Relatable with Allie Beth Stuckey - Ep 466 | My Birth Story & Biblical Motherhood

Episode Date: August 5, 2021

Today we're finally going to do a deep dive into the topic of motherhood and the theology behind it. Unfortunately, it seems the rise in secular culture has also resulted in many people taking a negative view of having kids. Many people today are concerned about issues like climate change or unstable economy to justify not having kids, while another growing number of people just want to focus on themselves. However, as Christians, we know that children are a blessing and a credit to society, not a debit. We also know that married Christian couples who can have kids are called to do so by the Bible. Then, we get personal with birth stories about two kids as well as a few pieces of advice for new mothers. --- Today's Sponsors: Annie's Kit Clubs helps you take a monthly craft retreat, hassle free, with Creative Woman Club. Go to AnniesKitClubs.com/ALLIE & save 50% on your first kit today! Gabi gets you a better insurance — compare your current coverage with 40 of the top insurance providers! Put your policy to the test - go to Gabi.com/RELATABLE for a free check, no obligation! Good Ranchers safely delivers American craft beef and better-than-organic chicken right to your door! Go to GoodRanchers.com/ALLIE to get an additional $20 off & free express shipping - use code 'ALLIE' at checkout! --- Show Notes: Allie's Recommended Resources: https://alliebethstuckey.com/2020/08/15/recommended-resources/ --- Buy Allie's book, You're Not Enough (& That's Okay): Escaping the Toxic Culture of Self-Love: https://alliebethstuckey.com/book Relatable merchandise: https://shop.blazemedia.com/collections/allie-stuckey

Hey, this is Steve Day. If you're listening to Allie, you already understand that the biggest issues facing our country aren't just political. They're moral, spiritual, and rooted in what we believe is true about God, humanity, and reality itself. On the Steve Day show, we take the news of the day and tested against first principles, faith, truth, and objective reality. We don't just chase narratives and we don't offer false comfort.

We ask the hard questions and follow the answers wherever they leave, even when it's unpopular. This is a show for people who want honesty over hype and clarity over chaos. If you're looking for commentary grounded in conviction and unwilling to lie to you about where we are or where we're headed, you can watch this D-Day show right here on Blaze TV or listen wherever you get podcasts. I hope you'll join us. Hey, guys, welcome to Relatable. Happy Thursday. As promised, today we are talking about motherhood. I told you guys a few weeks ago that we were going to do this episode.

And unfortunately, I've had to put it off a few times because there's been a lot going on. that we've needed to address. But finally, here it is. We are going to talk about what culture says about motherhood, what scripture says about motherhood, and how I believe Christians are called to think about it and represent it in light of those two things. And if I have time, I'm going to give you some practical things that I've learned being a mom of two young kids, a toddler and a newborn, for those of you who are entering that stage or who will one day be in that stage. First, I kind of want to set the scene of where we are in this cultural, political, even spiritual moment when it comes to parenting.

We are living in a day when women are told that the most important thing for us to do in life is not to be a mom and not necessarily even to have a career. not to have a bunch of solid friendships or be a responsible citizen or a contributing community member. None of these things, we're told, are paramount. The most important thing we hear is to find ourselves, to love ourselves, to empower ourselves. Go on Instagram and you will see no shortage of posts from self-care accounts dedicated to pithy mantras from strangers about how beautiful and awesome we are, how it's a privilege for anyone to be a part of our lives, telling us that we're perfect the way that we are and that anyone or anything who makes us feel uncomfortable or

inconvenienced or challenged or offended in any way is toxic and should be cut out of our lives. All of our character flaws we hear and moral failures are actually just cute quirks that people around us are expected to excuse and accept. But all of the flaws, and failures of other people are worthy of our condemnation and our excommunication in the name of drawing boundaries and protecting our mental health. And the message is that you will find fulfillment when you throw off the opinions of these other people, the oppressive systems that are designed to keep women down like capitalism and the patriarchy, the mean things that people have said to you throughout your life, all the negative experiences that you've had. And you dig deep

inside to find the inner goddess that is waiting to be unleashed and untamed. There are lots of contradictory ideas inherent in these messages. I actually dedicated a whole book to them called You're Not Enough and that's okay, escaping the toxic culture of self-love. And some of those contradictory messages are if all you did today was get out of bed, even though you had a whole list of responsibilities, that's enough. but also we hear you're a tough woman who can do anything that you set your mind to and you can do hard things. We hear you're perfect the way that you are, but at the same time, we hear it's time to

do the work of fill in the blank with some social justice cause and recognize your fill in the blank with some sort of perceived privilege. We hear that you're enough. We also hear at the same time, you need to add my book or podcast or program to your life to be more and better. And we can just be specific about this. You see this kind of messaging from people like Rachel Hollis, Glennon Doyle, Bray Brown, and other people who brand themselves as vaguely Christian-esque, but who are really kind of Christiani meets girl boss meets mental health counselor meets new age guru. And we are attracted to this stuff because plainly some of it is absolutely true because they give some good advice because they make some good advice. Because they make

some great points because they're amazing communicators and writers because they make us feel things because they uncover some things that we didn't see before because some of their content is cathartic some of it is truly empowering some of it is practical some of it is really healing but most of all they give us this addicting sense of being in control they give us the feeling that if we could just do or think a certain way we really could manifest all the things that we desire in life the implicit and sometimes explicit idea within these messages is that who we are deep down inside us is inherently good and powerful and capable of amazing, miraculous things that we're able to accomplish all of our dreams if it weren't for all of the obstacles put in our way by other

people and outside factors and that we actually deserve to throw off all of these obstacles to get to that good, powerful, self-sufficient goddess and through self-love manifest all that she desires. Now, I'm not saying that everyone I listed intentionally conveys these messages. I'm not trying to ascribe to them any malintent, but I've talked to enough people. I've read, watched, and listened to enough of that kind of content over the past few years to know what lessons women are often, not always, but often walking away with. And like I said, I wrote a book about why much of those ideas or many of those ideas are anti-biblical, anti-gospel, and consequently meaningless at best and deadly at worst. But the troublesome takeaway that I want to point to

