Review Revue - Black Lives Matter

Episode Date: June 9, 2020

Reilly and Geoff discuss Black Lives Matter and offer some ways to help, then they take a crack at an amazing fan-submitted review. Please see the below links to donate!NAACP Legal Defense FundReclaim the BlockThe Bail ProjectFollow Reilly and Geoff:IG: @reillyanspaugh & @iamgeoffreyjamesTwitter: @reilecoyote & @dontplaynojamesSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Get that Angel Reef special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? I'm participating in restaurants for a limited time. Hey, guys.

Welcome to Review Review. It is Riley Anspaugh and Jeffrey James here. Jeff and I had a conversation before we started recording where both of us were like, how do we feel about doing an episode this week when the world is as it is? find organizations and causes to donate to and petitions to sign and places to call just an hour ago jeff and i were like how do we feel about now going into an improv comedy podcast about reviews we find on the internet yeah it's like not even us talking it's us doing characters so it feels insane to be mickey being high at work right um so yeah we just wanted to shout out a couple organizations that riley and i've already both donated to, but that deserve your, um, time, money, everything. One that I have donated to in this past week, um, the NAACP legal fund, um, for those who have already been, uh, wrongfully charged.

Minor crimes. Minor crimes, um, for them to get help through that fund um it's a great great cause jeff you have a couple up yeah i've i donated to several but some of them have specifically said hey we're good why don't you donate to these other people that we know are doing great work um so there's the bail project uh which specifically is good because it's a national revolving bail fund so like it goes to whichever city needs it most so it's dispersed instead of funding millions of dollars into minnesota which a lot of people did which is great uh because that's where obviously george

floyd um was murdered and uh and one of the most corrupt police departments although we constantly hear about oh like the nypd is the most corrupt, all the LAPD, like they're all corrupt. Let's just get that out of the way. Yeah. So every city needs bail money because the United States is, I believe, one of only two countries where you risk imprisonment before your trial. I think the other one is like Papua New Guinea or something crazy in like Southeast Asia. So that's insane. No other Western country has that. As well as Reclaim the Block is the last one that I'd like to plug, which goes towards efforts to defund the Minneapolis Police Department, which I think is the only police department that has that, or the only city whose police department is up for being defunded. But that's why if we can make that happen, which I believe is the answer, other cities can point to that or other mayors can point to that and be like, it worked in Minneapolis. Let's try it here.

We're all working. And if you're not, you should be. Yeah, there is no middle anymore. Like, there's just, there's not. You're either racist or you're not. Like, you know, you're either racist or you're anti-racist. Anti-racist.

It's, there's no middle. And if I encourage anybody who is in the middle to take some sort of action, like, I think we have to, the, my main thing is like, let's not have this be a month of protests or two weeks of protests. And then it just goes back to how it was like,

let's, let's figure out sustainable ways of helping. Also, just jumping back, especially for my white pals. Um, it is very much a case by case thing, but please do not put the emotional labor on the black community to do all this work for you and teach you.

Because it's like we need to be listening to them, but we do not need to be asking them every day. What can we do? What can you do? Because we have all the tools to learn. And they have been telling us what we need to do for years and years and years and there are some black people in our lives and other people's people of color in different situations who are so generous enough to give that time and emotional labor because they want to but do not expect that of them because they are dealing with their with so much more shit than we can imagine well it's it's it's funny like i a friend of mine is uh raising money for this web series that she wants to do. And she was like, I'm writing this Indian American character.

Can we hop on the phone and just talk about your experience growing up in, like, a pretty white place as a brown person? And I was like, of course. And we talked for, like, 30 minutes. It was a great talk. But it was also kind of exhausting to, like back and like talk about times that i've been discriminated against and like it so like imagine that but it's every day while you're trying to deal with like uh as trevor no put it like a breach of social contract in like people in like watching black bodies like being slaughtered all the time and you know that's their you know it's

like you have to mourn for them you have to mourn for everyone in your family and you and you know that's their you know it's like you have to mourn for them you have to mourn for everyone in your family and you and you have to worry about everyone your anxiety goes through the roof and then you suddenly have like well-meaning but like ignorant people calling you and being like hey what can i do it's like just fucking google it like yeah um yeah but at the same time like there's no if you're trying you know you're gonna make some missteps and that's fine yeah that's totally what's worse is not trying at all exactly we are all going to make missteps and that's just part of it and we just got to keep going and everyone needs to take care of themselves even if you're fighting all day every day you gotta breathe and so you know as we move

into the episode i hope that this can this a nice, um, we break for people in the middle of all this. I would encourage everybody who's listening to this. Uh, I think asking people to read a book is a lot, is a lot, uh, no matter what the subject is. Uh, so I'm not going to ask anyone to read a book. If you would like to obviously DM me and I'll, I'll give some recommendations that I'm personally, uh, reading now, But 90 minutes, that's all I'm asking of you. Watch 13th on Netflix. It talks about persecution of black people in America from the end of slavery till now. And it really contextualizes not just the policing of minorities, but mass incarceration in for-profit prisons.

