RedHanded - FROM THE VAULT - ShortHand: Conclave

Episode Date: May 9, 2025

ShortHand is released weekly for Wondery+ and Amazon Music subscribers. Listen exclusively and ad-free every Tuesday on Wondery+ through Apple Podcasts and Spotify. And depending on where you are in the world, ShortHand is included with your Prime Membership on Amazon Music.--What happens when humanity’s mouthpiece of God, the holiest man on earth, The Pope, passes away? First and foremost a man bonks him on the head with a centuries-old little hammer to make sure he’s really gone.From there things only get weirder as all the cardinals are locked inside the Vatican with no access to the outside world, before taking part in an incredibly protracted, ritual-filled voting process, until eventually the world is introduced to the new Holy Father.This is the Sacred ShortHand.Exclusive bonus content:Wondery - Ad-free & ShortHandPatreon - Ad-free & Bonus EpisodesFollow us on social media:YouTubeTikTokInstagramVisit our website:WebsiteSources available on redhandedpodcast.comSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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the CEO of UnitedHealthcare, he didn't just spark outrage. He ignited a cultural firestorm. Is the system working, or is it time for a reckoning? I'm Jesse Weber. Listen to Law and Crime's Luigi exclusively on Wondery Plus. When a young woman named Desiree vanishes without a trace, the trail leads to Kat Torres, a charismatic influencer with millions of followers. But behind the glamorous posts

and inspirational quotes, a sinister truth unravels. Binge all episodes of Don't Cross Kat early and ad-free on Wondery Plus. You're listening to an episode of Shorthand, our weekly show for Wondery Plus and Amazon Music subscribers. And we've squirreled it onto the main feed for you. Shorthand was started a few years ago now, which seems mental, as an excuse for us to cover whatever we want, anything we think is interesting. And we have done just that. We've covered everything from royal kidnappings, holy grail hunters, parasocial relationships, and even got the lowdown on the high drama of Gwyneth Paltrow's skiing accident. Come October time, Shorthand is where we dive into all things

terrifying. Vlad the Impaler, werewolves, haunted houses, demonic possessions, loads of it. Listen exclusively and ad free every Tuesday on Wondry Plus, through Apple Podcasts and Spotify or on Amazon Music. It's red-handed without the true crime and depending on where you are in the world, if you have an Amazon Prime account, you can get them as well. Have fun. You won't be sorry. Hello. Hello. A good day. I'm trying to think of what priests say. Welcome children.

To shorthand. Nice. Where we're going bang into the Vatican because Pope Francis is, as we record this, about to bin it. And by the time this has come out he may actually have died. Indeed. So what happens now? Well, if you believe the prophecies of the Popes as penned by St. Malachy in the 12th century, the end is extremely fucking nigh. I'm going to say there's a lot of people that didn't know that.

Well, welcome. I do know that. And here's what I know. According to the ancient texts which are squirreled away in holy archives, there were only ever going to be 112 Supreme Leaders of the Roman Catholic Church before the final judgment cometh. Oh my God. And Pope Francis took that spot. 112th. I feel like I'm in a doomsday cult when everyone thinks they've got loads of time, but we're at the end time. Do you know what? I was thinking about this on my bike. Christianity is a doomsday cult. It's just the final judgment is very nebulous and very far away. Do most religions have

some sort of end time? I don't know. You're the Hindu. Lapsed. Failed. Not a clue. Don't know. Don't know what Hinduism says. There's obviously the like destruction is a big part of it. But I actually don't know. The Vikings did. Rack of Rock. I'm sure the others do. Who knows? Ask your mum. But what if I'm wrong and St Malachi was wrong? What if it was all wrong? We have to assume that the church are going to set the sacred four warnings aside and keep on keeping on and select, are you ready for this? The 113th Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, successor to the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan

of the Roman province, Sovereign of the State of Vatican City, Servant to the Servants of God. That is the Pope's full title. It's going to be hard to keep that cover letter to just one page. It's actually his holiness blank and then all of those things. Got it. Breaker of Chains, Mother of Dragons. Didn't make sense in my sentence structure so I had to take it out. And if you listeners at home, you heathens, have missed the masterpiece of cinema sweeping awards season that was Conclave, starring Voldemort and the Tooch, and you have no idea how the Bishop of Rome

is selected, this is your lucky day. Here is the sacred shorthand. Feel like we should be drinking red wine and eating little wafers. Yeah. I'm assuming you've never drunk communion wine? No. It's gross. I mean, no, it's not.

