Review Revue - BONUS FRIDAY: Bumper Stickers

Episode Date: September 25, 2020

In this special BONUS Friday episode, Reilly and Geoff read reviews about Bumper Stickers and discuss Geoff's new house, sympathy pregnancy, and Reilly's Instagram followership.Follow Reilly and Geoff:IG: @reillyanspaugh & @iamgeoffreyjamesTwitter: @reilecoyote & @dontplaynojamesAdvertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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This is a HeadGum Original. This bonus Friday episode is brought to you by Wipers123.com. Wipers123.com is focused on one thing and one thing only, and that's selling premium wiper blades and providing premium service. No matter what you're driving, Wipers123 has a wiper blade that's going to fit your vehicle. Their massive inventory covers 99% of all vehicles on the road right now. Wipers123.com is the only place you can purchase the Typhoon Speedset wiper blades.

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And that was really good singing, actually. That was really good singing. We should make an album. We should start a band! I just wanna rip you I just wanna rip you Another bonus Friday episode Riley it's just us it's just us

we didn't have to do this we did we had to do it it's like a contract thing we have to do it but I'm happy are you? because you're smiling but you look really mad we're here we're here

we're here now this is i can't change it joyful and we're excited and it's for the fans you know what it is actually nice because and i've loved all the guests that we've had recently um yeah but it's it's just it's just us you know it's like it's just us now we can do anything we want we don't have to like talk probes right that's what i was ideally finally because every episode until we had probes done i was like ah i want to spoil survivor so bad i want to like spoil the season and now we can like fully dive into that that was wild that we got probes i remember you texted me and you were like what if jeff probes wanted to do the show and i was like what do you mean you were like, what if Jeff Probst wanted to do the show? And I was like, what do you mean? You're like, for real or for fake? I had never seen Survivor

until two days ago, to be fair. And what do you think? It's like perfect reality television. I mean, it's no Selling Sunset. I finished it. Davina is... Okay. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Y'all, if listeners, if you are currently watching selling sunset and have not finished i need you to just skip ahead keep pressing that 30 seconds fast forward thing until you hear us stop talking about it yeah here's what we're gonna do i'm gonna set a one minute timer and we only you and i only have one minute to talk about it so if you haven't seen selling sunset that's really good uh skip ahead the 15 seconds four times starting right now all right davina is davina is the fucking devil davina is literally satan oh my god that like at the wedding oh that was so fucking rude shocking

that was like i wanted to throw my computer that was she was boxing her emotionally and then like when chrishell left and i just wanted to give her a hug that was awful and like she was doing such a good job being like i'm not gonna i'm not gonna fight back this isn't worth it but then like amanda was like what the fuck and to be the way she's like well i don't think she wants us to be there for her amanda and yeah what are you talking about you also like she just kept kept poking and prodding like it would be like she said something controversial like all right well i don't think so and then she's like what do you get that like do you get why you know there's two sides to every story i'm just like it's like to what end it's like yes obviously this show is unbelievably produced but uh and we're back for those who didn't want spoilers.

And rightfully so. Yeah. Jeff, you're home. Have we recorded since? Have you recorded? We did the HeadGum podcast yesterday, but we haven't done review reviews since I got back to LA.

You're home. I'm homeward bound because this isn't the ultimate house in a way. I was wondering if I should kind of jump ship to a two bedroom on Glendale or in Glendale. Jeff was texting me about like, you know, his new setup, his new place and how excited he was. I'm like, oh my God, it looks so good. And then he literally said, he's like, so I found this listing on Zillow. And I'm like, no.

And he's like, I'm kidding. It was a joke. It was a joke. It was a joke. Perfect. This was like in the hunt for the perfect. You can't say that. You can't say that. Hunt with an H.

Oh my dude. Are you? Oh my God. What do you think it means? What do you think it means? Jeff, you literally can't say like, I can say it, but you can't say it. Say the word you think I'm saying. I didn't say that. I said it but you can't say it say the word you think i'm i didn't say that i said jeffrey stop it stop saying it's the perfect setup i live below george saba uh we have an

episode with him on coming out either in two weeks or three weeks uh But yeah, I have this little studio set up. The walls are carpeted and my halls, they're marketed in a way because I kind of like... I could see you searching. I could see you searching for the word. I can see it happening. I posted the photos on Craigslist and I've gotten a few bites to come see the place. I'm going to give them the wrong address. So they're going to show up. There's no listing agent. There's no leasing agent. There's no lubricating agent because guess what happens? They knock on the front door and it's someone who owns the home answering and being like, what are you talking about? I did not put this home on Zillow. And they're like, well, what about this? They show the photos and it's obviously the photos of this place, not the other

place. And they're like, yeah, that's not here. They try to contact me. The listing's gone. And the email. And in terms of the lubricating agent, they're just going to raw dog the house is what you're saying. They're just going to go and dry, raw dog the house. When I installed the sink at my old place, I learned that plumbing is a verb. So? I'm just saying it's kind of interesting like to use it in a sentence well i was to plumb is to

get the pipes just so is all the oxford dictionary to plumb to get the pipes just so. Yeah. I live in the basement now to the point where you have to leave the main house, go downstairs, pass the laundry room, and then you're kind of at this entrance. I imagine, you know, in a time when it's safe to do so, you bringing a lady home. And if I went and saw that layout, I would think I would be prepping to get murdered. No, for sure.

