Review Revue - Color Me Mine

Episode Date: June 16, 2020

Reilly and Geoff discuss hands-on pottery, scoring your family members, and failed commercial actors. Please see the below links to donate to help support Black Lives Matter funds for Trans people!Transgender Law CenterSNAP 4 FreedomFollow Reilly and Geoff:IG: @reillyanspaugh & @iamgeoffreyjamesTwitter: @reilecoyote & @dontplaynojamesSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Get that Angel Reef special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. I participate in restaurants for a limited time.

We were just talking about how we did a rum rumble class a boxing hit workout and then i was like we were like oh let's do it again next week and then quarantine hit so i'm obviously sad starting it off on a sad note yeah and when jeff says let's do it again next week he means when we did it months ago right this was march we did or something yeah we didn't go this week and say oh let's do it again next. The fight continues, Riley. Absolutely the fight continues. The cops who killed Breonna Taylor have still not been arrested. Yeah. The fight is

not over. We are, before we get into the reviews for this week, we have some new causes for y'all to donate to, which we're gonna link in our bios. Do you want to start or should I? I'll start.

This is already in my bio at the time of recording. So some, I mean, you know, I have a pretty popular Instagram dude, so I'm sure that half the people listening to this have already seen this link, but it's actually the Transgender Law Center. I've already donated $50. So if anybody's in the position to donate anything, but if you want to match me, that's pretty chill. You could also snatch me. You know, black trans lives matter.

And they're a minority within a minority. So they definitely need our help, even if and when the police are reformed. So anyway, Transgender Law Center. Match my ass. $50. Do it, coward. Do it, coward. I actually also have a black trans led group this week as well.

The website is Snap for Freedom. I'll link it in my bio. But that stands for Solutions Not Punishment Collaborative. And they're what they they describe it better than I ever could. Solutions Not Punishment Collaborative is black trans-led broad-based collaborative to restore an Atlanta where every person has the opportunity to grow and thrive without facing unfair barriers, especially from the criminal legal system. And so they have a lot of great programs within this collaborative. I think one that they one that has been really doing well is the Atlanta Trans Leadership, where it is a 16 week course to train young trans leaders. That's awesome. So I will link that. Really, really fantastic cause, especially that it is June.

It is Pride Month. And first brick at Stonewall was thrown by a black trans woman. That's awesome. By Marsha P. Johnson, a trans black woman. Yeah. And she hit it square. Excuse me? So she had a good arm and it was actually like, that's why the whole thing kind of started

because it was right down the over the over home plate. I think it was more like fighting for LGBTQIA rights rather than having a good arm for sure yeah so anyway um i guess we haven't plugged this either but this is kind of goes hand in hand uh we've been doing these tuesday live streams i don't know if everybody's list are watching those but uh just with head gum we've been playing games and stuff and for some reason especially dan rice if he's out there uh not to be confused with dan reader, but they keep donating just cash. They were doing this even in March.

We're taking all that money and we're donating it to causes for Black Lives Matter going forward and also everything we've made thus far. Don't give money if you can't, but if you can, just know it's going somewhere good. It's not going to our pocket. Jeff, let's jump in.

I just want to know how you feel. I want a love that's so proud and real. You make me want to go out and steal. I just want to It's Saturday, June 13th I'm on Eastern Time because I'm back in Cleveland This is all new This is absolutely new, I'm in a new environs You got bit in the face by a dog

Don't tell them, obviously don't tell them because I want them to not see it ever so basically like I have a huge gash on my forehead and the idea is to It's not that big, and don't tell them because i i want them to not see it ever so basically like i have a huge gash on my forehead and the idea is it's not that big and don't say gash well no gash like not in the vagina sense dude not in the vagina sense no one's saying you have a vagina on your face i know but i don't even want i don't even want to give these fuckers the opportunity to tell me that i have a pussy face all right don't. Because David Randon

actually used to call me that in middle school. He used to say, David Randon, dude. Guess what he would do? What? Genuinely guess, because you might hit it on the nail. David Randon,

did he call you a pussy? Face, yeah. Pussy face. And then what he would- He did not call you pussy face. He would come up to me during lunch and guess what he would say? Hey, pussy face. Exactly right. And it wasn't lunch and guess what he would say? Hey, pussy face.

Exactly right. And it wasn't always hey. Creamed corn. Did he talk to you? Because I had a pretty steady creamed corn diet. David, get out of the booth. Oh, that fucker. If I could see him now, man.

I just got bit by a fucking hound, Basset or otherwise. I could take this guy. Oh, yeah. Jeff has a wee little bandaid on his forehead. No, I did. Yeah. So my family got a new dog and she's just kind of nervous, which we were doing great together.

She was really warming up to me, but then she fell asleep and I was gonna go up to my room. So I tried to kiss her goodnight, which is not a good idea. And I startled her and she's just kind of snapped and my face was there. So she got me square on the forehead

and I am looking like some harry potter shit which probably would have been cooler five years ago but now that just kidding rowling has kind of gone off the rails uh it's not as cool oh my god speaking of trans rights now that we found out that jk rowling is it's a turf of herself um maybe not as cool the best public apology for that would for her would be for her to release a public statement saying that the JK stands for just kidding. As in she was being facetious. Her whole Twitter account is a parody. She signs off, bye facetious.

Bye facetious. Yeah, she was homeless once. I don't know why she is picking on anyone. And she has so much money. I don't know why she is picking on anyone. And she has so much money. I don't understand. Well, we're here. I have not been mauled by a dog. What has been up?