It's like less strong port is what it tastes like. Nah. But a communion wafer is less than five calories. So it doesn't break a fast. Nom nom nom nom. Lovely. Right. So to kick off, we have a little understood fact for you faithful.

As a Vatican is a state in itself, not just a city, the Pope is actually a monarch. Yeah. King man, King Pope. There you go. the Pope is actually a monarch. Yeah, King Man, King Pope. There you go. It is monumentally bad practice for a nation to have no head of state.

So as soon as the current Pope is no longer able to Pope, the process of finding the new Shepard-in-Chief begins. Pope succession is an ancient operation dripping in ritual. And there are a lot of rules, as you might expect, that have been made, taken back, made again, and then forgotten over nearly a thousand years of potpourri. Isn't that mad? Like a thousand and a half years. Wow.

Nuts. Because the first pope was St Peter. Yeah, of course. Mm-hmm. The rock upon which I shall build my church. So when a pope dies, his kicking off the bucket needs to be officially verified by his special chamberlain, whose official title is Cardinal Carmelengo. I thought that was just Ewan McGregor's name. No.

Sorry, but it was Ewan McGregor in Angels and Demons. I always call himself, oh no, I always call James McAvoy Ewan McGregor. So anyway, nailed it. So if anyone has Cardinal in front of their title, it means that they were appointed to that role by the Pope himself. Yeah, you can have Cardinal all sorts, you can have Cardinal Priest, Cardinal Deacon. It just means that the Pope himself has said, I give you this title, rather than a bishop or whatever. Got it.

So yeah, since 1962, almost all cardinals have been bishops first, and there are only allowed to be 120 of them in the whole world, in theory. Yeah, it's a bit of a misnomer. Technically, worldwide, there are only supposed to be 120. Every single Pope, at least the last five, have exceeded that number when they come into office. But for reasons we will go on to explain, they don't really count if they're over 80. So that's like a rule. So it doesn't really matter that there are more than 120 in practice.

I see. So is it kind of like, we know you over 80s are going to die soon, it'll equalize itself. It's fine. Don't worry about it. Exactly. Got it. Just like when a new pope comes in, he's like, I've got this mate, sure, in Istanbul, who really needs a favor. Anyway, after the current pope ascends to meet his boss, the Carmelengo calls the dead pontiff by their baptismal name three times, loud enough that the master of papal celebrations, the secretary and the chancellor of the papal treasury, very important people, can hear him. And the Carmelengo also whacks the Pope on the head

with a little silver hammer every time he calls him by his government name. We don't know why. It's one of those traditions that has just been lost to the annals of time. Is it just to make sure he's definitely dead? I think in theory that's the idea. Sure, it's just like I checked, tapped him three times, he dead. Yes, and there are a lot of things, they don't do this anymore, but they used to sort of because of Pope Joan. Oh, you don't know about Pope Joan?

I said that like, oh yeah. Pope Joan was a lady. Joan of Arc? No, Pope Joan fooled them all into thinking she was a yeah. Pope Joan was a lady. Joan what? No. Pope Joan fooled them all into thinking she was a man, but she was a woo man. And then after that was all very embarrassing for the church. They check that the Pope has balls, but they don't do that anymore. So they used to lift them up on a big chair and like look up their skirt, but they don't do that anymore. So there's like a lot of- Work it with a little silver hammer.

They're like, oh, well, we got it wrong that time. What can we do to stop it from happening again? And that's where a lot of the traditions come from. Got it. But the silver hammer, we don't know. In the early hours of December 4th, 2024, CEO Brian Thompson stepped out onto the streets of Midtown Manhattan. This assailant starts firing at him. And the suspect, he has been identified as Luigi Nicholas Mangione, became one of

the most divisive figures in modern criminal history. I was meant to sow terror. He's awoking the people to a true issue. Listen to Law and Crime's Luigi exclusively on Wondery Plus. You can join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app, Spotify or Apple podcasts. All right, very quick break because I know you are gagging to get back to this particular episode. But we have to tell you a little bit about what's going on on Patreon this week. Certainly. Well, this week we have Under the Duvet where I explain how hypnosis works badly,

