Review Revue - Cheesecake Factory (w/ Alise Morales!)

Episode Date: January 23, 2024

This week Reilly and Alf are joined by comedian, writer, and co-host of the Go Touch Grass Podcast, Alise Morales!>>>>><<<<<Follow at:IG: @reillyanspaugh @alfredinnitTwitter: @reilecoyote Join the discord here!Produced by Daniel Ramos @SchubirdsAdvertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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All right, so the topic today is rubber bands. Well, Riley, shall we get to the first review? Okay, here we go. Alliance Rubber 26,604 T9 Advantage Rubber Band size 64, 1 quarter in 604 T9 Advantage rubber bands size 64 one quarter

pound box contains approximately 80 bands of 3-1 half bar one quarter inch natural crepe

beige color bands by Jordan give me a last name on Chows in refuse title dance next Give me a last name Unchosen Refused, titled

And snapped Not sure if we were The victims of No, play it out. Play out the whole thing. I'm not going to do that because it is ultimately three minutes long.

That was beautiful. It was really something. That was from Lorne from Toronto. Lorne Mintz from Toronto with another theme song. If you're wondering, this whole song is indeed a faux review a la Review Review and the review itself. Wait, the review itself is 100% real. So that faux.

So it's not faux. It's not faux. It's not faux. It's a real review. So it's a real review. Found on Amazon for the very product named in the song. Which is Rubber Band. I hope you guys enjoyed the theme.

Rubber Band. I feel like today's episode is intended to be confusing. Okay, so what's confusing me, Lauren, is you did say that it was a faux review, but the real review, it's not what faux means. Yeah. This episode's done. I don't want to do it anymore. Come on, man.

I'm out. I log out of the Zoom. I don't know what this girl is talking about, and I have to go. And I'm done. And that incredible, I bet you're thinking, oh my God, who is that?

Who is that the funniest, is that the funniest person I've ever heard in my life? Is this, is my life going to be changed? And yeah, because we have comedian and co-host

of the new HeadGum podcast, Go Touch Grass, Elise Morales on the show. Touch it. Touch the show. Touch it. Touch the grass. So excited. And I just want to say my co-host, Millie Tamarez, was supposed to be here today.

She is on vocal rest, which is like the most important kind of thing you can be on in our industry. It's the most important thing you can do. She's on vocal rest. So that's why she's not here. Like you've been put in like a really terrible position like do you feel annoyed do you want to get anything off your chest

i feel like you i feel like you've been put in a really terrible position because you're not you're not getting you're not getting the millie you're just getting me and i would say that our roles on the podcast is that Millie is cool and I am an extreme dork I love that that's honestly it's like that's like Riley and I's dynamic if neither of us were cool yeah because we both are kind of like I'm an anxious hypochondriac and Alf is anxious depressive. Depressed, recovering alcoholic, I guess, is my whole good vibe. Yeah, so it's like, that's kind of our vibe. We, Millie and I went through our Spotify raps

on our Patreon at one point, and she was like, she was saying things like, okay, so there's this really cool indie indie band out of portland that blah blah like these are the things that are in her spotify wrapped my spotify wrapped had the worst pies in london from oh my god no but like that's so real and and megan trainer was on my Spotify rap, which I don't even know. I was like, I could have a Gucci. It was that one. Gucci. It was that one.

She got me with that stupid TikTok earworm song. And then I listened to it. Oh my God. I don't even, I guess I listened to it a lot. Cause Spotify said, you like listen to this kind of more than anyone. You're obsessed with this song.

You're the only person in the world who's chosen to listen to this song who didn't have it fed to them by tiktok you actually actively chose to listen to the song many many times to the point where it's one of your top 10 songs that's so brave and millie was like so brave millie was like well when you listen to like more obscure artists sometimes they'll reach out to you and be like thanks for being on my spotify wrapped I'm like yeah that's not Stephen Sondheim has passed and I don't think Ms. Trainer is gonna be reaching out

I'm waiting Megan Megan I might be your number one fan in that I'm one of the only people who's maybe genuinely sought out your music that is so rad I love that so much Alf are you you a spotify or apple music guy i'm a spotify well i famously didn't get an iphone until july of this year i was an android girl for

a solid 20 years or whatever and then that's another reason why i wish i not to be like you guys should be disappointed but millie is the Android influencer. The queen. She went viral on Subway takes for saying that Android is better than iPhone. Oh, my God. Got a bunch of people in the comments. The way that people will ride for the iPhone is really funny. That if someone says Android is better, people will.

They have anger in their heart yes well and i can offend everybody right now by saying um they're not that different they're really not it's a phone like i think we should i think we should move on come on no it's just like i've had it i'm i've been an iphone girly forever and uh i'm doing the vortex of Apple products. You could try a little Samsung moment. No, it's just like I think we should. But speaking of tech, so I so wish Millie was here. But I, so go touch grass.

You guys, you have to listen to it. So I love that the tagline of your guys' show is like, you guys log on so we can log off. And ultimately, I don't know what it says about me that I was looking through all of, I listened to the Sephora tweens episode yesterday. As our most recent. As of this recording. It's very good.

As of this recording. And I don't know what it says about me, but like every single episode topic, I'm like, I know what that is. I know what that is. I'm like, Oh,

I'm so online. I'm still online. To the point where, and I feel like you'd really appreciate this Elise. I woke up. Oh my God. And I tweeted this this morning. Sorry. oh my god and i tweeted this this morning sorry x'd it i tweeted this this morning i i woke up and my my boyfriend daniel is he has a tiktok but he doesn't scroll but it's like he i will show him

my curated ones so it's like he's like you show me your best ofs of the day and that'll be kind of our viewing session i'm like love that that's. So I showed him my best ofs and we saw some that made us laugh. I taught him about that. I think I like this little life trend. It was very fun. It was very earnest. And I earnestly, we watched it called The Made Us Laugh and it just came out of me. I earnestly told him one after another, I love the internet. I love trends. I love jokes. And I just kind of had to sit with that. And I love trends. I love jokes. And I just kind of had to sit with that. And I'm like, I need a lobotomy.

Someone needs to crack this thing open. It either means you need a lobotomy or you start Me and Millie's Exact Podcast, which is that we review the internet, trends, and jokes. And it's either you can either feel solidarity with us and being too online and knowing what every single topic and discussion is or we have a good section of the podcast that's like I'm a mom who works at like a real job and I need to know what to talk to my child about and like there are literally people who are like I have been able to bring up topics. Someone who didn't know who Gypsy Rose Blanchard was, which I said, how can you know who she was? I had to teach him yesterday. That's astounding.

I know. I know. I know. But that we got into it. We got right into it. My husband is very out of the discourse, not very online. He tried to have a TikTok momentarily, but all TikTok knew about him was that he was like a white guy who likes football and is from Wisconsin.

And so it started showing him a lot of pro-Trump content. Yeah, right. You mean that's going to happen? Absolutely. That's going to happen? Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was trying to, he said that he started searching vegan pages.

He's not even vegan, but he started just liking searching. Just to like get the algorithm to be like, maybe we don't have like kind of this guy packed properly. That's really funny. So I took that and was like, holy shit. Holy shit. We don't know anything about this guy. We don't know anything about him.

We need to start over. Start over. That's amazing. Your guys' show is so fucking funny. Thank you. I can't wait to have Millie on as well. You will. And congrats on joining the HeadGum

family. We love it. We love the fam. It's already been so fun to go around And do the different HeadGum pods And be here with you So we're just

We're so happy to have you And there's like Such a great fan base Around HeadGum Like everyone's so Everyone's so nice And cool And

Everyone's so like We just all kiss each other On the mouth I know And like that's like How we show our appreciation I know But before we Alff i forget my

god don't come for me you guys so at least what so sometimes what we do and what i fail to do is we will set an intention for the episode but i forget if we do that before or after we talk about the topic we do it whenever we remember to do it which is mostly right before we start the first review okay so great so it's also it's been a while since we've had a guest on and it is there's i forget how mortifying it is to like explain things to somebody to be like so there's gonna be a theme song intention before we don't know what it's gonna be it could be really hard to listen to also yes there we're gonna set an intention we're gonna set an intention it's nostalgic like three out of the four times we do it we just say nostalgia and then everyone

comments you already did that you know what but lauren lauren in the email said it might be a confusing episode and i think the intention can be let's confuse confuse wow let's confuse that's a problem you don't even know what's gonna. My intention is to confuse and also to build a lifelong friendship. Wow. Oh, my God. I love you and all of the listeners. They go hand in hand. They go hand in hand.

