Review Revue - Coffee Creamer

Episode Date: August 27, 2024

Alf and Reilly are back and they're coffee creaming on TV, maybe possibly falling in love, and taking a shot of cream. >>>>><<<<<It has been 2 episodes since Family Guy has been mentioned.Follow at:IG: @reillyanspaugh @alfredinnitTwitter: @reilecoyote Join the discord here!Produced by Daniel Ramos @SchubirdsAdvertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Get the Angel Reef Special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. And participating restaurants for a limited time. This is a HeadGum Original.

Oh, hey, we're trying. What if, what if we were just like what if we hey welcome back to it oh hold on i'm gonna do a genuine one i'm gonna do a genuine imagine if this is our show our show hey guys welcome back to review review the podcast where we do long-form improvisational comedy based on the zaniest reviews from all over the internet. I'm your host, Riley Anspaugh, with my co-host... Alfred Borgwell-Evans. Alfred Borgwell-Evans. Alfred Borgwell-Evans. Banger alert

Wait no because that was so Fucking good First song at my wedding much Walking down the aisle To Alfred Burleven That was sick as hell That was from Grant actually Grant says hey y'all

Your friendly EDM flight attendant Grant here I wanted to match your energy from the clip on this track Hope y'all enjoy Future Bass Thanks again for the wonderful pod P.S. Yo put some respect on Tyler's name Hey Grant I was with ya

But I can't If Tyler wants to collab on a track, I'd be down for it. Message me on SoundCloud at O-B-E-R-Y-N-8-9-2. Grant, that went really hard. So thank you so much. Grant, here's a piece of career advice for you, right? Grant, for the next 30 seconds, turn your volume off. I don't want you to get infected.

Some people don't have what I would call it, right? The it factor, that charisma, right? The it factor. And if you're lucky enough, which, you know, I'll grant you, you are. See what I did there? You shouldn't waste your time trying to help people who don't have it, right? And Tyler is just, he's a nice guy right we all love tyler but grant you have more talent in your pinky finger than that guy's got in his whole body

so just just don't waste your time would be my advice um i would just say that tyler also has it we all have it it's just like can you unlock it? Right, right. And Tyler's it is chlamydia. I just, Grant, I want you to know that your song was amazing and also during it, I'm still kind of on the tail end

of laughing really hard. What do you mean? What was happening during it? I was... You were just behaving normal during it. I look at Al's screen and he's doing like... How do you describe it? What do you... I was just We were just behaving normal during it. I look at Al's screen and he's doing like... How do you describe it?

What is there worth? I was just gonna say what can only be described as like... Cringe core hand movements? Like... The kind of like cosplayer dance of like...

It kind of is giving like anime... Like I'm not... Do you guys know what I'm talking about? It's kind of like... It's like a very fluid... It's like a very fluid movement. We're guys know what i'm talking about it's kind of it's like a very fluid it's like it's like a very fluid movement we're doing it as we're talking about it's like the two kind of like the hand like it's the kind of movement that that's really good what you just the kind of movement that would like you would be like well actually

mayhaps i beg your pardon like it's very it's it's the kind of like fluid like bouncing it's like when people do those npc live streams yes yes and they're like yummy yummy cupcake yummy yummy cupcake you know thanks for the sauce thanks for the sauce that trend just like what would your catchphrases be if you did one of those? Okay, so we got yummy, yummy cupcake. Thanks for the sauce. Thanks for the sauce. Oops, I needed that. You get two more. Oops, I needed that.

Oops, I needed that. Okay, and the last one. Get out of our way. Get out of our way. And then that brings an air of mystery. It's like, who else is with him? Right. Who else is there?

Who's our way? Maybe he's not alone. Maybe he's not alone maybe he's not alone maybe that's when i pop into the frame okay what are yours and i go that took time so you're like maybe they they like destroyed your sand castle or something who's to say who's to say and then the second one is time yeah say? And then the second one is. That took time. Yeah, that took time. Okay. And the second one is, can I have it? Can I shav it? Can I have it?

Oh, okay. Can I have it? Okay, you're doing the same arm motion that you were doing with the first one. There we go. And then the other one is, sweetie pie. Oh, I hate sweetie pie. I would not be dropping emotes in the chat for sweetie pie the last one would just be like um it's a that's a pizza pie oh that's a pizza pie as opposed to

like sweetie an apple oh i see a sweetie pie that like npc live stream trend was a thing that like i feel like happened is it really because i feel like there was a moment where i get pinky doll who is that who like blew up she's like i mean it's like the pinky doll is a creator on tiktok who like blew up for like the npc kind of it sounds like that sounds like a pet name that your annoying couple friend would use pinky doll absolutely pinky doll grab us a lemonade i don't like the trend i i do not watch tiktok lives really but i did see her as you're scrolling and you get lives every so often well you're not really on tiktok um wait damn i wish i had that many followers how many does she have um eight uh million 1.8 okay you're close yeah

if you round something that did happen to me this week how much money is doll making a lot something that did happen to me people also search for people also search for what is an NPC pinky doll

excuse me Siri what is an NPC pinky pinky doll that's you excuse me siri uh what is an npc pinky doll i was scrolling on tiktok and up came alive and sometimes i'll get asmr lives a lot of times they're too they're too like overstimulated like it's a lot going on and i don't like it there's a lot happening yeah they'll have like a like a little fountain going on in the background. Too many sounds. And I really don't like the role play stuff where it's like, I'm now going to cut your hair. Oh, fuck off. Uh-oh.

