Relatable with Allie Beth Stuckey - Ep 1237 | Let Them? The Good, the Bad & the Buddhist

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Starting point is 00:00:46 That's fellowship homelones.com slash alley, term supply, see site for details, fellowship home loans, mortgage lending by the book, nationwide mortgage bankers, DBA Fellowship Home Loans, equal housing lender, NMLS, number 819382. The let them theory, this viral concept has been making its rounds, even in Christian culture. What is it? Is it good? Is it bad? Is it biblical?

Starting point is 00:01:13 We've got all of that. And more on today's episode of Relatable is brought to you by our friends at Good Ranchers. Go to Good Ranchers.com. Use Go to Go to Alley. Check out. That's good ranchers.com. Code Allie. Hey guys.

Starting point is 00:01:34 Welcome to Relatable. Happy Monday. Actually, no, it's not Monday. It is Wednesday. It feels like Monday because of Labor Day weekend. I hope everyone had a wonderful Labor Day weekend and that you are having a lovely week. I just want to say before we get started that this is the, I guess, the last time that you will see producer Bree on the podcast. Unless we have her as some kind of correspondent for, I don't know, live real looking baby conferences.

Starting point is 00:02:07 because she could still feed us that kind of content. But we wish producer, breathe the best. So please send an encouraging comments. Please pray for her as she transitions into this new role. It was also just her birthday on Monday, right, yesterday? Yeah. Yeah, I couldn't even remember when that was that I texted you, happy birthday.

Starting point is 00:02:31 But so please wish her happy birthday and wish her well in her new endeavor. How are you feeling in this new year of life and in this new era that you're about to enter? I'm feeling solidly in my 30s now. You're 31. 31. Yeah. Yeah, I feel good. I feel ready.

Starting point is 00:02:51 Lots of changes are happening. Lots of change. It's bittersweet, but I'm ready for what's next. Okay. Just for the record, I did get an ad yesterday on YouTube for Reborn Baby Dolls. Oh, no. They've targeted you. So it's going to follow me.

Starting point is 00:03:05 Before we know it, because she's going to lose the identity and purpose that relatable has given her, she is going to devolve into a real-looking, yes, baby collector. What a new, reborn. That's what they're called, which is in itself just kind of like weirdly theological and disturbing. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. What's the note that you want to end on here? Is there anything that you want to say to us and to everyone as you.

Starting point is 00:03:35 make your bow. Oh my gosh so much pressure. Um no just thanks. Thanks for being so kind to me. So many of you are so sweet and I'm so thankful for that. Um, I yeah, I feel like any other show I'd be a little bit scared of the audience, but not this one. So it's just been really sweet, a good time. And thank you, Allie, for letting me get to know people who are in your audience. I appreciate that. So, well, we're grateful to breathe for everything. Um, we are still, we are looking for someone to take Brie's place, which will not be easy to find. We've gotten some good candidates, so thank you to those who have applied, but it is still open. There are a couple different ways to apply, but you can send your application to relatable messages at gmail.com.

Starting point is 00:04:24 This is a full-time in-person position, and I just want to say a couple things, so we can go ahead and start sifting through the candidates before you even apply. Number one, we are looking for someone with five plus years of producing experience. It's great if that's in podcasting. If it's not in podcasting, if it's in something similar, that's okay. We are looking for someone who shares this show's values that knows the show, that knows this brand, that knows this audience very well. And we are looking for someone who,

Starting point is 00:05:01 who is very serious about this position. I think some people get the advice out there. Oh, just apply. Just throw your hat in the ring. It's a good connection. It's a good foot in the door. I promise it is not that if you are applying for a job that you're not really serious about potentially taking, then you are wasting the team's time. You are wasting the time of the hiring manager. You are wasting the time of the person who is hoping to fill that position that is not going to leave a good impression. So I'm just saying that for any of you ever applying for jobs out there. I think Gen Z might be, I don't know, getting some advice on just applying to apply. Please don't do that. Only apply to jobs that you really think that you want and that you are

Starting point is 00:05:47 serious about. So you're not wasting your time or anyone else's time. All right. Let's get into what this episode is actually about today. It is about the let them theory, what it is, why it's relevant, how Christians should be thinking about this. So let me just set it up. What is it in short? And then we'll dive into its roots, what the background is, and why we are even talking about this today. So the let them theory is a mindset theory that encourages people to stop trying to control

Starting point is 00:06:18 others. So when met with disappointment in someone's words, attitudes or behaviors, instead of trying to change them or control them, you just let them. You allow them to say and think and feel and do what they want to do. So this is about no longer expending energy, trying to manage everyone in your life into being what you want or what you think you need them to be. And this theory has been popularized over the past couple of years by a motivational speaker, podcaster, author named Mel Robbins. she released this book, The Let Them Theory, in December of 2024.

Starting point is 00:06:59 So just a few months ago. And since then, it has sold over 6 million copies, which all is insane. She posted a reel before she wrote the book about the Let Them Theory in May of 2023. That reel has amassed millions and millions of views. And here she is kind of introducing this concept to her audience, Sot one. I just heard about this thing called the let them theory. I freaking love this.

Starting point is 00:07:28 If your friends are not inviting you out to brunch this weekend, let them. If the person that you're really attracted to is not interested in a commitment, let them. If your kids do not want to get up and go to that thing with you this week, let them. So much time and energy is wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations. And the truth is, if somebody, especially somebody you're dating or who's a friend or somebody you're trying to partner with in business, if they are not showing up how you need them to show up, do not try to force them to change. Let them be themselves because they are revealing who they are to you. Just let them. And then you get to choose what you do next.