What's the newest thing? What's the newest craze? You've been posting some fire TikToks. I've been posting some. No, I haven't posted any TikToks in like a month. Or not a month, maybe a couple of weeks. Well, I was browsing TikTok for the first time today i see so now you've seen them yeah well i saw the ones that you sent me but i missed she has this one that everybody should go check it out if you

haven't where you play where or it's like you're like a popular girl and you're talking to 10th grade you um yeah i i have this character and she's she's she's the hot girl who does theater just because she's a dancer. And so it's a video Jeff's talking about is a bit of like her hosting a winter formal pre-party at her house. And it's not like I'd be lying if I said that my personal experience. It's so clearly from personal experience. Inspire it. Yeah. What's her name?

We'll bleep it out. But what's her name? It's a mix of people. List their names and I'll bleep them all out. This is therapy. I guess it would be. Oh, shit. I guess, you know.

Hold on. I'm actually trying to think of the specifics. Oh, this is actually. This is pretty fire because it's kind of like if you saw them now, you know. Hold on. I'm actually trying to think of the specifics. Oh, this is actually, this is pretty fire. Cause it's kind of like, if you saw them now, you'd be like, they're like, are you, what are you, are you mad at me? And you'd be like, I don't think about you. I don't, I don't, I'm not mad at you. There is no at you. I don't think of you.

Um, but if I did, I guess it would be, I guess it would be, oh yeah. Just to be clear. And I know that we can't release her name but the first one that you just said is absolutely a ben schwartz name yeah what the fuck is that so yeah so it's not like it wasn't influenced by specific people who i just named and we have bleeped out and the noise i would like to request for you to dub that with instead of just kind of a beat yeah um could you make it like a whoa yeah

okay so I'll just splice that exact thing that you just did yeah perfect um yeah I did theater but it wasn't like I don't know it was in high school and middle school too like and it wasn't catty at all maybe it's because I went to an all boys school but I mean there are girls in the shows but everybody like was really like good friends I guess there was some drama with like people dating people and

stuff but not even that oh my high school it wasn't it wasn't catty it was just like so we had a thing at no I don't even know if I want you to say this in there. I mean, keep this in there. Riley was one of those Westlake fucking cats. Theater cats. So basically, our high school had... So we had the theater program, but we also had a thing called Dance Team.

And so it was literally like... It was literally like the best dancers in this. They were like the hot popular girls who also were incredible dancers. They performed at the home community football games. Do you still have their numbers? I mean, Tay Benson was on the dance team. She's my best friend, so I would never want to ruin that friendship. You're not even entertaining these ideas that I could get with a dime from the dance team

Suddenly I'm snapped back to high school I'm right there with you in Thousand Oaks I'm right there with you at the Westlake Village Mall I want to fucking meet up with a dime On the dance team Is that too much to flask? That's exactly right, I brought alcohol Do you think we would have been friends in high school?

You don't? Why? Well I don't know who you hung out with I hung out with mostly theater kids. Oh, then yeah, I'd be friends. You know what? You'd probably be like my friend Sydney. Who the fuck is Sydney? She was like the theater person who like,

she was a little bit of a tomboy, but also like did sports and was like, you know, she dated a lot of my friends. I feel like you'd be like her. Okay. But it's like if you had to pick one of us to be friends with Like Like if you had to pick Between her and you

Fuck yes Don't be that excited We have a podcast together This is huge This is a bomb to you This is amazing I've never been like Picked for anything This is a bomb to you? This is amazing. Like, I've never been, like, picked for anything. There it is, right?

This is so sad. I've never been chosen for anything. That's not true. You've been casted. You've done this podcast. Someone gave that to you. You were hired by HeadGum. You were hired at other places.

No, that's true. No, that's true. Yeah, that's true. Excepted into BU, accepted into other colleges probably. So I guess yeah, never mind then. I forget what I said. A text just came in from she actually said that you were the bully popular girl.

She actually said that you bent her over a stairwell and you showed her her phone as it dropped down eight flights. It cracked at the end. She was on the phone with her dying mother. I like to imagine that she's like. And also I talked with, whoa, yeah. Exactly, yeah.

I was never bullied. But I was like. And it's the video, it wasn't even about this girl bullying people. It's just that strange energy of just like, oh, you're so weird. Like, what? That doesn't compute, though, because you're all theater kids. No, but there were some that it's like the theater kids, and there are some that it's just like, we're in Hairspray, and I was cast as one of the Corny Collins dancers because I'm a really great dancer and I'm hot and I do this

because I'm a hot dancer. Got it. So they kind of shook what they had which was the wagon so they kind of had that thick ass. They had the wagon and they were incredible dancers and all gorgeous girls and my awkward ass is like just

jealous. You're an awkward person person or your literal awkward ass? Both. There was, before we move on from theater dorks though. So I've been watching Dave, which is, or I finished it, but it's Lil Dicky's FX show. Which like, I don't really listen to his music, but I did remember, everybody kept telling me to watch it. So I watched it and it's incredible. It's basically like Curb Your Enthusiasm if Larry was a rapper. There's this one scene where Young Thug is talking to Lil Dicky's friend.

And he's like, yeah, have you heard of Codenames? Actually, yeah, Tom Hanks showed it to me. I was just so even grateful I got to meet with him. And then she's like, what are you kidding? She's trying to flirt with him. She leans over. She's like, Codenames? Young Thug, you got to stop hanging him, you know? And then she's like, what are you kidding? She's like trying to flirt with him. She leans over. She's like, code names? Young thug, you gotta

stop hanging around with theater dorks. And then this other guy's like, are you serious? That's Forrest Gump. That's really good. It's just like calling Tom Hanks a theater dork because she's trying to flirt with him. That's Forrest Gump. Oh,

anyhow. We're not here to talk about theater dorks although i could all day um we are here to talk about color me mine i didn't know what this was because the one that was in cleveland is called hands-on pottery but yeah so i mean i think is, it might be more of a California chain. I don't know. But it's basically the, whatever it's called, it is a store that you buy a piece of pottery and you get to paint it

and then you go back a couple days later after it's baked and glazed and you get it. So I'm sure that there's a bunch of different names, different chains, but at least the one I grew up going to right color me mine i always know the inflections you're gonna take we've been doing this too long color me mine okay i didn't know that time um and it was a ball it's fun for all ages it's overpriced as hell. Right. As any good thing is.

