Review Revue - Apple Orchards

Episode Date: October 10, 2023

This week on Review Revue, Alf and Reilly are back with the most septic wistful episode yet. This episode is sponsored by/brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/REVIEWREVUE and get on your way to being your best self.>>>>><<<<<Follow at:IG: @reillyanspaugh @alfredinnitTwitter: @reilecoyote Join the discord here!Produced by Daniel Ramos @SchubirdsAdvertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Get that Angel Reef special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. And participating restaurants for a limited time.

Podcasts calling all Review Review Podcasts. We have a live show coming up. The New York Comedy Festival will be presenting Review Review live. We'll be performing at the Littlefield Theater in Brooklyn on Sunday, November 5th as part

of the New York Comedy Festival. We will have special guests Ryan Gall and Kylie Brakeman. You can get your tickets at headgum.com slash live. You can go on either Alfred or my Instagrams. You can go on the at headgum.com slash live. You can go on either Alfred or my Instagrams. You can go on the

New York Comedy Festival, look up Review Review on the Littlefield website. There are so many places. But get your tickets Sunday, November 5th, 530. It is going to be so much fun. Alf, anything to say?

Yeah, I guess buy your tickets. Great. Let's start the show I just got back from the wedding and I'm feeling The intention of this episode to me It will be the most wistful It's the most wistful episode of Review Review We're never holding a British man Review Review One that the whole world sees

The British man Review Review The angry, grumpy, drunken Julian Review Review The one who provides the ticket Shots can hold A great puzzle of the entire alien Squad in the month with Full episodes Wow.

Whoa, indeed. Hold on. That was like, I mean, the intention's already been set now. Is that fair to say? I mean, if you're comfortable with that intention, I'm with that intention so that was from gun ho quok and i'm quok i'm sorry that i've been mispronouncing your name for so long that was from gun ho quok um he said in case it was unclear what i was saying due to the squelting i am suggesting this to be the most wistful episode of review review and that was a uh parody of still into you but like still review review

you know no no i listened to it you played it oh okay um i didn't so i guess like already the intentions up top this is gonna be the most wistful episode i don't know what it's like in sunny sunny sunny california but here in not sunny chicago illinois it's gray it's cold fall is here i'm so jealous it is 90 degrees are you serious yes oh that sucks no it's like all the leaves have fallen it's crispy it's like 55 outside today i went on a walk i got brunch i got coffee all the ha the Halloween decorations are out. Oh, my God. I could cry.

People have like little skeleton and a little. People have a little skeleton. A little Ellie belly. I am so jealous. But I am here. It's a wistful season though, right? It's a wistful season. And I'm here.

I'm wistfully dog sitting for my mom's lab this week and so i am here with red and max in the studio um can i get out can i get a what what red he's a sleepy little sloppy baby um so if at any point you hear me go whoop um i don't want to say O-U-T-S-I-D-E right now because it was going to make them freak out. But if they snore or freak out, I don't know why they'd freak out, but it seems so good. They're losing their minds. We've never seen improv like this,

even though we could only hear one half of the conversation. So I'm here. I'm at my mom's place and dog sitting for the week. And the dogs sleep in the bed now. The dogs sleep in the bed. And so I ultimately did get only about three, three and a half hours of sleep. Because, I mean, what can I say? The red doggy snores like a banshee.

And they both are very dense dogs. And so they kind of, it's hard to push them out of the way when they kind of corner me into one edge of the bed um so have you thought about um getting him like a c-pap um we had him fitted for one but it's just at this point it's like it's just more hassle it's like getting the harness on him is hard enough. But Alf, what's like, other than it being really nice there and it being really hot as balls here, what's new with you? Oh my God, you're so tired. I'm like the sleepiest I've ever been. I'm so freaking sleepy.

I don't know. I played squash this morning. I know, I know, know i know everybody's impressed and uh i don't know and i ate a huge brunch i had a uh chilaquiles torta so it was a torta with chilaquiles in it and then i also had pumpkin pancakes and i also had the two of those things cannot sit well together oh but oh but and but it did it sat so right and i had iced coffee this morning and then i had another cold brew right after brunch so right now at 4 30 p.m i'm crashing yeah of course you are that was dave matthews um i was doing there um But I actually, I have a feeling that this is going to be the most wistful episode ever.

And by wistful, I mean excellent. Okay. By wistful, I mean powerful. By wistful, I mean blissful. By wistful, I mean hot. Okay. By wistful i mean hot okay by wistful i mean rusty by wistful i mean septic okay wait what if we just did no we already did we already had a septic

no there's gonna be this wistful app but yeah i mean it's like this topic oh my god we haven't gotten to the topic i am so out of my it's because of the intention it's because of the song we skipped right to the intention we got fucked up so wistful um alf fucked up this topic is wistful to be honest yes this topic makes me nostalgic makes me this topic apple orchards makes me jealous for you being in fall in Chicago and me being in a heat wave. Being in a place that experiences seasons. Yeah. Alf, talk to me about apple orchards, for the love of God.

Apple orchards, I mean, where to start? Apple orchards were nirvana to kids like me. You know, kids with- And can you elaborate on kids like you yeah absolutely that's kids who would uh go on to receive a attention deficit and hyperactivity disorder diagnosis uh later in life kids who weren't built to be in a classroom but were built to eat hay and climb so a horse or a goat but it is like that just the smell of rotting fermented apples, you know what I mean, on the ground. No.

