Relatable with Allie Beth Stuckey - Ep 896 | From 'Trans Man' to Transformed by Christ | Guest: Laura Perry Smalts (Part One)

Episode Date: October 25, 2023

Today, we’re joined by detransitioner Laura Perry Smalts, author of "Transgender to Transformed: A Story of Transition That Will Truly Set You Free," to share her testimony of how she went from believing she was a man to embracing her womanhood under Christ. We start off with Laura's childhood, during which she became convinced that her mother wanted her to be a boy. This, combined with early sexual abuse and not fitting in with other girls, eventually led her to believe she needed to become a man. Laura shares how desperate she was for male attention and the extreme behavior that led her family to begin worrying, as well as the transgender support group that first convinced her to seek "trans care." We discuss how testosterone initially made her feel amazing, but she quickly realized that the more she transitioned, the more imprisoned she was and that she would never truly become a man despite going through the motions. Stay tuned for part two! Check out Laura's ministry here: First Stone Ministries --- Timecodes: (01:40) Laura's mother (07:00) Being molested as a child (10:40) Not fitting in with girls (14:00) PCOS diagnosis (16:33) Extreme behavior & seeking male attention (22:50) Going to a transgender support group (30:10) Trans-abled people & identifying as cats (33:50) How testosterone felt (38:58) Distancing from family --- Today's Sponsors: A'Del — go to adelnaturalcosmetics.com and enter promo code "ALLIE" for 25% off your first order! EveryLife — the only premium baby brand that is unapologetically pro-life. EveryLife offers high-performing, supremely soft diapers and wipes that protect and celebrate every precious life. Head to EveryLife.com and use promo code ALLIE10 to get 10% of your first order today! Jase Medical — get up to a year’s worth of many of your prescription medications delivered in advance. Go to JaseMedical.com today and use promo code “ALLIE”. --- Relevant Episodes: Ep 667 | After Hormones & Surgery, She Found Christ | Guest: Sophia Galvin https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ep-667-after-hormones-surgery-she-found-christ-guest/id1359249098?i=1000577362561 Ep 884 | Sex Change Regret: Why the Surgeries Never Work | Guest: Scott Newgent https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ep-884-sex-change-regret-why-the-surgeries-never-work/id1359249098?i=1000630220531 --- Buy Allie's book, You're Not Enough (& That's Okay): Escaping the Toxic Culture of Self-Love: https://alliebethstuckey.com/book Relatable merchandise – use promo code 'ALLIE10' for a discount: https://shop.blazemedia.com/collections/allie-stuckey

Hey, this is Steve Day. If you're listening to Allie, you already understand that the biggest issues facing our country aren't just political. They're moral, spiritual, and rooted in what we believe is true about God, humanity, and reality itself. On the Steve Day show, we take the news of the day and tested against first principles, faith, truth, and objective reality. We don't just chase narratives and we don't offer false comfort.

We ask the hard questions and follow the answers wherever they leave, even when it's unpopular. This is a show for people who want honesty over hype and clarity over chaos. If you're looking for commentary grounded in conviction and unwilling to lie to you about where we are or where we're headed, you can watch this D-Day show right here on Blaze TV or listen wherever you get podcasts. I hope you'll join us. Laura Perry lived as Jake for nine years, presenting herself as a man undergoing cross-sex hormone therapy, undergoing a double mastectomy, different procedures to make her feel and look truly male. But then God's love, the gospel changed her. She realized that the way that she was going would never lead to the satisfaction and the healing that she was trying and failing to find in this change of identity. And her story is absolutely incredible. She will walk us through the timeline of how and why she went through this process, attempting to go through this transition. There's so many spiritual and practical lessons. to be learned in this. This is going to be a two-part conversation you won't want to miss either part. So today is part one of my conversation with Laura Perry. This episode is brought to by our

friends at Good Ranchers. Go to Good Ranchers.com. Use code Allie at checkout. That's good ranchers.com. Code Allie. Laura, thanks so much for taking the time to join us. Set us up a little bit. Tell us just briefly about who you are. Well, now I'm a women's minister with First Stone Ministries. but which that's kind of funny because I lived as transgender for almost nine years, had no plan to ever be in women's ministry or, you know, I had so much anger and bitterness towards women. And so to tell a little bit of my journey, when I was one of those kids that grew up in the church, we were at church every time the door was open, kind of the all-American family. In fact, people have since told us that they thought our family didn't have any problems.

