Review Revue - Bottled Water

Episode Date: February 18, 2020

Reilly and Geoff discuss the taste of different bottled waters, Cyrano de Bergerac, and sand pants!Be sure to give the show a 5-star review on Apple Podcasts, and include your pitch for an episode idea! Maybe we’ll choose yours for a future episode, or we won't!Follow Reilly and Geoff:IG: @reillyanspaugh & @iamgeoffreyjamesTwitter: @reilecoyote & @dontplaynojamesSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Get that Angel Reef special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? At participating restaurants for a limited time. I just want to fuck you I just wanna fuck you

Oh, that's really good What if our theme song is just a A parody of Fuck You by Paul McCartney But the only parody element is just saying review instead of Fuh You. I just want to review. I love that. I think that's organically found. I think it's organically.

Are we recording? We are. Oh. The levels are bad. Okay. I'm Michael Barbaro and you're listening to The Daily. I haven't seen you for weeks and you forget what show we're on.

No, I thought this was, I thought I was Mike Bavaro. Right. I thought it was The Daily. Right. So I was right. No, you were right. I'm confirming it.

I know my tone is saying otherwise. You said no and then you repeated back to me what I thought was happening. But yeah, but it's like when someone's like, no, yeah. No, yeah. No, yeah.

No, yeah. You're right. Oh, Jeff is sporting a hat, which I got him for his birthday Christmas. Birthday. Just birthday. For his birthday, but it's also his Christmas present. Damn it. For me, it's not about the quality of gift.

It's not about whether it was handmade or really expensive. It's about how many there are. So you're a quantity guy. You gave me one quality hat that I'll probably wear. I would rather you have gotten over 30 bad hats. Okay. Small, too big, out of shape, worn out.

Sorry. Do you want me to take it back? Well, no, I like it. Okay. You know, a little hint for Christmas. A hint for back? Well, no, I like it. Okay. We'll hint for Christmas. Hint for Christmas, bad hats. Bad hats, lots of them.

Got it. What do you want for Christmas? From me or otherwise? A bag of mine broke a couple months ago. A strap fell off. Okay. So I'd love to have that fixed. Sorry.

The gift you want most of all is a remedy. I love that bag. That seems like an errand that you run. How much could it be to fix a strap? There is a place in my hometown that is, it's called like the purse doctor, the bag doctor. I mean, they also do like tailoring and fix bags. This is not what we should be talking about. I haven't seen you in like a month. Sorry. You were home. I was home.

How was it? It was good. It wasn't as cold as I thought it was going to be. Were you disappointed? Was I disappointed that it wasn't cold? Mm-hmm. No. Oh.

I will be disappointed if it's not a white Christmas. You can't say that. Well, I just, you know. You can't say that. That's not what I meant. I want it to be snow on the ground. Oh, okay. I need to get you, I need a verbal confirmation or a verbal agreement, which I'll then turn into a contract, that we will do a live review review in Cleveland, Ohio next summer.

Should we get to our- Well, we just need the verbal confirmation and then we can start the episode. Yeah, no, for sure, for sure. I actually have some great reviews that I have right now. Can't wait to hear them. Verbal confirmation for Cleveland? Live show? Cleveland will have live shows in the city.

For sure. We will do a live show in the city. LA is a great city. I can't wait to do another live show here where we live. Which we will, but just say these words. Just say these words. We will do a live show in Cleveland. We will do a live show in Cleveland.

We will do a live show in Cleveland is where you go home. Okay. No way. I said all the words. I said all the words you asked me to say. Amir and Jake want to do it.

We will do a live show in Cleveland. It'll be very fun. It'll be free. Everyone will have, no. It'll be free for me. Yeah.

In fact, I'll get cash from it. Right. So so so we'll get paid to do a show that people will come pay to see yeah free lodging because my family lives there totally that's great so anyway bragging i'm i'm just saying like my family has a house there if you can believe it i can't a lot of people live there. Low cost of living, sure. Of course. Wonderful. Sure. I'm not arguing with you.

It's like a four bedroom. No, I hear you. That's wonderful for your family. What are we reviewing today? Bottled water. Hell yeah. Easy. That's awesome.

No, we've reviewed other things that you should have been more excited about. This is the most boring product. This is one of Amazon's most top-selling items. Is it? Because I looked up most popular things on Amazon because I figured there'll be some good reviews and, like, the most popular stuff. And one of the most popular things to buy

is, like, bulk bottled water. Is that because you can do the subscription thing on Amazon? I think so. All right. I think that's probably it. Also, a lot of the reviews weren't even about the water. It was like, love how it's delivered to my door. Yeah.

