Review Revue - Airport Lounges (w/ Jake and Amir!)

Episode Date: August 25, 2020

Headgum co-founders Jake Hurwitz and Amir Blumenfeld join Reilly and Geoff to read reviews about airport lounges and discuss frequent flyer miles, Geoff's midwestern accent, and Reilly's newest milk habit.Want more from these four? Check out The Headgum Podcast, wherever fine podcasts are downloaded!Follow Jake, Amir, Reilly, and Geoff:IG: Jake, Amir, Reilly, & GeoffTwitter: Jake, Amir, Reilly, & GeoffAdvertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Hey guys, Jeffrey here. This episode is going to be a little different. I mean, I just want to be honest with you guys. It's not going to be up to par for what Riley and I like to usually put out. Obviously, we kind of hold ourselves to a certain standard and you guys have come to expect laughs every week. This week might not be that, but I just wanted to kind of give that as a preface before we get into it. So anyway, let's get into the episode. I just wanna know how you feel. I want a love that's so proud and real. You make me wanna go out and steal. I just wanna wreck you. We heard that. You didn't record that separately. You said, hold on. Yeah, that was actually really fucked up. What are you talking about? I have to preface. This podcast has like a foreword where you say that it's not going to be funny. You're up to par.

It's a prologue. It's a prologue. And then we went into the theme song. I mean, I'm down. Like, I get it. I get it. Why? Why do you get it? You're the guest. Because every time I do a podcast with you, you bring the mood down. I mean, I'm down. I get it. I get it. Why? Why do you get it?

You're the guest. Because every time I do a podcast with you, you bring the mood down. I'm talking to a mirror. You bring the mood down. You bring the energy down. You don't really bring the... The fun.

The laughs. I want a partner that brings the heat. You don't... Yeah. He doesn't do that. So you're on Jeff's side. By the way, he said he was making fun of us both. He was saying that this episode's not going to be funny

because we're on it. So that includes you. He didn't say... I didn't say Jake's name. He to be funny because we're on it so that includes you he didn't say he didn't I didn't say Jake's name he's right he he did just say it's like you know things would be different he didn't name any specifics I didn't say it was because of the guests with an S but it is because of a guest and then I did that's the furthest I'll take

it because I don't want to like alienate Amir I mean either Amir or Jake and I think that's why I didn't I wasn't rubbed fully the wrong way because I got where I was rubbed fully's why I wasn't rubbed fully the wrong way because I got where you were talking about. I was rubbed fully the wrong way. I was rubbed fully the wrong way. I was rubbed completely differently.

That's a shame. I don't think he meant for that to happen. So I think that's on you for maybe feeling it. Yeah. Something I've been working through in therapy is that you have to kind of like accept that other people can deal with like, you know, certain things, like letting them down in a way.

Like you have to do what's best for you at certain your therapist sucks shit even if it means letting down boundaries yeah after a therapy session you did that she sucks what's that after you after the therapy if you did that then your therapist sucks shit please welcome to the show uh jayitz, Amir Blumenfeld, co-founders of HeadGum, College Humor fame, Lonely and Horny, If I Were You, Buckets, Snadpod, Goat Show,

Homeowners. Really good recall. He's been working on this for like a year. I got a temporary tattoo. It's on my forearm and it had all those talking points. Jake, what you just heard was the song Fuh You by Paul McCartney. Amir has heard it.

Thoughts? Yeah, we love your thoughts. I enjoyed it. I thought it was phenomenal. Yeah, it's a great song. Paul McCartney. Paul McCartney. Paul McCartney.

It's off the hit album Egypt Station, which features another incredible hit, If You Come On To Me Then I'll Come On To You. And he kind of does repeat that for the whole chorus. This is Beatles, Paul McCartney? This is the man who wrote Yesterday. Did you come on to me? Will I come on to you? If you come on to me, will I come on to you? What does Harvey Dent say?

I think he's 78 years old. Harvey Dent says you either die a hero or you live long enough to become the villain. Right. Paul's become Ringo and vice versa. What have you guys been up to? Jake, you've been traveling. You're about to travel. Yeah, I'm jet setting, baby.

Where are you going? I'm going to Maine. I'm going to Maine. I'm going to Maine. I'm driving up to Maine, and I'm going to stay in Maine for two weeks. He's a jet setter, absolutely. A jet setter. I am a jet setter. I can't get onto a jet, but I can drive, and that's been nice.

That's good. Right. That'll be nice. Amir, how's the tension? You were telling me about the tension in your house, that things are starting to get a little irritating between you and Avital. It's, yeah, we're on month six of being in the same house, and that can eat away at you in different ways. So, for example, I'm a subscriber to, if it's yellow, let it mellow.

If it's brown, I wouldn't necessarily flush it down and she's like that's so much worse it should be the opposite if either and it should be neither that's definitely not a saying the one that you said the one that and she's the one that you said isn't socially accepted anywhere yeah she's more like uh let's get rid of the smells let's get don't leave things to fester let's try to use the plumbing it's a yeah it's a modern and you were saying the other day that it's just like you know you're like oh well every couple in quarantine like wants to kill each other but actually like jake and jill recently celebrated anniversary and they seem to be thriving like daniel and i are just having a ball and so it seems like everyone else

is actually like becoming a lot closer and like having ups and downs but like shit not at all and throwing dogs at each other 24 7 that you literally like hurled luke and the air conditioning doesn't work so it's a hot sauna of feces and urine and that has to get to you after a certain point it's not it's really she said you hawked a loogie at her and then you threw a loogie at her. Yeah, yeah. As in your dog, you kind of launched him. It's really generous that you describe any of this as tension and not as Amir being a really, really deplorable guy. It's not tension.