Cut off too much. Snip, snip. Like that kind of stuff. I hate that. To be clear, I kind of don't like any of it. The ASMR I like is like crushing soap. Soap. Yeah, you like the soap stuff.

Shaving soap crushing chalk shaving chalk um but i something that came up on my for you page that i'm like this isn't stuff i watch but somehow they've like really they're like hmm if you don't like the pretend you're at the hair salon pretend you're getting your makeup done i'll'll talk you to sleep, then maybe you'll like someone dressed up in full prosthetics as Mike Myers Cat in the Hat. Yes, you did. And for Cat in the Hat ASMR, which I did have to tune

in for a little bit because I'm like, this is the funniest thing I've ever seen. What was it like? It was just like, it was truly a person doing a pretty good Mike Myers Cat in the Hat impression. And I couldn't tell if it was because the impression itself was very good or the prosthetics looked like movie ready i mean maybe both um but it was just kind of this person doing lines from the movie in like a dark

cozy like multi-colored lit room like a closet maybe dark cozy multicolored lit room a closet maybe and they were like just doing quiet i want you to do your impression of somebody doing an asmr remember a lot of the lines but it was just like oh oh it was like you know uh in the movie when like he's doing the fake cooking show absolutely Absolutely don't remember that. That movie came out 20 years ago. I haven't seen it since. It was a formative movie for me. It's like, that's disgusting. I'll kill you.

What? What the fuck are you on about? Anyway, so that's what happened to me that I haven't stopped thinking about. Wow, that's disgusting. I'll kill you. Like, what the fuck? That's my NPC phrase. about that's disgusting i'll kill you like what the fuck that's my mpc phrase yeah that's disgusting i'll kill you remember the the lady who would like she was like wrapping her nails on like the car and she would be like mercedes no but that's hilarious yes i loved her and then people would like do all the kind of a car but based on like

tesla tesla ford fusion And then people would like do it. Imagine if you could tell the kind of a car based on like Tesla. Tesla. Ford Fusion. Ford Fiesta. How long can we do this bit for, which is literally just us going GMC Yukon. Toyota Camry. Is this good audio? Is this a good podcast audio is this a good podcast is this a good podcast what's new with you before we dive into our topic um not much man i'm what do you want to say huh no you want to make me you want me to disclose my personal medical you don't have to i'm not

gonna make you i'm not gonna no i'm not gonna perform a violation and yeah the verb is to perform a hip violation um because everything i do is a performance babe i once uh lost a finger to a game of hungry hungry hippos called that a hippo violation um i have an infection. We know. Imagine walking into an audition, let's be honest. Walking into an audition and they're like... Thank you. And they're like, yeah, feel free. Do you have any questions, anything you want us to know before you get started?

And you're like, yeah, I have an infection. All right. And so this will be Hamlet. How much I love this job is making me sick. Septic. Septic. I have an infected. I have kind of an infected kind of cyst moment going on.

I am taking antibiotics. They are not working. Things are looking bad. What do you mean they're not working things are looking bad this might mean they're not working I just think it's like they take a while to kick in and I feel like they kind of need to start kicking in you know what I mean they they should kick in but they said it might take like 24 48 hours to start to like feel it yeah you started it yesterday yeah so it's only been I've only taken I just took the third dose uh-huh so anyway i feel like shit my head hurts uh i can't sleep for shit um it's hot as hell today

it's like gonna be like 95 degrees here and i have to turn my fucking ac off when we record so on top of literally being septic i'm also sweating my ass you don't have sepsis yet stop i'm serious i'm sorry about your infection thank you um being on antibiotics sucks yeah it is also wreaking havoc on my fully just like nukes your body my microbiome yeah take your probiotics i've never done that no you need to be having probiotics this is not a bit you if you're i was on antibiotics for a month to deal with a fucking perioral dermatitis around can i remember can i have a perioral dermatitis and and a month of that like fucks you up like take probiotics and eat a shit ton of yogurt or like

fermented things like really get up in there yeah on that kimchi yogurt diet really gonna help speaking of cream speaking of creamy yogurt you know what i'm not putting in my coffee the zero percent fat greek yogurt i get from trader joe's i'm not gonna put that in my coffee you know what i am gonna put in my coffee what are you going to put in your coffee sometimes well normally i put in half and half or like two percent oh two percent what might as well put water in your coffee hey it's better than than skim it's true we're talking about coffee creamers i hardly know her when i suggested this topic alf, that's funny, but can you promise not to be weird about it? Yeah. Can you promise not to make things weird?

Yeah, I did say that. And I did not promise that. You did not. So I'm buckled. Because we're doing an episode about cream. I'm buckled. I'm braced. I'm.

I'm braised. Beef. Alf, talk to me about coffee creamers. Yeah, I'm not a big creamer guy. You're a barista. It's true. In another life, eh? In another life, eh, Cogsworth?