You know, we had the sort of perfect image. But, you know, and I sometimes I'll tell a little bit of my mom's story just to tell my story because God kind of wove our stories together. She had so much of her own brokenness that I didn't understand at the time, but she grew up in a very legalistic church. And as a result, she really didn't understand the peace and the grace of the Holy Spirit and how to live in his presence, how to let the Lord work in her. And so she had a lot of religion, but really didn't understand a relationship with Christ. And as a result, she was always stressed out and burned out, just always wanted to be. me to go away. Just leave me alone. Just get off me. Leave me alone for five minutes. You know.

When you were little. Yeah, when I was really little. Yeah. And I was very hyperactive. I had, she said I would have been diagnosed ADHD, but she didn't want me on the riddlin. But, you know, as a result, I just began to interpret that as mom didn't love me. I didn't understand how stress she was, how much she was trying to hold together. All the responsibilities of being an adult, I didn't understand that as a kid. I was also born a little later in life. She had a lot of health problems. It was getting so... You had siblings?

Yes, I had two older siblings, but they were quite a bit older. So I was born much later in life. And, you know, some of the health problems, like, she had fibromyalgia so bad that she couldn't stand for the sheets to touch her at night. So she didn't want to be touched at all. And my love language was physical touch. And my dad was very affectionate with me, but my mom really was just not able. And...

But I began to look at the relationship she had with my breast. brother and she treated him very differently. Well, he was very quiet and very obedient. Was it in your middle brother? Yeah. Yeah. So I had an older sister and then my brother and then I was born about six years later and she'd miscarried two boys between my brother and I. So there was a lot of pain there and a lot of her longing for those boys. But I didn't know how to talk to her. I didn't know how to tell her what I was experiencing. I just began to interpret what was going on. And in fact, I've still struggled even in my adult life to ask proper questions. Sometimes I jump to conclusions because that's what I learned as a child.

Don't bother mom. You know, mom's too busy. So just like I would evaluate the situation. So I got very jealous of my brother. And I began to think in my own mind, my mom would have never said this. But I began to think in my own mind that mom loved him more, that mom wished I had been one of the boys. And so from a very young age, I began to be very very young. jealous of my brother. And one of the reasons I mentioned that is because I've heard so many

stories of kids that misperceive family dynamics. A lot of different situations, but sometimes they think something is true about their parents that isn't. But, you know, none of us could ever be the perfect parent. We're all sinners raising other sinners. And the reality is that sometimes kids misunderstand things or they feel like they're not loved when they actually are. Maybe the parents not capable of loving them the way they need. But none of us are fully capable of giving a child everything they need. Ultimately, we've got to point them to God and how the Lord is able to be that sufficiency for them.

But it's kind of a two-sided coin of we've been greatly sinned against, and yet we've responded in sin. And so I began to be very bitter. I began to be very angry with her. I began to put... When was that? Like in your... Like five to eight years old at a very young age.

So you kind of quickly started to turn from desperation for your mom's attention to bitterness that you weren't getting the attention that you felt that she needed. And it developed over the years, but I think part of it was in my mind, I thought if mom notices how hurt I am, then, you know, she'll pay more attention. And then I'll get her attention. So that's how I was trying to get her attention. But as a result, I would sort of drum up everything I could think of and sort of I could feel myself. building this anger towards her in an attempt to get her attention. And when that didn't work, I would just, I built these walls in my heart and pushed her away. And she didn't deserve any of this.

I didn't realize how much stress she was under. She was trying so hard to do everything, everything she should be doing. She used to tell me, she felt like she was on a performance treadmill for God. Never good enough, never measuring up. And honestly, I hear that from so many Christian women out there that are struggling and struggling and struggling and struggling. And so I don't want anyone to hear, you know, I've completely failed my child. The reality is, like I said, we're all sinners. We're all desperately in need of the Lord. And that's why it's so important to understand that relationship with God, to understand that he gives us the

strength. He's not expecting us to go out and perform for him perfectly. He wants us to be completely dependent on him. But as a result of me building this wall and kind of shutting her out, I began to be very angry with her. I began to really cling to my dad. And in fact, I was told, you know, you're just like your dad. You act just like your dad. You know, you have the same personality. And was really, really began to identify with him.

