Review Revue - Barnes & Noble

Episode Date: March 10, 2020

Reilly and Geoff discuss America’s favorite bookseller, middle school dates, and diaper-wearing history buffs.Be sure to give the show a 5-star review on Apple Podcasts, and include your pitch for an episode idea! Maybe we’ll choose yours for a future episode, or we won't!Follow Reilly and Geoff:IG: @reillyanspaugh & @iamgeoffreyjamesTwitter: @reilecoyote & @dontplaynojamesSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Get that Angel Reef special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? At participating restaurants for a limited time. You make me want to go out and steal. I just want to review. I was gonna fade it out but let's keep it where it's

I just wanna fuck it is Tuesday January 14th 2020 vision can you even believe it can you even believe it i was thinking about this the other day i was like when are we gonna it's so getting ahead of myself but we now know that the official release is two weeks from today that's exciting that's exciting super stoked but this episode will come out, what, March? Maybe. If that. If that. So, like, when are we

going to hit 100? This is episode 8. When are we going to hit 100? Two years, right? Unless we do some bonus episodes. I don't know, man. We haven't even... When you said this is me getting ahead of myself, I didn't expect it to be... When are we going to hit 100 eps and 1 million listens a month?

No, no, no. It's not about tracking our progress. It's more like it'll be 2022 when we hit 100 apps. Whoa. You just threw up. I did. Holy shit.

I did. I'm really excited for us to finally launch. We were talking about something before we recorded and you said save it for the pod, so I'm just going to ask you now. Well, right now, Jeff and I are splitting a bag of gummy bears right now,

which made me think, I'm like, oh, such a small, hard-ish snack. There was once a time, I asked Jeff before we started, I'm like, what was the one small food that you threw at me and kept throwing at me and then it hit my eye and then you felt bad and you stopped? And we just sat there thinking, and Jeff goes, well, it had to be bite-sized. We know that.

Oh. What was it? It was kumquats. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Because we were on set for Mia Weinberger's Bible Writers Room web series. And you were throwing kumquats at me from across the room. So what had happened was my character was tasked with eating kumquats

only once or twice in the actual show. But that means on the day, two days shoot, I had to eat like probably 80 kumquats. Well, Jeff says he had to. In between takes, Jeff is continually eating kumquats for the whole day to the point where it's like, okay, now PD, production staff, we have to keep eating kumquats for the whole day to the point

where it's like okay now pd practice that we have to keep adding kumquats to the bowl i'm sorry that i'm method no it's fine it's just later in the day you not only threw them hit me near the eye and then felt bad you also felt ill and you're like i don't feel good i'm like why you're like probably all the kumquats that i ate the first end of the first day, I had a bad stomach ache that lasted through the night. I didn't sleep comfortably. Probably from like 70 plus kumquats. Well, because when you eat a kumquat, it's like you're eating the rind.

I know. That's why I don't like them. Really? It's like eating a ball of perfume. Well, okay. They weren't the best kumquats. No offense to whoever did PD. Yeah. This is shots fired for some reason. Sorry, what are you doing? I'm pulling out my computer for the reviews because I forgot.

You're already bored? No. Oh, also, this is a little time capsule thing, but yesterday the Oscar noms came out. Florence Pugh. Florence who? Pugh, my queen, my wife, my life. I was walking into the office because it's nighttime right now. And Riley and I both pulled up at the same time.

The first thing she says to me is that I think Florence Pugh and I would be friends. But then also if she ended up professing her feelings for me, romantic or otherwise, I would accept it. And I'd say I felt the same way, Florence. Also, even before that, I said that today was the day I learned that Florence Pugh and Zach Braff are in a relationship. Right. Zach Braff of, God, what was his podcast? No, the podcast show. He had a podcast? He had a show about a podcast network that didn't go past a season.

Nick Rad on the company Slack used to talk about it all the time. That's very funny. So, Jeffrey, what are we reviewing tonight? Let's just say I'm a bit of a reader. Okay. Mine? I'm a Kindle of myself. Oh, my God. Oh, Jeffrey, what are we reviewing tonight? Let's just say I'm a bit of a reader. Okay. Mine? I'm a Kindle of myself. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Like a name of book. Pride and Prejudice. Hmm? Okay. You don't read. We are talking and reviewing about... Say it with me.

Barnes. Barnes. Small town book stores. Exactly. Supporting local business. Supporting local business. Supporting local business. We are reviewing the monolith. Barnes and Noble.

Barnes and Noble. The Walmart of small mart. Books and all. Books in nooks with crooks. So what are you saying? You're saying Barnes and Noble has a lot of books, but a lot of reading nooks. And there are criminals. Criminals there.

Not the case. A lot of middle- but a lot of reading nooks. And there are criminals. Criminals there. Not the case. A lot of middle-aged tourists. Tourists. Tourists. Any memories of Barnes & Noble that pop up for you? And I know there are plenty. Don't even get me started on Barnes & Noble. Don't even get me started.

What? But you first. Come on. Well, I mean, I'm going to eventually get you started. Don't get me started. Why are you saying like that like we'll never leave if i if you get me started on barnes and noble now we have to know what's the story come on man you first all right i used to go to barnes and noble to get

some books for school middle school high school college not college what there's a usc bookstore yeah but that's also it's usually like a barnes and Noble for college. Wrong. It was just the USC bookstore. It wasn't a Barnes & Noble? I don't think so. The BU bookstore was a Barnes & Noble. So you think because BU had a Barnes & Noble bookstore that every major college has a- A lot of colleges have like, they have a Barnes & Noble that also sells like paraphernalia for that college. Bongs and all.

Yeah. UCLA doesn't have one. Middlebury College doesn't have one. I don't give a fuck what Middlebury College has holy shit I flipped a table I do think Yale has one though I'm just going through the schools that I've been to

I haven't been to a lot of them Jeff has attended USC, Yale, and Middlebury College I attended Yale's information session nice, me too Barnes and Noble was the hot spot I attended Yale's information session. Nice. Me too. Really?

Barnes & Noble. Barnes & Noble was the hot spot for dates. Yeah. Yeah. So for you. Like middle school dates. What was your local Barnes & Noble? Thousand Oaks or some shit?