today as it pertains to the subject of this episode is the idea of entitlement to our dreams and desires that comes with what we're told is a necessary journey to knowing and loving ourselves. because if our ultimate goal in life as women is to know and love ourselves, if we are truly entitled to all the goals and dreams that come with this self-actualization, then we view anything that sucks up our time and our energy in another direction as a distraction, as a burden, and that will inevitably include our children. Now, I know what some of you might be thinking, that none of the women that I either listed in probably none of the accounts on Instagram explicitly talk about abandoning your kids

for your job or your dreams. And for what it's worth, like I am confident that Hollis and Doyle and Brown all love their children very much and have sacrificed a lot for their kids and that they do not intend to encourage mothers to resent their children. And yet, at least from what I've seen, from my perspective, I see that resentment, whether overt or not, as an unintended consequence of many of the ideas perpetuated by the self-love industry. And we're going to get more specifically into those ideas and that logic and how it's damaging in just one second. Hey, this is Steve Day.

If you're listening to Allie, you already understand that the biggest issues facing our country aren't just political. They're moral, spiritual, and rooted in what we believe is true about God, humanity, and reality itself. On the Steve Day show, we take the news of the day and tested against first principles, faith, truth, and objective reality. We don't just chase narratives. don't offer false comfort, we ask the hard questions and follow the answers wherever they leave,

even when it's unpopular. This is a show for people who want honesty over hype and clarity over chaos. If you're looking for commentary grounded in conviction and unwilling to lie to you about where we are or where we're headed, you can watch this T-Day show right here on Blaze TV or listen wherever you get podcasts. I hope you'll join us. So you can kind of see the logic that I'm talking about. If self-elevation is the goal, then self-sacrifice is a detriment to that. that goal. And there is nothing more self-sacrificial than motherhood. I have a good feeling that most of you have come across this attitude, whether you've seen it in Facebook groups or on Instagram or listen to it in a podcast or read it in a book. We call it in the book that I wrote

Toxic Mommy Culture. And that includes, but is not limited to moms who joke about how their kids are brats and burdens who talk about needing alcohol to cope with the stress of motherhood. there is this sense that motherhood is something that happens to women, that we are victims of motherhood and our kids, rather than beneficiaries of them, that once we become moms, we temporarily lose ourselves and who we really are, and that it takes work to find ourselves in our true identity again, which means seeing our kids as a deterrent to our self-fulfillment and success and scooting them out of the way in one way or another, however temporarily, so we can reach that paramount goal of knowing and loving and manifesting our best selves.

Let me be clear about something because I can hear some pushback on this part. There is nothing wrong with sincere transparency and vulnerability about the difficulties, the stress, and at times the downright exhaustion of motherhood, especially if you're suffering from depression and anxiety. But what I'm saying is that the cumulative effect of the pervasiveness of these kinds of publicized, thoughtless, negative jokes and comments about babies, kids, and motherhood is a cultural shift toward viewing children as a debit rather than a credit not just to your own life, but also to society.

And we are living in a cultural and political moment. in the United States especially when having children and starting a family is not a goal that a lot of young people have. There was a really interesting poll conducted by the Federalist last year of 1,600 randomly selected people from the ages of 13 to 22 that found that they are far more likely to believe that buying a house and making a lot of money is an important goal, is a more important goal than having children. And just to be perfectly fair, you can't expect a 14-year-olds to be thinking about having kids yet, and that's fine, because our minds and our priorities change as we age. That's perfectly normal. But there is no doubt in my mind that young people

on social media are impacted by. Their minds are shaped by how motherhood is portrayed on Instagram and elsewhere. And sometimes it's portrayed very positively, and that's great. But I would say there is a growing body of influence on social media that is very negative towards motherhood, even if it's done in a way that is presented as a joke. It also says this poll that their highest goal is actually to make a lot of money. And if that is true, if their highest school is to make a lot of money and kids are presented as a detriment to that, then you could see why procreating can often go to the wayside. young people. One interesting thing to note in this survey is that the group most likely to say

that having kids is very important is the group that attends church at least once a month. 60% versus 45% of those who go to church less than once a month. 58%ish of identifying conservatives say that it's important to have kids. Again, this is 13 to 22 years old versus 45% of identifying progressive. So it's just interesting. how your world view affects that. Antinatalism is a movement that has picked up steam in the past decade, which holds that we need to stop having children because of overpopulation and climate change and the exploitation of natural resources. The anti-natalism Reddit threat, our Reddit group, has 117,000 members as of today, as of this morning when I was writing

this. And if you read some of the post, in that group, your heart will absolutely break. Here is one snippet that I read this morning. I'm deep in the grief of antinatalism. I have such a biological and or socially conditioned desire to have my own child. At the same time, I know I cannot go through with these deep-seated desires. I know it because life is suffering that I can't possibly procreate, but still I grieve it. And it seems nonsense. I'm in a space where I'm in a space where I'm in a space where I'm, can have an abortion if I need to. I can make money like no one's business. I can give back to society in so many ways. But my biological desire is to procreate. I know this is wrong. This person says

it's made harder by the fact that all my best friends have had kids. I feel like I can't talk to them because of my views and I have nowhere to discuss and dissect my bio desires versus my rational mind. I feel like I'm hiding part of myself when we talk and I don't know whether to disclose this part of me or not. Oh, girl, I wish I could meet you and share the gospel with you. If by chance you happen to be listening to this or watching this, there is hope in Jesus Christ. And I hope that you will finish this episode because we will talk more about that. But this despair that I see in this comment just breaks my heart. It breaks my heart. The world is scary. The future is unknown, but there is a God who created you and holds it in his hands and he is trustworthy.

