Review Revue - Carousels

Episode Date: May 7, 2024

Alf and Reilly kill it at miming at the park and design the greatest carousel in this weeks episode of Review Revue! >>>>><<<<<Follow at:IG: @reillyanspaugh @alfredinnitTwitter: @reilecoyote Join the discord here!Produced by Daniel Ramos @SchubirdsAdvertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Get the Angel Reef Special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. And participating restaurants for a limited time. This is a HeadGum Original. Led by the vision of comedy gold

Fate brought to us two coy hosts Their quick-witted humor And gracious yes-ending Aren't what we deserve But what we all need If dreams can't come true Explain to me How Riley and Jeff

Astonish every time When Tuesday morning comes I'm lost in the worlds That spasm from their brains The funniest part of all I think this show would be better if we smoked during it. Cigarettes. What do you mean?

Neither of us smoke cigarettes. I know, but I do think it would make the show better if we did. Why do you think that? I think it would add an elegance. I think it would add a, you know, obviously I don't condone you know smoking obviously is bad for you but yes I do think we would look cooler

no one can see us right but to each other you will never look any cooler to me than you do now and well you don't want to know how cool you look to me than you do now. And well, you don't want to know how cool you look to me now. How cool? That theme song that really put us in a very subdued mood.

I feel fantastic. That was lovely. That was from, that was from Lexal. And would you guess what year it's from? If you're thinking 2021, yes. So we got two theme songs from Lexal.

We may have played this one before. It has been three years. But like we said, guys, we need more themes. That was beautiful. That was a rendition of the theme from Over the Garden Wall, which I love. It's one of my favorite shows. And Lexel says, threw together two well-bad theme songs,

seeing as how you're in a song drought and all that. Oh, look at that. Even three years ago. Some things never change. It's like California. The first one is a shout out to Over the Garden Wall, which I'm so glad Riley found and loved. The second is a call back to the Legoland app

where Jeff sang You Are My Lego Brick to the tune of Regina Vector Simpson. I don't remember that, but that's hilarious. Decided to put some meat on it. Okay, so we'll see. Maybe we'll play the next one. Maybe we'll hear the Lego one next. And Lexal also says, if you do end up using one of these i would love if you could plug my dnd discussion podcast

i just started called dungeons versus dragons we think that i hope that show is still going so thank you so much for sending that and guys theme songs we love them we desperate i cannot stress enough how desperately we need them review review show at g at gmail.com. Please. I'm begging you. I want to put a little thought in your mind right now. If you're listening at home. And her name is Riley. No, I want to put a little thought in your mind. Close your eyes.

Me? Sure. Think about how desperate we are for songs, right? Right now, that inbox is empty. Yes. You could, and I'm not saying you should, but you could record quite literally anything. Yes.

And call it a theme song. And it probably would be played. I mean, think about the people who have sent theme songs in during times when we had a backlog, you know? Think about Tyler's theme 100%. Think about the people who have sent theme songs in during times when we had a backlog, you know? Think about Tyler's theme songs. Think about Tyler, you know?

We play Tyler's songs. If we can play Tyler's songs, Right. Listener, we'll play yours. This is my ask for you. Give me a reason not to play Tyler's songs anymore. If we could keep the backlog

always at least a couple weeks ahead, we'd never have to play one of his. And I love Tyler. I love his song. And his song. Alf, we haven't recorded in a minute. Is that true? Yeah.

Has that true? Has that true? Well, true to form. What's new? Oh, well, I feel fantastic. I true to form what's new oh well i feel fantastic new babe i've never called you baby day in my life disgusting um i'm good i i i i how's your how's your um your tummy well my shitting and farting if you're musting at must ask um is supremely extreme um is it still i think things have taken a turn for the better um i would say but i would be lying if i said that the duck that i ate last night was a good choice but Oh my god. But I fancied Doug.

And look, when daddy fancies a ducky, nothing can be done-y. You know what I mean? You're the most disgusting person I've ever spoken to. Oh, I know. But the problem is I was so fucking hungry. Oh, I know. I had so many days where I couldn't eat anything

except like saltines. So now that I'm kind of okay again, I'm like. Oh, I know. I had so many days where I couldn't eat anything, you know, except like saltines. So like now that I'm like kind of okay again, I'm like boba, duck. I'm like all these foods which are like, it's a glass of milk with tapioca in it. Like I shouldn't be eating that with my stomach in the state it's in. With my duck. With my, wash down my duck. Duck washed down with boba. Mmm, delicious.

But enough about me. Oh, so I wish you wouldn't vape on the show. Can we talk about that? I was burping, not vaping. I know, but it looked like you leaned back. You put your fist up to your mouth. Take it a fatty rip. It did look like that.

I'm good. I'm good. I'm great. No way. Why are you saying that? Why are you doing so much better? Well, what's new? No, I'm good. My sister and nephew were in town for the week,

and so I got to spend some time with them, which was very, very nice. We had a lot of fun. We had a lot of fun. We had a lot of fun. Okay. No one doubted you. I mean that genuinely. It was great.

We went to the Santa Monica Pier today, which I haven't been. This is going to get very earnest. I haven't been to the Santa Monica Pier since I was like a teenager. But my sister, when I was my nephew's age, she took me there and we took photos together in like a little photo booth in the arcade. And so now today, us three, my nephews there and we took photos together in like a little photo booth in the arcade and so now today us three my nephew's eight we took photos together in the same photo booth so it was very very sweet um it was very fun we had a good time the pier is very cute i mean it's like it's it's i it's a great date spot it's a great family outing if there's a great date spot. It's a great family outing spot. If there's a nice gal, you know, and you don't want to take her to the homecoming. I guess Pierce feel old-timey to me.

What the fuck are you talking about? It does. No, it does feel old-timey. It does feel old-timey. It's like Back to the Future. What's your favorite thing to do in a book? Like, if you... When something feels like it's from the 1950s i say it's very back to

the future oh it's very back to the future yeah oh it's so it's really giving back to the future have you guys seen greece it's very back to the future um you were asking me something i was going to ask you a question and it was the question that i was going to ask was uh that the question was that i was going to ask is um uh what's your favorite thing to do with a pier? Ferris wheel. Bueller. Bueller. It's going to be the Ferris wheels.