Lifelong friendships. Speaking of lifelong friendships, you know where you can build a lifelong friendship? At the Cheesecake Factory. You can. What a segue. Our today's topic. What a segue. Our today's topic. What a segue. Listen, I cannot believe that in the years that I have been doing this show, that we

have never done the Cheesecake Factory. That was shocking to me. I looked at, I had to Google like Review Review Cheesecake Factory like five times, just a triple check that we've never done it. And we never have. So at least y'all, y'all chose Cheesecake Factory. Tell me a bit about it. Okay, so Cheesecake Factory is strangely a topic that comes up often in the Go Touch Grass universe.

Interesting. One of our, before we launched officially on HeadGum, we started our Patreon to do test episodes. And one of our first topics, what we discussed, was a viral video of a girl who, a guy took her on a date to the Cheesecake Factory and she refused to get out of the car because she said that she looked she's too hot to be taken to the Cheesecake Factory. Oh, shut up. And we came out against this. We came out strong against this.

We said that we think that Cheesecake Factory is a fine place to take someone on a date. Their menu has something for everyone. I think it's elevated from like an Applebee's, Outback, Steakhouse situation. Certainly, yes. That video was also more complicated because it gets revealed that he had a reservation at a better place,

but she made him wait in the car for two hours while she got ready. They missed the reservation. So she did end up at Cheesecake Factory for that reason. But yeah, so we are a pro Cheesecake Factory podcast in general. I think, yeah, I think that it's like, I think that it can be a semi-elevated dining experience. And I feel like if you're going somewhere with someone you don't know super well, like, you can't go wrong with the Cheesecake Factory because they have every possible thing that you could possibly want to eat is represented on that menu. I was surprised when I was,

when I was looking at the reviews, cause it's been, it's been many years since I've been the, the breadth of vegan options. There was a lot of discourse in the reviews about like great vegetarian, vegan options. And I'm like, well,

of course it's given the size of the menu. They've added that particular layer in. And I'm like, that makes a lot of sense. Alf, when was the last? Do you have any memories? 2017.

Oh, my God. Here we go. Would have been the last time. Oh, my God. I just, oh, my God. I just knocked something over. Am I okay? Do I sound any different than I did?

What? No. Okay. Did you spill a drink? No, I pulled a cord and everything kept tumbling. You're fine. The Cheesecake Factory in Boston, Massachusetts, in Back Bay. You know the one. Do you remember?

Do you know that one? Yes, we all know it. I'm picturing it right now. Yeah, we all know. I went there with some friends in college, and I remember getting, I think, some kind of quesadilla, I want to say. And, of course, a large slice of cheesecake. And it was a beautiful time. It's a time I remember fondly, full of friendship and love and laughter.

I do remember being kind of put off by it because I had only recently moved to Boston from Virginia. And Virginia, you don't have to put the calories on the menu. That's not like a thing they do. So that's what I wanted. And that's what I wanted. And then I remember going to Boston and seeing that and going, ew. Sorry, what was that? A question about me?

I was going to say, are you from Virginia? I am. Where? Charlottesville. Okay. I'm a Nova girl. I'm from Fairfax County. They're always from Northern Virginia.

They're never from the rest of Virginia. They never areax county they're always from northern virginia they're never from the rest of virginia they never are and they always so excited they go you're from virginia and they're like waiting for me to say fairfax arlington so you're basically from whoville because isn't that supposed to be isn't that the isn't that the rumor that the i'm sorry no i don't know yes you've never heard this okay i the lore when I was growing up is that the man who was Dr. Seuss, I don't know what his real name is. Dr. Theodore Goisel, I believe. But I'm obsessed with like, just like the man who was and that is their real name.

And the man who was Dr. Seuss. The man who was Dr. Seuss. The artist known as Dr. Seuss. He lived in Charlottesville, kind of like above UVA. No idea. And that he based the Grinch off himself. The Grinch? Yes, that he is the Grinch and that the students of UVA saying wah-hoo-wah are the Hoos.

That is what I always heard growing up. I'm not going to look it up. I'm going to choose to believe that for the rest of my life. That is so, like, you are Grinch, Al. Okay, starting our friendship, our group friendship with also all the listeners, no one look this up. Please don't.

Take that, no one look this up. This is great lore. The students of UVA are the who's, because they say wahoo wah. They do. I love that. I'm not looking it up. But yeah, the calories on the menu um but yeah the calories on the menu yeah the calories on the menu i didn't like it and i was like i don't want to know that i don't know why you're putting it on there and i was like is this a boston thing this is a cheesecake

factory thing i don't fucking know and so that maybe tainted my experience a little bit um i'll be honest um the there is a cheesecake factory that if anyone lives in los angeles if anyone has been to the grove if anyone has been to the amc theaters inside the grove in los angeles the amc theaters the the most iconic cheesecake factory to me i mean listen we all know it's like cheesecake factory the design doesn't make any sense it is everything in one it is it is the columns the gold the grease it is so bizarre it's like a las vegas residency of a restaurant and but the one in the grove in los angeles is very discreet because it also has you walk into the lobby of this amc theaters you look up

and there are uh there is like a balcony of tables. The AMC and the Cheesecake Factory are connected. So you can get tables in this Cheesecake Factory that look out over inside into the lobby of this movie theater. And it is so confounding. And I haven't been to that one yet, but I want to go and get a lobby view seat. Wow. It's like a combination Pizza Hut Taco Bell, but it's an AMC Cheesecake Factory. AMC Cheesecake Factory. That's incredible.

That's incredible. It's like if you want, what a night, what a double feature of like, I'm going to people watch at AMC and then I'm going to go watch a movie and also have some cheesecake. It's really, I cannot get over the architecture of that place it's so bizarre that wow i think that i'm coming to a realization about myself in this moment which is that okay i don't think i'm a cheesecake factory person i think i've i like the more that you're talking about the cheesecake. What does that mean? Well, I think if you put me on a road diverging in the wood. I haven't been to one since high school. And there's a cheesecake factory down one path.

There's an olive garden down another path. Okay. Okay? There's a red lobster and apple bees. Lot of paths. Lot of paths. It's diverging a lot. Okay?

Shailene Woodley, divergent. Get into it. I would not. Not divergent. get into it. I would not, I think the Cheesecake Factory would be the last path I would go down to be perfectly honest. I think I would go first Olive Garden. Wow. Maybe second would be Applebee's. Yeah.

I just don't, for me, Cheesecake Factory is bottom, bottom, bottom of the list. Wow. That's crazy. For that kind of realm of establishment.

For you, is it up there? Is it ahead of Olive Garden? It's not ahead of Olive Garden. Hard to be, right? Because of the unlimited breadsticks and because of the familial environment. When you're there. When you're there, you're blood relatives. Yeah, exactly.

So Olive Garden is definitely going gonna be the top for me but then i think it's cheesecake factory over applebee's and outback steakhouse yeah i think i would do i'm gonna throw one out there i think i'm doing chilies first i'm thinking chilies i love chilies and then i'm gonna do and then i'm gonna do cheesecake and then i'm gonna do applebee's and then olive garden that to do Applebee's, and then Olive Garden. That's fascinating to me, because in my head, Chili's and Applebee's... They're the same. I mean, they're cousins, not sisters.

They're ultimately the same. They are right next to each other. They aren't to me... No, 100%. No, you know what I'm doing first? What are you doing? BJ's. Excuse me?

Do you know about BJ's? Or is that just a regional thing? I've heard a rumor. BJ's Brewhouse? Shut the fuck up. What are you talking about? BJ's Brewhouse, it is within the same realm. It's probably a little bit nicer than an Applebee's because it's also a brewery.

But it's within that same kind of... La-dee-da, Coastal Elite over here. It's a brewery. Whatever. You can get cookie cakes. They call them p you can get cookie cakes they call them pizookies there and they call them a who what pizookie we would go after high school theater performances wow nightmare nightmare yeah that poor server an inversion let's get into it right we would always go to ihop we would also go to either ihop it would be opening or closing night we'd do bjs and then the other times we'd go to IHOP.

Wow. It's a special occasion. Wow. What's a pizookie? It's a cookie cake. Just be normal about it. Oh, because it's a pizza cookie. Yes.

I see. You know what? I've actually never put that together, and I feel so stupid. You thought it was just called a cookie cake, and they just called it a pizookie for no reason? Yep. Yep. It's a pizza cookie. Cute. A piz was just called a cookie cake and they just called it a pizookie for no reason? Yep. It's a pizza cookie. A pizookie. A pizza cookie. I have to make some calls.