And we see this so much in people that identify as transgender, so much of cutting off their same sex or cutting off that association with their same sex for whatever reason. But it was complicated when I was, I was eight years old and I was molested by another boy. And in a sense, I didn't actually even realize until recently how much I had cut off that part of me. I really, in an attempt to protect that little girl, I think, sort of dissociated myself. I began to tell myself stories about me being a boy. I felt like boys had the power. Like, I was helpless. Had an advantage of it.

Yeah. And can you tell us a little bit more about that experience? Was this a boy that was your age? was it your brother's friend or how did that happen? Yeah, it was my friend's brother. I was eight years old and he was only a year older than me. And the hard thing was it took me many years to even talk about this. I actually didn't even tell my parents until I was 33.

Wow. And in fact, the first time I told my mom, she didn't even know what I was saying, I think, because it was so painful. It's like she didn't even comprehend. So she thought I hadn't told her for another several years. but you know he was he was only a year older than me and because it was sort of this sexual play it awakened that desire and even at eight years old it was fun it felt good and at the same time it feels very violating and it feels very wrong I was so ashamed I knew this was not good

but at the same time your body responds to it and it feels good and so I came back to him later and I said hey that was a lot of fun you want to do that again, something like that. And you didn't really know what you were doing. Right. You kind of, and I don't know like what his role or what he was saying, trying to convince you that it was okay. But you just knew, ooh, that kind of felt good.

I'm just going to do it again. You really didn't know the depth of, you know, sex or sexual interactions or things like that. But part of you did know that there was something wrong with it because you felt shame and you didn't tell your parents, right? Right. Yeah. Yeah. And just that, you know, the Bible says that God has. written as law in our hearts. And I think even in that, I didn't know why that was wrong. I just knew

that it was. But I didn't know anything about sex. I was very sheltered, very protected until that day. And it robbed me of my innocence. But also, when I went back to him, he flipped out and he said, we cannot ever do that again and totally rejected me and wanted nothing to do with me. And he said, besides, that's how girls get pregnant. And, you know, it's like, nine years old saying this. Yeah. So clearly somebody had, I think at least, I mean, I haven't talked to him since, but I think that somebody had to have molested him or given him graphic information of some kind. And so, but I remember, even eight years old, I remember thinking, boys have all the power. I'm just good to be used to be, I felt so thrown away and discarded. You know, I remember feeling

dirty. And how does an eight-year-old even process all of that? Yeah. And you didn't feel like you could go to your mom. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And so I just began to hide and had all these secret desires. And over the years, I began to engage in sexual play with other kids and just begin to live this double life and getting angry with mom, getting angry at God because of, you know, I didn't like being a girl. I was jealous of my brother. And now I'm even more jealous of boys because I feel like they have all the power. I felt like I had no value as a girl. And because I spent all my time with my dad and my brother, I didn't fit in well with the girls at school. So it's like how do you, you know, when I would go to school and these girls would make fun of me or make me feel like I didn't belong. I was called

tomboy a lot, which some girls don't mind that label. But to me, even though I wanted to be a boy, I knew that I wasn't. And so there was a part of me that desperately wanted to fit in. I knew I was supposed to be like the girls. But I didn't know how. And, you know, I tried to fake it at times, but I'm like, this is just not me. This is not who I am. Hey, this is Steve Day.

If you're listening to Allie, you already understand that the biggest issues facing our country aren't just political. They're moral, spiritual, and rooted in what we believe is true about God, humanity, and reality itself. On the Steve Day show, we take the news of the day and tested against first principles, faith, truth, and objective reality. We don't just chase narratives and we don't offer false comfort. We ask the hard questions and follow the answers wherever they leave, even when it's unpopular. This is a show for people who want honesty over hype and clarity over chaos.