It's going to go ahead and be the Ferris wheel. Ferris wheels popped off. We get on the Ferris wheel, and my nephew, I'm like, God, we are blood related. We get in the Ferris wheel. At first, they were excited, then they were nervous. And my nephew just goes, well, where are the seatbelts on here?

There should be seatbelts. I mean, if there was ever a doubt, you were related. I am your aunt, 100%. But the first thing we did. How tall is the one there? I do not have a unit of measurement for the Ferris wheel there. It was that tall, huh? No.

What do you mean? You don't feel confident eyeballing the Ferris wheel to Santa Monica? Take a guess. Take a literally- I don't fucking know. You were literally on it. I don't know what. I don't know the height.

You know how tall I am? No. Guess how tall I am. 40 foot. Two am 40 foot two six one thank you though and one and so how many me's was the ferris wheel that's what i'm sure that's gonna go ahead and be about give or take 15 16 alfred's okay so you think it was 15 or 16 no dude i don't fucking know i want your honest guess yeah How are you looking it up? Yeah, and I want to see how close you are. Okay, there's six one.

Okay, think about it. Think about it, right? I am. I can't help but think about it. A normal, like, a football field, right? That's like 300 feet. I hate this. So it wasn't a football field tall, probably.

I hate math. I hate this. Take a guess. Take a guess. Take a guess. Say a number. Otherwise, this bit will never end. This bit doesn't end. Fuck off.

Say a real number. Your earnest guess. That was real. No, you didn't think it was five foot tall. Fuck off. No, I meant five of you. Five me's. 30 foot.

You think it was only 30 foot tall. No, it was taller. I hate this. It was 20 Alfreds. Sorry, 20 Alfreds. So you think it was 100? I don't fucking know. No, 20.

Okay, now this is the real test. Can Alfred do mental math? No, so 20 Alfreds would be like 120 foot. Guess how tall Sanaka Pier is. It's going to be like 80. What is it? 130 feet. Shut up.

So... I wasn't that far off. See, trust your gut. You know what I mean? Women in STEM, like... What we were doing when we got to the pier, which then led to the topic of this episode is that we rode the famous carousel at Santa Monica pier,

which is so fun. They restored it. It's beautiful flying horses. They also have a pig and a goat. The goat is what I rode. And I had little tongue sticking out. The goat is what I rode. Alf called me while we were in line for the carousel.

That's true. That's how we came up with today's ep. Unlike all the other ones where we normally have like a really – A group tank, think tank, group tank. We have a group tank about what we're going to do today. Okay, Alf, talk to me about carousels well here's an interesting question for you what's the difference between it what's the difference between a carousel and a merry-go-round and a merry-go-round

same thing right when i was a wee boy i i loved one um i don't get to go on them anymore i don't think not allowed i don't think a grown man unaccompanied is really allowed to do that sort of thing. And for good reason. I mean, I'm not really complaining. But when I was a kid, there was a ice cream parlor, very back to the future. And there was a little Ferris, not Ferris wheel, fuck it, Al. There was a little carousel in there that I remember being absolutely massive, right? Like, dozens of animals.

Like, it took up the whole store. It was like this giant thing. Went back there, four horses. That's going to go ahead and be four horses. Dinky. I've seen merry-go-rounds on playgrounds regarding this fucking thing. And it just goes to show, you know, the mystery of life is the human experience of growing

butt big and then everything small. Would you go for, when you go on a carousel, do you go for the bench? Do you go for the sleigh? Do you go for the stationary animals or do you go for the ones that go up and down? I'm not thinking about any of that.

I'm thinking about one thing when i get on a on i get on a carousel what animal i like yeah right like if it turns out that like there's a bear right and i'm not just no and and it's uh doesn't move it's a stationary one that's fine with me right but then you know i'm riding the alpaca because that's the animal that was speaking to me that day and that like does fucking barrel rolls corkscrews flies up and down all over i'm fine with that too um you know i think i would want some in an ideal world my guy my favorite animal i would pick would also be moving independently of the circular motion going up and down it like kind of adds to the illusion right of like i'm galloping yeah you sort of went away for a minute man what's going on mentally you really spaced out you really hit me with that fucking thousand yards how long was your stare guess guess how many means was the stare i um i was thinking about i think when i was a kid i this is the first carousel i've ridden since i

was a child um when i was a kid i i also think that the animal I liked did trump, um, the movement. But on like today there was, you know, there are all these horses and then there was a goat with its tongue sticking out. And I thought, well, it did. But I also wanted to make sure that it would independently move because if it didn't do that, then for me, it's like, oh, well, it didn't do that then for me it's like oh well there's something else you know it's like i need um the thrill right um carousels are there's so many in this country and like they're all it's like all preserved or don't cry no it's

just like there's so many carousels in the country shouldn't have chugged that fucking diet coke before this podcast man you're gonna be burping the whole night through. The oldest stationary carousel in the world was built in 1780. Zootalore. The first steam-powered carousel was invented in 1861. Steam-powered.

Imagine. And then the oldest in the country was made in 1884, and that is still around. Steam-powered is fascinating. Imagine you get on a carousel, and there's just a guy shoveling coal into the steam boiler. There's also the different horses. The horses have different names on the carousel. There's a jumper, also called the gallopers, and those are the ones.

It usually has all four feet off the ground. The horses that move up and down are generally jumpers. A stander is at least three feet on the ground. And the king horses are usually standers. That's, you would be a stander. Should we get into it? Oh, let's set an intention. Yes, what's up with you today, huh?

Let's do one. This feels like the beginning of the episode released at, this is going to be the, I'm trying to think of the word. It's not sultry, and it's not cool. It's going to be the most aloof episode yet. Ooh. We're just so aloof. There's something about carousels that it's like, yeah,

I could sit on the jumper. I could sit on the stander. i'm still going around in a circle you know jumper stander and hardly we're still going on a circle at the end of the day you know we'll get to our destination all together so i guess it's you know um do you want to start or should i yeah um what did the nihilist use in the shower? What? An aloofa. I can start. This is a review for the Santa Monica Pier Carousel, which I was at today. And it is three stars from Alberto G. Okay.

