Reply All - #174 Search Party

Episode Date: June 10, 2021

This week, with the help of tech reporters Ashley Feinberg and Katie Notopoulos, we venture to one of the darkest places on the internet -- our own search histories. Apply for the Reply All internship Ashley Feinberg's Newsletter, Trashberg Katie Notopoulos' Articles on Buzzfeed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

From Gimler, this is Replyor. I'm Emmanuel Jochi. And I'm Alex Goldman. Alex, we're back, mate. Yeah. I feel like not working on stories for a couple months gave me like an incredible reserve of story energy. And now I'm getting to expend it all in the world, which feels awesome.

Yeah, no. And that is why you are going first. Yes. So today's episode, I'd actually call it an experiment as opposed to. to a story. Okay. Color me intrigued. So there's a reporter.

Her name's Ashley Feinberg. She's been on the show before. We talked to her about her uncanny ability to find secret social media accounts of powerful government figures and celebrities. Yeah, she makes us look like we have absolutely no idea what we're doing on this show. Yeah, she makes us like real junior varsity. But I wanted to talk to her because she had recently started a newsletter on Substack called Trashberg. Hey, Ashley.

Hey, how's it going? Good, how are you? And I wanted to talk to her because there was an article on there a couple weeks ago that was just like this brilliant and deceptively simple idea, which just had to do with, like, the weird shit that she Googles. Okay. I remember it was, like, years ago, and I, like, first realized that, like, Google was saving every single search I'd ever made and, like, it's, like, itemized list that you could just,

like, go through to any point. And I started looking at, like, searches from, like, years and years ago. and was just like, A, like, taken aback by, like, how much I remembered, like, why I had, like, searched the term, like, fish penis or, like, some other thing, like, five years ago. Why had you searched the term fish penis? Well, there was a thing a few years ago. I remember about the guy having sex with a fish? Give him me a list.

Don't worry about it if you don't. Yeah. Guy having sex with a fish? Yeah, yeah. And so I just, I always had it in the back of my mind that I, like, just, like, wanted desperately a reason to like search through other people's search histories because I feel like it's like very it's the same sort of like unguarded sort of thing they're doing when they think no one who is judging them is watching them like I feel like it's just like a very illuminating window into like

a person I mean the thing that I find so funny about the idea is that it's like um is the like lack of context that it gives you know they're sort of like comedy of errors movies where like a person gets in a compromising position where it looks like they're cheating on someone else and they're like, no, no, wait, I can explain. Yeah. So Ashley has this idea. She wants to go through other people's search histories.

And she's like, okay, if I want to go through other people's search histories, it's only fair that I let someone go through mine first. So she got a friend of hers, a reporter for Wired, whose name is Kate Nibbs, to go through two weeks of her Google search history. And the article that came from it was just like so funny. It was like very vulnerable and weird. Like she was searching for things like ancient goths, the main Nazi doctor, Jesus furry Trump, Barbara Bush cell phone. Wait, Jesus furry Trump?

Yeah. It's just like this weird window into like what is on people's minds and how they use the internet. Right, right. It's like a little record of just like every random small fort you've had like when you sort of like roll over in your sleep and you're like, what's that thing? And so with Ashley's blessing, we have a new segment. Our producer, Anna Foley, agreed to join not to share her search history with us, but to sort of be like the lifeguard, keeping us from like swimming out too far into weird internet waters. And I don't know if they're all going to be like this, but I just want to caution.

This one feels very much not for kids. So if you have kids listening, it's just like gross internet stuff. Maybe they can sit this one out. Okay. Well, let the gross internet stuff start. Let it begin. All right. Welcome to the first installment of our segment.

We are calling, don't you wish you were incognito? Reply all producer Anna Foley. Hello. Hello, Michael Alexander Goldman. It's just Alex. It's not Alexander. Today... Wait, really?

