Relatable with Allie Beth Stuckey - Ep 203 | Three MORE Myths Christian Women Believe

Episode Date: January 6, 2020

Adding on to one of my most popular episodes, "Three Myths Christian Women Believe," I share three more pieces of advice we are given as Christian women that sound good, but aren't. 

Hey guys, welcome to Relatable. I hope everyone had an awesome Christmas and an awesome new year. We really didn't do very much. We got together with my family and we kind of reflected over the past decade. So much has changed. I don't know if you guys kind of took the time to think about that, especially if you're my age. Like 10 years ago, I was still in high school. You were still in high school. But I guess for anyone, a lot can change over the decade. But especially those of us who were in our 20s over the past 10 years, you have probably graduated from high school, graduated from college, maybe gotten married, had a kid or two. I could not, I don't think I could have anticipated or planned everything that has happened, even with my career, just personally, I wouldn't have been

able to guess it. So it's been kind of crazy to be able to look back and then think what's going to happen from now until 2029? What is the next decade going to hold? I am very hopeful, not just my personal life, but just in general. I am optimistic, as crazy as things are, I'm optimistic about the future because we always kind of have to be at least to a certain degree. Okay, that's not what we're talking about today. We kind of already talked about a recap of the past year and like what our goals are going to be and resolutions and different things like that. I asked a bunch of you guys on Instagram what your goals are for 2020. You have so many wonderful goals and I share a lot with you. And actually the goals that I don't have that you guys have,

it made me rethink my priorities and maybe add some to my list. I think we all have the goal of reading the Bible more, becoming more joyful, more loving, more hospitable Christians. That's certainly true for me. I want to do a better job of being a peacemaker in 2020 while not forsaking the truth. I think peace and truth can go hand in hand. But I think we all have the tendency, especially on social media to get into conversations that just aren't fruitful. I certainly do that and I want to do a better job of that and also be peaceful in my thinking, peaceful in my attitude. I have the tendency to kind of worry, be anxious and be fearful. And so I want to be a peacemaker, to be a peaceful person, to be a peace dweller, want to dwell on the peace of Christ and let the peace of Christ rule in my

heart as scripture says. And so a lot of your goals also challenged me. And so that was fun to be able to do that on Instagram. If you have any more goals, please let me know them. I like to encourage people and their goals if they are worthy goals to reach, whether it is some kind of career goal or spiritual goal. I like to hear them. They're encouraging and motivating to me. Okay, to start off the new year, what we are going to do, we're actually going to do a continuation, a sequel of a podcast that we did a full calendar year ago, January of 2019. It was called Three Myths that Christian Women Believe. And it was the most popular episode of Relatable for many months, the most downloaded episode. And then it was eclipsed by some other episodes that we did more recently. But it really

struck a nerve in a really good way. It resonated with a lot of you. I bet that it's still probably the most shared episode, like the episode that the most of you either texted or tweeted or just showed to one of your friends. It just happened to speak to a lot of the things and a lot of the lies that young women, especially young Christian women, are hearing in culture right now. So today, I am going to do three more myths that Christian women believe. I really could do four or five or 15 more myths that Christian women believe, but I'm going to stick to three three is a good number. I'm going to rehash the myths that we did a year ago. Even if you have listened to that episode, if you've listened to a replay of that episode, I still think it'll be

beneficial for you to rehear the three myths that I talked about a year ago. And then we'll go into the three more myths that Christian women believe. And then what is the biblical truth behind those myths? So when we see these good sounding, maybe even biblical sounding things, perpetuating, by popular pseudo-Christian teachers or actual Christian teachers or secular teachers, we can have a biblical perspective to approach them and then tear down those arguments either internally or in a loving way externally. Okay. So to rehash the lies that we talked about last year, the three myths that Christian women

believe that we tackled a year ago on Relatable, I think it's episode 69 if you want to go back and listen to the episode in full. but I'm going to kind of give a brief summary of those lies. So the first lie that we tackled was you are enough. You've probably seen this on Instagram. Maybe you've seen it on Pinterest. Maybe you have seen even your favorite Bible study leader or Christian mom influencer, blogger, whoever it is, maybe fitness guru. You have heard someone say this, have seen someone say this, I am sure, in popular culture. You are enough. And, even though this is a well-intentioned saying, we as Christians know that this is not true.