Yeah, in Westlake. It is around where I went to high school. And so Westlake, it's kind of like the equivalent the commons or any kind of like mall area place. These are middle school dates, right? Middle school dates where it would be like walking around, hanging out in the Barnes and Noble. Name names. Um, And who is your high school

crush? Sorry, who is your middle school crush? Sorry, middle school, I would go probably to the bookstore with, you could catch me in there with, all these middle school crush would go probably to the bookstore with you could catch me in there with all these middle school crushes it would and all it would be would just be like standing around in barnes and noble yeah maybe getting like a chai from the barnes and noble cafe yeah and truly just like not knowing what to do because i'm not not going to buy a book with you. But I'm also not going to kiss because I'm nervous.

So this is seventh grade, right? This is probably like seventh grade. Like my mom's like, you can hang out with a boy. In a controlled environment. In a controlled environment filled with books and middle-aged tourists. Things that are good for you. Yeah. Like books and middle-aged tourists. It would be me standing there not knowing what to say to a boy being like, science class.

Okay, yeah. So let's do this. Yeah, okay. I'm so happy that our moms were late picking us up so we could walk over here and hang out. Yeah, it's like the...

Hmm? Hmm? What'd you say? No, it's like, I love hanging out with you and there's like a fountain. It's nice that we're, nice fountain.

Probably, it looks a little dirty but it's really like well made. So who do you like? What? Oh. I was saying the, yeah, the fountain, you dirty, but it's really well made. So who do you like? What? Oh. I was saying, yeah, the fountain. You said it was well made? Yeah.

I said, who do you like? Who do I like-like? Well, like friends and like-like. I like like Christy and Jackie and Molly. I mean, like I have a crush. Me too. It's Molly. I mean, like, I have a crush. Me too. It's Molly. Oh, really?

Yeah. So you're friends with her? I didn't know you guys hung out. Could you, like, tell her? Could I tell her that you like like her? I, like, want to date her. Oh my Christ. Um, yeah. Are you okay? Yeah, no. I'm really sad. Um, Oh my Christ. Yeah. Are you okay?

Yeah. No, I'm really sad. I'm so sad. Oh, I wish Molly was here. I love her so much. She's the best. If you didn't like Molly, is there anyone else you would be interested in? Yeah.

Who? Jackie, probably. You'd like Jackie? Yeah. You would like Jackie and Molly. There's something about her that's better than most. Do you like me. Yeah. You would like Jackie and Molly. There's something about her that's like better than most. Do you like me? Sorry. Do you

do you like like me? Oh my dad's here. Fuck! God damn it! What's wrong? I wanna kiss you! The whole mall stops. The fountain stops. The fountain turns.

I've always wanted to kiss you. And I love Molly and Jackie. They're great. They're great. They're really easy does it. Easy does it. But then there's me. And then there's you.

And you're fine. And we're at this Barnes and Noble cafe. And I like you. And I just, if you don't have a date to the homecoming dance, would you be mine? I'm going to ask Jackie. I'm just going to level with you. I'm going to ask Molly. And if she says no, I'm going to ask Jackie.

And Jackie's like, she's going to say yes. Like she's a fallback for me. But what about me? If Jackie's out of town for homecoming, we can go as friends. Oh, God. Mom, come pick me up. I lied. My mom wasn't late picking me up from school.

I told her to wait in the parking lot and place a doku on her phone until I called her. You have a great mom. I do. I have a great mom. Is she single? God damn it! You jump in the fountain. Swallow a penny.

So that was middle school for you. So that was exactly what happened. And I can't believe you were there to see it. I know. I just remember it. I was like visiting L.A. for the first time. And we went to Thousand Oaks, fucking Westlake Village, because that's where tourists go. That's like Hollyweird, kind of.

No, I definitely had some middle school times, fast or otherwise, at Ridgemont Barnes. This has been Review Review. No way. That's like not even any of the episodes. What shook you all night long? All week long? No, you can't just run through it. This is audio from a video that I'll post to our Instagram of me and my current girlfriend's

second date at Barnes and Noble. Sorry. Your second date was at a Barnes and Noble? Okay. It wasn't at a Barnes and Noble. Are you 14? No, it was brunch near the beach, and then we walked to Barnes & Noble. It was brunch that we got to go and brought it to a Barnes & Noble.

The cafe had high chairs. And so, anyway, I did a goof. I took a little video that I sent to my friend Peter. Hi, Pete. Did you meet him? Did you go to the Highland Park Bowl when he was in town? No. You had never met him.

So we used to do this bit, and we still kind of do it from time to time. When Peter and I are at various stores, the quirkier the better, we'll find the most specific product we can find and then be like, holy shit, they have it. It's the blank. And it it's like say it like you've been searching for it yeah holy shit they have it it's the cassandra claire mortal instruments box set so how did it go down with her how did it land she chuckled she was a pity chuckle she's like i don't yeah i don't know who you are. She was embarrassed because, I mean, did I mention what I was wearing?

Of course not. It was overalls. Were you really? I left them in the washer for a while. And so I reeked of mildew. Yeah. So that's probably why she didn't laugh at a lot of the things. Do you want to start with the reviews?

Here, my first review, is that what you want? No, I want your last review. Okay. Of course I want your, fuck, sorry. Sorry. We're both sorry. You have such a short fuse sorry before the podcast started i was making gum bears kiss and doing a little you know you play with dolls like makeup situations i was over here on the head gum studio couch playing out a date scenario not even a date it was like a meet cute at a bar with two gummy bears.

So. Jeff watched. Here we go. Round two. Oh, let's see who I get. This is like what you guys don't see. Like you see the videos and Riley's usually on her best behavior on like guesting on other people's pods.

But she's forcing gummy bears to kiss no you're not forcing they like it's one of those things they're at two ends what do you mean it's one of those don't say it's one of those things two ends of a bar and then it's like one kind of looks over at the other it's like oh it caught eyes and looking away and the other kind of was like oh my god did they look at me and they're looking it's like no no i can't look oh my god wow are they staring at me i don't know and then both of them kind of look and it's like no no i can't look oh my god wow are they staring at me i don't know and then both of them kind of look and it's like oh hey you hey but this is all unsaid they're not saying anything and um then it's like they kind of like they're like oh there are a couple empty

chairs in between i'm gonna move and then they move and they kind of end up sitting next to each other no one does this no one starts on the opposite end of the bar and then like keeps sliding down different seats. I'm not saying they slid down. I'm saying they both got off their chairs. Okay, not literally slide. Has this ever worked for you? Have you ever done this? And then they're sitting down next to each other

and then they just kind of look at each other and in their eyes it's like, oh, it's go time. It's gummy time. And then they give each other a gummy kiss in terms of like the gums of their teeth. She's shoving bears. Not shoving. They're like into it. And then they give each other a kiss.

