Review Revue - Advent Calendars

Episode Date: December 12, 2023

Reilly and Alf are back to read reviews on Advent Calendars!>>>>><<<<<Follow at:IG: @reillyanspaugh @alfredinnitTwitter: @reilecoyote Join the discord here!Produced by Daniel Ramos @SchubirdsAdvertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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White guys and anthropomorphic And of all the harm that Alfred done Alas it was to none but he From that time he took an axe And swung it into his own face. So raise to me your parting ass and call me Mr. Jeffrey James. Wowie zowie i've always said we need more old lang syne core on the show we need more trad songs so that was connor finnegan i'm glad you didn't give away the chorus. It just says, Parting Glass Song Parody.

And the body of the email says, I don't know what to say about this one, man. So the Parting Glass is a Scottish traditional song that's sung a lot in Ireland. And now it's kind of about an ass. Because the lyrics are actually really beautiful to the Parting Glass and made even more beautiful

by the parting ass alfrini teeny bobeenie rileeney tiny bobeenie we rarely do evening records seldom seldom and so the energy already feels crazy I was doing fine until this very minute. And now I'm like, this doesn't feel right. The sun's down. I'm thinking about, we can say it, Sunday Scaries. Oh, you're thinking about it. You're thinking about it or you're like feeling it, experiencing it? Both.

Both. Both. And yeah, how was your, we haven't recorded in a couple weeks because no we banked some eps and so this is the first time we're recording in a minute and it like i missed it i missed you i missed you okay you're talking to me like you're picking up your dog from the camel good boy were you good boy. Were you good while I was away? How have you been? What have you been up to? Oh, well, since we haven't spoken since the last time we recorded. I've been good.

I've been good. I mean, it got cold here that winter. She came. And it's... don't grin. You can't say that. You can't say that. Grinning because I said the word came. You can't say that.

Anyway, it's cold and I'm like. Every time, every, can I just say. I know. This is our last kind of normal ep before we do, by the way. Reminder, reminder, you have until literally tomorrow. This comes out on what, the 14th, I think? No. No.

Tomorrow, the 13th, is your last day to vote for the best of the year of Review Review episodes. There is a link in the Instagram bio of Review Review on Instagram and there's a link in bio of my bio at RileyAntoine on Instagram. Go out and vote.

Tomorrow's your last day. If you're in line to vote for a review, best of, stay in line. But I will say, because this is the last normal episode we're recording this year, I would say 98% of the time that I'm like, what's new with you?

You're like, it's hot. It's cold. It's so cold. Oh, it's so hot. We fight. We make up. We fight. We make up. We kiss. We break up.

You should hang yourself with your H&M scarf. You PMS. Like a bitch. I should know. Recently, we're analyzing the lyrics of You're So Gay by Miss Catherine Perry. And it's pretty special. You're so gay and you don't even like penis.

You don't even like... Is the final, the earnest, not a joke final. And you don't even like penis. Penis. So anyway, what's new with me Thank you so much. Her name's Catherine with a Y. Did you know that? No. Yeah. What's new with me? Thank you so much. Did you know that? No. Yeah. What's new with me is that I,

this isn't even a what shook me because I'm enjoying it right now. And I'm enjoying it too much to say anything else later. I got a peppermint mocha almond milk creamer for coffee. And I'm having it right now. And it's delicious. I'm really, for me to ring in a season, it's about the food and Bev.

I feel that. So ultimately when it was fall, I had a bit of, you know, pumpkin up in there. And now it's a little holiday season. I got a little peppermint mocha in my cup. What will you do in January? Champagne. Black coffee. Black coffee.

Black coffee with gin in it. Uh, yeah. But yeah, that's what's new with me. I need to, I have not gotten nary a present for anybody at the time of recording. I thought you were going to say, I haven't gotten nary a present from anybody. I haven't gotten nary a present from anybody. Nobody's given me a present. And it's already December 10th.

Um, yeah, I, I. Tell me about it. Tell me about it. My love, let's just about it. My love... Let's just say this. My love language is not gift-giving. Same. Let's just say that.

Let's go. And I say all the time, I'm like, Daniel, I'm shit at giving gifts. And he's like, no, you're not. But you manifest that for yourself the amount of times you say, I'm bad at giving gifts. I'm bad at giving gifts.

This is... I don't know, but I can't believe we've never talked about this. I suck. I'm terrible at gift-giving. I don't like it. I'm really bad at it. It stresses me out. I wish we as a culture would just let go of her.

Just say, I feel bad sometimes, especially it's like when you're given a gift by someone, it's like, I was like, Oh my God, that's amazing. Thank you so much.

And then it's like, Oh shit, you weren't on my list to get a gift. Even in my consciousness as a, as something I would have to work. My family, we barely do gifts anymore. It's like, I, sometimes you family we barely do gifts anymore it's like

I sometimes you get a gift and and it's a gif and it's a gif and it's an NFT and you're like why did you spend money on this

sometimes you get a gift and the real gift for me would be not the wrapping paper not making me feel like I have to get you a gift would be a gift

and when you've given me a gift what you've actually given me is a curse. The thing is, when I do successfully give a gift, I'm one of those people. It's like I get someone's like whenever I get Daniel anything, I like just about tell him what it is as soon as I get it. Because I'm so excited that I got something that I think someone would like. My mom's love language is gift giving. She fucking loves giving gifts and she's very good at it. And Elizabeth Valenti, that's her love language as well. She loves giving gifts and she's very good at it. And Elizabeth Valenti, that's

her love language as well. She loves gift giving and she's incredibly good at it. My love language, my main one to give and receive is quality time. So I've realized instead of putting pressure on myself to buy things for somebody, which is very nice, I will like buy things for somebody.

Instead of like, I boxed up this thing that I bought for you. It will be like, I want to take you to dinner. I want to take you to Color Me Mine. I want to like go do an experience with you and spend time with you, an activity. And that is where I shine. That's where I shine.

But you can't wrap that up for Christmas. You can't wrap that in a box. Sorry, just to be clear, you think that where you shine is that you're the present. I shine when I take someone to color me mine. The real gift, bitch, being with me. I shine at color me mine. Being my friend, that's the only present a girl could ask for.

What's your love language? Hula hoop. I don't know. Got it. Should we talk about it? Come on, man. I don't know. I can't remember.

It's been so fucking long probably like since you've been or given love since i've felt it's been so long since i've been love no i think it's probably yeah quality time seems right you're just saying no no i love that one yours is actually physical touch but you don't want to seem like a lech. Mine's probably gropage. My love language just cut me to feel. Literally you. But speaking of gift giving, speaking of opening a prezzy. Opening doors.

Speaking of giving a prezzy. A prezzy presentation. Stop. You just unlocked something with prezzy. Holy cow. We're talking about something exciting. Zoom in. Exciting. Okay. We're going into the E.

We're talking about something exciting. We're talking about something kind of like anticipatory. Anticipatory. We're talking about Advent. I forgot what it was called for a second. Advent. We're talking about Advent calendars. Talk to me about Advent.

I love Advent calendars. Vent to me about Advent calendars. When I was a kid, my mom would do an Advent calendar for me and my brother every year. And it was great. She would make one for you or buy one so we had this like cloth like old like cloth oh yes yes and you'd and you yep i had that too okay twinging and then yeah and it was just like fun to like get up every what did you get did you get like candy did you get little toys? Yeah, it was a mix. It could be a little chocolate guy or it could be

a little trinket, a little doodad, some kind of little plaything, little toy. I need to look something up really quick because I have a question. Hold on. I'm just curious about the origin of the Advent calendar and I'm wondering if they are of Christian origin. Traditionally Advent calendars have been inherently religious. Hold on. Is Advent? Okay, Advent is a season observed in most Christian denominations.

Okay, got it. Because I grew up in a Catholic home. And so we had Advent calendars. Yeah, right, right. Yeah, I too had an Advent calendar. And it was usually filled with like a little chocolate Santa or like a little chocolate something. It was mostly chocolate all the time. Yeah.

And maybe on the, for those of you who don't know what an advent calendar is, it could be a cloth. It's basically, it's like, it's a little calendar. It's for December, but it all leads up to Christmas. So it's like you have 25 days of an advent calendar and each day you get a little thing and it's fun way to count down to Christmas. Most of the time for me, it would be chocolate. And the 25th one would just be the biggest chocolate.

It was just 25 days of chocolate. 25 days where the chocolate doubles in size every day. I couldn't have been happier. And by the end of the 25th day, your whole house is chocolate. Yeah. I'm making chocolate, of course. So I love it. I'm making chocolate, of course. So I love an advent calendar. I'm making chocolate, of course.

