Review Revue - Carnival Cruises

Episode Date: February 15, 2022

This week the gang reads reviews on Carnival Cruises and perform a twist on a classic John Cage piece, get their 20 stuck in the money machine, and have a presidential debate.    Follow at: IG: @reillyanspaugh & @geoffreyjames Twitter: @reilecoyote & @GeoffBoyardee <><> Edited by Daniel Ramos @Schubirds Advertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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This is a HeadGum Original. Finally, I get to record a whole podcast all by myself. And I'm going to do it about something original, something interesting. The internet. Finally, I get to record a whole podcast all by myself. And I'm going to do it about something original. Something interesting. The internet. The internet is really, really great. Four views.

I have all my favorite sites. Bookmark. Four views. There's always some new site. Four views. I scroll through every night. Four reviews. There's always some new site. Four reviews. I scroll through every night. Four reviews. It's like I'm seeing everybody's thoughts. Four reviews.

Jeffrey! The internet is four reviews. Jeffrey! The internet is four reviews. What are you doing? Why you think that Yelp was born? Review, review. Jeffrey!

Oh, hello Riley Monster. You are ruining my podcast! Oh, hello, Riley Monster. You are ruining my podcast. Oh, me sorry. Me, me too. Well, can you sit that dumb truck ass down for a minute so I can record? Okie dokie. Good. Glad we have this brand new media.

Four views. Oh. Which gives us all new episode ideas. Four views. Oh, sorry. Right from your mobile phone. You can watch videos and shop until you've had enough and you're ready to post. Four reviews.

The internet is for reviews. Jeffrey! The internet is for reviews. Grab your dick and double click. Still grab your dick. Still grab your dick. Still grab your dick. Review. Review.

Review. The internet is for, internet is for, internet is for reviews. Avenue Q review. Q. Review. Theme song came in from beloved patron Daniel Clough

and his shout-out to his sister for playing Riley Monster, Sarah Cloud, her stage name. That was incredible. A parody of The Internet is for Porn from Avenue Q. And of course, Jeff is Trekkie Monster. Yeah, Jeffrey Monster, he said. Jeffrey Monster, but it's also just Rodney. Yeah. Jeffrey Monster. Jeffrey Monster. But it's also just Rodney. Yeah.

And the only line that was just grab your dick and double click. Change to everything else. Still grab your dick and double click. That was beaut. That was that was gorgeous. That was gorgeous.

I enjoyed that. I enjoyed that. I've never seen Avenue Q, I'll be honest. I only know that song. It is... It would not be made today. It's offensive. Yes. Got it.

Jeffrey, it's 88 degrees here. It is February 10th, and it is 88 degrees in Los Angeles. We're burning up. Yeah, I've heard that. It's also really warm here, but a really nice day. I know it's still a product of climate change, but I'm putting it to it. It doesn't make sense, and it shouldn't be this way. Yeah, but it's my saving grace.

It is unseasonably hot here. I am in shorts and a tank top. It is not. It's terrible terrible everything is bad we're melting i'm melting it's like wizard of oz but it's the um planet instead of just the wicked witch um and we're melting we're melting um fuck sorry this isn't how i wanted to start the day it's a comedy podcast it's a comedy podcast. It's a comedy podcast. And you're starting it like, like there's no hope in the world. Yeah.

Well, it just, it's like, where are we going to be in like 2050? You know, it's like, we'll be too hot to go outside. You think we'll be dead by then? I think we'll be dead. I think I'll be dead by then. Okay.

For sure. I think I'm going to die before I'm 50. Really? Why? I just have dreams where I get stabbed in the back a lot. That's terrifying. What's new? I just have dreams where I get stabbed in the back a lot. That's terrifying. Um, what's new? And shot. Okay!

Shot through the heart! It's a nightmare! This happens to me! Weekly! And that's not W-E-E-K, that's W-E-A-K L-Y. It's...

Happens to me weekly. Like, I still get shot even though they didn't try very hard. Yeah, but it still happens. Jesus. What's new, boo? That's gin, right?

It looks like a water cup, but that's definitely it's it's wild irish gin the smoothest shit in town um nothing's new i'm a changed man but it's it's because of a few things that we'll get to sorry i'm gonna change man are you nothing's i'm gonna shave it for my but i'm a changed man because of the little things here there yeah nothing's new. I'm going to shave it for my one second. But I'm a changed man because of a few things. That's just a little things here and there. Yeah. Nothing's new except for a couple things that I've changed. Nothing's new except everything about me is different. And I've shed a skin in a way.

Yeah, I've molted and you're going to be shocked to see the new me. I know, I see it. I didn't want to say anything. But you are like raw. You look like a raw chicken. And I am sorry that you have to see it like this. It won't be like this forever, but that's why we do audio shit it's always darkest before the dawn um you're looking at the calm before the storm let's just say that

i don't think so by the time this episode airs i'm gonna be you look like a plucked mr worldwide got it uh what's new with you? Hurt my knees. Yeah, you did. You fell on ice. I fell on ice. Daniel, Elizabeth, and I went. We took some skiing. We ended up skiing for the weekend. And Riley took a tumble.