Do you know what breve means? Like quick? So in Italian, breve, when you order it in a coffee shop when you say like can i have a breve cappuccino right it means instead of using like skim two percent whole you use half and half like as the milk that sounds right fucking disgusting and i used to one of the coffee shops i used to work at i had a regular customer she would come in and she would get either a 16 or 20 ounce iced brevet latte which essentially what that is is 20 like if a 20 ounce drink the espresso and an ice latte is like two ounces right so you're basically just having ice two ounces of espresso and then like the rest is 18 ounces of half and

half and a half and like the situations in which a breve drink is necessary or yummy to me is so limited but like foul cold was just like jesus anyway i like half and half. I just had to bring that up because it's like it haunts me. I will put a touch of, I usually just drink my coffee black because I'm cool. And I have a sort of like a, have you ever seen Spotlight? Yeah. You know, okay. Don't look at me like that. You know, the journalists in spot

zodiac have you seen zodiac have you seen six yeah yeah so like the like the journalists um yeah uh they like i kind of terrible comps terrible comps i have a kind of like chain smoking black coffee drinking kind of vibe right like literally not at all cool like kind of gritty like black coffee drinking kind of vibe, right? Like literally not at all. Cool, like kind of gritty, like, whoa, holy shit. Yeah. Anyway, so I normally, but I will occasionally if it's bad coffee or coffee that like is particularly like, oh, tart or bitter, I'll throw a little half and half in there.

But have you had like a creamer? When I'm thinking of a creamer, I'm talking about. If I go to a diner and the coffee is truly swill i will chuck a couple non-dairy creamers in there but the like powder for me you know the powder creamer see until researching researching going on amazon for 10 minutes i didn't imagine calling this show research research um i didn't know that until my fellowship creamer um so you didn't know there was powder creamer no wow coastal elite status well so the only creamers i've had i hardly know creamer is so funny um the only creamers i have i had and yeah am i easily influenced by tiktoks i sure am Last fall I saw that there was Like um

Some kind of like Dunkin Donuts Creamer that was in Target and it was like a pumpkin donut Kind of thing no I don't like Drinks that are too Sweet but I was influenced and I Went and I tried it and I put it over Iced coffee

And that shit Was delicious What is it? it was pumpkin munchkin flavored dunkin donuts and that was the most delicious thing i've ever had i it was in it was incredible that's the only creamer i've ever really liked. Now, I did get a couple reviews for these. I have on TikTok been seeing that Chobani has come out with a line of creamers. Yeah, the Chobani one is good. I've had that. I'm curious to try that.

And probably after we record, I may go to Target. I may pick up like some iced coffee and some Chobani just to test it out. Totally. No, I have a lot of vegan, vegetarian, you know, non-dairy drinking people in my life and um because I'm an artist um and uh I uh yeah so they have that and I eat it and it's yummy I have a really stupid question hit me are creamers non-dairy some okay so it's not because I was gonna say that feels counterintuitive to the name creamer um Some creamer, non-dairy. It's just because the way you were phrasing it, I'm like, wait.

Well, that was me talking about the Chobani one specifically. Are the Chobani ones non-dairy? Do you know what? Well, now you're making. Chobani makes yogurt. Don't they make oat milk? Yeah. So maybe they also do.

I think I'm thinking of the Chobani. There is a Chobani oat creamer yes i'm thinking of chobani yogurts i just feel like we don't communicate anymore should we oh hi by the way did we not set an intention last time no we're about to right now fuck me it's okay we haven't even gotten to the reviews piss what if that was... Did you say hiss? I said piss. That's how I swear now. I just go piss.

Piss. It's like in Fantastic Mr. Fox when they say, oh, cuss. Oh, piss. Honey, I'm leaving you. Piss. Oh, piss. Oh, this is a piss. This is going to be... The pissy.

The creamiiest episode. What a fucking surprise. Low-hanging fruit. Low-hanging fruit. Let's take a break and we'll come back with some low-hanging fruit. I mean, coffee creamers. We hardly know her. This new year, why not let Audible expand your life by listening?

Audible CA contains over 890,000 total titles within its current library, including audiobooks, podcasts, and exclusive Audible Originals that'll inspire and motivate you. Tap into your well-being with advice and insight from leading professionals and experts on better health, relationships, career, finance, investing, and more. Maybe you want to kick a bad habit or start a good one. If you're looking to encourage positive change in your life one day and challenge at a time, look no further than Tabitha Brown's I Did a New Thing, 30 Days to Living Free. In the audiobook, Tab shares her own stories and those of others alongside gentle guidance and encouragement to create these incredible changes for yourself and see what good can come from them. Trust me,

listening on Audible can help you reach the goals you set for yourself. Start listening today when you sign up for a free 30-day trial at audible.com slash wonderyca. That's audible.com slash wonderyca. Und wir back. I have a review. Okay. This is for the Coffee Mate powdered creamer. A a big tub it's like the value tub of it it's a 2.2 pound fuck money i use a lot of creamer in my coffee and as a mom of six i drink a lot of coffee i actually drink espresso and this takes

maybe three scoops to make it taste creamy i I used to spend $10 to $15 buying this size from Costco. So when I saw this one for such a cheap price, I was worried about the freshness of it. But I can confidently say it is fresh. Same texture as the ones from the grocery stores. Sealed tight when you get it. All in all, don't spend $5 on a tiny container from the grocery store or pay twice as much for this size from bulk stores.

This is the exact same thing. Sorry. So a double shot of espresso is two ounces of espresso. Two ounces of espresso with three scoops powdered cream. How do you get it to not be chunky, lumpy? A paste. A paste. It's like I'm imagining Kind of like Marmite consistency

Okay so Mr. Mate Coffee mate No I know your name is David Thank you for coming I know you don't normally Come to casting calls

Like this But because this is one For the new Powdered creamer And this actually We're doing kind of One of those like Real, not actors spots. So we're going to have people coming in, sharing their stories of why they love your product.