You are not enough. It is so crucial for us as Christians to not just recognize, but to embrace and to rejoice over our not enoughness. This is actually the premise, shameless, totally shameless plug here. It's the premise of my book that's coming out in May. You are not enough. I'm not enough. And that's okay.

And actually, it's more than just okay. It's a wonderful thing. because, as 2 Corinthians 12-9 says, Jesus' grace is sufficient for us. His power is perfected in our weakness, not in our power, not in our strength, not in our goodness, but in our weakness. The entire biblical narrative points to Jesus' sufficiency and our insufficiency, our inadequacy. In every turn, at every turn in the biblical text and in our own lives, we are met with some form or another of our ineptitude. We are faced with our inability to see the future, to make effective or successful plans, to be righteous, to be obedient, to make good decisions, to save

ourselves, to meet the standards of either the world or of God himself. We are lacking. We are wayward. We are corrupt and depraved, lost, confused, weak, and needy. We are not enough. Now, I understand that the people who encourage women by saying that we are enough, they definitely mean well, but they typically mean that our bodies or our capabilities, et cetera, are enough and that we shouldn't be comparing ourselves or feeling like we can't be a good mom or employee, whatever, and I get that. But my response to that is still this. The answer to our insecurity is not our sufficiency.

The answer to our insecurity is not our own sufficient. It is gods. So knowing that the creator of the universe knit us together in our mother's wombs with purpose and care and redeemed us through his son and chose us before the foundation of the world, says Ephesians 1.4, this is the knowledge that alleviates our insecurity, that the God who made and chose and shepherds us, sees us, and hears us, and cares for us, and he meets us in our weaknesses. And his power is perfected through. that weakness. God made us, you and I, he made us not enough. If we were enough, we wouldn't need the cross. If we were enough, we would need his word. And even just pragmatically speaking,

if we were enough, we wouldn't need family or friends or the church or community or prayer. 1 Corinthians 12, as most of you know, depicts the Church of Christ as a body with many members, with many different parts to put the passage into the context of what we're talking about here. a hand isn't enough on its own. A foot or an eye or an elbow isn't enough on its own. They are all dependent on the rest of the body to properly function. So you and I are not enough in any way, and that's okay. That's okay because Christ, our sufficiency, our strength, our salvation, the head of the body that is the church is enough. He is enough. And because of that, we rejoice in all that we lack. So myth number one, are enough. Reality, you are not enough. I'm not enough. That's okay. Myth number two that we tackled. You have to love yourself before you can love other people. We have talked about this particular

myth a lot because it is so popular and so pervasive in modern culture. And guess what? It's not new. You can go back and you can look, for example, John Piper was writing sermons and writing articles about the myth of self-love in the 1970s and 80s. And so this idea of trendy narcissism, as I've called it many times is not new. Now, it's probably waxed and waned in our society and it's definitely made a swift comeback and a powerful comeback, especially through social media. So maybe it's more ubiquitous than it was in the 1970s, but it's always been around because we've always been naturally selfish and prideful people. And modern psychology, and by modern, I mean, over the past 50 years, has obsessed over this idea that all bad behavior goes back to a lack of self-esteem.

And there's really, there aren't very many studies. If any legitimate studies, if any, legitimate studies, that back up that a lack of self-esteem is the root cause of all bad behavior. That's just not true. So we've talked about this myth a lot because even Christians we hear say, well, Jesus said to love your neighbor as yourself. As yourself, they say, is a command. You have to love yourself before you can love other people. But grammatically, that's not even what that means. If you read it in English or If you go back to the original text, the original language, you're not going to find that this is a command to love ourselves. This is a given. This doesn't mean that we are always affectionate towards ourselves, that we always look in the mirror and think that we're so awesome and pretty and talented.

