RedHanded - ShortHand: King Ferdinand VII – History’s Biggest D**k

Episode Date: March 17, 2026

As long as a walking stick. A billiards cue. Thin as a nub of wax at the base, thick as a man’s fist at the tip.These are just some of the eye-watering descriptions of what King Ferdinand VII – Spain’s worst ever king – was allegedly hiding beneath his britches...This week, H&S are lifting the sheets of the royal bedroom to meet a king who wrecked an empire, traumatised his young brides, and left the Spanish court buzzing with scandal – all because of his deeply unfortunate anatomical affliction. --Patreon - Ad-free & Bonus EpisodesYouTube - Full-length Video EpisodesTikTok / InstagramSources and more available on redhandedpodcast.com

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solutions to store all your winter year until next year. Try four weeks free today. Visit access storage.cai. Hello. What's how? Bienveninos a... I can't remember the word for short. Short mano. Pekeno mano.

Oh, perfect. I don't think this. Never mind. Altas tall, I know that one. I, unsurprisingly, have never actually had to use the Spanish word for short. Let's look it up. A Corta

Or corto Cotto Welcome to Cotomano Where we're talking about Spain And Penises A really huge

Massive Deformed Unbearably Large Unimaginable Penes I would like to state For the record

I'm forced to do this Against my will I chose them I chose this But don't pretend Hannah That you hadn't watched the same documentary I watched You know it

We both watched it And I was like, I'd get out I felt sick I couldn't finish it But now we're doing a short handle I'm excited So allow us

If you don't already know I actually hope you don't know I hope until this moment Your life has been free of this knowledge Allow us to introduce you To Ferdinand The Seventh Spain's worst ever king.

During his disastrous reign, old Ferdie screwed over all of his allies and family members, made enemies across the political spectrum, rewound years of intellectual progress, lost almost all of Spain's foreign colonies abroad, and left the once mighty Spanish Empire and international laughing stock on the verge of a bloody revolution. On his pathetic quest to sire an heir

to his royally messed up kingdom, This inbred idiot also traumatised his multiple teenage wives. With the aforementioned, monstrous and hideously-divormed Megadong, this is the not-so-short-hound. On the 14th of October, 1784 in the gilded halls of the Escarole Palace near Madrid, a brand-new royal baby came screaming into the world. His full Spanish name was fucking hell. Oh, my God.

Fernando, Francisco, de Paula, Domingo, Vincent, Ferreira, Antonio, Jose, Joaquim, Pasquale, Diego, Juan Neppo Munson, Juanario, Francisco Javier, Raphael, Miguel, Gabriel, Callisto, Keanto, Fausto, Luis, Rimundo, Gregorio, Lorenzo, Geronimo, de babon and babon pama I feel like I just read out a Spanish class register for an old boy school

I think we need to give a moment to Geronimo de Bourbon Did you write this? Did you inflict this upon yourself? No. I would never have done that. Okay, well take it away Geronimo de Bourbon. But we'll just call him Ferdin. He was actually the ninth of his parents, 14 children, with twin older brothers.

But they both died in childhood. So Ferdinand was next in the queue for the throne. Ferdinand's father, Charles IV of Bourbon, wasn't a particularly hands-on dad, or a king, for that matter. Charles famously spent more time fishing and hunting than he actually did ruling his vast empire, and instead left most of the heavy lifting

to his most trusted advisor, charismatic leader of the royal guards, Manuel Godoy, who, incidentally, everyone knew, were shagging Charles' wife, Queen Maria Louisa, of Palmer on the side. Under the honorary title of Prince of the Peace, Godoy had a meteoric rise to become Spain's unofficial dictator. Better than groom of the stool, isn't it? It is much better. There's also a lot of people with very unfortunate penis-related jobs in this episode, so prepare yourselves.

But yes, Godoy, he was a commoner pulling all the strings behind the scenes. It was a big job. Meanwhile, Ferdinand was raised away from Royal Matter. in Godoy's mighty shadow. Puberty's awkward for everybody, but it was especially awkward for this young royal. As he grew into a man, it became quite clear that Ferdinand was different.

