Review Revue - Caffè Nero (w/ Ed Jones!)

Episode Date: March 14, 2023

Comedy sensation Ed Jones skypes into Review Revue with Alf and Reilly to do slam poetry and receive divine messages while reading reviews on Caffè Nero.   Follow at: IG: @reillyanspaugh @alfredinnit Twitter: @reilecoyote  Join the discord here! Follow Ed on IG <><> Produced by Daniel Ramos @Schubirds Advertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fm This episode is sponsored by/brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/REVIEWREVUE and get on your way to being your best self.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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This is a HeadGum Original. There's a podcast program called Review Review. It's hosted by Jeffrey James and Riley Too. They'll talk about deodorant, soap that smells like an ex. Margarita fills an arcade. What will they do next? And can you see Jeff's wagon tonight? As it squeezes into courts at least he's got the goal or otherwise to feature on the pod that was that was beautiful um that was amazing that was elton john singing can you feel the love tonight i'm just kidding. It was from two wonderful people who say hi to front of the pod Elizabeth Valenti. And that was sent in September 15th, 2021.

Alfred. I'm sad. You said you're sad. I'm sad. Why are you sad? Why? Is it because it was a Jeff theme song again? I just.

I think I have a really nice ass. And nobody writes shit about my ass. And yet Jeff hasn't been on the show at this point in months. These are backlogged. He was on the show for three years. So these are theme songs. Right, right, right. But I've been on the show, you know, for a little bit.

A month? Yeah. Maybe, not even. But there's not even been one song about my ass. My swangin' wagon. You know what I mean? Like, I just feel like it's fucked up. wagon you know what i mean like i don't i just feel like it's fucked up would you write one i don't know no come on i think because it's like

your ass sorry may if i meet me so bold doesn't have any lore to it in the same way that his thang does i can make lore for it no you can't because also we're wasting time because we have one of my favorite guests and favorite people on can't because also we're wasting time because we have one of my favorite guests and favorite people on the episode today and we're wasting time talking about your not famous ass you usually love to talk about my ass you change Ed Jones is bad I don't want to stop

any ass chat ass chat this should be a constant I don't want to get in the way but not his like it's different and I also this is coming from the person who hated talking about jeff's ass and still do but like i will stand up for the guy i'll stand up for his wagon like the wagon is uh it's a wonder of the world it really is how long do i take like when you first started how long did it take for theme songs about asses to to come in

just so you've got like a benchmark out of how long a couple months i appreciate how many couple months okay so we're getting there it's close you should it hasn't even been a full month by easter i expect i want to wake up on good friday by the day the lord rises i expect that my ass will rise from the ashes from the the asses. Ed, how are you? Oh, mate, I'm well. I'm well. How are you guys? Oh, wow. I'm better now.

When we hopped on the Zoom, Ed so genuinely was like, I hate to, you know, be so corny, but like, can you believe we're in different time zones right now? Guys, isn't it insane? It is. The mind boggles. The mind boggles. What? It's 10 0 8 a.m for me alf it's noon 08 p.m for you true and it is eight minutes past six in the evening in london town i mean god what can you say what can you say um alf if alf's mad i'm even more mad because i'm no longer the most british host of this podcast

since jeff left and so it's like i feel like that was the only thing ed and i could connect on and now it's like what it's fucking nothing now we're talking about time zones like what the fuck is that this is a very british thing to do it's like uh yeah we love the time zone chat i feel every time i go to la i feel incredibly disarmed in small talk because I can't talk about the weather. Oh, mate. Oh, let's just do two hours of weather chat. Because here it's like, oh, can you believe we had a day of sun three weeks ago in Chicago? That's what it's like.

It's the same in the UK. Whereas in LA, it's like I would just want to every time I saw somebody be like, can believe this beautiful day we're having and they'd be like yeah it's been that for a year last night we did have some it's it's january and we had insane wind like fucking nuts and like we have trees right outside our windows they were banging the trees were banging it felt like very poltergeist like trees banging on our windows and there was a fire three minutes away and so um we were watching tv last night daniel and i and suddenly we're just like that smells weird and we're like looking around our kitchen like is anything on and we're like oh that's smoke and we like open the windows just make sure it wasn't we really checked upstairs we're like okay it's not our apartment um but because our building is very old it catches on

fire well sure it's made of fireworks the the uh in our windows they have like some openings at the bottom like it's not fully closed and so we were ended up just like wearing masks watching tv because the smoke was so bad um and we're like texting our neighbors and our neighbors like sorry to text at like 10 50 at night but like you smell smoke right and we're like oh yeah it's not us and i'm like it's three miles away and dan's like minutes it's three minutes i'm like fuck me it's three minutes we're like, oh yeah, it's not us. And I'm like, it's three miles away. And Dan's like, minutes, it's three minutes. I'm like, fuck me. It's three minutes. The fire's three minutes away.

So it's not even a big deal. But also, The Last of Us, you've got to see it. Oh my God. You've got to see it. I'm only one episode in. We didn't watch, we didn't watch the last episode. You've got to see it. Fuck a fire.

Alf, what's new with you? It doesn't matter. So then why ask? Then why ask? Because it's like, we have to. Okay. That's what's new with me is that there's fires immediate in my immediate vicinity um my uh this is related to the weather my gas

bill is tripling every month it triples um it's so cold here and i don't know what to do i woke up freezing in the middle of the night and i am i am the one oh come on that's actually something to feel bad for me what the fuck is wrong with you uh genuine plea for help yeah but i just feel bad because i feel like i end up being being the dad in the in the apartment who's like what's your arrangement do you have uh others others alongside you it's me it's my children no um i feel like a dad which is weird it's me a four and two year old two people that i went to college with um nice still live together and it's great except for the fact that i feel the need to be um like putting sticky notes on on the thermostat being like remember remember uk remember Ukraine. You know what I mean? Oh my God.

I'm just saying it's cold and it's expensive to put gas. And also my office, the room that I'm in right now is not insulated. Nice. And so it's really, really cold in here. So I have a blanket on me as we speak. Like an old man throwing a blanket over my legs. But I'm cold. That's what's new with me. I'm cold and I'm tired.

The weather's got a lot of air miles in this. You guys, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but we're not here to talk about the weather. We're not here to talk about throwing blankets over your laps like you're someone's grandfather. We're here to talk about something that's pretty groundbreaking. It's kind of taken over the world in many ways, I would say. It feels like home, and it feels like somewhere you've never been at the same time.

We're talking about Cafe Nero. Si, si, si, si, si, si. Ed, talk to me about it. Tell me about Cafe Nero! Si, si, si, si, si, si. Ed, talk to me about it. Tell me about Cafe Nero. I mean, Cafe Nero is kind of like, do you guys have it in the States or is it just, it's exclusively a UK thing? We have a few. A few.

It's not a lot. All right. So they're kind of taking tentative little Italian footsteps out there in very nice shoes. So like Nero is like, it's a chain. It's probably like the second biggest UK coffee chain after Starbucks and it kind of prides itself on being this like hey it's like a an Italian uh it's in the middle of the piazza it's a classy place that you go and get your espresso it's nice it's a chain but it's nice yeah I mean it sort of came to the UK under that guise.