But you do get to go. You can pick a mug. You can pick a plate. Jeff put that lighter down. I am. You can. I am. There was one time, Jeff, really quick.

Jeff just lit. He just lit a lighter just on screen just to do. And Jeff was over at my house one time and he just started like playing with a lighter and just continuing to flip it on

and I'm like stop playing with the lighter and he's like I am I will and he's like flipping it on I know

I don't remember that I know it's cause you do it subconsciously you just reach for it and you just start turning it on. Of course. But anyway.

So did you have any like birthday parties there? Did you go there as a tweensman? I think I, I don't know if I had a birthday party there. I'm sure I went to birthday parties there. I know that my dad, I went with my dad and my sister once when I was little and we made him a plate that he still has in his house. Jeff, put the lighter away it's not it is now um so yeah it's it's fun that's cool i've gone there with girlfriends

i've gone there with family boyfriend what have you gone there with a boy no i have not okay um because i've been to i've been a hands-on pottery with my high school sweetheart, and I went to Blaze Fire in Los Feliz with my college sweetheart and beyond. Sweetheart? Sweetheart. I went there with my college honey. Sweetheart.

Sweetheart. It's a very- My college doll, doll. Huge fucking stogie cigar. Fucking pinstripe double-breasted suit. There was a sweet cat. I was courting in college, and I would take her to the... There was one of those UCLA cats, see?

She was beautiful as the night sky, see? Sunrise in her eyes, sunset in that thick ass. Oh, she had the wagon. No, but... we painted a mug we made a bowl and had a ball shout out oh shout quick shout out to irene walton who i know is listening because she said chine in one of her most recent vlogs go check it out yes she did and it's it's spreading, faster than COVID-19. Which is Chyne. Which is Chyne.

Then she's in fine. Marty. Marty. Shall we? Do you have any memories? Oh, you just said you went with your college. Yeah, I went with my betrothed twice over. Jeff has never been engaged. Well, we have been engaged in activities.

You've never been engaged to be wed. Not to be wed. Actually, that hasn't happened yet, surprisingly. Not surprising. No, you're right, because I am 22. But there are some people... So you take issue with people calling you Riley the wrong way.

I take issue. People still think... No, I don't have issue with people calling me by my name no writing it out i mean you take issue with people calling you riley you don't like it when people call you riley right i want you to call me samantha how many times i have to tell you um yeah it's like the joke we always do where it's like yeah my name is jeff but you can feel free to call me trenton why um no but You can call me Denton's Death Day. Denton's Death Day. I wonder if that ever came out. That's a Snap series that Daniel

Rashid and I both went out for. And I also went out for it. Oh, you also went out for it. But you didn't go out for Denton. You recorded that tape with me. I don't remember that. We've done a lot together, I feel like. That I know. Anyway, fucking shit, what was I saying? Do you have any piece that you remember being proud

of I was never good at it because I don't have a steady hand I mean you've seen my handwriting it's awful um so no not at all okay what about you um oh god there's one I'm very embarrassed to name um and it was I think the summer before I went to college. I remember going with a couple of girlfriends after I graduated high school that summer. And I made them mad. That day. We actually ditched graduation. And did you graduate? Yeah.

When I say ditched, I mean we just didn't. Right. Right. And instead we just went to Call Me Mine and made a big mug, put polka dots on it, put an Oscar Wilde quote on it. Bad. Very bad. The quote? I'm glad you asked.

I didn't. You can never be. Oh, the quote. Jeff, put it away. It is away. Look. You can see both of my hands. There's obviously no fire.

And then it's like, this is what fire looks like. This is what fire looks like. Stop. Great. Now it smells like fire is what fire looks like this is what fire looks like great now it smells like fire in here riley you can you can never be overdressed or over educated nice made that and i'm like i am so fucking cool what does that mean so you just want to be like smart and and in a suit and in a ball gown you can obviously overdressed. Part of being smart is having street smarts and knowing how to dress for the occasion.

No, no, no, no, no. I want to know trig in a gown. I took the A push test in a three piece Xenia. I wore Hugo Boss to an interview with my current boss. I want to wear a wedding dress to a funeral. So not smarts, just the gown then. Before we get to our first review and our second, we should take a break. Give me a break.

Give me a break. Give me a break. Break me off a piece of that big fat ass. Marty. Here is a review. Color Me Mine in San Jose, California, Los Angeles, the world. Wrong. It's not in Los Angeles. New York, New York, New Jersey, the United States, the world.

New Rochelle. Where? This is a four-star review from May 19th, 2014 from Julia J. Julia Jordan. Julia Jordan. No relation to Michael. No relation to Michael. But let's just say that for argument's sake, she's wearing Jordans.

What's the argument? So the argument to be had kind of depends on the review, but I just like, let me just guess because I think I know where we're going with this. So she walks in with a pair of J's and everybody's kind of like what is that what are those sorry what are those and then she's like i sorry guys i know these are the new j's like i just kind of want to color me mine color me some pots and pans literally stainless steel let's get to the review i think i'm right i think i'm right here i have a hunch you think that she she apologizes for wearing the nude Jordan so that she can color a stainless steel pan. Okay. Well, when you put it like that, it sounds awesome.

Color it hers. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Here we go. Four stars. One time, no thought. Okay. Color me mine is my go-to spot on Mother's Day morning.

I get to sit with my boys while they each paint me something for Mother's Day. I'm hoping this tradition lasts forever. I would love to have a house full of fun, colorful art painted just for me by my babies. All right, boys. We're here. All right, kid. Hey, put the switch away. All right?