When Alf suggested this topic, I got very excited and I immediately started looking him up. And there are so, we might have to do advent calendar, even if you guys don't like this episode, we might have to do advent calendars too next year. Even when you guys don't like this episode,

we're probably going steal it because there are so many kinds of advent we might do an advent calendars too in march that's how excited i am by this topic alf what kind of advent calendars did you see i saw first one literally for some reason, the first one that popped up on Amazon was Grogu, a Baby Yoda Star Wars one. I saw that one too! When I looked at it, it was like, I was like, oh, okay, so it's going to be chocolate, and the chocolate's going to be in the shape of Grogu. Going to be Grogu.

No. Every single day was the same chocolate, and it was just the Star Wars logo. No. What? You're lying. It's like there was no Grogu. There was no... That is wild. Yeah, because I was like, oh, maybe it'll be like every

day a different Star Wars character molded in chocolate. Or at the very least, Grogu. And it's just the logo. It's just Star Wars. At the very least, Grogu. That is crazy. And the font from the logo. It's just Star Wars. At the very least, Grogu. That is crazy. And the font from the Star Wars. You know the font.

You know Star Wars from Star Wars? I saw there was one that, it's a Halloween advent calendar. Sure, why not? And every day you get a different figurine of like a halloween character and there was one that was like also i think maybe on the front on the box of like the advent thing itself it's like it's jack skellington and so the reviews i didn't pick any reviews for this one but the reviews are like are people being like this one is not nightmare before christmas i was led to believe that it was by the packaging but it's in fact just kind of generic horror creatures.

And that was very funny to me. I know, I was surprised by the number of people who... It was like fidget toys, a lot of stuff. Right, who's like, expectations seemed way too high. I was like, it's 30 bucks. Like, that's a dollar a day like i don't know why you're expecting and so with that it's like there's it's gonna be some if it's not candy or chocolate it's gonna be some kind of like little cheapo plastic have you bought yourself

any abing count like because they do i have i have some friends and i think this you know which kind of reminds me of what you would do um okay like especially like i'm sure it's gonna be really cool especially like the wine you know like a different wine every day or like a different whiskey every day different bottle right and well that's sort of how i used to live um both advent and then every other season um but but no that's like how i mostly remember you during the easter season yeah yeah i used to do an Easter advent calendar, which was every day I would hide my drinking in a different way. But no, I don't. I saw one the other day, an ad on Instagram that was for like, you know, the Bon Mary.

Is that the name of it? The little jam company, you know, the jam. Oh, yes. And each day was a different jam. That's delightful. I would buy that for myself just to fucking break up the monotony like to be like oh today is gonna be black current and tomorrow's peach but then i was like do i eat jam every day like that's all like even though

they're little jars like that's a lot of jam and then you're like okay well i'll get to it later i'll get to fix me jam advent calendar save me And then by January, you've got like a stock. There's like a dozen different little jams you never got to. And you're like, well, I guess I should. And it's like, I don't really want to try the like dill pickle jam. Because, you know, 30 days, like 25 days, you're going to run out of jam. Anyway, I guess. There's only so many jams.

I guess I thought about the jam thing a lot. You didn't do that, though? You never bought yourself one of those different cheese? I thought about doing a cheese one. I love cheese. The thing is, I am such an impatient person and that's so true i'm always thinking about you well to buy it as an adult i'm like you would just open them buy a bunch oh come on oh i guess i see what you mean well i mean like you know it's like if i wanted all that cheese i'd be like oh i'll just buy that but it's impossible rather than like it's like if I wanted all that cheese, I'd be like, oh, I'll just buy that cheese. But it's impossible. Rather than like.

It's hard to surprise yourself as an adult. You know what I mean? Nah, that's, that's, I surprise myself every day. Yeah, you go on Amazon Fresh, you get blackout drunk and you order a bunch of cheese. And then you're like, whoa, it's like I have a calendar, but all at once. In many ways, I'll get 25 kind of small Amazon boxes at my door. And that's my advent. Should we get into it?

No. Because you've skipped something. Do you want to start or should I? Because we both- Every week with this. Every week. It's like you- Sorry that I'm excited to do improv.

Sorry that I'm excited. If I wasn't here, it's like you wouldn't even remember, and that hurts me. If I wasn't even here, we wouldn't even have an intention. If it weren't for me- Think about that. There wouldn't be an intention, you ungrateful little bitch. Cow. This is

going to be the most surprising episode. I think we've done it. Someone said in the Discord, I feel like every other week is nostalgic. It's going to be the most bovine episode. I think we've literally done that. No, we have not done a bovine episode.

I genuinely think we might have. No, we haven't. I genuinely think. Fine, this is going to be the most equine. No, that was horse recording schools. God damn it. This is going to be the most advantageous. Advantageous.

Okay, define that. Come on, advantageous. This is going to be the most advantageous. This is going to be the most, this is going to be the most, what the fuck? What's the definition for advantageous? This is going to be the most advantageous. This is going to be the most, this is going to be the most, what the fuck? How would you describe advantageous? Hold on. But you know what I mean? Advantageous.

It's going to be the most involving or creating favorable circumstances that increase the chances of success or effectiveness or beneficial. Great, great, great. It's going to be the most that episode yet. Okay, that sounds, yeah. No, that's totally playable you want to start or should i um i'd like you to start because you seemed excited and this is me you also seem like a gift i could give you is this your gift to me is this your christmas gift to me so that was a little backup gift okay here, here we go. This is for, oh my God.

New 2023 Advent countdown calendar. It could be secular. It could be Advent, whatever you want. Advent countdown calendar. Amazing magic. 24 easy to learn magic kits. Comes with a step-by-step picture guide and video guide for kids age eight plus. The perfect magician starter kit.

So it is a magic advent calendar. Each day is a different trick. That is really cool. It's very cool. But keep in mind, it is for kids eight and up. Okay, so kind of- That's very important. Maybe don't get this for your toddler.

So four stars from Michelle. You can give Michelle an entirely original last name okay michelle yo academy award-winning actor academy award winner michelle yo four stars the title all caps fun exclamation Exclamation point. Okay. Great fun. I bought this for my five-year-old. He's still a bit too young for the card tricks included in the box, but those I perform for him.

So far, the variety does not disappoint. Instructions are clear and easy to follow. For the chance they aren't, QR code is included to watch an instructional video. I'm very pleased with this product and would definitely recommend it. Hit first part again that first part's the only part that matters i bought this for my great fun first of all i bought this for my five-year-old he's still a bit too young for the card tricks included in the box but those i perform for him. This Advent calendar

is an excuse for Michelle Yeoh to perform for her child every single day. It's giving stage mom but for magician. It's giving like, oh gosh, I didn't even realize

that you're too young but you still, I mean like I could if you wanted and the kids just kind of sit in the mirror like, yeah. Like it's, it, I could, if you wanted. And the kid's just kind of sitting there like, yeah. Like, it's what happens at the end of the month, though.

That's what's devastating. I feel like I've been talking about my drinking a lot this episode, but it does remind me of when I used to show up to a party with a case of beer and then drink all of it. And then, like, be like, oh, no, this is for everybody, guys. Don't worry. Don't worry. Like, it's my contribution, man. 12 beers later, the fucking thing's empty.

No, no. These tricks, you're going to love these tricks, little dude. Just let me practice them, make sure they're safe for kids. And then also, what if it's like, it's like, okay, he can't, the little kid can't do the card tricks. What if there is like a hiding the ball under the cup kind of trick? And he's like, oh yeah, I can do that. And mom's like, oh, well, oh well oh oh i mean i think you're ready i was gonna but yeah it's very funny it's

like that but then also when the month ends and mommy doesn't have any tricks to perform for baby what does she do what does mommy do drop something i don't know what it was. Oh, it was my sunnies. Oh, wow! Mom, Merry Christmas! I can't believe the day is finally here! And even better than the presents from Santa, I get to open the last day of our Advent calendar! That's true, little one. Why don't you go over there and see what Chris Angel left for you, you little mind freak.

Wow! Oh, wow. This is a really intricate kit. It says for kids 13 and up. Oh, but you're smart. You can figure it out. I don't know. It's really heavy, too.

Oh, man. That's how you know it's quality. I don't know if I can use it. Oh, well, maybe when I'm a big kid one day I can use it. No, why don't we do it together? Why don't we? Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You'll teach me how? Once I get the ropes, you know, done, once I get everything down. Well, maybe we could learn it together. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll teach me how? Once I get the ropes, you know, done, once I get everything down. Well, maybe we could learn it together. Yeah, yeah, yeah, maybe. And maybe you and your sister can sit and watch me do it. And that's sometimes the best way to learn is by watching someone else do it. Did you know that? Hey, honey.

