Review Revue - Ben & Jerry's Storefronts

Episode Date: May 23, 2023

Reilly and Alf turn a man into cream, make each other an offer they can't refuse, and write a [Parent Advisory] song.    Follow at: IG: @reillyanspaugh @alfredinnit Twitter: @reilecoyote�� Join the discord here! <><> Produced by Daniel Ramos @Schubirds Advertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fm   This episode is sponsored by/brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/REVIEWREVUE and get on your way to being your best self.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Don't ask me what I should review Don't have to tell you I gave you five stars I I was shopping You were here Our cars collided And now I'll only give you two stars Review, review Review, review

Oh, a little incess for your Tuesday morning. I loved that even more the first time. Wait a minute. No, this is the first time. I loved this one. This is the first time. I love that. That was a parody of Never Tear Us Apart by NXS from Ryan J.

So thank you so much. Oh, I thought that was someone like you, Adele. No? No, that was very clearly Never Tear Us Apart by NXS. Huh, I thought that was someone like you, Adele. No? No, that was very clearly never told us about it. Huh. I thought it was someone like someone like you by Adele. Do you know her? No, it still isn't.

She's one to watch. Up and comer. To continue to think it's one thing after being told it's not. Being like, oh no, it's not that thing. Oh, well, I could have sworn it was someone like you by Adele. Look, Riley, I know you have the email or whatever in front of you by the person who made it but it sounded a lot like uh rolling in the deep by adele got it so you're changing the song alfred good morning good morning and by that i mean for me yeah it's after it's night time for isn't that funny it's not funny how it could be morning for you and afternoon for me?

You have a little bit of heartburn. Yep, yep. I had one of my patented hummus sandwiches for lunch, and so I'm having a little bit of that. What's in it? Well, fuck it, Al. I know you're no genius. We can probably figure it out. What else other

than hummus, asshole? So we started with two slices of bread. Are you following? A little bit of cheese. A little bit of cheeky cheese. This time it was called... What kind of cheese? Slices of Provo. Lone. If you were a cheese, you would be Provo lonely.

Because you're fucking sad. Shut up. What else? Bread, you got cheese. Sounds great so far. Hummus and cucumber. And the hamburger. The sandwich has two slices of red. Provo and cheese. Hummus. They and Lira hummus. Some cucumbers. And then an hamburger.

For those of you who haven't seen the Steve Martin Pink Panther. It's a little Pink Panther humor for you. You haven't seen the dialect coach scene from the Pink Panther, Steve Martin? Wake up. Do better. I've been off. I'm having a delicious cup of coffee right now, but I've been off I'm having a delicious cup of coffee right now but I've been off my coffee game I don't know what happened to the way that I grind the beans versus the water ratio it I did it the same

way I've been doing it for years and suddenly it's like the beans are too fine or there's not enough water I don't know what's going on but today I I did a very good job thank you for asking didn't ask uh if anyone out there wants to make a super cut of all the times Riley has kind of. How am I doing this week? It's just it's just your coffee. It's just you talking about your fucking Joe. I want to get in. I want to get into our topic because we're not here to talk about hummus.

It's a shame. We're not here to talk about coffee. No, we're here to talk about something. That someone described online as smelling of burnt hair the minute you walk in the room. I don't think that's accurate at all. I don't either. I don't either, but I can understand why. It's something that's nostalgic. It's something that I miss.

It's something that I want to have nearby me. I feel like you might. I don't have it nearby me. It's a Ben & Jerry's storefront. We're talking Ben and Jerry's storefronts today. I'm so excited to relive my childhood. Clearly, you can hear it in your voice. I'm so thrilled to be here with you all today. Wow, I'm looking at a map of LA. And you know, really, I don't want to dox you but you're not that far from one

I well in my town where I grew up we had a Ben and Jerry's storefront and then it was gone and then it was like I just remember one day it was no longer there and it was replaced by a movie theater but then that movie theater also ended up being torn down and replaced by a different

a movie theater? a tiny like two theater and replaced by a different. A movie theater? A tiny, like, two theater. Is this the world's biggest Ben & Jerry's? No, it was replaced by a little, like, two-screen movie theater. But then that movie theater was torn down as well. Oh, what was it replaced with? And now it's a shop. But anyway, I loved me, I love a Ben & Jerry's storefront.

Because I love Ben and Jerry's ice cream I don't buy pints very often I love milk and cookies I love tonight dough oh huge tonight dough head over here but I would take milk and cookies over tonight dough interesting I love any kind of ice cream

cookies and cream is my favorite ice cream flavor it's a great flavor any kind of ice cream that has that vibe and milk and cookies just, it's so good. It's also half baked. I think milk and cookies half baked tonight. Well, and you know, it doesn't surprise me that then you like tonight dough because tonight dough is basically like a third cookie dough. Yes. A third milk and cookies and a third like brownie. Yes. A third milk and cookies. And a third like brownie.

Yes. What about you? I think tonight dough is my number one. Number two, kind of quirky, is probably Cherry Garcia. I don't think I've ever had it. So Cherry Garcia is like a sort of cherry ice cream. And then it has like chunks of like dark chocolate and sour cherries in it. And it's fucking awesome.

And something. That's like an OG flavor, right? Yeah, it's like old school named after Jerry Garcia. There you go. Front man of the Grateful Dead. Daniel the other night was like, I forget what we were talking about. But he was like, well, you know, tonight dough is like the most, it's like voted the most popular flavor

of Ben and Jerry's. And I'm like, whoa. And then it took a second, I'm like, is that true? And he's like, I don't know. I'm like, got it. He might have just

made that up. But Alf, when was the last time you were in, we're not here talking about just Ben and Jerry's, we're talking about a Ben and Jerry's storefront.

We're talking about you can get Ben and Jerry's fresh, scooped into a cone or a cup or a waffle. Or a cone cup. Bless you. When was the last time you were at a Ben & Jerry's storefront? What are your memories of Ben & Jerry's storefronts?