Amir's set to play the Joker in 2021, so this is kind of him prepping for that and making everyone's lives worse. You're evil. Dancing, yeah, dancing like you're on the stair set. Jesus Christ. making everyone's lives worse. You're evil. Dancing, yeah. Dancing like you're on the stair set. Jesus Christ. Amir, I can't hear you very well.

Am I the only one who can't hear Amir very well? I live and I die by the Y of my thigh. Have you guys heard that one before? By the Y of my thigh? Absolutely not. Of course not. I live and I die by the size of my thighs. Are you a big-thighed guy? You have big thighs, right?

I have the wagon. Thanks for bringing it up. You just opened the door for me that I usually have to kick down on this show. My ass has been complimented by many alas. So oftentimes, like, what I say and do will rub women the wrong way. But then when I'm on the date, I kind of stand up to go to the bathroom. But it's really just to give them the look at that fat ass. Yeah, the caboose. The look at that fat ass. Correct. The way you say that was so'm on the date, I kind of stand up to go to the bathroom, but it's really just to give them the look at that fat ass. Yeah, the caboose.

The look at that fat ass. Correct. The way you say that was so hard on the ears. I've been in Ohio for almost three months, so my Cleveland A's are back. Ask me how I pronounce my uncle's wife. How do you pronounce your uncle's wife? Aunt. Oh, my God.

Isn't that normal? You guys want to pop? Oh, my God. That's good. Say You guys want to pop? Oh my god. Say backpack. Backpack. My ass. Yeah. Riley, how has it been to being home?

Holy shit. Take it away. I don't want to take anything away from this. Being home has been very, very nice. I was on the road for a month, and now I'm back, back, back, back again, again, again. Guess who's back, back, back? It is me right now. Yeah.

Oh, so Amir left. Amir left. This is insane. This isn't even the HeadGum show. I wanted to leave during that. Are you kidding me? It's been really, really nice. And now we're here. And Jeff, you're coming home soon. Amir just texted? It's been really, really nice. And now

we're here and Jeff, you're coming home soon. You just texted, let me know when she's done. Okay. Oh, yeah. I got that text too, actually. He didn't have the humility to send it just to me. It was to the group, right? No, it was to the group. I am done. Yeah, Jake said, you're good.

But you should start singing again when he comes back gets I absolutely will do that alright cool so just Riley's become an amateur big band artist a Michael Buble of herself I have been want to sing big band

songs with not completely wrong lyrics but not the right ones but cacophonous lyrics and Jeff will set it to music so nails on a chalkboard set to big band completely wrong lyrics, but not the right ones. But cacophonous lyrics. And Jeff will set it to music. It's like nails on a chalkboard set to big band music. Okay, so wait, can I hear an example? Wait, let's get Amir back first, obviously. Yeah, wait for Amir to come back.

And then I've only done two so far. There he is, he's back. There he is. Nice. start talking about it i'm hitting the road Ew. I want to be involved right now. Chicago. Now there's a different Sinatra song called Chicago. I'm walking the streets and I'm waving hi. I love the Empire State Building, Illinois. I want to arise in the town that is awake. And now I'm queen of the place.

Top of the stuff. So it's kind of like that. Amir, stop leaving. It makes me feel bad. How do you think I feel? It happens to me every week on the HeadGum show. This week, nobody even showed up. We had to skip a week and then I get bullied online

for not putting an episode out. It's unbelievable. Guys, we're talking about fucking airport lounges today. Airport lounges. Jesus Christ. Speaking of travel. Oh, yeah, yeah. Speaking of travel.

All right, that's cool. Jake and Amir, what are your kind of like, not even best and worst, but just most memorable, if any, airport lounge experiences? That's a great question. Well. Okay. Jake's in an airport lounge. Jake's in an airport lounge. Not all at once. That's a great question. Well, okay. No. Jake's in an airport lounge.

Not all at once. That's funny. Not really. Oh my god. We didn't. No, because if they go both at the same time,

we can't fucking hear each other. Yes. Obviously, an overreaction. This is why you gave us the show. This is absolutely why. This dynamic, this fucking

Gen Z perspective, this fresh new take that you guys have kind of been souring on in the podcast series. Airport lounges? By the way, thank you for having us on the last episode. It's kind of like a cool moment. We have fun. We're all kidding.

We're all joking. You're not. Jake's an airport lounge aficionado to the point where he convinced us to get an Amex card that allows us access to different airport lounges. Yeah. The Amex Business Platinum. Okay. That is not a cheap card to hold. But it gives you access. Yeah access and it gives you control.

Because as we all know, access without control is nothing. Is nothing. And so I've been rejected from about 10, 11 straight airport lounges in a row using that card. The rules are insane. I don't understand why some people are let in, why some people are let out. Not every lounge opts into the priority lounge

path. They're not all centurion lounges. They're not all annex lounges. And you don't know until you show up and then you show them the card and they look at you with like, what is this? You're handing me a saltine instead of a ticket. You don't deserve to be here right now.