Starting point is 00:08:16 Okay, so this resonated with a lot of people. And seeing that this resonated with so many people, Mel Robbins published a podcast episode on this theory a couple weeks later. And then that podcast episode just blew up. It was the sixth most shared podcast episode in the world that year, which is also crazy. Mel Robbins in her book obviously have massive appeal. And no matter how you feel about it, no matter what your knee-jerk reaction is to it, It is an indicator of who we are collectively where we are as a culture right now. Now, in some ways, it is the same old, same old message that we've heard.

Starting point is 00:08:58 Focus on yourself. Help yourself. Help yourself. We'll talk in depth about this in just a little bit. And this message, as you guys know, has been packaged. It's been repackaged for decades. 20 years ago, it was your best life now by Joel Osteen 10 years ago. It was Lean in by Cheryl Sandberg.

Starting point is 00:09:16 a few years ago, it was Girl Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis, and now it is Let Them. Now, each of these books do have truths in them, including this book, the Let Them Theory. But as Christians, we have a responsibility to discern. Now, this word discern. I looked into the etymology of this word. We get this word from the Latin word discerneri, or disenere, I guess. I'm not sure exactly how to pronounce that last either. which means to separate or to sift apart.

Starting point is 00:09:50 Now, if you think about this word sift, the word comes from Old English and it means to pass something through a sieve or a fine mesh sleeve, like a strainer to keep what you want to keep, let go of the things that you want to let go of. So for the Christian, this strainer, this sieve for every idea, concept and philosophy is the word of God, which is our only inerrant, infallible God-breathed written authority that we have. So to discern means that we're not just seeing two options and choosing the right one over the wrong one, although that is part of our responsibility. But really, this is about carefully separating the good from the bad and the good from the best.

Starting point is 00:10:36 It is about distinguishing between worldly right and biblical right, between what sounds good in what is good between worldly wisdom and godly wisdom. Now, when we do this, there are people, even other professing Christians, who will mock you for questioning popular theories. They'll wag their fingers at you, for, say, questioning whether empathy should be our highest virtue, or if self-love is really required to love other people well, or whether Taylor Swift is really a positive role model for women, etc. they'll call you a Pharisee, a fundamentalist, judgmental. They'll say all of these things have changed their lives and how dare you question it at all? And while we do, as Christians, have to be careful not to become self-righteous, we should never be shamed out of being discerning.

Starting point is 00:11:29 Ephesians 5, 6 through 10 says this, let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things, the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore, do not become partners with them for at one time you were darkness but now you are light in the Lord walk as children of light for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true and try to discern try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord now remember a couple things about how Satan works and this is not me calling this entire theory satanic I'll get into the good and the bad and the ugly this is me just reminded us of the importance of discernment. So a couple things about Satan. One, Satan disguises himself as an angel of light. Wow, how deceiving. Second Corinthians 1114 says that. And then he also

Starting point is 00:12:22 uses half-truths to relay a whole lie. He did this in the garden. Did God really say? He did this with Jesus himself in the wilderness using God's word to try to persuade Jesus to give into temptation. So don't ever stop testing popular mantras and ideas that the world offers you even when you feel like you are the only one. And the good news is you're not the only one. There are thousands and thousands of Christians who not only listen to this podcast, but are weighing what they hear and what they think against the Word of God. And, y'all, thousands of those women are coming to share the arrows on October 11th. y'all it is only about a month away it's a little over a month away i am so excited like i'm just i've got the anticipation growing all the memories from last year coming back the how it felt

Starting point is 00:13:16 that day to walk into the venue to see all of you to worship alongside you like i have to look into a camera every time i do this podcast and while i do my best to picture my audience like in the carpool line or doing dishes or going on a walk with your kids. Like sometimes it can be hard to feel connected to you on a day-to-day basis. So what a blessing it is just to get to sit and learn and encourage with all of you. And that's what you're going to get at Share of the Arrows. We are going to get true discernment. We are going to be edified.

Starting point is 00:13:54 You are going to be refreshed. You are going to be reminded that you are not alone. You are going to make lifelong friendships. Y'all, I love the messages that I got last year. One of the messages said I walked out of there with zero fear of man. Candice Cameron Burey just posted about Share the Arrows. She spoke last year and she said, look, this conference is not for the faint of heart. And that's true.

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Starting point is 00:14:42 And that'll take 15% off your ticket price. So for example, you could use Hillary 15. That'll take 15% off. Come join us. We've got VIP options as well if you're interested in our VIP dinner and meeting some of the speakers. Just go to share the arrows.com. It's brought to you by our friends at Every Life this year.

Starting point is 00:15:03 Go to share the arrows.com. And before we get into the rest of our episode, let me tell you about seven weeks coffee. Seven weeks coffee will also be at Share the Arrows. They will be supplying our caffeine for the morning, which I'm so pumped about, because I genuinely love the taste of seven weeks coffee. We enjoy it so much in our home. It is organic. It is clean.

