Review Revue - Breath Mints (w/ Ben Schwartz!)

Episode Date: June 8, 2021

Comedian/improv coach Ben Schwartz joins Reilly and Geoff to read reviews about Breath Mints and discuss third-wheeling, mattress shopping, and Alex Rodriguez's marital woes. Follow Ben, Reilly, and Geoff:IG: @rejectedjokes, @reillyanspaugh, & @geoffreyjamesTwitter: @rejectedjokes, @reilecoyote, & @GeoffBoyardeeAdvertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Get that Angel Reef Special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. I participate in restaurants for a limited time.

One, two, three. Cool. That's our daily kind of like clapping for frontline workers. We've kind of stopped at the pots and pans. We do one clap and that's it. Would one clap even be considered clapping? I guess not because clapping is a series of claps, right? Well, it's three claps.

Clapping would be three. It's like a few. It's three claps. One from you, one from me, one from Riley. And so that's kind of a plus. But Jeff, the whole idea was we're doing one clap each. So I'm not clapping. I perform to clap. Yes.

And so you guys perform to clap as well. Okay. I get that. We all have the clap. Let's speed. We're speeding on that. We're speeding. Riley, really?

Is this what it's going to be like? These kind of jokes? Like my favorite form of comedy is just going blue on everything, on everything. Like I love it. But like grandpa blue? Like you hear like a joke your grandpa makes and you going blue on everything, on everything. I love it. But like grandpa blue? Like you hear a joke your grandpa makes and you're like, oh, this is. No, for me, that's where I. What's your favorite year?

Like socially, if you could go back. This is a great question, Jeff. Riley, what's your favorite year? My favorite year? I think we all, all of us collectively would have just had the best time in like 1949, 50? Probably not. You're talking right after the Holocaust. You're going real hard.

Jesus Christ. No, I mean, it's like, I just think it would have been so like. That's pre-Elvis. Those were. That's pre-rock and roll. So people weren't even having a good time. And let everybody know that Jeff, his whole timeline for things are not world wars or anything like that.

It's pre and post Elvis. And you're not even talking about when the man was a popular artist. You're saying when he was born, I'm assuming. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's A.E. and B.E. Right. So this would be B.E., correct? This would have been B.E.

So in your point, there's no reason to even talk about it. I guess how many years B.E. would that be? What's the birth year of Elvis? The birth year of Elvis? I think that would have been 1950. Sorry, we're not playing with I thinks here, Jeff..E. would that be? What's the birth year of Elvis? The birth year of Elvis? I think that would have been 1950. Sorry, we're not playing with I thinks here, Jeff. What do you know to be? I mean, without looking it up?

Yeah. 1950. 1950. Do you know that? No, because then his B.E. thing doesn't even make sense. This is a mess. I wish everybody could see. There's no visual aspect to this, right?

We might use a thumbnail. Okay, well then everybody take a gander at Jeffrey's background, which I think is beautiful. Thank you. And then Riley, how do you say your last name? Anspa. Anspa. Is it French? It's German.

Anspa. Do you have a middle name? Is it unique as well? No, it's like just a classic little white girl Marie middle name. And then GJ, what's your middle name? Aaron. Man with three first names. Oh, I fucking love it. And it works both ways. It could

be like Jeffrey, it could be James Aaron Jeffrey, or it could be Jeffrey Aaron James. Actually, Aaron Jeffrey James is kind of sick. You want to switch it up right now? Yeah, but then professionally it'll be A.Jeffrey James. Yeah, like Aaron Burr. Alright, let's do our theme song.

I am going to use this preamble, though. It's like a cold open. I can't wait to hear what your theme song is. I'll give notes on every part of this. It changes every time. Oh, it's a little Shabba Har's thing? Yeah. Probably shouldn't talk over it, huh? No, you feel free. Pat on my head.

Forget about Shrenton. Here, pick some colors. Throw points my way. Take this carafe full of lemonade. I know I love dad, but it's Mother's Day. It's going to be suddenly. Suddenly Denton. Who's Denton?

What is Denton? He's painting beside me. A lot of them are bits that we've done in the past. Trenton. Don't have to pretend. Suddenly Denton. Suddenly Denton. Is here to provide you.

Here comes another reference, I don't know. Wonderful painting. Yeah, so Denton's a painter. Color me mine. I love you, mother. Review, review. What's the name of the show? It's called Review, Review.

Review, Review. I've saved it on my GarageBand as Jeff and Riley podcast. Perfect. That's actually, again, kind of a good name. That will change all of it. If it sounds better, we'll change it. That theme song came in from Nolan Murphy, a beloved

patron of ours. He says, he figures he's not working, so he might as well do this, right? He did great. That was beautiful. One of my favorite musicals. If not my favorite musical of all time. We've been asking, by we, I mean I have been asking for more musical theater covers because we'll get a lot of big band covers,

which are equally great, but we need more musical theater covers. So this was perfect. So thank you, Nolan. This is just kind of like, you know, we're at episode 82. How can we improve? What can we work on?

That's why I'm here. I'm here to listen to what you guys are doing and give notes, right? For someone who's done improv for 20 years and you guys are doing and give notes. Right? For someone who's done improv for 20 years and you guys say you've never been on stage before? No.

Okay, so I'm here to give you notes and tell you, like I will stop scenes halfway through and tell you what you've done wrong. So you are going to disrupt the entire format

because you said that you might do this. By the way, if you're flawless, no, I won't. It's going to be a beautiful, smooth boat and we're going to be on there.

This is Whiplash, the improv podcast i was gonna say jk rowling but that's not her that's not his name what's it i'm jk simmons i'm jk simmons and you guys are miles teller yeah rushing or dragging rushing or dragging that's exactly correct i mean our levels are absolute magnificence don't you think our levels are crazy good your levels are great. You're coming in very clearly. This is going to be an awful start. And this is, in terms of you giving us notes.

This is a great start. No, because I had to go get my charging cord. That was the one thing I forgot. Oh, my God. All right, I'll talk to Riley about something. Okay. Riley, from, I don't really know you guys. I've seen you once or twice.

You were at a live show once that I drop by. And you guys seemed very lovely and very funny and very kind. What I can get from this is that both of you I find to be very funny human beings. I haven't heard the podcast, but separately, I remember I saw you in a short film or something that you did with Jake and Amir. I thought you were great. I think Jeffrey's fucking hilarious. And Amir is over the moon about Jeffrey,

so he must be just an absolute hilarious human. What I'm getting from this is that I feel like you could probably sing and you love musical theater and I feel like Jeff I don't know if you like musical theater and I don't think you care for singing. Jeff sings Jeff claims that he sings I believe it but and I've asked him to do many

a duet with me and he said no why not now? Jeff what song would you love to duet real quick with if you pop the lyrics on there I'm trying say no. Jeff, what song would you love to duet real quick with? If you pop the lyrics on there. I'm trying to think of a duet song. This is about taking risks. This is about being yourself.

I feel like Riley just wants one song. No, don't bother, Ben. Oh, this is a good way to start a song. Keep going, Riley. How terrifying. There's nothing more terrifying in the universe than singing in front of people. Just don't bother. He's not going to do it.

I'll sing anything. I'm kicking dirt under the table. You can't do it. Okay, that was pretty good. Yeah. We'll keep going. It's like, sing anything. Yeah, then what?

Then sing again. You're supposed to help him out, Riley. You're not supposed to keep telling him to sing. And we'll sing tomorrow. Okay, I'm going to bail on this. I love you tomorrow. There you go. Jeffrey.

Why not today? And then harmonize. You go on the high. I'll go on the high. I'll go on the high. And we. Ben, you coming on the middle third? We.

No, I'm just trying to listen to it. We're not here to talk about musical fucking theater today, actually. But what do you need when you're singing with somebody? You want to make sure that you're not going to put them off physically if they're within close proximity. Put them off physically? Yeah. What do you think singing is?

What do I think singing is? Yeah. It's like a dance with water, but with a partner. And so not only are you using- I'm going to stop you right there, Jeffrey, and tell me what dance with water means. Dance with water is sort of like a movement whole scheme where basically like you can be using fountain water and then you're also doing movement and interpretive dance. So you've seen Ocean's Eleven is what I'm learning. That's exactly right. You saw Ocean's Eleven, you saw the very end of Ocean's Eleven. Bellagio Hotel, yeah. Right. So you only

saw the end of Oceans 11. Do you know what that film was about? I have to assume it's about some kind of dance troupe in Las Vegas. No. No. It has nothing to do with dancing. It's about a collection of robbers that are robbing the casino you're seeing at the end. What's the appeal there? Watching people do crime? The appeal is it's a heist film. You thought the whole film was about them

and the final moment is them dancing with the water? They don't even dance. They just watch it. I don't see what the appeal is of watching people break the law because I'm all about the law. Okay. Well, we'll see how that goes. Sorry. So it's the dance, but if you're doing it with someone,

it's a song. So the end of Ocean's Eleven was a song? What's that? So by your logic, the end of Ocean's Eleven was a delicate dance song? In a way. In a way. Okay. Who started What's That?