And we're actually going to, it's going to be up to you of who you want to include in this new spot. It's going to be a huge national campaign. And we're excited to get started. Do you have any questions before we begin? I love that. Fantastic. We are first going to bring in Joel from Boise. Joel from Boise, why don't you come on in and get us started? Tell us why you love the Coffee Mate Powdered Creamer.

Yeah, hey, my name's Joel from Boise 510, and I guess the coffee creamer it uh I love that stuff it helps me start my day that's so great we love that but we're actually looking for you know it's like real people what are some real life stories that you have that you know how has it helped you get you through your day any specifics um yeah I guess one time in Idaho, it was snowing really bad. And we ran out of regular creamer or milk. And my uncle had some of this. I guess he took it from a hotel or something.

And it was in his bag and we used it and it was like a great substitute because there was a snowstorm I mean yeah get you through in a pinch and you don't have to refrigerate it alright Joel thank you so much for coming in today I hated him

oh we actually would really prefer if you waited to give feedback until they left the room. He deserves to know. Joel, thank you so much. Thank you guys. For coming in. Hey, David, can I call you David? You already did. We so love you being here.

And just because I know it's a different environment from being in the office, know big tech and everything i don't know you're not in tech big big cream we really ask for you to just like keep those kinds of comments to yourself until they leave the room it's just bad for morale you know okay okay great have you got anyone uh have you got anyone on the list who's good i mean i believe i'd like to think that i mean joel was a dud that was our mistake we really didn't think that it would be that but um next up we have katie from long beach okay katie come on in hi you guys oh my god i can't believe hi i i saw on the sheet that um you are the man to thank for my sanity. I love this. Thank you very much. Height and weight, please.

What's that? We're asking all the actors to provide their height and weight. Oh, I actually thought in the new SAG commercial agreement that you didn't have to disclose weight. Okay. Yes, you don't. So you can just do height, Katie. That's fine.

My notes does not want the part. Okay. And begin whenever. Oh, I just do height, Katie. That's fine. My notes does not want the part. Okay. And begin whenever. Oh, I just wanted to say, you know, I am a mom of two little ragamuffins who are under seven years old, if you can believe it. And this powdered creamer really gets me through my day. I mean, like, I just, I take, you know, a spoon, two scoops, and then I'm good to go. And I'm able to like run around.

Where do you put it? Where do you put it? In my mouth, of course. And so then I'm running around trying to get the little rascals, you know, like, come on, time for, time for gymnastics, time for ballet. They're very active. So I have to keep up with them. And this cream, this powdered creamer, just really, it's a perfect snack for on the go.

She eats it raw. For a busy mom like me, it gets theer, just really, it's a perfect snack for on the go. She eats it wrong. For a busy mom like me, it gets the job done. Yeah, sorry. So, Katie. I like Katie a lot. Oh, do you have anything else you need from me? Yeah. Oh, this, David, do you have any questions for Katie?

Why only two? Why only two scoops? Yeah. Well, because that's a great question, so happy you asked. Well, one, as a mom on the go, do you think I have time for three? Definitely not. And also, two is just the right amount. It leaves me

wanting more for later, but fully satisfied. Where's your husband? What? Where's your husband? Hey,id we this is just for the spot that's okay david this is actually just for the commercial it'd be focusing you know no i'm serious she only has time for two scoops somebody else needs to be in that house helping her out she should be woman her her build should be having four or five scoops men oh stop you think i'm skinny that's so sweet um no my husband uh sorry uh x there we go it's

new it's new um i could tell you know when the divorce was finalized about a month and a half ago, I did bump up to five scoops. And it just felt, it wasn't even that it felt bad in my stomach. It kind of turned my mouth into glue. And I wasn't able to talk to my kid. You know, it was like through mumbled, garbled, like, oh, your dad and I are not going to live together anymore. All right, Katie, this has been awesome.

Thank you so much for coming in. And we will let you know. Oh, my God. Thank you again. I love your product. Katie, quick question before you go. Do you drink coffee? No.

OK, awesome. Thank you so much. I liked her a lot. I love her, too. Great energy energy i don't think she's and what i don't think that matters and to just wish we knew i just think that we need people who put it in their coffee and don't eat it as is right i think we can all agree all the other execs really well well well i would like to wake up tomorrow morning and find that my wife um i you know if i milked her coffee creamer would come out right but we don't always get what we want jesus david i'm serious like you know wishful thinking much people you know however they use the product i mean uh shit if they came in here

and they told me they snorted this stuff i'd be happy they're buying it david we want people to buy it with their coffee it is called coffee mate it's not just loose powder in a box i like that have you considered that as a as a slogan we do have one more finalist coming in okay what's what's their what's their damage this is trent from boston um trent this is Trent from Boston Um Trent this is actually one of Our favorites one of our we really think He could be the ringer so Trent come on in Trent Um Hey everybody I'm Trent from Boston Trent it's

So good to see you I'm Melanie From casting I don't know if you remember The zooms we've had of course of course Oh my god he's such a charmer Hey Trent why don't you go ahead. Tell them what you told me about your experience with the Coffee Mate Creamer. Okay, well, first of all, I just want to say, Trent from Boston, I'm 5'7", 130 pounds. You don't have to tell us your weight, but thank you.

I'm glad he said that. I was wondering, big time. He's dense. You can tell he said that. I was wondering big time. He's dense. You can tell he's a dense guy. Yeah, so I like the stuff. So basically, growing up, my mom used to drink it. And when I drink it, it reminds me of my mom.