Hey, honey. I need a little help. Santa's elves need a little help in the kitchen making the pancakes for the kids. Merry Christmas, by the way. I love you more than anything. I love you too. Like so much. Sorry, this is just like,

I don't know where this is coming from. You've certainly gotten in quite the festive mood today, Bradley. It's Christmas. Sure is. I can't help if I love my sexy wife Oh Brad I'm sorry

Put me on the naughty list Hey put me on the naughty list Dad stop get out of here Why don't you go help daddy in the kitchen I'm gonna Just crack into this See if we can't figure this out Oh is that

Is that Timmy's magic trick? Yeah, it's our magic trick. Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's Timmy, little man, I can't wait to see you whip that shit out, you little mind freak. Sorry, I'm like so jazzed on Christmas. It's like, Brad, you just go back

in the kitchen, okay? Alright, alright. Do you want me to help daddy or help you learn the trick that we can help daddy you guys come back in like 25 minutes um all right all right little man why don't you come help me you said you needed help brad he's jacks yeah i'm gonna go help daddy and then i can't wait to learn the trick with you thank you for unwrapping it mommy with you hey angela brad wait to learn the trick with you. Thank you for unwrapping it, Mommy. Yeah, I'm with you. Hey,

Angela. Brad. You're looking gorgeous. You are my little sugar plum. Get your tuchus in there before I kiss you on the mouth. Oh, uh-oh. Uh-oh. I'm lingering in the doorframe. Don't linger.

Uh-oh. You might have to kiss me on the mouth. Nope, nope, nope, nope. The disappearing kiss, my greatest trick of all. Now get back in there, you goofer. Come on, it's Christmas. What if we had a kiss? We're not allowed. Not until New Year's.

You remember the rule. Get back in there. I thought our annual kiss could come early this year. Or maybe we could even do two. Oh, someone's getting greedy. Get back in there and make this pancakes you old stud muffin. Come on. Come on.

How about a kiss on the cheek? Brad. Get in there. I like when you talk to me that way for fuck's sake Brad desperate desperate man god you make me sad sometimes okay oh god you know no one ever talks to me the way you do Angela

and it gets me going I'll be flapping these jacks in the kitchen I'll see you later you sexy sexy woman. You sad, sad man. Leave the room. Okay, I'm just going to crack into this kit now that the ball and chain is finally out the way.

Okay, it's simple enough. Oh, Mommy, I have the QR code for the video. We could watch it together. I don't think I need that. I studied. Remember we talked about how Mommy used to do this for a living? So she's actually pretty good. Oh, okay.

It's just that it's narrated by Criss Angel, and it could be fun to watch it together. Yeah, he gives me weird vibes. I'm going to be honest with you. I don't love him. So I would prefer not to have that influence on you because as much as you are my little mind freak I really hope you grow up to be more like

David Blaine. Okay. I'll go in the kitchen with dad. Thank you. Shut the door this time. No interruptions. Alrighty. Shut the door this time. No interruptions. All righty. No interruptions.

All righty. This is a pretty simple. This is a variation on the traditional method, so it should be pretty simple to work out the angles. Hey, sweetie. Yes? I know you just said no interruptions, and I know you're learning the trick to teach our line freak. But I can't help but just feel so intoxicated by the Christmas spirit.

I'm leaving. And intoxicated by your holiday pheromones in the living room. I'm going on a walk. What? What happened? I mean, first of all, I don't think we're ever going to have breakfast. I mean, you barely cracked an egg in there. You know, you're so horned up, you can barely see. So I'm just going to go take a walk around the block, wait for you to cool off.

Oh, is that code for something? Or should we take a walk around the block? Yeah, it is code. I might get a little high. High on my pheromones? No, Brad. I'm so tired of this game. Timmy, why don't you put your headphones in? Listen to that Criss Angel podcast.

Honey, what- what- are you mad at me? I'm not mad, Brad. I'm just tired. Are you sad at me? Yes, I'm sad i'm just tired are you sad yes i'm sad at you you make me sad sometimes what did i do my sexy little christmas angel on the top of the tree it's like how did we end up like this i don't like what we have a beautiful home we both are the we both bring a lot of money to this family and timmy is the sweetest little mind freak ever. When we met, I was one of the top performers in Vegas. I would sell out every night.

Yeah, you were. And you were my- Yeah, in that sexy little three-piece suit you wore with all the fixings and the bedazzled butt and the bolo tie on both breasts. And you were my little animal tamer. You know? And when they sent you from the agency, I had my doubts at

first that you were going to be able to hang with the tigers. I know my way around a big cat. You sure do. And, um, I don't know. Sometimes I just I think back to how we were then young and powerful and I just wonder what happened to us, you know? I mean, biggest trick I can pull seems to be getting the kids to school on time, and the only big cat you seem to be taming is Kathy from Finance.

Well, honey, I feel like I'm in... I'm pulling the greatest trick of all. I'm the disappearing man. I'm invisible to you. I put myself under a sheet. You can't even see me. Now you see me, now you don't. I am trying to tame your big cat

every single day. But all I get from you is two kisses a year one on my birthday and one on new year's what happened to our spark our passion rad i feel like houdini right now because that was a punch to the gut that's how houdini died remember he was punched really hard in the stomach during a show. Brad, they thought they would have taught you this in circus school. I just handled the pussy.

Oh, Brad, you shouldn't talk like that. I know Timmy has his noise-canceling headphones on, but Roblox and Criss Angel can only be so loud. Angela, I love you. I felt the disconnect between us two. It's like you're the assistant and you've been sawed in half. One part of you is still living in the past

and the other part of you is here trying to show our kid up with a children's magic trick. I feel like a bunny suffocated inside that hat, died before the trick could even come off, and then you just pull a dead rabbit out on stage and everybody screams.

I'm trying to treat you like a dove that I've kept in my breastcoat pocket and I'm ready for you to be free and fly out into the audience and then back on my shoulder like a well-trained bird. Then let's move back to Vegas, Brad. That's no place to raise a child.

It was good enough for me, wasn't it? I treaded the strip every day as a kid and look how I turned out. Not too bad. He'd make it. Not too bad at all. You're perfect. But, I don't know. He hates his school. He hates his school. I don't want Timmy to get his hopes up.

He hates his school. He hates all those little kids. He wants to be the biggest magician in the world. I know he hates other kids. He's very kid reactive. But I don't want to get his hopes up. What? We're going to raise him in Circus Circus?

Why not? In Treasure Island? Is that so crazy? I guess you're right. What's the harm? If anything else, you know, when he grows up, it'll be a good story. That's the... That's the kitty tamer I married.

Come here. Cut to seven months later, they're living in the Palms, Las Vegas. Not even in a suite, just a regular room. This is the life. Oh my god, I never thought I could be happier than I was seven months ago. Leave here, Brad.

Hey, mom? Timmy, my little guy, how are we? Hey. Son, how was school? Again, Dad, I don't... You call it school, but you just kind of send me down to the conference center with a coloring book. And I'm, one, too old for that.

And two, I want to learn math. Magic. Yes, you want to learn magic. I understand. Math, Mom. Yes, magic. Math is magical. Of course.

I am a magician, and i know that but i'm also still a kid that's a good point brad we should we should try and find him representation um that's very yeah oh my god you are the sexiest brad i now. Those eyes away from me. Timmy, go back to the conference center. Your dad and I need to have a business conversation. Okay. Can I at least have a deck of cards to practice with? Here's $100. Go buy one.

That'll do me. Brad, I still have all this money from when I was in the Vegas show. Why don't we get an apartment? Why do we stay in this hotel? Why are we doing it like this? We're staying in the Palms because we want to be where the action is. We want to be on the strip. We want to be in the room where it happens.

Where else is it happening more than the Palms? Call Martin. See if he can get me a spot. Martin short isn't that active in vegas i'll do tuesdays fine steve call anyone i'm sure the town's different from when we were here can't be that different you can still smoke inside can't you you? Well, we can do that. I wonder if... Hey, you don't need Martin, Steve, or Short, or anybody else. Let's you and me go on the strip.

We'll do a guerrilla magic show. And I'm sure that a big wig... Hey, come on. Like we used to. I'm sure a big wig Vegas exec will see us and book us on the main stage of the Mirage ASAP. Let's go, you big, beautiful bastard. Cut to the strip. You there, madam!

You look like you have the heart of a gorilla. What? I'm here on my 80th anniversary. Well, I'm the Gorilla Gorilla Magician, performing gorilla magic with me and my trusty companion, the Gorilla Gregory. Brad, tone it down. What's your name, madam? Kathy. Oh, Kathy. That name makes me go bananas. Well, if you're a magician, what's the magic? I haven't got all day.

Okay, pick a card. I'm going to see Zumanity at 7. Zumanity? I bet they don't even have a live gorilla like we do. Isn't that right? No, it's the sex or desolation. Oh, well, then why is the animal in there? Just get to the trick. Okay, pick a card

you old bit. Okay, I got it. It's an ace of hearts. Oh, I didn't want you to tell me, so why don't we Well, you didn't tell me not to tell you. I feel like it's table stakes for pretty much every magic trick that if I ask you to take a card

you don't just read it aloud to the room. Fine, I'll take another one. Thank you, Kathy, was it? Yes. Okay. You looking at it? Yes, do you want me to tell you or no? No, I do not want you to tell me, Catherine.