This is just a platinum business. You need to access one member card or whatever the fuck the rule is today. Right. Or like this card works with like another ticket or this. Like there's always some reason for them to reject you. A caveat that keeps you from eating that caviar yes exactly precisely jeffrey now you're those small little bottles right so i would say i have like a 20 success rate in entering the lounges but yeah i don't know if jake's more

successful than that so i will i so i i'm i'm loyal to um to delta i will i'm loyal to a i truly i'm loyal to a fault to delta i think amir when we flew to australia you had like a direct flight from la to sydney on i don't know some fucking like virgin quantus some some yeah like australia yeah it was quantus yeah yeah and i was something that would make the most sense to right direct right and i was cheaper straight there yeah and i'm like i will spend 200 more and fly into melbourne then to sydney i'll have a layover because it's gonna fucking give me my delta points and i'll get that upgrade you know like that's what you need because you need you have to spend the MQDs but you also have to fly

the miles okay MQDs people don't know what that is Medallion qualifying dollars Jeff so it's Medallion qualifying dollars okay because you have the MQMs you have the MQMs don't be mad at me and then speak your anger is clouding your judgment and your vocal

cords you have the Medallion qualifying miles you have no access without the medallion quality it doesn't seem like you access or control you can't have access anywhere what that doesn't have anything to do with the sorry dials did you say medallion dollars that help Paul. So you're in the Medallion Delta Miles Club or whatever? I am a medallion member. I'm a diamond medallion member, okay? What does that give you?

I'm not just in the club. Do they call you Mr. Hurwitz? The club was built for me, okay? All right. I don't think so, but. No one's treating me with fucking reverence and i'm like a fucking medallion like diamond medallion guy like that doesn't mean anything outside the right exactly okay i'm just worried that this episode's gonna drop and it's gonna like i'm gonna come across

like um in a bad way a bragger yeah because i'm like bragging about something that's not important and and i'm not getting like and now i'm like even just like talking kind of openly about how i wanted it to have clout and that's unfortunate because now this is going to come out and people are going to be like wow jake's pretty needy and like that's you know yeah that's that's exactly it you're predicting it exactly right okay well like that's what i'm concerned about really um and they'll keep this part in will they all right all right i think i'm gonna be all about clout recently because you're wearing a Supreme hat.

That's a tag hoyer. Now it's more like a brag hoyer. And a Supreme toolbox. You spent $30,000 on a pair of shoes. That's an umbrella that you opened inside that's seemingly lined with silver. A Supreme bolo tie. And then Amir, you seem to go in the opposite direction.

You look like a vagrant. Do we read the reviews? Jeffrey, any airport lounge experience? I've been to the United Club in Cleveland, which is basically a conference room.

Drop ceilings out the ass on the walls included. So if you lean on a wall, it kind of pushes the square in and you fall into what seems to be a boiler room. I avoid the lounges. That's controlled. That's all access. I'm not an airport lounge guy.

I'm a get to the airport 45 minutes before takeoff kind of guy. I try to be in the airport. You're a man of the people. I'm a man of the Oliver peoples. So I can kind of wear some glasses so I can sleep on the airport. You're a man of the people. I'm a man of the Oliver peoples, so I can kind of wear some glasses so I can sleep on the plane. No, but I

truly game the system as much as probable. I try to get to the airport as late as possible so that I can just sprint through and get right to the gate as they're boarding, and so that's like a little kind of Pac-Man type arcade deal that I do. you want to be sweaty when

you're in your seat which is middle seat aisle 48 exactly back of the plane doesn't recline i'm a middle seat guy and i'm always i describe myself that way on hinge even with that thick ass of yours i like yeah showing people the wagon and sitting down panting. Super hot. Taking out a chicken salad croissant sandow and I'm just kind of crunching in on the toasted buns. Riley, what about you? Being in an airport lounge makes me feel like I'm a 60-year-old businessman. Because I'll often kind of just find my own spot

and it'll be in the middle of all these like older white dudes working on ipads with the portable uh keyboards and um i'll i'll have a hard-boiled egg and some coffee and but while they're all doing work i'll be like watching like fucking too hot to handle or something so we're all doing equally important things um i do feel like uh like a baby adult so i i've kind of uh given up on the lounge life and i do like to sit outside because i do not feel welcome in a lounge i feel very scared i don't understand the appeal really i mean half of it is just like dried cereals out of a dispenser. It's really just like a middle school cafeteria. You obviously haven't been to the Virgin Lounge in London at Heathrow. You uncultured piece of shit.

Are you kidding me? You can get a chicken sandwich. You can get a haircut in that lounge. They have a sky deck and they have a lap pool. You little piece of shit. Are you fucking kidding me? It doesn't matter. You're about to be on a tube in the sky.

It's always going to be dirty and bad. You're nothing, man. We have to take a break. Jake needs to cool down. Marty, you should have stepped in here, and this actually should have been your domain to kind of wrangle things in. So this kind of is your fault, Marty,

if you're listening, Marty. We like to check in with Marty things in so this kind of is your fault Marty if you're listening Marty we like to check in with Marty on the show kind of give him a voice where he has none every break we like to check in with Marty because we know he listens to every single one and like is super involved in like the kind of specifics of the show and like really cares about it on a personal level that's not just business

we just nailed an ad deal through the end of the calendar year no congratulations he didn't send an edible arrangement he didn't send an inedible arrangement We just nailed an ad deal through the end of the calendar year. No congratulations. He didn't send an edible arrangement. He didn't send an inedible arrangement. So that's my grievance to Eric Marty this week. I would tack on the fact that he sort of treats you guys like this, but he treats every other podcast on the network the exact opposite.

Like handwritten cards of thank thank you he yeah he has every podcast like overdue the book podcast he's got those guys on speed dial i think he has like a weekly overdue zoom yeah podcast yeah yeah he's got a game night with uh with a um a funny feeling so yeah you know he's a game night with betsy yeah marcy yeah betsy and marcy yeah he's got he never even sees them he sees us every time marty just went live he's playing tennis with mono with agapian yeah from dragger love that that's awesome he's taking he took tennis lessons just to rally with him i guess let's take a break before i cry let's take a break before i cry let's take a break before i cry let's take a break before i cry. Let's take a break before I cry. Let's take a break before I cry. You got him a new Prokenex racket with a shock absorber.