If you're looking for commentary grounded in conviction and unwilling to lie to you about where we are or where we're headed, you can watch this D-Day show right here on Blaze TV or listen wherever you get podcasts. I hope you'll join us. Did you have the same interest that your dad and your brother did? Like, were you into sports, like in what you wore and things like that? that? Like, did you look like a typical, quote, unquote, tomboy? And then you tried to look more feminine or act more feminine when you were around girls? Yeah, some of both. I mean, it really was cycles. I would try really hard to look like a girl. And then I would go through these very

tomboy stages. And I was always, you know, kind of going back and forth, trying so hard to fit in. Because I didn't, I'd never even heard the word transgender back then. That was not even a thing in culture. And so I had never really even had that concept. I just knew that I wished I'd been a boy and I felt like a boy but I didn't have the language for that so I played with my brother's toys I wore his clothes um but I really and my dad and I were very very into racing we my dad used to take me to lots of race cars um races and um we would play lots of sports and my brother and I both played soccer and but over the years as I you know I would write stories about myself as a boy I invented this boy character. And every night to go to sleep, I would rehearse these stories in my

head. And it became sort of an alter ego. And I played lots and lots of video games as a male character. That's how I spent a lot of my free time. But wasn't playing sports. Was this in the 90s? Probably it would have been, I was born in 82. So yeah, in the 90s. So between like 8 and 14. Yeah. And then when I was 14, I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome. I had cysts all over my ovaries and they were I was in constant excruciating pain and I would there were times I remember like falling out of the chair and just writhing on the floors and so much pain yeah and I I remember going to the doctor and they diagnosed me with this condition and he wanted to put me on this medication that was had all all kinds of horrible side effects would make me get a lot of weight I was already

really struggling with my weight and had since puberty and so and he told me he said well somebody's and I have a hard time getting pregnant. Ugh. And he says this to a 14-year-old girl. So callous. And even though I was really jealous of boys, there was a part of me that wanted to have children one day, you know, even though I didn't at that moment, obviously, but still it was like, I remember how soul-crushing that was. And I was so angry with God. And I thought, people are telling me that God made me this way on purpose, that he doesn't make mistakes.

But if God created me a girl and he gave me to a mother that doesn't want a girl, in my mind, mom wished I'd been a boy, You know, I didn't understand the pain of miscarriage and all those other things were just the personality difference. But I thought, if God did this on purpose and God doesn't make mistakes, but then he's given me a body, I don't want a body that causes me nothing but pain. And now it's not even working properly and I won't be able to have children. Then God is just a jerk. And I decided that God couldn't be trusted.

And it's interesting because a couple of things that the Lord has really shown me in scripture. One, in Hebrews 12, it says that bitterness leads to defilement. and ultimately to sexual sin. And it says it defiles many. So when we're bitter, you know, we've all heard the term, hurt people, hurt people. And so I began acting out a lot more sexually. But also, one of the things the Lord has really taught me

is that in Romans it says that it's the goodness of God that leads to repentance. But interestingly, the opposite is true. A couple of years ago, I was sick one weekend and I watched hundreds and hundreds of testimonies. I'd committed to the Lord for that weekend. I was not going to watch any TV. And so here I was.

Then I got the flu. So I just watched hundreds of testimonies one after the other. And the Lord taught me a lot about how he works. And one of the things that was interesting, in almost every case, not the exact words, but there was some form of this question that turned their heart away from the Lord. If God is good, why did he allow this in my life? And so I really, I can identify with that. but I've seen that in so many stories.

And again, in Romans, it says that they knew that God was true, paraphrasing a little bit, but it says that God's revealed himself to every man, but they glorified him not as God. Neither were thankful, but became vain in their imagination, and their foolish heart was darkened, professing themselves to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the truth of God for a lie. And so I see this progression so often. We can blame it on lots of other circumstances.

I can see how lies begin to come into my heart. But as a result, I responded in sin. I was angry at God. I was angry at my mom. I built walls. I began to cut off my feminine identity. And I decided that I knew better. And as a result, I responded in a whole lot of sexual sin, began to just throw myself at men,

desperate for the love and affection of men. Because growing up, it was only, you know, I felt like my dad had loved me so much, never, never inappropriately. But, I mean, just I was longing for the love of a man. And so I thought, this is the way I need to get it from other men to give them whatever they want they want. You know, and so I did whatever they wanted sexually. But the more that I did, the more I was broken and hurt and dumped and used and rejected over and over and over again. Did your parents know?

