the architect,
he ended up in an asylum.
Her brother was in an asylum.
Okay.
So there's a history of mental illness within their family.
So at the court case,
her mother went and took the stand and said,
look, I think this is true.
But some of the love letters were read out in court
and she'd signed them from Dorothea
and wrote some of the words in Spanish.
They said that she'd lost touch with reality
due to the strength of her infatuation with Dr Beard.
Which, I mean, who said that?
Who?
Anyway, Dr Beard testified, like I promised you,
and he said that he'd never had sex with Christiana
and that they'd never had more than a flirtation.
And it was just blowjobs.
Go on, sorry.
Yeah.
I love that Katie's like, yeah, we flirted. It was a BJ. That is a flirtation. And it was just blowjobs. Go on, sorry. Yeah. I love that Katie's like,
yeah, we flirted.
It was a BJ.
That is a big flirt.
I love it.
But yeah, conveniently,
all of his letters to her
had been burnt
and just did not exist.
And he dismissed
her love letters to him
as the product
of a woman obsessed.
Do we believe him?
Well, who had possession of the letters to him as the product of a woman obsessed. Do we believe him? Well, who had possession of the letters to him?
Did he have those letters or did she have?
Well, it sort of stands to reason that she'd have them.
But I think maybe he was covering his own back by either telling her to get rid of them immediately
or he asked for them back or something before the court case.
This is what infuriates me is what the hell really happened.
You know, like you just like, obviously she's doing things that I do not approve of.
I'm going to make that very clear.
But you just don't know what kind of gaslighting is going on in the background.
And like, I guarantee he was more involved than yeah history is telling us
and who know like who knows he might have been complicit in it like he might have he might have
told her who knows how to inject something better than a doctor he put the strychnine and the
chocolate in the first place you're right i mean there's an element that the possibility that she could actually have been vulnerable. Yeah.
If she's got this history of unresolved trauma and stuff.
I don't know.
We agree.
We can excuse any woman.
Yeah, we always try and excuse the women and blame almost any woman.
Absolutely.
She killed a kid.
She poisoned many people.
But I think we need to take a look at him.
It was all a nice doctor's fault.
When you put it like that, it does sound
like it.
No, no, you go.
Female workplace.
Okay, so we're at the end of our story now.
Do you think the jury convicted her?
Yeah.
She killed a kid.
Yeah.
Yes, they did
They sentenced her to death
But in the end
To death?
Death yeah
Oh my god
Murder man in 1870
So then she said she was pregnant
And then they examined her
And they were like
You're not pregnant
And she was like
But I'm insane
And they were like
You're not pregnant
I'm paraphrasing
What actually happened
Get the memo
I'm insane
So yeah They did eventually declare That she was insane I'm paraphrasing what actually happened get the memo I'm insane so yeah
they did eventually
declare that she was insane
and she spent the rest
of her life
in Broadmoor
criminal unit
oh no
she died there
in 1907
at the age of 79
oh Jesus
yeah
and the reason
that I found this
this case
was that I was watching
it was like a
Channel 5 documentary
that had come on
after after Wild with Ben Fogel which is excellent and I was watching, it was like a Channel 5 documentary that had come on after Wild with Ben Fogel,
which was excellent.
And I was just like, oh, we'll leave it on.
Oh, she murdered a child, okay.
And then I thought, I know who I'll share this with.
That was excellent.
Yeah.
That's an amazing story.
What year did she die?
Sorry.
1907.
1907, okay.
Wow.
Yeah. Oh, I imagined Broadmoor at that time oh my god i don't want to yes when people survive in that setting for so long it fascinates
me not that you can like choose it's because they are insane though if you're gonna survive in there
then i think it'd be a lot easier to be in there.
Yeah, because you're probably maybe doing better in there than poisoning a bunch of people with strychnine on the outside, maybe.
God, that was really good, though, engaged she.
Yeah, yeah.
That was excellent.
Yeah, big and old.
She showed no remorse for her crimes.
And that's it.
So let's hear it for
I guess chocolates
Cheers
Unpoisoned chocolates
And to our future cookbook
Pairing your poisons
Appropriately
Smiley face
Genuinely think
We should probably do that
I think that would be
The funniest thing ever
Let's do it.
At the end of Drunk Women's Summer Crime,
we always do a listener crime.
And I believe red-handed,
you guys have bought us a listener crime.
We do have a listener crime for you.
Oh my gosh.
So basically, we asked our patrons
to tell us their listener crimes.
And we got about 400 replies
Oh my god
I was like, I don't know how to get through all of these
So I just sort of
Give them to us, we'll do them on our podcast
You can have all of them, there are so many
Oh yeah, we literally will
And I actually was like, there are three really good ones
And Amanda was like, no, there's time for one
And that's very fair because we have to be strict.