Okay, I will. All righty. Here's a sharpie. I want you to write something unique on there something only you would know like your social security number

do you want me to tell you what it is or just write it Catherine alrighty thank you now I'm gonna feed it to my gorilla Okay, tone it down, tone it down Here's your card, and now here's the other 50-odd cards in the deck

Munch away, Gregory You have to swallow them The trick doesn't work unless you swallow them Do you want another Gatorade? We have a Gatorade in the cooler. Okay, but the red! Only the red! We're out of reds. You drank them all this morning with that fucking group of tourists. But it won't go down without the red!

Okay, I mean, I have orange. That's fine, it's close enough. Here you go. Whoa, Catherine, bet you've never seen anything like that before no I haven't seen a grown man in a gorilla suit chug an or a hot orange Gatorade you're crazy this is Gregory the gorilla now Gregory why don't you throw up wait what that wasn't you throw up? Wait, what? That wasn't

You said that you'd pull it out of my hair You have to raise the stakes, Gregory Vomit I can't I have a phobia about that Oh, okay I guess we moved to Vegas for nothing I wish we uprooted our child's life for no fucking reason

I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it I'll do it Put some fingers out his throat. Just dry. Whoa, Kathy. Bet you don't see this at your sex circus. Is this gonna be long? I don't know how long it's gonna take.

Oh, God. And? Is this your card? It doesn't. It just pulls out of a pile of vomit. Oh my god, yeah. I'm gonna hang on to this, but you have a blessed day. Why did you make me eat the whole deck

if all she wanted was to throw up her one card? Gregory, Gregory, my dear sweet boy. We've got three socials, okay? Her plus that couple this morning. We got three social security numbers. We're made. Well, I thought the whole point was to get back in the limelight. Oh, and how do you expect to do that without money?

And how do you expect to get money without identity theft? I love you. I love you. I love you too. Here. Do you want to have sex inside the Treasure Island Pirate Show? Even better. I want to have sex inside the gorilla suit. Make some room in there.

There's room for two. Oh, Christ. Whatever, man. Let's take a break. Yeah, hiatus. And we're back. Caesar. Wait, what is it?

Together. Strong. Oh, it's a little Planet of the Apes impression for you. Apes. Together. Strong. Read your review. Okay, this one is from Caesar the Ape.

And he says, five stars. He says, apes together strong. Humans alone, weak, apes together strong. No, this one is for... Brian, this episode is going to be something else. This is for Advent Calendar for Couples, Daring December. Okay. Okay.

Three stars from Jessica. Oh, Nearly Dogster, Jessica M. Jessica Messica. Jessica Messica, three stars. Read the reviews. So, purchased five of these for my nieces and nephews for Christmas. Sorry, really quick. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

We'll get to that in a second. Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. So, the title of the review is Read the Reviews? Read the Reviews is the title of the review. Okay, got it. And the product is Advent Calendar for Couples, Daring December. She bought sex toys for her family.

Let's do it. Well, let's see. Let's see if that's what she did. Let's do it. That's exactly what she did. So, purchased five of these for my nieces and nephews for Christmas. Thought they were all so close and all in committed relationships, it would be fun for them to do together.

What the fuck? Imagine my surprise when my youngest nephew starts giggling with his girlfriend. I didn't want to ask why they were giggling. Just thought it was a funny date night idea. Nope. When everybody left except for one of my nieces, I asked if I could see the calendar. They thought I knew.

Look at the picture with my review. This is sexual in nature and for people over the age of 18. Now, all of us laughed until we cried, and I'm the most talked about aunt this year. LOL. Babies for Thanksgiving 2023. Winky face. So it starts out she's horrified. I've bought sex objects for my

nieces and nephews, and by the end she's like, I'm goaded. I'm the cool aunt. I'm goaded. They're gonna cool aunt. I'm goaded. They're going to be fucking all through the holidays. I'm sorry. How do you see it? I know.

Did she think that it was like, oh, adventure, like thrill-seeking, adrenaline kind of thing? I know. I think she literally saw Advent Calendar for Couples and was like, won't read any further than that. Oh, my God. You're goaded and that is that is what are there examples of like what the things are also in the actual product description all of the little things are covered with a big brick that says NSFW so this is from another review though where someone posted

someone posted and said a little too risque for us uh while I understood there was a sexual component it sounded like there would always be a PG option. Not true. This was not as subtle as I thought. This might be okay for some, but it wasn't for me.

Oh my god! Yeah. Aunt gives you that. You're like, you know, get through. Hold on, we're just going to jump into it. Arthur, that was kind of a crazy gift your aunt gave us tonight. I can't. I mean, I told you, my family.

I mean. No, but they're so funny. Like, I do love them, though. Like, I love that they're not afraid to, like, be themselves. And I love that you can put up with them. I mean, seriously. Oh, wait. Put up with them?

Stop. I had such a blast. I'm glad. They do really like you. I know they sometimes have a funny way of showing it but they they really do that means the world i was so nervous you know it's like i know it's my second christmas with your family and i just like i hope they invite me back for a third you know um yeah i think they're gonna invite you back for a third

it's funny gift gift speaking of a third well night's not over right what if we just like saw what was inside yeah I know we said we would re-gift it yeah but there's nothing that says we can't reopen it and then re-gift it

just because it's been opened they don't have to know that it's been opened. It's not like we're gonna tear through it. Just because it's a sex gift from your aunt doesn't mean that we can't try it. No, and I don't even think she knew when she got, to be honest. Um, you know. Do you wanna

open it, or should I? I think it's weirder if I do it because she was my aunt, you know? Okay. I hope, I mean, I know that like maybe some, I don't know,

maybe some light BDSM we've talked about trying and maybe this will be our push. Maybe, probably not my family's lake house, but maybe. Oh, oh, um no this could be fun okay what is it it's uh um ask your partner uh who they think your hottest friend is oh i don't i don't oh it's silly. Come on. Who do you think? No. Come on. This is a fun icebreaker.

It's silly. It's silly. You're the hottest person in your friend group. Bart. Oh, come on. I know you love me, but I don't know. Who do you think it is? I don't really feel comfortable.

I mean. Do you think it's Sarah? No. Come on. She's so beautiful. She's so beautiful. She's not my type. Okay.

You are. Come on. I love you. I love you. This is just fun. It's like, hey, just because we've been together eight years doesn't mean, you know, you're on a diet, but you can still look at the menu, right? You're a human being. It's Sarah, isn't it?

No, it's not. Oh. No, not, no. And I don't, I, no, sorry. It's none of them. No, it's not. It's none of them. No, Arthur, no, and I don't, I, no, sorry. It's none of them. Who is it? It's none of them. No, Arthur, you can be honest.

It's all in good fun. It's a game. It says on the box, game for couples. Come on. Who is it? Okay, I guess, I don't know. Stephanie is pretty. She's pretty.

Oh, you don't know? She is pretty... She's pretty. Oh, you don't know? She's pretty. Stephanie is pretty. Well, the question... If you read the card, it says... Hottest friend. Okay. Stephanie is your hottest friend.

Okay. Are you mad? No. That's the game. Okay. And we're playing the game. Now you answer. Well, no. That's the game. Okay. And we're playing the game. Now you answer. Well, no, that was my card.

So, that was the first night of the Advent calendar. Guess what we'll do tomorrow to see what the... Well, why don't we just open up the second one? Because we're not, like, it's not like we're actually going to do the whole Advent calendar, are we? Okay, then you be my guest. We're having fun.

I'm having a great time we're having a good time it's adventurous we wanted to be more adventurous okay unless this is too much for you no too much for me please I studied abroad thank you very much I'm worldly

um okay day two oh we're breaking the rules this is kind of risque very much. I'm worldly. Okay. Day two. We're breaking the rules. This is kind of risque, right? That's kind of sexy. Breaking the rules. Are you still mad about this Stephanie thing? No. I'm ready for day two. I'm already

on day two. I'm past it. I'm a day past it. It is almost midnight, so really, we're not even cheating. Let's just do it. Read it. We don't have to do this one. Oh, come on. Come on. I don't think. Come on, Arthur.

We're being adventurous. Read the card. I don't really think you want. I don't want to do this one. I do. I do. Read the card. If it's too much for you, we can stop. It's not too much for me. You said that we wanted to be more adventurous. Ask your partner...

Who the best sex they ever had was. I mean, that's pretty easy for you, probably. Oh, that's a fun card. Right? It's probably... You can just answer this one, and we can be done with this game. It's you. Of course.