Let's just say that. I haven't skied since I was like 11. Oh, I didn't know that. And I have weak knees and weak ankles. But the weak knees were resulted by me breaking my ankles three times in high school. And so that I just I really was like trying to treat baby my ankles, which resulted in me putting too much weight on my knees. It doesn't matter. Anyway, fell on ice and it really hurt as I fell.

And it was while skiing, like going down a slope. It was really, oh, more climate change shit because Utah hasn't had fresh snow in like over a month. So all the slopes are really, really icy right now. It's crazy, dude. It's fucking nuts. But anyway, fell on ice, knew something was wrong, went to urgent care. And they kind of were moving everything around. And they're like, you feel fine.

It probably just hurts. And they're like, good thing't feel like you feel fine. Like it probably just hurts. And they're like, good thing it's not popping or cracking. Get home that night. It starts popping and cracking. It's like, fuck. And I'm like,

did you call or what? So I know because then we were going home the next day. So I came back, I got x-rays and MRIs, um, fell asleep during my MRI. And even the tech was like, that's crazy.

It's so loud. Um, yeah. Were you, you were tired? Cause I had to get up at like, that's crazy. It's so loud. Yeah, were you, you were tired? Because I had to get up at like five to go. So I was just exhausted. But everything came back totally clear,

which I was shocked because they're still popping and clicking a little bit, but they're like, there's no breaks, there's no tear, there's no fracture, whatever,

just like ice it and rest it for a bit. So of course, what I do next for the, for the next two days is I proceed to run every errand i possibly can running around la and daniel's like and then i get home and i'm like i'm really in

pain and he's like why were you why were you not stationary sure so that's new with me but they're feeling actually a lot better today that's good and do you have to you have to keep icing them or something or like resting specifically just like like rest. I mean, just like I've been putting Arnica on it and just like icing it every once in a while. And it just right now it just hurts to stand or walk for too long. So I did a commercial audition or a commercial callback the other day and they were running behind. And so I was just standing in front of my computer because I didn't want to them. It was so I'm just like, of course. But yeah, so feeling a lot better. And so I was just standing in front of my computer cause I didn't want to them. It was so I'm just like, of course. Um,

but yeah, so feeling a lot better, but it fucking hurts. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It's okay. I'm, uh,

I, what, what I hate about it, I just, I, it's really getting personal. It's really hard for me to ask for or accept help. Um,

and so this is like the worst thing for me. So, but it's been like a great lesson. And my therapist is like, this is a great lesson. I'm like accepting that and just giving over to that. So that's new with me, but we're not here to talk about knees as much as I'd love to. Fuck. I really want to talk about knees. No, don't talk about knees.

We already fight the urge. I really, Jeffrey, I want to talk about knees. No, don't talk about knees. We already... Fight the urge. I really... Jeffrey, I want to talk about my patella. Ugh. We're talking about something revolutionary. Equally something that lifts you up as much as knees. Knees are lifting me higher than i ever thought knees could lift knees we are talking and as i'm sure everyone can already guess if you haven't read the title

of the episode but just from this conversation i know it's glaringly obvious what we're talking about today based on this intro yeah carnival carnival cruises carnival cruises carnival cruises knees it's a one-to-one um i have been on one carnival cruise in my life so you've you've taken your knees on a carnival cruise i've taken my knees uh to the to the carnival fuck i have nothing right now um i took my niece to a carnival cruise once i i've only been on one cruise in my life and it was a carnival cruise with my dad where'd you go um we went uh it was god i was probably like 10 and i forget exactly we went to mexico i forget where in mexico um but it was it was like a very short cruise, obviously, because we're leaving from Reynadal, right?

It was half an hour. It was like a two-day thing, maybe two-night. Cruising, I find, is not something that I actively seek out. You don't seek out cruising? Also, being 10, there wasn't really much. Like, I didn't. There's the kids' corner. Well, that's exactly right.

And so what happened is that i made a gang and what well i remember like i was just kind of wandering around because also i'm so pale it i wasn't like i didn't want to like sit in the sun for too long and so i found the kids corner made a gang and we just kind of like walked around the boat as a group. But then we got to Mexico when we got to our stop. It was raining and very cloudy. And so no one wanted to get off the boat to do any excursions because it was such bad weather. So you had a horrible experience on a carnival cruise?

Yes. But that had nothing to do with a carnival. It was just more the circumstances. The weather, the gang. The gang. I've never been on a cruise, ever. Should we get on our first review? Yes.