So you're a teenager at this time. Did your parents know that this was the kind of life you were leading? Eventually they did learn over time. They could see this progression of rebellion. There were some things I hid. I found out later. I think they knew a lot more than I said. that I knew they did.

Yeah. You know, and I think that's typical with parents. You just don't know what to say sometimes, and they tried to help, but I was so rebellious. They were, there was not a lot they could do. I was just completely out of control. And, but I was beginning to be very fractured in my soul. And I felt I was always leaving these relationships feeling so broken. And then I'd be on to the next guy hoping desperately that he'd want me.

And eventually they sent me to a group home. They were trying so hard to help me. And for a while at the group home, because I told the Lord, I would never serve him again, really was running away. Mostly, was that turning point really after the PCOS diagnosis? Yeah. Yeah. This was at about 16. I was angry and I'd been really hurt.

And so my solution was, God is not good. I didn't see how my own sin and the sin of others had formed. this, you know, God, it's not God that wasn't good, but I didn't understand that yet. And so as I began to really turn away from God, really begin to embrace this lifestyle of sin. But I was at this group home and they really put a lot of pressure on me to be a Christian. And it was like, I really began at one point to say, okay, I'm tired of living this rebellious lifestyle and all the parting and all that went along with it. But I really didn't know the Lord. And I was trying to do. just like my mom, I was trying so hard on my own strength and my own flesh to be a Christian for a couple of years, but it didn't last long. And it's like I went back into such a horrific lifestyle and went deep into a pornography addiction. And eventually it was so bad that I started meeting men for one-night stands all over the state, trying so hard, even for a moment to feel fulfilled.

Still a teenager? No, at this point I was in college. Okay, you were in college. So the group home was when you were a teenager? Yeah, I was about 17. Okay. And so then in college, the pornography addiction came and the one-night stance. Yeah. And were you still totally presenting feminine at this point? I was at this point.

I still had never heard the word transgender. Yeah. And so I really was. 90s, early 2000s when you were going to college. Yeah. Yeah, it was about 2003 when I went to college. Okay. And so I was trying so hard to fix this broken identity.

And I was always hoping that a man would want me, that a man would love me. And there were times that I pursued girls. I really didn't, I wasn't physically attracted to girls, but I wanted a girlfriend because I wanted to solidify my identity as a man. But it didn't seem possible. I never had that concept that I could quote transition. Yeah. So it was just a secret world that I had inside. But then I would

You know as I was pursuing these relationships with these men I finally at one point I ended up in a long-term relationship Which I was always hoping for One man would finally want me and it was a horrible relationship He was a severe alcoholic And so I thought you know the reason this never works out The reason I'm never happy is because I was supposed to be the man If I was the man I know how to treat a woman

And so I begin to pursue that lifestyle and I really didn't I'd never heard the word but I looked it up on Google girl becoming a boy just to like see if anybody out there had ever heard this and I was shocked when thousands of results came up and that's when I went to a support group and I began to begin to really pursue that where did you go to college I went to college in Tulsa Oklahoma okay just to a community college there yeah you were in college and it was around what year did you start really trying to like pursue pursue this and you joined the support group this was in 2007 okay so 2007

in oklahoma still yeah looking for i then was it called transgender or was it called transsexual or like what did you both terms were kind of being used um transsexual had been used for many years it the language was just beginning to change i was kind of at the the tail end of what was um called gender identity disorder at the time it was a diagnosable mental disorder. Now, of course, they've changed it to gender dysphoria, which, you know, is this term that it's like people are just unhappy with their body. Well, who's not unhappy with their body most of their life? And especially at puberty, we have so many kids that are saying they're uncomfortable with their body and they're being told they're trans. You know,

and so anyway, as I begin to pursue that lifestyle and it seems so real at first, you know, I was like, this is everything I've ever wanted. And as people begin to affirm me as a man, it eased that pain for a while. I didn't have all that pain of being a woman. And I thought, this feels so much better. This is who I really am. And, you know, all the changes seem to be real at first. And you begin to get this masculine appearance.