Let's take a super quick break and then we'll come back and we'll get into reviews for Cheesecake Factory. Then I have a break. and we're back i'd love to start i have some i have some shit to get off my chest um no so i have a review for you if you can can believe it. Stalling for time, desperately scrolling through his camera roll. Scrolling through the camera roll. This is for a little place called Cheesecake Factory. Ever heard of it? In Portland, Oregon, or around that area, that general area. Ever heard of it?

Okay. Wait, I'm so sorry. Before you start, I have such a vivid memory that just came to mind. I remember one of the most blissed out times I've ever been is I went to go see the Simpsons movie in theaters, and then I went to the Cheesecake Factory. And it was like, it was nirvana. Wow. Yeah, that's a beautiful, that's a beautiful night.

It was like really something. I remember my father owning the Simpsons movie. Owning me. He just totally pwned my ass. Come on. Owning the Simpsons movie soundtrack on CD. Great soundtrack. And it was like came in a cd

case that looked like a donut beautiful because homer simpson loves a donut and i remember that very vividly being like what the hell is this plastic donut and then i'm being like oh and you tried to eat it it's a simpsons soundtrack. Do you like the Simpsons ride at Universal? I don't think I've ridden that ride. Yeah, that's the thing. Back to the Future was a really, really good ride. That was sick. Yeah, but now you get to hang out with Marge and Lisa and the whole gang. But this is from Jackie K.

Jackie K. Five stars from Jackie K. We need a last name. Elise, can you give us a last name for Jackie K um Jackie Klepto Jackie Klepto you're crazy for that

Jackie's crazy Jackie Klepto says five stars out of town folks in town for mom's funeral looking for a place to commiserate, heal and begin the recovery process. It's amazing how great atmosphere, service and the right type of comfort food can help. Sorry I didn't get pics of my spring rolls, which involved beautiful fresh lettuce leaves and ingredients I selected and wrapped myself.

This is a five star. Recommend all the way from a party of three thank you cheesecake factory for providing an oasis of rest nourishment and tender loving care sorry i'm gonna need you to read it again okay i can't do out of town folks in town for mom's funeral looking for a place that's where i need to something stand out for that out of town what is the punctuation out of town folks in town for is it like i'm sorry i just let me get my spectacles so the actual text verbatim and i did realize now i missed a word out of town folks now in town for mom's funeral now i missed the now out of town folks now in town for there's no punctuation it's just out of town folks now in town for mom's funeral.

I see. I thought that it was like she was giving a call to action to out of town folks. Out of town folks who are here for mom's funeral. You gotta go to the cheesecake factory. No, I really thought that. If you are here for a funeral, there is only one option. But I also want to flag. I'm so glad it wasn't just me. The cheesecake Factory responded. Okay.

And they said, thank you so much for this review, Jackie. We're glad you and your party enjoyed our Thai lettuce wraps, avocado egg rolls, salads, and attentive service. But they don't mention the death. They don't mention the actual they don't mention the actual the funeral our condolences also don't say our condolences our condolences

they just list their order back to them and say glad you enjoyed sorry about your mom and it's also just like referring to it anywhere as an oasis of rest nourishment and

tender loving care the grief counselors at Cheesecake Factory that has to be like the most beautiful prose ever written about the Cheesecake Factory for sure it's pretty I was pretty moved i thought to myself i've never been to a cheesecake factory post-funeral and maybe that's the move

you know maybe that would make funerals better i like that she listed that she wrapped the myself that i yeah yeah i was at first i was like what's going on here and then i'm like no she Yes, that I wrapped myself. That I, yeah. DIY. Yeah, it was, at first I was like, what's going on here? And then I'm like, no, she, she clearly felt, you know, more connected to her meal because of that. They know they're, they train the servers and like, you know, you got to give them space. You got to give them tender loving care when they need it. But also like, don't infantilize them. Like they can do the lettuce wraps. Like they can make the spring rolls with their own hands but also

like you're gonna want to be attentive yeah exactly i really like the idea of like are you like you're fending your hearts like sorry it's like we're here for my mom uh god we were here for she was she was here um so you don't need to know all this, but I will take the, just like the Thai lettuce cups and a Diet Coke for now. I think, what else do you guys want? Sorry, how many is it going to be? I just want to get you guys seated before I take your order.

Oh yeah, oh my God, no, it's just me and my sister today, sorry. It's just us. Are you guys, booth, bar, table? Well, I'm out of town. I'm from out of town. Okay. And I'm really just in town.

And I just needed just a calm kind of oasis where I could gather my thoughts immediately after my mother's passing. Oh, my. Oh, oh my. So she just passed. She just passed. I'm really sorry. We're coming to that. You know, it feels like a minute and it also feels like a lifetime without her at this point. Would you?

So I guess Booth? Yeah, okay. I was going to say, is the Booth more of an oasis? Maybe some privacy? Oh my God. It absolutely is. What is your name? You are just so lovely.

Darren. Darren. Darren, is there maybe a booth where we could see AMC movie goers kind of getting ready to go to the theater? Just get our minds off of up here. I just want to watch other people living. That's beautiful. Oh my God. Honestly,

Olive, thank you so much for saying that. Cause it's just like, I have been all day just like, you know, and listen, Darren, you haven't done anything wrong.

Obviously you've been a saint, but it's like there's sometimes I look at you. I'm like, I bet your mom's alive. Sometimes you look at me and you feel that. Sometimes I look at you. Sometimes I steal a glance and i just think sorry if we matter you're alive i just mean like since we walked in the door you know just sometimes

they'll just she's so good darren she's so good at reading energy that's kind of always been my sister i am my sister's so good at reading energy i when i look around i have no idea whose mom is here or not no i have to tell you i have to tell you all the time i have to i point them out you know as we were walking here from the funeral i say like that person's mom's dead alive dead alive hospice and i said i never estrangement you can tell you said alive but they haven't spoken. And I can't tell at all. Well, I have a couple options for booths. I have one right here that you can see the line for concessions and also the bathroom line from this one. Is there one of those views you would prefer?

You know, I don't think there's anything more human than going to the bathroom and I need humanity right now. Well, I need to see humanity right now. And you know what? So Darren, I just want to, no,

sorry. I'm sorry. No, I just hope this isn't too forward, but I mean what you were saying about, there's nothing more human. you know, I have heard that sometimes when people pass,

they themselves go to the restroom. Um, that that can be a, something themselves go to the restroom um that that can be something that happens as the body relaxes and so i did happen did it i had a feeling and i can read energies too a little and i had the energy sense from you guys that maybe that i was just gonna say darren you know it's like you and i i feel like we're you know the energy but my sister olive i mean like she doesn't give herself enough credit all of you really don't it's like sure i may be able to read energy but like you're all about humanity that's like your whole

thing it's like anyone who knows you it's like oh she's so like with it she's so with people she's so grounded and like just gets like you know no pun intended but it's like she gets like the deep shit i just like in humanity i just love people And I love to see people peopling. And that's one of the things that. Adults adulting. Like you're all about that. I love that word adulting. I love.

I love that. I love that. Because there's so much power into that. Because it means doing the things an adult would do. Yes. And there's power in that. Burying your mother is right up there, I think. Burying your mother is adulting.

It is. Oh my God, you are adulting so hard today. We are really adulting right now. Absolutely. So I'm going to put you guys over here by the restroom. Is that right?

Great. Yes. Okay. And your server will be over any minute. Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, I'm just the host. I'm just the host. I just see people handle the reservations. I'm not. That's not my role. There's someone else for that. Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, I'm just the host. I'm just the host. I just see people handle the reservations.

I'm not. That's not my role. There's someone else for that. Oh, Darren, I don't think that's going to work for us. No, you're going to love him. He's great. You're going to love him. Okay.

I just didn't realize we were going to be introducing someone else into this. No. But I love people. I didn't either. I love people. But I just, I got to say, as the energy energy girl I can already tell I don't think I'm gonna like this person I'm gonna say that right now

As someone who's known him I think you're really gonna love him He's super great If she's saying it it's usually true I'm just saying I haven't even seen him But I'm getting like a feral kind of energy That seems unfair we'll see won't we But you guys I'm gonna give you aeral kind of energy from this guy. Okay, that seems unfair. We'll see, won't we?

But you guys, I'm going to give you a moment to get settled. He'll be right over. His name is Magnum. Okay. Of course it is. Okay. What was that? Darren, thank you for everything.

Yeah, absolutely. Can I take your hand? Oh my God, she loves doing this. Can I really take your hand? A wedding? No, just to hold. No, she loves doing this. Can I really take your hand? A wedding? No, just to hold. No, she can see your whole thing. Oh, okay. Just to hold for a moment.

