Review Revue - Celsius

Episode Date: January 16, 2024

This week Reilly and Alf are poisoning us with more lethal dose of content while reading reviews on Celsius!>>>>><<<<<Follow at:IG: @reillyanspaugh @alfredinnitTwitter: @reilecoyote Join the discord here!Produced by Daniel Ramos @SchubirdsAdvertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Get the Angel Reef Special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? At participating restaurants for a limited time. This new office upgrade is insane, you guys.

I know, it's crazy to have like a dedicated kitchen. I know. We still don't have any cash, but, you know. I just want to munch on your guys' box. I'm fucking sorry. Poor whore. Poor whore. Poor whore.

Poor whore! Whore whore! Whore whore! Did you come in the whore whore? I haven't seen you in two years and the first thing you said to me is that you want to munch my box. Wow. That was so aggressive. That was like... Fancy. Okay, here's the thing.

This is from Fancy Octopus. Fancy, you have sent songs. I will... Song. Was it fun? Was was it experimental yes was it a song that you sent for this podcast that has nothing to do with this show yes but is related to the snack sketches on the head gum youtube channel. Yes. Did it sound like a deleted scene from Birdman? He said, I feel like this captured the snacks vibe. It did.

It did capture the snacks vibe. Has nothing to do with this podcast. Did they? And I loved it. Was that drumming Fancy Octopus? I don't know. Because that was great drumming. I hope so.

I hope it was too. It was great drumming. I thought you were going to say, I thought you were you were gonna say was that drumming part of the snacks videos was that just a clip someone sends in a a review jesus christ somebody sends in a theme song and it's just a clip from a headcount sketch just unedited audio and in many ways um the unexpected virtue of ignorance. You know what I mean? What's that?

That was a subtitle for Birdman. Oh, that's right. Birdman was one of those movies. How are you? We're doing a nighttime record. Fuck it. I'll say it. I'll say it. We're doing a nighttime record.

I don't feel great. I don't feel terrible. I don't feel great. I would put it at a three. I guess that sounds, I guess I'm terrible. That's pretty bad. No, I was cold until we did the ads and now I'm sweating profusely. It's always temperature with you every time.

Like, how are you? Did you ever have a lizard as a pet? No. No, I don't know why I asked. Did you? No, I didn't actually. So then. But you know, did you ever have like a lizard as a pet no no i don't know why i asked did you no i didn't actually so then but you know did you ever have like that's surprising now that's surprising did you ever interact with a lizard just answer the question did you ever interact with a lizard you started

drinking again no did you ever interact with a lizard with a lizard have i ever interacted with a lizard like a pet lizard did you ever have a fucking friend? With a lizard? Have I ever interacted with a lizard? Like a pet lizard. Did you ever have a fucking friend or a fucking teacher or some shit that had a lizard? Have you ever had a lizard encounter? Have you ever had a strange encounter, the lizard kind? What's the point? You know how they need the heat lamp? The heat lamp?

They're obsessed with temperature. Long walk up a short bridge. what's the point you know how they like need the the heat lamp the heat lamp like they're obsessed with temperature long walk up a short bridge they're cold-blooded they need a heat lamp have you ever met a leopard lizard they need a heat lamp what are you talking about i can't record i can't do this not right now um no it's a crazy energy we have in the zoom studio today but what else is new with you other than you were hot and now you're cold or whatever i'm fucking terrified because my first thought is talk about the weather terrified and you're gonna roast me for that if i say it was snowed here today have you ever had an interaction with a lizard? It was snowed here today. Here's a question. You are unwell.

Have you ever met a girl that you tried to date? Yes. What? Took a year to make love. She wanted you to wait. Let me tell you a story about my situation. I was talking to this girl from the U.S. nation. It's Bismarck-y.

I have a cold. Oh, no. I have a cold. Are you all right? Yeah. Sounds like you need a heat lamp. Because she's cold, bitch. Get her a heat lamp.

No, I have a cold. It feels so analog to have a cold. It's not COVID. I was on the phone with you the other day. What's new? I was on the phone the other day, and you go, are you OK? And I said, I'm sick. And you go, you sound fucking awful. And you did. And you did. And and you did and you did and what's odd I did do I sound better you do actually

okay what do you I feel what do you chalk that up to the saline spray I started saline spray today literally 10 minutes ago we've been on the phone three separate times today yes um the saline spray certainly helped I don't know why it took me five days to do it. I've been drinking a lot of Gatorade, but having a lot of vitamin C. I've been having a lot of vitamin C. And what form does that take? Gummies. Okay.

I've been having vitamin C gummies, and then also it's like these little sachet packets with like a lot of vitamin C. The fizzy ones, the ones that fizz up in the drink. No, not emergency. It's kind of like a goop. Sorry? It's like a vitamin C gel that you put in your drink. Oh, I kind of don't like that. No, it's not good.

Does it dissolve? It has a lot of vitamin C. No. I just kind of hold my nose. Oh, yeah. Fistful of Jell-O and a glass of water. Yeah, it's bad. But there's a lot of vitamin C.

What was I going to say? i don't know man i'm not you it doesn't matter okay sure what was i gonna say i'm sick you're sick i have a cold it's not covid saline spray analog saline spray oh i'm inadvertently uh doing dry january because i have a cold that's interesting um i wasn't planning on doing dry january but because i'm i'm sick i'm not drinking and i'm like honestly so brave i guess i'm doing jai are you i heard a story one time about this is a this is a genuine medical condition where you can get careful with me careful this is real where you can am i gonna spiral no is my little no way you can get a sort of it's like a yeast infection almost in your stomach such that your own stomach your own digestive system starts producing alcohol

so that you your own you're a brewery your own body turns into a brewery and you're like getting yourself slightly drunk constantly your own body is and okay as a sober person sometimes i have days where i go i know i'm not drunk i know i didn't have you're like oh am i a brewer i know how to sip i know i'm gonna of alcohol, but I'm slurring my words. I feel dizzy. And I taste like hops. And the only condition, the only medical condition that can make you dizzy or slur your words is alcohol. That's only a condition.

It's hot in here. Do you feel like it's hot in here? Oh, my God. No, I'm not where you are is it weird to be back that makes me look like muzzy i'm wearing a green fuzzy sweatshirt and i feel like muzzy high heels on my muzzy are you is it weird to be back in person no opposite is it weird to be on the oh my god you are a brewery can we take a minute no okay you know you're right we have time um it feels normal to be back on zoom that's great for you i miss being in person it was so fun was it no it was it was um have you ever met our topic today also can make you feel a little crazy like i'm feeling a little

crazy it can make you feel on top of the world it can make you not feel like a brewery i think it can make you not i should print that put on the fucking can it can make you not feel like a brewery oh we're talking c Celsius energy elixir. Is that what it's? Is that seriously what it's called? No, it's just Celsius. No, I said elixir. Oh, have another drink of green elixir.