I began to be called. Jake was the name that I went by. And was that just random? You just decided to go by that? It was one of the characters that I'd created for myself as a young child. And so that was a name I had called myself some for many years, kind of secretly. But I also, one of the reasons, I wanted a name that could not ever be mistaken as a girl's name. So I was trying to come up with a name that everybody would know this is not a girl.

And but as I, you know, I begin to grow facial hair, my voice began to get lower. and all these changes at first seem to really make, seem to be real, seem to be solving the problem. But I was always aware that it was still fake. But it was like, well, it's going to be real one day because I can see these changes. One day this is all going to be real. Yeah. But then over time, I kept thinking, when does this become real?

When does the dysphoria go away? Yeah. And after my chest surgery, I had a double mastectomy in 2009. And that was kind of the turning point because it was like, you know, this still didn't make me a man. And that was devastating for me. Yeah. What point does this become real?

And so I really began to sort of go deeper into that and everything. I had to every little affirmation, anything I could find to affirm that identity, whether it was something people said, the way I dressed, the way I walked, the way I talked. Everything had to be male to sort of affirm that identity. But I was constantly aware that this wasn't real. And I thought, you know, it's because I still have all these female hormones. Once I get rid of all the female hormones, then it will be real. And so then I had a hysterectomy.

I had the ovaries removed. And it still wasn't real. And then I was shocked when I began to look at the genital reassignment surgeries, and I realized how fake all this was. I realized that it wasn't real, that this was never going to solve the problem. And I realized that it was completely artificial. And on top of that, there were lots of potential complications. In fact, now in recent years, I've heard of one girl that had,

has had over 30 corrective surgeries. I know of another girl that's in a wheelchair permanently. I know of girls that have had major urinary problems. Some have had tissue necrosis where it actually, the tissue dies, all kinds of other complications. Yeah. And on top of that, many lose sexual feeling permanently. And sorry.

I want to back up a little bit. I want to back up to about 2007 because you said that you joined this community group and you started getting affirmation and you started going by the new name. And I'm guessing that is what started before you actually took steps to start taking testosterone and things like that. So tell us a little bit about though that community of affirmation. Like how did that start? You met with these people, you became friends with them and then they started socially affirming you. And that's kind of first what gave you that euphoria. Well, even before that, when I showed up to the sport group meeting, they were, they were all transgender there. And so within five minutes, they're like,

oh, you are definitely transgender. And immediately started calling me Jake and immediately affirming me. Wow. They didn't even know me. But then... Were you dressed as a man? And at that point, kind of were you regularly dressing out in public as a man? That was my first time ever. Oh, okay. Yeah. And I, no one knew I was going. I didn't tell a single friend. I, I'd cut my hair real short. I showed up to this meeting dressed as, as much as I could. I didn't. I didn't have any chest binders yet, but I wear real tight hoodie kind of and trying to look like a man. But, yeah, within a very short time, they asked me to tell me about myself, and they said, oh, you are definitely trans. You know, and I said, I was worried that I would never look like a man because I still looked very feminine.

And they said, oh, don't worry about it. After a year or so of taking hormones, no one will ever know you were a girl. And that's what I'd wanted to hear all my life. But this is the answer. this is everything I've been looking for. You know, this makes so much sense. I've felt this way my whole life and now here's this group telling me everything I want to hear. But it was interesting.

I went to one of the requirements at the time, I had to go to a therapist. And I didn't have any interesting counseling at all. But this is one of the requirements per the W-Path standards, which is sort of the standards of care given to help trans people transition. And so after the third session, she would give me this, diagnosis and gave me this letter stating that I was diagnosed with gender identity disorder. But in the third session, she put down her notebook and her pen. She like kind of pulled down her glasses. She looked right in my eyes. And she said, wow, you really have issues with your mom.