Oh, just to hold my hand. Just let her take a look. That's okay. Your aura, it's very weak. Oh. But gentle. And so that's something you're going to want to be people will take advantage of that just know that

that's my parting thought for you and it's so amazing because as much as she says she's not good with energies like weirdly she's good if you hold her hand that's when well that's a touch, tactile I'm very tactile it's a humanity thing I'm very tactile. She's so human.

It's a humanity thing. I'm very tactile. And so I just want to, I just want to say that what I felt having your palm in my palm is that people will, your whole life, they're going to try, they're going to try you and you shouldn't let them. You should not let them. You really shouldn't let them oh my god you should not let them you really shouldn't you should listen to her yeah i mean i'll be honest i mean i've worked here for three years and i'm still a host and time and time again i've seen people you know like

magnum for example has come in here and i trained him on a host and now he's a server before i'm a server like where's the fairness i guess and that's what we're saying because but my sister who's a reader of energy and me who's a lover of people we met you and we said surely this is our server surely this is and you know what it's i guess i didn't know that that was the chain of command i didn't know that it was host to server i didn't know that yeah it's actually a pretty typical um flow in terms of training um in the in the food service um well i guess but no so again there is a line at the stand the host stand so i will have to get back there but it was been really it's been really lovely meeting you they'll be lucky to have you and i'm so and i'm so sorry to hear again about your mother thank you thank you

i'll leave you ladies in peace for a moment okay okay mom would have loved it here she really would have there's some there's something about this place now i wonder if they have anything that i can build with my hands. Oh my god. That's honestly what you need right now is to do something with your hands. Tactile. I need something I can just build right here at the table from the ground up.

The biggest man you've ever seen walks onto your table. Just like a giant man. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Howdy, ladies. Did I scare you? Oh. Oh, my goodness. You have your fright? Uh, no, not quite. I think I know who you are. You must be Magnum.

Oh, my reputation precedes me, I see. In a way. Magnum, we'll my reputation precedes me, I see. In a way. Magnum, we'll make this easy on you. Look, our mom just passed, and we had such a great experience with Darren, and we're just kind of looking to order and enjoy our meal together

as sisters. My sister's from out of town, and so she's heading back in a couple hours. Did your mom live here? That in a couple hours. Did your mom live here? That's a long story. I'm just confused how she's from out of town, but you're clearly from here. If you're not saying you're from out of town.

Don't get all of started on where our mom is from. Because you know how some people and I love people. And you'll learn this about me as you take our order. Some people, they're not from anywhere. And that was our mom. And so where she lived, where she passed, you know, these are all just places that were part of the rich tapestry of her life. So yeah, she dropped dead here in this town and that's why the funeral was here.

Dropped dead, pooped her pants. It was a lot. Wow. But you live here, the other one. I live here, yeah. Well, because I followed her. Someone's got to keep an eye on her. So you were following her and you lived here But she didn't live here

You're getting it I don't want to bother you ladies anymore Than I already have Can I get you started with something to drink? I mean that's a long That's a long story. That's a really, really hard question. Take your time.

Take your time. Our mom would always ask us, can I get you something to drink? Can I get you something to drink? Really? Yes. And then she would always forget, and she wouldn't get it. Always. She would always forget.

God, sorry. We don't want to bore you with this. I mean, look, I'll take um i'll take a diet coke okay uh all of please it's on me all of you travel all the way out here whatever you of course of course okay of course okay then i guess i'll do a really like a big margarita. Okay. I think that's what my mom would want. The biggest you have. Jumbo.

Yes. Jumbo margarita. I don't see that on the menu. That's one of the only items I don't see on the menu but if you could just Oh, our bartender Magpie, she is a whiz.

She can put up she can whip anything up. You don't need to worry about her. Just tell her to put margarita mix in a bowl and I'll slurp that up. You do want the alcohol in it? Yeah, I do. I want the alcohol. You don't just want a bowl of margarita mix?

Because that's what it sounded like for a second. It did. And I understand the confusion that I caused. I just want to make sure you guys get what you want. What I want is a traditionally made margarita, alcohol margarita mix. In a bowl. Salt on the rim in a bowl. Okay. And then I'll just kind of slurp that up over here.

All righty. Magnum, I don't like you. Pardon? Yeah. I'm sorry. Yeah. I just. What do you mean i uh i read people yeah real well my sister's a very good reader of energy and all you've been doing is like oh you want it in a bowl

oh you want that it's like we are in the most fragile state we could be in. We're orphans now. Yeah. I don't think that applies to you. We are 38 year old. You can't be an orphan. Orphan. You have to be a kid. Prerequisite. I don't think that's true. I don't think that's true at all.

Magnum, I don't think that's true at all. Maybe early twenties. Maybe early twenties. I'll give you 38, not an orphan, not an orphan. This is the point.

Magnum, I feel like, is that what you need? I'm sorry. Like, no, it's, I'm sorry. Not an orphan. And this is the point. Magnum, I feel like- We don't see eye to eye. Is that what you need? I'm sorry. No, it's, I'm sorry. Can I read you for a minute? Can I read you for a minute? The minute you walked in here,

I sense your energy. That you're a has-been, tag-along, follows your mother around like a lost puppy looking for home until she drops dead in the middle of nowhere you didn't read that you just said that because i told you that that's what happened okay well and don't you gasp over here other one i read you too minute you walked in yes i did you did not yes i did i said you're obsessed with watching people go to the bathroom

you've got a weird kink you love to watch people go to the restroom. You've got a weird kink. You love to watch people go to the restroom. She's not, it's not a sexual thing. She loves people. And I love people. And you tell people you can only get them if you touch them. You're always touching strangers and watching them piss. No, you're taking it out of context.

That is such a bad faith reading of my personality where you're taking everything and you're making it the worst possible version. Oh, she loves to watch people piss. Like, no, that's not what it is. She loves people being people. She loves people. I love adulting. Adulting.

I love watching people adulting. Interesting. Loves adulting. Calls herself an orphan. Kind of a clash there. Are we sensing that? You can be an adult orphan. I really don't. You can be an adult orphan i really don't

be an adult orphan okay little orphan annie how old do we think well she's little that's why they had to specify that she was little why would they have to say that she was little i concede that one all of her twist already all of her twist how old just a guy he's just a boy okay a boy he's just couldn't be any age it could be any age he He's just a boy. Couldn't be any age. It could be any age. He could be any age. Oh, you're saying the name Oliver Twist couldn't be any age. Because he was in an orphanage. Do you know who goes to orphanages?

Orphans. Yes. Yes. So we agree. And not adult ones. Then what are you looking at right now? I'm looking at two grown orphans. Sad.

Who just are looking to grieve their mother in peace in an oasis with bread and bowls of alcohol. Please, sir. Is that too much to ask? Can we have our bowls? Please, sir. Oh, my God. Now you've done it. Now you've honestly.

Who is this? What is she doing? What is that? Now you've got me doing my accents. Now you've got me doing your accent work wow that was really powerful and so and add in her whole thing of like she just loves people and so her whole thing is like i want to just be do you take requests anybody i have in the past can i film you what what is wrong with i'm just saying, could I film you doing one? Doing my accents?

Yeah, or an impression or something. Yeah. Why? I don't know. Are you a social media? Are you famous? I'm not famous, but in a way. What does that mean?

Well, I'm a micro-celebrity. Magn i'm a micro celebrity magnum the micro celebrity yeah there's a group of a few thousand people online who follow my every move cut to magnum's instagram live hey guys another shit day at the office and by the office i mean the cheesecake fuck me fuck me Terry anyway um so yeah I'm thinking of quitting but um I don't know are you live yeah what's up we've asked you not to go live when you're on the floor uh do you see a table who needs something yes I don't your entire section is up in arms right now okay I'll get to it Jesus Christ I'm not allowed to break? You're allowed to break when it's your break time This isn't your break time

What is it? Victoria in London? Magnum come to Brazil What is it? Victoria in London? We don't allow breaks Stop that What?

You don't like my Stop that Whatever man I'll go to the tables I guess Get back to your tables please I'm going to I'll go to the tables, I guess. Get back. Get back to your tables, please. I'm going to. And don't tag me in this.

You're so funny. Okay. At stupid fucking boss on Instagram. Magnum, you're so funny. Oh, thanks, user. I love your name, by the way. I think I got to go back to work, you guys. But no, come to Brazil. No, by the way. I think I got to go back to work, you guys. No, come to Brazil.

No, I can't. I mean, maybe if the Patreon picks up. Maybe if the Patreon picks up. Come on, guys. Then I don't have to come to work anymore. But for now, I'm working. So Brazil is pretty far, too. So I probably won't go there.