It just feels very limiting to me. Yeah, why would you... I mean, I don't know. There are some people who love it. There's people who are like, I missed cruising. And they do it all the time. I don't know. There are some people who love it. Like, there's people who are like, I missed cruising. And like, they do it all the time. I'm really into the idea of,

uh, all inclusive resorts. Mm-hmm. And I think some cruises are all inclusive. All inclusive, really. Uh, so I'd love to do that with like friends.

Cause that's, to, to just pay a flat fee and then anything is free for me would be. Chee. Would be shee. Yeah. Would be she would be she uh it'd be awesome um what i've loved like as i've been looking up reviews that there are a bunch of different names for each line it's not even just like yeah it's not like labo or whatever the cabo it's but it's like it's not even named after like the destination that they're going to or like the vibe. It's like if it's like a Caribbean one or a Mexican cruise or whatever.

It's like paradise. Yeah. Adventure. Lancer. Jeff, would you like to start us off? I would. Here we go. This is a two star review

from Kristen R Kristen how do you spell that it's uppercase R and then like three lowercase and then two uppercase and then three lowercase again the fucked up thing

is that's possible. Like if you wanted your last name to legally be that, you could make it that. Riley, but you have to do the growl on it. Otherwise you're not pronouncing it right. Can I get a last name for the order? Sorry.

Sorry, did you just growl at me? What's the name? Are you on a motorcycle? Do you just growl at me? What's the name? Are you on a motorcycle? Do you want me to spell it? Yeah, can you spell it? It's capital R, lowercase rrr. Okay. Capital RR, lowercase rrr.

Okay. And you know that if you don't come in to pick up the food order, we will. Actually, yeah, can I just get a credit card just in case this is not a real order? Okay. And you know that if you don't come in to pick up the food order, we will... Actually, yeah. Could I just get a credit card? Just in case this is not a real order. First name Riley, last name R. R, R, R.

We can't place this order. This is absolutely fake. All right. Two stars from Kristen. I went on the Breeze Christmas cruise. The first night, in a narrow walkway, a man jumped down in front of me. He put a $20 instead of a $10 in a money machine. What?

The rim of the cup I was carrying went up between my upper lip and teeth. It almost went through my upper lip and teeth. It almost went through my upper lip. If it wasn't for a retired nurse on board running to my side, I would have lost a lot more blood on the floor than I did. I had to get four stitches inside my lip and two out. The incident happened the first night we boarded. Carnival charged me for my medical and has not compensated me for the loss of my cruising experience that I could have had.

On top of the accident, most shows on board were also canceled. Wait, sorry. Yeah. Sorry. Sorry, so just for the report, I'm gonna need to just walk me through, I know it's a very traumatic experience. I need the report, I'm going to need to just walk me through. I know it's a very traumatic experience.

I need the insurance. I understand. This is my insurance claim. I understand. And I want to make sure... Sorry, let me get your name again. Paul. Paul, sorry.

Paul Mabel. Paul Mabel. You were reading my last name. I was. I just want to make sure that I can give the insurance company the most accurate description possible. Do you want to make sure that I can give the insurance company the most accurate description possible. Do you want to record me saying this?

Are you not typing fast enough? You know what? That would be fantastic. So let me just. Awesome. So please, as clearly and as detailed as you can, I'd love to just have you say everything you just told me. Not a problem. Night one, on a narrow walkway,

a man jumped down in front of me. Okay, sorry. So I'm gonna just stop right there. A man jumped. Already you don't understand? A man jumped down. Like, can you, was he coming from like a higher level

and jumping down? I'm so sorry. You know, I've never had to file an insurance claim. This is not surprising me that you're not getting it. They don't really hire the sharpest tools in the shed. A man jumped down in front of me on a narrow walkway. Right. Again, I am just trying to get an idea

of how that caused you to put the glass between your lip and your teeth. Were you spooked? Or were you... Don't shush me close your eyes what no close your eyes close your eyes oh fine close your eyes but picture a narrow walkway i see it it's like the shining boom man jumps down in front of you but from where so that's what i'm not understanding is where's the man coming from He's coming down onto a narrow walkway from above, maybe. But from where?

From where? He jumped down. From where, Paul Mabel? This is, I, are you trolling us? Four stitches. Is this what's happening? Two on the outside, two on the inside. I often talk about how they love being trolls on the internet.

They're like, oh, we love trolling. Is this what you're doing to me? Are you trolling me right now? You not see the scar on my lip you think i want to look like this you think i want to pay 2600 for it it wasn't my fault i think that this is unfortunately one of those cases where you might have just tripped and you're trying to get some money out of carnival because i don't understand how in a walkway, a narrow walkway, a man could jump down in front of you. What, like Santa, like coming through the ceiling? I know it's not what Santa does, but it sounds

like very similar to that kind of situation. Let me prove it to you by just getting into the headspace that I was in at the time. Fine. I'm walking towards my room, I think. All right. Two walkways diverged on a carnival cruise, and I took the one where a man jumped down in front of me with a $20 bill instead of a $10 bill. How is that important? How is the money he was carrying important to the story? You didn't even bring that up the first time.