I would absolutely think that I was walking to my death. It's like, oh, we're at the house. It's like, oh, not quite. And then we keep walking down past the laundry room. I'm like, oh, this is it. I need to call someone. I need to call my mom, tell her I love her. I will say it is spooky at night.

Not my place or the back, but to get there down the side alleyway is dark, and the steps are uneven. So, yeah, I've imagined that exact scenario. And it'll play out exactly as you said. It'd almost be worse if on our way there, if you mention it being like, hey, I'm not gonna kill you. I feel like.

You probably think I'm gonna fucking chop you up into little pieces. No, that's not what's gonna happen. That's not me. That's not me. I'm not that kind of guy. We're gonna have sex. It's gonna be better for me

than it's gonna be for you and you're gonna tell your girlfriends at brunch tomorrow that I was a gentleman. Because guess what? My pillow talk is actually pretty good. I relate to people. I ask them questions about themselves. And what I'll often do is be the bigger spoon.

She's already run away. You're talking like at the laundry machine in the dark. You didn't see her run. Yelling at an LG dryer. You're like, oh, playing hard to get, I see. It's on a super dry cycle. Playing hard to wet, I see. I burned myself on you.

No, I'll often be the bigger spoon and the bigger man. As in like my ex is dating someone new and I'm not going to, I'm going to respect him. I'm going to shake his hand if I meet him at a gathering, magic or otherwise. Is this real? No, it's not. Oh, okay. I was curious. I was like, ooh, tea.

Okay. You think I would tell the tea on the show and not to you specifically? Well, you know, you could make the make the argument hey save it for the pod save my personal life my deeply personal life for the pod even if i had like the perfect setup and it was like bright and well designed and like inviting and warm welcoming uh-huh same thing would happen same thing would happen it doesn't like i think that's the point is that it's like it doesn't have to be dark and sinister and treacherous it's just like you know with what it is that's what it would be any time of day it's hard you know yeah it's like yeah yeah it's um because you try like so hard to be interesting and you know go on adventures and

get the photos of the adventures but it it it comes across naturally i think like it seems organic um but i'll go on a hike i'll go to a national park i'll get the photo at the park so that i can put it on hinge um i think that's the thing is that you try you do things that you think people will find interesting instead of just doing it because you like to do it. Do you know what your interests are? Like now even thinking about how they come across, but it's like, what do you enjoy? I'm going to try my best to answer this question. Um, no, don't try hard.

Just say what you like. I like things that make me look active. Yeah, there it is. And then my hobbies are things that make me appear to. Yeah, there it is. And then my hobbies are things that make me appear to be kind of affable. So you couldn't name one thing. I named two things. Right.

But you said, I like things that make me appear like this or look like this. Yeah. Well, how would you... How do you find out what things you like? I just try different things. And if I like it, then I keep look like this okay yeah well how would you yeah how do you find out what things like um yeah you like just try different things and and if i like it then i keep doing it if i don't then i do

something else and then people kind of doesn't matter what doesn't matter like i like going for walks around my neighborhood around like six or seven no i actually like no no no from an instagram ad nope i actually i don't buy things from instagram ads i it's more that i just like doing it because it makes me feel nice and i have fun with that time maybe i'll listen to a podcast or music or whatever or just or just walk and pod save america and then you get the bumper sticker for your friend of the pod and then people think oh he's well informed was that your tie-in of today's was that your tie-in for today's episode it wasn't but that's actually perfect we're talking about bumper stickers finally people y'all have been waiting for this y'all have been asking for it everyone's been clamoring this is the episode

everyone has been waiting for. This is it. You have the Ariana Grande sweater pulled past your arm ankle. You look like Mia Weinberg. Wet your throat. Do you have any bumper stickers, Ainspa? I've only seen... No.

Okay. do you have any bumper stickers in spa I've only seen no I never had any bumper stickers but I had I mean this isn't the same thing I was gonna say like in college I would I was a fan of redbubble.com and I would get stickers for my laptop that's not the same thing at all it's not the same thing at all but when's not the same thing at all. But when I was in college, I didn't have a car.

I took the train everywhere. I was in Boston, so I walked or took the train. And so for me, it was like the equivalent of a bumper sticker because my computer was with me most places I went. But no, I don't have... I've never been interested in having one. Sure. I find that they're either too aggressive or really, really cheesy.

