Review Revue - Baskin-Robbins

Episode Date: July 23, 2024

Reilly and Alf are reading Reviews on Baskin Robbins while trying to depose of the young king and put clothes on dogs. >>>>><<<<<Follow at:IG: @reillyanspaugh @alfredinnitTwitter: @reilecoyote Join the discord here!Produced by Daniel Ramos @SchubirdsAdvertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Get the Angel Reef Special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. And participating restaurants for a limited time.

This is a HeadGum Original. One, two, three. Alfred and Riley host a podcast called Review Review. Did you know that? Alfred and Riley host a podcast called Review Review. Did you know that? Alfred and Riley host a podcast called Review Review. Did you know that?

Alfred and Riley host a podcast called Review Review. Did you know that? Alfred and Riley host a podcast called Review Review. Did you know that? Alfred and Riley host a podcast called Review Review. Did you know that? I mean Banger alert

I mean banger alert Come on So that was from Maya So Maya says Hi Alf and Riley I'm heeding your desperate call to action Thank you And submitting a theme song

Partially to get this idea out of my head And partially to prove That anyone can and should submit one. Maya says, Did you know that joke is one of my favorite runners on the show? Every time I hear it, I'm reminded of this little ditty, so I thought I'd make a good theme submission. You might recognize the tune from a deep cut SNL sketch

called The Beland Brothers? Yes, someone sent that. I actually don't know that one. Maybe it was Maya who sent that in maybe it was my well so here you go starring fred emerson fred armisen and brian cranston if you're not familiar the actual lyrics are i sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house did you get it and that's it for three minutes i cut mine down from that but still kept it true to the repeated lines and simple message again not a musician by any means shout out to the review review discord for their advice on what to

do uh i had a lot of fun avoiding emails while making this i don't have anything to plug but by any means. Shout out to the Review Review Discord for their advice on what to do. I had a lot of fun avoiding emails while making this. I don't have anything to plug, but everyone should join the Discord and vote in their local elections. Speak on it, Maya. Oh my God, Maya.

Maya says, P.S. Riley, I went to Into the Mist a few times during lockdown. Have to tell you how much it meant to me. It was the escape from reality I desperately need. Can't thank you and Daniel

and the whole team behind it enough. She goes, I hope to God this isn't copyrighted. Didn't use any original audio. Oh, it's certainly not. Crossing my fingers at size. Maya, you legend. Thank you so much.

And that was so sweet. God, shout out, review, review, Discord. Shout out, Into the Mist. I mean, what a way to start the app. That was fantastic. Did you know that? That was an awesome theme song. Did you know that? I saw a rat today. Did you know that that was an awesome theme song did you know that i saw a rat today did you know that i saw a rat today did you know i'm having my second cup of coffee today and i'm gonna get

another one after this did you know that uh i've only had one coffee today did you know that are you back to drinking caffeine again um am i on fucking trial am i on fucking trial no i was just saying that like based on you saying i'm having i had coffee today i would imagine that yes you are back to drinking caffeine fuck mind hunter over here how'd you figure that one out fucking sherlock yeah no i am back drinking coffee unfortunately um but one a day one a day like like all good things like like um like a multivitamin like a multivitamin like like beers like um i'm not drinking one beer a day everybody calm down i'm drinking three um but uh non-alcohol non-alcohol beers yeah honestly i do have like

10 non-alcohol beers in my fridge are they like good well they've been in the fridge for a while some of them are i mean i honestly i guess i guess i thought i liked beer and i guess it turned out i liked alcohol i was gonna say you know i think you just like getting drunk. I think that non-alcoholic beer, like, I think non-alcoholic beers are really for people who drink alcohol. Right. Who are like still get over, you know what I mean? I think like once you haven't had beer in a long time, you're kind of like, I don't want to drink this for the fucking taste. But maybe that's just me.

I don't know. You know what is universally disgusting and undrinkable? Black licorice. What? Nope, not that. Non-alcoholic wine. I've never had non-alcoholic wine that doesn't sound appealing to me. I've never had a non-alcoholic wine that didn't feel like drinking a cup of vinegar.

Because I love the taste of wine i really enjoy wine sure you do just like without the hey you know what we're i was starting off in such a good mood because of maya's theme song i know it was a good one and now you well what are you looking at you are looking off camera you're looking off to the side oh am i interrupting something i'm sorry are you fucking busy she's calling me out oh i'm sorry are you fucking busy mate someone just sent me this it's a someone's tattoo flash drawing of a uh lynx eating a dick yeah and they were like you should get this tattoo and i was considering it and i I considered and no. Sorry, but you're right. I was really unprofessional.

Hey, no, I just want to say I get a hat ahead of this. It was really unprofessional information. By the time this comes out, you will have your tattoo. Of the cat eating the dick. But yeah, I... You will have your axe to the head tattoo. I'm sorry that I looked at my phone. Did you know that?

And I'm sorry that I didn't give you my full attention. Did you know that? I did know. And going forward for the rest of this episode, I'm going to give you my full love and attention and respect. Did you know that? Did you know that? Did you know that?

Wedding vows. I love you. And you are my best friend did you know that i've loved you since the first time we met did you know that did you know that you light up my life in so many ways and i can't wait to create a family with you. Did you know that? You've loved me when I didn't deserve it at all. Did you know that?

It's always weird when people do that in the vows, you know what I mean? When they start like... Like really self-deprecating? When they start nagging themselves, yeah, and they're like, I'm a piece of shit who you shouldn't be with

but you are and that's awesome. Yeah, it's also i feel like the couples who it's like this one puts up with me i'm like i don't know i don't like that it's like oh i love this one because they they put up with my stupid ass stupid lazy ass do you remember that chris pratt thing about when he posted when heatt thing? About his wife? When he posted that Instagram for his wife. Of course. Of course. Some people's vows are like that.

I know. Did you know that? Did you know that? That fucking theme song is going to be stuck in my head for a while. Did you know that? Did you know that? Just had a little. A baby.

A little baby. Lunch. I had some fried eggs and some sauteed spinach on an english muffin and it was delicious whoa and um i'm having coffee and as my little oh my god i earnestly the other day to daniel it was on a saturday morning i slept in a little bit i made some coffee, made some breakfast. I was watching YouTube. And I earnestly said to him, I love watching YouTube and drinking coffee. There was no irony in it.