Alberto. Great name. Three stars from Alberto. Great name Three stars from Alberto, great name Carousel with horses dot dot dot indoors Crossing the bridge next to a parking area we are welcomed by the historic building

that houses Santa Monica merry-go-round the horse carousel a true piece of history from the years of great appeal which has undergone a faithful renovation and for this reason still retains its charm. When the carousel is in operation, the 44 horses, each different from the other, together with a rabbit, a goat and two sleighs create an effect of great harmony. We would like to remember that. Unlike the others, the horses of the external circumference do not move

they are fixed there's something about um taking in the the harmony that is the carousel that it's like all these different species mostly horses basically just horses with two other kinds of animals and there's a deep harmony in that that i thought was like that that insight was very profound well and there seemed like alberto seems to have a kind of like the geometry of it you know the numbers the number of horses the symmetry like there's a sort of geometric fascination in the beauty of it you know um if you guys know Sunday in the Park with George, you know that it is George Seurat and it's very...

George Santos. George Santos. And he's obsessed with the Sunday in the Park painting and it's... I'm forgetting what the actual name

of the painting is. But it's like... It is Sunday on the Grand Jatte. Yes, it's a pointillism. It's like he has to get it right

and he's missing everything else in his life. He's missing all the loves and being present to his life because he's so obsessed with getting everything in this painting and i think that's like the energy of alberto being like 44 horses two goats three rams perfect circumference all in great harmony i have to create the perfect merry-go-round for generations to come, but the distribution of the animals has to be just so. They cannot have one species dominating the rest.

It does have to be horses, goats, pigs, rams, sheep together in harmony. A couple slays, they won't move. Some of the horses won't move either. They're going to be the kings. They're going to be the leaders. The standers. And the jumpers, well, I'll get to those in a minute. Okay, now I just have to keep... Alberto, Alberto. Alberto, it's me. Maggie.

Yes, I know who you are. What do you want? Sorry, I... You do remember, right? who you are. What do you want? Sorry, I... You do remember, right? It's Tuesday afternoon. Oh. The opera. I forgot.

It's alright. It's alright. I'm sure Bethany will go with me. It's no matter. Okay. Great. Have fun. Oh. Okay, so if there's three reindeer, well, then one of them has to have the red nose, but if I have the Rudolph the red nose on one edge of the circle, then I can't have it.

You did promise, though. Alberto, you... Oh, but you did just say that... You've missed before, and you did promise. I did promise that I would do my best, and after all, you said that a girlfriend of yours could accompany you. Now, isn't that nice? I hope you two have a wonderful evening.

Tell me all about it when you return. Well, it will be nice, but it would be nicer with you. I have to finish the merry-go-round. It's been three years. Al, it's been three years. It's not quite finished. It will tell me when it's done. And it hasn't made a peep.

How many more can you add? Well... It's like Noah's Ark on there, full to the brim, to the bursting with beasts. I can add an ox. And maybe a tortoise. But if I add a tortoise, which would be stationary, I'd have to add other amphibians as well. And I don't know if there's room for that,

so I could make the circumference bigger, and then I could add all different... Put that... Throw it off. Maggie, don't let me keep you up. If you want to go to the opera, go to the opera. I will. I will. Give my best to Amy, was it?

You know, Alberto, the great irony of your life, you spend so much time obsessed with your carousels that you forget that life keeps revolving going around without you.

Good evening. Maggie. Good evening, I said. Good evening! Maggie! Damn. I hope she comes back. At the opera?

Hi, Bethany. Oh, Maggie, darling, thank you for the last-minute invitation. I'm so sad that Alberta couldn't make it. Well, big surprise. It's fine. I'm glad you could come. Still working on the carousel? Oh, don't I know it, yes.

I mean, it seems to be every it, yes I mean, seems to be Every day now, I mean, it used to be What? He's missed three operas, a baby shower Two weddings, and a christening Don't forget the funeral, I know It's getting worse, I think And his own father, nonetheless He couldn't even show up for that

I know, I mean, and then, you know In the grand scheme of things It makes, you know, missing a performance of La Boheme seem immaterial, but... Better be one hell of a carousel. Yeah. Pardon my French. No, I mean, for all my quibbles with a man, you can't argue with this carousel. I mean, it's fantastic, it really is, and I... It's part of what made me

fall in love with him to begin with, but... But are your needs being met? No. Do you feel value... No. It was a quick no, Maggie. Well, I mean... Very quick no. Lightning speed. I think that's telling. It's incredibly

telling. Why are you with him, my darling? He's a genius. And I... I worry that without me he'll never finish. Hmm. And that's worth it to you? To stay? Well, you know what they say.

Behind every great carousel is a jilted lover. Supporting. They do say that. They do say that. Oh, sorry, it's starting. Hang on. Shh, shh, shh, shh. We'll talk it intermission. Wait, Maggie.

What? Maggie, if you aren't happy, shh. We'll talk at intermission. Wait, Maggie. What? Maggie, if you aren't happy, tell him. Oh, I can't. It's not that simple. Be direct. You don't know him like I know him. You can't just talk to him about your feelings. He'll get spooked.

He'll run away. I mean... Well, try. Well, try it. Take a new tactic. Maybe show up in your brassiere one day. I don't know. You show up in your brassiere one day. Oh, you're ridiculous. My brassiere.

Something to snap him out of it. How French of you. I'll be quiet, Will. You stop shushing us. You're being louder with your shushing than we are with our talking. Okay, okay. I'll try anything at this point. Brassiere.

And it doesn't have to. You don't have to latch on. It doesn't have to. I was just saying to latch on. It doesn't have to. I was just saying as an option to shock him a bit. Okay. Fine. Let me know how it goes.

I have nothing else going on in my life. How's your husband, by the way? He's dead. Oh, we should watch. No, I'm sorry. The aria is starting.

We should watch. Of course, of course. We should watch. Think of that three hours later. Oh, thank The aria's starting. We should watch it. Of course, of course. We should watch it. Think of that three hours later. Oh, thank God intermission's here. Oh, Christ. Oh, I... That first act dragged.

Dragged. Cut to later that night at the studio. Now that I've added the tortoise, oh, well, now everything's a mess. If I'm going to add the cats... No, no. Are they going gonna be jumping? Hello, Maggie? Yes,

I need a bit more time, and then I'll hear all about the opera, I promise. I just, I need to figure out where to put these cats. Is anything different about me? She's wearing horse-themed lingerie and a horse head. With one of the heads. Maggie, Jesus Christ on high, take the-

Oh my god, you scared the daylights out of me. Maggie, what are you doing? Takes the head off. That is our lead jumper. You have to put that back. How did you even get the- Maggie, that is so irresponsible of you. You know, that's the first time you've looked me

in the eye in months. Well, gosh. Maggie, you're wearing hardly anything at all. What's gotten into you? Thought I might give you a shock. Remind you what it is you're missing. Up here with your little carving tools and cogs and wheels. Maggie, you know this is my work, my passion, to bring a carousel to Rapid Falls. Let me ask you a question.