Sure. And I, yeah, I think the difference for me between like a car bumper sticker and like stickers you put on your computer is that it's like, you know, when I had stickers on my computer, it was things that I was interested in, you know, or just like little things that I thought were cool or cute or funny or whatever. And so when I would open my computer, it would probably be around people who know me or, you know, even if it's in public, you're not paying too much attention. But it's like if I'm hanging out with you, I open my computer and you're be around people who know me or you know even it's in public you're not paying too much attention but it's like if i'm hanging out with you i open my computer and you're like oh there's a sticker for you know whatever if it's like a john milaney quote or

something like that it's like oh that's what she likes but it's like if i'm out on the street i don't need people to see that why does that make sense i don't need a random accountant on the 405 to look at my car and know my interests that's not something that matters to me you don't need a random accountant on the 405 to look at my car and know my interests. That's not something that matters to me. You don't want to. It's about broadcasting. Yeah. Yeah.

I have a bumper sticker. You do? Yeah, I just put it on my car like the other day. What is it? It's a. Sounds so dumb saying it. It uh is this real is this real that's real okay okay what is it's a grateful dead um steal your face i knew it um i also have one yeah tattooed on my calves you didn't you don't have a tattoo on your calf. I drew it. You drew it, but you don't have it.

To test it out, to see if I like the design. So you did put a Grateful Dead sticker on your car. Just the one. And then we'll see if I keep adding from there. The thing is, I always love old Subaru SUVs who kind of have seen the test. Stood the test of time. Stood the test of time, yeah.

And I used to have my old Jeep, which would have been my old jeep cherokee that would have been great for bumper stickers prime for stickers and i didn't do it because i knew i would sell it at some point this this rav this this this that that fat rav is uh it's gonna be around for a while probably at least 10 years so i'm like let me make it my own in a way i want it to be around for a while probably at least 10 years so i'm like let me make it my own in a way i want it to be a home for me you want to live in your car which is fine i have to live in my car at a certain point because i cannot afford this place you just moved there and you're like i'm gonna be here for a while and now you're like you and i worked out that deal and i know that you told me not to tell other people about it and i don't quite know why but I will say it on there now is that we worked out the deal that you kind

of get 100% of the ad revenue um just you know I think what did you say you said that just because it'll just fit your like our brand you know like I said I said it would fit the brand I did say it was better optics yeah that was what you said better optics and I obviously have chronic dry eye so for me anything that's going to be better optics i need um so you got the entire like lump sum of a couple thousand dollars the other day yeah i did default on my car payments so the car is actually gone and then i'm gonna be evicted at a certain point because george and justin can't uh yeah they can't afford like my line my shit on top of their rent and

selling clothes selling equipment that I had for making videos and podcasts and I did something like guitar obviously one of my most prized positions but you have to admit that your savings are going to be gone and depleted at some point and so

you have to admit I can't are going to be gone and depleted at some point. And so... You have to admit. I can't. We should take a break, Marty. Riley, what's... I hesitate to even ask this, but what's the best part about ghosting someone? The best part about ghosting... Being all wishy-washy.

Oh my God. Wipers123.com shares these values. That's right. The values of ghosting someone? Well, maybe not that because they're actually only focused on one thing and that's actually selling premium wiper blades and providing premium service. But I can't help but feel that because they sponsor me, they're kind of empowering me and giving me the tools to just

not ever respond to hinge dates. So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to take this audio and I am going to put it online. So everyone that you have ghosted, and you do it a lot because it's very like you to do that, so they will know that you weren't just like, oh, sorry, life's been crazy, haven't checked my phone in a while. They will know that it's because no, even do that so they will know that that you weren't just like oh sorry life's

been crazy haven't checked my phone in a while they will know that it's because no even though you might find a connection no matter what you're driving wipers one two three has a wiper blade it's gonna fit your vehicle their massive inventory covers 99 of all vehicles on the road right now and guess what this isn't an apology 99 of all people in the world aren't good enough for me right now on the road. So you can't say this to someone as an excuse for ghosting them. You just can't. Let me run this by you. Let's say I don't ghost them. This is what I say to them

to kind of break it to them that I don't want to keep dating them. Okay. I've had the most fun with you. I can't wait to see what our future holds. And it won't hold because something's going to give. That's really funny. That's a good pun. It's not a joke. You're part of the 99%.

You're part of the 99%. Aren't we all? People who aren't good enough for me. You're done, sweetie. Get out of here. Oh! Of course! Don't call me sweetie

and then tell me to get out of my own house. You get out of here. Wipers123.com is the only place you can purchase the Typhoon Speed Set wiper blades. And that can be the consolation prize, you know, for these women that I just kind of don't see a future with. So I'll give them the blades. Obviously, I'll guarantee that they'll have them installed in less than 30 seconds. So you're like, I'm not going to propose to you, but I propose that you clean your windshield. Get down on one knee, open a tiny ring box,

but somehow an entire set of wiper blades comes out. I'm breaking up with you, and you got to install these blades. The Typhoon Speed set wiper blades are American-made, all-weather premium beam blades that feature quick-click technology. And unless we're quick to click on a date oh that's good she's not the woman for me that's really good the latter half you kind of trailed off a little bit but quick to click was really good unless we're quick to click then she's not the woman for me that's a bumper sticker that i want it's so long yeah upgrade your wipers now by going to wipers123.com

and using promo code REVIEW that's R-E-V-I-E-W to get $10 off your order of the Typhoon speed set wiper blade and guess what I'm single and looking to thringle what's thringle? that's mingling with three people and sort of

narrowing it down in a survivor way you want to be the bachelor I want to be the bachelor thanks wipERS123. We are putting our backlog of ads on our forthcoming, is that the right word, Patreon? Oh, surprise, we're making a Patreon.