So there was a Ben & Jerry's storefront not 10 minutes away from my high school. That's lovely. So I would go there not infrequently by the time i could drive and sort of get myself there after school what would be your order just a small just a small ice cream just a kid's scoop of vanilla just a just a just a kid's scoop of caramel sauce and a straw no uh yeah it was it was normally like a cookies and a milk and cookies a cookie dough something like that um you know tonight dough wasn't really on the scene i don't think when i was a kid you can get the milkshakes in store that you can't get those are on another level i think i slept on milkshakes until i was an adult like when i was a kid i'd be like

well why would you get a milkshake when you could get ice cream and now yeah i'm like milkshakes are actually some of the most bomb shit um ever dare i say made um a ben and jerry's milkshake i also remember ben and jerry's was the first place i had a root beer float my dad took me to get a root interesting um now you know what i will say yeah i mean root beer floats. My dad took me to get a root beer float. Now you know what I will say. I mean, root beer floats, here's the thing. Give me a glass of root beer. I think they're kind of nasty. Give me a glass of root beer, give me a scoop of ice cream. I'll have them separate. Thank you very much. I don't need to mix them together.

And you've always said that. I've always said that. It's like, give me my hamburger and my hummus sandwich. I don't need them to be together, you know what I mean? And I've always said that too. But Ben & Jerry's also does something. Wake up. I know you're snoozing over there. I'm not.

Ice cream cakes. They do ice cream cakes. They do ice cream cakes? They do ice cream cakes. Sorry, ice cream cakes? What did I say? You said they do ice cream cakes. Ice cream cakes.

Ice cream cakes. Ice cream cakes. Which one was normal? Were either normal? I don't know. Ice cream cakes. That feels right. Ice cream cakes. Nope. So they do ice cream cakes. This one was normal? Were either normal? I don't know. Ice cream cakes. That feels right. Ice cream cake. Nope.

So they do ice cream cakes. This is a cashew situation. They do cashew flavored ice cream cake. No, and I'm a huge ice cream cake head. So is my dad. Whole family. A lot of ice cream cake lovers. Run the family. Run your father's side. And I love them and I'm not going to comment

on that. And I remember distinctly one time I can't remember why. Okay. This got really serious. Going into Ben and Jerry's that very Ben and Jerry with my mom and my brother

and we were buying my ice cream, like an ice cream cake for my ice cream cake you know i can't stop now we were buying my ice cream cake it's no secret i sound weird we were buying my cream cake that they'd put on ice for a good little boy my chilled creamy cake my ice cream cake oh i do love a good cream cake on my birthday mother for my birthday do you think i could have a nice cold glass of cream an iced cream um anyway and you went to go pick up your ice cream and it was me like i don't know why i was there picking up my own cake um seems like kind of should have kept that secret i don't remember maybe there was some logistical reason anyway and they asked like oh do you want anything written on it and i was kind of being a jokester at that age i was sort of 12 years old i said yeah this is my

own cake i'm telling them what to write on my own birthday cake. A sadder thing has never happened. And I go, oh, wait, I think I know this. And I go, yeah, say happy birthday, Professor Awesome. And they look at me and they're like, sorry. And I go, happy birthday professor awesome i mean my brother fucking yucking it up oh my god and then we get the cake like a few hours later and it says on it happy birthday professor r what and just the letter r And so clearly they had heard me say, like, happy birthday, Professor Rawson, Rawson, Rawson.

Like, they thought I was saying a name because what kind of child says Professor Awesome is what they want on a fucking birthday cake? And so then I had this ice cream cake for my birthday that just said happy birthday professor r it's like just some spanish teacher it's like hey we got you a cake man here you go it's like that it's like what the fuck hey professor r we just wanted to say thanks you've been really great all year and we feel like no one gives you credit. So happy birthday, ma'am. Happy birthday, Professor R.

I mean, I thought it was funny as fuck then. I think it's even funnier now. That's incredible. Oh, my God. I remember the last Ben & Jerry's store I was in. They have one on Newbury Street in Boston. I've been there. Uh-huh.

I went there. Not very often. But, God, I love the smell of an ice cream store. And Ben & Jerry's has a particularly potent smell. Yes. Well, I think it's the waffle cone of it all. If you're making waffle cones in a shop, it's going to smell cold when you get in there. You just smell cold and it smells like waffles.

And sometimes, yeah, a little bit gets burnt. Oh, sorry. A little bit does get burnt. And so that's probably the burnt hair of it all. But you get the sweet of the ice cream. The sweet of the cream. But I know that it's like every Ben & Jerry's, they have that kind of groovy,

kind of 60s, 70s type of beat. The tie-dye of it all. The tie-dye, the cows. The cows are iconic. The painted cows. The cows are awesome. The rolling green hills and the blue sky like all of the iconography of ben and jerry's it's like you walking into like a trippy little cartoon and i really enjoy that i also appreciate i've never done it but i appreciate any store that does a challenge the vermonster course, is what I'm referencing. Are you familiar with the Vermonster?

That's right, I've heard of it. Where it's like 20 scoops of ice cream and like a full tray of cookies in a bucket and you have like 20 minutes to eat it or you have to pay a fine. I totally forgot about that. Vermonster, because famously it was originated in Vermont. Vermont, Bernie Sanders.

Should we get into it? Do you want to kick us off or should I? I can get us going if- Oh, I can do it. Never mind. Never mind. I don't want to do the podcast anymore. No, I want to hear Professor R's-

Guys, hey. Reviews. Alfred here. I'm sorry to say that Review Review is losing another host, all because Riley was mean to me. And guess who's joining us? Professor R. Hello hello there it's me shall i read the first review then riley yes please do it professor all right all right um this review comes for the ben and jerry's in Montgomery County, Maryland.