And why it's literally so corrupt like it's not a conspiracy it's non-partisan as much as it can be it digs it more into bill clinton than it does into any other republican president and rightfully so um but it's it's it's an hour and 28 minutes like you can give that and if you do one thing watch that because that because it'll reshape how you view some of this stuff. Yes. Thank you for that, Rack. Let's start the show. So thank you guys for listening to that.

I hope we give you some laughs. It'll be a little shorter ep. And this is a review from – you know what? We'll do the theme song now. Thank you for listening. Let's have a laugh. I just want a review. Come on. No, I'm serious. I seriously seriously just want one review can we just do it i need to

fine fine Proud and real You make me wanna go Out and steal I just wanna I just wanna It is June 5th, Friday. Happy birthday, Breonna Taylor. Shout out. Happy birthday, Breonna Taylor. A block from my...

I shouldn't say that. Never mind. Never mind. I'm not gonna say where I live. With the inflection on the I, it's like, I'll give you your address. I'm not going to say where I live. If you could just say... I mean, you could give them the general area of where you live.

Los Angeles? Okay, but like neighborhood? Just neighborhood. I'm not going to zoom in. Nope. What's the street? Because the street you live on is pretty long. I'm not giving it.

Then we agree. New name alert. Hide. Wide. Hide wide. H-Y-D-E. W-I-D-E. What is this for?

Because the idea is like I would have, okay, so A, I'm tanned to a hide. Leathery skin. One of those Venice locals from the 80s types, right? But also, I'm hiding widely. So you don't know where I am because I could be any number of places, and I've cast a wide net of where I could hide. I'm asking what's this for? I just explained how it was. So is this just your new name now?

Your name is Hidewide? It's just what I want to go by. Like, I want like oh did you see that cat hide wide he was down over at the uh he was at he was at the lyric hyperion that cat hide actually we should take a break and then when we come back we'll do this what do we what a fast turn all right let's take a we'll be back with riley anspaugh and hide wide after this jeff We'll be back with Riley Anspaugh and Jeffrey James. Hide wide. Dirty Rye and hide wide. That's like Jekyll and Hyde wide.

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance hide. Butch Walker, Neil Cassidy, and the Slamdance bunch. A crunch. Hide. Brady in a hat. Wait, let's really figure this out for a second. Okay. Butch Walker, the musician, and Neil Cassidy, the beat.

Was he a poet? I don't know. He drove the bus for the acid test. Butch Walker, Neil Cassidy, and the S Was he a poet? I don't know. He drove the bus for the acid test. Butch Walker, Neil Cassidy, and the slam dance, which is like JV Sundance. Bunch, Brady, or Crunch. Bunch, Brady. Bunch, Brady, a Crunch. Bunch and Crunch.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The show and the bar. And the candy. In a hat. In a lids. In a lid, in a lid. Should we get into our one review for the day? Yes.

So Jeff, please tell us where this review came from. So I realized we've been doing, we've done a lot of things to try and interact with the fans. And also, by the way, shout out the Review Review subreddit. It's tripled in size in the last month or so. And also in activity you guys are doing things that are making both of us crack up uh it's just been a lot of fun and we would like to keep it going let us know how you would like us to to interact as well like is there any something we could be doing is it live streams is it uh zoom anything like something that we

could be doing in quarantine to kind of connect with you guys that's a great that's a great idea um so something we said towards the very beginning of this which is insane that it's been almost half a year but uh was people sending in their own reviews and we'd read it on the show we haven't done that once perfect uh so we thought that instead of having an episode theme today we could just read uh one review that we have from the inbox, and this was the best one that I saw. This is from Gloria Han, and she sent this on April 14th, so shout out, Gloria. This is a review of Kleenexes. The title is A Mother's Struggle. I want to start this off by thanking Kleenex for selling these in 36 packs. I put it on subscription, and if they want to start selling a 72 pack, sign me up. I have three reasons for needing this much Kleenex, and their names are Liam, Samuel, and Hank.

This is how it goes in this house. First, the Kleenex disappears. Then it's the toilet paper. Then they go to fabrics. And you don't want it to get there unless you're ready to invest in a five-gallon drum of Febreze. This used to be a good Christian home. But it's not about moral judgment anymore. I'm way beyond that.