What does a carousel bring? Well, it brings joy, it brings wonder, it brings amusement, certainly. It brings harmony, when done just so, having all of the animals arranged in a particular pattern, going up and down, to and fro, but in a never-ending loop. But it will end, three minutes, four tops, and you will arrive back from whence you came. And what happens? A bit more joyful. What?

What happens when a little girl gets on with her ice cream cone and the ice cream falls off and now there's a chocolate stain on one of the horses? Oh, well, that is a great question. I've already told the attendant that no food or children will be allowed on the carousel. What happens when the attendant gets drunk and he accidentally drops a cigarette and one of the horses gets a burn mark on it?

Hmm? What happens when a worker with muddy boots takes his daughter to the carousel and, you know, the muddy boots get all over it? Like I've just said, children are not allowed, children and food are not allowed on the carousel, and, you know, the muddy boots get all over it. Like I've just said, children are not allowed, children and food are not allowed on the carousel. But that's the point. That's the point, Alberto.

Your carousel, it's not for them. It's for you. Of course it's for them. It's for people. It was never about Rapid Falls. It was never about the community, the spirit. It's for people. It was never about Rapid Falls. It was never about the community, the spirit. It's about you. Your ego.

Oh, come now, Maggie. I see now. I've been barking up a tree. The wrong one at that. For quite some time. Maggie, come along. No. You know when we got together.

You said that when we got together and we consummated our relationship, you said how much you loved my passion for what I do. Of course I did. How inspiring that was to you. It was and it is and it... Well, it will be. Forever, but... Just... No. No, Maggie!

From afar. Magatha, my darling, Magatha, no! You cannot leave! Magatha! I'm surprised you would even notice. Magatha, I... I... I care about you very much.

Unbelievable. What? You can't even say it. I literally am enamored with you, my darling. You cannot leave. You are my partner. Sad, man. Alberto, what if there was a fire tonight

in the studio? Stop it. Don't threaten that. Don't. You could only save one thing. Maggie, now you're sounding crazy. You're sounding hysterical. Your dear Maggie or your carousel? What are you, on your monthlies? What is going on with you?

Oh, Alberto, I mean... You know, you... on with you oh alberto i mean you know you well i wouldn't say you maggie because you are a human and you'd be able to run down the fire escape but my horses my doves my geese my pigs my turtles and my cats maggie no maggie maggie going to find a different man what What do I have to say to get you to stay? What do I have to say to get you to stay? What do I have to say to get you to stay? You have to say a magic spell. I'll say anything. That goes back in time three years and gives me the last.

A magic spell that goes back in time three years and gives me the last the point of bit you're that's what you told me to say you you said say a magic spell that goes back no i'm staying at bethany's for a while wait maggie i will say anything i thought that was what you love me you love me right're so, you are a child. A child with an incredible ability. Don't. Don't. Don't what?

You can see it in your eyes. You're going to start crying. Sad little man. I have, that's allergies, Maggie. Of course it is. You know I don't do that. No, I know. Maggie, I do, you know, feel that way. I'm over it.

I'm done. Goodbye. I'll see you in another life. Maggie? Maggie? If you ever want to come by the carousel, I designed one of the creatures with you in mind. You're a big source of inspiration for me.

It's the lead stander. I might just do that, Al. I might just do that. Cut to 40 years later. She's with her grandchildren. Come on, come all to the grand unveiling of Alberto Great Last Name's famous Rapid Falls Carousel. You know, I used to know him. That's right, Sammy.

Oh, you knew the guy who made the thing? Yeah. Okay. I'm going to take this one. I'm going to take this one. Look at him go. Guess he changed his mind about letting the kids on. She picked the ox.

Nice and strong. It's a shame he didn't live to see this see this day excuse me ma'am the ride's about to start would you like to get up we have the lead right here me i don't think oh no, no. The creator, before he died, he actually wrote out something very clearly. We're just pasting it up on the wall here. It says, Thanks to Magatha for everything.

Children and food will now be permitted on the Wheel of Harmony. That stubborn man. And Magatha, it reads, Go to row 16. The lead stander will be waiting for you there. That's a very specific engraving to have for this

carousel. I wonder who Magatha must be. Must be someone very special. She was indeed. Okay, row 14, 15. Oh, you crazy, crazy bastard. It's just a horse with a human face. Her face perfectly carved into wood.

In lingerie. You freaky, freaky man. I don't know how they let you do that. Let's do our next scene. Hey, would you like it if I read one? I would love it. This is for the Golden Carousel, Queenswalk, London. You're obsessed with London.

It's a hard knock life. This is from John W. John Wayne. John Wayne says, five stars. Magical at Christmas. Even though I normally hate street performers the ones there were even though i hate captivating this sorry go back this straight sorry i was just thinking about um scrooge oh scrooge i mean i don't mean scrooge who And by Scrooge, I mean, I don't mean Scrooge. Who the fuck am I thinking of?

Girl, I don't know. I mean, Scrooge does hate Christmas. That's who I'm thinking of. What the fuck? Never mind. That was what you fucking stepped on my review for? For you to go, Scrooge, no, yes. Magical at Christmas.

Even though I normally hate street performers, the ones there were rather captivating. That's it? That's it. About a carousel? Yes. I guess there are street performers there. So you picked a review for a carousel

that had nothing to do with the carousel and it was about street performers? There's only so much carousel content. One person can... I can do another if you don't like that one. No, no, no. Let's do that. No, no, no. We're gonna do the one about the street performers. No, let's do another one. No, let's do the one about

the street performers. Okay. Let's start a street performer scene. What the fuck? Okay. Here's one. Here's one for you. Let's start a street performer scene. What the fuck? Okay. Here's one. Here's one for you. Let's start a street performer scene. Okay.