He suffered from an affliction that modern doctors would probably diagnose as macrogenitosomia. In other words, an abnormally oversized penis. And we're not talking like... A bit big, fun, he's... tongue like a horse. Probably shouldn't wear cycling shorts. Yeah, no, no.

We're talking a deformity of the highest order. Historians believe that this was a genetic defect caused by these centuries of inbreeding within the Royal House of Bourbon. Kind of like the notorious Hapsburg jaw, but a bit further south. Prince Ferdinand's member wasn't just big. It was bizarrely shaped. Contemporary accounts, possibly embellished by gossip, as the room as whizdler way around Spain,

and the court and beyond, described it like this. The princess member resembles nothing so much as a billiards queue, as thin as a stick of sealing wax at its base, and as thick as a man's fist at its extremity, and long enough to serve as a walking stick. I'm not doing it in Spanish. No, let's move on.

And while you might assume the princess package would be a source of pride, perhaps, even though it's very oddly shaped thin and then fat, no. Instead, it grew to become his deepest shame. Because back in the early 19th century, size did matter. It also must be really heavy. Yeah. Like, even just doing the other thing it's meant to do, like, to urinate, everything must just be difficult with this. And let's talk about male beauty. standards, because people took their inspiration at the time from the Greeks, and a smaller

member was actually considered refined and aristocratic, while those wrangling snakes below their belts were seen as monstrous devils. That's why all the statues have tiny weenies. Today, Ferdinand would most likely be raking it in on Onlyfans, but even then would he because it's not just, oh, I guess the more niche it goes, the more money people are willing to part with. Oh, God. But would women, women aren't paid to look at that?

Have you heard of gay men? Okay, I see. That bunch. I forgot about this. That's going to blow your mind. So yes, today maybe he'd be, you know, raking it in. But in those days, it was something to be kept very much buttoned up. Already a moody and mercurial prince,

Ferdinand's paranoia about his manhood didn't exactly help matters. Some reports claim Ferdinand were so deeply embarrassed that after a young page accidentally caught him changing, he exiled the poor boy and his entire family from Madrid. God! Court gossip and whispers made him feel inadequate, which he already felt since Godoy was ruling the roost while he practiced his Latin.

Even so, Ferdinand was still a prince, and princes have to find princesses to marry and have lots of little heirs with. But Ferdinand's unique physiology presented a bit of a bump in the road. As one royal physician wrote, His Royal Highness is afflicted with a member of such extraordinary dimensions and peculiar form that intimate relations may prove challenging. Yeah.

Still, Ferdinand's advisors were confident that they could find an eligible gal to put to that particular challenge, even if she didn't know it yet. And you would think that people were joking, wouldn't you? You would just think they were a dexterating. It's just, it just seems too crazy. And the advisors did deliver on the goods. The 17-year-old princess Maria Antonia of Naples, Ferdinand's first cousin, Natch, to whom he'd actually been betrothed since childhood,

so it wasn't like she was going anywhere. The teens married in a lavish ceremony in 1802, the kingdom rejoicing at their incesty union. But after the wedding, obviously comes the wedding night. And things only went downhill from there. According to Royal Staffers, the new queen was utterly horrified by the sight of her husband with his kit off and allegedly screamed monster. Oh, no. She'd seen the devil.

Maria, shush. Maria, that's how you build a serial killer. You're really not. You're not helping. I'm also like, who didn't prepare this poor girl? Like, even just visually for what was about to happen. I don't know. It didn't feel like anyone was trying to help her out here.

No, I think everyone was just very glad it wasn't them. Yes. But Maria Antonia hadn't seen anything yet. As it turned out, Ferdinand had absolutely no idea what to do with the monster between his legs. When they tried to get down to it, reportedly he just frondled her breasts a bit. And then he sat down to Bordaas Apitales or embroidered shoes in English. We thought that there was some sort of Spanish euphibism maybe for having a wank. I don't know.