I'm in survival mode. If I don't supply absorbent paper products, I'm going to find my dish towels hidden in the basement stiff as aluminum. No, no, no. The other day, I almost cut my hand on a sock. No. I am sorry to speak so frankly, but with three teenage boys, a woman's gotta be practical. And the funny part is, they think they're being sneaky. With their 45-minute showers and a sudden need for privacy,

as if I'm gonna walk in on them journaling, they slink around the house like unfixed cats while I try to announce my location at all times. No one needs to ask me to knock anymore. I knock on the walls. I practically wear a cowbell. I'm not looking to catch anyone by surprise. Believe me. I'm just trying to get through this the other day my husband was watching me unload the groceries and he asked me at all sweetness and light honey what are you doing with all that kleenex i almost knocked him off his goddamn chair oh my god i almost

knocked him off his goddamn chair. Excuse me, sir. Where are the Kleenexes? Or the bounty, just anything paper, observant? We have a whole paper aisle. It's aisle four. That was just there. There was nothing.

There was nothing. So I was wondering if there was anything in the back. Like, maybe you just ran out. There was nothing. You know what? I can check in the back. But with COVID here, I think a lot of the paper goods will be out. Grab you by the collar?

You got to help me, man. This isn't about COVID. Yeah. This is about Liam, Shmuel, and Hank. Why? Let go. I'm sorry. I have three teenage boys, and I need to be practical.

What do you mean? Do they make a lot of mess? Also, I'm getting my manager. You just choked me in a... That's fine. That's fine. That's fine.

Okay, manager comes over. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. AJ, what happened? This woman just choked me out for us being out of bounty. Excuse me. Excuse me, ma'am.

What is wrong with you? Do you have kids? I have a newborn daughter. Okay. Then you don't have to deal with it. The constant come in my house. Okay, man, we're going to have to ask you to leave the Walgreens. Wait.

I also like to imagine if it's just like a women's church discussion group group and like, well, let me tell you, my Stacy has been going on dates. She's 15. Who does she think she is going on dates? If she does not have our permission, she doesn't have a permission. She's been sneaking out of the room. She's been sneaking out of her room. No, that's like that. And I relate to that so much,wyneth because liam he's been

he's been coming on plants so we had a ficus and he basically jacked it into the uh the soil and i said hey that's not gonna fly here mister that's what i kept saying i was like mister uh but it's the same it's like you don't have our permission to do that you know what i mean what um is everybody okay you guys all put your scones down i'm trying to be as supportive as i can as the group leader um i i hesitate to even ask you to elaborate because that's not exactly what i want but i do want to be there for you how do you feel about um this uh uh predicament, sorry, issue, issue, tissue, issue. Sorry, I'm in shock. And thank you so much for asking. Like, I feel like nothing but love from you guys and not shock and judgment.

I don't, I mean, I can't tell them to not. That would be invasive. And I mean, Samuel always says that he's journaling. I opened his journal. He's not journaling. There's nothing. There's doodles. Some of them are,aling. I opened his journal. He's not journaling. There's nothing. There's doodles. Some of them are pretty good.

I'm not going to lie. You checked your son's journal? Okay, that's where you draw the line? They're all coming in various places. Okay, okay. Liam is into plants. Guess what Samuel loves? Air ducts.

The AC? The C stands for cone. Gwen, i'm going to have to ask you i haven't even gotten to hank before you get to hank and i will let you get to hank all right we are all you know i wouldn't call myself a prude but we all are very sensitive ladies and so if you could just change the language a little bit maybe yeah changing the that c word to to something more um more digestible something that uh can be kinder on the ears do you understand no i get that i get that for sure i i'm sorry i just i mean i'm up all night trying to find it's it's been hard to get absorbent paper products as we all all know, even for normal things.

So I've just been... Don't I know it. Thanks. You've got it. What's your name? Sand. Sand? Your name is Sand? Is that short for Sandra?

It is short for Sandra. I've always gone by Sand. All right. We'll get back to you. Hank, and I'm going to try and use softer language, like you said. Thank you. Hank deposits. The group calls this.

Yes, okay. Nocturnal emissions in our septic tank. So Hank comes in the tank. Sorry to say comes. He. Hank comes in the tank. He juices say cones. He He juices his little citrus into a septic. Okay, okay. And he pierced his septum

which again, it's like who do these kids think they are? When I understand. My daughter Belinda also wanted to get her septum pierced and I said well girlfriend if you do it I'm just going to have to do it with you. And as soon as I wanted to get mine done with her, she said, no way, Mom.