So I'm a mime and I'm covered in fucking paint, right? Because that's what mimes look like. You're also a mime and we're like in a park, right? Okay. So that's the fucking setup. Okay. Okay. Right? Okay. And my mime. Yeah, and my perfect for mimes for yeah i know my mind is like eating an apple or something but like not a real one

and you're like and like you're don't tell me don't okay fine i'm eating the apple okay you're in the apple and i lean over all this is without words i lean over and i and i kind of mouth like any could save me some and i'm and then i fake laugh i do like the big belly laugh in the hand like oh and i'm like no this is just for me but i'm not joking i'm being serious i'm like don't want you to have any of the fake apple i reach over i pretend i grabbed the fake apple. I hate you really hard on the hand though. Like I slap your hand like way too hard. Like the people in the crowd are like uncomfortable with how hard I just hit your hand.

It's like, Whoa, I nurse it. I know each other like that. Oh, I still try to eat the apple. I, out of my pocket,

I take out a, I, I nurse my hand. I like give it a little kiss. I like really milk it for the audience and being like, ow, ow, ow. And then I, out of my pocket, I take out a banana and I pretend to, it's a fake banana. It's a mime. I pretend to peel it and then I start eating it and I go, oh, you know, all is well all is well he has an apple I have a banana my mind like I take the palm of my hand and I like

mime jam the banana in the back of your throat choke on it but I like I do it like a little hard and you're like oh everyone's laughing everyone thinks that like we're working together and that we've known each other. But I fucking hate you.

And I. My mind, like, fucking hates your mind. I choke a little bit. I look at you and I pretend, like, hot, like, spit really hard. Like, spit with a lot of velocity into your head. And people are, like, they're, like, rofflecoptering. They're, like, so. Right, right, right. They think it's the funniest thingtering they're like right i flip you off and i mean it like i really mean it like i want it to hurt the crowd goes silent and then i goes completely i spit for real on you i like like a fucking western spittoon just like

like right in the middle of your forehead. The crowd is dead quiet. Everyone's on bated breath like watching. They're like, whoa, he really escalated it. See what they did with that one. The fuckers. And I really take a long beat. I look at you.

I look at the crowd. And I start to cry for real fat tears rolling down my cheeks but no one can tell no one can tell if it's real they're like oh my god wait the makeup's like actually sad like getting fucked up because i am like but i'm not even like heaving i'm not like i'm like i'm just standing there like it's like a movie like stone face and fat tears rolling down my cheeks yeah like from a movie like from a movie okay i guess my mime is like feeling bad then looks to you like oh you really fucked up i guess like i'm for the first time all day we see like my mind like have a shred of humanity and i like pull out like a fake handkerchief, right? Like an air handkerchief.

And I reach over and I dab, dab your tears. And like the audience is like gasping because the tears are like actually going away, even though there's no real handkerchief. As you're doing that, I mime lick my finger, and then I mime giving you a wet willy and I stop crying. And the audience goes crazy. They're laughing so hard.

And then I hit you for real in the head. So hard. Closed fist. Just don't. And I like speak now. My mind like starts talking. He says, don't fucking do that. That's gross.

You could give me an ear infection. I'm like cowering. Oh my god. I'm miming like, whoa, I'm seeing stars. Like the little birds and stars flying around my head. I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa. And then I get up. I lick my other finger.

I do it in your other ear. And then I take a couple steps back in preparation that you might hit me again. And the audience is loving it. Now they're all laughing at ear mime. I'm still, my mime's given up. He's talking fully now. He's like, I said don't fucking do that. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Big belly laugh with no sound. And the audience is dying. All the kids are like, do it again, do it again. The audience is loving it. They think it's a bit. They think that it's a really good bit. I charge at you full speed and knock you to the ground. Your mime is fucking toast.

You sprawled on the ground. I'm standing over and I'm like, I said don't fucking do that. I mime punch you in the balls i for real collabs oh they all they're like everyone in the audience it's like it's now becoming a medical concern how much and how hard they're laughing because like they can't stop right they're like they're laughing so hard that it's like they actually don't find it fun anymore but they're scared how much they're laughing um okay i guess i throw up for real on the ground um but it's like it's like i'm i'm throwing up for real but there are ribbons in there like i just like maybe ate some ribbons yeah like a stick a dog would do yeah like around the house like a foreign object yeah like a dog would do yeah right like if you

left ribbons around the house then a dog and the dog would eat and then the dog threw it up it looks like that it looks like that okay and i'm like what the fuck man yeah yeah yeah pissed so like really mad i take out i mime a gun i mime a gun and i shoot a fake warning shot at right in front of one of your toes and then i do like the like to the smoke coming out of it i start screaming the audience is also very scared it's mimed because but also even if it's a fake gun but you did see like a bullet hit like the dirt below you like there was like a pop of dirt yeah i'm like whoa whoa man whoa man i didn't fucking mean yo it's not worth it man it doesn't have to be like this man like it's okay it's okay we're cool we're cool we're cool we're cool we're cool the audience is still laughing

but they don't want to be they're crying but not like laughing like oh my god i'm laughing so hard i'm crying it's like they're crying they're like please stop this this is my turf man that's all it was it's like this is where i i've been coming here for years i do my mom here every weekend you're a new guy i'm sorry i i was threatened i i reacted it's okay it's okay it's okay sorry man i'm sorry you can have it you can have this spot this could be your spot now i'll find another spot it's cool's cool. It's cool. It's cool. It's cool. We're cool. We're cool. Put the gun down, man. Put the gun down, man. Okay, man? I'd mind put the gun back

in my pocket. Fuck. Fuck. Okay. I walk over to you slowly. Shit. And I hold out my hand like waiting for you to put something in my hand. What are you... What is that? Money? Shake my head. You don't want money okay like

not my mining license i'm mine i'm mine like i'm hungry like i'm like rubbing my belly oh fuck he thinks i'm gonna give him this fucking apple come closer i like beckon him closer i come one step closer closer than that i'm holding out my hand and i shake my head i said no this is as far as i'll go i take a step closer i'm waiting i'm i'm i take out the mime gun again like i put my hands up i put my hands up and i point i point at my pocket. I'm like, you got to grab it. I nod my head. Yes.

