Review Revue - Baby Gates

Episode Date: April 13, 2021

Reilly and Geoff read reviews about Baby Gates and discuss baby bullies, crumbs, and razzing your friends!Click here to buy tickets to Review Revue Live on 4/21 @ 6pm PT!Follow Reilly and Geoff:IG: @reillyanspaugh & @geoffreyjamesTwitter: @reilecoyote & @GeoffBoyardeeAdvertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Get that Angel Reef Special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. I'm participating in restaurants for a limited time.

You're going to like this one. Come on, babe. Why don't you leave some stars? If you refuse, I want to hear your thoughts on those English bars. If you refuse. Review, review. Oh my God. Hold on, Riley's gonna give some sass. Jeff will knock you down with his dumb truck ass. The truck is just getting relaxed and have some fun.

Review. Re-view. That's my favorite one so far. That's my absolute favorite one so far. That's my absolute favorite one so far. I am, I was dancing. Yeah, Riley, I was like, I knew she was going to love that one because it is all that jazz from Chicago.

You should have seen her face. I should have started recording the Zoom before that. That one came in from- That was incredible. Call him Deacon Giles. Deacon Giles? His name is Giles Deacon Giles. Deacon Giles? His name is Giles Deacon. Giles Deacon.

I was singing his name to Deacon Blues by Steely Dan. Thank you so much. I really, I wasn't looking forward to recording today. It's just like, oh, you know how Jeff can be. But that really, like that turned it around for me. Like that, I'm so excited now because of that and only because of that i'm like so looking forward to doing this show because that gave me the juice i need to keep going because it's like oh my god like we all know jeff we all know it's like when

he can be like oh like that you know and so that's how he was. But now I can do anything. I can deal with anything today. This is so fucked for you to say that on air. Hi, Jimmy. Hi, Riley. April 8th. You're,

are you fully vaxxed at this point or no? On the 13th, I will be two weeks past my second dose. Correct. And you will be? I will be on the, what would that be? That's Saturday, the 18th, the 17th? 17th.

17th. So things are starting to look up in Spa. Everything's coming up, Jeffrey. And you are coming home soon. You're coming home to LA. Everything's coming up, Jeffrey, including Spirit Air. You you're flying spirit it's the only direct flight man no dude but i'm back so i'm not as concerned if i wasn't vaccinated i probably would have gone united connected to chicago or sf because um there's a little bit more space but i just figured how many people

are going to be on that flight anyways? There was a study done that, like, of all the airlines, Spirit is taking the least amount of COVID per con. Really? Absolutely they are not. Well, maybe I'll wear a fucking face shield then. Absolutely wear a face shield. Woo! And all that jazz can we in addition to the big band covers can we get more musical theater covers because that really like i need that injected in my veins i want that to mix with

the vax in me and i will fly take that vax take that that vax. When you have Pfizer inside your arm, you'll get a sore arm. You might have a headache. You might have some GI tract issues. You might have a headache. Jeffrey, we have a live show coming up. We do have a live show coming up April 21st, 9 p.m. Eastern eastern 6 p.m pacific

uh tickets available at headgum.com live we've got guests i'm gonna put makeup on not now i mean for the show you leave immediately well it's not for another yeah two weeks but yeah um yeah we have george saba peter george saba uh Brakeman. And potentially one more that we cannot announce yet. But we'll see. But very exciting. Go get your tics. It's just, it's going to be a good time. But again, like, I just wanted to get that out front just because I'm really excited.

But it's like, usually, Jeff, my excitement cannot be contained by things. It's like when I'm really excited. That's not true, but yeah, go on. Hmm? Oh, cannot be contained by things. Yes. I thought you were saying that you were really good at containing your own excitement which is not no i'm really i wear my heart in my sleeve i can't hide emotion i feel too much i feel too much i

feel too big i feel too often it's horrible parallelism you know what can contain things sometimes the container store part two let's talk about it baby gates not to be confused by adult gates which is more things like water day yeah yeah uh etc etc just the one deflate gate but no we're talking gates of the baby variety as in i don't want little tommy getting into the master bedroom when he's not wanted no little tyke is going to get in the garage when i'm fixing up my bike that's exactly right jeff do you have any experience with baby gates that you can either remember from you being a baby or have you had to use them in other areas of your life i think i had to well no i used it with a dog my my childhood dog we used it uh when we would have an event or something or somebody like little kids were around because he was kind of big

he was the sweetest but he would scare them so um we would put a baby gate on the laundry room and just kind of that would be his kind of room for the day. Was he able to ever like jump over it or get past it? I don't think he ever tried. He was just like so chill and he didn't care. I really miss him. Oh, I'm sorry. I know.