Sorry, so I'm still trying to figure out the physics of him jumping in front of you or on top of you or however that happened. The money's irrelevant to me. I don't care how much cash he was carrying. I think, I mean, I'm just saying that I'm adding more details to prove that I'm not lying. He had a $20 bill instead of a $10 bill. You could be saying anything. You could say his eyes were green. You could say his favorite flavor of ice cream is chocolate chip. None of that makes sense or matters. I need to know for the insurance company so that you can get money for the injury that you sustained how he jumped in front of you and how that caused you to hurt

your lip i i mean now i feel like this is a cross-examination i feel like maybe i should have interrogated him maybe i should have asked if it was butter rum maybe i should have known if it was mint chip this is crazy that you're asking me what flavor of ice cream. All I'm saying is that a man on a narrow walkway jumped down in front of me. $20 instead of $10. He put it in a money machine. He put it in a money machine. What do you mean a money machine? What, like an ATM or like to get change? What do you mean a money machine? Listen, and you know what the worst part of all of this is? Is that Carnival's trying to fucking screw me out of this cruising experience. I didn't get

to enjoy any of it because I had stitches in my fucking lip. I am sorry for your injury. I am trying to help as best I can but I... No, forget this. I pick up my coffee from the desk. Forget this. I can't do this. I just trip over nothing and the same injury happens. Oh, not again!

I mean, um, for the first time. The guy who did jump, he's waiting in the rafters, he's like, good, good. So he wasn't lying. Alright, should we take a quick break and come back with some more

Carnival cruise reviews and we're back three stars this is for um carnival magic this is from jimmy l jim Jimmy Longfellow. Jimmy Longfellow. Three stars. The title is enjoyable. I will say that the staff was great. Lee was highly energetic as a cruise director. Sorry, before I get into this review, I want to say that almost all of these reviews talk about Lee, the cruise director,

and how Lee made the experience. This is magic. Got it. I will say that the staff was great. Lee made the experience. This is magic. Got it. I will say that the staff was great. Lee was highly energetic as a cruise director. He really knows how to get a crowd motivated. He knows how to get the party started. Carlos from Brazil was an exceptional representative.

I lost an item and he assisted me. I didn't locate the item, but he was really great and patient. The cleaning staff on the odd side of the second floor was great, too. We went to some great places. Sorry. The Bahamas, Half Moon Bay, Turks and Caicos, Aruba. Each shop was great. This excursion lacked in every way.

What? How many stars? Three. It didn't lack in every way. You only listed positive stuff and then said it lacked in every way. It was Lee knowing how to get the party started, knowing how to get a crowd going. It was the guy, one of the guys who was helping,

he's like, I lost something and he helped me. I didn't find it but he was really patient it's like a presidential like debate all right and we have our two candidates here uh america the uh don't forget to vote in four weeks uh but let's introduce our first candidate. Obviously running for re-election, President Joe Biden. Everybody claps. Great to be here. Yeah!

And his main opponent who is kind of experiencing sort of a Beatlemania type thing, Lee. Yeah! Alright, everybody everybody calm down Calm down we're here to have fun It's all good it's all good

Who is this clown I'm Lee Everybody in unison It's me it's Lee Guys come on I know we like to get the party going But come on we got a debate to do Mr. President I'm so sorry It's alright it's all right

it's all right i just don't understand um all right the first question comes in from uh wow yeah this is going to be uh diane who says that she's based in poughkeepsie but she did just spend uh about seven days in the bahamas which feels irrelevant um the question is for President Biden. Mr. President, what would you do to get the party started? Lee style. That's a great question. What? No, not really. I don't really understand the question here. I know that my voice also, by the way, is starting to sound like Richard Nixon. That's I'm just a little nervous. Get the party started Lee style. I don't really know what that is. But if it's something the kids are saying, then I'll happily post another TikTok.

Boo! And then outright boos. All right, all right. Let's settle down. Let's settle the down. They're all saying no in unison. This has never happened before. I guess Lee, same question.

What would you do to get the party started Lisa? Thumping on their knees Oh you guys know what time it is Are they anticipating his answer? Oh you know what time it is Mr. President this is a little thing that I do when I pull out

a little traveling disco ball Alright Mr. President if I could teach you a little something about Lee style, this is what I do to get the party started. First, you're gonna wanna get some music. Turn it up a little bit. You're gonna wanna get some ice. You're gonna wanna

get some white claws on ice. I start throwing them out into the crowd. Oh, I don't think that you can, uh, I don't think you can drink in here. I don't that you can drink in here. I don't think you can drink in here. Yeah, you can, but that's fine because that's Lee's style. Well, this is Lee's style. Exactly right. You know what? Here's what I'm gonna do.