We're at Color Me Mine. It's Mother's Day. It's Mommy's Day. It's my day. All right? Okay. All right. Trenton.

Trenton. Denton. Denton. Come on. Put your phones away. Why did you have to name us so similar to each other? We're such different people. I don't think so. I actually like these little excursions. Shut up, Denton. Shut up, man. Oh, Denton, my baby boy. Pat me on the

head, brother. Pat, pat, pat, pat, pat. I hate your guys' dynamic. I absolutely hate it. Alright, boys. It is 9am. We have paid I hate your guys's dynamic. I absolutely. All right, boys, it is 9am. We have paid until 10am.

So first thing we're going to do, you two are going to pick out some pots or, or mugs. We know whatever you think I'd like, whatever you think I'd like. Um, I am going to accompany you. So,

um, you go pick out what you think my favorite thing will be. All right. We'll see if it is. Um, I guess I'll go with this. I won't say anything. I won't say anything. Okay. Thank you. Jesus. is. I guess I'll go with this. I won't say anything. I won't say anything.

Okay. Thank you. Jesus. I guess I'll go with this apple. It's like, it's on the already pre-chipped thing. So I guess it'll be cheaper. I don't want you to have to spend too much money.

Just say it. You obviously hate it. Just tell me. Just tell me what you want me to paint. We always do this. Every year, mom, you say you're not going to say anything.

And then I pick something and you hate it. I pick another one, you hate it. I pick the third one, you're like, that's the one, that's the one. So just tell me which one it is. It's not that I hate it. It's just that it's like I can tell, Trenton, that you're only picking the apple because it's cheapest. This is my treat.

I want to bring you guys here to see if you really know me. I mean, every year Denton picks exactly what i want to see painted me mine like this yes denton oh i can't wait to see what you do with that it's a carafe for gravy for water for lemonade denton i'm gonna punch you in the fucking throat man if you keep having every word Have a weird inflection that ends At the highest end of your register What do you mean

See there right there right there You were about to go down and then you went up Sorry I just got confused Okay see Trenton do you know what I mean That Denton What are you talking about He didn't pick it based on price he picked it because he knows that I would have an emotional connection with that.

Alright. This pig. Did you have a piggy bank when you were young? It was a piggy bank. I did have a piggy bank. Great. Let's get it over with. I mean, let's do it. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. And Denton, don't give him the answer. I know the answer. Do you remember what its name was?

Because I did name it. Denton, don't tell him what it is. know the answer. Do you remember what its name was? Because I did name it. Denton, don't tell him what it is. And I know the answer. Why do you sound like Nardwar, Denton? Look, I didn't know you as a kid. Do you remember that? So you both know the answer. How does Denton know?

Because Denton listens. Because Denton listens. Don't talk in the third person, Denton. Old Bessie. Kidding me? Just you're staring daggers at me. It's clearly the wrong answer. You know what?

It's fine. Maybe we should just call off calling me mine today. I'm for that, Denton. I don't think so, Trenton. Look at the look on our mother's face. I know, dude. Fine. I'll just keep guessing until I get it.

Marjorie. Yes, that was it. What? See, we're listening. Sometimes all it takes to get the answer right is to guess the answer twice. Why does everything rhyme with you, Denton? And you do always say that, Denton. I always say that.

Is Denton adopted? You can just say if Denton's adopted. He say that I always say that is Denton adopted you can just say if Denton's adopted he's so different than the rest of us he looks similar but all right boys Denton is definitely not adopted Devin is Devin whoa look at me whoa Devin Denton Denton is not adopted you know what I have to take a call but if you guys I can call over one of the sales people to help um help you pick up no i don't want to talk to yourself i'll just let me just talk to denton for a second all right i just want to oh okay okay i'll just be taking this call over here if you need anything um trish is working all right all right all right don't hey it's mother's day i know i'm sorry i love you i love you too dude this is such fucking bullshit right then are you listening

to me holy shit we're gonna make this the best fucking Mother's Day. You're going to pitch your octave at least once. You're going to paint this. Puts like another carafe on the thing. And we're going to give her a pair of carafts that she'll never forget. All right? All right, dude. Jesus Christ.

This is the first time I've ever heard you talk as you normally do. Mother! It's going well! Oh, Denton, I'm so glad. Do you guys, do you need help or anything? I think Denton needs some help, right, buddy? Okay, you know what? Your dad's calling me, so I'll be right back.

I don't want to miss this, but let me just hear. Trish, honey, sweetie, my boys are over at table four. Can you go? Yeah, no, absolutely. I will head over there right now. Hello, Mr. and Mr. Weaver. What? Oh, my God, you boys.

I haven't seen you since last Mother's Day. Oh, my God. It's so much fun every year. Look at what you're going to pick for your mom. Yeah, it's going to be great. It's going to be great. So what do you guys need? Do you need help picking paints? Do you want any color schemes?

Do you want any stamps, any sponges? I got mine picked out for a month. Let's get the mint green. Let's get the fire engine red. Let's get the dark black. Let's get the fire engine red. Let's get the dark black. Let's get the dark blue. And let's get the white. Beautiful.

I will get those for you right now. We have all those colors available. That's perfect. I think your mom's going to love that. And Trenton, what about for you? I don't know. I guess dealer's choice, like whatever you think will look good. You didn't come with any ideas in mind?

Do you think that's the norm? You think that's the norm? He knows them by name and he already memorized them months in advance that's not the norm you work here just bring me something that will look good we do this every year trish okay fine um i i guess i'll bring you over he she bring i bring over some like grays and blacks and whites and one like you know what no i see what's going on here you guys think i'm this dark cloud is that it you said hey boys okay i'm back dad said oh oh are you guys starting painting already oh starting i already sort of finished oh how the fuck do you do that so fast dude how the fuck do you do this you're so fast trinton your color scheme is a

little interesting this yeah i mean i just thought maybe you'd like a neutral tone like something a little modern um this isn't like yeah do you i mean i can start a new one if you don't like it no you can start it it's just you know i i kind of i can't see you winning many points this year points oh i mean um uh uh words of kindness i put a score sheet in my back pocket sorry no what is that mother what is that it's boys stop it it's it's absolutely nothing don't even worry about it um the dad comes over honey uh you actually i think it's four points because um for because he, oh, sorry. I've been talking too loud. Steven, they don't know about the fucking points. All right, sorry.