Because all I get all day on fucking texts is What's That from Amir. And I've gotten it for, it has to be a decade now. An absolute decade. So my question to you is, did he start it

and then you made it into a big thing where now he has to say it every fucking second? He says What's That and sorry all day, every day. Who started that? I'm pretty sure Amir started it. And then I just started yelling it back at him

on our other podcast, the HeadGum podcast. And then it became like a merchable catchphrase. And how much money do you guys see from this merchable stuff? I don't make any money from that. I don't make any money from that. I don't. But Amir, we could call him and ask. It did well enough that Marty gave me a gift card to a cocktail

delivery service. And that's not a joke. How much was the gift certificate for him? It was worth six drinks. I like it a lot. But when you're singing in close proximity with somebody, you want to make sure your breath isn't...

Good, good. Nice transition. For lack of a better term, rank. Okay. What are your guys' experience with breath mints? Oh, what a transition. And that's what the show's about today, right? Yes.

Today we're waxing breath mints. We can talk about your tic-tacs your altoids um your i think there's a thing just called simply i don't know i feel like i've seen that in a whole foods yeah um but uh ben what what do you use a breath or a listerine strip we could go that way too wow what if any has been your experience with breath mints and then answer that and then also like are you dating anybody just so we can sell this to tmc sure of course i'll hit off the first one yeah so i think breath mints for me i feel like we're a bigger thing in high school doesn't that feel like a high school thing or a college thing um not even college but i feel like

afterwards not so much maybe some gum over a breath mint. There are breath mints that I'll have. Tell me if you guys have this experience. There are breath mints that I've had that have something in them. I don't know if it's peppermint or something that the second I chew it, I sneeze. Is that a thing that you guys know? That might be an allergic reaction. Is that true? I mean, I have an experience with dark chocolate.

If I have really dark chocolate, like high percentage dark chocolate, I sneeze two or three times and then I'm fine. Then I can keep eating it. But the reaction that gets me. That's so smart. I never thought that it could be an allergic reaction, but that's probably what it is. I didn't think it was either.

And then I realized, like I didn't, we didn't know this until this past year. My sister has the same exact experience with dark chocolate and we never talked about it. And so we're like, that's a weird genetic thing that we have that you probably just have with like mint that's crazy maybe that's what it is maybe i'm allergic to mint not so much so that you can't have it it just it's a little every time i have a breath mint i pass out my eyes roll to the back of my head i sneeze i pass out i do have that thing where i chew and then once i I chew, it gets in my nose, and I sneeze from it. And I forget.

It's a certain flavor of mint. Spearmint? It must be. I don't know. I'm not sure. Whatever the most allergic of the mints are, I guess. But I never was one of those guys that had, you know, like they would have rolls of like, not Lifesavers, but you know what I mean? And people were like, but you won't want to pop it out.

Tic Tacs, I feel like being Jewish and from New York, we're always around somebody's, as we used to call them pocket books back in the day. Purses handbags now. My roommate calls her purse a pocket book. She's from New Jersey. Yeah, I still do. My dad still calls it jeans dungarees.

It's beautiful. Yeah, I don't, I used to love like just the flavor, like the fruit ones, Tic Tac, the fruit ones or the mint ones. But if I was going to get a taste out of my mouth, I would use gum. I feel like a breath mint is like a whatever. And then as a kid, I would chew it for so long that it would have no taste at all. And then I'd spit it out once my teeth hurt.

The gum? The gum, yeah. How about you guys? I remember I could eat orange Tic Tacs like candy. I could just pop them up. It is candy. They're incredible. It is candy.

And I would eat it as such. I remember my mom had such an affinity for any kind of gum or mint that was cinnamon flavored. And so we'd have packs of big red roundouts. And I know we're not talking gum she would also have the cinnamon altoids and um i thought it was horrible and i still do but the altoids i could fuck with an altoid one though a lot of the reviews i've read like like a lot of people are like yeah i'll just house like four or five altoids one after another and i'm like you're you are burnt from the inside.

It is way too intense for me. Could never do a Listerine strip. But if anything, I will do a singular Tic Tac, Jeffrey. Okay, a singular Tic Tac. You would do one Tic Tac? They're so intense. No, they're not. Well, not the orange ones.

The orange ones, that's a different story. But a winter, yes, they are. Yes, they are. I have to pop many. I feel like Tic Tacs are the only mint that I'll's a different story. But a winter, yes, they are. Yes, they are. I have to pop many. I feel like Tic Tacs are the only mint that I'll do a handful of. That's insane to me. They're designed for a few. No, no, no, no, no.

Tic Tacs, you pop them like Tic Tacs. That's the saying. Who says that? That's the saying? I don't know. When you're talking about savory foods, you say I pop fries like Tic Tacs. Who would you say that? I say fries like Tic Tacs. Who would you say that? I say I pop Tic Tacs like fries.

Where did it come from? Yeah, chicken and egg there. I pop chicken thighs like Tic Tacs. I don't think so, Jeff. What are your experiences? God, you're disgusting. I had the same experience. Middle school, for sure, was when everybody was like the breath spray, the Listerine strip.

Ooh, the spray. I remember like Banaca. Yeah, Banaca. Like anything that burnt your mouth from mint was ideal at that time. And then a lot of it was like getting to that age where, oh, I might kiss somebody. I was just going to say, do you think it's because we were all just trying to get a little smooch? Just trying to get a kiss? Could be.

I feel like a lot of my first kisses smelled like winter green like um like the blue that blue bubble that blue uh gum i forget what it is that comes in long like that what was it winter in the oh in the little in the little circle it's just like a regular thing but it was blue i think it's a winter fresh or something like that and that's what i feel like uh i feel like before any girl before they kiss somebody would like pop one of those in because i feel like that's like my my mind goes to that taste and smell from kissing as a kid i think we were all just ready to kiss at any time and that's why breath mints were out and about sorry jeff i cut you off so you're saying

spray in your mouth till it burns gone spray my Spray in my mouth till it burns, Listerine strips till it burned. And yeah, eventually it tapers off and you become an adult and you chew gum. Yeah, that makes sense. Should we get into our first review? Should we get into this? Oh, so we don't improvise off of that. We improvise off of a review. Yeah.

Can't wait to see where you guys take this. Let's see it. So already, have you read these reviews? We haven't read each other's. Okay, but so already, so let's say, Jeff, you pick some reviews and Riley, you pick some reviews. So already, we're not improvising because you know exactly the content where it's coming from, right? You know exactly the words and you could think of ideas beforehand. So already, this isn't an improv show.

Someone has been able to read, think of ideas that they want to initiate a scene with. So basically, one person is very prepared and the other person isn't so 100 this is not an improv show but i love how you say it is all right now let's go so who has the first one riley do you want to start us off that's a good note that's a good note and you guys and you know that right like you understand now it seems like riley had never thought about that but now she realizes maybe no i I thought about it. My dad sometimes will listen to the episodes and he'll just be like he'll just be like so when you

God I'm gonna cry. He's like when you prep for the show like how long does it take you to write those bits? And I'm like we don't. He's like but you read the reviews beforehand. I'm like well I read mine. Jeffrey's his and he's like so you're cheating. That's right. That's correct. I don't know your dad but I'm like, well, I read mine. Jeffrey's his. And he's like, so you're cheating.

That's right. That's correct. I don't know your dad, but I feel like if you could grab him on the podcast, we'd get along really well. He seems like a good dude. And this is what I would say. And for this episode, we're definitely going to do it. Right, guys? I'm going to propose something. We're definitely going to do it. Whoever comes in with the story is not allowed to initiate the scene. That's good. That's really good. And I hope to all that's holy that that person doesn't try to somehow bring it back to their idea that they had when they read the reviews.

And I'm going to trust you. And you know what I might do? I might initiate all the scenes and make them so different than the reviews that there's no way you could have possibly prepared. Does that sound good? And let's run the video for this part

just because Riley is in true laughing fit right now. And all I did was point out what she already knew. She got caught just like the end of Ocean's Eleven. I guess the opposite of Ocean's Eleven. A little spoiler for Jeff.

He clearly hasn't seen the film. Okay, here we go. Let's hear our pre-planned story. Who's got the first one? I've got a first pre-planned story. And Riley, you've read this and you've thought about it for a bit, right? I have a whole notes app just filled with initiations. Okay, here we go.