Would you guys want to meet a girl who does accents let's do our next review wow what a rich tapestry much like your mother's life a rich tapestry you know I really

there's something so moving about someone who just loves humanity so much that they just want to watch people piss and shit people right before they piss and right before and right after they it's the contrast it's the contrast i don't need to see i don't want to see i don't need or want to see it happening i want to see like who you need or want to see it happening I want to see like who you are before and after we have a two star

and a five star okay I guess I was gonna say I haven't heard we haven't heard negative yet yes we just heard

a glowingly positive great experience um so this user this is for this is for the Cheesecake Factory in the in the grove the amc the very one um so this person wrote a four-star review five years ago over five years ago wow um and

that one's very long but then they responded to this this is, uh, at the time of recording, this was 17 days ago that they wrote this two star one. So, uh, the initials are C U. Can we get a name for C U? You guys get to go crazy on this one first and last. Ooh, crazy.

Um, Catherine umpire. Catherine umpire. Catherine ummpire Catherine Umpire Catherine Umpire two stars so we've got what was the first one something klepto

yeah and Catherine Umpire it was Jackie Klepto Jackie Klepto this is two stars from Catherine Umpire even worse than my last visit the food arrived cold

my wife's pasta was not only cold but slopped on the plate like prison food. My ribeye was cold along with the mashed potatoes. We both returned plates. I kind of finished my steak but my wife's dish was inedible. Manager never offered so I requested it be removed from my bill. No bread on the table, had to ask for it. The three margaritas I ordered were served in a regular water glass full of ice and no salt. Don't you have margarita glasses? Taste it like a soft drink. A glass of wine at $20 is armed robbery. You're just an enhanced coffee shop, not a boutique restaurant, but you charge like one and serve like Denny's. I felt like I threw

my money away. Should have learned from my last visit. Wow. This guy had three margaritas and a glass of wine. This guy was absolutely shit house drunk. Three margs and a glass of wine. And he didn't like how any of them were served. He said the first margarita just came

in a fucked up glass. I'm getting two more. Exactly. Why would you keep getting the margarita? The first a fucked up glass i'm getting two more i'm exactly why would you keep getting the margarita he's like well surely the next time has to be in a margarita glass yeah and then the last one he was like i don't remember ordering two margaritas they came in water glasses it's also it all it sounds like he's trying really hard to like roast them, but it just really misses the mark of like, you're just a glorified coffee shop. It's like, that doesn't even make any sense. It's like, I've heard a lot of negative things about the Cheesecake Factory. I've never heard that.

I've never once thought this is just a glorified coffee shop. There's never been a thought in my mind that you would, that I've never even thought it was akin to any kind of coffee shop. That is a restaurant. Service like a Denny's. Okay. So fine. So like normal service. I think the one thing,

I think he thought he was going hard at first by being like, it's slopped on her plate, like prison food. And then he's like, Oh yeah, that's all right. Let's keep going. Like I feel kind of hard.

Yeah. Okay. I'm in my, i'm in the pocket creatively right now i'm in the pocket but then he really loses it when he says we return both plates i kind of finished my steak which is like one bite left then don't include one bite left on the plate yeah it's not it's not strong enough on either side to be like oh well at least i ate my steak. Or I didn't like my steak. I kind of finished it. Yeah, that doesn't mean anything. I was a server for a long time. And there is definitely a kind of person that orders like a six-piece appetizer.

You know, it's like six dumplings or something. Right. They eat five of them. Yes. And then they go, sorry sorry this isn't what we ordered what oh sorry no we didn't sorry we didn't actually mean to order i think we had asked for something else and you're like well you ate 90 of it yeah and you're never sure it's like are you the dumbest person on earth or Or are you just trying to scam the restaurant?

Or are you the smartest? Yeah, or are you brainiac? But it is weird when people, like, I worked at this one sushi restaurant where the dumplings were like fake meat. They weren't real meat. It was like a soy protein, but it was very meat adjacent. And the menu said, you know, vegetarian, and and people would order them and sometimes vegetarians would freak out and be like whoa i think this is meat and people would order it and eat every single last one and then wave me over and go did those have meat in it and i'm like well no but also

wouldn't you have checked before you polished off the plate yeah I think I'm getting sorry I think I'm getting worked up I think this one got me worked up no it's okay it's funny to be like I can't consume meat I did eat all of these I hope they weren't

meat I hope they weren't meat there's something about the energy of the review that, oh, also really quick, I will say, I'm not going to read the whole first review, but what he does say, he goes, very high price for not being a quote-unquote fine dining restaurant. It's more of a family place full of kids and youngsters.

Really took a nosedive to Glorified Coffee Shop. And for it being that there's something it's like the coffee shop aspect of it is so far away from what it actually is and the service like done it's like it's giving like a bad roast or like someone or like a bad rat bottle that is just like you really think you're going in but it could not be any less offensive. And he also kept being like, I should have learned after the last time, but the last time he gave a four-star review. So that's actually pretty good. So, I mean, the last time it seems like

you had a completely different experience. It wasn't a five-star experience, but to say I should have learned you rated four stars. five-star experience. But to say I should have learned, you rated four stars. I don't understand that. I don't understand the logic of that. It doesn't make sense. You gave it an 80 the first time,

four out of five, it's an 80%. Now you're giving me the 20. It's been great. Yeah. And you're saying I should have learned. Learned what? From whom? Okay, well, guys, like, I know you're saying I should have learned Learned what? From whom?

Okay, well, guys Like, I know you're my older brothers But you don't have to be so mean Like, I'm just trying to I'm just trying to, like, figure out the best way To get my bully back at school So, like, sure, maybe my insults are great But that's why I'm coming to you guys Because you guys are the meanest kids

I've ever met in my life So, maybe you guys could help me think of some insults to get my bully back. Okay, well first of all, let me just start off this conversation by saying you're fucking stupid and you look like shit. Dude, that's what I'm talking about. Come on, that's so, like, I'm trying

so hard not to cry because it's like you guys are masterful at this. I'm literally puking talking to you. I'm seconded. Oh my god. It's like watching Michelangelo paint. But the thing is if you're gonna go

hard on a guy like Ricky Delvecchio you're gonna have to come. Don't even say his name. Dude, but you're gonna. The thing is name dude but you're gonna the thing is you got to get comfortable you got that's part of the that's part of the insult is you got to get comfortable can we riff on his name and stuff the stuff that you've been saying it doesn't really make sense you know what was his name again him with that name again ricky del vecchio Ricky Del Vecchio? Let me cook. Let me cook. Cook on it. Cook on that.

More like Ricky Del Licky My Balls, yo. That's really good. Come on. That's really good. You see, I had a sweaty piece of paper. I had written down some like, I was thinking like maybe like, oh, Ricky's so sticky. Like he's like a, he's been eating so much sugar. He's like a little baby. From sugar? Yeah, it's like he's been eating so much sugar he's like a little baby yeah it's like he's been eating a lot of sugar like a baby does he do that does he do that is

that based in truth he could but he does whatever no i'm skipping it i'm skipping it because you guys don't like it i'll do the next one okay ricky oh ricky's so sicky he always comes to school when he has the sniffles and it's putting people in danger no that one he actually does do that one he does that's pretty good he shouldn't come to school sick so okay okay sicky ricky sicky do you think he might think that it's like oh he's so sick that's true he might turn it on you misinterpret he might say wait yeah ricky is sicky and you're just a lame-ass little shit i hate you yeah that's something that you really have to think about in insults is making sure that they can't reclaim it for themselves and turn it into a positive because that's something he could change he could he could make sick ricky

sicky ricky his handle it could become his whole thing so you thing. So you don't want to give him that. I don't want to give him Sicky Ricky. No, I don't want to give him that. You don't want to give him that. Okay, what about Rick? You ain't slick. Yeah, it feels like we're back in the sticky territory. And one thing about him is

he kind of is slick. He's a pretty cool kid. No, what are you talking about he's a cool kid kid i no what are you talking he's a cool kid he beat the shit out of me on my birthday there's like i know no dude i saw the video and the thing is like he had moves he did it it was really just like a really swift slick kick and you were down mortal calm you were down for the count it wasn't like unnecessarily cruel either he like was kind of what are you talking about

he didn't kick you once you were down he like kind of dropped you and then walked away it looked really cool it gave off the feeling that he could have done much worse to you but he held back but he did drop you.