but it works. It does work. And I will tell you how I came off the pill and now the back knee's back. We also have a little chat about Russell Brand and contemplate the composition of the soul and whether it even fucking matters. And then I do a little review on a throwback dating TV show that I watched on Channel 4 called Perfect Match,

where I literally couldn't believe, A, that people were smoking in clubs because it's that old and then all the horrific things that were coming out of people's mouths. And you can listen to all of that over on Patreon and you can watch it too under the duvet as every week we release it every Wednesday morning and also on Patreon you can get Red Handed totally ad free and we also do monthly bonus episodes and you can find all of that at patreon.com forward slash red handed. So once he's done his shouting and his hammer whacking, if there is no response or resurrection, then the Pope is pronounced to be truly dead and the Carmelengo will recite Psalm 130 which is called the Song of Ascents as I wait for the Lord. More than the watchman wait for

the morning, that's reasonably famous. Then after he's finished doing his psalming, all of the men in the room have to kiss the hand of the dead vicar of Jesus Christ in order of rank obviously. And then his holiness's face is covered with a white veil. Next, all of the priests who hear confession in St Peter's are called to watch over the body while the Carmelengo goes and tells everyone else the terrible news. The body is bathed and dressed and a silk cloth is draped over the corpse, exposing only the holy right hand which displays the fisherman's ring. They do that to prove that it really is the previous pope under there. Seems very easy to swap that out but let's move on.

Four large beeswax candles are placed at the corners of the bed frame presumably to combat any rotting corpse smell and a bucket of holy water is left at the foot of the papal bed so any priests who come and say hi can flick them with some holy water and do the thing. So after this the Carmelengo then takes the ring of the fishermen off the corpse and gives it to the Vatican senior management, the College of Cardinals. And that is so that the ring can be destroyed, which they do again with a little silver hammer, the same one that they knocked the pope with on the head. And the fisherman's ring destruction has more to it than just symbolic end to the papal

reign. The ring is also inscribed with the unique seal of each Prince of the Apostles, which was used to seal letters in the olden times, proving that they really did come from the one true Pope. Therefore, destroying the ring of the fishermen prevents someone stealing it and pretending to be the Pope via letters. Therefore, destroying the ring of the fisherman prevents someone stealing it and pretending to be the Pope via letters. Once the ring has been split in twain, the bells of St Peter ring out and the masses are made aware that the King of the Vatican is dead.

Do you know why it's called the ring of the fisherman? Someone was a fisherman, not Jesus. Was he? Oh, but he had the whole thing about fish, feeding the masses with a fish. He did do that, but it's not wise. St. Peter was a fisher of men. Oh, yes. You did actually tell me that before. So that's why the Pope is the top fish man of men. So then the Pope's body is moved to St. Peter's Basilica for public viewing, which usually lasts about three days. And once he is out of there, the papal apartments are sealed

and no one enters them until a new Pope has been anointed and revealed to the city of Rome and the world. In the interim Pope period, limited powers are awarded to the College of Cardinals, who are headed by the Dean of Cardinals, Ray Fiennes. Which I read the other day, I don't think he's up for an Oscar for best supporting because loads of people on the board thought he had won for Schindler's List or the English Patient. He never won. He's never had one. So he's just been like swept aside. I saw that. Poor Ray, he deserves it. Anyway, so the cardinals get to work by getting all of the other cardinals that don't reside in Rome. They have to get them there. So the new selection of the leader can begin. Interestingly enough, Ratzinger, the Nazi, he was the Dean

of Cardinals under Pope John Paul II. So you can become the Pope from that role, but it's very rare. I see. Speaking of old Nazi face, he was the first Pope to resign rather than conk it in 598 years. Wow. Also rare, but it does happen. And when a Pope resigns rather than dies, things go slightly differently. The ring of the fisherman isn't destroyed, it's just marked with a little X. So it can't be used for sealing official documentation or if it is, they're like, wait a minute.

Do they get to keep it? Of course they get to keep it. Yeah, no one else can have it. Sure. So once the Cardinal College hear of the papal passing, they are required to travel to the Vatican unless they turn 80 before the papal vacancy, then they can just come if they want to. They just can't vote, thanks to JP too though. Yeah, so he made that rule, which is what I was talking about with the 120. If you're over 80, you can't vote. So like, you can just come along for the ride. Just to say you were there.