This is four stars. This is for a 12-pack of Altoids, the classic mint flavor. And it is from Momf. Ben, can you give Momf a last name numf momf numf momf numf excellent this is four stars the title is i love altoids and so should you okay i'm gonna stop you right there right off the bat it feels like a great one for some improv right riley probably picked it because she's like oh i could play a character that loves altoids keep going riley yeah absolutely okay altoids are the best mints they were voted best mints ever by everyone ever

they won the award for best mint in the whatever year it was best mint competition they're amazing i love them and so should you the peppermint version is my favorite but i enjoy all the flavors i've tried cinnamon wintergreen ginger all some reason, the 12-pack was sold for only $1 more than the six-pack. So of course I bought the 12-pack. They're fantastic. They freshen your breath and don't have a dumb amount of sugar like most other delicious mints. I don't know. Maybe they make people think you're more good looking or something. Who can say? I can't. But maybe, maybe they do. And time travel. Well, yeah, they could help with that too. Anyway, these are great. It really is a 12-pack of full size Altoids tin, so you'll love them. If you've read this far, I will be shocked if anyone does. I'll note that I gave them four

out of five instead of five out of five because they stopped putting the bizarre, hilarious facts on the inner paper. I love those facts. Did you know Altoids are made with the tears of pregnant mermaids? Anyway, those facts were hilarious. I miss them. So four out of five instead of five out of five. Have a lovely day and go get yourself some Altoids. Nobody say anything. Not a word is to be spoken. Not a word is to be spoken. Now I'm going to ask you a question, Riley.

You have to answer truthfully. How many times did you read this? Because you read that so perfectly. How many times have you read this to yourself or out loud? You cannot lie. I read it twice out loud once to my boyfriend once to my roommate okay so that's and then probably once to yourself twice to yourself when upon picking it right once to myself upon picking it okay so it's three times probably

like wow time machine i could probably do a scene about time machine mermaid that would be a good scene you know maybe i could pop in a mermaid in there talk about how you know four to five there's all these things i barely was listening to the story i was so distraught by the idea that you'd already heard it three times. Oftentimes when we do improv, the monologist is telling a story to the improvisers that they've never heard before. And then they improvise off of that. Now this is going to be so fun. In your head, Riley. And again, this is, we're being honest. We're here to be honest and we're having fun with each other. You're two very talented human beings. And if anything, this would just show how talented you are. Do you really let me hear let me hear what your initiation would have been come on we don't

have to fucking come on man come on riley i just want to hear it let me hear it it's not gonna be stupid it's gonna be great it's gonna be great because jeff has got a totally different one but let me hear riley what is it don't mean to go into or just tell you what i just want you to tell me what how you tell me the first line of your thing we're gonna hear her describe her initiation that'd be great it would have been it would have been a scene about someone doing it like a voiceover for an altoids commercial and and that would have been the start of like, okay, can we get another take? Can you just read the copy as written? And that would have been it. I love it.

I love those type of scenes. Done a bunch of them, love them to death. Okay, Jeffrey, you cannot go near that. All right. You must initiate off that scene, and you cannot go near that. This is great. I can't wait.

I'm loving that we're seeing behind the curtain. Okay, Jeffrey, whenever you're ready, you can start with anything you want. This will be the last episode of this podcast. We're just establishing rules moving forward that whoever reads the story can't initiate. That's not a bad rule. That's not a bad rule.

That's not a bad rule at all. All right, whenever you're ready. And you can be any character. This is all made up, so you can initiate with anything. You know what I mean? You don't have to be yourself. So whatever you want.

Improv is everything. You don't have to be yourself. Thanks so much. Yeah, I'll take a mint. Do they still have the Altoid facts? And cut. Thatrov is everything. You don't have to beat yourself. Thanks so much. Yeah, I'll take a mint. And do they still have the Altoid facts? And cut. That was take one. Fantastic.

So we're going to have you do this voiceover one more time. Yeah. I'm going to stop you there. So Riley, you can't do anything like that. Okay, Riley? Yeah, man. Okay. That was your voiceover thing.

Okay, Jeff, give me that initiation one more time. I was just telling Riley what she can't do. Yeah, sure. I'll take a mint. Hey, do they still have the Altoid facts? You mean on the back? The little altoid facts telling you uh things about altoids yeah or the the little yeah it's kind of like a snapple fact yeah it's kind of cool what it is basically and i've by the way this is why i'm buying altoids in the first place yeah

what it is is i like to learn a little bit about the things that i'm eating and stuff like that yeah it's like uh you know it's beyond the ingredients list it's factoids about altoids where i'm gonna learn about what goes into the product from a spiritual sense right i want to know still into that spiritual stuff man huh well you know what it's about uh it's about crafting a life for myself because obviously you know that there's i experienced that horrible tragedy yeah i know we don't have to talk about it because i like to bring it up just to work through it well it's again it's happened 10 years ago. And by the way, and Susan will agree with me,

there's literally no reason to keep bringing it up. And to be honest, and Susan, tell me, I don't think it was that big of a deal, to be honest. Oh, is he talking about the accident again? Yeah, sorry. Oh, my God. And by the way, he got here by just saying, do you like those Altoid facts?

He literally just started talking about it out of nowhere. No, but I can turn any conversation into like something about the accident and you know we know we know let's just move on then let's just move on so susan and i are actually celebrating our first anniversary today uh 10th anniversary 10th anniversary of the accident yeah what's that um sorry 10th anniversary of the accident we don't have to humor him we brought you along to this lunch just because, you know, you set us up and it just means the world to us. Oh, can you, Susan, do you remember

how you set us up? Oh my God! It was like, it was like it was yesterday. I, I, you know, the day that you surprised us both at the park, I can't believe I trusted you

to put a blindfold on me and lead me to the park. I don't know what I was thinking. I'd never do that now. And then to take it off and to see Tim there, I mean, it just, like, it was a match made in heaven. It really was.

You two are my kindest friends. Lionel, you're insane. Stop it. You're the best. Kind people give kind friends is what we always say. So raise your glasses. Raise your glasses to one beautiful year together, Suze. Oh, I love you so much, honey.

Love you so much as well. And Lionel, thank you so much. You're here because without you, this wouldn't be possible. Yeah. And I feel like we skipped over the accident. Sorry? I feel like we didn't wax about the accident at all.

And it was a tragedy. We don't have to. So today's not about the accident. We've heard it enough. It's about you guys. It's about us. Let's get your bullshit out of the way and then we'll talk about the accident. Sorry?

Hmm? What's that? Nothing. Get our bullshit out of the way? No, let's celebrate you guys and then we'll talk about it for a couple hours. Hey, Lionel, can I talk to you for a second? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Over here. Sorry. Susan. Yeah. I'll see you in one minute. Alright. Yeah. Okay. Go do what you're gonna do. You're kind of blowing it, man. I'm blowing it? What are you talking about? I'm

blowing it. I invited you to our anniversary. This isn't a romantic vibe. Yeah, exactly. You invited me to your anniversary. So how's it my fault that I keep bringing up a horrible accident that happened to me? It is your fault. Don't talk about it. You have nothing to do. We both know that you have nothing going on. All you do is think about this accident.

You have to detach yourself from it. If you take yourself away from the accident, you could live your life. Do you understand what I'm trying to say, Lionel? If I take myself away from the accident, I don't have a personality, right? Who are you, Lionel? What were you before the accident? You used to be a mime you should do all these cool things be that person i had a ton of hobbies master of none though person that one thing doesn't make you who you are nobody wants to see me mime more than once susan can we just um

can we just let him talk about it real quickly any promises you promise you won't talk about it again after you say it once i promise i won't say anything suze i mean i know yeah it's not exactly how i thought the day would go but if if this can get it out of a system and we can actually enjoy the rest of the day then i think it's worth giving him a little bit of time but only a little bit for a second yeah absolutely well i'm sorry but give me one second yeah whatever i fucking blew it i shouldn't have brought him here i'm sorry suze no i mean like listen tim the reason i love you is because you have such an open heart you never want anyone to be left out and that is that is the thing i love more about you than anything in the world but i don't know if we have to include him in everything i mean

you've included him on every trip we've ever done every weekend away most dinners and well how fun is he to eat with though honestly the way he eats no it is silly it's like a Christmas story it's like a Christmas story it's like a Christmas story and that is endearing but that's the only thing

I've been finding endearing about him lately and so let him say it once let him say it once and it's over okay I swear to you that's what he said

if he goes on for longer than five minutes five minutes Jesus Christ we'll give him like 15 seconds he doesn't need five minutes oh okay that's great never mind I was gonna say if. He doesn't need five minutes. Oh, okay.

That's great. Never mind. I was going to say if he goes on and on for five minutes, then you and I should work some stuff out. But that's fantastic. If it's only 15 seconds, easy. Done. Let's do it.

I swear to you, and I will put a clock on it. There's no way he's talking more than 15 seconds. I trust you. I trust you. Thank you. I trust you. And relationships are built on trust. They're built on trust.

There's no way to get to the top of the relationship without building a ladder of? That's right. No, Lionel, I building a ladder of trust. That's right. Now, Lionel, I'm giving you 15 seconds. That's all I need. Talk about whatever you want. You know that's all I need. I know that's all you need. All right.