God damn it, that was horrible to hear. All right, this is a, sorry, let me get the stars count. All right. This is a... Sorry. Let me get the stars count. All right. This is a five-star review from user Primordial Star. What do you think this guy's name is? No, his name is Evan Johnson. But his friends call him Primordial Star.

So is he a gamer? Does he have a Twitch or something? This is the bumper sticker. It's a yellow square and it says I don't need sex the government fucks me every day oh my god oh my god five stars I bought this for a friend as a joke

and he loved it hey man um some mail came for you oh that's weird i didn't order anything from stickers yeah that's really weird that's really weird let's see what it is i wonder what it is oh whoa oh my god it's i got you this dumb ass sticker it's funny you got this for me it was a gag gift yeah it was like a joke so you don't have to put it on your car i know that it's stupid no ted this is like this is awesome what um yeah i actually you know i've i've never really been a bumper sticker person but i just you know i just got my new lexus i just started a new lease with it and um

i think i'm gonna go i going to go put it on. I'm going to go put it on. I wonder if you should, though, because, like, yeah, Lexus, a new ELX, and it's, like, really. That was, like, what, $50,000? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, come on. Here, let's go.

Come on. Will you help me put it on? Yeah. I just need you to, like, help. Cool. We're at the car. So I'm going to start putting it on the back. I need you to kind of, like like make sure the bubbles don't.

Do we have goo gone? Do we have goo gone? Excuse me? Do we have goo gone? I just wonder if we have it because I'm just worried that you're not going to like it after a few days. I don't know what that is. It's a serum. It's a syrup that you can use to get goo off of things, like residue from stickers that you take off.

I think we do have it, but I mean, I can't imagine needing it. I mean, you bought't imagine needing it. I mean, you bought this for me. Yeah. What's up, man? We're different than each other. What are you talking about? Nothing.

It's just like we found each other online. Yeah. Roommatefinder.com. Yeah. I mean, who are we kidding, Michael? We're not like besties. I got you to have a laugh. stop it i okay listen it's not funny we're not close we don't get along we just act like we do i don't like your wife where is this

coming oh my god are you kidding me i'm just trying to be honest i just don't i mean we can keep living together, but I don't think we should like hang out. This is so clearly a dumb sticker joke. You're so much wealthier than I am. You have a nice car. Don't put a sticker on it. You bought the sticker for me

and now you're telling me you don't like Cindy? It was supposed to make you laugh and your wife irritates me because she never gets the joke and neither do you. Okay, well, sorry that this isn't a joke to me because you're right. I don't need sex

because I get fucked by the government every day. So that's actually not funny to me. It's so stupid. And how do you get fucked by the government? Didn't you get a subsidy for your small business? So what? Wasn't as big as I'd like it to be? You refinanced your mortgage on our house two months ago.

You got a less than 3% interest rate, and you're paying interest only. That's insanely good. And the only reason that's happening is because of the national treasury. Ted, listen. All of this aside, I sit on the hood of the Lexus. All of this aside, man, I really thought we had something special. I mean, you know that Cindy and I are pregnant. Just Cindy is pregnant.

Don't say that you're not part of it. Okay. It's just I'm one of those guys who says it's really pregnant. And you have sympathy pains and stuff. I do. I do. It's a very serious thing for me. It's not possible.

When she gets morning sickness, I get morning sickness. When she has pain, I have pain. When she gets morning sickness, you try to make it about you and you make yourself throw up. Out of solidarity. It's not out of solidarity. I make myself throw up out of solidarity. Because you make an issue. You make a second issue and then you don't get to tend to her.

I have to tend to her. We wanted you to be the godfather. Why? What's my middle name? Because I thought we were best friends. What's my middle name? Tim. thought we were best friends. What's my middle name? Tim. You're Ted Tim Beesman.

All right, you got the middle name right, but surprisingly you got the last name wrong. It's Beasley, not Beesman. Oh, come on, man. It's close enough. We've known each other for two years and you don't know my last name. It's on the lease that I signed of yours.

I don't want to move out. I just don't want to be friends. Knock, knock, knock. Hey, boys. Hey. Hey, honey. Hey, I'm just, I'm heading inside. I'm going to start cooking up some dinner.