Of course it's you, Arthur. Huh. Let's go to bed. Took you a minute to answer there. It's you. I was laughing because it's just a funny- You were really thinking about it, though. I was just thinking that-

You remember how when you asked me the first question. Silly that your aunt gave us this card. I said you are immediately I was deny, deny, deny and then you I wasn't denying anything. I literally just said you You did not literally just say you You waited for about five minutes before you fucking said anything

Okay it was not five minutes. It was maybe like five seconds but I said you Was it Mike? From college? Was it Mike? From college? Was it Mike from college? Arthur, I think you're taking this game too seriously. It's a game, remember? So?

I played volleyball with him. I saw him in those shorts. He was pretty. He's hung. He was hung. He was hung. He was well hung. He was probably better hung than me.

Sure. Wow. he's hung he was hung he was well hung he was probably better hung than me sure wow but that so you miss mike's big dick huh i did arthur what open card three open card three let's just do it if you really want to keep playing this silly little game you can open it no no i'll do it i'll do it. If you really want to keep playing this silly little game, you can open it. No, no, no. I'll do it. I'll do it. Here, let's open it. Oh, oh. How much have you fantasized about bedding Samantha on the ring? That's not. It doesn't say bedding. That's what it says. Oh, it literally what it says. It literally says that.

No, no, no, no. I don't have to. It literally says, hey, Arthur, how often do you think about fucking Samantha and in what position? I don't even remember which one Samantha is. Who, which one is that? That's misogynistic. That's misogynistic.

That's not misogynistic all of your friends yes it is you have a lot you're very well connected person and I don't always keep track of I'm a well connected person what does that even mean please no what does that mean I'm a well connected okay I've thought about it like

twice wow okay I was ready to let that go because i was already on what do you mean you made the question out of your ass you really didn't want to answer it was like two times once at your birthday uh a few years ago and then the other time and then the other time was when we went um we went over to the beach with with her and the guy yeah whatever okay okay yeah okay okay why don't i read one for your honesty no i'm gonna read one day four oh this is crazy that it says this um what really happened at your college reunion? Oh my God, not this again.

Are you kidding me? You're a child. What? You are a literal child. I'm just reading the card. I'm just reading the card. You are a literal? That's not what it says.

That's not what the card says. It's as fucking real as your Samantha one was. You are being a child right now. That was so long ago. That was like, what, five years ago? And yet she does not answer the question does she? Oh my god what?

I got a little. I had a little too much to drink. Is that what you want to hear? And then what? I had a little too much to drink. We did karaoke and sure I took my shirt off but it was like What?

You're finally admitting it. I saw the video. It wasn't just that you took your shirt off. That's literally... I got on the table. I was dancing. I was singing Don't Ya. I took the shirt off.

I shouldn't have done that. And you weren't? I had my bra on. No, you absolutely did not. You absolutely did not. I don't know what video you saw. Oh, I guess you were, you wish it was Samantha

and that she had her jugs out. Don't fucking play this game with me. I saw a video of you dancing on the table at your college reunion stark fucking naked. No top, no bottom. What happened?

Then you got arrested. And you lied about it to me it it didn't go down like that what are we doing i thought that i can i tell you what happened i thought that i had a flesh-colored morph suit on under my clothes and that's maybe what you just know i know that you in college you were the mascot the human worm and you would wear that morph suit I thought I had the flesh colored morph suit on under my clothes but I just don't buy it

I'm sorry I've been with you for 8 years I know when you're fucking lying to my face I think we should I flashed and got arrested I streaked and got arrested you said I got naked and got arrested. I streaked and got arrested. That was what? You said you said I got naked and got arrested. That's what happened.

What do you mean? There's more. I don't want to. We don't have to relitigate this. No, no, no, no. You open up this can of of human worms. Let's do it. Okay, fine. What happened once you got to the station?

When I got to the station, I got to the station I fucked a cop you serious I want to break up I'm sorry I do this is not worth saving also I fucked Samantha I know do we have time for one more Also, I fucked Samantha. I know.

Do we have time for one more? Yeah, I hope so. Advent Calendar 2023, 24 Days of Rocks, Christmas Countdown Calendar, Minerals, Gemstones, and Crystals, Christmas Advent Calendar Stones. I would like to say what the majority of the reviews talk about for this product, and this is not within the review that I picked, but it's only 23 days. And that's like every review being like, why?

Like, I'm going to return. It's only 23 days. Why did they like what happened? They couldn't get another rock. So anyway, here we go. It's really short. This is from Viet H. Viet.

Honey, I'm in the gorilla suit and there's room for one more. Viet, honey, I'm in the gorilla suit and there's room for one more. Five stars. The title is Good Gift for Kids. My kids love it. He put it on his table. He put it on his table. He put it on. My kid loves the rock I got him for Christmas. He even put it on his table.

He's obsessed. Clearly he's obsessed with this rock. I mean, he put it on his table. He wouldn't. I mean, it's like if he didn't love it, he wouldn't put it on his table. You know what I mean? So it's like, that's why I'm a great woman. Sarah, you can't, you keep looking away. Sorry?

It's just like, you know, we're sisters. We only get together, you know, a couple times a year. You know, watching our kids play in the playground it's so crazy and it's just like i'm sharing you know how i've grown as a parent and whenever i do that you laugh i just think um sorry i've just got had a lot on my mind um what's going on you can always tell me sissy i don't want to burden you it's just it's you know samuel samuel we don't hit itissy. I don't want to burden you. It's just, you know. Samuel. Samuel. We don't hit. It's fine. We don't hit.

She was probably hitting first. It's fine. No, still. It's just like, I don't want him to retaliate like that. We don't hit. Barbarella. Barbarella, put that away. No, ma'am.

We don't escalate. We don't escalate. We don't escalate. We don't escalate. We don't escalate. We don't escalate. Did she bring a weapon? She brought out a weapon. I mean, it's a rock, but it's a weapon, right? Well, speaking of rocks.

You use it right. It's a weapon. Did you hear what I said? Yeah, something about you got him a rock and he loved it. I got him the rock for Christmas. He loved it. He put it on his table, Sarah. Wow.

I mean, holy hell. He put it on his table wow i mean holy hell he put it on his table i mean i have gotten barbarella and garganthum probably it's probably been four or five years since i got them a gift they put on their table i mean i swear to god um you know the twins they share a table would you get him for christmas we can be we can be quiet what is santa giving them for christmas this year the rock was just from mom but santa was going to give Samuel and Banner. Well, you know, money's been tight since the P-O-N-S-I scheme took, you know, most of our both been really into um minecraft you know kids it's like oh we can play with rocks but in the not in the real world i don't get it but they'd seem to love it

so i was gonna get them like you know some like minecraft shit i don't know some merch or whatever oh that's sweet that's you don't need to pander to me i'm trying but i'm tired hey you are an amazing amazing thank you and garganthemum and barbarella are the luckiest little girls in the world to have you they're sweet i mean i feel lucky i feel like i'm the lucky one hey well i feel the same about samuel and bamuel it's like you know these little boys just like run me around all day but it's like no they're sweet boys i'm so they they are and so well what happened it's like they they are sweet they're kind of like star patch kids like first first they're sour then they're sweet you know but it's like this the sourness you know i i kind of had like a messed up mom moment you know when you just have those that it's like oh i messed up mom moment you know when you just have those that is like oh i messed up mom you mean every day come on you're better than i should have known it was a scam i only got a rock for samuel

i forgot no i did i did and you know he's a big show out of it because i was so excited about that one he does so i kind of always feel like he's our, Bamiol kind of acts like he's playing second fiddle already because he was born seven minutes later. I know. Kind of has a complex about it. You can imagine how terrible I felt

when I gave Samuel the rock and Samuel's proudly showcasing on his desk. Did you say, oh, there's another rock coming, like it's in the mail, I just like,

it's, I didn't even do that. What did you do? What did you do? What did you do? How did you cover? I said, I'm so sorry, Bamiol,

I didn't, you did not tell the truth. He said, well, mom, where's my rock? And I said, no, because I do think? How did you cover? I said, I'm so sorry, Bamuel. I didn't. You did not tell the truth. He said, well, mom, where's my rock? And I said, no, because I do think it's important. Because, you know, I had a mess. No, listen, sissy. Sissy. I had a messed up mom moment.

I messed up mom. And so what I did was I turned it into a lesson about honesty. I don't think that was the right move. And so I said, Bamuel, mommy, I had a mess. Mom messed up. I messed up, mom. And I had him say back to me, he said, you messed up, mom. I said, yes, I messed up, mom.

I forgot to get you a rock. I didn't get you a rock, Samuel. But I did get one for Samuel. And now Samuel has it on his desk. And they share a room. Is it causing like tension between the two, between the boys? I'm sure. I'm sure.

You just haven't seen it. I've heard it through the wall. You don't go and check? Here's another mom thing I do. Down, Gargi. Down, Gargi. I have to sort it out. Gargi, no.