That is what I would say to this person if she were right in front of me. Someone, though, responded in a very different way to this comment on the antinatalist thread on Reddit. I also sometimes have fleeting thoughts about having biological kids. They are very superficial thoughts, such as wanting to see how my offspring would look like, picking out baby names, et cetera. I snap out of it quickly, though. And then I realize that my biological urges that I have are just merely iraspercial

thoughts that will eventually go away. A good way to combat this mindset is to think about the future for your kids. Is this the world you really want to bring your child into? Where they will most likely experience things such as climate change, the bad economy, accidents, illness. This is so sad. Another response on this threat is it's natural that we have this desire. It's literally programmed in us. The way antinatalism is different from being just child free is that an antinatalist might want to have a kid and love that kid, but they know it's wrong. Many people just assume that we hate children and want them to die. Like, no, we love them. That's why we're antinatalist. Sometimes I find myself having baby fever, but TBH when I imagine getting a pet, I feel the same kind of

happiness, which I'm thankful for. I mean, if that doesn't just punch you in the gut, I don't know what will. So antinatalists believe that it is morally wrong to have biological children for reasons including but not limited to the ones that I listed. Some may differ from and others may overlap with what I'd call the child free movement who take issue with being called child less because they are choosing not to have kids, not necessarily because they think it's morally wrong to have kids, but because they just don't want kids. We talked about the other day on this podcast that Harry and Megan received an

award from a British charity called Population Matters for their very, quote, enlightened decision to have only two children. We just, I guess, ignore the fact that they have a huge carbon footprint. They've got an 18,000 square foot mansion and, of course, fly private. But that's a whole different segment for a different day. There was a TikTok that went viral. The other day of a progressive young woman calling people who want to have sex for the reasons of procreation, people with a, quote, breeding kink. There was another very popular TikTok video of a progressive woman talking about how much she truly hates kids. And then, interestingly, though, I saw another progressive respond to that video, pondering why it's always left-wing people who openly

talk about their disdain for kids when kids are the most marginalized group in the world with question by far. Now, I thought that was a very interesting and good and compelling pondering by that progressive who responded to the anti-child video. And I would say it's just, it's something to think about, especially if you identify as on that side of the aisle. And even though these are just a few examples, there is absolutely a pervasive attitude among progressive young people, as is so a painfully apparent on social media. It's also among pro-abortion groups that having kids is something that you should not do and that kids are just annoyances. They're like a boil on the back of the world. They're a scourge to society. Pro-abortion groups, many of which I've talked

about on Instagram and on this podcast, which openly, brazenly celebrate aborting babies, also very much contribute to this mindset, the mindset that children are expendable and that women become victims of motherhood when they're impregnated and thus have the right to liberate themselves from that victimhood through the murder of her child. America aborts around a million babies every year. Many of them are aborted using our taxpayer dollars. And while that number has declined in recent years, thank the Lord. The attitude about them. abortion, among abortion advocates, has certainly become more brazen and downright nasty. So I have no doubt that this collective mentality about babies and children and pregnancy

has contributed to the declining birth rate in the West. The National Center for Health Statistics found that there has been a steep decline in the birth rate in the United States of the United States since 2005. And if you're watching on YouTube, we'll put a graph up among 20 to 24 year old women, the birth rate has declined by 40 percent, 40 percent since 2007. And hey, I had my first baby at 27. So I'm not saying that it's bad to have kids above the age of 24. I'm just saying that it's a significant statistic when we're looking at how much we have changed, how much our priorities have shifted in the last decade plus alone. I mean, we are barely replacing the dying population, meaning that there are only slightly more births every year than deaths. And in several states, more people die than are born, which is obviously a problem if you want to contribute or if you want to continue as a civilization and contribute anything meaningful to the world.

According to the world socialist website, I know interesting resource, but they compile data from the Associated Press on this. They found that, quote, the general fertility rate in 2020 was 55.8 births per 1,000 women, aged 15 to 44 in the United States, also down 4% from 2019 and marking a new record low for the country.

The comparable figures were 59.1 in 2018 and 58.2 in 2019, so the decline is accelerating sharply. The drop in 2020 was more than twice the decline in 2019. last year's rate was the lowest since the federal government began tracking it more than a century ago. This is a pattern that we are seeing predominantly in the West, by the way. Countries in Africa still have a very high fertility in birth rate. There are likely many other factors that may be contributing to this in Western civilization, economic factors, for example.

But my hypothesis is that the decline is mostly spiritual, moral, cultural, cultural, cultural, rather than primarily economic or political, that as we become less churched, less religious, more secular, more godless, more progressive, which every survey finds that we are going in that direction, we also become more self-centered, more fearful, and more susceptible to anti-family propaganda. And my other hypothesis is that this will be a vicious cycle as negative attitudes about families rise, the birth rate will continue to decline. As the birth rate continues to decline, negative attitudes about families and kids will rise. And I want to do some debunking about some of these fears that people have, some of the reasons that people have to deprioritize having kids or put kids

off to the side or treat motherhood is something that women are victimized by rather than something that they are blessed by. So like I said, we're going to do some debunking of some of these things. First, let us note this overpopulation myth, because it is a myth. As the population grows, innovation also develops. We find more ways to sustain people. That's one of the benefits of capitalism because every human being has the opportunity to be a credit to society rather than a debit. I also want to caveat that, though, by saying that the Christian worldview of views

everyone is made in the image of God and we don't place value on people based on what they can physically or intellectually contribute to society. We believe that, you know, the weakest person, physically weak or intellectually or mentally is more valuable than any other non-human creature in the world. And so we believe that everyone is made with equal value, made in the image of God. But we also believe that their mere existence and the contribution of most human beings is a credit to the world rather than something that takes away from the world. Also, it's important to note with this argument of overpopulation, heavily populated cities and the fact that cities often run out of space and resources and even heavily populated

countries does not mean that we have an overpopulated world. So that's kind of a fallacy that we see a lot. Second thing that I want to address for the Christian, knowledge of the sovereigns. grantee of God over all of the universe, all of creation, all of the environment, all of the changes in the climate, every day of our lives, every second of every day of our lives, all birth, all death, juxtaposed with his directive in Genesis to be fruitful and multiply for married people and the very clear teaching throughout the old and the New Testament that children are not a burden but a blessing, not having kids, A, for the sake of the environment, or B, out of fear

of the future and or see because we have our own personal goals we want to reach or list we want to check off is not biblical. Now, you may not be able to have biological children. You may not be married. And those two stations in life can absolutely lead to a fulfilled blessed life that glorifies God remarkably if what God says through Paul, the Apostle Paul is true that it's better to be single than to be married if you can refrain from sexual immorality while. single so that you can dedicate yourself fully to Christian ministry, then it is also not biblical to say that people who are unmarried and without kids or those who are physically incapable of having kids are somehow being disobedient or are missing out on a full Christian life.