I say, I'm not grabbing it for reach in there and get the apple. If you want it so fucking bad. I, I, I look into the audience and I see a teenage, a teenage girl who's laughing really hard. I give her the mime gun and have her pointed at you

to make sure that if anything happens, she'll get you. And she's laughing so hard, but she's like, okay. My mime's like, phew, I thought you were going to make her rabbit and I was going to go to jail. No, no, no, no, no. So I go a step closer. I hold my hands up too. That's all I have. We're holding up too. Like that's all I have.

We're holding our hands up. That's all I have. We're holding our hands up. I point at your pocket. Like the eyes like that one. Reach in there, man. Go in there. Grab it.

I put my hand in your pocket. Okay. Boom. Knife. Side. Stabbed. Fell for it. Fucking oldest trick in the book.

Fucking idiot. Girl in the book fucking idiot girl girl in the crowd gets so startled that she doesn't mean to pull the trigger i whip around block the bullet with your body i'm still alive i'm not dead no so i'm i'm i'm i'm taking out another gun fuck he had another one. You shoot it at your foot and I hit your foot. I go and I'm miming, tending to my side wound. We're cool, man.

We're cool. We're cool. I shake my head. No, we're cool. We're cool. We're even now. We're even now. I just had to get you back, man.

I'm my bazooka. You're serious? There's kids here, man. Come on. Come on. Collateral event. The audience is all dead. They've laughed themselves to death.

They're all dead. They've laughed so hard, they're all dead. Okay. Okay. I'm aiming the bazooka at you as I go around to the audience, and I'm just like, I'm like giving my blessing i'm like it's okay you can you can you're safe you're good i aim the bazooka at you i put up a finger i'm like wait i reach into my back pocket i grab an apple i look you dead in the eye i take one last big fucking juicy fucking dripping oozy goosey bite i shoot i explode into a million fucking pieces my mom's dead as hell

my mom is bleeding imaginary bleeding but it's for somehow real and um then i move on to the next city and so it goes yeah my mom stays like forever dead uh should we do another one you didn't yeah i mean yeah do you have time for one more yeah this is four stars this is for the flying horses which is the oldest carousel in the country oh you, you probably remember it being built then, huh? Yep. There is a review. I'm not going to use it, but it does say,

brings me back to my childhood. I'm like, how old are you? Didn't you say it was built like the 1800s? I'm sure 1886 or something like that. Screaming. Okay. Oh, so a big thing with this one is that there's also a game you can do

where it's like there's a like a game you can do where it's like there's a ring on the wall opposite the thing and like if you grab it then you're the winner but it's like you have to grab it as the thing is spinning so it's like people are trying to grab this golden ring as the carousel is going anyway carousels weren't fun enough already this is five stars from david p um david pangoliath david what panned goliath david panned goliath five stars remember this is oldest it's like it's with a bunch of other old-timey really back to the future style arcane oh Oh, nice. And five stars. Great for kids. Poor cell reception for adults, lol.

That's it. Trying to play fucking Candy Crush. All these kids on the carousel. Having a day out with your kids. Everything's great. But I can't um remove myself uh emotionally and so that's hard it's like i want and take part of me wants to be watching my kids play but a bigger part of me wants to be dissociating on my phone yes yes doom scrolling uh sir i hear those concerns but a big part of our park actually

is that uh on purpose we have no wi-fi because it's like you know we want it to be immersive uh to the point where you know in 1886 they didn't have wi-fi uh so it's really about we want to encourage um you to be present enjoy the park i hear you i hear you man i hear you i really do um you're just doing your job, right? Yes. And I love it. God, I mean, best job in the world. Can I tell you what? Best job in the world. Probably not, but yeah, I mean, I'm sure you'd like it.

I'm just doing my job too, man. I'm just trying to pay the bills. I mean, how the hell, you know, these tickets, you guys, you don't fucking charge 1839 prices or whatever i'll tell you that much um so i gotta make the money somehow right you're with me right sure so how do you think it is a sunday right oh sorry you think the whole world doesn't work on sundays right well i'm just saying uh from what i would imagine if you're the breadwinner you know you got to take Sundays off.

The bus pulls up, you say to the bus driver, holy shit, you're working on a Sunday? Sir, I don't, please, tone down the language. I'm a pastor, if you must know. So yeah, I work on Sundays. I didn't know pastors made that much money. Well, if they're good at it, they do. Oh, okay, great. Well, listen.

Got a pretty big flock. You're only here for so many hours with your kids. Thank you. So why don't you just enjoy? That wasn't a compliment or anything. Why don't you just enjoy the time? I'm trying to. There's kind of a situation at the church right now, you know,

and I'm trying to deal with it, right? Okay? Service was not smooth this morning, and I'm trying to deal with it, right? Okay, service was not smooth this morning, and I'm trying to deal with it. So and I thought I could bring my kids here, keep them entertained, you know, take their mind off of everything. And I could focus on crisis management. But apparently, you guys haven't heard of a Verizon signal booster. Well, I like I'm saying, sir,, we have different jobs. Our job here is to ensure that people are really not spending time on their phones. So if you knew there was going to be an issue at work,

that's on you. You must have a room. Well, of course, we have stuff available because we work here. Can I go to the room? No, sir, you cannot. Unbelievable. Sir, I just operate the carousel. You don't need to be taking these kind of things up with me. But you talk to my manager, they'll tell you the same thing.

They will tell you the same thing. Then go get them. I'll go get her. I said them. Go get em. No, you didn't. I did. My church is very progressive.

Marlene! Marlene! We got some guy about the Wi-Fi. Oh, God. Another one talking about the Wi-Fi. Hello. We don't have it. Thank you.

Enjoy the carousel. You're Marlene? You're asking? Sorry. What are you, the IRS? Sorry. I knew another Marlene. That's nice.

In a different life. Get on the carousel and then get off and then go home. Spaghetti? Never mind. Yeah. Oh, she's my favorite housewife. I remember when she joined the franchise, I was so excited to have another Marlene on television.

Another Marlene on television. You don't see many. Who are the other Marlenes on television? You don't see many. Well, I was on the local news once, so I consider myself the first Marlene on TV. You seem like a really, you seem like a bright light. I didn't win the science fair, but I was in a 10-car pileup outside of the science fair. And so that is why they interviewed me for 17 seconds.

I don't think you should have been driving. Who said I was driving? Oh, I guess that's fair. Look, I've got a crisis going on, okay? And I just was saying to, what was your name? Max. I was saying to Max, more like Min, here that I have an important crisis that I'm supposed to be dealing with. And Max won't let me use your cell phone room or whatever.