Oh, okay. Sort of just outside DC. Okay. One star. It's turning into Michael Caine. One star from Susan E. Susan Egan, who I think is like a voice in the Disney canon. I was going to say, that definitely rings a bell. Okay, Susan Egan, who I think is like a voice in the Disney canon. I was going to say, that definitely rings a bell.

Okay, Susan Egan. I wonder who she voices. Let's say. I think maybe Meg and like Belle. Meg? From Hercules. Oh, Megira, yes. Megara.

You only call her. I know her as Megara. Meg is. Who's your favorite Disney character? Probably Megara. You only call her. I know her as Megara. I don't know who Meg is. Who's your favorite Disney character? Probably Megara. Oh my God. From Heracles. Susan Egan.

Yeah. Susan Egan. Oh, fuck. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Wake up. Wake up. I've been up since 5 a.m. Sue me. Okay. Susan Egan. Oh, fuck. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Wake up. Wake up.

I've been up since 5 a.m. Sue me. Okay. Susan Egan says, one star. Ordered one scoop of butter pecan. The pecans were soft and there was a hair in it. Took it back and they replaced it. But this rather put me off i also went to duncan donuts and one of the

ben and jerry's employees was in there trying to arrange a swap with duncan where they would give them pints of cream in exchange for free coffees understandably duncan said no clearly have more integrity wait not understandably that sounds like a dope deal you get free ice cream if we get free coffee if i'm duncan i'm going this is so much a better deal for us than it is for you yes how could i possibly say no like a duncan iced coffee like have it look you're talking from one barista to another. We throw away a lot of coffee in the barista game. Coffee doesn't last forever.

Sometimes it goes bad. You know, it gets stale, it gets boring. You throw it out. We dump so much coffee down the drain in the trade. If somebody came in and was like, I'll give you three pints of ice cream for like half a dozen iced coffees. I'll be like fucking deal because the margins on coffee are so like it's just not like why would you not yeah it's closing down

the lights are low and like she's just peeking around the corner just saying like okay tony i'll i'll tell you what we will give you Five pints of tonight though Yeah the number one best rated Flavor of Ben and Jerry's We will give you five pints of that Just for a couple free cups of coffee A day how does that sound Super easy we can get it done

Oh you busted my boss You busted my boss What are you talking about This is such a better deal for you than it is for us. Are you kidding? Come on. What are we talking about? Free coffees a day in perpetuity.

What does that mean, huh? I never said in perpetuity. I never said that. You're the one who's putting that in my mouth. Yeah, but you didn't specify a time frame. You said free coffees a day. How am I supposed to know? Let's just say until the pints run out, huh?

And then we can renegotiate after that. All right, so give me the numbers one more time. Five pints. They hear a clang in the corner. Oh, my God. Oh, no. Oh, no. You got a rat in here, Tony?

No, exterminator came last week. I'm not talking about an actual rat. I'm talking about you got someone ratting on us? You got someone watching these deals? What the fuck you say to me? The doors are locked, right? You made sure to lock the doors before I came in here. Oh, I don't know.

What do I look like, a locksmith? I'll go check it out. Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god. What do I do? Hiding behind, like trying to just outrun him, like sneaking along behind the counter. Here, ratty, ratty, ratty, rat. Here, ratty, ratty, ratty, rat.

Stands up. Excuse me. Hi, I'm not a rat. Pulls a gun. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Whoa, Tony, what the hell?

I'm sorry. I was startled. What do you have a gun for? What the fuck is wrong with you? It was my startle response. Put your gun away, man. We're in Florida. It's legal.

Chill, chill. I don't care. Put it away. I'm putting it away. I didn't see anything. I didn't hear anything. I promise if you let me go, I swear to God, I won't tell anybody. Tell anybody what?

Oh, no. Oh, she's scared. Sweetheart, you don't have to be scared of nothing. Okay, I know I pulled the gun and that was not the right call, but sweetheart, are you serious right now, man? It's a little demeaning. What? We're in Florida. Right, but she still deserves some respect.

I'm sorry. No, no, no. He can call me whatever he wants. He can call me whatever he wants. I literally, I will not tell anybody. What won't you tell anybody? What won't you tell anybody? What won't you tell anybody? About the backdoor deals.

No, no, no, no. We don't know what you're talking about, backdoor deals. Backdoor deals, that doesn't sound right. Does it sound right to you, man? It doesn't sound right to me. It doesn't sound right to me. Well, that's what I saw, right? With you exchanging the ice cream for the, no, sweetheart.

We're trying to help you here. Again with the sweet- Ma'am! Have a la- Yes? What's it gonna take for you to keep your trap shut? I- I literally- This is the most low-stake thing ever for me. I guess I'm only heightened because it seems like this is a bigger deal. Maybe it's code words for drugs or guns or something.

Whoa, I don't do dope. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You don't do that, man. You have a Glock. You're strapped right now. Yeah, that's for self-defense. I don't do dope, okay? Oh, you don't do dope.

I got no need for coke and speed. Come on, man. No, no, no. We don't do any of that. What do you don't do dope. I got no need for coke and speed. Come on, man. No, no, no. We don't do any of that. What do you take us for? What the hell is wrong with you? I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know anything. I just want to go home to my family. I don't understand anything that's happening. Your family. Oh, you got a family, doll face. Tell us about your family. Oh, sexy lady. No, what?

Tell us about... Oh. What? What? No, it's fine. It's fine. Oh, sexy lady. No, what? What? What? No, it's fine. It's fine. Connie, Jesus. She's an attractive piece of flesh.

Oh, Lisa, what are you? You sound like Shylock right now. A pound of flesh. Shakespeare. My family, I have two daughters. Oh, is there a Mr. Doll face in the picture? Oh, my God. I was scared you were going to say, is there a Mr. Dollface in the picture? Oh, my God. I was scared you were going to say, is there a Mr. Two Daughters?

And I was really nervous. No, we're separated. Oh, so there's an opening for old Donnie over here. Will you shut up and let me handle this? You're going to scare her off. Okay, what do I? My girls need me. They need me home soon. I was just coming to Dunkin' to pick up a couple of donuts for my girls and then bring them back home.