Yeah. He was like my best friend for a bit. Yeah. It was hard, you know, when we had to put it down. My mom would put baby gates up for me so I wouldn't go into my childhood dog's area and try and eat her food.

I'm going to ask you again when I'm editing this if you want me to keep that in, because that's tragic. You ate dog food as a kid. I tried to. You did. I didn't. And it was wet.

It was the wet kind. It was the canned. It was the canned. I tried to. You did. I didn't. And it was wet. It was the wet kind. It was the canned. I tried to sneak in there because I thought it's like one of my favorite games to play when I was little. I'm like, I'm a dog. And so my childhood dog's name was Ruby. And so I would try and sneak into Ruby's area, try and climb over the gate or get past the gate. And there was a time, the famous story in my family of my mom catching, or I don't know if it was my mom,

but someone catching me in Ruby's area and like holding kibble in my hands. Oh my God. And then being like, Riley, what are you doing? And my eyes go wide. And I just, I go, I dancing. And I just started to dance. So, Baby Gates, right?

Baby Gates. Oh, my God. When I suggested last night. That's a scene we would do Last night we were texting what things we should do today And I just thought of Baby Gates for no reason Other than they were just on the brain I thought you pitched this for

Lamorne and Billy and I was hoping they would choose it And then they didn't Did I? I don't know I think it was on our list Because I remember thinking we should do that at some point Well and here we are So Mephri. Yeah.

Would you like to start us off with a Baby Gate review? All right. So, this is one star of the Regalo 2-in-1 Stairway and Hallway Mount Baby Gate from Jordan. Want to give them a last name? Hold on. So, just to clarify, because a lot of these gates, I have some that look really, really different. Does this look like your run-of-the-mill baby gate? Yeah, it's like white plastic or white cheap metal, and it attaches to the stairwell.

Okay. This is from Jordan? Yeah. Jordan Gleefoil. Jordan Gleefoil writes, This gate is very hard to maneuver. We installed it per the directions at the bottom of the staircase and because of the way it sits on the banister it doesn't line up right you have to line up the little latches on both the top and the bottom in order to latch which

is impossible to do one-handed it would be a great idea if there were only one connection to make it latch but having it line up at the top and bottom simultaneously makes it impossible to operate the only pro is that the whole gate swings so you don't have to try and step over anything but latching is just too difficult for me this is an adult man and he's bested by a baby gate i also love like he over explains why it's difficult for him but it's like it doesn't matter you're still being bested by a childproof game it reminds me have you seen who framed roger rabbit no damn it really yeah oh it's so good anyway there's a whole sequence it's like there's a bit of roger rabbit and he's like supposed to babysit this

baby and then it's like you know in the world of this cartoon it's like the baby's really really cute and it's just getting it it's's like Roger realizes that the baby's gone and it's in the kitchen. And it's like trying to get to a cookie jar at the top of these shelves. And of course it's like, it's not, it's so precarious. It's knocking over knives, like everything like that, like turning on burners.

And then when they're not filming that baby scene, they're like, okay, cut. And the baby is just like, he's like, you know, Robert De Niro and he like gets in his crib, like takes out a cigar. And like, he's like, you know, Robert De Niro. And he like gets in his crib, like takes out a cigar. And like, it's also self-aware. But it's like, it reminds me of like that kind of moment where it's like the adult is bested by the gate and they just see like the little baby on the other side.