Because this is a presidential trail. I'm on the campaign trail right now. We're gonna do something called Americana Lee's style. I shoot off confetti cannons of red, white, and blue. I release a bald eagle.

Now the party started Lee style! Yeah! Everything stops at once. Alright. I don't know what that was, but I'm sure we could figure out something.

You know, maybe if I win, Lee can be put in my cabinet or something. That wasn't the question, Mr. President, but thank you. This one's for Lee. It comes in from Peter R., who's based in Youngstown, Ohio, but does want to make clear that he, for the last seven days, was in the box. Peter R. Peter, I know you, man. You cannot start as a president. Is this fair? No, is this fair?

Because I feel like he knows Peter. Well, I just want to say that Peter was the first person I've ever seen to stand up on his first try of the wave machine, the surf machine on the boat. Peter, a technique like yours, man, comes along once in a lifetime. You go right ahead. I respect you, man. Whatever you need to say, I'm here for it. President Lee style. The question, he has two questions. One is for Lee and the other one's for President Biden. I'm going to ask them back to back and then you guys answer them back to back. For Lee, the question is, how's it hanging? And for Mr. President Joe Biden, it's why haven't you canceled student debt?

That's a big black mark on your first term in office. Let's start with Lee and then go to Mr. Biden. It's, it's hanging like it always is, man. Hang at 10, hanging loose, hanging Lee style. You know how it is. I wink. The crowd goes insane. Um, yeah, no, just the financial implications for those loans just kind of disappearing is tough for the economy.

And I'm a jobs president, I guess is my answer. I'm all about jobs. All right. And yeah, we're just thanks so much for your guys' answers. I'm looking at live polling results. Lee is polling at 89 percent across party lines. Get out of here, man. Unbelievably. Stop yanking my chain.

You don't have to say that. And President Biden, not only have you lost the 5% of moderate Republican support in the last 20 seconds, but also you're pulling at 13%. 13% with Democrats. I cover the mic. Hey, Mr. President,

I just want to say that you can be my right hand man. You can be my VP. I know you've done it before. I think you can do it again. I'm not going to be VP again. I will never go back. Hey, Mr. President, you ever watch that show Veep with Julia Louis-Dreyfus? I think, no, Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

That's who it is. You ever watch that show Veep? Yes. I think you would be great at that. I already did that. I'm president now, fucker. His mic wasn't good for that. And Mr. President, that is the last 9% of your approval ratings. To be under 5% is unheard of.

I guess we'll end with our closing remarks. Let's start with President Biden and ending with Lee because, I mean, we don't want to end on a bummer. Of course. You know it, man. Oh, my God. My pitch to you is thus. I got us out of the pandemic. I'll keep us out of another one.

And fine, I'll cancel student debt. That should be a roar of applause, right? Nothing? Nothing? Nothing. What about the cannon? I try to go over to your confetti cannon and turn it on myself. How do you do this? All newfangled technology.

I'm trying to get it. Damn it, I can't figure it out. I can't figure it out. That was very sad from President Biden. Let's hear from Malia. While President Biden is trying to figure out the cannons that were already deployed so there's nothing left in them, I only got one. Everybody laughs. It's all right.

It's all right. We all get confused. I only have one thing to say to you, the American people. You already know what it's going to be. This is my motto. This is how I was raised. This is how I live my life every day. And this is exactly how I'd run this country.

How would they know? I am president. I get really close to the mic. I look straight down the barrel of the camera. There ain't no laws when you're drinking claws. A sponsored message. This is insane. He's obviously in the pocket of big, white, hard seltzer.

People throwing chairs. Throwing chairs, claws, their own confetti cannons. Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Cut to, like, a couple months later. There is, like, there are signs. The White House is sponsored by White Claw. The White House looks like a cruise ship. Yeah.

Biden peers in from the VP's mansion down the street. Oh, hell, Lee. You got me. You got all of us. Mr. Vice President, we have a message from President Lee. Yeah, let's hear it. He says he would like to meet you on the Lido deck in 15. The what?

The Lido deck. Sir, I don't know if you've ever been cruising, but that is a term for usually, as he calls it, the place where the party happens is on the Lido deck. It's what he's renamed the Oval Office, sir. Got it. Yeah, I'll be there. It's what he's renamed the Oval Office, sir. The Lido deck. Everyone's wearing leis.

No way. No way. No leis. This isn't even Hawaiian themed. I don't understand. You never worked in Hawaii. This is racist. What the fuck is wrong with you? Alright, should we do our last review? Let's do it. Rodney, can we get a last

name for this Rodney? Rodney Rodney. Rodney Rodney? Rodney Rodney. Rodney Rodney? Rodney Rodney. And he's like riding, riding. Got it. Four stars. This is for Carnival Fascination. What?

Four stars. The title is always a good time on Carnival. I had no problem with the inside cabin because we were only in there to shower, rest, or sleep. I always appreciated that the room steward always addressed you by name and was always pleasant and friendly. The restaurants were superb with tasty food and always pleasant service. I especially loved when the servers would break into their performance for the night. I really looked forward to that.