But no. based on what we can find he actually did just embroider some shoes rather than Shagga's new wife. Oh dear. Maybe he thought that if he performed his kingly duties he could relax, but either way this rural wedding night

was an anti-climax in every possible sense. Almost a year after the wedding, the marriage was still officially unconsumated but they had loads of fucking embroidered shoes. Awkwardly, this even drew the attention of Ferdinand's mother-in-law, Maria Carolina of Austria, the big sister of the one and only Marie Antoinette.

She wrote several letters moaning about his various failings, calling him foolish, lying, debased, deceitful, and not even a husband in an animal sense. It got to the point where Ferdinand's confessor had to have a discreet word with him about the birds and the bees and what exactly was required to make royal babies. But I'm like everybody's acting like he doesn't know what to do. They've seen his bucking penis.

I felt like they need some help here, which they get, but it's not very helpful. So if Maria Antonia had felt shortchanged by their wedding night, she'd soon find herself, looking back on it fondly. Because once Ferdinand had learned the ropes, he developed quite the appetite for a very different type of needlework. And poor Antonia was about to find out the hard way. Over the next three years,

Ferdinand made multiple efforts to impregnate her, each of which was an utterly traumatic experience for the young queen. She actually did fall pregnant twice in 1804 and 1805, but both ended in miscarriages. Now, whilst not officially confirmed, it's believed that her husband's dangerously large equipment had damaged her internally, making it impossible to carry a childhood term.

and in 1806 Maria Antonia tragically died of tuberculosis at just 21 years old And here's where we get into slightly murky territory Some historians claim that around this time Ferdinand became a bit of a sex pest The widowed prince allegedly developed a habit of sneaking out of the palace after dark in a cloak

frequenting dodgy brothels in Madrid's less salubrious areas Flanked by a posse of his mates Ferdinand would brag of his many sexual conquests and challenge them to a penis-sized contest, which aren't surprising, he always won. That doesn't quite fit, though, does it, with the popular narrative of him being completely mortified by his endowment in court. So, I don't know how far I believe that. And also, his balance is going to be way off. How's he going to make it over the palace wall? He's got a pole vault.

I was going to make a pendulum joke. I have to stop. But perhaps, away from the shackles of propriety, and in Madrid's CD underworld, maybe just maybe, he turned his biggest weakness into an asset. And these stories do suggest that Ferdinand's obsession with sex was even darker than we thought. Some sources claim that he liked to collect rags from the bloody sheets of the virgins whose maidenhead he had taken, not always with consent, and keep them as grizzly trophies. And if that's true, we're pretty sure that the blood wasn't just come. coming from those women's virginities.

He was literally maiming them by operating that monstrosity without a license. According to these lurid tales, when his final wife discovered the evidence stashed in his chamber after his death, she ordered it to be burned to protect his legacy. It's all a bit bloodthirsty and vamporesque, and it may well just be urban legend. But true or not, there is absolutely no doubt that the future king of Spain was a total asshole.

epically so. And nowhere does that shine through more clearly than in Ferdinand's political endeavors, or should we say, fuck-ups. In 1807, he became embroiled in what was known as the Escarole conspiracy, a rebellious plot to oust his dad Charles IV from the Spanish throne. While Charles, and especially his wife, Maria Louisa, were absolutely Gaga for Godoy, the dictator who had secretly taken over,

let's just say the rest of the nation didn't quite share their devotion, including their son Ferdinand. As the de facto ruler of Spain, Godoy had drained the country's piggyback through wars with England that had been rattling on for over a decade. And Ferdinand had his own reasons for wanting Godoy out. He was a spoiled brat who hated his parents, especially his mum, and couldn't stand his wicked stepdad.

So when his sly tutor, a guy called Juan Escoquakis, coaxed him to reach out to the emperor, Napoleon over in France to see how he might get the ball rolling on replacing his old man, Ferdinand jumped at the chance. I never understand this, right? Being an old and timey royal, deformed mega dick or not, it's pretty cool. I don't understand why they're always like, no, but I want to do the actual ruling. I want to do the difficult bit.