Do we still have to, all right, fuck it. I hope that this doesn't, yeah, throw a wrench in the works for later because I had some, like, yeah, sex planned for us. I know you did, but now it's not going to happen. Yeah, your points are going way down. Mom, do you keep a scorecard of everyone in the family and whether they do nice things for us? That might be exactly what it is. But it also isn't what you think. Does that make sense?

Well, let's see the scores, right? Yeah, let's see them. Trish, could you give us some space, please? Oh, absolutely. I'll be in the front. Just letting you know that you do only have the space for another 20 more minutes before we have Kaylee's 11th birthday taking over your spot. So you might need to wrap this up before then.

Cut to an insert. They literally, Kaylee and the birthday party are waiting. You can see them through the window. They're like really way too excited. So yeah, I'll be at the front if you need anything. Yeah, Kaylee, we won't need anything. What's the score?

What are the scores, mom? Okay, I just want to let you know, I love you boys equally. You both are my children, the lights of my life. Equally? Look at the colors he chose. I know. Let me get into the specifics, all right? Do you really want to see the score?

Yes, yes, yes, of course. I mean, obviously. And you promise nothing will change between us? Nothing will change but nothing will change i mean something might change denton but i still want to see it it's already been changed mom we found out you keep score this is so bad i didn't think i would ever see this day but um pull it out i have been keeping score for um i don't know, I guess 18 years since you were born, Trenton. I gotta say, even though...

And listen, I can see your jaws have dropped. What are you gonna know by knowing these numbers, these tallies, that are arbitrary, by the way, because you came up with the tallying system. Just tell us the scores! As of right now, the standings are as such. Trenton, you are at 8,750 points. I have no barometer of what that means. What is the standard? What's good? And Denton, you are at 100,672 points. Okay, so at least I know I'm in first place and it's not Trenton or our dad.

Right? Well, Stephen, would you like to know your score, honey? Yeah, I mean, I've always wanted to know. Two points less than Dunton as of this morning. What? And again, it has nothing to do with how much I love anyone. And I know that your love language is physical touch, Stephen. But mine is keeping score.

That's not a love language. It's my love language. All right, bucket. You're going down, Denton. He grabs a carafe. He paints it really fast. Oh, shit. That was really good.

Okay, I guess Stephen and Denton are tied. What? No, no, no. I mean, that's not fair. That's not fair. Denton, what are you doing? I have been doing everything right for two decades almost. All right. I have made you carafes. I have made you little ceramic giraffes. I've made you mugs. I've made you pugs and I've

given you hugs. So to be treated like this on Mother's Day, my favorite day. Denton, you might want to calm down. No, I'm not going to calm down. When does this end? When does this competition end? When are the final scores? It never ends. He shoves everything off the pottery table. Oh, no.

No. He gets up. Trish comes over to him. They start making out. Denton! Denton! On Mother's Day! Let go of her!

Well, we have some news. I've been holding this in for a while because I was worried about how it would affect the score tally. Trisha is a mother. And you're a grandmother. What? Shit. Denton, you're actually really cool, man. No, no, Denton, that's an 80,000 point deduction.

A bell rings, Kaylee's birthday comes in. Denton, Denton, Denton, Denton. He's flossing. Denton, get in the car right now, mister. It's our car now, Mom. We're cashing in our points. You didn't even know about the points until two minutes ago. How could you think you'd do this?

You don't cash them in for anything. It's about who I love the most. I guess. At least you have no other choice. I guess if you need the car, son, you mean you have a family now and i can't be in the way and i want you to be a part of it but you're gonna have to earn it takes out a scorecard huge zero under her name say your own mother um so thanks to what is it jessica jordan julia julia jay julia jordan um this review comes from

lisa k kudrow lisa kudrow this is literally lisa kudrow from los angeles so that contracts i guess one star uh from 2012 of color me mine in westchester near lax this was the worst color me mine i've ever been to i went with my daughter and her friends, plus the other moms. The girl who helped us was rude and stood over the kids and put pressure on them to pick the colors she wanted fast and made them feel rushed. She stood over their shoulders and told them how to paint so there wouldn't be any spots. And when I dared pick up a brush to help my five-year-old fix something on her project, she ran over to tell me that she would have to charge me a studio fee for helping and also i after i told after i told her the girls

were five and that i'd never experienced a color me mind with so many rules and regulations in such a negative environment she calmed down a bit but not sorry she calmed down a bit. Not to mention, the place was boiling hot and they refused to turn the air conditioner on and made some excuse until a private party showed up and then they turned it on. The prices were ridiculously high for a lame selection of crap and never in a million years would I go back. Oh, okay. Yeah, no, I actually wouldn't pick that color. That one's not going to look good with the red that you chose. Why don't we go with that?

Yeah, there we go. It's kind of a lemon-lime color. All right, we're all having fun. We are all having fun. Again, my name is Greg. If you need my help, and a lot of you do, because these are bad so far. What's up? Hey, Greg, I think that the red that red that well you said the red that i chose but it's actually the red that you chose um all right and i think it's really pretty but i think

i actually kind of wanted to to paint this strawberry purple that sentence would have been better if you just ended it right after i think it's really pretty because then that would have validated me and kind of, you know, you would have had a better end product. The issue that I take with you and your piece is that strawberries aren't purple, right? And there are, I mean, you know, I got some R-rated dialogue for you,

but I'm going to keep it PG. It's going to look like poop. It's going to look bad. So I suggest going with red because, you know, I'm more of a realist and you should be, whether it's now or, you know, later. Um, yeah, keep with the red. The leaves should be green.

