Relatable with Allie Beth Stuckey - Ep 174 | Should a Christian Date a Non-Christian?

Episode Date: October 14, 2019

When you are the sole believer in a relationship, it will only take you further from God. 

Hey, this is Steve Day. If you're listening to Allie, you already understand that the biggest issues facing our country aren't just political. They're moral, spiritual, and rooted in what we believe is true about God, humanity, and reality itself. On the Steve Day show, we take the news of the day and tested against first principles, faith, truth, and objective reality. We don't just chase narratives and we don't offer false comfort.

We ask the hard questions and follow the answers wherever they leave, even when it's unpopular. This is a show for people who want honesty over hype and clarity over chaos. If you're looking for commentary grounded in conviction and unwilling to lie to you about where we are or where we're headed, you can watch this D-Day show right here on Blaze TV or listen wherever you get podcasts. I hope you'll join us. Hey, guys, happy Monday. Welcome to Relatable. Today we are going to address a topic that I am asked about a lot. Should an unbeliever be dating a believer? Should a Christian be dating a non-Christian? So we are going to get into that. Hey, this is Steve Day. If you're listening to Allie, you already understand that the biggest issues facing our country aren't just political. They're moral, spiritual, and rooted in what we believe is true about God, humanity, and reality itself. On the Steve Day show, we take the news of the day and tested against first principles, faith, truth, and objective reality.

We don't just chase narratives and we don't offer false comfort. We ask the hard questions and follow the answers wherever they leave, even when it's unpopular. This is a show for people who want honesty over hype and clarity over chaos. If you're looking for commentary grounded in conviction and unwilling to lie to you about where we are or where we're headed, you can watch this Stee Day show right here on Blaze TV or listen wherever you get podcasts. I hope you'll join us. So now we are going to talk about this somewhat, I would say, controversial topic. Should Christians be dating non-Christians? And not only that, should I be dating someone whose views of the Bible don't align with my own.

So someone who's not just in a different denomination, but maybe you are a Southern Reform. Baptist and you are dating a Catholic, is this relationship that should go on. My quick answer to this, mostly to the question, should a believer be dating a non-believer, but also should two people who have very, very different views of the Bible be in a relationship. My quick answer to that is no. Christians should not be dating non-Christians and two people who just don't believe the same things about the fundamentals of the faith should not be together. I know what you're thinking. Some of you might be thinking maybe, okay, your parents or a couple that you know were together and one of them wasn't a Christian. One of them was a Christian. Or they became a Christian. One of them became a Christian over time because of the one who was a Christian and it all worked out and it's wonderful. Worked out for them. You're thinking, okay, well, that can work out for you as well. And of course, it's true. There are stories of men and women staying together and getting married and enjoying a wonderful long marriage after the non-believing husband. and her wife actually became a Christian. Of course, it's possible. But I think if you ask any of those

couples, would it have been better? Would your relationship have been steadier, healthier, more fruitful? If both of you had been Christians from the start, my guess, my very good educated guess would be that the answer would be yes. It is a gracious gift, not a guarantee that these non-believers became believers over time. It is just as likely, if not more likely, that you will, marry someone who is not a Christian and they will never repent and never believe. And that is a hard situation to be in and we're going to talk a little bit more about that. This episode is about why that is a chance that you don't want to take as well as some advice for what to do to avoid the, to avoid this situation, what to do if you're in this situation and what to do if someone

you know is in this situation. It's all going to kind of be combined in what we talk about from a biblical perspective. I do want to clarify off the bat that I am speaking to people who are in dating relationships or who are engaged. I am not talking to people who are married. Well, actually, I am going to talk to you specifically, but the advice that I'm going to give about this kind of relationship and getting out of this kind of relationship is obviously not for you. If you are a Christian who is married to a non-believer, a divorce is not a biblical option. But I will speak directly to you, like I said, at the end of this to give you some encouragement and some biblical wisdom. This is for those of you who are going on dates. Maybe you're in a fling with someone.