It means that we all are born with this natural, this inherent drive for self-preservation. And that is how Jesus is telling us that we should love other people in the same way that you seek to nourish your own body. that you seek to alleviate yourself from pain, that you seek to provide for yourself, that kind, you should feel that kind of natural driver you should have that kind of relentless drive towards other people. In the same way that you feed yourself when you're hungry, you should feed someone else when they're hungry. In the same way that you drink when you're thirsty, you should offer someone something to drink when they are thirsty. That is the kind of love your neighbor as yourself that Jesus is talking about. He's not talking about that we need to wake up in the

morning tell ourselves we're Beyonce before we can go out and serve other people. I think that if we break down that logic, it's pretty obvious to see that this is not what the God of the universe who blood and died for us meant by that. And by the way, I do want to say, this does not mean, I always feel like I need to clarify this. This does not mean that you should be self-loathing. Self-love and self-loathing are two sides of the same self-focused, self-obsessed coin. We are constantly swinging in this pendulum between self-love and self-loathing. And so the option or the antidote to a self-loathing is not actually self-love. It is self-forgetfulness and God's love.

And so that's what I always tell people because I get messages. I get whatever people saying, oh, well, God doesn't tell us that we should love ourselves less. The Bible never says that. well, yeah, because the Bible never says that we should love ourselves, period, because we are born with a drive for self-preservation. And we do not, at any point, the Bible never tells us to love ourselves. The Bible never tells us that we need to focus on self-esteem. The Bible never tells us that we need to build ourselves up. In fact, it's just the opposite, not self-deprecation,

but self-forgetfulness. So it is a lie from the pit of hell that you have to love yourself before you can love other people. This comes in many forms that you can't pour out an empty cup. and so you have to focus on self-care before you can serve other people. That's not true either. Yes, our bodies do need rest. There's nothing, I get this question a lot. Like, is it wrong for me to go get my nails done? No, our bodies do need rest.

God did create us for balance. He did create us for leisure. He did create us for rest as well as for work. I mean, we see that even reflected in the creation story. We are to take a Sabbath. Human beings are not naturally and automatically rejuvenating. We actually have to reach. And so there's nothing wrong with rest for the purpose of being able to work more efficiently

and more effectively. But this idea that we need self-care or we need self-love in order to care for or love other people is wrong. And it shows a lack of dependence on our good shepherd who loves and cares for us totally sufficiently. Thank goodness we don't have to depend on self-love and self-care, which is totally unreliable in order to care for and love other people or else we would never care for love other people effectively. So that was myth number two. You have to love yourself before you can love other people. And I have an entire episode, I think, dedicated to that specific myth. And it's called the myth of self-love. So you can go back and listen to that as well. Third myth that we tackled a year ago on three myths, Christian women believe, is be you. So you've

probably heard you do you. Don't be sorry for who you are. And authenticity can be. And often is a very good thing. In that, in that you are confident in the abilities that God has given you and you are working to use those for his glory and the good of those around you. We are certainly not called to pretend to have different talents than we have or to lie about the talents that we have. Lying about who we are or what we can do would certainly be a sin. But it's a big butt here. But authenticity is not a good thing when it is used as an experience. use to sin. When it is used to embrace umbiblical sexuality, for example, or even to write off certain sins is simply quirks of our personality type or to refuse to obey God because we think

something is not in our wheelhouse. God is not limited by our enneagram type. Like, he's not limited by our Myers-Briggs type. He's not limited by a personality type. First Corinthians 1, 26 through 31 says, for consider your calling brothers. Not many of you are wise, according to to worldly standards. Not many were powerful. Not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise. God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong. God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not to bring to nothing things that are so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of him, you are in Christ Jesus who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification

and redemption, so that as it is written, let the one who boast boast in the Lord. He is not interested in what we think or what the Enneagram or any personality test says that we are likely to do. That doesn't mean that our personalities don't give us propensity towards something. Of course, I think I have the natural propensity to do what I am doing, whereas other people have other personalities that make them better suited for something else. But all I'm saying is that God's plan is not limited by that. I am sure that Moses didn't think that he had the personality type to be used the way that God used him. And it was probably true of David as well. God chooses very unlikely and seemingly unequipped people to accomplish his purposes very often. Okay, that is the refresher for the three

myths that Christian women believe. And here are the next three. Obviously, I'll go one by one. These are really three pieces of advice that we are given, particularly as Christian women, that sound good but aren't good. Myth number one today is maybe a little controversial, but just go with me here. Myth number one is give yourself grace. This is a directive that we're given a lot in Christian and non-Christian circles. Give yourself grace. Now you're probably wondering what could possibly be wrong with this.