Oh, that is so sweet. Oh, my God. Do you take your coffee in the same way that your mom did? Yeah, sure. Oh, it God. Do you take your coffee in the same way that your mom did? Yeah, sure. Oh, it's okay if you didn't. Not really. I don't really like coffee. Oh. That's, are you sure?

Because I remember on Zoom that you really were like, oh, I love this stuff. I have it every morning. Yeah, I kind of thought that's what you guys wanted to hear. It was. It really was. I don't know. Just wanted to... Does this mean I didn't get the part?

Troy, can you give us the room, please? Of course. I liked him a lot. I liked him a lot, too, and that's where it really puts us i feel like if we if we cast him obviously he's great i mean he's dense he's good looking he's got the accent he has a beautiful heartwarming story but it's none of it's true and so the whole point of the spot is that it's real people, not actors. Movie magic. But I'm saying is that we wouldn't be able legally to put that disclaimer on the spot. What about illegally?

We, I don't know how you run your business, David, but we would rather do this legally. How much do you weigh? I'm not going to tell you that. but we would rather do this legally. How much do you weigh? I'm not going to tell you that, and I don't know why it matters. Okay. Coward.

How would you like to move forward? We have Kate, who eats the stuff raw, and we have Trent, who is perfect, but everything about him is not real. Can we make them married? Can we make them married? Can we make them married? In the spot. Pretend they're a couple. And that they may be the odd couple.

Again, I think you just... You know what? This is the biggest account we've ever had, so sure. Sure, we'll make them married. Fantastic. I got to the commercial airing my name's trent and i am katie and we're a real life married couple who are always creaming we love creaming together that is i like doing it raw first thing in the morning kick your mind

out of the gutter. I take two scoops out of the box, put it right down my mouth. It helps me stay energized for the day. Chasing our two little ragamuffins around. Come here. Yeah, she does it in the morning. I like to do it at night, just like mommy used to do. Get your mind out of the gutter, why don't you?

I'm from Boston, of course. Copy, mate. Simple thumbs up. Symbolmbol logo. Should we take a break? I think we should take something. Make a chocolate, of course. Make a chocolate.

Oh, my God. It literally was. I'm from Boston, of course. I'm from Boston, of course. This is just for like the regular old coffee mate coffee creamer. Like run of the mill. Hell yeah. Oh, wait.

Sorry. No, it's not. Holy shit. It's for the Chobani. Sorry. What the fuck? This is for the Chobani creamer. This is two stars from Verley B.

Verley B. Verley Badly. Verly Badly. Verly Badly. Two stars. The title is Expiration Date Too Soon. Let me give a little bit of background first. Holy shit. This review was from August 20th, 2020.

So she said, I ordered a week ago and the expiration date was August 17th, 2020. Love the taste. The expiration date was August 17th, 2020. Love the taste. The expiration date was disappointing. Jackson, I know that we've only been at the summer camp for three weeks and tonight's our last night, but is it crazy to say that I'm, I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. And I've never loved anybody else like this before. And I just, I, we only have 22 hours left before our parents can pick us up and I just don't know what to do with myself. I know what you mean. I think maybe I'm, well, starting to see myself begin to maybe be the person who's falling in love with you too oh my god jackson wait is it are you sorry so you are in love with me i just want people to go back and tell the

girls there's not much time there's not much time let's not spoil it let's just be here with each other you're right can i just hear you say it again of course just hear you say leslie i love you leslie i'm in love with you i leslie i look in the mirror and i see myself as a man no longer a boy who's beginning to see himself in that mirror starting to feel like he might be one day could fall for you in love i i love hearing you say i um jackson do you do you you can't say you can you just say like leslie i love you i like you to the stars and the moon oh my god jackson what's wrong you don't you don't love me i never said that well you said you're putting words in my mouth no i i just i don't understand we've had three amazing weeks together maybe i was wrong about you what do you mean no no no you're right about me the guys were right

i'm heading back to cabin wait no no no don't go back to cabin don't go back to cabin. Wait, no, no, no, don't go back to cabin. Don't go back to cabin. What were the guys saying? They were saying, no, you don't want to hear it. No, I do. I do. I'm a tough girl. I'm a tough cookie. Tell me. They were saying that you, that you were, you didn't even really like me.

And that you. What are you talking about, Jackson? I just told you I am in love with you. And the fact that, oh my God, the hours are are flying by we only have 14 hours left before our parents come the fact that we we live two states away from each other and that our parents are coming to get us and I don't know if I'm ever gonna see you again like is that not making you emotional of course it is but I don't know maybe it's for the best what are you talking okay so you don't love me so i've wasted the past three weeks of camp when i could have been making a relationship with

somebody else on someone who doesn't love me is that what's happening 14 years old i don't think i i i know what what love is yet so then why were you leading me on, Jackson? You keep saying like, oh, I can maybe see myself falling in love with you. We went to the campfire and it was fun and we went to the mess hall and it was funny and we went... The mess hall was so

funny. We laughed so much. We played ghosts in the graveyard and it was a fun time and I thought maybe i could see myself starting to be a person who could begin to see themselves one day eventually becoming a lover of yours you know what really just makes me sick what is that luc and Cabin 8 is head over heels for me. And it was kind of like an Edward versus Jacob situation. It's like, of course, like, I think Lucas is awesome. But there was just something about you.

And like, I just feel so stupid for wasting my time. I'm sorry that you see this as a waste. What, are you not going to be my LDB? My long distance boyfriend? Of course I'll be that. We'll talk. Really? Yes, we'll talk like two, three times a month.