And then since then, it's kind of become like there are thousands of them. So every town has like two Cafe Neros. So and everyone has the same picture of like two old Italian dudes playing dominoes in it as if it's like. And it's always like black and white. Yeah, always black and white and always um pictures of big like bags of coffee beans just to remind you that that's yeah yeah yeah old withered hands are you like if you're forced to choose you know a road diverging in the wood there's a cafe nero on the left there's a there's a costa on the right where are you going oh this is it this is this is the eternal question um i think nero just from the it's got like i think it's got two r's in it or it's got two f's in it it is which kind of gives

it like an extra classy edge whereas costa is just kind of like it's it's in and out when you say it. Costa. But Cafe Nero has a beautiful kind of linguistic elegance. The coffee's much worse, but you love how it sounds. It's wet dirt in a cup, but oh my word, the way they do it. Oh, ciao, Bella. So what's your order? You're going to Cafe Nero. What is your order? I'm just, I'm a black Americano boy.

I did it once. I got the first coffee I went for was with a girl when I was. The first ever coffee they served at a cafe in New York. You were the first customer. I was patient zero when it came to hot drinks. And the, so I went for a date when I was like 15. I've never had a coffee before. And I thought like, this is what I'll do.

I'll have a coffee. That'll be, that'll be kind of cool and interesting. So adult, yeah. So I just panicked and said, I'll have an Americano. And they're like, do you want milk? I said, no. And tried to drink it and like hated every second of it. But she generally said like, oh, cool.

You drink black coffee. That's kind of cool. And genuinely ever since then, some, you know, 15 years on on i still do it in the hope that someone will just say hey cool thanks man yeah and did it work out you married now or is it no no we uh we swiftly parted ways um i'd love to say it was a mutual decision um it wasn't it but it's been 16 years and i'm over it i don't think about it ever so it's fine don't sound over it but uh 16 years and I'm over it. It never is. I don't think about it ever, so it's fine. Don't sound over it. Riley, what about you? You Cafe Nero.

Were you in, when we lived in Boston, was the Cafe Nero on Commonwealth Avenue there? It was. I think it was my senior year that it came up. Yeah, that one, the one Cafe Nero I've seen in the States is in Boston. I'm sure there are more, but that's the one that I went to. Well, it's like Boston also has like a Primark.

It's like Boston. Yeah, it has like these weird like testing ground for like British chain but I love a cafe Nero the one in Boston was quite big um the biggest cafe Nero I've ever seen it was huge there were like multiple setting area like it was Like it was very, it was very nice. It was a full on like restaurant. It was, it was huge. But I love a Cafe Nero. It, my cousin, one of my cousins in Ireland is a manager of a Cafe Nero. Wow. Yeah.

Yeah. So I got an in. But I, I love it. I mean, listen, if I'm, i will always pick a cafe nero over i think that actually might be if i want food i'm going to a pret oh yes i'm going to a pret but if i'm just doing a coffee i'm doing nero over costa over starbucks like i will i will hunt down a nero um yeah very good alf what about you dunkin donuts i'm only ever going to dunkin donuts i love my dunk he got a new brand sponsorship deal and like it's he brings it up all the time it sucks you know in all seriousness i would get

a dunkin donuts tattoo um if they asked me to um i wouldn't even need anything in return i would just need duncan to ask me to uh but no but i like i cafe nero is fine i mean i you know i'm a barista by training um i love coffee by trade my father was a coffee his father was a coffee my mother was an old italian man's hands scooping things over back no but i i I love coffee, and Caffeineer is good. The one in Boston that was on my walk between my apartment and where most of our classes were when Riley and I were in college was

it kind of had a kind of stressful energy in there. It's like, coffee shops that are on college campuses, university campuses, always are packed 24-7. You can always are packed 24 7 you can never find a seat you can never and the employees are always so tired because they're so busy and they're just like they're at their wits end and so it it was not a place that i would go sort of willingly

but sometimes i had no choice and the coffee was was fine coffee was fine it was more the sort of willingly but sometimes i had no choice and the coffee was was fine coffee was fine it was more the sort of ambiance that was lacking for me not nothing on that duncan that duncan ambiance duncan has a sterile kind of it's very like get in and get out but but no but they don't want you to say i have never been in a dirty duncan i've never been in a dirty duncan i can't say the same like an operating theatre Exactly Yes It's like tile White Glass

Everything Steel You know The bathrooms are clean And Cafe Nero It's like There's always just like Trash

Piling up I remember There was one Cafe Nero I went to when I When I went to Lambda And like Okay Name drop

Humble brag It was very nice I do it every episode No I. I do it every episode. No, I know I do it every episode. Lambda is like a big deal as well. I don't think... Guys, I also did the same thing. I also went to Lambda.

I don't know why you're acting like... No, but when I do it, it's different. It's different. It's different. It's not different. You just did it two years before I did it. It's not a big deal. Come on.

So like you're following in my footsteps, which is really cute. Because I'm younger. Because you're old. No. There was one year I went to that I was just like hardwood floor. It was a lot of mahogany, a lot of dark wood. It was just nice. It was cozy.

It was the woods and the blues. Whatever. Fuck you guys. Let's do a review. You're so mad. Just kidding, Ed. You're being great. It's Alf. Come on. Okay. fuck you guys let's do a review you're so mad just kidding ed you're being great it's it's alf come

on um um okay who wants to kick us off with our first review it can be anybody i can kick off if you want oh please do it ed shall i shall i just okay here we go this is you may not have been to this one but you bet you may have been to this one. You may have been. So this is for a cafe nearer in Golders Green, which is like North London. It's one star and it's from Sarah S. Sarah. Sarah. Sarah.

Sarah. Sarah. It's Sarah. Sarah. Hi, it's Sarah. Yep. Sarah. Sarah.

Here to see no one. Okay, here we go. One star. She says, one of the baristas who was recently promoted to team leader has changed his attitude so much. Amazing how this guy changed once he was given a little more power. He is a tall Italian with distinctive blue eyes.

He has flirted with my daughter on several occasions and offered her on a numerous amount of occasions freebies. Now, we all like freebies, but not to the extent where a business suffers. He also said to us, come to the store when he works on his own so he can give us more freebies and offered to tell us his schedule when he's on his own.

At this point, we walk straight out. One of my close friends has also experienced this flirting and freebies being offered. You are losing profit and should not employ staff like this. I'm no longer going to this branch and a few of my friends feel very uncomfortable. My husband was fuming and wanted to go straight into the shop and challenge this unprofessional

individual. Oh my god. I calmed my husband down and then called customer services and complained in great detail. My message to Cafe Nero is train your staff to a professional level. I love I love the idea that

they're like most concerned about the bottom line. You know what I mean? Yes, yes. You're a business. This is people's livelihoods at stake. Money walking out the door. What are you doing? Yeah, at first I got confused and I thought it was a colleague.