Yeah. That's the whole thing. But like on no other products are you seeing reviews being like, I love how it showed up at my house and I didn't have to go to it. And what did you think about the product? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was fine. You haven't even used it yet, but you're already writing a review. It's in the fridge, but it's like the fact that I didn't have to go in my car and get it. And what'd you think about the product? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was fine. You haven't even used it yet, but you're already writing a review. Yeah, it's in the fridge, but it's like the fact that I didn't have

to go in my car and get it. Jeff, do you drink bottled water? I don't try to. I have a hydro... Okay, brag. You also... We have the same water bottle. I lost mine in New York. Mine is bigger than yours. Probably. I got a new one, but I lost mine in New York.

Sorry, how many ounces? Sorry, it's the same as my old one. For sure, which was the 20 ounce, right? I think. The 24? Because I'm working with a 30er. That's great. What, if you left your hydro flask at home or something, what bottle of water is your

choice? What do you think is the best one? I'm not picky. Well, okay, two different questions. Sorry, okay. I'm not picky, although I do hate the Nestle shitty ones. Like Dasani? That are always on set.

No, Dasani's fine. People hate on Dasani. I actually like it. I think Dasani's disgusting. Dasani, more like disgusting. That's such a slant. Not even rhymed. Just a say.

Just a slant say. You know the ones that are always on crafty tables? The literal $1 for the whole case thing. Like Arrowhead? Arrowhead, Deer Valley. Not Deer Valley. Poland Springs is on every set. Those are the worst.

We work. I feel like even... Nice. Yeah, every set. We are in Hollywood. Oh my God, the amount of sets. Your teeth are so white, they're purple. I can't feel my gums.

We know. I can't even drink water. It just falls out. Even if you refrigerate them, they're warm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So those are the only ones I don't enjoy drinking, but I still will.

Favorite water? Yeah. I like Smart Water and Essentia and Mountain Valley Spring. Wow. Yeah. I am not a smart water girl. We have different tastes in waters. We have different tastes in waters.

Our physiological makeup must be different. You must need something more basic, and I must need something more acidic. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, maybe. I don't know. Yeah, we don't know until we do a hair test. Are you willing? We'll see. We'll see. For sure. It's noncomm we don't know until we do a hair test.

Are you willing? We'll see. We'll see for sure. It's noncommittal, but we'll do it maybe. I don't know. Smart water tastes like an airport to me. I don't enjoy it. I guess because if I'm at the airport and I'm at a loss, I will get it. Usually smart waters are what they have, and I don't like it.

What is your favorite water? Evian. If it's like, if I'm splurging on a water. It's definitely our physiological makeups because that's more, I think, basic. It's too pool watery for me. Oh, it's crisp. It's clean. I was at a concert the other day.

What concert? Rachel and Villery. Who? Rachel, the lead singer of- Was this where you were at Pico Union. Who? Rachel, the lead singer of Was this where you were at Pico Union? Yes,

Rachel, the lead singer of Lake Street Dive. That's awesome. Pico Union's a cool venue. At the back, because we were sitting on the second level

in like the mezzanine of this church. Yeah. And in the back, there was a verse and I turn and it is very much a Bible verse,

but I know it from Hamilton. It's when Washington's delivering his letter and it's like, and they'll sit under their own vine in their big tree. I love that song Hamilton. It's when Washington's delivering his letters like, and they'll sit under their own vine. I love that song. So that's where my vine went.

So I turn around. I'm like putting my coat on my chair. And I literally look at it. And my first thought was, wow, the scripture loves Hamilton. And I turn to Daniel. And I'm about to say that. And then I realize, I'm like, oh, that can't be it. So Evian or Smartwater?

Evian and Smartwater, I guess, are the two favorites. Do you want to go first? Do you want to go second? So I found a Fiji review from September 27th, 2017, one star, from Michael D. The title, Something is Off with This Batch. Maybe steer clear until October? And it reads thus, I normally, all caps, love Fiji water. Smooth texture and flavor. But this batch? Wow. I'm not sure if it's the taste of the plastic bottles, if there was a bottling process that

wasn't cleaned properly, but I smell something off in every bottle when I open each one. I taste something off in this. This batch almost tastes like incredibly hard tap water. Batches? I mean, just the fact that he's, well, also why October? Does he know that these are made in quarterly batches? I've never said the phrase batch of water

in my life until today. Oh my God, Kristen is bringing her famous thing to the Christmas party. Oh my God. Is it like biscotti? Oh my God. I wish. Yeah, we all wish. What is it? Croissants? No, come on, man. Don't play me like this. We all know what it is. She's bringing the water. She's bringing her batch water. She says she makes her water in batches. You can't make water. It's got to be just hard tap, right? I guess. I mean, she says it's a special mix of hard and pretty weak tap.