Why did you say so? Why did you say? You could have just said it, sweetheart. I'll get you some donuts. Come over here. Come over to the case. Come over here. Come over to the case. Come over here. Come over to the case.

Okay, okay. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. I don't understand. Why is this such a secret? Why is what you guys...

Why is this like a big deal? Why can't you just give him coffee and you give him ice cream? I don't understand. Why can't... No, wait a minute. You just give me coffee? Okay. And I give you ice cream. Well, it's funny you say that, sexy, sexy ass.

Sorry, that one was a little far. It's funny you say that. That's what I've been trying to convince him of all quarter. Quarter? Quarter? Yeah. Yeah. Like first quarter, quarter second quarter spring break oh like academic quarter do you think of a time in academic quarters donnie you graduated from college about 40 years ago you don't still think about quarters do you i thought everybody

it doesn't matter It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. This is not what we're here for. All I'm saying is, why can't it be as simple as that? Toots has got it right. Okay. Why can't... What's your name again, ma'am?

You never asked, but it's Marion. All right, Marion. Marion, gorgeous name for a gorgeous girl. Stop, I don't want to hear what you're going to say. No, no, no. Marion, let me ask you something. What do you do for work? I'm a, oh my God, I'm a marine biologist.

Okay, perfect. What if somebody- Oh, she's smart. Can you leave this poor woman alone for a second, Donnie? Anyway, Marianne, let's say, what do you like most in this world? What's your favorite? My girls. No, not your girls.

No, what's like an indulgence? Like, you know. Oh, I guess like. You smoke cigarettes? I guess a couple glasses of red wine every now and then. What's your favorite? You like a Merlot? You like a Cab?

Sure, Merlot, whatever. What's the point? Can I just go home? Shush. I have a case of Merlot. I show up to... Is that true? Can you...

Sorry. I show up to your place of work. I say, Hey. Hey, Marion, I got a deal for you. How about I give you this case of Merlot and all I need from you is a cup of seawater. Marion, I got a deal for you. How about I give you this case of Merlot, and all I need from you is a cup of seawater?

That sounds like a great deal. Doesn't it sound... Yeah, right. Doesn't it sound suspiciously good? I mean, I guess it... That's not what's happening here. All I'm saying, Donnie, is the deal's a little suspicious, because you... That's not what's happening here. All I'm saying, Donnie, is the deal's a little suspicious. Because you are getting the short end of the stick. And why would you come to me with a deal?

Took you a minute to land that plane. Okay, Duncan, you know, we open early here. All right, man? Listen, I'm just trying to be a good businessman, okay? If we're right next to each other, I don't want to have to come over and just be like, oh, can I buy a cup of coffee? Like, why can't we just, you scratch my back, I give you ice cream. You know, I don't understand why it needs to be any more complicated.

Yeah, he's right. He's right. God, can I please go? My girls are going to be so worried. What do you have? You got anything? Me? Yeah.

What do you bring to the table, huh? Do I have, I don't want to be part of this. I don't care what you guys are doing. No, and she shouldn't be part of it. What are you talking about? What does she have? I'm just saying she's here. We're all talking.

I have like a pack of Orbit gum in my bag. Okay, Orbit. All right. No, you don't need to make her be part of it. You're mad at me for calling her sexy ass, and that's fair, and that's fine, and I shouldn't have done that. Yeah, even you know that's weird, because you

can't say it with a straight face. Listen, Marion, honey, just, we're just asking you to pretend like you never saw anything. This isn't illegal, so I don't understand why it's a big deal. It's not illegal, no, but is it frowned upon in our line of work? A little bit. It's, uh,

how, how you might say, uh, a little bit, uh, suspicious. A little bit... Someone's unlocking the door. Hey, yo, Tony! I forgot to grab... What the fuck is going on here? What's Donnie from B&J's doing over here?

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Who is this? What's going on? Who the hell is this smart-looking, successful woman? All right. I didn't feel good about it, but I don't know why. Anyway, Pauly. You got something to say to me, Tom?

Yeah, Pauly, I do. Every week, Donnie and Marion, her name is Marion thank you very much, and I get together and we play Dungeons and Dragons that game is so stupid, I mean Marion I love Dungeons and Dragons I'm a big nerd

loser I'm a loser shut up, all we're doing is playing a little game don't tell women to shut up. What the hell's wrong with you, Tony? Paulie, Paulie, Paulie, listen. How long you normally? Seven months.

Feels like no time has gone by. Right, right. Seven months. We're practically brothers. We go way back. You and me, man. We've been through it together. So, I don't know.

Why don't you trust me? Feels like something suspicious is going on in you. Have you ever known me to be suspicious? In all the seven months I've known you. In all the seven months I've known you.

So, Donnie, I guess you're playing a little D&D. Yeah. I love dragons. I've known you. So Donnie, I guess you're playing a little D&D? Yeah. I love... Dragons... and Doomsday. Dungeon. Dungeons and Drag-

Dungeons and Drag-Dragons and- Okay. Obviously that's not what you guys are playing. Look, Polly, I'm just trying to give you guys some ice cream in exchange for coffee. There, I said it. Great, so I can go? No, you're staying. Ice cream in exchange for coffee.

What's the big deal, Polly? Come on, it's just a little tit for tat. A little you scritch my back, I scritch yours. And you were on board with this idea? On board with it. I was okay with it. Well, actually, that's not true. He said that it was a very bad deal.

A bad deal? No, a bad deal for him, Polly. You see, over here, we get the long end of the straw, because we get the ice cream, which is much more expensive. I thought it was suspicious you see i thought it was oh you got me on marvel mouth now paulie paulie paulie paulie i'm sorry tony listen man you're my brother seven months i've known you months man don't throw that all

away the things we've been through together. But listen, if you're gonna turn down a deal like that, an incredible deal where both of us have an equal thing to gain, then I don't know if I can trust you with these thinking donuts. But they're not equal! It's suspicion! You're fired, man. Get out of here.