Whenever you're ready. And thank you, Suze. And go. Icy. One. Was drinking an icy. Two. Straw.

I sucked it too hard and it replaced my throat. Five. Six. Oh, that's it? Yep. That's all you had to get out? Yep. All you wanted to had to get out? Yep. All you wanted to do was just say what happened?

Just give a small play-by-play? It was painful. I had to go to the hospital. Okay, no, no, no, no, no. We don't need to go on any further than that. I was just, yep. I thought that you guys would have a much different reaction. I thought that you would, again.

Well, we've heard it every day for 10 years, so the idea of us having a different reaction to hearing the same story every single day, you know what I mean? Were you hoping for something different? i was hoping that the whole picnic would kind of become about me maybe you know you ask me more questions and then i get to talk for a while happy anniversary i should have said can i can i talk to you for a second lino really quick really really quick yeah i'll talk to you guys in a bit hey lino um again i'm really sorry for

everything that happened i tell you this every day, and I never want to be this person. I never wanted to be this kind of girlfriend who's like really territorial or really just kind of like trying to make everything my way. And it's not my way because it's, it's Tim's life. It's Tim and my day. And you, you need to let him go a little bit. You just, you know, maybe don't come around as much. Maybe just take your foot off the gas a little bit.

I go where I'm invited. I go where I'm invited. I go where I'm invited. So if somebody invites me somewhere, I go. You can say no sometimes, though. You know, maybe sometimes you're being invited out of, you know, courtesy, love. All right. All I'm saying is, Lionel, we could really appreciate a bit of space moving forward. Love you.

But we could appreciate some space. You do? I get that. Yep. So next time Tim invites you to something that you think maybe i shouldn't go what are you gonna say tim tim oh my god it's happening it's happening straw in the throat straw in the throat now he can feel what i felt now he can feel what I felt. Now he can feel what I felt. What the fuck is wrong? Okay, Tim, I got you.

One, two, three. Oh, my God. What do you want to talk about? What do you want to talk about? What's the first thing you want to talk about? Give him a fucking second, Michael. Jesus Christ. No, no, no, he doesn't need a second.

What do you want to talk about? Give him a fucking second to breathe. First thing that comes to your mind, what do you want to talk about? The year was 2021. There you go. No. There it is there it fucking is i sucked this straw so hard it became my throat seven eight that's it that's my tail

that's all you need 15 seconds or less and scene who calls it we usually just kind of naturally go out of it notes great you want notes yeah yeah i saw a place that we could have edited earlier but i wasn't sure if i was allowed to edit the scene yeah yeah you are you were fully allowed to edit okay i'm gonna edit next time what was the edit point uh before before riley took me away okay although listen if we didn't have that we wouldn't have gotten this beautiful ending yeah what a fun scene what a fun time this is no let's not take a break no commercials i don't want anybody making money off of this episode unless we're donating all of it unless we're donating all of it

we can donate to this week's no no no no don't worry about it so the rules that I'm going forward is that we can't start anything that we give

and we can't get paid that's such a funny thing you should do that the next time you go on a really big podcast I did that to Jake and Amir once where I was like

because they're like man thanks so much for coming by you know sometimes when you come by the numbers go Jake and Amir once where I was like, because they're like, man, thanks so much for coming by. You know, sometimes when you come by, the numbers go up and that's so cool. He was like, oh, cool. So like, how much do I get paid for that big change? And like, can we give that to charity? And they go, oh. That's so funny.

Well, we should actually take a break. Take a break. Take a break. Of course. By the way, you guys are wonderful and fun. And this will be great. We could do this for hours. Thank you. On your. Take a break, of course. By the way, you guys are wonderful and fun, and this will be great. We could do this for hours. Thank you.

On your day off, Marty. On your day off of all time. Wait, can someone sing? Can Riley, can you sing a little Goin' to the Break? Oh, that's good. Goin' to a Break song? Marty, can we go into a break?

Please, Marty, call me. I've called you ten times in the past week. Marty, call me back. Marty. So that's a little song from Marty Michael. That was really good Marty never calls me back I don't call him Marty

But it'd be nice If he reached out Once in a while Can we take a break Marty? I had no idea Marty had so much power At this company. He doesn't.

You were right. We got another review here. Are you guys ready? Jeff, did you... Jeff, complete honesty, correct? Yeah, yeah. Okay, so give the review, then I'll ask you a couple questions.

I'll go with my short one. Four stars from Sandy D. Do you have a last name for Sandy D? Yeah, Zavowski. Sandy Zavowski. Do you have a last name for Sandy D? Yeah. Zavowski. Sandy Zavowski. Yeah. All right.

What is this of? What is this review for? This review is of Bob's Sweet Stripes Soft Peppermint Candies. Got it. Four stars. These are very good and very thick. Is that it? That's it. For real? i love i love i fucking love okay so yes how many times have you read this to yourself and out loud well it's only one sentence so it's probably like seven or eight times yeah of course it's that quick and did you have what was your

initiation in your head that you're gonna start with cheating and improv how are you gonna cheat um yeah it was gonna be like somebody placing an order over the phone or calling customer service and uh you know being way too excited about how thick a mint is great and you plan that beforehand right yeah in a way in a way well sure so how often does the person who read the review start the scene i'm gonna say probably 85% of the time. No, actually. I do think it's like 50-50. It is like 50-50.

So now, Riley, you have to. Can you give the line? Because it's such a short one. I would love to hear that again. These are very good and very thick. Also, just if anybody doesn't see the visual, Riley is dressed like she's doing tech backstage at a theater. Okay, whenever you're ready, Riley. I just went with the headphones

and the glasses. That really makes it. Yeah, and she's all in black. She's 100% bringing a tiny table out for the next scene and then running right back out. Black socks, black shoes. Okay.

All right. Well, here at our Casper pop-up, as you see, we're also selling pillows now. So I hear you two are moving into a new home. Congratulations. That very exciting thank you so much top of the line you are not going to want to have a poor night's sleep in your brand new home i'll tell you that for free so these pillows very good very thick okay we're a little bit of a tricky combo uh oh yeah me and

ronald are kind of a tricky one so i like my pillows hard. And Ronald, I would imagine you are, you're kind of a thin, soft man. I mean the pillows, not you. That's funny. Yeah, I like a thin pillow. I'm a stomach sleeper. So is it possible to maybe switch it up where I get some of the harder ones

and we get a thin one for Ronald? Absolutely. That's the beauty about pillows is that, you know, you can get one of each kind. They're not attached to the bed. So if you want to switch them around, do whatever you want. That, we can provide that for you. We also have a one of each kind. They're not attached to the bed, so if you want to switch them around, do whatever you want. We can provide that for you.

We also have a range of mattresses. They now come with controllers, so depending on how you like to sleep, I don't know. I'm a wild card. Can you control him? I'm a wild card. Oh, I can tell.

I can tell, Ronald. You get your feet in the sand. You just dig right on in. That's actually enough. Ronald, come on. We're here to get a bed. We're here to get pillows, not to ridicule Ronald. Ronald, come on, man.

I'm sorry. No, I'm so sorry. You're absolutely right. Sorry. I'm a stomach sleeper. No, I'm sorry. He kind of tosses and turns. Yes.

Okay, so we have this range where we do have a half and half side. No, it's all right. Now the energy is down. I just like, it wasn't my fault. We didn't mean for that to happen. Ronald, apologize. I'm so fucking sorry. Ronald, come on.

Really apologize. No, I laugh when I'm nervous. I can get you another clerk if you'd rather work with someone else. No, you're great. Janine, you're our clerk. My lips are sealed. And you get 5% off this. And we know that.

And we want to make sure that you get money because you've been helping us for like 10 minutes. So it's great. Janine, you're our clerk. My lips are sealed. And you get 5% off this, and we know that, and we want to make sure that you get money because you've been helping us for like 10 minutes, so it's great. The sale is yours. We just need to figure out which ones, and I'm so sorry that I yelled. And by the way, and you should know this, we haven't been sleeping very well lately,

and that's probably why Ronald's a little bit, you know what I mean? Ronald, come on. Waking up on the wrong side of the bed. Waking up too much in the middle of the night. The whole bed is the wrong side of the bed, you know what I mean? The whole bed is the wrong side of the bed. Waking up too much in the middle of the night. The whole bed is the wrong side of the bed. The whole bed is the wrong side of the bed.

So, well, speaking of bed size, I don't know if either of you sprawl out when you sleep. I kind of toss and turn. I kind of like, whatever. Maybe that's why I keep waking up in the middle of the night. Now we all laugh at Tron. Nobody's laughing at you. No one's laughing at Tron and no one's laughing at Ronald.

We, um, if anything, you know what? You guys can laugh at me. I am a chronic sleepwalker. My God. Yeah. I'll find myself at the top of the stairs in the middle of the night and wake myself up. And then the bottom of the stairs? And then the bottom of the stairs.

