Review Revue - BONUS FRIDAY: Jamba Juice

Episode Date: July 2, 2021

Reilly and Geoff read reviews about Jamba Juice and discuss health inspectors and self-deprecating interns!Follow Reilly and Geoff:IG: @reillyanspaugh & @geoffreyjamesTwitter: @reilecoyote & @GeoffBoyardeeAdvertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Ha! I review anything better than you. No, you can't. Yes, I can. No, you can't. Yes, I can. No, you can't. Yes, I can.

Yes, I can. Anything you can read, I can read better. I am the best improv actor, it's true. No, you're not. Yes, I am. No, you're not. Yes, I am. No, you're not.

Yes, I am. Yes, I am. I can be a sailor yelling at a waiter. I can change a tire with a pair of pliers. I can host two podcast shows. On Head Gum? Yeah. So can a bum.

Any show you can host, I can host higher I can host any show higher than you No you can't Yes I can No you can't Yes I can No you can't Yes I can No you can't

Yes I can I can host a podcast higher than you. What the hell are you talking about? That's John Gabrus' verse. That's true. That is from Annie Get Your Gun. And I heard that submission when it was posted on Instagram the other week. And I lost my mind.

It is so fucking funny. Jeff, there's nothing more I want than to perform that with you live. That specific one or we punch it up? No, like that specific one. All right. Yeah, we'll find the time. It was so great. We'll busk.

We'll go to LA Live. Can you tell us who sent in that little ditty? Yes, I can. That came in from one Greg. Thanks, Greg. I never know if people guys if you're sending these in can you let us know what you want us to call you because like I could say his full name but I don't want to out his ass

yeah well for now thank you Greg it's a bonus Friday so let's just cut to the fucking chase holy shit let's just fucking cut to it because I'm serious I'm really serious about this you seem serious about it serious and like i it it couldn't be more serious it couldn't be more serious we're talking about jamba juice we're talking about jamba juice today on this friday on this friday i was obsessed with jamba juice in middle school

i was fucking obsessed with it there was one that was really close to my middle high school it was the same school i went there six through twelve nice and and k through five let's just get this real quick k through five well so sorry uh nursery school through first grade was in utah obviously second grade through fifth grade was in malibu obviously and then six through twelve was at this high school and that absolutely is correct you got it right and that's absolutely correct so this jamba juice is right next to a starbucks and it changed the game i mean it's like it was the if you're in middle school or like freshman year of high school it was the place to be either on like your free lunch period if you could go off campus or um post school like after school before rehearsal you go and you get a jamba juice you go and you get a starbucks you'd start the morning before you get school you'd go to the starbucks potentially

if you're running late on breakfast you go to the jamba juice right next door but god damn if the smell entering a jamba Juice wasn't intoxicating. You smell all the fruit. You smell the kind of cold tile that you're walking into. And so it's like that mixed with, oh my God, the smell. And Elizabeth Blunt knows what I'm talking about. You gotta relax. You gotta relax is the one thing. But the smell of a blender when it's going.

The smell a blender makes when it's going. Like not even when it's in it, but it's like the smell of the blender's motor smells so fucking good and so like burning rubber like not quite to walk it it just smells like energy this is getting out of hand so fast. You've snowball affected into some kind of a bomb mobile. I would order the mango smoothie. I forget what it was called, but whatever the mango one was or the razzmatazz. Those were my go-tos.

That good old-fashioned razzmatazz. But you know there's a shit ton of sugar in every Jamba Juice shake. Do you think there's added sugar? I think they taste too sweet for them not to be. Well, do they add juice concentrates? Because that's probably where they're getting it.

Yeah, that's probably where they're getting it. Also, when you freeze fruit, and I know this because I freeze grapes because they taste better and sweeter than they're frozen. Correct. It like crystallizes the sugar in a different way so it tastes sweeter when fruit is frozen.