No, he fully picked me up and just let me go. And he's not a big kid. It was pretty impressive that he lifted you like that. Normally I would say definitely go for his size, definitely do that

but the fact that there is now this pretty intensely viral video of him, just, just kind of destroying you. Like really the last time I checked, it only had a couple hundred. yeah, it was pretty, the thing that stands out to me about the video now looking back is the way

that like, after you were on the ground, you were like yelling like world star, world star, world star. And like, you were trying to were, like, yelling, like, Worldstar! Worldstar! Worldstar! Yeah. And, like, you were trying to make it, like, a thing, like, as if it had been, like, a fight.

When it wasn't a fight, he just kind of dropped you. Well, no, I mean, like, I was, like, I was really, like, dealing out some blows. Like... Not that I saw. From what you guys taught, you guys have taught me so much about fighting,

so I was just, like, trying to make you guys proud. I've never taught you anything by fighting on purpose I'll say that if you've learned something by osmosis of me kicking the shit out of you maybe that's possible yeah but the bottom line is fight bros did pick up the video

and it's going pretty yeah it's on fight bros and people are rooting for me I mean would you would you took too long genuine answer would you if you saw it i guess not you come off really bad i'm gonna be honest with you just just bro just brothers brothers to brothers putting aside all the stuff i said about you fucking sucking and looking like shit and stuff just for real brother to brother

you come off extremely bad in the video and Ricky comes off like maybe like a superhero like a really strong and cool can I be honest? small, strong, cool

like Tom Holland oh my god, honestly honestly looks a lot like no you're so right because tom holland it's like he's not the biggest guy but like he's strong he's really spider-man have you seen him lip sync to umbrella no it's amazing ricky could never no ricky could do that i think ricky no you're lying can i be honest though bro honestly i saw the video and it might just be the editing you know they can do crazy stuff on there now but it really looks like you start it like it looks like you like he was just minding his own business at his locker and then you walked up to him and you were like sticky sticky ricky sticky dick dicky

small dicky ricky and it just like really didn't like and he's like no man i don't want to talk to you about this and like you just keep going and then he just like finally gets so sick of it he just like kicks you one and done you get dropped yeah and then i dropped yeah so it does feel like you started it like is that well i? Well, I mean, no. So here's what actually happened. Okay. Cut to the school hallway. Oh, hey, hey, hey, Ricky.

Stop. I don't want to do this, man. Whatever this is. Oh, you don't want to do this. Oh, look at him. Oh, Slicky Dicky. Slicky Dicky doesn't want to deal with the repercussions of his I just I want to let you know I want to let you know, man to man

that I'm very powerful and if you continue if you continue down this path I'm gonna drop you oh yeah you're gonna drop me oh, you think you're dicky, so slicky

that you can just drop me that's disgusting no no i i'm not disgusting he's the one with the slicky dicky he's so sticky no guys come on i want everyone to know that what's about to happen, it hurts me to do this. No, Ricky, you don't have to do it. I have to. Oh, yeah, I bet it really hurts you, Slicky Dicky Ricky. I have to. Okay, we support you, Ricky. Okay.

We'll tell everyone you had no choice. Ricky picks him up, drops, and kicks. World star! World star! World star! World star! World star! World star! Please, no.

Guys, please put your phones away. Please. I don't want to go viral for this again. Young men! Gentlemen! Yes? Yes, Principal Weathers? Are we fighting in the hallway?

Unfortunately, a fight has occurred. I did everything that I could to prevent it from taking place. Principal Weathers, he just beat the shit out of me. I had to stand up for myself. And I had to. He was saying all sorts of things that don't make sense. He was making the other students uncomfortable with the stuff he was saying. Are you kidding me?

We're all on the same page. I don't care who started it. Okay? Oh, my God. This is so nards. Sorry? Principal Weathers, I will take any consequence as a result of this. Ricky, that is enough out of you.

He's just trying to say that to make him look like a big man. And you too. What's your name again? I've seen you around. Me? Yeah. I'm Jordan. Last name?

Smorden. Smorden! I know your brothers. They came through these hallways just the same. Yeah, they did. And I'm not surprised that a Smorden would do this, but Ricky, buddy. You know, I'm not proud of it either. And I really didn't want to have to resort to violence.

Yeah, right. You were foaming at the mouth. You couldn't wait to drop me. I don't like having to use my power like this. I don't like having to use my power like this. Your power. If I had to give a psychological read on the situation, I would say that Jordan has spent his life being beaten on by his two brothers.

And the fact that. Like you know anything about me, Sticky. That his name rhymes. People, I know I've never done it, but I know people have, you know, not been kind about it and i think i think ultimately jordan is hurting more from what has happened in his life than he is from me picking him up and kicking him across the hall and that's what i really think i think that's a good read honestly um you don't you don't you don't know shit hey jordan you don't know shit jordan i want to call you in i don't want to call you out jordan i want to call you in yeah okay don't want to call you out, Jordan. I want to call you in. Call me into the cool kids office.

That's where I'll be. And you're not allowed in there. There's no such thing as the cool kids office. And if there was. Cool kids wouldn't have an office. I'm just saying that, really. Students like Ricky would be in there. Not students like you.

Thank you, Principal. You're saying call me there. Not students like you. Thank you, Principal Weathers. What were you going to say? You were going to say, call me in. Not that I care. What I want to say to you is that I actually think you're really smart. Okay? And I didn't plagiarize your Wuthering Heights article, or your essay, but I was really impressed. And it was a beautiful article. It was a beautiful article. It was an article.

It was a beautiful article in the paper, in the local paper. Yeah, you know what? You know what, Jordan? I read your blog, okay? And I think you're really talented. And I've seen your drawings,

all that anime that you're doing, and I think you're really talented. Anime? And I think that if you took some of that creative energy and you focused it in a positive way instead of what you're doing, I think other kids in school would respond. I've settled it. Okay? Principal Weathers chiming back in.

I have a solution you both will be free from any punishment for this expellable offense might i remind you i would be punished because i was one who was bullied incessantly you were saying slick dick he has a slick dick just slicky dicky i think and then whatever whatever i'm letting you both off okay i just don't want the records to be clear. Yeah, what's the condition? On the one condition, you guys

write me a proposal about why you want to start an anime club. Oh. And if you guys start an anime club here at the school and you agree to be co-presidents of the club, then I will let you do whatever you like and be free of the consequence from your violent actions. Does that sound reasonable?

Jordan, can we sidebar? Yeah. More like, more like, I'll, I'll, fuck it. Yeah. Jordan, can we sidebar? Yeah. More like, more like, I'll, I'll, fuck it. Yeah. Jordan, can we sidebar? As men, can we sidebar? Yes. Yes.

What? My nose just has not stopped bleeding. What? Okay. Jordan, I don't know anything about anime. Oh, clearly. Just from your, I just saw your drawings, and I think that the girls that you're drawing look pretty hot. I think they're pretty sexy.

I think some of the tentacle stuff is crazy. Thank you, that was the intended effect. Yeah, no, I'm mostly just kind of into these tentacle drawings that you're doing during class. But I don't want you to get expelled. Like I said, I think you're troubled. And so I'll start the club with you but you know, you're gonna have to Don't pity me. I don't want you to do this out of pity.

I don't want you to start the anime. It is out of pity. Fuck! It is out of pity. It'll be out of pity that I do it but I just But you said you like the tentacle drawings I like the tentacle drawings Yeah I'm a man I'm a red blooded American man

I like the tentacle drawings That you're doing during class And if it's You know If this anime thing is mostly tentacle drawings Then sure I'll do the I'll do the club It is mostly the tentacle stuff

At least my version. Honestly, my kind of like personal statement as an artist is I want tentacles for all. See, and that's what, that's the type of stuff you should be thinking about. This is what you should be spending your time on, man. Not that shit at my locker. Not all this sticky rhyming stuff. Okay. You should be focused. You should be focused on your blogging and your tentacle drawings. My tentacle blog and my tentacle art. Yeah.

Yeah. Ricky, can I be honest with you about something? Yeah, always, man. In these past 10 minutes, you've been more of a brother to me than than Blorden and Gordon ever have. Yeah, well, Blorden and Gordon are assholes.

And everybody, you might not be able to see that, but everybody else sees that. And you don't need to be modeling yourself after Blorden and Gordon, okay? Because Blorden and Gordon, as far as I know, they don't know how to draw cool tentacle drawings. They don't know how to draw tentacles going in a cleavage. They don't know how to do that, but I do. And that's something that they can never take away from me. Looks like my

work here is done. And remember boys, every time an anime club starts, a principal gets his wings. Okay. I expected invite to the first meeting. Principal Weathers, I think this is going to be a thing for us.