Oh, it's off limits to guests. Max is just doing his job. How much? How? What was that move you just did with your hands? It was a hint. How much money? Yes.

Are you bribing me? If you wanted me to be. And Marlene, this man is a pastor. I just want you to know. Oh, why it's Sunday? What are you doing at the world's oldest carousel i thought it would be a nice treat clearly i was wrong well if there's a crisis shouldn't you go deal with it i'm trying to deal with it remotely we decided that it would be better if i wasn't you don't care that much

about your job no i care very or his family i care how dare you how well you're trying to be on your phone all the time sir there are emails flying him that i'm trying to deal with right now it seems like he doesn't really want to be present to either thing yeah it seems like he doesn't want to be here with his family but he also doesn't want to be at work. Aiden. What do you care about? Aiden, we're going. Get your sister.

We're going. No, Dad. I haven't even gotten to ride the ox. I know, but unfortunately, Max and Marlene over here had different plans.

So he cares more about the job than the kids. He doesn't care about his kids at all. That's very apparent. He's going to rip them away from a day of fun so that he can deal with whatever is going on. All of God's

children are my children. Okay. That doesn't mean anything. I hope you have a... Sorry. So you're God? He created us in his image, did he not? You're a bad pastor.

I am hearing that a lot lately. May I ask, what's the issue at the church? You may not. Is it a cash thing? It certainly is. Okay. Does it involve you directly absolutely that's why all the emails i think he's stealing money they're trying they're trying to fuck me yes sir you have to leave I built that place from nothing.

And now they are trying to fuck me. Sir, you have to leave now. We were all in on it. Everybody was skimming from the top. Okay? It wasn't just me. Now they're trying to put the whole fucking thing on me. I said, fuck you.

So I came here. Dad. They don't know I'm here. I'm just trying to upload some documents, okay? It'll show you the truth. It'll show you the truth. It'll show everybody the truth. Okay, sweetie. Daddy's going to go away for a while.

Probably. Probably going to go to jail for quite a while. Hopefully, hopefully Uncle Pete will also be in jail. So that'll be a fucking blessing, won't it? Rat fucker. Cut to three years later he and uncle peter sharing a cell i don't know why they put us together i said it was um room you look good i wish i could say the same. Bet you do.

You look tired. I am. Prison is tiring. You look poor. I am. They took everything. Took everything. Because it was illegal that I had it. Why'd you take it? Greed? I wanted nice...

I wanted more money and it seemed like the easiest way to get it was to take it and I didn't think that I would get caught and I was because somebody ratted well they said plea deal

and so I told them everything. But then they said, psych. And they showed that their fingers were crossed. And so then I'm like, oh, the egg's on my face. You didn't sign anything before you told them? No. Why? Because they said we promise.

Yeah. God, I don't know. I don't know why. And so then I thought thought oh well they're if they promise they're not gonna break that yeah are you mad at me no honestly really because you seemed upset i am upset i never said i was at me no not anymore i was three years ago fuck i you and me in this cell right now three years ago would end the whole different story but but honestly now i'm mad at myself i i

i mean it goes back to your question right why'd i do it i don't know right i had a fine life i had a wife i had kids you know i had a i was a pastor of a small, but, you know, tight-knit, dedicated. No, but, you know, we got by. Lucrative church. It was lucrative, yes. And then you came along. Because you took all the money. No, this was before I took the money.

I don't know why I'm even talking to you. Then I came along and helped. Helped, yeah. That's what you did. You helped. Helped me. You're still mad at me. I can feel it. Helped the help the feds i'm not i really am not mad at you i'm i'm i made peace with it i you know pd it's been three long years i i actually um if you were me you would have done the same thing i

honestly who knows i mean i i'll never i'll never know you know and maybe that's true i've um you know the last three years i've actually found religion in here um you didn't have it before not honestly no not really i thought i checked out i thought i did right i thought i did i didn't and did you even think that honestly i don't think i thought about it yeah that's what i thought i think i took it for granted that i did yeah but i didn't but now i do and i think i've learned to forgive you so you think you have or you did for sure i'm not sure okay but you weren't even think so. Right. So you weren't even, you were lying about that. Everyone's lying to me, which is very interesting.

Have you found anything in here? I'm interested by that. Have you changed? Have you been changed? I guess I'm a little bit more aware of my surroundings and that things aren't always as they seem. That is a positive, I think. Because, you know, the feds, they said, we promise you will be good.

And then they didn't hold that up. Did your sister ever visit? Our sister? You were my brother-in-law, buddy. Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess it's confusing because it's like, if then I'm your brother, wouldn't she also be your sister?

No. So then why do we call it brothers-in-law? Because then it's like, your parents are my parents too? No, buddy. Because if my parents are your parents-in-law. That's true. So then she would also be your sister. No, because she was my wife.

I know, but then why do we call it that? I don't know, man. I really don't know. She doesn't visit me. That's all I'll say. She visits me. I'm glad. She...

Is she doing okay? Yeah, she baked me something and was like you know if you there's a key but i didn't believe that so i told her to leave it where did she leave it she brought it home because she brought it home with her because i told her stop lying i don't like that you should be nicer to her she's a really good she told me not to talk to you anymore. Honestly, sage advice. But I have nothing else to do.

I'm going to stop talking to you. No. No. No. Come on. I am, buddy. No. Yeah, this is bad for me.'ve been what have what have i even i've been

doing a lot of work and this is i feel like you're taking me back what did i do to that place where i needed to take the money to feel whole and i just because you don't like me yes honestly and you remind me the things i don't like about myself in the past and I'm really about the future now. So respectfully, for the next however long we're in this cell together, let's just... So you are mad at me. So you are mad at me. Guard! Guard's like, it sounds like you're mad at him. Fuck's sake.

Should we do our last segment? I got it! This shook me all week long. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

I have one. What's your dirty little secret? My dirty, stinky little secret. Oh, no. Oh, I'm sorry. It is that i've started playing fallout which one four interesting do you like i do i like it so much so that i thought boston what boston boston uh

i like it so much so that I played being like, I'm just going to play for like half an hour. I just wanted to start it because then Daniel and I had someone to be. Wouldn't you know I play? Suddenly I'm like, why did my eyes hurt? It was two hours. I was playing for two hours. You're such a crazy gamer.

