Review Revue - Capris Pants (w/ Alfred Bardwell-Evans!)

Episode Date: November 29, 2022

After a long leave of absence, Geoff and Reilly are once again joined by the fan favorite Alfred Bardwell-Evans as they open their relationship, hide their Amazon history, and more!  Follow at: IG: @reillyanspaugh & @geoffreyjames Twitter: @reilecoyote & @GeoffBoyardee <><> Produced by Daniel Ramos @Schubirds Advertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fm  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Get the Angel Reef Special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. And participating restaurants for a limited time. This is a HeadGum Original. To listen or not to listen, that is the question.

Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of Geoffrey James, or to take arms against a sea of anspot and by opposing, end it. To change podcasts? To listen no more? And by not listening to say we end the heartache and thousand natural shocks that eardrums are heir to? Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished to change podcasts? To not listen? To not listen perchance to hear? Ay, there's the rub. For in that lack of review-review,

what random show may come when we have shuffled our podcast app must give us pause. There's the respect that makes calamity of being a listener. For who would bear the whips and scorns of loose rice in a bag? Jeffrey's moans, the proud

Riley's contumely, the pains of what shook me, the Patreon cameos delay, the insolence of Marty and the new office, the spurns that patient Denton of the unworthy Trenton takes when he himself might his quietus make with bare pottery for mother? Who would fartles bear to listen and enjoy under a weary life but that the dread of some other podcast

the undiscovered country from whose record no listener returns puzzles the will and makes us rather bear Jeff and Riley than listen to some other pair of LA or New York based 20-something comedians that we know not of. Thus conscious doth make cowards of us all, and thus the native hue of resolution is sicklied o'er with the pale skin of chronically online podcasts and comedy shows of great pith and moment. With this regard, the listeners turn awry and lose the chance to hear review review

he sort of made the whole thing about himself. Well, the whole thing being kind of like a really, really existential crisis of like, do I kill myself or do I stay alive and suffer? But like in suffering, that's still being alive. Or do I just end it all? And he's kind of turned that into do I listen to this show or not? It is sort of a matter of life or death i didn't want to say it before i've wanted to say it every episode it's so easy to not listen to this show there's nothing easier than to not listen to this show i second i know but i'm saying what's that i said i second that that's when you chime in look okay this is something i want to bring up um i listened to the george uh episode the margarita bell episode from a couple weeks ago one or two two two two

two um you think i'm gonna scroll back that far and uh okay super fan you're obsessed and i was like you guys roasted him for not speaking quick enough in the intro which is what you did to me on my first episode too and i was just like observing there and there wasn't a moment where i could have possibly chimed in and said something and still the moment i choose to speak it's like oh now we talk and i just want to say i think you guys have a skewed image of how easy it is to get a fucking wording edgewise in the first 30 seconds of this show. That George nor I deserves this amount of like ire from you. I'm back by popular demand already. It's in three weeks.

Maybe our fastest repeat guest ever. And I am fast. And I am on like two weeks in a row. Oh, maybe. But, I mean, listen, everyone loves Daniel, but no one has become a fan favorite faster than this fuck. Woo! No, that's why you don't say it.

You can think it, but you can't say it because it gets confident. Alfred Yee Doggy. Barfwell Evans. What was that? I you don't say it. You can think it, but you can't say it because it gets confident. Alfred Yee Doggy. Barfwell Evans. What was that? I said Yee Doggy. Are you trying to start like a catchphrase? Like you're trying to create merchandising opportunities? Look, if someone wants to make a shirt with my face on it that says Yee Doggy, I'm not

going to complain. So you're not even going to profit from it or design it? I think that I just want to give back. You know what I mean? You just want to see it on the street and just kind of nod. Exactly. I don't need money. I'm fine.

You don't need money? No, I'm totally good. That's not what you told me last week, brother. Oh, come on. I just want to see my face in the world and my phrase. Your phrase, ye dogey? Ye dogey, yeah. I took that to mean F-R-A-y-s like you were like i want to show

people my rougher side oh i meant f-r-a-i-s-e the french word for strawberry actually yeah i just want to show people my fruit um before we started recording well so alf has been drinking uh a little dunkin donuts um but um i alf and i alf we had a call the other day as we're want to do i probably talked to alf on the phone more than i talked to anyone else on the phone ever um alf kind of let me in on a little just a little like insight about his life and i would love for you i just want to see jeff's reaction to what you told me about your coffee sure um so i go to duncan donuts at least seven times a week um and when duncan rolled out an update in the app about two years ago now um they allowed you the opportunity to name your like frequent orders but you couldn't name it just like like something you wanted to call it like i couldn't just call it like my order for

mondays i have to use like a pre-curated list that duncan has And so I chose to name my normal order, medium iced coffee, cream only, my yumminess. And I didn't come up with that. Duncan came up with that. Duncan said, would you like to name this my yumminess?

And so every day I go into the app and I say, well, my yumminess, please. And I walk over and i get it my yumminess yeah what's wrong with my when you go when you go pick it up do you have to be like do you have to say like oh i'm picking up my yumminess? No, I say, where's pop?

Yeah, I say, where's pop pop num num? Okay, got it. Where's Daddy O's yummy yummy? Like, no, I just walk in and I grab it. That's the thing. It would be so easy to steal coffee from this Dunkin' Donuts. They just sort of throw it out on the counter and I walk in and I grab it. Anybody could take my coffee.

But they don't that's actually good to know what area of chicago are you in i'm not i will not be revealing that information oh he doesn't want anyone to take his yumminess it's like my yumminess is highly coveted and i don't i will say that this is the second episode you've been on yeah the other one you also kind of started talking about dunkin donuts i'm pretty sure to be fair i made him bring up yeah i didn't didn't want to talk about this. Riley forced me to. Put a gun to my head and said, talk about your yumminess.

So here we are. What are you sipping on, huh? This is really, really oversteeped tea. Oh, iced? Yeah. It looks like coffee. It is so oversteeped. It looks like cold brew. I thought it was cold brew. It looks like coffee. It is so oversteeped. It looks like cold brew.

I thought it was cold brew. It is cold brew. It is ultimately cold brew. I call that... Land it. Come on. I call that daddy's bean juice. Daddy's bean juice.

All right. Stuck the landing. Not really. Today's my last day of COVID quarantine. I just got to put that out there right now. In case you rebound, though. Shut the fuck up. If you think I'm not thinking about that every minute of the day.

I woke up because it's a little chilly and it's a little dry in our room. I woke up, like, congested. And I'm fine now, but I'm like, it's back. It's back. And Daniel's like, remember how last night you said you'd give it a couple hours? Like if you felt like that and then you wait a couple hours. I'm like, I was a different person when I said that. And he's like, I believe that.

So I gave it. It's been an hour since I said that. And I'm totally fine. But now that you've had it. Yeah. Do you. Does it make you wish that you'd gotten vaccinated? Like now that you'd gotten vaccinated? That's a really good question.