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Starting point is 00:16:47 We love all of our sponsors. It's how you get to listen to and watch this show for free. And plus, I know that you guys love hearing about how to support Christian and values aligned companies. All right. let's get back into this. Let's talk about who Mel Robbins is. She is an author. She is a podcaster. She is a motivational speaker. She's a former lawyer and a legal analyst. She faced unemployment and debt in 2008. She calls this her rock bottom. And then she really wanted to speak. And so she was posting things on

Starting point is 00:17:24 social media. She created this productivity theory or tool called the five second rule. It basically involves counting and then doing the thing that you don't want to do. And this kind of launched her self-help career. She did a 2011 TEDx talk and that has amassed like 20 million YouTube views or already had by 2019. So she had a name for herself. She was going on the podcast circuit. She was speaking.

Starting point is 00:17:52 Her background, her worldview is informed by spiritualism and also Buddhism. She says this. I am a deeply spiritual person, and my husband is a Buddhist, but I still love going to church like I did with my parents when I was young. And she visited a church service on Easter a couple years ago. She says, that day I was reminded that every one of us will experience many small deaths in our lifetime, job, friendship, et cetera. When times get dark, always remember at some point that the boulder in front of you, wow, she's really using this resurrection imagery here. The boulder in front of you will be gone and the light will shine back in. You will rise into a new version of yourself.

Starting point is 00:18:35 Life is an ever-ending, never-ending cycle of small deaths and experiences of rebirth. No matter where you are in that cycle, have faith that loving goodness are coming soon. Here's that too. The story of Easter is reminding you that every time you feel like a part of you is dying, you need to hold hope and belief and faith. that better days are coming, that goodness, that love, that light will emerge, and that you will be reborn anew. I just love that because it's so true.

Starting point is 00:19:11 No matter how dark it is, keep going. Okay, so to her, and this is very common among even people who call themselves Christians, but progressive Christians, and that is this belief that the resurrection is a metaphor. They see Jesus as either a moral teacher or even an archetype that we should aspire to, but they don't see him as Savior. They certainly don't see him as an authority. They don't see him as God himself. They don't see his resurrection as something that literally happened bodily that is a miracle that confirms his divinity and confirms his power. They don't think of it as this is true resurrection hope for those who believe in Jesus,

Starting point is 00:19:57 that one day we will too be resurrected and that we get to spend eternity with him by grace through faith in him. They're not believing in the gospel. They are all, and self-help gurus think this way. They are looking to spiritual principles and how can we kind of take them from their original form and turn them into something that is practical and helpful for me right now? And that might sound like, an okay interpretation and application of scripture. But when you strip scripture and the gospel story of its real meaning and real purpose, when you reduce Jesus to just an archetype or kind of a mascot, like some superhero, fictional superhero that you can look to, then you rob the gospel of its power and you can't allow it to work in your life, which of course would be a lot

Starting point is 00:20:56 more miraculous than you getting your you know what together because you use the resurrection as a metaphor. So she uses Buddhism to kind of inform her beliefs about the let them theory and what it means and how we should apply it. And before we get into a little bit more about Buddhism, I just want to read you this analysis about the let them theory from psychology today. At its core, the let them theory is grounded in the psychological locus of control theory developed by Julian B. Rodder in the 1950s. The locus of control attribution theory distinguishes between external internal perceptions of control. And then she goes on, the psychologist for psychology today goes on to say the let them theory intersects significantly with Buddhist

Starting point is 00:21:48 principles, particularly the concept of non-attachment, which emphasizes letting go of the desire to control outcomes as a path to inner peace. Additionally, it touches on attachment theory in psychology, which shows how those with anxious attachment styles may seek control to secure emotional safety. The Let Them Theory offers a liberating alternative, promoting security through acceptance and detachment, embodying the Toltec wisdom of letting go with love and without fear Toltec is ancient pagan culture. A philosophy that teaches the release of attachment to foster emotional and spiritual freedom. Now, Buddhism, there's a lot that we could get into with Buddhism. Buddhism is obviously Eastern mysticism. There's an emphasis on emptying the mind.

Starting point is 00:22:41 There is an emphasis on solitude and silence and avoidance of all conflict. Now, it manifests itself in a variety of ways. And it contradicts Christianity, of course, because there's like a graven image of this Buddha guy that people bow down to. But also in Christianity, we see an emphasis on community. We see an emphasis on meditating richly on scripture, not emptying the mind, which actually makes you vulnerable to all kinds of lies and Satan's voice. And so Buddhism and Christianity diverge in many, many ways, of course, the biggest one being that it is a false religion, that it is idolatry, but it has become vogue over the past several years, probably several decades in the West, for even professing Christian leaders to say, oh, let's just abandon Western ways of thinking

Starting point is 00:23:37 and how we interpret Christianity and religion today is just westernized, it's just white, and we've glorified these Eastern mystical ways of living and thinking because we think that it's closer to Jesus. It's very, very strange, but it's pagan. It's pagan. And there's a reason why Eastern cultures are the way that they are because they are heavily emphasized or heavily influenced by paganism. Now, what's interesting about the Let Them theory is that it draws upon Buddhism. It draws upon these ancient philosophies. Mel Robbins says that she relies on ancient ways of thinking, therapeutic modalities, major world religions such as stoicism and other spiritual practices. But what is intriguing is that there are no references to any Bible verses

Starting point is 00:24:29 in the book that we caught in our research. So the most popular, most influential religious worldview out there, especially in the West where she lives, like no drawing from that whatsoever. The only religious teaching that we saw included, like truly religious, not just a philosophy, is Buddhism. So she writes this, Buddhism and radical acceptance teach that suffering comes from resisting reality. The pain we feel often stems from wishing things were different than they were. The let them theory helps you not only accept reality, but also separate yourself from the need to change it. You acknowledge that others' actions and choices are not yours to control. in doing so, you reclaim your emotional freedom.