Since I've been cruising, I've not had bad experience. I'm gonna cross my fingers that I don't. I just like to imagine, it's like, because I know that it's probably like the servers, like, you know, being like, why? I'm saying, or like something really high energy. Yeah. It was like, intense, like drama.

Like, it's like, oh man, happy birthday, Michael. Oh, thank you. I'm just so glad we're all here together to celebrate you, man. Dirty 30, we're cruising in the Bahamas. I mean, like, can you believe it? I can't believe it. I can't believe it at all. I can't wait to get this party started.

Yes, dude. Trust me. I have done this cruise maybe like five or six times. And it's like, I keep coming back for this, like for this restaurant. Oh, my fucking God. I can't wait. Hey, how's it going? Can I get you guys started with something to drink?

Oh, you sure can, brother. I'll have a double gin and tonic. And Michael, it's Michaelael's birthday by the way michael's birthday and i know and i know you guys think a little song is in order here you go michael this is like yes it's me oh my god i was wondering if after all this time you'd like to me he pulls a chair directly in front of Michael. Sits down right in front of him, not even backwards. To go over. Acapella. The rest of the restaurant is still running normally.

Oh, thank you. Can we get those drinks? Dude, it's happening to you. What a gift. There's another verse. Yes, there's another verse. Do the verse, sir. Hello, can you hear me?

Yeah, I can hear you. I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be. Oh, my God. Whispers in his ear. When we were young and free. Oh, my God. Michael shivers. I've forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet.

Wow. All right, all right, all right. Michael. Thank you. Well, I'll take the fucking drink. That's all. I mean, fucking drink We want to have a drink Why am I the bad guy Now the restaurant stopped Which is crazy that it didn't stop when he was singing

Oh man Are you kidding me No are you kidding me Michael This is what they do I would literally kill That was crazy That was crazy it was crazy awesome I would kill to be in your position right now

You got really close to my ear it sent a shiver down my spine I didn't like that it is my birthday Exactly I just like spent so much time on that man I thought it was amazing Trevor I thought that was amazing I thought that was incredible No it was good I just like was incredible Thank you No of course

It was good I just like Why does it have to be sung to me So close proximity wise This is their thing This is their thing They sing Alright then what about

Like a high energy song Trevor Like something like Maybe you bring the drinks back And then you can sing us something else Alright I'll try Hey Trevor I'm really sorry about this man No

I think I think just turning 30 Is maybe like hard for him Or something No turning 30 is maybe hard for him or something. No, turning 30 is great. I just didn't like what happened there specifically, and it's something he did. It is his fault. No.

30 is hard. 30 was hard for me, too. I get it. He walks away. It wasn't 30. Now he's going to do it again. What the hell is wrong with you, dude? What the hell is wrong with me?

He made me uncomfortable. He gave you a beautiful one-on-one experience. I didn't want that. I wanted it to be part of the restaurant theme like you said it was, like Starlight Diner or whatever it's called. That's exactly what they're doing. No, it's not. Nothing stopped. The lighting is the same.

It's overhead fluorescence, by the way. He pulled up a chair, sat way too close to me, and rang me with hello. Right. And Starlight Diner, that's that cheesy shit. That's that mega hit Broadway stuff. This is off-Broadway. This is gritty. This is real.

This is what you come here for. You come here for a deeper, fuller, fucking human, fucking blood and guts experience. This is what it means to be human, goddammit. Sorry, I just, this is- For all the acquaintance. Yes. Putting the drinks down. Yes.

Oh my god, that's it. And nothing brought to mind. Wow. He can't even sing well. For old acquaintance. Shut the fuck up, Michael. Be forgot and all laying. Sign.

He fucked up the last note. It's the easiest one because it's the key. It's the key. It's the key. He couldn't even. He like changed keys on the last second. I shouldn't have brought you here. I knew you. This is on me?

This is on you because you don't have good taste, man. You're afraid. You know what? I grab your shoulder. You're afraid to You know what? I grab your shoulder. You're afraid to be real. No, I'm not. How's that real? You're afraid to dig deep.

You're afraid to really be seen and to see. I just feel like everyone would be uncomfortable with what's happened so far. A, you promised me the party of a lifetime for my 30th birthday. It hasn't been that but also b it's someone truly singing to me that i don't know very well like very slow that last one was pretty old like traditional songs and then hello which is one of the saddest songs ever which i

don't want to hear on my birthday let alone be sung to acapella. Sorry. Also, why is it that when I start explaining why I'm upset, everyone in the room stops, but when he sings, it doesn't. The room moves along like it's normal. You guys can go back to eating. This is crazy. Because you're... Dude. You know what?