That's like the other thing you said. What was the other thing you said? I said, like, I'm going to miss Target. No, but months ago. I probably earnestly said, I love YouTube. I think you might have months ago been like, I think I really i think or i think it might have been like i love the internet it was something i love the internet yeah i said i love the internet or i love means or something it's on the podcast go find it yeah and it's i think it's like i uh for the past couple years

uh best friend of the pod and of best best best friend of the pod and of best friend of the pod. Best friend of the pod, wow. Elizabeth Valenti is such a YouTube girly. She loves YouTube. She has a YouTube channel. And like she's always loved YouTube. And I didn't really get on. I was on the YouTube train when I was in like middle school,

kind of fell off in high school. Throughout college, I didn't really watch a lot of YouTube unless it was like Broadway bootlegs. Like, but I wasn't actively like watching YouTube. You certainly weren't watching any of that horseshit that Jake and Amir were putting out. Well, that's different.

Um, but then I just feel like I missed the train of YouTube stuff. And now I'm back on in a big, do you know what I mean? It's like, I wasn't watching a lot of the vloggers. I wasn't watching a lot of those things but now all i was gonna say was i was watching defunct land i fucking love defunct land um but i love i'm like i'm on the train in such a

big way now where because of my fucking short attention span thank you tiktok thank you whatever that when i'm watched like when i'm eating a meal and i want to be watching something i'll probably put on a YouTube video versus a TV show. Unless it's like, I don't know, something short. I don't know. I'm changing. I'm 28 and I'm finally getting into YouTube in a big way. That's interesting.

Yeah, I think my YouTube probably peaked in like 2013 maybe. No, and that's right. 2014. No, you hit it at the right time i'm a late bloomer but then i but then i did fall off and now i just i listened to podcasts all day long but that was me i had the reverse order it was podcast non-stop totally and now i'm i'm i'm really on the youtube ask me how i'm on the video essay train yeah the video essay train is like i'm happy that you're there i think that's specifically i i love such a niche interest of like theme park and i think it's good On the video essay train. Yeah, the video essay train is like, I'm happy that you're there.

I think that's good for you. But specifically, I love such a niche interest of like theme park lore. And I think it's good for your attention span. I think it's really interesting. It is. It is. How many hours of podcast do you think I've listened to today? Already. What time is it there?

It's 3.15 there. I would say you've already listened to five hours of podcast. I'd say that's about right. I'd say it's probably between five and six. What's new with you? What have you listened to today? I'm not going to get into that because those people haven't paid for ads,

but this is really going to timestamp this. The British general election is coming up in two weeks from this Thursday. And I've been consuming at least three or four hours a day of British general election coverage, which, you know, is an election I, doesn't affect me. Haven't lived there in many, many, many, many, many years.

Have no plans to move back there. And yeah, here I am listening intently to every interview that comes across the airwaves because I have a mental illness did you know that that means that I need to hear something in my ears 24 7 but you saying that it doesn't affect just because politics doesn't affect you it's like it's good to stay updated I think it's actually probably good that you're and you have family there you know it's true i mean it it affects me more than like you know the french election you know what i mean but but did you know that did you know that i'm not french did you know that bonjour we

doggie frank beyond your we but yeah i i i listen to a lot of podcasts man but that's um that's not actually what we're here well really quick something that like speaking of mental illness something that i like if i'm home alone for a while it's like and it's too quiet it's like i love to have i will bring my computer room to room watching things or like listening to a podcast or music or whatever and then sometimes i'll be like riley sit with your thoughts no just, thank you. Just do it. And I will test,

I will like challenge myself. No, no, no. And then I'm like, oh, it's a little sad. But then I'm trying to, it's like, listen, I love to cry famously. I love myself.

I know. It's like you must, you must be, you must be being alone with your thoughts occasionally because you cry so much. Oh, yeah. No, I do it a lot. Yeah.

I feel like I have a good balance. Do you think that's good for you? Yes. Should I do that more do you think? Yes. I started doing something. Today's my third day of doing it. I started doing The Artist's Way. Congratulations. Can you believe that? That's amazing.

Is it? We're not here to talk about The Artist's Way. No? We're not here to talk about the artist's way. No. We're not here to talk about mental illness. Although, although, although. Although, actually, now that you mention it. No, we are not here to talk about, nor will we be talking about mental illness. But I think it's instructive.

I think if you were my therapist or Riley's therapist, you could learn a thing or two by listening to this. It is revealing, I would say. We are here to talk about something, I would say nostalgic. And I remember the topic. So shut the fuck up. If you think I don't. We're talking about something sweet. Something cute. Something simple. Cute. if you think i don't something something sweet something cute something simple cute something expansive what i mean 31 flavors oh we're here to talk about baskin robbins

alfred i have al can i kick us off about normally i'm like tell me about this i have what do you want to say very distinct memory have a very distinct memory as a child. As a child, I was not allowed to chew gum. I have an Irish Catholic mother, and it was not on. Me chewing gum as a kid was not allowed. Interesting. But I would get to go to Baskin Robbins every now and then. And when I tell you that there were pretty decently sized pieces of gum in their bubble gum ice cream flavor now i didn't even really like bubble gum ice cream flavor i did

a little bit but like i've always been kind of like a cookies and cream girl um but as a child my way to get around me not being allowed to like buy gum or chew gum i would get the bubble gum ice cream from Baskin Robbins and I would collect the little bits of bubble gum in my mouth and use that and be like, oh, I'm chewing gum now. I played the long game. Do you remember what I said

like two minutes ago about the mental illness? About mental illness, yeah. Because I want your therapist to listen to that story very specifically. I really, I hoarded it in listen to that story very specifically. I really, I hoarded it in my mouth like a little squirrel. I hoarded it in my mouth like a little squirrel.

I remember that. I remember, oh, you know what really went hard, though? Where, like, the clown ice cream cone things. Like, the upside-down ice cream cone with the clown. And, like, they had the frosting on it. The clown face. Look up clown ice cream cone basket. The clown ice cream cone with the clown and like they had the frosting on it. The clown face. Look up clown ice cream cone. The clown ice cream cone.