No! He's always crying. He cried. He cried before the break. Look what you did! It was the shock absorber. It was the chakra absorbers, as in my heart hurts. We'll be right back.

And we're back! Heyo. What's that? I said heyo. I was just welcoming people. What, are you mad at me? I thought you said ew. Let's do that again. Let's just take it again. Ew. Yeah, let's do it again. Should I not say anything this time? Just chill for a second. You can say stuff, but just kind of go with the flow of the show.

You're stepping on Jeff. All right, ready? Jeff was like, hey, we're back. Let's go. Three, two, one second. Three, two, one. Jeff, let's. And we're back.

See, now the enthusiasm isn't there because Jeff, yeah. Well, because now I'm upset. Exactly. I didn't start with such high energy. Pretend Jake didn't ruin the show. Let's see what he got ruined. Do you want to talk about Airport Lounges again? Do you want to talk about Virgin Atlantic?

No, no, no. We'll get on with the show. It's fine, it's fine. Let's just start over. Are you saying start over the whole time? And we're back. And we're back. Sorry, let me do it again.

And we're back. Back from the break. I still feel it on the way. Hey-o. It's the tensions there. You can feel the tension through the audio. Riley, you do it. You bring us back from the break.

It's not going to feel organic. It's not going to feel organic. Jake, turn your camera off. And we're back. That's good. Jake, turn your camera off. No, it was fine. It was fake.

I stopped the camera. Okay. He's a non-video participant. Oh, my God. Riley, bring us back. This is... And we're back. Okay.

This is really good. It's much better. That was real... That felt good for me. Oh, God. I didn't do any... I turned the video on to do a thumbs up just to be like, good work. Thumbs up.

I thought we were like, all right, now we were in. I didn't even say anything. Jake, would you like to start with our first review so we can kind of get it over with? Okay. Let's get Jake's over with and then we'll move on. Are you guys still doing the first review is really fast and then the guy goes?

Yeah, we're doing the... We're bringing it back for this. Read it and leave? Read it and weep, read it and leave. Okay. That's our new segment. I sent two. Do you guys have a...

Jeff, do you have a preference? Riley, do you have a preference on which one? We didn't read. Okay, sweet. The key is this element of surprise. Okay. All right. Then I think I'm going to go...

That's Jeff's French for surprise. Okay. I'll go with this one. Eric D. this element of surprise so um okay all right then i think whichever you think is jeff's french for surprise okay i'm gonna i'll go with this one eric d um um jeff what does the d stand for the d stands for uh darty okay all right eric darty writes i am a diamond member almost two million miler and waiting in the jK crown room for my flight home. I cannot find a seat to sit in here and there is no management to be found. There are people using two seats to stretch out and sleep and others using bags to reserve a seat. Agents at the front desk are selling day passes to people and seem to be unaware that Delta policy eliminated this practice on 1115 per an email from

Claude Roussel, managing director, Delta Sky Club to all Sky Club members. As someone who makes an annual investment to be a club member, a diamond member, and nearly two million miler, I'm extremely upset that Delta is allowing people who are not club members to enter the club when the lounge is clearly over capacity furthermore it is absurd that the local management is not taking action to curb the behavior of those here in the club who are taking extra seats this experience makes me question my loyalty to delta they say they care about their premium customers but i don't see evidence of that here today i can step outside the club and pay for a better experience that i'm getting now. Hi, welcome to Delta Sky Club. Are you a member? Do you have a membership number or is it just a day pass? Yeah, I have a membership number. It's two million fucking miles. Move

aside. Move aside. I'm the front desk manager. Sorry. Can you not swear in front of my kid? I was just waiting to check in and I heard you say he asked for your number and you said you're a two million effing miler and I have a three year old I'm sorry about that I'll hold the little fucker hey come here do not touch my son how'd you like a pair of wings

do not touch my son oh shit I pricked the little fucker sorry about that I think we'll go to a different lounge. No, please. No, you guys are exactly who we want in the lounge, actually. It's like family-friendly environment. I'm bleeding.

Yeah, here, have a band-aid. Do you want Scooby-Doo? Yes, fine. I'll have a Scooby-Doo band-aid. Thank you. Not for you. I'm a two-million miler. Everything's for me.

Sorry, just to interject, two million miles would require you to be in the air for 30 hours a day for the last two years. There's no way he's a 2 million miler. That's like to the moon and back. That's impossible. I mean, I know you're checking in, but I don't believe the 2 million thing. Okay, well, I'll log into my account right now. Is the Wi-Fi password smile?

I'm already logged into your account. It's not smile. We had to change it because people were stealing the Wi-Fi. Let me finish. Can I have a hard-boiled egg or not? I have a flight to Toledo in 14 minutes, and I need a hard-boiled egg for the ride. There's no way. Yeah, it says right here that you were at LAX and you requested an omelet, island-style, and then when they didn't have the exact hot sauce that you wanted from Hawaiii you poured hot oil on the chef so that's an honor to the chef to be to be bathed in oil by a two million miler i know it's not really my place what are you doing in toledo you said you were flying to toledo i'm from toledo where are you headed how are you

getting two million miles flying to such a small city in ohio i take a regional flight from toledo to here where we are lax of course in order to maximize my miles because there's two million of them okay all right as you said yourself i have to spend 30 hours a day in the air to maintain this and i have to have a diet that is rich with hard-boiled eggs 1900 miles since you started the account that's really that's hard to do it's such a small amount it's like from la i don't know if you thought that it was 1.9 million like you were really close to 2 million which also 2 million is not a delineation of club levels it's 100,000 it's 250,000 and then it's 500,000 let's get ed bastion on the line how about that? Who? The CEO of Delta, Ed goddamn Bastion.