Maybe you met someone on a dating app and you're just like, okay, finally, I've hit it off, hit it off with someone and this is going well, but I don't really know where they are spiritually. This is for you, someone who is in a relationship with someone who is not on the same page spiritually or who is engaged to someone who is not a believer. Even if you are planning to get married to this person this weekend, this episode is still for you. The verse that is most commonly cited when discussing this subject is 2 Corinthians 614, do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers.

And usually in this conversation, the person referencing this verse ends there. Do not be unequally yoked. But there are actually very important verses after this surrounding this verse, that give context for verse 14. Here are verses 14 through 18 together. Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership does righteousness have with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?

What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? What agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God said, I will make my dwelling among them and walk among them and I will be their God and they shall be my people. Therefore, go out from their midst and be separate from them, says the Lord, and touch no unclean thing. Then I will welcome you and I will be a father to you. And you shall be sons and daughters to me, says the Lord Almighty. So we are to

refrain from being yoked. We will talk about what yoked actually literally means in a minute. We are to refrain from being yoked to unbelievers because we essentially have not. nothing in common with them. Yes, we are all humans. We are all made in the image of God. We may share similar hobbies, similar likes, personalities, political views, but we are essentially ultimately diametrically opposed. We are going into very different directions. We don't have the same perspective. In the previous chapter of 2 Corinthians, Paul explains that everyone who is in Christ is now a new creation. The old has passed. The new has come. We have become ambassadors for Christ. The same chapter says, we are no longer, as Ephesians 2 calls it dead in our trespasses.

We are sons and daughters of disobedience, but now we are alive in Christ when by grace through faith we have been saved. We are children of God, children of light, heirs of the kingdom. We are not just new and improved versions of ourselves. We are new creations entirely. That means that who we are is different, how we talk is different, how we act is different, how we see the world is and should be different from the rest of the world. Ephesians 5-1 through 10 tells us how we are supposed to act as Christians that is different from the rest of the world. Therefore, be imitators of God as beloved children and walk in love as Christ loved us and

gave himself up for us a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you as is proper among saints. Saints is everyone who is in Christ. Let there be no filthiness, nor foolish talk, nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be Thanksgiving. For you may be sure of this that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure or who is covetousness, that is, an idolatyr, has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things, the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience.

Therefore, do not become partners with them, for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light, for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true, and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. we are not who we were as Christians. First Corinthians 619 through 20 says, you are not your own. You were bought with a price. We are a light in a world of darkness and we are not to be intertwined with darkness. Now, let us clarify some things because you might be thinking some of the same things that I'm naturally thinking when I'm reading these passages.

You might be asking, does that mean that we're not to associate with anyone at all who doesn't share our faith? Are we not to associate at all with the outside world? What does Yoke actually mean? So in 1 Corinthians 5-9 through 11, Paul tells the church this. I wrote to you, so he says, I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people, not at all meaning the sexually immoral of this world or the greedy and the swindlers or idolaters since then you would have to go out of the world. But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name. of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler, not even to eat with such one. So bearing the name of brother would be

someone who is inside the church. If someone calls himself a Christian and yet is consistently unrepentant in his sin, his or her sin, we are to disassociate with them. But it is clear that we do not interact with and live life alongside people who are not Christians. We, of course, are kind and hospitable with the hope of them coming to Christ. We pray for them. We love them. We serve them. But when we go back to the passage in Ephesians 4 that tells us not to partner with those who are not in Christ, in the passage in 2 Corinthians 6 that tells us not to associate with darkness, it is clear that we are not to have intimate relationships. And I'm talking about close intimate friendships too with those who are outside the faith,

