Review Revue - Box Hair Dye

Episode Date: August 22, 2023

Reilly and Alf are back and shagadelic.    Follow at: IG: @reillyanspaugh @alfredinnit Twitter: @reilecoyote  Join the discord here! Produced by Daniel Ramos @Schubirds Advertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fm  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Pull it. review it review it Review it. Bullet. Bop it. That was from Fancy Octopus. That was a bop it seance theme. Fancy says, summon the bop it. Recorded all analog in a cabinet to ensure the spell casts correctly. What was the spell? I'm so scared. So that's, yeah.

I'm sure everything's fine. I'm sure everything's going to be'm sure everything's gonna be fine. Wouldn't look too much into that. Do you feel like there's blood coming out of my eyes? Ass? My eyes. That was, if you haven't heard our Bop It episode, that was from the Telltale Bop.

Oh, we did a Bop It episode. Are you for real? Look, man, it's been a long year. Are you actually for real you forgot you thought that someone just sent in oh my god no no no how thick can you fucking get all right all right oh my god you thought someone just sent in a random look look it's not we've done so fucking many of these dude i've done so fucking many of these, dude. I've done so fucking many.

I've only done like 33 or something. It's hard to remember, okay? Well, don't speak for everybody. Oh, are you clutching a little pillow? It's hard for me to remember. Ew. What's new with you other than your short-term memory loss? Sorry, what was the question?

What's new with me? It's summer, but it's the good kind of summer. Summer in Chicago has been weird, and it's been way too hot. But the last three days, it's been in the 70s, and fuck, it's been good. I've just been walking around, biking around, going to the lake, just enjoying the cool breeze. No climate to get me down here. What's going on with you? Oh, speaking of climate, it's so funny that you mentioned the good kind of summer because here in Southern California,

you know, we normally get June gloom. Didn't happen. But then we got weirdly cloudy and rainy in July. And at the time of recording, Saturday, August 19th, the morning of Saturday, August 19th, Hurricane Hillary, hashtag I'm with her, is on its way. Is that what it's called?

It's called Hurricane Hillary? Yes. And it is the first time, I believe the first time ever that Southern California has been put under tropical storm warning. So it's very cool. And I time, I believe the first time ever that Southern California has been put under tropical storm warning. So it's very cool. And I definitely, I had a lot of stress dreams last night about kind of like world ending catastrophes. Kind of the same feeling because it's like a lot of us here. Podcast ending.

No. And I know granted that LA is going to be hit way, like not as hard as the desert and Baja, California. And it's, I'm, I'm just very scared for what that's going to look like. And also everyone here, we have no idea how to prep for a fucking hurricane. So Daniel and I this morning in bed, we're like, do we get water? Do we, so we're, we're, you know, it's a, it's's a wild time but i had a very scary dream um do you remember like i think it was like 2013 maybe 2012 i think i don't remember the bop it episode you

think i remember 2013 do you remember like like it was 10 whole years but it was like the mayan calendar predicts that the world's gonna i'm sorry like that there was do you know what i'm talking about yes and it was 2012. They made a whole movie about it. That's why I corrected myself. What I'm saying is it was that kind of dream. But what I'm saying is it was that kind of dream where it was like we knew that it's like,

oh my God, at this time, everyone's gonna die. And so it was like, what are we doing with our last moments? It was very scary. And in my last moments, unfortunately, I was playing Mario Kart in my dream. Hey, she died as she lived. You know, I used to have a lot of apocalyptic dreams as a kid about nuclear war. Oh, sure.

Which is interesting, right? Because I'm not 60, but you might think it, given by that. Well, yeah, I would say I need a blood test because I don't fully believe it. Look, I certainly need a blood test because I don't feel so... Passes out. You should hear Thud. I also got my bangs trimmed. No way!

Holy shit! No, my God. First time in like eight weeks First time in like eight fucking days. You suck shit. Speaking of hair, though. No, that's too straightforward. That's too one-to-one.

Okay. You need to go more, you need to find a way around about, you know what I mean? Speaking of, speaking of apocalypse, speaking of death, speaking of dying. Okay. How about dying your curtain bangs from a box? We're talking boxed hair dye today. And this was, so, okay okay we're doing this new thing we're doing this new thing um we put sorry i guess this was a really um that was really

underwhelming way of saying like we we put out on instagram you're describing the simplest thing i know i know you put a poll on instagram and said anyone got any ideas for topics Instagram. It's like you're describing the simplest thing. I know. And it was complicated. You put a poll on Instagram and said, anyone got any ideas for topics? Riley and Alfred are too fucking tired and dumb to come up with one of their own. No, it wasn't that. It was like, I think it's fun. So anyway, we got a lot of amazing suggestions. And we're going to keep doing this because we hear the podcasts and the podcasts want

democracy. And we love everyone's ideas. So we got boxed hair dye as a wonderful suggestion from Instagram user Danielle. I'm not going to give your full handle. And moving forward, if you guys want us to give your full handles, we certainly can. But just in case, we're not going to do this one. Should have asked that before. But anyway, so Danielle, thank you so much for boxed hair dye. Alf, talk to me about it.

Well, you use boxed hair dye. There's one thing you need hair, which is kind of tough for me. Uh, I've never used boxed hair dye. I have the only, my only foray brief into hair dye was when I was in like third grade.

I got really into, just hear me out professor r okay yeah I mean literally picture this it's third grade professor r dyes hair it's third grade I have a mohawk I'm like I'm like I'm like super gluing you know the fucking hair gel that's basically just like horse hoof and you're i'm like into like a pointy fucking mohawk and then i'm taking pictures uh i don't i genuinely don't know if i do can you ask your parents i don't know if i want to find those and then i mean but let's be clear about one thing the i wanted the mohawk look so bad but i it was like maybe like two inches off

the top of my... It's like a baby foal. Exactly. It's like a little foal coming out. I looked like the fucking Shape of Water guy. It was like a ridge on the back of my skull. But I was really into those, which I'm sure is going to ultimately be the thing that kills me, the cancer that I will have received from spraying an ungodly amount of like the like

halloween store like spraying dye so imagine it's like you gel what color would you gel uh dye it bright fucking red bright red yeah red why and it just looked like it was uneven and shit and just like neon red. I mean, it probably looked, okay, you take that kid and now his face, sticky with red Gatorade, of course. Yeah, I was going to say, and you're already like, your British complexion. I know. You have like such a rosy complexion to you. I know.

I don't wear red very often because it makes me look permanently sunburned. Which, I mean, I kind of, you know, look, there are many avenues. Red Gatorade ring, red Rhodesian Ridgeback fucking shape of water. Literally. Mohawk. So, yeah, that was really my one foray. And not even box dye. So the one topic that we're talking about.

Can't dye. Can't dye. You've dyed your hair, right? I dye my hair. I've never used box dye because that one topic that we're talking about can't die you've dyed your hair right i dye my hair i've never used box dye because that would make me too nervous so i i did not start dying my hair let's drill into that um because then it's on me and that feels very scary um it feels like a lot of pressure and i feel like it's something that i would definitely end up looking like harry potter or malfoy and i'm looking like alfred with his fucking red mohawk no you wouldn't you'd have to really fuck it up to look like that um so i do dye my hair but i it's like i only started doing it

like two years ago and i get it done like twice a year because you woke up one morning and your hair had gone fully white. Well, yeah. Well, here's the tea. Because you got bit by that witch. Well, I did get bit by the witch. But there's a lot of other side effects as well. But we don't have to go into it.