Yeah, I mean, you would, wouldn't you? Oh, totally. So once all the Holy Cardinal Bishops have made it to the papal tea, the first congregation of the Cardinals usually happens about four to six days after the Pope dies, during the nine-day official mourning period. And it's during this meeting that they agree upon the commencement date of the next conclave. And conclave literally means with key, because all of the cardinals get locked up until they can make a decision on the rightful successor of St Peter.

In the first few decades of organised Christianity, church officials were decided by a general consensus of their communities. But over time, the imprecision of this system caused more problems than it solved. Have you heard about the anti-popes? No. So the problem with this system is that because in early Christianity they were all quite spread around, when it came to like picking the leader of the church, people would decide on different people leading to popes and anti-popes. It happened quite a few times, but the most

significant one was in like 14 something and it caused what's called the Great Western Schism, where basically the Catholic Church almost split into again after the West East Schism where like Orthodox remained one thing and Catholicism became this other thing. They sorted it out in the end, but it was close. So the whole he seems like a good guy system was upgraded in 1059, when it was decided that the College of Cardinals were the only ones allowed to decide on the top spot of the Roman Catholic Church. Still though, coming to a conclusion could take months, sometimes even years.

Once the conclave took so long that, and this was after locking them up was introduced, the townspeople took the roof off the building because they were like, hurry. I think the longest one took over three years. Oh my God. So the council could do all their Sea of Rome arguing out in the open until 1274, when Pope Gregory X decided that they all had to be locked away from politicians trying to influence the cardinals. And to make things speedier, Gregory also added that the cardinals were allowed less food the longer they took to decide. He just rations them out. And so the conclave began. In the beginning, the Pope vote had to be a unanimous one, but that took ages. So, Pope Gregory XV decided in the 15th century that

a two-thirds majority was enough to get over the hallowed finish line. But until 1903, monarchs of Catholic countries were allowed to veto the sanctified decision, but Pope Pius X eliminated that structure and even now any cardinal who confers with a political entity will not only be expelled from the conclave, they will be totally excommunicated from the church. And it was at this stage in the development that the blessed election was given the name that it still holds, which is so intense. It's called the scrutiny. The drama. It's very tragic. You've got to give it to the Cathos. They know drama, they know pomp, they know ceremony and they know dresses. Oh, they sure do.

And tiny little silver hammers. Yeah, love a ritual. Especially if it's plated in gold, we'd double up those. It reads like a list from the episode of The Apprentice where they have to go buy random things. Surprisingly, or you may be surprised by this if you haven't watched Conclave, cardinals are allowed to vote for themselves. Although it is considered incredibly poor form to campaign for the Pope position. But if you do vote for yourself, nobody's going to know. With that in mind, worried that the self-vote could tip the scale. In 1945 Pope Pius XII decreed

that the majority now had to be two thirds of those present plus one. And this particular conclave rule has changed loads over time. They used to be able to tell other people that they were going to vote for themselves and people would be aware of it and then that all changed. But what is important for us to understand as we stand on the precipice of history is that as of 2007, the two-thirds rule no longer stands. Any majority is currently enough to end the conclave and that was Routzing, I hope, put that in. Now before we get into the minutia of what will happen when the next conclave kicks off, we should probably tell you who can actually be elected as Pope. Surprisingly, any baptised Catholic male qualifies for the

race. Literally anyone. I did not know that. No me either. The only thing that technically has to stand is that they can't have a history of heresy. No, they can't have done a takesy-backsies at any point in their life. However, that is a bit of a misnomer. The last Pope, who wasn't a cardinal bishop, was elected in 1378. So really there is no danger of a layman succeeding Francis.

Yeah, absolutely none at all. The next voice of God on earth will emerge from within the Sistine Chapel. Once all those in the blessed running have arrived, the College of Cardinals head on over to celebrate Mass in St Peter's Basilica. Then they sing the Litany of the Saints and the Veni Creata Spiritus to invoke the Holy Ghost in the Apostolic Palace. Before they head into the Sistine Chapel to be locked away, the College of Cardinals hear a sermon on the current state of the Church and the qualities that the next Pope will require to handle