That shit was so good. I can smell it. I can smell it. Basking around me. Oh my God. It was delicious. Oh, he is scaring the shit out of me. Oh, scary but so good.

Wow. Yeah, now he's growing on me. Isn't that interesting? Now, we want to talk about mental illness. Yes. I also have a memory of going to Baskin Robbins. So I would go as a kid a lot. And then I hadn't really been as a kid.

And then I went on a date when I was like 16. Okay. To Baskin Robbins one time. And we got shakes. And it was very awkward. But I wish him well. What do you think he's doing now? I think working in...

Look him up on LinkedIn right now. Let me know. No. Did you know that the Baskin Robbins was actually... The first location was in Glendale. Really? Yeah. Do you have any memories about Baskin Robbins?

Did you know that? Did you know that? Very specific aesthetic, Baskin Robbins. The pink and the blue. I will never forget. Yes. Here's what my experience with Baskin Robbins. I went a couple times as a kid.

You know? It was not our ice cream parlor of choice. Jesus Christ. Of course. Yeah, it's fucking... Do you ever feel like your jaw... No. No, I have TMJ, so mine's locked a lot.

Right. Sometimes I feel like I could use a screwdriver. I just cracked it, actually. You know what it is? It's the oil man, the tin fork. Yeah. From the Wizard. The tin fork?

From the Wizard movie. I need a little bit of this on my jaw because it's, oh no. No. But yeah, it wasn't really our ice cream parlor of choice when I was a kid. Ice cream parlor of choice. People are 86. It wasn't really

you know, where we'd get our tutti frutti and whatever. Chaconne, almonds. Oh, you've never lived till you've had vanilla my boy but uh i did go a couple times but honestly i don't know if it's the same in la but or in california generally um but what we have an insane number of here is combination duncan donuts bas Baskin Robbins? Baskin Wobbins?

No, you know what? I see those a lot now. When I'm talking about my year, my prime Baskin Robbins years, is actually when I was a wean, like four or five years old in Utah, in Salt Lake City. Yes.

That was big Baskin Robbins country. And you probably weren't hoarding the bubble gum yet no that was that was when the bubble gum hoarding was happening i see yes because we moved full time to la when i was six and that was when you were able to let go of your bubble gum problem yeah because because um then our local ice cream shop did not have a bubble gum flavor. I see. Your local ice cream parlor. My local ice cream parlor. I was born in the ice cream parlor.

But it did have a carob chip. What? A carob chip, yeah, for children who want to have low sugar chocolate, which is all of them. Are you serious? Yes. Of course. That is those fucking want to have low sugar chocolate which is all of them um anyway of course that is that is the most fucking california ass brain rot shit i ever heard um but the combination dunkin donuts combination dunkin donuts baskin robbins and something i like to do sometimes when i go in there and i'm you

know getting my donkeys which i'm known to do is they have like a big binder set out on the vast full of women binders full of women and a dog on the roof um that's what that was mitt romney he said binders full of women and he also dog on a roof yes seamus romney oh i didn't know i know that obviously the Bindersfield oh my god so Mitt Romney came out in the 2012 election and Mitt Romney would go on family vacations with his family

and their dog Seamus Seamus Romney their family dog and for the eight hour drive or whatever to the lake house they would put the dog

no you are fucking lying on the roof in a crate well yeah he wasn't just strapped down but i mean but yeah in a crate and the dog that's really well isn't this fascinating the dog would piss and shit and diarrhea everywhere in the crate of course because it was terrifying because it was absolutely

terrified because it was going 70 70 000 miles an hour down the highway and uh mitt romney said and i quote he loves it he really doubled down and said that the dog loved it up there but yes there's binders full of cakes um and it's like all the different cakes but they have they they will put new ones in but they won't take old ones out of the binder so you're getting like 90s so you're like i'm like i'm like what child is coming in here and being like there's one I always see at a lot of locations, which is the Hannah Montana cake. And it has like a little headset on it. And it's like, who, who, who, whom? Themed ice cream cakes were really of a certain era.

I remember those binders. I remember actually like being like, wow, I have not thought about that in a really long time. Like going through the binder and seeing like- Like Lilo and Stitch, Hannah Montana, Spy Kids. These are the kind of properties that you'll see in a really long time like going like lilo and stitch hannah montana spy kids these are the kind of properties that you'll see in a baskin robbins binder and i'm like could i still get that like what would they do if i if i went in and i was like yeah what are the spy kids two cakes please it's come back i feel like if you ordered a spy kids two ice cream cake it would be

a big hit you know what i want a spy kids two ice cream cake. Jim Carrey's The Mask ice cream cake. Hey, go listen to Face Painting Kids. I'm smoking. I'm smoking. I really, I can smell the fridge where they would have the clown ice cream upside down. Oh, that is scary.

How would you eat it? Flip the cone upside down? No, you'd flip the cone upside down? no you'd have the cone so like the cone the tip of the cone is up and the ice cream

and the base of the cone is at the bottom you put that in a cup and then you eat it like that well what do you do with the cone? you eat the cone but it's just the other way around first?

no from the top? you go but it's like there's their frosting the frosting that's used for ice cream cakes it's like there's frosting. The frosting that's used for ice cream cakes it's just such a specific

smell and flavor. Like I'm there. I'm transported. I am in. Are you an ice cream cake person generally? I haven't had one in a really long time

but I could really fuck with an ice cream cake. I love an ice cream cake. I love it. Because I also prefer cake cold. I love cold cake. Isn't that interesting? I put cake in the fridge and I love it. Because I also prefer cake cold. I love cold cake. Yes, isn't that interesting? I put cake in the fridge. Now, isn't that interesting?

And I will, it's like, room temp cake, yuck, who needs it? Cold cake. Especially birthday cake, I almost need. Ooh, I need it cold, actually. And honestly, I almost need it to have ice cream, too. I want, like, a scoop of vanilla

with the cake. Because it because it's just like the cold and then when it gets like melty and it's like now it's got the cake it's like yeah it's so good oh what let's so this is i mean this is gonna be i think the most decadent episode yes gourmet delicious it's just gonna be gourmet delicious. Did you know that? I can practically taste it. Don't they do the thing at Baskin Robbins where they put it on a slab and they fuck it up? That's Cold Stone. That is Cold Stone because they have the cold stone there. Yes, correct.