I do have so many gray hairs. Really? So many gray hairs. It's because you're wise beyond your years. It's because I'm a single mom. I work as a do-job. 29 is like. I i'm 27 29 is 29 old or young to have gray hair it's like i don't have enough like my hair is already gray like my hair is

transparent i have i started getting gray hairs when i was like 23 because i at first i thought it was like because we've been friends for a while and the stress is really starting to get to you. But because my maternal grandfather went white very young and my mom, like she warned me that that would be the case. And so I've just noticed that. And at first I started plucking it out, but now I'm like, you know, fuck it. And honestly, I don't even dye my hair because of the gray hairs. I don't mind the gray hairs that much. I just like having a little bit more like an auburn copper red tint because naturally your hair's darker brown my hair is like very dark brown but is that what color your hair was when we met was like your natural hair color yes interesting interesting do you dye your eyebrows too or just your hair i used to tint my

eyebrows just a little bit darker but then cope it happened and then i stopped gave up on that um because i was seeing reviews for people where people were using beard tint like dye dye to like get your beard the gray or using the box for your eyebrows that's a lot people were using it as eyebrows and i was like that's so much box dye and this is the thing i'm ignorant when it comes to box dye but i think why why i can appreciate i would you know i understand that it's like box dye is a hundred percent the affordable option compared to going to the salon but because i'm too scared of fucking it up i've definitely assisted several box dyes uh yeah i've definitely been there you know and held people is that the fear is that it just looks like one color like if it's like if it's right like that there's no dimensionality to it it's a little bit sims like when you change the sims color to green and their hair is just like it looks like they're

wearing an helmet um and especially when you're going from darker to lighter and like there's like bleach involved there's so much room for error i also think yeah there's room for like damage too right because dying your hair is inherently can damage. And if you're blonde, if you're naturally blonde, then it's like you have so much more freedom to like dye whatever the fuck you want. Do you think I should dye my hair? I think for Halloween, you should do all red

and look like fucking the demon from Insidious. I mean, I kind of already look like fucking the demon from insidious i mean i kind of already look like i'm sort of rocking a darth maul kind of yeah um but yes i've never done it but there have been times i think probably before like when it was like peak lockdown covid and i was too scared to go to the um salon or anything like that. The thought of getting just like an all burn box dye was appealing to me, but I'm just too scared. I'm a little weenie baby and people who can dye it and have it look good and do a killer job. I have so much respect for because it's like doing that. It's cheaper. You do it yourself.

You keep up the maintenance yourself. Right? Yeah. You don't have to. I don't have that skill. You don't have to wait and then sit in the chair for fucking four hours and pay a million dollars. You don't have to pay a lot of money. Yeah. I mean, similar to the self-tanner, right? In our self-tanner episode, look at him. He's remembering an episode we did in the past. Maybe nature is healing.

We are the virus. And where it's like, yeah, if you can do it yourself, you're going to save a lot of time and money. But it's so easy to fuck it up the thing is i would be more i'd be more keen on trying self tanner than i would box dyeing my own hair because i feel like it'd be you know with like a natural self tanner you might look stupid or like look like you have streaky legs if you fuck it up whatever but if you fuck up your hair it's like that is like damage to your hair and it just takes longer to correct it right a botched self-tanner will like the the longest that will haunt you is maybe like two weeks yeah if you fuck up dyeing your own hair

that that could haunt you for months on end yeah so i get that um do you want to start us off do you want to do like a what's the um... Fuck, I can't remember the premise. You do a... We read reviews, is that right? You're so stupid. What the fuck? Okay, this one is for Revlon Color Effects Platinum. So this is platinum blonde hair dye, baby.

And funny enough, this is a five-star review from Riley M. Ant Spa. Nope. Last name M. Ant Spa. No. Riley M. Okay. Riley mean to me. Five stars from Riley mean to me.

Five stars. The title is Platinum Hair Dye. I have not tried it yet, but will tomorrow. However, I tried it before many years ago, and it worked very well for me. Better and most definitely cheaper than going to the hairdresser. Would highly recommend for anyone who's trying to go from dark to light hair. Have not tried it yet, but will tomorrow. Used it once many years ago. Especially going from dark to platinum blonde hair. Right, it's not just sort of a lightening.

Which also takes hours and hours to do. But the confidence, the sheer confidence of like, well, I haven't done this in a long time, but honestly, I don't even need to try it before I review it. And that was five stars? I know it's going to be amazing.

And it was five stars. And that was five stars. That was a full-tested... Five stars. Have not tried it yet, but will tomorrow. That's great. I love that for them.

Okay. Sarah, as my best friend i felt like you should be the note sorry i'm a little nervous the first to know that uh yeah after a long hiatus your girl is finally getting out there and dating again oh my god no freaking. And I honestly, like, can I be real with you? Of course. I just, like, I think he might be the one. Oh, well, slow your roll here, Jazz. So first thing I'm hearing is that you're getting out there and dating again, and now you're saying you think you've met the one? I, like, honestly, and, like, I'll even go further.

I know he's the one. Who the hell is this guy? Let me meet him, huh? Put him up! Okay, well, and like, I'll even go further. I know he's the one. Who the hell is this guy? Let me meet him, huh? Put him up. Well, hold on. Well, I have to meet him first, but I know he's the one. So once I meet him, then for sure you can meet him. But his name is Buster.

And let's hope he doesn't bust my chops too much. But his name is Buster. And he is a zookeeper. So I thought, very cool job. You don't meet a lot of those every day. No, that is a zookeeper. So I thought very cool job. You don't meet a lot of those every day. You don't meet a lot of those every day. I've never met one. Um, I've never met one either.

I've never met one either. So I'm very excited to meet him. Um, he is a Virgo and he, I think has a couple siblings, I think lives nearby. But honestly, all of that, like, it doesn't matter because I just feel in my bones. Like, I just know that, like, I'm going to be Mrs. Buster Zookeeper. His last name is Zookeeper. I don't know his last name. Oh, okay.

So you don't know his last name yet. No. Okay. So, Jess, you know that I love you, right? Yes. And by the way, girl, are you going to finish that mimosa? Because if not, then I'll have a little bit no no I have a gut

thing at the moment you can finish it um you know look you know you've been off the radar for a little bit um we've had you know like book club it's been a little empty recently oh well yeah no and I know

but it's like going through a breakups are hard. Oh, girl. Breakups are hard. Don't I know it. I mean, shit, look at me. But- Wait, you've been going through a breakup too? Yes, the divorce.

Oh my God, Sarah, I'm so, I've been so wrapped up in- Charlie Love. God, my own self. I had no idea. Yes yes ran off with the bowling teacher oh Sarah babe oh my God the big D big divorce I put I put

it in the I put it in the slack I put it in the company slack you didn't see like I pretty clear that I'm getting it just again I'm so sorry I've just been wrapped up my own yeah i don't want to do this i actually don't want to do this but i'm gonna do it you have this problem and like i'm so this is a friend call out okay this is a call in that i'm doing right now okay

i call me and you have this problem and it's happened before and it's i think it's happening again where you get tunnel vision okay where you meet a guy you just have to be honest and you knew that i was gonna say that i knew you're gonna say okay so what's your prepared defense if you knew i was gonna say that jazz i listen i know you're not gonna believe me but this time it's different and i know i say that every time how can this time be different just you say that with every guy it's gonna be different but this one is um because with other guys i've just seen it as like oh he's the one for six months he's the one for the night uh but no but i honestly think that that buster is the one okay quick fire quick fire girl quick fire quick fire i've got some rapid fire questions for you okay so you're on

board so you so you're like you're fully in don't know what gave you that impression okay it's just your tone seemed a little happy nope it's more aggressive that's the difference okay um i'm not good with reading how did you meet bumble when'd you meet um what time is it now for i would say like noon okay we matched at noon yeah well. So I've tried on him. So I'm still waiting to get that. Sorry, he hasn't. He will. Well, he just probably doesn't see. Often within four hours, it's like they've seen you on the app. They've already, you know your answer.