Combined with the like fresh apple cider donut and the crisp fall air. Like just that smell. So you think that. That amalgamation of smells. No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm desperately trying to save it. Moving on. No, so sorry., no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm just really trying to save it. Moving on. No, so sorry.

Just the rotting fruit. You think that being in a barn is good for kids with ADHD? Yes, I genuinely do. I think like. Just purely because of the olfactory senses. No, no, I guess I could have made that transition clearer. Oh, your son has ADHD. Might want to give him some hay. You might want to have him huff some

fucking farm runoff. Manure. But no, it's like you just run around. I don't know. Nothing will focus a little tight. It's also like to get to an apple orchard or any kind of orchard for that

matter you're always in a car for a while you're climbing up the mountain you know what i mean and it's like you've got so much out of your ass like fuck i want to eat some fucking apples for fuck's sake let me get the fuck out of here and then you finally get let loose and it's just like why were you chucky and then and there's just so many smells and it's just like oh you know if anything it sounds like it would be a sensory overload no because it's like you're outside you're in nature and there's apples and there's a ladder and there's that pole there's a pole you grab there's the things you put your head through and no you don't understand because there's a ladder. No, Riley, you're getting it fucked up. There's a ladder there. So it's like a blast.

It's just like that to me was like, that is fall. Yes. A corn maze. A pumpkin patch. I love an apple orchard. I wish there were more accessible ones in the greater Los Angeles area. Yeah, the apples would all die on the kind of the heat. Well, exactly. And so it's like

there's nothing better than a crisp apple picking day. Get some hot cider. Fresh. They have to be fresh apple cider donuts. They're just unbelievable. I love it. I mean, you get to like... I remember, I think probably my favorite experience

at an apple orchard was I went with my college freshman roommate because her family lives in Connecticut and so experience at an apple orchard. It was, I went with my, um, freshman college, freshman roommate, uh, cause her family lives in Connecticut. And so we went to an orchard in Connecticut together. Shout her out. Shout her out.

Girl, you're listening. I know you are. Uh, we had a blast. Nine years. And it was like, I got to wear like the green jacket that all the girls were wearing in like 2014.

Like the army green jacket. No, 2014. And then with like skinny jeans, brown boots. You get like the whole like it was kind of serving Christian girl autumn. Yeah. Eyebrows plucked to the edge of their life. Not plucked, but like carved out. Yes.

Like intense. Chiseled. Anastasia, chiseled brows big like um plaid scarf infinity scarf like it was it was oh my god but yeah getting fresh apples fresh donuts and then sometimes oh sometimes there's a little petting zoo or a little farm aspect to it. No, uh-oh isn't like, uh-oh, that's where old Antspawn's going to be. Antspawn's going to be petting a goat the whole time. Because I love an animal.

So yeah, I literally, I've not, hey, I have nothing but nice things to say about orchards. I have nothing but nice things to say about them. I know, I know. You can ask anybody and they'll say that I have nothing but nice things to say. Well, that actually is, could we roll the clip? I have some interviews with your friends and family about you, things that you've said to them about orchards. But no, I really don't, I don't think I've ever had a bad experience. No. I genuinely, I don't think I've ever had a bad experience at an apple orchard. And like all the people, I mean, we'll get into it, but I read a lot of reviews that were like, people just kind of like, in the back of my head, I was just like, maybe you're

not built for it. Okay. Maybe this isn't for you. Maybe this isn't for you. Okay. Because orchards should be, and I feel like they are geared to be for everybody. So it's really interesting. The kind of person who like just simply don't have it.

Because you're like, oh my God, the traffic and the parking and the waiting in the long line. Maybe this isn't for you, honey. I'm like, stop and smell the apple cider, mama. Waiting in the line for an hour is the activity. Stop and smell the hay. Being charged three times what you pay for apples in the grocery store is the activity. As Timmy Turner's dad says, this is the ride.

And what's his name? I think we should get to the first review in our wistful episode. She doesn't know Timmy Turner's dad's name. I think let's get started. It's... You don't know it. I don't know it. I don't know it. It's not Hubert.

Hubert. Why does that feel like Jimmy Neutron's dad's name? Hugh, I think, is Jimmy Neutron. Hugh. Hugh Neutron. And then his mom is called Last. Trudy? No.

Trudy. Were you going to say Elastigirl? An Elastigirl, I think, is the mom's name. Hugh and Elastigirl Neutron. And hugh and elastigirl neutron and then jimmy neutron's name is dash everyone's the same except the dad is just hugh neutron it's the incredibles but the dad is hugh neutron the dog i think is named violet bark bark okay oh that was a crazy the dog from jimmy newtron impression wait goddard hold up okay what was that um the dog's name is goddard i don't know i swear to goddard read the got a blast bark bark okay do you want to start or should I? I want you to start.

How's the Jimmy Neutron theme song go? Trips to the stars to buy candy bars. Okay, here we go. Jimmy Neutron. That's the one. Someone do a theme song based on the Jimmy Neutron theme song. That would be a banger. This is for Wilson Farm in Massachusetts.

I've been there. Massachusetts, not the farm. Shut up. This reviewer is titled Yes P. Initial P. So Yes P. What's the last name for yes? Yes Peanut. It's the last name for yes? Yes Peanut.

It's me talking to my grandchildren. Yes Peanut. Yes Peanut. Four stars from Yes Peanut. All caps. Outrageous cider donuts. I am not a donut person. My experience has never extended beyond Dunkin' and I've never really had a craving for a donut.