But we do not see, and I know this is controversial to say, even in Christian circles. We do not see any biblical support for being married and simply choosing not to have children for fear of the future or overpopulation or because you're afraid they will take away from your life and inhibit you from manifesting your dreams. Psalm 127 through through five. Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb, a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them. He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate. Everywhere in Scripture, We see pregnancy and fertility as a good thing, as something to be celebrated.

Jesus himself demonstrated that children are not annoyances, but people to be welcomed, to be shepherded, attended to, and that their innocence and faith are actually representations of what faith in all of us should look like as Christians. Matthew 19, 13 through 15, then children were brought to him that he might lay his hands on them and pray. The disciples rebuked the people. But Jesus said, let the little children come to me and do not hinder them. For to such belongs to the kingdom of heaven.

And he laid his hands on them and went away. So children are a blessing. We are called to see them as such, to talk about them as such, to treat them as such. Again, that doesn't mean that everyone will have kids. It doesn't mean that we can't talk about how hard parenting is at times. But it does mean that we are to view children as God views children. The Bible refers to Christians as children of God, 1 John 3 1, and Gentile Christians specifically as adopted children of God, Ephesians 1 5, which shows that not just having

biological children is an earthly depiction of the gospel, but also that adoption is a depiction of the redemptive, the saving grace of the gospel. God uses parenting, biological or adoptive, to teach us what the God, gospel the greatest news in history is. And that gospel, that good news tells us something else, not just about motherhood, but about our lives, about our purpose, which is not to know and to love ourselves and to follow our hearts, but to know and to love and to follow Christ. There is not a powerful inner goddess buried deep down inside you waiting to be unleashed and untaint. society and systems are not standing in the way of manifesting your true self. You are not a victim of motherhood.

Your greatest burden and biggest problem as a woman is not insecurity and is not other people's harsh opinions about you. Ephesians 2, Ephesians 4, Romans 6, Romans 8, Colossians 3 all tell us exactly who we are. And ultimately, there are really only two options for this. We are sinners bound for hell or saints bound for heaven. either have a heart of stone or a heart of flesh. We are either the old self living in the flesh or we are the new self living in the spirit. We are either dead in sin or alive in Christ. And how we go from one identity to the other is, as Ephesians 2 8 through 10 says, by grace through faith in Christ, who gives us his identity, who gives us his righteousness, his perfection, his purity, his sufficiency, and makes us new. Not merely better or improved,

but new people, reconciled to a holy God so that we can have fellowship with and freedom in him now and forever. Christ himself gives us our identity when by grace through faith we become his disciples, which means a couple things. Number one, like I said, I don't have an inner goddess waiting to be let out because if I did, I wouldn't need a savior, but John 316 tells me I do. Number two, it is impossible for me to, quote, lose myself in marriage or in motherhood. Yes, it's possible to be burned out. It's possible to realize that you're trying to be something that you're not. It's possible that you've allowed yourself to forget all the good, fun, hobbies, or habits

that make you tick and make you happy in seasons of extreme busyness. But as a Christian, and this is such a relief, you can't be lost because you've been found once and for all by Jesus, who, as Matthew 1812 says, left the 99 sheep to come and find you, the one lost sheep, who, like the father of the prodigal son and Luke 15 came running for you, even after you'd rebelled and you'd gone astray. You are found. You're identified. You're given a name and a purpose in Christ that no system, no responsibility, no role,

no obstacle, no bit of stress can ever take away from you. You may fill many roles in this life, but who you ultimately are can never be taken away because the God who made you and who made the universe gave it to you and nothing can snatch you out of his hand. That empowerment, that sufficiency, that rest and renewal and rejuvenation, that you're trying and failing to find in yourself in Instagram accounts and self-help books and podcasts that make you simultaneously, strangely feel both free and burdened and both motivated and held back, is found in Jesus who died to save you because you are not enough, because you're not a goddess, because you're not perfect the way you are. He is your saving grace,

your sanctification, your sustenance, your strength, and he has and will continue to completely equip you and me to mother our children. He holds your future, my future, their future in his steady hands. They are yours to steward to care for, to love, and to point toward him, and there is nothing that the world needs more than wise, godly, loving, brave people being ambassadors for Christ, that includes you and your kids. The world is really dark. It's really scary, and the future is totally unknown to us. But the only one who knows exactly what that future holds and has seen every single gruesome part of human history tells us in scripture that having kids is a blessing. And the responsibility and sacrifice that comes with having kids is, as hard as I know

it is, especially for those of you who are way beyond me, who have lots of kids, or you have kids with special needs, which I won't pretend that right now I can relate to what I do know because I can see the objective truth of scriptures, that all of it is worth it. So in short, having kids, if you can have them is good. And Christians must set an example and showing the world what joyful, thankful, fearless, bold, godly parenting looks like. We refuse to contribute to the mindset that having kids is something to put off or put away for the sake of ourselves or some greater problem that we think will be solved by not having

kids. Motherhood is an incredible experience, the love that you feel, and I've said this so many times before, but I'm just reminded of it every minute of every day. The love that you feel when your child is born is unlike anything that you ever felt in your life. Now, if you don't have kids, I know that you think you can imagine it because I thought that I could imagine it too. And you can in some like intangible way, but you can't really know what it's like until it happens to you. And the best way to describe it is it feels like a tidal wave crashing over. you and you know in an instant when they lay that baby on your chest that you would give