Starting point is 00:25:17 This is radical acceptance in its most empowering form. And for the Christian, like we're going to get into this more, but we should stop right there. Suffering comes from resisting reality. Certainly resisting reality can cause suffering, but sometimes it is the reality that is causing suffering. And suffering is not always something to avoid in the Christian life. It is something to be sanctified through. It is something to actually accept with the help of Christ.

Starting point is 00:25:45 and it might not have anything to do with your mindset or your locus of control. So right there, we should already be seeing things that make us go, huh, is that really true? Or does it just sound kind of true? Now, there is some controversy about where this idea actually comes from. Does it really originate from Mel Robbins or should someone else be getting the credit? And I think that's relevant as we analyze the validity of this theory. But let me pause, tell you about our next sponsor. It's Adele Natural Cosmetics.

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Starting point is 00:27:32 And she told the New York Post this year that she posted a poem called Let Them on Facebook in 2022. She says she wrote this poem that it went viral at the time. and she also posted a photo of the phrase, let them tattooed on her forearm, okay? She now alleges that Mel Robbins took her concept and hasn't given her credit. So let me just read you a few lines of this poem. So this is by Cassie Phillips.

Starting point is 00:28:04 She posted it on Facebook a few years ago. Just let them. If they want to choose something or someone over you, let them. If they want to go weeks without talking to you, let them, et cetera. Let them lose you. You are never theirs because you are always your own. So let them. Let them show you who they truly are, not tell you.

Starting point is 00:28:23 Let them prove how worthy they are of your time. Let them make the necessary steps to be a part of your life. Let them earn your forgiveness. Let them call you to talk about ordinary things. Let them talk about anything and everything just because it's you. They are talking to you. Let them have a safe place in you. Let them see the heart in you that didn't heart.

Starting point is 00:28:43 And let them love you. So different kinds of let them. Like if they want to reject you, let them. If they want to love you, let them. And obviously, again, I don't agree with all of the concepts interwoven in here. That's not the point. The point is that this theory, almost in its entirety, was clearly articulated by someone, apparently, in 2022.

Starting point is 00:29:06 And she claims that she was kind of the person that put this out there and that Mel Robbins must have seen it, which of course we don't know. and then decided to run with it without giving her any credit. So Cassie Phillips posted on one of Mel Robbins's posts a while ago saying it was inspired by a tattoo, my tattoo, and my words. That is where the theory originated and where it went viral. You haven't been crediting. She also says that she reached out to Mel Robbins in 2003.

Starting point is 00:29:42 So this would have been before the book came out. but when Mel Robbins was talking about it, actually very quickly after she first started talking about it on Instagram and on her podcast, just a few days after that, Cassie says that she messaged her this. I know you're receiving many messages. I wanted to touch up on your let them theory.

Starting point is 00:29:59 That phrase began before with Medea. I, however, am the originator of the theory and the mantra that went viral beginning, the tattoo and the poems spreading. And then she says her name. She's very kind in the message. The quotes and the theory came afterwards in my post that went viral. Again, thank you for sharing my theory and going into detail about how it works for you. So it sounds to me, if we are to take this person's words as truth, it sounds to me like she just wanted some credit.

Starting point is 00:30:31 I don't know that she necessarily faults Mel Robbins for being savvy and for having an amazing platform and for expounding upon her theory. in some ways all ideas or most ideas originated from someone else and people are adding on to them. But using that phrase verbatim, I'm sure hurt. And she probably just wanted some credit for it. But Robbins, when confronted with this accusation, told the New York Post that she didn't take the idea from this woman, Cassie Phillips. She said, my book is not about two words. I built an entire theory citing the work of over 50 world renowned experts in turn to. it into a tool to help you improve your life. So I don't think that she is arguing that she originated the words or that she originated the idea. But she is saying, look, I did all of these other things and that's why people are paying me the big bucks. Those are my words. Robbins reiterated. People can obsess over

Starting point is 00:31:29 any detail, but the facts are simple. I have not seen her poem. I have not read her poem. And it was not and will never be the source of inspiration for my book. This is nonsense. She said, I've spent 10 years. is shining a light on other people's work. So the allegation that I would steal someone else's work is really because as I write in the let them theory, you cannot control what people say, do, or feel, or choose to make up about you. All right. Okay.

Starting point is 00:31:55 What I would probably say to that is that it is possible. If we are to give her the benefit of the doubt, it is certainly possible that she saw that idea circularly and she had no idea where it came from. She didn't know that it came from a viral poem. she just saw it out there and she said wow i'm going to expound upon that i'm going to start applying that to my life and um you know she didn't she didn't know that it came from this cassie phillips person or she didn't know how pervasive that was and that's fine although i do think that when you start digging into an idea you it would be hard not to come across something

Starting point is 00:32:31 with that exact phraseology that had already gone viral but again maybe she just didn't know Maybe she didn't know where it started from, perhaps. Now, she claims that she got this epiphany. She says that she got this idea very organically from her daughter on her son's prom night. That she was trying to control everything. She couldn't control everything. And so this is where she had her aha moment. Soft five.