Deranged. Warm, fresh, hot off the presses donut? Not something I've done. Then, after some prompting from my girlfriend and some friends, we hit Wilson Farm after a day of apple picking in search of cider donuts to cap off the apple experience. Oh, Lord. Oh, Lord. of apple picking in search of cider donuts to cap off the apple experience oh lord oh lord they make these delectable treats in front of you takes only a minute or so for the dough drop into the oil to a final cinnamon sugar dusting and lay them out on a wax paper tray name number. 50 cents a pop, and they drop them in a paper bag that quickly speckles with the remnants of the oil.

All I've got to say is, outrageous cider donuts! I am not the kind of person who goes out of the way for any one food item. But these things are so good, I would really get in my car and drive 30 minutes for just one. They are that good. Go try one. If this isn't the best fall treat you've ever put in your mouth, I would truly be shocked. Outrageous.

Parking lot is pandemonium. I'm sure it's been said in other posts. Um, I mean, that was ad copy. That was, it really is. like it feels like um like what was the it feels like like late 90s early 2000s commercials that like every couple seconds reminds you of get the goo ultimate squish them suck them eat them chew them get the goo like the most like

maximalist just neon flashing lights like epilepsy inducing commercials you can scrap it you can skirk it you can skronk it okay uh chip thank you so much for coming in um you know We are so excited to have you. You're just a normal, regular guy from Boston. Our whole campaign for this orchard is just real people, not actors, that whole thing. And so, we just want you

to be yourself. That's why we brought you in. And so, I guess all we really need from you is just a quick 10 seconds of why you love Fox Hill Farms and especially the cider donuts if you could really just like you know add one thing in there about the cider donuts

we're really trying to push those whenever you're ready yeah I mean the donuts they're outrageous you can crisp them you can crunch them you can tear them you can chew them oh you know what actually chip we're gonna stop you right there i'm so sorry um they're outrageous oh yeah

they're outrageous i think actually what looking to the other execs are nodding what what we're really trying to get across from this drama is that like how soft and lovely they are and you don't even have to just talk about the donuts. You can just talk about your whole experience being at the farm. And we can clip. Yeah, we can clip 10 seconds. So as long as you just, you know, it's like the donuts were so soft and delicious.

You know, your words. Okay. But I don't think we want to be selling like crispy, crunchy donuts that you can snap. Okay. You know, that's not really a donut. But they were. Have you ever had a donut?

I feel like it's just... Before today, just dunking. Before today. Dunking or dunkin'? Dunking donuts. Is that dunkin'? No, my wife makes these donuts for dunking in soup. In soup?

Yeah. All right. Give me a go. I can redeem. All right. Give me a go. I can redeem myself. Yeah. Give me another shot. No, no, no. Not redeem.

I feel like I didn't give you what you wanted. You didn't. And that's why we're going to start again. But it's not. You're not like a bad person. We're rolling. All right. Let's do it.

Soft. These donuts are softer than my nephew who went to liberal arts college. Okay. All right. What? We are going to. You know what? You don't need to talk about the quality, like the texture of the donut.

You can just be like, I love their donuts. Okay. I don't want to tell you your experience. Okay. Yeah. How about let's just try that. Okay. And we're rolling.

I love these donuts about as much as my wife loves spending my money. I can't close my eyes for two seconds without her taking my wallet and she buys something that we don't need. I love these donuts about as much as my wife loves her tennis coach. She's always... Okay, and we're going to stop again. What? We can use I love these donuts, I love these donuts.

That part is totally usable. So how about we skip the donuts. Sounds like I did the job. Where's my cash? Well, I think let's also just get a little bit of like Fox Hill Farms. Fun for the whole family. Again, I don't want to be putting words into your mouth. I want this to be your experience. But again, please keep it just about Fox Hill Farms. Fun for the whole family. Again, I don't, I don't want to be putting words into your mouth. I want this to be your experience.

But again, please keep it just about Fox Hill Farms. Fox Hill Farms. Fox Hill Farms. Okay. And we're rolling. Fuck fest farts. Come get them. Okay.

Oh, I, oh. What? What'd I do? You know what you, can you just say Fox Hill Farms for me? Just so I know that you know what you're saying. fox fox hill hill farms farms fox hill farms fox hill farms fox hill farms It's like box, but with an F. Fox. Box. No. Fox. Fox. No.

No. Fox. Dude. Fox. Stop it. Fox. Stop it. Fox Hill Farms.

Fox Hill Farms. Perfect. Were we rolling on that? No. Fuck. I got it. Give me one more shot. Okay. Last one. Okay. Were we rolling on that? No. Fuck! I got it. Give me one more shot. Okay.

Last one. Okay. Are you rolling? We're rolling. Fox News Farms. I love Fox News. And we're done. Cut.

Come on. Can I have my cash? We were going to give you a bag of donuts for free. I'll take it. Great. Oh, these are so soft. I like them crunchy. You aren't eating donuts.

Those are bagel chips. Oh, donuts. You want to go? Yeah. Can I leave? I screamed and read the dog got nervous. I knew it would happen. Okay.

Let's take, wait, sorry. Let's take a quick break so I can check on my little, my little chunky man. I think they're, oh, I think they're going to be all right, but fine. Well, I'll be right back. And once we're back, I will have checked on the little guys. Right. And you're saying check on them like they're not two foot away from you. A check literally is just you looking down. We'll be right back.