anything for the well-being of this little person all the hopes all the fears that you had for yourself are transferred onto them you would sacrifice anything you would endure anything just to ensure that they are happy and whole it is a heartbreaking a gut-wrenching love you love them so much that you can physically feel it in the deepest parts of you even when it's hard even when your patience is thin even when you're super tired even when you're super tired even when you're stressed out, even when they disobey you, even when they test your limits, your love for them is absolutely unshakable. It is different than the love that you have for your spouse or your parents or your friends or my goodness, your pet. It is beyond comprehension. And I just want to,

well, I want to insert a couple of things. Number one, justice Christians have to set an example in joyful and godly motherhood. The church also has to set an example in what it actually means to be a woman and we have to be crystal clear and as bold as ever in something that really didn't take any clarity or boldness on just a few years ago that motherhood is exclusive to women that it is that a woman who is pregnant is not a gestator um she's not a pregnant person but that she is a woman she's not just a lactator uh she is a woman who is sustaining a child with her body for nine months and then even after that as she continues to nourish that little person, that is a gift, that is a blessing, that is a responsibility that God has given exclusively to women. That doesn't mean that you're

less of a woman if that's something that you don't do that doesn't happen to you in life and that you don't take part of in life, but it is something that is exclusive to women. And if we care about women, if we care about motherhood, if we care about honoring and seeing women as I believe Jesus did, then we also, as a church, have to set an example in being so clear and so bold that motherhood is something that only women get to do. This is not a gender fluid business here. And so we rely on science. We rely on the word of God to be clear about that. The church throughout history has had the opportunity. It sometimes has taken the opportunity. It sometimes has not taken the opportunity to be a refuge for the most vulnerable.

That is typically has been throughout history, women and children. And in order to be that refuge for women, we have to be able to define what a woman is. And we define it as God defines it, which is not by some intangible and strange and postmodern definition of gender identity and self-identity and self-declaration, but by sex. That is what Genesis 1 tells us. and we have to stand firm on that. My other insert in this motherhood spiel is to remind you that the government, any government entity,

including public schools, or really any entity, government or not, but especially the government, is not apparent to your child. The state does not know your child. I said this recently. I'm saying it again. The state does not love your child. The state does not care about your child. The state does not know your child's name or their favorite meal.

or their birthday or their likes or their dislikes. It is not the state that will wake up at the middle of the night when your child cries. It is not bureaucrats who will rock them to sleep at night or comfort them when they're sad or help them when they're hurt. It was not on the government's chest that the doctor lay that baby when he was born. It wasn't the government who grew that child for nine months and sustained him with its own body. It wasn't the government who sacrificed everything to find and adopt that child. It was you.

It is you. It is your sole right, your sole responsibility to raise your child, to steward your child, to teach them your values, to disciple your child in the Lord. Yes, there are terrible, of course, irresponsible, unloving, abusive parents out there. I'm not speaking to them right now. We know that exists, unfortunately, because evil exists. I'm speaking to you. Mom who loves and cares for her kids. The government doesn't get a say in your child's life. You have been given this role by God. You've been given the tools by God. The government is not our parent.

It's not our nanny. It's not our caretaker. It's not our arbiter of truth and morality. And it sure is heck, it's not our God. Resist with all of your might, any effort to indoctrinate your child with ungodly ideologies to convince your child of that which is not good and right and true. To subvert your responsibility as the primary faith trainer and caretaker of your child, take this job as a mom, which I know all of you already do.

I'm just encouraging you. seriously. Because if you have not noticed, and this has been true for all of human history, this is not new, the world has it out for your kids. Satan, I know some people are uncomfortable by, uncomfortable with any mention of Satan, but he's real. Ephesians 2 says he's the prince of the power of the air. He has his sights set on your children to use them and to conform them to his own image. The world wants to conform your children to its own image. if the recent trends that we have seen in cartoons and the messages that we're seeing in some curriculum in school is any indication of what direction the world wants your kids to go,

I would highly recommend waking up to that if you haven't taken notice of it already. And because as Christians, we know that there's no neutral ground. that is C.S. Lewis says the whole universe is either claimed by Christ or counterclaimed by Satan until the day Jesus returns to rightfully take all of it. We understand that we must always be vigilant, must always be discerning, must always be careful, not over-apparing, not insulating them from all of reality, not pretending like the real world and other forms of thought and beliefs don't exist, but diligently teaching them what is true, what is good, what is beautiful, what is right, teaching them how to think, how to discern, how to ask questions.

We have to do everything that we can to give our kids a biblical education before they start school while they're in school, when they're at home. And we do this from a place of love for them and for God, not from a place of fear and anxiety. God tells us time and again not to fear, not to be anxious. That's the same God who knows exactly the direction that the country is going to go, the direction that the world is going to go. He still tells us not to fear. We know God is totally sovereign over our lives, over their lives.

And while I do not pretend to have anything close to the wisdom that some of you who have been mothers and grandmothers for decades have, I do have some advice just from the vantage point that I have and the experience that I've gained so far. So I do want to end with just some, you know, practical things just from my perspective. All right. So I wanted to give a little bit of advice from my perspective. I know a lot of you have been asking me to give my birth stories and I've, you know, tried to decide whether, whether or not I'm going to do that.