Starting point is 00:33:01 Never in a million years did I think I would be telling you that my life changed at a high school prom. I can't believe this is where it happened. happened, but I was at a high school prom. I discovered something at a high school prom that changed my life. I just heard about this thing called the let them theory. The high school prom that she's claimed as the original epiphany moment for her discovery happened a day after she told us that she had just learned about the theory. Okay, so that commentary right there was someone named Andy Mort. He's a YouTuber. You really have to watch that, by the way, to understand what's going.

Starting point is 00:33:37 on in that moment and what people are trying to say. They're trying to say the dates are off. You can see them highlighted if you're watching on Spotify or on YouTube. So there are some questions about when this happened, how this happened, where she really got it from. What is not in question is the power of her platform and her effectiveness in communicating this idea, whoever actually started this idea. So she believes, she says that the theory strikes in. nerve because controlling behavior is a common struggle that is driven by our anxiety or a need for certainty. And she is saying when you catch yourself doing it, you are fighting against the current drop the oars and the boat naturally just floats downstream. Robbins names three situations where

Starting point is 00:34:25 the let them theory should not apply when someone is doing something dangerous like driving drunk or when you need to advocate for yourself, negotiate into salary, or when someone repeatedly crosses your boundaries. So if you're in a situation where you need to ask for what you need or advocate for yourself, do not let somebody just decide those things. She says. Here she assumes that if you have set healthy boundaries, that you have set healthy boundaries and doesn't actually teach you how to set them or enforce them, but she's just saying people have violated your boundaries. You can't let them do that or you have to remove yourself from that situation. She also says that there are three ways to apply the let them theory. And you know what? I'm going to go ahead and

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Starting point is 00:36:03 about any of that when you're trying to feed your family in a healthy way. So just go to good ranchers.com. Use code Allie. You'll get $40 off plus free meat for life when you start a new subscription. So they'll do a free add-on to your box every month when you subscribe. Good Ranchers.com slash Alley code Alley. Okay, so three ways to apply the Let Them Theory. Use the theory to detach from emotional struggles that are caused by others' actions

Starting point is 00:36:35 or unmet expectations, allow others to face consequences to grow and take responsibility. So Robbins shares an example of a school policy not to bring forgotten lunches stating if they forget their lunch, let them. It's in the consequence of not doing something that you learn that this is important to you. Sorry. I'm just imagining letting your kindergarten or like starve or like not get lunch. Just let them. Let them starve because they forgot their lunch one day.

Starting point is 00:37:04 you'll learn. You'll learn, little girl, not to forget your lunch. You'll go hungry. That just sounds extreme to me. Sounds extreme. But she says, also stop trying to change others to fit your vision of their potential. Robin's notes, we all make the mistake of getting into relationships with the potential. And when you focus on someone's potential, you're not letting them be themselves. She also explains that jealousy is a form of control, often rooted in the feet. of not being loved. I would pretty much agree with that. She advises using the let them theory to let partners or friends engage in activities that make them happy like spending time with others. She says, if you want more love, which is why you're jealous, then let them do what they're

Starting point is 00:37:50 going to do. You're showing them that you love them as they are. Okay. She also provides three tools to apply the theory. She says, you should ask, what am I afraid of to identify the root of your controlling behavior. Ask what business am I in to focus on your own actions and feelings rather than others. Ask what feels more like peace to choose actions that align with emotional calm over control. She also says that there's another part of the let them theory and that is let me and that's an important part of this detachment from trying to control others and instead shifting your energy towards being able to control what you can control. Here's that three.

Starting point is 00:38:35 Let me is the most important part because let me is when you remind yourself, let me remind myself that I always have power. Let me remind myself that my thoughts are in my control, my actions are in my control, how I process my feelings are in my control. Let me remind myself that no matter what's happening out there, I get to choose what's worth my time. I get to choose what's worth my energy.

Starting point is 00:38:59 Okay. I think that we can agree. that there is some truth to what she just said there. Now, she also emphasizes within this part of the let them theory that it's all about self-love, which of course is not novel. That's what we've been hearing for years, especially from all these female influencers. And they act like this is the most radical, empowering novel idea that, wow, you should just think about yourself and love yourself more. Here's up for.

Starting point is 00:39:26 The truth is, everything you're looking for starts with you. Let me prioritize my own happiness. Let me pursue my dreams with passion. Let me stop boundaries that protect my peace. Let me choose relationships that uplift and inspire me. Let me love myself enough to walk away when it just no longer works. Love doesn't require you to wait for the right partner or the right friend or the right opportunity to come along. It's about recognizing that you are the source of your own happiness, your own fulfillment, and your own joy.

Starting point is 00:40:00 And when you truly embrace that, everything else falls into place, you are the love of your life. You are not the source of your own happiness. How you feel about yourself is incredibly fickle. It changes depending on how you slept last night, what you ate that morning, what people are saying on the internet that day, what time of the month it is. If you rely on yourself for your own happiness, you are. are going to not only be exhausted, but ironically, you're also going to be very sad. Because what have we said for years now? What did I write about in my first book? The self

Starting point is 00:40:40 can't be both the problem and the solution. If inside yourself you are finding anxiety and doubt and all of these very real feelings of depression and inadequacy, you are not going to find the solution to those things in the same place that you are finding your problems. See, Mel Robbins is not offering anything new. It is just a repackaged version of self-love, self-help slop that leads women into this world of like dopamine. Finally, I have this thing. I have this system. I have this process. I have this phrase that's going to make me happy. That's going to make me release all my fears. And I'm finally going to find that satisfaction, that success, that true love that I've been longing for and they go on this hamster wheel of self-empowerment only to find that it leads them

Starting point is 00:41:34 nowhere. It leads them to a dead end. Self-love will not satisfy you. And the fact of the matter is, is that life does not allow you to disentangle yourself from hardship at all times. Life does not allow you to always prioritize your own happiness. Because you know what? Sometimes it's not your happiness that matters. Sometimes you are not the thing or the person that matters at all in a situation. I can think of a lot of relationships and a lot of obligations and a lot of situations where what is being called for is your complete and total self-denial, not your self-empowerment. And so I understand why Mel Robbins is so popular because people are always thinking, okay, maybe this is, this is the way that I can idolize myself.