Well, then maybe it's just that because that's not added sugar. That's just different sugar just but they also do definitely put in juice they definitely put in the juice yeah it's not healthy like i saw some one of my reviews it wasn't the one i chose because it wasn't funny but somebody was like and you know it's all organic i'm like anywhere with like merch probably isn't that organic and you know it's gotta be organic. Jeff, experience with Yamba Juice. Not a big Yamba Juice guy. I was a tropical smoothie cafe man.

What? Let's get into our first review. I don't have much to say. What the fuck is tropical? You don't know tropical smoothie cafe? That sounds like a generic... It's where Brendon Urie used to sing for tips before Panic! at the Disco formed. Of course it was. That sounds like you're making up in a Disney show. Like, hey, let's all meet over at the Tropical Smoothie Cafe.

No, it's like a national chain. I think it's like Jamba Juice's McDonald's and Tropical Smoothie Cafe is like Wendy's. You know what I mean? I've never. Hold on. I need to look this up. Let's look up if there even is one in California. Tropical Smoothie Cafe.

There is, but they're all in Orange County, so you would have never seen this. I've never even heard of this. It really does sound fake. It sounds like you can't say the name Jamba Juice, and so you're saying, oh, the Tropical Smoothie Cafe. Yeah, it's like what they would say in Drake and Josh, yeah. Yes, 100%.

No, but it was great, and I do think that it's actually better than Jamba Juice because I've had Jamba Juice and it's less sweet and you see them make it all I don't think they added juice on the day you see them you see them make it at Jamba Juice you just see them pouring in a shit ton of juice concentrate and that is true and that is true but I can't help but ride hard for Tropical Smoothie Cafe what was your order what's your what's your kind of go-to smoothie at the Tropical Smoothie Cafe? I think it was like a pina colada, you know, spinoff in a way. You would just have a drink.

You would be drinking rum at nine in the morning. Because I saw Pirates. I saw Black Flag. And I was like, where's my rum? Shme. I've never seen Pirates. Yeah, that's Peter Pan. Do you want to kick us off with your review?

One star, JM. Where, sorry. Yeah. For which Jamba Juice, where is it? Where's this Jamba Juice? So glad you asked. This is in Hollyweird, Florida. Okay.

JM. Yeah. Jumba. All right. Jumba. All right. Malter. Jumba Malter. Yes. That's maybe the worst name we've ever come up with on a show.

Definitely a bonus Friday, maybe on the show ever. All right. One star. From? From Jumba Malter. Thank you. Worst Jumba to go to. I saw an employee cleaning the toilet with the same towel he cleaned the table with.

No. No fucking way, dude. So the whole sugar thing, that shouldn't be our main concern, I think. Well, I didn't know that. Now I do, thanks to Jamba. Jamba Malter, yeah. So you guys are getting a C grade a c health grade and don't be shocked i already saw your face drop i saw you raking leaves into the blender blending them and then setting them aside for some odd reason reduce reuse recycle i thought

that's what we were all about here at jamba none of that was any of the above it wasn't reducing i guess it was reducing leaves to leave bits how is that good for the environment because we come sorry here at yeah this specific jamba juice we fully believe that it's like we like from dust we went forth and to to dust we shall return so it's like we are part of the earth and the earth is part of us. If we're not going to use what we've been given, then what's the point? We're not about that.

Like we don't put any of that concentrate in there. We don't put any of that added sugar stuff. We put in what's natural and what should organically be in our bodies. And if you can't see that, then like maybe I should give you a C grade. Call me a C or whatever, but that's not going to really affect me. Like my job is giving health grades to businesses so that customers can

make informed decisions also that is juice concentrate there's three jars of juice concentrate right there big letters saying juice concentrate 60 sugar we have to balance it out somehow we have to keep all the customers happy you know do you know how hard it is to walk that fine line between like pleasing the masses and covering our asses? What do you mean? Sorry, pardon my French. I just mean that it's like, you know, we tried. People want the sugar.