What does that mean? Like the hard stream, full blast, and then half of it's a soft stream? She fully turns the tap on until it's so hard that it's like when you put your hand under it, it moves your hand. It's like, whoa. And hand under it it moves your hand whoa and then she turns it down really fast it's like a black and tan but with just hard and slow streamed water yeah so she's bringing that okay i don't know what to say i have to leave i have to leave no wait she literally texted me and said she's texting about the water this may be my best batch

yet that doesn't mean i have to stay this is already ruining my night everyone to try just She's texting about the water? She said, this may be my best batch yet. That doesn't mean I have to stay. It means that she wants everyone to try it. Just don't tell her I was here. She's not here yet. I will leave. I already said. You texted her? No, I posted an Instagram story of everyone here.

Has she seen it? Yeah, she was the first one to watch it. Of course. She watched it. She makes water. So of course she's the first. Hope y'all are thirsty. Sorry, she responded to the story and said, hope y'all are thirsty. Sorry, she responded to the story and said hope y'all are thirsty.

Well, no, what she did was she took a screenshot of that. No way. And then she put that screenshot in her own story and then wrote under that hope y'all are thirsty. Tagged everyone. You just haven't seen it yet because your phone's on the table. This sucks. She sucks. She makes a lot.

She's so rich. She's made so much passive income on index funds and VTFs. This is her pride and joy. But her passion is making water. Her passion is small batch water. My favorite water is the tap water from my parents' house. Is it on a well system? Is it on a well?

I don't know. It can't be city water Is it on a well? I don't know. It can't be city water if it tastes that good. I don't know. You've never asked, but you specifically love it? I really love it. I love that.

It's probably from a well. I don't know. You're getting mad at me. Is it from a well or is it city? That's not what I sound like. What's your review? This is a two-star review.

Sorry, four-star review. What kind of water is this? This is, two-star review. Sorry, four-star review. What kind of water is this? This is, sorry, let me just, yeah, it's Aquafina. This is from Julie N. Okay. From Buffalo. Oh. She's upstate New York.

More like, no, this is, I just am workshopping a type five. On Buffalo? I'm improvising out of everyday observations, so like Buffalo's funny. So you're working on a type five. On Buffalo? I'm improvising out of everyday observations. So like Buffalo is funny. So you're working on a type five improv. It'll be semi-scripted, I guess. Because I don't want to lose the conversational nature, dude. It's not tight.

It may be five minutes of you talking. The five will be that of Thanksgiving Day when you're unbuckling your belt one notch. And so it's keeping the pants up, but you have a little bit more breathing room. Five. Sorry. The five minutes is you being full. Correct.

So it's not a tight five. It's a next notch on your belt loop. Five. It's not a time measurement. Four stars. Awkwafina. I mean, what can I say? It's water.

I hate the plastic packaging and it's expensive for water, but it's convenient on the go when I forget my water bottle at home. It's my go-to as the other brands are more expensive for just water. What am I doing? This is just water, but I'm reviewing it. She didn't have to follow through. She could have started and just deleted it and be like, nah, I'll just close out the tab. I don't have to do this.

But she fully was like, what am I doing? It's Saturday night and I'm in my kitchen reviewing water. Mom, are you going to come to my game tonight? Oh, man. It's the semifinals. I really, really, really wish I could go. I have some things I need to take care of at home. What things? So Dad's going to come with you.

Just some writing stuff. Oh, you're finally writing that novel? I can't come to your game because I'm going to write a review for bottled water on Amazon. I'm leaving. No, but you're ready. And then she types it in and sends it. What am I doing? It's like writer's block for a review she doesn't have to write.

It's writer's block? This was also found on a review website called Influen... I think... It wasn't on Amazon? It wasn't Amazon. It was Influenzer or something like that. What is Influenza? It's Influenzer. I hardly know her.

It's like a hip-hop version of influenza. That's really cool. Yeah. Influenza-er. I have arthritis-er. I have emphysema-er. Oh my god. No, I do have a lot of deathly illnesses. I have a lot of illnesses. Deathly?