I want to make all of the horrible decisions that affect people's lives. I'm just going to swan around the palace, actually. His dad definitely doesn't want to. And I wonder if Ferdinand was right or wrong in thinking this. I'm sure Godoy probably wouldn't have got rid of him because he needed that legitimacy of the actual bloodline of the monarchy to back up his dictatorship. But maybe Ferdinand thought that once my dad pops his clogs,

maybe Godoy's going to kill me and then make himself king or something. So he needs to get rid of him. I don't know. There's something there that he obviously sees as worth it. And maybe it's just like the fact that he doesn't like being told what to do by this guy. But he goes all the same to Napoleon. And in doing so, Ferdinand accidentally became the unexpected poster boy for one of Spain's largest political factions, the Liberals.

Quickly, explain, back then, Spain's political landscape was dominated by two groups. Liberals, people who wanted more of a democratic system with a weaker monarchy, and traditionalists who, surprise, wanted the exact opposite. By backstabbing Charles Ferdinand suddenly found, himself with a whole new fan club. The Liberals began calling him El Desiaro, the desired one, and cast him as a principled, idealistic alternative to his lazy father and the corrupt Godoy. As historian Richard Mayer Forsting puts it,

the myth of the innocent prince fighting the corrupt evil and court favorite was born. Ferdinand didn't actually have to do anything, the pamphlets wrote themselves. As it turned out, the Liberals' trust in him would be wildly misplaced. Unsurprisingly, cunning Godoy managed to spin the whole mess in his favour. Once he got wind of the plot, he spilled the beans to Charles, who was understandably pretty myth to discover that his boy had been scheming behind his back. Charles exposed Ferdinand as a traitor and threatened to make an example of him. So did Ferdinand use this opportunity to take a stand

and denounce his feckless father. No. Instead, he folded like a lawn chair and made a sniveling beg for forgiveness, promising never to do it again, as well as rassing out his co-conspirators who were swiftly exiled or imprisoned. Having got off Scott Free with just a slap on the wrist,

Ferdinand seemed to be back at his mum and dad's heel. But, unfortunately, for everyone involved, a much bigger problem was looming. Napoleon In early 1808 French troops began occupying Spain's major cities which Ferdinand reckoned was excellent news he was convinced his old power Napoleon

had arrived to help him overthrow his father and hand him the crown so while his parents and Godoy fled to Arnjou in a panic Ferdinand staged a coup that saw Godoy arrested and a cornered Charles agreeing to step down for him On the 24th of March, 1808, Ferdinand strutted into Madrid, all set to take up his throne.

But there was one teeny tiny problem. Napoleon had already promised it to his brother, Joseph. It's pretty awkward. Ferdinand threw a giant strop and refused to step aside, with riots breaking out in his name. But when Napoleon threatened Ferdinand with death, he won't be surprised to hear that this spying the snake immediately caved. He sheepishly renounced the throne and handed it back to his father who swiftly abdicated to Napoleon who then crowned Joseph I.

Ferdinand spent the next six years as a political prisoner in France. But before you start playing the world's tiniest violin for the world's biggest penis, this was the busiest exile that you can possibly imagine. He was living up in a grand chateau with staff and allowance and dance lessons. And what's more, he spent the whole time sucking up to Napoleon. and regularly saying that he wished the French emperor would adopt him as his son. Oh, my. Disgusting.

Meanwhile, back in Spain, rebels were dying in their thousands in a fight to restore their beloved re desiardo, the king that they believed was cruelly being held captive. Bernard Nand was far too busy eating grapes and Napoleon's butt to give a fucking shit about what Spain was doing. In 1814, Napoleon was finally defeated and Ferdinand was restored to the throne. But Spain wasn't the same place that he'd left behind.