I want to see if you boys wanted any drinks. I know that you two love to have like, you know, a little pre-dinner cocktail hour, the two of you. Yeah, Cindy, we did. Or we do. What oh i feel i can feel tension in the air tonight right there i'm rubbing my belly right there what's going on don't sing lyrics to genesis and phil collins songs go back inside honey wait no i'm staying outside what do you mean don't sing lyrics? There is tension. Do you love when I sing? I hate when you sing.

It's always flat. And I don't mean like flat sharp or not on key. I just mean like you don't put emotion behind it. And even if you did, it would be irritating. The issue is that when there is tension, and there is tension right now, you try to break it with songs, but it only makes it worse because now I'm like rubbed the wrong way. Oh,

you guys are in a fight right now. I can tell that this doesn't really have much to do with me. Wait, Michael, did you? Let me show you something.

Hand her the bumper sticker. What do you think about this? Wow. Did you, did you get this for Michael? Yeah. As a gag, as a joke, a goof. Michael, this is what we've been hoping for.

This is exactly the kind of thing. What are you talking about? What do you mean? You're having a kid in two months and this is what you've been hoping for? This is exactly the kind of thing we've been talking about. Oh my God, honey, you're so right. You're so right.

I was so stupid to think we should put it on my car. No, I know exactly where this needs to go. She lifts up her shirt, shows her bum. No fucking way. She puts it on her belly. My own bumper sticker. They stand there in stunned silence for like 30 seconds. You know what?

I am gonna move out. My water just broke. No! He has to go to the hospital with them. No, Ted, you gotta drive. I need to be in the backseat with her to help her out. We're both, our waters both just broke. It's only 10 minutes away. No pissed yourself you pissed yourself exactly her water broke and then my water broke you gotta get us to the hospital go change your pants you need to

drive us we're both in labor right now you need to drive us to the hospital yes ted please i know you're gonna move out but can you just do this one final small act of kindness? Why aren't you angry at him for this? He makes it all about him all the time. Ted, now's not the time. Ted, please take the, he throws the keys to the Lexus. Ted, I need you to drive

or else I'm gonna have this baby in the front yard. Cut to the hospital. They both are on separate hospital beds. They're both breathing in unison. A doctor enters. All right, and how are you both feeling? Equally of importance.

They speak at the same time. It hurts. Only her hurts, doctor. A nurse comes over. She checks. She checks Michael's pulse. She's like, oh, we're having another contraction. Another contraction.

No, he's just doing Kegels. Doctor, I just doing kegels doctor i think the baby's coming i think okay cindy all right all right just breathe with me oh man no i feel it too i it's also happening for me as well ted i need you to hold my hand through this man i'm not gonna hold your hand while you shit yourself come on i really i need this dude dude. It hurts. Fine. He holds his hand. Cindy. Okay, Cindy, we're going to need you to push down. Okay.

Okay. Oh, my God. It's a boy. And it's the end of what this process is. There's nothing more to come. Ted, it's happening, brother. No, no way. Please. Yeah, he shat himself.

This is horrible. Oh, my God. This is the best day of both of our lives. He holds the shit as if it's a baby, and she holds the baby. They look at each other. They hold hands across their beds. Twins. No way. their best twins no way the stupidest

bit from a bumper sticker we've ever done of a man giving birth

to a shit I love our community of review review because I think it's like what's cool is that we all really love

smart comedy I think that's what's really been proven is that daily show shit i'm john oliver of myself i'm john toliver jaunty toliver so i'm i have a little bit of jaundice and i'm taller than john oliver that's really good jaunty that's what you say when you have jaundice? Jaundice Oliver. I'm feeling a little jaundice today. What do you mean? Little jaundice. That also sounds like a rap name, Lil Jaundice.

Lil Jaundice. Lil Jaundice on the beat. This is from Stickermule.com. People send in custom designs for Snickers. Snickers for Snickers. Listen to me. Hey, I need Snickers. I'm not me when I'm hungry huh that's really funny

but I'm not hungry because I had lox this morning on a bagel on your keyboard yeah your plate was your laptop and vice versa and I put it on my Instagram story here we go this is five stars from Paul G Gant Paul Gant yeah why not Gaint or gant well it ain't gaint

it's gant okay paul gant five stars you just said it gaint gaint yeah it's not it gaint gant i meant it's gaint you did that's not what you said okay so paul Paul Gaint. Gant. Yes. Five stars. Clear and great cut work on the sticker. What's the sticker? We don't see it, but just wait. Just wait. It's even better that we can't see it, actually. Clear and great cut work on the sticker. Sharp printing lets everyone know my kid's addiction to grass is real and uncurable.

Addiction? Addiction to grass is real and uncurable. Is he talking about marijuana or is he talking about? Yes. Oh. Imagine your parents airing like something about you on their bumper sticker. Dad, can we have a talk? Sure, son.

Anything. Listen, I know how much you love to express yourself through your bumper stickers. That I do. That I do. You do. That being said, I do feel like there is a line at some point. And I do feel that you have crossed the line with the latest one that you put on.