I'm not going to have the matching piercing with you. So I got her to not do it. Sand, back me up here. Well, you know, I know I'm older than a lot of you spring chickens. But I have sons of my own and I will say, Gwen, I

unfortunately, I do know what you're going through but in my day we didn't have there wasn't a bounty of bounty either so we had to make do with what I would love to know because this would really

solve my problem sand anything well of course we had to make do with kind of anything we had around the house. I mean, have you designated a piece of cloth of sorts? Something you can reuse. Pulls her sleeve up. A bunch of cuts.

These are our tea towels. I tried to toss them in the wash and they sliced me. They really diced me. I had to go to the ER for this one, which is bad, obviously. I tested negative, don't worry. But the cloth, it's not Roth, as in it's not going to give you a return. Gwen, I am so sorry to hear that.

Gwen, you know, pull your sleeve down, please, Gwen. Those are very jarring and a little confusing. I'm sorry. It's okay. Oh, what's a... No, it shouldn a little confusing. I'm sorry. It's okay. Oh, what's a... No, it shouldn't be confusing. Basically, they were tea towels, like just big rectangles that were ejaculated

on so often and hard that they became stiff and sharp like a wushdorf. Gwen, Gwen, Gwen, if you don't stop with this language, I'm going to have to ask you to leave this women's group discussion group immediately. Limited to limited. Also, are these scones a write-off?

Because I know that we became a small business, so I was just wondering if I could write these off because I paid a hefty penny. And speaking of hefty, grocery bags, or sorry, garbage bags have not been working. Garbage bags have not been working? I'm literally hauling full bags of...

Careful, Gwen. Milk. The entire room. You know what? I don't need this from you guys. I get this enough from my husband. Gwen, Gwen. Well, well, well.

Sorry, who's talking now? Oh, I guess it's me. Gwen, how does he... Okay, yes, no, you can't speak. Thank you, Sand. Okay. And Lena, yes, yes, absolutely Thank you, Sand. Okay. And Lena, yes, yes, absolutely go for it. Okay.

Well, Gwen, how does you, and I think my name's Lisa, which is very confusing because you. Just know your name. Don't think it. So, Gwen, how does your husband feel? He's your partner. He's the love of your life. He's there for you in sickness and in health does he not sharing your struggles during this time he thinks that i'm just not being frugal

with kleenex i mean he really does he sat me down he said hey honey we can't keep spending this much i told him the situation i was about ready to push him off his high chair and he was on a high chair he was on a high horse on a high chair on a high chair or a high chair he was on his up on his high horse in a high chair like but what i'm saying was it a high chair like babies use or just a high chair it was a counter stool sand what are you talking about a baby's high chair back in the day my husband loved to sit on our baby's high chair. Back in the day, my husband loved to sit on our baby's high chair. Where are you from and when? Absolutely, what era are you from? Because you could be 80, you could be 120, you could be 50. You look great, but you talk old. I'm from Anaheim from 1907. Onwards? So you're the oldest person in the world.

You're 113 years old. You're so spry. You don't have a caretaker. Do you live alone? I do. How? Help me. Gwen, have you been able to ask your husband to talk to the boys about his experience being an adolescent?

He did, but I don't like to be privy to that. That's their relationship. I don't want to be privy to that. That's their relationship. I don't want to infringe. We didn't talk about it afterwards. But if anything, it started ramping up after that talk. How so? If it was bad before, if you were carrying hefty bags of, what did you say, milk?

Milk. Milk before, how did it ramp up from that? My husband's been building an above ground pool in the backyard. He needed to fortify some of the joints with glue. I think you know where I'm going. I don't. The above ground pool has been finished for a month and I have not dunked myself in it at all because the joints of each octagonal side wall are fortified with nocturnal emissions.

Sand dies. Oh, there goes Sand. It's okay. It's the second time this month she's done that. She'll come back soon. Holy shit. She's a spry old bird. She'll pop right back.

Oh, there she is. Welcome back. Welcome back. Guess who's back. Back. Back. I do think it's worth a conversation, another conversation with your boys.

I mean, have they been respecting you when you say, you know, have you had a conversation of, if there's a more prudent way to go about this activity. Cut to the conversation. All right, guys, I just wanted to sit you down and... Mom, we're trying to play Zelda. Get out in front of the TV. No, I didn't. Just pause it. Can't you pause it?

I can pause it, but do I want to? No. Nice. Yeah, yeah, that's right, Hank. You tell her. All right, Hank. Come on. No, let's be serious here. She pauses it. Mom, literally, literally just, let's be serious here. She pauses it. Mom, literally. Literally just, I told you not to. Just five minutes.