Why don't we call Ed? I don't have his direct line. Why don't you call him and ask him if he knows Eric Dardy? Do you mind if I check in this family before I deal with you? This kid looks like he has to use the restroom. Dad, I really want some eggs. I'm starving. We just have to use the rest.

Don't eat all those eggs, you little piece of shit. Don't tell him that. You're not going to get in. You're not going to get in. Okay. I can use my money elsewhere. I hope you know. I can go to any other lounge in this airport.

Cut to another lounge at the airport. Hi, I'm a two million miler with Delta. Me and Ed Bastian wanted to... Who? CEO. Of Delta? Yeah. This is the Qantas lounge, so that means nothing. Sorry, I was actually

already assisting a different customer. Your membership number, ma'am? 247-865. Got it. Do you have any questions about the lounge or any of the amenities? your membership number ma'am 247-865 got it do you have any questions about the lounge or any of the amenities would you mind asking if they have eggs in there I'm next up I'll be in there in a second

but I just want to know ahead of time this is her time do you have eggs do you have eggs sorry to interrupt mate this guy he reeks of shit. I'm sorry, mate. You haven't taken a shower in like a week.

Are there showers and eggs in the lounge is all I need to know. There are showers, but I really, I don't want you in the lounge because he is right. You do reek of excrement. Ma'am, we'd love to offer you. I'm going to head in. There's a sauna in the back. Feel free to have one. There's a sauna in the back. Will you bring

me an egg, lady? Please do not bring him an egg. I'm not planning on bringing him an egg, so I'm gonna head in and use the sauna in the showers. Thank you so much. You can cut to the sauna. You're in there relaxing. Finally. What a day. Oh my god.

Sorry about that. I was just saying, that guy back there reeked of shit yeah he smelled pretty bad this was co-ed sorry yeah it's a co-ed sauna starts to smell like shit i just oh my god i'm starting to smell like real crap oh so then sorry i didn't want to be rude. Two Million Miler kicks in the door. Get out of the sauna, you fucking predator. I don't like you, Australian pervert.

No, he's fine. He's fine. He smells a little bad, but he's okay. I'm okay. I ran out of the sauna He's finally dead Eric Dardy

Great review Jesus Christ Amir did you bring in a review would you like to do Our second review Eric likes to dardy Eric likes to dardy Good very good That was awesome Eric likes to darty. Eric likes to darty. Good.

Very good. That was awesome. Wait, so none of you are going to turn off your cameras for that, but Amir will leave because I'm singing Guess Who's Back. Dave B. He's going to do it again. He's going to do it again. Dave B? Jake, do you have a last name for Dave B?

Boyle. As in he has a boil right on the tip of his nose, and he doesn't want to get it Lance. Rudolph style. Armstronged or otherwise. Alright so with the knowledge that he has a boil on his nose Amir take it away. Meh. Pathetic food selection and terrible

lighting. 5000k LEDs are way too harsh. Two stars. Sorry what airport lounge is this? American Airlines Lounge in Denver. Excuse me. Excuse me. Yes, sorry.

Sorry, I was doing it by the customer. Sorry, is there a way to get the color temperature a little different? It's like a harsh 5,000 Kelvin in here, and that kind of makes my boil kind of come out in a way. The color temperature a little different. It's like a harsh 5,000 Kelvin in here and that kind of makes my boil kind of come out in a way. The color temperature? The harsh fluorescence, yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, just because the lounge in this airport is so big,

this is kind of what we could afford for this lounge. Okay. That's funny you should say that, though, because they're actually... I don't mean to tell you how to do your job, but these actually cost an annual $20 per day higher than, let's say, 2700 Kelvin. So I'd

really appreciate it if you could replace the light bulbs. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Sorry, I'll be with you in a second. I'm his twin brother. So I was wondering if you could change the temperature. The temperature in here.

Oh, absolutely. We can do that. We have kind of a nest knob in the corner. Yes. Can you put it at around 38 degrees? Celsius or Fahrenheit? Fahrenheit. 38 degrees Fahrenheit. It needs to be near freezing.

I don't think we can actually do that today my brother's actually he's making a joke because what he's saying is that the color temperature of the lights is so icy cold that you might as well have the real temperature mask to boot is it going to be an igloo in here? this is your fault

well actually it's not going to be an igloo I'm not going to change it everyone seems to not be having a problem with the temperature where we're at. Let's ask him then. Let's ask him then. Sir? Sure. Yeah, sorry.

I'm so sorry, sir. Can you read lips? Can you read lips? Yeah, but you're spitting a lot. Can you read lips? Yeah, it's hard for me to see it because you are spitting a lot. Sir, this is a photo of a very nice living room with 2700 Kelvin lamps, soft lighting. Pretty good, right?

Yeah, your home screen, I see it. Pretty good, right? I guess. Is that your living room? No. I wish. It's something to aspire to. Better than these harsh fluorescents, right?

I don't figure. Oh, this is a place of business, so we're not supposed to like... I'm sorry, sir. Gentlemen, if you're not happy with the interior, I mean, there are plenty other lounges. There's the seating area outside of your gate. You know, if you're going to keep causing a ruckus in here, I'm going to have to ask you.

We'll stop. We'll stop. We'll stop. As long as we can stay in the lounge. How are you guys twins? One of you is 7'2", the other one is 4'11". Like, what happened there? We like to joke that he got all the tall jeans and he buys all the tall jeans. That's fun.

Thanks, really? Shorts are pants to me. It's fine. You know what? It's fine. If you guys have a ladder, I brought some color gels. This will match 2,700 Kelvins. No, we're actually, that's not going to be possible today.

I'm climbing up the cabinetry in the corner. I get on his shoulders. Sir, could you please get down? Fall into a coffee table. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That's a lawsuit. This is a lawsuit.