We tried doing it without the concentrate and just the leaves, and people weren't happy. People said, that's not sweet enough. That's not sweet enough. That doesn't taste like orange. That doesn't taste like orange. Did you ever try the in between did you ever try no leaves but no juice concentrate or did you just go adding leaves to smoothies and then juice concentrate and never anything in between i mean obviously we had to start because we're part of the chain right so they

give us like the recipe instructions of like here's how to make a razzmatazz here's how to make like a strawberry surf right or something like that. And so we'd follow those by the book. And we're just like, what's going to set us apart? Like what's going to up our numbers on the chain? Like what of store number 543, how is that going to be the place to be? You know, like, and so we're like, okay, what's going to set us apart? We're going to go all organic. We're going to go completely organic.

And so that's when we stopped with the concentrate and just did the leaves um sorry he just pulled he just poured a smoothie into a shoe is that some kind of reuse they do sorry sebastian sebastian listen man i get it Kind of something like granola people like us. We're not everyone's cup of tea, right? You're corporate. And for looking at your Sperry's and your little Lacoste shirt, I can tell that this place maybe isn't for you. And so I, you know what?

I'd love to give you one of our smoothies on the house. And maybe it'll just change your mind. You might put that C up to an A. And then we can call it a day. All right. Yeah, I'll try a smoothie. All right. What kind of base would you like?

We have the leaves from outside, the leaves from the back parking lot, and we have someone up the leaves on the roof because there is a tree right above this establishment. I'll do mango. Okay. By the way, all these fruits are from the earth i don't understand why you have to add leaves sorry you must be mistaken these fruits came from a bag in the freezer so it's like i get where that from the earth if you trace it back what's that fruit comes from the earth and eventually goes in your freezer now you might not be sourcing it from the best places but it's still from the earth you

think that it originated in the freezer you know how a lot of restaurants are farm to table correct it's like we are taking things from from where they're living where they're growing and right to your tummy okay not really That's our philosophy here. Is that your Hummer parked in a handicapped spot out front? Because I don't think you care about anything, really. Reduce, reuse, recycle. This Hummer from 2005 was just in a lot. No one was going to take it.

So I figured, like, I'm not going to buy a new car when I could get this used Hummer. Sorry, I don't get what you don't get. I just don't think you're the green savior that you think you are. Also, you don't have recycling bins. Everybody throws it in one trash can. I've been watching since I've been here. And then we pick those from the trash can.

And that's where we're serving the smoothies into. So the cup you're holding in your hand, the one I just gave you, that's from this morning. D. I'm knocking it down to a D. Can I ask? Yes. What do I need to do to get an F? I guess we would just shut you down, honestly.

But it would have to be some kind of rat infestation mold growth don't go in the closet I'm gonna have to go you just gave it away opens the door 30 rats in a wave they're riding leaves like surfboards they're clearly in charge

I'm sobbing they make us put the leaves in the drinks, man. Wouldn't the rat also want fruit? Why do they want leaves? Because they're dirty. Alright, we should take a break, but we'll be right back with

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and Jeff congratulations on your big day. I didn't have one. This Jamba Juice is not the one I went to when I was in high school, but it's very close to it. This is in Thousand Oaks, California. One star from Lauren D. Let's go, Dranker. Lauren Dranker. One star. Ordered 14 drinks for an office meeting. The drinks were packed in a nice box, so easy to transport. However, when I got to the office, there were no straws. One of my associates had

to drive back and miss part of our meeting just to get straws. Upon returning to get them, he explained what happened and the girls just laughed. Eric, oh my God. Smoothies for the whole office? You are the best, dude. Take a seat. Come on. We're just about to get started.

Damn it. What? Jesus, Eric. What? What? Calm down, man. I forgot the We're just about to get started. Damn it! What? Jesus, Eric. What? What? Calm down, man. I forgot the straws. Hey, no worries.