That's exactly. Ronald, you, you got me, you got me pegged. You got me beat right there. Janine, do you throw yourself down the stairs in the middle of the night? It's not on purpose. And I am fine at this point. Um, with my employee discount i do buy a couple mattresses to put at the bottom of the stairs just in case anything were to happen yeah but you still hit all the how big is this stairwell well you know i live in an apartment complex so i will go into

you know the back stairs so it will be so this is the stairs of the entire building this is no i didn't bring this up for you to feel feel bad for old jan. No, I brought this up so we could all laugh at each other. Ronald, say you're sorry. Everybody has their own. See, this is what I tell him all the time. He brings his rage to everything, but everybody has their own stuff. You never know what someone's going through, and I know that. Thank you.

So do your thing, Ronald. Before you say something rude, take a breath, count, think about if it's really worth it, okay? All right, I will. And Janine, sorry to bring you into this. You don't need to be a part of this. I apologize. No, you know what?

We're going to buy something today, though. I swear to you, Ronald. The sale is yours. The sale is yours. And I can tell you, you asked about size. We want a cow king. Ronald likes to throw his little toesies all the way out to the end of the bed,

and he doesn't like to feel any air. Oh, he's a sprawler. I can tell he's a sprawler. He just, he just, not a whim. He just, he just throws himself. Do you accidentally hit him in your sleep? Do you accidentally just like slap Tron around? I'm a floppy fish.

Oh my God. He's a floppy little fish. I can tell. I grab his arm. You're just a floppy fish, man. I can't. One, two, good. Three.

Keep talking over it. Four. So we need a Cal King. Basically we need a Cal King. We need a, we need a nice, soft, thin one and then a heavy one for me. And then do you guys do comforters here as well? Or how does that even work? We do comforters.

We have a whole range of comforters. Let me get a, do you have goose down duvets or no? Yes, absolutely. We actually only have one in the back. I decided it was worth it. I decided it was worth it to get angry still. I don't want you sharing these intimate details about how we sleep, Tron. We're at a mattress store, buddy.

I know. It's just like, you don't have to say that you're a floppy fish. We already said I was a stomach sleeper and that you toss and turn. That's like going to a smoothie store and saying, what do you want in your smoothie? And you're like, well, I don't want to tell you the fruits and vegetables I enjoy. How is that person supposed to do their job? This is such bullshit. I'm so sorry.

Then fucking leave. No, I'm not. I just... Then fucking leave. If you'd like to do this another day, we can schedule another time for you two to come in. No, I'd like the Cow King.

I'd like the Goose Down. I'd like one hard, one soft, and I'd like it, if possible, to use this coupon that we found. This coupon that you found? Yeah, we found a coupon on the floor. On the floor of the store? It was towards the front of the store.

I don't know if it was already used, but it was in here. Yes, this is a partially used coupon. It's a little bit of a gift card so we um i don't want to upset ronald again so you know what why don't i give you my employee discount i'm not i'm not like a landmine i'm taking time you can put you can put this coupon to use and you can put my employee discount to you so probably all all told i'll get you maybe about 60 off your purchase if that suits ronald that's unbelievable are you serious that's unbelievable. Are you serious? That's unbelievable. It's been a hard day.

And I, for the life of me, would love for Ronald to not be upset. So would you- We'll take it and thank you. Of course. I will ring you up. And there you go. And so-

You're gonna lose money on this, man. I'm so senile. You're gonna lose money on this. It's really okay. And we appreciate it. We really do. I'm sorry for yelling. Well, good luck, Tron and your little floppy little fish. You're going to lose money on this. It's really okay. And we appreciate it. We really do. Yeah. I'm sorry for yelling.

Well, good luck, Tron, and your little floppy little fish. Your little crazy sleeper, bug-eyed guy. You know? He's just a wild man in bed, I bet. What's your fucking deal, bitch? And notes. Any notes? and notes any notes this is the most fun part of improv I'd love to hear

your note Jeff please we could have gotten the bitch thing like 10 minutes earlier well we could we should have ended the scene earlier

this is this is the note I'd give Jeff Jeff do you want this note yeah yeah I'm open to anything this is

I feel like I shouldn't be doing this he's looking down he's really open to it he's looking down he's really what a fun way to find that game we found that game Jeff real quick we found that game we loved it we all knew it we're playing it together playing ping pong think you let I think you let the normalcy go for a little bit longer before you hit the game again on that second beat and I think you knew it yeah before you blow up let Riley sell us something for a little bit longer. And then when you do it, Billy Merritt, my 301 teacher used to tell me, it's like playing ping pong.

I had Billy Merritt twice in Academy. He's the best. I want to have him on the show. It's like playing ping pong. You got to go back and forth, back and forth. You can't just overhead slam every single time or nobody's playing with each other. So that's it. We just play it a little bit longer.

Actually is a really good note. Yeah, I'm actually, if I was coaching this team, that's what i would say um have you seen billy's chowder reports no i bet they're amazing he's so funny it's this weird middle ground he's like chowder report and he's just talking about various clam chowders and seafood chowders but like it's that awkward middle ground of like it's not that funny it's more serious than it is funny. It's so funny. Guys, we're doing great.

And we do like, what, three of these? Yeah, we have probably time for one more, right? Yeah, I have a short one if y'all are down. Let's do it. Can't wait. These are for the Listerine Strips. So this is a five-star review from Sophia K. Do either of you have a last name for Sophia K?

Jeff, what do you got? Let's go Cairnch. Sophia Cairnch. You know what's so funny? I wrote this thing once, but I couldn't quite figure out how to... You know that commercial, Every Kiss Begins With K? Yeah. It's like a diamond store, but they spell it Every Kiss Begins With K-A-Y, and I was

like, that's not right. Then the word would be Kais. It would be Kais. And I remember trying to write that on Twitter once. And just every time I read it back, I was like, no, this doesn't make, to write it doesn't make any sense. Because it still looks like every Kais. It just didn't make any sense.

Every Kais begins with K. Yeah. It would have to be. That's the only way every kiss begins with K would make sense. Every chaos begins with K. Yeah. It would have to be. That's the only way every kiss begins with K would make sense. K's. K's. Chaos. Chaos.

Every chaos. Okay, so wow, I forgot her last name already. What was it, Sophia? Cairnch. Punch? Cairnch. Got it. Sophia Cairnch.

And make sure we get that right. Yeah. Five stars. The title is Love. i've been using these breath strips for years and i love it it's perfect for quote-unquote emergencies i always keep a pack in my purse what do you have what were you thinking right i i didn't have a specific one in mind i was just i love the idea you just had a lot of different small ones well tell me what your small not a small one just it just the the idea of a breath mint emergency is very funny to me,

of what constitutes an emergency. I love it. All right, Jeff, now you can't start like that. That was what I was going to do. All right. I can initiate you if you want. No, no, no, no, no. No fucking way. No fucking way.

No fucking way. I don't fucking think so. Can you read it one more time? Absolutely. That'll give you time to think if you want. Go right. Yeah. Let me pull it back up.

Okay, here we go. I have been using these breath strips for years, and I love it. It's perfect for emergencies. I always keep a pack in my purse so don't touch emergencies and jeff whenever you're ready yep oh yeah you need yeah i have a philips head i keep it on my purse all the time oh did you just see mitchell versus the machines yep and uh i really took it to heart your voice is getting

shaky like you're a little uh a little nervous no no it's just like yeah I've never been this close to somebody who used to play on an MLB team oh my god yeah sorry so you said you do have that Phillips head for me though I do have that Phillips head and again that is Alex Rodriguez over there and are you serious no I'm, that's what I'm saying. That's why I'm nervous. Oh my God. You're talking about A-Rod from the Mariners and the Yankees? From the Mariners?

He was definitely on the Rangers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely on the Yankees. He was on the Yanks, yeah. Dude, he's going out with J-Lo now, I think, right? Or no, he got divorced or something? No, he divorced. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh my God. Should we talk to him about it or something? I feel like he could use the emotional support. That's what I'm thinking. I feel like celebrities don't really like when you go up to them but he's dealing with something right now this would be the time for us to actually like go up and like talk to him don't you think i say we're never gonna see him again so even if we piss him off no harm no foul that's a great way to think about talking to someone that you've seen on television that's a perfect way of thinking about it that's perfect all right this is what

i think we should do yeah we're gonna go up to him but we can't just go up to him like a oh like i love your work it has to be like a bigger entrance than that uh okay fire fire what are you doing holy shit you i'm sorry to interrupt your guys lunch but i just heard there was a fire and should we go help him in the kitchen oh my my God, dude. I'm so sorry. Is there a fire? No, no, no. We heard about Jennifer Lopez. Yeah.