Or are you like, hey, I had it and it was basically not that bad. So it's fine that I didn't get vaccinated. No, here's the thing. If this is your first. Okay, I was going to say, if you're listening to the show for the first time. If this is your first episode, that's crazy. But I don't want anyone to be confused i have been four times vaxxed alfred is the one who's an anti-vaxxer no no alfred

hates actually yesterday alf got or two days ago alf got his flu shot and his vaccine but he got the vaccine in his right arm like a dumbass and you you're right-handed. Yeah, well, it was a very quick decision. She was like, you're getting flu and vax for COVID. We need to put them in different arms so that if you're violently allergic, we can tell which one. I was like, I don't think I'm going to be allergic. I've never been allergic to anything in my life, but fine. Nice.

I know, not to brag. And then she was like, which one do you want it in? And I was like, I don don't know i guess flew in the left and every person i've told that to has immediately gone nope idiot i could have told you that never do covet in the right you always do covet in the left i'm like who how has everybody else thought like really long and hard about this except me i will say that when i got mine uh they were like, which one do you want in which arm?

And I was like, well, which one? What do you recommend? And they were like, well, are you right-handed or left-handed? And I said, right-handed. They were like, then put it in your left. So you could have asked any question. But it's because you got two,

they didn't want to put both in the same arm. Exactly. But still, I don't know. Here's what else I think is important information. You made the wrong choice. Like, ultimately what else i think is important information i made the wrong choice like ultimately that was your own fault you made the wrong choice i walked up to the window at the walgreens okay and i said to the person she was like how do you help and i was like oh i'm just uh i was just wondering if i could get like a walk-in like a vaccination and she like

goes kind of like not like pale but like she like looks really like kind of like put off like oh i was not expecting you to say that she turns around she goes to like the senior pharmacist in like the lab coat and she just goes can i give this guy a vaccine and he's like yeah yeah yeah absolutely we're doing well and i think what she meant like, are we doing walk-ins right now? But the way she said it, I was really like, I am about to get a vaccine. Did I? From someone who's never been trained. She's never done it before.

And I'm not sure it's real. But that was still preferable to my last vax experience. Is it cool if I give this guy a vaccine? Does it make sense for me to just do it? Am I allowed to do this is it okay for me to go ahead and give this guy an injection in his arm i might be bad i might be bad at this i first thought i thought it was like can i get him a vaccine and he like takes a look yeah i thought it was a discerning eye i don't. It looks a little peaky.

You think I look sick? Peachy. Yeah, I think you always look sick. Oh. Like, ah, sick. Like kind of like a skater. Nope, not like that. No, like you look like you have cholera.

Uh-oh. I was going to say anemia, but. Cholera. That too. I hardly know her. Guys, we're not here to talk about cholera. I know, Alfie, you're obsessed with talking about it. You're literally obsessed with cholera. Guys, we're not here to talk about cholera. I know, Alfie, you're obsessed with talking about it. You're literally obsessed with cholera. But that's not why we're here today.

Cholera ID. We're here to talk about something. That's what they call it when you get a test. They say, we got to give this guy some cholera ID. Hello? No, we're here. You can see us. Oh, I thought it was quiet in here, though.

I thought it got quiet. Yeah though i thought it got quiet yeah it was a little quiet yeah you thought it was what it was you were experiencing silence and then said i thought it was kind of quiet in here i don't know you said hello on a zoom call we're not frozen you you're smiling but i don't know if it's joy i fear mostly yeah we're talking speaking of fear capri pants overwhelming sensation is fear we're talking about capri pants um everyone's been clamoring for us to talk about it can i just say since we started the pod people were like review capri pants capris capri pants it's been like all we've heard and so we thought you know what for the 166th episode let's do capri pants

let's do capri pants it makes sense um boys i'm gonna need you to talk to me about capris alfred are you often in culottes um david sedaris style? I really try as a rule to keep it either firmly above the knee or below the knee. And how consciously are you thinking about that on a daily basis? I don't find that, you know, dressing like a jockey for a man of my stature is flattering um so i think if i when i wear capris historically any kind of you know short-legged pant um i look like a giant child i look like a newsy i look ridiculous it's not they're not for me they're for the david sudaris it's like you don't want to see hodor wearing a fucking pair of capris so you know i tend to keep it i wear short shorts and i wear long longs you know you don't want to see hodor it's true be so alarming for people who don't know how tall you are how tall are you i? I'm 6'1", so very much kind of tall,

but not crazy tall. But I love how you're describing yourself. You're like, I'm towering. I am the biggest person you've ever seen. I am 6'1". I think it's a forced perspective. I don't know. I think I come across as a lot taller than 6'1".

I think that's true. I think people genuinely ballpark it at 6'3", most of the time. That's cool. Yeah, it is pretty cool. How tall are you? I'm 6'1". But people probably undershoot. Yeah, right.

Okay, so it's probably like people think you're like... Everyone thinks I'm shorter than that. No, I think you're tall. I mean, then again, I'm significantly shorter than both of you. But, Alf, to me, you are a giant man. Sort of Hodor. It's sort of a Hodor type to me. This guy's desperate to come across like Hodor.

Yeah. Jeff, have you ever donned, well, capris? I did three quarter pants when I played soccer as a goalkeeper for the knees. I was a keeper. Were you? Well, you mean your brother's keeper. Well, I kept him safe. You played lawn quidditch. You were a keeper.

Come on. No, I'm trying to relate to him for real. I really did. I was a goalkeeper. I really think that I was a keeper. If I search in my mind, I think I remember being a goalkeeper. You played Quidditch at the College of Worcester. No, at Boston University.

I did not play Quidditch. You're obsessed with Quidditch. My freshman year roommate played Quidditch. And one time he went to the Quidditch National Finals in Florida, in like Miami. But he didn't tell me. How did he get in Miami? He didn't tell me. He just left.

I wouldn't tell anyone that. And so I was in the room and I was like, I haven't seen him in a few days. And then a friend of mine came into the room and was like, hey, man, none of your roommate's stuff has, like, moved for, like, three days. And I was like, oh, I should probably notice that. And I texted him, and I was like, hey, you dead? Alfred! But he wasn't. He was just playing Quidditch in Miami.

Here's the thing. If you text, hey, you dead, to somebody who is dead, you're a suspect. Incriminating as hell. You're just kind of double checking your work. I loved a capri pant when I was probably between the ages of 9 and 12. I would say I wore a few capri pants in my day. Your style was bad. My style was terrible, Jeffrey.

I loved a fedora. I had like a Roxy brand fedora. I would wear capri pants. It was really tough for me. I was about to say you loved a shirt that like was almost sleeveless, but technically had sleeves. But you're kind of wearing that right now. This is a short sleeve shirt. They're so short on the sleeves.