It's like, huh, crazy. His attitude has changed. He's so different. When we were working under management he was great but it's like it is a customer who's been there enough to have seen this man through his promotion to be like you've changed you've changed clearly so like has such a crush on the guy as well but it's just not willing oh yeah so jealous so jealous it's like my daughter is it it. Oh yeah, so jealous. So jealous. It's like, flirt with my daughter. Is it because you're, is it because you're

distinctive Italian blue eyes? Yeah. Okay. Well, it's not going to work on everyone. It's gorgeous piercing blue. Get lost in them

like the oceans of the world. Blue, blue, blue eyes. Honey, I have to talk to you. I just, sweetie, you can go upstairs. Okay.

What's wrong, sweetheart? Oh, well, where to start? Where to start? So we went to Cafe Nero. We went to get a coffee. Of course. Remember Luca, who he was just kind of one of the baristas. We was, you know, we're regulars.

Yeah, honey, you're shaking. No, I'm sorry. It's just I've been through a lot today. Luca was promoted and he's different. Michael, he's different. He he's giving out free things to our daughter. He's been flirting with her incessantly. And I'm just like, what? I mean, he's so like that, like gorgeous. He's this gorgeous head of hair and his distinctive blue eyes. And he thinks he can just flash these these amazing smiles at people and and expect expect everyone to not notice what he's doing i mean the store's hemorrhaging cash at this point michael and he's flirting with with with our marie it's it's unbelievable it really is i don't want to bring her into this but it's can can i can i just hear marie's side of the story here well i mean it's pretty clear i don't know if we even need to hear it because it's just,

he's making everyone so uncomfortable and he's, it's just, I mean, if you want to hear it, like, sure, like I can, we can bring her in. I just already know what she's going to say. Marie, darling, darling, sweetheart, can you come downstairs for two seconds?

I mean, I don't know. This feels like a waste of time. Give me a minute. Busy. Busy? What are you doing? Skype. Marie, your father wants you just come down fine i'm coming i said i was gonna come i said i was coming i swear to god if that girl spends one more hour on skype it is money down the drain hello mom and dad you were fucking desperate for me i'm here

okay a little less of the attitude sorry sorry thank you sorry no that was really disrespectful you're my mom and dad and i'm sorry that i did that thank you that was very out of character i don't know what just happened i'm sorry um your father wants to know about about luca and cafe nero which i already told him the whole story so if you want to go back on skype oh the the guy. Oh, yeah. Luke. Yeah. Luca. Yeah. Yeah.

Luke. Yeah. He's yeah. He's the barista at Cafe Nero. He we went in earlier on and he he tried to compliment mom's dress and she really got. Wait, wait, wait. What? No, that's not what happened. I thought he was

just complimenting you, sweetheart. He was. He was. He was. Well, he was. Yeah, I mean, he looked at me and he said Oh, you're looking gorgeous. And I said Thank you, sir. And then he kind of threw something away to mum, make her feel, you know, like she was you know, still something to look at.

And... Honey, what did he say to mum? Sorry, sweetheart. He didn did he say to what did he say to mom sorry sweetheart he didn't say it was it was really he was just talking to her if i want to hear if i want to hear the story from my own daughter i will hear the story from my own daughter i think he said let me think exactly what he said he said um well i'll tell i'll i'll tell you one thing about that dress. Your ass is no flat white. That, I think, is what he said exactly about mums. Sweetheart, you should have led with that. When you came in and told me, you should have said that.

Oh, but it's not a big deal. I mean, you know. No, it wasn't. It was nothing. It's not you I'm angry with, sweetheart. He says that to everybody. I'm laughing because I'm nervous because I feel like

my family is ganging up on me for nothing. You're blushing. You've gone red. I'm not. I haven't. I don't know what

you are talking about. It's crazy. It's crazy. She's being crazy right now. No, I'm not being crazy. So he looked at me and he said,

oh, I really like that headband you're wearing and I said, thank you, Luca. See, such a come on, such a come on. And then he looked at mum and he said, oh, I really like that headband you're wearing. And I said, thank you, Luca. See, such a come on, such a come on. And then he looked at mum and he said, I don't need to ask your name, Rumpelstiltskin. Right, okay. It's not on.

It's not on. Dad, don't be such a, oh my God, you're such a like chauvinist. Michael, are you kidding me? Are you kidding? He said, he said, nice, he said, nice headband. That's what he said. He said, oh, nice headband. Well, mum, that's not on, mum. he said, nice to hear the band. That's what he said. He said, oh, nice to hear the band. Well, mum, that's not on, mum.

I don't, I don't think. It's Italian. Sweetheart, I know this is, there's a lot of tempers being thrown around here, but let's stay respectful at the same time. Right. I am being respectful. It was Marie who was disrespected by this, by this, by this man. You know, he's such a, like, that's what he is. He's a man.

He is a capital M man. You know, he's such a, like, that's what he is. He's a man. He is a capital M man. Yeah, okay. I think, yeah, you're drawing quite a clear picture of who this Adonis is. Thank you. Thanks very much. Yes. Why are you, I don't know why everyone's upset with me. I don't know why everyone's like, oh, Lisa.

Because I was on Skype. That's why I'm upset. I have loads of. You go back on Skype. I actually think that'd be a great idea. Thank you. I'm going to go upstairs. Who are you talking to?

No, no, no. Who are you talking to? Before you go. Who are you talking to? No, no, no. Who are you talking to? Before you go. Who are you talking to? Oh, no, you know, just mates, schoolmates. Okay. All right. I love you.

Yeah. All right. I don't believe you, but go upstairs. Yeah, all right. You see what I, so you see what I mean. So you see what I mean. Today was ridiculous. Which one is it?

Which, which Nero is it? It's, it's just the one a couple blocks away. All right, all right, all right. Puts on his coat in such a horrible manner. Don't do that to me. You can't quite get it up. You're in a state. You're in a state.

No, no, no. You need help. What are you doing? Oh, you're going to go over there? Don't try to stop me. You're going to go over there? Do you want me to try and stop you? You need help.

You can't even put that on. I'm going to get my car keys and I'm going to drive. I'm going to wait until morning until they open that place up. You're going to go over there? Do you want me to try and stop you? You need help. You can't even put that on. I'm going to get my car keys and I'm going to drive. I'm going to wait until morning until they open that place up. You're going to drive three blocks. I'm going to drive three blocks. Because I want to be there bright and early when this so-called lucre opens up shop, all right? Well, what are you going to do? What are you going to do?

Chastise him for flirting with our daughter? Is that what's going to happen? First of all, I'm going to see how hot this man is with my own eyes. No one ever said he's hot. No one said that. You're making this up in your own head. You sound crazy, actually. I hate throwing that word around, but you sound crazy.

I want to put my own distinctive eyes. I'm going to clap them on his, see we'll see who's who's distinctive eyes brewing um i'm just i'm gonna go now cut to the next morning he's there sorry sir we are not open for another 20 minutes all right i'll wait 20 minutes later. Wait. Good morning, sir. How can I help you? Yes, hi. Is Luca in? Yes.