If there's not a fucking fireman, then I'm going to go back and enjoy my lunch. No, they just told me that it's fine. They just told me that it's fine. Was it because you stopped being inventive in the sack? Jesus. No, I'm just... Was it?

Was it because of that? Our biggest question is, is it because you weren't invent inventive in the sack or jesus no i'm was it was it because of that that we're our biggest question is is because you weren't inventive enough in the sack and that's why jennifer lopez left you could talk to us dude we're just normal dudes we don't know who you are you don't know who i am but you know about my divorce with jennifer lopez so obviously you know who i am well you know that's the context we know you from nothing else that's all we know about you yeah all right um i actually don't feel comfortable sharing details about my intimate personal life i'll just start sharing something about my life maybe no man you really don't have to it's all good sometimes if you're vulnerable it gives other

people permission yeah barbara i was dating this girl barbara for so long and she's like i don't want to go out with you and i was like prove it and she left and i was like why and i still go to her house all the time and she's not into it and i'm like um so what's J-Lo like what's J-Lo like you're stalking your ex and you shouldn't do that anymore what's J-Lo like she's wonderful I wish her the best you know it didn't work out um and that's all I have to say are you guys members of the press off the record this is all off the record this is by the way this is all off the record was it missionary did you just do too much missionary you know what uh sorry for snapping you guys earlier. It's been really hard.

And so to have people, strangers even, who care and don't want to talk about baseball or anything else, but want to talk about how A-Rod's doing. Baseball? What the fuck is baseball? What is baseball? We don't even know what that is. You don't know what baseball is? It's okay if you don't know who I am, but you don't even know what baseball is?

Did you mean basketball? Was that the typo? We love basketball. New York Knicks this year. Are you kidding me? Emmanuel Quickly? This is unbelievable season for the Knicks. Randall has handles.

I was going to talk about every intimate detail about my sex life, about my personal history, about J-Lo, everything, but you know what? It seems like you guys just want to wax basketball, so I'll let you get back to that and i hope you have no no no no no no we want to talk about that we want to love we would love to talk about we want to be there for you dude yeah i don't know what the fuck you guys want from me you're saying you don't give a shit about who i am but you want to be there for me you want me to open up we'd love to hear the details we'd love to get into the nitty-gritty

of it and if if you want me to be vulnerable just to kind of complete the circle i uh have a horribly disfigured ass show me your ass no you don't have to show me your ass you don't have to show me your ass sorry i see my ass i just figured that'd be a good nickname for you alex rodriguez a rod does anybody else call you that yeah i don't know man know, man. Oh, nice. Okay, so you're out. You can pull your pants off. Tell me what's wrong with it. It's a very short crack. It's a short crack. It almost looks like there might be

a hole and a half. It's almost one cheek, to be honest. It looks like home base. So you do know what baseball is. I meant when you're climbing. Base camp. That's true. Base camp he's talking about it has another name also base camp maybe there's something you said you know there's something to be said

about people opening up to you and you wanted to get vulnerable too um so yeah okay you know what we'll just go we're brothers this afternoon as it's what we're brothers today um sex makes me very emotional and it doesn't for her and it hit a certain point where she just it got kind of too emotionally intimate for her and uh i can't say that's why she left but um i will say i've never had connection with anyone like that in my life and i'm sorry i don't have a weird ass i'm sorry i don't stalk my ex i'm just a guy with a big heart. And yeah, so. How far along in the relationship did this happen? Was this like after your MVP season

or before it? Got it. I'm gonna head back to my table. If we're all sharing disfigured parts of our body, let me show you my feet. Yeah, let's see the feet. I have,

so I have no real toes. I just have like big stumps. They are big, they're big stumps. It actually kind of looks like, it actually kind of looks like my ass. Yeah, it looks like your butt. And I guess we get in it there.

No, no, it's perfect. That was a perfect one. The game was clear. I felt the beats were even clearer. That might be my favorite one we've ever done. Is that crazy to say? That earnestly is my might be my favorite one we've ever done. Is that crazy to say? That earnestly is my favorite end to a scene. Disappointed.

It does look like your butt. Do you know what I realized? And I got very nervous when I did it. I'm in a hotel because we're filming here. And I just yelled fire at the top of my lungs four times in a hotel. And then I literally, and the hotel just opened. Like it's been closed because of COVID. So like there's like six people in this whole hotel.

So like things are starting to get back to normal and people are trying to figure stuff out. And I wonder if what I just did was illegal, but I don't think so. Because I'm in a hotel room. It can't be illegal, right? It's not illegal, yeah. Because that's your dwelling place for the-

Okay, good. I would just, because I literally heard a movement outside and I was like, oh, there's only like five other people in the whole hotel because they just opened. Yeah. I was like, did I just like... Commit a felony? Yeah.

Yeah. And that was kind of the onus of this. We caught your ass. This is gotcha journalism. You see like a fire department come in here. The do not disturb sign was on. Yeah. Sorry.

I yelled fire because I was doing this scene. You want to know about the scene? Okay. Alex Rodriguez. Riley was playing Alex Rodriguez. Yeah. Her middle about the scene? Okay, yeah. Alex Rodriguez. While he was playing Alex Rodriguez. Yeah. Her middle name is Marie. Yeah.

And Aaron. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. We have one last segment that we do. It's real quick. Basically, it's... Should we just do it and then tell them?

We'll just do it. Yep. All right. Real quick, real dumb. He's checking to see if there's... He's going to be arrested. I thought I heard a knock. He's going to be arrested.

I can't wait. Jeffrey, I can't wait. This shook me all week long. So Ben, this is the time to air grievances or not, or something you're obsessed with, something that's been shaking you, something you can't stop thinking about, something that you're interested really or really disinterested in as of late could be

literally anything oh wow something that i'm really interested in as of late or you gotta or if you have beef with anything you want to you want to pick a fight um or if uh there's something you've watched this idea i like talking about a passion more than something i dislike i like to try to put good stuff out in there um what if I really like... Oh, you know what I did? I just played... Okay, when I was a kid... Okay, so when you come to... I don't want to make this too long.

Sorry. But when you came to Canada, you have to quarantine for two weeks. So you have to... This is the process of how it goes. You have to take a test before you get on the plane. When you get off the plane, you take a test. Then you have to go to a government-sanctioned hotel for one to three days. You have to stay in that hotel, which is attached to the airport. You have to stay there until you get your test results

back. If they're negative, you're allowed to go into an apartment to dwell for two weeks up until your quarantine's over. And you're not allowed to leave the restrictions of your place. So for me, I got an apartment. Other people got a house, so they got a yard they're allowed to go out on, but I did not do that. So I got this apartment and I was kind of trapped indoors for two weeks. So two things happened. One was I wrote more than I've ever written in my entire life. I owed a bunch of scripts to places and I've never been quicker on deadlines in my entire life. Amazing. I just wrote all day. But the other thing was there's a video game that i played when i was a kid called final fantasy 3 this is very nerdy it's a role-playing game and

it's a game that takes over 30 hours to beat which is insane when you're a kid and um i was playing it on my super nintendo and i got to around the very last part of the game and the game erased itself um it was there was something corrupt in the file, and it erased itself after I put in about, I mean, I was a kid, and you know, there's no like maps or anything, so you have to do things 100 times to figure out where everything is,

so I must have played that game for 40 hours or something like that, and it erased, and it was so disheartening to me that I was like, I'm never gonna play this game again. I cannot, and because you can't start from the beginning. To start from the beginning, especially as a kid, and be be like i'm gonna have to spend 40 more hours of my life oh wait so when you were a kid it erased itself yes so i never got to play the last board and i never and i was at a part where i was really hard to beat and it just wouldn't i just couldn't beat

it um and it erased the whole thing and so uh and so later on in my life i like started the game again just like as a little fun thing but i was like like, I can't, I just have too much. I can't, I can't make an excuse where I can play something for 40 hours. And then quarantine happens and I brought my mini Super Nintendo. I have a little mini Super Nintendo. And I was like, this is it. I'm going to, I'm going to beat this game. I'm because I'm trapped.

I'm not allowed to leave this apartment. Yeah. I have like, so instead of going places, I'll have, I'll reward myself with this uh at night and i sat down and i played it for 35 hours oh my god together so right the way that i figured out was so it's two weeks and i instead of watching a movie at night or something like that i'd play for an hour and a half or two hours so after you know like two weeks whatever so i got pretty close to the end but then started. And I couldn't do it as much anymore. And then we had, this is my day off, and we've had like a weekend or whatever. So I told myself, like, when this weekend comes, I'm going to finish this game.

And I finished it yesterday. And it was like, there's this feeling. I thought it was going to be like, I saw a new thing that I'd never seen before, which my brain as a child was loving. I was like, oh, my God, I've never seen this part. Like, I'm up to the part that I've never seen before, which my brain as a child was loving. I was like, oh my God, I've never seen this part. Like I'm up to the part that I've never seen before. Yeah. And then I just beat it.