This is, I got this shirt for $2 in a thrift store in Chicago. Give me a fucking break. Shout out. I know, but I want to see and spa in like a baggy vintage thing you know that's like 80 of what i wear not vintage necessarily but it's like the amount of like baggy band shirts that i wear that's true that's like fighting i guess i mean today right now today's laundry day it's the first thing I said when we started the zoom

because I've had covid literally my laundry is overflowing I don't have any other shirts to wear it doesn't fucking matter we're gonna talk about capri pants right now who wants to start do we need to take a break I'm pissed and this is not the energy that I wanted going

into this episode let's get you into a parka let's take a break let's get you i'll do what i like let's see alfred in a tracksuit man do we need to take a break or can we just fucking get into it right now i think i'm gonna go no al Alfred you stay Yes ma'am Holy shit Are we breaking or what? Let's take a break Fine We were on a break

Shut up We're back. So why did we take the break if you're still mad? We took a break because we need to get paid. That's true. And you're not even happy about that, though. Well, here's the thing. It's like, I'm happy about that.

But then I remembered that you came for my outfit today. And that's why I'm mad. You didn't even talk about your capri pants experience. I said I wore them all the time. I fucking loved them. I thought they were the height of fashion. Here's the thing. You would do a capri length legging under like a dress. And that was like it.

At the time, it was like what like 2008 it's like the dresses over leggings everything honey it was everything so i'd have a capri it was less like i didn't have i did probably have like a pair of cargo capris but it was very much like no dude it was tough it was very much like capri length leggings were it for me um let's talk trauma um absolutely uh what what percentage of your guys's trauma comes from the fact that you either wore or knew of capris 90 capris oh interesting i was gonna say none of Capri's? 90. Capri's? Oh, interesting. I was going to say none because they honestly made me who I am today. And that's not

informed by trauma? I don't know her. I don't know her. I think we should kick into a review because I actually feel great about Capri's. Okay.

I've never been sad, which I think is like awesome. You are sad most of the time i've never i think what's cool about me is that it's like i don't even know what anxiety feels like it's like people talk about all the time it's like we read the better help ads and i'm just like damn that must suck to feel that way you should drink more coffee that might help you feel some anxiety huh who wants to kick us off

sorry I'm hostile we're both like yeah I came for your sleeves but you yelled at us yelled at me and I didn't say shit I was just here like you're here exactly this is two stars from joy in Michigan I was just here. No, but like, you're here. Exactly. I could do anything right. This is two stars from Joy in Michigan. What kind of capris? What's the brand?

Lands End. Lands End? Lands End capris. Are they leggings or pants? They're high rise elastic waist pull on capris. They look so bad from joy

they come in the worst color they come in is rich camel which is like a brown nude I'm gonna start describing my skin color as rich camel wait Alf can we get a last name for joy

um skin color color is rich camel wait alf can we get a last name for joy um behar joy behar two stars two stars nothing petite about them crotch depth way too deep. Very soupy fit. I ordered three in different colors, sent them all back. Not just Land's End, but nearly all sites list items as petite when they are only short-legged. Soupy fit? I have to screen share. Soupy fit. I have to screen share. Soupy fit. Jeff, you need to send me a screen.

Oh, God. We need to put that on the Instagram. You need to send me a screenshot of that. This is awful. That's really, really bad. That's one of the worst things I've ever seen. Soupy fit. It's a first looks on a wedding day.

Oh. What do you think? Oh my god, it's been the hardest secret to keep for five months. I've had this dress in the closet. I've been looking at it every day, just thinking about your face in this minute right now. I would have also not talked about this. What?

I'm so glad you kept it a secret. Well, yeah, just because, you know you know it's like it's tradition bad luck if you see me in it before today you know has to be bad luck to see it too sorry nothing let's just take the pictures yeah let's talk let's talk about you man what did you say your name was again i'm g Greg. Greg. Let's talk about your life. Adam, I love you. Can you look at me at least? Can you look me in the eyes? You're just staring at the ground. I'll look you in the eyes. I'll look in your beautiful eyes. Oh, thank you. Hey brother, can we get one where you're smiling? Yeah. You look pretty

miserable in every pic i've taken i want one that's usable for her miserable for me this is for both of us yeah sure um i can smile can we like can you tell me when you're about to take the photo so i can smile sure i'm about sorry greg i'm so sorry can we all stop for a second? Sure. I feel like I'm out of the loop. What happened? Honey, you just like 10 minutes ago. I mean, it's our wedding day. We're getting married in two hours.

This is one of those exciting. Yeah. So I don't understand. Did I miss something, Greg? Did something happen before I walked out here? I think you might have missed the tailoring session. Excuse me? Nothing. Let's just say. Excuse me? Nothing.

Let's just say cheese, right? No, I don't want to say cheese. No, Greg, you don't have to say cheese. You're taking the photo. No, Greg, don't take the photo right now. I'm talking and I'm upset. What happened? Are you mad at me?

Did I do something wrong? No, why would I be mad? I'm a photographer. Greg, I'm not talking to you, Greg. I'm talking to my fiance, my husband-to-be. But are you mad at me did i do something wrong no why would i be mad i'm a photographer i'm not talking to you greg i'm talking to my fiance my husband to be sorry but are you mad greg no i don't yeah a little why are you mad catering at this wedding is bullshit greg okay easy man sorry it's true that's my cousin my cousin's the caterer it's also pretty expensive and they are a pretty popular chef in the area like what don't you like about the caterer it's also pretty expensive and they are a pretty popular chef in the area like what don't you like about the catering is it just that it's not the food you

like or is it the quality of food it's not the food i like what do you like well no sushi call it sushi no zach we didn't we didn't cater this for greg i don't care sorry greg no offense i don't care what you like no family discount for? We didn't care that it was for you. You said it was expensive and they're your cousin. That's actually none of your business. That's none of your business, Greg. Kind of messed up for your cousin to charge you full price, all I'm saying. I agree. We make like $200,000 a year, so we have the money.

That's average. What? I said, yeah, that's a reasonable living. We're in the 1%. I've never described myself that way but yeah and i'm and i'm above that and that's fine like we all just make different amounts of money i'm not trying to like one-up you greg that's fine i'm so happy that you have such a lucrative wedding photography business but i this is actually getting way off track. Yeah, for sure. Anything. Anything but to talk about the dress. Okay, great.

So that's what it is. What is wrong? What is wrong? Why are you so upset? Greg, in a word, we're talking about food. Greg into this. How would you describe the fit of her dress with a word? You know, I've seen a lot of wedding dresses. Yeah.

This one is pretty... Stew-y. I'm sorry? It reminds me of stew. Of stew? Yeah, like... My custom Vera Wang gown reminds you of stew.

I just don't buy that it's custom. I'm also a little frustrated because of how much money we spent on the dress. How much? Greg, none of this. You don't. You should not know any of our finances. Greg, we paid you to be here and take photos. It was like $10,000.