You know, I don't consider myself obviously an influencer because I'm not an influencer. So I don't necessarily talk about a ton of personal things in my life. Now, this podcast is called Relatable. And I think the remarkable thing actually about it is how many of you tell me that you feel like, you know, we're friends and that you know. know me and that this is a relatable podcast, even though most of the things that we're talking about have nothing to do with our personal lives and everything to do with, you know, big picture stuff like theology and politics and culture. And so I love that. I love that you guys feel like this is

a community, feel like we are friends. I feel the same way. By the way, I feel like I am friends with you guys. And I'm very glad that we kind of have that we have that community surrounding relatable without me, you know, talking about everything that's going on in my life. because as you guys know, if you follow me on Instagram, I very much value my family's privacy. I value my kids' privacy a whole lot. And I don't shame at all. People who share more than I do on social media. That's just not something that I am going to do. It's something I'm very dedicated to to protect my family as much as I can while still, you know, having the privilege of being able to talk with you guys about things that matter and sometimes, you know, controversial issues. I will

However, I'll share briefly the birth stories because it's wrapped up in some advice that I have for you guys. Those of you, this is really for those of you who haven't given birth. So if you're pregnant or you're planning on getting pregnant sometime soon, this is really for you. Or maybe it's for you. This is your second child and you need some advice. I'm not pretending to know everything about this subject.

I just know what I know from the experiences that I have. So first baby, I just didn't know really. me think about birth. Everyone in my life from my sister's in law to my mom, grandmother had had normal pregnancies, normal birth. I had no reason to think that mine would be any different. And I did have a very healthy pregnancy. I went to 41 weeks and I went against my doctor's wishes who wanted to induce really for no medical reason except that he just liked to induce people at 39 or women at 39 weeks. And I, you know, pushed until 41 weeks. She was totally healthy. And that ended up in a C-section for what they call failure to progress because I got induced at 40

weeks and five days. And it just, we just weren't ready yet. And so, yeah, that ended in a C-section, really for no medical reason beyond like, oh, okay, well, we're, almost 41 weeks until we probably need to get the baby out. Now, if I had researched more, if I had realized the high C-section rate of that particular doctor in that particular hospital, if I realized that, hey, there's no medical reason for the C-section. My baby's heart rate is fine. She's doing great. There's enough amniotic fluid. I'm doing fine. My blood pressure is fine. There are really no health problems here. Then I would have waited longer. Like, there was no medical reason. And I'm not just saying that flippantly, I know that for sure at this point.

that there was no medical reason for that, but I just didn't know. We didn't know a lot. And that's the case for a lot of first-time moms. You don't know and you trust the people at the hospital, which I'm not saying they're all completely untrustworthy. But unfortunately, a lot of times doctors will go for the easiest option for them and not necessarily the best option for the mom and the baby and C-sections because everything is so controlled or sometimes preferred by doctors.

Now, a lot of times C-sections are totally necessary. And I think it's a, you know, it's amazing technology. and an amazing medical advancement that women who do need C-sections, babies who need C-sections, can get them. And there's such a high, you know, survival rate that didn't used to be the case. When people first started doing C-sections, the mortality rate really until, like, I'm pretty sure it was the early 20th century was like 80% mortality rate for moms who had C-section. That's obviously not the case anymore. And I think God for that medical advancement. But unfortunately, in the United States, it's used for reasons that are not medically necessary. And so women undergo a

procedure that they didn't really want, that they didn't plan for. And that unfortunately, they have to very painfully recover from, especially if it was not necessary. And that was true for me. That was a very hard recovery. It was very painful. And I just was so determined after that. I mean, everything postpartum ended up being totally fine. Breastfeeding was fine for me. The connection was fine. Some people struggle with that after C-section. That didn't happen for me. Everything was fine. I knew, though, that I wanted to try a V-back the second time around, and that is a vaginal birth after cesarean. And I know there's going to be some people out there that are like, oh, that's so dangerous. Trust me that I wasn't just, I wasn't doing this alone. I didn't go to some like backwards, like midwifery,

some like, you know, woo-woo place. I was still in a hundred. hospital and I had a doctor and midwives and a team of people that really knew what they were doing and believed in me and thought that I had a really good chance of having a V-back. And the first time I didn't go into labor at all. Like I didn't have any progress whatsoever. And I won't get into the anatomical details of all of that because of, you know, people who maybe squirmish and listening. But if you're a mom, you know what I'm talking about by it didn't progress any at all in my first, in my first birth by the time I got induced or even after being on Potocin. And so I really, really wasn't even sure if I could go into labor. I was like, maybe there is something wrong with me.

My first doctor said, you know, you might just have something wrong with you. You might not be able to go into labor. And that kind of stuff really sticks with you. Like, if you're a labor and delivery nurse and if you're an OBGYN, realize that what you say to women when they are giving birth sticks with them forever. I know it might be your 1,000th birth that you have attended or you've been a part of. And so you don't think it's that big of a deal as long as everyone is happy and healthy in the end or a few months later, then you feel like you've done your job well. I would push back on that and say that that's not true. Like women remember their births forever. And there are a lot of things that maybe you don't remember because it's a blur and everything

happened so quickly. But there are a few things that they will remember. They will remember if they feel like they didn't have a choice. They will remember if they feel like they weren't listened to. They will remember if they feel like they were pressured. They will remember if they feel like they were condescended or belittled in any way. They will remember if you say something that makes them feel like they are defective. I mean, I'm not saying that you have to be overly sensitive to the point of not being able to speak what is medically true and scientifically true to that person, but hold your tongue when you can because women remember everything negative, usually that you say to them that was unnecessary during birth. So just be careful about

that. Second time around, though, I felt a lot more equipped because I listened to a lot of podcasts. I did a lot of reading. I was much more prepared for this birth. And thank the Lord, I did go into labor. So I went into labor at 41 weeks. So I'm just someone that goes past the so-called due date. And if you know anything about birth and pregnancy, you know, due date is really just a guest date that women, you know, often go to 42 weeks pregnant, which is another thing I did not know in my first pregnancy. So I went, I wanted to go into labor naturally. I didn't want to get induced. Getting induced actually lowers your chance of having a successful V-back. And so I went into labor naturally. I actually thought that I was in labor because I was having, I think I was like at 40 weeks, five days at this

point. Maybe I don't remember. But I started having contractions and they started getting more intense and they started getting close together. And I went to, so we went to the hospital because they were like 45 seconds apart, but they weren't that intense looking back. I realized. And they were like, yeah, well, actually, no, I, so at first they told, they said, they checked me and they said, oh yeah, you're having, you're having the baby. You're having the baby right now. And, or not right now, but in the next few hours. And then I got checked again and they're like, oh, no, you need to go home. What are you, what are you even doing here? And so I did go home. The contraction stopped for about 24 hours. And then they came back with a vengeance. And they were super close together. And they were really