Creamery. Isn't that a word? Creamery. Isn't that a word? Isn't that a word, my boy? Come to the ice cream parlor. Creamery. Let's take a break and then we'll get into some decadent reviews of Baskin

Robbins. 31 flavors only. If you go over that, they kill you. And we're back. Hi, Susie. Hi, Susie. do you want to go on a date with me how old are we but yeah to the creamery creamery that's not a weird word creamery creamery creamery you know what i had the other day is i said my own name exist oh god we want to talk about mental i was right or i wasn't saying i was writing my name i was writing i was filling out a form um no you weren't no it's literally just me singing a typewriter going like from the shining yes alfred alfred alfred but i was and i i i got syllabic satiation,

which is what that's called, when you say a word so many times. Oh, really? I didn't know how to name for it. Yeah, it does. I'm dying. And I was writing my own name so many times on this forum that I was like, holy shit,

is that how you spell Alfred? Alfred. Alfred. Alfred? Alfred. Alfred. Alfred. Alfred. Do you want to start or should I, Alfred? Don't call me that.

It's weird when you use my full name. Call me by your name phase. They have seen that. It's now. It's the same. We just did the thing. No, but if you had really seen the peak of it, it was really something special.

I just Googled Armie Hammer hammer and i wish i hadn't so um like alf and i were just in college wearing each other's shirts and going to italy and riding a little bicycle around we would ride one bike i would alf would be on my shoulders yes and he'd be saying olio ol, Alio, Alio, Alio. Eliver, Eliver, Eliver, Eliver. Mafalda. I put it to you that you and I are some of the only people on Earth that remember that the housekeeper, and call me by your name, is named Mafalda.

Yeah. Mafalda. Because we would do a Borat thing with it, and it was really funny at the time. You'd had to be there. Mafalda. Come on, you're cracking up. You're busting.

You're absolutely busting about this. Go, you start. Oh, you'd like me to start my falda? Yeah. I'm my falda. Did you know that? My falda. Goop, goop, goop, goop, goop, goop.

My falda is the stupidest joke. My falda, but it was funny. It was funny at the time, wasn't it? Okay. I still think it's funny. It was funny at the time, wasn't it? Okay. I still think it's funny. It's just, I, yeah. Okay. This is for Baskin Robbins in Memphis, Tennessee.

Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only, you're the only one. For me. Two stars from David P. Penmanship. David Penmanship. Two stars from David P. Penmanship. David Penmanship. Two stars. It appears the store associates are not knowledgeable of each item on the menu.

A banana royal is to be served with two scoops and not one. This was a bad experience, and I would think twice before going to this location. All right, well, I guess I... There's so many forks and spoons and knives on this table. I thought I just needed one fork to eat my veal. But maybe I'll use the... Oh, sir, I'm not cut out for this life at all. Master Wellington,

I do assure you that there is no shame in not knowing which veal fork to use at dinner. I just feel so stupid. How am I supposed to lead an entire kingdom if I can't even eat my veal?

Young man, you've got many years ahead of you to learn how to eat veal. Many years still to learn how to rule a kingdom. There will come a day where you need to know both these things, but for now, we are learning.

I just... It's the one on the right. I wish I could go back to... Thanks. I wish I could go back to my old life. I just... It's the one on the right. I wish I could go back to... Thanks. Yes. I wish I could go back to my old life. I was just Jim. Just the steelmaker's apprentice Jim. But, Master Wellington, surely you don't mean that?

Well, there was so much less pressure. You know, the only worry I had was just, is this sword sharp enough? Are my boots clean enough? But now it's diplomacy this and chicken fork that, and oh, it's doing my head in, sir. Master Wellington, it is not us who choose our fate, but fate who chooses us. Oh, Master Wellington, your lessons are done for the day, darling. You can retire to your dormitory. Oh, thank you, Mum.

I will. Thank you to both of you. I'm sorry I'm such a hopeless case. You are to be king someday, my boy. You need not apologise to us. And as your tutor and supervisor, I assure you, darling, we will get you to the place where you belong. Now, run

along and let me talk to Steward Griffin. You've got to be fucking kidding me. I couldn't think of any other name. Oh, Megan! Good to see you again. How's the boy progressing with his Latin? Come now.

Oh, God, I'm so... Get yourself together, woman. I'm so glad he's gone. This kingdom is going to his Latin? Come now Oh god I'm so Get yourself together woman I'm so glad he's gone This kingdom is going to go to shit We cannot I'm worried I'm worried as well He couldn't eat the veal could he? I mean he could have eaten it

But not with the right fork And that's what really matters What are we to do? I can't believe this random boy is to be prince Now Megan There's no way Calm yourself I'm in a state Now, Megan, Megan. There's no way.

Calm yourself. I'm in a state. I just, I can't believe that, I don't know how this happened. He's only ten. He's got three more years before he has to take the throne. There's plenty of time to teach him. There's no time at all. And how do we know he's actually the rightful heir anyway? I think that one of us should contest it to be so. Now, mistress... Is that treason? I hope it wasn't. I do hope you didn't mean that. Of course not. I'm thinking about what is right for the kingdom. There are consequences for such words in our kingdom, Mistress Meghan. Well, Stuart Griffin, I do know a couple of choice words that you have had about the kingdom as of late, so...

Oh. I would tread lightly with me, darling. Eavesdropping have we been? Just a little eaves have been dropped over the past few months since the boy has been around. What have you maybe perchance heard me say that is so interesting to you? No, that's none of your concern, as long as it isn't something that you would be... Oh, you wouldn't have any worries about anything that you've said? No, not at all.

You know, Mistress Meghannay, there is a group of somewhat like-minded individuals such as yourself that meets every evening in the cemetery. Perhaps we shall see you tonight. Well, maybe I'll be there and maybe I won't because I am quite loyal to

this monarch. Oh, but of course, as am I. As are we all. And it is our loyalty to this crown and country. Crown and country and town and country. Indeed. Horse and hound. Well, I must retire to my chambers and maybe I shall be taking a moonlit stroll this evening to visit my father's grave. Nothing more. May he rest. Yes, and perhaps I shall be taking a moonlit stroll this evening to visit my father's grave. Nothing more.