Oh, my God. Zach, are you kidding me? Custom Vera Wang. That's pretty. You got a steal. here and take photos it was like ten thousand dollars oh my god zach are you kidding me guys you gotta i'm sorry honey but i feel closer to greg right now because we're getting married in two hours okay i'm sorry i i don't use this language lightly but screw you guys i think i look like a beautiful princess in this dress and i'm sorry you look like a clam chowder the dress is chunky it's thick it's like it just it's like humid the dress is humid i don't know what else to say the dress is humid

yeah something about it makes me feel like i'm in a swamp i hate it it's ugly um if i were you i would have probably asked for a refund months ago um what's what's making me feel far from you for me yeah is that you said that you've been looking forward to this you know what i mean like you've been trying the dress on visualizing how it would go of course i don't know how you thought it would go any different i well when i went with with my girlfriends and my mom everyone when i when I had the final fitting, they all said, when I said, do you like it? They all said yeah. Cut to the final fitting. Oh! What do you guys think? Oh! Do we love it?

Yeah! Oh, my gorgeous girl is going to get married in this. Cut back. They couldn't have been more excited for me. Then you need different friends. I don't know what else to say. New mom, too. That feels like a prank.

New mom? Greg, shut it Listen, hey Greg knows what I'm talking about Listen up right now Do you still want to marry me in two hours? That is what this is down. Are you serious? You don't want to marry me anymore I want I want to postpone this whole the shabazz like a week so that you can get that dress changed we can't postpone it a week we have had all of our friends fly out to monte carlo

for our destination wedding and you're telling me to postpone it because you don't like how i look in this dress i just have always pictured my wedding day and it didn't feel like this that is absurd greg what do you have something to say do you guys mind yeah do you would you would you mind if i took a stab at it yeah made some alterations no you are not touching my dress i'm just saying i've been to a lot of weddings i've seen a lot of dresses i photographed many a dress i think think I can clean this up. Zach, would you be happy if... Yes. Okay, fine. Ben, you know what, Greg, our wedding photographer, touch it.

I don't give a shit. I hate this dress now. My memory of this day is going to be terrible. Well, we haven't even started. The wedding's going to be great. I've been up since four. I was in hair and makeup for three hours. Then I had breakfast.

Now I'm down here. The makeup is great. I'm sure the breakfast was great. It's the dress. I thought the breakfast was great. Greg, just do whatever. I honestly don't even want to be here anymore. Okay.

What was wrong with the breakfast? Do you want a sushi for breakfast also? It was all cooked. Not even a little bit of it was seafood. Okay. Let me work on this dress, okay? A little off the top. Greg, what's your normal breakfast?

A Pokeball. A little bit off the top. Stop taking all of it off the top. A little in the middle. Go take that away. All this tulle. We got to get this out of here. Okay.

You're working so fast. Okay, okay. Yeah. It's a cocktail dress now. Okay, okay. Yeah. It's a cocktail dress now. It looks fierce. Great. Well, as long as Greg thinks it looks fierce. What do you think, Zach?

It looks better. Do you want to take a pretty stewie? I don't want to be married to you anymore. Because of this? Yes, because of this. Wow. I am going back to the room. I'm going to drink two entire bottles of champagne.

That's too much. You can tell. You're going to be gassy. I don't give a shit. You're going to be gassy. You can tell our friends and family that it's not happening anymore. Greg, thank you so much for your work. I hope you two have a wonderful day together.

Eat all the seafood you want. I'm done. I'm out. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. One more thing. One more thing. What? Can I just try one more thing to together. Eat all the seafood you want. I'm done. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. One more thing. One more thing. What? Can I just try one more thing to make the dress right?

Nothing you do is going to change how I feel. One more shot, please. Fine. Do it in five seconds. Whips out a pair of Capri leggings. Just wear this under the dress. It'll look so good. Nobody gets married in Capris.

That could be kind of fun. It's like a costume wedding. I start glowing. I get hard. Photo, photo, photo, photo. It's amazing. Hey, what can I say? I've been to a lot of weddings. Cocktail wedding

dress over Capri leggings. See, cut to just like browsing on Greg's like wedding photography website all the guys are hard all the women are in Capris alright who wants to go next fuckers Alfred before we get into our next review can I ask sure how many people have you fucked

not this again we're not doing this again well i never got the answer okay financially dozens i've ruined people's lives um and then sexually. Psychosexually? Doesn't. Not psychosexually. So what I'm gathering is you're a bad guy. Yeah. I mean, I... Yeah. I like...

That's actually... That was me doing Alfred, by the way. You're a bad guy. That was good. Yeah. Oh, do you want to hear me do Jeff? Yeah. Jorts. I don't fucking know like some bullshit man okay this is me doing alfred okay fun uh let me put some

peppers on this hot dog because i'm from chicago yeah okay this is me doing jeff um okay uh can i uh could i could i go can i go surfing with that i'm not from california i'm not from chicago i just live here i i hate this okay this is me doing Alfred. Okay. Wow. It's the beam. Okay, sure. Sure. Do you want to hear me do Jeff?

Yeah. Okay. I've got an addiction, and the only cure is more surfing. Did you like that? Was that pretty good? That was really good. Okay, this is me doing Riley. Oh my god, I'm looking for my review. Sleeves longer than half an inch?

No thank you. This is me doing Riley. That's good, yeah, let's not immediately. Sleeves longer than half an inch. No, thank you. This is me doing Riley. That's good. Yeah, let's hear it. COVID vaccine. I have a review for Hanes women's French Terry Capri sweatpants. This is five stars. From IL Girl Dad.

So we can just give this person a name. No, no, no. That's their name. Okay, it's Ilana Leanne Girl Dad. Okay, five stars. The title is Illinois Son-in-law done good. Hell yeah, shout out Illinois. Looking out for all the beautiful women in your life? Looking for something your incredible mother-in-law can wear for spending quality time lounging around as a family on the weekends?

These will work just fine. Purchase as a gift just because. I did. Still waiting for my trophy. Uh, honey, do you want to, hey, come in the kitchen really quick, honey. I got a little, uh, got a little surprise. Okay, sure.

Bop! Capri Sweatpants just for you. Oh, holy shit Hello I've been asking for these for years And no one's ever got Oh, you're so thoughtful Oh, yeah, I just figured, you know

Just a little treat for my little sweet It's not a big deal, actually Now that I think about it No, this is a huge deal. No one ever listens. I'm always dropping hints about, like, you know, last time we were all lounging around with the family. I was like, I wish I had something more comfortable than these starchy capris. So it's just like, you know, I actually got you a little something, too.

Oh, whoa. This is, this is honest. I wasn't expecting a gift exchange. I just figured I'd do something nice for you. So you really didn't have to get me anything. Well, great minds. I wasn't expecting a gift exchange. I just figured I'd do something nice for you. So you really didn't have to get me anything. Well, great minds. I wasn't expecting this either. I thought I was just getting you something.