That's from Wicked. And you are. Oh, my God. Alf, have you ever had a Celsius? Never. Never? I've had a Fahrenheit. No, I've never had a celsius they're all the rage all the rage all the girls are drinking them here's the thing i thought all

of my tiktok girlinas are drinking celsius i'll tell you what in my head before we did this did you what did you get thermometers only in celsius is that what you have the reviews for today no do you i only have reviews for ray bradbury's fahrenheit 451 oh my god um i thought wouldn't it be fun if to like if i like taste tested one you know what i mean on the podcast or like i drank one tenacious the podcast so that i had you did i did not that could explain my behavior but unfortunately i did not have one and so why did you tell me that you were because that would have been great of like you know what i hadn't had i know it would have been good that would have made the show a thing for once but i didn't yeah but the reason i'm telling you that is the reason i didn't do that is because i started

reading the reviews and they scared the shit out of me because i don't know they actually made me feel better that's really interesting because some of the reviews i saw said things like i normally drink like 32 ounces of black coffee a day just to feel normal and i had half a can of this and my heart exploded normal people scare me see all the reviews i've been seeing is that it's like it doesn't give you the i saw one review it's like uh it doesn't you're the only energy drink to not give you a fifth um but that it's like it's a mellow come down and um but it does have a lot of caffeine I've never had it coffee doesn't a lot of people are are you an energy drink replacing at all no I I like coffee I remember same having energy drinks in middle

school when I wanted to be cool and hyper. I would have a monster. Sorry. I'm so hyper right now. Remember that phase? Everyone's like, oh, it was like the kid equivalent of being a drunk. It's like, I'm so hyper, you guys. I'm sorry.

I'm so hyper. It was the kid equivalent of being a drunk. No, being drunk, not being a drunk. I thought you said being a drunk. It was the kid equivalent of being a drunk. Yeah, no, it's really sad. It's like, it's like Mr. Smith. That kid is a drunk.

Mr. Smith like comes into math class and like, I can tell he smells like Red Bull. Like, it's like really tragic. No, it's the kid equivalent of like being drunk because I'm so hyper. It's true. Sorry, I just had, I'm so hyper right now. No, but I'm not an energy drink person. No, I was not in like middle school in the 90s. You ass.

Fact checker. Anyway, I have never had it. I don't think I will. I like. You haven't had any energy drinks since middle school. No. Me ever. No. You've never had one ever? No. Me, ever. No.

You've never had one ever? No. Really? That's surprising. No, when I used to drink, I would occasionally do like a vodka Red Bull or something. So you have had one. So you just said you've never had one, but you have had many. No, not true.

Okay, first of all, I said occasionally, so. But more than one. Sure, more than one, but that doesn't mean many. Okay, but you just said I've never had one. Maybe six in my whole life. You just said you've never. You went from none to six. I don't think a vodka Red Bull counts as having an energy drink.

100% it does. 100% it does. Oh, no, no, no. Alcohol plus caffeine? Yeah, they can't sleep together out. No. I've never had one deliberately as like. That's not true.

I've never. You mean you accidentally tri That's not true. I've never. I mean, you accidentally tripped and ended up with a black bread roll in your hand. I don't know how I got behind the wheel. No, I was just saying like during like. What is the truth? Like, you know, when you're like 13 and you first are like so tired all the time and you like have to have like some stimulant to keep you awake. When you first are so tired all the time.

You know when you're 13 and you start to be tired all the time and it's decades later and you're still tired all the time. No, but your hormones, your growth spurts, your yeah, yeah, yeah. By that time, I was already really- 75.

Enjoying coffee. Like I- That's crazy. i liked coffee from a young age and so you are a strange man yes i have never disputed that i have never once intimated to be normal don't use that tone intimated to be normal birdman the intimation of normalcy um i but no so i always like coffee so it's like energy drinks i was like i don't know i would rather have a coffee you know what you mean your face you're like why do i do this show why do i know this man here's the thing i have had an amount of cold brew to where i feel like I might as well have had an energy drink. Today? No, no, no.

In my life. Yes. Energy drinks. But. Have you ever done a. Energy drink. It just feels like too much for me. I don't know.

And I don't know the difference of like the amount of milligrams of caffeine in a cold brew, say, compared to a Celsius. I think there's honestly probably more caffeine in a cold brew say compared to a celsius i think there's honestly probably more caffeine in a cold brew now that's interesting but the celsius also has guarine in it what is that i don't know but it's another chemical that they put it but it's like a stimulant from nature like caffeine is okay and see like there was one review that was like there's so much caffeine i had to only drink half of it and put it in the fridge to save the other half that's what i was saying some of the reviews were scared me i think we should get into it but first guys thank you for holding us accountable we have not been doing intentions lately oh we got really excited in person but thank you for holding us accountable and that's why we love you and that's why we appreciate you

listening because like you're not afraid to call us out you're not afraid to say oh they didn't do an intention you're not afraid to say alf does so many vague european accents bordering on not on this you're not afraid you're not alf did ask me to hold him accountable to not do one this episode every and i this is a this is a promise i'm happy to make right now so we'll see where we're at at the end. I'm excited. No European characters. None. None. Okay.

And Britain doesn't count because they left the EU. So we could do like an English accent. We already decided our intention for this episode. We texted about it. Alf said, let's get loopy. Oh, God. And that honestly feels right. Loopy.

I mean, we're off to a fucking oopy, oopy star's a yes for me as well uh trick let's get loopy what tricks loot fruit fruit loops of four tricks same Fruit Loops of Fortrix. Same. Fruity Pebbles? Yes. Yes. Cocoa Puffs? Yes. Eh, could take or leave.

For me, it's a yes. I would say Before Tricks. Absolutely. Yes. Cinnamon Toast Crunch? Yes. Biggest yes. Probably the top.

Honey Nut Cheerios. Middle of the pack, maybe. Yes. Whole G whole grain cheerios the multi-grain cheerios no higher somehow for me what i know that's crazy indeed um raisin bran yes huge yes uh uh captain crunch pretty high but not the highest no No, now, but as a child, yes. Absolutely. Destroy the roof of my mouth. When I was a kid, I thought that's what God looked like. Reese's Puffs. Reese's Puffs.

Peanut butter chocolate cravings. Yes. Yes. Yes, but still probably not the highest. Cookie Crisp. No. As a child? Holy shit.

But now? I have a vivid memory. No, now no. Now I'll just eat a bowl of cookies. Yeah. As a child, I remember I have a vivid memory of going to the grocery store with my mom, begging her. Begging, hands and knees.

Like literally, I'm begging her. And I'm like, if you let me get this one time, I will never ask again. I swear to God. I will be the perfect child for the next 18 years. And she said yes. And I think it was too sweet for me. And I'm like like i don't need to have it again thank you so much and that's actually a really important lesson in parenting that i've learned is to say yes to your child's demands every single time i'm so sorry i'll be right back i'm so sorry Sorry, Daniel. What's happening here is that Riley is getting a delivery she needs to go get from her front door.

I am going to dress like Lois Griffin, so get ready. Sorry, Daniel. That was a TikTok if you heard that, but I'm sure you just cut all this out. Two minutes, my ass. I'll start us off. A loop. You go loopy-doopy. A loop-de-loop.

A loop-de-loop and Loop-de-loop and pull. Loopy-doopy. Okay, here we go. This is four. All my reviews are four. Celsius Assorted Flavors Official Variety Pack. Functional Essential Energy Drinks 12 Fluid Ounces Pack of 12. This is for flavor.

Sparkling Orange. Four stars. From Boji G. for flavor. Sparkling orange. Four stars. From Boji G. Boji Joby. Boji Joby. Four stars. The title is Taste Did Not Please Everyone.