Dad. Yeah? Mom paused Zelda and I literally told her not to. It was so annoying. Honey, come on. It's Zelda. All right, you're right. You guys play.

Cut back to the next week's meeting it went poor um i couldn't get a word in edgewise because of link the missing link no obviously not sand no way no one knows what you know you're old you don't die you're seemingly invincible not that link from ocarina of time, Zelda, all that stuff. No one knows what I know. Okay, well, you have to go back and try again. Cut to that next one. All right, guys.

Obviously, you finished your video games. I made you guys some ice cream sundaes. Let's just have a little bit of a powwow. Let's wrap, all right? All right. What kind of flavor is this? You just get plain vanilla. I asked for chocolate chunks.

Well, there's a reason to why I chose plain vanilla, and we'll get there. Everyone look down at your bowls. It's plain vanilla ice cream. Remind you of anything? Boring fucking shit. Nice, Hank. Nice, Hank.

That was really good. Hank's not funny. Hank's not funny! You guys laugh at his stuff all the time, it's never good! Sorry. It's supposed to represent our bodily fluids. Ew! Mom! Ew! What the fuck is wrong with you? Dad! Dad! What's up, guys? Mom just not only made us stop playing zelda but she gave us a ball of lukewarm ice cream said there was like our cum honey mom what the fuck is wrong with you that's

would you just shut up i'm with dumb boys every day if you guys are gonna masturbate do it in the shower and let it wash down the drain wash yourselves and then clean yourself afterwards don't do it in your bed where I have to buy Kleenex is it for it all the time and if you do throw it away like a normal human all right don't come into ficuses don't use it as a tool a glue for, for your DIY projects, Roger. Why are you enabling them? Also, and I hate to do this in front of the whole family, but it seems like the only cum that's coming out of any people around here are their sons,

so we should talk about that later tonight. Dad, Mom just fucking pwned you. The dad starts crying. No, honey, I wasn't. No, no, you've made your point. I'll see myself out. I think dad's gonna go angry bowling again. No, you're right, Liam.

He is. He's gonna go bowl and cry while he gutter ball after gutter ball. I'm gonna go talk to him. But guys, just can we agree, clean up after yourselves and don't come over plants? Is that too much to flask? I can try.

But can I ask you something, Mom? Oh, sure. Can you never give us a bowl of melted ice cream again and compare it to our cum? Because that was really fucking strange. I know it was. I'm sorry. I got weird advice from a 113-year-old person named Sand. I love you guys.

Tap, tap, tap on the window. Gwen, how did it go? I've never given you guys tap tap tap on the window gwen how did it go i've never given you my address opens the door i've never given you my address sand what the fuck is this what the fuck sand no you always come back well gwen this time it was real you've done your job and the boys have learned and now I'm free the next meeting guys it's so sad about Sand right I mean we all loved her so much who? the 113 year old

woman who comes to our meetings every week she gave me a ton of advice oh Gwen's pulling our leg again oh Gwen they all laugh very horribly the camera zooms in like the Twilight Zone. Jump scare of Sand's face. A ghost named Sand gave a mother advice

to give melted vanilla ice cream bowls to her sons who are coming over everything as a metaphor for their own semen. The dad gets upset because the mom calls him out in front of her family for not fucking her enough. And then he goes angry. And in the boys hearing that advice, Sand is then freed from her duties.

She had unfinished business. And is able to pass on. Years later, Hank is at an ice cream parlor and he has a flashback. You know what? I'm just gonna go with a classic today. Just give me the old vanilla. Hands in the bowl. Okay, sir. That'll be $3.99.

This isn't my own semen. And chokes on his drink. Excuse me? So fucking good. You turn and Sam's sitting in the corner of the store she smiles she's wearing like a

she's wearing a straw hat and she tips it oh disappears into sand she was sand the whole time disappears into sand. She was sand the whole time. Sand was sand the whole time. Mother Earth's tiny rocks, sand.

Oh, well. Well, we got somewhere. That was a good episode. That was a good episode amidst the tragedy so again if you go to IamJeffreyJames on Instagram or at RileyAntoine on Instagram

or at ReviewReview on Instagram check out the links in our bios you know maybe what we should do is you do NAACP I'll do Reclaim the Block, and then Review Review will do Bail Project so that you don't have

to sort through the card thing because it is kind of cute. Love it. I think that's a great idea. And then even if you can't donate, just please watch 13th

like we said and be kind to yourself, be kind to others, listen, and we'll be back next week, I guess. Thank you guys for listening. We'll see you next week.

That was a HeadGum Podcast.