And oh my God, you could actually see the outline of the mouths of bears. They kiss. And then. Sorry, did you say a gummy kiss? And not because they're made out of gelatin but because they're mostly just touching gums i mean what is wrong with you read your review three stars christ i'm sorry this is how i am this is from the barnes and noble at the grove okay which is

where i just came from. And it took me an hour to get here. Yeah, same. I'm cranky. I'm a cranky boy. Three stars from Vivian T. Okay. Guess what T stands for?

Tuberculosis. Exactly right. Miss Vivian Tuberculosis. Vivian Tuberculosis writes, this is a very nice Barnes and Noble with a good selection. They are bad at bathroom checks. And last time I went, I saw blood on the floor in the girls room. Oh no. I'm sure that the blood was spilled for good reason.

But I told the staff and an hour later it was still there. Maybe it's meant to be a message. Most of the books here you can find on Amazon for half the price. So that's going to be a challenge for them when it comes to sales. This is a very nice place to be and fun place to hang out. And then, and this is the pièce de résistance. Maybe it's a message? So there's two photos attached.

Oh, no, it shouldn't be. She doesn't talk about the photos. And it's an adult woman asleep on the floor wearing jorts pulled up to her waist, like above her navel. Oh, no. Three books on her stomach holding a gourd. Sorry. There's two photos. Swipe for the second one.

We'll post these on the Instagram. Yeah, this will be on the Instagram. If you're listening to this, it's on the Review Review Instagram at Review Review. That is shocking. It's so crazy. That doesn't make any sense. First of all, she looks like Jacob Wysocki. Second of all, she's just holding a fucking gourd.

At the grove. At the grove. And she doesn't talk about it in the post. Is that her? No. Vivian looks like... It's very different. Maybe it's a message. Also, why is she there for an hour? Well, she ends it

by saying they're not doing too well sales-wise. It's a very nice place to hang out. Well, she ends it by saying they're not doing too well sales wise. It's a very nice place to hang out. So just like imagine she's like, I guess someone in the entertainment industry who's just like barely employed, like goes in for a general. Yeah. It's like, so we saw

your reel. We loved it. You have like such a great look. Oh man, that's so great. Thank you. We'd love to find, you know, a role for you this season. Absolutely. Yeah. What'd you do today? Tell me about your day.

Oh, well, I'm kind of new to L.A., so I was just kind of, like, walking around, seeing kind of the sights, like, walked up and down Melrose and drove past the Hollywood sign, and then I actually went to the Grove. Oh, yeah. People love the Grove. Yeah. And it's like, I was so excited because I'm like, wow, this is like, this is, I'm a local. Like, this is where the Angelenos hang out.

Well. And I was like, oh my God. Like, I'm at the Barnes and Noble in the Grove. And so that was like, I was there all day. Have you been there? Have you been to the Barnes and Noble in the Grove? I've been there. I wouldn't say it's a local haunt, but go on.

It is like the best place to hang out. Why do you think that? Oh my God. I mean, their selection isn't great, but. Negative. That was a negative thing. What's a positive thing? Well, I'm saying that the selection isn't great, but it is like such a cool place to

hang out. It's like the vibe is awesome. Is it? Oh my God. Yeah. I mean, there is one. No, nevermind. No, say it. What was it? There, my God, yeah. I mean, there is one. No, never mind. No, say it.

What was it? There was one what? It's just like, I don't know if this is like a local Los Angeles thing or like maybe. Well, you don't know what I'm going to say. Sorry. Sorry to interrupt. Oh, my God. I would love to be cast in a pilot.

Let's hear the rest of this. There was blood in the bathroom and it might have been a message. There was like a pool of blood? Splatters. Did it look like something violent happened? No, it's like I could maybe understood why it was spilled. Spilled? But I asked them to clean it up.

I'm like, hey, just a heads up. Because like something I want you to do. That's a nice thing to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. An hour goes by. You're still there? Blood's still there too. Sorry. So that's when it kind of clicks for me that it's like okay janice maybe this is a message janice so elizabeth's a

stage name elizabeth is a stage name that was a good choice elizabeth manis it would have been your real name is janice manis it's a family name janice manis sorry that was such a small thing but yeah go on you're at barnes and Noble for the better part of a day? I'm at Barnes & Noble, and it was the better part of my day being there. You're talking yourself out of the job. Is it because of my name? It's because you spend your time at the Grove. I mean, is your resume even correct?

I mean, I added a couple things here and there. There you go. That's the job. That was the last straw. It says here that you were, you audieseled for SNL. I did audiesel for SNL. Is that Saturday Night Live or is that something else? I filled my car up with gas so I could drive to New York and see a taping of SNL.

And did you see the taping? No, I didn't make it there. We had a Jersey, car broke down. Do you get how misleading this is for me to read? It looks like you're at least in a position to audition for an SNL. You know what? But you just put the wrong type of gas in your car and drove to New York City. I knew the blood was a message.

And the message was telling me that maybe being an actor isn't for me. If it's filled with people like you, I don't want to be in this business. Or this state of mind. Because you are so... You don't get me. No one in this city gets me. I'm Janice Manis, dammit. And I'm renouncing

Elizabeth as my stage name. She like makes it huge. Janice Manis in The Message. The Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress goes to literally Janice Mannis. Oh, my God. Even the way you read that award, you know it's insane. Literally Janice Mannis.

Okay, so this review is from the Boston University Barnes & Noble. This is where we would get our books for the school year. This is from Zoe or Zoe. Can't tell. M. Something Zoe. So it doesn't have the little thing over it. I don't know.

Zoe or E. M. Zoe or E. M. Zoe or E. M. Zolt and pepper tea we gotta make shirts that say salt and pepper um okay i have to say i had one of the most pleasant starbucks fuck sorry i'm nervous you shouldn't be nervous i have to say i had one of the most pleasant starbucks experiences here the staff were all super friendly and the right amounts of chatty.