May he rest. Yes, and perhaps I shall be taking a stroll this evening as well to visit your father's grave. May he rest. May he rest. And please, mistress, call me Stewie. Cut to the subject. It's a frightfully cold night. Stewart? Sorry, Stewie? We've got to the cemetery. It's a frightfully cold night. Stuart?

Sorry. Stewie? Is that you? Megan, is it? Oh, I... Maybe I shouldn't have come. No, you've come to exactly the right place. Is it?

Are we alone? Yes, but... Well, um... You know Stephanie from the kitchens? I do, yes. Yes, and Mary, the Irish woman from the stables. Irish Mary, of course. Yes, they'll both be on their way soon enough.

We've got somewhat of a brain trust here, you know. Oh, fantastic. Oh, gosh. This is quite thrilling. I can tell. I do hope that no one sees us. Me as well, but if they do, they do. But there's a thing that must needs done be doing it.

And the boy must be away. Wait, what? The two women pull up. Irish Mary? Kitchen Stephanie? Hello, love. It's me, Kitchen Steph. Actually, you don't have to be calling her Kitchen Steph.

You can just call her fucking Stephanie. And I know I'm Irish, but you can just call me Mary. Oh, apologies. I'm just, I'm quite nervous, you see. We're delighted. It's my first meeting, after all. Stephanie, Mary, this is Mistress Megan,

and she's going to be joining us tonight, and hopefully from now on. She's the Prince's tutor? Yes. Sorry. Was that you, Mary? Oh, I thought it was Stephanie talking for a second. I was just trying to match her.

Sorry, I get a bit self-conscious about me being the only Irish person in the kingdom now. Understand. I understand that completely. And I am sorry if we've ostracised you by continuing to call you Irish, maybe. Enough! Time is pressing of the essence this eve. Night draws close, the boy ever growing older.

Some action must be taken. Now, Mistress Meghan, you have the closest reach to the boy. Your tutor, Tootledge, that is. Gives you certain access. Well, yes, but... You know, I... He is a nice enough boy, but even he doesn't want to take the throne one day. Well, perhaps we should take him... out...

of the picture. Well... I do take them out on the grass to study sometimes. I think you misunderstand me, Mistress Megan. We want to kill the boy. Mary.

Oh my God. Kill the... I know it sounds a bit extreme at first, but once you get used to the idea, it's actually sound. You know, quite sound. I mean... Look, how

old are you going to get anyway? What, he's going to be 20, 21 before he croaks it? Why not just nip it in the butt now? I mean... This is treason! No, love. If you really think about it, I'm doing him a love. If you really think about it, we're doing him a favour.

He doesn't even want it. So... But he's a child. Couldn't we just... Couldn't we just, I don't know, put him in a sack and then put him back where he came from? Or two provinces over, even? Two provinces?

Who's got the money for that? Not me on a kitchen salary. And not me on the account of being the only Irish person in this province. I suppose I might be able to afford the coach journey, but... But how could you make sure that he wouldn't come back and snitch on us? Indeed, Mary, these are the questions we must ask, and the evening grows ever nighter, closer to day to coming,

and we must away to be careful, sure. Well, I just... I'll do it, then. Right. I just feel that the three of you would be quite cold with him and I want his last moments to be gentle. You don't trust us to kill him with kindness. Do you want to kill him with kindness, Mistress Megan?

Is that what you're saying? No, well, yes, but... Words of affirmation have their place, love, but I don't think it's a crime scene. You could use a pillow. You could use a knife. You could use a knife. You could use poison. You could...

No, I want to do it. I don't know. I don't know. I've never killed anyone before. I'm a tutor. I've got a rolling pin you could hit him over the head with. No, I just... Let me talk with him.

Maybe I can convince him to run away and never come back. Oh, um... No, Megan, I, I don't think you quite understand. Um, we need him dead. Deceased. Shuffled off this mortal coil. Who will take over? The only reason that he's in line for the throne is that his late majesty, may he rest in peace, he said he was

walking through town one day, saw the little blacksmith's apprentice and said, oh, he looks kind of like me. Maybe I had it on with his mum one day. And we know that might well be true. But there's no proof. There could be many heirs. Oh, Megan,

but the proof is in the pudding. The pudding for tea tonight. Perhaps there will be poison in it. But, Megan, I think you miss the larger picture. If the boy dies, the kingdom is once again thrust into a period of interregnum between the kings. And it is only in that period of chaos that a people's government might emerge. What do you mean?

No king. He's talking about a democracy. No, no, no, no, no, no. A people's government. I like, prefer, Mary, that language. So not a democracy? Well, no, it could be. I'm just saying. Fine, whatever.

But the first step is killing the boy. So we are going to do that. Aye, we're going to kill the boy. Rolling pin still stands if that's on the table. But I can also give you... Poison it is. Right, yeah. Put it in his tea and his pudding, please.

Tomorrow night. Well, if I put it in the tea and the pudding, it's not really you killing him, is it? Fine. You give me the pudding. You make the poison and I... Well, I'm not making the poison. Stewie's already made the...

He bought it or something. I'll make the pudding and then you're going to slip it in Okay Thank you Stephanie This is an important point If I put it in, in the kitchen The royal taster's going to get it And he's going to keel over

And I quite like David Fine I will put the poison in the boys pudding His plum pudding. The poison that Stewie bought. And Mary, I don't really know how you will play into this, but at least you are involved. I have a sad feeling that if it all goes tits up that you're going to be blaming it on me. Where are you from, Mary?

Your accent is... Mary, you wouldn't happen to be double agent, would you? Because your voice is somewhat unpredictable this evening. I just, I don't really... It's hard for me to... I'm kind of an empath, but with voices. And so I listen to yous and I take it on. It's a thing we do in Ireland, but yous wouldn't know because yous wouldn't put a foot there.

Well. No, God no. I would never go. I hear it's lovely this time of year. Cut to the next night. Good evening, Mistress Megan. Good evening, good evening, little lord. How are we doing tonight?

We're all right. Had a horrible day with Master Stewart. He's quite odd on me, he is. Oh, come now. That's not entirely true. How about a nice spot of pudding? Stephanie, some pudding for the future king. Coming up.