Not deathly, but hallows. We should tell them that the email is set up. ReviewReviewShow at gmail.com and our Instagram at ReviewReview. Tag us and shit.

We'll be posting things, any visual shit from the episodes. Have you ever had sex? Of course. That's not what I was going to ask. And I'm good at it.

And I don't think you have. You haven't and you wouldn't be. I was about to say I hope she made it to her son's game, but that's something we made up and that didn't really happen have. And I'm good at it. You haven't and you wouldn't be. I was about to say I hope she made it to her son's game but that's something we made up and that didn't really happen. Well, I hope she makes it to a Bill's game. We're just so dropped in. Holy shit.

I lost myself. My moment before for that? Yeah, what was it? I was the kid and I was lacing up. You were lacing up. What was yours? I was sitting at the kitchen table, head in hands. How many wines have you had? I was just gonna say we got a whole bottle of red you read my mind we're in a nancy myers movie and i'm the protagonist the house is big but your heart is empty and the water is fine are you wearing capris made of some weird material

yeah like sand i'm wearing sand you know what I'm talking about though? Like that kind of old woman stuff. Sand? No, not sand. Like that old woman material where the pants, like grandmas wear it. Sandpaper. It's like sandpaper. I don't know. In a vat. What? I can't

explain it. It's like there's two sheer, sorry I'm getting like worked up. There's two sheer's two sheer. Sorry, I'm getting like worked up. There's two sheer layers of clothes. You've never made any less sense to me. And then sandpaper in between the sheer. What the fuck are you talking about? If I had these pants and I gave it to you, you would be like, you're describing these perfectly.

It's two sheer veneers. Stop yelling sheer. Stop saying sheer. It's two see-through mesh-esque pant layers with sandpaper in the middle. So if you go like this, like tiny violin with your fingers, it feels like a

lubed sandpaper. You need to look this up because I have no idea what you're talking about. I don't know what to look up. I was gonna say Look up sand pants. It's not gonna come up if I look that up. But like, you know the furniture brand Kreis? No. Fuck.

What are you talking about? I'm Googling sand material pants. Anything come up? No. Nothing came up. There's classic flat front, no iron dress pants from Home Depot. Wait, sorry. Home Depot has pants?

I think they wear work pants, actually. I can smell the pants. You know what I mean? Don't do that. No, it smells like talcum. It for sure does. If you've ever found pants that are sand, please let us know. Okay, this is probably similar.

I guess it's not a linen. It's like a rough linen. Hold on. It's so blurry. I can't. I don't know how else to explain this to you. What Jeffrey has just passed over to me is a zoomed in photo. A retiree.

Of a retired white lady in brown pants. I have no idea. All right. Let's just move on because I'm not going to convey it. I'll find the material and I'll bring it in some other episode. I'll bring a swatch. This is my favorite. This is Evian. This is, on

Amazon, Evian Review. April 22nd, 2017 from the Joyce Clan. So I'm guessing it's a family or a band or a cult. That. April 22nd, 2017. From the Joyce Clan. So I'm guessing it's a family or a band or a cult. That's an Irish clan, right? Yes. Five stars. The title?

Snowball exploding in your mouth on a hot summer day. I mean, go on. Best spring water in the world. And you will pay for that privilege. When I leave my water behind at school, there is not any confusion of whose it is. So you're rich about water. I'm rich about water, motherfucker. And you leave it at school?

Accidentally. I don't mean to. I pay for the privilege of having... It seems like you do mean to because then you want people to be like, whose water is this? And you're like, mine.

Yeah, I pay for the privilege of a snowball exploding in my mouth. I love cards. I love cards. Playing cards? I love playing cards. I love building a house of cards.

Two-player games? I love Solitaire. Because you don't have anyone. But I do love Evian and I'm rich about it. the water's not gonna get you friends but it's like if people see a bottle at school they're like oh that's tristan's water i don't think that's what they say they're like oh that's his water that's his it couldn't be anyone else's are your parents around they work a lot for sure but because they work a lot i have that money honey and would you rather have the money or like parents who are there for you? I mean, if I didn't have water, I wouldn't be alive to experience any of it.

So I guess I'm most grateful for the water. Tara, do you want the ticket to Frozen 2? I would love to. There's a line for me. Yeah. I'm just checking if I have enough for the ticket and for the water, which I do because I'm rich. But it's like, do I want two 24 liter bottles or a ticket to Frozen 2? I'm getting out of this.