Like doing these things. But it's like, it's like the baby's on the other side, like trying to commit like fucking credit card fraud or something honey honey yeah yeah i know you're at work but um something's happened is is is ethan okay ethan's okay ethan's okay uh our finances are not i was bested by a baby gate i am locked upstairs. Oh my God, Sam, just step over the gate and go get him. What's happening? Is he hurt? What's going on? No, it's not the baby gate you and I bought. He built a wrought iron gate on the master bedroom

door. And I don't know how he did it, but it's beautiful iron work. He clearly has been someone's apprentice or something. And I hear him in the other room and he's making backroom deals to somehow make a short sale of the house. Sam, April Fool's was last week. I don't have time for this. I'm really, really busy. Just go take care of him, please. I'll be home in a couple hours. I really don't have time for this. I don't have time for it either. I'm supposed to be at work too. We were supposed to hand him off to the fucking daycare. I wake up two hours after you, after you left, obviously, because I have a little bit more of a flexible work schedule than you okay I know get to the point yes open our bedroom door and it's a

wrought iron gate and there's a fucking sign built into the iron and it says who's baby now you know what Sam I love you but you did take a little bit too much Ambien last night before you went to bed. And so, like, this might be one of your, just go back to sleep. I'm about to deliver a baby right now at the hospital. So you go deal with this and just call me if there's actually a problem. All right? I'll see you later. All right.

He calls her up again an hour later. What? calls her up again to an hour later what so he sold the car uh replaced it with a stretch limousine and is now appearing to start his own business uh he filed an llc and he's a chauffeur i don't know what to do yeah and he's doing the baby voice now but i swear to god before i called you he was talking in full sentences i think our baby's a fucking psychopath i hear him right there he's trying like he wants to be picked up by you what are you why are you doing this what is the point of you making all this oh now you're crying now you're crying go take care i can't be there to watch him all the time you need i i don't know what's gotten into you today the ambien

clearly hasn't worn off but go i'll tell you what got into me. Breast milk got into my gut. Jesus Christ, Sam. That's the only thing he let me eat. He gave me his bottle that you had set aside in the fridge, and he made a steak lunch. He had a ribeye. During all this, the baby is constructing a hamster water drip feeder to go into the bedroom, but it's filled with human milk.

Oh, that's very nice. That's really charming coming from a baby of your advanced months. Stop, don't talk to our son like that. This isn't our son. This isn't the same Ethan you saw last night. I don't know what got into him. You should be asking what got into him.

The baby takes off a butter knife, puts it through the gate and up to your throat. Dada. Sweetie! What? He has a knife to my fucking throat! It's a butter knife, but I'm still scared! You know what seeing is relieving. If you don't FaceTime me right now,

the baby widens his eyes, shakes his head, puts the butter knife a little bit deeper into your neck. I have to call you back later. The baby nods his head. Dada. You coward.

Okay, you know what? I'm turning my phone off for the rest of the day. I can't deal with this. I'll be home. Bye. Puts the knife away. Takes out his cigarette. Oh, no.

Takes out a little match. He lights it against his facial hair. No, that should not be possible. Oh, no. It takes out a little match. He lights it against his facial hair. No, that should not be possible. What do you want to know, dada? How long have you been able to talk, you little rascal? You fiend. The entire time.

You stupid putz. You fell right into my little grabby paws. Why this? Why now? Why are you an ironsmith and a chauffeur? What weird professions you've chosen. I'm a jack of all trades. I figure if I can't start now

then I'm never gonna get to it. And you're just a small pea-brained little man. I figure if I could get Dada on my side it'd be just as easy to knock over when the time comes, then me and Mama can make a break for it. Leave you and start our own lives.

Why? Even if you're this way, even if you're like a prodigy, why not just have a dad as well? I don't like you very much. It's not even like you're a bad dad. You just suck, man. You're just a sad guy. Why would I want you as a father figure?

Yeah, wow. This is the saddest day of my life. I don't really know what else to say. I mean, you're kind of right. I kind of fell into the profession. I was an analyst in my 20s made a lot of money but i wasn't passionate about it drink the milk i am i am lapsing a weak little boy that's what you are no you're a little boy i think you're a little boy no matter how much you smoke or own and assets. Takes out the butter knife, taps the sign. You are baby. Now you

say it. You're baby. No, you say I'm baby. No, you said to tell, you told me to say you're baby. That's the exact words you used. I just did exactly what you said. You said you're baby. Say that. I said you're baby. Now you're mad? Cut to the dad is now in an oversized diaper.

On the bed. Say it it this is so fucked say it and the weirdest part is that i'm on the other side of these locked in iron bars which means that i put this on myself i'm your father but you're also a former analyst honey honey i honey yeah yeah oh now he's crying oh my god what are you what the house is a complete mess sam what the hell is wrong with you he could have hurt himself you didn't believe his ear why are you mad at me clearly he did this baby's reaching to be picked up don't pick him up you don't know what he's capable of do you not smell do you not smell that he was smoking all day he was chain smoking marlboro's thrown all the cigarettes into the bedroom. They're all scattered around you.