And I was stunned. It was like, whoa, wait a minute. How did we get from me talking about being man to talking about my mother? Because I had not been really paying attention to where the conversation was going. I was just trying to fulfill this requirement, just mindlessly answering her questions. So you could then go on hormones. Right. That's all I was looking for. And all of a sudden, she realizes I have all this anger toward my mom, which again, my mom didn't deserve. Now I have so much grace for my mom. I understand all the pain she was going through, everything she was trying to do. But at the time, I didn't. And I had all this anger toward her. And so I blew up at this therapist. I said, I'm not here to talk about my mom. And she said, so you're just here for this diagnosis. And I said,

yes, that's all I'm here for. And she said, okay. And she said, gave me what I wanted. You know, and in what other medical diagnosis is there that people can go in and say, this is true of me, even if the doctor says, no, this is not true. Yeah. And the patient gets to determine what's best for their treatment. Yeah. We don't do this in any other case. You can't say, well, I won't chemotherapy. And if the oncologist says, well, you don't have cancer. You don't just, you don't just get to have that treatment because you want it. But with this, I guess the patient just gets to self-diagnose. Right. Yeah. And we're actually, there are people, now I don't know how common this is becoming or whether this is actually happening, but we know that there are people now identifying as transabled. And I don't know. Have you heard our doctors actually performing these surgeries or I know that there's been a lot of talk about it?

I'm not sure if they're actually performing the surgeries. There certainly are, I've talked to a psychologist on this show of even, you know, outside of the whole trans thing that there are girls especially. who see some kind of tick on TikTok, and then they pick it up themselves. And so they almost mimic the symptoms of Tourette's, and they're convinced they have Tourette's or they're bipolar or multiple personality syndrome when they really don't. They've just observed it so much,

and they have internalized it, and they have started kind of repeating what they're seeing on TikTok. But I have seen that. I have definitely seen that of men. It seems like particularly pretending, like they can't walk or something and then having a wheelchair being blind. It's very, very strange.

Yeah. Yeah. And that's, you know, where is this going to end? Are we going to allow people to identify however they want or there's kids that are identifying as cats? And I thought these stories were bogus about schools, putting litter boxes in the schools. But, you know, again, I don't know what's actually. I was told by a parent that was actually happening in a school.

Now, whether that's just the kids demanding that, I don't know. But there are, there's, I've heard many stories of kids identifying as cats, kids meowing in class to answer. And the teachers in some cases, I'm sure not in every case, but in some cases are actually indulging these kids as if they're cats. Yeah. Yeah. It definitely goes back to a matter of identity and confusion and not believing there's a God who actually created us and gave us a purpose and meaning. So you started taking. you got from the psychologist or the psychologist she gave you.

She said, okay, fine, you know, you have gender identity disorder. You can go on testosterone. You started going on testosterone. How did that feel physically and mentally? Well, at first it was, I was on cloud nine. I mean, this was everything I'd ever wanted. And it gave me this rush. And really, testosterone, especially for a female who doesn't naturally have a lot of testosterone,

we have some, but we don't have near the levels that men do. and it gives you this incredible burst of energy. Now, I'd had health problems my whole life. I had already been diagnosed with Hashimoto's, which is an autoimmune thyroid condition. So I had struggled with chronic fatigue for years. So when I went on testosterone, this made me feel amazing. And it gave me, I didn't really realize that it was just giving me physical energy.

I thought it's because this is the answer to all my problems. And I'm embracing who I really am. Wow. Actually, it was helping me tremendously physically, even though I didn't realize how many consequences there was going to be because we're not intended to have that level of testosterone. And so at first it felt really great. And then as people began to affirm me, as I began to dress that way, every little affirmation reinforced that idea. In fact, they did studies back in the 80s.

They did studies that said if children came out and said that they were transgender, if they were not socially affirmed, if they were not, you know, they didn't even really have puberty blockers back then. but if they were not socially affirmed, if they were encouraged in the way that they were naturally born and they were given therapy, 82 to 86 percent, I believe it was, desisted or said they were no longer trans after puberty. But now when kids are socially affirmed, it's like every little step leads them further down that path. Now, the ones that have been put on puberty blockers, 90 to 100 percent in some studies have wanted to go on a medical transition. So it's not, it's a pause button as they're claiming. It's like a fast track toward medical transition. So all these little affirmations just reinforce this idea. And because it's helping you escape the pain,

it's a lot like painkillers. You know, if you have this horrible wound in your body that's gang, you know, has gangrene and all this, it's destroying your body. But if you take painkillers, you're going to feel a lot better. And that's what some of these kids tell me, you know, but I feel so much better. You know, I've even had therapists that say, yes, I helped this kid transition. Now they feel so much better and all their problems have gone away. But they're really just ignoring the problem.