unless I would say, you can correct me if you think I'm wrong, unless I would say, as a method of ministry. When the goal is the gospel and it is kept at the center of this relationship, I would say that's less of a common friendship and more evangelism. And it must be kept that way in order for it to be godly. I'm talking about, we're talking about friendships now. We're not talking about marriages in this case. People say that Jesus was a friend of sinners. Yes, he did dine with sinners, but always with the aim of calling them to believe in a repentance from sin. Not to make them feel good about themselves, but to save their souls. And now I'm just going to be completely transparent with you as we're talking about this that I am very much preaching to myself when it comes to making the gospel the center of all of my

relationships. I don't do that with all of my friendships just to be honest. And that is wrong. That's simple. I mean, I get lazy. I get apathetic. I get awkward. I don't want to broach this kind of subject. I just kind of want to let it be. And so as so often happens when I'm preparing for these and reading the Bible, I am convicted. I pray for the Holy Spirit to give me the strength and the grace to obey. I pray that for all of us. So as we finally get to what this episode is about, let us build this bridge between God through Paul saying that we are not to partner with people in any kind of platonic or any kind of meaningful intimate relationship that are of this world. Let us build this bridge into talking about romantic relationships. If the Bible speaks to the wrongness of creating

meaningful associations with the world and those in it, then don't we think that that probably includes marriage as well? Of course it does. Genesis 224 describes marriage like this. Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and the two shall become one flesh. A husband and a wife are not two entities coming together in a mutually beneficial contractual agreement. It's not just even a romantic relationship culminating in a signed document and a ceremony. It's not just a lifelong commitment. According to God, who actually invented marriage, it is an entrance into a lifelong covenant in which they are physically, the man and the woman are physically becoming one and spiritually and emotionally, they start to share with one another the most profound part of

themselves. There is, and there should be, no more intimate relationship on earth. earth than that of a husband and a wife. As Ephesians 5 explains, a husband and wife are a reflection of Christ in the church. Just as Christ lay his life down for the church, so a husband is to lay his life down for his wife. And just as the church submits to Christ, so a wife is to submit to her husband. There is gospel significance to marriage. It transcends worldly understanding of love and relationships and reflects something eternal. This is why God doesn't like divorce. You can read balance. You can read Malachi too on that. This is why divorce is so difficult, why it has such a lasting impact on the spouses and the children that are involved. Divorce is a product. It's a product of the fallen world,

which means it wasn't supposed to be this way. It's kind of like death, which is the most sure thing in the universe. It still feels unnatural to all of us when we see it because it's a product of the fall. Our eternal soul knows it's not supposed to be this way. And so it is with divorce. marriages were never meant to end. The husband and the wife are one flesh and their lives become inextricably intertwined. This is how God made it to be. And if you become one flesh with someone while remaining divided in spirit and disagreement on the stuff of the soul, the matters of the heart, the things of eternity, heartache, and heartbreak will ensue. I think this is especially true. This is just my opinion. I think this is especially true for women who may,

Mary, unbelieving men. The Bible tells us that the husband is the head of the wife, just as Christ is the head of the church. He is supposed to be leading their family in all areas, including spiritually. And if you are a wife, who is a Christian, who is walking with God, and you do not have a husband who is leaving you, who is pushing you towards the Lord, who is united with you in mission, you will grow frustrated, you will grow resentful, you will grow bitter and prideful and sad and angry, you will long for his leadership. And he simply is not able as a non-Christian to give that because he can't. You will want to take the lead and you will know that you're not supposed to take the lead.

And while the Holy Spirit is sufficient in giving you peace and wisdom, this will be a constant struggle for you. And this may sound a little bit sexist, but it's just the general nature of men and women. a woman is more likely to be open, probably, I would say, and in general, probably and in general, okay, more likely to be open to the religious views of her boyfriend or fiance or her husband than a man is. That just seems to be true from what I have heard. But either way, whether you are the believing man or the believing woman in this situation, it is not wise for you to become unequally yoked in the most meaningful and intimate relationship on earth that there is.