And it was a fun feeling. And then there wasn't the joy that I thought I'd feel, which happens a lot, I feel like in life. This is getting real, but it's like, you have this idea of like, like the first time I did, the only time I did Letterman, it was like the late show I wanted to do more

than anything else. I finally got on. I thought it was going to be like the most incredible moment of my life because I was a page late show I wanted to do more than anything else. I finally got on. I thought it was going to be like the most incredible moment of my life because I was a page there and I freelanced jokes for him for years. And it was just okay. And I was like, oh, this is it.

And I was like really upset myself being like, oh my God. But there was that feeling of like, oh my God, I did it. I've been trying to do this since I was literally 1993. So since I was 12 years old, I've been trying to beat this game.

And I'm almost 40 now. And I finally beat it. So I was very excited. I've been trying to beat this game and I'm almost 40 now and I finally beat it so I was very excited the game was so fun to play I had so much fun playing it it made me realize how much joy I get playing video games yeah um and then when it was over I thought I'd be like and I took a video of it ending and then it was over and that was it and I it was so funny of course nobody's near me right now and the second I beat it, I took a video of it and I was like,

okay, and then I unplugged the machine and put it in my luggage so I could never play that console ever again. But it was that feeling of like, I finally beat something

that I wanted to beat when I was a child and I finally had the time to do it. So that is like a big thing that I was very excited about but also the feeling of, I don't know if you guys feel this if you want to get real about it but have you ever felt that feeling of you thought this was going to be the thing that like and then afterwards it's lovely

or it feels okay for a minute but like it's just over and then you're like oh have you guys felt that or no and from what situation and also if you guys have the inverse of that of like a thing that you're really looking forward to then you did it and it was it was awesome i remember when you the i think one of the few times i've met jeffrey a couple times in person but riley i don't i think only once i think it was in chicago yeah we we jumped on stage and you guys were doing something and i remember you guys were so excited like i watched you on stage a little bit before we came out and you were pumped and you were getting laughs and you were hosting this thing for jake and amir are two, you know, I find them to be really brilliant guys. And I could see how excited and how much you were loving it.

And you introduced us to come on stage and it was very nice. But like in your eyes, I could see you guys really fucking loving that moment and stuff like that. And I was like, oh man, I love that feeling. So that in my head, is there versions like that? Or Riley, tell me the bad one and then tell me the good one. So, okay. The bad one is like, I remember,

so the first short film that Jeff and I ever made together, we shot it, oh my God, two years ago? Yeah. Wow. That makes me really sad. Holy shit, two years ago. Cause then we were like,

oh, we're gonna make so many more films and then fucking COVID hit. But anyway, we did the short film together that was like the the best time and so I went to school for theater and so I remember when I moved back and I'm from LA but when I moved back out to LA and like then got the job at HeadGum and doing all this stuff it's like and then my boyfriend went to USC Jeff went to USC so it's like all around all these film and TV people and I remember like having a lot of imposter syndrome of just like I'm just learning on the job which is really fun but then we finally got to make this short and like we had the best time learned a lot

remember so much energy and like time and like heart was being put into this thing and I'm so grateful it was and then like we wrapped and I remember the day after we wrapped just feeling like so depressed and not because it was like over but i'm just like whoa it's it's wild it's like you know when you have like a project you're working on or a couple things you're working on like all the energy is going into that and then it's done and then it's like now what like it feels like a weird void between but between that and the next thing so i remember depression linked to the idea of you don't know what's next or your depression was linked to the idea with how it came out it was no it was it was linked to being like well now where do i put all this energy and like and not having

an immediate thing to then put that into so it just felt like i was in the ether for a little bit and it was really like and so i think that also ties into like not tying self-worth to like the quote-unquote productivity or like yeah you know it's very hard to do it's really fucking especially i mean in every industry but i feel like in our industry what we do is like every it's it becomes like because of social media also now it's like you're putting so much of yourself out there that's why social media scares the shit out of me um yeah but yes i think that's great well let's. Let's end with a nice one. I do remember. So that night you're talking about when we opened for you guys and Jake and Amir. Oh, wait, can I stop you?

Was the first short film you did, I don't know if Amir ever told you, but I remember there was a short film that I saw that I was, I saw Jeffrey being hilarious in something and I told Amir, I was like, that dude's fucking funny, man. And he's like, yeah. But I saw a short film of yours and I think I told him to pass along that I thought that you were that you guys did great was that the short film the one that I saw that I was like oh these guys are fucking hilarious at the funeral I don't remember what it was about I just remember telling those guys to like pass on to either you or Jeffrey or something a while ago it's very kind the only

short I mean we've done a million sketches together, but the only short we've done is it's at a, it's called Good Morning and it's set at an open casket wake. It sounds really stupid and I'm probably going to blush. but I remember that night because it's like,

that was the first, had we done a HeadGum Live together before then? Not like the HeadGum kind of like festival live, but like we've done new shows at like Dynasty. Yeah,

we used to have a show at, it was at UCB Sunset and then we moved it to Dynasty typewriter and now it's at Lyric Hyperion. It's jumped around, but it was have a show at, it was at UCB Sunset and then we moved it to Dynasty Typewriter and now it's at Lyric Hyperion. It's jumped around, but it was like a variety show

that Riley and I hosted. But that was the, that's definitely the biggest show we've ever done. And like you guys were there and like all of, you know, all the HeadGum network people were there. It just felt different. Like it was a really.

And all of HeadGum was downstairs. I remember going down there and like everybody was there. That was such a fun time. But I remember like, I'll never forget this forget this especially like you know as a like the longer jeff and i worked together like that night felt like such a like a an awesome like you know moment in like the timeline of everything because i remember jeff and i sitting on some speakers in the wings like watching you guys do the episode and we just like looked at each other and we're like

this is what we want to be doing yeah it was so emotional just being like holy shit like we're doing the thing that we want to be doing and and this is also to get real and like ben i just think you're one of the fucking funniest people on the planet and like something i admire so much about your comedy and what you bring to to everything you do is just like and something that inspires me to do that as well it's like you bring you have such a tangible joy to everything that you do like it all comes from a place of just pure joy and like loving it and like that is is like I feel like that the times when I feel the most like fun and free is

tapping into that same kind of thing. And I remember that night like being such a huge like such a huge moment of that of like, holy shit, like this is it. This is like. I love that. Yeah. So. That's so nice of you.

And I love that. And I true. That's true. I feel like the most fun I have is when or the I feel like the audience really connects when you're having a good time. Yeah. Like, not fucking around and, like, you know, fucking up the show. But, like, if you show, like, it seems like you guys are similar.

Like, I love being on stage. I love making people laugh. Yeah. Yeah. I feel so lucky that I can, you know, when I was touring, like, you can go in front of thousands of people, make them laugh. And, like, that's your job? Yeah. And I did it for free from 2003 till 2018 or whatever. So for 15 years, I did it for $0 at UCB, $0.

And I was in heaven. And the beginning of that is probably my most favorite time ever doing anything, just learning and making mistakes with Gil and Adam. I love it so much, but I think you could see it in the way that you guys work. Jeffrey, you're very much a mirror. It's very funny. Even sometimes the way you laugh is very Amirish.

Like you'll have a very similar laugh to him. And now that you guys say the same fucking words, it's very weird. Yeah. But you could see it. You could see it when you guys play. And that's one of the reasons when you guys asked me, I was like, yeah, sure. You guys just seem like good human beings and nice and funny.

Yeah, we really appreciate it. I mean, again, that this is your day off and everything. I know. I think for me, to answer that question, I'll make it brief. But we had Ryan Gall on the show. Oh, he is. So great. So I do a show called Ben Schwartz and Friends at Largo.

I invite him all the time to do it. And then I got him. I didn't get him. I met him on House of Lies. And then I've done improv with him a couple times. And I fucking think he's so talented. He's so talented. And an actual improv teacher.

I bet he could give real notes. I've been fucking around and doing bits this whole time. But he's like. And yesterday I saw him courtside at the fucking Knicks game with Tracy Morgan. And it blew my mind. It made me, I watched, I was watching on TV and I was like, holy shit, Ryan Gall is sitting next to Jon Stewart. And I texted him and he's like, I go, are you at the Knicks game right now?

He goes, maybe. And I was like, oh, I want only good things to happen to that person. He's a group of people. Yeah. There's a group of people in my head that I was like, man, I just want Gil O'Zerry to hit and Ryan Gall to hit. I think all these funniest people in the universe. I think Lapkus is one of the funniest improvisers

I've ever seen. Katie Dippel is a great writer. All these people are like so fucking funny. Connor Ratliff has an incredible podcast. And I was like, I want these people to hit and whatever. And Ryan is always on that list of good guys that you want to just be, like you want him to just be, I'm sorry to interrupt your thing,

but he's amazing. And I think that's a perfect guest. You guys must've killed it. He's like the uncle of our show. And he came back to do like our first live show with us. Like he's just, he's the best. That was a big moment for me, similar to what Riley was just saying,

because the first time I ever saw long form improv was the Showtime House of Lies thing that you did at UCB. Oh wow, you told me this once. Did I tell you that? It blew my mind. Okay.