Oh, that's so nice of you. I haven't had pud like this since I was a blacksmith's apprentice. Halt, kitchen wench. It's me, David, the royal taster. I must try a bit of that pudding before it touches our king's lips. Oh, no, I fully trust that the banana royale that she's serving up is right nice. It's quite all right, king boy, sir. I take no offence.

Let the royal taster sup. Thank you, Steph. I've always liked you. Poison free, that is. On to the boy. Oh, yum, yum. Let me eat that right up. No, have you forgotten your banners? You know what to do. I think I used this spoon. No, no. You've forgotten the pudding manners.

You must put this napkin over your eyes and count to ten. Oh, Master Stewart didn't teach me. No, it is because only kings do it. And Master Stewart didn't think you were quite ready for this. But go ahead. Count to ten with the napkin over your face. One, two, three. Takes the handshaking, takes the bottle out of her bodice.

No way. Sprinkles it into the banana royale. Seven, eight, nine. What comes after nine? Ten, my darling. Ten! That's right. Oh, yummy scrummy.

Time to put in my tummy. Oh, this is so delicious. It's just like my mum made. That's great. Just wait, your mother? Your mother? I thought she didn't know your mother. No, I don't remember meeting her, but this tastes exactly like something my mum had made me before. Wait, Stephanie, come back out here. Exactly like something my mum had made me before. Wait. Stephanie, come back out here. What's going on, Mistress Megan?

What seems to be the problem? Oh, God. Oh, Stephanie, I hate to be crass, but have you ever, with the late king, did you... Play huntin' a thimble? What? It's a euphemism. Yes, I had sex with the king.

Oh, God! Oh, God! Mass king-boying! Throw it up! Throw it up immediately! Stephanie, this is your son! Wait, you knew! Oh, Megan. You knew! Oh, sweet, sweet Megan.

I almost feel sorry for you. King Boy is just dead. He's just face down dead in the desert. This was the plan all along, you see. You knew. You knew that he was all-totally dead. You didn't do anything to protect him. No, that's quite the opposite.

I did everything to ensure his untimely demise. Why? What good is it to you? One life, life of a boy, for the life of the kingdom. I'll take it. You are twisted. I will never let the ruling power fall into your hands, Kitchen Stephanie. Oh, alas, Mistress Megan. I think I missed my calling. Of what?

Come on, ask her. It's better if you ask. Shouldn't have been a kitchen maid at all. Ask what I should have been instead. What? What should you have been instead? Should have been a seamstress. So fucking good at tying up loose ends.

Bullet to the head. Bullet? Throws a bullet into her head. She dies. And the people's republic can rise. I like the sound of that. Yeah, you would. Are you going to let me be part of it too?

Oh, sorry, love. I think we're full. I think we're all full. I thought it was Republic for the people. Oh, yeah, most people. I can take it. You've put me in a corner, Mary. Wow, a normal short one.

A normal short one about killing the boy king. Killing the king boy, the boy king. The murder of the boy king. Should we take a break? We're on a break. Sure. We'll be right back. Fantastic.

I have one. No way. If you can actually believe that yeah no i do i do um this is for baskin robbins in salt lake city utah if you can believe that again did you know that four stars from Daisy R. Daisy Ridley. You're going to say it. Low-hanging fruit. Okay, I'll come up with a different one. No, it's fine. Daisy Ridley. The Riddler from Batman.

What do you want? Like, fuck you. Sometimes I go for the low-hanging fruit. Daisy Ridley, four stars. I was hoping to get a clown cone tonight. It was always a childhood dream of mine. They were out, but that's okay. Seems to be the trend wherever I go.

The teens working were super nice. I went with my second choice and got a single scoop sundae with a winter white chocolate. So yummy with the hot fudge and whipped cream. Fun way to top off the evening after celebrating with friends and taking a nostalgic drive down Christmas Street.

Okay, ladies, we have a very, very important decision to make tonight. We can only take one more sorority sister to Kappa Kappa Alpha. And I know we all have really strong opinions about all of them, but girls, we can only pick one. It has been such a competitive year. But, you know, as president of Kappa Kappa Alpha, I just have to say that I don't want to pull rank, but I need to point out that Trixie has shown us that she is Kappa Kappa Alpha through and through. I mean, did you see what she was wearing? She was wearing all Kappa Kappa Alpha gear.

She bought the gear before she was even pledged to be a sister. She has shown nothing but Kappa Kappa Alpha values in terms of kindness, friendship, loyalty, generosity. And she's got a rockin' bod. I mean, who wouldn't want to have her as part of this sorority to get us into all the frat parties? I know that's shallow. I know that's shallow, but that's college, and I've always said that.

So I will put in, listen, I will die on the hill for Trixie, and as president, that's just what I have to say. I will listen to everybody else, but I feel like we should just go ahead. I feel like it's the obvious choice um counterpoint hi hi there yeah becky treasure we're here um what becky what have we said about the baby voice um not to do it in the house anymore correct yeah anyway um i think emma why not emma i think we all really liked her her vibe like she kind of brings like a cool stoner girl energy that's kind of lacking in the house right like she kind of is a little disruptor and i like kind of think that's fun like what if we like

mixed up the vibe like we don't have to be like totally all the same like maybe that would be cool and she's a super sweet girl and and and was super generous like all the time so becky um i would like to push back on that a little bit and say that we are not all the same that's a weird thing to say we are all kappa kappa alpha sisters and we may share a lot of the same values and clothes and makeup and hairstylists and hair colorists and sizes and classes and names but we are all unique and different and have varying majors within the communications degree and I just want to just push back and be like, maybe we don't need a disruptor.

Maybe we need a glue to stick us together. And I really think that Trixie could be that. Emma's lovely, but maybe not Kappa Kappa Alpha material. Yeah. And I totally hear you, girl. I totally hear you.