Jesus, Sam. Me? You know what? I should have known. An analyst like you would never make a good father. Are you kidding? Ethan and I are leaving. I walk away.

The baby's turn facing you. Gives you the finger. You piece of shit. I'm going to get you back, Ethan. I'm going to get you back, man! Rattling the fucking cages in a diaper. He clearly looks like he's in a crib. Should we take a break?

Yeah. And we're back. Riley, do you want to do our second review? I think I will. Five stars. This is for Summer Modern Home Decorative Walkthrough Baby Gate Metal with Bronze Finish. Decorative Arch Doorway, 30 inches tall. Fits opening up to 28 inches and 42 inches wide baby and pet gate for doors and stairways um so basically this gate

it's it's a baby gate but it looks like i'm just gonna text it to you the the photo is pretty special because it looks like a quote-unquote. Oh no. It's just the promo photo they use is so well. I'll put this on the Instagram. It's just. Oh no. This is so bad. It's so bad. It's like if you want a gate that looks nice,

but it doesn't look nice. Right, yeah. This is awful. This is five stars from Kim S. Salt. Kim Saltine. yeah this is awful this is five stars from kim s salt kim salt saltine kim saltine okay the title fantastic gate to stop the crumb monsters this is just the gate i needed you see i have a little army of minions i birthed into this world and they seem to make a habit of using one of my biggest issues against me. You see how some people feel about spiders and snakes? I feel about crumbs.

Don't get me wrong, it isn't mess. It's the feeling of crumbs, and thus seeing them and thinking about feeling them. We just moved, and to help keep the little ones from crumbing the whole house, we put this baby gate up in the dining room. Of course, the older kids can open it as intended, but that means they have to think about taking food out of the kitchen, through the dining room where it should be eaten in, and into the rest of the house. They should think, holy crap, mom will freak if she catches me and turn back before it's

too late. Hopefully. The gate will also keep the youngest crumb monster in the dining room to eat her meals and snacks as she is no longer confined to a high chair. Though honestly, that just gave her a high vantage point to launch her crumbs far and wide. So far, Baby can't get past the gate. It was easy to install and not hard to figure out for older people. Baby, whenever possible, opens the gate as far as it will go to make sure it doesn't self-close.

This is just fine when there isn't food on the dining room table, as there is another baby gate between the dining room and kitchen. I'm going to replace that one with another one of these, as the old one has to be climbed over, and while this mama needs a workout, it can be a pain when trying to carry food out of the kitchen into the dining room. Point being, this gate is helping me so much. I love how it looks and I'm getting at least one more of them. Yeah, so look, we invited you to the staffing meeting because we loved your sample pilot. Obviously, we're the EPs of Modern Family. Yeah. And you just soft pitched us that idea,

which it just doesn't make a lot of sense within the tone of the show. Why would Phil be be suddenly his whole personality almost being that he's anti-crumb and then the fact that he puts a baby gates in every doorway it just doesn't seem like i mean they're kids and at this point in the show they're all grown they're not babies even though it's a sitcom right and everyone has their standard personalities it's like oh this is totally what claire would do oh my god i'll react like this it's like they're also able to change and so i think that's what's really important it's like oh this is totally what claire would do oh my god i would react like this it's like they're also able to change and so i think that's what's really important it's like you're able to develop over time different hopes different dreams different fears different goals show up

and so for phil to develop something um like a crumb aversion i think would be something that is totally in line with with the kind of guy he is and if it's not then it's like who's to say he can't grow and change into interfering you know those little crumb monsters right no i totally agree with you like it's arcs are so important in keeping the show interesting and keeping the viewership which obviously we've done fears developing fears is is an interesting one definitely you know developing new relationships different conflict yeah fears if it's fear it should be more like fear of failure or fear of his kids growing up it shouldn't be fear of food droppings i just don't understand i mean it's like listen paul do you have any other changing it's chuck but yeah but can i call you paul yeah fine call me paul uh those fears like the kids growing up empty nester's his purpose? We've seen that all before.

We see it everywhere. Because it works. It's like we can't get enough of it. Because it's a universal experience. We get it, we get it, we get it, we get it. Who's going to tell the crumb monster story if not us? All right. We'll think about that one.