Gargi, no. Oh, she's climbing the kids again. We don't. We don't climb in this house. No, ma'am. We don't climb in this house. No, ma'am. No, ma'am. No, ma'am. don't climb in this house no ma'am no ma'am no ma'am

they're such great kids i love them to death but they will be the death of me they're gonna love me to death i swear me oh well how lucky what a way to go what a way to die being so loved by your kids they're gonna kill me there's no doubt in my mind that's how i go well i mean but man man that's right look at me. I messed up, Mom. No, Barbarella does. She still has the wrench. Oh. It's so funny because it's like the wrench isn't necessarily a weapon, but the way she wields it.

No, it can be a tool for creation or destruction. It is like she has an air of violence when she kind of has it. Hey, Barbie. Barbie. Barbarella. No, ma'am. We don't play with that. No.

We don't play with that. That's left over from the... Yeah. Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. Yes, ma'am we don't play with that no we don't play with that that's left over from the yeah uh huh yes ma'am no ma'am we don't what she got there what she got there it's like some kind of drill it's a compressed air drill I don't know the renovators left it behind

oh I thought it was Carl's because Carl loves fixing well I know but that's you know when we were still doing W-E-L-L before the S-C-H-E-M-E, we had tried to put an extension on the kitchen. And then, you know, when everything came crumbling down. That's why it looks like this, because it's fully unfinished. Yes, and so the contractors, they just left all these tools everywhere.

And I don't, I'm. They didn't even, it's their, are they their tools or are they your tools? I'm not sure, but I, I mean, I certainly didn't buy them i'm certainly didn't buy them carl says he didn't buy them and so i'm thinking well if they're their tools i don't want to touch them i don't want to like throw them out or move them or get and so but then it's a constant thing because they'll come back exactly but now barbarella she's like you know picking up all sorts of things and i don't know maybe it's enriching for them but also i wonder you know it's really safe to have no it is enrichment it is enrichment and i feel like it's like as long as like you're here to supervise

hey it's okay we all mess up mom we all mess up what i was thinking about the other day when we were kids uh-huh god uh back when the dinosaurs uh back before uh back before i was unhappy but there was a... The way that mom used to handle when she would make a mistake. Do you remember? Oh my God. Can I be honest?

I haven't thought about that in forever and now it's all coming back to me. It's all coming back to me. There's so many things about our childhood that I had forgotten until these little... Having these little freaks. These little freaky deekies showed up. These little freaky deekies showed up. The little freaky deekies.

Hey, Bamule. Bamule, that is not your drill. Bam, bam. That is not your drill. Sweetie, auntie loves you, but put bam, bam, put down, put down. That is not your drill. You gotta put that... Put down, bam, bam.

No. You know, hey, Sissy, I love you. He actually really doesn't like being called bam, bam. Oh, I'm so... Fuck, I'm sorry. I didn't know that. No, it's okay. No. You know, hey, Sissy, I love you. He actually really doesn't like being called Bam Bam. Oh, I'm so fucking sorry. I didn't know that. No, it's okay. Since when? No, he literally, since like last week.

Oh my God. So it's very new. I can't keep up. I don't blame you at all. It's like he, you know, I breakfast one day, he was like, you know, just squirting syrup on the walls. Little devil. He's such a little man.

Little devil. He's a little devil. And I said, Bam Bam, put the syrup down. And he squirted, would you believe he squirted the syrup right in my face? I would believe it. And he said, he, bam, put the syrup down. And he squirted. Would you believe he squirted the syrup right in my face? I would believe it. And he said, he said, no more bam, bam. Do you want to know something terrible? Girl, I knew that happened because you came in, there's sticky shit all over your face

still. Still? That was a week ago. I know, in your hair, you haven't shampooed clearly because. I tried. I've shampooed like six times. It's still not out. This is my, you know what?

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I'm leaving the house and I go, oh, mom fit. This is my mom fit of the not out you know what sometimes I look in the mirror when I'm leaving the house and I go oh mom fit this is my mom fit of the day you know and it's like I'm covered in glue and you know burnt my clothes have been burned it's hard having teenagers it's hard having teenagers it's exhausting

it's exhausting and I regret I don't regret the kids I don't regret the kids It's exhausting. It's exhausting. And I regret. I don't regret the kids. I don't regret the kids. Bam. You're sweeties. It's okay if you do sometimes. I swear to God.

Garganthemum. Barbarella. And of course, my teen. Goo Goo. Goo Goo doll I love them each equally and independently And being their mom Is the proudest thing I've ever No excuse me

But when that man approached me And he said do you want to be an investor That is the biggest regret of my life I mean his suit I mean it was barely holding together You want to be an investor. That is the biggest regret of my life. I mean, his suit. I mean, it was barely holding together. Moth eaten. Yeah.

He reeked. No, I know. I mean, like, honestly, Cece, I love you, but it's like, that wasn't a bad moment. That was just kind of like a. Did you see that I was falling for it? Why didn't you try and stop me? You know what? Because. You could tell he was gonna rob me blind

i did i like as soon as i as soon as you told me about it and i'm like oh like can you show me like what's their website right what is the business and you said oh well the website is kind of like under construction right they just have an instagram they just have an instagram the instagram is one photo and 10 000 followers i. I thought 10,000, 10K, like that's pretty good numbers. But they bought them. He told me that every one of those was a satisfied customer. I saw this happening

to you and I thought, well, Rebecca, you could do one of two things. You could either save Sarah, you could help Sarah be saved from a silly Sarah moment. From financial destitution with her three children. Or, or this could be a learning moment. This could be a self-sufficient Sarah moment. I've never been that.

And that shirt, it may go from a silly Sarah to a self-sufficient Sarah. I. Samuel. Samuel. Sam. No, sir. Put Barbarella down. No, sir.

That's your cousin. You don't lift her above your head like a professional wrestler. You do not lift her above your head. No. Put Barbarella down. Garg, no. No, I know. Garg.

Yes, he's threatening your sister, but we don't pull weapons. How many times we don't pull weapons? Where is Goo Goo Doll, by the way? You don't even want to is goo goo doll by the way you don't even want to hear about it she's been dating this oh my god this guy from her okay yeah no don't before you get it that they met in they met in summer school and apparently he goes by the name hot rod is what they call him hot rod he sounds dangerous he rides a motorbike and you know how i oh feel about that and it's like can you blame her because when i was that age who among us who among us i mean you know you remember when i was working at the restaurant and carl would drive up with the

motorcycle and i mean i couldn't resist i mean my god my god you couldn't resist you well you burned your inner thighs you got too excited and you just kind of like hopped on and he said oh no don't that's not where the skin should have been doing that you're bare yes yes silly so that was a silly silly sarah moment like so many others and i just yeah you ran out of the restaurant in a bikini like kind of cartoon style just like ripped off your clothes and had a bikini underneath and that was how we met and it was a beautiful moment and i love him so much yeah deeply deeply my husband even if he's he is deeply your husband he's if he's locked up. He is deeply your husband. He's still deeply your husband.

Wait, so what happened with Hawkeye? Oh, he comes over to the house the other day to pick her up. They're going on a D-A-T-E. You let Google Doll go on a D-A-T-A? Let her? D-A-T-A. Oh, listen to me, data. Oh, do you want to run a data? Okay, that was a messed up mom.

No, but seriously, I don't let that girl do anything if i'm lucky she lets me get a sound night's sleep okay she lets me get a sound night's sleep i swear to god she still can't sleep no she screams are you still sleep training she screams she goes she goes why did you she yells at me all night why did you put the money on that i told you it was a scam I was 14 and I could see it was a scam. Anyway, hot rod. He shows up the other day at the house. Okay. Taking her out, you know, on the whatever.

Taking her? No, he's like, you know, he pulls up on the motorbike and he says, she's going to hop on. We're going to go to the. Sorry, I'm so literal. You know me. That's my literal sissy moment. But no, and he shows up and i say oh good evening rod you know just trying to i'm not gonna call i bet he loved that well and you know what he says

to me he goes hi sarah can you believe no no that cheeky monkey and you know what and you know what the worst part is this is is going to blow your blood. This is going to blow your blood. What? It's going to blow my blood right out. Your blood's going to be all over the walls when you hear this. Okay? It's going to be all over your unfinished kitchen.

Seriously. It's going to be like that time in high school when you started trying to shave your legs without anything. Hit an artery. Hit an artery. It was bad. It was really touch and go. Anyway, he says hi sarah

just here to pick up goo goo i say okay patient mom moment swallow it swallow it swallow it swallow it she walks down the stairs i first first thing comes in my head she's not wearing that but of course i'm gonna let her do what she wants to do she's in cosplay she's well because you hate you hate when she looks too conservative she's she's cosplaying you're always like show a little leg goo goo goo goo you've got stems show them i'm always saying that i'm saying goo goo you've got stems show them off she's cosplaying as shiv roy from succession she let her and hot rod love that show he's dressed like logan no but she's cosplaying as Shiv Roy from Succession. Her and Hot Rod love that show. He's dressed like Logan.