Let me go get him. Hiya. Luca, you need anything or what's up? Hi. Hi. Hello. Hello. Oh, wow.

Sorry, I just didn't expect you to have such distinctive blue eyes yeah thank you mate and hey you're not looking bad yourself latte ass in those cappuccinos am i right come on come on sorry i'm giggling like a oh i'm giggling like a schoolgirl. This is embarrassing. Running back in. Michael, Michael, don't do anything rash. Oh, hi, Luca. Oh, it's Rumpelstiltskin. Yeah, stop it. That one's good as well. Honey, he did one for me as well.

Sorry, it doesn't matter. Oh, did he? You carry on. You guys are a fit couple. What can I get you? Oh, gosh. Pull you over to one side. Honey, I don't want to jump to any conclusions here, okay?

Yeah. You know, ever since, and I love her to pieces, but ever since she came along, there's been tension between us. Between us? Yeah. It's because of the Skype. It's because she's always on Skype, which has been a strain on our marriage.

Yeah. Her being on Skype is the worst thing for our marriage. It's unbelievable. We said we wouldn't give her a username until she was 14, but I crumbled. I crumbled and I shouldn't have done it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, my darling.

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. Did you see what I mean? Do you guys want anything for coffee? Just one second. One second. You all right?

Banging on the door, desperate to get in 20 minutes ago. Now he can't fucking order. Weird. Sorry about that. I'll pay for the chipping on the paper. Everything. He'll pay for the everything. I'll pay for everything, too.

Shattering, more like. But yeah, keep going. Sweetheart, just leave this with me. Luca. Yeah. What's your deal, man? What are you saying? Sorry?

Yeah, what are you saying? What are you saying? I'm just trying to make your day brighter, I guess, is all. You know, I'm a barista. Is it about us or is this to everybody? No, I mean, a lot of people, but not everybody. Really? Yeah, I mean, you guys, no, like you're an attractive couple.

What are you, 43? Points to the wife. And 47. That's very kind. 51 last year. Hell. Give me your moisturizer, eh? No, I don't use it.

It's just water. It's genuinely just water. No way. It's just water. No way. It's just water. He doesn't use it. He doesn't have any skincare routine.

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing at all. I see where your daughter gets it. Yes. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing at all. I see where your daughter gets it. Yes. Sorry. Nothing. It doesn't matter.

Your honor. Please. Your majesty. If I were to perhaps offer two hot coffees, would you understand what I mean by that? Yeah. I think I can do that for you. Girl coming in the shop.

Luca, it's time to go, darling. My darling, it's time to go. You're done with your shift. We're going home. I've only been at work an hour, Marie. You're also named Marie. Such a long line out this shop. No, Luca's my fiance. We're heading out now. show. No, Luke is my fiancé.

We're heading out now. He said we're going to visit my parents. Are you all right? I'm just trying to pick up a couple of older ones. Oh, God. These are the oldest ones this week. No, come on. I'm 47.

It's not that long. Is he talking about us? Are you talking about us? No, you're not talking about us. He's not talking about us. No, I think he's talking about someone else. I'll be out in a jiff Pat Get in the car Alright darling

I'm in the I'm in the car Well stay in there You've got a booming voice God's sake Don't get out Fucking hell I'll get out

If I bloody want I'll stay in the car Because it's right cold But if you don't get out Of the shop in five minutes I'm coming out of the car Alright well you know It's going to take me

Fucking longer to get out Of the fucking shop If you don't fucking shut it sorry about the most attractive attractive people you've ever seen so horrible you uh you uh you two how do you fucking do it i mean how long have you been together 30 years uh 30 Well, we met when we were 19. So, yeah. Just over. 30. I don't think that's actually the most pressing question right now.

Sorry. We felt special. You made us feel special. No. You have a partner, it seems. And I guess so do I. But that doesn't matter. We thought that maybe this could be something,

but I guess I was blinded by those distinctive blue eyes. Look, love, I'm flattered. Are you? Yeah, but this is ultimately, this is a cafe Nero. It's not a pret-a-menage-a-trois. I'm not going to have a threesome with you. No, that's fine. And sorry if I'm off base, but I did feel like that was what you were angling for. No, we've never done this before.

So when he said two hot coffees, he was offering our bodies to you. For some I'll do. Excuse me? I'm not getting in bed with you. Oh, come on. You never let me have anything. Comesome, I'll do. I'm not getting in bed with those fucking geese. Oh, come on! You never let me have anything. Come on, darling. I'm going to meet my parents

at a Dior show. I'm on the runway this week, aren't I? All right, all right, you fucking slag. She's stunning. She seems like a lovely girl. She's so fucking stunning.

Really switched on. She's nice, you know. They're fucking 100. How fucking old are they? They're not. Yeah, lovely girl. Lovely girl. They're fucking 100. How fucking old are they? They're not 40s at most. So you're saying if we go to Pret, we will have a threesome? Yeah, everybody at Pret wants to have a threesome with you. Okay.

Condition of employment. Let's go. I mean, who among us, who among us hasn't thought a barista was flirting with us just because they asked for our fucking name? Who among us? It's like, and you're, and I'm like, oh, Riley. And then they're like, oh, how's that?

It's when they say, how's that spelled? And I'm like, no one ever asks. Usually people just do R-L-E-Y, but that's not what it is. Can I? I don't really get that with Ed. And how just do R-L-E-Y, but that's not what it is. Can I... With Ed. And how is that spelled? Really? And how is that spelled?

And then you're like, well, never mind. With a seven, I guess. The thing, something really terrible happened to me once. Oh. I know. And it's when I was working as a barista. And I was really tired, you know, had to get up early for the shift. And this girl comes up to order. And instead of saying, and can I get a name for the order?

I genuinely by accident just go, can I get your phone number? And so to her, it seemed like me, the bar barista was doing the most aggressive flirt possible and i really wasn't and she looked she looked she like bright red like instantly bright red she's so flustered she's like oh sure sure and then i had to be like oh no i i don't actually want it no that's terrible no you should have just i know that's even worse to be like oh wait no never mind not you i know and i guess did you think i wanted to oh you really laughable that you think that i would want to spend time with you it was terrible fucking dog i felt really bad and and that terrible. And I, you know, at the end of the day, I introduced that story by saying something really terrible happened to me.

Yeah, so that's interesting. And now that I think, when I look at it in the rear view, I think I'm the asshole. Blind you, though. You come out of it, there's the instant sex appeal from the customer being like, oh, yeah, of course, of course. I know. Well, it did.

It was like, you know well it did it was like i've you know it was a awful it was a moment though i was like do people do that is that how confident some people are and i think the answer is yes um could never uh let's take a break And we're back. Alf asked for 10 people's phone numbers in the time between taking a break and coming back. Just screaming out the window. I gave it to him. Yeah. Alf, would you like to read our next review?