You're going to buy two waters and not see the movie? You can go in front of me. Yeah, you can go in front of me. Hi, can I have two tickets to Frozen 2, please? Yeah, here you go. Thank you so much. See how fast that was, Tristan? That's all it takes, man.

Sorry. They had cash. It was that fast. It was exact change. They said no receipt. Have you ever tried the Evian facial spray? I came across that. I almost was going to get a review for that, but it didn't count as bottled water.

I almost got one too. What is it? Just water on the face? Yeah. It's just Evian water that you spray. We have to get it. We got to come up with a review, review facial spray. And it's half pressurized sink water, half soft stream tap from the bathroom.

You're shaking. Merchandise opportunity, ladies and gentlemen. Merchandise opportunity. If you want review, review facial spray. From my apartment. That's the best part of it facial spray. From my apartment. That's the best part of it. That's the best apartment.

Natural spring? I don't think so. This is city water. From Hollyweird. From a combination of Hollywood and Echo Park. Yeah. Ever heard of it? After people are like, no.

Ever heard of the combination of Hollyweird and Echo Park? Tap water-wise? Yeah, I'm not going to approve you for this loan. This is a bad company to start. You want a bottle of tap water from two different neighborhoods in LA? No one's ever done it. Yeah. No one's ever done it.

No one has ever put hard stream tap water. You know what? I bet hard stream does not mean what we think it means. We think it's just fast pressurized. It's probably like the quality of tap water. You know what? I bet hard stream does not mean what we think it means. We think it's just fast pressurized. It's probably like the quality of the water. Well, she said it was just it tasted hard, which probably just means heavy in her mouth. Yeah, which I guess that is a certain thing of like some people are like if you have soft water in your shower. And I know that just doesn't mean soft pressure. Oh.

I don't know what it actually means. I bet. God, I don't know what it actually means. I bet. God, I feel so dumb. You shouldn't feel dumb for not knowing about water. That sentence makes me feel dumb for not knowing about water. I misspoke. I did. I should have said,

you shouldn't feel bad about knowing the ins and outs of plumbing in terms of hard. Hey, man, don't feel stupid for not knowing about eating. No, I just like, I didn't know you had to do it. That and like, don't feel dumb for not knowing like your name. I know it now, but there was a period where I didn't. So I appreciate you saying that because a lot of people made fun of me for that. Yeah.

I'm saying don't feel bad. The DMV made me feel bad. Yeah. I bet they would. I was waiting for a while. Did you have to write down? Did you just kind of fudge it? I was stumped with the form like the first thing they ask you and i was just like what is it i couldn't fucking figure it out and you couldn't check your id because you didn't

have one it was redacted on my id do you have any credit cards any debit cards not in my name whose name just various people's you stole credit cards well at the time, if you look at it, yeah, I stole them. But at the time, I thought that was my name. I thought it was mine. I thought they stole my wallet. Am I being arrested or detained? Because I can leave if I'm not. No, you absolutely are now being arrested.

Damn it. Fuck. So before I said that last sentence, I was fine? Yeah. Well, before you said that last sentence, I didn't know that you had stolen multiple people's wallets and credit cards. I gave it back. I would have given it back. If it hadn't been for...

This conversation. You were planning on going and giving it all back. No, I will go give it back. I would have. Well, now we'll go give it back. We'll take it from you and make sure they get... I can do it. You don't have to send me to jail.

I don't trust that after that I'm going to let you go and you're going to find everyone and give it back. Being like a brat in an interrogation. If you let me go, I won't do it again. How can I believe you? You've stolen 23 credit cards. Supposedly for the names. I don't know. I can't remember at this point.

I needed the cash, sure. Yeah. But I thought it was my cash. You need so many layers of help. Should I do my last review? Yes. I also just want to say really quickly, when we have live shows, we should sell, review, review facial spray made of tap water.

I think we should just get a big cartel or an e-commerce setup for items. And sell faceless, right? It's easy to make. You just need to... The overhead is not a lot. Do you think anyone would buy it? Yes. If you think you'll buy tap water from two people you don't know, let us know.

Oh, somebody DM'd me. A guy named Pucity said, when's the podcast, you son of a gun? So why don't I send him a thing, right, of us? Yeah. No, look happy for him, right? He's going to hear this eventually. Yeah, in 2030. All right.