You serious? Yeah, I'm serious. Oh, hell yeah. That's great for me. What the hell? You get out of here, too. What the hell are you doing? I'm going.

I'm going. I'm leaving tonight, though. All right, Marion. Let's get out of here. We're not welcome anymore. I'm not going with you. Marion, come on. Let's get out of here.

Hey, let go of her. You've treated me the most respectfully all evening no what no i did that no you told me to shush yeah you don't talk to women like she was being annoying oh this is classic this is classic nice guy you know all i'm trying to do is look out for the girl, look out for me, everybody. Were you about to say nice guys finish last? No, I'm just saying it's kind of interesting, isn't it? Takes out your gun, shoots you in the foot.

Fuck! With your own gun. Ah! Kind of shot yourself in the foot with that one, huh? No, fuck. That, oh! Ugh, look. Pauly, Pauly, Pauly, Pauly, Pauly, please. No. Fuck. Oh. Look. Pauly. Pauly. Pauly. Pauly. Pauly. Please. What? Please.

I need this job, man. Go to a different Duncan. You're qualified. Alright. I'll go. Come on, Marion. Let's get out of here. I'm not leaving with you. Fuck you. I never liked you anyway.

Other foot. Fuck. So the deal was done. So. So I guess they did the deal. I guess much like Angela Bassett. They did the thing. That joke won't age like fucking spoiled milk by the time this comes out.

Let's take a break angela bassett took a break and then she came back to read a review i'll'll go... Ben & Jerry's, my review. This is for a Ben & Jerry's in Bend, Oregon. Bend, Oregon, home of the final Blockbuster video. Really? Yep, the only one still open is in Bend, Oregon. Although I think the pandemic might have killed them. I can't remember. This is five stars from Megan S.

Megan S. That is going to be Megira. Megara. Her name's already Megan. Megara, servant of Aphrodite. Oh my God, you're foul. This is five stars from Megara, servant of Aphrodite. Five stars.

We ordered delivery through Grubhub. They were out of half-baked, but put one together for us by mixing two flavors. Then offered reparations, parentheses, a cookie and a brownie. A really endearing gesture. Really sweet people and great customer service. And then she attached a photo of the carton,

and there's a message written on it. And it's quite long. Can you read it to me? It's written in Sharpie. Yes. On the top of the carton. It says, I'm so sorry. We ran out of our half baked. So this guy is a cookie dough, chocolate fudge, brownie mix, which is what our half baked is.

Again, super sorry. And a heart. It's very sweet. It just felt like so much for like, it's all good oh thank you for mixing those flavors and like the longest message written on the top of a carton it's just like shit like that makes me feel like a like a bad uh like a bad person how's that because i'd never do that. We're out of the half-baked.

I don't know. Try cookie dough. It's a popular flavor. It's... When I saw that, I imagined, like, all the different messages. Like, how long and for what reason

messages could be written on the top of a carton like that. Hey, babe. Oh, hi, honey. How was your day? I am beat. I'm tired. You're beat?

Oh, my God. Was Christopher just, like, the worst at work again? Yeah, we got some bad news about the station. Oh, shoot. What happened? You know, I get it. Like, none of us are taking it well, but, you know, I, but you know how I feel. I don't think Chris handled it. I don't think the way he handled it was appropriate, is what I'll say. What did he do?

Well, I was in the middle of my show. I was in the middle of my half hour. Your radio hour. Yeah, my half hour radio hour. The half hour hour, yes. My half hour radio hour, live on the air, pre-recorded. And he came into the booth, went on mic, and he said, this show sucks. this guy sucks. If anyone should be laid off, it's this guy and his shitty show

that no one listens to. That's horrible, John. Then he went on further and he said, seriously, if anyone thinks this guy shouldn't be fired just call the station and we'll put you on air and nobody oh john i'm so sorry god well you know what how about we cheer you up how about we get you some ice cream okay oh come on you know i love that but should i'm not sure we should really be making purchases like that. It'll be on me.

Are you serious? Of course. Of course. Yes. Here. I'll put in a little order. I know you love your Cherry Garcia. I do.

Aw. Cut to five minutes later. Uh-oh. Shoot. Honey, to make a bad day worse, they're out of Cherry Garcia. Oh, that's okay. We don't need to get it. Maybe it's a sign.

We don't need to. They said that they'd mix a couple flavors around and make it work. That's really sweet. Sure, whatever they get. I mean, hey, you're the one paying, sugar mama. Yes. Carton comes. Oh.

Whoa. This is for you the top of the carton says not for lacy's eyes john only huh i guess i'll do you mind turning around just so turning around I could just close my eyes. Yeah, I... You can cheat. I would feel more comfortable if you turned around. Okay, well can you read it out loud? Yeah, once I've skimmed it. Okay. Okay, I'll read it.

I'll read it to you. Dear John... They wrote you a letter i mean i mean they wrote me a they wrote me an ice cream lid dear john i was listening to your show today and i heard you're a fan. And I heard what Chris did. Hmm. And while I felt bad for you, he's right. You show shit. You have no taste in music. You're not funny. Nobody likes when your show is on. Lacey is having an affair.

What the hell? And she was going gonna tell you tonight, but then when she heard how bad your day was, she couldn't bring herself to. Is this on? I mean, I won't turn around, but is this actually on the carton? Just thought you should know.

P.S. She probably won't even try and deny it. There's no way this is actually on the carton. Let me see that. Here you go. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Lacey.

This is crazy. No, I don't know how anyone could possibly even know all of this. What? I mean, you don't believe this, do you? Who cares how they know? You are so dejected so quickly. You're not even going to ask me. You're not going to believe me?

Are you for real? Is it real, L real? Is it real, lace? Is it real? John, I can't believe you're even asking me that. My sweet lace, my lace stocking. My little lace, lacy lace stocking. My little ribbon and lace. Is it true?