Well, no, because actually Bumble has like, I don't know if you've ever been on Bumble because you were married for a while. But hey, now that, you know, might get you back on. I don't think that's true. They actually have like a 24 hour thing. So it's like if they don't match you in a certain amount of time or maybe that's just like talking it doesn't matter it hasn't been that long okay um you know what girl i wish you the best of luck um i have to go to a to a hearing for the divorce right now wait this is moving fast the divorce divorce yeah i mean he said he wants you know he said he said that he wants her to be his new me um he said those words and who am i to say how

did she react to that she collapsed also how did you know that were you there yes Yes, I was right there And she was there when he told me Cut to that Hey, sweetie Babe, what's wrong? Sorry Sarah, there's really no easy way to say this What's the issue? Or do this

What's up, Chuck? We had a. What's the issue? Or do this. What's up, Chuck? We had a good run. Right, Charlie? We had a good run. We had a good run. We really did. And you're a great woman. A great wife.

A good run. Is that why you're so sweaty? Because you went for a run? There's someone I want you to meet. Hey, Trixie, come on out. Oh, that's the bowling teacher. That's your bowling instructor. That's my bowling instructor.

Hey, Trixie. Good to see you, girl. Love those boots. Trixie doesn't feel comfortable engaging in conversation in this specific conversation right now. I beg in your pardon? But what I want to say, because you are

the two ladies who i love most in this entire world and so this pains me to say this but sarah we really did have a good run i cannot stress that enough um but trixie i Trixie. Trixie's just standing blank face. Trixie, I want you to be the new Sarah. No, come on. You don't have to give me a round of applause. No, no. I mean, shit. I'm clapping too.

I'm clapping too. You know what? That's what I always laughed about you is you stood up for what you wanted and who am i to stand in the way of your happiness um you are going to be served with divorce papers probably the next couple hours and i'd love to see you if we could all go to the hearing together the three of us i think that could be kind of special i um i biked here can i throw can i throw the bike in the back of your car? If you want a carpool. I look at Trixie. Trixie just stares back. I'll just bike.

I'll just bike. I'll just bike. That's fine. Come back to the brunch. Come back. So yeah, that's basically the rundown. What happened? It's like a really mutual, kind of like an amicable three-way divorce.

It's like totally normal. Yeah, no, it sounds like it. It sounds like a totally normal three-way divorce. But enough about me. Sounds like your shit's kind of whack right like this guy you just met like four hours ago and you're already convinced he's the one like that's kind of messed up right i mean i don't know i feel like you're being kind of judgy to be honest oh sorry it's just like that's interesting you know you know it's like i'm just kind of looking out for my friend.

But I guess if I'm being judgy. No, you are looking out for me. It's just there's a difference. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Goodbye. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. There's a difference. Left alone.

Door opens. Hey, yeah. So I'm going to be meeting some friends here in a little bit it's gonna be like there's gonna be like five of us do you guys have a table i know we should have i know we should have i'm sorry um do we know each other? Yeah You could say we do Okay

Do you work at the zoo as well? Or is it a Do I work at the zoo? You're so funny I knew I'd love that about you Why don't you take a seat? It's obvious that you've been wanting to And that's why you came here

No, I'm actually meeting some friends That's very kind of you remind me your name again i'm sorry you're so silly i love this little game uh my name is jess what's your name it's buster i know it's buster yeah um buster this is moving really quickly um what i will say I love that you came here to surprise me I mean it's like after all this time it's like this is what I deserve this is what I want this is what I've manifested for myself and you're such a Virgo such a Virgo thing to do

and so it's like how do you know that I'm a Virgo how did you know that I would be at this brunch spot like we just know things about each other. And so that's what I really draws me to you. And so Buster, I'm just going to catch the chase.

I do. I'll say I'll, I'll commit to you every day of my life. I do. I do. I do. Oh, um,

uh, I'm sorry. You're making me extremely uncomfortable. Um, I don't, um, are you here with somebody? Is there somebody here with you? Well, my friend was here, but then I told her about it, so she left.

Does she know what's going on? She does. Okay. She doesn't necessarily approve, but she knows. But she's with you, and she's aware of your situation. Well, the situation would be, I mean, like, no, I'm not pregnant, so there's no situation. Well, the situation would be, I mean, like, no, I'm not pregnant, so there's no situation.

No, I'm glad to hear that. Do you want, is your friend over in the restroom? She left. I mean, honestly, she could be in the restroom, but she just, she left. Okay, excuse me. Hey, excuse me, miss.

Yeah, would you mind, I'm sorry, I think my friend here, I think there's someone in the restroom who's with her. Would you be able to go check in the women's room? What's your friend's name? I'm sorry. Why does it matter? Because I want to see if she's still here in the restroom so she can come out and maybe help. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. You're trick seeing me. Sorry. I. Sorry, I don't know who that is. This is a classic Chuck and Trixie three-way divorce. Are you fucking kidding me, actually?

Chuck and Trixie. You little fuck. Whoa, what? Are you for real? After everything? I'm sorry. Okay, fine. I'll play into your little game.

Oh, Buster, it's me jess from bumble from bumble we swiped on each other you probably haven't seen me yet but okay i haven't opened the app in like a couple weeks to be honest i've there's been this girl like things have been going well so i haven't really opened the app is that where where you know me from? I thought you worked at the zoo. I thought... There's another girl. So this is like double, triple divorce. I don't think you understand what divorce is.

I honestly thought I could trust you. Yeah. I don't know why. Before I go, can I ask you something? Nothing I've wanted has stopped you from doing anything thus far, so shoot. Was any of it good? Was any of what good?

Us. This interaction? Everything. You can't be all bad memories, right memories you said that at one point early on before i realized kind of how um you were doing i uh you called me funny and i liked that that was nice it was nice to be kind of called funny that's not a word people often use for me so um that was nice that was a nice memory of this interaction everything else has been pretty upsetting uh bordering on frightening so okay

it's kind of that um well buster yeah i really it makes me so uncomfortable to hear you say my name actually before i go can i ask you one last thing? I, yeah, okay. What's your last name? I really don't feel like I should tell you that. You are- After everything we've been through? Yeah, it's just you managed to kind of, like, figure out where I was going to go to brunch, and engineer being there, and you know my name, and, like, I just, you're, the level

of stalking that you've been able to do with really limited information makes me feel like i shouldn't be giving you more personal details about myself door the door dings again tricksy comes in and stands right next to buster oh puts her hand on his butt hey uh hey babe um just just um can you just want to go um i think they have a table for us in the back i think you might just want to go, um, I think they have a table for us in the back. I think you might just want to, can you go hold the table? I just have to deal with something. Trixie just stands there, unmoving. Deadpan.

Trixie, seriously, just go wait at the table. It's not. You're fucking joking. What are you talking about? I leave. Trixie's just standing there, hand grasping your ass. Babe, stop. We're in public. Stop that.

Oh, fuck. It's so hard. I'm so hard. Shit. Gonna pop these in like a bowling ball. Hell yeah. Got a 7-10 split going. Fuck.

Let's get out of here. Fuck this brunch. Gonna pop these digits in you like I'm ready for a strike. Hell yeah. Let's fucking. Let's play without the rail guards on, you know what I mean? Fuck. Pop those digits.

Pop those digits in there. The word digit is so upsetting. Digit is so upsetting. Wait, we didn't set an intention for this episode yet. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.

I think this is going to be... Just from that reaction alone, I think it's going to be the most surprising. Oh, my God. Is that crazy to say? Oh, my God. Yeah, it's the most surprising episode ever. I think this might be the most... Oh, my God, I think I have to do a review.

Oh, my God, I'm going to pop those digits in there? It's like, this is either the most surprising or just the most forgetful. Like, I'm surprised because I keep forgetting keys. Yeah, that's good. I think we should, should we take a little titty-pitty-itty-pitty? What the fuck is that?