Absolutely. This is from Richard C. Ed, Richard C. Oh, sorry. I was actually asking you. You know what I was going to say? Care. No, you weren't. So you know what? Richard C. Today, Richard C. Oh, sorry. I was actually asking you. You know what I was going to say? Keir. So you know what?

Today's a good day. What are you actually going to say, Richard C.? I was going to say Keir, Richard Keir. Actually? Yeah. I don't buy it. Come on. I don't buy it.

Richard Keir. That's nice. This is for a... Freaking me. This is for a... A cafe Nero in Crawley. Oh, Crawley. Lovely.

Yeah. Yeah. Nice. Nice area. That's never been. Five stars. As an evangelist, I love this coffee shop. What the fuck?

I carry a 12 foot cross and Cash, the barista, put a cross on my delicious coconut latte. Five stars. Is there a picture? There is a picture of him with his 12-foot cross and the latte. Oh. And it really is exactly what- It's a massive wooden cross. I didn't necessarily see a cross when I first opened it up.

This visual, I thought that he was saying that the barista put a cross on the cup. That's what I thought, yeah. Of like, oh, here Richard, and Richard with a little cross next to it. But this is a cross foam art. Yes, it is. The foam is so thick that it's rising out of the cup it's genuine 3d isn't it that's incredible it looks like two caterpillars have sort of plopped in there's a little jesus with uh with holes in his wrists in cocoa that's really nice really wild

in cocoa that is really really wild so do do we think that Richard brought the cross in or he just happened to mention that he carries one around? I think he brought it in. You think he brought it in? Commitment to the bit. I mean, if you're going to carry a 12-foot cross with you, you can't just leave it in the parking lot. I wonder if he was shocked that they drew the cross in film art.

Like, he didn't even ask. He just had the cross with him. I didn't think people noticed the 12-foot cross. I thought this was... What a crazy coincidence. Is it a thing? Is that kind of a thing for me? He thinks it was like, he doesn't realize the barista actually did it.

He's like, oh my God, it's a message. It just appeared in the foam. Another customer at the cafe. Sorry, I overheard. What's a message? You were talking right at me. Yeah, no, I just... You just looked at me dead in the eyes.

No, right. Yeah, no, sorry. I just... Look at this. Oh, nice. It's pretty. Right. But it's a message, no?

A message. The foam art? Well, yeah, I mean, it's a message, no? A message. The foam art? Well, yeah, I mean, it's a message. It just sort of appeared there. Are you for real? Sorry, what's your name? Brian. Brian, I'm Celeste.

You're telling me that that latte didn't come with that art. It just happened. No, no. They made the latte and they put it down and then boom it was there oh my god we this is amazing this is amazing you need to you need to tell more people you need to go on the news this is incredible you think so absolutely you need to call up the news right now people need to know about this across the world i wouldn't know what to say i'm not much of a public speaker hey Hey, I saw that confidence. Oh, yes, yes, you, sir. I have a cappuccino for Celeste. Is that you?

That's me, yes. Yeah, there's a little, just a little something on top. Just a bit of fun. Oh, thank you. Cheers. Have a good day. Celeste. You're not going to believe this. What is it? You're not going to believe this.

Tell me the message. Tell me the message. Tell me the message. It's a heart. It just popped up. Oh my god. Love. It's love. It's love.

This barista must know something that we don't know. Maybe you're going to find love soon. I hope so. I was just broken up with this morning. So the fact that then a heart appeared in my latte this is this is crazy guys i'm so i'm so sorry to interrupt i just heard you um i heard you talking just then um yes i got a i got a flat white and i i can you confirm this for me this looks like a like a qr code in the top of my coffee can you scan it scan it scan it scan it there's a link there's a link click it click it i'm it scan it there's a link there's a link click it click it

i'm not even kidding there's a link there's a oh my god what if it what if that happens i don't know clicks it it's going it's going it's a good link it's a good link it's a good link it's loading it's loading what is it wow the wi-fi here is not great the wi-fi here is not amazing have you got the login have you got the free login no no no on my, I've got plenty of data. Perfect, yes, give me the hotspot. Okay, perfect. Oh, and it's loading, and it's loading. Oh my God, oh my God. Did you just move recently?

Yes. This is a listing for an apartment that is like in the best complex, and it's fully, the price is down, and it's much lower than it should be. Sorry, I just had a deal for a place move in. I was looking for somewhere to... What? Is it in Crouch Hill? Yes, it is! Wait, is your...

You need to move... Read the description. This flat is for Doug. Are you Doug? Doug? Yes. Oh my god. Well, Doug Douglas. I don't know, is that the same?

No, that's short, yes, that's the same. That's actually a shortened version of the name. So they're very familiar with you. You've never heard of that? Sorry. You didn't know that Doug and Douglas are the same? I had an incredible formal upbringing. Wow.

I think we three have just experienced something. Sorry, I'm getting emotional. That, I'm shaking. That only happens once in a lifetime. And I think we need to do something about it. I think we need to do something about it. I mean, Celeste, I don't want to speak out of turn here, but I think you're the natural leader of the three of us.

Don't say that. I've always been more of a follower. I'm incredibly poor in decision-making times. I hate public speaking. I hate people looking at me. I think you have that energy about you. Yeah. Well, and you didn't even know that Doug was short for Douglas,

so you're out. Yes, that's very much it. I'll hold my hands up. I will hold my hands up there. But Celeste, please, this feels like a sign. Do we go? I think we need to ask the barista what they know first. Okay, right.

Just to confirm, because clearly they have something in them that's unlike anything I've ever experienced. Excuse me, coffee maker, coffee maker, I never got your name. Ah, good eye. Coffee maker, what got your name uh good eye coffee maker what is your name oh great one all knowing all seeing what is your name uh there's a few of us back here uh who's the one that made our three drinks um i think you so you were the cappuccino yes i made that i think toby made the flat white i was there an issue with the drinks i'm sorry we can remake them it's all of you right yeah no that's kind of how we work here it's kind of you know we don't do the like assigned roles it's kind of

a fluid thing like you guys you guys this is bigger than we thought sure there is a kind of hive mind with this group that um it kind of transcends space and time i don't really know what the next step is right now because i'm almost like in awe cut back to the guys behind the teller hey man it's like is everything okay with those guys is everything all right i think so i don't know they're they're acting really yeah the guy is it the cross guy it is it's the cross guy i accidentally put two percent instead of whole in the cappuccino? I don't know. I hope that she's not mad about that. That's cool, man.

That happens all the time. They're kind of clogging the pickup. I'm going to say something. Hey, excuse me, guys. Yes, sir. Yes. They all get on their knees. Yes. Yes.

Yes. If there wasn't an issue with your drink, I'm just going to ask if you could just move down a little bit because you're just sort of in the pickup area right now and other people need to get their drinks is that okay you're giving this to other people this is like it's not oh my god this is this is it's beautiful the generosity of you guys that you're just giving this gift not just to us but to everyone who wants one sure yeah um man do you want me to like call someone i don't know it's fucking weird because they you know here's the thing they're saying oh so generous so generous none of them left a tip nobody on their knees by the way i was just making someone else's mocha why are they on their knees

yeah that's not cool man it's really not cool they called me great one i think was what they said i don't know i'm pretty uncomfortable with the idea but um do we get the manager or i think yes this feels this feels bigger than any of us have ever experienced okay i'm gonna this kind of experience feels very large i'll go down to the cellar i'll get him he's always in the cellar Celeste Drink it Don't drink it No don't drink it Leave it Do we drink it?