My daughter felt the orange flavor did not taste orange, but my son disagreed. He drank them, so I was satisfied. Hit me with that one more time. Play that back. Play that back one more time for me. My daughter felt the orange

flavor did not taste orange, but my son disagreed. He drank them, so I was satisfied. Okay. Sounds like you're reviewing your family. Not the product, so I was satisfied. Okay. Sounds like you're reviewing your family. Not the product. What my daughter thinks? I don't care. I don't care. As long

as Johnny drinks them, I'm happy. Also, nothing fucking tastes like oranges. What? No orange-flavored thing tastes like oranges. Nothing tastes like oranges. You didn't say no flavor. You just said nothing tastes like oranges you didn't say no flavor you just said nothing tastes like oranges the listeners at home knew what i meant you've never had a lollipop you've never had a gatorade any candy that was orange that tasted like actual oranges

lisa you've got 30 more seconds on the clock honey if you want to give a good enough argument as to why the sparkling orange flavor is not up to your liking or your standards now's the time to do it because johnny's next and uh he seems to be licking his chops ready to go aren't you big man aren't you big man i just don't i don't yeah i don't understand why you would buy it when i've made it pretty clear that like i i don't like orange flavored stuff and and okay and and and and and and and and when we go to mom's house she never ever buys this stuff and and i think that she you know she kind of listens a little better times up sarah honey love you that was really really well executed you made some very

good points about it no i thought that was fantastic hey compared to the to the uh debate you gave about tricks having tricks in the house this was so much better than that your speaking skills have really grown your oratory skills are skyrocketing you're learning how to make points and i'm really proud of you thanks um what about the drink though well now it's time to hear your brother's side because your brother is downing these like a madman one an hour he's taking i think that's too many i think maybe you should he loves the stuff johnny it's time to hear from you a lot of people like thanks dad sarah i love you but the men are talking i love okay father here we go i think these

are delicious they taste like orange i feel like i am in a florida orange grove i'm squeezing the juice into my open maw and i am just squeeze squeeze squeeze downing downing downing the amount of stuff i get done in a day dad you wouldn't believe you oh well hit me with it you would not believe i get up The amount of emails I send. You've never seen so many emails in your life. Who are you sending emails to? You're 18. Job application after job application after job application.

I'm ready to get out of the nest. I'm ready to spread my wings with this orange stuff on my back. On your back? Sorry. Sarah doesn't know what it feels like to fly this high. He's really sweaty. You're right, Sarah. He is.

Hey, Johnny. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm almost done. Give me one more minute. Okay. All right, big man. Here you go. I think you should keep buying these.

I'll slow down. I think, Dad, you should keep buying these because I like down i think dad you should keep buying these because i like them and they're yummy to me i feel good and hyper and mom doesn't let us get it so for that reason i think you should keep buying the sparkling orange flavored celsius johnny i i i'm done with my time i see my time just because mom doesn't buy them doesn't mean that that's bad. Like maybe mom has a good reason for not buying them because. Hey, Sarah, honey. When you drink them, you're different.

You're really different. Sarah, Sarah, what do you mean he's different? He is like he's alpha right now. Right. But my brother's a beta and i like him like that that's not acceptable in this house johnny i can i give you a little feedback on your presentation uh of course big man thanks big dog i thought that your presentation was not nearly as concise or as well thought out as your sisters thank you i thought that you were really erratic

you didn't make a lot of sense thank you you talked about squeezing oranges into your open maw and there was something about them being on his back you had passion what you had so much passion and honestly for me that's gonna do it and you telling me that you like it when i buy it and your mom doesn't i mean that's a slam dunk for me right there, buckaroo. So bangs gavel. That's it. The case of the Celsius sparkling orange flavor. I will be buying these here.

Does anyone else have any other motions they'd like to put forward before this family meeting is adjourned? Yeah. May I approach the bench? Of course, honey. I'm in a lazy boy. Of course, honey. I have a proposal I would like to um for

put forward anything daddy's little princess i'm here for you okay can i stay with mom tonight tonight i'm gonna need to hear reasoning sweetheart oh i don't want to hurt anyone's feelings i i just you know i think it might be nice to have a girl no this is the court of paw come on you can tell me whatever yeah um well i'm i guess it's just that i felt the kind of way that you or johnny were talking it was kind of gross and oh honey in what way well the i mean i think we can all agree that it was pretty misogynistic right um there was a lot of like sweetie like oh you wait to you yeah like kind of like oh the men are talking kind of energy that i didn't really like. So I think I would just rather not be

around that and wait for my brother to come down from his I guess. From his caffeine high? Yeah, I was going to say bender but yeah. Okay. Okay. Thank you for bringing up those points. I will take that in consideration.

Father, I have a counter. May I approach the bench? Thank you. Yeah, father, I have a counter. May I approach the bench? You. Yeah. Yeah, of course. Sarah, listen, I hear your reasoning. You hear the boys talking.

You hear the big wolves in the pack. And you feel like. Oh. Oh, hey, Sarah, language. Oh, that's the line. Okay. Glad we found it, everybody. I honestly would like to put forward the motion that sarah not go to mom's tonight okay well buddy you know i'm gonna say

you have to you have to elaborate a little bit okay i think that sarah should stay here because it'll build her character if she's around alphas maybe she'll be an alpha too. I am. And what's that? I don't need a drink, you little peewee bitch. Whoa. I'm serious. Sarah. No, you suck so bad. And you think that drinking an energy drink makes you cool, but it's like literally everyone at school makes fun of you.

No, everyone cheers me on. They say, go, Johnny, go, go, go. Yeah. And I chug it in front of them and then i get really hyper but then you don't hear the second part what like there's a second part after go johnny go go go go johnny go go go to the bathroom my god he's gonna shit his brains out again in class after he drinks all that like that time he shit himself remember there's no Sarah you shot yourself

in the middle of math Sarah you're you don't expect people to just forget about that John is that true did you shit yourself in math class well it was just like your honor petition to enter new evidence uh this is the kind of

energy i like to see my girl bring to the table come on sarah bring it up here girl can i air play to the tv oh yeah tech wizard you sure can okay it's not that hard exhibit a um this is a video that Tony Wilson took of one angle of Johnny in math a few months ago. You can see his desk. There's three or four empty cans of Celsius on the table. And if I hit play. Yeah. If you just want to watch the area below his seat. Oh, John. And he shits himself. Sarah, stop. And he shit below his seat. Oh, John.

And he shits himself. Sarah, Sarah, stop. And he shit himself so hard. Turn it off. He shit himself so hard it came out everywhere. Sarah, turn it off. This isn't funny. It's a doctored video.

It's a deep fake. Okay, Your Honor, Exhibit B, if I may. You're on a roll there, my daughter. Go for it. Okay, this is a PDF of a signed affidavit um from our gym teacher um my god you've got to be fucking kidding me miss robert signed this and it attests that uh three weeks ago johnny was attempting to do the uh ladder climb in gym and uh he um well he did drink three cans of celsius before he did it and he, well,

he did drink three cans of Celsius before he did it. And he had a heart palpitation on the ladder. He fell 16 feet onto the ground and then he shit himself. Sarah. Oh my God. You suck so hard. And there's a video of that as well. So you don't need to play it.