Yeah, it's just Alex. On your first certificate, it says Michael Alex Goldman. So Alex isn't short for anything. I feel like this is like the kind of thing that people are going to use to like look up my, my, like, my address and come to my house. We don't have to go that far. I just think it's interesting because it's like, I don't know. I would have assumed it was Alexander. Yeah, it's pretty cool.

But we are here for a specific reason? Yeah, we're here for this new segment. And like you guys said, I am the lifeguard for this whole thing. And as part of my duty as a lifeguard, I'm going to walk you through the rules. before we bring on our guest. Number one is no editing, deleting, or studying your searches before handing them over to the other person. Number two is you can't just give like a single page of Google search results or YouTube search results. It's got to be like a week, like a lengthy period of time.

The third rule is that me and the rest of the Reply-L team will have access to both yours Alex's and the guests, Google, and YouTube search results. And then basically all we're going to do is talk about a bunch of the different searches that you guys find funny, interesting, whatever. All right. Let's do it. And obviously, in order to get this thing started, we need to invite on our very first inaugural guest. The first guest is Katie Natopoulos, who is the senior tech writer at BuzzFeed News, and was on an episode of the show a couple years ago. She was the author of this incredibly difficult to read list for many years called the 50 worst things on the internet. So like I think that she goes pretty deep as far as searches go. Okay. Let's do it. Oh, geez. Here she is.

Hi, guys. Hey, good morning. I have like a little bit of a, I have a little bit of a technical lag where I got a new computer and I mostly use my work computer. And so I have forgotten the password to log into my There we go. There. So Alex, Katie, ready to give this thing a try? Yes. Okay.

So Alex, have you done this with other people yet? No, no. This is our maiden voyage. The first thing I'm curious about is just like we asked you not to really look at your search history, but you had to like compress it into like a PDF or whatever to send to us. So like you must have seen

some stuff. And I'm curious how it felt the little you saw. What did what did it feel like when you were looking at it? Oh, bad. Yeah. It made me sort of think of like the different levels of like what's embarrassing here. Right. Like there's like one level that's like did I Google like, you know, what's this rash on my butt kind of thing. You know, like something that might be like truly embarrassing like very obviously embarrassing like a weird medical thing. But then I feel like there's I was trying to think of like what actually feels like it would be super embarrassing. I think that some of the things that I would find really embarrassing would be like Googling the name of like acquaintances or something that would make me feel so socially awkward, which like I'm sure I definitely do. And everyone does, but it makes you feel like you're a creep.

The other thing I felt embarrassed by which I was not expecting because it's like totally something I do all the time is like, I watch a lot of fucking. dumb top 10 horror movie videos. I observe some of that. Oh, no. I mean, I guess, yeah, I just want to say, Katie, I think you sent like 20 pages of your Google search history and like 10 of your YouTube history. Alex, you sent like over 90 pages. I sent like 100 something.

Yeah, yeah. So there was a lot more noise to cut through. You know, the YouTube thing is interesting. I mean, it made me, and I haven't looked at mine, although I know already what is going to make me, like, actually feel really bad about my YouTube history, which is that it's going to reveal how much I've let my child watch YouTube, which is not something I'm proud of. Yeah, I understand that. I think we should go ahead and get started. Okay. Alex, which of Katie's search history items do you want to talk about first?

A lot of your YouTube searches seem like they were for kids. But there were like a couple that there were a couple in particular that I was like, are these for kids or are these for Katie? And if they're for kids, like, what is the deal? And like the first searches I wanted to ask you about because you have tons of them are for Nerfgun videos on YouTube. Yeah, that's a sore spot. First of all, what are they? What are these videos?

So I have a almost five-year-old son, and he absolutely should not own a Nerfgan, nor should he watch videos about Nerfguns. But those two things are the only thing that he desires in this world. Does your son have Nerfgan's? You're a reasonable person. You would be like, no. Is he aware of the concept of NERFGs? He has a gun. He has a gun. You need to clarify, Alex. You just say nerve gun. He has a handgun.