You're right. It is a lawsuit. I will see you in court. Really? You injured my brother. You guys have to leave the lounge. Of course you need to leave immediately. We're going.

We're going. Sir, one last question. Can I just pull you aside for a second? Oh, my God. Sir, you last question. Can I just pull you aside for a second? Oh, my God. Sir, you said this is a place of business? I put a massive hand on his shoulder. I put a tiny finger on his other shoulder. What business do you do?

Because we actually are recently fun employed because of the virus and stuff. So we could really use a bone. What's your business? Put on a mask. My god, you are raining. You are raining on me. And you clearly don't take this social isolationism seriously.

What is your business? What's your business? Yeah, I stock airport lounges. So I have to make sure that the food here is up to snuff and that everyone has is well fed why are you guys crying

what about the lighting do you make any decisions on the lighting no of course not of course I don't make decisions ask us what we used to do for a living we we would install Philips Hue Bulbs

Hue Bulbs Philips Hue bulbs. Hue bulbs. What's that? Philips Hue bulbs. Oh, my God. Sardio. There's no way I'm not sick now because of you. We didn't leave the ladder because I'm seven feet tall and I could hold my brother up. Yeah, evidently not.

He has a whole row of the plane, by the way. He lays across two, threely not. He has a whole row of the plane, by the way. He lays across two, three seat rows. And every time the snack cart comes, he has to kind of do a plank. I'm falling. My knees don't bend. Ma'am. They don't bend. I thought you guys were going to leave.

We are on our way out. We just wanted to know if there is a kind of a way in to the lounge. It's the same way you went out. No, not a physical door. Like a lighting design job. We could install Phillips Hue in a way. Well, we actually just hired a new mechanic, so I'm sorry that position's already filled. Giant

fucking ten comes in the door. Oh, it's the Bulbous Brothers? I know you guys from Toledo. What's up, dudes? No, no, nothing. Do you two know each other? Yeah, I mean, like, they got fired, and, you know, their old boss kind of put me on in there

just because I'm, like, super jacked. I can reach pretty high, and I don't need a younger brother to get on my shoulders. I can reach pretty high. What are you doing here? I mean, I'm here to fix the lights in here. I can get in the cabinets that are low without having to bend down That's not a skill

Sorry to interrupt, that's not a big deal He's saying my back doesn't hurt when I'm trying to get products Has anyone ever said you look like Chris Hemsworth? I mean, my god, I want your autograph or a selfie You know what, I actually get that all the time I was talking

Do you want a picture? Do you want an autograph? Oh, who were you talking to? I didn't know. I was talking. Do you want a picture? Do you want an autograph? Please, yes. But you're not actually Chris Hemsworth. I know, but he looks so much like him. Well, I'm not Chris Hemsworth. It's unbelievable. It's almost better to look like him.

I'm Dale Tiber. He doesn't look like Chris Hemsworth. Yeah, it is. Chris Hemsworth has teeth. You're so tall and you're spitting a lot. Chris Hemsworth has teeth. And then I punch him really hard in the mouth. Brother.

My hand. You need to get out of here now. We have to go. We have to go. Get out of the airport. Very good. Two solid reviews. I brought in one more.

Should we do one more? No. Let's do it. This is, sorry, don't just like immediately say no because it's kind of a drag on the show I just yeah I figured Riley would be too polite

so I thought I'd start the no thing and then she could hop well no it's just like the whole thing with improv sorry it's just the whole sorry it's just like the whole thing

with improv actually is that it's like yes and so it's like whenever you say no to anything on the show that's actually like are you listening Amir

sorry are you listening sorry no it's just no but Jeff like you can interrupt either it's just kind of like the whole point of the show and the whole point of improv is to just kind of keep agreeing and keep building off each other. Sorry.

Please don't interrupt, actually. I get it. You're saying no to what I'm saying. I already understood. You don't get it. So it's actually kind of like I actually need you to stop because I'm the one who's talking right now. I know what you're saying.

It's about listening. It's about listening. No, but because it's about listening. I can hear you. Improv's all about listening. You're saying the same sentence over and over. Hear or listen? It's about listening. Because hearing is just kind of taking it in and about listening. It's about listening. I can hear you. You're saying the same sentence over and over. Hear or listen? It's about listening.

Because hearing is just kind of taking it in and then listening. Jeff, I know you're agreeing with me, but you also need to stop. You need to stop. Jake is actually doing it right right now. Jake is listening. He's taking it in, and he's getting ready to build off what's next. But until I'm done, you can't actually build off anything. I'm also listening.

No, you're not actually listening because you're talking. I want you to stop talking. No, listening and talking isn't the same thing. sorry yeah of course not listening and talking what do you have sorry amir i really you're really got my last fucking nerve right now actually so this isn't a joke and it's just like a fun improv podcast and you're kind of making it like this is actually what you're doing all right no you are well you are jake is actually doing jake is jake is actually like killing the show right now. Jake and I are in a scene actually.

Right now? And he's listening and he's responding. Yeah, this is actually a scene right now. All right. And so Jake and I are actually like, this is like we're middle ditching Schwartz right now. Jake hasn't said anything. You're Penn and Teller.

What's the scene? What's the scene? You're not going to know what the fucking scene is if you keep talking, obviously. You're not going to know what the scene is if you keep being like, oh, what's the scene? Okay, what's the? Jeff, what's the review? Jeff, what's the review?

Stop. This is a two-star review from Susan M. Riley, last name? Me-oh-my. Susan Me-oh-my from a two-star review from last September of the United Club at LAX.