But you don't love me. Maybe you'll visit once. One time you'll visit. And I might get out there too. Wisconsin's far away though, so I don't know. I mean, from Chicago it's not too bad. Well. But that's, you have to get from Gary to Chicago to then go to Wisconsin.

Right, two states. Yeah. But all I'm saying is, oh my god, our parents are coming here in 20 minutes. We've been up all night talking. I'm so tired. Is this real? Is what we have real? Of course.

Or should I try and make things work with Lucas? Frick Lucas. Our light is written in the stars. Oh my god, don't cuss like that. Do you think that you could see yourself loving me soon? Someday. But when? You can't rush. What do I have to do? Do you think that you could see yourself loving me soon? Someday. But when?

You can't rush. What do I have to do? Well, no, it's okay. No, tell me. No, it doesn't even matter. No, Jackson, of course it matters. I love you. Well, I heard that Susie and... Cavin J. She, um...

You know, her and Brayden... I heard they, you know... They what? Might have had a... You're not talking about their French kiss, are you? Maybe. Jackson, our parents are literally. Oh, my God.

In 10 minutes, they're going to be here. So maybe we should do a French kiss once and see if I start to love you after. Maybe it's what we need, the spark. I just feel like that if you know, you know, you know. But how do I know if we've never? But I know and we've never. But I think maybe girls are different. Hey, is anybody in here? Lucas, Luke. Oh, my God. Luke, what, is anybody in here?

Lucas! Luke! Oh my God, Luke, what are you doing in here? I just, I had to come see you, you know, before a parent, I mean, their parents are all lining up the cars outside right now. Hey, Jackson, didn't want to interrupt this moment. It's okay. I just, um, I just wanted to say that, jackson maybe you shouldn't be here for this anything you

can say to her you can say to me she's my girl this is literally edward versus jacob right now i um i just want to say that and with all due respect jackson i love her i love you and I I just I wish things had gone differently because I I think you're the most incredible girl in the world and apropos of nothing I wouldn't even need to French you like the the girls in cabin seven did to know that so do with that what you will I hope you have a great rest of your summer and trust me you'll love Where the Red Fern Grows when you read it. It's kind of a page turner. Are you serious, Lucas? It's a good look at your summer reading.

Yeah, Where the Red Fern Grows, I mean, it made me sob my eyes out. Don't play stupid with me. Whoa, guys, stop. Guys, stop. You'll tell her that you're in love with her? Because I am. What am I? Well, I thought you were in love with what about ghosts

in the graveyard when you and me were you know jackson jackson no jackson that's not we're not talking about and i said what's happening and i said maybe i thought that i was starting to see myself being jackson jackson we cannot do this right now jackson why not because it's too hard but maybe that's what i don't understand maybe that's what makes it worth it well i only i love her but i'm only saying that because i thought you two were running off i don't really like her wait this is honestly is not how I thought the last couple days were going to go. I genuinely don't think it would do anything for me. So what are you saying, Jackson? I'm saying I think the person I want to French is you.

This is not how i remember twilight going i've definitely read some fanfics that feel more up in this alley but this is like not canon you're right it's not canon and you know what i do love you i really do as a friend i think you're an amazing girl and i have like a little crush on you but my heart isn't really so where's your heart Lucas oh my god I mean our parents are literally walking up to the cabins right now to collect my dad's knocking on the door oh my god our parents are right here I I love you Jackson I love you holy shit Do you feel the same? Quickly. My dad is literally taking my arm and we're going to the car.

Lucas, I think I see someday our futures connecting. No, you're a piece of shit, man. And we love each other in there. And it's beauteous. I think that was really formative for that girl. I think it was really formative for that girl. I think it was really formative for that girl. I think she's going to be talking about that for a long time and making herself the center of that story.

Do you have time for one more? I've got time for one more. Okay. This is for Nestle, Coffee Mate, Coffee Cream, I like how it's traded like a bottle of non-dairy. From Ginny H. Ginny Harry. Ginny Harry. Ginny Harry.

Okay, I wasn't sure if that was Harry Potter or like Dirty Harry. I really didn't know what you were doing. One star. Expiration date 15 days away. The expiration date is December 2020, which is 15 days away. There are 300 servings.

In a family of two, I doubt we will drink 300 cups of coffee in 15 days. Thank you all for coming to this family meeting. This really means a lot to me. I know that you kids are getting bigger and we all have our certain schedules, but it actually means the world that you would all take time to come and sit down and listen to your mom. Whatever. Okay. take time to come and sit down and listen to your mom whatever okay uh alex i'm gonna need a little bit more enthusiasm out of you bud sorry hang on will you do you have headphones in i'm finishing something can you can you be finished i'm streaming hang on can you stop streaming right now you're at

a family meeting i'm stop you didn't even put this on my calendar until like the last minute. Here we go. I am passing out some spreadsheets for all of you to take a look at. Okay, I'm done. Hey, Alex, can you- I'm literally done. I'm done. I'm done.

Hang on. I'm just sitting with one- Okay, great. I just have to tweet one thing. Donald, can you please take the phone away from our son? Of course. I'm kidding. Of course.