Probably not going to use it. Do you have any other ideas for characters? Ideally in line with the characters' motifs. Absolutely, absolutely, absolutely. So Jay, take Jay. You know, he's the main Grandpa Jay. He's the patriarch. He's kind of an overseer.

Little old school, little hard knocks. That's exactly. He's a little old school, little hard knocks. He cannot stand the sight, the mention of a SodaStream. Bubbles in his water? I don't think so. And so I think that's going to be really interesting to explore. Sorry, I see that you brought note cards.

On that note card, it says, bubbles in soda are the crumbs of liquid. You beat me to it. And that's not just because you saw the note card. I think you got it, that it's like bubbles in soda. It was almost solely because of the note card. Bubbles are the crumbs of water. Right.

And so the men in this family, it's like they either want the whole thing or none of it. They're not going to take crumbs. They're not going to settle for anything less than the whole deal. You're making it so much bigger than what it is. Jay sells closet systems. We loved your sample and there was no mention of crumbs in it. So I'm just, we're shocked at how this meeting's been going. Oh, I get it.

I get it. You love the sample because it was kind of, it was really diving into the relationship between Jay and Phil of like father-in-law and son-in-law and, you know, how, what they want the best for their families. But sometimes that doesn't always line up with what they want as individuals and they're going to have to learn to let go. Right. We can put that in the crumb bubble stories there it is we can absolutely tie those in because phil's little rugrats they're in college they're in high school they're they are eating

food they're dropping crumbs and that reminds phil that it's like oh my kids are tiptoeing into the woods of the unknown and like hansel and gretel who i mentioned before they're dropping little crumbs along the way and that's terrifying to me and jay sees that and he's like i feel the loss of of my family i feel it falling apart i feel the residue like bubbles in my water like just rising to the top of the roof of my mouth and stinging it oh oh oh and it hurts in his heart and in his mouth uh i don't know about any of that uh you have one more note card. I guess just like due diligence. Let's just hear it out. Gloria loves labeling things now. Gloria got a labeler.

Who is your agent? I'm independent. You're not allowed back. Yeah, okay. Then I don't know who scheduled this. I don't know how I read your shit. Claire loves hoop earrings. Get out of my office.

Okay. All right. I got a review of the same one. The Regalo 1 and two hallway stairway mounted baby okay this is one this is one star from mr davis okay i'm not gonna change it no because his first name is mr oh it's actually mr mr davis mr mr davis one star if you want your baby to die buy this and rely on it. Oh my god! The swinging hinge is plastic glued to metal.

Clearly this won't stand the test of time. My plastic hinge disconnected from the gate while my son was holding onto it at the top of the stairs and he almost fell down the entire flight. My son is one and can barely walk. I don't think you understand the shriek that came out of his mother's mouth when she saw him hanging on for dear life while the broken gate was open, hanging over the stairs.

I would have sued this company if my son fell. The product is not safe. Do not purchase. This reminded me of like, instead of it's like a literal baby, it's like you want to, it's almost like Mr. and Mrs. Smith is like, you want to kill your baby well this is the way to do it and it's like just this couple trying like different devices to murder each other it's like those uh those

fridges that have the water dispensers like one of the the husband walks downstairs in the middle of the night like groggy eyed puts his thing down and just like absolute bleach comes down. Michelle, are you trying to kill me again? Sorry, I'm asleep. I was asleep. No, you weren't. You were trying to kill me with bleach. Oh, what's that smell?

You were trying to kill me. That's bleach. You were trying to kill me with bleach. It's not going to get me, but nice try. I love you. I love you. I'll get you one of these days. I'll get you. I'll get you back for this, by the way. I'll get you back for this. I know. I know. not gonna get me but nice try i love you i love you i'll get you one of these days i'll get you back for this by the way i'll get you back i know i know don't get me i go in the

bathroom the next morning open the medicine cabinet to you know get a brush whatever a bowling ball is on top of the cabinet as soon as i open it it starts to fall i catch it oh wow that was good that was good hey Matthew yeah sorry yeah I was just on the computer I roll it into the computer room damn it no it was so

damn it damn it yeah I know that was good that almost bashed my head in. It was close. It was really close. I caught it just centimeters above my skull. Absolute centimeters above my skull. I'm going to get you one of these days.