But what does it actually mean to be unequally yoked? Literally speaking, a yoke is this kind of, it's a wooden bar that joins two oxen together when they are pulling a load in order for it to work for the two oxen to be successful and effective in this endeavor. The oxen need to be a similar height. They need to be a similar strength. So that means also a similar weight or else the one ox is going to be carrying a disproportionate weight, and it's just not going to work. It's not only going to be ineffective, it's also going to be pretty much impossible because they're going to be competing against one another rather than working in tandem.

So Christians, when we are placed in partnership with those who are unbelieving, are going to find ourselves at odds with the unbeliever when it comes to meaningful relationships. At some point, our differences are going to be so profound. we won't be able to work together. In the second Corinthians passage, Paul isn't specifically referring to marriage. He is talking about all meaningful relationships. But as we've said, if he is talking about all meaningful relationships, I'm not just talking about acquaintances and mere business associations and things like that, although I do think we need to be wise about who we enter into business with and it's always better if you both have a gospel perspective.

But all meaningful relationships, he is obviously and even especially, including marriage. Uniting yourself with an unbeliever in marriage will create spiritual, emotional, and mental burdens that God does not want you to bear. Marriage between two believers is already hard. It's already hard. Marriage is already work. There are sacrifices that you will have to make. You will have to bear one another's burdens when you feel like you don't have the strength or endurance to do that. You will have to forgive sins that you don't want to forgive. You will have to show patience when you feel like your patience is already worn as thin as it can go. You will be sanctified of your selfishness. You will be called to sacrifice. You will have to lay down your pride

more times than you like. You will have to love when the other person in that moment seems to you unlovable. You will argue over budgets. You will stress over your kids. You will hurt one another's feelings. You will learn how to build a marriage and a family in a godly way. And that will be hard. and this is when both of you are believers, when you are on the same page spiritually. But in the midst of all of that, in the midst of all of the toughness that inevitably comes with marriage when you've got two people that sin, even when you're Christians, in the midst of all of that, at the end of the day, all of your differences and disagreements are obsolete in the light of the hope that you share when you are both believers.

You are united in your belief in the gospel and your obligation to repent of your sins, your desire to be sanctified, and to become more like Christ. And when you are not united on that front, reconciliation and unity is not only hard, but when it is accomplished, it will only be accomplished superficially. Because one of your spirits is still in darkness, and that's a really big, profound difference. You may feel right now intense romantic feelings. and the relationship that you are mistaking for the Holy Spirit telling you that this is okay. I understand. I've had friends that have been there. I have been there too. But do not mistake your

intense romantic feelings in your relationship right now for the Holy Spirit telling you to go against God's word. The intense romantic feelings that you are feeling eventually will be less intense and you will be in a relationship where instead of automatically feeling these over the moon feelings, I feel like I've said feelings a lot, feelings of joy to be with them at every waking moment, you are going to be in a relationship as we all are at some point where you are choosing to love that person even when you don't feel it. And you will be choosing to love them because God has told you to choose to love them, but you don't have the same guarantee from them. unbeliever because they are not operating under the same authority as you are. And my guess is,

even if you are in this relationship as a Christian with an unbeliever where you feel these very intense, romantic feelings, my guess is that you have felt at least once the nudge of the Holy Spirit telling you that this isn't right, that you've had at least a couple moments where you've said, you know what, maybe I don't want to dive into this. Maybe this isn't right. But you've convinced yourself, perhaps that it's fine, that you can change then, that at least they're open, that at least they believe in God in some way. You've tried to silence that aching feeling in your gut that's telling you that this is not the right thing to do, that this is not the biblical thing to do, that in the long run, this is not going to be good. My advice to you, if you are in that very hard position,

what I feel for you, I know that this is difficult. My advice for you is to listen to the Holy Spirit is to not suppress that conviction. Do what is right. Pray for strength and let go of that relationship. Maybe the Lord will call them to himself. You can certainly pray for that. I would encourage you to pray for that. And maybe you will end up together. Maybe not. You can introduce them to a godly person of the same sex as them to mentor them. You can encourage them to read their Bible and go to church, but it would be a mistake for you to try to be their spiritual guide. The romantic part of your relationship is going to make that very difficult. I have watched that exact situation end up in heartache, and I don't want that for you. And if you are listening to this and thinking, well,