We're back. I literally had to look down on the floor and make sure that they were okay. And they are. Because they're my dense boys. They are. They, like, I don't think I could pick either of them up. I was trying to, like, Red was, like, on top of the covers in such a way that, like, I didn't have any on me. And I was just trying to, like, pull the covers to me. Why did you need the covers? such a way that like i didn't have any on me and i was just trying to like pull

the covers to me why did you need the covers it's 90 degrees i had to like try and roll him off but he just wouldn't move and he also wouldn't take the hint um have you considered shrink ray i considered it couldn't afford it that's what a shrink ray sounds like i guess i'm gonna read a review for an apple orchard now um this one is for carlson orchards in pennsylvania okay michelle h Pennsylvania. Okay. Michelle H. Michelle Hacky Sack. Michelle Hacky Sack. Three stars. How many stars?

Sorry, two stars, two stars, two stars. This changes everything. I'm a liar. Two stars. They didn't have the one kind of apple I really like. The gift shop was full of bees. It was pricey for their small selection. The gift shop was full of bees. They didn't have the one apple I really like. And the gift shop was full of bees they didn't have the one apple i really like and the gift shop was full of

bees it sounds like a lie that sounds like a very strange lie of like hey oh my god dad you went to the apple orchard did you get did you bring anything for the kids from home oh sorry did you bring anything home for the kids sorry i'm so tired it's from home oh yeah i was going to buy uh i know it was a work thing i mean i didn't um you know i got there and then there was no you know there was no gift shop it was gone the gift shop was gone yeah i guess that they said that bees took everything. Like all the merch and dice back to their hive. The bees, like a bunch of bees flew in, I guess, and like took all the merch and all the produce and all the... Nathaniel, after every work trip,

you always come home and bring the kids a gift. I know, but this time... You're so excited to see. I know, but this time... I know, and sometimes it does feel like they're more excited about the gifts than they are to see me, doesn't it? I mean, they're eight and ten. Of course they're going to be excited for a gift.

Right, still old enough to miss their dad, but. Well, what really happened? Nathaniel, the kids are in bed. The bees thing, the bees thing. No, Nathaniel, I know for a fact that bees didn't take the gift shop away. Veronica, weirder things have happened. But you're right, I was lying. Then a group of bees.

You're right, I was lying. Because I'm embarrassed. Well, you can talk to me. I love you. And I've missed you. Hey, you don't need to bring me a gift. You are my gift. Good, because I did not.

I had a feeling because of the weird bee lie so what happened sometimes truth stranger than fiction all right you can be honest with me so i can't be that strange i was there on the tour for work taking soil samples inspect. Getting ready to file my report. And I looked at my watch and I saw 2.30. Gift shop closes at 3. Better go fast. Get something for the wife and kids. I file my samples.

Put them in the dishes. Stow them in the truck. By the time I get to the store, it's 2.45. 15 minutes left before the store closes. Gotta be fast if I want to get a gift It's 2.45. 15 minutes left before the store closes. Gotta be fast if I want to get a gift for the wife and kids. I walk in there and I pick up a jar of honey

and the lady behind the counter says, You can't steal that! You're not allowed to steal from here! And I wasn't... And I wasn't planning on stealing it. No, of course you weren't.

I was planning on buying it. But I was so embarrassed that I went into a rage. What? And I smashed... I smashed the honey on the ground. I smashed the honey on the ground. And then I said, whoops, that was an accident. But it wasn't an accident.

I did it on purpose. You did it on purpose. And then bees came? No. Nathaniel, my God. How many times? And every single time something like this happens, and this happens a lot,

whenever you get embarrassed, you always start throwing things. And I've been asking you to go to anger management for months and i just don't like if you know you have this issue i don't understand why you won't get the help that you need yeah i think i'm afraid of anger management okay well that's fair you know but i what if i get flustered they break something they won't have anything in there for you to throw you don't know that they probably will have me fill out a form for that you need a clipboard

those are really easy to throw i do it all the time if you love me i'm giving you one of these if you love me you'll go damn you painted me in a corner cut to anger management hi hi welcome um are you checking in today yeah okay great um well thank you so much for coming i know that it's a really big step for you to be here at all. You know what? We get that a lot. I'm Sammy. I'm going to be helping checking you in.

Hi, Sammy. And what is your name? Just for the records. Brian. And is that true? Bees. It's my last name. So bees okay so you are Nathaniel Stevens no okay sorry I just I have I have photos I have ID photos yes okay can I just please get you to fill out this form let

me just give you a little clipboard there to make it easier no don't be embarrassed don't be don't be embarrassed it's okay no don't give me that don't give me the clipboard don't give me the clipboard i need you sir i need you to fill this out to be part of the program i'm begging you not to give me the clipboard i don't know what'll happen do you want me to fill it out for you yes please okay i can do that um all right uh what's your address bees.com i don't think that's true you're right i think that is a website you made up no i mean i'm sure it's a real website i'm sure it's a real website but can i please get your home address 392 sycamore, great. And your phone number? 4B's.