No, he has a... It's like there was a point at the beginning of the pandemic where I think, you know, everyone was like a little bit like, hey, it's pandemic. I guess we'll let the kids watch as much screen time as they want. We're like... Hardee was watching a movie every afternoon when the pandemic started. And like I had a new baby at the time. Like I had a baby at May and was like, here, just take an iPad and you can watch. YouTube, I don't care. And that's where he first, like, started watching this Nerf Patrol stuff. Yeah, I saw a lot of Nerf Patrol. What is Nerf Patrol? It is, like, literally the, like, the worst, worst, worst thing on the internet, possibly. Like, if I could ever make, like, a 50 worst thing than the internet would be just all Nerf Patrol videos. It's, like, it's one of these videos of, like, it's a family that, like, makes videos of themselves, like, acting out scenes, shooting Nerf guns at each other.

And once I realized what it was, I was like, okay, actually, that's banned. No, you cannot watch this. There were like so many. Can we watch one? Nerf Patrol battles the Dodgeball guy. I think the setup here is that like something bad happens at the playground. Like there is a bully.

You know, the Dodgeball guy is mean. Oh, you're going to play dodgeball. Oh, it's like a grown-up hitting a kid with a ball. Where are the Nerf guns? They show up a little bit later. I mean, you know what it's like? It's like, you know, in a porno, there's the setup of like the guy delivering the pizza first. This is the pizza.

Okay, so let me skip ahead. Pitch it. Okay. Oh, it's Chuckie. It's Chuckie doll and the Joker playing baseball. What the fuck is going on? What? I mean, this is like a classic example of like the plot makes me.

no sense. It's purely just like signals of things that kids are interested in, like, mean guy playing dodgeball? You missed. Joker? I'm going to skip further in this thing. Nerf Patrol, what your version machine? So that's Nerf Patrol. Hello, Nerf Patrol. It's the Joker. This kid sitting at a desk chair. He's wearing a policeman's uniform, and behind him is an arsenal of Nerf weapons. Can you come down here and help us out? Okay, I'll be done there. It's like the worst dregs of like kid bait YouTube. So it exists in this sort of liminal universe.

I spoke to someone else who makes Nerf gun videos because I was sort of interested in possibly doing a story on it. They have to like exist in this like tension of they don't want to make their videos so family-friendly that they end up on the YouTube kids app. Yeah, because they might not make as much money. Yeah. So they got to keep it adult enough. to stay on adult YouTube, but they can't make it so realistic that it gets demonetized.

But yeah, I feel like that the amount of like YouTube and especially like that kind of awful YouTube is like probably my most embarrassing, like deepest, deepest, darkest shame that will be revealed in my Google search. Well, I'm glad I touched on it right away. Okay. So Katie, what do you want to ask Alex about? Okay, should be a YouTube one or a search one? Whatever you want. Let's do search one. I think Alex's search are more prolific. Yeah.

I'm starting to feel a stomachache. I'm nervous. So I feel like what I liked is that there's a lot of things where you can tell by the timeline that you can, you can like figure out where your mind was going. Right? Like you start on one search and you see the like stepping stone to the next. one, like you can see the thought process. Just spit it out. And then some of them, it's funny because you don't.

And so there was one where you, in the morning, searched compost toilet cleaning, compost toilet, and then not long after Halo slashfic. Okay. Alex, you want to describe what Halo slashfic is? Okay, so Halo is a video game franchise, which I really love. I think that they're some of the best video games ever made. But I find... Do you play them, Alex?

I mean, I have played all of them. The last one came out like five or six years ago. And there's another one... Okay, they're not like... You don't like repeat them. I don't play. No, I would say Halo 3 is a game I've played several times. Okay.

I really like Halo. I think it is an incredibly fun game to play. It also has this very dense and pretty impenetrable storyline. Like, it's basically nonsense. Like, it doesn't make any sense to me. I've played all the games. I should understand it. I don't understand it.