intense. And so at this, at this time, yeah, I was 41 weeks. Yeah, I was 41 weeks when I started having really intense contractions. And then I realized, okay, this is a huge difference from what I felt before. And so I knew it was the real deal. But something super strange happened when I was at home, I all of a sudden got very intense chills. And I got a fever. And then my water broke. And I knew that something wasn't right. Like I didn't, I just didn't feel well. Like I felt sick, but I had never gone into labor before. So I thought maybe this is, maybe this is normal. And I really didn't want to go to the hospital again and have them turn me away. And so I really, I just didn't want to, I didn't want to go. But the pain was so intense. I had really intense back labor. And if you don't know anything about

back labor, it is when instead of the contractions being in your abdomen, being in the front, they're in like your lower back. And that happens typically when the baby is what they call sunny side up or O-P, so they're facing up rather than facing, you know, towards your back. And so I had super intense back labor. And my plan was to not get an epidural. Sweet, sweet plan, naive plan of my. My plan was to go all-natural. You who have gone all-natural, more power to you. I think that's awesome. I wish I could have done that. I knew. I knew before we left our house and when my water broke, I was like, I am getting an epidural as soon as I get to the hospital. It took 45 minutes to get to the hospital, guys.

So that was tough. I mean, oh, my poor husband, he did a great job driving there smoothly, but also as quickly as possible. I don't remember what time it was. I think it was like maybe 11 p.m. at this point. And so we get there and I am one centimeter. And so that is not good. When you're in that much pain and you're only one centimeter.

But long story short, so they give me something for my blood pressure. They give me something for my, uh, for. for my fever. They give me something for the pain. And there were just a lot of different interventions and things that were happening. And unfortunately, the baby's heart rate couldn't come down. It was really high. And even though I had progressed to five centimeters really quickly, we couldn't get the heart rate down and we didn't know what was going on. So unfortunately, I was wheeled into the operating room and I did have a C-section. Now, I am very thankful that I did go into labor naturally. And so, like it's crazy how emotional you can get about this but um it like it really was redemptive in some

ways because when I was told by my first doctor oh you probably have something wrong with you and you just can't go into labor naturally and that really sticks with you and then you kind of prove that wrong by okay I did go into labor naturally like I did dialy I did do the things that that doctor said that my body couldn't do but just something beyond my control happened who knows if it had to do with the different interventions I don't really want to hear from you guys about that. Sorry, but I don't. It's done. So, and I know that there are probably going to get messages about what I should have done differently and all of that. But, you know, it is what it is. And at the time, it was the safest, it was the safest option for us. And I was super sad.

Like, I mean, I had tried so hard for a V-back. I had fought for that. I had researched. I had listened. I had done everything that I could possibly do. But it ended up, I actually had a uterine infection. that made me have a fever, also made the baby have a fever, but we were both totally fine. And actually, if this is any consolation for any of you who are maybe going into like your second C-section, like you know you have to have one, is that like the second recovery was so much better than the first. It was a thousand times better. Like I was up and walking around a couple of days later where as the first time, that was not the case. It took me a really long time to recover like months.

But this time it was like a matter of days and I felt really good. The pain started going away really quickly. I had to be on antibiotics for a long time or like for not a long time, 24 hours. I had to be on IV antibiotics to make sure that my infection went away. But at the time, as sad as it was, the C-section was the correct choice. It was the safest choice. And that was okay.

and like God was totally sovereign over all of that. And I'm so thankful for the doctor and the nurse. And yes, I did have to mourn in some ways like the loss of the vision of the birth that I wanted. And I know that might sound dramatic to some of you. But if you are a mom or you've had a traumatic birth, like you know what I mean by that is that people say it doesn't matter as long as you have, you know, a healthy mom, healthy baby. And that is certainly true. But there are other things that stick with you. There are other things that you also care about.

your births stick with you forever and it matters what kind of experience that you have. So my advice for you and all of that is one, please do your research. Don't just say, well, everyone in my life has had a hospital birth and has had an epidural, so that must be the way that I need to go. Maybe it is. And that's fine. I had two hospital birth. Didn't turn out how I wanted it to, but I was thankful for the hospitals and especially

the second time, the treatment that I received there. but do your research. Like there are other options probably maybe that are better for you. Like there are, you know, there are midwiferies. Some of them operate out of the hospital. Some of them from a birthing center. Some of them from home. I've got friends who have had home births.

I have friends who have had birth center birth. I have friends who have had C-sections. I have had great, you know, inductions in the hospital. And so I certainly have no judgment about the different forms of birth. Just know that there are a lot. lot of different options and I would do your research. If you were someone who has had a C-section in the past, don't just assume that you have to have a C-section again. If you are interested in trying for a V-back, obviously you've got to talk to your doctor and you have to assess your risks and

all that. But don't be scared to look for a supportive provider because they very well may exist and get a second opinion. And also, it's never too late, C-section or not. It's never too late to switch providers. Well, it might be too late at some point, but I thought actually about switching providers at like 36 weeks, and I'm glad that I didn't because it ended up, it ended up being the right care that I needed at the time. But if you are uncomfortable with the provider that you have, if you feel belittal, if you feel condescended, if you don't feel supported, then I recommend switching. I recommend asking around, asking who the best providers are in the area, and seeing if you can switch. I know that's not possible for everyone in

insurance, complications, logistics, and all of that. But don't feel rushed. Like, I've talked to some of you who feel like at 12 weeks you're a rush to find the one provider. You're not in a rush. You've got a long time. If you want to switch at 20 weeks and then again at 36 weeks, if that's what it takes to find you a provider that really supports you and listens to you, then that is personally what I recommend. Now, that is your choice. Do what is best for you and your family and talk to, you know, experts about that thing. But don't feel like you're stuck if you're not really stuck. So that's my recommendation, pregnancy, and birth. There are things that I would have done differently.