No leave it Do we like inherit Some kind of power I'm sweating I'm sweating bullets Do we inherit Some kind of power If we drink it

Or do we just leave it The manager The foam is starting to Like just seep Into the rest of the coffee So stone cold At this point You guys might want to drink those.

Those are, those are probably going to get cold pretty soon. We should drink it, is what you're saying. Yeah. I mean, it's going to get cold. You're probably not,

it's not going to be as good. You know, it's like the, once the milk reaches a certain temperature, you know, the sugar is caramelized. What I'm saying is that it's not going to be as powerful if we drink it cold. So if we drink it hot,

it's all going to happen. Do you guys want to talk to the manager? Are we allowed to? Yeah, I just got him from the cellar. He's just making his way up. He's a little creaky. Doug, I think you take this one because the most humble

shall be the one most rewarded is what everyone at this coffee shop says. That's what the beans spelled out. If you look closely, you can see the message. Sir. Yes. Sir. Yes. Sir.

My name is Douglas Grunt. Hello, Mr. Grunt. I have traveled a long way to reach you today. I have traveled over many lands, over distant oceans, to reach this blessed monument of coffee and beans. I ask of you, nay, I pray of you, what shall we sip? You are blessed, my son.

You three are blessed. You have the gift. You have the sight. You see things where others do not this is my command to you go forth and see oh my god

thank you thank you so much do we refund them or what do you want us to do? I don't know what that is. Just fucking leave it, man. Sorry. Yeah, no. If you guys, again, like I said earlier, if you just want to move down the line because you are clogging.

They all drink it. Cut to Douglas going to that apartment building to rent a bus. So the person gets stabbed by two teenagers. Ah! Ah! Ah! Oh, he knew what he was doing. Celeste goes to try and get her boyfriend back,

hit by a bus. Oh! Brian, I think. Brian, yeah, Brian. He goes back out to get his cross from the car park and it explodes. Kills him.

It makes the cross explode. The cross was two pieces of really long dynamite stuck together. And he didn't know. Oh my god. And he didn't know? He didn't know. He never realized. Wow. Beautiful.

I have so many questions about the manager of that establishment. What do you mean? I guess. I guess I don't know. I guess you're right. I don't know what I mean. You know, why is he in the cellar? That's where he works.

He works down there. How old is he? Where is he from? Millennia. How does he know so much? Got it. Maybe he has the site. I don't know.

Too many questions. Is he also like kind of doing like the cashing up at the end of the day? Is he doing work? Yeah. I think he sees it as his responsibility. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. He makes a little bit more.

Sure, sure. I have a review if we have time for another one. Go crazy. Okay. This is one in Soho by Piccadilly. This is from Hannah B. Hannah, bet your life you're going to be all right. Hannah, bet your life you're going to be all right. Hannah, bet your life you're going to be all right.

Is that all one word or hyphenated? Yes, her dad was Martin, bet your life you're, and then Susanna, life's going to be all right. Bet your life you are. They shouldn't have got together. They were two rival families. Oh, God. They didn't order it the other way.

So the last name was Life's Gonna Be Alright. Bet Your Life's. It's four stars from Hannah. Bet Your Life's Gonna Be Alright. You may be thinking that everyone has been to Cafe Nero. So what's the point of writing a review about it? Fair point. But go to the Cafe Nero, so what's the point of writing a review about it? Fair point. But go to the Cafe Nero on 1st Street, Soho, and it is a very different experience.

I tend to find myself here when I'm too tired or bored of dancing but not wanting the night to end. Sitting with a cup of coffee at 3 a.m., Soho and Nero is still buzzing with caffeine and people. Starting the night with drinks and chatting, going out and then finishing it in the same way seems perfect to me. There really ought to be more late night coffee shops. Try it. I'm just stunned that there's a cafe Nero that's open at 3 a.m. I know! That seems like a big mistake. Just like

mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. And who's going to cafe near at 3 in the morning? It's for the chat. It's for the chat. Just start as we begin. I can imagine there's so many like really like intentional like jazz or beat poetry clubs where they're serving coffee late into the night.

Like you're not going to like the equivalent of a Starbucks to do your late night like thoughts and the only person in there the staff so pissed off that someone's come in wow yes um are you gonna order anything else sir bags under eyes just like black circles on the rise yeah yeah yeah man groovy um can i get a uh panini caprese panini if you've got it caprese panini um our our equipment is actually it shuts off it's on a timer at a certain point So you can get the sandwich but it's not going to be pressed It's not going to be a full panini So it's not a panini is it? No it's a sandwich

Why don't you tell me what I can have You can have the sandwich Right I guess I'll have the sandwich I mean we have other stuff too I'm sorry it's just late So I don't exactly know what the inventory is right now. Alicia.

Alicia. Oh. Hi, Tom. How are you? I'm fine, Tom. What a beautiful evening it is in Soho tonight. Am I right? I heard that.

Hey, sorry, my friend. I don't believe we've met before. How are you? I'm good, man. My name is Flash. Flash, my friend. I don't believe we've met before. How are you? I'm good, man. My name is Flash. Flash, meet Tom. Hey, what's up, Flash? Like the light of my life here said, my name is Tom.

And the light in me respects the light in you, my friend. That's very nice. I see your light. It's bright. Yep, everyone is full of light. It's a knife. Tom, would you like something to go? Oh, what a question.

What are you having, my friend? This one is on me. I live to give. Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no. I got a panini. Tom, I don't know if you can afford that. Your card's been declined

the past three times that you've shown up. No, it's fine. My dad transferred me some money. Okay, got it. My friend, let me get you. It all comes around, goes around in the end. Oh, oh, wait.

I think we're onto something here. Comes around. There's no music. They're both just kind of wiggling. Comes around. Coffee by the pound. Pour me some beans. the queen knows what she means cup

yes oh man you have skills man this is very bad oh my god please stop flailing this is not good poetry or music what can I get for you right now that will get you to leave the shot as soon

as possible? Why don't you give me a story? Pour this man a cup of a tale. We don't have my stories on the menu, but we do have the remnants of a blonde roast

right now we can give you. I'm not going to brew a whole new batch, but we do have a blonde roast. Yeah, I could take a blonde roast. Blonde roast? Great. Alicia, my friend, it's 2am. You don't close for another two hours. What's the rush? The rush is that

I had to pick up some extra shifts today, so I have been here since noon. I'm working 12 hours, probably more. Long day. Yeah. Long nights. And this is making it longer. Long nights, long days and long nights.

Heard that. Yep, loud and clear. So Tom's getting a blonde roast, and what can I get for you, Flash? Flash is having an ice cold panini. No pressing, please. I appreciate that, man. That's my order as well. Sudden third person.