So I took a photo of Riley and I'm going to say, soon, ass. We just lost a listener. Well, maybe, but like we're going to have so many. We don't need Pucity. Pucity, I'm really sorry about this treatment. No, maybe, but we're going to have so many. We don't need Pucyd. Pucyd. I'm really sorry about this treatment. No, I'm just saying. Yeah, I know. You're just saying we don't need a valued listener

and fan. Next review is Poland Springs. Oh, dear. No, just move on. Do it. Because you're attacking me. You're attacking Pucyd. What? Pucyd. One star for Poland Springs. Where? What?yd. One star for Poland Springs. Where? What?

Amazon. Amazon. No name attached to it. Okay. Very unsettling bottled water. Shouldn't be. Let me start this review by saying that I have many fond... Okay, I'm going to emphasize this because there's a lot of capitalized for emphasis things.

So can you start over and just like really make the... Like, sorry, I'm just going to give you a note. I know it's like really not cool to like for actors to give the, like, sorry, I'm just going to give you a note. I know it's like really not cool to like for actors to give other actors notes, right? But I am going to give you one. That's what the director's for.

Yeah, just imagine I'm directing right now. Really, really differentiate the lowercase and the caps. Like I want to hear the lock go on and then off.

I can do that. You sure? Okay. Don't say that. Don't say, are you sure that condescending off. I can do that. You sure? Mm-hmm. Okay. Don't say that. Don't say, are you sure, that condescendingly. I can do it. Let me start this review by saying that I have many fond memories of 16.9 ounce Poland Spring brand bottled water from the farm, the local graveyard, et cetera.

But my, oh my, how this product has changed. To start, the packaging feels very off. The plastic feels almost squishy. The cap is painful to open. Scraped my hands three times, blood everywhere. And as for the water itself, the texture is just very unsettling. You might say, this is just water. But if you look very closely at the ingredients,

there are many chemicals in this water. My diet used to consist solely of Poland spring water for roughly 40 plus years, but you just lost a supporter. I had many a fond memory of me as a boy from the farms to the local graveyard, sipping my 16.9-ounce Poland Springs. But things are different now. It's always phones this, phones that. Everybody's on their phones, and Poland Springs water isn't what it used to be.

I drank it at a cemetery. Grandpa. Did I mention that? Grandpa, we just wanted you to say what you're grateful for at Thanksgiving. I'm grateful that I, at one point in time in my life, had the 16.9 ounces Poland Springs water at a graveyard. You have poured everyone here Voss water because you said you wanted high quality stuff. How could we have known that you wanted that specific amount of the specific brand you

drank in a graveyard? You gave me Voss water and now I'm at a loss for water. I had 16.9 ounces of Poland Springs outside of Jerry Lewis's mausoleum for the better part of a decade every single day as a youth. So you were hydrated at a cemetery. Yes. Keep in mind, I'm old. So Jerry Lewis hadn't died yet. He just had preemptively bought a mausoleum. Was the hope that you wanted Poland Springs tonight or are you just going on a rant about how you miss it? I like being able to talk about the days of yore. I mean, if you don't want any more Voss, I guess I could go out to the store and get

you Poland Springs. That'd be nice. I thought you would say no. It is Thanksgiving. It is Thanksgiving. I thought you would say no, stay in at Thanksgiving. I'm just grateful to be here with my granddaughter and my family. Your father's alright. Your mother

grew on me. But I never liked you. I pour Voss on your plate. Drink up, you old bitch. That hurt my feelings, but goddammit if I don't respect you after that. Slurp it up. I love it.

Like a cat. This has always been my least favorite water. Poland Springs and Arrowhead is kind of like this too. I could chug like five full bottles of them and not feel satisfied. Right. it's like having rice cakes i rice cakes fill me up well yeah okay like if you put like peanut butter on them or hummus or something right just that makes it like it's like a good little snack it's like you don't want to get too full but it's like you have enough to like hold you over until like a bigger meal like lunch or dinner or something yeah um it's like kind of nice if you want to put other things on it um little different spreads or anything.

It's actually a really great vehicle for that. I tried making a peanut butter jelly sandwich once with rice cakes and it was super dry. It was not a good idea. I thought it was going to be fine, but it actually like really dried my mouth out because it was actually too much of the rice cake. And I didn't put enough of the spread in there, but then it's like I didn't want to put too much spread lest I make it too soggy. Are you still going to that therapist? What? Are you still seeing your therapist?