Come on, Alex. Seriously, stop. Stop. Your mom's talking. Your mom's talking. Okay. Alex, buddy. Thank you. Thank you. Hey. Of course. Come on, Alex. Seriously, stop. Stop. Your mom's talking. Your mom's talking. Okay. Alex, buddy. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. As we all know, I'll make this as quick as I can. As we all know, the last Costco trip I went on was kind of a bust. They didn't have the CV packets we wanted, but they did have the coffee creamer. Now, did I get confused by the units of measurements at the costco the last time i went i absolutely did and did i get way too much i absolutely did did i get 12 dozen packets instead of just 12 packets i sure did that's 144 kids 144 packets instead of 12 that's a lot of packets

of the individual coffee creamers, which as we all know, the individual little plastic packets are terrible for the environment. Alex? Dawn? Alex. Alex. What? Can you listen?

I drew my coffee black. I'm fucking like cool, okay? I'm not a dork like a bullshit mom. Whatever. Now, what we will never do in this family is waste. What did you listen? I drink my coffee black. I'm fucking, like, cool, okay? I'm not a dork like- Whatever. Now, what we will never do in this family is- What did you say? What did he say? I didn't hear him. I think he called you his BS word mom.

I- I'm on a one-track mind right now, so we will deal with this later, Alex. Oh, you are in. Easy Dawn. Easy. You're in a big trouble. That's what I'll say. Stop I hate when you do that impression. It cuts the tension. No it doesn't. It adds more tension. Okay for me

it cuts the tension. What we're not going to do in this family is we're not going to waste food unnecessarily. Right. That is sick and it is high time that we had enough of that. We're aligned on this. We are aligned on this. Kids. Right. That is sick and it is high time that we had enough of that. We're aligned on this. We are aligned on this. Kids. Alex. Now, I have offered a hundred of the packets to our neighbors and everyone on the street says, why would we drink that? We have our own stuff. So, no neighborly love from them. Now, what we are going to do is we are going to finish this all ourselves so help me god

so on these spreadsheets you will see that i have for each person i have a schedule of how we will all get through 144 of these coffee creamer packets over the next 17 days because did i did i forget to mention that they do expire in 17 days i'm literally i told you i drink my fucking coffee black well that's too fucking bad, Alex. Oh, if you want to curse, so can I. That's too fucking bad. If you want to really show up for this family, fuck. If you want to show up for this family, you are going.

Fuck, fuck this. Yeah, you're right, Alex. Fuck this family. Fuck this fucking family. No, stop it, Alex. No, this family's horseshit. Alex, stop it. Settle down.

Fuck me buying 12 dozen containers of the coffee make creamers fuck them coming in little individual plastic pouches fuck all of that mom jesus okay so what we're gonna do is you're gonna you're not gonna drink your coffee black for the next couple weeks all right you are gonna put three of the packets into... What are you doing? Are you streaming right now? Yes, I'm freaking out. You're freaking out. I'm calling it Crazy Karen Creamer Crackdown. That's horrible.

That sounds like a porn. Take that down, Alex. How would you know what a porn sounds like? Done? I'm just trying to cut the tension. I need everyone to take this so seriously Now we're gonna start doing We're each gonna take a shot of the creamer right now

I don't wanna do that That's too damn bad You wanna stream it? Go ahead I don't give a shit That's the way the good lord made ya I'll stream it Okay

Oh you wanna stream your family taking shots of creamer? No I'll just do me No one on the internet wants to see your app you're crusty alex i'm just gonna stream it young fine young twink takes creamer shot to the mouth now that sounds like a porno son you can't stream that Sounds like a porno. Son, you can't stream that. It goes viral.

Alex, you will never believe this, but you got a sponsorship deal. Finally. From Coffee Mate. For fuck's sake. You have ruined this entire family's livelihood i'm moving in with stacy you are 17 years old you can't do that i literally i'm gonna use the money from the coffee mate deal to emancipate myself from your crusty ass don are you not gonna do anything about this we just in the past couple months we have from your crusty ass. Don, are you not going to do anything about this?

We just, in the past couple months, we have drank over 10 pounds each of creamer because of your son. I don't think we can blame him for that. Well, okay, no, the Costco, that was my bad. But because of his young twink-tinks, creamer shot to the face video. I don't like it when you say it out loud. What?

That's the video name. Very gross to me to hear that. That's the video name. I know, but I don't like the video name. Why? Because it's inappropriate. What are you talking about? I don't want to have to explain it to you.

Explain what? What the video means. Why it's funny. The video means the end of our family. Your son's trying to emancipate himself. Well, honestly, I'm not... I'm very uncomfortable with the whole situation. With your

son? I would hope so, with your son trying to remove himself from this family. It's fine. He'll get over it. He's 17, okay? I emancipated myself when I was 17. He never told me. My dad emancipated himself when he was... You know. Oh, so it's it's fine he'll get over it he's 17 okay i emancipated myself when i was 17 my dad emancipated himself when he was you know oh so it just kind of runs in the man in our family it's a lot of you know twinks emancipating himself know, honey, I never considered you much of a twink. Well, of course, by the time we'd met, you know, I'd gone through twink death.

He was a bear now. As the kids would say, he beared up. I would say you're a, you know, I don't know too much about that culture, but i would say you're more kind of in the bear world yeah yeah yep so um i mean okay then alex you i guess you go ahead and do that thanks whatever i love you oh and i'll see you at home for dinner what are we having he's staying and we're having creamer no like we've had the past I'm not staying for that I think I might die

should we do our last segment yes this shook me all week long yeah what's been shaking you? Well, if I had to say what has been shaking me, I went to Trader Joe's the day before yesterday. Fantastic. And I got what can only be described as a ooey gooey delicious tweet. Ew. You know what a dreamsicle bar is?