Mr. Stevenson, if I am going to be helping you in this process, I'm going to need you to not keep saying B's for every answer. I think it's something to do with my childhood. I don't know. This isn't therapy. Okay. This is anger management, so I don't really want to get into all that. Aren there a part of it you shared way too much well i don't know i'm i'm just i'm just kind of doing admin on this and it feels very strange that you're giving me this much information i'm so

embarrassed i got that's really embarrassing okay how about you just fill out the rest of this form on your own because no no no, no, no. Trust me. It's not going to end well. I promise. Hey, listen. Everyone's handwriting is a little messy, but I'm sure I'll be able to sort through it. Will you hold my hand? I am going to ask for...

Excuse me, Marion? Yeah. Yeah. Could you help? All right. All right. Hi, honey. How can I help? Hi, alright. Hi honey, how can I help?

Hi Marion, I'm Brian Bees. No, this is Nathaniel Stevenson. Oh, yeah, yeah, we got your file here, we got it. Before you came in, you're the guy who talks about the bees. Yeah, I guess, that's my M.O. or whatever. And you're the guy who smashes stuff when he gets embarrassed. Thank you, Marion. Oh, that's why you wouldn't- You could have explained that to your staff.

Sammy over here was about to cause World War III by handing me that clipboard. Well, now I don't think it'd be Sammy's fault. Sammy isn't the one who was gonna smash it on the floor and cause a whole ruckus, now was she? You're right. It's Mr. B's.

Mr. Stevenson, gonna smash it on the floor and cause a whole ruckus now was she you're right it's mr bees mr stevenson i can only help you if you want to be helped i want to be helped so my wife will love me i bet she does love you i bet she'd love you a bit more if you stopped smashing stuff when you felt a little embarrassed. I think that's true, Marion. Now, are you a little embarrassed by our actions here today so far? We haven't even started the session yet. No. Not at all? I'm extremely embarrassed. I'm gonna give you this pen. Okay. And if you can keep this pen in your hand

and not throw it on all around, it's gonna be a great first test. Here you go. Grabs it. Crushes it in his hand. Pink running down his arm. I did it!

I didn't throw it! I'm cured! Come back home. He didn't do the program. He runs back home. Honey, Veronica. Marry it. back home he didn't do the program he runs back home mayor oh honey honey veronica marion marion she saved me she cured me i'm new you were gone for 20 minutes you and me can be in love again and the kids can come home well the kids have been at school They don't need to come home for this. Bring them back. Family meeting. Okay. I mean, it sounds like a really big deal. Calls the school.

Kids are back. Okay, honey, what happened? I've never seen you so happy. I'm cured. In 20 minutes, they fully fixed everything? Turns out I just needed to learn. Okay, well, maybe we should give it a try. Okay, embarrass me in front of my children. Our children. Yeah, mine too. You said my children.

They're not mine? They're our children. Are these children mine? They are yours. So they're my children. They are ours. No, they're our children. You made are ours. No, they're our children. You made a mistake just now.

You said my children. They are my children. And actually, it's our children. They're your children. They're my children. That was really embarrassing for you. They are our children. I think you're the one who should be embarrassed.

You messed up. You messed up. You're making such a stink in front of our... You know what? I'm not embarrassed. I'm ashamed. Of me? Of you.

For what? Dad, are you okay? Yeah. Kids, dad are you okay yeah kids you know how sometimes daddy answers every question with the word bees bees yeah and you know how sometimes daddy lies and tells people his name's bees or that he's from bees apartment in bees town yeah we get made of fun we get made fun of at school a lot of course of course i go to church and people ask me to lead everyone in prayer and i get up there and i start buzzing and i scream there's bees there's bees in my hair yeah our teachers call you bee guy yeah and that's not just your teachers.

No, it's our friends too. That has its roots in my childhood. Oh, honey, this isn't therapy. No, no, no, they're good. They're good. Are you guys good? If we say yes, can we get a present? Sure. Whatever you want, sweetie.

When I was a kid, one time I went honey picking. That's where you go. That's not a thing, kids. I just want you guys to know that honey picking is not a thing. Your mom's Canadian. She doesn't know. We went honey picking, which is where you go to the honey farm and you take your paws and you scoop out big globs of honey and you say, oh, bother, oh, bother, and you lick it off your paws.

Now he's got a Winnie the Pooh thing happening. No, that's not true. And your friend Piglet's there, and she's your best friend, and you're never going to be apart until one day Piglet moves. And I guess it makes you angry. And now you answer everything with bees. And is any of that true?

Could be. We're leaving. Okay. I love you. No, we're like, I'm leaving you. No, I love you. And I'm taking them. And I love you.

That's nice. That's great. I love you guys i'm taking them yeah and i love you that's nice that's great i love you guys we're gone you just hear kind of buzzing come to me oh god come you bees the tenth on mortal thoughts. A normal scene that makes some sense. A normal scene that makes a lot of sense. You can't say it wasn't wistful.

You need to do a review. I can do it. Because a lot of people have been really stressed about the fact that you haven't done one. I did one. I started it.

I know, but since then. Oh, okay. I'll close this out. This one is for Beasley's Ha Ha Orchard in Danville, Indiana. Now I've heard everything. This is a one-star review from Kelsey G. Kelsey Grammer, Kelsey Grammer, the star of Frasier, Kelsey Grammer. Kelsey Grammer, the star of Frasier, Kelsey Grammer. One star. You have to read it in Frasier Kelsey Grammer Kelsey Grammer the star of Frasier Kelsey Grammer one star you have to read it in

Frasier's voice I've never seen Frasier he just sounds like an annoying guy Kelsey Grammer then oh I don't know you can do it I'm moving you do a Frasier impression never having heard him he sounds like an annoying guy from Seattle Kelsey Grammer the star of Frasier impression, never having heard him. He sounds like an annoying guy from Seattle. Kelsey Grammer, the star of Frasier.