Once a week, yeah. Good, okay. Why? No, just, there's something wrong. I mean, I'm dealing with the stuff about, like, my family and, like, um, just kind of history stuff. Like, I think we're doing really well on other fronts. You're diving into spreads. You're diving into spreads.

You're using the worst vehicle possible. You're eating paper i mean what's actually going on is my question because it's not about the rice cakes it's not about the spreads i've never been good enough there it is i hate rice cake of course um we've been talking for a long time about water. This is the most I've ever discussed bottled water. You know when like, I guess one of two scenarios. You know when you read something, you read a book or you read like an article and it teaches you something and then suddenly you see that thing everywhere? This is that from now on.

Like I'm going to start really noticing bottles of water. And I hate that that's the case for me. Yeah. I'm sorry. I usually never think about it unless I see one of those weird Nestle ones. Smart water tastes

like an airport. Evian, that person was right, absolutely tastes like a snowball melting in your mouth. Fiji tastes like something you'd have on the side.

It's like, yeah, you want to be eating something with a Fiji. Were you about to say Fiji tastes like something you'd have on the side?

That could be any of the waters. Fiji is to the dinner table as mashed potatoes is to the dinner table. I mean it, though. That's exactly what it tastes like. Essentia is a meal unto itself. Essentia is, again, it's too airport-y for me. So you don't like the electrolyte taste? I don't like the electrolyte taste.

I love it. That's disgusting. At least you're consistent. If you loved Essentia but hated Smartwater, I think it's just some kind of bias. If any of you, if anyone who's listening to this, the five people who will probably listen to this show, understand what I'm saying, please reach out to me and

let me know you know what I mean with Evian that's your favorite melted snow is just rainwater pretty much Evian oh my god I almost just said say it say it without laughing okay say what you were going to say without laughing once you compose yourself you have to say oh my god you were gonna say you're gonna send me away you're gonna put me in a home. I would have already done that if I was ever going to do that. Straight face. You can't even smile.

That's not going to happen. If you smile, you have to start it over. That's not going to happen. Okay, okay. Evian. Fuck. Okay, I can't look at you. Evian tastes like there's no one there. It's an abandonment issue.

Water. My dad left and meets Evian. I just fully shocked myself. That would be an amazing ad campaign for Evian. It's like, you know how there's major ad campaigns where there's multiple episodes of the same thing. Like the Jack in the Box, like Jomo. Yeah.

Audition for that, didn't get the part. Where, so it's like somebody's like coming home from a long trip, like a work trip or something and it's like, guys,

I'm home. And then it's just like you watch their like smile fade as they realize their family is out doing something. And it's one of those things that people are watching. It's like, what is this ad for

what is this advertising and people are trying to guess it's like is it for like is it for Amazon Echo yeah is it for

something Evia tastes like there's no one there we have to stop talking about water this shook me all week long.

Investment portfolios. What? I'm trying to go from zero to diversified within a week. You can't. Huh? What have you been investing in? I haven't yet. Yeah.

So I guess anything would be diversified. Index funds, right? I don't know what that means. It's basically you invest in like 500 different stocks a little bit. So you don't get adjusted. You don't get affected if one stock plummets, right? I'm going to make enough for a down payment. My goal is to own a house by the time I'm 30, which is in eight years. So I think I can do it. I need to save... Give me a second. Bad at math. Don't cut any of this out.

I'm not going to. I just want people... What was the number? It's not $20,000 because that wouldn't be enough for the down payment. It's $25,000 a year. It's like you're searching for the answer in me.

I need to save $25,000 a year, which means I need to make enough to save $25,000 a year. So hoping this podcast takes off and that you, for some reason, let me take all the profits. And HeadGum will also let you take 100%. Oh, if that's the case, then you can take your share. I'll allow it. So that's what shook you all week. Well, what shook me is learning about index funds, learning about the S&P, the Vanguard ETFs, right?

So that's what shook you. There also seems to be a visual component to every episode we've done for some reason. So I think that we could just announce the pod on the Instagram every week with that photo. Like this week we can do the sand pants. The sand pants. We'll figure it out. Early days. What shook me all week long? I'm glad sand pants. The sand pants. We'll figure it out. Early days. What shook me all week long?

I'm glad you asked. Saw a show in New York. Saw Cyrano de Bergerac. Nice. Starring Peter Dinklage as Cyrano. So he had the ears and everything. Wait, no, that's something else. The show, I didn't't know is a musical adaptation.