it. Then they'll all swear to defend the liberty of the Holy See, which is the Pope's throne, to keep all their secrets and to ignore secular swayings. To the same end, the Sistine Chapel is thoroughly swept for bugs and recording devices. Wi-Fi is also blocked across the whole of Vatican City. Yeah, the first time they did an electoral recording device sweep was the last conclave where Francis was elected. They didn't find any, but what has happened previously is that journalists will dress up like servants and they've managed to get in. Once they've done all their mass and their sermons and the singing, the master of papal liturgical celebrations, who is not a cardinal notably, stands at the door of the Sistine Chapel and

calls out extra ominous, which means dinner's ready. Everyone out. So the master of ceremonies. So it's kind of like, you know, in the Hunchback of Notre Dame, sanctuary. And he's like standing at the front of Notre Dame at the doors. It's supposed to be like that, this very dramatic call out. However, the Master of Cerenes has been known to intone this into a microphone by the altar in more recent years, which basically still gets the job done, but is less fun. And as soon as all of the grubby non-cardinals have been expelled from the Chamber of Holy Jud judgment, the doors of the Sistine Chapel are closed. The master of the celebrations is allowed to stay with one other non-cardinal ecclesiastic who's usually a priest, but they're not in there for very long. The solitary ecclesiastical

then delivers the second sermon of the day, third if you include the mass, covering the same ground, what is happening within the church and what the new pope will need to do about it. And then he, just a lowly priest, has to go, even if his speech was particularly stirring. Any cardinals who arrive late will be admitted into the conclave, but any who leave except in case of illness are not allowed to return. And once they're all present and accounted for there's a few more prayers and a discussion of any doubts, and then the scrutiny begins on the afternoon of the first day of the conclave. Inspired by the hit, wonder-y podcast Against the Odds comes the gripping guidebook, How

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CEO Brian Thompson stepped out onto the streets of Midtown Manhattan. This assailant pulls out a weapon and starts firing at him. We're talking about the CEO of the biggest private health insurance corporation in the world. And the suspect. He has been identified as Luigi Nicholas Mangione. Became one of the most divisive figures

in modern criminal history. I was targeted, premeditated, and meant to sow terror. I'm Jesse Weber, host of Luigi, produced by Law and Crime and Twist twist this is more than a true crime investigation we explore a uniquely American moment that could change the country forever. He's awoken the people to a true issue. I mean maybe this would lead rich and powerful people to

acknowledge the barbaric nature of our health care system. Listen to law and crimes's Luigi exclusively on Wondery+. You can join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app, Spotify or Apple podcasts. And the first stage is called the pre-scrutiny. Nine members of the College of Cardinals are essentially picked out of a hat. The first three names are designated as scrutineers and they are responsible for counting the votes. The next three names are the Infirmary, who collect votes from Cardinals who are in the Vatican but who are too ill to be sat in the Sistine Chapel with everyone else. And the final three Cardinals selected are destined to be Revisers, who check that no

one has miscounted or made a mistake. So with the key players ready to make some Catholic magic, it's showtime. The ballot papers are distributed to the College. They must be rectangular and big enough for them to be folded twice. And the top of the paper must read Elysio in Summum Pontificum. On these papers each of the cardinals must write, clearly and legibly, the man they want to be the next Bishop of Rome. But they are also encouraged to disguise their handwriting as much as possible.

When they have written their vote, each of the cardinals, in order of seniority, holds their twice-folded ballot aloft and carries it to the altar where the scrutineers are waiting. They pop their ballot in a chalice or a pot or whatever, and then they cover it up with a plate whilst saying, in Latin, but never mind, I've translated it for you, I call as my witness Christ the Lord who will be my judge that my vote is given to the one who before God I think should be elected. And then the voter does a little bow and he goes back to his seat. His seat these days is just a normal chair but in days gone by, the cardinals sat on big thrones during conclaves up until much more recently than you may think. Nat. But now there are too many of them to fit in the Sistine Chapel because they have

to do double rows of chairs now, the thrones have been binned. After the vote, the infirmary do their rounds, making sure that the whole college sees the box that they are taking with them is empty and not full of spurious ballots. And then the scrutineers count all of the ballots in the chalice, slash pot and the ones from the sick box and check that there are the matching number of men present and then they mix them all together. If there is a numerical discrepancy, every single one of the ballots are burned and the whole thing starts again. Oh my god, you'd just be raging. Oh yeah, fucking drops it from on his way back.