I probably would have exercised more and, you know, eat more salads, although I did a much better job the second time. Then the first time, you know, there are a variety of things like that. But my recommendation is to find a good support team and to be as educated as possible and to understand that God has you in his hands and that at the end of the day as much as birth does matter, as much as the experience matters, you will, you know, you holding that baby in your arms will be ultimately, ultimately what matters most. All right. And then just some other little tips that I have for what I've experienced so far in my two years of having babies,

earth side, is do not wait for your child to go to preschool or to Mother's Day Out or certainly to kindergarten to teach them. What I'm amazed by is how, much I've been able to teach my oldest, you know, she's two years old, but we started learning the alphabet and learning numbers and learning shapes and learning all kinds of memorization things before she was one years old. And because of that, like she has a large vocabulary and she has a great understanding of things that I would say probably most two year olds don't because we have been very, very diligent her whole life and teaching her things. And That's not just because she's brilliant, although, of course, I think she is.

It's actually, I think because kids are sponges. And we think that they can't learn things that they actually can. And so I have resources on my website, by the way. I will link it in the description to this podcast on Allibethstocky.com. I've got like a list of resources that I recommend for kids, not just teaching them the alphabet and things like that, but also catechizing your kids. So that's like you ask a question and they answer with some sort of scriptural response. for example, like the first one of our kids' catechism is Who Made You?

The answer is, God made me. And I think that's like as far as we've gotten so far. But it's just a great way to kind of build that foundation, singing songs to them, helps them learn. And just don't assume that your baby and your toddler can't learn things. They are learning all of the time. And so I've just found that repetition and challenging them with things that maybe they can't quite understand yet, but can go back and think about on their own has been really helpful.

And I'm just constantly impressed with what she is able to pick up. And so you don't have to be some, you know, mathematician or wordsmith to teach your toddler things about the Bible or, you know, just basic things that they need to know. I would say, if you can, set them up as well as they can before they go to school. And then also kind of piggybacking on that, disciple, disciple them, share the gospel with them in a way that's age appropriate as much as you as much as you possibly can. They are not going to understand everything right then and that's okay. Lay that foundation right now. I know everyone says this, but it really does go by so fast. It goes by so fast. And I'm only two years in and I can already

tell you that it goes by so fast. And I can already feel that, you know, time seems to even accelerate the older that they get and that we have such a finite amount of time with them. and we're given that responsibility to steward them. Pray for them, pray with them, endlessly without ceasing. The thing that I've prayed for both of my kids is that they would have a fear of the Lord that produces wisdom. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. And I just want them to be able to discern good from evil, right, from wrong, and truth from a lie.

So many people seem to not be able to do that today. And I really want my kids to be able to do that. Another more practical thing, and I know this is a long podcast episode, but I'm almost done. And I know this is going to be a little controversial. And if you don't want to do this, it's fine. I'm just saying it helped us. I think like gentle sleep training of your kids is like a game changer. Now, I'm not talking about some people think of like really harsh things like letting your kid like your newborn cry for an hour.

That is totally not what I'm talking about. I am like a huge softy. I don't know if this comes as a surprise or not, but I'm a huge softie when it comes to my kids. And I would not do that. I would not do that. I'm talking about gentle sleep training by creating patterns and routines that help sleep and even help them fall back to sleep quickly.

I really like taking care of babies. You can find something that works for you. I know some people are anti-sleep training and they're like, oh, it's totally fine. if your kid doesn't sleep through the night until they're four years old. Dude. There are options available for you. If you are getting sleep, if your kid is getting sleep, if your spouse is getting sleep, I promise you, like your life is going to be better. Your marriage might even be better. Now, I know that might not work for everyone and that's fine. I'm saying it worked for us and

praise the Lord for having kids that sleep while. I mean, it's really just, it's really great. Like I said, it's a game changer. Last thing, accept help. People really want to help. When I offer to help someone, it's not because I'm doing it progressively. It's because I really want to. And I'm like, I really want someone to tell me exactly how to help. Like if I say, and sometimes you just offer specific help, you know, when someone needs help,

you say, hey, I'm going to do your laundry or, hey, I'm going to bring you dinner or something like that. If someone does that for you, accept it. They're not doing it because they're not doing it out of a place of like obligation. and they're doing it because they want to, and it actually feels good to bless people. So give people the blessing of being able to bless you. All right.

Actually, one more last thing. One more last thing. Adjustment from one to two kids. If you were about to go through that oldest, it was 21 months when the baby was born. That was hard. It was really hard for her because she just didn't know what to do with a crying baby. She just didn't know what to make of it. she didn't understand what was happening when I was pregnant.

And so when we adjusted, that was difficult. Someone told me, give it three weeks. Give it three weeks and it'll be better. And that was absolutely true. It took time. It just took a little bit of time. And attend to your older one. Make sure that they know that they're still your baby.

And that, like, you know, you're going to keep rocking them and that you're going to keep paying attention to them and you're going to keep holding them to make sure that they are attended to and that you don't, you know, build any sort of, like, resentment towards them for having a hard time with the adjustment. Like, their whole world has now been turned upside down. And they need to know that, like, their mommy and daddy's baby, too, not just this new baby. And I think that that for us kind of eased the adjustment and transition. All right. I hope that was helpful. I know this was a super long episode and we covered a lot of ground. But I hope that you guys enjoyed it. All right. We will be back here on Monday.

Hey, this is Steve Day. If you're listening to Alley, you already understand that the biggest issues facing our country aren't just political. They're moral, spiritual, and rooted in what we believe is true about God, humanity, and reality itself. On the Steve Day show, we take the news of the day and tested against first principles, faith, truth, and objective reality. We don't just chase narratives and we don't offer false comfort. We ask the hard questions and follow the answers wherever they leave, even when it's unpopular. This is a show for people who want honesty over hype and clarity over chaos.

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