No, I'm sorry, you guys. I'm sorry, Michael. I didn't mean to ruin your birthday. Trevor, you didn't ruin anything, man. You are giving a performance of a lifetime I've never seen what he was flat it was an entirely different note but it

doesn't matter because his heart was in it I don't care your heart was in it your heart was in it listen Michael I brought you here for your 30th because I knew that like you've had such a wall up for your 20s and I wanted this to be the thing that broke it down going into the next decade of your life I want you to let people in more not everything needs to be a joke not everything needs to be a chorus line it can be it can be the gritty

crucible revival okay and I know that those are references that you don't understand it's because that's why I'm bringing you here so you can get into that world more, and you can feel, and you can be seen, and you can see. I've never seen The Crucible. I know, and that's the issue. No, the issue... Trevor, I know you have one more in you, and Michael, please, just give it,

just give him a chance, and if you really don't like it, then whatever. Fine, fine, fine. But I want you to just try and be open to this experience. I will be open to it for this next song, all right? That's all you're asking for me. That's all I'm going to give you. Yes.

All right, and we'll try and turn this whole thing around. Yes. All right, Trevor, take it away. All right. Sits down again. Just stares at him. Oh my God, this is the best one. This is the one that he's known for.

This is why I keep coming back. He's just sitting there. Another four minutes or so goes by oh wow four minutes and 44 seconds that's one of my specialties four minutes and 44 seconds the classical piece that's just silence for four minutes and 44 seconds what the the hell? That was powerful, Trevor. No, it wasn't. It was him staring me down. I felt so uncomfortable the entire time. That was dinner and a show.

That was dinner and a show. That was neither because we haven't eaten or gotten to order because he's been singing nonsense the entire time or that which was a vacuum. You saw it as a vacuum. I saw it as filled with devastation. You know, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Have fun. Have fun. You know, we're't matter. It doesn't matter. Have fun.

Have fun. You know, we're stuck on this cruise together. So I'll see you. Well, we have different rooms. So I'm going to go get drunk at the minibar. That's 30. This is 30. Thanks a lot, man.

And Trevor. Here. Gives him a CD. What is this? That's one of the greatest albums of all time. And it has a lot of good high energy songs. So please enjoy Michael McDonald. Trevor, that was so insulting.

I'm so sorry about that, man. This is garbage, man. Yeah. I'm sorry, Michael. This is garbage music. No, garbage music. It's him singing some of the best songs of all time. It's Michael McDonald. He has like the, you don't know that song that voice i'm so sorry i'm so sorry he tosses it i'm sorry michael this is jar this is garbage that's really garbage michael

that's not what they do here that's not what anyone wants all right yeah i'm gonna go i'm gonna go i'm gonna go do something bad for me i'm gonna go call my ex Get drunk and call my ex because of this I'm gonna do that What else is self-destructive? I'm gonna go to the sauna for too long Can I go? Why are you guys just staring at me? I was in the middle of 4 minutes and 44 seconds again My end

How was I supposed to know? It's not a song, it's nothing It's the absence of a song I'm done Alright, should we do our last segment? No, it's not a song. It's nothing. It's the absence of a song. I'm done. All right, should we do our last segment? On the hour, every hour, the whole restaurant does a rendition of 4 Minutes 46.

How could we know? This should be our week. All right, I've been waiting on bated breath, dude What's changed you? I went to Woodstock, New York Oh, that's right That's right, how was it? It was unbelievable

And I know I form parasocial relationships with places all the time And things and friends Correct Just about everything this was a genuine love for a town that i haven't felt in a while it was it reminded me of all the things i like about sugar and falls but without any of the things i dislike and it uh it's basically if laurel canyon had snow uh and a little town center 15 minutes from Kingston. 15 minutes from Saugerties. Phoenicia Diner I went to.

Early Terrible, the coolest bar I've ever been to in the mountains. The snow was glistening. It was crystalline. It was sparkly. We were down the street from Donald Fagan from Steely Dan. Dominic Fike is recording at Al Air Studios up the mountain from where we were living. Our Airbnb host was also from Sugar and Falls. Had a similar phone number to me. And we drove over the Ashican Reservoir. We went on a hike. It was just incredible. It was beautiful. We also had no power for the weekend for the first two days.