They seriously challenged the snarky barista stereotype. When I was standing in line, the gentleman in front of me wandered off to get a soda to add to his order. He was taking quite a while, so the girl behind the counter offered to start my drink. I asked for a small dark roast coffee, which she poured and gave it to me before the man returned. After I had paid, I asked if she had soy milk for my coffee. She happily took out a box and told me to leave it on the counter when I was done. I was shocked to see how easy this was. I've been everything from sassed to offered an espresso cup with a splash of soy milk in it when I've made the request in the past.

Props to thee guys for not being stingy with the soy milk. I sat with my coffee in my laptop for about an hour. I know, I know, I'm one of those people. To my surprise, there was plenty of seating to go around. I always leave when there isn't, I always leave when there isn't, and a family or something is clearly trying to find space. While I was sitting there, there was a staff change and from what I overheard, they were just as nice. One barista, a young man, sang along to the top 40s playing on the overhead. Usually I find this kind of behavior somewhat grating, but he actually had a really good voice and was quiet enough not to be disruptive. The only problem is that they don't take Starbucks cards, but instead offer a stamp card.

Besides that, it's a lovely little place that makes up for all the miserable Starbucks elsewhere in the city. I mean, she just got divorced right before she wrote this. It's so earnest. She truly just got a cup of coffee in a bookstore and sat. And she's like... What's her name?

Now I think it's Zoe. Zoe or E. It's Zoe at this point. A Zoe doesn't write that. That's a Zoe. What do you think Zoe did before going in there, and what do you think she did when she left? It's Zoe at this point. A Zoe doesn't write that. That's a Zoe. What do you think Zoe did before going in there, and what do you think she did when she left?

I think she just walked in on her husband cheating on her right before this. This is all some sort of manic episode. It's like a mental breakdown. That's how I read it. Read it again, but with knowing your moment before is that you just walked in on your husband like having sex with your boss. Okay. Alright, now I'm Zoe. Yeah.

Okay. I have to say I had one of those pleasant Starbucks experiences here. The staff were all super friendly and the right amount

of chatty. They seriously challenged the sneaky barista stereotype. Man, were you okay? Yeah, you know what? Actually, I'm so great. You know what's crazy? When I was standing

in line, the gentleman in front of me wandered off, like my husband. Fuck. Wandered off to go add a soda. Sorry, soda to his order. Yeah, he was taking quite a while, so the girl behind the counter offered to start my drink. Can you even believe that? Well, that's what most coffee shops would do. No, but literally while he was gone, he was taking so long, the girl was like,

Hey, excuse me, ma'am, I can you have whatever you're ordering if he was taking a while it's easy to ask you it was but it's like she didn't have to she didn't have to do it she was so nice oh my god so i'm like uh yeah i just want a small dark rose coffee and she hands are shaking she bored it to me bored it sorry do you want to talk about it's been a really long day. Yeah, I know what happened. Jason's fucking his boss. Of course. We all knew it, but we didn't know if we should tell you. You all knew?

Shouldn't have said that. You all knew. I should not have said that. And I'm sitting here listening to some barista sing along to Ariana Grande. He had an awesome voice. Really lovely, lovely tenor. Was it? It was not too disruptive.

It was truly beautiful. But while I'm sitting there listening to God is a woman, you all knew that Jason was getting pegged by Lacey? I thought you said you knew. No, right. Sorry. I thought you knew that he was getting ball gagged and pegged by Miss Ambrosia. I'm sitting there drinking my soy milk dark roast. Plain, so plain drinks.

And he's out there with, he's getting paddled and wearing a dog mask while Lacey pours hot wax on his ass. And you all knew. Her name is Lacey Ambrosia. Where do you work? At a bakery? We work at an insurance company. Everything about you is plain.

You know why? That's why no one told you. Because every time we talk to you, I learn a new shade of white. Soy milk on a dark roast. Top 40s hits and you think it sounds pretty good. Hanging out at a Barnes & Noble cafe. You work at an insurance company. Did I mention it was a Boston University Barnes & Noble?

It doesn't matter what Barnes & Noble. So you drove what? 40 miles? I drove 40 miles to the outskirts of the city of Boston. I hate to say this. It's such a rude thing, but I'm going to say it. Who could blame Jason? How's that?

So you do have it in you, what he's been wanting? Oh, my God. I have to go get him. He's been wanting some kinky BDSM sex and you've been too vanilla until he broke you. Do you think he'll take me back? No. Why?

Sorry, that was just my immediate answer. He might. I wouldn't. It's not worth it. I'm just going to keep sitting here at this point. And I know, I know, I know what you're thinking. I know what you're thinking, Diesel. I'm that person with my laptop,

just sitting at a table. That is what you're doing. With my car. I know, I'm that person, right? Meanwhile, Lacey is- Ambrosia. Lacey Ambrosia- What is she doing?

Is unwrapping a box of eggs, the little eggs that you put up that vibrate. Oh, the Benoit balls? I don't know what they're called because that's just me, right? I'm that person who doesn't know what the vibrating eggs are called. You know what? I feel bad. Let me buy you dinner. Where do you want to eat?

Anything you want. It's on me. There's a Sub subway down the street, and I hear their ham and cheese on sourdough is to die for. Let's get it to go. Really? That's a mean thing for me to say. Do you want to hang out at my place? I'll drive you back home to your place.

So do you want to come up? We can watch TV or something. We can listen to a podcast and not talk on the way there. And then when we get to my house... I'll let you out. I won't walk. You'll let me out because you're a gentleman and then you'll get out of the car, you'll come over to my side. We'll figure it out when we get there. And then

we'll go up, we'll eat on the floor in front of the TV, we'll eat our Subway sandwiches and we'll hang out. I'm going to say yes, but something's probably going to come up between now and then. It's lacy, isn't it? They invited me to be their third. Fuck!

Two stars. Charlene H. What does H stand for? It's Charlene H, and the H stands for... It stands for Charlene... It stands for... What's the review? Come on. No, it stands for...

The H? You want to know what the H stands for? Not anymore. Ha. Ha. Charlene Ha, like Frances Ha. Like what the H stands for? Not anymore. Ha. Ha. Charlene Ha. Like Frances Ha. Like Frances Ha. Charlene Ha.