For the students and the principal, of course. I don't feel comfortable having you be part of this Principal Weathers as someone who is cool I think that's kind of my expertise is being cool being well liked and stuff I think if you come to the anime club it's going to really

stunt the growth of the anime club no I think we can make it a really cool sexy space for the students but if you're there it's not gonna take the erotic energy down i honestly want that i'm so glad you said because i always think that school should be an erotic place for students for the students but once you're there yes then yeah no i get that that could be weird um i maybe i'll start my own for the teachers.

Do I have your blessing? That's your business. Do I have your blessing? You don't need. We're students. You can do whatever you like. You have my blessing. Principal Weathers, you have my blessing to start an anime club for the teachers. You were saying your power was you being able just to pick me up and drop me.

You just showed your power right now. That's your power. You have a gravitas, Ricky. That's your power. Wow. You have a gravitas, Ricky. Or should I say Richard? Wow. You have a gravitas to you. And I love you.

Wow. I love you. Wow. I, you know, in all honesty, I can't say that back to you. Okay. That's okay. I appreciate it. I appreciate the interaction that we've had here. I appreciate the growth that you've shown in this conversation.

And I'm really going to take to heart what you said. Thank you. Principal Weathers, you should not be allowed anywhere near, I don't even want to call it an anime club because it's ultimately just the tentacle stuff and so anime feels like a really generous term for the it's really

I'm drawing tentacles and not even showing everything else it's just the cleavage so it's just going to be kind of different scenarios of that and I don't want you anywhere near that club that's fair I't want you anywhere near that club. That's fair. I'll leave you boys to your own

devices. I'm going to go. He's aged like 50 years. He's walking away so slow. My time in this realm is over. Walking backwards down the hall so

slow. I can return. The clothes fall off. It's just the clothes fall. There's no one there. He's just evaporated. Oh my God. Okay. The power of anime.

Every time an anime club starts in school a principal gets his wings that's what they always say that is so beautiful thank you i think we should do our last segment should we yeah okay i think we should you don't want to do the tentacle stuff for a bit longer you seem really comfortable in that space. Watch this ton of space. This shook me all week long. That's right. We can't do the same tune anymore. We're doing a different song.

We're doing shook me all week long. Normal. Elise, this is the part of the show where we talk. We just like, what has been shaking your ass for better, for worse? What can't you stop thinking about what's been on your mind for the past day, week, month? Tell us about it. Okay. This is something we have covered on the Go Touch Grass Patreon. I ended up writing about it for Jezebel. I cannot stop following the saga of this woman named kala who is digging a tunnel under her home yes yes in my hometown of fairfax county get into it so get into the hole

what is she digging i don't know anything about this okay so basically this woman who has what I would call the most Northern Virginia energy possible, which is that she is very technically smart, but her soft skills are extremely limited. She is always wearing like a pearl necklace and like a perfect manicure and all her tiktoks and she has what okay so it started that she wanted to build a storm shelter under her house and she lives in herndon virginia which is like a suburb it's a classic suburb also you and i can speak to this storm shelter not not necessary from what storm okay from that that was kind of my first thing of like i don't really remember a lot we get storms sure but not hurricanes not tornadoes not that far inland i know well that and that's her other thing is that she keeps being like i'm not a prepper and i'm like like, this is giving prepper. This is prepping.

It's really. You're prepping. Nothing like building a tunnel under your home. That really sends screams prepper. And if you're not a prepper, what are you? You got no business doing that. You have to provide us with an alternative. You can't just say, I'm not a prepper and then do the prepper thing.

So she, what started out as this quote-unquote storm shelter has become like a 30-foot deep tunnel that she has been digging. And she, okay, she's also not an engineer. Vertical, 30-foot down? Down, down. Digging with what? Below the house.

She has all sorts of tools. She made like a mining elevator. I mean, she definitely has a lot of technical skills, but at the end of the day, she is not an engineer. And what she's- That feels dangerous. Yes. So, yeah.

Feels like the house might collapse. Yes. Yeah. So a lot of people started to kind of raise the red flag about that and say, you know, your house might collapse. And she was very like, no, it's fine. I'm crowdsourcing tips for this tunnel on TikTok. And it's fine.

And she does have fierce defenders who are like, let her dig this tunnel, right? Let her dig. Or does she need, I can imagine there's the fear of like hitting a water line or something like that. It's like no permits. No, not, no. And that's the thing that i'm obsessed with because as someone who is literally from the area that this happened in fairfax county is like an hoa paradise like when

i lived in fairfax county you couldn't you couldn't like change your mailbox in Fairfax County. That is not. It's very that. It's also, like, a lot of government employees live. It's literally, like, a rule-following place. That's the vibe. She's a trailblazer. Of the area. So she's digging this hole, and she's been doing this for a year, and then.

Amazing. She's been doing this for a year and then amazing she's been doing this for a full year she also says that she's gonna use the rocks that she's excavated to build a she has like above ground plans too that she wants to build a castle tower and i'm like that's definitely not fucking happening in fairfax county oh my god my neighbor tried to put different type a different type of door on his garage and it was like a two yearyear-long huge issue in the neighborhood because he did it, and he didn't have the approval, and then the town got mad,

and then my dad had to go to an HOA meeting to defend him, but then my neighbor behaved so poorly that my dad said it was one of the most embarrassing days of his life. Oh, my God. And this is over changing your garage doors. So she's digging this tunnel. She's digging this tunnel. And then someone eventually,

and she is doing this saying that like her neighbors are totally cool with this. Someone, this. I cannot imagine that's true. Seems very unlikely. This reporter, her name is Aura Bogato on Twitter, finds her neighbors. And it turns out her neighbors are not cool with this. A lot of them are actually like Central American migrants.

And so there's like kind of a mixed immigration status. So that's why they have been apprehensive to bring the authorities into the neighborhood. But it's been causing tremendous noise. Of course. The ground is shaking. Of course. And they don't know why, but it's because she's fucking down there digging giant tunnels. That is really something. That is bonkers.

It's crazy. And so she recently, recently, after all of this kind of went down on twitter she has been told she was given like a stop work order and she announced this on her tiktok by doing like a lifetime style dramatic reenactment which was a real departure from her usual content but she did a dramatic reenactment of her being told by the county she had to stop digging the tunnel. Oh my God. Like of herself receiving the phone call

and then the cops coming. Like she did a whole thing. Oh my God. And now she's kind of gone dark, but Ara Bogato, the lawyer, did find that there was like a notice to vacate because I guess they got some engineers in there and the engineers found that she had like damaged the structural integrity of the house. And there it is. And there it is.

And it was going to collapse on her. So I don't know if she's still living in the house. important I guess caveat to this is that so I initially only watched all of her tunnel related videos but then a friend of mine who watched all of her videos alerted me that in addition to talking about the tunnel most of her other content is about how her both her guest bedrooms are haunted

okay yes seeing it okay and I'm like but if my house is haunted I'm not digging I'm not digging right i'm not like maybe that's why she's digging though she's like i want to i want to get to the bottom of it i want to understand why but this is what gets me and this goes back to the northern virginia rest of virginia kind of thing from the start if you have the money to have a house in fairfax that has multiple guest bedrooms and you have the time and the

money to dig a hole underneath it you have the time and the money to buy a plot of land two hours south of there in the middle of fucking nowhere in the woods and you can do it and no one will know that you've right caved yourself in underground and died like if that's what you want to do why do it there you have the means to do it anywhere else you're so like the rest of virginia is so rural like why would you do it there why would you do it that's what obsesses me about it is to choose to do it in uh like suburb like fairfax county like herndndon, which is, you know, there are benefits to living in all different types of places.

And one of the reasons people move to a suburb is kind of because it's like this planned community where, for better or worse, everybody has to conform to a certain standard. And digging a giant tunnel and building a castle tower, that's not really suburb energy. Why would you ever live in an HO? Yeah. Right.

That's bizarre. And again, yeah, it's like this is middle-of-nowhere behavior. Go dig a tunnel. Right. But you got to be. That is peak middle-of-nowhere behavior is just to dig. Just get down there i mean she what i will say is that she did build a pretty successful like she you know she excavated that tunnel could i dig a 30

foot tunnel anywhere no no could i dig a 10 foot tunnel anywhere no no no and she was welding and she did build like a like a mine elevator to bring stuff up to the top. That's beautiful. She's very she's she she has an aptitude. I would say either if you really want to go the unsanctioned tunnel route, because I think she is secretly a prepper and she doesn't want to know people are down there doing it in an an area that's like 99 percent government employees in a suburb is not smart or just become an engineer and then you can actually build and dig tunnels god forbid copies god forbid women just want to dig a hole right yeah ultimately i don't know why it's so funny to me. I'm just like, she just,

she was, she couldn't stop digging a hole and digging a hole is a very funny phrase. But I also, I do kind of get it in a sense where like, if you've ever been at the beach and you like dig a little hole and you're like, well, I've gone this far.