And I think that, um, at the end of the day, Trixie could be your sister. And I think that might be why like your IRL sister like your biological sister. I wish she'd be better than my sister. Oh right well some of us actually

actually went ahead and met Sarah when she visited last fall and she seemed really sweet so I don't I feel weird when you bad mouth your sister in front of us but I think Emma like i don't know like should we just vote like is that fucked up should we just vote like i think everyone here knows the girls like let's

just vote hey guys oh yeah ronda um i actually would like to put forward somebody i know that my voice is never really heard in these things. Go off. No, what are you talking about? Everyone's voices are heard. No, you have a good point, Rhonda. Some voices are more heard than others. One voice in particular.

I would like to put forward someone who actually you guys didn't get to meet the other day at Rush. Oh, well. And, oh, actually. That's not's not i would that's not you know me i'm all well i knew it you guys don't want to hear what ronda has no that's not it it's just like the rules of rush are pretty clear like if the girls aren't attending then the girls aren't exactly eligible oh no i get. It's not a democracy. Well, it is. It is and it isn't, Rhonda.

Loosely. Can I just... Everyone's like, hear her out. Yeah, let's hear her out. Okay, all right. Let's hear her out. No, you're right. Let's hear her out. Maybe there's a good reason that this person wasn't at the rush.

This person... I met her on the street the other day and I thought that is was she in like on the grounds of campus like was she on campus yeah she was on campus and I just really thought

she's a student it's still TBD she says that she's working on it okay now Rhonda you know the rules they do have to be a student to get It's still TBD. She says that she's working on it. Okay. Now, Rhonda, you know the rules. They do have to be a student to get. You know what? Why don't I just introduce you to her?

She's in the lobby right now. I'll bring her out. Oh, okay. We don't normally. She's a little older, but that shouldn't change anything because there's no age limit. No, there's not. But sort of. There is and there isn't. You know, Rhonda.

There is and there isn't. You know, there is and there isn't. It's sort of unwritten. It's more about norms and about kind of. Well, no one is making more norms than my new friend, Norma. I saw her working at the Petco Unleashed on campus. You said you saw her. Okay. On campus.

Right. And she was handing out flyers for a doggy daycare class. And I know that all of us just can't... Sorry, I meant like doggy daycare opportunity. Norma, why don't you come on in and show

your stuff, bestie? Norma, don't be shy. The girls can't wait to meet you. Hi, everyone. Nice to meet you. My name's Norma, don't be shy. The girls can't wait to meet you. Hi, everyone. Nice to meet you. My name's Norma. Hi, Norma. I am Amanda.

I am the president of Kappa Kappa Alpha. Oh, it's an honor to meet you. Oh, you don't have to bow. That's okay. My liege. No, that's not. See, look at how she is like. We talk about generosity.

Look at how generous and respectful Norma is. That's a capital for alpha value. I'm so sorry. You don't even want me here. Oh, it's not that. We just don't know you. I'll go. And Norma, are you a student?

Rhonda, this is a bad idea. You knew they wouldn't like this. No. Girl, you stay. You stay. You just like this. No, girl, you stay. You stay. You just need to show them your bright, shining personality like you showed me. I'm so sorry for wasting your time. And I'm sorry I wasn't at Rush the other day.

I had a biter and I had to deal with him. And it's... Oh, that's okay. Are you a student here, Norma? I consider myself a student of the world, of the arts. So you're not a student. Of the liberal arts. Okay.

Not to get political. And there it goes. Unfortunately, you're out of the room because only students, registered students here at the university can be part of this room. Can you show me where it says that? It's in our handbook somewhere. Gimme. I actually saw that there was an addendum made this past quarter and that if you pay a certain if you pay 10 15 10 to 15

thousand dollars you can actually join the sorority you don't even have to be used i can do that you guys don't have to worry about that i'm liquid as hell right now oh no norma that's okay you really don't that's a lot of money you don't need to call me the great wolf lodge the way i'm liquid as hell right now. Oh, no, Norma, that's okay. You really don't. That's a lot of money. You don't need to. Oh, calling a great wolf lodge the way I'm liquid. Come on. Let me in. Guys, hear her out.

Norma would be an amazing addition. Let me pitch myself, you guys. Yeah. Tell us about yourself, Norma. First of all, I'm different as fuck from all of you you guys and me are very different i think that that would be kind of good for you you have a reputation on campus i don't know if you're aware um which is that you oh well i know our reputation precedes us stuck up hot kind wait what did you say stuck up stuck up that you are stuck up that you are exclusive that you are

it's not very nice um yes that's a great one that you're not very nice um that you are kind of mean that and this isn't my word but that you're um bitches is a word i've heard thrown about hey no i mean she's not wrong, you guys. Our reputation is going down the toilet. Anyway, so when Rhonda reached out to me and said that you guys were looking for, you know, someone to shake things up, kind of inject a new brand identity, I kind of felt like I was the perfect... Rhonda, that is not...

We never said... I kind of felt like I was the perfect fit for that. So first thing I would do, right, is different kinds of parties. You guys' parties, let's be honest, are fun, crazy, and let's just say legendary.

They're a little stale, I would say, a little boring, a little basic. Toga parties are a staple of college life, Norma. Yes, since ancient Greece, okay? Let's update it a little.

I'm thinking maybe Smash Tournament could get like a whole different crowd in here. I would be happy. That's not the kind of crowd that we're looking to curate. Totally, and I hear you, and I'm pitching something else. House music class. I teach people how to DJ house house could be pretty funny thing could get a lot of different people in here could really change up the vibe you're talking about how we wanted to diversify ronda i mean okay taxes taxes for artists seminar a lot of artists don't know

how to do their own taxes okay what you actually want to do is incorporate yourself as a business. No, no, no. We're not looking to offer classes. We're looking to... Okay. Fuck it. We're looking to have hot people to join our group, to take photos, and go to parties with other hot men who are business majors.

Just business. I don't know what kind of business they do. I see. But it just business. I don't know what kind of business they do, but it's business. And we do communications and they do business and we fuck each other wearing toe guts. And that's what we do here, okay? We have a charity where we put dogs in skorts

and that doesn't serve the community. It doesn't do anything, but it bumps up the algorithm, okay? And so the only thing that you would be actually any fucking good for, Norma, is to provide the dogs for the skorts that we sew here. Now, since everything's out on the fucking table, I think we should add Trixie because she's got a great rack and her brother is in Pi Beta Phi. Now, if anyone has anything to say, sorry for wasting your time, Norma. I don't want to host any taxes for hippies or smash tournaments for nerds who like house music. Okay?