Hey, I'm going to get you back today. I'm not going to tell you when, but it'll absolutely be today. That's terrifying. I love you so much. I'm going to murder you today. Yeah, I love you so much. I love you so much. I'll see you later.

Cut to me in bed later that night. I'm like sleeping murder you today. Yeah, I love you so much. I love you so much. I'll see you later. Cut to me in bed later that night. I'm like sleeping on my stomach. I roll over to my side at the very last second before like a buzzsaw comes up through the mattress. And it would have gotten me if I hadn't rolled over to my side. Whoa, what is that? Oh, Michelle. You have the controller in your hand. Did that not get you?

It didn't even get me I think it might have scraped my back hair So thanks for the shave No I would have loved to shave years off your life I'm gonna flatten you I love you so much I love you so much Cut to her walking out to her car the next day

I'm in a steamroller Uh oh I jump out at the last second to her car the next day. I'm in a steamroller. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. I jumped out at the last second. Yay! You know what? If you had been a little faster, if you'd been a little faster.

I know, it's just the steamroller. It's so heavy. It's so slow. It's so heavy. It's so big. I just come up right, I come up close to you and I take out a switchblade.

We could end this right here right now. I thought we were best friends and we were doing like a mr and mrs smith role play for sex you actually want to come this is a role play for sex yeah i want to fucking kill you what do you why would i put bleach in your drink why would i try and put a buzzsaw in the bed you tried to kill me with a bowling ball you're just trying to run me over with a steamroller you thought this is a fucking game i thought it was bdsm i thought it was yeah i put it away well now i feel terrible no now i feel like no god i'm so embarrassed i'm so embarrassed i should have

taught i mean like now it's just like i shouldn't have even tried to like spice things up in the bedroom if you want me to spice things up but it's like i wanted i wanted to take your life i really did just want i wanted to end it all for you i wanted to be to be curtains for you i wanted you to not breathe anymore like now looking back on it makes total sense because you did yeah try to kill me with a buzzsaw yeah in bed which is where we could have just had the sex uh it's i feel dumb i'm really i'm embarrassed i don't really know what to say don't feel dumb i you know what let's just let's just pretend like it didn't happen right all right just go back to being us okay all right let's do that as i step out of the steamroller i walk into your switchblade

that was an accident that was an accident or was it i've never been so turned on you look down where i was stabbed it was directly into my full erection i got you and i got some um do we want to do one more or this is again for the weird fancy gate these are just uh letters and numbers so you make up a name let's go salt let's go dalton zinc dalton zinc okay five stars and guess what he's deficient in i think i I know. Let's say it together. Three, two, one. Zinc. Vitamin D12. God damn it. Okay, the title.

It's five stars. The title is Three Super Bummed Dogs. Dogs is all caps. I couldn't wait to write a review for this gate. Easy. I put it in my living room slash kitchen entrance. Great color and design to not look awkward, but it's a super cute design. My dogs, all caps, HATE IT.

My cats think it's cool because they can still squeeze through, which is perfect. It's not easy to open, but it's a pull-up squeeze lever type, which I love because it keeps the kids I babysit guessing. Smiley face. So sturdy. I have three huge dogs, two German Shepherds, 100 pounds, that couldn't budget and are super pissed after the install, cry laughing emoji. I love it. No complaints.

Settle down. Don't babysit kids is my second piece of advice you're applying to be a foster at a dog rescue so uh if there's any other information that i can provide just let me know i'd love to yeah i guess just in terms of the safety of your house uh i saw that you have a split level home um and so just in terms of stairs we just want to make sure that, you know, our animals will be safe and they wouldn't get into any trouble. No trouble.

I will say that the way that I connect with like people I love and, you know, by extension dogs that I love is razzing is razzing. So I like when I'm out with my buddies, I'll, I'll like insult my best friend but he knows it's all in good fun so like that's how we connect so with the dogs what i might have to do is like put the baby gates up that i do have um for safety hey you do have baby gates for safety but in

kind of weird and wacky places every day like switch it up on them so they're kind of like oh what what i mean that's kind of funny to them it's sorry i only mean to laugh because the voice you did for the dog was so that's the voice we do for them but i'm a dog guy you know and that's why you are what it's funny to them it seems like it could be a little stressful a little distressing for their environment already a new place so suddenly it's already a new environment. So why would you want to make it more stressful for them is my question. Well, like I said,

you could make the same argument of like, why would I make fun of some of my best friends, but they know it's all in good fun. And like, it is how we connect. So that's how I'm going to connect with the public. After, after work drinks with your friends.