Fuck that. I think that's probably something to do with the no 81 year olds rule. So if everything is correct, the votes are counted by the scrutineers and pierced with a needle and kept on a thread so that no votes are lost. The names written on the papers are read aloud, as they're recorded by each scrutineer. The totals are checked by the revisers and the first scrutiny is completed. A Pope has only been elected at this early stage once in history, and that was Pope Innocent VI in 1276. When inevitably a majority has

not been reached at the end of scrutiny number one, the ballots are burned in a special stove installed in the chapel, releasing the famousomata into the skies over Rome through a temporary chimney. They take it down when there's no conclave. I don't know if you've seen it. It's really rickety. It looks like a chicken coop or something and it's not there all the time. So the Fomata is the proper name for the famous smoke signal that the world waits for to check how they're all getting on, locked away in there. This tradition is one of the newer ones, only started in the 1800s. The smoke from the burned ballots only signalled a failed election. And lack of smoke was a sign of success. The church

didn't see the obvious problem with this system, however, until 1914, when white smoke had to be introduced as a clever marker of an electoral victory. Yeah, you just, how long are they waiting for? There has been many a confusion over the hue of the smoke. And this is interesting to someone like me and probably me only. When we as a species gave up on beeswax and started to favour animal fat instead, the smoke colour wasn't clear enough, the spectators didn't know what was happening, everyone lost their minds. And to avoid the wrath of a confused public, in 1963 there was the introduction of chemicals to the burning ballots. So no one gets the wrong end of the

stick on the outside of the sequestrum. Good. Again, amazing it took them that long to figure it out, but never mind. Back inside the Sistine Chapel after scrutiny number one, the cardinals are allowed to retire. For centuries they were put up on little beds in the Sistine Chapel itself, which bearing in mind they are never allowed to open the windows or even the shutters during conclave. Sounds pretty sticky, especially depending on the time of year. But those days are gone. As of 2005, there is a special accommodation for the College of Cardinals within the walls of the Vatican called Casa Santa Maria and

it's staffed by a select few housekeeping and kitchen staff, usually none. And there are very strict regulations within this holy house. For example, this is my favorite one. I actually used it on Bumble the other day when someone was like, what's your best fact? And I was like, you're not ready for this motherfucker. Whole chickens have not been allowed on the Conclave menu since 1550 because they are too easy to hide bribes and secrets in. Wow. That's amazing. These days Casa Santa Maria is where the cardinals eat and where they sleep. In rooms built for

two. And the cardinals are not allowed to pick who their bunkie is no matter how senior they may be. Boo. So the next day the rigmarole begins again. There are two votes in the morning, two votes in the afternoon and the ballots are burned twice a day. And so it goes on and on until a consensus or a majority is reached and the college have to reswear to follow the rules every single time they scroll their wishes on the perfectly

rectangular ballot papers. If they are still unagreed after three days of scrutiny, they get a day off filled with prayer, introspection and telling off from the senior cardinal deacon. After seven further votes, they are allowed another day of rest, but this time the bollocking comes from the senior cardinal priest. If there are seven more failures, the church call in the top brass and the senior cardinal bishop delivers the address of disappointment. We also love a hierarchy. Now if proceedings get this far, only the top two names are allowed to be tipped into

the goblet of fire by the college for the remainder of the conclave. And those two men surrendered their right to vote. Desperate times. And once the election has ground to a conclusive selection, everyone sighs a big sigh and orders four whole chickens on Deliveroo. Then the final ballots are burned with different smoke-making chemicals releasing the iconic white smoke to the baying crowds outside. The secretary of the College of Cardinals is allowed back in and so is the master of papal liturgical celebrations and the Dean

of Cardinals, Ralph Fiennes, then asks the Pope-elect if he accepts his post as Supreme Pontiff. And the chosen one has every right to reply with, non-excepto. Can you fucking imagine? You've been yelled at by every bloody bishop and whatnot in the church. You've been locked up in there for days. You haven't had a whole chicken in weeks. And then he's like, nah. Again, it's only theoretical really. In reality, that happens extraordinarily rarely, usually because Cardinal Bishops,

who are quite happy staying Cardinal Bishops, make that known pretty early on. But there is a rumor, which I love, that Pope John Paul I, when he was asked, or I think just before he's asked if he's just muttering to himself, oh please no. Please no. They're like, shut the fuck up.