We, I think a couple of us brought metal ones and the rest of us, we can just open it up and just kind of drink from the cup. This is actually a really important meeting. Everyone needs to be here. This is kind of about like, some people need to get laid off this quarter and we're going to kind of talk about who that's going to be. What? Fire my ass

the ladies down at jamba juice would love that wouldn't they the ladies down at jamba juice would love if you got fired and razzing me all fucking semester it's been awful right we don't have time to get into that this is actually really serious meeting um everyone i'm sorry i had to blurt that out really fast eric just got the ball rolling um here uh you know we've been making these cross whitening strips for decades and they've been wonderful but we're at a point now where it's like the growth we're wanting to see just isn't happening and so two people will need to be fired by the end of this meeting. Yes, Ray. Uh, yeah. Eric, did you get any napkins by chance? God, no way. Eric, we have some in the break room, Eric.

You don't need to get Jamba Juice brand napkins. It's fine. The bullies down at Jamba Juice are going to have a field day when I have to go all the way back and get napkins. You don't have to go all the way back and get napkins. Eric, I actually am requesting that you stay in the office for this meeting because it's deeply important.

Also, Eric, we have straws. We have a box of straws in the break room. There you go. Thank you, Ray. See, Eric, it's fine. You got the smoothies. It was super generous.

And I would love if you could... Sorry, Eric, sit down. Please take your seat. Would you guys wear Nike with Adidas? What? Would you guys wear a suit bottom that doesn't match the suit top? Eric, you're asking about clothes, and I'm telling people that everyone is like one step away from getting fired, and it's not my decision. So this is, I don't know if this is your coping, but you need to sit down and take this shit seriously.

Sorry for cursing. The straw has to match the bottle, or else I'll get bullied by Jamba Juice employees. No, I'm looking. I'm looking at him. No one take the bait on that. No one. He continues to bring this up and he's trying to divert. No, Lisa.

No. Put your hand down. I'm starting to get a little pissed because you haven't fired him yet and you're saying they're going to be layoffs. And he's obviously disrupting not only today's meeting, but every meeting this week and if he's not gonna get fired i know he's just semesterly paid intern but if i'm gonna get laid off i have a fucking family right i understand lisa and i really hate for this to be the case but i was looking at the numbers and eric is the one who kind of made our numbers skyrocket in the past week.

Are you kidding me? I really wish it could be Eric, but unfortunately, he does a really good job. I'm not saying it's going to be you. I really wish we could fire Eric, but we cannot afford to. What does he even do? I've seen him do expense reports and get food. And usually he gets the food wrong. He makes expense reports like get food. And usually he gets the food wrong. He makes expense reports like a god.

He is a Herculean. All that matters is for tax write-offs. How much money could we be saving? Enough. I saved us enough. Yeah. What I didn't do was take into account that some of you guys might have wanted

some of the cookies from Jamba Juice. Raise your hand if you wanted one. No one wanted the cookies, Eric. No one wanted the cookies. Someone's about to get fucking fired. Two people raised their hand. God, Jesus. I mean, especially if I'm gonna get fired,

I kind of want a cookie. Damn it! I should have had the foresight. Now I look like a bad guy. I was looking at the number. This is nothing personal, everyone. This is truly just a numbers-based layoff. I will help write you an incredible recommendation

for your next job. Lisa, I am so deeply- Are you kidding me? I am so deeply sorry. I wish this wasn't the case. Eight years at this company. Lisa, I know. I built out our entire international division.

Corporate, the suits will have my neck if I don't fire you by the end of the day, Lisa. Whatever. All right. I'm out. Lisa, wait. You can say that it's up over you, but you could have gone to bat for me and you didn't. I tried, Lisa.

I reel out a cake that says, sorry, Lisa. Wait, who else is getting laid off? Do you have a cake for everyone or just me? Because that's really- It's just you. I was supposed to see that there was only one cake. I should have gotten more. Eric, I know that you're getting fired too i mean sorry ray you kidding me eric for the love of god i cannot stand your dumb ass face but you are the best of us

and i hate that that is the way that it is. So you know what? Why don't you, this is a sensitive fucking moment. Why don't you go down to Jamba Juice? Get the straws, get the cookies, get whatever you need. That'll take you 45 minutes to an hour to get and then come back. Because then by the time you come back, we'll be on our lunch break. And then we'll have time to fucking dissipate the shit that you started in here, Eric. So I can go to Jamba Juice?