Charlene Ha. Two stars. Which Barnes & Noble is this? I wasn't expecting a follow-up question. So you didn't do the prep? I didn't. This is not a real review. I was about to come up with it.

Okay. No. The Barnes & Noble in Woodmere, Ohio, which was my local... So this is the date spot? No. Okay. The outdoor mall that we would hang out at did not have a Barnes & Noble. So where would you kiss?

Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. I had my first kiss in a, for lack of a better term, paddle ball court. What other term would it be? Racquet ball. Squash. So you're not lacking it. Squash court. Squash court. Yeah. And you were courted at it squash court squash court yeah so and you recorded at the squash court i courted her at the bene mitzvah like a courtier i was a courtier that night

and i kind of brought her into your world my she got to see what it was like under harsh fluorescent lights. It was an AA meeting of sorts. Like the vibe of the kiss was, you know Prince Charming? Yeah. I was Prince Harming. Oh, no. Yeah, because I think my teeth might have hit her lip a bit. Okay, so you're antagonizing me for the gummy gummy bear kiss.

Way different. But now you get to have a toothy kiss. I led on the dance floor. And then when it came to the kiss. You bled. She bled. Did she actually? No, but it was a fine kiss. Lots of tongue.

How old are you? I was 20. No. I was 13 or 12. I don't remember. Read of tongue. How old are you? I was 20. No. I was 13 or 12. I don't remember. Read the review. She was 5'8 and the kiss was an 8. I thought this was the review, Bruce. No, I was just thinking back to it.

She's like, don't rate women. Oh, rate her? No, don't rate her. She's a Trump supporter now. Is she actually? She is. Two stars. Charlene Harleen. She's a Trump supporter now. Is she actually? She is. Oh! Two stars. Charlene Harleen. I bought a copy of Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard at this Barnes & Noble

location in 2007. The staff was friendly enough. I also bought a hot chocolate, non-dairy style. She said style? I said style, but non-dairy in parentheses. After reading this book, the next six years of my life were

sort of a blur. Oh my god! I devoted myself entirely to the life of Scientology and achieved a pretty respectable rank within the community. During this period... This is not real. Oh my god! During this period, my retirement account has been drained.

My husband left me for a lady who draws caricatures at Six Flags in Pennsylvania. Oh my god. And my cat has been possessed by an alien spirit. I split amicably from the Church of Scientology at the end of 2013 to pursue my associate's degree as a legal aid. It is a great career choice for an older, 50, thrifty, and thriving student returning to school. Needless to say, I will not be returning to that Barnes & Noble's anytime soon. Barnes & Noble had nothing to do

with the course of your life. I went into the store. I saw Dianetics at this Barnes & Noble. I know you did. And we have a bunch of books on sale. We're a bookstore. We have floors of books. You know how many Barnes & Nobles I've been to that I didn't see Dianetics at?

How many? Probably at least 14. You've been to 14 Barnes & Nobles? Is that a lot? Is that not that many? No, all throughout. Like probably four of those is in ohio you've traveled with the sole purpose of going to barnes and nobles i am in a

bind for a binded book sometimes just because we have dianetics here doesn't mean you need to buy it in fact it's not even on display in any of like the new releases or most popular yeah but it was in the philosophy section it was like it was deep, but it was in the philosophy section. It was like... It was deep in there. It was like the second up from the floor. Yeah. You had to crouch to get it. I had a hot chocolate.

It was non-dairy. Was it good? Did you enjoy it? That's my usual is my point. That's what I get at every Barnes & Noble. And did you enjoy your drink here? Enjoyed that. Enjoyed Dianetics.

A little too much. Six years. $1.3 million dollars spent on books i'm so sorry that you were pulled into that lifestyle sorry doesn't bring back my fucking husband you know who he's dating who an artist so i'm sorry that you lost sorry you didn't let me a caricature artist at a theme park but that's really cool i'm jealous of course i would be too she lives in a loft she doesn't live in a loft she lives in a studio which is kind of a loft it is kind of a loft have you seen it i saw it from the outside square footage i don't know the

square footage but i sent some scientologists down there and they kind of harassed her for me right that doesn't seem um uh it doesn't not seem legal, but. That's what I can do to you guys. You have no reason to do that. We provided you with a book. We did our job. You bought the book. You paid your money. You didn't have to even read it.

You could have bought it and just let it sit in your house. Okay. Well, I didn't know that. You didn't know that if you bought a book, you didn't have to read it. You're telling me people come in here, buy books, and then just leave them on their shelves? I've done it. What? You're kidding me?

I walk in here. I work at a bookstore. People will think I'm a poser if I don't buy, you know, a Mary Shelley Frankenstein. I never read it. Give me any classic novel. Christmas Carol. Never read it. Christmas who?

Carol. Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens. The movie Carol? Moby Dick. Moby Dick? Moby who? Moby Dick. So every time I say it, you're just going to say Christmas who? A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens. The movie Carol? Moby Dick. Moby Dick? Moby who? Moby Dick. So every time I say it, you're just going to say blank who?

I don't know any of these stories. Don't read them. I buy them. Don't read them. So you didn't have to read Dianetics. You didn't have to become a Scientologist. Don't send your people after me, please. That would terrify me.

Interesting. So you're saying I can own volumes sorry i'm just trying to make sure i know 100 what you're saying you're saying i can own volumes yeah and not open them yeah but owning them owning the volumes will speak volumes listen i know well it seems like based on what you've told me you've fallen on some kind of hard times. I'm in debt. I'm maxed out on four credit cards. We do have a position here.

If you're willing to. It's not going to work. I already know it's not going to work. Why are you saying that? Because. You're clearly a reader. You love a book. Do you like like anyone? What?

Do you like. Do I like like anyone? Who do you like like? Who do you have a crush on? I'm in love with my girlfriend of five years we live together i'm planning on proposing later this month congratulations thank you she's a doctor do you like like anyone who do you like, like... Don't look at me like that.

We just met. Don't look at me like that. When I was a Scientologist, we learned how to observe from afar. And I just know so much about you. No. Like, we're perfect in theory. No, no.

And I've read so many romance novels. So many. And I just know it's going to work out. Get out of my store. I know. I'm already on the way. You're right. I'm going to read my next review.