What if I make it a little bit deeper and a little bit deeper and eventually, you know, you have to eat and you kind of lose steam with it. Eventually, yeah. But if you didn't, if it was in your house. But he didn't have to eat. And you could do it all days, all hours.

You could dig a 30-foot hole by accident. Mama, you're a gopher. That is really, I'm going to, as soon as we get off of this Zoom, I'm going to look that up. Alf, what's been shaking you? Oh, come on. Now I have to follow that. I have to follow that. It can't be whole.

It can't be whole. I've always said that. No. Well, what's been shaking me other than the weather? Don't say the weather. Don't say the weather for the 19th week in a row. Don't say the weather. Don't say weather challenge.

Level impossible. Look around my apartment. Try and find an object or i will just say this is not what shake me but i asked alf the other day um for topics for topic suggestions and alf goes uh whiteboard ladder what was the last thing he said whiteboard ladder and like silverware maybe yeah or pencil and i'm like what the fuck and he said? Whiteboard, ladder, and like- Silverware, maybe, yeah. Or pencil. And I'm like, what the fuck?

And he's like, I'm truly just naming things that are around me. I'm like, that checks out. I was just naming things that were in the room. But I think we could do a whiteboards episode. That could be fun. Yeah. I bet people have a lot to say about a whiteboard. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Riley, what's been shaking you? Yeah, good. Stall for time. This is a very quick one. This is- What's been shaking me is a bit that Alf and I have been doing for the past couple weeks. And it makes me laugh every single time. Is the bit that is describing a car as quick instead of fast. And I think that's the funniest thing I've ever heard in my entire life.

Because I was on the phone with Alf as I want to be. And I pulled up outside of a Target. And there was an Escalade in front of me, and I'm like, wow, who's out here still driving an Escalade? And Alf and I then started doing a bit of saying that. It's like, oh, my car is so quick, and I think that's the funniest thing in the world. You guys are jealous about how quick my car is.

Oh, man, you've not been inside a car as quick as mine. You think your car is quick? No've not been inside a car as quick as mine you you think your car is quick no siree bob you've not been inside my car it's the quickest on the street so anyway what's been shaking me is describing things that are fast as quick and i think that is fucking hilarious that is like really making me like think in general about like what is the difference between fast and quick because there is a major difference and I'm not sure in this moment how to articulate what fast versus

quick. So guys just maybe like a little weekly challenge just swap out if you're gonna say fast say quick and see what happens bring a little whimsy bring a little whimsy to your week. Yeah I do think quick is more whimsical. It is. Whimsy is tricky. It also like I don't know why,

it does feel like there's something very European about it. Yeah, it is very European to be quick. Things in America are fast. Things in Europe are quick. Yes. Yeah. An American train goes really fast. A European train goes very quickly.

It's very quick. It's very quick. Quick. Yeah, it's very quick. Quick. Oh my god, my car is so quick. You think you could drive it, but you could not handle it. Those Japanese trains are quick. They're quick. They're famously quick trains. Very quick.

That bullet train is quick. That train is quick. What has been chicken me? You have had so much time. I know, but Riley, I don't do anything. All I do is watch the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City.

That's the only thing I consume. You need to catch up on. I finished the finale last night. Alf, you have to fucking finish it. I'm obsessed. I love it so much. It's so good. It's the best show on television.

It's so good. It has been for four years. Every time there's a black and white cut to jen shaw before she went to jail i scream at the top of my lungs i love it so much i guess it is what's shaking me at the end of the day the real housewives of salt lake city is always what's shaking me i mean meredith is so they're just all bizarre they're just all bizarre. They're just all bizarre and I love them. They're in a husband? I think the rumors and the nastiness. The rumors and nastiness

about her and her husband. I'm also, I feel like Meredith and Lisa have two of the most insane voices. Yes. I've heard,

there are so many of them because Whitney does that thing where you say like, well and fell instead of like well wheel and really and yeah really upset yeah and then Lisa does this like hi John like like uh Jack is going on his mission and I couldn't be more proud Jack is actually Jack is not going on his mission

Jack has decided not to go on the mission But it's But I'm happy John, I need my diet coke John It's such a strange Like raspy Deep weird inflection

Meredith is I've tried for so long to do a Meredith impression, but it's un, it's impossible. It's impossible. It has this like underlying, like, quality that's like this like,

rumbly. My family. But it's, it goes places that you couldn't, it adheres to no linguistic or vocal lines. She's from Chicago. It's not like, she has some like ambig...

Like, where is she from? She's from Chicago. The rumors. The nasty. The rumors and the nastiness in my family. It's very strange. It's not. It's unplaceable.

I think Monica... People are like, she sounds British. I'm like, she doesn't. She doesn't sound like Anyone in the history Of the earth She doesn't sound like Anyone Yes

Yes Monica and Angie Are excellent additions To the group I think Who's your favorite Earnestly Who's your favorite

Mine's Heather Who's my favorite Earnestly I think mine's Mine's It goes between Heather and Whitney I'm like siding with Heather.

It doesn't matter. Heather can do it in my eyes. Heather can do no wrong. They're wearing the pilgrim hats and she's like, who would you chuck from the fucking train? And it's like, yeah, start some shit. Why not? Heather and Whitney were doing too much for me this season.

I think my gender and for me, what I like in a housewife is for them to be so divorced from reality, complete space alien. So I like Lisa. I like Lisa Barlow. I think that she has no idea what's going on around her. The scene where they're at the suit shop picking out suits for Jack's mission. Oh my God. And she's like, Oh my God.

What if you dressed like the Riddler? What if you were wearing the Riddler suit? And you're like, no. I'm the most Mormon. I think I just want a normal suit. I love that she's like, I'm so Mormon. And it's like, actually you own an alcohol company. You don't know,

like Heather will bring up things about the Mormon church. She doesn't know them. Really? No no we're not allowed to do that no i don't wear the garments in the temple okay then you're not allowed that's like the whole thing that's not allowed that's the thing that's the whole thing i'm like her the rap that she did at Heather's book event. Oh, yes. When she sings. My name is Lisa Barlow and I'm here to make it clear. We have to wrap it up. Because I think, but I do think that we should, the three of us, if no one else, I mean, I do think we should make a Real Housewives podcast. I would love nothing more.

Hey, Jake and Amir, Real Housewives podcast. What do we think? Elise, thank you so much. This was so much fun. For coming on. This was such a blast. Where can people find you and your guys' amazing show? And anything else that you do.

Yes, you can find Go Touch Grass podcast. It's in all the podcasting apps. You can follow us at Go Touch Grass pod on everything. You can follow me on instagram at panda lease and on tiktok at elise navidad i have left x amazing but i use the go touch grass twitter to look at so i i'm working on x but like you can't find me personally there and millie my co-host so funny you can find her at millie underscore Tamera's, I think, on both. Type in Millie Tamera's and she's going to come up.

She's verified on the gram as well. Yeah, it's Millie underscore Tamera's on Instagram and something very, very similar on TikTok. And you can get those takes from her as well. Hell yeah. You can find Alf on Instagram at alfredinnit. You can find the show on Instagram at reviewreview reddit r slash reviewreview we got that discord channel

headgum reviewreview discord it's always popping off in there every week and then Jeffrey James and I have our Patreon patreon.com slash Riley and Jeff wow Jeffrey and I did the CBS showcase together he I'm so sorry to hear that he's just a menace yeah well I did the CBS showcase together. I'm so sorry to hear that. He's just a menace.

Don't say anything about him. I did the HeadGum podcast and I said this already, but he tried to get me to give up my Apple Watch and promised me a Rolex watch. And he said, I will give you a Rolex watch if you give your Apple Watch. And I said, give me the Rolex watch. And then what do I find out?

He says, I don't have one. That's the most Jeffrey James thing I've ever heard in my entire life. And I said, okay. And that one. That's the most Jeffrey James thing I've ever heard in my entire life. And then he said, okay. And that tracks. You can find Riley on Instagram.com. Just the web browser, not the phone app. At Riley and Spa.

And on Twitter.com, now known as xxxxxxxxx.com. For as long as it lasts. At Riley Coyote. And as we say every single week on the show we're always saying it we're never not saying it the rumors the rumors and the nastiness

about her husband we're always saying it the rumors and nastiness about her husband thank you're always saying it. The rumors are nasty about her husband. Thank you guys so much. Thank you, Elise. We'll see you guys next week.

Bye. That was a HeadGum Podcast.