So why don't you get unleashed and get out of here. I'm sorry. Okay. Well, may I defend myself for a minute? You go for it. That was really fucked up, Amanda. I'm sorry. I minute? You go for it. That was really fucked up, Amanda. I'm sorry. I just,

I don't know what we're doing here anymore. First of all, you don't need me to supply the dogs for these squirts because, well, I'm fucking looking at one. You are not

as attractive as you think you are. Say it again, everybody. She's not as attractive as she thinks she is. You guys, are you kidding me? I am a 10. Sure, you're a 10 on the scale of fucking annoying my ass, okay? Seriously. Seriously.

What? This is crazy, you guys. No. I'm serious. This is not happening right now. Let's be honest, guys. Let's be honest. This girl, raise your hand if she's ever been mean to you.

Okay. Okay. A lot of hands. A lot of hands. Now raise your hand if she's ever been nice to you. No hands. No hands. No hands.

Okay. You suck. You're asking too quickly. They haven't had time to think. You suck. People hate your ass. Guys, all in favor of kicking Amanda out and making Norma the president of Kappa Kappa. Who saw this coming?

Who the fuck saw this coming? Everyone. No, this is ridiculous. You guys are acting crazy. Amanda, Amanda. You guys are acting crazy. This is ridiculous. This is a fucking mutiny.

I want to end the handbook. It clearly says. Fuck the handbook want to end the handbook It clearly said Fuck the handbook You wrote the handbook Amanda We all know it Amanda Amanda Amanda Amanda Is this really what you want? What? That was like

That was like a house track I'm working on about you Amanda Amanda Amanda Amanda Remember Panda? Fuck it This is If this is what you guys want fine enjoy living in a dumpster with your rat queen i'm out of here and i'll start my own fucking sorority how about that and it'll be for hot people who want to be in marketing. Now, let me take my paddle, and I'll go.

Yeah, the paddle is normally more of a frat thing. That's something she really tried to get going here. Yeah, you can take the paddle. We're not really doing that, I don't think, anymore. Would she hit you guys with it? No, she would want us to hit her. It's always like that. Norma, you are a breath of stale air in the best way.

I'm going to change your life. I believe it, really. And I'm not going to make any value statement. Good, bad, but it'll be different god bless you whoa okay rule number two no god stuff in the house norma doesn't roll like that should we do our last segment? Let's do it. This shook me all in love. Two long ones, huh?

Two long ones. Reminds me of my middle fingers. You ever salad fingers talking about the golden age of YouTube? Yes, yes, yes yes that was a strange that was a strange one what's been shaking your ass oh what the hell has shook me hello me the cheese the grillable cheese the The unmentable... Fuck me.

The... Oh, no. It's happening again. The unsinkable... I was trying to say the unmeltable solid sauce. Fuck. You see, you can't even get it out. The unmeltable solid sauce.

The unmeltable solid sauce. I love that cheese. The unmeltable solid sauce is fucking disgusting. Going into the Halloumi marketing meeting and being like, guys, I got a new slogan for you. The unmeltable solid sauce. But no, I really like Halloumi and it's expensive as shit, so I don't buy it very often. But when I do, it tastes so fucking good. I don't like halloumi.

Really? Is it a texture thing? Yeah. Yeah. It's rubber. I love the rubber. It's the Unmeltable Solid Sauce. The Unmeltable Solid Sauce.

Ew. My wrestler tagline. Did you have halloumi recently? I did yesterday. I did a corn salad. It was corn, cucumber, halloumi, onion,

cilantro, mango. It was like a fresh summery, so many textures going on so much salt and sweet and flavor and fresh and summer and it was the unmeltable solid sauce the unmeltable That sounds great, albeit for the halloumi. What's been shaking you? I would just like to say what's shaking me is that, is from this episode. I haven't been able to stop thinking about how I really did not, when I said Stuart Griffin you gotta apologize for that

I meant steward like you are a steward Stuart Griffin and then you took that as Stuart but it was after I said Stuart that I heard it and no no no I'm not blaming you I'm, that I heard it. No, no, no.

No, no, no. I'm not blaming you. I'm saying that I heard it after. Because it was, let's be honest, it was the Griffin. No, that I couldn't pick any name in the entire world. Steward Montgomery. If I had picked anything other than Griffin. And I just want to apologize, everybody. I just want to apologize.

No, but then I... It's untenable. It's unmeltable solid. This podcast is becoming an unmeltable solid, so... It's really like I... What's shaking me is that I feel such deep shame. I feel shame and guilt and regret. And yes, it's because I'm Irish Catholic.

Of course. But this is also because of my actions on today's episode. It does just feel like this podcast would be more at home as either a Family Guy rewatch podcast or a musical theater deep dive podcast.

Por que no los dos. I mean, that's what it is anyway imagine we do a podcast where every episode we talk about a different musical and an episode of Family Guy we spend the first that's just a phone call except we don't watch Family Guy

so we just talk about a musical for half an hour and then we role play that's what it is really it's not that we would talk about the episode you and i would just let's talk about let's talk about there's gotta be so much family guy fanfic out there oh my god of course you know how many people want to fuck lois we could just read family guy fanfic for half of it and then talk about natasha pierre for the second half. Hey guys, if you want a little Patreon exclusive,

no one wants this. Everybody wants us to read Family Guy fanfic. So yeah, I just wanted to say that I have a lot of deep shame and guilt and regret and so I'm sorry for saying Griffin when I could have picked any other word in the human language. Peter? Yes, any of them.

Who was expecting you to come in with that big man meter you're like. Ew. Okay. You can find Alf on Instagram at alfrednitty. You can find the show on Instagram at reviewreview.

Write at r slash reviewreview reviewreview discord. And Jeff and I have a patreon.com slash rallyandjeff. Monthly Zardes. Zoom party. And you can find Riley on Instagram. Just come.

I'm the stat man. You can find Riley on Instagram.com. Just a web browser, not the phone app. At Riley and Spot. And on Twitter.com now known as xxxxxxxxxxx. For as long as it lasts. At Riley Coyote. And as we say every single week on the show, we're always saying it. We're never not saying it. Check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check,