Alf, just show me a photo of what looks like a cadaver. We're taking a break. This is a picture that a man, the review itself is not funny, but a man posted this picture with his review for Hairdye. That is so upsetting. That is so upsetting. With his review.

We're taking a break. We're taking a break. And we're back. And Alf, I'm going to need you to put your phone down because these photos of these men are genuinely so upsetting. The cop a goal. Please put them down. I cannot stress enough how the photo that Alf just showed.

I can't look at the screen. The photo Alf just showed me looked like a corpse. Stop it. Stop. It looks like a body on ice and i'm not talking disney posted this review and said gentlemen i meant disney on ice not disney like cryogenically frozen i meant disney on ice sorry gentlemen buy this product and then it's just that picture um but that's not the review we're gonna do read a review what's the review for this is a review morgue for the mole the tv show that you liked listen listen i'd be happy to talk mole um you do a lot of that okay this is for this is for just for men easy comb in men's hair dye easy no mix application with comb applicator real black

as easy black hair dye is always tough because that it's like if it's just pure jet black with no hint of any other color then it's like mama that's a cartoon and we've got that is a cartoon yes and and what we're gonna learn from this review is that sometimes cartoons can be fit um this is from ff gonna need two names ff ff flagrant floozy fitting flagrant floozy. Fra- fitting. Flagrant floozy says, five stars.

He's graying. That's the whole review. Oh, Jesus Christ. He's graying. My heartthrob, parentheses, hubby, likes to color his hair when I'm not around. If it wasn't for our shared Amazon account,

I wouldn't even know his dirty little secret. LOL. Heart emoji. Great kit. Looks natural and can take a good 10 years off. Shagadelic. It's a rich text. It's a rich text. There was a character you made a while ago that like felt very shagadelic like you know what i'm talking about it was the weird like twin of somebody it was like was it the one with ed where we did no well that too but one of them was a real oh god yes it was

the realtor who was like playing two different characters but pretending she wasn't. And one of them was, like, just kept saying, groovy baby. Shagadelic. Maybe she'll make a reappearance in this scene because I could only do two voices. My heartthrob hubby likes to color his hair when I'm not around. If it wasn't for our shared amazon account i wouldn't even know about his dirty little secret lol took a good 10 years off shagadallic

it's also it's like i love how in her mind she has this narrative of like like oh it's his dirty little secret but for him he's probably like oh I hope my wife doesn't find out it's like this is something that's really what an awful thing to have to hide from your spouse yeah yeah yeah but something that she thinks

is like so it's like your dirty little disgusting little secret you have a naughty little secret that you dye your hair like John Travolta in Grease. You have jet black wet hair 24-7. Your dirty little

secret. Shagadelic. Shagadelic baby. A husband putting in hair dye. Just like in the bathroom. Okay. And step five. I like in the bathroom. Okay. And step five. I always forget that step.

Babe! Step four. Oh! You in there, babe? Just a minute. Just a minute, my turtle dove. I'm just taking a shit. Why did you say that, Alan?

What the fuck is wrong with you? Doesn't smell like an alan poopy in there samantha please i just i need i need a little bit of time uh okay and i've stopped before probably a present for me in there what i'm just saying there's probably a little surprise for me in there not your shit just because you're not like because you're obviously not taking a shit like i can you're obviously not taking a shit and so you don't know that so you're like yeah i kind of do like the acoustics like you're right by the door just just get get away from the door okay i need to piss i need to fucking piss alan can you just yeah no i'll piss in the sink again i'll go piss

in the kitchen sink again you don't have to piss in the sink no i'll piss in the kitchen sink like normal and i'll use the garbage disposal after to make sure i get all my piss down the drain that's disgusting no i don't want the one who suggested it i never said anything also i didn't know that you said like normal. You've done that before? Yes, because you stay in the bathroom conducting your secret little meetings, whatever the fuck you do in there. Okay. Hey.

No, I don't want this to be a fight. I'm going to take a step back. It doesn't need to be. I didn't think. Okay. First of all, I didn't think we were fighting. Okay. This isn't that deep for me.

I didn't realize. Okay. No, it's fine. I'm going to go piss in the sink and then I'm going to get on with my fucking day. isn't that deep for me. I didn't realize. Samantha! Okay. No, it's fine. I'm gonna go piss in the sink and then I'm gonna get on with my fucking day. Don't piss in the sink. Samantha, I'm gonna open the door. I'm gonna open the door. I'm gonna... You want me to piss on a fire hydrant

and walk around my tail between my legs going arf, arf, arf, I'm a little rover, don't you? I know. I want you to use a toilet. Okay. But what's gonna happen is that I'm gonna little rover don't you I know I want you to use a toilet but what's gonna happen is that I'm gonna open the door and then I need you to close your eyes for five seconds then go into the bathroom

and close the door behind you don't look at me okay if it means I don't have to fucking grovel around like a monkey in the zoo throwing my shit around outside then yeah I'll wait I never asked you to do any of those things i just need to give me a couple seconds okay so you promise that when i open the door your eyes are going to be shut you're alan it is a clear instruction i'm not a fucking child i can follow well i never gave you any instruction to

go piss in on a hydrant like a dog and call yourself rover arf arf so i don't know if it's that clear to you samantha i never told you to piss in the sink and then use the garbage disposal to make sure i'm gonna close my eyes right now and if you're not out of this bathroom i'm gonna go get a penny and i'm gonna unlock this door a penny yeah it's one of the you know like you use the penny to unlock the door i've never heard of that before. I've heard of like a paperclip and you're kind of like No, it's not a pokey one. It's a turn...

Babe, we've lived in this house for four years and you've never locked yourself out of a room before? I've never locked myself out of a room anywhere. Oh, congrats. Alan's great at fucking remembering

where he put his everything. Oh, fuck's sake. It's not remembering where he put anything. It's just knowing how to open a lock. But you don't sometimes, like, you're in the bathroom, and you're, like, you know, doing your stuff, and then you come out, like, maybe you're coming out of the shower,

and you close the door behind you, and you realize that it was actually locked when you closed it, and now you've locked yourself out of the bathroom. I can say with confidence, Samantha, that I have never done that day in my life. Well, whoop-de-fucking-do.

I'm not saying it's bad that you have. My eyes are closed, by the way. Okay, I'm opening the door. Get in, get in. I'm just kind of shuffling by you in the hall. Ow!

Get in. Fuck. Get in. What hurt you? I don't know. Something was sharp in your hand, I think. It's not.

It's not even sharp. It's like a comb or something? No. Get in the door. Get in there. Get in the door? Oh, that's a clear instruction, Alan. Oh my God.

You're being a child, Samantha. Get in the bathroom. And I'm not going to lock it because I'm so dumb I might forget about it, apparently. Oh my God. Samantha, you're being a child. Excuse me. Father may I? Mother may I? Mother may i open my that you know

i hate that whole thing of daddy may i call him men daddy because you know what i open my eyes now that i'm in the bathroom can i say i hate when women do that don't call me daddy i'm not your father here we go again oh i'm so glad i married Joe Rogan. Fucking Christ, Alan. Don't call me daddy. Like, I'm literally, if you have any issues with your father, bring it up with them. It's a figure of speech, anyway. I don't call you mommy. I've never had any desire to call you mom.

I'm aware of that, okay? But you certainly treat me like your mother the way I pick up after you. I don't... Samantha, you can open your eyes. I can tell by the tone of your voice that your eyes are still closed in the bathroom. Oh, I can? you can open your eyes. I can tell by the tone of your voice that your eyes are still closed in the bathroom. Oh, I can? I can open my eyes? I said that to you. You said clear instructions.

When I said in the beginning, I said just go into the bathroom and then when the door's closed, you can open your eyes. That's what I said. What the fuck is all this shit? Oh, fuck. There's like black shit all over.