So it was just everything by candlelight. The fire was the only source of warmth. And what else do you have to do besides, you know, fireside chats, ass smacks, and snacks with rye. I was with you until Fireside Chat's ass smashed. And it was just, all the townies were very kind

to me. I went to a grocery store before I went to my Airbnb and I was immediately met with somebody walking out of the market saying, hey, do you know when the power's gonna come back? And I was like, oh, is the supermarket, I haven't been inside yet, is the supermarket out of power and she's like no they're on generator but the whole town sweetie is just gone and i was like fuck uh but lots of good music to be had

that's already been made there will continue to be made there sling recorded at al air as well david bowie's ashes spread behind the studio. And Steely Dan, Donald Fagan tours with him, just as himself. And then his band, The Night Flyers, are his new backing band for Steely Dan. And they're all made up of 20-somethings from the Woodstock area. And I'm going to see them play the Hollywood Bowl on May 27th. So it's kind of all full circle. It's kind of all for me. The Ashken Reservoir. It's all for you. Lies

above nine lost towns. How sick is that? It was beautiful. I love mountains. I love the smell of pine. I love the smell of fire. I like that the trees were frozen because of freezing rain that had fallen

on the way up. Only two hours from New York City. i don't know what else to say you said a lot it was all beautiful that was a college audition monologue yeah it was a college audition monologue but i played it wrong because they're like we loved the text but what what emotion were you feeling what's been shaking you it was beautiful piece um i think you chose really well if i give you one piece of direction i think it's just like um who was that for like you know when we tell stories uh in scripts it's never just for us it's like it's always for someone it's always oh well it definitely wasn't for me or anyone else got it it wasn't even for

you no you were just saying words yeah that's that's correct. Phil Jackson also lived in Woodstock. You don't need to keep going. We saw the cut piece. Then I don't even know if I want to go to your school. Like, I don't know who I am. You should wait a year. Yeah, yeah. I might go to Woodstock.

I brought in a piece I wrote. This is unconventional, but yeah, fine. What has been shaking me? Okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. We're back to Celeb Crushes. And no, it's not the wolf from Sing To. No way.

It's not a cartoon. Okay. You're more on board. Yes. Andrew Garfield. Yeah, he's hot as hell. I know, but okay. Andrew Garfield.

Oscar nominated Andrew Garfield. Andrew Garfield, objectively hot. He's just fantastic. Seems like one of the sweetest people on the planet i and others i know have loved andrew i feel like i want to gatekeep andrew garfield i have loved him been obsessed with him since the social fucking network and now for everyone to suddenly be like wait andrew garfield's so hot it's like yeah i know i know he has been easy the person who we can we can bleep this out or whatever uh the person the person who you're doing the current house swap with she also like we we

bonded over that that we have both been obsessed with him since the social network and it is wild that after all this time people are finally like wait andrew garfield's hot and it's like yeah of course he is he's amazing um and so i have been having a lot of dreams about him not sex dreams but truly just like dating dreams where we're like where we're it's clear that we're gonna hook up but we don't in the dream and so the other night i had a dream that he like he picked me up we were gonna go to a party together it was like some like art gallery opening like this cool warehouse and I'm like oh my god I'm like something's gonna happen like tonight something's gonna happen for sure like I feel the vibe but then we're waiting outside of this warehouse and he's like oh there's one more

person who's gonna join us and I'm like oh okay and it was Juno Temple and if you if y'all don't know Juno Temple she's Keely in Ted Lasso she's a fantastic actor but I remember being so bummed not because I wouldn't want to meet her I think she I really want to be friends with her but because I knew I'm like fuck like they're gonna it's them tonight and I'm the third wheel and so it's like in my just the third no because it was like their vibe was so clear and I woke up and I'm like, and I told Daniel about the dream. And he just goes, you want to hook up with him? I'm like, sure do.

Sure do. So, yeah, my it's it's Andrew Garfield. It's Andrew Garfield for me. Nice. It's all right. It's fine. Yeah, we can. And then I was watching his,

his actors on actors interview with Rachel Zegler and he's just like so gracious and so thoughtful and I love him. I'm happy for you. I hope you dream of him tonight. Thank you. You mean that barely? I don't have any dog in the fight, but yeah,

kind of. I hope. Okay. Okay. Okay. Uh, but I but yeah, kind of, I hope so. Okay, okay, okay. That's interesting. But I hope we both dream of our respective places and husbands. And for you, in a way, Woodstock is...

Is my wife. Is your wife. The W stands for wow, and also wife. And also wife. You can follow Riley on Instagram, at Riley Anspa,, on Twitter at RileyCoyote, and the show on Instagram at ReviewReview, and the show on Reddit at or r slash ReviewReview. You can follow Jeff on Instagram at JeffreyJames, on Twitter at JeffBoyRD. Should we thank some VI podcasts?

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applause thank you no way nate fortius was quite literally the first to say it's a good day to have a gansit that's insane by the way congratulations oh, yeah. Nolan Murphy feels like he was snubbed for Best Picture. He took a selfie and it was fine. Orange you glad it isn't Hallie. Pete Bradford submitted a theme song, but where does he submit the album art? There is none. If you have any, please send it. Phoebe.

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And Yaro Bouchard. If you guys want to join this month Zardy maybe. We gotta plan that. Probably yeah. But until next week we'll see you guys. Thanks for listening to this episode. If you guys want to join this month's Zardy, maybe. We got to plan that. Probably, yeah. But until next week, we'll see you guys. Thanks for listening to this episode. Thank you. Wait, thank you so much, T.

That was a Hiddem Original.