Does that make sense? I don't see what the problem is. It's just, you know, it's fun and games, but also pay attention, right? Absolutely. I don't want that. Yeah. You don't want what?

I don't want a son who is going to be gallivanting around not making high honors at the Garrison High School. But I am making high honors at Garrison High School. But you're not going to get the valedictorian and that's sort of what the bumper sticker says. Everybody drives around with their stickers saying, oh, my kid's an honors student. And I have the non-honor of you not even being in the top 5% of your class just to be clear I need you to tell me what the bumper sticker says I want to

hear it coming out of your mouth so you can hear how uncomfortable it is to see the son that's aboard this van again will never be a part of a real family again because he's not getting high honors valedictorian this semester all of this is on the bumper and this semester this is all on the bumper sticker

it's this that's what it's what do you mean all that's it that's pretty succinct to me it's such small font um but dad i just want you to know that it makes me feel, and I've learned this from my time in therapy. It makes me feel, um, less than it makes me feel like you don't, you only love me for what I do and not for who I am in relation to like being your kid. So it's like, that's exactly right. What? I don't care who you are.

I care about what you get done and get accomplished because then I can tell my friends over at Harrison's bar that my kid is high honors. He's going to be valedictorian, which means. Catch him in the bar. Oh, man. My Sam, he made QB this year and straight A's. Can you believe it? Can you believe it? My QB.

All the guys are like, yeah, yeah. Go Sam. Go Sam. Go Sam. Well, hey. Well, my baby girl, my Lisa, she is not only prom queen. She is class president. She's class. She can do both.

She can do both. Shots for Lisa. Shots for Lisa, everybody. The whole bar celebrates. Woo. What about you, Jameson? What's little Tyrone been up to lately, huh? JV.

JV. JV soccer. So he didn't make the team for varsity never been much of an athlete that little bugger but guess what the grades here's getting a minus 3.69 GPA which is kind of straight a shot glass at the wall Tyrone yeah what kind of boy whoa man that's not cool. You can't say that about your own son. We can say that. What do I do to get your guys' respect? Because that's all I need, and that's the barometer of success in my life. You gotta let the world know that you

won't stand for the kind of shit that Tyrone's pulling. A-minuses and JV. I won't stand for the type of shit that Tyrone's doing. No, again, again, no, we can say that, but you can't say that. You gotta be nice when talking about your dick. I don't get it, I don't think. I don't think I get it.

Here, man, I'm gonna put you in contact with someone who I think can really help you out. I slide over the sticker company. Custom printing, local in Elridge, Illinois. Hey, you go to Jimmy down at Sticker World, the whole world will know what you're about. Cut to Sticker World. Hey, the guys over at Harrison's sent me over here.

You came from Harrison's? Come with me, I'll take you to the back room, come on. I press the thing on the wall, like a whole bookshelf turns as we go inside. It's a smoke-filled back room some seedy characters hither and thither hey hey bj hey blue eyes what's going on all right all right come here come here come here come here all right you sit down what is this place came from harrison's i know what you need you're not one of those people who's coming in here looking for a coexist

sticker you're not looking for any kind of political sign on the either side. Thank you for telling me what I don't want. What you need, you need something that shows the world who you are, right? You're a family man. I, my kid's alright. He's not my favorite, but my wife, all the honkers on her. Oh, I bet. Oh, I

bet. Believe me, I can imagine, I don't know who she is, but I can imagine it. I can imagine what they might look like. Just imagine the best person in the world, and that's my Susan. Which is why I'm sort of shocked that Tyrone turned out to be the little runt that he is. Oh, so your son's name is Tyrone. All right. Here's what we're going to do. I'm going to give you a deal.

On a sticker for your bumper on a what right on a sticker for your bumper sorry i can't really just could you write it down on a piece of paper because i don't understand what you're saying i'm gonna give you And S-T-E-E-K-I-R for your bumper. Okay, now I get it. Now I get it. The whole world will know not to mess with you, but they can fuck with Tyrone as much as you want, which will give him the incentive to boost his grades to make the team to be the president of the United States or a class.

Capisce? Which one? Because that's a really big jump also it was kind of a jump down president of the united states or class it doesn't matter you can say it on a sticker okay okay okay i need you and you can tell me out loud you know we got some cd characters in here as you can see so if you want to whisper it if you want to whisper it, if you want to write it down, what your hopes and dreams are for you as a man and for your son as a boy, man. I would like my son to sort of be the best version of himself that I want him to be

and wondering if there's a way for him to have a better GPA. Okay, so what I'm hearing. Yeah. Is that you want something along the lines of. Whatever son rides in this van again. Won't be a part of the family again. That's exactly it.