What is this? There's like ink everywhere. What were you doing in here? He thought he was being so like clever. It's just like on the walls. Even it's on the mirror. It's everywhere. What the hell were you doing in here?

You what? Now I'm supposed to clean it up. Now that I'm, you've locked me in here. That's the fucking. I didn't lock you in. And you also, you locked the door from the inside. Well, okay. What is it?

Were you making squid ink pasta in here? What the fuck? No. I told you I was pooping. Can I please open the door and look at my husband? Okay, but I know we've had a lot of crosswords with each other this early evening but can you promise not to laugh or make fun of me because you love doing that

whenever I do anything wrong you're always like Alan you dumb piece of shit I've never Alan you stupid fuck Alan you're if you had half a brain you'd have half a brain you dumb bitch if you had half a brain I don'd have half a brain, you dumb bitch. If you had half a brain, I mean, Alan, Christ.

I don't like when you say that to me. Okay, I promise I will not make fun of you. You promise you'll still love me. You're being goofy. Yes, of course I'll still love you. You promise you won't judge me? You're my owl pal. How could I ever?

Open the door. Come on, bud ever open the door come on bud open the door i do the hair dye it's like it's slick it looks like the fawns john travolta just like absolutely slick black hair and the dye is like down to like the forehead, like not cleaned up at all. Accidental sideburns. Eyebrows dyed as well. Beard dyed. Holy shit. I knew it was a bad idea to show you. The grays have been coming in more and more.

And it just doing this makes me feel young. I'm not ready to give over to the salt and pepper yet. I know that might make me immature, but I'm just not ready, Sam. Grabs his ass. You shut your pretty little mouth. Are you gonna stick those digits in there like you're getting ready for a strike?

I'm gonna slide you down this floor like a freshly waxed aisle. Come on. Pushes him down the stairs. Holds onto his ass. Pushes him down the stairs. Kills him. Holds onto his ass. Pushes him down the stairs. Goes flying.

They both go tumbling down in a horny aisle. Do we have time for one more? I think we do. Do you have any that you're obsessed with? Do you have any? I have ones that I like, but I wanted to know if you want to go again. If you have one that you're like, do you have any i have ones that i like but it's like i wanted to know if if you want to go again if you have one that you're like oh i have to do this one i have

to do this no i mean i have one that i'm like oh i this one's pretty fun but it's not like okay let's do it are you sure yeah okay if you're sure the one that i have is just one line and i'll just read it just for fun but it's just it five stars. Other reviews just looks great on me. Sub-tweeting all the negative reviews. Looks great on me. Oh, sorry you're an uggo. Oh. Looks great on me.

Ugly, yeah. Oh, shame you're ugly. This is five stars from Jackie, no last name. What is this? Is it for the same? No, so this is for L'Oreal Paris Superior Preference Fade Defying Shine Permanent Hair Color Lightest Auburn. Okay, sounds like what I asked for at the salon. Listen, if I could get that color out of a box, game changer. It looks like Jessica Chastain hair.

You'll be shocked to learn you cannot. I mean, I'm not shocked. Okay, I see. You don't have to put her eye up to the screen. Okay, sorry, what's the name? The name is Jackie Nolus' name. Jackie Nolus' name? Nolus' name.

Jackie Onassis. Jackie Onassis Kennedy. Nope, just Onassis. Brave, powerful. I'm with her. Five Kennedy. Nope, just Onassis. Brave, powerful. I'm with her. Five stars. Shampoo hair color by L'Oreal. I should have bought stock in L'Oreal,

and I'd be a millionaire. I've been using this shade of the same product for 46 years, and I still love the shampoo. I should have bought stock. I'd be a millionaire. I've been using the same shade for 46 years. Yes.

Which, to be clear, means that she's been using the same hair color since 1977. Seven. See, like an older woman, just like, kitchen table head in her hands.

Just smoking a cigarette. Knock, knock. Oh. Uh, come in. Oh. What the hell's going on? What's going on, Arthur, is potentially the end of my life as I know it.

That's what the hell's going on. Jesus Christ, Susie. This place has gone to hell since I last was here. What's going on with you, huh? Oh, God. Arthur, you know you're my favorite brother. My only brother and my least favorite brother. Fuck. But, um... Arthur... Arthur, you know, you're my favorite brother My only brother and my least favorite brother Fuck

But, um Arthur If I can tell anyone this, it's certainly you Right I don't know how I'm gonna I am wearing like a full towel turban over my head I don't know how I'm going to explain this to Mark and the kids

Where are Mark and the kids, by the way? It's kind of... Seems kind of like no one's... But you've been here in a while. They're on a work trip. Mark took the kids with him. He had to go to Arizona, and so they went to go see the Grand Canyon. Not very grand,

if you ask me. Okay, we'll get to that. You're smoking. I don't... I don't think you've... Well, you have to take it up when you're going through what I'm going through. Have something to take the edge off. They're herbal. You see the fact it's a herbal

cigarette. It's no nicotine. Yeah, yeah. I guess you do have to take it up. Listen, Arthur, it seems like you're not understanding what's going on. I'm sorry. We got to first address why you said the Grand Canyon wasn't that grand. I've seen bigger.

Canyons. Such as? All over. You haven't seen them? You think the Grand Canyon's the biggest canyon around? You know what I'll say definitively, Susie? I've never seen a canyon. Arthur, you need to get out more.

I know. I've never left Ohio. There's no canyons here. I've seen a quarry. Quarries kind of like a canyon. In a way. I mean, it's a big fucking hole in the ground. I mean, what the fuck?

Arthur, we're getting off topic. My life as I know it is coming to an end, and you're here talking about quarries? Whoop-de-doo. Everyone's life is coming to an end, huh? Oh, God, not you with that nihilism again. I'm serious, Susie. Life's too short.

I'm sure whatever petty argument you got into It's not an argument. It hasn't happened yet and I'm sure when it does it will be anything but petty. Why don't you have more faith in your husband? You know what I mean? You're so convinced you know how he's going to respond. Well I do. I know how these young

men respond. When I married younger I thought it would just be all fun and fancy free. Tell me about it. Now that I've gotten myself into this little pickle, it doesn't seem like it's going to be fun and fancy free for little old me. I know. I thought the same thing when I married younger, but, you know, there's a certain... Je ne sais quoi I was going to say joie de vivre that younger people have it makes you kind of reflect on your own life, your own younger years

and it's intoxicating at first but there does come a time when you crave that deeper connection that comes with so you do understand, Arthur that's exactly what I've been craving I've been craving that fun and that intimacy and it does make me feel younger.

But, Arthur, God, I guess I can't tell you. I just might as well show you. I take the towel. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't need to shock you. Oh, my. No, it's my hair. Oh, sorry.

The way you moved the towel, I was very frightened. That doesn't make any sense. I'm fully clothed. The only place the towel was wrapped was very frightened. That doesn't make any sense. I'm fully clothed. The only place the towel was wrapped on my head. But the towel is so big that it was sort of cascading down over your body. Arthur, you couldn't be more stupid if you were paid to. That's probably true. Arthur, look at my hair.

Right, right. Do you not see anything different about me? It wasn't normally that color, I don't think. It wasn't normally this color, no. I've been dying at the same light auburn from L'Oreal Paris for 46 years. Okay. And so when I met Timothy, he thought that I was just a spry 42. He doesn't know that I'm 68 years old. And so now that this hair color's been discontinued,

I don't know what to do. And they come back in an hour, and I'm sitting here looking like this. Look, Susie. You know, I know I'm just your idiot little brother, you know. But I'm 65. I've seen a thing or two or three. And if there's one thing I know, it's that when you marry older, because let's be clear, I've also married older. You know that they're going to age, that they're going to go gray first, you know, that they're going to slow down sooner than you.