Um, and I'll come back to you. Um, Greg, uh, I don't know. I kind of wanted to pick five colors for, for, for this, uh, dog. No, and that's fine. And you know, so I, you can look around and see that everybody else does have five colors because they can handle it, but like you're, you know, you came in, you had some chocolate sauce on your face, you're clearly kind of the dirty one, you know

what I mean? So, um, let's start you off with the three, the three colors for the dog, and we'll see where it goes from there. Alright, uh, yeah. You gave me white, beige, and yellow. Yeah, well that's supposed to be like, it's supposed to look like a beagle, uh, kind of. So, and then the yellow supposed to be like, it's supposed to look like a beagle kind of. And then the yellow could just be for some pus coming out of the tongue.

But I wanted black, bright pink, and brown. All right, all right. Let's keep the voices down. Let's keep your spirits low. Yeah, you? You have your hand up. Greg? Speak up.

Sorry, speak up. Okay, you're the timid one. All right, this is going to be an issue. I wanted to, I wanted to, there's this mug and it's really, speak up. Okay, you're the timid one. All right, this is going to be an issue. I wanted to... There's this mug, and it's really, really heavy, and it's on the top shelf, and I only wanted to do it one color, but... One color for the mug? You think so?

I was just asking if you could help me get it down, because I can't reach that high. All right, here's the mug. Really easy for me. You guys will hopefully grow a little bit as you get older. Excuse me? I'm still here. You don't have to say excuse me. I'm engaging with you. Can you

grab that really pretty kind of like emerald green? I would like to paint like a green mug. Just all green? You could do like a contrast color on the inside. That's what I would do and what you will do. This green is my favorite color. And that's totally fine. I want contrast color on the inside. That's what I would do and what you will do. This green is my favorite color. And that's totally fine.

I want all green all the time. Sorry. No, let me just make a brief announcement. Guys, I'm not trying to push you to do what I want. I just don't want you guys, because what's going to happen is, first of all, these colors are going to come out a little differently when they come out of the kiln. Sorry. Chocolate sauce? Just sit down.

So it's going to look a little... He said kiln. Greg, we're not allowed to say kiln at my house. It's an oven, you idiot. All right. So that emerald green is going to be pretty dark. No, don't gasp. You called him an eye word.

All right. You semi-intelligent rascal. I don't know what you guys want. I don't know your vocabulary. That green is going to be even darker, so I would actually recommend the forest green because that's a shade lighter and it's going to end up the emerald that you want. You know what I mean? Oh, sweetie. Sweetie, Kyle, what's wrong? Greg called me and I weren't. Excuse me, you? How are you talking to my children? Oh, I was just telling them about, like, the kiln and basically they need to understand, like, that the colors are going to be a little different. Because I don't want anybody to be disappointed. That's my whole thing. So you.

Mom, he called me. He called. Could I say it and not get in trouble? Yes, sweetie. What did he say? He called me an idiot. Excuse me, sir. Is this true?

Can I talk to you here a second? All right. Adult adult to adult i i didn't do anything wrong i'm trying to get them to understand what pottery is all right i'm a ceramicist you're a ceramicist let's fucking get shit going here let's i'm a nurse what i'm a nurse i mean we're all ceramicists not Not quite a doctor. Yeah, let's get this. Excuse me? I didn't say, I didn't say the idiot. I didn't say. You called my son an idiot and you said, oh, not quite a doctor. Was it that you couldn't afford the school or you just were lazy? Oh my God. Kids, kids were leaving. Kids put, put the paint. But mommy, I'm still painting the strawberry. It's okay. You leave it. You leave the strawberry here. We're not paying for this. I'm the son of a very high-powered corporation CEO.

So going forward, just know that I could sue anyone in here, including chocolate sauce over here. My name is Kyle. Your name is Kyle. Your bowl looks bad. Mommy, I don't want to be here anymore. I hate Greg, sweetie. And I don't want you here. We don't use that word. I really don't want to be here anymore. I hate Greg, sweetie. And I don't want you here. We don't use that word.

I really don't like Greg. He smashes the ball on the floor. There it is. That's the breakthrough. Everybody applaud Idiot. What? No, stop it. Don't call my son an idiot.

This is therapy. This is therapy, and that's the way I approach it, all right? If you don't like it, my balls-to-the-wall approach. There's tons of other color me minds. There's tons of other color me minds. Great, we're leaving. We're going to another color me mind. Well, wait a second, because we didn't make the progress that I was hoping to.

Door shuts. All right. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Sorry that you guys had to see me like this. I'm not usually like this. The shy kid is still in the corner. Did they leave? Because of you.

What? They left because you didn't choose the forest green. I'm going to take my lunch break. Guys, I'm going to take my lunch break. Excuse me, Greg? What? I'm about to, yeah, what? I was about to smoke something.

Did they really leave because I didn't pick the right green? Man, it's just an act that I put on. It's like dinner and a show. It's like dinner and a show. It's therapy. I don't know. Are you an actor? Thank you for noticing.

Did you see me in the, you saw me in the AccuView Oasis commercial? Is that what it is? Because I did that two and a half years ago. I don't know any of the words you just said, but you just said it's like dinner and a show. And so last time I saw dinner and a show... Oh, so you saw me on the Disney Cruise because I did the cruise lines for a while

and I was... You know, it's not the best gig, but I was paid handsomely. I don't actually know many of the words you're saying other than Disney. I do watch Disney. Have you ever been on Disney Channel? Um, I haven't. No, you know what? I haven't been on Disney Channel. Oh, okay. I ever been on disney channel um i i haven't i know you know what i haven't been on disney channel oh okay i've been on nick i've been on nickelodeon i've been on i haven't been on nick i shouldn't have said that because that's actually not true um what do you

i've been on dateline i was dateline well it's i shouldn't explain this to you basically i was um i was a i was a pa in college for the show dateline and so this this guy, Chris, I think it's Chris Harrison, right? Or is that The Bachelor? I was on The Bachelor. I was The Bachelor. I was on Teen Nick. I wasn't on Teen Nick. I wasn't The Bachelor.