Have you done me rotten? I just don't know how they would know. Whom? I didn't want to tell you like this because you've had such a bad day. And you can obviously feel that we've been growing apart for months, haven't you? These past seven months have been really, really tough.

Yeah, but I just figured, you know, everyone has rough patches. Nothing we can't work through. It's Christopher. Christopher? Who's Christopher? Chris. Chris from the station? That's the most energy I've seen out of you in seven months.

God! This is the kind of... Hold on. I don't know why there's another delivery at the door. One second. I fucking hate you. Come back. Oh.

This carton's for me. I... Looking around. Hello? Give me that. Give me that. I didn't order... It says for Lacey's eyes only.

You turn around. I'll close my eyes. Just read it lacy's eyes only you turn around i'll close my eyes just read it no oh you're gonna cheat oh turn around oh i'm gonna cheat oh shut up i'm gonna cheat that's interesting john cheater this one says this one's cheater lacy this one says to dear lacy congratulations on admitting your carnal sin. What the fuck? Carnal? As a gift for your honesty, here's a free pint of fish food. No, it says carnal. Oh, carnal sin.

Sounds like it could be a Ben and Jerry's flavor. John, shut up. Here's a free pint of fish food because soon John will have you sleeping with the fishes. John's been planning your murder for months. What? And he was gonna do

it tonight if he wasn't so upset about you cheating on him? What? What the hell? No. Who's doing this? You wrote that. I didn't write that. You went in the hallway with a marker and you wrote that. I've been with you the whole time, you idiot. I've been standing here with you. When would I have written that?

I don't know. When I turned around with my back turned. You made me turn around my back. I made you turn around when I got it from outside, from whoever is sending these messages. Okay, fine. Yeah, I was gonna kill you, but you cheated on me. We're even, I guess.

But you didn't even know until tonight that I had done that. So what had I done that you were planning to kill me for? Well, you were just a little... You'd been acting a little suspicious. And so you were gonna kill me instead of having a conversation? Well, I tried to have a conversation, Lacey.

My little LASIK. Stop it. My little corrective eye surgery. I'm not your little LASIK eye surgery. I'm not your lace stocking. I'm not your sweet Lacey bra. That's done. Not any of those things. Come on, Laceifer. Laceifer, sweetie. I'm not your Lacey bra. That's done. Not any of those things.

Come on, Lace-a-fur. Lace-a-fur, sweetie. I thought you're Lace-a-fur. I think it's time. I think maybe we can get out of this safely. I think neither of us keeps the house. I think we just- No way.

Both leave. What do you mean no way? No way. You're getting out of this alive. What the fuck? Sorry, queen. Another carton. Ding dong.

Oh my god, who's doing this? I'll get this one, in case it's a robber. Why would there be a robber? I'm more scared of you. You're scared of me? Yes, obviously. If you were so scared of me, why would you go around and f- and then f- f- f- mess around with some guy? Can't even say fuck.

F- This is why I cheated. No, you- Ugh. This one says it's for me. Turn around. No. We're past that.

Turn around. What does it say? Put this plastic bag on your head, at least. No, absolutely not. What does it say? Put this plastic bag on your head at least. No, absolutely not. What does it say? Fine, I'll just read it. Dear John, You've probably realized by now, Lacey knows about your plan to murder her.

I'm sorry I had to tell her, but I just couldn't let her murder beyond my conscience is all. Anyway, thought you deserve a heads up. Chris is on his way over. If I were you, I'd get out of there fast. He thinks he's getting some tonight. And he'll be pretty disappointed to see you standing there. This is all on the top of the carton? P.S. There's a loaded gun in your bedside table.

I put it there this morning. Who's doing this? Use it however you like. My God. Is there even any ice cream in that carton? Is there any ice cream in there even? Opens it up. There's just, um...

Bullets. It's just full of bullets. Loose bullets. Dozens of them. We look at each other. I immediately start sprinting up the stairs. Throwing things down.

Ow! Not our photos. You look like shit in them anyway. I knew I shouldn't have let you go to Pilates. You're too fit. You're getting up the stairs. Oh god, our house is so big. We're

so rich. This is what we get for having vaulted ceilings in every floor. Oh, I'm getting a cramp, I'm getting a cramp. I'm getting a cramp. What the hell was that? I was mocking you, but I think I sounded like a goose. Oh, God. You sounded like Nelson from The Simpsons.

Okay. Okay, wait. He blocks the door. What? Before we go in there. Are you kidding me? Before we go in there. What?

What if we just called this off? What if we called the whole thing off? You and I, we just went our separate ways tonight. We didn't- nobody had to die. I tried suggesting that earlier, and you said you're never getting out of this alive. Yeah, but that was before. Before what? Before I knew they were watching us.

Whoever wrote those letters has too much info. They're not going to let any of us get away with murder. Especially me. Why especially you? Lightning doesn't strike twice, you know? What? Get lucky. Get away with something once.

Where's Christopher? You can't do it again. Where's Christopher? Let's just say The carton said he was coming over Yeah Let's just say he got his fish food A little earlier tonight

Ding dong I'll go get this carton Don't get the gun Run all the way downstairs Takes five minutes to get back to the foyer. I follow you. I fall on the first step. Oh, fuck.

Oh, my God. This carton is soaked in blood. Maybe it's just strawberry syrup. Dear Lacey, I know what you're thinking. This might be strawberry syrup. Oh, my God. But it's not. It's strawberry syrup. Oh, my God. But it's not. It's Christopher syrup.

Oh, my God. It's a Christopher base with Christopher chunks and a Christopher syrup drizzle. Holy shit, Christopher's in here. Oh, my God. They managed to cut him up so tiny into such a tiny carton. What did you do? I didn't do that, I swear. When I left him, he was intact. He wasn't ice cream.