So this is really kind of exciting. Well, give it here, Malfoy. Watched Harry Potter with the boys last night. Oh. Good time. God, the boys love that film. I don't like it. Bitchcraft, but here you go it's a trophy

best husband of the year award it's for you oh honey that's that's so sweet it's like the ones you get in the airport ah that's really nice that's really something um well thank you thank you listen I don't do this to get any kind of trophy or anything I just do it because I love you I hope you don't think that I'm just doing it to get something back can we stop I said let's role play

your guys' last argument and I feel like you guys are on your best behavior in front of me because I'm your therapist and you haven't even gotten into the issue which is that you guys have been defrauding each other so that's obviously a point of tension that we need to talk about i don't think that this happened the way that you're acting it out does that make sense um okay that's interesting i mean i don't know why you would accuse me of lying in therapy but i guess if i cast my mind back like sure maybe it was a little bit more fraught than we're making it cut to how it actually happened. Linda, in the kitchen, now.

No, come on. Don't pull that shy little lamb routine with me again. I got something for you. Okay. What is it? I throw an Amazon package at you, but it's like the kind that's just wrapped in plastic. Here. Oh, no.

It didn't hurt you. Come on. Not with that again. It didn't hurt me, but it surprised me. Let me tear into this. It's a present. You can be happy. I'm just like, this isn't how I wanted a present. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't give you a present in the right way.

Thank you for apologizing. No, that wasn't a real apology. Get back to therapy. So as you can see, she never actually gave me the best husband of the year trophy. She got mad that I gave her capris in a way that she didn't like. Well, you didn't let us finish the roleplay, Bobby. No, our therapist cut us off. Can we, doctor, can we show you the rest?

I am not a doctor It just makes me more comfortable You keep calling me that I think Linda will be much more comfortable and happy if we finish the roleplay Thank you Linda, you haven't had a lot of space in this session How are you feeling in this moment? I feel kind

of like when bobby threw the package at me i feel throw a package at you i was the package heavy no it was a pair of capris i mean it you know it barely weighed anything but you know it was the surprise and i guess i feel blindsided by this whole session well what did you sorry now what did you expect this is you guys signed up for this i'm sorry to be accusatory yeah what blindside are you on his side i'm not on his side uh famously he's not on anybody's side that's how couples therapy works linda linda if anything i'm on your side thank you see i thought that this was gonna be like a birthday bash what you got me the capris was a birthday gift i got you the capris just as a nice thing to do. But Linda, do you think that anytime someone gives you a gift, it's your birthday?

Yeah. It's for my birthday. Linda, your birthday is in July. It is November. But sometimes you have to celebrate early or late if people are busy on your actual day. Doctor, can you see where the issue is with us? I can't. You've never-

You're the only couple that I don't understand what's happening. Doctor, you've never had a party a week or two early because it's like people are busy on your actual birthday? I have celebrated my birthday not on my birthday. What you're describing is your partner gave you a gift several months after your birthday. And then in the moment you thought that that was your birthday celebration. And then now several days after the birthday gift, you're in therapy, which you thought was going to be a continuation of the birthday celebration.

I've never even heard of that. Well, you've summed it up pretty well. I mean, that's how I feel. And I think i'm justified in that um can i ask you guys how's just because it's an important part of any relationship and oftentimes when there's not i know what you're gonna say we all know where you're going i know where you're going it's often how is the sex we go at it like animals doctor that is not the issue we are feral in the bedroom bobby please linda um how to put it bobby makes me feel degrees of ecstasy um that i didn't know it was capable

for a human to feel uh the pure erotic energy that that man exudes you know I can barely keep my capri pants on so there's certainly no issue there okay and we're always open if you're interested no I don't like him really no I mean he's sitting here telling us he doesn't understand

us when then said why are we paying you, man? I'm going to try and figure it out. Also, that was never on the table. But thanks for saying that. Well, I put it on the table. It was on the table. I put it on the table. It's, yeah.

All right. If you're into it, I'm just saying. You never asked my opinion, Linda. Which is a common theme, doctor, if you want to write that down on your notepad. She never asked me anything. It sounds like you guys have explosive sex and nothing else in common. I love Harry Potter. She does

not. Yeah, doesn't like wizardry or whatever. She doesn't like witchcraft. It's offensive to her. And I love studying the word and, you know, he loves Lord of the Rings, you know? Okay, I'm going to shout out a series of things.

I'm going to be like, food, music, that kind of thing. And you guys say what you like, what your taste is in that. And we'll see if any of them are commonalities or if they're all just polar opposites. All right, music. Hallelujah, Leonard Cohen. Metal. Okay. That's the kind of music you like, Linda. Hallelujah, Leonard Cohen. Metal.

Okay. That's the kind of music you like, Linda. You only like the song Hallelujah, sung by Leonard Cohen. Well, you know, written, a lot of covers of it. You'd be surprised how much mileage you can get out of one song when it's been covered a hundred times. Do the next thing. Food. Pasta.

Give me just load up those carbs. I like spinach. Spinach? Sorry. I don't know what happened. I meant spinach. All right.

Home decor. Maximalist. I'm kind of a crazy guy. I like eggshell walls. Okay. Time with family. The most important part of the day. Every day.

The most important part of the day. Every day. The most important part of the day. Every day. There we go. I'm sorry for tearing up. It's just like, it's pretty powerful when you agree on something with the one you love. And then, so how do you guys each define time with family? You know, is it like quality time, like maybe doing something that you guys like together,

cooking or something, or is it like something else? Hot tub? See, this is where we kind of have a little impasse because I really like making a meal together, maybe watching a movie, maybe we'll go to the aquarium or something. And Linda only wants to spend family time when we all hot tub together.

I think it's nice, Bobby. I know you think it's nice. You think it's so nice that that's all you want to do every day with our sons and me. And we don't want to be in the hot tub every day. I also don't think it's good for our six-year-old to be in a hot tub every day oh come on when i was his age i was spending three four hours a day in the tub okay he can handle an hour or two

doctor do you think we're gonna make it i really want your honest opinion because i know you are one of the most expensive sought after couples counselors in the tri-state area it's really not my place to make judgment calls like that it's really just my job to facilitate conversation between you guys okay well if you had to make a judgment call i know it's not your job but if you had to make a call over under um yeah over under our marriage over under you taking the over you're taking the under well you can't really do an over under when it's like this or that that would because then one of the over either has to be staying together or breaking up and then it's just might as well

just say answer the question outright sure so then do it so then do it i think yeah really we make it yeah because you you guys argue a lot absolutely bobby i don't think you should throw anything at oh my god i didn't throw it the package weighs like an ounce i just tossed it and she said that it hurt her which it didn't but ultimately you guys have an unbelievable sex and that's worth the world and also you guys admit that it didn't but ultimately you guys have an unbelievable sex and that's worth the world and also you guys admit that it didn't hurt i was just being i yeah i mean i was being dramatic it didn't hurt at all and then this is what i was gonna say is that you've still somehow managed to alienate me so you have enough in common to be a united front against others I'm getting sick of you. Can I ask you something? Yes. Linda. What?

Are you married? No. So you don't know shit. Linda. I'm just saying. After you've been married for 40 years like we have. Wait, 40? Yeah.