Eerie, eerie. It's like he's in the room. One star. We had a birthday party here for my daughter. We were so excited about coming to the orchard and having the kids do an apple tour. We were told via email that we only had to pay for the children that were coming to the party. It was not cheap, and I had payment ready at arrival. At arrival, we were not greeted. We sat. I walked around trying to find someone who could help us. We were ignored. When the quote-unquote tour guide finally came, she took me in the barn and wanted payment. She then tried to tell me I had to pay for the parents as well as the kids. This was not what we had spoke about.

Kids can't drive themselves. Plus, we'd already settled on a payment via email from the party coordinator long short we sorry long short it says long short short but i would imagine that it meant long short short long short short we just played for the paid for the kids i was totally embarrassed after the apple tour that we waited 15 minutes for, we were promised cookies and cider. I had made goodies and brought them for the kiddos, so I had plenty of food, but the tour guide only had cider for the people we paid for. She made a huge stink about it. I was mortified. Then after I tipped this tour guide, which I shouldn't have even done, she set the cider out on the table. I always liked this orchard, but

I tell you, birthday parties are a total rip. We have not been back since. Moral of the story? Money does not grow on trees, but apples sure do. That's not the moral. No part of that was... It's not the moral, and it also is like, it's giving like Hobby Lobby sign and or Real Housewives intro.

My name is Vanessa and money doesn't grow on trees, but apples do. The Housewives getting ready before their promo shoot, meeting each other for the first time, obviously, because these women are not friends in real life. Hey, nice to meet you hi um you know i've actually i've seen you around dansville indiana before but i guess it's the first time we are officially meeting yeah your husband's on the school board right yeah and your husband's the vet yeah that, that's right. For horses. Hmm, for horses. So that's why you smell the way you do. You're funny.

I think we're going to be close. You seem kind of like a cold-hearted bitch, and I like that about you. Yeah, my friends, such that I have them, have told me that before. So, Ice Queen, what's your name? Wait, Ice Queen, I'm taking that. Can I have that? Well, I mean, you can say that I said that it was, you know. No, I'm taking it, because that's what a queen does.

Oh, honey, you are not the queen. More like the court jester. Oh, I love you. What's your name, crazy? My name's Spaghetti. Well, Marlene Spaghetti. This feels like a spaghetti western because this town ain't big enough for the two of us. Oh, I love you. Marlene, it makes sense that your husband's

a vet because your voice sounds like Droopy the motherfucking dog. Oh, you're being nasty. What was that? Marlene, I could not hear a word of what you just said, girlfriend. Wait, what's your name?

You're going to be the comedian on this season. I can already tell. You have me busting out of my seams. Honey, I'm not the one that has you busting, okay? You're so right my name oh my name oh you want to know my name it is natalie types because i'm all because i'm all types of crazy but my birth name sorry my friends tell me i have a crazy laugh i bitch i don't know why they'd say that your laugh isn't crazy it is bone chilling.

No, I love you. Your ass is my favorite. I have done nothing but be kind of mean to you. What do you have to love about me? Your whole disposition. It's kind of serving for me. But you still didn't tell me your Christian name. Oh, my Christian name? Your birth name.

I didn't know we were getting religious on this season. Of course. We're in Danville after all. Okay, well, Miss Spaghetti, my name is... Please, you can call me my name. You can call me whatever you like, but just don't call me at home. My name is Natalie Streaks. Natalie Streaks?

Yeah. That's not any more believable than your fake name. Oh, you expect me to believe Marlene Spaghetti is your Christian name? Yeah. It was originally Spaghetti-O, but Grandpa came through Ellis Island and they changed it. No, you really expect me... You know, I may look young as hell, but I was not born yesterday, Miss Spaghetti. Oh, that's perfect.

Miss Spaghetti, I'm kind of taking a liking to you. You can be my new hype woman. Hype woman? That sounds perfect. More like Natalie type woman. Stop that. What? It's cutting too close. I'm sorry. I didn't know you were sensitive like that. You told me you were all types of crazy. Can I tell you my real name, since you've basically already guessed it? What? Natalie Typewriter. No way, that's your real name.

That's my Christian name. God gave you that? What's crazy, Marlene, if i can call you marlene is that when i was born i was born natalie brown but upon my birth the whole hospital shook because a voice boomed into the maternity ward and said oh this little girl this is natalie typewriter and that's been my name ever since oh wow i really like the way god sounded in that story well doesn't god sound the same to you miss spaghetti no my god is French. He, when I was born, he boomed in and he said, mmm, you should tell y'all this little baby will be mine in spaghetti.

I thought you said that it was spaghettio. No, it was spaghettio before granddaddy came through from Ellis Island, where it was changed to spaghetti. It sounds like your family has Italian oranges. Yes, we have a huge Where it was changed to spaghetti. It sounds like your family has Italian oranges.

Yes, we have a huge one. We have a huge orange plantation. Don't you mean orchard? Right, whatever. No, very different. Please. Please what? Can you be my best friend? Let go of me, your grubby best friend. Your grubby little hands.

Please be my friend. You smell like hay. I love it. I roll around in this stuff. Okay, ladies, it's finally time to do the intros. Thank you so much for being patient. Marlene Spaghetti, you are up first. What's that?