Starting point is 00:42:26 This is the way that I can be my own happiness. This is the way I can finally be my own God. I mean, this has been the human propensity since the Garden of Eden. And yet, I promise you will end up that, if what she just said is the guiding mantra of your life, you will end up very sad and very lonely and very unfulfilled. Now, she is going to be very rich, but you will be very impoverished when it comes to the satisfaction and fulfillment that you are seeking in your life. Now, there are people out there already saying this, that, hey, I tried this and this doesn't work. I tried the let them theory and it is, you know, it's not working for me.

Starting point is 00:43:18 Here is a TikTok user who shared her disagreement about this let them theory. Here's not six. I'm coming on here to say that I disagree with the Mel Robbins let them theory. She's like, your friends go out to dinner and leave you out, let them. Your boyfriend doesn't buy flowers when you want them to. Let them. My friend's leaving me out at dinner, I'm going to be like, guys, why do you leave me out? Boyfriend's not buying you flowers?

Starting point is 00:43:43 See ya. Let them know. Don't let them. Don't let someone treat you like that. Stick up for yourself. Like no shade. How about don't let them? I think probably just to give Mel Robbins's theory a little bit of advocacy here.

Starting point is 00:44:04 I think the devil's advocate position would be, well, sure, you can stick up for yourself or you can confront someone, but you have to release yourself from expending all of your energy and trying to change what they think or what they do. you can't change. You can tell them your feelings and you can confront them about it. But at the end of the day, don't spend all of your energy trying to change that person. If you want to break up with your boyfriend, break up with them. If you want to confront your friends, confront them, but don't waste your time trying to change them or control them because you can't do that. So I'm just against that TikTok, I'm kind of defending the truth of the let them theory or what it actually is arguing. Now, here's another one, SOT 7. I already know those patterns and those behaviors are unhealthy. I know that. That is why I'm coming here to read the book. I need you to

Starting point is 00:44:53 help me because I am expecting you to have done research on what strategies exist so that I change those unhealthy behaviors. Books like the Let Them Theory assume that their audience is not intelligent. But if they feed them these very aspirational big picture word, they're less than intelligent audience will receive it and think the absolute world. And that gets down to a lot of people's problem with the let them theory, even just from a secular practical perspective. You can see this in a lot of the comments. People are like, okay, I lost my friends because I let them or this happened with my employee or my boss because I let them, now what? Or hey, I let them leave me out, but now I'm really lonely. What do I do with this lonely?

Starting point is 00:45:44 And I think that is a big deficit with this theory. And again, we'll get into a little bit more about the goods and the bads and the biblical and the unbiblical in a second. But people are already starting to feel, okay, this might be like a stop gap. Saying let them in your mind when someone won't do what you want them to do might be able to get you through that moment without getting anxious, but the problem still needs to be solved. And the emotion, still needs to be addressed. And now maybe your life is in shambles because you let these people and these problems run amok and all you did was release them without thinking, okay, but how do I wisely navigate this? And so as people are realizing, okay, well, what's the, what is the solution to all of this? Then we'll get into that in just a second because thankfully we do have the answers. My next sponsor is Every Life. Y'all, I love Every Life. They are the pro life diaper company. use their diapers and wipes in our home, love them so much. They use their resources to donate to pregnancy centers to make sure that pregnant moms in crisis are well taken care of, that their

Starting point is 00:46:54 babies are loved and well-resourced, but they don't just make diapers and wipes. They make lots of awesome products, and they just came out this new product, this belt bag. It's waterproof premium nylon. There's a spacious interior. It's got multiple pockets. Like you can put their travel wipes in and they just came out with these travel wipes that are super handy and convenient. You can fit those in there. You could probably fit a couple diapers in there. Reimfor stitching for everyday wear, adjustable strap. There's the logo. It's all made in the U.S. They sent me one. Love it so much. They've got pink. They've got oat milk. They've got camel. They've got midnight. All different kinds of colors and style. So check it out. If you're a busy mom on the go, you're looking for an extra place to

Starting point is 00:47:37 put your phone, to put your keys that you can easily access. You don't have to go to the bottom of your diaper bag. Then get this belt bag. Go to every life. That's everylife.com. Use code Alley 10 for 10% off your first order. That's everylife.com code Alley 10. So Melissa Doherty, a guest that we've had on the show before, she did a review of the Let Them Theory. And she points out some really sound critiques, I think. She says that the book was endorsed by Oprah Winfrey. So that's a point against it in the Christian worldview because Oprah Winfrey teaches and promotes new thought. Now, if you want to know what new thought is, you can read Melissa's book, you can go back to the episode that we did with Melissa. We will link it in the description of this

Starting point is 00:48:27 episode. And new thought emphasizes the power of positive thinking, the beliefs that individuals possess some kind of inner divinity often described as Christ consciousness. And this is not worshiping Jesus Christ. This is again, seeing Jesus is some kind of archetype in that we can actually kind of like become Jesus, that inside we have these inner goddesses. This is what I wrote about and you're not enough and that's okay. That inside we have these inner goddesses that are just waiting to be released. And right now they're held back by other people's expectations by society's arbitrary designations and structures by our own negative thoughts. And once we finally love ourselves and see ourselves as we really are these powerful,

Starting point is 00:49:16 then this inner divine spark will be unleashed and will finally be satisfied and will be unstoppable. This is the narrative that is being packaged and repackaged for women over and over again. And Oprah, of course she believes this. She's hugely successful. And that's a theme. For a lot of these people, they believe that their theories have credibility because they're rich and because they've sold a lot of books.