Okay, so two sandwiches then. Two cold paninis. Alicia, do you like to dance? Do you want to come out to the club with us tonight? No, I don't. I want to go home. I want to go home and get into bed because i have the longest day ever and you guys are making it infinitely longer at least

the world this this this city doesn't sleep do you know what i mean the music is alive and the rhythm is here we're feeling it there and we're feeling it here you sing this song every time you come in yep the music is alive we're're feeling it here. The rhythm's there. The rhythm's there. I'll get your sandwiches. And actually, I want to ring everything up right now. So order everything that you're going to have right now. And then we're going to be done with this. All right.

I think I'll be okay with just the panini. If you can get... No coffee? Well, no. I'll have a cappuccino and a groovy beet if you've got one. Cat. Oh, my man Tom has got me a groovy beet. Very nice.

That's nice. So then the cappuccino then. Cappuccino and the sandwich for you. The beets are free, I guess. Yep, you can do that with Tom and you can do it outside Tom so just the blonde roast and again the ice cold panini I'll take it as cold as it comes great that'll be from the fridge

how much is that gonna run me Alicia well who's paying for who it really doesn't matter I'll pay for both no please let me my friend no my friend it's not a crazy map. It's going to be 1775.

Can I split it to two cards? I am approaching my credit limit tonight. Is in the city of Soho where there are no limits. Approaching that credit limit. You can split it to two cards. That's fine. One of them is a Visa gift card. Is that all right?

Yes, that's fine. We'll take a Visa gift card. So how much do you want to put on? Do you want to split it evenly down the middle? Whatever's left on the gift card first. And then you can put it on my MasterCard travel rewards. Weirdly enough, you have five pounds flat on the Visa gift card. Perfect.

So we'll do that, and then we'll do the rest on that. Okay, and get your signature, please. Thank you. Awesome. That's it. So I will bring those up right now. Have fun. I want to leave a tip, but I only have euros.

Is that all right? Hey, brother, tell me, whereabouts in Europe did you travel? I was in Oslo last weekend for a poetry slam. I was at the very same poetry slam as thee. Oh, my, oh, me. Tonight we are going to party, my friend. I'll take the euros. That's fine.

I'll just exchange them. That's fine. I'll take exchange them. Just, that's fine. I'll take euros. Can you break a five? I have a five euro note, but I don't want to give you all of it. You're an asshole. No, I mean. Can I charge my phone here?

Is that okay? Thank you. I also need a charger. If you have a charger, yes, we have outlets. I do not actually believe in electricity, if that's okay. But if you have a charger, yes, we have outlets I do not actually believe in electricity If that's okay, but if you have somewhere What does that mean? How do you charge your phone? Exactly

Right, so it's been dead for a long time Is that a tattoo? Is that a tattoo on your wrist? Yes it is, my friend It's a musical note C sharp Pitch perfect My man is pitch perfect tonight friend. It's a musical note, C sharp. Pitch perfect. My man is pitch perfect tonight. No it wasn't. That was a lot of notes and I don't

think any of them. Alicia, do you like to sing? I don't like anything anymore. I heard that. Capitalism. It happens. It gets you down. Here we go. Here's a blonde roast, here's the cappuccino, and here's two ice cold paninis. Can you cut it in half for me, like mummy used to do?

I don't like eating a sandwich from the outside. I like to eat it from the middle first. If I do that, can I get a five euro note? Yes, I'll give you the whole five euros, my queen. Don't call me that. I will cut it down the middle and there you go. Okay, my bad um i am going down to the cellar where my manager is and uh he'll come and take the rest of the

shift sounds good to me have a good night enjoy your paninis and the coffee. Hey, Alicia. What? Thank you. Yeah, whatever. No, but like, thank you. Yeah, I know. I know, you know what? I know you're really going through it, so it's the least I could do.

Alicia, I want you to really take this in. Okay. Look me in the eyes when I say, Okay. I love you. You're wearing dark, you're wearing dark Ray-Bans, so I can't really see your eyes. I appreciate that. They look great on you, my friend. I love you you're wearing dark you're wearing dark Ray-Bans so I can't really see your eyes

I appreciate that they look great on you my friend I love you that's nice do you love me no I don't I

respect I heard that have a good night I'm sure I'll see you both tomorrow unfortunately every night yep

every night yeah that's you know what, Tom? I've wanted to bring that up with you for a bit. Do you have anywhere else to go? Right now? Yep. What a question.

Got it. I understand. I'm leaving, and my manager will be up if you need anything else. Reaching over, grabbing coins out of the tip jar. Slap your hand. Stop it.

Come on. Oh, come on. Manager. Not anything can happen in Soho. Manager crawls up from the basement. What can you guys need from us? I can see you two friends have love in your eyes. What?

Whoa. What? What? What? Wow, man, you've got some groovy skin. It's wrinkled as fuck. I was going to say the exact same thing. Do you boys want to crash in the cellar?

No, do not offer that. Do not offer that. They seem down on their luck. Tom's already blowing off an air mattress. No, because now I feel like an asshole. Alicia. I'm not the asshole. I appreciate your kindness, my friend.

God damn it. I will not go unrewarded. You can go home early tonight. Thank you. Hey, that Alicia. What's the deal with that Alicia girl? What's she saying? She doesn't like art.

I thought so. She's not enlightened like my two friends, Flash and Tom. We're best friends. Hey, old wrinkly man. Yes. Thank you. Will you guys speak at my wake? I'm so glad you asked.

It's tonight. It's cut to my wake. I'm so glad you asked. It's tonight. It's cuts in the wake. I only knew this wrinkly man for a matter of moments. I heard that. Shortly after I met him. I heard that. But he will always live long

in my heart and in my soul. I wish there were some people here to hear this. Here's a little song we prepared in honor of our fallen friend. Though the road is long, it never ends. You're always going to be my one true friend. Everybody putting me up on your floor, and I wish you could have another copy of Ork.

That one goes out to Alicia. I hope you're feeling flirty tonight. Such a big air horn. Cheer, cheer, cheer. She turns off the lights in the rec center where his piano's being held. I just spat out my water all over myself. I took a drink like you said,

my two best friends, Flash and Tom. Flash and Tom. Those voices were veering wildly for me. Very cool, my friend, very cool. Oh, should we go to our last segment? Let's do it. This should be all week long. You both sounded like fucking synth characters.

Oh, my God. Oh, Ed, what's been shaking your ass? Guys, two words. Box wine. It's changed the way I do things. You classy man. It's changed things. It used to be tacky.