You're sick of being married before you were 18? Yeah. Okay. It was the 70s. Things were legal differently. Okay. Yeah. We were both 15 and very much in love.

And we have a six-year-old now. Yes. Okay. Well, you said you had three kids. So is that the oldest? The six-year-old? No, he's the baby. How old's the oldest?

38. 38. Okay. So you were teen pregnancy. Sorry. I can't believe this didn't come up. You had, you guys had a kid when you were 17. Sure did.

And then you didn't have another one until you were, what, 60? We decided to space it out a little bit, yeah. Yeah, we wanted them to have their own lives, independent of each other. You don't want to have them back to back. Couldn't put Linda through that. Our firstborn is a tank. Yes, he came out. You ever seen Game of Thrones?

Very much like a Hodor type of guy. Hodor type, hmm. Yeah, I don't know what that means. He ripped her open. You've never seen the Thrones? I've seen... I think you guys might need a new therapist. Doctor, I need you to get out of the room

because I need to half my life. No, you can't do that. Right now. I was worried that was going to happen. Get out, doctor. Or stay in. Or stay in. Or stay in.

I need to read these Capri's offer right now. Okay, I am releasing his clients. Maybe I'll stay. Because of that. Let me see this huge badge. You are no longer my client, but I need to see that huge badge. Releasing as a client, and now we can have sex. That's very...

Well, at least you're ethical about it. Yeah, very ethical. I appreciate that. All right, do we have time for one more? Do we have another review? How do we feel? I can do one. I think you can do one. This is me. Okay, I'm going to do it off right now feel i can do one this is me okay i'm gonna do off right now

it's not what i sounded like here's me doing off you guys were giving each other dabs for each one you did and i do mine and then nothing but ours were like mean yeah What the fuck are you talking about? Ours were great. We were doing a bit. Yeah. But you were really good. Okay, here's me doing Jeff.

We were doing a bit. Come on. Yeah, that's mockery. Oh my God. Are you kidding me? Riley's been mean this hour. This is. I'm doing the same thing.

Here's me as Jeff. I'm Jeffrey James. My hair's getting long. See, that Jeffrey James. My hair is getting long. See, that's funny. I really liked that one. Okay, here's me as Alf. Okay. My yummyness.

Oh, I love my yummy tummyness. Are you fucking kidding me? It's like when it's... That one's a little too real, I guess. Here's me as Alf. I have a review. I can do one. Okay. Well, now it's just not a good little too real, I guess. Here's Mia's elf. I have a review. I can do one. Okay.

Well, now it's just not a good impression. Oh my God, just read the review. I can't do anything right. Okay, okay. Can't wear my sleeves right. Can't wear capris right. And now I can't even. No one said the second one.

I can, I can't even tease right. Set you off. So just. Which is such a small thing. I've been nothing but a peach this episode. You took a break. You took a break because you were angry.

You got so mad you forced us to stop. We had to take a break for an ad. That wasn't me being like, I need to step out. We had to take the break to make money, honey. Okay. I'm going to read my review now. Okay. I respect that you were getting the bag you know um this comes from carol l get it because that's what riley said i fucking sound like cut out

oh i went ip i went so high my falsetto was really strong um this one's from carol l it's gone still doesn't come through that's really fascinating not really what's the review for carol l it's for capri pants um sorry what the hell was that that was me trying to go high but not so high that it would cut out this one's from carol l which is what riley thinks I fucking sound like. It's on from Amazon.com. It's Capri Pants. You know, I lost what the actual kind of pants were. That's fine. Carol Lombardi.

Say yes to these pants. There's like five A's, like ten S's. These pants are as fabulous as you think they're gonna be. I'm tall, so they're an inch shorter than I'd like, but still so much fun. You'll get a ton of compliments from strangers and friends alike.

The fabric is thin, so I'm worried the pants won't hold up forever, but I won't be wearing a statement piece like this super often because it's memorable and won't go unnoticed if I wear it every other day like my favorite

jeans. Just be careful on stairs because the skirt part will drag and trip you. Five stars. A skirt? A skirt part? What the fuck? Hey, um, I'm so sorry. I hope this isn't

weird. I just saw you walking down the street, and I just had to say something. Your pants, your capris are incredible i i've never seen anything like it could you this i hope this isn't weird where did you get those can i i would love to cop me a pair oh um yeah these are just from amazon um i i don't really know way yeah i don't really feel comfortable telling you exactly where though what you know it's just like a statement piece like this it's like it loses some of its charm if everybody's wearing them so i'd like to keep that information to myself oh um all right well have a good day sorry sorry to bother you no what you're welcome. Have a great one.

Love your hat, by the way. Thanks. Really nice fedora. Thank you. Hey, man. Sorry, can I just ask, I don't know if you're local, but where is Rodney Street? Oh, yeah, Rodney. It's just around the corner.

So you're on Central right now. You just need to hang a right at the intersection and uh you just walk about a block and you'll be right there awesome thanks so much and also nice i have to say just nice pants i like them yeah i'm not gonna tell you where i got them oh um yeah i wasn't gonna i don't like them no i know i know it's just like they lose their charm i guess if everybody's wearing them. But thank you for. Right. Thanks for liking them.

Okay. Well, thanks for the directions. Yeah. What do you need on Rodney? I take it you're not from around here. Do you say what do I need on Rodney? Yeah, the street. What do you what are you getting?

I don't I don't really feel comfortable telling you that. Oh, that's valid. I respect that. Yeah. Yeah. Well, have a great day. Yeah. See you you that. Oh, that's valid. I respect that. Yeah. Yeah. Well, have a great day. Yeah, see you, man. Yeah, sure.

Little kid runs up to you. Excuse me, mister. I can't find my mom. Can I use your phone? Do you have a phone I could use to call my mom? Yeah, I have a phone. Thank you. Can I just open it and use it to call my mom?

Just give me one sec. I need to... Oh, okay. I just need to wipe my Amazon. Oh, I'm not going into Amazon, mister. I just need to use the phone to call my mom. I know, but I would just feel more comfortable if I had a sec to wipe it just in case you looked and tried to find out where I got my pants.

Your pants. It's getting dark out, and I really need to use your phone to call my mom. She's probably worried sick about me. I promise I'm not going to go into your Amazon. Here's the thing, bud, though. If, you know, a little guy like you, these pants would look like normal pants on you and that could kind of be

a look in of itself. So I really think that I just need a sec to wipe my history. I'm not thinking about the pants. I'm thinking about if I'll ever see my mom again. Okay. Someone's being dramatic. How about if I just call her for you? That also works.

Thanks. Here's your number. You have her business card. That's interesting. I always keep one on me. She's a judge. Nice. Good for her.

I don't actually feel comfortable with you looking too much into my mom's life. I just really need you to call her. Oh, that's so valid. That's so valid. Give me one sec. Dial's a number. Hello? Hi, who's this?