And he shits as he's falling down and it goes everywhere. He's shitting as he's falling okay okay sarah i gotta say you are you are stacking up a pretty good case i'm really proud of you thank you um i would still like to go to mom's if that's an option father i i have i'd like to call my first witness to the stand okay okay all right all right uh overruled we this is a fair court of paw, and we do need to hear what the opposition has to say. Objection, Your Honor. Relevance. I don't see what this witness can possibly add to the conversation.

Objection overruled. This is ridiculous. Okay. Thank you so much, Father. I would like to call my best friend Skyler B into the court of paw. Skyler B reporting for duty. Hey friend Skyler B into the court of paw. Uh, Skyler B reporting for duty. Uh, hey Skyler. Hey, Johnny, I know Skyler.

You guys have been best friends since you were six. You don't need to give his last initial. Uh, objection, your honor. Relevance? Uh, you don't need to object. I guess, okay, sustained. Right. Uh, so, Skyler, thank you so much for being here today um i would like to um ask you where were you on the day that i allegedly uh shit my pants in gym no way

um skylar come on you you know my guy would never shit his pants. No, Skylar, where were you on the day that I allegedly shit my pants? Bro, I was with you in the gym when you shit your pants. I was with you when you shit your pants. What was that, Skylar? I was saying my freaking alpha guy would never shit. He's never shit in his life. He's backed up from all the Celsius, just like me. Three weeks since my last

BM bow movement that's exactly right thank you so much Skylar and Skylar where were you on the day that I allegedly shit myself in class um I was probably macking was that yeah I think now that I'm thinking

about it I was probably macking a chick so don't think I really was there. And do you have a girlfriend, Skylar? This is news to me. Congratulations. Oh, no, nothing serious like that. I like to keep them guessing. That's really awesome.

Thanks. Yeah, yeah. We don't need to get too specific about it. Skylar. Your Honor, Your Honor. Yes. I hate to object on the same grounds again but relevance i mean he's now he's talking about the chicks that he's macking dad i just don't see

sustained you're right you're right the only thing i will say is that it is a little bit it is a little bit relevant because cool guys who make out with girls wouldn't be friends with someone who shit themselves. Well, I am. No, dude. Oh, my God. Fuck. My bad. Skylar, sorry. So, you saying that my son did shit himself.

I'm... No, I didn't say that. I just said that... I thought you said he was backed up. No, I didn't... Yes, he is back... Just like you. I'm backing him up.

Yeah, I'm so backed up, Dad. I'm backing him up. Dad, Dad, it's like you should seriously take me to a doctor because that's how long it's been since the last time I shit. Are you serious, dude? No, dude. I'm just saying what you said. No, but like, should you go to a doctor if you haven't shit in a while? I, are you?

Have you not? When was the last time you took a shit? Literally three weeks ago. Oh my God, you weren't lying about that. Is that too long? Yes, go see a doctor. I thought that was normal. No, dude, you have to go see a doctor.

Something's seriously wrong with you. Okay, I gotta go, man. Right now? I mean, probably. Okay, well let me know if you need a ride back from the hospital. I will. You will need one or you'll let me know? No, I'm letting you know now that I will need one.

There's no point in me waiting because I know that I will need one. Okay, I have to finish up this court. And then once the sentences. Once my dad gives a sentence. Then I'll come. Are you staying at your mom's house tonight? I'm staying here. Oh.

Okay. Sarah's trying to stay at my mom's. Oh. Okay. Cool. Okay. Good luck with your shit. Cool.

Can I chill here after the appointment? Yeah. For sure. Okay. Skylar. Love you bro. Thank you so much um good luck with the doctor's appointment yeah thanks i said i love you bro to me or to my son to your son i don't love you but i love your son that's okay you don't need to love me yeah uh yeah i barely know you man whatever barely know you whatever dude go all right wow um again I just want to say like none of this

I swear to God Sarah I love you but if you say objection again okay may I approach the bench you may approach the bench may I call a witness oh yes you may I'd like to call to the stand

Mrs. sorry miss um jones my mommy my mom my mother the mother of the witness the mother of the defendant and the prosecution no sarah sarah oh my god you've seriously called mom here no way i texted her during when you were having your shit thing oh my god um so she's in the car um can i text her i'm gonna she's coming in i texted her to come in it's only fair hello jason hi hi mom hi honey can i stay with you Of course you can. You don't need to ask. Well, actually, Sarah, honey, it's my night with you. Lindsay, it's my night with Sarah. No, I know it's your night with Sarah,

but if she is asking me to come to my house, you can't say no to your daughter. Well, but it's just like the court said that every other weekend. And it's that every other weekend, and so it's my night with you. No, you're right, Mom. The court said that I other weekend and so it's my night no you're right mom the court said that i can't so i probably shouldn't do you see what you're doing to her sarah sorry objection relevance um shut the fuck gotta be honest buddy i kind of forget what the point of this court was. I can clear that up.

I don't know if it's about buying Celsius or you staying at your mom's anymore. Yeah, I mean, it was kind of both. And I think we can kill two birds with one stone. I'll go stay with mom for a while and then it doesn't really matter. For a while? Well, and then it doesn't really matter what you buy because clearly, you know, you don't want to consider my feelings in the celsius flavor purchases so maybe that's not what i said honey honey your brother gave a better argument i really don't think he did um i mean and i hate to johnny

i hate to make it personal but you did look like you're on the verge of shitting yourself pretty much the whole time no i didn Sarah, literally shut the fuck up. Don't say that. Don't say that. Your knees are buckling. Sarah, I swear to God. Sarah, please stop talking about shit. Shit, shit, doody doody.

It's coming out of your butt. Sarah, oh my God. You're kicking your pants right now. And he blows up the house with his shit. And he shits so hard that the house explodes with poo poo. Poo poo doo doo. Let's take a break. I got a review for ya.

We are seasoned professionals. Remember when we just ended a scene with he shits so hard the house exploded with poop? No, I don't remember that. I was shitting too hard to remember. Go, read or review. One star

for Celsius. Sparkling Oasis Vibe. Pete, one star from Sheldon. Sheldon, comma, young. Sheldon, comma, young. Bazinga, one star.

Peach Vibe flavor as close to skunk piss as you can get. Sorry, this flavor is not good. Apple Fuji is much better than this. Also, I don't know if the metal can itself is rotting or if it's a piece of mold on the outside of the can. Oh, my God. outside of the can oh my god so uh sheldon coming young did ultimately drink a can of moldy celsius and then leave it one star of you because it tastes like i didn't know a can of something a closed can of liquid could get moldy i don't know if the metal can itself is rotting or if it's a piece of mold on the outside of the it's like first of all metal cannot rot

that i'm comfortable i'm not a scientist but i'm comfortable saying metal and inorganic substance cannot rot i think this can was compromised i think he has botulism and he's blaming what is botulism it's what you get from eating. Sorry, I have a hiccup. Or no, what's it called? Burp. Lying. Yes. My human body is botulism.