So once the new pope has accepted his fate, assuming he has all of the correct titles under his belt, he takes office immediately. In the older Throne days, all the cardinals would pull a rope, unfurling a curtain to cover all of the cardinals who had not been picked. It's like line day! It's so good! But for the last 1,500 years, a new name has been chosen by the elected. Not an uncommon practice in the Catholic Church. At every big life juncture, you get to pick a new name. And there have been a few popes who did keep their birth name after the conclusion of Conclave,

but it is very rare. Yeah, it's kind of like when you're confirmed you get a new name, when you get to be a priest you pick a new name, like it's because you're absolved of your previous self. I see. Then the whole thing is recorded in writing and the new pope gives his skullcap to the secretary of the conclave and is whisked off to the ominous room of tears. Oh no. This small room within the Sistine Chapel is so named because of the big feelings that brand new popes tend to

have at this moment in their lives. And once he's calmed down, the new pope chooses his pontifical robes. Three sets in different sizes are laid out during the scrutiny because they're not sure if he's going to be a skinny legend or not. And while he is getting costumed up, the senior cardinal deacon takes to the exterior gallery of St. Peter's Basilica and tells the waiting world, I announce to you with great joy we have a pope, the most eminent and the most reverent lord, lord whatever his name is, cardinal of the Holy Roman Empire and then his surname, who has taken the papal name Long John Silver or whatever. And he says it all in Latin anyway so who cares. One thing I had forgotten when I watched Conclave is that because until like the 60s

or something mass was said in Latin and a lot of it still is, it's not uncommon for priests, bishops, cardinals of the Catholic Church who are from different countries to actually just speak to each other in Latin because they can all do it! Anyway, then a large maroon banner, usually displaying the late Pope's coat of arms, is unfurled from the gallery of the Basilica. There have been a couple of occasions where the new Pope's coat of arms have been waiting in there, which is suspicious. Anyway, next comes the biggest moment of all. The newly elected Pope emerges while a brass band plays his walkout music. And the new sovereign of the state of Vatican City in his brand new dress addresses the crowd below with the Urbi et Orbi blessing.

What do you think that means? Duh. Irritable be. Something round? Yeah. I don't know. The city and the world. Oh, I see. And a new pontificate begins. And we will have to wait and see,

firstly if the world ends, before we get to this point, like a plague of whole fried chickens just pelting Vatican City. We'll have to wait and see who makes the cut. But Francis, in my opinion, my humble, fallen Catholic opinion, quite a big pair of Pope boots to fill, I think. So we'll see. We shall have to wait and see. Maybe, you know, I'm sure it may have all started by the time you're listening to this.

But let's see. So yes, now you know exactly what's next, or what's happening right now. So enjoy that knowledge, and we'll see you next week. Bye! You know those creepy stories that give you goosebumps? The ones that make you really question what's real? Well, what if I told you that some of the strangest, darkest, and most mysterious stories are not found in haunted houses or abandoned forests, but instead in hospital rooms and doctor's offices? Hi, I'm Mr. Ballin, the host of Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries, and each week on my podcast,

you can expect to hear stories about bizarre illnesses no one can explain, miraculous recoveries that shouldn't have happened, and cases so baffling they stumped even the best doctors. So if you crave totally true and thoroughly twisted horror stories and mysteries, Mr. Bolland's Medical Mysteries should be your new go-to weekly show. Listen to Mr. Bolland's Medical Mysteries on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen early and ad-free right now by joining Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Spotify or Apple podcasts. You know those creepy stories that give you goosebumps? The ones that make you really

question what's real? Well, what if I told you that some of the strangest, darkest, and most mysterious stories are not found in haunted houses or abandoned forests, but instead in hospital rooms and doctor's offices? Hi, I'm Mr. Ballin, the host of Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries, and each week on my podcast, you can expect to hear stories about bizarre illnesses no one can explain, miraculous recoveries that shouldn't have happened, and cases so baffling, they stumped even the best doctors. So if you crave totally true and thoroughly twisted horror stories and mysteries, Mr. Bolland's Medical Mysteries should be your new go-to weekly show. Listen to Mr. Bolland's Medical Mysteries on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts.

You can listen early and ad-free right now by joining Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Spotify or Apple podcasts. You can listen early and ad-free right now by joining Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Spotify or Apple podcasts.