So this was the best one that we thought that made me laugh the hardest.
So this is from a young man.
This is from a man.
I don't know if he's young or whatever.
Named Edward Hearn.
Oh, he sounds young.
He sounds like a young man's name.
It's very simple.
It's in one sentence.
It says, my dad was a victim of credit card fraud.
The fraudster used the card to buy two things,
to book a five-star hotel in Vegas
and buy a whole full-page slot of advertisement
in a magazine dedicated to ballet.
Who was this person?
Wow. That's so random i mean
that's great just two things who goes to vegas and takes out ad space a full page that's a crazy
venn diagram because i normally wouldn't put those together oh my god so this guy has already stolen
a credit card you know he's obviously not a great guy. I love the idea that Av just says like, ballet sucks.
You're wasting your life, Twinkle Toes. Go back to school.
Play English.
And then he went to Vegas to celebrate. Maybe, maybe he got turned down by a ballerina and he's furious.
So he takes out a ballet sucks advert and then he goes to Vegas to celebrate.
Possibly a vendetta story, the classic revenge tale.
Yes. Maybe they were an aspiring ballerina and their dad told them they couldn't do it.
And then they ran away and did it anyway
and they bought the ad space
to be like,
see dad,
I always can do it.
And then they had
to go to Vegas
to do their residency.
Yeah,
so they could have been
advertising their own
ballet show in Vegas
and then just staying
in a five-star hotel.
Exactly.
And then they send pictures
of their sold-out ballet show
to their dad
to be like,
look dad,
it sold out organically.
I didn't spend a whole load of money on a full paid ballet friend.
I totally think we've legit cracked it.
Like I can't wait to hear from this guy. He's like, oh, my God.
Yeah, I actually had the answer and I was withholding it because I know what it's like.
This smacks of like a first Edinburgh show.
It's like you're not jaded yet
like nobody has shat on your picnics you're like i'm gonna spend all my budget on a great bit of
accommodation yeah and a huge ass i want to enjoy it when i get in after my show yeah like the show
was called spin and then he realized like oh i can't do on point at all i don't know it feels like a show
he should have spent that money on flyers yes it was a bad decision yeah i do always find it
interesting what people do when they steal someone's credit card or their identity i always
find magazines fascinating like there's a ballet magazine that seems crazy
apparently so and you can take out a full page ad so there you go and it's important to support
the arts especially now so if there's any credit card thieves listening to the podcast do take out
ad space in niche magazines in niche arts magazines full page because it's not your money yeah that would be such a
funny thing yeah if there were any fraudsters out there that are stealing credit card details on the
regular like an arts and culture robin hood yeah yeah what's the first thing that you would buy
though let's say that it was morally fine to steal somebody's credit card what are you gonna buy
so I've been trying to buy a sofa recently and the one that I would like is very expensive and
feels like an unnecessary amount of money to spend on a sofa so I'd probably just buy that
and not worry about it yeah free sofa free sofa well I felt that recently I bought a new office
chair for like where I sit and I work.
And it was quite expensive for me.
And I was like, and I toyed with it for six months before I actually bought it.
And my advice to you is just fucking buy it.
Steal a credit card tomorrow.
Treat yourself.
Because you deserve that sofa.
I mean, this is the prologue of the pairing with poison book, basically.
It's like an also.
For happiness. Steal like an also. For happiness.
Steel for sofas.
Yes.
We're going to need a legal team before we get a publisher.
I'm just throwing that out there.
I agree.
Let's do that ASAP.
We're just going to put some stuff in quotes, that's all.
It's a good idea.
Air quotes.
Get into everything. And then cite it to someone else. Then they can Gets you out of everything.
And then cite it to someone else.
Then they can't sue you.
Right?
Smart.
She came for the true crime and you leave him for the crime.
That's another life hack.
Well, I've been spelling my own name wrong in scripts for years.
Well,
what can I say, Edward?
I really hope that's helped.
I'm pretty sure
it probably has.
And I guess
all that leaves for us to do
is to wrap this up.
I have to read
the comic relief thing,
which is going to be
a riot of laughs
because I'm really bad
at reading out loud
and I'm also quite drunk now.
So we'll see how this goes.
Okay.
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Yay! That was excellent! So I guess we should just sign off the episode saying I mean steal a credit
card guys get that money to comic relief is what I'm saying
because they need it
and this has been
such a pleasure we're
going to start a pod
squad which is just
us being friends now
because it's been so
much fun
I'm so excited
and then we're going
to write the pairing
poisons book and do
all of this stuff it's
going to be so much
fun
so this has been
Drunk Women Caught Red Handed
Yay
Sort of sounds like a porno
But I feel like
That'll bring them in
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