It's what you get when you eat food from a dented can. It's like an infection. It makes you sick. I've never heard of this. You've never heard of botulism? No. Oh, it's because you didn't grow up up i guess learning about cans i don't know you didn't grow up in the first world war eating tinned beans in the trenches and worried about

trench foot and botulism i don't know man um but yeah he he drank a rotten can and then he said it tasted bad it tastes as close to skunk piss as you can get i mean it's an old hack joke but it begs the question as close as you can get as close as in this fucking country with all its damn animal welfare laws detective's office detective smith can you please come in here? Reporting for duty, sir. You dropped this report off on my desk yesterday morning. Did you not?

Is there an issue with it? Of course there's an issue. The issue is this is a cold case. I've been racking my brain for the past 24 hours. I have no idea how this man died. I don't know if there was foul play. I don't know if it was botulism. Listen, I have been a detective for 48 years,

and I have never seen a case this confusing. Yeah, I mean, I don't know what to say, Chief. I mean, you asked me to take a look at it. You know, I'll take a look at it, you know, but I mean... Did you see this man's body in person? Yeah, I saw it in person. I went to the... You went to the morgue? Yeah, I went to the morgue, I went to the scene of the crime, you know, I spoke, I took witness statements, it's all there in the report if you care to read, Chief. I have been reading it, you don't understand, Detective,

I have been reading it non-stop, my eyes feel like they're the shape of the report itself i i'm i say square my eyes have gone square like a piece of paper oh i could have been more concise yes but like i've said i've been up for two days reading this oh are you yawning oh am i boring you detective chief i got a newborn at home. Excuses, excuses. It wasn't my fault you decided to have a family. It was an accident. You know that.

I told you. We weren't expecting it. Still, not my fault, not my problem. Keep your personal life out of your professional life. I'm just saying, chief. I got a newborn at home. You got me working a triple overtime on the third Sunday of the month. I'm at my wit's end here. I think we need to go talk to the missus.

That's the one person that for some reason you did not interview when you did the intake for this case. I didn't see how it's relevant. She's got an alibi. It's rock solid. There's always a crack. All right. You step on a crack, you break your mother's back.

Explain that to me. What did that have to do with what we were talking about? We don't have the time. It was just, I was rhyming. It's a thing I grew up saying as a boy. Yeah, what, in the 1300s?

All right, well, go talk to her, but you got to keep the cute shit to a minimum, Chief. You know? I don't think that was cute. I think stepping on the crack really would cause you to break your mother's back. It amazes me.

I believe that with my whole heart. It amazes me that you ascended the ranks to the position of authority that you possess today. I'll go see her, but I, you know. You ever notice when we walk together on the sidewalk, I always step over the crack. Never once have you seen any of my little piggies inch their way over a crack in the sidewalk. First of all, of course I've noticed.

Second of all, you cannot keep wearing barefoot shoes to work. It looks bizarre. You are a police officer. It looks insane to see a police chief wearing toe shoes. Well, maybe you should have worn a condom. Let's go talk to the missus. That was low, but I kind of respect it. All right.

Are we going together? You and I going together? Yeah, we're going together. You're driving. I'm driving? Okay. You know they suspended my license. Can I put the lights on? You can put the lights on you can put the lights

on but no we you we you it's gonna be mute lights okay i'll do the mute i you know i i promised beverly i'd be home in time for story time and oh it's 2 a.m so that seems unlikely well that's too bad we need to go wake this bereft wife up and talk to her. Okay, if you insist. Cut to inside. They've woken up the wife. They're all sitting on the kitchen table. If you gentlemen don't get out of my house in the next five minutes, I swear to God, I'm going to call a different round of cops and they're going to come over here and take your sorry asses out.

I hear you, Chief. I mean, look, what are we doing here? What we're doing here, Mrs. Moriarty, is what we're doing is we're trying to get a little bit more information from you about your husband's untimely death. Rest in peace. Moriarty. That's funny.

Moriarty. I went to... Oh, what's funny about my name, huh? No, no, nothing. I didn't mean nothing like that, miss. I'm just saying. I went to junior high with a Moriarty. Oh, well, bully for you.

Helen Moriarty. You know her? That's my sister, Helen. Oh, my God. You're Susie Moriarty. I'm not here to play a game and guess who you guys want me to answer questions i already gave you my alibi it's in the statement if you ever care to read it you know what that's so funny that's exactly what he said he said if you ever care to read it you sound just

like anyway my brother had a huge crush on you you know that i don't give a shit about your brother i don't give a shit about your mother i don't give a shit about you no reason to drag my mother into this but all right you want me to rehash my alibi fine i can rehash my alibi i was dropping little little emilio off at daycare and that's when i got the call that something Something hap- Sorry. Chief. That something happened. Chief. What I tell you is rock solid. I mean- It's not rock solid. Mrs. Moriarty- Sorry, Miss.

No, it's too fresh. Please keep calling me Mrs. Call her the late Mrs. Moriarty, please. She's not dead, you dumbass. Oh, you dumbass. You're right. Ms. Moriarty, do they got cameras in this daycare center you take your son to? I hope not. Well, what do you mean you hope not? Of course they do, just in case anything were to happen,

like someone would get stolen, you know, like the movie Taken, except with a baby. All right, I don't know if that's it. At that point, you're getting so broad with the statement like the movie taken like a kidnapping sure i mean a kidnapping but come on you got to admit detective taken is one hell of a film i didn't dispute that taken was a chief it's two o'clock in do they have cameras i don't know i'm not the fucking daycare manager. Let's go to the daycare in the morning, Chief. I don't understand. No.

I want to get some sleep, and I will not be able to rest until this case is solved. And I suspect foul play. There, I said it. You can put it on the record. Foul play? You mean foul play from me, his wife? Of course I mean foul play from you. Yeah.

You took out a pretty big life insurance policy the week before he passed. Well, I don't see how... Oh, you don't see how this has anything to do with that? You're going to inherit $15 million, Ms. Moriarty. And your husband died from what? Let me check the records. Drinking a moldy energy drink? I don't think so.

Chief, chief, chief, chief, seriously. What? Oh, no. Anything you can say in front of me, you can say in front of Ms. Moyani. I'm just saying, maybe tomorrow you and I go check out the daycare,

see if they got cameras, you know, and we... I just want to make sure that this woman right here was exactly where she said she was with... And that's why I'm saying we go to the daycare, Chief. Tonight. Okay, we'll go tonight.

We'll go tonight. Cut to daycare. I don't think there's going to be anybody. It's locked. Yeah, right. There's no one here. I told you. We'll wait here till the morning.

We didn't have to bring her with us, you know. You really didn't. My God, my baby Amelia, you couldn't even leave me at home with my child. Oh, we left your baby alone. You could have brought your kid. You could have brought your kid. That wasn't on us. You could have brought your kid.

I'm sorry. Susie, right? Yeah. I don't want to hop on about this any more than I already have, but my brother, you remember him? I don't give... Do you remember Luigi? Do you remember him?

Luigi DiMario? Yes. Of course I remember Luigi DiMario. Yes, he had a huge crush on you. Do you know that? I swear to Christ, Detective, if you bring up Luigi DiMario one more time, I don't give a shit.

My husband drank a moldy can of juice and now he's dead. Oh, juice. You said juice. Yeah, I thought it was an energy drink. Well, it was. You know, energy drink flavored with natural juices. Natural flavor, I mean. Well, but you just said juice.