I hear what you're saying, but they don't know how old I am. That is the problem. Oh, well, hang on a minute. Now I think I did misunderstand. You did misunderstand. How old does he think you are? He thinks I'm 42. I just told you.

How about you listen sometime? I'm sorry. I was startled by that. And how old were you when he met you? When we met. When we met. Right. And I had kids.

Right. Because you're 68 now, so you must, these kids must be, I mean, fuck, I'm a bad uncle for not knowing their ages. But they must be, what, like 20 at the youngest? Almost. I had, well, Timothy and I met, he thought I was 42. Okay. I'm actually 68. Okay.

When we met, I was, what my actual age was? Yes, your actual age when you actually met him. Was 51. So, okay, let me get on a notepad.

Okay. And it's really messed up. The doctors called it a geriatric pregnancy, which I hate that term. I mean, it sounds like a medically accurate term for what happened to you, but that's fine. Okay.

So 51, you were, I had the twins at 52. You had the twins at 52 and you met him at 51. I sure did. Wow. Quick work. So listen, and you met him at 51 I sure did Wow quick work Well listen when you're as old as we are We've seen some things And let's make one thing abundantly clear

I know exactly what you mean So when he met He thinks that you're 22 years younger Than you actually are So when you met He thought that you're 22 years younger than you actually are, so when you met, he thought that you were 29.

No, I'm saying he... Oh, wait. Yes. Yes. I believe that's what I'm saying. So you introduced yourself at 51 as a 29-year-old, and he bought that. So we're all very clear

okay I at first I thought that he he no when we met okay he thought I was 42 so he knew he was marrying a little bit older okay so now he only thinks you're 59

surely I believe that's right or did you lie So now he only thinks you're 59. Surely. I believe that's right. Or did you lie somewhere in the middle and managed to steal some years back? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You know what happened? I said it incorrectly to you. You are right. When we met when I was 51, I told him I was 29.

Okay. Because that, I think, that was what I was assuming. And that seems to make more internal sense with the logic. You know, I think that is not what I said, but it makes more sense for what I did. Right. Right. Yes. Right.

So I don't know how to explain to you now. And how old was he then? He was 31. So he thought you were younger than him. Yes. Yes. Okay. I lied when I said he thought he was marrying older. He certainly didn't.

Okay. Old soul, maybe. Right. Right. So to be clear, your 49-year-old husband now thinks that you're 46 when in actual fact you're 68. Correct. And so- Thank you for reminding me you were having your quote-unquote your word geriatric pregnancy you were able to hide that your actual biological age from your husband well i told him him, a woman never wants her man to come to her obstetrician

appointments. Look, if there's one thing I know, and I've been married several times. Isn't he? I'm sorry. Have you actually been married before? Yes. You've never invited me to any of the weddings. I didn't want to bother you. You always seem so busy, what, with

your career and the family and the life. Bother me want to bother you. You always seem so busy, what, with your career and the family and the life. Bother me? It's you aren't there at your weddings. I know, but the first one we eloped, right? So no one was there. And then the second one, it's your second marriage. It doesn't feel that important. You don't feel like you need, you know what I mean? I can understand that.

And then each successive marriage after the second is sort of... And how many times, do you remind me how many times you've been married? Oh, fuck me. Okay. Monica, Rachel, Phoebe. Four times. That's just the cast of friends. Sorry?

And you're also named only three. Well, okay. Well, then there's my current wife. You're married now? Yeah, Gabrielle. She's Italian. All right. Oh, God. Oh, Godlle. She's a diet. All right. Oh, God.

Oh, God, I just got a text from Timothy. He and the kids are on the way sooner than they thought. Oh. Well. What do I do? Diet back or come clean. I think you really only have two options. You missed the entire issue is that I can't diet.

Why not? Why not? Because they discontinued the product. Well, why don't you just dye it a different color and say- Because I've been the same color for years. Right, but here's the fucking thing, okay? He thinks that you are 46 years old. It is not unreasonable for a 46-year woman to start dying her hair now at 46 so

you could conceivably dye your hair a different shade and say well i was going gray i didn't like it i decided to dye my hair but instead you're panicking over nothing ding dong oh oh god oh god oh god why is he ringing i'm going to the basement. I can't handle this. No, Arthur. Arthur, you're staying right here. No, Arthur. I'm playing the Wii. You are staying right here.

I'm going to your basement and I'm playing your Wii. Arthur. Arthur. No, you're staying. I hear the fucking golf music starting. No, Arthur. Sit the fuck down. Don't pull on my bad.

Coward. It's my bad knee. I put my hair back up in the towel. Okay. Okay. Okay. If he asks, just say that I took a shower. That would be an insane question for him to ask me when you are sitting right there. But if it happens, I will say that.

She was in the shower, Timothy. Does he not have a key? Is he just standing out there? Why is he ringing the doorbell? To be safe, you should just, because I know you and your big mouth, just say that she was in the shower for anything he asks. Okay, yeah, that'll seem normal. Nothing will be weird for him about that. Let me go answer the fucking door for your husband in your house.

He must have lost the keys. Must have. Yep, dropped them in the canyon, more like. Okay. He could easily fish it out. Again, it's not that big. It's true. He has huge arms.

Creak? Hello, darling. Hey, Timothy. Come on in. Hmm. Something seems different about the house. Timothy, whatever are you talking about?

It's pretty smoky in here. That's... Was someone smoking in our house? Oh, God! Um, um, Arthur! Arthur picked up a nasty habit while you were away. I'm were away. It's true. She was in the shower.

What? She was in the shower. He was smoking while I was in the shower. Correct. So because he thought that the steam would kind of help it move through. Help the smoke move through. You know how I am. Yes. Okay.

The kids. Where are the kids? I dropped them off at my parents on the way back. That's good. Because I figured you and I probably used some alone time after you've had a long week holding down the fort by yourself, and I've had a long week looking after the kids. Oh, God, Timothy. I thought you'd never say that.

We're not as young as we used to be. You know what I mean? It takes a toll. What? What's that? I said we're not as young as we used to be. We're aging. You know what I mean? I mean, Christ's sake, you're- Well, you know what I mean? It takes a toll. What? What's that? I said we're not as young as we used to be. We're aging, you know what I mean? I mean, Christ's sake, you're... Well...

I'm what? Well, I was... No, I was gonna say your younger brother, the man who you introduced to me as your younger brother, looks to be about 65. I mean, Christ, Arthur, what are you... What are you fucking doing? It's the smoking. It's the smoking. She was in the shower.

Oh, okay. He meant that I'm showered in the fountain of youth, and so that's why he's just aging at a crazy rapid pace. I don't know why you feel the need to cover for his weird shit. I'm not covering for anything. I'm not covering for anything. Why do you, and I think I might already know the answer. Why do you have that towel on your head?

Because, if you have listened to anything Arthur said, I was in the shower. She was smoking. She was in the shower. Arthur! She was in the shower. All right. Look, I don't know what you guys...

What's going on. I guess it's some kind of sibling thing. I'm going to go out to the car, grab the bags, bring them back in. Okay. Do you need any help? No, no. We're only gone for a week. It's only like four bags.

All right. Well, I'll miss you. Yeah, while I'm gone outside getting the bag I was thinking I mean Arthur you're welcome to join and you know bring Gabrielle if you want your Italian wife

you know we could do a dinner tonight I made a reservation at McCaffrey's for two but we could we could probably switch it to four. My darling, you do sound like you have an air bubble caught in your throat. I think it's the smoke

in here. I don't normally sound like this. I've never heard you sound like this. It's just a thing that happens when you get older. Sometimes men's voices get real fucked up when they get older. I've heard that. Okay, I'm going to go get the bags.