No, but she's too young to be wearing a power suit. Shouldn't he be dressed like Tom? Whatever. They're walking out the door. No, he should be dressed like the guy from the first season that she was there with. The age, yes. Oh my God, that was erotic.

Yes. But no, she walks out the door. I say, have her home by 10. She goes, he will, Sarah. No, that bitch. It's catching. It's contagious. It's the pandemic all over again, I swear to God.

It is COVID round two. Barba, Barba. No, girl. Down. Tools down. Work stoppage. Down. Tools down. Work stoppage. We don't play with that. Bamiel can take it.

Bamiel can take it. Oh, I know he can. He is built like a brick shithouse. But I know he can take it. Did you know he's a starting quarterback this season? I would have thought they wanted him on the line. I mean, he's enormous. Must be fast.

He is, but he's actually the smallest guy on the team. That is terrifying. I don't know what they put Must be fast. He is, but he's actually the smallest guy on the team. That is terrifying. I don't know what they put in the water. It's very scary. It's kind of like the Monstars from Space Jam. I don't know what they put in the water. They're big guys. Big guys. They're my big guys. They're my big guys. That's actually what I told him when I gave the rock to Samuel.

And Samuel was so excited about it. Bamuel, he went, Bamuel mad. Bamuel mad at mommy. And I said, Bamuel, I know you're mad at went, Bamiol mad. Bamiol mad at mommy. And I said, Bamiol, I know you're mad at mommy, but mommy messed up. Mommy forgot that she had two sons. Mommy only got a rock-frozen son. You really forgot. That's why. I didn't know that.

I thought the messed up mommy was you just kind of brain fart, but you fully forgot you had two sons. No. Wow. No, no, no, no. Here's the thing. It's like, I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful because my kids are amazing. They are. They're the light of your life. And so it's like, Bamiol being the starting quarterback on the varsity team and samuel being the varsity varsity varsity music man can we say can we say to be six to be six and to be on the varsity football team to be six and be in the music man oh my god has it been this

long since i've seen you there's 16 no fucking No fucking way. I told you at the beginning of the podcast, we're saying how crazy to have teenagers. In my head. In my head, babies. In my head, I see them. I see babies. Of course. Of course you see them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's crazy.

No, so for Samuel, so he said, Mommy, is Samuel mad? And Samuel, because you know, Samuel's my star. Samuel's my little movie star. And so Samuel,

it's like, he literally, the reason why I forgot about Samuel is because Samuel has been singing to me every day it's like his new thing

of like expressing love it's like his love language is song and so you know it's like oh my god you won't believe this the other morning

I came to the kitchen my kids their love language violence he was making me breakfast he was making me breakfast no way

and I walk in and I said Samuel what are you doing and he goes, oh, what a beautiful mommy. No way he did not. Oh, what a beautiful day.

Can you believe it? Wow, really? Can you believe it? And he missed the opportunity to say, oh, what a beautiful mommy, oh, what a beautiful dad. And he didn't say dad quite pointed. Makes you think. No, no, no. I got a beautiful feeling. You are the best mom in the land. Can you believe he's saying that?

My heart breaks because- My heart breaks! You won't believe what happened to me the other day. You will not believe what happened to me the other day. Goo goo. She walks down the stairs. I'm making her breakfast, of course. I mean, this girl, if I-

One time I made the mistake of asking her to defrost. Send her over to our house. Send her over to our house. She'll be making you breakfast, of course. I mean, this girl, if I one time, one time I made the mistake of asking her to defrost. Send her over to our house. Send her over to our house. She'll be making you breakfast in a week. I really don't think you want that because let me tell you. I do. One time I tasked this girl with defrosting some chicken. She's my oldest niece.

I said, please defrost the chicken. You know what she did? Yeah. She burned down half the block. Burned down half the block. I don't know how she did it. I don't know how she did it. Goo goo doll.

I genuinely genuinely I'm in the kitchen making her breakfast Eggs Benedict like she likes Hollandaise on the stove She's a picky girl She walks down the stairs Big sigh I'm like what is it now it's 9am

What could you possibly I can hear her I can hear Goo Goo I go hear Goo Goo. Yeah. I go, yes, Goo Goo? She looks me dead in the eye. And she goes... I used to have a mom known as Sarah.

What? With whom I might sit around and share a thought or two oh my god and then she basically um she proceeded to sing

she proceeded to sing um the entirety of the song cabaret from the musical cabaret um but she changed it so the chorus was life is a mom threw our money away life is a mom threw our money away because of the ponzi scheme life is our mom threw money away and here's the thing it's like i can i can appreciate her grief i can appreciate her resentment. She's not a lyricist.

And it, it, it, it, it, it, it boggled the mind. Life is a mom through our money away.

That's nothing. And I'd say that to her face. I'd say that to her face. Meanwhile, I'm here. Oh, what a beautiful mommy morning. Mommy. No. And she has so much time to come up with it too. Cause it was 9. A.M. face i'd say that to her face meanwhile tany's i'm here oh what a beautiful mommy morning mommy

no and she has so much time to come up with it too because it was 9 a.m she had been i'd heard her pacing around up there for hours and hours i know she had time that was not off the dome she was workshopping that mom you are money away And then... She needs to spend a week at our house. She needs to... I feel like she and Samuel and Bami haven't spent time together in so long. Samuel could teach her a thing or two about music. He could teach her a thing or two about cooking breakfast for mom. You have the talented kid on your hands.

Bami is a monster. He is a beast. And I'd say that to his face. Bami, you're a beast. You're a beast of a boy. And I love say that to his face. Bamiel, Bamiel, you're a beast. You're a beast of a boy. And I love you. Well, sometimes. Sometimes.

Well. You know. Look, this is what I always say. You remember? You remember mom used to say this, and I didn't understand at the time, and it's so true. You said you always love your kids. You don't always like them. She said you always love your kids.

You do not always have to like them. That is so true. That is so true. And here's the thing. I love Samuel more than anything. Anything. Yes. That's why I got him a rock.

And you know what? I forgot to mention the rock's engraved. My God. What? You must think I'm so ridiculous. You must have thought that I just like went to the park and picked up a rock. That is exactly what I thought.

No, I went to a store. And this is, you know what? This may be why Bamiel's so upset. Because the rock says number one. Stop it. You did not. And I love Samuel so much. and this is you know what this may be why Bamiyel's so upset because the rock says number one son stop it you did not and I

I love Samuel so much that is not a messed up mommy moment that is a fucked up mommy moment sis I love my son Samuel so much that's really mean

I saw the rock kid swap I just had an idea immediately forgot about Bamiyel kid swap so I show up with a rock

that says number one son and Samuel loves me so much that he's proudly displaying it on his desk and meanwhile Bamiyel immediately forgot about kid swap so i show up with a rock that says number one son and samuel loves me so much that he's probably displaying it on his desk and meanwhile bamuel is like bamuel mad and i said well bamuel if you keep refraining yourself in the third person you're still not gonna get that is not how you parent i'm sorry i don't want to judge that is not how you should be parenting girl i said who am i to talk who am mommy moment. Who am I to talk? No, but I said it was a messed up mommy moment. Look at me. Life as a mom threw our money away?

Look, I mean, what did I do? What did I raise? No, that reminds me. You know what she got me last Christmas? She got me a trophy. Gugu? Gugu got me a trophy. Engraved.

Number two mom. She meant like shit. She meant like shit. That is like- She meant like shit, number two. Oh, she didn't mean like second best. No, she did not mean second best. She meant like shit she meant like shit that is she meant like shit number two oh she didn't mean like she did not mean the second best she meant literally she told me down the eye and i was like shit i said number two mom who could be number one she said not number two like that and then she made a fart noise with her hand i'm sorry to laugh okay that's

kind of creative honestly that's kind of, I see two futures for my girl. One, she's on the street. Certainly not a songwriter. She's on the fucking street. Jesus. I'm serious. I worry. When she spends all her time with Hot Rod, having pre-MAR.

Is he hot? Yes. I mean, you know. Well, a name like that. Yes. I mean, his name is literally Hot Rod. I see either on the street, roast comic. A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R-T-M-A-R- a musical improviser. That we can be certain of. No, she will not. No, no, no. And she's never claimed to be, okay? She never has. No! Okay. Listen, I have to go drop Samuel off for music band rehearsal.

And I have to go feed Bamiel. Because, like, Bamiel is a beast. It's steak night, and he won't take it cooked. What is it, three pounds now? We're up to three pounds of raw? We're up to three and a half. Three and a half of raw. If you can believe it.

Yes. Wow. And so what happens is like, because Baby Mill is such a big, big boy. Big, beautiful beast. I will literally have to like go up on the landing of our stairs.