And that's not what you said when you did the intake form I misspoke I'm grieving What the fuck do you want from me? You know, it's funny Juice, energy drink, who gives a shit? Susie The minute we walked into your house

I knew there was something rotten about you That's not true You walked in, you took one look at me up and down And said, awoo, gosh she looks just like Luigi described her. Yeah, and that's another thing. I made him up. I got no brother. I saw right through your act.

Oh, that's good, detective. We're going to be talking about that. You're going to have to teach me that trick later. That was from the seminar you sent me to at the precinct, the training on disguises. And lying. And that's another thing, by the way, Susie. I haven't seen a wig line that obvious since my stint in the cabaret after the war.

Well, this, you've got to be kidding me. This is my au naturel hair. Oh, they jigs up. Tell us who you really are. Who I really am? Yeah, and what did you do with the real Susie? Who I really am is a woman in mourning. I don't know. I don't know, Detective. I've got a bad feeling about this. I'm a dog with a boner.

What's that? I'm a dog with a boner. I'm not going to let this one go. No, Detective. I don't think that's the phrase. It's dog with a boner. You don't get to have a monopoly on phrases. My mother's back.

I'm a dog with a boner. Dog with a boner. Bone. That's what I said. You said boner. It's four in the morning. You said dog with a boner. Why would a dog with a boner not let things go? I don't know. He's what I said. You said boner. It's four in the morning. You said dog with a boner. Why would a dog with a boner not let things go?

I don't know. He's horned. But that doesn't... No. A dog with a boner is like, oh, it's my bone. I'm not going to let it go. Right. And a dog with a boner is like, hummina, hummina, hummina.

I got to go. Where'd she go? Where'd she go? Wait, we got to chase after her. Oh, shit. I smoked too much. I can't run. Cut to a couple hours later.

Oh, um, gentlemen, if you guys could please leave the premises. We're about to open the daycare for the day. That's perfect. Oh, my God. You're just the person we've been looking for. You got cameras in there. You got cameras in there. I am not answering that question.

She ran away. Who ran away? ran kaisa sozaita she kaisa sozaita she kind was moriarty moriarty that was the fakest name we should have known susan moriarty susan moriarty oh susan moriarty that's the mother of emilio moriarty? Susan Moriarty. Oh, Susan Moriarty. That's the mother of Emilio Moriarty. You know her? She's the mother at her daycare. You got a picture? Oh, Emilio's the cutest. Do I have a picture of her?

So we know it's really her. Um, well, I know she... You know what's funny? What? I see her name in all of Emilio's forms, but I've never actually seen her. What do you mean? Who drops Emilio off in the morning?

Well, there's a black car, tinted windows, and Emilio just gets out of it every day. I thought that they were just a very fancy family who didn't have enough time for their kids. Tinted windows? Husband was a bricklayer. There's no way. Man, that's so funny. You know, I thought that they were a pretty working class family. Why would they be having a black tinted town car dropping off their child every day?

Well, I'm sure everything's fine. Is there anything else I can help you with? No, this is fantastic. You've never, you don't know who she is. Well, no, I know who she is. I've never seen her. You didn't listen to me. Chief.

What? I think she's in on that. I think she's. In on what? The scheme. I think this lady at the daycare is in on it. Oh, her hair's fake as hell. Pull it.

Excuse me? I'm going to pull it. Ow! Slaps. You're Moriarty. Ow. You're her. Ow.

I'm, I am, I am Jennifer Cleaves. What are you doing? Oh, Jennifer Cleaves. Jennifer Cleaves. Jennifer Cleaves. Jennifer, oh, wait. Wait a minute. Jennifer Cleaves. Jennifer Cleaves. Jennifer Cleaves. Wait. Wait a minute. Jennifer Cleaves.

Jennifer Cleaves. Jennifer Cleaves. Take the C, rearrange the L, and then add an M and an O and an R. Replace the C with the J. Move the A to the T. Carry the 1. Put it around. Flip it in the middle.

Look at it in a mirror. What does it spell? Red rum. Loop-de-loop and pull. Murder. Now your shoes are looking cool. I'm a dog with a boner. You're a murderer. Aren't you, Moriarty?

I... Oh, she made me promise to not tell her, or else she would... She wouldn't give me the money. The money? I, um... She made me promise to not tell or else she wouldn't give me the money. The money. I didn't mean to kill him. What a twist. I just put a little bit of the arsenic in the energy drink,

just enough to knock him out for a little bit, not kill him. Arsenic doesn't work like that, baby. It's not. It's not a sedative. That's a poison. That's just a straight up killing drug. Well, that's not. Hold on. I might sneeze. It's right on the brink. Oh, God.

You all right, miss? Don't look at me. All right. It's immodest to look at a woman while she sings. It passed. Listen, I didn't know. She said that it was a sedative,

and she said that I needed to get him out of the way so that the money could be hers, all hers, is what she said. That's a pretty clear cut, I think. Oh, well, that was, yeah, that was, you just kind of gave us everything. So you thought you weren't killing him, but she wanted to. All right, great.

So she did it. She fumbushed. We got the girl. She did the crime. We can lock her up. We'll find her tomorrow. She's in the wind, but we'll get her. Where could she go?

We'll get her. Where could she go? It's only a city. It's only the greatest city in the world i love this city i always i love milwaukee i think my wife thinks i'm dead i have not been home in a while i should probably go can i come she won't like it but she can't stop you that's very true hey

detective chief tonight was kind of fun chief I don't want to hurt your feelings come on this is water off a duck's crack. Nice.

Better not step on that duck, right? No, that's very serious. But what were you going to say? I was going to say, I think maybe your time in the force, maybe it's left you a little bit, you know, lonely. Ripped? I work out a lot? No.

I mean, yes. I mean, maybe. I don't know. I've never seen you naked. I could take my shirt off in the street. No, thank you. You're welcome. I would do it for you.

And you know what, Chief? I know that you would. And that's what really is odd about it you could ask me to do anything okay and i'd do it okay i want you to go downtown okay and give you two weeks oh come on i want you to take that 401k and buy that sailboat and go on that trip you've always talked about. But never had the guts to do. Circumnavigate the globe in a one-man sailboat. Quite the dream, chief.

Pretty lonely, though. Yeah. I bet. Without you and all right because i won't be there you could be right but i won't be there how about when i come over with you tonight to your house okay we hash out the details there. Okay. The details of how to get you a boat alone? With you. Right. Alone.

With me. Together. Waving with my wife and newborn child from the docks. I'll take off my shirt in the street. I cannot stop you. But I'd like to to it's already done you do look welcome to the good i can't deny mine though very very fit i'm not gonna be humble about it i i really have been i've been working is that natural or did you put that on? There's a shine.

It's a Vaseline. It's a Vaseline. Yeah, so the shirt really sticks to me. It's not comfortable. Is that unpleasant? But for moments like these, God, is it worth it. And are there a lot of moments like this? I wish.

I'd like to make more of them. Huh. Do you want me to drive? Yeah, sure. I've been driving a lot. Can we put the sirens on? Wee-oo, wee-oo. Banana. Banana. Oh, do we have time for one more i mean we might have time i don't know if i have the brain cells come on one more all right what's one more gonna do what's one more gonna do kill me what doesn't kill you makes you stronger okay here we go i have one looking it up in the archive five stars from that same 12 pack okay from dave m okay um dave Dave, Dave, meat.