What I do know is that the main character in the game is named Master Chief, aka John 117. You might have seen John 117 slash fic in there, too. That probably explains it. So he wears this gigantic body armor. And he basically always wears a helmet. You never really see his face. You don't know what he looks like.

And he talks like this. And he's a real badass. And all he talks about is saving the world. And he never gets above a little a whisper. Let me just share this with you. These covenants seem more fanatical than the ones we fought before. So do you, when you're playing, are you? Master Chief?

Yeah, you're a master chief. He's like a character that's a stand-in for the player and has like no personality. You know, part of this actually was that I was thinking about, I was thinking about a conversation I had with Ashley Feinberg actually where she was talking about Rule 34, this notion that like, if it exists, there's porn of it, right? Slashfic is just fan fiction that is pornographic or that is sexual in nature, right? Is Slash, though? I think Slash is specifically gay. Is it? I think so.

I think canonically it is, although... Like, it's the, you know, it's the traditional, like, Spock and Captain Jim. Huh. But that would still make sense in the Halo universe, because it's mostly, like, macho Marines running around. And I was thinking to myself, like, I know that Rule 34 says there's porn of everything on the internet, But there can't be, like, this character's such a blank slate that he can't, it can't exist.

Like, what are they going to write about? How are they going to give character to this, like, absolute absence of character? Mm-hmm. And what did you find? I found a lot, actually. Like, there's tons of stories about Master Chief having, like, romantic relationships with people, with aliens in the story, with characters from other franchises. and like they did like I read some of it.

I read the naughty parts basically. And they did give like they made Master Chief way more interesting than he is in the game. Like, you know, he had longing. He had love. He had feelings. And, you know, he was way more complex than just being like a genetically modified super soldier that was conscripted by the United Nations Space Command into a war with aliens called the Covenant. So you didn't see actual, like, were you looking for pornographic images? No, I wasn't.

I was just looking for stories, but I guess now I'll see if there are pornographic images. I have to imagine that there's going to be some pornographic images out there. Master Chief Halo Rule 34. Yeah, hit that image search button. So far I'm not seeing, I'm seeing like, I mean, the thing that's funny since he never takes his helmet off. It's like buff oil dudes wearing a space helmet. Are you on Rule 34.xxx searching? No, is that a thing?

Oh, yeah. There's several sites that are like that, that are specifically niche for people searching such as yourself. Oh, there's a... Oh, no. Oh, no. What did you see? I think one of the better sites for this, having looked at this kind of stuff before trying to find, does porn of it exist,

is this rule 34. pahill.net, which is kind of like a weird site. Rule 34. p-a-h-e-a-l? Yeah. When I quickly looked at this site, there was, you know, I don't know if you guys heard the news, but the beloved children's author Eric Carl.

The guy who wrote The Very Hungry Caterpillar. Yes. He just died age 91. And right up on the little corner of this website, there is a little thing you can go, the very horny caterpillar. Oh, Jesus Christ. I got to admit, I got to click through on this. I got to find out what this is going to.

Oh, my God. It's just the very famous cover of the book, The Little Caterpillar, but you can see he has a large green penis, erect penis attached to him. When I was doing Google Image Searches, there wasn't much Master Chief pornography, but on Pahill, there's a lot of him having sex with, like, other masked-helmeted people. So, like, the main character of the video game, Doom. And then it's all of the aliens from the game having sex with each other, basically. Thanks, thanks, Katie.

Did you find out what you were looking for with the compost toilet? I'm curious. You know, I constantly think about, like, I'm constantly fixated on the fact that the world's ending and that our children are going to have terrible lives because there's going to be climate wars and all kinds of stuff. So I was like, I'm always like, what can I, what little things can I do? And then I started reading about compost toilets and I was like, this might be a bridge too far for me. This like might be too much like hands on poop for me to deal with. Why?