Starting point is 00:49:43 But Jesus tells us that richness, that wealth is not necessarily an indication of God's favor or that you're credible or that you're righteous, that people should be listening to you at all. Of course, everything we have can be is a gift from God, but we also read that it is harder for a rich person to enter the kingdom of heaven than it is for a camel to go through the eye of a needle. Now, with God, all things are possible, but we know that wealth can actually be an inhibitor rather than an indication of God's favor. So that's just an aside there. Also, Melissa Doherty points out that the book's self-focused advice prioritizes personal happiness over objective morality. She cites this page,

Starting point is 00:50:29 124. Your job and responsibility is to live your life in a way that is aligned with your values and what you know deep down is true for you. So completely arbitrary. He doesn't give people any direction whatsoever who are like, wait, what is right? What is virtue? you. What is good? What kind of standards should I be aspiring to? What kind of prism should I use to discern the correct decision to make? And so I think that this is almost used, the let them, is almost used as like an incantation to remind yourself of some magical power to make you let go of these things that you can't control. And that can actually work temporarily. I think it can work. And it's superficial sense. So like the truth about the let them theory, here's the truth. This is now

Starting point is 00:51:20 my perspective. The truth is that you can't control other people. That is true. Their words, their habits, their behaviors, since you can't control other people, you should stop spending your energy frustrated by them, anxious about them, trying to fix them or change them. Your friend no longer wants to be friends with you because of your politics, let them. Your spouse doesn't load the dishwasher right? Let them. Your child doesn't want to play soccer this season. Let them. You should release control. You should stop being anxious. You should stop complaining, stop grumbling, stop comparing. But here's my caveat to all of these things. Some things you cannot allow. Sometimes healthy confrontation is necessary. And of course, I think,

Starting point is 00:52:09 I think Mel Robbins would agree with this part. You always protect yourself and others from physical harm, but you shouldn't carry the emotional weight this theory would say of trying to fix them. And here's the thing is that the pain of letting people do wrong or not meet your very fair and justified expectations is real. And the consequences of letting them can be real. And obviously there are just some very specific context in which you cannot allow people. to do things. Like you cannot allow your children, you can't just let your children do things. I mean, there are many instances in motherhood where you can't just let them, that you actually have to

Starting point is 00:52:52 prevent some things from happening. So it might be more accurate to say, let the little things go, let what you can't control go, but there are some things that you have to take authority over that involve other people. So what do we do with that? What do we do with our very real feelings that come with the consequence of letting them? How do we handle real harm caused? Now, the answer from the let them theory is yourself. So the lies that we see from the let them theory is that the goal is the self. Self fulfillment, self power, self-reliance, self-help, self-discovery, self-focus.

Starting point is 00:53:36 She says, when you love yourself, you glow for, from the inside. You attract people who love, respect, and appreciate your energy. Everything starts with how you feel about yourself. Now, before we even get into scripture, ask yourself if that's true. The people who focus the most on themselves and how they feel and how everything is affecting them. Are those the happiest people you know? Are those the most confident and glowing people that you know, are those the most stable people that you know? Or very often, are those the most insecure and bitter and unstable people that you know because they are so very concerned about their own feelings and about their own happiness. Now let's get into the

Starting point is 00:54:24 most important thing here, what the Bible has to say. But let me pause, tell you about our last sponsor before we get into that. And our last sponsor for the day is Shopify. Y'all, I'm so thankful for Shopify. They make setting up an e-commerce site really, really easy. So if you've got a great product, you've got your artwork, you've got merchandise, whatever it is you're trying to sell, you don't want to have to go through the difficult process of finding a website developer and trying to set this shop up on your own. You don't have time. You might not have the money for it. So go with Shopify. They make it really easy. It's what we use to sell our merchandise to you guys, especially if you were a small business owner. You want to spend your time actually making

Starting point is 00:55:04 the product you're trying to sell. Like that's why you started this, right? So you could make art, so you could sell jewelry. So you could sell the things that you want to sell and make sure that you are adding value to people's life. Don't waste your time writing product descriptions. Like that's what Shopify is for. They have put in place this really easy system.

Starting point is 00:55:21 They can help you with every single bit of e-commerce. So turn your big business idea or your small business that you've already started into with Shopify on your side to sign up for your wall. $1 per month trial and start selling today at Shopify.com slash Alley. That's a dollar per month trial with my link, Shopify.com slash Alley. The only time that we see this concept of self-love in scripture, it is spoken of negatively. Second Timothy 3.1 through 7. I think we actually said this passage last week on the show too. But understand this, that in the last days, there will come times of difficulty for people will be lovers of

Starting point is 00:56:08 self. Lovers of money. Proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, slanders, unapesable slanders without self-control. Brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure, rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Wow, that's a lot of what we just read and watched. Avoid such people, for among them are those who creep into households and capture weak women. I wonder who the primary audience is of this self-empowerment stuff, burdened with sins and led astray by various passions, always learning, but never able to arrive at a knowledge of truth. That is the consistent target audience for this self-help stuff.