Are we not supposed to give ourselves grace? Are we really just supposed to criticize ourselves all the time? Well, obviously I'm going to explain. But first, let me establish this. this. And this is something that I hadn't thought about until recently. The Bible never tells us to do this. The Bible never tells us to give ourselves grace. The Bible doesn't even say that it's possible for us to forgive ourselves. We are not expected or called to give ourselves grace, not because we should beat ourselves up, but because it is God who gives grace. It is God who extends mercy. It is God who offers ultimate forgiveness. It is God who shows patience to us. And this is so much better than us showing our grace to our, or showing grace to ourselves because the grace that we show to ourselves is limited and conditional. And of course, we can also show grace to other people and people can show grace to us. But the ultimate grace and the most meaningful grace and the most eternal, the only

eternal grace that we can be shown is from God himself. Therefore, it is the only healing grace that really exists. We are, as I was talking about earlier when I was discussing the myth of self-love, we are constantly swinging on this pendulum between arrogance and and self-hatred. And if our stability is dependent upon us loving ourselves or giving ourselves grace, then we are in big trouble. And that's why this matters. So in the same way that I said, self-loathing are two sides of the same self-focused coin. And that the antidote to this going back and forth from one extreme to another is not. So the antidote to self-loathing is not self-love, but it's actually self-forgipfulness and God's love. In the same way, self-forgiveness

and self-deprecation are two sides of the same self-focused coin. Therefore, the antidote, that's a self-deprecation or constant self-criticism is not self-forgiveness, but again, self-forgiveness. It is not more self-forgiveness that we need, but God's forgiveness that we need. Remember, 2 Corinthians 129 says that His grace is sufficient for you. not your grace, but His grace. It is sufficient. You don't need to give yourself grace because God has given you grace and His grace is way better than yours. It is complete. It is sufficient for you. His grace has power. It actually does something. A grace for yourself may make you feel better, but His grace actually does something. I have an alliteration for what God's grace does that our own

grace cannot. So God's grace saves through faith. It sanctifies. It's true. It sanctifies. It's strengthens and it sustains. It's not really an alliteration because in a little, well, it kind of is. They all start with an nest, but it's a little bit different than an alliteration. But it saves, it sanctifies, it strengthens, and it sustains. A grace you give yourself cannot do that. You're not even capable of giving yourself a kind of grace that can save you, that can strengthen you, that can sustain you, and that can sanctify you. The only thing that you and I are capable of in the realm of so-called giving yourself grace is making excuses for ourselves. Now, sometimes these excuses that we make for ourselves are totally legitimate.

And sometimes they're not. Either way, they're not enough to give us the lasting contentment and peace that we are looking for and that we find in the grace of God. There's another point in this myth that I want to highlight. Sometimes the directive to give ourselves grace is used in a way that goes something like this. Shame is from the devil. Shame is from Satan. Shame is from the pit of hell. And then that extends to, you shouldn't feel guilty. You shouldn't have regrets. You don't have any regrets at all. You just learn from your mistakes. You have experiences. You have learning experiences. But that is a myth. Not all shame is

from Satan. As Christians, we should be ashamed of our sins, both past and present. That doesn't mean that we wallow in shame, certainly that temptation is from Satan, but it means that when we remember or when we acknowledge how we have sinned against God, we are not just ashamed of these sins. We actually hate these sins. And this hatred of our sins actually compels us to worship God in more earnest that he would make a way for us in our shameful sinfulness to be forgiven for our slates to be wiped clean. Here's one example of the word shame being used towards Christians in the Bible 1 Corinthians 6 1 through 5 when one of you has a grievance against another does he dare go to the law before the unrighteous instead of the saints or do you not know that the

saints will judge the world and if the world is to be judged by you are you incompetent to try trivial cases do you not know that we are to judge angels how much more than matters pertaining to this life so if you have such cases why do you lay them before those who have no standing in the church i say this to your shame. So the point of this passage is obviously not shame, but the point that I'm trying to make is that Paul, in admonishing Christians in Corinth, he is saying you should be ashamed of this behavior that you are taking part of right now, that you instead of working out a dispute among yourselves, you're actually going to the civil courts who are unbelievers. If you are incompetent to judge matters among yourselves, how can you actually be?