This is the United Club that has an outdoor deck, which is pretty trill. That's a sky lounge, baby. Sorry. Yeah. All right. I bought a day pass so I could relax on a long layover at LAX.

But the check-in guy. In two interactions I had with him, 10 days apart, the guy at the front desk, the one with the glasses and goatee slash scraggly beard, was very cold and unsmiling. I am on two hours of sleep at the club check-in desk, and I was trying to bring up my pass in the United app.

It took me a minute. He kept trying to dismiss me. Nope, no pass, no pass. Then gestures to the next person behind me. Sir, sit over there. Then when I left, he said friendly things to the person in front of me and behind me, looked right at me, but no goodbye. Excuse me.

Hi. Ding, ding. Ring the bell. Good evening. Good morning. Sorry. I am losing track of time. You know, it's a long night.

A couple of red eyes. I was wondering if I could just check in. I have a pass and my boarding number if you want to pull it up. Sure, yeah. It is J25876. It's not there. No pass. No pass.

Oh, well, actually. Can I get in? Come on down, friend. Balloons fall from the ceiling. Confetti cannons burst out, a banner falls down saying it could only be Jacob. How are you?

Good. I don't have my pass. It's fine, sir. Straight up the escalator with you, there's an omelette with your name on it, my friend. Arrivederci. Wow, this is it. Lounge sure has changed since the last time I was here. You've never been here

before in your goddamn life. I've never seen your face. You have no pass. J2962? I think not. Did you even check? I didn't even see you type anything on the computer. I know all the passes by heart. You know all the passes that haven't even been bought yet? I bought mine this morning. Here comes another.

N458822. There he is. Spring break. Deep French kiss for four seconds. Good to see you again. Thank you for having me. I'm not even flying anywhere, man. The service last time and this time, seemingly, is unbelievably better than any

Michelin star restaurant. Absolutely raising the roof. Get up here. I'm looking. There's omelets on deck. Omelets up there. For people dressed in distasteful Egyptian attire coming with a throne, I sit down on it and they take me up the stairs. Here's your towel. Have fun on

the water slide up there. Can I get in? You didn't even check. You didn't even check either of their passes. Slap across the face. You have to calm down. You must calm down. What? I have been talking so calmly to you, and you've been treating me so poorly. You haven't even given me a smile, and you kiss both of them on the mouth. A kiss?

Do you want a kiss, you sicko? No, I'm not saying. No, God. I don't want a kiss. I No, I'm not saying. No, God. I don't want a kiss. I just, I'm so tired. Sorry, can you guys keep it down? I just want to go upstairs and sit down. There's an orgy happening upstairs,

and we keep hearing this mousy, shrilly, almost bad noise. Both of you guys either have to look me in the eyes directly and hold the eye contact, or just chill and look elsewhere. I'm trying to get rid of this troglodyte troll woman. I know she's putting a damper on things. I'm trying to get her to leave. I'm just trying to get into the lounge. Just look up my past.

Open her bags. Open her bags. Please. Oh, that's funny. What the fuck? No. Do not touch my bag. Open the bag upside down.

Bring the bags upstairs. We can play with it. We can play with the bags. Throw a dop kit. What the fuck? No. These are my. Stop it. We can play with the bags. What the fuck? No, these are my... Stop it! Let's all fuck this toothbrush.

What? Oh my God. Is there anyone I can talk to about this? Do you have a manager? Is there any supervisor? Ed Bastian walks in. Ed Bastian? I just want to make sure everything's okay here.

I got a call. Mr. Bastian, hello. I'm Ms. Miyomai. I've just been trying to get into this i totally know i get what you mean trevor i get what you mean um wait what do you mean you you don't know you have your past number did you give him your past number i gave him my past number he didn't even look it up he said it didn't exist right because i know i gave you the past number i gave you the past number mr bastion i gave it to you i bought it i paid 35 dollars

all right you know what i know how to fix this. Just pay for a day pass. We can't seem to find your current one in the system. It's $10 just cash. We can just, and then you can go upstairs and join the party. Alright? Can I get a refund on the pass that I bought earlier? Hold me back, Bastion. Hold me back. Oh my god.

Fine. Here. Here's $10. Here's $10 in cash. I eat it. No, that's good. Can I go upstairs? No, man. This is $10. Here's $10 in cash. I eat it. No, that's good. Can I go upstairs? No, man. This is the lounge for lounge fans. Oh, here comes J1799. Y'all ready for this?

Oh, my God. Airport lounge. Bastion, you old son of a bitch. Why don't we go upstairs and fuck each other? How the heck are you? Let's go 99. Let's go 99. Let's go 99. You know what? I've had enough.

I've had enough. Everyone stops. This lounge, whatever the fuck you want to call it, this is some fucking sex club. I just wanted to sit in a nice chair, maybe snooze for a little bit and eat some eggs, alright? I'm done.

I'm done with this. I don't know what the fuck you think you're doing with this, but I'm going to go kick it at Virgin, all right? I'm going to tell everyone about the little scheme you've got going on over here because it's done. It's unsanitary. It's unprofessional. And it's downright unkind. I hand you a 14-inch dildo.

That's the kind of spunk we need. The passion that we need. Welcome to the club, you absolute bastards. Oh my god, are you serious? A reverse water slide comes up underneath you and shoves you up the escalator. we're all washing each other's that lady where'd you get that dildo alright should we do our last

segment fine this shook me up it absolutely This Took me all Too long It absolutely did What's been shaking you, Answa? Okay, so I've talked about this on this pod

I think I've talked about it on If I Were You Is it milk again? No way Are you kidding me? So I Do love some milk Right? like i love some skim milk it's good to have every week you're what shook me is either a dog video you saw or dairy so so um i famously really dislike whole milk i think it's just too thick to handle and I don't enjoy it.