Whatever. Can you even believe it? I'm going to do it. Should we do one more each? That was my two. Oh. Oh, I haven't done my second one. That's why.

Here we go. One time. No thought. This is the Barnes & Noble that I went to in my youth at the Westlake Promenade. So you didn't go to the Calabasas Commons? Sometimes. It was farther away from my school. This was literally like two blocks away from my high school.

There you go. This is from Leanne K. What do we think the K stands for? I can't say it. You have to now. No, like you have to say it. I can't say it. You have to now. No, like, you have to say it. I can't say it. You think K stands for ****?

Come on. No, what if it is? If her name isn't Leanne ****? You don't know. It's only K dot. Her name is Leanne Kinder Egg. That's all one word. Okay, one word. This isn't one word. Okay, one word.

This isn't two words. This is one word. Leanne Kinder Egg from Simi Valley, California. That's like eight different words. That's all one word. No, that's eight different words. This review, all one word. This is somebody trying to legally change their name.

All right, you can have one word or hyphenated. So what do you want it to be? Let's do one word. You want to keep Leanne? Because sometimes people want to change their first name. Yeah, let's keep first name Leanne. Last name, I would love it for all to be one word. That's your only option.

So yeah, it is all one word. Okay. I would like to be Leanne Kinderegg from Simi Valley, California. Five foot eight, blue eyes, blonde hair. Obviously, I'm going to stop you here. There can't be any spaces in there. Yeah. You just listed like 10 or 11 words. No, sorry.

I said I wanted all one word, not hyphenate, like all one word. Okay. That just might be hard because it'll never fit on forums. It doesn't fit on this forum. I can just review it. Okay.

I can just be like Leanne K. Leanne Kinder Egg from Simi Valley, California. Why not just Kinder Egg and hyphenate it K. I can just be like Leanne K. Leanne Kinder Egg from Simi Valley, California. Why not just Kinder Egg and hyphenate it? It's a silly name, but not to offend you, but like... Because that's not what I wanted. That's not what I said. No, you're right. What you said is Leanne Kinder Egg from Simi Valley, 5'8", and then I

cut you off. You want your height? Which you don't even look 5'8". You look 6'9". If I wanted my name to be Kinder Egg, I would have just said Kinder Egg, right? But I didn't. I said Leanne Kinder Egg from Zimi Valley, California, 5'8". Blue eyes, blonde hair.

Don't patronize me. This is your job. This has never happened. The weirdest case I'd ever had was I did Ron Artest's name change to Metta World Peace. This tops that. Kinderegg from Simi Valley, 5'8", not your real height. Do you want to hear about a time I went to a Barnes & Noble in Westlake Village? It was a five-star experience, and let me tell you why.

All right. Five stars from Leanne Kinderegg from Simi Valley, California, born, yeah, five foot eight, blue eyes, blonde hair. You don't have blonde hair. Great anchor for the Westlake Promenade. With the shift in retail to online book buying, it's important to support brick and mortar shops like Barnes & Noble. We've been patronizing this location for many years and expect to continue. As a place to go to browse books by actually touching them,

examining the overviews of what's inside, what can be better? Examining the ovaries that are inside. Not to mention instant gratification versus ordering online and waiting several days for them to come. I do read some books on my laptop or smartphone with Nook or Kindle, but I still prefer paper books. Dear Hubby can easily spend an hour or more in the magazine section. He's looking at Hustler. Couldn't possibly tell you what caught his eye down there. But meanwhile, I'm up in the novels on the fourth floor.

Yeah, you're touching the binds, opening them up, smelling them. Our grandson headed for the military history section. At 12, he's been interested in World War II, especially for many years already. He met several veterans in that aisle that made recommendations for him among the books he was considering. Nice! I browsed through the bargain book aisles for casual reading. Found a couple of fun choices, including one by Fanny Flag. She's got a unique take on life.

Wish they would offer discounts on popular paperbacks, as other retailers do. They currently discount current hardcover bestsellers. We also picked up Frappuccinos in the Starbucks cafe to top off the visit. We received very friendly service there, as well as the checkout counter for buying books. Yeah, so the veterans that the kid was talking

to about books on what, World War II? World War II. Those were ghosts. He's 12 and for many years has been interested in World War II. Hey, honey, do you want to go play outside? Do you want to go hang out with your friends? It's a really thick book. Oh, man.

And I'm only a quarter of the way done. I can't possibly go outside with the boys today. What are you reading about? I'm reading about D-Day. D-Day? D-Day? D-Day. When they stormed the beaches of Normandy. No, I know, but that's like high school material.

Well, no, when I was in the Barnes and Noble, when we went last week and I went with grandma last week, I saw these men were like, oh my God, that was a time we felt most alive. And they gave me some recommendations so this book is actually a recommendation from uh one of the kind of floating men in the aisle they weren't real but they were talking about they were dead colonel john levens yeah dead was levitating you yeah you're a fucking idiot i'm sorry, but you think you're smart for reading these books about history, but you think someone who was levitating wasn't a ghost? He told me you would react like this.

No. Well, I don't want to fall into his fucking trap, but... He told me that you would say... Where did you get those boots? I don't want to fall into his F-word trap. Where did you get those boots? They look super vintage. I got these from a Mr. Captain Bobby Flander.

That one doesn't even sound like a real general or captain. Captain Bobby Flander said, here, Sonny, take these. I won't be needing them where I'm going. They were talking point blank about how they were about to pass on. It sounds like he was just going back to the retirement home. Back to heaven or hell. I want to fight for my country in 1940.

You can fight for your country. You can't time travel. But I want to fight in this war. Ugh! I don't want to fight now. You're throwing a temper tantrum about wanting to fight the Nazis. I want to fight the Nazis. I want to fight the Nazis. We already did.

I want to do it, though. That's not fair. I didn't get to do it. Bobby Flanders and John Levin's got to do it. Why don't you go take up activism? You want to fight for your country? I want to be in the trenches. You suck. I shouldn't have had you want to be in the trenches. You suck.

I shouldn't have had you. I knew you were going to say that. You don't have cool friends. You don't play sports. That's what I wanted from a son. Because none of my friends want to fight the Nazis in the 40s. What do they say to you when you say that? They say, we're kind of fighting the Nazis right now.