I led my boyfriend or girlfriend to Christ and it worked out for us, that's good. I am rejoicing and the fact that the Holy Spirit came into their hearts and that God used you, I am. But know that you are the exception. You are not the rule. And according to the Bible, it would not be wise to advise everyone that you know in the same situation to follow in your footsteps. That's just not what the word of God leads us to. And that's in this situation. If you are in a marriage where one of you is a believer in the other is not, I know that that's hard. I can imagine what that is like. A seek, I've actually, I've gotten messages from a lot of you who are in that situation and who don't know what to do. You feel totally hopeless. You are despairing because you want so

badly for the spouse that you love to come to know Christ and you feel that you're alone. My advice to you, even though I haven't been in your exact situation, my advice to you is to seek a Christ-like mentor, to seek godly friends and couples that can surround you and your husband or wife, pray for them, love them your spouse, and serve them. So they see something different in you. Pray against resentment and pride and bitterness, which Satan would love to increase in your heart. Pray that the Lord would give you a heart of compassion and share the gospel with them. Share the gospel with them, even if it's awkward, even if they get angry and defensive. Here's what 1st Peter 3.1 has to say about wives in this position. Likewise, wives, be subject to your own.

husband so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be one without a word by the conduct of their wives. So even if your husband does not know the Lord, respect and love him, show then the love of Christ through your actions, submit to his authority as long as, as long as his leadership doesn't contradict God's word. Raise your kids in the Lord. Take them to church, teach them the love of Christ, pray over your family without seizing. Know that God sees you, that he hears you, and that he is with you. And remember this. No matter what position you are in, Satan hates marriage. He hates it. It is a reflection of the gospel of Christ in the church, and he hates it. He hates self-sacrifice. He hates sanctification. He hates the love and respect that a godly marriage exemplifies. He wants it to be

destroyed. He does not like it. He does not like it at all when two people who are following Jesus enter into a lifelong covenant. So he is going to try everything he can to make that not happen. He wants your marriage that you are in right now to end in divorce and devastation. He wants you to be puffed up with pride and filled with resentment. Do not let him drive a wedge where there shouldn't be one. Arm yourself with the full armor of God. Obey the Lord. Avoid becoming unequally yoked and if you already are, pray for your spouse's soul and continue to glorify God with your whole life. That's all you can do. I know that this is a message that is probably going to be unpopular with a lot of people. But look, even though I did not end up in that situation,

I remember in college. I remember this being a struggle, not just for me, but also for other people that I know. It's so easy. It's so easy when you feel these romantic feelings to say that it's all going to work out fine, that maybe you'll even take the risk, that you love them so much that it must be right, that even if down the line you feel some kind of heartache or disappointment because they haven't come to know the Lord, that it'll be fine because your love will carry you through. I'm telling you that so many times that is not the case. That actually it ends up being a relationship where you wonder why the heck and how the heck did I even get into this situation in the first place. Why didn't I listen to that nudge of the Holy Spirit? And of course, as I've said, once you are already there, once you are already

in marriage, you need to stay there and you need to work it out and you need to pray and you need to be sanctified. But if you have the opportunity right now not to put yourself in that situation, use discernment, be wise and follow the word of God. How gracious is God? How gracious is God to not want to put us in that situation of dealing with years and years of heartache because our spouse hasn't become a believer because we thought that he would and he didn't because maybe they even showed signs of becoming a believer when you were dating or engaged because they wanted to impress you. but when they no longer really want to impress you after you've, you know, been married for five years and you've got a kid that you're like, hang on for a second. I thought that you were coming to the Lord. I thought you were going to be godlier than this. And they've really shown a lot of apathy towards that because they just don't care anymore. I don't think that God wants you to be in that position of disappointment and of feeling isolated in your faith. I believe that we see from God's word that he wants a man and a woman to be united in mission, united and a love for Christ and a desire for sanctification, a hatred for sin, a commitment to one