I wasn't on Dateline. My only credit, AccuView Oasis commercial. And it's because my daddy actually owns AccuView Oasis. Why don't you use the emerald green? I dropped the mug. There it is. My hand slipped. that's fine um i'll cover it do i have to oh really i'll cover it um you're not so shy after all well once you get to know me a little more you start to can i tell can i tell you something that's gonna maybe rub rub you, well, your parents aren't around,

but this might rub them the wrong way if they were here. You're going to be hot when you're older. I can see, like, you have the facial structure and you have braces. Oh, no, I don't like this. No, I know, I know.

I don't like this. I'm just saying because I was actually an uggo like you. I was actually pretty shy and now I'm an actor, like you said. What are you doing?

Oh, sweetie, did you drop, did you drop the mug? That's okay. You know what? We're not going to pay for it I know I already said I would cover it I was talking to your kid he said he would cover it

he's an actor okay great sweetie go get in the car go get in the car sorry I was I was gonna cover it but that was some sarcasm

hang on a second nice to meet nice to meet you you too you too um sorry you just said oh great to me being

an actor, so that could go one of two ways. Oh, great. You called my kid an idiot. No, I called the chocolate sauce guy an idiot. I called your kid shy. They're both my kids. Why did you leave without the other? That one was really shy. I never hear her. Alright, then you

have to agree. Also, I am an actor. Have you... I can... Wait. Let me see your eyes. Yeah. Don't get that close to me. Little blue rings. So you have contacts at the AccuView Oasis?

Yes. So? Now do you recognize me? Oh. I guess... Oh, yeah. You're in the... You're in one of those commercials, huh?

Mm-hmm. I thought, don't commercial actors get paid a lot of money? All right. Have an argument. one of those commercials, huh? Mm-hmm. I thought, don't commercial actors get paid a lot of money? All right, have a nice evening. Should we go into our last segment? This is

Shapiro Recon. Zach Dunn, my good friend from USC, writes for a little show called What We Do in the Shadows on FX. I just started watching it and it is laugh out loud funny. So I know some states are open, but ideally, if you don't have to leave the house, you aren't. Or if you are, you're wearing masks because I'm home in Sugar falls ohio right now and nobody's wearing masks which is insane um that was a huge i digress uh what we do in the shadows great show very funny uh created by jimaine clement uh and also taika

waititi it's what's been getting me through the days so i'm just gonna plug that also follow zach on twitter at zach be done he's um's constantly on Splitsider or whatever they call it. Vulture comedy now. And he's very funny. other night um and it's basically we were talking about hallmark movies and um we played this little game that now we just play all the time where you uh i i'll give you yeah i'll make up a name right of like a hallmark holiday movie and you have to really quickly give me the plot of that film like like a little imdb length got it um synopsis so just we'll just try this out and it's shaking me all week long because truly in in a really crazy time um this is the thing that's been bringing me a lot of joy this game and also the thing that has really shaken me all week long is i finally edit i know it took me a long time but i finally watched 13th on netflix everyone should watch this movie yeah it is um

i am like ashamed to say like how much it blew my mind because i didn't know so much about this and i can't believe i didn't know this but now that i do um i'm very much going to keep researching this and see what i can do well i think it's just easy like i mean i would say no spoilers but it's a documentary so we can talk about it yeah like I think for me my understanding was always looking back that like Reagan was like the law and order president or whatever Reagan and Nixon like the two did the most damage and like in terms of the prison industrial complex but Clinton did both of their numbers combined so it's like it is systematic and you know you know, you still have senators saying it's not systematic, which is insane, which is it sucks. OK, your Hallmark movie name is.

It's that time of year. What started as a small town hay ride business blossomed into jack o lantern's marriage so it's a halloween themed ditty starring uh you know a kind of generic looking white guy and he has this little hayride business because he's actually a single dad and so he takes people like through the town and on near halloween and sleepy hollow new york and uh and then like this new big new york times reporter is doing a a piece on how sleepy hollow new york just got renamed sleepy hollow in like the 90s and now it's halloween town usa and she's like has to stay in this crummy little cabin but it's also like actually really nice

but her character complains about it and then uh it weirdly snows on like october 20th and so she's caught in the town center and the road to her cabin isn't you know paved uh or snow plowed and so she sees this hunk in like a plaid flannel driving by on what you guessed it a hay ride with his little tween um and she's he offers her a ride and he goes she goes back and has like a home-cooked meal with her boat not her bow but soon to be betrothed soon to be and they kind of spark up a conversation and then he's like i'll take the couch and like lets her have his bed and she smells the pillow and she's like, hmm, campfire. And then the daughter innocently asks the next day at breakfast, are you my new mommy?

And then they both kind of sheepishly look at each other and they're like, no. She's just staying with us until she can get the old road paved. But then by the end, they get married on Halloween. They get married ten days later. Because it's a movie. All because no one could pave the road. Snowplow the roads. At worst, she would just have to walk through it.

Well, it's a pretty long driveway. It's pretty remote. Driveway, not even walk through it. Well, it's a pretty long driveway. It's pretty remote. Driveway, not even, like, a street. No, it's her driveway to this cabin that's, like, beautiful, but she calls it shitty. Because she's used to that Tribeca loft style. All right. So that's, it's that time of year. Yeah.