Arthur, my God. What? What's wrong? What's wrong? You really said in the shower to every single thing. You gave me one explicit clear. And then the one time you didn't, you said, oh, she was smoking. I panicked. Okay, oh, she was smoking.

I panicked. Okay, well, what are we going to do? He's going to come back and he's going to say, oh, get ready for dinner. And I'm going to take the towel off of my head. I know. I'm going to text Gabrielle and ask her to see if she wants to go to my cafe. She's going to say yes, but I should still ask because, you know, she loves a jacket potato. You know, all the fixings.

I'm getting hungry just thinking about it. All right, well, I'm going to have to figure out an excuse to figure out how to not show my hair at this dinner. What? No, no, buddy. Look, Susie, you've got to come clean about the hair. You can't hide your... What's your plan? You hide your hair from your husband for the rest of your life? Until I find another box dye that looks exactly the same as the light auburn, yes.

Look, you're raised with our family. You could live another... Husband walks back in. You could live another 40 years. And I plan on doing so. Wouldn't that be nice? Well, it will be nice because that's the average. Right now, the average lifespan is around 80-something.

Yeah, except for that secondhand smoke from Arthur. You better cut that shit out of my house. Yeah, Arthur, take it outside, Arthur. She was in the shower. Okay. So did you ask Gabrielle about the dinner? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She just texted me back.

She said we're good for dinner. Her McCaffrey's. What time? 7.30, you said? Yeah, 7.30. You going to get ready? I could go like this, but I'll probably put on a different shirt. I think let's just go.

You're wearing a bathrobe. But it's fashionable. It's silk. No. No, it looks very odd to wear that out of the house. Okay, well, I'll change my clothes. Okay, probably take that enormous towel. Fully normal outfit.

Still towel on the head. I'm ready to dine. My goofy girl, you've still got that frickin' you still got that frickin' towel on your head. Oh, it's a TikTok trend, darling. I learned from Carrie, our little girl. So I'm just going to wear it to the restaurant.

Okay. I guess we'll take the convertible. That way I can leave the top down and there's room for your crazy Marge Simpson hair. Let's just take the sedan. The sedan? Okay. Yeah. We could take the SUV.

I don't know. It's not in the best fuel economy. I really like to use that one for towing, really. Cut. Cut the restaurant. Gabrielle, you barely even touched a jacket potato. It's because it's not a meatball. You didn't tell me.

You didn't tell me you wanted it with meatballs. I could have ordered it for you, like how you like it. I thought you said to me the other day you're trying to cut back on your red meat. So I thought maybe not. Excuse me, waiter how you like it. I thought you said to me the other day you're trying to cut back on your red meat, so I thought maybe not. Excuse me. Waiter. Waiter. Waiter. Oh, God. Arthur, do not do this today. I have to take care of my wife.

Waiter. Waiter. Waiter. Yes. Hello. Hi. Hello, sir. Please stop yelling, waiter. Don't snap at me. I was snapping at you. That's exactly right. My Italian, my fourth Italian, my wife, my fourth wife, my Italian wife here. Ciao.

Ciao, Bella. Ciao, hi. Gabriella. I was mistaken when I ordered her jacket potato. She actually wanted a meatball on there. Would you be able to take this back? I want a meatball. Would you be able to take that back and put a meatball on there. Would you be able to take that back and put a meatball on there?

We, this is kind of southwestern American cuisine. Hey, hey, hey, Polly, Polly. Hands him a $20 roll. Put a frickin' meatball on there. Yeah, I can go figure out how to get a meatball on there. Come here, come here.

Gives him a kiss on the cheek. Be a good boy, to get a meatball on there. Come here. Come here. Yeah. Gives him a kiss on the cheek. There you go. Be a good boy. Go get a meatball. I will certainly get a meatball. All right, Pauly. Grazie. Good kid.

I like that kid. You know, him and his dad and I used to, you know, we were in the service together. Well, this is a lovely meal. Everything is very good and normal. Yeah. Yeah. Can I ask you a something oh yes gabriella what gabriella don't be impolite don't be impolite all i said was i want to ask her a question that was hardly impolite no no she's my fourth wife. I know what she's gonna say.

Why do you have the soup with the Marjorie Simpson towel on your head in the restaurant? Oh, because well, the young kids these days, the TikTok trend, you know, Timothy, I told you all about that. You see, Gabriella, it's the TikTok trend. It's the TikTok trend.

I'm viral on TikTok. It's true. I promise you, we have never seen trend. It's the TikTok trend. I am viral on TikTok. It's true. I promise you, we have never seen anyone with a towel under their head. Me and Gabrielle, we do these amazing videos where it's like, so what it'll be is like, you know, I'll walk into the kitchen and it'll be like making pasta with ketchup in front of my Italian wife. And then Gabrielle, she freaks out. I get a very mad. She startsaks out. I get a very mad. She starts hitting me. I get a very mad cut to one of those videos. Hey, I figured I'd make you dinner tonight, sweetheart.

Oh, okay. I already had fish in the oven getting ready. No, I think you're going to like what I'm cooking up. I'm going to make you a pizza pie, traditional Neapolitan style. Okay, that sounds lovely. Can I watch you make it? Of course.

First, we take a everything bagel. No, my darling. How could you do it? It disapaints my Italian heart. And then we take a baby belt cheese. Oh, God, I want to end my life and then we take the sweet baby rays i'm going to stab you into the chest come back to the restaurant so yeah it's basically that was the video i mean you got a picture that's a picture. We do like two a week and we get good numbers.

That's nice. Anyway, well, I guess the side of TikTok that my girl is on, it's a lot of this is the clean girl beauty, which I believe is very problematic. But I think this side is quite literally clean girl as they just fresh out of the shower. Right, right. Well, that tracks to me.

I'm not going to investigate anymore. And if my wife cries again, we're going to have an issue. Suzy. Oh, no. You go ahead. Your husband is a stalker. He is the head of the household. No, Gabrielle.

He is the patriarch. No, your conservative values have no place here. I'm going to let you go ahead. I'm going to let you go ahead. I'm going to let you go ahead. No, I want to shut my mouth and tell the men this is not a talking. No, I will absolutely speak, but I want to make it abundantly clear that I'm not doing that because of the patriarchal what you were talking about. Guys, I have a confession to make. Darling, clear your throat really quickly.

There's no smoke in this restaurant. I don't know. I think it's the candle on the table. I don't know. Polly, Polly, come over here, Polly. Polly? Right away, sir. Thank you.

Thank you. Oh, much better. No. Polly, can I have a seltzer, will you? Can I have a seltzer, will you? Yes, but right away. Testing. Well, can I have a seltzer, Will? Can I have a seltzer, Will? Yes, right away. Testing, testing. Oh, thank Christ.

There he is. Sorry, guys, I have a confession to make. Whatever, he's just my turtle dove. I know, Susie. This isn't This isn't My real hair Pulls off a toupee He's

I could have told you that It was a very shitty toupee What? No, I paid good money for this, okay? I got it from a guy in Singapore Not good enough No, I got it from a guy in Singapore I paid good money for this

Oh my god, darling, you don't have to wear a toupee. I think you're handsome and beautiful hair or bald. I'll be honest, despite what my wife says, I had no idea. I'm floored right now.

And that's not the only thing I have to come clean about. Oh god, what is it? Well, the toupee is sort of a piece of a... larger lie. Even lying to me? Yes. Well, it started out as a lie, and it just kind of spiraled to the point where it became my whole life.

You see, Susie, sweetie... I'm 79. What? You see, when we met, I was already 50. You thought I was 27. But, you know, I can have children at any age. You know, biologically, you know, sure, my sperm count drops. But I'm still, you know, I can create viable i can create viable we just became a papa that's

true and you probably know him because you're italian as well um and i you know he's my papa i'm sorry you're al pacino's daughter this is not at the point this is not at the point of this conversation no it's not the point of this conversation no wait wait we have a really funny video about this though where i want where it's like where it's like telling my Italian father-in-law, right? It's like what we say, that I'm going to warm up the Chianti in the microwave. It's a really fucking good video. And then he punches him in the throat. Al Pacino punches me in the throat.