It's very fun. And I'll tell you, I started it because the Xbox. I started it because the trailer. I started it because the trailer. I've seen the posters for the Fallout series. Oh, for the TV show, yeah. Which I've heard is very good. And the lead actress, I'm forgetting her name, but she's in Yellow Jackets and I love her.

Betty Davis. So I'm like, you know what? Nope. And I want to start Joan Crawford. And I wanted to start playing. And they had a deal on Xbox I think the game itself was $39.99 got it for $9.99 probably because it was like stealing probably because it was um at the time of release of the series that they're like let's well these fuckers want to play but

here's what's shaking me none of no one told me there was a dog in it oh yeah no one told me that there's a dog in it so no one told you there was gonna be a dog is that like you know you get out of the the the vault and then there's a dog and then that dog is your friend and dog follows you around forever and now i well that's exactly right and the thing is at first i was alone i was a rogue agent i'm trying to find my son my husband was killed i'm trying i'm trying to just make it in in the wasteland but now i have a dog with me and i love me as riley i love dogs so much that even this fake ass pixel dog i am scared for its well-being and so now i feel like i have another responsibility in the game maybe leave the dog somewhere like i leave the dog i like we're going somewhere and i tell the

dog to stay and i want to make sure it's okay. Does the dog have health points? Can the dog die? I believe so. That's horrible. I think so, yes. I think the dog can die. That's horrible. Because now, because I don't want the dog to leave. Someone need a fact check.

It's been a long time since I played that game. I don't want the dog to leave, but I also don't want the dog to die. I like having a little buddy. Yes, I think he... But it's not going to be the same one. Maybe he doesn't die. Maybe he doesn't die.

Maybe he can't die. Because I was in a battle with somebody and he started attacking the dog and the dog helped me kill the guy. But I don't know if the dog can die because the dude was hitting the dog. I mean, if he was hitting it, it can probably die, right?

But that's what I was thinking. But what? The dog cannot die oh thank god oh thank god that is huge for me because now i feel like i can play for myself and i don't have like a child with me yeah cannot be killed that is meat cannot his name is dog meat apparently that's his name that's amazing fallout wikipedia um also i'm such a scared weenie baby that at first oh look at him at first when the when the giant cockroaches if you guys have not played fallout this is so not interesting when the giant cockroaches come come out at first when you like get out of the chamber.

Scared the shit out of me. And I was playing in like first person point of view. I had to then start playing like- Third person. Third person because it was too scary for me. When they like really fun at you, they're like. Anyway, so I'm having a really good time. I love the old timey music.

It's very back to the future. Yes. So I'm really liking it and I'll probably play more tonight. I'm having a blast and I'm excited to see the series. Hell yeah. I've always I've always wanted to play because I really like the aesthetic of like the retro futurism. I really like that.

That's very fun and appealing to me and I'm having a good time and people have warned me that I would have a crush on Ghoul. People, which actually, like, I saw the trailer for the show, and I'm like, that looks really fun. And then I think either in the Discord or on Reddit. I think it was on Reddit. Someone posted Ghoul and was like, Riley's going to want to, Riley's going to have a crush on him.

And then I said, I'm going to start playing. And someone responded, you can fuck him in the game. And so. Come on now. I'll probably have a crush on him, knowing me. Anyway, that's what's shaking me is Fallout. Very fun. If you guys have any recommendations, I'm starting with four.

Because that's what I've read, that that's one of the better ones. But if you guys have any recs on what ones i should play next i mean i loved new vegas i played okay i played new vegas i played three i um played the original two a long time ago now um they're great games man it's great where does new where does new vegas fall in the timeline of in the timeline i mean i'm sure someone out there is like when was it released new vegas i think i want to say it was 2010 it was before fallout fallout 4 is the most recent one i think except for didn't they do like a- 76. Yeah, like the MMO one.

What's MMO? Massively Multiplayer Online Gaming. You're a nerd. Yes. Yeah, I think New Vegas was like 2010. Three was like 2007, something like that. But I think they hold up. I mean, they're really fun.

It's such a kind of fun premise right like yeah the the aesthetic of it is so appealing like the kind of retro futurist kind of stuff is so yeah so everything i just said yeah so yummy everything so everything i just said yeah right yeah so i'm just trying to like fucking validate you um i will say i saw a clip clip of, like, from the show of the bomb, like, starting to be. That, my existential dread and anxiety, it was very hard. Very hard. Even in the beginning of the game when it's, like, the bomb's up and dropping. You're seeing, like, the news. That scared the absolute shit out of me.

It is creepy. Yeah, I hate it. It's creepy for sure. What's been shaking your ass ass i don't want to sit i don't want to um that was kermit not peter um um what's been shaking your ass uh well uh i watched the three body problem netflix adaptation um it's really good i enjoyed a lot i tried to listen to that book on audiobook many years ago and it was completely fucking impenetrable um but it couldn't get fucking anywhere into it it was so confusing

um i don't know why i found it so confusing because on TV, I was very followable. But yeah, it's a good show. If you like little sci-fi stuff. So yeah, had to recommend. I did not watch it, but I feel like I did because I watched Trixie and Katya's drag queens who like to watch. That's funny.

Their commentary on it, which that is a show that I, through them watching it, I'm like, I would not like this because again, my existential dread of like, I think you really wouldn't like that part of it for sure

there's a lot of that oh my god well you can actually if you want more existential dread you can follow alpha on Instagram at Alfred in it the show on Instagram at review review reddit r slash review review and we are on discord review review and Jeffrey James and I we do have

a patreon patreon.com slash James and I, we do have a Patreon, patreon.com slash Riley and Jeff, where we do monthly Zardes. That's a Zoom party, and they are so fun, you guys. We just have a blast. Every month is a different theme, and it is just, we have a great community there. Come hang out with us. You said that like there was going to be something else. Nope.

And you can find Riley on Instagram.com just the web browser not the phone app at Riley and spa and on Twitter.com now known as XXXXXXXX .com for as long as it lasts at Riley Coyote and as we say every single week on the show we're always saying it we are never

not saying it what we're saying is that we're miming eating apples right now saying it. We are never not saying it. What we're saying is that we're miming eating apples right now. That's what's going on. As we say every week. We'll see you next time. Bye.