When you left him, he was intact. Why did you have to kill him before you even knew I was sleeping with him? Because every day I'd go into the station, I'd bring my stack of records with me and I'd be ready to spin them and he would be there with that shit-eating grin on his fucking face. Yeah, I said fuck. Yeah,

you did. Yeah, and he'd be there. Say it again. Yeah, fuck, he'd be there just fucking grinning at me and talking shit and I just had it. After we found out we were getting laid off today, I just couldn't take it anymore. So I killed him. I took a microphone and I hit him with it.

In the fucking face. Was it the one where that was padded? Yeah, it had a big cushiony thing on the end. Yeah, I don't know the word. I know I work in radio. I should know the word, but I don't. John, John, stop. John, this is the most fire I've seen in you in the past

12 years and 7 months. You've never been more attractive. Like, holding the carton blood seeping down my arms. You've never been more attractive to Like, holding the carton blood seeping down my arms. You've never been more attractive to me than you have right now. You're just saying that so I don't murder you. Maybe a little bit, but mostly no.

You mean that? Yes. Now how about... We eat some ice cream, you don't kill me, I don't kill you. We have sex one last time. One last time? And then part ways. Oh.

I thought you were gonna say we should get back together. No, no, I don't want you killed a man. So did you. No, I didn't. Oh, my bad. I guess I got muddled. I think I hit my head in that fall. Okay.

Do you want to eat some ice cream? No, let's just skip to the sex. Okay. Do we have time for another review? As fucked in the head as it might be to say, I think so. This is for the Ben and Jerry's ice cream store in the basement of 30 Rockefeller Center in New York. I love it. Amazing.

So just when I read you this review, picture Liz Lemon is writing it. Okay, so this is from Victor... Garber. Victor Garber. Three stars. Okay, so this is from Victor Garber. Victor Garber. Three stars. Very loud hip-hop music ruins the vibe. I don't want to hear the

in-depth stories of Nicki Minaj in the bedroom or being a hardcore gangster while I on a cute ice cream date every table was filthy no napkins or spoons

ice cream is good price is okay no spoons no spoons no spoons at an ice cream shop that's like hope you didn't get a cupcake you're fucked what I don't need to hear about nicki minaj in the bedroom in the bedroom or doing hardcore gangster shit it's like oh my god

wow nathan thank you so much for taking me to ben and jerry's i haven't been here since i was a kid gee golly i thought you might appreciate her. Yeah, I mean, this is just such a sweet, sweet treat. So I really appreciate it. You know, in the past seven months that we've been seeing each other, this is really sweet and just unexpected and simple and I love it.

Anything for my anything but simple girl. Music playing over the speakers. I love being outside. And when I'm outside, I'm having sex. Oh, my. Oh, I love this song. What? Tiffany, did you hear that?

Your voice just changed drastically. Sorry, I got very upset all of a sudden. There is a serious problem here. What? The music's not loud enough? I love this song. Not loud enough? Tiffany!

When I have sex outside I love that people might be watching me People might be watching me I love this one. You don't mean that. What do you mean I don't mean that? You want that? Huh? You'd like it if you and I had sex outside?

What? Nathan, stop! You'd like that? Nathan! Oh, and I thought you were good. And I thought you were good. Whoa. Whoa, stop. You like that? Nathan, I'm just saying I like the song. And I thought you were good. Whoa. Whoa.

Nathan, I'm just saying this is a really catchy song. Just because you like a song doesn't mean I want to do everything in the song. I like playing peek-a-boo when I have sex outside. And when the pastures by come around the tree, say, ooh, are you gonna look at me? You're telling me you don't think the song is catchy as hell? Catchy? Tiffany, do you hear yourself? There's barely a tune, first of all. It's just sort of a woman riffing a cappella.

And all she's talking about is her weird sexual proclivities. So no, I don't think it's very good at all. Feeling the pine tree up against my back. Tiffany! Oh, I want to give my mom a heart attack. Why would your mother be there? Tiffany, why would her mother be there? Nathan, I don't know why you're taking it so seriously.

It's just a song. Songs'm going to say something to them. Songs are like poetry. I'm going to say something to them. No, do not, Nathan. That's so embarrassing. Excuse me. They're all singing along. Excuse me.

The police come and arrest me for indecent exposure in my dreams. In my dreams. They haven't done it yet. Excuse me. Yes, sir. Would you mind turning this vulgarity down? Turning it down? This is the top of the charts.

This is the song everyone wants to hear. Well, everyone must be- It's called Looky Lou by Lord. Well, then this Lord must be doing significant drugs because there's no way that a sober person could write such filth. What is wrong with you, man? I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. This is my day. Actually, I don't know what we are, but Nathan, you're being, I hate throwing this word around, but you're being crazy. You know what we are, Tiffany? What happens when we're outside in the grass

is sometimes the grass will rub against my ass. And I'll think everybody's watching me. Everybody. The whole restaurant. Everybody's watching me. You know what we are? What? We are exes.

Goodbye and goodnight. I'm going to start my own ice cream shop. One where we only play good music. Cut to him recording music in the studio. Okay. Listen, man, you only rented the space for 30 minutes and so you spent the past 20 of them warming up. So we have to get the tape now.

Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. All right, and that's enough. It's time to start. We gotta lay down the first track. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. All right, and that's enough. It's time to start. We gotta lay down the first track. All right, all right, all right. This one is called When I'm Outside. Okay, and go. When I'm outside.

Wait, whoa, whoa, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. This sounds a lot like Looky Lou by Lorde. It's not that. It's very different. That song is vulgarity. Okay, then start again. Sorry, man. Jesus.

All right, and we're rolling. When I'm outside and I'm in the grass, I like to talk to my mom. And I like to be respectful of women. And I never do drugs when I'm outside. And I certainly don't have premarital sex. Because that would be a sin. And I'm a good boy. And when I feel the pine cones on my clothed body

I'm glad that nobody can see me cause I'm a good boy what did you what did you think I think you're a little freak I think you love having sex outside. What? And doing drugs.