They're burying the problem. And so, but as you realize, it's like everything keeps coming back to the surface. So as the fun sort of wears off for each little step and it becomes normal, and then you need another step to affirm that. So then I had my name legally changed. And like looking forward to the name,

I couldn't wait for my name to be legally changed. Like on your license and everything. Yeah. And your parents, did they know this was going on? Yeah. They did. But they didn't have it in control. It was 25 by me.

Right. And about 26 or 7 by the time I got my name legally changed. And so they really felt so helpless. But, you know, I couldn't wait for that day. And then when that happened, that you sort of ride that euphoria for a little while. And then it's like, okay, what next? And you're always looking forward to that next step. That is sort of like the next drug high.

Yeah. You know, it's never enough. And in fact, I've never done a lot of like hardcore drug. drugs, but I've been told that the high is never the same as the original. That first high is always what feels best, and you're sort of always chasing that. And it's sort of the same thing with transition. It's like every step you're looking forward and you're looking forward to it and you can't wait. And for a moment, it feels amazing. And then you're like, oh, that didn't satisfy. And you still are so aware the dysphoria. And the more I transitioned,

I thought it would lead to further freedom, but actually it became my prison cell because I began to, the more I transitioned, the less I told people I was trans, and I just wanted to be a man and erase the existence of Lara. So many people, they just want to move on with their life. They just want to be this other person, but you can't escape the past. I was haunted by my past, and I remember trying to, having to reinvent my life all the time, having to lie to people all the time. And having to recreate things, you know, I couldn't have been in Girl Scouts. It had to have been Boy Scouts. I couldn't have played softball.

it had to have been baseball. Like all these things that I had to reinvent about my life. And I realized I was lying to people that I really cared about, my friends, my bosses, my coworkers, things like that. And so it really began to torment me inside. And things like going to the gym with, I had a prosthetic genitalia that I was using. And so like trying to change in the men's locker room without being seen. Or, you know, there was just all kinds of problems that people don't think about. or what it was like, you know, because you've been called, ma'am, and I was called Laura for, you know, almost 30 years,

sometimes people, if you even heard that name, you know, turn around, things like that that you can't escape. Or when I was with my family, and I had some family members that affirmed me as Jake and some that didn't. My parents never did. But, you know, even if they did, it didn't matter because I could not escape the fact that I was their sister or their aunt or whatever. You know, I knew the truth inside. And so I hated being around my family. So I really began to distance myself from my family a lot and began really, I wanted nothing to do with God. I was really trying to fix my own brokenness. I thought I knew better. But over the years, it just satisfied less and less. And I remember one day really realizing that this was never going

to be real, no matter what I did, this was not real. And it hadn't solved the problem. And it hadn't solved It hadn't, the dysphoria had never gone away. So now I was just left with this really broken identity. All right. So that was part one of our two-part conversation. Tomorrow she will be back and she will talk more specifically about the timeline of the double mastectomy and the hormones and what her body went through there. But also she is going to take us on her path of redemption and healing that God providentially

and very graciously placed her on. There was just so much hope and so much beauty in her story. And you are going to finish this two-part series, just feeling so grateful to the Lord for his salvation and for his work. And also encouraged to love others by speaking the truth relentlessly. Thanks for listening to this episode of Relatable. We will be back here tomorrow. Hey, this is Steve Deast. If you're listening to Allie, you already understand that the biggest issues facing our country aren't just political.

They're moral, spiritual, and rooted in what we believe is true about God. humanity and reality itself. On the Steve Day show, we take the news of the day and tested against first principles, faith, truth, and objective reality. We don't just chase narratives and we don't offer false comfort. We ask the hard questions and follow the answers wherever they leave, even when it's unpopular. This is a show for people who want honesty over hype and clarity over chaos. If you're looking for commentary grounded in conviction and unwilling to lie to you about where

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