That's why it's like when you. When I hear it back. That's what I've been feeling this entire time. So you want that on a sticker? I would love. Can we add a little bit more can we add absolutely i wonder if you could kind of tack on some more so just to make it extra clear whatever son gets rides in this van again won't be a part of a family again unless he gets straight

a's valedictorian and is president of the united states or clash we can absolutely write that back to jameson and tyrone in the kitchen dad i am 18 we don't know if i'm going to be president of the united states i don't even want to go into politics i want to be a vet yeah well not everybody who gets in public office came from politics a lot of them are lawyers first again i want to be a veterinarian okay um this is just a little shocking because of what i put on the bumper sticker four years ago trust me it's shocking to me as well and dad all i'm saying is like look i know you have high expectations for me all i'm asking you to just take the no i want no take the bumper sticker off

take the bumper sticker off your car first First of all, it's a sticker. Second of all, and I resent any implication otherwise. Second of all, you didn't get straight A's. You got straight A minuses. So that's why you're going to William & Mary and not Yale, right? Dad, I really didn't want to have to bring this up, but I think you might be acting out in this way because mom is having an affair with the guy from the sticker shop. Oh, I know.

I know you know. And that's why it's really sad, because you have been projecting it onto me getting A-minuses instead of you trying to win her back it's been going on for an entire presidential term it's been four years and i knew after the first three months and i just kind of what do you what are you gonna do you know we have you we have your sister and like we do always forget about we do always forget about caitlin caitlin's never brought up i don't know what I did.

I really don't. I mean, between you and I, I'm sure you have it too, but I got a big ass honker. I got that. I got a freight train down there, and I don't know. I mean, she loves dirty talk, and obviously I don't have a very good dirty talk voice. Dad, I really don't want to be talking about this with you. I know, I know.

I mean, you're about to go off and do great things, I'm sure. I am proud of you, son. Dad, Tyrone, I know you haven't seen me, but I've been sitting at the head of the table with you guys this whole conversation. Came out of nowhere. Oh my God, Caitlin, you scared the shit out of me. I saw the sticker man go upstairs with mom an hour ago. He's in the house with mom right now.

Dad, go get her back. All right, I'll do that. He runs upstairs. Excuse me. What is it? If you guys get a break. Who's there? It's me.

I was wondering if you. Oh, it's you, Jameson, my friend. How's it going? I'm here plowing Your wife I know and I was wondering If you get a break in the action If maybe I could just talk to you guys both Um Yeah come on in what are you talking about

Don't let him in oh my god oh my god Hi hi Oh my god this is This is mortifying I've never done that position I know she told me do I need to be here for this can this just be worked out between you guys this is unbelievable

you can just stay there you guys can keep going if you want no we're putting pull the sheets up I feel hurt by what you guys have been doing the past few years it's fine, obviously. But, you know, I just wish you would have told me, Carol.

Like, we could have opened things up. Jameson, it's not fine. It's not fine. Why not? This whole thing has... God damn it, Jameson. This whole thing I've been doing was for you to man up, was for you to fight for me for once

the way you fight for Tyrone alright I want you to notice me I want you to care about me I want you to fight for me damn it you think I like having sex with the sticker man sticker man no I mean yes but

not as much as I love being married to you and I wish you would fight for me as much as I love being married to you. And I wish you would fight for me more. I just, I don't want to. Like, I love you. But I also like, if you need sexual gratification from someone else, that's fine. And I'd also like to pursue that. I just, I was, I'm hurt that you didn't talk to me about it first.

Because of course I want an open relationship. We've been together for 20 years and I don't want to have to fight for you. I want to have to kind of pursue other women at hotel bars. I pull out from the nightstand a sticker that says I want a divorce. It's kind of short. I would have loved if you had another sentence there on the sticker.

Sticker, sorry. God damn it, Jameson. Should we do our last segment? Okay. This should be all week long. Bubbly Bell Bath Bombs Out the Ass.com Oh my God, you're an ambassador. I'm a brand ambassador.

And Riley, you were there. Were you there the day that I approached Bread Lounge about becoming a bread ambassador? I wasn't there, but I saw the video. I wonder if you had left for Boston already. Years ago, probably half the audience knows this but years ago I wanted to be a brand ambassador for none other than Bread Lounge Bakery and Cafe in the Arts District of Los Angeles. I emailed Ran Zyman of all people on several occasions. Got one email back being kind of like what do you mean by bread ambassadorship and then i explained to them what it what i wanted and that was just kind of like

some free bread that i would promote on my social channels uh in the videos and on podcasts and on my social media accounts nary a response from ran of course not of course not i know of course not and then and also their food is bad. So if anything, if they had given me the bread, I would be still talking about it on this show. But instead I'm going to say, look, their food is bad. I've used to get grilled cheeses from there. It is bad though. It's not me trying to slander them fake Lee. It's bad. Like if you order their grilled cheese, the combination of cheese is great the bread tasty crunchy the issue is the cheese is never melted so it's it's like burnt on the outside and then like cold on the inside and that

sucks to have ran um anyway i'm over it obviously and i went to therapy for other reasons not for this um i talk about it often which is fine but i who needs bread when you have bath bombs how did you become an ambassador? Did you reach out to them or did they reach out to you? Okay, so a random account with no followers and no following DM'd me and said, hey, I work for Bubbly Bell Bath Bombs and we're looking for social media personalities to promote the brand in bombs. And I said, and then I was like, I'm totally interested.