Yes, throw it down. And he will be at the bottom and I will, I will drop it into his maw. Well, because if he gets your hand, he gets your hand. You know what I mean?

Exactly. It makes no difference to him. I've had that happen too many times. I've had that happen too many times. Makes no difference to him. You know, actually last, this is actually dinner two nights ago. I was ringing our giant cow bell. I said, Bamiol, it's feeding time.

By the way, I've seen a lot of posts on the next story about that. You should really consider getting a smaller bell. But Bamiol only responds if it's a big bell. He even said, he said, he goes goes small bell for samuel big bell for bam can i ask you a question and about bamuel he of course do you think it's a coincidence that around the time that you had the twins you know when we were pregnant at the same time you with the twins me with yes crazy that was crazy yeah your sweet hubby was experimenting um with a time machine and he was specifically interested in that period he always would call caveman times

and i'm just saying like i saw the remember how we were all surprised by the ultrasounds that was like oh she like neither of us was expecting twins. And then all of a sudden, we showed up, and it was like, oh, you've got these two twins. They look nothing alike. One of them looks like he's maybe a few years older already, talks like a caveman already. Yeah, yeah. Do we think maybe there's anything going on there?

Any similarities? Any connection there, or no? Honestly, I had never thought about that. You've never thought of that? Really? Wow, that surprises me. I had never thought of that really wow that surprises me i've never thought about that well it just it's like my sons are my sons and so whether one of them was transported through a time machine and into my womb and came out like a big bambi boy ever came out but that's okay what do you mean he never came out he's out of my body yeah no and i don't

want to get into this but you don't think i birthed well i filmed it i was you don't think samuel and bamuel are identical twins i mean sissy i love you to death but i was in there camcorder inches from your who ha vhs rolling bamuel tore. No, he did not. Samuel slipped right out. Samuel slipped right out and then your hubby pulled out a big garbage bag. Bamiel was in there. He made a big show of it going, whoa, there's another one, a big baby. And then he was probably three-year-old cake man child. Oh, I get it. After all this time, you're one of those. You think that if that child did not

come out of me then i am not his mother that's not what i'm saying you are his mother you are wow you think that because bamuel came out of a plastic bag at three years old from old caveman times that he is not his mother you are his mother sissy this is a shitty sissy you're not listening i'll tell you what you are not listening to me i love you oh my god i have to go drive my gorgeous perfect son to his music rehearsal sissy sissy sissy sissy and i will feed i it's feeding time for bamuel if i don't leave right now bamuel'sul's going to take your hand. And I will not stop you. I'll let him try. Let him try. Barbarella will chop his neck off. No, sissy. Banyul, come here.

Barbie. Barbie, protect. Barbie, protect. Sissy. Sissy. Like Godzilla and King Kong. I didn't ask you over here just to argue. I did not ask you over here just to argue.

Before you go, i have a really this is like a seriously good opportunity that i think you're gonna want to be a part of okay i met a guy okay and they're looking no seriously says they're looking for investors okay and he says not again i don't you, I'm, I'm cleaned out from the scheme, but you know, maybe if you would just loan me some cash, I put it in and then I can pay you back

and I'm, and I'm out of debt. Don't you want a good life for me and my kids? I want a good life for you. And that's why I'm saying no. And I am not investing in you or the scheme.

I love you. Bam, you'll release. Bam, you'll release. Barbarella. Don't know. No, ma'am. Barbarella. No Bamuel, release. Bamuel, release. Barbarella. Barbarella. Don't.

No. No, ma'am. Barbarella, no. We don't. No. No. Talon's out. Talon's out.

Talon's out. Got our Talons in him. I'll see you at Christmas. If I don't see you sooner, which Lord knows where will we find the time. Uh... Let's do a Let's do our last After that 20 minute last

Where we didn't change Location It shook me all week long Life is a mom Through our money away I'm sorry location. It shook me all week long. Life is a mom through our money away. I'm sorry. That was a messy improvising moment. Life is a mom through our money away. I had so much time to think of that, and I was drowning.

I was drowning. No, but that wasn't you. That was Gugu. That wasn't me. That was Gugu. Alf, what's shaking you? Fuck. This is rough, man.

I can go first. Talk about whatever freak you're into this week. I have, well, I have two things. And one of them is not about Taron Egerton. Phew. Even though, God. But one of them is not about Taron. Neither of them are about Taron Egerton. I mean, though, God. But one of them's not about Taron. Neither of them are about Taron Egerton.

I mean, I could, but no. Two things. One, Daniel and I are doing a movie in January and it's fun as shit. And yeah, we have an Indiegogo up.

And the writer-director, Come on now. His name is Dante. Come on now. And he is running this Indiegogo. And the link is literally in my bio I think and if not I will put it there it is it is um it's such a fun film it's called homewrecker it's a blast it's like it's just such a fun story and Daniel and I are

are y'all we're playing boyfriend girlfriend in it and it's kind of like we've got hijinks. We've got a heist situation. It's a really good time. And if you want to join and be a part of the process, go check out Indiegogo. If you look up homewrecker feature film Indiegogo and the writer director's first name is Dante. And it's really fun. I will put the links up, but would love if you guys would get on board if you can. We are very excited about it and it's going to be a blast. So I will link that.

So that is what's shaking me. And the other thing that's shaking me. Do you remember the movie Tower Heist? I've heard of it. So the other thing that's shaking me is when Daniel and I went to, we went to New York a couple weeks ago to premiere Chauncey, which we're very excited about. That's out now. If you look premiere Chauncey, which we're very excited about. That's out now.

If you look up Chauncey short film, we've been working on that for a while and it's finally out and we're so excited about it. It premiered and that's definitely in my bio on Instagram and it's online. It's on Film Shortage right now. You can watch it online. We're very proud of it. But when we were in New York, we went to go see sleep no more because it is closing forever in February. And that show is just so, if you guys don't know what it is or haven't heard of it, it was my third time going. And it's like,

it's an immersive theater production. It's like a mix of Macbeth and Rebecca by Alfred Hitchcock. And it's just, it's, it's hard to describe. It's just like, it's, it's in this like six floor warehouse. It's, if you don't know what it is, look it up.

Daniel and I went and I was so, it was so magical and so awesome and such a beautiful production. And I've never been more bummed in my life walking out of that theater and knowing that that was the last time I'm ever gonna see it. Why are they closing it? I don't know, but

it was running for like 12 or 13 years. Right. It's been running forever. And it's finally closed. I know. So that's what shook me. It's just such, it's so incredible and I'm so grateful that we got to go do it one more time and I'm really going to miss it because it's such

a special production and it's just so cool and was such a huge inspiration for into the mist well such a huge inspiration for so many i mean genuinely like yeah that's really that's that's a real shame i hope uh i hope it gets revived or like maybe other people there is a sleep no more. It's in Shanghai. They have it in Shanghai, which is very cool. Let's go. Road trip. Home wrecker Indiegogo, baby. It's a really fun Indiegogo video too.

If you want to know more about our project, it's a blast to watch the video. And while you're at it, don't forget to vote on the review review best of, of the year while you're hanging out in Riley's bio, like a freak. And what shook me? Deja vu.

Sorry? I just had a deja vu. To me being like, they're hanging out in your bio like a freak? I mean, maybe it's because I said it before. I don't know what shook me, man. I think I plugged this a few weeks ago. I listened to a book that was really good called, an audio book of a book called Babel by R.F. Kuang book that was really good called uh uh an audiobook of a book called

babel by rf kuang i was really into that so i i just listened finished listening to two of her other books um the poppy war series the first book is called the poppy war the second book is called the dragon republic um they're really really good um imagine dragons meets one republic okay my favorite band um but yeah they're really really well written and the fact that she's 27 doesn't hurt my feelings at all uh and that she wrote these books when she was younger than i am now doesn't hurt my feelings at all um but yeah they're really good books and if you're into just kind of like fantasy but with highly applicable kind of contemporary political post-colonial themes it's a really good time you should you should read it or listen to it the audiobooks really good and then do you plug did you already plug your stuff or do I plug my stuff first? How do we, you can,

how do we end? You can find Alfred on Instagram at Alfred. I forgot how to plug the show. Instagram at review review. You can find us on Discord review review. Jeff and I have a Patreon, patreon.com slash Riley and Jeff. And you can find Riley on Instagram.com. Just the web browser

not the phone my god Riley Antsworn and on Twitter.com now known as xxxxx.com for as long as it lasts, at Riley Coyote and you can probably find her on

threads too basic ass also we've been saying this not only all week And probably find her on threads too. Basic ass. We've been saying this. Also, we've been saying this not only all week, every week, but all year. Nearly a full year of doing this show with you. Nearly a full year we've been saying this. So we're going to say it again to close out the episode.

Life is my mom throwing our money away life is our mom throwing money away see you next week bye I love everything about this that was a

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