Go to Jamba Juice! Fuck! He walks in, instantly they start laughing at him. You fucking idiot! He's back! Wedgium! Forget the straws! Wedgium! Put straws up his nose. Oh.

Pour a smoothie down his shirt. No, this is my favorite shirt, you guys. Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug. Oh, it's so concentrate. It's so concentrate. Feed him to the rats yeah closet closet closet you guys know there's rats and you're still patronizing this place they open the door the rats they go under him like he's crowd surfing into the closet. Of course! Go to a different Jamba shoot.

Should we do our last segment? Let's. This should be all we know. Her waters call my name. this shook me all week long her waters call my name they really do I am a Tahoe got it you're not a Tahoe

yes it was no it was my rope I am part of Tahoe forever thus and vice versa no last week the beginning was like what's new with you and we both traveled and you were of Tahoe forever thus and vice versa. No, last week, the beginning was like, what's new with you? And we both traveled and you were like, Tahoe is my family. Okay, then fuck this. No, it can still be that. No, it's different.

It's different for sure. I have other interesting things about me. I'm multifaceted. I guess, yeah, no, the new office is shaking me it's not ready for us to record in yet but it probably will be I think in two weeks which is fucking awesome I think we're both kind of ready to be not

staring at a computer screen and instead staring at each other's A-list maws the main thing is the basketball hoop like it's so fucking nice to have something to, like, if I'm sick of editing, I can just go out there and, like, get some physical exercise. It is very hot in LA right now, so that's the one bummer. I've sweat through a couple pairs of jeans.

So, like, I get shorts. And that's the end of my watch. I'm so excited. We're going, after we record today, we're going to go meet at the office. I'm going to see it for the first time. And I'm so fucking excited yeah it's it's that time of year snl audition tapes um they always sneak up on you i know that they're due at the same time every year and yet

i cannot help but waiting till the last second to film it, you know? No, I'm very excited about, I love doing it. I mean, like getting on SNL is like getting struck by lightning. So it's just like more- Well, you have been struck by lightning twice. Well, right. And so that's why I'm saying my chances are great. It's almost a sure thing.

I'm a conductor. And so it's been fun so daniel helped me film my first four characters last night and um i'm sorry but the sentence getting struck getting on snl is like normally when i play i still have a couple more that i need to finish writing but it's like i i try and when i film them like okay thinking about different looks for each one like what's going to make the most sense that it will be easy enough visual transitions for me to make and the four that i had ready to go yesterday couldn't be more different from each other of course so it took a long time and i ran out of makeup removal wipes so it was just uh chaos um but it was really fun i just i really like doing it and i'm i feel like last year

i was really focused on like, what do they want? And like, I'm really trying to like make it be like, what do they think is going to be funny? And this year I'm just like, what do I think is funny? And like having more fun with it. So yeah. Hell yeah.

Well, if and when you get on, let me get an invite to that premiere party. Mad scientist, like the hair frizzed out and like smoke around my face. You never stopped smoking after the lightning. Why does it always, it's been 10 years. Why do you still look like you just got struck? I don't know.

You're like, you think you're upset about it. I hurt always. It stings me now and forever. Lightning stings me now and forever. Lightning stings me now and forever. I got struck by a piece of lightning got on Saturday Night Live and Lauren said that I had to be the lightning of season five.

So we went back in time. All right, guys. We'll see you guys again next week on Tuesday in a couple days. Until then, you can follow Riley Anspa on Instagram at Riley Anspa, on Twitter at Riley Coyote, Riley Coyote, and the show on Instagram at Review Review, and on the subreddit at r slash Review Review. You can follow Jeffrey on Instagram at Jeffrey James,

and on Twitter at, oh, what's it called? Oh, yeah. Jeff Boyardee. Arrivederci. That was a Hiddem Original.