Guys, I'm so sorry about how that presentation went. I just, I just got so nervous. My mouth just went so dry. I know. And then and then you you you coughed water all over your papers no i know it was so embarrassing it was so embarrassing it was yeah hey i reparked your car when you went to go get a drink what what yeah i moved it like eight blocks away that's so far what damien what it's a joke man how long have we known each other you know i'm this way don't say it like that i know you're that way i dude i had foot surgery

like last week i've been in a boot all week and you move my car eight blocks away when i have a temporary handicap sticker i don't think you have a boot anymore so it shouldn't be much of an issue you look under the table it's a party hat how how did you do that while you were getting the drink i was also removing the boot dude we invited you out as like a let's try one more time to see if Damien can just like be a nice fucking guy and like I don't know why we bother with you you're it's like for no reason these aren't fun pranks why don't you try telling that to Peter over here hey Peter yeah uh look at your driver's license holy shit it's an entirely different state how did you do that i changed your place of legal residence that's so

dude you fucking got me right we got me no peter that's illegal no no that's why it's so good that's why this guy's the master he just like loves a hygiene that's so good it's so friendship it's so friendship great then you and peter go be friends yeah you and peter go be friends we're not inviting you out for after work drinks with us ever again okay you know what evelyn i think you're gonna be singing a different tune when you find out that the cupcake you had at lunch was made of metal. Shavings. She starts throwing up blood. Oh my God, Evelyn.

Evelyn threw the blood. She got me. I got her. We dabbed both several times. No. This is you almost. That's a felony, I think, what you did to Peter. And you almost killed Evelyn.

For what? A joke? I think it's all going to be worth it, man. Look at your dick. Pull your waistband out. Look how different it looks. It's huge. Oh, my God.

Yeah. You know that boot that you had? You know that the surgery you had to have on the foot? Yeah. Where they had to remove a little bit of flesh? I had them added to your phallus. And that's what friendship's all about. When did you do this? I just went to the bathroom like five minutes ago.

And everything looked fine. Say it with me now. In between moving the car and moving the boot. Oh, shit. You know what? I'm late for an appointment. I have to go foster some dogs. Wait.

Thanks. Talking about making his dick bigger. Hey, what you did back there? I thought that was really cool. Comes over to his house. Well, he's like a change of the gates the dogs are going insane they can't settle they're so scared hey wait sorry i had to go get my car and then come all the way here and my foot is just killing me yeah and walking must be a little bit slower walking i mean it's just it's a it's a mammoth down there i just wanted to say what you did back there.

Not just the car, not just the boot, but the dick. That was really cool. It's nothing you wouldn't do for me. As soon as he's saying spank you, one of these hundred pound German shepherds just rips the dick off out of anxiety. I could never have seen this! This shook me all week long! Oh, that was interesting.

It started as a voice crack, I'm going to be honest, and then I just went with it. No, you saved it. Neffy, what shook you? You said that you had one before we started recording you're like oh i'll save it for my what shook me because tonight i'm gonna party like it's 2020 eyes what i'm getting a lasik consultation in a week oh my god every i mean i have famously dry eyes. Famously dry eyes. Which wouldn't be so bad because a lot of people have dry eyes and it's not that bad.

But for me, it results in redness. So I just look like high all the time. Yeah. And I'm self-conscious about it, if I'm being honest. No, it's like, and they look really bad. Is that? They look, it's like, oof, woof. Oh my god, he left.

Oh my God, he seriously fucking left. I bet he's getting a prop or something right now. I bet he's getting, I'm trying to imagine what he's going to grab, like what he's going to show up with when he turns his camera back on. He was playing with the pipe while we were doing improv. I want everyone to know that. He absolutely with the pipe while we were doing improv i want everyone to know that um he absolutely had the pipe uh and if you listen to the head gun podcast this week you'll know that that's like that's a strike against him for using prop comedy um in place of actual

confrontation and communication um so i guess we'll just have to wait and see if he's gonna get changed if he's going to put on different glasses, if he's going to put eye drops in. Sorry, I just had to channel the Mamba mentality. So there it is. Jeff, did you hear anything I said? I didn't hear anything you just said. I had to take my headphones off. That's great.