It used to be crass. But now it's, now some of the best wine you're drinking. So what's changed? I think they're just the, you know, the CEOs of Box Corp. They just kind of, of got their act together. They realized that the box wine just had a bit of a bad name and then just

changed it. And taste. The best wine I'm having is in boxes and it lasts because you open a bottle and it's gone. But a box wine, guys, that's... No air's getting in there. Exactly. So are you doing a red or a white i'm doing a red wow it's red for red it's ed's red redemption is what we're going for here

oh wow so what kind of blend you're assuming it's a blend i do a home i do a home brew i do two parts just a red blend. One part tap water. Got it. Oh, beautiful. It's just, I don't know. It's just changed my life. Guys, it's changed it. I'm never going to. Are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah, it's been a tough couple of months since I last came on. Boxed wine changed my life. It's a pretty dark thing to say. What shook me is, guys, guys, boxed wine. Guys, alcohol and narcotics. They're going to take the pain away. Boxed wine, especially.

That's dark. Oh, my God. Riley, what shook you this week? Riley, what shook you this week? You piece of shit. No, come on. I'm just saying you always make me go first. Well, so I know. So we're banking ups right now surprise

everybody um so this up won't come out for a bit um i started a new book and i love it i love love love love love it it's called tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow oh i just started that t it's it's very it's got like it won like 2022 best fiction of the year it's got a lot of accolades and i'm only like 50 something pages in but boys i'm reading it on a kindle and so it's changing the game i know i've talked about a kindle before my what shook me but what's amazing is like i can read this book daniel's asleep lights are out i turn the darkness down on the kindle and i turn the warmth up. So I get the full experience. It is cozy and I can still read my book.

And it's just, I hacked the system. I did. By using a Kindle for its intended purpose, you hacked the system. That's exactly right. By using it as intended. As Bezos exactly wanted you to use it, you're using it. As Daddy Jeff would have wanted it. He's not on the show anymore.

You can't call him that. Okay. But yeah, so that book, which I got as a rec, and the Kindle, which I got, and now I'm a rec because I can't stop thinking about reading it in the dark. Even though it's 9 a.m., you want to read your book, you turn off all the lights, draw the curtains, get under a blanket. That's the onlyam you want to read your book you turn off all the lights draw the curtains get under a blanket that's the only way I want to read if it's not midnight and pitch black then I don't want to even read a page

um Alf what's been shaking you um what's been shaking me this week you had time I know fuck off I finally watched the menu uh oh yeah that riley you know a few weeks ago uh by the time this comes out a couple years ago

riley uh watched the menu and she was really taken with it especially ray finds his performance um he's so hot and i would like to issue a formal apology um to riley anspaugh on the pod for just how rare just i know it is so fucking take it in just how hard i roasted you for like without having seen the film um because like yeah the king julian stuff you know some of your other celebrity crushes you know that's well trod ground but like um you know i think ray fines is genuinely stunning uh a purely sexual entity in that film uh and i and i didn't like the movie let's be clear about something you said you loved it no i the more i thought about it the less you called me today and i'm like you're like i saw the menu i'm like oh what do you think you're like i

loved it yeah i guess here's the thing. Here's what happened. Okay, she's calling me out. She's calling me out. Panic, panic, panic. I think I enjoyed it while I was watching it. I think it has no staying power. I woke up the next morning and I couldn't tell you one thing that happened in it. Interesting.

I felt like it missed the mark in terms of kind of the message of it. And look, Anya Taylor-Joy. But Rave. Leave her alone. Let her do an acting project in her own accent. Stop making that girl do accents. It's not fair. It's hard to do an accent and act at the same time.

Rave can do it. I don't know if Anya can so leave her alone and Nicholas Holt needs to be able to do his own accent as well yeah he he he sounded uh like a cabbie what did you say you no you said what did I say yesterday oh you said fucking someone from guys and dolls what the What the hell was his name? Oh, Nicely Nicely. It is the whole fucking time. That's a great show. Do you think Chef's going to mind if I take a couple pictures of the food? Is that going to be a problem?

And I'm like, shut the fuck up, Nicholas. Just talk. But that's what's so baffling about it to me. It's me, Nicholas Holt. Nicholas Holt. Cheeky Nick, right here. I'm like, Nicholas Holt, Anya Taylor-Joy, Ray Fiennes, none of these people are American.

The movie works exactly the same if they're all just doing their native dialect. So why force them all to do American accents? Speak on it. Speak on it. Have you seen Boiling Point? No. Oh, if you want British people in a kitchen being really British,

there's a film called Boiling Point, and it's Stephen Graham. Love that. He's from Liverpool, so you want like, if you want British people in a kitchen being really British, there's a film called Boiling Point. And it's Stephen Graham. Love that. Who's a, he's from Liverpool. So he's like, he's a chef, but he's, you know, he's like, he's scouting, he's angry and his life's falling apart. But he's got, he's got a, he's got a chopped celery at the same time. And he's like teaching a kid.

And there's, there's moments. Oh, I gotta see it. It's one shot. And it's the most stressful thing you'll ever see. That's beautiful. Sounds like an instant favorite. I mean, I have heard of. It's one shot, and it's the most stressful thing you'll ever see. That's beautiful. Sounds like an instant favorite. Oh, wait, I have heard of this. That sounds great.

And I love chef-based media. I love The Bear on Hulu. Hulu? Yep. Hulu. Doesn't matter, but yes. I want to make sure if I plug it, I plug it right. The Bear is fantastic.

Yeah, they really need some more publicity from our show. Come on, man. Anyway, if Anya Taylor-Joy is listening, I'm sorry that I insulted you. Um, Ed, as always, what a treat. What a treat. Thanks so much for having me. Thank you. This is the highlight of my year.

Oh my god, that's amazing. The boxed wine and that comment put together has me concerned. Um, Ed, where can people find you? You can check me out. And plug anything coming up. You can come check me out

at edjonesuk is the handle on Instagram and TikTok. Lots of silly videos on there. And if you find yourself in London in March, it's my gang Crybabies. We just finished a run of our show, Bagbeard.

Congratulations. Thank you, mate. It was very fun. And we've just been extended into March time. So if you're in London in March, if there's any UK, British listeners out there,

come along. We have a few. We have a few. And we'll be there. 7th to the 11th of March at Soho Theatre. So come along. And we'll see. We'd love to come over to the States and do it at some point. That So come along. And we'd love to come over to the States

and do it at some point. That'd be amazing. Come to Chicago. I'm going to be in London in the fall. Oh, yeah. Will you remount the show just for me to watch? Yeah, that's what we'll do. We'll go to the middle of Trafalgar Square.

We'll go to the fountains and we'll kind of do it like Friends style. And what I love about that is that it's so peaceful there and very empty. So it's just gonna be like very easy yeah and will you guys um would you mind remounting it for my wake yeah i mean it's it's a kind of it's an all-in-one uh package you know what i mean so so we'll do wakes we'll do uh sweet 16s we'll do bar mitzvahs bat mitzvahs it's uh wow it's it's a perennial show it's mostly coming of age ceremonies and that's kind of it funerals oh you can find alfred on instagram at alfred in it um you can find the show on instagram at

review review reddit r slash review review and Discord. Hashtag Review Review on the HeadGum Discord. And you can find Riley and Spa on Instagram.com only the website not on your phone at Riley and Spa and on Twitter.com

for as long as it lasts at Riley Coyote. And as we say every week. Every single week. On the show. Yep. Papa.

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