That's crazy. Yeah, and Gall was part of that and I think Lapkus was in this. Yeah, Gall, Lapkus, Eugene Cordero, who's also one of the funniest people of all time. Yeah.

And so, by the way, so the idea that that's the way that you were introduced to long form improv, which is with three people who've never performed long-form improv before. Don, Kristen, and Josh had never done long-form like that before. And so what did you see from that that made you – because nobody really knows. There's this – I have Middle Edition Schwartz on Netflix, but I did this special for Showtime before off of House of Lies called House of Lies Live.

Yeah. And the real reason why – I tried to sell Snow Pants, which was a show I used to do as a show to Showtime before off of House of Lies called House of Lies Live. Yeah. And the real reason why, I tried to sell Snow Pants, which was a show I used to do as a show to Showtime. And David Nevins, who's the best, was like, how about this? If you do it as like kind of like using the cast of House of Lies, I'll let you get one out on the air. If it does well, then maybe we could talk about you coming and having other people on and stuff like that. So I was like, oh, but like those guys have him. I go, what if I can, can I take anybody that's ever been in House of Lies? Because I've gotten some of my friends on the show. Yeah. So then it was like oh but like those guys have him i go what if i can can i take anybody that's ever been in house lives because i've gotten some of my friends on the show yeah so then it was like lapkus and ryan and all these people that are so good at improv so at least we could you know like

have fun and the show ended up being pretty fun i thought but i love that you saw that that's amazing yeah i i saw it and i and i took ucb 101 and 201 intensives a month after that i like went to new york i begged my parents to like, it was great. And, but so, so to have that. That makes me so happy.

Yeah. For real. Like I was introduced, like, cause I always used to make sketches growing up and stuff, but then I found that and I was like, what are they doing? I want to do that.

And, um, so for me, this moment of joy or this moment of like, this is exactly what I want to be doing is like, you know, having seen that, having done improv for the past couple of years,

and then just like getting to play with you and gall and lap kisses on the show. It's just like, it's on, it's an unbelievable full circle moment that I feel. I love it. Oh, I love it.

I'm so happy we did this little piece at the end. This makes me so happy. Yeah. It's very earnest. You guys are great. Okay. And notes on that. So I think that the way that you kind of express yourself,

I didn't believe a fucking word of any of it. Yeah'm glad you said that because i was thinking that the whole time um i love that and i love that you guys can understand that feeling of uh i felt that as well and i i love it i feel like all i miss live performing a lot i wonder what it's going to be like when it's time to get back on stage yeah i was thinking of jumping and doing ben schwartz and friends for a while at largo and just getting a bunch of friends together and just fucking making people laugh for a while seeing how it works yeah um i think that would i think that i think that's it but i don't even know if i hope largo still open or i wonder how it all works yeah um anyway we won't take up more of your time thanks so much and i was doing a bit about giving you guys notes you guys are both fucking awesome

and i love it. And I love to see people do improv. It makes me so happy. Thank you so much. Do you have anything to plug, we should say? Yeah. I forget what's coming out then. Something that I'm really excited about is I did a show called The After Party.

I haven't really talked about it yet. And it was Lord and Miller and Chris Miller directed all the episodes. And the cast is all the funniest people in the universe. It's Tiffany Haddish and John Early and Alana Glazer and Sam Richardson and Zoe Chow and Ike Barinholtz. And there's so many other people I'm forgetting. But it's just like all the funniest people in the universe are in it.

And that comes out, I don't know when, but it'll be on Apple. I think it's gonna be really fun. I mean, you know, it's not done yet and I have no idea when that comes out i don't know when but it'll be on apple i think it's gonna be really fun i mean you know it's not done and i have no idea when it comes out but that one i'm like we're doing i'm shooting space for us right now so that'll come out whenever that comes out yeah but um we wrapped that one during covid during fucking during like the worst time of covid in california like we wore masks every second we got tested twice a day every day and it was like a big like it was like let's see if we can do this and chris miller was a genius and i think it's

gonna be really really fun and good i'm very excited for it to come out um so that i'll plug that but i have no idea when it's coming up jeff anything to plug nothing awesome should we take a picture should we do a screenshot right now yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's pose. Great. That's going to be great. Hell yeah. Wow. What a special time for all of us.

Thank you so much, Ben. Thank you so much. I'm hanging out with you guys. Yeah. What a lovely way to start a Monday. Yeah, truly. You are the best for coming on. We cannot thank you enough. On a day off, no less.

You guys did great. You guys are fucking great. I can't wait. Maybe we'll see you around the new office sometime this summer or something absolutely not yep that was insane um let's uh oh you can find you can find mefri on instagram at jeffrey james you can find him on twitter at jeff boyardee um i'd like to plug that i turned 25 uh so um yeah you'd like to plug that I turned 25 so yeah that's like to plug that I'd like to plug that I'm 25 now so

I know everything my brain is fully developed at this point that is true your brain fully develops at 25 and so I am now Jeffrey's legal guardian I think you can find the show on Instagram at Review Review and on Twitter at Review Review Show

and on Reddit at r slash Review Review. And you can follow Riley on Instagram at Riley Anspa on Twitter at Riley Coyote. Big thank you to our VI podcast, Aaron Carrico. Adam Shea. Oh my God. Agent Jack Scarn. That's right, I'm Jack now.

Just as equally cool as Gray. How do you like me now, Hasty? Ako. Alan. Alex Witt. Oliver Walser-Lindell. Anna Liv. Anthony Amadeo.

Austin Frostin-Acupston-Cakeston. Bagadoo. The cash went through. Monkey see, monkey do. I paid a monkey to throw its poop at me. I'm bad with money and monkey. Bird Cohen. Bob Buell. Brad Hild. Brian Dodd. Chuck. Cameron Bradley

Chasten Bales Christian Bale Dior with Veronica Webb Connor Finnegan Curvature Damien M. Tarkander under Gunderson Kirk Daniel's Had Enough Cluff

Douglas aka Doge-less aka someone who saw how rich Jeff got and went all in on Doge right before it fell off a cliff Eric Gray is cooler than me Hallie is my best friend and my podcast is fine crust.

Fancy Octopus. Jeffrey, but on a moped. Gray here and I'm summoning the Gray Army to defend my cool name and prove Jeffrey freaking James wrong. Greg Berg. Hallie needs that Wawa. Hey Jack, it's Laura. I literally answer all your calls.

You are honest to God, the most clingy person I've ever met. Polly. Isaac Puff New Patriot. Now even if that was true three weeks ago, no fucking way. Jake the Snake Raddiff. Jake Knight. Jake Ullman. Jamie Poncia. Jared. Jared K.

Jasper Hoffman and congrats of Nolan Murphy for getting, in air quotes, employed. Proud of my son. Jerry Garcia is clearly outclassed as a musician by Macklemore. Jesse Tipton. Jive Gosley. Jonah Sanchez.

Jubb Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt. Caleb Luster. Kevin Sunt. Kinsey Ois. Lord Malang. Lord Hunter the Cool. Malik. Mark Priest.

Matthew Lizama. Michael Rowland. Mr. Tuesday Night has had enough of your sass, Mr. James, so that actually is enough out of you. Nate Porteus. Nikki Crunch. Nolan Murphy. More like Yolo Murphy because he only has one life to live and he's absolutely wasting it. Nothing sometimes.

Phoebe. Phoenix McVernon. Please, Laura, I know you're listening. I just want to see you one more time, then I'll leave you alone, Jack XX. Rooster Williams. Ryan's sweat, way too skinny jeans. Sam Adams. Sam Armstrong. Sarah Kilduff. Slick Ricky.

Space Ant. Spencer. T. Well. R. These bag of bundles are longing to bar. Ty Sambi's famously fabulous fat fanny. Will Benitez.

Xander Madsen. Yarrow Bouchard. Yasmin David. New patron. New patron. We fucking did it, Riley. We fucking did it. In a way, we've kind of, you were just saying this over text, we've kind of closed the trifecta.

We got the gall. Say verbatim what you texted me. We got the gall. Yeah. We snagged the Schwartz. Holy shit. And we lassoed the lap kiss. Nailed it. Nailed.

Speaking of. Nailed it. Speaking of. We got the triple crown. Thank you to all our VI podcats for subscribing at the highest tier. If you want more of our

comedy content, go to patreon.com slash Riley and Jeff. Or don't. Or don't. And we'll see you guys again next week. Hi, Jeffrey! we'll see you guys again next week. Hi, Jeffrey!

We'll see you guys again next week. Arrivederci! That was a Hiddem Original.