Speaking. No, I'm looking at you. you can come on to the soundstage first yep you can come on right over here and we will do your intro just give us a couple different options you can play around with it okay i'm marlene's beginning and i'm on the ice queen it's gonna gonna fuck you perfect wait no you want an alt i i'm the one who gave her ice queen and she said to give me credit i never said that miss typewriter please do not use my christian name she and i don't even have the same god her god is french my god would never be french? My God would never be French. I want you to do your intro if you're so clever.

Fine, I will. Okay, Marlene, if you could please step out of the shot. We'll get Miss Typewriter in here. I'm Natalie, and that click-clack you hear is not just a typewriter. It is me. It is. It is me writing up all the dirt I have about Marlene. Marlene smells like hay and she's sleepy.

Stop it. That was to be fair. That was Miss Miss typewriter. That was too wordy. Yes. Could Marlene go again? Yes, but I'd like to just if we could shoot one of you out first so we don't have to keep switching up the setup i'll go great okay you'll go my name's marlene and life with me is a roll in the hay i love the stuff that was perfect we. We're going to lock that in.

That is officially okay. Great. Real Housewives of Danville. I'm going to lock that in. Marlene Spaghetti. Open. Great. Your turn, bitch.

Oh, ladies, I love it. Already getting catty. We haven't even started filming. This is great. Save it for the cameras, huh? Save it for the cameras. I'm... don't choke bitch i'm natalie and when i was born god told me i was his favorite um okay we're gonna actually try and do a different one because that was not one nobody believes that and two that kind of wasn't zingy enough.

Like, hers was like, life with me is a roll in the hay. And that's fun for Danville, so why don't we try it again? Okay. Sorry, I thought this would be fun, but it's not so. It is fun if you're clever. Ha! Okay. Alright. Here we go. We'll try this again. I'm Natalie, and

you're not. Okay. That was quippier. It was definitely less wordy, but that kind of didn't really go anywhere. Doesn't mean anything. Doesn't mean... Can she be here? She's wrapped out. She's not the director. I want to do another one, sir.

Yes, I mean, listen. She's really killing it. Oh my god, fine. My name's Marlene Spaghetti. But you could noodle around with me anytime. That one didn't make sense.

That one didn't make sense. Yeah, you did. Spaghetti's a real noodle. No, but she said, my name's this, but you can do this. There wasn't actually, she didn't say anything that would contradict that.

Okay, I'll do it again, and I'll say and, you dumbass. Fine, do it again. Okay, my name's Marlene Spaghetti, and you can noodle around inside me anytime. What'd I do? No, that's perfect, Marlene Spaghetti.

We'll keep that. She sounds like a baby. She sounds like a colicky infant. Why are you making fun of me when I'm clearly the hottest one of the season? Let me go. Let me go. No, I have you in my grasp. No, I meant let me.

Oh, can I keep holding you then? No, let go of me. You're disgusting. I'm beautiful. Did you say I'm beautiful? I'm beautiful. That's a laugh. No, not a laugh.

That's a laugh. That's a laugh. No, no, no. No. Natalie, I feel bad for you. Can I give you a creepy intro so you start making a fool of yourself? No, I can do it myself, Miss Spaghetti. I was cast on this show for a reason. Embarrassing, you know. My name's Natalie, and the only typewriter that I'm going to be clacking this season is your face. Natalie,

that doesn't mean anything. Marlene, why don't you give her a tip? No, no, I can do it. I just, there's many more noodle puns that can be made than typewriter puns. How about this? I'm Natalie. And if you come for me, you're going to get typewriter's block. And you kind of punch the camera. Typewriter's block. Or how about...

Oh, I like this guy. Extra, extra, read all about it uh i'm natalie and no that's worse um okay sorry uh how about uh what's what's black and white and red all over it's natalie typewriter that doesn't make any sense. It's like a newspaper. Yeah, right. Natalie, can I be honest? What? What, come to kick me while I'm down? No, I've been doing that. I think...

What? I think at the end of the day, your problem is that you don't love yourself. I wake up every single morning next to a gorgeous veterinarian for horses. And I roll out of bed, and I look in the mirror, and I say, Missy Spaghetti, you've done it again. And I wish that it was your life. What can we do to get you to a place where you roll out of bed and you say,

my hubby is on the school board and I'm Missy Typewriter? My name's Natalie, and I'm the teacher's pet every school year. Yeah! Oh, yeah! That was great, Natalie! How about another take? Oh, yeah, do it again. Okay, I'm feeling more confident now i'm natalie and my husband and i fuck on the teacher's desk every tuesday okay no um natalie i think we should talk my name's natalie and i fucked the principal two times last year whoa what is that that that your your husband not the principal he's not a principal. He's on the school board.

No, he's on the school board, but I still got it. You fucked the principal? Yes. You're admitting to infidelity? My name is Natalie, and the only thing hotter than infidelity is my ass. Whoa! She's crazy! Okay, Natalie, the viewers are going to love you

maybe even more than they love what they'll love Marlene. That's what I thought. No, that's not going to get carried away, Mr. Producer. Well, I mean, it's just clear that Natalie's going to be the drama

of the season. Yes, because Marlene's going to be the trade. All right, let's wrap this up, boys. Let's bring in the next two housewives. Yeah, we only do them two at a time.