another, and a commitment most of all to heaven, to the Lord, to advancing his kingdom. And don't we all, me, everyone listening to this podcast, have a lot of work to do in that realm. I certainly do. But if you are in this position and you just feel, you just feel this kind of like ache of conviction and this pit in your stomach because you know what you have to do, but you don't want to do it. Know that even though for me when I was in college and I went through a hard breakup, it didn't have to do with being a believer or an unbeliever, but it just had to do with it not being right. Know that I know that feeling. I can empathize with you there, knowing that there was a nudge from the Holy Spirit that this wasn't right, that I shouldn't be there, but not wanting to do it.

And I even had the thought, and I know, I know some of you out there have had this thought, too, even while listening to this. I even had the thought, okay, well, it might not be right. but if I go ahead and get married, then I'm stuck. And then I won't have to deal with this anymore and I'll just make it work. And I actually thought that it would be better. It would be better to be married to someone that I knew I shouldn't be married to than it would to be single. I'm telling you, if you are thinking that this is like your friend or your big sister

talking to you, that's crazy talk. That's crazy. And I can tell you that because I've been there. It is better. Every time to be sad and single that it is to be sad and married, you don't want to be trapped. If you are trying to convince yourself constantly that it is right for you to be with this person, it's not. It's not.

And I'm not just talking about whether it's a matter of being unequally yoked or not. I think I could be like a relationship or not a relationship, like a breakup counselor. Because I see these situations so often where people, especially girls, are convinced. convincing themselves to be with someone that they're not supposed to be with. And those feelings are so intense. And that fear of singleness is so intense. And you're like, finally, someone wants me. Finally, someone wants to be with me. Finally, I can see my future with someone. And yet you know it's not right. And you're too scared to break up with them. I know. I know how you feel. I know how you feel. And my encouragement to you is to remember that God is faithful and that he gave you the Holy

Spirit for a reason that Jesus says that it was actually better that he left and that the Holy Spirit, a helper, remained with us. That means that the Holy Spirit is powerful and that he is trustworthy. And I know sometimes it's hard to discern what's right and what's wrong when it comes to situations with the relationships. But when it comes to being unequally yoked, we can go back to the Word of God. And we can know that if we're feeling the Holy Spirit, that it can be also found in God's word and in this case obviously certainly that is true so that is my um difficult but i think biblically based advice to you if you've got any pushback on that i totally want to hear it you can message me and tell me what you think i know that this is not always the easiest thing to hear

feel free to message me on instagram um if you guys don't already subscribe to my youtube channel do that as well it's Ali Beth Sucky on YouTube. You can watch these. This also comes on live. It's not live, but it's kind of live on Facebook on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, so you can always watch it there. I know for some of you, some of you ask me, what about the people who don't listen to podcasts? Well, you can always share YouTube and a lot of, if you're trying to share this with your parents or something, a lot of your parents probably have Facebook too. So that's a good place. It's Ali on Blaze TV, I think, is my Facebook page. So you can listen there. Thank you guys so much for listening. I hope that you have a great start to your week and I will see you back here on Wednesday. Hey, this is Steve Day. If you're

listening to Allie, you already understand that the biggest issues facing our country aren't just political. They're moral, spiritual, and rooted in what we believe is true about God, humanity and reality itself. On the Steve Day show, we take the news of the day and tested against first principles, faith, truth, and objective reality. We don't just chase narratives and we don't offer false comfort. We ask the hard questions and follow the answers wherever they leave, even when it's unpopular. This is a show for people who want honesty over hype and clarity over chaos. If you're looking for commentary grounded in conviction and unwilling to lie to you about where we are or where we're headed, you can watch this D-Day show right here on Blaze TV or listen wherever you get podcasts.

I hope you'll join us.