Those are the kids I wanted to have. But I said that's not the same. It's not the same, but... I want to sit in a diner and drink a milkshake with my sweetheart before I go on leave. What do I do with this? I want to split straws and tell her honey, I'll be

fine in training because I'm a big boy and I'll come back to you once I fight the Nazis, but my mom won't let me. Why don't you focus on finally getting potty trained before you go out to war? You're seven and a half.

You wear diapers. I have better things to do. You don't. You can't fight in a war and also need a diapy change. Bobby Flanders said it didn't matter if I needed a diapy change. He said I could go pew pew on the field and pew pew in my pants. This

captain of World War II, his spirit told you to shit yourself on a battlefield? Yeah. Why? He said it didn't matter when you're facing death in the face if you have a little poop in your pants.

He said it doesn't make you any less of a man. It does. It absolutely does, especially if it's not because out of fear. It's because you don't know how to do it in the barracks. But no one knows the difference when you're out on the field. They can smell the difference. They can smell it, but they might think, oh, Simon's just scared when what they don't know is I don't know how to do anything different. All

I want is a crew cut and a milkshake. You can get both of those things, but just promise that you'll be a cool kid. Do I still have to potty train myself? Yeah. You do. No deal. Are you you do. No deal.

Are you kidding me? No deal? Fine. Shit yourself. It's time for the last segment of the pod, I think. What do you call that? This shook me all week long. What's been shaking you?

What's been shaking me? What's been shaking me? Yeah, did you think about it? Did you not? Do I ever think about it? You promised me you would. You promised me you'd start. Every time. I got a new car.

That's right. I traded my yeep Wrangler in for some Wrangler jeans. Some Wrangler beans. I got pennies on the dollar for a two-door SUV, compact or otherwise, to the point where I couldn't get a new car with the cash left over. I could only afford straight-cut

selvedge. What color is your new car? You don't want to ask me about the selvedge? No. It's kind of, with each wash? Yeah, what color is the new car? It's bullet silver. I added the bullet. It's just like, it's silver sky metallic.

Have you named it? I haven't yet. Should I name it right now? Yeah. This is serious. Like actually, like what's the vibe of it? No, I take this seriously. My car's name is Meg after Meg from Hercules because she is like hot, but she also means business.

Wow. Yeah. Okay. So what's like the vibe of your car that you felt? Okay. To be fair, I've never named a car. Okay. Crazy.

So not crazy. Okay. Crazy. In high school, I had an old Saab 9-3. My high school girlfriend gave it a name. I don't remember what she called it. I think it was a girl's name though. Okay. Florence. Florence.'t remember what she called it. I think it was a girl's name though.

Florence. Florence, man in the machine. Yeah. And then I drove an old Cherokee for a while. Loved that car. That was a good car. It gave up on me though. Yeah. I called it the boat. It's not a name, but I called it the boat because when you're on the freeway, it went like this and it made people that don't even usually get motion sickness get motion sickness. That's really good. And I took a lot of road trips with it. And then I had this Wrangler for a bit, but I was only getting like 11, 12 miles a gallon, which I just can't have. So I'm going to go with the Guzzler. That was the Guzzler. That was the Guzzler.

That was the Guzzler. And this. And then this one, it's kind of like we had the kid, but we're going to see how it acts the first week. Sure. And then figure it out. I just got it yesterday. That's fair. So you're still figuring it. So it's still the baby. It's like, oh, had the kid, but we're still, we're going to see how it acts the first week. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just got it yesterday. That's fair. So you're still figuring.

So it's still, it's still the baby. It's like, oh, what's the baby doing? I haven't even got my plates yet. Let's just say that. So still dealer plates. Traded in the Ute for that. 40 miles a gallon. Beautiful.

Toyota RAV4. I've thought about it. Florence Pugh has been shaking me all week long. Right. You already talked about it. I truly think that if I met her, we would get on really, really well. I believe she is the next Meryl Streep. I believe she seems awesome.

She was on her Instagram story last night. She just posted a full video of her mixing a drink and doing it really well. That is something you would do. I know. I saw you made an old-fashioned. I know. I saw you made an old fashioned. I did. I was at your house on Friday. We were talking about cocktail making.

Yes. I said, what's the next drink you want to make? You said old fashioned. Daniel, my boyfriend, taught me how to make one. So Daniel and Jay Lee, who you can watch on Hulu's Looking for Alaska. Can you even believe it? Let's give a little promo to Jay Lee. Well, I auditioned for his part and I didn't get it.

No, you didn't. It wasn't his part. It was another part on mine. Of course. They gave it to like a short ass. And don't tell Jay I said this, but like, because he probably had a blast shooting with whoever that was, but it could have been me. Right.

Well, anyway, Jay and Daniel and I have a shared affinity for mixing drinks and Jeff as well. So who do you think that was? Sorry, I'm just doing my read that I did in the audition for looking last year who do I okay do it again who do you think that was was that your only line yeah how'd I do uh yeah I don't know let me do it one more time uh do you mind if I start from the beginning yeah go for it we're ready We're ready. Whenever I'm ready? Whenever you're ready.

Okay. On my, on your cue? On your cue. On my cue. Whenever you're ready. Can you give me a cue? Sorry, I get nervous. Okay, and?

And I go on that? I go on the point? Yep, you go on the point. Can you do a three, two, one, like a countdown? Three, two. The one is usually the point sometimes, so it doesn't.

No, okay, let's do three, two, one, go. Okay, three, two, one. Sorry, I sneezed. Can we do it again? Yep. Three, two, one. Who that was? You know what?

Thank you so much for coming in. We actually have a couple people waiting outside. And you want me to wait outside? No, you're done. You actually, we got all we need. I know what you mean. You do, so you can head out. I'm at Abrams.

So just call. I will not call them because you didn't get the part. That's funny. I learned how to make an old fashioned. Super good. Daniel taught me how to make it. Very easy. Jay makes it in a real cool way.

He does it in a shaker. He doesn't put the bourbon in the shaker, but he puts a little, he puts a tiny orange slice and some ice and um a maraschino cherry and he muddles it like he so he fully blends that up in the shaker and then he um puts that in a glass so that's muddled with the bitters and then pours that in so it's all it's just a beautiful thing that sounds really good it's really so it kind of also looks like it's not blood orange but the color is like a red because of the cherry mixed in with it. Yeah. But I really want to take a bartending class. And Jeff sent me a link to a class that I shared with Jay.