Yeah. Alright, Marlene and Natalie, you are wrapped for the day. You guys can go home. Can we now bring in Christy Pastrami and Leanne Eraser. It is me and Leanne Eraser. It is me, Leanne Eraser.

Um, okay. Love that. That was a one take wonder. And Miss Pastrami, can we go from you? All right, let me just transcribe that. I'm Christine Pastrami, and this season I'm bringing all the beef. All right. Sorry, can we get another clear one from you, Miss Eraser? Who?

I'm Miss Eraser. I'm Miss Eraser. And I want a Scooby Snack. Okay. We just typed this in for subtitling. I'm Miss Eraser, and I want a Scooby Snack. Scooby. A Scooby Snack. Sorry.

All right. Let's bring in the other two ladies. You guys are good to go Okay We got Christina Appletini And Missy Potts My name is My name is Appletini And can we get your cold open? Yes, I am name is Appletini. And can we get your cold open?

Yes. I am Mrs. Appletini. I am 350 years old. Okay. It's okay. We didn't need a slate. Can we get like a cold open, like a fun little quip? Okay. My name is Mrs. Appletini, and I was there when your great-grandfather was born.

Perfect. I love darling, I miss pots. And the pot's calling the kettle sexy. Do we have a... Hey, Chris, do we got any more ladies to go? Sir, may I have an audition? Oh, uh, you're one of the PAs. Yeah, but I think I might be TV worthy.

You think you can be one of the real housewives? Oh, I think so. Sure, I guess. Why not? We're here, right? All right. Can I go? Is it rolling?

Yeah, yeah, it's rolling. Alright. My name is Oliver Twist. And this season Sir, can I have some whore? And is your name Oliver Twist? Can be for a prize, love. Okay. You're on. Hells yeah.

Should we do our last segment? I think I need a bath. I haven't taken a bath in years, but I need it. It's best. It's the best. Oh, we love. Marlene's spaghetti is my new favorite anything. I will have nightmares tonight, tragically.

Oh, Alf, what's been shaking your ass? Oh, I was really hoping I wasn't going to have to go first. What's been shaking my ass? What has been shaking my ass? I've had like actual ones the last couple of weeks. I haven't had to pull one out of my ass recently. Do you have anything pressing um

honestly what's been shaking me is like being able to dog sit this week I love these labs so much they're good boys and um our wolfhound Ruby is at the vet but she's okay but I'm just I'm watching just the labs this week and they are such good boys they've just

been sitting while I've been recording this whole time. They just want to be nearby. And I just love them a lot. How old is Max? Red and Max are both four. They're both four. Are they related? No.

Just a coincidence that they're the same age. We got them as puppies at the same time. But they're not related. No. Just a coincidence that they're the same age. Yeah. So what's been shaking you? Oh, I don't know, man.

I guess. Okay. It's spooky season, right? We all love it. We all know that it's here. There's ice cream castles everywhere. We love it. We all know that it's here. There's ice cream castles everywhere. We love it. We all know that it's here.

There's skeletons galore. And I watched the first season of an Apple TV Plus show while I had COVID. It was called Invasion. And it was much more spooky scary than i thought it was going to be it's kind of aliens vibes alien invasion vibes but i wasn't expecting it to kind of be so kind of uh spooky yuki um so it's pretty good show watch the first season might watch the second fuck around find out crazy go crazy um but yeah if you're looking for kind of a you like a little sci-fi alien spooky supernatural creepy crawly show don't talk about yourself like that you know

what show i loved did you watch midnight mass i have like two episodes left of oh i loved midnight mass i want another i have a crush on um is it it when there's the demon? It's Hamish Linklater. Yeah, but instead of that, what if it was just the demon? That's what you'd think. No, it's just the devil from the Cuphead show. Yeah, I mean, Hamish Linklater is hot. Thank you.

Yeah. Sometimes you have a normal one. And then sometimes, what was the result of the cuphead devil the billy joe armstrong poll i think it was it i think the 95 one won out how did you feel knowing that um i feel like i always do like nobody gets me yeah they don't you're weird cuphead devil does um so if you want more marlene spaghetti live in your life remember we are playing at the new york comedy festival sunday november 5th at 5 30 p.m at the little field in brooklyn with special guests ryan gall we got kylie brakeman we got 5 30 p.m on sunday, November 5th. We got Riley and Spa.

And you can get your tickets at headgum.com slash live. And then Alf and I, we have links. It's not hard to find. It's not hard to find. You know, New York Comedy Festival, Littlefield website, anything. Just look up Review Review Live NYCF. And we're going to be giving away a free bus to one lucky listener who buys a ticket we're not a free bus a city bus you can find nope alf is

you can find alfred on instagram at alfred in it you can find the show on instagram at review review reddit r slash review review uh jeff and i have a patreon and fun new stuff coming watch this space we actually have a plan now so if you want to get updated on the updates for the Patreon, patreon.com slash Riley and Jeff and the HeadGum Discord review. Riley and Jeff did the thing. Created a

Patreon. My woman, King. And you can find Riley on Instagram.com just the web browser, not the phone app, at RileyAntspa, and on Twitter.com, now known as XXXXXX.com for as long as it lasts. That's that, Riley Coyote. And as we say every single week on the show, we're always saying this on the show. We never are not saying it.

Yep. When God made me, He said. He said. Ooh. When God made me, he said ooh. We'll see you next time. Bye. Bye. That was a Hiddem Original.