You'll hear it later. So I just want everyone to know that I was right, and it is a visual comedy thing he put on a lakers jersey i put a kobe bryant jersey on because it's the mamba mentality to basically move forward from that one-off that aside that joke that you made in air quotes uh i have to just kind of be mamba about it i'm very excited for your lasik consultation i'm getting i was a candidate in december 2019 which is when i was gonna get it initially but then I couldn't because of work. So I do think I'm going to be a candidate and I do think it's going to actually be a huge solve for my chronic dry eye issues because I won't have to wear my contacts. And also just secondarily being able to wake up and see is going to be amazing for me. That's going to be very exciting for you.

Hold on. There's a fucking fly. Am I going to get it right now? Fuck you. I got it. And Riley will of course drive me to the appointment and refill my water glass when I'm like healing for the first 24 hours. It'll be waiting on me.

Or it'll be your roommate George Saba. It'll be you. It'll be you for sure. And I'm wondering if I get to have the house for the year. If you get to have my house? For the year. Yeah. Just while I recover.

No, I don't think so. What's shaking me? Oh no. The spider bite's still here yeah it really does look like i've been punched in the face it kind of does and it's it's looking a lot better but my god it is so frustrating and i um what's really cute and chic about me is that i'm a hypochondriac and so of of course, last night I'm looking up, like I opened up an incognito window and I'm like spider bite on face,

never heal question mark. And then it's like, and then it was like, it was like spider bite near eye question mark. And there were all these things about, it's like, you could potentially go blind in one eye. And I'm like,

huh? Cure blindness question mark. Oh my God. It was tough. So then I watched an episode of Ted Lasso, iced my face, went to bed, woke up. It's a little less red. Didn't mean it to rhyme, but here we are.

Well, you can follow Riley on Instagram, at Riley Anspa, on Twitter, at Riley Coyote, and the show on Instagram, at Review Review, and the show on Twitter, at Review, oh my God. Don't follow the show on Twitter. We Coyote and the show on Instagram at review, review and the show on Twitter at review, review. Oh my God. Don't follow the show on Twitter. We don't use it. You can find Jeff on Instagram at Jeffrey James and on Twitter at Jeff Boyardee.

Should we read a five-star review from Apple podcast? Yes. A great idea. This one is the most recent one from Jack Bertolome. I'm sorry. Bertolome, which sounds like a deli meat. It's five stars. Riley was absolutely on fire

in the Container Store episode. I'd be dying. Jeff was also there. Oh my God, that's the nicest review. You know what? Let's get more of those rolling in. That's like, oh my God.

You guys, that's so nice. We've so appreciated. Not really. It's pretty mean to me. You were there. He didn't even have the courtesy to write a full roast of me, like several sentences about why I was bad. He just said I was there.

He didn't say you were bad. He said you were there. That's worse. I'd rather him feel something towards me. It's like when somebody says, hey man, do you not like me? And they're like, I don't think about you. Yeah, you were you were also there no don't take that tone with me because it's so condescending i don't want that i don't want that from anyone i'd rather not do what i'd rather be an analyst i'd rather work in finance than have that tone taken with me you were also recording

that's huge that's like uh professor mcgonagall to harry potter if he wasn't that good of a wizard but still the chosen one no harry you are a wizard i know but i was supposed to be the fucking chosen one i can't even do expelliarmus but you you can hold a wand you're here that's true i mean let me try it he tries to hold the wand drops it you are in the classroom you made it you're here. You're standing. My legs are tired, though. I was actually about to sit.

You can take a seat. You're still here. Sits down, chair breaks. You are in the room with me. Should we thank some VI podcasts? Yes. Thank you to a real diva coach, Hut Hut High. Aaron Carrico. Adam Shea.

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y'all were wiling out this week I love the energy though it makes it more fun to read thank you thank you all so much for being patrons at the highest tier

if you have any interest in subscribing to more of Jeff and Maya's comedy content you can go to patreon.com riley and jeff and uh if not that's also fine we'll see you guys next week until then let me

leave you guys off of the platitude all things must pass i really do think that i think that all things must pass and that things are gonna end up being just fine you're sitting in a closet in a lakers jersey. Really? Yeah. Arrivederci! That was a Hiddem Original.