During the war, a group of liberal politicians had drafted new legislation, 1812's Constitution of Cadiz, which limited royal power and introduced democratic reforms. And one of the conditions of Ferdinand's return was that he accepted, which he agreed to. But within weeks of being back on the throne, the ungrateful sod tore it up. Ferdinand declared the Constitution invalid, restored absolute monarchy, and meted out harsh punishments on the very people who had fought to bring him home. Overnight, El Re Desiato became El Reefelon, the traitor king. Needless to say, it wasn't exactly the smoother start to Ferdinand's reign.

In 1820, an army general named Rafael Derriago led a mutiny that forced Ferdinand to backtrack on the whole constitution thing. Thus followed three years of a liberal government where Ferdinand still technically sat on the throne but had nowhere near as much political power. Publicly he gritted his teeth and played along while privately he plotted revenge. In 1823 he called in the French military forces

to save his bacon and crush the government. Ferdinand was briefly taken captive but promised amnesty if they'd release him. Obviously he lied, however. Once free he ordered hundreds of his opponents to be imprisoned, exiled or executed, including De Riego, who was publicly hanged. Absolute monarchy was back, baby, and things were only going to get worse. This was the start of what became known as the ominous decade, the last 10 years of Ferdinand's regime.

He ruled like a paranoid despot because he was one, shutting down universities, censoring newspapers, ruthlessly persecuting his opponents and seeing conspiracy everywhere in his court. He sank Spain's finances through unnecessary domestic military campaigns, and impressively, he managed to piss off people on both sides of the political coin. The Liberals despised him for betraying them, whilst the traditionalists didn't trust him because he wasn't conservative enough, and they much preferred his younger brother Carlos. During Ferdinand's reign, Spain's once vast empire, basically crumbled.

By 1833, most of its colonies across Central and South America were in. leaving behind just a handful of overseas territories like Cuba and the Philippines. So with that, Ferdinand secured his place in History's Hall of Fame as the guy who inherited one of the biggest empires in the world and lost it. But despite the political shitstorm unfolding around him, Ferdinand was more bothered about getting his own ducks in a row at home. He needed an heir to secure his legacy, and he needed one fast. So in 1816 he married his 19-year-old niece Maria Isabella de Bruganza,

who apparently wasn't the best looker and didn't even come with a dowry. She got flat from the Spanish court for being ugly and poor and Portuguese. That's what I want my legacy to be. But at least it looked like she'd served her purpose because poor old Maria Isabella gave birth to a daughter in 1817. Tragically, though, the baby died at just five months old. I'm not surprised. Maria Isabella got pregnant again shortly after, but fell ill with severe complications

at around the seven-month mark. Ferdinand's priorities were clear. He ordered the physicians to get the baby out at any cost. The doctor sliced into Maria Isabella's belly in an 1800-style emergency C-section with no anesthetic or drugs, thinking that she was uncomfortable. conscious. But then she let out a blood-curdling scream. She had been awake the whole time. Marie Isabel died screaming. Tragically, the baby was already dead. So they'd carved her open for nothing. Now in his late 30s, Ferdinand had two dead wives and no heirs to his name. Things were getting

desperate. His advisors wasted no time finding him another noble bride, 16-year-old, Marie. Joesaphina Amalia of Saxony, who he married in 1819. She wasn't a bourbon, she was just his second cousin, which in this family tree was progress. She was a literal child, though, who'd been raised by nuns and had absolutely no idea what she was about to walk into. Fuck. And when Ferdinand entered her bedchamber naked on their wedding night, she grew hysterical, quite understandedly, and tried to run away.

According to gossip later recorded by famous French writer Prosper Marami the young queen was so terrified that she shot herself which at least put her lustible husband off her for the night Over the following weeks she refused to let Ferdinand anywhere near her despite him insisting that they needed to do it to have children deeply religious and naive she insisted that everyone knew babies came from storks and accuses and accused him of trying to trick her.