Had no idea going in until we sat down, opened the playbill. How'd you feel about that? It was not very good for a lot of reasons. I'll tell you off the pod. Okay. It was just one of those shows. There was a person in it who I'm like, that's Jeff. And I'll tell you later.

This is not conducive to the pod. Anyway, Marika, shout out Head Gummies, also saw it. We talked at length about it. That show just really shook me. When are we going back to New York? You were just there to sing at Carnegie. Humble. Didn't even bring it up.

Didn't even bring it up. Second year in a row. It was very fun. Second CRNO. Second CRNO. Will not see that show again. Are you going to do it again next year? I hope so.

Is there any word of it happening again? Not sure. I'm sure the concert will happen again. I don't know. I'd love to do it again. Who was there? Colby Calais was in it. That's amazing.

She sang bubbly. Tori Kelly was incredible. She made me cry. She was insane. She was good in sing. And Lisa Fisher, who is an icon. Right, I saw your

Instagram story afterwards. Riley sent me a text being like, I'm sharing a dressing room with Lisa Fisher. And I was like, who? And then she said that she used to sing with the Stones, which I thought was cool. Still does sometimes.

Still does. Sang with Tina Turner. Right. She's in 20 Feet from Stardom, which is like a whole doc about backup singers who have the most incredible voices. And then on your Instagram story was her singing in rehearsal. And it was the most incredible thing I've ever seen in my life. So that's what's been shaking me.

We should record, no, but my point was we should record an episode in HeadGum New York. Yeah, it'd be very fun. And have Jake on. That would be fun. And also maybe Marika.

That would be fun. Not Pyle, because, you know, his whole thing. Oh my God. He's like rich and hilarious and smart. Got any fun plans

this weekend? Friday. I'm going to see She and Him. Nice. Don't ask if that's what you're going to be responding to

I was serious I'm seeing them with Ace Deschanel style and they're doing like the Christmas music thing at the Ace

that's fun so that'll be fun lovely what about you glad you asked yeah you were waiting for me to ask Friday

at 2pm so specific there is an exhibit at the California Science Center it's called Dogs! A Science Tale.

T-A-I-L. We are going. I have to go, actually. It is a hands-on exhibition. Are there real dogs there? Nope. It's all about the relationship

between dogs and humans. It is very much for kids. And we are very much excited to go. That's kind of a children's museum overall. Absolutely it is. We cannot wait to go. That's really exciting much excited that's kind of a children's museum overall absolutely it is uh we cannot wait to go that's really exciting that's that and then uh i truly don't know what else i'm doing this the weekend i think a christmas two christmas parties boom nice yeah you're not coming to my christmas party i'm not going to your christmas party i'm seeing star wars

star wars is in the theaters for weeks we're're going opening night. Yeah. With a group. Do you have anything to plug? If you are in Chicago, if you are in Evanston, Illinois, any time between December 28th and New Year's Eve, come on down to Studio 5 in Evanston for Bag of Fun Practical Theater Company's variety show, holiday variety show.

We have four shows, December 28th, 29th, 30th, 31st. And if you stay on the 31st, there is a New Year's show at the event space with a wonderful jazz band playing. That's cool. I'm in it. Barry Chair, Daniel Rasheed is in it. It's going to be a great time.

You get a bunch of Barry Chair's family. Is it free? It's not. And is it easy to get to? If you're in Chicago. Every part of it is difficult. I don't know when this is coming out. It'll be after.

It'll be after. We will have had the show. I was going to say I could drive to Chicago to see the show. You should. No. Why? Because it's going to be snowing and my family's going to miss me. Come on the 28th.

Come opening night. Maybe. Wait, that would actually be so fun. It would be fun, but if she's getting there on the 29th, then I'd have to be back the next day early. Yeah. Maybe. Wait, that would actually be so fun. It would be fun, but if she's getting there on the 29th, then I'd have to be back the next day early. Yeah. No, I don't want to do that. Why? I'll think about it. You're not going to come. I'm not going to come. For those of you out there who don't know Jeffrey James personally, if he says maybe, he's not coming. If he says no, that means he'll probably show up. No, just ask me again. Are you going to drive to Chicago?

Probably not. So you're coming. Maybe. You're not. Let me have a friend that I'll never see. So is they really a friend? I'll stay up half the rice. Having tons of coats.

I could stay up half my ice. And Heather hit the bed. Deathly Hallows. Harry Potter 8. Deathly Hallows I'm so sorry What do I press? Square the square stop button This one?

Yeah The red No the other one This one Yeah That was a HateGum Podcast