Why is that a bridge too far for you? I mean, it's really, all it is is just like you poop in a bucket with sawdust in it. And the sawdust in the poop are supposed to mix together and make coffee. But it's like you have to dump it out and clean it out. Like I don't know if I could do it. Like put together a compost toilet and, oh, there's the very horny caterpillar. Okay. You saw it, right?

I mean. Yep. Okay. Alex, let's do one last search. Okay. What's the last one you want to ask Katie about? Yeah, mine feel so tame comparatively. But I'll see.

what we can figure out. This one's small, but it seemed so specific. Unless there's some phrase, unless it's a phrase that I'm not understanding, you searched Madonna hates flowers. I was trying to remember, so there's a video of her,

being handed a big bouquet of flowers, and it is a kind of flower that at the time I could not remember the name of this flower, and I was outside, and I was looking at these flowers, flowers, big blue or white, bushy things. And I was trying to remember what they were called. And I could not for the life of me.

And I didn't, I was like, blue flower. Like, how can I figure out? And I knew that there was this video of Madonna being handed a bouquet by, like, a fan. And then she, like, hands, she's like on a hot mic. So I think it's like a press conference or something. Like, she's, you know, she says like, oh, thank you so much to the person. And then she goes, I hate hydrangees. Oh, my God.

And, like, she's so, like, offended that someone gave her. like, ugh, these flowers, which I love hydrangeus. They're beautiful. Yeah, they're beautiful. The only reason to hate a flower is if you're either allergic to it or if you're like so, so rich that you have to invent things to be mad at. And I think she's round two. Yeah. There's, I mean, you could also just like not like the way a flower smells, Alex. Like, do you like the way baby's breath smells? Baby's breath is a kind of flower? Yeah. Or are you just talking to? about like putting my face in front of a child.

It's like if you get a like a bouquet of roses from like the grocery store or whatever, like kind of like buff it up. I'm not sticking my nose and flowers. If they, if they smell, that's fine. But it's like I'm not sticking my nose and flowers. It's just, it's like, it's like flowers are nice to look at. I don't care how they smell. They smell, they all smell fine to me.

Can I ask you one more thing, Alex? Because there's one thing that like jumped out of us. I'm intrigued. Berries and cream lad. Oh my God. I know why he searched that one. Alex, I don't know why Alex chose, I think he chooses each person on staff for a while just to, like, send his favorite YouTube videos to for a while. And so, like a week ago, Alex, right?

Yeah, I sent you that. If you search berries and cream lad, you'll find it right away. Berries and Cream Lad. It's a Starburst commercial. where there are these two guys, and they're standing against a wall. One of them says, hey, have you tried these new berries and cream Starburst? And then you hear a voice say, excuse me, did you say berries? And the camera, the shot switches, and it's like a guy wearing like, he's got like an ascot,

and he's wearing like high boots and like tights. And he looks ridiculous. And then he sings a song and does a dance. And it goes, berries and cream, berries and cream. I'm a little latter likes berries and green. This is actually what it meant was just like whenever I saw Alex on video next, I got a nice little impersonation. I feel like this is a very, I mean, that was uploaded 2007,

but I don't know when you suspect that was from, but it feels very 2007 because that's like approximately that like Skittles taste the rainbow ad campaign. Those ads were so fucking funny. One of those Skittles ads, was legitimately, I found it like really tragic. It was about a guy who, whenever he touched something, it turned into Skittles. And they're like, hey, show them that cool thing you can do with Skittles. And he's like, cool.

Is it cool? And then he starts talking about how sad it is that he can't touch anything. And there's one line in it, which is, I shook a man's hand the other day. He'll never see his family again. And I'm like, oh, my God. That's so sad. And then it ends with the phone ringing. And he tries to pick up the phone and it turns into Skittles.