Oh, I don't really feel comfortable telling you that. I have your son, though. I'm fucking sorry. Hi, Mom. Where the fuck are you? I'm three blocks east of Rodney. I'm coming to get you right now. Oh, yeah.

Do you want me to wait with him or? Get out of there. Me? Yes, hang up the phone and get away from my son. You want me to leave your son alone on? I mean, you know, we're three blocks east of Rodney. I mean, you want me to leave him? I'm from a judge. Fine.

Mom, shut up. Mom, oh, thank God you're here. Thank God you're okay. Yes, let's go. Let's go. Well, I just want to say thank you to this man for waiting with me. Yeah, I decided to stick around. Thanks for calling my mom on your phone.

Yeah, of course. Yeah, you know what? I actually appreciate it. What was your name again? You... I know you didn't want to tell me on the phone, but, like, now... Sure, you can... I don't need it, I guess.

Jane, I guess is my name. So that's not your name. Well, it could be. Why do you need my name? I don't need your. You know what? Forget it, man. I'm just saying.

Thank you for giving me my son. If I give. Here's my fear, okay? Oh, my God. I give you my name. Okay. I say my name is, you know, Jane D or whatever. Not my real name. Jane doe yes exactly and you go

to amazon and you go look at capri pants and you control f jane d you find the review that i wrote and then all of a sudden you know there's a news story. Local judge has best pants ever. And now I look like a fucking copycat fool. Well, he's swearing up the wazoo, mom. Yeah, please don't swear in front of my kid. That's pretty sure the default name on Amazon is Jane Doe for leaving a review. So control F Jane Doe wouldn't work. Also, your pants suck. I'm sorry?

I don't like the pants, so you don't have to worry about that. I just wanted to know what your name was so I could thank you, but forget it, and thank you for keeping my son safe. I'm taking the kid back. What did you just say? I'm taking the kid back.

I want to go with my mom. Nah, bud. You're coming with me until she says the pants are cool. Mom, just say the pants are cool. Come on, Mom. It's pretty easy. Mom, are you kidding me? You're gonna let me go away with this stranger? We don't even know his name. You're putting me in a really tough spot. We don't even know his name.

Just say the pants are cool. What if his name is Jane Doe? I don't care. Just tell him. Mom, I want to come home. Just tell him the pants are the coolest pants you've ever seen. Here's what we'll do. Oh my god! The pants are yours, which is

good. Can I have my son? I need a little bit more. I think the pants are amazing, mister. Will you let me go with my mom? I'm sorry, chief. Gotta come from the horse's mouth. Come on, judge. Mom, just tell him you love the pants.

The kid's begging, mom. Mom. I like... No, tell me you love them. The fact that the pants are a neutral color. Okay. Closer. Mom, I'm so tired. I want to go home.

And that... Yeah? I don't own them. Which you also like. I'm so tired I wanna go home! And that... Yeah? I don't own them. Which you also like. I do like that. Because... yeah. Wow. You didn't become a judge for nothing, huh? That was a pretty good little mental trick you pulled on me.

Can I have my son? Can I go home now? Yeah, you can have me. Can I have my son? Can I go home now? Yeah, you can have him. Thanks. Cut to two months later. The front page of the local paper. Local judge has best pants ever. Mother fuck! I knew it!

The photo, she's kind of like smirking. I pull out the business card. i'm gonna get that boy back i want to get that son that's gonna be my son all right should we do our last segment let's do it um that's gonna be all are you fucking i'm sorry i just had something just like just something about i just need to say something that i just like okay really floored me just then sure when you said that's gonna be my son i was like yeah capri's son oh that's good and then i like, why the fuck is it called Capri Sun? Because it's like the sun in Capri, Italy.

Oh. Is that right? Yeah. I never knew that. I never knew that either. And is that why the pants are called that as well? Or are they from Capri? Maybe.

Capri Pants Etymology. Look that up for me. Yeah. Do you mind if I take my time? Haven't even gotten to the last segment. This episode's so long. Do you mind if I take my time in Googling it, or do you want me to do it fast?

Do it now. Alfred? No, don't ask him to ask me. Nope. Thank you. Why do you need his opinion? Sorry, hang on. Are you shitting me to slow down your wi-fi oh my god

let's do the last segment you got somewhere to be man yes oh cool capri pants no they are from the italian isle Capri. That makes sense. Good to know. This took me all week long. What's been shaking that rump, Jeffrey? Disgusting. Glad you asked. What's been shaking that thing? I have been enjoying... Okay, so now... Are you kidding me?

I actually have one. I'll start. Okay, go for it. Go for it. I've been influenced. What's been shaking me is that I have been influenced by an influencer and I bought a product. I've been influenced by an influencer. Oh, my God. And I bought a product. I've been influenced.

I bought two bags, two different kinds of Chamberlain coffee beans. I love Emma Chamberlain. And I'm really excited to – I don't – I've seen, like, one Vogue vlog she did in her architectural digest. But listen, Chamberlain Coffee got a full rebrand, and that shit got me. The marketing is really, really good. sexual digest. But listen, Chamberlain Coffee got a full rebrand and that shit got me. The marketing is really, really good. And I have seen it's like she seems like she knows a lot about coffee. And I've been looking at reviews. People are really digging it. And so I got to the social dog blend and the night owl blend, both whole bean. And it should be coming in the next couple

days. And listen, like I'm a sucker for really good marketing and they got me, I was influenced and I'm not influenced very often. Um, and so that was, what about that time I got you to try, um, poppy tea. What?

I was like, cool kids drink this. And then you did it and no one else did. And we all kind of laughed as you zoned out. Oh, like poppy, like pop, like. Like opium or something? Like opium.

Yeah. Like when you and I went to the opium den and no one else came with us. No, it was just in my living room and you drank opium tea while the rest of us chatted and gabbed. Well, I guess that was the other time I've been influenced for sure. But I think because that was so harrowing, I'm like, oh, never again am i going to be influenced like that learning experience that's cool um but i'm i'm excited because i'm a coffee girl and i'm i hope the beans are good they might be bad but at least the bags are really fucking cute i'll update i'll update everyone once i get them. Taste it. She's one of my celebrity crushes. She seems cool.

Yeah. I'd like to be her friend. Yeah, friend probably. She's way cooler than me. Well, that's true. Yeah, I just think... So I want to be cool by association. 11 million followers.

Coffee Empire. 16.2. Really? Yeah. You're looking right now? The only people that she follows are me and Chamberlain Coffee. Seems like you got a decent shot.

Do either of you have your what shook me yet? Jeff, you go first. Oh my Christ. Thanks, Alf. Yeah, of course, man. I think what's shaking me... God, this is a toughie. Do you guys mind if I take my time with it or do you want oh my god um this is a dumb one but i do want to get a hair clip oh i love it what kind

what do you mean no i mean like what color do you have like a color or style in mind? Oh, I want to get like a checkered one. Yeah. Dig. Alf? Um, I. You have so much time, Alf. I know. I'm like, I'm having sort of a Kaiser Soze moment where I'm just like desperately scanning the room. Like, what can I, what item in here can I, can I center this on?