Oh, no. Maria. At a loose end, Ferdinand actually had to get Pope Pius the seventh involved. Obviously, like, in this period of history, the pop's a shagging. Like, there is not a celibate pope in this particular time in history. But being like, okay, I'm having sex problems. 0800, the Vatican. Like, it doesn't seem like the most natural progression when it comes to sex advice.

He's like, you've got to talk to her. She has not on board with this. And Pope Pius I. He wrote Maria Josefina a letter convincing her that sex was all right with God. And eventually she backed down. She had had a letter from the actual Pope. And she agreed to try,

but only if she could close her eyes and pray all the way through. Desperate for some action. Ferdinand agreed to let her do whatever she wanted. And their marriage actually lasted for a decade. But it did remain. totally childless. Historians believe that the size and shape of his deformed genitals made it difficult to do the deeds successfully.

I think that's putting it mildly. And even though she failed to produce an heir, Ferdinand was apparently devastated when Maria Josephia died from fever in 1829. Still, there was no time for tears. Ferdinand wasn't getting any younger, and his brother Carlos and some of his cousins were already starting to jostle about who would be next when he eventually popped his clogs. I mean, he's not making friends. No, no.

So his advisors found him a fourth wife, another niece, and another Maria, Maria, Christina, of Bourbonne to Sicilis, who he married in late 1829. Beautiful, intelligent, and a little bit older than his past brides at the age of 23. This Maria was well aware of the challenges at hand to sire an heir for Spain. And the court wasn't going to let the same mistake happen again in the royal bedroom. So this time they got creative. I was really hoping this bit was going to be left out.

Nah. Palace artisans crafted what they discreetly called a marital aid device. It was a silk pillow with a hole in the middle, which would support Ferdinand's behemoth genitals and allow just the business end to do its job without causing the Queen the internal injuries suspected to have plagued his other wives. And it worked. Maria Christina gave birth to a daughter,

Maria Isabel in October 1830. They even had one more for good measure in 1832, another girl, and another Maria named Maria Louisa. So Ferdinand finally had his heirs, but they were missing the appendage that had caused him a lifetime of grief, and they couldn't inherit the throne because of those pesky vaginas, which meant his brother Carlos was already warming up for his big moment. Maria Christina had other ideas

Sharp, ambitious and not about to hand over power to her brother-in-law she convinced Ferdinand to change the law instead Damn right, after everything she's been through to have those two fucking kids How did he not fucking think of that? He spent his whole political career trying to protect the divinity of his monarchy and he hadn't thought once, maybe. I'll just do this.

I'll just write a thing down on a piece of paper and then it happens because I'm the literal king. Oh my God. In secret, Ferdinand issued the pragmatic sanction that scrapped the old rules for inheritance. And despite Carlos' attempts to reverse it when Ferdinand died in 1833, it was set in stone. His eldest daughter rose to the throne at just three years old, becoming Isabella the second, Spain's first and only ruling queen. Thanks to her old man, Isabella inherited a total cluster fuck from the word. go. Backed by an army of traditionalists, her uncle Carlos challenged her claim in a brutal

series of conflicts known as the Carlist Wars, which dragged on four decades. She's only three, just become an advisor. And Isabella herself didn't exactly become a beloved ruler. Apparently having inherited her dad's sexual appetite, she was plagued by scandal and eventually ousted in 1868's so-called glorious revolution. So after all of Ferdinand's desperate efforts to secure the future of the Spanish Bourbons, it all went tits up anyway. The dynasty's long reign in Spain was effectively brought to a close, hastened along by what historians unanimously consider to be the worst king the country has ever seen. Historian Stanley G. Payne called him the basest king in Spanish history, cowardly, selfish, grasping, suspicious and vengeful.

while biographer Emilio Lepara declared him to be the worst of the monarchs of the Hasbergs and Bourbon dynasties and believe us there's some pretty stiff

competition from those guys so there you have it an enormous knob in all senses of the word and I did it we did it I made Hannah do it yeah I hope you're all as traumatised

as I am problem shared is a problem halved quite we hope you enjoyed it and we'll see you next time for another shorthand Bye.

Bye.