Should I give you one? I love it. Yeah, do it. All right. Are you my new mommy? Well, you know, maybe. Boxing day. Okay, boxing day.

Postal worker Quinn has always been unlucky in love, but this Christmas Eve, magic is in the air when one of Santa's elves takes a little road trip away from the North Pole. What Quinn doesn't know is that the postal driver, Aaron, yeah, he's Santa's number one elf and he's trying to and he's trying to not only save save all of the presents that Santa left unmarked but and trying to get them back back to Santa

but he's also trying to win Quinn's heart after Quinn's father dies of a brain aneurysm Jesus Christ oh my god Aaron helps Quinn rediscovered her passion. And her body. Her love of Christmas and her love of the United States Postal Service.

Boxing Day is a story of love, redemption, and religion. Ugh. a story of love redemption and religion oh that would be a really funny sketch actually the hallmark channels writers room and it's just like they're like pitching to the head boss who's just like what oh yeah just go do it signs a check for like a million dollars oh yeah whatever it doesn't matter they'll watch it no matter what yeah watch it um so yes that's everybody scream oh wait no can i oh sorry i have um i have a song that i wanted to play that's in theme with the show you've already played you've already played no not that one not that one no okay i want you to i'm gonna text you a i'm gonna text you a song and then just uh listen to it and then you'll get kind of get what i'm getting at who those cats are Those head gum cats Got it

No you have to get to the verse Cause the verse is all about Like going downtown To check out some jazz cats Yeah no I got it I got it You know what I'm gonna edit it

And I'm gonna let it play us out Play us out Thank you guys for listening Shout out to and I got it. You know what? I'm going to edit it and I'm going to let it play us out. Play us out. Thank you guys for listening. Shout out to... We have the links in our bios to Snap for Freedom and... And the Transgender Law Center. So watch 13th.

Oh, and also I told people last week to DM me for book recommendations, but I had a couple people do it and then I got kind of sick and tired of typing out messages. So I'll just plug it here. It's also because it's free it's called the end of policing by Alex Vitale it's free on versobooks.com as an ebook so uh it talks about how we can defund the police redirect those funds towards things that help people in our more preventative measures that

prevent crime like education mental health initiatives, you know, employing social workers instead of police officers and housing for low income families as well as unhoused people. And it also talks about the history of policing and the fact that we didn't even have police until 1783 in Charleston and their first jobs were to catch runaway slaves. So it was literally founded on racism. The first job of the first police officer in America was to catch slaves. So it's a very interesting read. It's free.

It reads well. He's a smart guy. He was just on Time Crisis. I'll also plug Time Crisis with Ezra Kanigan from Vampire Weekend. I'm on Instagram at Riley Anspaugh, on Twitter at Riley Coyote. I'm on Instagram at IamJeffreyJames, Twitter at Don'tPlayNoJames. And, but also,

ReviewReview on Instagram, and the ReviewReview subreddit, which the numbers keep growing, and the content kills me. What got me this week? It's very fun. Something, 10 out of 10, this podcast changed my fife

exactly right this funny gen z comedy duo really speaks to gen me with handsome host jeffrey james and his towering literally seven foot tall at leak i swear to god co-host ronnie and a paw they have me on my back my my sack, and sometimes my crack in figurative fits of laughter. When I first heard hung like a horsey, that was it. I called my beautiful wife and told her that, honestly,

my life had peaked. There was nothing more she could offer me. Not having to die alone? How about never putting down my phone? Honestly, I listen, honestly, I've listened to every episode at least five times spelled like the spice. And every time I hear that sexy baby millhouse, I can't help but crumble. It's when I come, but I'm humble about it.

I look forward to every future episode I can force into my sopping dry ear canal. Much love. And here's a dove. And then there's a picture of a dove. And then somebody and then picture of a dove. And then somebody, and then Turbulent Moose commented, This review turned me to, this review, this review moved me to tears. You are a poet, a true wordsmith, a real Hitler of yourself. That dove, that dove was the cherry on the cake.

And it's like an acronym, which we all know stands for cake, avalanche, ketamine, and eggs. My favorite part of the review? Glad you asked. I would say it's the mention of your beautiful wife. Just the mere thought of her got me erect. That's emotionally erect and hard. One out of five. Best review I've ever read.

Oh, God. Thank y'all so much. So you can expect that and content like it on the review review subreddit let's get it to a thousand users we're at 703 as of this record let's just do it why not let's just fucking do it man um also i was thinking sorry oh yeah what if are the fans of the show and us like you know how some fans have names like harry styles like the his fan base are the style idiots i i didn't know that but sure and then like people who like fish they're like the fishermen i guess and then like the grateful dead

is famously fuckers who love the dead yeah what if people who listen to review review are um podcats hot cats oh you're one of those review review podcasts exactly i love it no one has to say it but i'm throwing it out there but jeff will and i will punish anybody who doesn't. Jerry, let's take us out. Shout out to our podcast. Good night and good luck. Cats on the blacktop

Birdie in the treetop Someone plays guitar That sounds like laminate. I ain't ready yet to go to bed. Think I'll take a walk downtown instead. Cats down under the stars Cats down under the stars Get on the bandstand Give them each a big hand

Anyone who sweats like that Must be alright No one wants to fight No black eye Just another cat Bene beneath the stars tonight. Cats down under the sun Cats in the limelight Feels like it's alright

Everybody wants something they might not get I ain't ready yet It ain't complete That's why I'm headed down to Alley Cat Street Cats down under the stars Cats down under the stars Satin blouse on button mail Satin blouse on button mail Tying nails a stri, doing it just for you.

Time is a stripper, doing it just for you. Just for you. Just for you. ច្រូវបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបាន Just for you Just for you Knock in the brass tacks Cover up your tracks, Jack You ain't nowhere to You can't pay your own way back What else do you lack

To make it right? But cats down under the stars tonight Cats down under the stars Cats down under the stars