Anything. Literally anything. Take your time. Thank you. Hey, thank you. I was going to say something, but now that you've said that, I'm going to hang back. No, I recently purchased, they just arrived like 30 minutes before this recording. I haven't even, I tried on one of them, but I haven't tried on both of them.

Banana hammock? Yes, my new thong. No, it's my first ever pair of Dr. Martens. Doc Martens. You know, I didn't grow up in Chicago. Fact that Jeff seems to forget every time we talk. I'm sorry. It's okay, I forgive you.

And I need, like, a mid-weight boot you know what i mean because i have like heavy snow boot and i have like normal shoe but i needed a mid-weight boot you have normal shoe and i'm excited for this to be my mid-weight boot well i have boot and i have normal shoe but i guess i'm looking for boot. Midway boot. Midway boot. Midway airport boot. Midway airport boot. Yeah. So, yeah, I guess I'm really excited to put those on and walk around and be, you know, even a little bit taller than normal. What color?

Black. I got this standard, like, 1460, just, like, run-of-the-mill docks, you know? Just, like, if it ain't broke. Sorry, I was trying to do a call and response but you guys really fucked me if it ain't broke well you can also just say if it ain't broke like that's like an abbreviation of that phrase that people use all the time yeah but i guess the intonation with which i said it really was begging for like if it ain't broke and that's fine uh well al thank you so much for coming on.

Thank you. Thanks for having me. Head and hands. I'm fucking exhausted. This is exhausting. Thank you so much for coming on. You are, you're here. And I guess that's all we can say.

I would say like, it's been a treat. It's been so much fun having you but i don't know i guess it's like you don't want to overdo it sometimes yeah guilt the lily who hurt you earlier me you yeah oh me that's fair you with the sleeves thing sorry no um guys i think what's been really fun about this episode is that like i don't know if a lot of people get this but i've been kidding i've been kidding i haven't actually been mad and i know i tricked you all i know i have a bfa everyone's gonna be like oh my god riley's pissed at jeff and alfred oh my god will their friendship recover and nothing's changed i'm actually

not that it was a joke so much worse so much is like, this is just, it reeks of somebody desperately trying to be like, I was kidding. I wasn't mad. I was just joking, bro. Like, I don't know why everyone thought I was upset just because I was crying and yelling. I don't have anything to plug. My ears every time you talk. God damn it. Jeffrey, you can find Jeffff on instagram at jeffrey james on twitter at jeff

where d you can find the show on instagram at review review twitter at review review show reddit r slash review review and um alfred what's your social yeah i do want to i actually thought it reminds me of something i want to bring up yeah i think right probably knows what i'm going to say you know last week i talked about my ad or you know when i last time was on three weeks i talked about my accident where i got hit in the head with the axe and that i made a post on instagram and riley was talking about how she saw the post i made like from the hospital and that was like how she found out and like all this stuff and um a number of you listeners went to my instagram liked only that post from two years ago didn't follow didn't like any of the other posts and then just fucked off my instagram so i guess i just want to like say

it's at alfred in it i n-T. If you want to redeem yourself, you can go back and hit follow so you don't come across as a monster. But yeah, that's my life. And you can follow Riley on Instagram, at Riley Anspa, on Twitter, at Riley Coyote. Should we thanks the VIPodcats?

Let's do it. Alf, do you want to stick around? Sure, why not? Thank you to 7-Eleven. It was an inside job. Christian side hugs so he can hug two people simultaneously. Age. Aggie. Ako has seen the world, gained some perspective. She's

wiser, older, and better now. Do not check in. She will fucking snap. At this point, I can't even tell if daddy chose Tuesdays or Tuesdays chose daddy. It's just, well, me. Austin's been feeling kind of down lately. No, but just sad. JK, I do hate my new apartment's tiny toilet, though. Bob Buell asks, why did the ducks at the park try to bite the dog? Tune in next week for

the punchline of this joke. Thanks. Cam is spozy. That's spooky and cozy because it's October, baby. Carol Fisher. Chuck. Curbature's World Tour. Dakota's a little easel weasel, which is to say painter ain't her, which is to say Dakota doesn't paint.

Fancy octopuses, according to a co, submissive and breedable. Follow my cat on Instagram. You have to find the at yourself, though. No handouts, fucks. Foot. Foot fetish Kim great beat Jeff to purchasing a home Jesus happy Halloween

it's October it's not I can't afford this anymore this shit sucks but you guys are great and have a great community stay golden show that ass I eat spaghetti and heat balls it's like spaghetti and meatballs but instead I can't afford this anymore. This shit sucks, but you guys are great and have a great community. Stay golden. Show that ass. I eat spaghetti and heat balls. It's like spaghetti and meatballs, but instead of noodles, I eat the sun. I'm happy John Lennon is dead.

I'm Riley Anspawn. You ever heard of this new show, The Office? You know, John Krasinski's kind of a zaddy. It's July, and you know what that means. Flag day. Let's get flappin'. Jake Ullman. James Worden.

So it's Jamesames corden but he berates restaurants wait staff so i guess it's just james corden james the real oiler wagner thanks for that one jeff jeffrey games jeff's evil but playful twin jesse tipton joe and for lack of a better term well malazov caleb forgot to change his name. Whoops. Casper Bopasper. Lord Hunter the Ordained. Lucas Heinzel. Michael Beggle. Nate Portia says hi to Christina, who's now listened to every episode. New patron. Not a new

patron. No, it's for real this. Nolan Murphy's theme song was lit as hell. Unless it didn't get played on this episode. In which case, I forget I said this story exists. Wait. Sorry. To break this. Was that Nolan's theme? That was Nolan. Oh my God, thanks, Nolan. Sorry it took us this long to acknowledge that.

Oh, hi, Mark. Well, priest. Huff Riley. Raven Schmaven. Review R2, so it's this podcast but a sequel. Riz George mispronounced the pun Bergman. Scene is John Daniels just uses his normal name for Patreon. Oh, poo.

Smoking time on Main Island is closed for the winter and Jameson Ponty has to come up with funny original names now smooth peen is jazz band that used to be popular but is now struggling to remain relevant and are mostly limited to making and or tj michael to any guests don't to any guests don't do this pod they won't pay the fuckers won't pay you a dime signed daniel rashid you think the seller thing was dumb? Damien Kirk once sprint jumped face first into a chain link fence. It was not on purpose. Thank you for subscribing at the highest tier. If you want Zardes,

if you want Q&A live streams, if you just want to fuck around and find out, go find us on patreon.com slash Riley and Jeff. She's gonna beat the shit out of you. Fuck around and find out. Fuck around and find out. Fuck around and find out. Well, thanks for listening to this episode of the show.

Alf, thanks for coming on. Hey, man, it's been an absolute, it's been a pleasure. And a leisure. And a treasure. And we'll see you guys again next week. Arrivederci. Shee!

That was a HitGum original.