What do I do? And they say, they said, DM bubbly bell and let them know that you want to opt into the partnership program. I DM to bubbly bill and opted in. They sent me a cash sum. That'll be remain undisclosed.

And, uh, I, a coupon code to get the bombs for free. Guess what I did? Hmm. Yes. and a coupon code to get the bombs for free. Guess what I did? Yes. Did you get the bombs for free? I got the bombs for free.

And put them in bath water, got in and took a photo, put it on the Instagram. Put Ritz over your eyes. Ritz crackers, because I did not have any cucumbers. And it was a lot of fun. I did it with Sarah and jack the weekend before i

left for la and uh what can i say i'm i'm i'm richer in experience and wealth for it and i could really use it because again i cannot afford where i'm living i cannot afford the car payments did i mention bubbly bell bath bombs i do have to say i was really really jealous that you are a brand ambassador um and i am not uh um yeah uh but i guess it's what happens when you have 11 000 followers versus you know i'm just like a fucking nobody so what riley's been texting me how far away she is from 10 000 instagram followers how far away far away are you on the day, at the time of recording? 430 people till I matter. You already matter. You're already a public personality.

No, but that's not how it works. If it makes you feel any better, I bought the last 11,000 of my followers. So it was all of them. So you didn't. I didn't. But there is a world where I could have done that. It doesn't matter how many you have. You just need that verification, that verified.

Yeah, that's true. Oh, speaking of Instagram, what shook me is that I love Instagram. I use it frequently. Yeah. And I have a lot of photos. How many did you have? a lot of photos um and so at that time yeah so basically daniel inspired me to start archiving um because i had i have so many photos um at the time when daniel brought that up i had around 1500 pictures on instagram i had photos starting from like 2011, like from the first Instagram I ever posted throughout

school and all of college. So over the past three or four days, I have archived around 900 pictures. I now have 625 posts. Wait, let me look at this. It was really it was such a trip to look back at photos from like high school and also what really just made me cackle is like the first of all the kinds of photos i would post and like things that i felt like were necessary to be put up plus the captions yeah no well because it was such a different platform when it first launched it was basically it was like visco like it was like for photography yeah it has it

has really changed i mean it's like there were some that really got me of like like in high school my main celebrity crush was joseph gordon levitt god of course it was that sucks and i would like just post a picture i think like on the online i saw him on the cover of a magazine took a photo of the cover of the magazine and posted it being like nbd my husband is just on the cover of like w or something like that or like i die for that i think i mean nbd just jgl and like i would post other things of like i was like obsessed obsessed with gossip girl in high school like of course and there was one photo a grainy picture that was already edited that i edited on top of that of the cast and the caption was just like like 10 more days

till the last season uh hashtag impatient hashtag my obsessed. Of course. So that's been really, really crazy. And Elizabeth has been watching us archive. And there are photos that I find. I'm like, oh, my God, what a nice picture of me and one of my best friends from high school. And it's such a cute photo. And she's like, oh, that's nice. And I'm just like, archive. And she's like, no, what are you doing?

She's like, you are ruthless. I'm like, no one needs to see it. I'm like, it's a nice picture, but no one needs it. She's like, what the fuck? picture but no one needs it she's like god what the fuck well that's good it's like uh spring cleaning it is like spring cleaning and some of it made me sad because i was looking at photos of my dead dog uh anyway um anyway that was our bonus app our little friday fucker in a way. Excuse me? Nothing, nothing. We'll be back this Tuesday.

Our Friday fucker? Our little Friday fucker. Our little bugger, our little guy. You can't say that. We will be back this Tuesday, guys. Thank you so much for listening. Please follow Riley so that she can matter, at RileyAnspa on Instagram,

at RileyCoyote on Twitter. That is why you want it. That is why you want the followers to matter. No, I want people, if you want to follow me, follow me because you fucking love my shit. So do it for that reason. Follow the show on Instagram at ReviewReview, on Twitter at ReviewReviewShow,

on Reddit, r slash ReviewReview. Follow Jeff at IamJeffreyJames on Instagram at Don'tPlayNoJames on Twitter, if you dare. What's that? If you dare. Well, that's good. Because his content is so, so, so good. It's scary.

It scares me. It intimidates me. This is my agent pitching me. What do you mean? What are you talking about? Got any fun plans for the weekend, Anspa? Yeah. And so do you.

You want to know why? Tomorrow night. Eschaton, baby. Eschaton. Willa. Are you nervous? We'll see you guys on Tuesday, guys. Thanks for listening.

Have a great weekend. TGI. Little fucker Friday. Oh my God. Arrivederci. That was a Hiddem Original.