But when I was staying with Daniel's family, they only had whole milk for coffee. And I wasn't going to pass that up, right? You just said you hated it. So I had some. And well, now I've grown accustomed to it. So then I came back here and I had skim milk. And I've been putting in my coffee and I'm just like, something's missing. It's too thin it's

too watery it's it's nothing to me so I think I might be changing a little bit and it kind of scares me but I'm also like excited does that make sense like this is the biggest thing to ever happen to me so what I'm saying is that it's like I don't want it too thin but not too thick I'm not going that crazy but um it is a change is gonna milk. What was that? Sorry, this is a segment of the show where we talk about things that are super exciting or something.

Current obsessions, airing your grievance, what's been on your mind? Change is gonna milk? What was that? That was a parody of a very important civil rights era song. Right. What?

A change is going to melt. That entire diatribe was neither here nor there. It felt. What? What are you talking about? I don't understand. You just talked about how you like 1% milk. No, I'm talking about how I was like a 0% to 2% girl,

but now I'm thinking about going like a little bit more than that because now the skim is like too skim for me. I need a little bit of substance, which is actually like a big character development for me. Who wants to go next? It's hard to follow. It is, but not for the reason that you think. It's hard to follow.

You can't say that about your own speech or anything. You had a talent show. You just finished doing a fine juggling routine. All right. Hard to follow. All right. Hard to follow. Who's next?

Amir, you look sickly. Why don't you go next? I feel fine. Before you kind of croak yeah not really um it's hard to tallow because uh she was talking about fat i think right um I what's your thing I kind of like calligraphy oh man you kind of like

calligraphy you like it have you tried it it's supposed to be something you're obsessed with I'm saying yeah yeah there's different like calligraphy tiktoks and it's kind of cool to see these people write well. I don't know.

It's nice. Cool. I, yeah. I like, that was a good one, Amir. I like, I'm into current, I'm into current events. Current events? Jesus, that's nothing. That's nothing.

I like news and pop culture and hearing about what's going on and what's happening. What's your favorite thing that's happening? News or events? Just anything that happened this week. There were so many headlines. This week I thought it was more, it felt like a little bit more of a culture news week than news news.

It was a slow news week. It it was a slow news week it was a slow news week it was not a slow news week it was not a slow news week it was actually pretty intense yeah the DNC the DNC the dancing I thought the dancing was good I thought the dancing was fine and that's I'm like I like to stay up to date on that kind of stuff i pride myself on being kind of a news junkie why because i gotta have my information and it's not about just having the information but it's where you're getting the information that's important too sure but that's nothing you gotta you have to have a lot of different sources of the information i was gonna say you want it you can't have where are you getting the information from? Fox! Fox News. Okay. So Fox and A&N.

Jeff, what's your... God damn it. What's yours? All right. Let's go with... Here we go. One time. No thoughts.

Hmm. This is interesting. You're thinking so much. Just pick anything. Pick literally anything. Three, two, one, go. Ever had beer mustard? Is this stand-up?

I yield the rest of my time. Oh, you're trying to microphone fell. That's a mic drop, baby. All right. You can find Riley on Instagram, at Riley and Svahn on Instagram and TikTok. TikTok. Why do I always say TikTok?

Because TikTok's been in the ether for my entire friggin' strife, man. TikTok's new. What's your accent like? At Riley Coyote on Twitter as well. You can find him. Well, yeah, whatever. Doesn't matter. Oh my God.

You can find Jeff at I'm Jeffrey James on Instagram, at Don't Play No James on Twitter, and whatever the fuck your tiktok is i always forget it's just i'm jeffrey james all right um jake and amir do you have anything to plug personal duo projects i have a coinbase wallet hash if anyone wants to gift me some light coin or ether um you're back on that all right sweet so amir's asking for your cash i'll tell you to check out the head cash crypto the head gum store all of the you can buy some merch and all of our proceeds this month are going to uh black art futures so check that out got it h6 fucking Y uppercase Z C Y T H L 12

not buckets 12 you don't want to plug buckets no this is give direct Patreon you guys Patreon B O L L T

sick this is just for personal gain that's just for and with that number they can take money from your wallet as well right right yeah

that's the code the passcode so maybe yeah so maybe bleep it because i actually didn't realize that it was a two-way street that has been two-way street all right so they're starting to i don't know if we were live streaming but it's starting to pilfer and then and it's gone that will financially ruin me i had 911000 at the start of the sentence. Right now I have 48, 32 cents, 16 cents. And I owe 100.

Gone. Everything gone. Everything's gone. How did that happen? How did that? Why am I ruined for this? Try to close that up because they can, yeah, you can carry a negative balance in that wallet.

It'll just bring you into debt. Yeah, it's debt. $28,000 in the red. You have to close it now. $2,000. it's in that wallet it'll just bring you into data so 28 000 in the red now who do i call because it's sort of decentralized the whole thing is that it's not traceable oh i owe a billion dollars and that's in the ledger fuck my my ass for that. Oh, no. Thank you guys so much for listening. We'll catch you guys this Friday with a bonus episode, factually.

As well as some exciting guests coming up. Also, be sure to catch our episode of If I Were You that I think came out yesterday by the time you guys are hearing this. So thank you guys for having us on, which we are about to record after this. Time is crazy. Right, Riley? Time is insane. Yeah, that one. Time is crazy. Oh, that is fun.

That is fun. Oh my god. My abs hurt. My ass hurts. Thank you, Jake. Thank you, Amir, for coming on. Thanks for coming on. Does your ass still hurt? What's that?

Does your ass still hurt? Thanks for having us. All right. And until Friday, arrivederci. Chee! That was a HateGum podcast.