Yes. It's vanilla ice cream. It's got like the orange on the outside. Yes. Trader Joe's, they've got these ice lollies, which are just like that, but instead of orange. Mango. Lovely.

And it is delightful. I could eat one, and i probably will eat one every day for at least the next three months are you when you have like a sweet treat and ooey gooey delicious are you do you venture more into like the fruity territory or like chocolatey i knew you were gonna say that or like the chocolatey territory um that's a great question i because i'm a chocolate girl yeah i mean if i'm getting ice cream right it's a 50 50 shot i'm either getting something with caramel in it i love like a salted caramel ice cream or like a, even like a moose tracks. Dulce de leche.

Dulce de leche ice cream is so, or I'm getting cherry, blueberry. That blueberry ice cream, I've never had that. Blackberry. These are the flavors of ice cream that I'm getting.

So I often, I'll do two scoops, one salty caramel, ooey gooey delicious, one fruity fun light and fluffy. I get that. I guess it's like, you know, I mean more of like you went for the mango vanilla kind of ice cream moment. Whereas if I'm getting like a sweet treat to have in the freezer, I'm getting probably more in line of like a cookie sandwich kind of vibe. Yeah. I also think it has to do with the season, right?

I think something about it being August, it's hot as shit. That's fair. I'm like sweating my ass off and I'm like a nice fruity mango fresh. Yeah, I get that. I have some raspberry popsicles in the freezer that are calling my name. Elio, Elio, Elio. But that sounds delightful. some raspberry popsicles in the freezer that are calling my name elio elio elio but that sounds delightful i love mango i have to say and like the vanilla ice like it is just like they are they're just really fucking good um i really want to buy something okay but i don't know if it's like wise oh what is it a 300 ice cream making

would you use it a lot i think i'd use it a lot a lot the thing is you bake a lot so i actually don't think that's a that's an unwise purchase okay permission granted i feel like you wouldn't use it a lot come i have a new crush oh i don't want to talk about this this new celeb crush alert um what do you mean you don't want to talk about it i don't i i can't come with you on this one. Some of them I can. It's because you haven't seen him in action. Now. I don't think that's it. Okay, everybody.

Here's the thing. I have recently watched The Traitors, Australia, season one. Because I'm really excited for season three of U.S. Traitors. I fucking love the traders. Now, per friend of the pod and of life, Elizabeth Valenti's suggestion, the great one in the interim to watch is Australia Traders season one. And by gum, I'm so glad I did because my new celeb crush. Yeah, I don't know his last name.

I do. No, it's not Nigel Thornberry It is Nigel From Australia's Traitors season one Smashing You guys just roll with me On it if you want to find out more

About it just watch him In Traitors Australia season one Yeah it's on Peacock I love him. I have such a crush on him. And I'm not going to apologize for it. I'm just not. I sent a photo of him to Alf and Alf doesn't see the vision.

That's fine. And I get that. I honestly get that. It is one of the things that you do need to see him in action. Yes. Yes. No, you can't to see him in action. Yes. Yes. No, you can't say yes. Yes, I can.

You know what it is for me? Huh? It's the hair. But Alfred, you need to see him in action. Like, I don't know how many more times I can bloody say it. Yeah. So he, look at him on the left. Are you kidding?

Yeah. This picture, this is a really good picture of him yes he doesn't look like that now that was probably like a handful of years ago okay so and is he 51 yeah fucking hell mate pick on somebody your own size i i but you have to admit that photo like it's a really good photo he does not look like that now i think he's still very attractive now you guys just roll with me on it he's famous for in Australia being one of Australia's longest held captives which is crazy he's a photojournalist who then turned into a hostage negotiator because he was held captive for 460 days in Somalia in 2006, I want to say.

And then because of that work, he was then like a crisis negotiator. And yeah, I think we would have a beautiful life together. And Daniel has not seen the season, so he doesn't get, I was going to say, and Daniel understands, but he doesn't. He actually has not seen the season, so he has get i was gonna say and tana understands but he doesn't he actually has not seen the season so he has no idea what i'm talking about i don't know if anyone understands what exactly goes on in the sick twisted mind of a riley anspaw type i'm gonna take a i'm gonna take a class take a class i'm gonna take a video of him in action and send it to you and then you'll be like oh i totally get it or it'll be even more damning when i say still a no i'm willing to take that risk you can find alf on

instagram at alfred in it you can find the show on instagram at review review reddit r slash review review and discord review review and you can find riley on instagram.com Just a web browser not the phone app At Riley and Spa And on Twitter.com For as long as it lasts Now known as xxxxx.com At Riley Coyote And on TikTok on the clock

Till the party don't stop How how how How how how At Riley and Spa And Jeff and I are still doing our monthly Zardies. Patreon.com slash RileyAndJeff. Just to be safe, every single week on the show, we're always saying it, but we're not saying it.

And... TwinkDeath. Trump voice. TwinkDeath. twink death trump voice twink death we're saying it all the time twink death okay we'll see you guys next time twink death bye see you when we see you oh hey we're trying what if what if we were just like what if we hey welcome back to oh hold on i'm gonna do on. I'm going to do a genuine one. I'm going to do a genuine one. Imagine if this was our show. Hey, guys. Welcome back to Review Review, the podcast where we do long-form improvisational comedy based on Liz Zaney's reviews from all over the internet. I'm your host, Riley Anspaugh, with my co-host, Alfred Borg, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, Alfred, that was a

Hidgum original