And he gets mad and slams his fists on it. desk and the desk turns into Skittles. Anyway, I like dumb shit. Whatever. Thanks for coming on and doing this, Katie. It was illuminating to have someone else look at my Google searches. This was fun. I enjoyed looking at your history.

It's, I feel like I know, I feel like I know you better. And yet not at all. After the break, Alex considers leaving his attic. Alex Goldman. Oh, Damiana Marquetti. Hello. Hi, how are you? I didn't see you there in this video chat.

We've been sitting here for 13 minutes talking about your children and how you say pee-poo-poo to them. So do not lie. It's true. It's true. So I actually called you here because I have one quick announcement I want to make before we end the show. Okay. So I had an idea that I wanted to ask our listeners about. But we're really lucky because.

You're in New Jersey. I'm in Brooklyn. Like, things are changing. Like, it's not that way in a lot of the world, but, like, in New York, things are opening back up. We're doing things again. And it's made me curious to hear about the people who have been, like, sitting on changes that are really scary or really exciting. Like, are there any things that you want to do?

Man. No, I've spent the last year in my attic. plugging wires into synthesizers. I'm going to do the exact same thing when I'm done. Are there people that you are going to finally see? I mean, I didn't get to, I haven't been able to see my mom. She turns 80 this year.

Yeah. And so, you know, I don't think she listens to the show, so I can say that I'm trying to plan like a birthday party for her. That's big. Going to Florida, birthday parties. I mean, you planning a birthday party feels very big to me.

Can I just ask, like, What are your plans for the birthday party? When I say I'm planning a birthday party, I more mean like I'm planning on showing up and being nice. But honestly, I mean, even though it's small and not life-changing, it feels really big to go to Florida. No, absolutely. So, I don't know.

That feels exciting. So, yeah, I'm glad you're going to go see your mom. But actually, like, the question I had for people is basically, like, as things are reopening in some places, is there like a big change that you've just been holding your breath on? Holding your breath on throughout the pandemic or maybe your whole life that as things are changing, like you're like finally going to get to. But also like I know that the United States is in a super privileged position where like a lot of people are getting vaccinated. Things feel like they're going back to some version of normal. But I know that for a lot of places that's not true at all.

Yeah. Things are very different, pretty much everywhere else. Yeah. And so, like, if your life still feels like it's completely frozen, like you're just stuck in COVID land forever, or if it feels like it's just getting worse. I want to know, like, what's the thing you're most looking forward to when things start to reopen where you are? So, Alex, where should people write us? You should write us at Reply All at gimbledmedia.com. and use the subject line 18 months in. Anything else? Uh, I don't know.

Everybody's always dogging on me about my attic. I like it up here. How many synthesizers would you say that you ordered this year? I can count. Pulsar, the Quontrented Storm, the Critter and Guitary. I can already hear us fading down on you. I traded my OB6 for a profit six, so that's technically not getting a new one. This episode of Reply All was produced by me, Lisa Way.

with Fia Benin and Anna Foley. It was edited by Tim Howard, additional help from the rest of the Reply All crew, Anna Chin, Domino Marquetti, and Jessica Young. We're hosted, of course, by Alex Goldman and Amano Jocchi. This episode was mixed by Rick Kwan, with fact-checking by Matthew Brown. Music in this episode is from Breakmaster Cylinder,

Mariana Romano and Alex Goldman. And our theme song is by the Mysterious Breakmaster Cylinder. Special thanks to Ashley Feinberg. You can subscribe to her newsletter at Trashburg.com. That's Trashb-E-R-G.com. Also thanks to Paul Kowski, Jennifer Shippon, and Eric M. And we really, really want to give a huge shout out to our outgoing intern, Navani Otero, who has been amazing, amazing.

And that brings me to the fact that we're actually looking for our new intern. We're hiring for both a fall 2021 intern and a spring 2022 intern. If you'd like to apply or read more about the job, go to reply all show.com slash internship. Thanks for listening and we'll see you in two weeks.