How fucking cool is that? And that's why he sounds like it is. It's true. I sounded like a normal guy up until that video. Timothy. What? Yeah, sorry. I always thought you were younger than me.

My God, you look so good. Thank you. I mean, you know, what can I say? Why did you lie? Because I knew. And about such a big age gap. I knew that you were, you know, what would a 27, 28 year old want to do with a 50 year old

guy? You know, that's never happened before. Society doesn't allow that. That's not okay. My first husband, I was a 19 and he was a 71. It's true. I killed him.

Um, right. But I... I was on this trip with the boys. And... Where was Carrie? Oh, she was being... She was being a little brat, honestly. She, like, didn't want to go see the canyon.

It was a whole thing. We can... That's my girl. Right. Well, we can talk about it later. I think the TikTok is becoming a real issue. issue it's like her screen time is like it's it's a job for her to be on that app um but we were the grand canyon and i looked down that that hole big fucking hole right and uh Not that big, Arthur.

Well, it's pretty... Okay, I've never seen it. Arthur, shut up. Ask your husband. I think it's a pretty big hole, Susie. You can give your brother that. It's a pretty big fucking hole. Just cut to the chase, my darling. I have to know.

Thank you. I look down and I thought if I slipped and fell right now I would die and the love of my life would never know the truth about who she was married to. And when we said our vows

20 years ago Yeah. I made a pledge to be with you. A hundred percent with you in sickness and in health. And so I decided it was time to stop living a lie and come clean to you. I ripped the towel off. I'm 68. Whoa, what? I'm 68.

What? Oh my God, this feels amazing. I know that when we met, you thought I was 29. I had the kids at 51. It's a geriatric pregnancy. Shut up, Gabriella. She doesn't like the term. I'm 68.

And I don't... This is amazing. My God, I had no idea that we were hiding these. It's like the gift of the Magi. This is unbelievable. I love you, Timothy. I love your spirit. I love your body.

I love your heart. I love your mind. And my God, this feels amazing. Now we just have to tell the kids, but we can do anything because we have each other and we have trust. He's a hesitating. Gabriella, stop it.

He's not. I'm not. I'm not hesitating. I would never flinch. You're no longer attracted to your wife because she's at the same age. No, that's not true. Crucially, she is still three years younger than me. Are you okay?

I thought you'd be happy. I'm not mad. I'm not sad. But he's not happy. Gabrielle, if you don't shut the fuck up, I'm gonna get Polly to take you out back. I'll leave it to me, it's all.

You're ridiculous. God, I love you. No, it's not that I'm not attracted to you anymore, it's just that the fact that you would wear a fucking towel on your head to dinner like that... That was the issue!

It's like, why were you so afraid to tell me? Because when we met you thought I was 27 29 years old and I don't know I I was afraid that you wouldn't want me anymore

wouldn't want you anymore I was standing on the edge of a canyon thinking about ending myself over the thought of losing you. Just a kiss and wrap it up. I want to go home. Go home?

You haven't even had your meatball yet. I want to eat my meatball in the car. Okay. Waiter! Waiter! Waiter, come over here. Can we get my meatball in the car. Okay. Waiter. Waiter. Waiter. Come over here. Can we get the meatball?

Excuse me. Are you, sir? What? Yes. Remember the Jackie potato with the meatball? Yes. Can we get that to go, actually? My wife is very ready to leave.

I would love nothing more than to get your food to go. Now, wait. Gabrielle, come with me on this. It's a TikTok, okay? I love it already. Right? Think of the, it's sort of in the style of like one of the Dodo's videos on Facebook from like six, seven years ago. Like it was with the animals.

Right, and it's kind of a feel-good story about a husband and wife who turns out they were lying to each other in the same way for a long time. Pretty good, right? I love it. And because they are both old as a sick dog, it will work perfectly. Oh, my God. What is wrong with you? Gabrielle, that's not necessary. Give me the meatball and let's get in the Ferrari.

You have a Ferrari? We got three! Vroom vroom! But seriously, I love you both, and I'm really sorry that I didn't invite you to any of my weddings. I swear if I have a fifth, which God willing I won't, you'll be there. That's a spicy

sweet ball I fucking love my wife okay most most did we say

shocking episode I think we did surprising yeah surprising there were a lot of revelations and forgetful revelations

that was like hey it was also about 45 minutes long um let's uh wrap this up let's take it to the that was like it was also about 45 minutes long um let's uh wrap this up let's take it to the

all week long um okay okay what's been shaking me what's been shaking me um getting back into uh below deck What's been shaking me? What's been shaking me? Getting back into Below Deck.

Yeah. I'm watching Below Deck, Danunda. And Daniel sat down with me and he goes, this feels like the first act of a porn. And I laughed so fucking hard. The first act? Yeah, and I'm like, honey. What porn are you watching, Daniel?

It is so, it was was so it's just like like everyone on down everyone on below deck is so horny you're about to say everyone on down under everyone everyone down under so bloody horny they should call it down under right just um so i mean it's just it's amazing all of the guests on the boat seem awful. It's just so fun. I've never watched. Oh, Alfred. I know. For as much of a fan as I am of the Bravoverse. And can we talk about, you know, the elephant in the room. She's coming back. Grandpa fucker herself. Real Housewives of Salt Lake City is coming back. You smell like hospital.

Mary from Real Housewives of Salt Lake City is coming back. That is shaking me to my core. You smell like hospital. Mary from Real Housewives of Salt Lake City is coming back this season. And that is really shaking me to my core. Yes. What's been shaking your ass? What's been shaking me this week? since I paid 60 American dollars for a video game on release, like right when it comes out. But I have been playing, in my limited free time, Baldur's Gate 3, and it is so fucking good.

What kind of game is it? So it's basically, it's a CRPG, computer role-playing game. Basically, it's D&D, but on the computer. But it's... Nerd? Yes, incredibly. But it's actually, it's just like technologically, it's so fucking impressive. The way that the narrative is very malleable and fluid and like you know it's

guiding you in all these like super subtle ways and it's you know there's it can all go lots of very very different variations and everything like you're actually playing real life dnd that's very fun with a dungeon master it's it's really fucking impressive and it makes me cool it makes me excited for the future of gaming i know it's awful to say aloud isn't it um but it is a great game and if you're if you're into dungeons and dragons and you're into games like that just just play it and you'll love it um you know it's pretty crunchy and there's kind of a learning curve if you're not used to she rolls her eyes when i say crunchy uh if you're not used to kind of like the like the kind of super high fantasy ruled shit from dnd you know and spell slot management and all that shit can be kind of confusing but once you get over that it's a fucking ball and a half so that's my nerd ass

review if you're into alf's nerd ass you can find him on instagram at alfred in it you can find our show on instagram at review review which now uh there's gonna be so much more activity on there there is one once maybe every week we'll figure it out but we will be posting on our story on review review um to mine for some brilliant ideas uh for weekly topics um so that's uh instagram at review review um reddit r slash review review where you are on head gum discord baby review review and you're gonna find the meatball known as a r Anspa on Instagram.com. Just the web browser, not the phone app. At Riley Anspa and on XXX.com.

No, just X. Formerly known as Twitter at Riley Coyote for as long as it lasts. And as we say every fucking week. Every week. Every week we're saying this. And we'll end out this long episode with this. The world's most sort of lackadaisical episode. I want to meet the ball.

I want to meet the ball. I'm sorry. Italian American community. Bye. Bye. That was a hit them. Original.