be expected to judge angels one day, which Paul is saying that we will do. And he says this to our shame. And so Corinthians in this passage are supposed to be, in this context, are supposed to be ashamed of the bad behavior that they are engaging in, of the sins that they are engaging in. That is a good thing. They should be ashamed of ungodly behavior. Paul also talks about that godly grief, we hear that godly grief should lead to repentance, that godly grief is therefore a good thing. Second Corinthians 7.9 says the Corinthians were grieved into repenting. This is a different passage. Two verses later, for see what earnestness this godly grief has produced in you, but also what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what longing, what zeal, what

punishment. So while we don't wallow in shame, because in Christ we are new creations, the old has passed and the new has come, we do mourn over the sins that we have. And we have. And and the sins that we struggle against. In that, we are actively fighting against them because they are shameful. We hate them. And we are given grace to save us, sanctify us, strengthen us, and sustain us. But as Roman 6 says, we do not keep sinning that grace may abound, that grace actually produces in us a sadness and a sorrow and even a shame over sin that we might be moved to repentance. And so if this myth, give yourself grace, which the Bible doesn't actually say is possible and which doesn't actually have any power in our lives, if this myth is being used to

excuse sin or to say that we shouldn't feel any sadness over past or present sin, then it needs to be completely ignored. And even if it's not being used for that, what we need to do is to redirect our energy from trying to give grace to ourselves and remembering that God, the God of the universe, the holy and just God who has every right to show his wrath to us, has redeemed us through his son, and in that way has shown us incredible grace. And that grace is sufficient for our confidence, not any grace that we can give ourselves. So number two, the second mythical directive that we are given in popular culture today is to take up space. Take up space.

How many times have we heard this one? Give yourself permission to take up space to show up. to stop apologizing, to make yourself room at the table, to stop asking people to invite you, to just say, I'm here and I have my place at the table, et cetera. We're told this kind of stuff all the time. It's supposed to be super empowering. This is a calling to assert yourself. It is a worldly calling, though.

And like most worldly callings, it sounds really good. And there might be even a little bit of truth to it. We don't need to constantly apologize for our presence. our presence. We don't need to be embarrassed about the strengths that God has given us or the weaknesses that God has given us. We don't need to vie for the affirmation, the attention, the invitation, of other people. So that much is absolutely true. But this lie of self-assertion is just like all of the other lies in this toxic culture of self-love. It doesn't offer the right solutions if our problem is that we are stuck in a rut of belittling ourselves. The answer then is not to assert

ourselves. Self-assertion and self-belittling are two sides of the same self-centered coin. The antidote to our constant self-belittling or our constant self-criticism is not self-assertion, but again, self-forgetfulness. We do not need to assert ourselves into every space we occupy, but rather assert God and his gospel into every space we occupy. John 330, he must increase and I must decrease. Talk about a countercultural verse that we tend to disregard today, especially as women who feel like we have to be empowered in order to be important or to have value. It is completely countercultural, John 330, in today's age of trendy narcissism. This doesn't say that a God should increase and I must increase, or not the

bigger I make God in my life, the bigger I will be, which is what the prosperity gospel teaches, but as God increases in my life, as his authority increases in every area of my life, I decrease. So my personal dreams, my personal wants, my personal ambitions, my personal desires and insistence upon my own way, they get smaller and smaller. Essentially, I take up less and less space. And here's the thing. If you are walking with God, if you are aiming to live your life and obedience to him, you don't have to worry about taking up space or telling other people to scoot over or asserting yourself. He doesn't need you to make room for yourself. He is working in and through you and will make a way for exactly what he wants to accomplish. So that's not your responsibility to make sure that

you're taking up space. And that's a huge relief. And that is what you can find confidence in, that we are to love the Lord, our God with all our heart, mind, soul, and strength, and to love our neighbor as ourselves. That's it. We're not called to take up space. That's what the woman of God is called to do? What business does the woman of God have taking up space when, A, our calling is to become less as God becomes more? And B, we are loved and noticed and cared for by the King of Kings. Why do we need to take up space to have confidence or to have value? We are free to be small. We are free to not take up space. We are free to humble ourselves. We are free to let others take up space while we learn to decrease as God increases. That is good news. Constantly trying to assert