That's the opposite of the song. Oh. People only write about things that they want to do, not that they are doing. So you saying that, I mean, it's like Lady Death Protests Too Much kind of. Listen, it's your song, but I think you're a little freak.

I'm not saying it's a bad thing. No, I'm appreciating the feedback. I'm trying to write good music for good people. Oh, wait, hold on. Laura's new single just dropped. Let me hear it. Oh no, I'm appreciating the feedback. I'm trying to write good music for good people. Oh wait, hold on. Laura's new single just dropped. What? Let me hear it. It's called At a Party. Play it through the speakers. Do you want to hear it? Yeah, play it through into the booth. Okay. When I'm at

a party, I'm on all sorts of drugs, and I'm flashing my boobies on Snapchat but no one wants to look at them so the view count is very low

very low oh this is good this is vulgarity and I don't even buy it because I think if Lorde put her her breasts on Snapchat that everybody would look at them I know I wouldn't, but other people would.

Lay down another track. I'm going to record a rebuttal. Okay, there we go. When I'm at your party and I'm only wearing all my clothes And everybody can tell I'm wearing so many layers of clothing Then they are gonna be never horny around me And I will never see anybody's

Never gonna see anybody's never gonna see anybody's breasts cause that would be bad and I'm a good boy good boy good boy when I'm at a party cut to the Grammys and the winner of

record of the year is Good Boy. I'm here. I'm here. I'm here. No one's clapping. You love me. You really love me. First of all, I'd like to thank

my ex Tiffany for breaking up with me and giving me the material that I wrote about on this album someone shouts out to you never saw her boobs no sorry not to

not to drop my performance persona, but no. I never saw her boobs, and that's not a bad thing. We agree, that's fine. And I never had sex outside either, despite the rancid rumors that have been around i only ever have sex inside and i've never

seen breasts this isn't this isn't my what shook me all week long. This isn't my what shook me, but I've noticed it's like we had a gross episode a couple weeks ago. Then we had a violent one where there was just a lot of killing generally.

And then this one had a lot of guns in it. Well, in the Ben and Jerry's storefront app, which I think is interesting. I mean, it's a shoe fence. I have a What Shook Me. First time for everything. What's been shaking me is the... I fell into a TikTok hole about the Disney College program.

The what? And I'm fascinated by it and it's scared of it. The DCP, the Disney College Program. The Disney College Program is exactly what it sounds like, where it's like you take a couple months, you leave college and you go do, you work at a Disney park in Florida. And they also do Disney University.

I can't imagine what they're learning there, but you're not getting paid. You're just, it's like unpaid labor for the parks. What? And it's kind of like an internship but you get to go why would you do that be a be part of the parks you get in the park for free you live like at disney and then you do college i don't know if they account for college credit and you also have to pay to be there you pay rent to live in the dorms i don't understand and maybe if you've done it maybe i'm talking out of my ass. That's like the gist of what I've gotten from my TikTok scrolling.

But it's consuming me and I have to know more because also I forget who said it, but that they thought that I had been part of the Disney College program and I was like, no. Just based on vibe or? Vibe, yeah.

But yeah, I guess it's just like, that that is so i can't wrap my head around it i i i guess it's like if you really love it and want to be in the parks for free or just but if you really love it you can just go get a job at disneyland and they'll pay you to be there. And you both, it's like the idea, it's like, you're not really getting there to be at the park for free. You're getting to be at the park in exchange for your labor. You have to pay to live there. I don't,

I don't know. That all sounds very sinister. Yes, it's really, I'm just curious about it. Anyway, that's been what's shaking me because it's like, I saw on my free page, like a video came up of like day in my life at Disney college program. really, I'm just curious about it. Anyway, that's been what's shaking me. Because it's like, I saw on my free page,

a video came up of like, day in my life at Disney College Program. And then I'm like, I have to know more about this. So then I just like was scrolling under the hashtag DCP. And I'm like, whoa. And so now I'm deep in it. That's what Batman calls his member. What's been shaking me?

Oh God, I hate member worse than I hate DCP. What's been shaking me is March Madness. And by the time this episode comes out at the end of May. Yeah, I know. It's fucking May. But when we're recording it, we're in the midst of March Madness. Okay. And I love it.

I love it. It's my favorite time of year. I mean, that's not true, but I like that there's something to make this what's already a terrible time of year better because in Chicago, it's still gray and cold and wet. And I get to just tuck in and watch a little basketball when we're done recording today. You know what I'm going to do? Watch basketball. I'm going to watch basketball, you know what I'm going to do? Watch basketball. I'm going to watch basketball.

And yeah, I've lost money. Yeah, I've lost money on it. I'm not good at predicting anything. I don't really understand basketball. Not the intricacies of it, not the strategy,

but it's fun to watch and it's fun to lose money so i guess what's been shaking me is if anyone wants to take alf's money robin blind let me know and i'll demo you so when you say venmo me you mean like find you on demo and you can give them money yeah venmo me that's how everyone uses that phrase it means like friend me on Venmo you can find Alfred probably on Venmo but you can really find him on Instagram at AlfredInIt you can find the show on Instagram at ReviewReview

Reddit r slash ReviewReview and the ReviewReview Discord and you can find Riley on Twitter.com no oh fuck I did it the wrong order it's okay you can't find me on Twitter no you can find Riley on Twitter.com. No. Oh, fuck. I did it the wrong order. I did it the wrong order. I did it the wrong order.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. No, you can't find her. You can't. You can find Riley on Instagram.com. Just the web browser, not the phone app. At Riley and Spa.

And on Twitter.com for as long as it lasts. At Riley Coyote. And as we say. Every week we dooyote. And as we say. Every week, we do say this. Every week, we say this. When I'm outside. I. I.

Why. Why. Why. Why What We'll see you next time When I'm outside I want Bye Bye When I have sex outside I want... Bye. Bye. When I have sex outside, I love that people might be watching me.

People might be watching me. That was a Hiddem Original.