Starting point is 00:56:57 The only positive kind of self-thing, self-dash something that we see in scripture is self-control, self-denial. So really what we see in scripture is that the self is something that doesn't need to be liberated. It needs to be tamed. It needs to be held back. Our flesh needs to be told, no, our emotions need to be bridled by Jesus. Our emotions are real. They're not always bad, but they have to be in submission to objective reality and biblical truth. Spurgeon said this. If any man thinks ill of you, don't be angry with him, for you are worse than he. thinks you to be. So that is actually the biblical way of releasing our anxiety over what other people think of us, not by saying, well, no, I'm great. No, I think I'm perfect. No, I really am beautiful and I'm worth it and I'm all of these things. It's, oh, they don't know how bad I really am. They don't

Starting point is 00:57:56 know the sin that Jesus had to save me from. They don't know all of the layers of corruption and deceit that are in my heart that I desperately need Jesus to not only save me from, but sanctify me of. When we see ourselves in that humble light, that is actually what releases us from this anxiety of being thought of in a particular way. Remember, the self can't be both the problem and the solution and the self is the problem. Sin in the self is the problem and Christ is the solution. And the solution is getting a new self, not getting an improved self, not getting a liberated or empowered self, but a new self in Christ. 2. Corinthians 517 through 18 says, therefore, if anyone is in Christ, Christ. He is a new creation. The old has passed. Behold, the new has come. All this is from God who

Starting point is 00:58:43 through Christ reconciled us to himself. That is what the freedom, that is where the freedom comes from. Look, people want solutions for how to be happier, more successful, more satisfied. I think they really like Mel Robbins's tough love approach. I like the tough love approach. I think it's very popular right now. That's another reason why people love Dave Ramsey. It's just like, tell me how to get out of this toxic situation, how to feel better, and how to be more successful. And I think a lot of their tips can really work. And in bits and pieces, they can be true, because all truth is God's truth, no matter who's saying it. And in as far as something is biblically true, of course, it can be right and it can be helpful. But the problem is, is that they are half-truths. And when followed wholesale,

Starting point is 00:59:30 they will lead you in a bad direction. Theologian R.C. Sproles said, no matter how much knowledge is psychiatrist or psychologist or a sociologist or even a theologian has about human behavior, it is at best severely limited. It's the knowledge and the advice and the recommendation of someone who lacks one quality, omniscient. So that's knowing everything. Our presupposition as Christians is that the advice in the council that we receive from scripture is the insight and the council and the advice of the omniscient one speaking to us, his fallible creatures. And here's what he tells us. Here's what God tells us. Philippians 4, 6 through 7, don't be anxious about anything. But in everything, by prayer and supplication with Thanksgiving, let your request be made known to God.

Starting point is 01:00:18 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. So there's the true, not let them theory, but let God theology. So instead of let them theory, we have the let God theology. let God do what he is going to do. Let him give you peace in exchange for your anxiety. So here he acknowledges your anxiety and he tells you what to actually do about it. He says, give it to me. Lay it at my feet. Give me your heavy burden. Give me your difficult yoke and I will replace it with something light and easy. I will give you the peace that passes the understanding that you have of this current situation, the complications of your current relationship, whatever difficulty is in this circumstance, give that to me because I am doing something that you cannot see.

Starting point is 01:01:08 And I love you and I have plans to prosper you and not to harm you. That doesn't necessarily mean earthly success or earthly prosperity or earthly healing. But it does mean that God is working all things together for the good of those who love him. That is Romans 828. So the release that you feel comes from surrender to Christ. 1 Peter 5.7, cast all your anxieties on him because he cares for you. Proverbs 3 5 through 6, trust in the Lord with all your heart. Don't lean on your own understanding in all your ways.

Starting point is 01:01:45 Acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight. Jesus says, Matthew 11, 28 through 30, come to me all you who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn for me for I am gentle and love. slowly in heart and you will find rest for your souls for my yoke is easy and my burden is light. That word used for rest there means inward peace while outwardly laboring. So while you are fulfilling your responsibilities, while you are doing all the things that you have to do, maybe you're busy, maybe your schedule is full and you can't just stop for an hour and actually

Starting point is 01:02:24 kick your feet up. Jesus gives you inward rest and inward renewal no matter what others are doing. So instead of focusing on yourself, focus on Christ. Focus on what he's done for you. Focus on the value and the worth and the love that he has given you by what he has done on the cross. Because your ability to remind yourself of all of the catchy mantras to love yourself, to empower yourself, remember is so unreliable. It is so fickle. But Hebrews 13-8 tells us that Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and forever. So you can always look to the immovable signal of how loved you are.

Starting point is 01:03:04 And that is on the cross and the sacrifice that he made for you and the blood that he poured out for you. That is better than washing your face. That is better than letting them. That is better than all of the self-help theories that will come and go for the next several decades. At the end of the day, your satisfaction will only be found in the gospel. All right, that's all we got time for today, y'all. We will be back here on Friday.

Relatable with Allie Beth Stuckey - Ep 1237 | Let Them? The Good, the Bad & the Buddhist

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