ourselves is tiring, as is all worship of the God of self, by the way. God's yoke is easy and his burden is light. He promises that, but the yoke and burden of the God of self is difficult and heavy. So be free from trying to feeling like you constantly have to assert yourself and take up space. be content with God being glorified in your life that is a much grander adventure than self-assertion will ever grant you. Myth number three, final myth, your feelings are valid. Now, we've talked about this a lot as well. We actually did a whole episode. I think it's called All the Feels. It was a couple weeks ago. And so I won't spend too much time on this particular myth, but I do want to add some thoughts that I didn't add in that episode. If you do want to listen to that episode,

please go back and listen to it. But myth number three, your feelings are valid. Yes, your feelings are real because they exist, but they are not all valid. Valid literally means having a grounding in reality and truth. And I think all of us, if we're honest, know that not every single one of our feelings has a grounding in reality or truth. Some of our feelings are downright irrational. Emotions are not inherently bad. They're actually part of our human makeup as image bearers of God. God himself shows emotions throughout the Bible from anger and regret, as Genesis 6 says, to joy and to sympathy. But they can lead us astray.

Jeremiah 179 says that the heart is desperately wicked or sick and that we can't understand it. So we can acknowledge our emotions without following our hearts. And we discern which emotions are valid and which are not by weighing them against the word of God. We discern which emotions are good and which are not by weighing them. against the word of God. I got an interesting email the other day from someone who told me that their emotions and living in this constant, this constant self-love over-emotional kind of toxic

place and their life where they're almost, they're almost obsessed with not everyone, obviously, who is depressed is like this. But unfortunately, a lot of young women are brought into this world of obsessing over depression or wanting to be depressed or wanting to be anxious or being addicted to therapy in some way. And again, this certainly is not true for everyone who goes to therapy. I've been helped by counseling, but it's almost become trendy, sadly, to be depressed and anxious and all of this. And I got an email from someone saying, I realized looking back that the music that I was listening to was kind of keeping me in this pit of depression and self-obsession and all of that. And I think it's true that our emotions can be so manipulated by the things that we listen to,

by the things that we read. I was talking to someone the other day. I don't remember who I was talking to, but I was obsessed with Twilight when I was 15. This was like when Twilight first came out. So I had to like wait for New Moon and whatever the third book was to come out. And I was obsessed with these books, totally obsessed with them. But I was also like emotionally, I remember I had to go on some kind of road trip with my family and I was reading the second Twilight book and I was on the verge of tears the entire trip the entire time we were there the entire time we were in the car because I was so emotionally invested in these books and that's not rational like those feelings aren't valid and they actually had some kind of tangible effect

on my life and my mind they can very easily warp how we see reality and so instead of following our hearts, instead of validating all of our feelings, we have to keep them in check. I mean, thank goodness, we have a king of our hearts who is also the source of truth. And so instead of following our feelings, we get to subject our feelings to Christ, which, again, is a huge burden lifted off of our shoulders. The world wants to tell you that worshiping the God of self will make you free, will make you happy. It's the same kind of lie that Satan gave Eve in the Garden of Eden, but really it's so much

more burdenful because you are not a good God. and you are not worth your worship. You are not worth your following. You don't know up from down, right from wrong, true from false, but God does. And his burden is easy. His yoke is easy. And his burden is light. So these are three more myths that Christian women believe today. And maybe I'll have three more next year or even before that. There are so many myths. I won't give away too many myths because I have other myths that I'm going to be tackling in my book that I want you to buy May 5th. And that's all I have today. The next couple of weeks, are going to be a little bit different. We're transitioning a little bit over on relatable

podcast behind the scenes. And so as we are kind of gearing up for the new year, it's going to be a little, a little bit deferred before we really launch into 2020. There are going to be new episodes released. There are going to be a couple replays that are also released. The biggest and best thing that you can do for me, if you love this podcast, is to share this podcast with your friends. So over the next couple weeks, as I'm trying to gear up for some changes that we're making, all good things, by the way, please, if you love this podcast and you want people to listen to it, please share it as much as possible. Not necessarily on social media if you don't want to, although that's always appreciated. Just text it to your friends, talk about it with your family

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