And Jay's like, I want to do this too. So I think it'd be fun if all of us did a weekend of this bartending class. It's, wait, how long is the class? A don't know. A weekend? I don't know. I don't know how long. Maybe a night. That's also just a really cool bar, Apotheke. Wait, Apotheke? I don't know. I used to think it was Apotheke, but I called them to get a gift card from my brother-in-law. And when they picked up, they said Apotheke.

Apotheke. Apotheke Productions. Apotheke Productions. Mod Apotheke. Mod Apotheke Productions, the movie. Records. Records. The bar.

I also went to Death & Company, not too far from here. What's that? An East, sorry, let me get into it. Don't get mad at me. An East Village transplant with the heart of a champion and the steady pouring hand of a mixologist of the highest caliber the people that penned the book on cocktails had a bar for the ages that has now been in me drinks wise you ended it you it was actually such a beautiful description and then you just ended it in the worst way. I was in her, and she was in me. No, no.

In a transference of fluids. What did you drink? Me? Yeah. I had their take on a whiskey sour, which they called a sour soul. And it was like, there was like wine in it, too. And it was super good. And then I had their take on an old-fashioned, and it was also very good, but not as good as the Sour Soul.

I love an old-fashioned. We should all go. We should all go. We're going bar hopping on Friday. No, the way you just said it, you don't want to go. We're going bar hopping on Friday. Yeah, not here. What?

In Silver Lake. Yeah. It's in the arts district. Oh, got it. It's also like, it's kind of expensive. It's like you go there for a drink or two. Got it. With a smaller group.

Yeah. Yeah, that's right. I said it. Jeff and I are going bar hopping with friends i was listening if i were you as one as want to do as one is want to do the guys talk about their lives and their wives only one is married i know and i think that it's interesting to people to get to know what we do we can't review without you and me. So. Yeah, I know you all are wondering, are you guys friends in real life? Yeah, we are.

I mean, we work together. We are like, Jeff is one of my best friends. And I have told Jeff that I am going to be in his groomsman party. You never told me that. You just said it for the first time. You can't do that. You can't invite somebody. Well, I have told you that you're going to be in my bridmen party. You never told me that. You just said it for the first time. You can't do that. You can't invite somebody. Well, I have told you that you're going to be

in my bridal party. No, you haven't. I literally have before. I actually have. I literally have. Okay. Jeff will be in my bridal party. Do I have a choice?

No. You and friend of my life, not of the pod, because he's been on. Friend of your life? I was going to say friend of the pod. He's never been on. Jeffrey and one of my dear friends not of the pod. Friend of your life? I was going to say friend of the pod. He's never been on. Jeffrey and one of my dear friends,

Alfred Bardwell Evans, will be in my bridal party. Do you think that people are only friends of the pod if they've been on? Yes. Okay. Finn Wolfhard is a friend of the pod. Finn will be my best man. Why?

Because by then he'll be, what, 25? Maybe. Yeah, 25. I know that he'll be a good planner that's really good because i want my bachelor party to be on like a dude ranch like in wyoming or montana am i invited if you're in my groomsman party you'll be there okay it's not about being invited it's you have to be there i'm just like i want confirmation that i will be in your um groomsman party yeah i don't don't know. We'll see. Because I love a suit.

I love wearing suits. Ralph Lauren actually said that a woman is never sexier than when she's in a suit. So I will upstage everyone at your wedding by looking hot in a suit. That would be cool. But yeah, probably Jackson's Hole or like Bozeman, Montana. Jackson's Hole. And I'm not talking about the city. My buddy Jackson, he dug a ditch in his backyard in Munster, Indiana.

So we'll go there. Great. No, I just want to drink whiskey on a ranch. That's nice. Near the mountains or in the mountains. If you were planning my bachelorette party, what would you do? Like if it was this weekend and you're like, I got to just like come up with an idea right now and put it together. We'd probably go to London because isn't that your favorite city?

It is my favorite city. And then we would go to different fun bars and clerbs. Maybe not clerbs, but bars. And probably see some shows and stay in a cool, hip boutique hotel and play games, like theater games, but also board games and like telestrations and stuff like that. And we'd all have some kind of matching attire that you would probably wear a lot afterwards. Jeff really knows me.

She's about to cry. That's right, perfect. That's actually what I want. I'm gonna make gummy bears kiss again. I don't wanna be in your fucking bridal party. This has been Review Review. With who? With me and you.

My name is Riley Ansper. And I'm Jeffrey James. Where can we find you on social? You can find me at Don't Play No James on Twitter. Okay. And I am Jeffrey James on Instagram. Where can we find you? At Riley Coyote on Twitter and at Riley Anspaugh

on Instagram. Amazing. So I kind of got, I got in early on Instagram. Like I just had my full name. It's amazing. Did I tell you that I offered a guy with the Instagram handle Jeffrey like 500 bucks to buy his handle? And then he was like, how would that even work? And then I sent him a detailed message of how it could work and he didn't respond. He just left me unseen. And I was like, that's a lot of cash.

And then afterwards I was like, I don't need that anyways. It would have been nice to be at Jeffrey. That would be cool. A lot of cash. Like, and then afterwards I was like, I don't need that anyways. Yeah. But it would have been nice to be at Jeffrey. That would be cool. Anyway, do you have anything to plug? Oh, I guess by the time this is coming out, maybe by the time this is coming out, we will be at the Cleveland International Film Festival. Maybe. This will be near then. It'll be near then.

Our short film, Good Morning, was accepted to the Cleveland International Film Festival. So if you're in the area. Come out. Come out. We might do a Q&A. At a bar. We'll just sit there and make people ask us questions about our film. I am excited to show you Cleveland.

It's not going to be a great time to visit because the snow is going to be melting. I'm excited, though. It'll be fun. I really want to do a live review, review of I Reveal. Because Cleveland in the summer is like Chicago. It's like really fun. If I were review, review. And it's just people imagining. If i were you because cleveland in the summer is like chicago it's like really fun if i were review review and it's just imagining if i were you in review review if i were review review review i would be hosting it but we are and you're not if i review if i review if i review you make me wanna go out and steal you. Four damn stars.

I just went to a spa and had head. Bye. Bye. That was a HeadGum Podcast.