Like, meet Dave, the Eddie Murphy film? Dave, Dave, meat. The title is Love These, but I May Be Addicted. Oh, no. No, you'll love it. Okay. The flavor is sparkling wild berry. I don't know if that comes back, but here we go.

Thank you for letting me know, though. These these are great the new thing in energy drinks they absolutely have become of my weight losses journey and taste great they aren't cheap i wish they'd send me a whole palette because i wrote the following poem no celsius my love oh oh Celsius. A drink of wild berry hue. There it go. It came back. A savior for the waistline for me and you. What? 69 pounds gone.

Oh, what a feat. So specific. With each sparkling sip, less weight on my feet. But let's be real. The cost is no jest. For each can we sip, our wallets protest. Yet the taste of wild berries, so tart and so sweet, makes this pricey endeavor feel like a

treat in every can a potion so rare green tea extract with metabolic flair vitamin b for energy so vast and guarana seeds for a caffeine blast vitamin c for health in each pore and ginger root for a flavor galore chromium to curb the hunger so real a nutritional dance with every meal a drink so fine it's hard to resist even when our budgets tightly insist but with pounds shed and energy and new celsius oh celsius we raise our cans to you here's what I'm going to say. Come on. It was not bad. Not bad. Considering what it is, considering it's a love poem to Celsius.

It's not bad. And it's not the first review that contained a poem that I've come across. No. And in the pantheon of review poems. It's honestly, I think, the best. That's really like the rhymes didn't feel forced no it was genuinely a very and it kind of built to a client like i kind of liked it i kind of i'm obsessed huh kind of makes you think about about what else we could write poems for. Sure.

No, it did. As I was reading it, I'm like, damn. I wish we still wrote love letters to each other. Damn, I wish I could write this. Not you and me specifically. I mean, like. I wish you and I still wrote love letters to each other. When I read that review, I thought,

where's the spark gone? When I read that review i thought where's the spark gone when i read that review i thought wow alan and i really have something and we lost it and i don't know where it went when i know it's interesting that you say that because when i when i heard that review i thought to myself she never talks to me this way anymore she never speaks this way about me anymore why am I here why why

why am I hearing her talk about Celsius how she used to talk about me is what I was hearing kind of weird writing a letter dear Davis

now that we are at separate colleges across the country from each other, it's going to be hard to communicate more. Sure, we could text and we could FaceTime, but where's the romance in that? Instead, I vow to write you a handwritten letter every fortnight to show my eternal devotion to you and to our love. Yours, Bethany. Dearest Bethany, my deepest apologies that it's taken me so long to write.

Alas and alack, the first week of classes had me overwrought. Indeed, in my freshman writing seminar, I felt so overcome I wondered how I'd make it through the eve. But we did. Gregory and I, my roommate, persisted, fought on, and made it back to the dormitory. Although my classes go fine, I find myself dreaming of you and that sweet summer wine. Anyway, I hope this letter finds you well, and I look forward to Thanksgiving break. Kisses, your Paramour. My love, my life.

Ember of my heart burning bright in my chest. My Davis, how glorious that long weekend of giving thanks was with thee. I admit, us sitting at the Thanksgiving table together after so many months apart was a bit hard on my weary heart. What was there to talk about? So much time spent apart, not knowing your roommates or mine, how we will pass the time without each other, with each other. What will we talk about? much live lives lived not side by side but in fact far and wide i miss you every day the clock ticks by and i sit and i sigh and i think gregory come to uc davis and by gregory i mean davis greg Gregory is your roommate. I'm so sorry. I am in finals and I'm getting a little confused. I ran out of energy drinks. My roommate, Kathy, is going to get some

right now. But nonetheless, alack, my love, I am here and I am yours. My eyes will not wander and my heart will not rest until you and I are laid in bed again, together again. I love you. Goodbye. My dearest, how my heart burns for you. To be at Thanksgiving was such sweet torture. Our bodies so close physically, yet an imperceptible void grew between us. I miss you, but more I miss us, what we once were before all of this distance came hither. I couldn't notice but at Thanksgiving dinner that you would look down at your phone and smile. And I'd wonder, who's she texting on there?

Because it's not me. Because she said we don't text. Because she said we're going to write letters because it's more romantic that way. And I said, okay. But then at Thanksgiving, she was texting. I saw the bubble, the blue bubble. You were texting at Thanksgiving, and it wasn't me because I was sitting there. But you were smiling at Thanksgiving and it wasn't me because I was sitting there and you were smiling a lot and

at one point your grandma asked you how school was going and you didn't even notice that she'd asked you a question because you were so busy on your phone. My sweet one how I long for you and how I wish for clarity on this point of the phone and the texting but more, I wish for us to be together once again in my rubber-covered twin bed, with Gregory sleeping all but six feet away

in my dormitory. Forever yours, your paramour, your panic at the disco. You're sweet. My dearest, you mistake me for someone who is still but a girl, when in fact, in this time apart, I have become a woman. A woman is allowed to have friends. A woman is allowed to jest with others.

And yes, you may have seen me texting at the table, but my love, what jealousy consumes you so? Am I not allowed to have friends of the opposite sex with whom I may share a jest now and then over the phone? My love, they are not you. And if you keep up this rash behavior, then I will have no choice but to suggest that we take a break, which I do not want to do, but my love, you may drive me to it. How I love you and how I wish that you would grow to the maturity that I have reached now as a second semester freshman in university. I know everything there is to know about love, romance, and friendship, and I wish you would do the same. I miss you, but if our lives are not growing together, then they may grow apart like branches of a tree. I do not want that clarity. Always yours. Hopefully.

Your sweet. Your Blink-182. Oh, how I am consumed with guilt. Guilt and rage. Rage and guilt at myself. I, like Othello before me, have had my heart turned by an Iago. I was so ready to accuse you of infidelity, of impurity, all because of some chance comments by Gregory. He said, she's bad.

You probably should look out for her. I know what they get up to at UC Davis. My cousin goes there. I hear their parties are pretty crazy, man. I don't know how I'd feel about my girl being there. Why don't you ever text? It's kind of weird that she never texts you, right? You're always writing letters, sure, but you don't call, even? I don't know, man. And after he said this, I was consumed. But I see now that was Gregory's blind list, and mine too, for we were only first semester freshmen. We had no idea.

Second semester has begun, and it's off to a grand start. I'm taking a class in women's studies, per your suggestion broadening my horizons. I hope when we meet again, you won't find your old, sublime, my chemical romance, but you'll find a brand new, mature, bare-naked lady at your door. Davis,

this may be the last letter I write to you for a while. When you appeared at my dormitory door late last fall, Davis, this may be the last letter I write to you for a while. When you appeared at my dormitory door late last fall, in our first semester of junior year, after so many months and years of not speaking to one another, I admit it frightened me to so. I almost didn't recognize the boy, nay, the man who stood before me. A man who suddenly felt like a stranger. My roommate Taylor said, oh my God, what's this fucking guy doing here?

Do you know him? Do you know him? Oh my God, Bethany, do you know him? He's trying to get inside. And that struck the fear of God into my heart, Davis. How could you do such a thing? You said, just come outside with me for a second. I just, I just want to talk, please. I swear to God, Bethany, I just want, just give me like five minutes. And I did. And I wish I hadn't because I am done with this childish game that we've been playing. When I last wrote

to you, I told a lie. I said that I had only had friends, but your instinct was right. It was a lover that I had taken that second semester of freshman year. Because I knew that I was ready to give my body willingly to

those who requested it kindly. That's a decision I made for myself And if you can't respect that, then you don't respect me and you do not deserve to be a friend in my life anymore. You are a stranger to me now, Davis. I wish you nothing but the best. And I hope that no illness nor grief may fall upon you. I hope that you have a green junior year. I kindly ask that you don't send me any more letters. Good luck with everything. Green day. Hello, old friend, if I can use that word. Graduation approaches now.

Fast. Like winter approaching in November. But I only write after this breadth of time to say I'm sorry for the way that I acted in my youth. I thought you might be interested to know I ended up majoring in women's studies, and I look back on my foolish boyhood actions now, and realize they were quite aggressive and possessive,

and not becoming of the man that I want to be. And you talk of giving your body away willingly, and I am no longer filled with jealousy, but with joy. And you talk of giving your body away willingly. I am no longer filled with jealousy, but with joy. I wish nothing but the best for you and all of your new lovers,

whoever they may be. Consider me no longer a part of your life. Consider this my dashboard confessional. Sincerely yours, fall out of love boy. Comes back, returned to sender. Damn. Damn. Damn. My simple plan foiled.

Holy hell. Should we do our last segment? Holy hell. Yeah, I think we probably should. This shook me all week long. Don't want to get copyrighted. Ba-ba-da-da, ba-ba-da-da. This shook me all the time. It's shaking us together.

Yeah. It seems today that all you see is getting shaken by movies and weird crushes that Riley has. Oh, my God. What's been shaking you, man? I don't even know. You go first. Oh, to make me go first on a night such as this.

To make me be having going first. Sorry? To make me be having going first. Hey, you didn't do an Eastern European accent. Or any European. Or any good improv oh no come on i was getting my body away willingly

okay um what has been shaking me um you're on the right track, baby. You were born this way, I think. Oh, another book. Yay. He's reading. And by reading, I mean getting audiobooks from the Chicago Public Library and listening to them while he drives around all day long. The Wager by David Graham. I hardly know her. He wrote Killers of the Flower Moon, the book on which the new Martin Squithaith movie is based.

Now a major motion picture. Now a major motion picture. But this is another book he wrote more recently that is similarly, it's like compiled from actual historical evidence. It's like a narrativized historical accounting, you know, not really fiction, but like imagine between the lines. Anyway, about a British naval ship in the early 17th century and it's i know it sounds dry and boring but it's it's actually it's actually extremely compelling it's actually extremely and and and it actually really gives it a fascinating insight into what life would have actually been like uh aboard a british uh man o war, but it is. It was. It was genuinely.

Oh, wow. I didn't, because, confession, I had placed a hold on Killers of the Flower Moon at the Chicago Public Library and it was going to be about a 19 week wait. And I said,

okay, any of his other books available? And this one was a much shorter wait. So I listened to it and I really enjoyed it. And, um. Bully for you.

If you're into that kind of, you know, shit, I recommend it nice yeah you know what's funny i also have a reading i have a reading what shook me as well okay what's yours i created a good reads account oh no way yeah do you have one i don't actually i should i want to be this is like a very this is an earnest what struck me i want to i love reading um but i want to read more um and new year new you new year it's like i i read every i keep a list on my notes app of like what books i read in a year but last year was huh i just said granny granny come on but now i have goodreads and i'm tracking

it and um i'm like oh i'm gonna read i'm gonna do i'm gonna do my best and so i have a it's like i do well when there's like i can track something like i have something holding me accountable so it's like there's like a 2024 challenge and so you get to pick like how many books it's like i want to read blank books a year and that's going to be my challenge for this year. And so I said 30. I'd like to read 30 books this year. That's a no joke number of books. So I thought so.

And then I started seeing other people's challenges. Oh, but you can't. And that's where, and people are like, I want to read 114 books this year. And I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? And you know what those people are? what the fuck are you talking you know what those people are what the fuck are you talking they're editors they must be editors at fucking random house like what are you doing i i genuinely i mean they're they're they're assistants at penguin like what are we doing it's true when are we reading like unless you have a job that you have to read like you're you're sifting through manuscripts right how okay oh oh mrs gutenberg's here and she's brought her bible it's the printing press

um so i'm like oh yeah i'm gonna kill it i want to say 30 is an impressive amount i would i'm listen i'd like you know 150 yeah maybe if it's harold and the magic crayon what oh no i know that i'm going to say harold i said harold and the magic crane here did you um john travolta as tracy turnblad's mom please edna please harold did you make it cream turn the let the iron on. Chocolate, of course. I'm making chocolate, of course. I have been doing my best to replace my TikTok scrolling time in bed with reading.

That's really commendable. And I literally earnestly to Daniel last night. I just go, I love reading. Oh, my God. So anyway. I've been doing that with the crossword more and more. You I mean I've always been a crossword girl but I there is genuinely nothing can be worse for your sleep than staring at the TikTok algorithm void for like half an hour before you go to bed yeah yeah I do it every night I do it every night. I do it every night.

And with a Kindle now, I do my best. I have the warm light on instead of that harsh. I'm trying to, you know, I'm replacing one screen with another. Yeah, but it's a different screen. It's a different screen. We can all agree. It's a different screen. Even doctors.

Reading. Reading. We're reading over here. Sorry. Sorry. Hey, I'm not. I like to be transported to the world. Yeah, you know what? Either way, fuck it. I're reading over here. Sorry. Sorry. Hey, I'm not. I like to be transported into the world.

Yeah, you know what? Either way, fuck it. I love reading. I'll say it. I'll say it. You can find Alf on Instagram at alfredinnit. You can find the show

on Instagram at our review review. You can find the show on Reddit, r slash review review. We have a Discord, a HeadGum Discord review review.

And Jeffrey James and I have a Patreon, patreon.com slash Riley and Jeff, where we have monthly Zardes. That's a Zoom party. And we're coming out with some fun stuff this year. Get into it. And you can find Riley on Instagram.com.

Just the web browser, though, not the phone. At Riley and Spot. And, of course, on Twitter.com, just the web browser though, not the phone. App at Riley and Spot. And of course on Twitter.com, now known as XXXXXXXX.com. And on the BBC. For as long as it lasts. At Riley Coyote. Coming up next on BBC4 Extra. No, at Riley Coyote.

And as we say every single week. Every. On the show. Like it's a sickness that we can't stop saying. I got an invite to Blue Sky. Should I join? at Riley Coyote and as we say every single week every on the show like it's a sickness that we can't stop saying I got an invite to Blue Sky should I join

yes okay you know what we say every week what do we say every week I give my body Give my body freely.

I give my body freely. I give my body freely. We'll see you next week. Bye. Bye. I'm fucking sorry. Whore whore. Whore whore.

Whore whore! Whore whore! Whore whore! Whore whore! Did you come in the whore whore? I haven't seen you in two years, and the first thing you said to me is that you want to munch my box. That was a Hiddem original.